Category: 2013

SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Michelangelo’s David



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 8
















13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Michelangelo’s David

Date…..Cecily Strong
Lorenzo…..Paul Rudd
Michelangelo…..Taran Killam
Guy…..Jay Pharoah
Leonardo da Vinci…..Bobby Moynihan
Mona Lisa…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on museum exterior, with SUPER: “Septenber 8, 1504 – Florence, Italy” ]

[ dissovle to interior, Lorenzo entering with his date ]

Date: This is SO exciting!

Lorenzo: Heyyyyy, quite a turnout!

Date: Lorenzo, are you really the model for Michelangelo’s new sculpture?

Lorenzo: Oh, well… I don’t want to brag, but Michelangelo said I was one of his favorites! I could do this for hours. [ he poses like the statue of David ]

Date: [ impressed ] Wow! I’ve never dated a male model before!

Michelangelo: [ entering ] Ohhh, Lorenzo, there you are!

Lorenzo: Ah, Michelangelo!

Michelangelo: Everyone! Everyone! May I have your attention? HERE is the fine specimen on whom I modeled my David on. It is an EXACT replica of him, down to the very atom! Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen… I give you… The David.

[ he pulls off the tarp, revealing the statue of David with a very noticably small penis ]

Date: Oh, my God…

Lorenzo: Dude! What the heck is this?!

Michelangelo: [ innocently ] What do you mean? It’s my masterpiece!

Lorenzo: Uh, yeah… but, but, but why did you give it such a small penis?!

Michelangelo: Penis?

Lorenzo: Yeah, you gavew me the world’s TINIEST penis! Look at it, it’s like a baby’s pinkie!

Michelangelo: Lorenzo, I just sculpted what I saw…

Lorenzo: Well, you could have at least enhanced it a little!

Michelangelo: I… thought I did.

Lorenzo: [ nervously ] He’s kidding, baby! Nah, look, come on! Look at the hands! You know what they say about a man and his hands…?

Date: No. I can see it.

Guy: [ peeking into frame ] Really? I can’t! [ he guffaws ]

Michelangelo: Lorenzo, my boy, please don’t be upset. Just think: Everyone in the WORLD will know you by this sculpture! You are immortalized!

Lorenzo: Yeah, but that’s what I’m worried about! Someday my KIDS are gonna see this!

Michelangelo: Oh, I don’t know if you’re going to be able to have children! [ he laughs ]

Date: Yeah, I mean… it doesn’t even reach past the balls…

Lorenzo: Look, Michelangelo — Couldn’t you cover it with a fig leaf or something?

Michelangelo: Well, I mean… I don’t think I’ll need a whole leaf…

Date: Maybe a fig twig!

[ Michelangelo high-fives her wit ]

Michelangelo: My sistah!

Lorenzo: Not cool!

Leonardo da Vinci: [ entering ] Michelangelo!

Michelangelo: Ohhhh, Leonardo! I’m so glad you could make it!

Leonardo da Vinci: I believe this is your finest work! I love that the figure is so contemplative, like he’s thinking: “Where’s my peen?!” Or “How will I ever get laid?!” Hi-ohhhh!!

Date: [ laughing with the artists ] Oh, man! Even Mona Lisa’s smiling at you!

[ cut to Mona Lisa grinning ]

Lorenzo: Look, baby — I know what it looks like. But, trust me: I’m a grow-er, not a show-er.

Michelangelo: Interesting fact! Though the David stance is one of repose, his FULL erection actually suggests he’s ready for battle!

Date: That’s erect?

Guy: [ peeking into the frame ] Man, KILL yourself! [ he guffaws ]

Lorenzo: Alright, you know what? I’m gonna hit the open bar.

Michelangelo: No, no, but wait! Ladies and gentlemen — I will now unveil the twin to The David… The Goliath.

[ Michelangelo pulls back the tarp from a second sculpture — a man leaning over David’s penis while holding a magnifying glass to it ]

Guy: [ peeking into frame between the sculptures ] Oh, you GOTTA kill yourself now! [ he guffaws ]

Michelangelo: Oh, Lorenzo… please… please don’t worry, I’ll make this right. I’ve decided I’m going to make you the model for Adam on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Lorenzo: [ he sighs ] Alright.

[ cut to The Creation of Man, revealing Adam with a tiny penis ]

Lorenzo V/O: Oh, COME ON, man!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 8




13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Goodnights

…..Paul Rudd

Paul Rudd: Awwww, thank you so much, I had a blast! I want to say thank you to One Direction. Thank you! And thank you, Kristen Wiig and Fred Armisen and Steve Carrell and David Koechner and Will Ferrell… and to this entire cast and this amazing crew, Lorne Michaels and everyone here. It is SUCH a thrill to be back, thank you so much! Have a great night, thanks for watching!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Paul Rudd’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 8








13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Paul Rudd’s Monologue

…..Paul Rudd
…..One Direction
…..Harry Styles
…..Niall Horan
…..Will Ferrell
…..David Koechner
…..Steve Carell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you very much! Oh, I tell you something, it-it is so great to be back hosting SNL for the THIRD time! [cheers] Now, I mean, really, I’ll be honest with you, the first two, they were a little weird for me. Both times I was overshadowed by a musical guest. First, it was Beyonce, then it was Paul McCartney. But tonight, finally, it’s the Paul Rudd Show! Tonight, it’s all about ME!

[The girls in the audience scream with glee as the members of One Direction surround Paul on stage]

That’s right! YES! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you for the support!

Girl in Audience: I love you, Liam!!

Paul Rudd: I love you, too! She called me Liam. OK…

[Harry Styles taps Paul on the shoulder; he turns around and sees Harry with his One Direction mates. Paul is crestfallen]

Oh, hey, it’s Harry from One Direction…damn it.

[More squeals from the crowd]

Harry Styles: Don’t worry, Paul, we’re not here to OUTSHINE you.

Niall Horan: Yeah, Paul, you just do that comedy stuff and we’ll stand back here and pose and blow kisses and stuff.

[Niall and Harry do just that to the joy of the girls in the audience]

Paul Rudd: [annoyed] OK, you know what, you know what, I didn’t want it to come to this, but I’m also a bit of a singer. You brought your boy band? Well, I brought my MAN band!

[Will Ferrell, David Koechner, and Steve Carell strut in stage left to a tidal wave of cheers and applause]

Will Ferrell: Why don’t ya…why don’t you BEAT IT, Menudo?

David Koechner: I’m gonna kick your ass into space like Lance Bass!

Steve Carell: Yeah, why don’t you kids go sit on Santa’s lap and ask for a pair of BALLS?

[The “Anchorman” cast is stunned at Steve’s outburst]

Will Ferrell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

David Koechner: Ooh, Steve!

Will Ferrell: That was harsh!

Paul Rudd: A lot of kids here! Look, look, we’re not-we’re not here to fight.

Will Ferrell: I am!

David Koechner: Yep!

Paul Rudd: Alright, Will is. But the rest of us, we’re here to put on a show. And I think we should work together. Will, why don’t you show ‘em where you live?

[Will steps to the front and begins to sing the Starland Vocal Band’s hit “Afternoon Delight”]

Will Ferrell: Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto’s always been, when it’s right, it’s right, why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

[Everyone on stage joins in]

All: When everything’s a little clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is always gonna be here anyway…

Anchorman Cast: Thinking of you’s working up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite, and the thought of loving you is getting so exciting…

All: Skyrockets in flight…

Will and David: Pewwww!

All: Afternoon delight!

David Koechner: Whoooop!

Will Ferrell: That’s right, you’re getting it!

All: Aaaaaaafternoon Delight!

Paul Rudd: Now we are NINE Direction!

“Nine Direction”: Afternoon Delight!

Will Ferrell: Let’s bring it home, fellas!

“Nine Direction”: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa…afternoon delight!

[The crowd goes nuts]

Paul Rudd: We’ve got a great, great show!

One Direction: We’re here!

Paul Rudd: So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Mario Juan

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 9


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


December 14th 2013

John Goodman

Kings of Leon

None

Robert DeNiro

Sylvester Stallone

Wale

None
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) addresses recent snafus while the interpretor (Kenan Thompson) from Nelson Mandela’s funeral makes faulty hand gestures in the background.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Angela Merkel.

Transcript

Montage

John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman and Kenan Thompson sing “All I Want for Christmas is Booty”.

Guy Fieri’s Full Throttle Chrismtas SpecialSummary: Guy Fieri (Bobby Moynihan) serves up dinner and fun with tons of wacky celebrity guests.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri, Kid Rock, Bret Michaels, Vern Troyer, Duane Chapman.

Dance of the SnowflakesSummary: The inner thoughts of snowflakes dancers (John Goodman, Vanessa Bayer, Kenan Thompson, Aidy Bryant) question their better judgment for performing such mediocre dance moves.

Transcript

Three Wise GuysSummary: Three Wise Guys from Jersey (John Goodman, Robert DeNiro, Sylvester Stallone) follow the footsteps of the Three Wise Men to visit the Baby Jesus.

Kings of Leon perform “Temple”

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: Santa Claus (Kenan Thompson) reveals that he actually is a Black man. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) discusses Christmas with his family and brings out his Drunker Uncle (John Goodman).

Recurring Characters: Drunk Uncle.

Too HotSummary: Jenaveve Lazarra (John Goodman) sues her former boss (Beck Bennett) for firing her for being “too hot.”

Transcript

Fire SafetySummary: Captain Lemkee (John Goodman) tries in vain to teach kids to stay out of the fireplace during Christmas, because Shallon’s (Nasim Pedrad) enthusiasm leads them to harm’s way.

Recurring Characters: Shallon, Ms. Filley, students.

Hallmark Channel Countdown to ChristmasSummary: A slew of ridiculously cheesy made-for-TV Christmas movies are coming to the Hallmark Channel.

Kings of Leon perform “Wait For Me”

The Christmas WhistleSummary: Patriarch (John Goodman) learns the meaning of Christmas and the value of family thanks to the “The Christmas Whistle” that the angel Bartholemew (Taran Killam) is choking on.

H&MSummary: In a rap video parody, a portly man (John Goodman) shops for tiny clothing on the cheap at H&M.

Last CallSummary: Drunken Vernon Crotcher (John Goodman) and Sheila Sovage (Kate McKinnon) hit if off after they’re the last singles left in the bar at closing time.

Recurring Characters: Sheila Sovage.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13: Too Hot



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 9
















13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon

Too Hot

Judge…..Kenan Thompson
Prosecutor…..Cecily Strong
Defense Attorney…..Taran Killam
Jenaveve Lazarra…..John Goodman
Mr. Rosenfeld…..Beck Bennett

[ open on courtroom setting ]

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen, this case is very simple: Did Mr. Rosenfeld unfairly fire my client based on her looks? The answer is Yes. And we will show that this is an open-and-shut case of sexism. My client’s termination was unfair, unprovoked, and, in a problem that is becoming all too common, she was fired for being “too hot.”

[ cut to the portly and manly Jenaveve Lazarra nodding with pouted lips ]

Judge: Defense? Your opening argument?

Defense Attorney: [ standing ] I mean… [ he points to Ms. Lazarra ]

Judge: Alright, Counselor, you have the floor.

Prosecutor: I call the Plaintiff — Miss Jenaveve Lazarra.

[ Ms. Lazarra saunters up to the bench ]

Jenaveve Lazarra: Oo-oohhh! I get to sit by the judge-ah!

Judge: Oh, yes, you DO! [ he chuckles ]

Prosecutor: Miss Lazarra, why do you think Mr. Rosenfeld terminated you from his art gallery?

Jenaveve Lazarra: He found my appearance… too distracting. It was getting him all hot and bothered.

Defense Attorney: Objection! ABSURD speculation!

Judge: Well… I wouldn’t say absurd!

Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee-hee!

Prosecutor: And what did Mr. Rosenthal say when you’d wear one of your sexy, stylish outfits at work?

Jenaveve Lazarra: His eyes would pop out of his head, his jaw would drop to the floor, and his tongue would roll out and he would go: A-oooooohh!!

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, objection! She’s describing a CARTOON WOLF!

Prosecutor: In summary, Jenaveve: Because of your hot, sexy, gorgeous body —

Defense Attorney: Objection! Subjective!

Prosecutor: Because of your shapely body —

Defense Attorney: Objection!

Prosecutor: Because of your body —

Defense Attorney: ObJECTion!

Prosecutor: Because of your… stuff?

[ Defense Attorney thinks, then nods ]

Prosecutor: Because of your “stuff”, you were objectified and demeaned, instead of being treated like the bright, 23-year old woman you are.

Defense Attorney: OBJECTION! [ a beat ] Say what?!

Prosecutor: No further questions.

Judge: Defense? Your lovely witness?

Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee-hee!!

Defense Attorney: Miss Lazarra… you like attention, don’t you?

Jenaveve Lazarra: [ coyly ] Sometimessss…!

Defense Attorney: Miss Lazarra, do you… enjoy sex?

Jenaveve Lazarra: Oh, YEAHHHHHH!!!

Defense Attorney: And do you… you also happen to claim that you were a “model” employee?

Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee! I’m not a model model!

Judge: [ teasing ] Well, you could’ve fooled me!

Defense Attorney: But isn’t it true you would take the drug Ecstasy — at work — and brag about it to co-workers?

Jenaveve Lazarra: [ pouty ] I plead the Fifth.

Defense Attorney: You can’t selectively plead the Fifth.

Jenaveve Lazarra: Then, I plead… Naughty! Tee-hee-hee!

Defense Attorney: And isn’t it true that over one third of the gallery’s paintings had to be thrown away because you got CHOCOLATE on them?

Jenaveve Lazarra: That’s incorrect! It was Nutella.

Judge: But you do like chocolate, don’t you? [ he laughs suggestively ]

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, the Plaintiff’s behavior was NOT appropriate in any context! She was fird because she was TOTALLY incompetent, not because she was [ makes quotes signs with his fingers ] “too hot”! No more questions.

Prosecutor: Miss Lazarra, is it true that Mr. Rosenfeld used to BEG you to dance for him, because he “needed it”?

Defense Attorney: Objection! My client is in NO WAY susceptible to Miss Lazarr’s dancing!

Prosecutor: Alright, then. I submit Exhibit A: Miss Lazarra’s dance moves.

[ suddenly, R. Kelly’s “I’m A Flirt” begins to play, as Miss Lazarra rises to dance suggestively ]

[ in his seat, Mr. Rosenfeld begins to convulse uncomfortably and rise to his feet ]

Defense Attorney: Uh — uh — OBJECTION! YOUR HONOR! OBJECTION!

Judge: Uh-uh! OVERRULED! I like this!

[ the Judge does a double-take as he notices Mr. Rosenfeld dancing beside his bench ]

Prosecutor: Uh… Your Honor?

Judge: You know what? I rule for the Plaintiff! And I award her… one hour in my chamber! [ he bangs his gavel ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13: A Message From the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 9












13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon

A Message From the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Interpretor…..Kenan Thompson
Secret Service Agents…..Beck Bennett, Mike O’Brien
Angela Merkel…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: Hello! Good evening! Well, tonight, I’d like to talk to you about the exciting progress we’re making on our healthcare.gov website. Uh, but first… I’d like to address some of the controversies I encountered at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela. I feel like Lemony Snicket… because I experienced a series of unfortunate events. I mean, first… I got roped into taking a selfie with the blonde female Danish prime minister. Some people said Michelle was angry at me for that. But I talked to her afterwards, and I can assure you… she was furious! THen, I got caught shaking hands with Raoul Castro. In my defense… he told me he was Edward James Olmos. And, finally, there was a sign-language interpretor who clearly had no idea what he was doing. But those were, uhh… mere distractions! And, uh, tonight… I would like to focus instead on healthcare.

[ Mandela’s sign-language interpretor appears behind Obama ]

President Barack Obama: Now… I have been listening.

[ the interpretor holds his hand behind his ear ]

President Barack Obama: …To what Americans have been saying.

[ the interpretor makes talking motions with his hands ]

President Barack Obama: …And, uhhh… some very valid concerns are being raised.

[ the interpretor makes a “raising the roof” motion ]

President Barack Obama: But… this is not a battle that will be won overnight.

[ the interpretor mimes machine guns, then lays his hands to his face as if asleep ]

President Barack Obama: And, without a doubt… we’ve seen huge improvements… on our website.

[ the interpretor mimes “shooting the bird” at the computer ]

President Barack Obama: We’ve had our BEST people working on it!

[ the interpretor mimes the curves of an attractive woman, then gives a smiling thumbs-up ]

President Barack Obama: Our VERY BEST people!

[ the interpretor mimes those curves again, but this time gives TWO thumbs-up ]

President Barack Obama: Admn those who claim we are moving in the wrong direction… well, that’s just NONSENSE!

[ the interpretor claps his hands together, bends his middle fingers, then twists his hands around so his middle fingers are wiggling from either end ]

President Barack Obama: I mean… some folks are bound to be frustrated. But… many more are excited.

[ the intepretor waves his hand over his face to make a frown, then lowers his hand over his face to create a smile ]

President Barack Obama: And while I can’t say that I’ve been entirely thrilled with the results…

[ the intepretor mimes Thriller moves ]

President Barack Obama: …I’m just relieved that the website has been turned on again.

[ the interpretor rubs his nipples through his suit ]

President Barack Obama: [ spotting the interpretor ] Hey! What are you doing here?! [ the interptretor mimics Obama ] Please leave, Sir! [ more mimicking ] No, go away! [ more mimicking ] No, you! Not me! Okay, can we get some of our Secret Service in here?!

[ the interpretor mimes climbing a rope, as the Secret Service drag him off ]

President Barack Obama: I apologize for that. Uh, now if I may return to the subject of healthcare…

[ German Chancellor Angela Merkel steps forward ]

Angela Merkel: Yoo-hoo! It’s your favorite German chancellor, Angela Merkel!

President Barack Obama: Okay. What are you doing here?

Angela Merkel: Um… I have und favor to ask? The Danish Prime Minister has been bragging all over Northern Europe about her selfie with you. And I was joping that I could get one as well. [ she pulls out her iPhone ]

President Barack Obama: [ uncomfortable ] Uh — uh — uh, I don’t think so!

Angela Merkel: Oh, really? I kind of feel like you owe me, after the whole wiretapping-my-cellphone thing.

President Barack Obama: Okay, but make it quick.

Angela Merkel: Okay. [ she holds out her iPhone, makes a pouty face, and snaps ] Okay, zat one was serious. Now, let’s do a fun one. [ she holds out her iPhone and snaps it as Obama sticks out his tongue ] Alright! Don’t worry — I won’t guttentag that on Frassbook. That is for my own private use. Oh, was it blurry…?

President Barack Obama: Okay, uh — Security!

[ the Secret Service agents pull her away ]

Angela Merkel: I will ALWAYS love you!

President Barack Obama: Alright… [ as the Interpretor dances into frame ] Oh, great! Now, THIS guy’s back! Geez! You know what? Forget it! I guess… [ the interpretor mimics him ] I guess the only thing left to say is, uh…

Together: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIIIIIIGHTT!!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13: Dance of the Snowflakes



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 9












13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon

Dance of the Snowflakes

Gene Halderman…..John Goodman
Dancer…..Vanessa Bayer
Annette…..Aidy Bryant
Edgar…..Kenan Thompson

Gene Halderman: Good evening! Welcome to Dearborn Community Playhouse’s first annual holiday pageant.

[ audience clapping ]

Gene Halderman: Thank you. My name is Gene Halderman, a lot of you may know me as your doctor, but tonight, I’m just one of the performers in the show you’re about to see. This show is the combination of a lotta hard work, and a lotta sacrifice, and we’re really proud of it. So now, without further ado, please enjoy… The Dance of the Snowflakes.

[ audience clapping ]

[ music playing as everyone starts to dance ]

Gene Halderman V/O: Oh no. This is… dumb? This is so dumb?

[ everyone is dancing to the music ]

Gene Halderman V/O: Oh God. My wife’s here. And everyone from work. Do they think this is dumb? Maybe I’m over thinking this. Everyone else seems to be smiling.

Dancer V/O: Uh oh. Is this… really dumb? It is, isn’t it? Oh God. At least Annette’s into it.

Annette V/O: This is humiliating. How can a person be so sure, something is great for two months, and then, in a split second know the exact opposite is true. Huh, Edgar still likes this.

Edgar V/O: Holy [bleep]. What the hell am I doing up here? I’m a 48 year-old black snowflake. My wife cannot like this.[ music continues to play ]

Gene Halderman: I paid a man $3500 to tape this. I was excited to watch it back.

Dancer V/O: My grandma flew in for this. She brought me flowers. I don’t deserve flowers, I deserve a slap in the face.

Annette V/O: My sister is getting married right now. And I chose to be here. Oh, kill me, just put a bullet in my skull.

Edgar V/O: My wife never gonna wanna see my penis again. Especially not since it’s been bunched up in this tight ass unitard. I really got stuffed in there too. Have to fold it. Oh God, now I’m thinking about my penis. Oh, it’s getting a boner. Oh no no no no no no no no. I gotta turn around.

[ Edgar turns around ]

[ music playing ]

Gene Halderman: I just had new business cards printed. Now they say “Gene Halderman: Doctor/Dancer”. What the hell was I thinking?

Dancer V/O: On the way here, I hit a man with my car. I didn’t stop because I thought this was more important. But, this is nothing.

Edgar V/O: Oh man, there’s a guy in the audience in a wheelchair. I feel like he’s looking at me like, “Thank God my legs can’t do that.” And then my boner’s back. What? Why?

[ Edgar turns around ]

Annette V/O: Backstage, we decided to dedicate this show to Nelson Mandela. Why? He doesn’t want that.

[ music changes ]

Gene Halderman: You know what? Maybe this is good. Yeah, this is good.

Annette V/O: We worked hard on this. I’m proud.

Dancer V/O: I think people definitely like this.

Edgar V/O: Everyone’s smiling, we did a good job.

[ audience clapping and cheering, as it shows “Dearborn Community Playhouse – First Annual Holiday Pageant” ]

Edgar V/O: Oh no, my boner’s back!

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Fallon: 12/21/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 10


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>






Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


December 21st 2013

Jimmy Fallon

Justin Timberlake

None

Paul McCartney

Madonna

Barry Gibb

Mayor Michael Bloomberg

None
WrappinvilleSummary: Christmas bow saleswoman (Aidy Bryant) faces competition from Wrappinville’s dancing gift wrap mascots (Justin Timberlake, Jimmy Fallon), who are also her obnoxious sons.

Recurring Characters: Dancing Mascot.

Montage

Jimmy Fallon’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon wants to perform a Christmas quartet with David Bowie, Bob Dylan and Paul McCartney, but the legendary musicians are ostensibly stuck in traffic.

Family FeudSummary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) moderates as dim-witted CBS stars battle dim-witted NBC stars.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer, Ice-T, Jane Lynch.

Transcript

(Do It On My) Twin BedSummary: The girls of “SNL” perform a song about taking their boyfriends home to their childhood twin bed in their parents’ houses over the Christmas holidays.

Transcript

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) rails against Megyn Kelly (Cecily Strong) and Paul Ryan (Taran KIllam), but likes what Madonna has to say.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Paul Ryan.

Justin Timberlake performs “Only When I Walk Away”

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: Billie Jean King (Kate McKinnon) can’t wait to rub her homosexuality into Putin’s face during the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Jimmy Fallon discuss their coming changes as they leave the New York Mayor’s office and hand “Late Night” over to Seth Meyers.

Recurring Characters: Billie Jean King.

Waking up With KimyeSummary: Kanye West (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) show off their video Christmas card.

Recurring Characters: Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kim Jenner.

Now That’s What I Call ChristmasSummary: A compilation of classic Christmas songs performed by today’s hottest stars.

Recurring Characters: Axl Rose, Slash, Zooey Deschanel, Alanis Morissette, Shakira.

A Christmas CarolSummary: The Ghost of Christmas Past (Kenan Thompson) helps Ebenezer Scrooge (Taran Killam) come to the realization that he’s gay.

Baby It’s Cold OutsideSummary: Guy (Jimmy Fallon) wants Girl (Cecily Strong) to stay in from the cold until after their tryst is complete.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “Pair of Wings”

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Fallon: 12/21/13: Baby It’s Cold Outside



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 10














13j: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake

Baby It’s Cold Outside

Girl…..Cecily Strong
Guy…..Jimmy Fallon
Friend…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on couple sitting together ]

Girl: [ singing ] “I really can’t stay.”

Guy: [ singing ] “But baby, it’s cold outside.”

Girl: “I’ve got to go away.”

Guy: “But baby, it’s cold outside.”

Girl: This evening has been.”

Guy: “Been hoping that you’d drop in.”

Girl: “So very nice.”

Guy: “I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice.”

Girl: “My mother will start to worry.”

Guy: “Beautiful, what’s your hurry?”

Girl: “My father will be pacing the floor.”

Guy: “Listen to the fireplace roar.”

Girl: “I really can’t stay.”

Guy: “Oh, but it’s cold outside.”

[ they snuggle on the couch, as the camera pans upward out of view ]

[ SUPER: “Twelve Minutes Later” ]

[ the camera pans back downward ]

Guy: “So… should I call you a cab?”

Girl: “But baby it’s cold outside.”

Guy: “You know, it’s really not bad.”

Girl: “You said it was cold outside.”

Guy: “You can still catch the bus.”

Girl: “I’ll make breakfast for us.”

Guy: “It’s just a few blocks away.”

Girl: “Tomorrow, we’ll hang out all day.”

Guy: “I have an early thing tomorrow.”

Girl: “Got a toothbrush I can borrow?”

Guy: “I have a meeting at my work.”

Girl: “At last, a guy who isn’t a jerk.”

Guy: “I really can’t stay.”

Girl: “It’s starting to storm out.”

Guy: “But, baby, it’s warm outside.”

[ he opens the door and lets snow fly into her face ]

Girl: “Are we still on for next weekend?”

Guy: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Girl: “You said you’d take me antiquing.”

Guy: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Girl: “You said it when you…”

Guy: “Right.”

Girl: “Bought me those drinks.”

Guy: “Baby, I said a lot of things.”

Girl: “Do you really think I could act?”

Guy: “Can’t believe I said that!”

Girl: “You know, this isn’t my coat.”

Guy: “Can you take the trash when you go?”

Girl: “We should stay up late.”

Guy: “She’s not getting it.”

Girl: “But baby it’s cold outside.”

Guy: “But, baby, it’s warm outside/”

[ the phone rings ]

Guy: “Hello.”

Friend: “Hey man you want to hang out?”

Guy: “Oh, of course, the important meeting.”

Friend: “What are you talking about?”

Guy: “The meeting got pushed even earlier?”

Friend: “Oh, are you with a girl?”

Guy: “Yes, that’s correct!”

Friend: “Then I’ll leave you alone.”

Guy: “Okay, boss, I’ll see you in the morn.”

[ she returns wearing his sports jersey ]

Girl: “Do you mind if I sleep in this?”

Guy: “This is getting too serious.”

Girl: “You know I’m just as nervous as you.
But who knows what this could turn into.”

Guy: “I don’t know what to do.”

Girl: “Here’s a clue.”

[ she kisses him ]

Together: “Baby it’s cold outside!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Fallon: 12/21/13: Family Feud



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 10




















13j: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake

Family Feud

Steve Harvey…..Kenan Thompson
Jim Parsons…..Jimmy Fallon
Ashton Kutcher…..Taran Killam
Jon Cryer…..Jon Mlhiser
Alyson Hannagan…..Noel Wells
Jimmy Fallon…..Justin Timberlake
Jane Lynch…..
Ice-T…..Jay Pharoah
…..Brooks Wheelan

Announcer: It’s time to play “Family Feud” — Celebrity Edition! Here’s your host — Steve Harvey!

[ Steve Harvey dances onto game stage ]

Steve Harvey: Okay, now! Welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud”! Now, this is the other daytime TV show I host. I’ve just about reached my goal to be on MUTE in EVERY waiting room in America! Over here, we’ve got celebrities from CBS! And over there, we got the team from NBC! Alright, heading up the CBS team — He’s on a show about SEX with plus-sized women, called “The Big Ol’ Bang Theory”! Jim Parsons!

Jim Parsons: Steve… while I understand what you’re saying is in jest… the show is in actuality a humorous look at the lives of young scientists, so… Bazinga!

Steve Harvey: [ chuckling ] I’ll take your word for it, Player! From “Two and a Half Men”, we got Ashton Koocher!

Ashton Kutcher: I was Steve Jobs!

Steve Harvey: For Halloween? Oh man, that’s great! This year, I went as a Funky Mummy! Mmm! [ dancing ] “Funky! Mummy!” Alright, up next, I believe, is my agent from ICM. Hey there, Marty!

Jon Cryer: No… Actually, I’m Jon Cryer. I’m also on “Two and a Half Men.”

Steve Harvey: Well, you had me fooled! And from “How I Met Dat Mama” — Miss Alyson Hannagan!

Alyson Hannagan: Ohhh! That’s me! I’m Alyson Hannagan! Cool!

Steve Harvey: Well, I wouldn’t bet on this team right here. Let’s move on to the NBC side. Leading the team is the new next host of “The Tonight Show” — Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: It’s so great! So great! SO… great! Celebrities playing games! Nothing better! SO funny!

Steve Harvey: [ laughing ] Hey… you need to calm down! I mean, I’m not that excited about this show, and they PAY me! Two fedoras a day! Alright, uh… from “Hollywood Game Night”, we got Miss Jane Lynch!

Jane Lynch: [ leaning down into her microphone ] Steve, you’re a fine man and this is a fine show.

Steve Harvey: Oooooh! You some kind of a GLAMazon, huh? You so tall, we might have to 79! [ he chuckles heartily ] Whoo! Alright! And from “Law & Order: Special Food”, we got Ice-T!

Ice-T: Yo, are we standin’ this WHOLE time? ‘Cause Ice-T’s not wearin’ his orthopedics!

Steve Harvey: Hey, I feel ya’, Player, I feel ya’! And, finally, we got Mr… [ looking at card ] Brooks Wheelan. And, uh, what do you do, Brooks?

Brooks Wheelan: Uh… I’m on “Saturday Night Live”!

Steve Harvey: Uh-uh. I doubt it! You saying I could turn on “SNL” and see you on there?

Brooks Wheelan: Uh… yeah, yeah! I mean, sometimes… not a lot, but… it’s cool!

Steve Harvey: Hey, well… fair enough! Fair enough! Alright, now each team got to pick a CHARITY before the show! CBS will be playing for The Red Cross… and NBC will be playing for the NBC-Universal Company. Alright! Let’s get two players up here!

[ Jim Parsons walks solemnly to the podium, while Jimmy Fallon jumps up in his face ]

Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jim Parsons! Are you kidding me?! That is how it’s DONE, my man! He’s SO great, am I right?! Jim Parsons!

Steve Harvey: Okay, now! [ tries not to laugh ] Top FIVE answers on the board! We asked 100 men… [ Fallon and Parsons turn to stare at the board and laugh ] We asked 100 men: Name something you do to feel sexy!

[ Parsons slams the buzzer ]

Jim Parsons: Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve!

Steve Harvey: Okay, slow your roll, Player! Just give me the answer!

Jim Parsons: Although I personally find the concept of “sexy” to be entirely subjective, I suppose no one could resist coitus with a man with a t-shirt bearing the work of the great Japanese animator ?? Miyazaki.

Steve Harvey: I don’t understand a DAMN word of that, but, uh… I’ll roll wit’ ya’! Show me some mess about a Japanese t-shirt!

[ ding! — “Miyazaki T-Shirt: 1” ]

Jimmy Fallon: So good!

Steve Harvey: Ohhh, Lord! Come on, now! HOW the hell did that get up there?!

Jim Parsons: Simple. You never specified who could take the survey — They asked me on the way in! [ he laughs ] Bazinga! We’re gonna play.

Steve Harvey: alright, it looks like White Urkel and his team are gonna play! Alright, let’s move on over to Ashton Koocher! How you doing, Player?

Ashton Kutcher: FAN-TAST-IC!

Steve Harvey: Good for you! Name something that you do to be sexy?

Ashton Kutcher: Well, Steve… I’m one of People Magazine’s SEXIEST people alive! So I KNOW SEXY!! I would light a FI-YER, and say in my SEXIEST voice: “We’re gonna bone!!”

Steve Harvey: Okay. But I don’t know how you gonna be sexy sounding like a Muppet! Let’s see Dirty Talk!

[ buzz! ]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry. Moving on to Jon Cryer. Something that you do to be sexy?

Jon Cryer: Uh… well, this… isn’t my area of expertise, but I’ll say, um… Untuck my shirt a little!

Steve Harvey: Uh… DAMN! I don’t wanna give you a “X”, because your life is clearly hard enough, but, uh… I probably gotta! Show me Untucked Shirt!

[ buzz! ]

Steve Harvey: Awww, come on now, CBS team! There’s so many things a man could do to be sexy! Fluff up your moustache… or take a bath in Drakkar Noir! Alyson Hannagan, what does your man do?

Alyson Hannagan: What I think is really sexy… is when a guy is like a father — unless he’s, like, your father! That would be GROSS to think your DAD is sexy! Ohhhh, man! Now I’m thinking of my Dad’s PENIS for some reason!

Steve Harvey: I’ll tell you what the reason is! You straight-up CRAZY! [ he chuckles ] Let’s see… Daddy’s Wang!

[ buzz! ]

Steve Harvey: Alright! Well, it looks like we got a chance for the NBC team to STEAL! [ the teammates shout ansers at one another ] There’s a lot of good answers there, Jimmy Fallon! Which one y’all gonna pick?

Jimmy Fallon: So many great answers! So many… They’re so great! So great, my man! But, Steve… [ he cracks up ]

[ at the other side of the stage, the real Jimmy Fallon crouches down behind his podium to crack up as well ]

Jimmy Fallon: Steve… there’s only ONE way for a man to be really sexy.

Steve Harvey: What’s that?

Jimmy Fallon: [ staring into the camera ] Be Justin Timberlake.

Steve Harvey: Alright, then, let’s see it!

[ ding! — “Justin Timberlake: 89” ]

Steve Harvey: You got the steal! NBC wins! Alright, let’s take a break! Somebody warm up my quesodilla from yesterday! I’ll see y’all in a few minutes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts