Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

CIA Records

Clerk…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Garrett Morris

[FADE IN on a shirt-and-tie clerk with a pencil behind his ear. He is sitting at a desk in an office which looks like a disaster area. Paper is piled all over filing cabinets, and drawers are wide open helter-skelter. The phone rings, and Dan reaches to answer it.]

Clerk: [in a bureaucratic voice] Hello, CIA, Department of Records, Scramble Line 6. [pauses, then sounds annoyed] Well, thank you! Why are WE always the last to know?

[He bangs down the phone and picks a framed photograph off his desk. Sighing heavily, he walks back to the corner of the office, where a photo of CIA Director William Colby is hanging.]

Clerk: Down with Colby… up with Bush.

[He replaces the William Colby photo with one of George H.W. Bush.]

Clerk: Way to go, Bill!

[The door opens, and Garrett Morris walks in and marches up to the clerk’s desk. He wears a denim jacket and jeans with a blue beret on his head.]

Garrett Morris: I was told that, as an American citizen, I got a right to know if the CIA’s got a file on me, and that by law, you’re supposed to show it to me!

Clerk: Wait just a minute, there. Can’t you preface your remarks with a simple “good morning”?

Garrett Morris: Good morning.

Clerk: Can I help you?

Garrett Morris: The law says that, uh, if you got a file on me, I’ve got a right to see it!

Clerk: Yes, you have the right to see it, but having the right to see it and actually seeing it are two different things. VERY different.

Garrett Morris: What you mean by that?

Clerk: [gestures around him] Well, look at this, man. Does this look like order to you? This isn’t order, this is absolute chaos! Everybody in Washington has been through this office! I’d like to know who was in here last night. I can’t find a thing. [ruffles papers] I can’t even find a paper clip in here! But that’s not your problem.

[grabs a pencil and starts writing on a form]

Clerk: [in an impatient tone] NAME?

Garrett Morris: I beg your pardon?

Clerk: I said: NAME?

Garrett Morris: Garrett Morris.

Clerk: [resigned] That’s unfortunate.

Garrett Morris: Uh, I never liked it that much myself.

Clerk: I have three thousand, six hundred and seventy-seven Garrett Morrises in this filing bank alone. [ruffles papers] I have Garrett Morrises here, here, here… [looks at blue paper] Here with the packing clearances! Have you ever changed your name to X?

Garrett Morris: [searching his memory] Uh, uh, I, I did change it to Garrett Borocca.

Clerk: Borocca. You were on the African kick for a while! You and thirty-two thousand, six hundred and eighty-eight other black Americans. Something else! Did you ever commit an illegal act, or something?

Garrett Morris: Oh, oh, yeah, uh, I, I ran guns.

Clerk: Oh, Mr. Morris, are you aware of how many people illegally transport firearms across state lines in this country each year?

Garrett Morris: Well, hold on, uh, wait a minute, I, I also, uh–

Clerk: MILLIONS!! Millions of them!! Millions! I have sheaves of files! Something outstanding! I can’t work with this!

Garrett Morris: Wait a minute, I also sold illegal narcotics, since 1968–

Clerk: I’ve got no time for jokes, Mr. Morris.

Garrett Morris: Well, in Oakland, man, I was, uh, minister of defense for a radical organization–

Clerk: Radical organizations! In a dimly lit vault down the hall here, I have six POUNDS of material on radical organizations. You’re just going to have to give me something MORE, Mr. Morris, if we’re going to find your file.

Garrett Morris: Uh, I, I actively, uh, advocated the overthrow of the American government, and…

Clerk: [waves file] You and 6.4 percent of the American populace. [slaps file down on desk]

Garrett Morris: Oh, waited, wait a minute. I also conspired to incite a riot. That’s right, I crossed state lines to incite a riot.

Clerk: [mockingly] “Conspired to incite a riot!” [waves hand in circular motion] Well, yippee! You’re going to have to do better than that!

Garrett Morris: Hey, man! Wait a minute! Hey! I bombed! That’s right, I bombed the Federal Reserve Bank!

Clerk: Not good enough. Anything else?

Garrett Morris: The big one! FIVE assassination attempts!

Clerk: [losing patience] Look, look, look, look. You’re being no help at all, here. You come in here, you want us to find a file on you, you come in here with this patsy-fied drivel of knowledge and expect us to WORK here? I can’t find anything in this office! I don’t know who’s been in here, these Congressional aides that are walking in here asking me for tape recorder batteries, I don’t even KNOW them! They don’t have security clearance! We–

[He stops cold and attempts to collect himself.]

Clerk: Give me some time on this. Perhaps a month, perhaps a year, I don’t know, I frankly don’t know. Fill out this card here, put your name and address on it, vital statistics. If something comes up–

[Garrett uses the clerk’s pencil to start filling out the card. The clerk grabs another pencil and yanks the first one out of his hand.]

Clerk: Not that one, this one here. That’s MINE.

[The clerk snatches back his pencil while Garrett quickly finishes the card.]

Clerk: [sighs] If something comes up, we’ll let you know. Don’t fill out the last two spaces, they don’t matter at all.

Garrett Morris: Okay, thanks.

Clerk: [in a tired voice] All right, then.

[Garrett rises and leaves the room.]

Clerk: [babbling on] These young-faced Congressional aides. Couldn’t be 25 years of age! The–

[The instant Garrett closes the door behind him, the clerk bites off his words and punches a button on his telephone. He speaks in a tight, authoritative voice.]

Clerk: Russ, I want a tap on 1-4-3 L Street, Apartment 8. Sally, come in here and get some prints off this pencil. We’re opening a new subject file on Morris: M, O, double R, I, S.

[dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on a long-haired blonde woman]

[SUPER: “Older Sister of Ex-Mouseketeer Cubby”]

[FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

The President of the United States

President Gerald R. Ford…..Chevy Chase

[ open on a stage area, decorated with a podium that reads “The Unofficial Seal – United States of America”, a pair of folding chairs, a standing American flag on a pole, and a table with a pitcher of water and a couple of glasses ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

[ “Hail to the Chief” plays, as a tuxedo-clad President Gerald R. Ford enters from stage right, bumping into the flag and spilling his papers onto the floor. Ford grabs his mangled pages and takes his place behind the podium. ]

[ SUPER: “This is not the President of the United States” ]

[ SUPER: “…But He Thinks He Is” ]

President Ford: My fellow Americans.. ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press.. and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. [ repeats his script ] First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the “Saturday Night” show with Harvey Cosell.

[ Ford chuckles, as he pours water into one of the glasses then proceeds to sip from the empty glass ]

President Ford: I do have — [ confused by the empty glass, he puts it down ] I do have two major announcements. [ awkward pause ] To make. Whoop! [ suddenly falls to the fall behind the podium ] Uh-oh! [ stands back on his feet ] No problem. No problem, no problem. Okay.

My first announcement is one I think you’ve all been waiting for. [ lowers his head and accidentally bangs it on the podium ] Whoop! No problem! Nope! Okay! No problem! Sorry, no problem.

[ Ford again reaches over to pour water into one of the glasses, then picks up the empty pitcher and sips from it instead. He is again confused by this action, and thus returns the pitcher to the table. ]

President Ford: [ yelling ] I know a fellow who is going to enter the New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Florida, and every other primary! And I know he is going to win! And if he has any other competition, right up to the end of 1976 – thank you! Hey. [ he again falls behind the podium ] Uh-oh! [ picks himself up again ] No problem! No problem! [ continues his speech ] And if I don’t win, I will continue to run in the primaries, even if there are none!

And now for my second announcement.

[ Ford crosses the stage, tripping over the two folding chairs and falling to the floor. He leans up and looks directly at the camera ]

President Ford: “Live, from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Goodnights

…..Candice Bergen

[ the cast surrounds Bergen at Home Base ]

Candice Bergen: Good night!

[ the cast all hold out individual roses for Bergen, surprising her ]

Candice Bergen: Oh!

[ Bergen laughs bashfully, as the cast smiles at her then crowd around her for hugs and kisses ]

Don Pardo V/O: The Muppets are: Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Fran Brill, Alice Tweedy, Richard Hunt and Jim Henson.

[ a mysterious man jumps on stage to join Bergan and the cast ]

Don Pardo V/O: The other segment conceived by Rob Reiner and Carl Gottlieb. The Hamlet piece conceived and written by William Shakespeare.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Jaws II

Woman #1…..Gilda Radner
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Matt Hooper…..John Belushi
Sheriff…..Dan Aykroyd
Woman #2…..Laraine Newman
Woman #3…..Jane Curtin
Woman #4…..Candice Bergen
Jehovah’s Witness…..Garrett Morris

[ Music: “Jaws Theme” ]

[ open on interior, apartment ]

[ doorbell sounds ]

Woman #1: [ moves to chain-locked door ] Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Ramilarghh??

Woman #1: Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber..

Woman #1: Plumber? I didn’t ask for a plumber. Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Telegram.

Woman #1: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment.

[ unlocks door, and opens it. The head of the shark appears, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the hallway as she screams. ]

[ SUPER: “Jaws II” ]

[ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Sheriff and Matt Hooper looking over a three-foot long metal tub covered with a white cloth ]

Matt Hooper: [ looks under cloth and winces ] Oh, my God!

Sheriff: What was it?

Matt Hooper: Land shark. The cleverest species of them all.

Sheriff:

[ dissolve to Woman #2 in her apartment ]

[ Music: “Jaws Theme ]

[ a knock at the door ]

Woman #2: [ appoaches the door ] Yes?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Arlsbergerhh??

Woman #2: Who?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Johnannesburrrr??

Woman #2: Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Flowers.

Woman #2: Flowers? From whom?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber, ma’am..

Woman #2: I don’t need a plumber. You’re that clever shark, aren’t you?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Candygram.

Woman #2: Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You’re the shark, and you know it.

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] I’m only a dolphin, ma’am..

Woman #2: A dolphin? Well.. okay..

[ she opens the door, as the shark pulls her screaming into the hallway ]

[ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Matt Hooper lifts up cloth napkin covering plate, then winces and looks away ]

Sheriff: What is it?

Matt Hooper: Egg salad again. [ removes sandwich from under napkin, and takes a bite ]

[ dissolve to Woman #3 in her apartment, Woman #2 putting on make-up to go out ]

[ door buzzes ]

Woman #3: Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Land Shark.

Woman #3: [ laughing ] Oh, Walter!

[ she opens door laughing, but is attacked and dragged into the hall by the Land Shark ]

[ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Sheriff on phone looking horrified into another rtub covered with cloth ]

Sheriff: [ on phone ] Hello, Walter. I have some good news, and I have some bad news. First, the good news. There’s a party tonight at my house. Now, the bad news: you’ll be coming stag. Goodbye, Walter..

[ dissolve to Woman #4 in apartment, listening to the radio ]

Radio: …considered the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white, which tends to inhabit the waters of harbors and recreational beach areas, the Land Shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of disguising its voice, and generally preys on young, single women. Experts at the University of Miami’s Oceanographic Institute suggest that the best way to scare off the shark in the event of an attack is to hit or punch the predator in the Nose. Now for the weather..

Woman #4: [ turns off radio, as the doorbell rings ] Who is it?

Muffled Voice: Sorry to disturb you, ma’am. I’m from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and thought you might be interested in a copy of our journal, “The Watchtower”.

Woman #4: [ grabs a mallet and inches towards the door ] Why, I’d be very interested..

Muffled Voice: Would you mind opening the door, ma’am?

Woman #4: Certainly.

[ she unlocks the door a crack, and reaches out with the mallet to strike the Land Shark’s head. Instead of the shark, a Jehovah’s Witness stumbles into the apartment and drops onto the floor in front of her. ]

[ SUPER: “The End?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Andy Kaufman

…..Candice Bergen
Foreign Man…..Andy Kaufman

[ZOOM IN on Candice Bergen standing at the left side of the stage.]

Candice Bergen: Boys and girls, this is a man that I love very much. The word “genius” comes to mind, but I will let you decide for yourselves. [gestures to stage] Andy Kaufman!

[Audience cheers and whistles as Andy walks onstage and stands next to a single conga drum. Andy wears a light gray suit several sizes too large for him and a white shirt underneath with no tie. He stands silent and motionless for about five seconds, and then he speaks haltingly in his Eastern European “Latka” accent.]

Foreign Man: It was three people. And they carried the biggest cannon in thee vorld to Spain. So, it was two boys and one girl. And they carrying the cannon, ehhh, to the highest mountain in Spain. So, the first boy, you know, they are on top of the mountain, and the first boy, he, point the cannon to this castle. [starts getting excited] And so, so, so, so so, he, so he, he say to the second boy, “All right, haand me the cannonbooll!” And so, so, so, so, so the second boy, he say, “Ehhhh, I thought YOU had them!” [gets really excited] So, so, then, listen, so, so, the, so listen, so, so the boy turn to the girl, and she say, “Don’t look at ME!” You know, because, eh, they could not shoot! They, uh, they had the cannon, but, they, they could not, they had no cannonball! They could not shoot! Do you understand? Tank you veddy much.

[Audience applauds as Foreign Man takes two stiff, deep bows from the waist, then pats his greased-down hair and rubs his nose.]

Foreign Man: Right now, I would like to do for you some imitations, so, first, I would like to imitate Archie Bunker. [in same voice] “You, stupid. You, you are so stupid. Everybody’s stupid. Ehh, get, get out of my chair, Meathead! Go, and the dingbat get into the kitchen, making the food! [waves arms] Eh, every, everybody’s stupid! [waves arms] I don’t like nobody! It’s so stupid!” Tank you veddy much.

[There is laughter and applause while he bows stiffly again.]

Foreign Man: Now, I would like to imitate, ehhh…

[He freezes dead in his tracks. Audience laughs while Foreign Man stands completely silent and looks lost for a good 30 seconds.]

Foreign Man: I don’t, eh, I forget… ehhh…

[He stays silent and clueless for 10 more seconds.]

Foreign Man: You vant to see me daance? All right.

[He stiffly stomps his feet up and down.]

Foreign Man: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la… I can, ehhh, sing… [in deeper voice] La, la, la, la, LA! La-la-la-la-la… [waves arms] Opera! [in falsetto] Laaaa, la-la laaaaaaaaa…

[He stops and giggles awkwardly in a desperate attempt to get laughter, then looks terrified again.]

Foreign Man: I… I don’t know nothing, eh… can… could… could we stop thee tape? Could we… I think… I think we should turn off the TV. I don’t know if, if you are laughing at me or weeth me. But, you know, eh, you know, I’m, trying to do my best, and, ehhh… I forgot what I was going to do, but, but… I promise that, eh, you know, is nothing I can do, but promise I vill not be here again.

[When the audience laughs, it appears to break his heart.]

Foreign Man: What is so funny about that, that? I don’t… I don’t know what to do…

[He breathes heavily, and appears on the verge of bursting into tears.]

Foreign Man: I tried to do my best, I tried to… he, he… I was trying to get you all to laugh, he, he…

[There is a rhythm slowly forming in his phrases.]

Foreign Man: Oh, yo, you’re laughing at me see, he, he…

[He keeps singing gibberish until it forms a clear rhythm, and then he starts beating the conga drum with one hand. He claps his hands for a few seconds while the audience claps along, and then beats the drum in perfect time. He sings a few more bars of gibberish, and then walks offstage, pumping his arms in time with a little piano accompaniment. The crowd cheers loudly as Kaufman walks back onstage and takes two stiff bows.]

[ZOOM in on woman in the audience, with SUPER: “Nobody Worth Mentioning”. FADE to black.]

Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

…..Candice Bergen
Bee…..John Belushi
…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Candice Bergen.

(Candice Bergen is standing next to a stool which she puts her hand on)

Candice Bergen: Thank you very much. I am very happy to be here tonight. I am also especially happy to be here as Saturday Night’s first woman host. (audience applauds) This may not make up for the ERA vote the other day, but at least it’s something.

(A bee sneaks in through a door in the background)

Candice Bergen: Uh – I just want to say that rehearsals have been very hectic..

(The bee runs up to her and sits on her hand, she doesn’t notice)

Candice Bergen: ..but very exciting. The whole crew here has made me feel very much —

(Chevy Chase walks up next to her)

Chevy Chase: Uh, Candice? Sorry to bother you – don’t move, there’s a bee on your hand.

(Candice looks at the bee, whose antennas bob up and down)

Candice Bergen: Um.. u,h I’m allergic to bees. Uh.. what should I do?

Chevy Chase: It’s ok, just go on. Ignore the bee, I’ll take care of it, you just go on.

Candice Bergen: Just go on with the show?

(Chevy walks around behind them and rolls up a script in his hand)

Candice Bergen: Um.. we have Esther Phillips with us tonight.

(Chevy raises the script to hit the bee)

Candice Bergen: Chevy, don’t – don’t hurt the bee.

Chevy Chase: Oh I won’t hurt the bee. No it’s just a script, I’m just going to shoo it away. Go on little bee! Go on! Go on! Shoo! Shoo!

(Chevy whacks the bee across the head with the script and he falls over, holding his head)

Candice Bergen: Oh! I told you not to hurt him! Now you killed him! Are you alright?

Chevy Chase: It’s alright, he’s just stunned.

(The bee stands up)

Candice Bergen: You ok there, little bee? You ok there, little fella?

Bee: (softly) Yeah.

Candice Bergen: Everything ok? You know, I asked him not to hurt you. I asked him. You heard me.

(The bee walks away)

Chevy Chase: He’s going away, he’s flying away, he’ll be fine.

Candice Bergen: Thank you Chevy, I appreciate it.

Chevy Chase: You’re welcome, no problem.

(Chevy walks away)

Candice Bergen: Ok, let’s see, Esther Phillips, Andy Kaufman, the Saturday Night regulars are here with us tonight. And we think it’s going to be —

(The bee buzzes up and lands on her sholder)

Candice Bergen: Um.. we think it’s going to be a very exciting show, and we’ll BE back after this filmed message.

Submitted by: Rebecca King

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Esther Phillips performs “What a Difference a Day Makes”

from the album: What A Diff’rence A Day Makes (1975)

…..Candice Bergen
…..Esther Phillips

[ Candice Bergen stands next to Esther Phillips ]

Candice Bergen: Ladies and gentlemen, this is someone I wanted very much to have on the show – Miss Esther Phillips.

[ audience applauds ]

Now, Esther – one of us is going to sing “What a Difference a Day Makes.” Since you know the words, probably you should do it.

Esther Phillips: No, I think you should.

[ the band begins to play, as Candice develops a look of horror on her face and ducks off the stage ]

Candice Bergen: Bye, Esther!

Esther Phillips:
“What a diff’rence a day made
twenty four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
where there used to be rain.

My yesterday was blue, dear
today I’m part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
since you said you were mine.

What a diff’rence a day makes
there’s a rainbow before me
Skies above can’t be stormy
since that moment of bliss;
That thrilling kiss.

It’s heaven when you
find romance on your menu.
What a diff’rence a day makes
and the diff’rence is you.

[ sax solo ]

“What a diff’rence a day made
twenty four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
where there used to be rain.

My yesterday was blue, dear
today I’m part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
since you said you were mine.

What a diff’rence a day makes
there’s a rainbow before me
Skies above can’t be stormy
since that moment of bliss;
That thrilling kiss.

It’s heaven when you
find romance on your menu.
What a diff’rence a day makes
and the diff’rence is you.

I said the diff’rence is you.
I said the diff’rence is you.
You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you
What a difference
I said the diff’rence is you.
What a difference a day makes
I said the diff’rence is you.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Esther Phillips performs “I Can Stand A Little Rain”

from the album: What A Diff’rence A Day Makes (1975)

…..Esther Phillips

[ fade in on a close-up of a guitar player ]

[ zoom out to reveal Esther Phillips poised in front of him, as she begins to sing ]

Esther Phillips:
“I can stand a little rain
I can stand a little rain
I can stand a little rain
I can stand a little rain.

But when the rain comes to the floorboards
I can stand a little rest.

I can stand a little sorrow
I can stand it until tomorrow
I can stand a little strife
Oh, it’s just another taste of life.

I can stand a little love
Said I can stand a little love
Oh, and when I’m on my last go-round
I can stand a little rest.

[ chimes ]Well, I made it, I made it before, yes!
And I’m gonna make it, yeah, oh my Lord!
I’m gonna make it some more, yeah.
Let me speak on it for a minute, yeah.And all I need is a wee bit of lovin’
And I’m gonna keep on truckin’
And I’m steppin’, I’m steppin’, I’m steppin’
I’m gonna make it some more, yeah.

Well, well, well, well
I said I made it before, yeah
And I’m gonna keep on makin’ it some more!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

No Film By:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

November 15th, 1975

Robert Klein

ABBA

Loudon Wainwright III

The Muppets

Albert Brooks

None

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Neil Levy

Anne Beatts

Alan Zweibel



Season 1: Order Now! Beauty PageantSummary: Southern Californian Sherry (Laraine Newman) has won the Miss America Beauty Pageant, but she refuses to accept her crown.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

MontageNote: Michael O’Donoghue is no longer credited as a Not Ready For Prime-Time Player, though he does appear in a non-speaking role during ABBA’s performance.

Robert Klein’s MonologueSummary: Robert Klein does stand-up about animal stereotyping.

Bio: Robert Klein (1942-). Comedian; one of the early members of both Chicago’s Second City troupe and the Improvisation club during the 1960’s; starred in the CBS summer replacement series “Comedy Tonight” in 1970; minor film credits include: “The Owl & The Pussycat” (1970).

Also Hosted: 77j.

ABBA performs “S.O.S.”Summary: ABBA perform aboard the Titanic as the ship’s Captain (Robert Klein) discovers a leak.

Bio: ABBA are the Swedish husband-and-wife teams of Benny Andersson & Anni-Frid “Frida” Lyngstad and Björn Ulvaeus & Agnetha Faltskog. Their group name is an acronym of the initials in their first names.

Lyrics

PongSummary: Al Franken & Tom Davis discuss their recent history midterm while playing Pong.

Transcript

Minute MysterySummary: Mexican detective Mike Mendoza (Dan Aykroyd) challenges viewers to solve a murder crime in under a minute.

Recurring Characters: Mike Mendoza.

Bee Centennial MinuteSummary: A bee (Garrett Morris) discusses his species’ brush with Washington 200 years ago.

Recurring Characters: Bee.

Transcript

Loudon Wainwright III performs “Bicentennial”Bio: Loudon Wainwright III (1947-). Humorous folk singer/songwriter; a descendant of colonial governor Peter Stuyvesant; son of Loudon S. Wainwright, Jr., who worked as a writer and editor for Life magazine; appeared recurringly as Capt. Calvin Spalding during the third season of “M*A*S*H”; he was once married to Kate McGarrigle, who often recorded his songs with her sister, Anna.

Lyrics

Greg Allman’s Love LifeSummary: Greg Allman (Chevy Chase) tries to avoid giving a straight answer to the question “How’s your love life?”

Transcript

Sam PeckinpahSummary: Sam Peckinpah (John Belushi) treats an actress (Gilda Radner) roughly while directing a romantic-comedy scene.

Note: John Belushi proposed this sketch for the previous week’s episode, whereby host Candice Bergan would have played Gilda Radner’s part.

Note: Uses the same set as “Minute Mystery”.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase makes faces at Frank Telinka (Dan Aykroyd) during his energy crisis warning.

Transcript

JamitolSummary: A husband (George Coe) uses the product to keep his wife (Jane Curtin) busy all day long.

Transcript

ExterminatorsSummary: An exterminator (John Belushi) and his associate (Robert Klein) enter a basement to kill the roaches. Horrified at the prospect of harming one of God’s creatures, the associate refers to the film, “The Eternal Crawl,” which traces the triumpant existence of roaches throughout human history.

FiremanSummary: Gilda Radner talks about how much she enjoys being a fireman, and offers some fire prevention tips.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Scred tries to cure Ploobis’ migraine headache.

Robert KleinSummary: Robert Klein does stand-up about college life.

Transcript

K-Put’s Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Transcript

Loudon Wainwright III performs “Unrequited to the Nth Degree”Lyrics

Looks At BooksSummary: Elderly author Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) usesan excessive amount of repetitive adjectives while describing her book, “Little Kingdom”, to Jane Curtin.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 11/08/75.

Robert Klein & The SNL Band perform “I Can’t Stop My Leg”Transcript

ABBA performs “Waterloo”Summary: The Titanic sinks as ABBA lip-synchs their performance onboard.

Lyrics

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Gregg Allman’s Love Life

Gregg Allman…..Chevy Chase
Voice…..Lorne Michaels

[FADE IN on Allman wearing a feminine-looking long blonde wig, light brown sunglasses, and an unbuttoned blue work shirt. He noodles on a piano while two musicians sit behind music stands in the background.]

Voice: Hey, hotshot rock star Gregg Allman: how’s your love life?

Gregg: [quits playing and grins] Hey, great! [in a spaced-out voice] I got a new album comin’ out, lots of bread, lots of groupies, great band, new keyboards, uh, it’s really great, really great.

Voice: I said, Gregg Allman: how’s your LOVE life?

Gregg: [after a silent pause] Uh, it’s very good, I, uh, I got new keyboards, uh, new album, a lot of bread comin’ in, uhhhhhhh… uh, groupies, groupies everywhere, uh, it’s comin’ in, ehhhhhhh–

Voice: Gregg Allman: how’s your LOVE life?

Gregg: [hits a random note on the piano] It’s pretty good, uhhhhhhh… new album comin’ out, lookin’ real good, hey, groupies all–I know, money comin’ in all the time, and, uh, it’s lookin’, it’s lookin’ pretty fine, you know–

Voice: Gregg Allman, I said: HOW’S your LOVE life?

Gregg: [looking uncomfortable] It’s not bad, uh, Cher and I, uh, we split up, but, uh, that one’s far out, uh, groupie chicks, no bread, and, um, uh… [voice catches] You know…

Voice: Gregg Allman: how’s your LOVE life?

Gregg: [looking lost] It’s, uh… toilet.

[His head drops straight down on his keyboard and hits several notes when it lands. HOLD on his motionless blonde wig for a long moment as audience applauds.]

Submitted by: Sean

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