Jane Curtin: Good evening! Welcome to “Looks At Books”. I’m your host, Jane Curtin. My guest tonight is the author of several books on race in America, and he’s here to talk about his latest book, “White Like Me”. Welcome, won’t you, Junior Griffin. Junior, why don’t you begin by describing the ordeal behind your book?
Junior Griffin: Well.. I decided that the only way to understand a white man’s problems was to actually become a white man, get white skin, and live like a white man in a white’s man world, you know?
Jane Curtin: And, uh, how did you accomplish this?
Junior Griffin: Uh.. shoe polish.
Jane Curtin: Here’s a copy of the book, with a picture of Junior as a white man. [ holds up book photo ] Junior, what did it feel like to suddenly be white?
Junior Griffin: Well, you know, it was spooky! Um.. I was walkin’ around with the credit cards bulgin’ out of my wallet, you know? And I’d apply for jobs, get accepted 8 out of 10 times, you know? And things I never dreamt of was happenin’ to me! It was really something else!
Jane Curtin: You know, I don’t want to offend you, Junior.. but I don’t think I would believe you were white – even with shoe polish. Did any other white folks catch on to your game?
Junior Griffin: Not a one. There’s some dumb honkies out there! They didn’t catch on a bit! ‘Cause I got into it! You know? I became a white person! And got a white attitude, you know what I mean?
Jane Curtin: Could you, uh, demonstrate this for us?
Junior Griffin: Well, if you don’t mind. But, you see, there’s a certain white walk that you have to have. And a certain white talk! [ stands ] I mean, you just can’t be like this, you know what I mean? You got to get down and say things like.. [ in a white voice ] “Excuse me? Would you move out of my way?” And you walk like this – check this walk! [ walks in a stilted white way ]
Jane Curtin: You got me! [ laughs ] Tell me, Junior, do you have any works in progress?
Junior Griffin: Well.. I’m working on a new book – it’s from the perspective of White Jewish-American Princesses.
Jane Curtin: That’s going to be very difficult.
Junior Griffin: Oh, it’s gonna be tricky, all right. You know, I’m gonna have to have a sex-change operation, and I’m gonna marry a doctor..
Jane Curtin: Well, we’ll talk more about that later..
Junior Griffin: ..have a couple kids, probably..
Jane Curtin: Thank you very much, Junior, for being on this show, and we’ll be right back after this message.
Richard Pryor: How you doin’? Thank you very much forcoming here to New York. Uh, hope I’m funny. I’d liketo dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, myfriend. He’s in the hospital, sick. But he’s cool.Miles always gets women, though, ’cause he talks socool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper] “What’shappenin’?”
I get women, too. I can’t keep ’em but I get ’em.Women always leave me, man! I don’t mind ’em leavin’but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Justleave! Don’t tell me why! ‘Cause there ain’t nothin’you can do but stand there and look silly, right? Yoube … [imitates a man standing there and lookingsilly: points to himself in surprise, shrugshelplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head indisbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool whenyou get mad. [as an angry man] “WELL, GO ON AND GETOUT THEN!” [as a cool, calm woman] “I’m leaving.” [asthe man] “I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” [as thewoman] “Don’t worry, you shan’t.”
Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin’for a while but I used to go into bars and check outthe people that were drinkin’ and they weren’t happy.And they get beat up a lot. No — drunks, they startout cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin’:[quiet, polite] “Give me a Scotch and soda, please.”Real cool. ‘Bout a hour later: [instantly imitates adrunk, yelling at a bartender to his right] “WHAT?!WHAT YOU MEAN I’M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn’t drunk when Icame in here! And I ain’t gonna leave till I’m sober.Now, you can dig that, baby. Bartender?! Are you thebartender? Give everybody in here somethin’. Give ’ema beer. And twenty straws. Ha ha! Whoooo!” [applause,Pryor turns to his left] “Hey! Huh? What you lookin’at, bitch? What? No, I don’t know what time it is.It’s time for you to stop messin’ with me. That’s whattime it is. I know I’m ugly but I don’t look like noclock. That’s right, baby. [turns to his right] What?What are you worried about? You the bartender. If Isay somethin’ to this piece of wood, then you saysomethin’. Otherwise, you can freeze on your thing,baby. You know, ’cause I’ll bust you apart. Ha haaaa!Whooo! [turns to his left, looks up] What you want,big ol’ dude? Apologize to who? For what? I don’t careif she your mama– [suddenly falls to the floor andtries to fend off blows with his arms as if beingpunched and kicked by the big ol’ dude] Hey, man! Waita minute, man! [rises] I’m just kiddin’, man, baby.What you doin’?! You done kick me in the ass, baby![feels his sore ass] You in a world o’ trouble now!No, don’t hold him — let him go, baby! Come on, youwant some of me? [puts his fists up to fight but isinstantly knocked to the floor, bounces back up again]Wait a minute, man. I’m only kiddin’ ya now.”[pretends to vomit all over himself noisily, muchapplause.]
That’s why I don’t drink so much. Take acid, either.White dudes take acid. They do. They take acid and gosee “The Exorcist.” They crazy. White dude gave mesome acid once at a party, too, jack. And I thought Iwas crazy before I took it. It saned me right up. Dudesay: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “This is far out.” Isaid, “What?” Says: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “It’sfar out.” I took it, jack. [mimes taking the acid,then as the white dude] “You’re gonna be trippin’!”
‘Bout twenty minutes later, I was at the party: “Hey,blood, what’s happenin’? [mimes one half of a complexhandshake for two brothers] Everything is cool. Whitedude gave me some stuff I’m gonna be trippin’! Youknow, I ain’t goin’ no place without my luggage.Believe that. [runs his lips over his teeth, somethingfeels funny, he puts his left hand up to his face,then starts waving it back and forth, his eyes rivetedto his hand, then he starts waving both hands aroundin the air watching them intently] Look at this, man!I can catch my hand! [eyes bug out, mouth opens wide,a high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [suddenlythe squeal becomes low-pitched and Pryor starts moving– and talking — in slow motion] Uh oh. I’ve got toget out of here! [running in very slow motion acrosshome base, another high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaa![suddenly stops, clutches his chest, in a normal butpanicked voice] I don’t remember how to breathe! Ican’t breathe! [opens mouth, bobs head] One, two,three. Ain’t nothin’ happenin’, man!” [nerdy whitedude’s voice] “Told ya it was far out!”
[tripping again] “I’m gonna die! I don’t even know whoI am, I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’mgonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonnadie! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! [keeps repeating”I’m gonna die!” over and over in an increasinglyfunky rhythm and then starts dancing goofily to thebeat – it begins to sound like an auctioneer’s chant -abruptly, he stops and raises an arm triumphantlywhile speaking gibberish that sounds vaguely like anAfrican tribesman – this segues into a briefpseudo-native American chant – finally, Pryor flapshis arms in slow motion as if about to fly away] What- in – the – world – is – happening – to – me?!” [Muchapplause. Pryor waves to the audience.]
[FADE IN on a panorama of a set which looks like a moonscape with erupting volcanoes and an orange sky. Black muppets are hiding in craters, a few of which are giving off steam, and tumbleweeds and other odd objects fly across the surface while funky, tuneless music plays.]
Don Pardo: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wastelands, from the rotting forests to the stagnant northlands, to the land of Gorch.
[FADE to Ploobis, a fat, green lizard with Viking horns, who is guzzling liquor out of a bottle. He slurps for a few seconds, then sets the bottle down.]
Ploobis: [drunkenly singing] Im retired, and Iwant to go to bed…
Peuta: [shrieking] PLOOBIS!!! PLOOBIS!!
[ENTER Peuta, his elderly wife, who has her blue hair rolled up in curlers.]
Ploobis: Uhhh… I just changed my mind on that.
Peuta: Come to bed!!
Ploobis: [slurring] Dont tell me what to do!
Peuta: Youre still drunk!
Ploobis: And youre still ugly. Were even.
[Peuta hummphs and walks away. Ploobis waves bye-bye to her.]
[FADE to Gil-Scott Heron at the microphone as the band starts up behind him and a sax player hits a few notes to his left.]
Gil-Scott Heron: Now a song for you about bright days and sunshine.
“It’s on a bright spring morning, There’s not a cloud in the sky, And it’s got me out here walking, And waving to the ladies as they stroll by.
And I ain’t forgot for a moment The other things I need to do, But when I see that old sun shinin’, I feel like I can make it too.
And yes, and all I really want to say, Is that the problems come and go, But the sunshine seems to stay.
And just look around, I think we found a lovely day.
[speaking] Bang. The flowers woke up blooming, And put on a color show just for me. [speaking] And I appreciate it. Bang.
The shadows dark and gloomy, I told them all to keep that away from me.
Because I don’t feel like believing Everything I do’s gonna turn out wrong, When the vibrations I’m receiving Say, “Hold on, brother, just you be strong.”
And yes, and all I really want to say, Is that my problems come and go, But the sunshine seems to stay.
Just look around, I think we found a lovely day.
And sometimes it rains, [speaking] And you, And I feel kind of strange, Because it seems like my problems begin Without the sunshine on which I depend.
And all that brings me feeling, Yeah, some say, Just look around,
[applause]
I think we found a lovely day. I think we found a lovely day.
[FADE IN on a military generals office. Dan Aykroyd, the general, is pushing pins into a map of Europe when a pair of boots is heard clomping into the room. Wearing a camouflage uniform, Richard Pryor walks in and stands at attention. He salutes Aykroyd smartly. Dan returns it.]
General: Evening, major. Team One is mighty glad you were selected for this mission.
Major: [softly] Thank you, sir.
General: You did a beautiful job of cleaning up Paraguay. Okay. While in the Ukraine, youll be using the following items:
[Dan picks up a device which looks like a grapnel hook attached to a toaster.]
General: This is a laser-guided electronic gaphook. This will help–this will help you get over the fuel dump selector fence perimeter. Its a beautiful software item.
[picks up an object which looks somewhat like a dagger]
General: This is the digispan target fighter. Team Lab Ones newest piece of personnel elimination equipment. Youll love it.
[points to items on desk]
General: And, uh, take that, and take that pill.
[Obediently, Pryor picks up the pill and swallows it. He chases it with a sip of water.]
General: Okay, now… the chopper will drop you here, in Quadrant B, and, uh…
[points to Pryor with pen]
General: That pill, by the way, is an L-Pill. Kills within 20 seconds of time of consumption. Poison lab came up with it. Take it if they try to capture you.
[Pryor stares at the map in disbelief while audience roars with laughter.]
General: [turns to map] Okay. This is what well be doing. Well be dropping here in Sectors 5, 7, and 8…
[Pryor slumps slowly to the floor. Totally oblivious, Dan keeps talking and pointing to the map.]
General: Sectors 5, 7, and 8, well be cross-breeding in here.
[Pryor lies motionless next to the desk.]
General: Major? You listening? This is a life-or-death matter here, now listen. What were going to do here… this is vital, Major, please pay attention.
[FADE IN on a blue Pong video screen. The player on the left is leading the one on the right, 5-0. The players are heard talking off camera.]
Tom Davis: Yeah, I heard you guys lost to the University of Toronto last night. What was it, 11 to 2?
Al Franken: Yeah, they had this one guy named Bouchard, who was just amazing. He looked like he played pro hockey or something. Boy, he had a great night.
Tom Davis: Sounds like, uh…
[The player on the right misses a shot, making the score 6-0.]
Tom Davis: Sounds like you had it pretty rough last night.
Al Franken: Well, yeah, but I, I scored a goal.
Tom Davis: YOU scored a GOAL? But youre the goalie, right?
[The right-hand player misses again to make the score 7-0.]
Al Franken: Yeah, Im the goalie. Yeah. What happened was, this Bouchard had an incredible slapshot, and he, uh, he hit one real hard, I didnt see it, it hit me right in the cup, you know?
Tom Davis: Wow.
Al Franken: Yeah. Bounced to center ice, and all the way down to the other end, and it skipped past their goalie.
Tom Davis: No kidding!
[The player misses another shot; the score is now 8-0.]
Tom Davis: Boy, I wish I had seen that. Hey, your mouth looks pretty bad, does that still hurt? Franken: A little. Uh, they said the stitches will be out next week, but–
Tom Davis: How did that happen? I heard you got hit with a stick, or something?
Al Franken: Naw, you see this, uh… you know, we didnt have a chance with this Bouchard guy dancing around, you know. So, uh, he came swooshing by my net after he scored his eighth goal, you know? So I just, uh, tapped him a little bit on the head with my stick…
Tom Davis: Right.
Al Franken: Boy, the next thing you know, this Bouchard guys got his gloves on the ice, and hes punching me in the mouth as hard as he can–
[Again, the right-hand Pong player misses for a score of 9-0.]
Tom Davis: Wow!
Al Franken: And get this: the ref throws ME out of the game instead of Bouchard.
[The right-hand player misses an easy shot to make it a 10-0 game.]
Tom Davis: No kidding!
Al Franken: Yeah, he was making bad calls like that all night.
Tom Davis: Wow.
[The player on the right misses still another shot, effectively ending the game at 11-0. The ball and the players suddenly disappear.]
Al Franken: Hey, theres something wrong with my side of the, uh, machine, here…
Tom Davis: Well, lets play another game, and well switch sides.
Announcer: Now, another edition of “Samurai Hotel”.
[ open on Samurai placing hotel visitors’ mail in various room slots, grunting as he pushes each piece in ]
[ Traveler enters ]
Traveler: Excuse me? Excuse me. I’d like a room for the night, please? [ Samurai grunts ] Actually, I’ll probably be staying through to Tuesday. [ Samurai withdraws sword, accidentally knicking his shoulder ] Do you have a king-size bed? One with a king-size bed. [ Samurai extends sword ] I guess, uh.. perhaps, get a room with, uh.. You know what I’d like? A room overlooking the park. Are the rates high for that? [ Samurai yells, motions sword ] Do you have room service? [ Samurai grunts ] Room service. [ Samurai extends sword ] Uh.. what’s your check-out time? [ Samurai makes series of motions with sword across the front desk, as Traveler fills out the log ] Could you get a bellboy to get my bags, please? Carry my bags up?
[ Bellboy approaches front desk, as he and Samurai yell at one another ]
Traveler: Fellas? Which one of you is gonna carry my bags upstairs?
[ Samurai and Bellboy both extend swords, then run toward one another several times, as Traveler waits. Demonstrating his prowess, Samurai uses sword to slice a hanging ornament down from the ceiling. ]
Samurai: Your momma-san!
Bellboy: [ angry ] My Momma-san?!! [ raises sword and slices front desk in half ]
Samurai: [ in the only English he’ll ever speak ] Well, I can dig where you’re comin’ from.. I’ll take these bags up to the room.. [ picks up Traveler’s bags and carries them upstairs ]
[ZOOM in on Shelley. She is at center stage with long, straw-colored hair, an olive green leisure suit, dark slacks, and very long fingernails.]
Shelley Pryor: You know, this being the season to be jolly and everything, Ive written a little story to help you get your jollies… [grins] …and its about my most favorite place in the world, the carousel in Central Park.
[Calliope music starts playing] You see, once upon a time, There was the most beautiful white carousel, With two horses in love. Now heres their story I tell.
Now, the boys name was Ching, And the girls name was Jing, And their was abounding, A most wonderful thing.
Until one day… [play dum-de-dum-dum from Dragnet]
Well, you see, Ching was a carousel horse. Now, he was white out of one dozen. But he couldnt go up and down, [makes up-and-down motion] Like his uncles or his cousins.
Well, this made Ching Very, very sad, Because going up and down Made children glad.
And every Sunday they would run to the park, And ride on the carousel Until way after dark. But they wouldnt ride Ching.
Now that, of course, was a very sad thing.
[piano music gets louder] Well, you see, Ching used to be able to Go up and down, Until one day this fat lady Rolled into town,
And when she heard the music, And she could tell that the music Came from the carousel, And carousels were her favorite thing.
So she ran to the park Where she saw little Ching, And she jumped on Ching– And broke his spring.
And that was the end of his up-and-down thing. [makes up-and-down motion]
[sad piano music] Well, then, then, the grown-up people came, And they took Ching off the carousel To this tunnel underground, And they stripped his white paint, And they colored him brown.
And they tied a little cowboys scarf around his neck, And they nailed a little metal box to his side, And he carried the sign that said, Ten cents a ride.
And they put him in front of a supermarket On the other side of town, And now he just rocks back and forth. [makes up-and-down motion] He couldnt go up and down. [grins]
But you know what? Jing-a-ling, she still loved him very, very much, Even though her friends would all fiddle.
[in nasal, nagging voice] Now, listen: You CANT love a horse like him. I mean, he doesnt have a spring. Now, think about your kids: Theyll be stuck in the middle.
Well, come on, I mean, stuck in the middle Because he doesnt have a spring? Now why should true friends Be worried about such a thing? [grins]
Or, was it that he lived On the other side of town, And that she was white, And he was brown?
Well, you know, its really very funny That even to this day, Some carousel horses, And ponies that rock,
And you know, some people too Are still in shock?
I mean, it really is a shame, That no one ever understood, That underneath their paint, They were all made of wood.
But I, uh, I guess thats a horse of another color, huh?
[Shelley grins mischievously and bows as the audience applauds.]
[The BLACK PERSPECTIVE logo appears on screen for several seconds, then FADE to Garrett Morris in his hosts chair.]
Garrett Morris: Good evening, this is Garrett Morris, and welcome to Black Perspective. My guest this evening is a distinguished authoress who has written such scathing novels as Sharecropper 75 and Charcoal City. She was a script consultant on the film Sounder, and has given many of us a most enriching insight into the urban black experience. Miss Jane Curtin.
[CUT to Jane sitting in the next chair and smiling.]
Garrett Morris: Welcome, soul sister Curtin. I have never met you, but Im a big fan of your work.
Jane Curtin: Thank you very much. Im happy to be here tonight.
Garrett Morris: Uh, Jane, if I may call you that, uh, your writing suggests a lineage, a background steeped in the traditions of the sharecroppers of the 30s who ultimately migrated to the large cities. Uh, where were you raised as a little girl?
Jane Curtin: Well, as a matter of fact, Garrett, I was raised in New York, New York City, to be exact.
Garrett Morris: Ah, I suppose, then, that, uh, growing up in Harlem gave you this animal alertness, this, uh, this street sense that seems to permeate the core of your work.
Jane Curtin: Not exactly, Garrett. I grew up in midtown Manhattan, not far from the studio here, Madiston–Madison and 63rd. But I do feel that the conscience of my writing has been strongly influenced by the plight of my brothers and sisters in the ghetto areas you speak of. The most important relationship to this, I think, is that, uh, if you are one of us, you can speak and feel for all of us, no matter where you come from.
Garrett Morris: Right on. Um, Jane, uh, Im sure that you and I agree on this, but for the sake of our viewers, Im going to ask you anyway. Which do you prefer: black, Afro-American, Negro…
Jane Curtin: [hold up palms] I prefer simply, jungle bunny.
[Jane and Garrett both laugh heartily.]
Jane Curtin: Uh, black is fine, Garrett, black is fine.
Garrett Morris: [laughing] Any, uh, suggestions for young black writers?
Jane Curtin: [intensely] Write what you know.
Garrett Morris: Mm-hm.
Jane Curtin: Write what you feel. Write the truth.
Garrett Morris: Uh, I am holding here, Im holding here a copy of your newest book, Shadows. And there is no denying that, in person, you look nothing at all like your picture.
[Garrett turns the book around to show a black woman on the back cover.]
Garrett Morris: I, I, Im sure that you must hear this a lot.
Jane Curtin: Yes, I do, quite frequently. But I must be honest: I dont photograph well at all. [laughs]
Garrett Morris: Well, thank you, Jane Curtin, for being with us here on Black Perspective. [to camera] Be with us next week, when our guest will be Andre Prevet.
[FADE to BLACK PERSPECTIVE logo and theme music.]
[FADE IN on a blue background over which the following captions appear: THE THREE OF US in the center, MEDICAL SEASON on the left, and BLACK VET on the right. A fast-paced, horn-laced theme song plays, typical of 1970s TV network promotion jingles. A chorus of male and female voices sings along.]
Singers: Weve got a super season on NBC! Super season! Youre gonna like it a lot!
[Like blocks, still photos of scenes from each show stack up in a grid.]
Announcer: Even a super season has super failures! Thats why, at NBC, weve got super replacements!
[The screen slowly fills up with photos.]
Announcer: Here are just a few of the new shows waiting in the wings!
[CUT to exterior of a hospital while dramatic horns pulsate in the background. The caption Medical Season appears in the upper left-hand corner as three people walk down the sidewalk in front of the building.]
Announcer: Medical Season!
[CUT to hospital orderlies wheeling a gurney down a hallway, then CUT to an ambulance pulling up toward emergency room doors.]
Announcer: Real stories! Real people! Real action! And reality was never like this!
[CUT to an older gentleman in a suit with combed-back gray hair and dark-rimmed glasses. He sits behind a desk and speaks to a young woman with her hair piled up in a bun.]
Senior Doctor: [in heavy accent] At best, Id say you have a year to live.
Woman: [unemotionally] I know. I overheard you tell Dr. Franklin.
Senior Doctor: [outraged] You already knew, and you made me go through the agony of telling you this? You are an inconsiderate and thoughtless woman.
[CUT to Dr. Franklin, a young, Chad-Everett type in a gray suit walking out of the hospital with a red-haired, bearded man, wearing a black 70s leisure suit and smoking a cigarette.]
Roberts: If shes in pain, then dammit, DONT keep her alive.
Dr. Franklin: [stolidly] Shes not in pain. Your wife will be fine until she dies.
Roberts: [angrily] She should not be allowed to LIVE if shes going to die like this!
Dr. Franklin: Well, youre gonna die, Mr. Roberts. Youre allowed to live.
Roberts: [pulls on cigarette] Im not going to die within a year, doctor!
Dr. Franklin: How do you know?
[The young doctor stops and faces Roberts.]
Dr. Franklin: You could be hit by a car driving home today! Roberts: Im not GOING home today.
[Roberts stalks off as Dr. Franklin glares angrily after him. CUT to the senior doctor from the first scene accompanied by Dr. Franklin. A nurse is pushing a gurney with a young long-haired man on it down a hallway.]
Dr. Franklin: But its unneccessary! This man does not need surgery!
Senior Doctor: [accented] Hes already paid for it, and weve already spent the money.
[CUT to the same two doctors outside. The older doctor sits behind the wheel of a red sports convertible while Dr. Franklin leans on the door and stares angrily in his face.]
Dr. Franklin: Youre the man in charge! If you go on vacation during this crisis, youll lose the respect of every doctor who works for you!
Senior Doctor: I have weighed this decision most carefully. Ill see you in a week.
[He waves bye-bye and pulls away in the car. CUT to a middle-aged man in a turtleneck leaning over a long-haired woman in a chair and talking intensely to her.]
Man: Youre not really in love with me. You just THINK you are. It happens all the time, Leslie. Patients think theyre in love with their doctors, but they never really are.
[CUT to a dramatic closeup of the man as he turns his head and snarls bitterly.]
Man: They SUCK the doctors into believing them. The doctors do… and then the doctors get DUMPED!!
[CUT to a long-haired blonde nurse, sitting behind a long, high desk and talking on the telephone. Blocks on the wall above her spell out the word REHAB.]
Nurse: [in a tired voice] I am a registered nurse… NOT a registered prostitute.
[CUT to an ambulance van pulling up to the emergency room with sirens blaring and strobes flashing.]
Announcer: Medical Season! 9 out of 10 doctors agree: if this show gets on the air, watch out! It just might be habit-forming!
[The ambulance stops at the emergency room doors. A man gets out of the passenger front seat, walks around the front of the van, and opens the drivers door. He helps the driver out and gingerly leads him inside.]
[CUT to a shot of a tall, long building with CENTURY CITY in the left corner. Cooler horn music plays, overlaid with a bit of 70s slide guitar. CUT to shots of Judys, MAGNIN, and other store signs. CUT to a man and two women walking arm-in-arm down a city sidewalk. Albert Brooks is the husband, and the woman on the left bears a striking resemblance to Susan Dey.]
Announcer: The Three of Us!
[SUPERIMPOSE title in the middle of the screen.]
Announcer: The wildest new comedy youve ever seen!
[FLASH shots of a store window, a BIJOU movie marquee, and then a sign which says VIBRATIONS, then CUT to the three on the sidewalk. The married couple wanders over to a storefront window, while the other woman watches from a short distance.]
Announcer: On the right are Bob and Cathy. Theyre married. On the left is Susan, Cathys best friend. They all live together in fashionable West Los Angeles. This makes for a whole lot of fun–besides making Bob very excited!
[CUT to Bob and Cathy sitting on a couch while Susan sits on the floor near an intable.]
Bob: Well, I think we ought to do something exotic.
[laugh track]
Cathy: [sets book on her chest] What did you have in mind, darling?
Bob: [suggestively] Well, I dont know… maybe, uh, you know, what they talk about in the magazines.
[CUT to Susan looking dubiously at Bob.]
Susan: The only magazines we got around here is TV Guide.
[Run laugh track while Bob looks defeated and Cathy smirks. CUT back to Susan.]
Susan: Hey, why dont we join a record club?
[She flashes a smug smile over the laugh track. CUT to Bob and Cathy in bed. Bob is leaning on his pillow and talking to his wife.]
Bob: Come on, lets ask her in here.
Cathy: I dont WANT to ask her in here. I went to college with her.
[laugh track]
Bob: So you went to college with her! Youre both smart–shell find her way in here in a second!
[Run laugh track while Cathy glares at him and then turns her head away. CUT to Bob cracking an egg into a bowl in an upscale kitchen.]
Bob: [peeved] Why cant she have two eggs like the rest of us?
[laugh track]
Bob: [tosses eggshell away] Why do I have to make an odd number of eggs every morning?
[laugh track]
Bob: Why do I even HAVE to make eggs every morning?
[laugh track]
Bob: Why am I doing the cooking? What is my PLACE here?
[Laugh track runs while Bob disgustedly tosses another eggshell away. CUT to the three of them at the breakfast table.]
Susan: [to Cathy] Oh, listen, before I forget, if its okay, can I borrow your overnight bag?
Cathy: Sure, its upstairs.
[CUT to Bob chewing with his mouth open and smirking at Susan.]
Bob: Overnight bag, huh? Where are you goin?
[CUT to Susan and then Cathy looking coldly at Bob.]
Cathy: Why do you care?
Bob: What do you mean, why do I care? Im a human being. I have feelings. Im also VERY good in bed.
[laugh track]
Bob: [pleadingly] Please, Susan. Please, you two. Pleeeease.
[grabs jelly jar and unscrews the top]
Bob: Look, jam.
[The women ignore him and his open jam jar while canned laughter and applause play. CUT to the sidewalk in the first scene. Cathy and Susan are running down the sidewalk as Bob chases after them.]
Announcer: Everyones fantasy now becomes a situation comedy! The Three of Us! Its in the can and waiting!
[Still chasing the women, Bob holds out his arms pleadingly, then trips on his own feet and almost falls to the ground.]
[CUT to a man and two children taking a pet cage out of the bed of a pickup truck which sits parked on a dirt road near a grove of trees on a hot summer day. Snarling guitar music plays in the background.]
Announcer: [dramatically] Black Vet.
[SUPERIMPOSE the title in black letters.]
Announcer: A young black veteran from the Vietnam War returns, and takes up practice as a veterinarian in a small southern town.
[The man and two children carefully carry the cage down a front walk. A sign next to it reads, Dr. M. Bowman, Veterinarian.]
Announcer: He and his family find acceptance difficult.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman inside his office and talking to an older white man in a blue jeans jacket and a cowboy hat. A dog sits between them.]
Man: [drawling] Now, hes gonna have to be operated on. [pauses] Quite frankly, Duke doesnt want you to do it.
Dr. Bowman: [with an attitude] You mean, Im gonna have to board this dog while youre out of town, but Im not gonna have to operate? Is that what youre saying to me?
Man: Well, I dont have anything to do with it. [points to dog] Its his choice.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman grabbing a young white guy by the front of his shirt and knocking him softly against the wall.]
Dr. Bowman: [slowly] Im not the kind of vet that believes in drowning cats.
[Cat meows in background]
Dr. Bowman: Except the kind that go after my wife.
[CUT to a young black woman talking to the vet in front of a row of pet cages.]
Dr. Bowman: I just take care of her cow, do you understand? Thats all!
Woman: She doesnt HAVE a cow, Dr. Bowman!
Dr. Bowman: [confused] Maybe were talking about somebody else. Who do YOU mean?
[CUT to Dr. Bowman in his white smock and holding up a birdcage.]
Dr. Bowman: Malpractice?!
Mans Voice: [growling off camera] Thats right!
Dr. Bowman: Hey, give me a break, man, were talkin about parakeets!
[CUT to Dr. Bowman kneeling in front of his son and scoldingly pointing in his face.]
Dr. Bowman: [shouting] STAY away from the sheep!! You got it?!
[The boy nods obediently.]
Dr. Bowman: You just stay AWAY from em!!
[CUT to the vet and his wife sitting out on their porch at night.]
Mrs. Bowman: Last night, Martin, in your sleep, you told me that you loved me.
Dr. Bowman: [smiles sweetly] You know I meant it. What else did I say?
Mrs. Bowman: You said you didnt think Id ever race again, but you wouldnt have to shoot me.
[CUT to Dr. Bowman in front of a muzzled horse. He is holding onto the sides of the muzzle with both hands, while the horse keeps bobbing its head to try to get away.]
Dr. Bowman: Ah, ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa!!!
[CUT to Dr. Bowman peeling out in his pickup and leaving a cloud of dust behind him as the first theme music starts up again.]
Announcer: Black Vet! Hes coming your way just as fast as he can! Plus, theres more!
[CUT to a smoky nightclub. The audience is standing on its feet and cheering while an actor in mime makeup walks to the edge of the stage, bends down, and kisses a young woman in the front row.]
Announcer: Specials, the likes of which youve never seen! Specials, like Tuesday Night Nightclub! Every random Tuesday, NBC takes you to a world-famous cabaret, to present the finest in underground entertainment!
[While the mime keeps bowing to applause, the scene is washed off to the left third of the screen. On the right two-thirds, a young boy and girl are seen talking to each other in a living room.]
Announcer: And: a new production of Arthur Millers Death of a Salesman! Totally acted by children!
[CUT to a closeup of the girl, who wears a gray wig and sweater.]
Girl: Do you have your glasses?
Boy: [in oversized white suit] Yeah, I got my glasses.
Girl: And your sack ring?
Boy: And my sack ring. Goodbye, Im ready.
[The scene is washed into the middle third of the screen. On the far right is a detail from an oil painting of Revolutionary War soldiers.]
Announcer: Also, a series of Bicentennial programs: guaranteed to make you feel two hundred years old!
[The mime keeps taking bows on the left, the children keep acting in the center, and closeups of the war painting keep showing on the right.]
Announcer: And: comedian Albert Brooks breaks out of his late-night harness, gets a prime-time special, and finally gets a chance at making some BIG money!
[As the theme music winds to a close, the background singers start humming in the background.]
Announcer: Its all right here!
Singers: On NBC…
Announcer: And, God willing, youre gonna like it a lot!
Singers: Youre gonna like it a lot!
[The right two-thirds of the screen are squeezed out, and then FADE to black over applause after a brief shot of the mime taking bows onstage.]
[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in one portly gentleman and add SUPER: “Leonard Bernstein’s Caterer”]
