[ begin “Edith Ann” film, showing tiny Edith Ann tying her ice skates from atop a giant bench inside the ice skating rink; she is dressed in a bundle of warm winter clothing. ]
Edith Ann V/O: Hello. My name is Edith Ann, and I’m five-and-a-half years old. Mama says you got to bundle up, so you do not catch a common cold. I have two-and-a-half pairs of socks on; my right foot is colder than my left.
[ Edith Ann clims down the bench, flailing her arms wildly ]
There I go. It’s okay, I’m just flexing. Ice skating is not so difficult. It’s just like roller skating. Ice skating is like making angels in the snow, only standing up.
[ camera pans out, revealing Edith Ann’s dog sitting still behind the bench ]
That’s Buster. He’s not allowed on the ice, so I pasted his paws to the floor. One time, he went skating wih me, and he turned his ankle; I had to bring him home in a shopping bag.
[ Edith Ann begins to skate on the ice, though at an extremely slow, awkward pace ]
You need very strong ankles to ice skate. I must do some ankle exercises. [ falls down; camera loops it three times ] Hey.. hey! It doesn’t really hurt when I fall down, ’cause I put some pot holders in my pants. And, anyways, I meant to do that – and that’s the truth. [ blows a raspberry ]
[ open on image of “The Unofficial Seal, United States of America” ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Ford sitting at his desk; glass of water, and red and black phones sit atop his desk ]
[ SUPER: “This is not a good impression of Gerald Ford” ]
[ SUPER: “But Rich Little won’t work for scale” ]
President Gerald Ford: My fellow Americans.. I’ve called upon the networks tonight to make two pressing issues clear to the American public. [ sneezes into his tie ] #1: The possible default of New york City.. and #1: My stand on the Ronald Reagan announcement. [ red phone rings; Ford picks up the glass of water, splashing water all over his suit ] Hello! [ red phone keeps ringing ] Hello?! Hello, Nessen! I can’t hear you! What, are you in the pool? [ red phone still ringing ] Uh, I guess the other phone’s ringing, I don’t know. Alright. [ hangs up glass, allowing the red phone to continue ringing ]
Firstly, the default of New York City. Let me be clear on my feelings about this. As President, I will change my mind wherever I want. [ finally answers red phone ] Hello. Hotline. Anwar, uh.. just a second.. I’m on the air right now, I’ll get you Kissinger, alright? [ picks up black phone, dials Kissinger ] Hank? Can you call to talk to Sadat for a minute? Thank you. [ holds the two phones to one another, then drops them on the desk ]
The point is: Do I really know what the issue is? Relevent? Irrelevent? Fault? Default? These are just hard words. [ black phone starts buzzing; Ford picks up black headset ] Yes, Hank? Alright, I’ll talk to Anwar. Alright, alright.. [ hangs up black headset on red phone, then answers red headset ] Anwar! Hello? [ jiggles with hang-up button ] Hello?! [ hangs up red headset on black phone ] The Bayall Bill before the House of Representatives does not.. address.. the current situation! And I would veto it! The current situation being that, the longer I hold out on New York, the better chances I have with those conservative Republicans who might otherwise support Ronald Reagan! Pretty smart, eh?
Which brings me to my first point. Let’s take a look at the recent popularity polls, shall we? [ smacks his head on the desk top ] Whoops! [ stands and walks over to polls staked on easel ] Now, as we can see, the.. Ford popularity is.. [ lifts poll, turns it sideways ] ..certainly on a sharp rise here.. Whereas, the.. [ flips card, accidentally smacks it across the desk, as he follows and tumbles over it onto the floor ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
[ open on interior, classroom, as construction forewoman demonstrates a lesson with a hydraulic drill; female students are dressed in hardhats and jumpers. ]
Forewoman: Well.. that’s how the hydraulic drill works. Now that you’ve got the technical stuff under your belt, I think it’s time ya got some moxie – what I call “Streetside Savvy.” Now, here are a few choice facial expressions – you know, for when you’re not on the cinstruction site – and the noises that go with ’em. For instance: “Hey, ay ay ay! Chicky chicky chicky chicky chicky! Hey, ay ay ay!” [ purses her lips and signals with fingers ] And, this is a killer.. [ does the fish lips ] Yeah, it drives men crazy! Okay, now Exchange Student Danny, over here – hey, you!
[ Exchange Student Danny steps over ]
Forewoman: He has kindly offered to aid us in our live demonstration. Jane! Up here! [ Jane steps forward and sits beside Forwoman on the mock girder ] Now, uh, when a cutie pie walks by.. [ to Danny ] I want you to strut your stuff, honey. [ to the girls ] When a cutie pie walks by, here’s how you break the ice: [ as Danny struts past ] “Hey, hey, hey! Beefcakes! Beefcakes! Yeah! You! Come up here, baby! Do some squat jumps on dis girder!” Okay, I think I got him warmed up – you take over! Hey, hey, wait a second.. permit me, sweetheart.. [ removes Danny’s coat from his shoulders, allowing him to flex his muscles ]
Jane: Hey, hey, dreamboat.. what’s da matter? A.. smile isn’t gonna cost ya anything..
Forewoman: No, no, no.. No, you shoulda had that memorized, Jane, you shoulda had that memorized. Okay, class, let’s have a little participation. Here’s where your buddy support comes in handy. You take it again, Jane, strut your stuff there!
Jane: Hey, Studmuffins.. wanna make bouncy-bouncy?
Forewoman: Come on, kids, let’s have it! Come on, let’s have it! No, let’s have some participation, some buddy support!
Gilda: [ eager ] Oh, alright! [ whistles at Danny ]
Forewoman: That’s good. Hey, “Hoo-hah, hoo-hah!” [ whistles at Danny ] Get a load of that! Whoo-hoo! I wouldn’t throw him out of bed! Hey hey hey! Okay, hey, Gilda, come on up! Come up up! [ Gilda approaches Danny ] Hey, honey, sweetheart, hey you! Strut your stuff in front of Gilda! [ Danny mercilessly struts ] That’s it, sweetheart! do it!
Forewoman: A real, real nice selection, Gilda! A real nice selection! Honey, come on, keep it up, let’s go!
Gilda: Uh.. hey! Joy Chunks! No, you! Hey! You dropped something! [ Danny bends over ] no, just fooling! you look like my ex-husband! [ laughs sadistically; Jane whistles ] Uh.. I don’t think he likes this..
Forewoman: No, no, no.. hey.
Danny: Can I put on my coat now, please?
Forewoman: May I put on my coat, please? No! Okay, class, hey! You all saw how Danny here, uh.. he’s reacting like he’s insulted? It’s all an act, believe me. Trust me, Gilda – he loves it. Every minute of it, he loves it
Laraine: Yeah. When you stop whistling, they sure do start gettin’ nervous!
Gilda: Okay, I’ll try it! Hey hey hey hey, come on, baby!
Danny: I’m not your baby!
Forewoman: Hey, hey, check this! Hey, hey, check this! Hey, hey, hey, hey! [ to class ] This is what you call your re-par-tee! Now, when you get your example of your re-par-tee, I mean, if you’re a hardhat who’s done her homework, you’re gonna have a battery of witty-cisms and bons mots. Okay?
Laraine: Heeeeyy, Crazy Pecs! Where’d you get those pecs, why don’t ya flex ’em for me, Butch? Yeah, give me a cheap thrill, uh.. how would ya like a staple in your navel?
Danny: Okay, just hold on a minute! What do you think I am! Men have feelings, too, you know! I don’t have to take this! I thought I was coming in to help!
Laraine: Come on, you eat this stuff up like a fork, you know? I mean, you love it! Don’t complain! You little tease, you little juicy buns!
Danny: Hey, that’s enough.. knock it off!!
Forewoman: Oh! Hey hey! Hey, they are so cute when they’re mad! They are so cute!
[ lunch whistle blows ]
Forewoman: Uh-oh! Hey, hey! One hour. Lunchtime. [ hands Danny his coat ] Here – put this on, sweetheart, cover yourself up!
[ the hardhats exit the classroom, except for Gilda ]
Danny: [ sighs ] They were real mean to me! I was only trying to help them!
Gilda: Hey.. don’t cry. It’s only school.
[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Is Lassie’s Real Name Elaine Horowitz” ]
Young Woman…..Laraine Newman Land Shark…..Chevy Chase Matt Hooper…..John Belushi Sheriff Brady…..Dan Aykroyd Patricia…..Jane Curtin Second Woman…..Gilda Radner Mrs. Brady…..Lily Tomlin
[ open on Young Woman sitting on the couch, talking to her mother over the phone ]
Young Woman: Mom, I’m telling you, I’ll be okaaaayy. I’ll be careful. Alright. goodbye. [ hangs up, as doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music as she saunters over to the door ] Yes?
Voice of Land Shark: Mrs. Bowerton..
Young Woman: Who?
Voice of Land Shark: Mrs. Heyahl..
Young Woman: What?!
Voice of Land Shark: Telephone man!
Young Woman: My telephone’s okay! Who is this?!
Voice of Land Shark: [ pause ] Are you double-parked, I think you’re blocking me?
Young Woman: I don’t own a car! come on, who is this?
Voice of Land Shark: [ hesitant ] Candygram.
Young Woman: [ excited ] A candygram! Oh, boy! [ opens door, and is devoured headfirst by Land Shark ]
[ SUPER: “Jaws III” ]
[ dissolve to Sheriff’s office, as Matt Hooper examines the Young Woman’s remains ]
Matt Hooper: [ breathing heavily ] Oh, my God! You can’t tell me.. that this woman was killed by slipping on a bar of soap!!
Sheriff Brady: What is it, Matt?
Matt Hooper: [ dramatic pause ] Land Shark! Still the cleverest species of them all!
Sheriff Brady: That’s the third time he’s hit that building! We’d better get over there!
[ dissolve to Patricia, sitting on couch and listening to the radio ]
Voice on Radio: Still on the loose. He disguises his voice and attacks single women, usually. It is still advised that the best method to ward off the land shark, in case of attack, is to hit it on the nose with a blunt instrument. Oceanographers at the –
[ Patricia turns the radio off ]
[ doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music ]
Patricia: Yes?
Voice of Sheriff Brady: Patricia! It’s Sheriff Brady and Matt Cooper! We’ve got to talk to you, it’s urgent!
Patricia: Okay, just a sec. [ grabs a mallet from bookshelf and unlocks her door ] Come right in.
[ the door open, Patricia swings her mallet; Sheriff Brady topples into the front room clutching his head in pain ]
Matt Hooper: [ enters ] It’s alright. Listen, Patricia.. Patricia.. this shark thing, it’s coming for the head! Now, he’s smart! He’s very smart! But! He’s killed three separate women in the same building! That’s where we’ve got him! Okay? Now, stay in your apartment, and don’t leave, no matter what! Don’t answer that door for any reason, okay? Unless you know it’s me or Sheriff Brady! Is that clear?
Patricia: I think so, yes.
Matt Hooper: You got it?!
Patricia: Uh-huh.
Matt Hooper: Okay. Now, there’s a special knock, that only me or Sheriff Brady will know! Okay? Now, don’t answer that door unless you hear that knock! It goes like this: [ knocks thrice, pauses, then twice more ] You got it?
Patricia: Yeah.
Matt Hooper: [ demonstrates it again ] That’s it! Okay? Okay, let’s go, Brady. We’ve gotta alert the others! Come on! Thanks, Patricia! Bye!
[ Matt and Brady exit, Patricia locks her door ]
[ the secret knock is heard at the door ]
Patricia: What is it now?!
Voice of Land Shark: [ voice disguised ] Uh.. I-I left my goggles there, Patricia..
Patricia: Oh, okay! [ opens door, is devourced by th shark ]
[ dissolve to Sheriff Brady’s office, as he and Matt examine Patricia’s body ]
Sheriff Brady: Which one is Patricia?
Matt Hooper: [ fuming ] Now, this is no time for levity, Brady! Now, look, we’ve gotta think of something! We’ve gottta think of something.. very fast.. Okay. I’ve got it! I’ve got an idea! I’ll be right back! [ steps off-screen ]
Sheriff Brady: This has gotta stop! We’ve gotta do something! [ thinking, as “Jaws” music cues ] I know! I know, that’s it! I can get some people. We’ll post deputies at the entrances and exits of all buildings!
[ Land Shark’s head bobs out from behind wall, nudging Brady’s shoulder ] I’m glad you’re back – I know just how to handle this! What we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna get some people together.
Land Shark: Get a posse?
Sheriff Brady: Get a posse, that’s right!
Land Shark: Surround the area?
Sheriff Brady: Surround the area, right! That’s right! Good, good! We’ll surround the area!
Sheriff Brady: Carry some harpoons? That’s a stupid idea- [ screams as Land Shark bites on him and pulls him off-screen ]
[ dissolve to Second Woman sitting on couch, listening to radio ]
Voice on Radio: ..and suggested it will pass, that there are ways to escape njury, even from the deadliest of the ocean sharks – the Great White. One method commonly spoken of by experts in this area- [ screams, as shark is heard eating him ]
Voice of Land Shark: [ taking over broadcast ] ..is to graciously invite the, uh.. the fish into your living room, and offer him a soda pop.. and maybe some Oreos and cookies.. just make him feel at home. And, uh.. that’s the news. Uh.. stay tuned for something else. Wait! Stay tuned.. stay tuned for music.
Second Woman: [ turns radio off, as doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music ] Who is it?
Voice of Land Shark: Land Shark!
Second Woman: Ohh.. Land Shark, huh? [ opens door ] Come on in and have a root beer! We’ve got Oreos and- [ screams, as shark devours her]
[ dissolve to Sheriff Brady’s office, as Matt uses the phone ]
Matt Hooper: Hello, Mrs. Brady? Yeah, this is Matt. This is Matt. Right. Look, uh.. I don’t know how to tell you this, but, uh.. well, your husband’s been eaten by a shark. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll tell you all about it later, I’ll be right over. [ hangs up phone ]
[ dissolve to Mrs. Brady at her apartment, wearing black veil and looking at a picture of Sheriff Brady ]
[ a knock at the door ]
Mrs. Brady: Yes?
Voice of Matt Hooper: Yeah, it’s me, Sue!
Mrs. Brady: [ starts to unlock door, then stops ] How do I know it’s reallyyou?
Voice of Matt Hooper: Because I don’t sound like a shark, do I! Come on, it’s me, Matt!
Mrs. Brady: [ opens door ] Oh, Matt, I’m glad to see you. I feel so badly. that he had to go this way.. even though you are so attractive to me – you hunk!
Matt Hooper: [ out of breath ] Listen, sue.. there’s no time for that now! Listen, I don’t know how we can stop this thing! He’s just too clever! He’s too smart!
[ cue “Jaws” music ]
Voice of Chevy Chase: [ at door ] John..? Lily..? Cut it.. Cut it..
Lily Tomlin: [ breaking character ] What?
John Belushi: [ breaking character ] What?
Voice of Chevy Chase: Cut it, please.. I’m sorry.. we’re running very long, I’m sorry.. we’re gonna have to cut this sketch short, I’m afraid it’s, uh.. the scene’s getting too slow..
Lily Tomlin: Oh, come on!
John Belushi: Can’t we just finish the scene?!
Voice of Chevy Chase: No, I’m really sorry, John.. it’s just..
Lily Tomlin: Well, look.. I mean, the scene’s almost over.. give us a break..
Voice of Chevy Chase: Lily.. Lily.. we’re running too long.. why don’t you just say a line or something, exit through that apartment door there, on your right..
John Belushi: This is great.. great! Just when I’m about ready to catch the shark, you’re gonna cut the scene! Great!
Lily Tomlin: Forget about catching the shark! I mean, I can understand them doing this to you, but I’m the host! [ screams, as shark peeks in and gobbles her ]
John Belushi: [ alone on couch ] I turned down a job in “Cuckoo’s Nest” for this..
Lily Tomlin: [ screams ] Well, thank you all a lot! And welome to the show. We’re excited tonight to show this pageant to you. It’s something that’s inside our bodies, and it just wants to get out! I’m especially excited to be back here in New York, because when you’re here, you know, there’s just so many impressions and so many impulses that greet you and meet you. In fact, so many, that, very often I just feel bound to write them down in my notebook, which I have concealed here very cleverly in my armpit! [ reaches in blouse and pulls out notebook ] And, um.. I thought I’d read them to you:
“I wonder what it would be like if we all became what we wanted to be when we grew up? I mean, imagine a world filled with nothing but firemen, cowboys, nurses and ballerinas.”
“I’ve decided that New York is always knowing where your purse is.”
“And I’ll tell you something else – I resent losing the Ozone Layer just so we cna have Pam.”
“Have you ever actually seen someone laughing all the way to the bank?”
“Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?” [ audience applauds wildly ] Why, this audience is filled with a bunch of little freaks!
“Being a New Yorker is never having to say you’re sorry.”
“How come when you’re last in a line that isn’t moving, and someone comes and stands behind you, you fell a lot better?”
And, most important of all: “Wouldn’t it be nice if all those people who roam the streets of New York, talking to themselves, were paired off so that they could walk around in couples and look like they’re having a conversation?”
I’ll tell you – I wanted to do a cheer for New York, while I’m here. [ snapping fingers ] And.. this is the composition that comes to mind:
“Cheer up, New York, ’cause you’re okay Though the President says you won’t last another day. I’m here to say you’re here to stay And mention, by the way, if I may You got the greatest culture, symphonies and plays Also shopping, eating, meeting places and subways Take pride in yourself, you could be Philadelphia.”
Announcer: Come with us now, from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland. From the rotting forest to the stagnant mudflaps. To the Land of Gorch!
[ King Ploobis is slurping out of a bowl. ]
King Ploobis: Mmmm. Scred? Where’s Scred? There’s glitches in my milk. I had to milk the damn gorkon myself. Where’s Scred?
[ Queen Peuta enters, wearing a hairnet. ]
Peuta: I don’t know where he is! I’ve been looking for him all morning. He was supposed to give me an impermanent, you know. You know, dear, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he had left.
King Ploobis: Left? What do you mean by that?
Peuta: Well, he’s been going around all week with this faraway look in his eyes… and he keeps singing the most sappy, ridiculous songs to himself! I think he’s in love.
King Ploobis: Scred? In love?
Peuta: Mmm hmmm.
King Ploobis: But the last time he fell in love was when he went head over heels for Fran Allison. Remember that? He formed the Gorch chapter of the Kukla, Fran and Ollie club.
Peuta: Hah hah. Yes, that’s right — he was gone for a week when he went to New York to try and get on her show!
King Ploobis: Wait a minute. You don’t suppose… Grrrurrrhhh. Come with me. We’ll check out his place.
Peuta: That’s a good idea.
King Ploobis: Yes, it’s right over here. Yeah. See this, this crater right here — that’s where he lives. Now, you get down there, see, you’re small enough… [ Ploobis pushes Peuta down into Scred’s crater. ] Whoops! I’ll push… Get down there… You down there?
Peuta: [ down there: ] Yeah, I’m down here — but what a mess! I’ve never seen such a thing! [ She clatters around. ] I’m trying to see what I can find — Ah HAH! What’s this, hanging over his bed?
King Ploobis: What’s that? Grrrurrrhh! [ Peuta passes a framed photo up to Ploobis. ] It’s a picture of Lily Tomlin!
Peuta: I’ll see what else I can find… uh oh! And what’s this in his waste basket? [ She passes another photo up. ]
King Ploobis: What’s that? Why — it’s his old picture of Fran Allison!
Peuta: Ah hah! I’ll see if I can find any more clues in this rubble. Let me see, let me see… ah hah, Ploobis, I think I’ve found it! Look what was lying on his writing desk! [ She tosses up a crumpled piece of paper. ]
King Ploobis: Well, it’s, uh… looks like the first draft of a letter to Lily Tomlin!
[ Peuta pops up from the crater and reads the letter over Ploobis’ shoulder. ]
King Ploobis: It says: “Dear Lily Tomlin: I have watched with enchantment your beautiful image, when I can sneak away from my loathsome, degrading, filthy job.”
[ Peuta gasps. ]
Peuta: Read on, read on.
King Ploobis: Yes. It says: “mi amore enchante, je t’aime, je t’aime.” Hunnhh. It says: “PS, Be mine tonight, your slave in love, Scred.” And then down at the bottom, it says, “PS, X X X X.”
Peuta: Oh! He’s in love with Lily Tomlin!
King Ploobis: Grrrunnhh. She has my sympathies.
[ Cut to: Scred cuddling up with Lily Tomlin, onstage in front of a black background. Lily is sitting on a stool, with Scred next to her. Scred puts his arm around her. ]
Scred: Lily?
Lily Tomlin: Yes?
Scred: I’ve tried in so many little ways all week to tell you what a gas it’s been to hang out with you.
Lily Tomlin: Oh, yes you have, and I’ve enjoyed it myself, Scred. Um. It’s just that… it’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…
Scred: Oh?
Lily Tomlin: Uh… well, it’s…
Scred: Spit it out! Spit it out!
Lily Tomlin: Okay.
Scred: No secrets, Lily.
Lily Tomlin: No, no secrets. Um — I hope… I want you to understand… that it’s, uh… well, it’s difficult… not that I don’t like you a lot… but it’s difficult for a woman in my position…
Scred: Yes, yes?
Lily Tomlin: To, um, well, to have my name linked romantically with a puppet.
Scred: Ohhhhh! Hey, that’s no problem! Yeah, I feel the same way.
Lily Tomlin: Well, thanks.
[ Music starts… ]
Scred: Yeah! We should keep it light! Easy.
Lily Tomlin: Well, thank you, Scred.
[ Lily starts to sing. ]
Lily Tomlin: “They say we’re young, and we don’t know We won’t find out until we grow.”
Scred: “Yeah, but I don’t know if all that’s true, Cause you’ve got me, and baby, I got you!”
Lily & Scred: “Babe — I got you, babe! I got you, babe!”
Lily Tomlin: “I got flowers in the spring.”
Scred: “Yeah! And I got you to wear my ring.”
Lily Tomlin: “And when I’m sad, you’re a clown!”
Scred: “And if I get scared… You’re always around!”
Lily Tomlin: “So let them say your hair’s too long I don’t care, with you I can’t go wrong.”
Scred: “Oh, Lily — Put your little hand in mine There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb!”
Lily & Scred: “Babe — I got you, babe! I got you, babe!”
Lily Tomlin: [ hugs Scred close and whispers ] “I got you, babe!”
Announcer: Meet Ellen Sherman, Cleveland housewife and mother.
Housewife: Hi! Im a nuclear physicist and commissioner of consumer affairs. In my spare time I do needlepoint, read, sculpt, take riding lessons and brush up on my knowledge of current events. Thursday is my day at the day care center and then theres my work with the deaf but I still have time left over to do all my own baking and practice my backhand even though Im on call 24 hours a day as a legal aide (fades out)
Announcer: How does Ellen Sherman do it all? Shes smart. She takes Speed! The tiny blue diet pill you dont have to be overweight to need.
Housewife: And then I collect these paper bags and I have them right here, all folded and everything, in case anyone needs a paper bag I have one (fades out)
Announcer: Yes, Speed.
Housewife: (fades in) cause I fold them neatly you know, I dont fold them just any old way (fades out)
Announcer: Why not ask your family doctor for a prescription today? And when that runs out, you can ask your neighbors doctor. And your mothers doctor. And your college roommates doctor. And your best friend from high schools doctor. And your babysitters doctor . . . (fades out)
[Open on interior of hospital room. A patient is led into the room by nurses]
Announcer: You’ve just had a heavy session of electroshock therapy, and you’re more relaxed than you’ve been in weeks. [Patient climbs into bed] All those childhood traumas magically wiped away, along with most of your personality. Now is the time, time for Spud. [Nurse wheels in bucket with cans of Spud Beer]
Singers: Ohhhhh, Spud!
Announcer: Filled with the full, rich flavor of potatoes. [Patients begin smiling] Spud, the beer brewed for people who can’t taste the difference.
[Patients and nurses open cans of Spud]
Singers: “When you say Spud, just put your mind on hold. Do what you’re told, and open a cold, Refreshing Spud. Just watch your life go by. No need to try. When you’ve got Spud.”Ohhhhh Spud!”
Lily Tomlin & Howard Shore’s All-Nurse SNL Band perform “St. James Infirmary”
…..Lily Tomlin …..Howard Shore …..SNL Band
[ Lily Tomlin sits atop Paul Shaffer’s piano. The SNL band, all dressed in white like nurses, surround the stage ]
Lily Tomlin: It gives me great pleasure to introduce, for the first time anywhere, never seen on television, the “Saturday Night” orchestra, Howard Shore and his All-Nurse Band. This is head nurse Howard Shore.
[ Howard Shore enters scene ]
Howard Shore: “St. James Infirmary”?
Lily Tomlin: What did you say?
Howard Shore: “St. James Infirmary”?
Lily Tomlin: Suits me.
[ band begins to play ]
Lily Tomlin: [ singing ] “When will I ever stop moaning When will I ever smile? My baby went and left me He’ll be gone a long, long while.
I felt so blue and heartbroken What am I living for? My baby went and left me Never to come back no more.”
Band Members: “Heart, heart, heart! Got you, Pappy Heart, heart, heart! Mammy, too. Heart, heart, heart! Got your baby Heart, heart, heart! Gonna get you.”
Lily Tomlin: “I went down to St. James Infirmary I heard my baby groan. I felt so broken-hearted He used to be my own.”
Howard Shore: “Let him go, let him go, God bless him Whatever he may do. He can look this wide world over And he won’t ever find a sweet gal like you.”
Band Members: “Heart, heart, heart! Got you, Pappy Heart, heart, heart! Mammy, too. Heart, heart, heart! Got your baby Heart, heart, heart! Gonna get you.”
Lily Tomlin: “I tried to keep from crying My heart felt just like lead. He was all I had to live for I wish that it was me instead.”
All Together: “St. James Infirmary! St. James Infirmary!”
[ SUPER: “Coming up Next… Juan Corona Remembers” ]
[SFX Teletype. Chevy picks up the phone during Don Pardo’s introduction]
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.
[Chevy dials the rotary phone, waits a few seconds for an answer, then hangs up]
Chevy Chase: Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, “Boy, I’m sure glad I’m not foreign.”
[Chroma-key screen shows a picture of a pair of hands, one stabbing the other with a fork. The stabbed hand is circled, and the word “SIMULATION” appears underneath]
Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.
Former Governor of California Ronald Reagan formally announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination Wednesday. Reagan stated, quote, “I haven’t lost my looks yet, and I’m still as knowledgeable on foreign affairs as I was when I was narrating Death Valley Days.”
Meanwhile in Miami, a man tried to attack Reagan with a fake pistol a few short hours after the announcement. Reagan said he was not shaken, but later, he about-faced on an issue that he strongly opposed for years, calling for strenuous toy gun control legislation.
Well, after a long illness, Generalissimo Francisco Franco died Wednesday. Reactions from world leaders were varied. Held in contempt as the last of the fascist dictators in the West by some, he was also eulogized by others, among them Richard Nixon, who said, quote “General Franco was a loyal friend and ally of the United States. He earned worldwide respect for Spain through firmness and fairness.” Despite Franco’s death and an expected burial tomorrow, doctors say the dictator’s health has taken a turn for the worse.
[Screen shows photo of a man loading a mortar round into a cannon]
Ex-heavyweight champion Joe Louis, the Brown Bomber, proved he still has the fastest hands in the business by catching a live mortar round in mid-air.
The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of Ironsides. [Mixed laughter and groans from the audience]
After seven years in exile, author and black leader Eldridge Cleaver returned to the United States Thursday to face federal charges. Cleaver stated to the surprise of many that he wants to celebrate the bicentennial of his country. Calling his book Soul On Ice merely a practical joke, the author says that the future of America’s black movement is in the Kiwanis and Rotary clubs now.
[Screen shows “Still to come” graphic with pictures of people on fire jumping into water]
Still to come: Jerry Ford has a barbecue, after this filmed message.
[dissolve back on close-up of Spud Beer can on Weekend Update desk. Camera pans back to show Chevy holding the can]
Chevy Chase: Spud Beer. I drink it, and it’s very unusual [opens can] for a newsman to make an issue out of a good beer. But I drink it, and I pour it on my suit. [He pours a bit on his suit] Strange, isn’t it? [Sets can aside]
A final humorous note: Cartoonist Charles Schulz announced today that he plans to create another character for his popular comic strick, comic st — toy boat, toy boat — comic strip Peanuts, famous for such personalities as Snoopy and Woodstock. [Screen shows picture of Peanuts’ yellow bird Woodstock wearing Nazi uniform] According to Schulz, he will replace Woodstock with a bird named Altamont, who will beat the other birds to death with a pool cue.
And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris.
[Garrett appears in a “circle wipe” in the upper-left corner of the screen. He shouts the top story seconds after Chevy reads the words.]
Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris: Our top story tonight: The Senate confirms that the CIA has been involved in several assassination plots on foreign leaders.
Garrett Morris: …SEVERAL ASSASSINATION PLOTS AGAINST FOREIGN LEADERS! AND THAT’S THE NEWS!
Chevy Chase: And that’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant…tomorrow.
Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!
