For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 10
13j: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
Goodnights
…..Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon: …Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! Justin Timberlake! Paul McCartney! Madonna! Barry Gibb! Mayor Michael Bloomberg! Chris Rock! Thank you, Lorne! Thank you, cast! Thank you to the writers! Thank you, everybody! Happy Holidays! Bye!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 10
13j: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
(Do It On My) Twin Bed
…..Aidy Bryant
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Cecily Strong
…..Noël Wells
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Nasim Pedrad
Kate’s Boyfriend…..Jimmy Fallon
Cecily’s Boyfriend…..Mike O’Brien
Aidy’s Boyfriend…..Taran Killam
Noël’s Boyfriend…..Brooks Wheelan
Uncle Ted…..Beck Bennett
[ open on nighttimw exterior of house decorated with Christmas lights ]
[ dissolve to interior, where older couples mingle ]
[ reveal the girls of “SNL” standing at the center ]
Aidy Bryant: Hey, it’s your girls!
Kate McKinnon: Kate!
Cecily Strong: Cecily!
Noël Wells: Noël!
Vanessa Bayer: Vanessa!
Nasim Pedrad: Nasim!
Aidy Bryant: And your lil’ Baby Aidy!
Kate McKinnon: We’re home for the holidays.
Noël Wells: And this year…
[ reveal boyfriends ]
Kate McKinnon: We brought our boyfriends home with us.
Vanessa Bayer: But just because we’re back in our Mom and Dad’s house…
Nasim Pedrad: Doesn’t mean we can’t still get a little nasty.
[ they all laugh mischieviously ]
Kate McKinnon: [ singing ]
“Back in town visiting my Mom and Dad
But that don’t mean I don’t wanna be bad.
Say what’s up to my cousins.”
Cousins: Hi!
Kate McKinnon: [ singing ] “Say what’s up to my neighbors.”
Neighbors: Hey!
Kate McKinnon: [ singing ] “Then take my man to my childhood bedroom.”
[ Kate’s Boyfriend is dumbstruck by vintage posters of Jonathan Taylor-Thomas, Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez ]
Nasim Pedrad: [ singing ]
“This is my old christening dress
And here’s my stack of X-Files on VHS.”
Vanessa Bayer: “Now we’re gonna freak.”
Girls: Freak!
Vanessa Bayer: [ singing ]
“In my monkey sheets
That I’ve had since I was a kid.
Girls: [ singing ]
“Let’s do it on my twin bed (twin bed)
Not gonna like it (like it)
But it’s the only option (option)
Where we can get it poppin’ (poppin’)
Let’s do it on my twin bed (twin bed)
Pop and fall off it (off it)
But let’s get wild (wild)
In a bed for a child. (child)”
[ Cecily and her Boyfriend lie in her twin bed ]
Cecily Strong: [ singing ]
“If you want an old cat to watch you bone
You’re gonna want to get down in my parents’ homeV It’ll make you spotty.”
Girls: Spotty!
Cecily Strong: “While you lick my body.”
Girls: Body!
Cecily Strong: “Then he’ll throw up on your bags!”
[ Aidy leads her Boyfriend into her room ]
Aidy Bryant: [ singing ]
“Come on, sexy boy, gotta do this quick
While my folks are at the pharmacy; my mom is sick
She’s had a cough.”
Girls: Cough!
Aidy Bryant: “She got it from Jean.”
Girls: Jean!
Aidy Bryant: “And now it’s a whole thing with Jean.”
[ cut to Noël Wells lying in her twin bed with her Boyfriend ]
Noël Wells: [ singing ]
“I’m glad you got to meet my Uncle Ted
Now keep it down ’cause he’s asleep on my trundle bed.”
Uncle Ted: Hey don’t mind me!
Girls: Me!
Uncle Ted: We’re family!
Girls: Leeee!
Uncle Ted: Did ya hear Aunt Ruth is dead?
Girls: Sad!
“Let’s do it on my twin bed (twin bed)!
Even though Aunt Ruth’s dead {Ruth’s dead)!
Wish we had more room (more room)!
But Grandma got the guest room (guest room)!
But we’ll still get nasty (nasty)!
Up against my trophies (trophies)!
You’re a certified hottie (hottie)! Like JTT.”
Poster: Aw, thanks!
Kate’s Boyfriend: [ rapping ]
“Girl, you know I love you, but let’s be clear
I’m having lots of trouble gettin’ horny here
I wanna get down and do my thing
But your childhood bed has antique springs
And I guess your mom don’t know how to knock
Keep my foot on the door ’cause it doesn’t lock
I can’t fully undress in case your parents come through
Just shirt, no pants, like Winnie the Pooh
And why am I even tryin’ to get laid
Near a photo of you from seventh grade!”
Aidy Bryant: Let’s take it back now, Y’ALL!
[ reveal each girl dancing in front of a photo of their 7th grade selves ]
[ Kate’s Boyfriend is embarrassed by his 7th grade photo ]
Girls: [ singing ]
“So let’s do it on my twin bed (twin bed)!
Not gonna like it (like it)!
But you can’t be picky (picky)!
When you’re staying with your family! (family)!”
Kate’s Boyfriend: I’ve been sexing in a tiny twin bed, y’all!
Kate McKinnon: Happy holidays!
Aidy Bryant: We out!
[ cut to black ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 11
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
January 18th 2014
Drake
Drake
None
Jhené Aiko
None Piers Morgan Live
Summary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) interviews Gov. Chris Christie (Bobby Moynihan), Alex Rodriguez (Drake) and Justin Bieber (Kate McKinnon) about their recent embarrassing scandals.
Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, Chris Christie, Justin Bieber.
Montage
Drake’s Monologue
Summary: Drake dispenses a series of “fun facts” about his life, including his Jewish heritage with a look back at his Bar Mitzvah.
Hip Hop Classics: Before They Were Stars
Summary: Sway (Kenan Thompson) takes a look back at hip hop stars who performed in minor television roles before they were famous.
Recurring Characters: Sway, Eminem, Jay-Z, Rihanna, Joey Lawrence, Jenna Van Oy, Rick Ross, Mr. Wizard.
Nancy Grace
Summary: Nancy Grace (Noel Wells) is opposed to pro-pot legistlation, unlike her guests who are making out like bandits in Colorado.
Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace, Katt Williams.
Resolution Revolution
Summary: A group of people (Taran Killam, Drake) fail to fulfill their New Year’s resolutions.
Slumber Party
Summary: While at a slumber party, Melanie (Aidy Bryant) is hot for her friend’s (Sasheer Zamata) dad (Drake).
Drake performs “Started From the Bottom” and “Trophies”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Jacqueline Bisset (Vanessa Bayer) takes a long time wandering through the audience to comment about her Golden Globes appearance. Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) comments about Hillary Clinton’s chances of getting the Demoratic nomination for President in 2016.
Recurring Characters: Arianna Huffington.
Disney World Show
Summary: Rahat (Nasim Pedrad) only wants to hold onto her rice as she assists Dalton (Drake) in performing an Indiana Jones stunt spectacular.
Detention
Summary: Poetry specialist Ms. Meadows (Vanessa Bayer) remains enthusiastic while teaching her craft to high-schoolers in detention who just don’t give a damn about poetry.
Recurring Characters: Ms. Meadows.
Drake performs “Hold On, We’re Going Home” and “From Time” with Jhené Aiko
Morning Miami
Summary: Morning co-anchors (Drake, Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon) seethe at the thought of having to peppily tape the week’s promo spots.
I Know
Summary: Kyle’s (Kyle Mooney) know-it-all attitude leads to a near-fatality while bragging to his buddy (Beck Bennett).
Transcript
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 11
Goodnights
…..Drake
Drake: Thank you so much… to Jhené… Sasheer, for her first night on “SNL” — Make some noise for her! [ the audience whoops ] Thank you to my new family at “SNL”! Make sure you watch Seth on his new show’ ’cause he’s got a new show all to himself! And, uh — Yeah, thank you guys so much! New York City! It’s been an honor!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 11
I Know
Kyle…..Kyle Mooney
Friend…..Beck Bennett
[ open on Kyle standing with his friend at a vending machine ]
Friend: Peanuts are the fastest growinmg allergens in the United States.
Kyle: I know. I already knew that. [ he grabs some of his friend’s snack nuts ]
[ cut to Kyle standing with his friend in a laundry room ]
Friend: I’m just kind of bummed that Cindy and I broke up yesterday…
Kyle: Yeah, I know.
Friend: How’d you know? We haven’t told anybody.
Kyle: ‘Cause I just started hanging out with her all the time…
Friend: What?!
[ cut to Kyle and his friend on an elevator ]
Friend: I forgot to tell you I’m going to Montana —
Kyle: Montana next week —
Friend: Next week with my —
Kyle: With my family. Yeah, I know. Me, too.
[ cut to Kyle and his friend standing at a urinal ]
Friend: Mine’s just a little bit bigger than yours.
Kyle: Yeah, I know. ‘Cause I just actually like mine a little smaller.
[ cut to Kyle and his friend walking down the hall ]
Friend: You know, there’s a fire happening right now.
Kyle: Yeah, I know. I started it.
[ rapid cuts ]
Kyle: I know.
Kyle: I know!
Kyle: I know.
Kyle: I know.
Kyle: I knowwwwww!!
[ cut to Kyle and his friend walking down another hall ]
Friend: Be careful — The floor’s wet.
Kyle: I know!
[ Kyle slips and lands on his head, as his friend screams ]
Friend: Noooooo!! Oh, my God! Kyle!
[ suddenly, Kyle’s spirit floats out of his body ]
Friend: Great. Now you’re a ghost.
Kyle: I know.
Friend: You don’t exist!
Kyle: I knowwwww!!
Friend: Stop saying “I know”! Okay? I don’t expect you to know everything. You shouldn’t know everything. This just doesn’t make any sense, the way you were responding to me. Why are you doing that?
Kyle: I guess I… wanted to prove to you… that… I knew lots of stuff… because if I know lots of stuff, you’d think I’m… smart. And then you’d want to hang out with me more and be my friend…
Friend: You’re my friend already. You don’t have to do anything different.
Kyle: I guess I “know” that now.
Friend: You know what? Here’s an idea: What do you say you stop being a know-it-all and get back in that cute body of yours?
Kyle: I’d say that sounds like a lot more fun than being this ghost!
Friend: Then, what are you waiting for? Get back IN that sucker!
[ Kyle’s spirit returns to his body, as he rises to his feet ]
Kyle: Whoa-oa!
Friend: There you are, buddy! Dude, you just proved you can travel through different existences!
Kyle: I know. ‘Cause spirits are never lost, they just re-enter through the barriers…
[ they walk off ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 12]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
January 25th 2014
Jonah Hill
Bastille
None
Leonardo DiCaprio
Michael Cera
None Road to Sachi
Summary: Scott Hamilton (Taran Killam) and Tara Lipinski (Cecily Strong) The U.S. Men’s Heterosexual Figure Skating Championships.
Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, Chris Christie, Justin Bieber.
Montage
Jonah Hill’s Monologue
Summary: After acting like a Hollywood bigshot, Jonah Hill is brought back down to Earth by a stern Leonardo DiCaprio.
Transcript
Six Year Old
Summary: Six-year old Adam Grossman (Jonah Hill) embarrasses his new stepmom (Vanessa Bayer) by obnoxiously performing more Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana’s.
Recurring Characters: Adam Grossman, Debbie Wasserstein.
The Hit
Summary: Thugs (Jay Pharoah, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam) are sidetracked from performing a hit by the snow.
Transcript
Couples Quiz
Summary: Game play is sidelined by thew host’s (Kenan Thompson) quest to reveal which contestant clogged a backstage toilet.
Bastille performs “Pompeii”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Officer Frank Medina (Kenan Thompson) recounts his experience arresting Justin Bieber for illegal dragracing. Russian woman Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) gives her takes on holding the Winter Olympics in her country.
Sweetland Ranch
Summary: While visiting the stables, Danielle (Nasim Pedrad) is horrified to find the stablehands (Cecily Strong, Jonah Hill) being kicked and punch by one of the horses.
Me
Summary: In a trailer for a new Spike Jonez film, a nerdy man (Jonah Hill) becomes involved in a gay relationship with his doppleganger Operating System.
Boss Dinner
Summary: After making numerous faux pas at the boss’s (Beck Bennett) dinner party, Jeffrey (Jonah Hill) yells audibly at himself in the adjacent bathroom.
Inside SoCal
Summary: Without permission, skater-slackers Todd (Kyle Mooney) and Casey (Beck Bennett) host their talk show at Keith’s (Jonah Hill) dad’s (Bobby Moynihan).
Bastille performs “Oblivion”
Lamborghini
Summary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her friend (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Lamborghinis, with the help of former porn director Martin Porn-Cese (Jonah Hill).
Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.
Transcript
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 12
Goodnights
…..Jonah Hill
Jonah Hill: Thanks to Bastille! Thanks to Leonardo DiCaprio! Thanks to Michael Cera! And to Lorne, this great cast, and the writers and the crew! I love you guys! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 3
13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry
Centauri Vodka
Mike…..Mike O’Brien
Richard…..Bobby Moynihan
Woman #1…..Aidy Bryant
Doug…..Bruce Willis
Eileen…..Nasim Pedrad
Randy…..John Milhiser
Woman #2…..Noel Wells
Woman #3…..Cecily Strong
[ open on party atmosphere ]
Mike: Congrats again, Richard! This is a fantastic launch party.
Richard: Thanks, man! You know, I really think this is gonna be big. Centauri Vodka… is a DAMN good vodka!
[ suddenly, a man in a centaur costume enters carrying a tray of drinks ]
Doug: Good evening! I am the Centauri Vodka centaur! [ he back half dances a bit ] Would you like a Centauri shot?
Woman #1: Yes, thank you.
Doug: Compliments of Centauri Vodka!
Woman #1: Well, thank you!
Doug: CENTAURI VODKA!! Taste the fantasy for the warrior in us all!
Mike: Wow, he’s fantastic!
Woman #1: Yeah! Nice touch, Rich.
Richard: It adds to the ambience, right? Hey, let me introduce you to some of the investors, okay? Come on!
[ the three of them walk off, as Eileen walks forward ]
Doug: Eileen! Hey! Eileen, you have a second?
Eileen: Uh, yeah, Doug. But make it quick, okay? I have a LOT of VIPs to deal with.
Doug: The actor — The actor who’s playing my back legs — Randy — Really sweet guy. I’m a little worried about him.
Eileen: Okay, why? What did he say?
Doug: The guy’s been walking around for a half an hour in this costume, and he has no air holes back there.
Eileen: Okay, Doug — I love that you’re cocnerned, but Randy is fine. He’s an actor!
Doug: He’s not fine…!
Eileen: That’s what actors DO!
Doug: Can you pleeeease just check on him? Pleeeeeeease, Eileen!
Eileen: I’m telling you, Randy is FINE!
[ she unzips the back of the centaur costume, as a dehydrated Randy pokes his head out ]
Eileen: See? [ she shoves Randy’s head back in ]
Doug: Is he?!
Eileen: He LOVES it!! Okay?! Randy LOVES being an actor!
Doug: He’s got a head cold! He’s go a head cold! I heard him coughing while I was shaving my chest!
Eileen: Okay, Doug — JUst concentrate on being a centaur, and serving free vodka! Now, I need to find a friend for Vin Diesel, so he can stop staring at the wall!
[ reveal a confused Vin Diesel staring at the glowing wall ]
[ the Centaur approaches a pair of women, as his hind quarters attempt to keep up ]
Doug: Complimentary Centauri Vodka…?
Woman #2: Oh! Sure! Thanks!
Doug: CENTAURI VODKA!! Taste the fant– [ he hears Randy wheezing ] Hang on, Randy! [ to the women ] Taste the fantasy for the warrior in us all…!
[ the centaur butt sags to the floor ]
Woman #3: Is your — Is your BUTT screaming?
Doug: A little… Eileen!
Eileen: [ annoyed ] What?!
Doug: [ whispering ] Eileen, Randy isn’t getting any oxygen!
Eileen: Doug! You GOTTA stop with the Randy stuff, okay? He’s all good! [ she rushes off ] Love you!
[ Richard returns ]
Richard: Okay, everybody — I would like to make a quick announcement! Okay? I just wanted to thank you for tonight! Okay? And by coming here tonight, you’ve showed me that you LOVE Centauri Vodka! It’s just good! It’s just wonderful! Okay? Thank you so much, everybody! Thank you!
[ meanwhile, Doug and Randy are crashing all over the room as Randy struggles to breathe inside the centaur costume ]
[ finally, Doug can only drag Randy’s lifeless body across the room ]
Doug: CENTAURI VODKA!! CENTAURI!!
Eileen: Doug! It’s horrifying!!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 3
13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry
Goodnights
…..Bruce Willis
…..Katy Perry
Bruce Willis: Thank you to Katy Perry!
Katy Perry: Oh, thank you!
[ they bow to one another ]
Bruce Willis: Thank you to Lorne Michaels! And to the cast and crew! I had an incredible week, thank you so much! Be careful going home.
Katy Perry: [ laughing ] Or walking home!
Bruce Willis: Or walking home! Have a great week!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 3
13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry
Gravity
Kozanski…..Taran Killam
Dr. Janet Stone…..Cecily Strong
Janitor…..Kenan Thompson
Female Janitor…..Kate McKinnon
[ open on astronauts in space, as they look down on the Earth ]
Kozanski: Ever see anything that beautiful? Besides me, I mean?
Dr. Janet Stone: Get over yourself, Kozanski!
Kozanski: Oh, come on! You’re attracted to me!
Dr. Janet Stone: Alright, just pass me that wrench.
[ suddenly, there’s an explosion and everything jerks out of control ]
Dr. Janet Stone: What is it?!
Kozanski: I think some debris hit the telescope!
Dr. Janet Stone: Oh, my God! We’re detached! What do we do?!
[ they grab each other’s hand ]
Kozanski: Stay calm! Stay calm! Houston, this is Explorer! We’ve been hit by debris and we need immediate assistance! Do you copy?
[ cut to NASA, where Mission Control is unoccupied, except for a janitor ]
Kozanski: Houston, do you read?!
Dr. Janet Stone: Houston! Come in, Houston!
Kozanski: Houston! Houston, come in! We’re flying blind, Houston!
Dr. Janet Stone: Houston!
Kozanski: We need you DESPERATELY, Houston! PLEASE!
Dr. Janet Stone: Houston, please!
Kozanski: Somebody!!
[ the Janitor relunctantly takes a seat at the controls ]
Janitor: Yello?
Dr. Janet Stone: This is Dr. Janet Stone! We’ve become detached from the Hubble telescope!
Kozanski: Mission Control, we are at 4% oxygen, and dropping! Please advise!
Janitor: Ummmm… Mission Control’s not here right now. But can I take a message?
Kozanski: What do you mean, they’re not here?!!
Janitor: Well, uh… this is awkward, but, uh… the government has shut down. It turns out, I’m the only essential employee in the place. [ he shrugs ] But I could’ve told you that MONTHS ago! [ he chuckles ]
Dr. Janet Stone: Look — If you could give us coordinates for the International Space Station, we may have a small chance for survival!
Janitor: Okay, let me get a pen here… I’m gonna say that “Janet from Space called…” And I’m gonna say that this is “Very important!” [ he jots it down ] Okay, all set! Y’all have a good day now!
Dr. Janet Stone: NO!! Houston, NO!! We need a plan of action to get back to Earth!
Janitor: Okay, well, I do have one idea, but… it might be kind of dumb.
Kozanski: Houston, right now there are no dumb ideas.
Janitor: Okay. Well, in “Willy Wonka”… Charlie and Grandpa use a series of small burps to get down…
Kozanski: That is a VERY dumb idea!
Janitor: Yeah.
Dr. Janet Stone: Then, we’re gonna die and we’re down to 2% oxygen!
Kozanski: Look, if that’s the case… why don’t we make this asphyxiation… an erotic one?
Dr. Janet Stone: No! No… eugh!
Janitor: Hey, hey, guys. Uh, I-I think I see someone who might know something about space!
Kozanski: Oh, thank God!
[ a female janitor enters ]
Janitor: Yeah, come in, Soon-Yea. Tell them what you know!
Female Janitor: My son! All day, he watch, eh… “Star Treks”… and “Deep Nine Space”… and “Battle Gallaca Spolika.”
Dr. Janet Stone: N-no! We need coordinates for the I.S.S.!
Female Janitor: Okay, yes. But! Eh, maybe you get him job? Okay? He need money so we can move back to Ukraine where, uh, government is more STABLE!
Kozanski: Houston, we are running out of time.
Dr. Janet Stone: God, I’m out of oxygen! I can’t think!
Female Janitor: Ehhh… neither can Congress.
Janitor: [ laughing ] Ha ha! Oh, nice! [ he high-fives her ] Oh, you funny! You are funny! Hey, you wanna go make the Mars Rover pop some wheelies?
Female Janitor: Yeah, sure! Okay!
[ they walk away from the control panel ]
Dr. Janet Stone: Houston! Hello, Houston?! Oh, my God…
Kozanski: If anyone can hear this transmission, we are lost in space.
Together: And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”