[FADE IN on a large painting of Washington crossing the Delaware as a drum march plays in the background. SUPERIMPOSE, Bee Centennial Minute, then PAN over to Garrett Morris dressed as a Bee with what looks like a white ascot tied in a bow around his neck and a Revolutionary War soldiers cap on his head.]
Bee: Hello. [over fife music] Two… two hundred years ago today, a bee named Henry left his hive early in the morning, flew a good two or three miles, looking for a nice quiet clearing somewhere, became totally disoriented, and ultimately lost. In his confusion, he found himself flying through the actual tent of General George Washington on the battlefield. Exhausted, the bee searched for a place to rest his weary wings and get his bearings. Before long, he alighted on the wooden butt of a musket which was left lying lengthwise on a makeshift cot in the back of the tent. A battle-fatigued soldier, one of General Washingtons personal guards, entered the tent seconds later and, seeing that the general was away for a moment, threw himself down on the cot for a brief nap. Not having noticed the musket, he badly bruised his hip on the firing mechanism and crushed the bee. And thats the way it was 200 years ago today.
[FADE to a slide of red and white curved stripes with the caption, Bee Centennial Minute and an outline of the Liberty Bell. FADE to black over applause.]
[ open on Gilda Radner standing on the stage, dressed in fireman garb and holding tight to an oversized axe. Zoom in slowly as she speaks. ]
Gilda Radner: I’m a fireman. And I think being a fireman.. is the most noble and unselfish job in the world. You’re always in danger, and you’re always taking a risk. But you get a dog, and you get to play a lot of board games.. kids love ya’, and you get to see people in their underwear if their houses burn down at night.
On the job, all the guys call me Gil. Firemen have to have short names, like Gil or Greg, Skip or Zeke. You can’t have long names. Montgomery’s a bad name for a fireman. “Hey, Montgomery – get me that hose!” No good. It takes too long, and a person could die.
I love being a fireman. Especially because of the cameraderie all the guys have. Everyone’s always friendly and nice.. because we know we might be the last people we ever see.
Now, here’s some tips on fire prevention. Don’t overload your plug. Don’t light matches for fun. And when you’re cooking over an open stove, don’t wear a Japanese bathrobe. The sleeves hang down, they could catch fire. Don’t leave oily rags lying around in your living room, and don’t kick over an oil lamp in the barn. And be very careful with old people’s birthday cakes. Maybe it’d be better if you just sent them a card. And don’t forget – never smoke in a subway or an elevator. I’m not sure why, but it’s against the law, so don’t do it.
I’m glad I’m a fireman. And I’ve written a ltitle poem about it. [ pulls a notebook out of her boot ] I got it here:
“The fireman’s job is a job worh keeping We’re all up, while you’re all sleeping. Sound the alarm and we’re on our toes Sliding down poles and alerting our nose. The noblest of jobs, to sniff out fires And waterproof coats that make you perspire Yes, we’ve got outfits, gloves and hats Boots, dalmations, checkers and chats. Yeah, we’re the guys that save your lives And we don’t use guns, or clubs, or knives – and bats.”
And, remember – if you’re playing Bingo, sit near an exit.
[ dissolve onto Robert Klein, standing alone on the tage wearing a purple bathrobe ]
Robert Klein: Ahh. We had a wonderful time. I love this bathrobe they got me, they apparently picked it up from the state institution. It’s owned by an old guy who went like this. I want to thank everyone. Our guests: ABBA, Loudon Wainwright, the cast, and everyone. Have a good week, and thank you.
[ Klein opens his bathrobe to expose his clothes underneath, as the house band pots up and the credits begin to scroll ]
Don Pardo V/O: The Muppets are: Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Fran Brill, Alice Tweedy, Richard Hunt and Jim Henson. The Pong players were Franken & Davis. Join us next week. This is Don Pardo saying – often saying – funnier than this. Good night.
[FADE IN on a woman standing in a grocery store aisle with her cart. She pulls a can of corn from the shelf, looks at the price tag on top in dismay, and then puts the can back.]
Announcer: Inflationary prices getting you down? Then get down on inflationary prices with the new Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun from K-Put!
[Just after she holds out her hands in resignation, a yellow Stamp Gun with a long roll of paper magically appears in her right hand. Sprightly, happy strings start playing in the background, like an old promotional film. She looks down at the Stamp Gun with wonder.]
Announcer: Simply snap in a K-Put price tag roll, adjust the fingertip control price dial, aim your Price-Is-Rite stamp gun over the regular marking, pull the trigger, and presto! Look at this! A whole watermelon for only 3 cents!
[The woman is seen setting up the Stamp Gun, then aiming it at a watermelon. CUT to an old-fashioned cash register ringing up $000.03. CUT to the woman cradling her bargain watermelon and smiling slyly.]
Announcer: A 12-pound turkey for just 4 cents!
[The woman aims the stamp gun at an unwrapped frozen turkey, and the register rings up $000.04. The woman cradles her turkey and smiles in exactly the same way, then CUT to her grabbing cans and tossing them into her cart, as if on a free shopping spree.]
Announcer: Save thousands of dollars! Feed your entire family for just pennies a day! Shop for your friends–its fun and easy!
[FADE to the lady standing in the checkout lane getting two coins in change from a cashier. The cashier then yanks a three-foot-long receipt out of the register and drops it in her hand.]
Announcer: One trip to the store, and your K-Put Stamp Gun will pay for itself!
[CUT to the happy shopper displaying the Stamp Gun in one hand and two coins in the other. She smiles and winks at the camera.]
Announcer: Buy everything youve ever wanted! Theres no better way to stretch your shopping dollars!
[CUT to graphic of the Stamp Gun with the price flashing next to it.]
Announcer: K-Puts Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun. A steal at only $49.95 while they last. Thats $49.95…
[CUT to a slide of the mailing address.]
Announcer: To K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun, Department 8, Shopping Mall, New Jersey. Void where prohibited by law.
[ open on Husband and Wife standing side-by-side, the exhausted Wife’s weight obviously being supported by her overzealous Husband as he speaks ]
Husband: My wife’s really something else. She got up early, cooked a great breakfast, took the kids to school, came home, made another great breakfast for me, vacuumed the house all morning, fixed the storm doors and changed the master cylinder on the Firebird, shopped for food, picked the kids up, cooked agreat dinner, and even had time for a PTA meeting, my great alcohol rubdown, and a nightcap. And look at her – she looks better than any of her friends.
Wife: I’m cleaning my oven —
Husband: And look at her – she looks better than any of her friends.
Wife: Well, I take care of myself.. get —
Husband: Gets plenty of rest, does her sit-ups, and, to make sure she gets enough iron and vitamins, she takes Jamitol every day. Makes me take it, too.
[ Wife slowly slides out from under husband’s arms, and drops to the floor ]
[ dissolve to product card: bottle of Jamitol liquid, capsule of Jamitol tablets, and a spoon ]
Announcer: Jamitol. More than twice the iron and high potency vitamins founs in other supplements – tablet or liquid.
[FADE IN on Klein standing at center stage while audience applauds, then ZOOM in on him.]
Robert Klein: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, you know… A lot of my time I spent touring the country and playing a lot of colleges. Probably the most unusual school I played was the Air Force Academy, mostly because they all wore the same thing, which is a mind-blower from the stage, looking out at thirty-six hundred of them, it looks like a moving Brillo pad. I mean, theyre very together, easy to time the show, a very good audience, the Air Force Academy. [stands at attention] PREPARE TO LAUGH! WHOOOOOOOOP! [tucks right hand behind his back] LAUGH! HO, HO! Sort of easy… PREPARE FOR MR. KLEINS NEXT JOKE! SET UP PUNCHLINE, SMALL CHUCKLE!! Haaaaaaa, haaaaaaaa. You know, its sort of easy, to, uh, get…
[Laughter]
Robert Klein: Well, I went to a small school in western New York, called Alfred University, and, uh, I went there because of the brochure more than anything else. It was a beauty, you know, really, healthy-looking people walking on the campus with books, you know… [grins broadly and stares upward while pretending to hold an open book] In brochures, people always look up at the future, like this. Theyre always happy, there are never pictures in the brochure like… [hushed] Im gonna flunk out of this place! I lost 200 dollars in a card game! Im pregnant! You never see those pictures, just these…
[Klein reaches down toward a glass with a straw in it which sits on a bar stool to his right.]
Robert Klein: Can I get a drink here? Im so thirsty, its been such a long night…
[He grasps the straw and slurps a light brown drink through it.]
Robert Klein: Wanna see science?
[He covers the top of the straw with one finger, lifts out the straw, and lets the trapped liquid dribble onto the floor.]
Robert Klein: I love science, and, uh… it was my favorite subject and, uh… [takes another drink] In school, I took abnormal psychology. Ever take that? Beautiful course. No more theoretical stuff: there they are in front of you, sick PEOPLE! A 500-page textbook with 600 pictures, all BEAUTIES! You know, of course we were serious about it, we didnt–look at the freak on page 238! [sticks out his right hand and makes a deranged face] We had a little… One thing that stays in my mind about the abnormal psychology course, it was a man in the trauma section, tremendous, he was hurt in a railroad accident–perhaps you remember this–in nineteen five, a steel spike four feet long exploded, went up in the air, came down, went through the top of his head–this is true–went through his brain, came out the bottom here, [points to chin] and lodged, and he had to live the rest of his life with that thing in there, and they followed his life very closely, and compiled thousands of pages of scientific data, and found out extraordinary things. For example, he was much more irritable…
[Laughter]
Robert Klein: Loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping. I love science. Is that an understatement? Its not all GOOD science. You know, they did some experiments with marijuana at Tulane University, and its important that they find out what marijuana is, because a lot of people deal with it, and dont really know, and Im not… I dont know what it does or DOESNT do! [jerks his hand upward as if hes being shocked] I have no idea. Im not about to TELL you! [jerks hand again] I dont know. But they took, uh, about 40 rhesus monkeys, listen to this experiment… about 40 rhesus monkeys, and they put this steel confining apparatus on them, they couldnt move their arms and legs, put electrodes in their brain, make em comfortable right out of the JUNGLE, to this, right? And these monkeys–they weigh about 18 pounds each–these monkeys had to smoke their body weight in marijuana every day for four months. [brief laughter and clapping] Which is the equivalent to drinking a bottle of Clorox. Well, they found out some incredible things. They were much more irritable… loss of app–science marches on!
[He marches in place and hums marching band music.]
Robert Klein: Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah…
[Cheers and applause]
Robert Klein: [to camera] AND well be right back after this filmed message! Please stay with us.
Robert Klein & The SNL Band perform “I Can’t Stop My Leg” Written by: Robert Klein, Howard Shore, Paul Shaffer
…..Robert Klein
[ open on Robert Klein standing on stage before the SNL Band. He’s dressed in jeans, with a red bandana tied around his head. ]
Robert Klein: Give me some blues!
[ the SNL Band plays some blue sounds behind Klein, as he repeatedly raises and stomps his right leg to the beat. He raises a harmonica and maintains a rhythm with the band before singing the solo. ]
Robert Klein: [ singing ] “I can’t stop my leg! I can’t stop my leg, babe! I can’t stop my leg! I can’t stop my leg, pretty babe.”
[ harmonica ]
“Can you stop my leg?”
[ the band strikes a beat, as Klein stills his leg on the stage ]
“My leg stopped! Woo-hoo, thank the Lord. I want to thank the Lord for stoppin’ my leg. Woo-hoo, yeah!”
[ his leg begin stomping again, as the band accompanies the beat ]
“There it goes again! There, there it goes again! There, there, there it goes There it goes again..!”
[ SUPER: “Invisible Japanese Teen-age Albino Bedwetters In Mail-Order Underwear” ]
[ open on interior, dining hall of the Titanic, Captain’s Table ]
Captain: [ chuckling as he addresses his guests ] May I recommend the, um, Oysters Titanic, and a very marvelous salad made of iceberg lettuce?
[ opening notes of “S.O.S.” begin to play ]
Captain: Oh, the entertainment is beginning. A very wonderful vocal group from Sweden, called ABBA. You’ll love them.
[ dissolve to the adjacent part of the stage, where the members of ABBA are playing ]
ABBA: “Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood It used to be so nice, it used to be so good.
So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me S.O.S. The love you gave me, nothing else can save me S.O.S. When you’re gone How can I even try to go on? When you’re gone Though I try how can I carry on?
You seem so far away though you are standing near You made me feel alive, but something died I fear I really tried to make it out I wish I understood What happened to our love, it used to be so good.
So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me S.O.S. The love you gave me, nothing else can save me S.O.S. When you’re gone How can I even try to go on? When you’re gone Though I try how can I carry on?”
[ back at the Captain’s table, the Captain discovers a leak in the wall, and tries desperately to plug it up with his menu and his hat. Intercut between him in ABBA through to the end of the song. ]
ABBA: “So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me S.O.S. And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me S.O.S. When you’re gone How can I even try to go on? When you’re gone Though I try, how can I carry on? When you’re gone How can I even try to go on? When you’re gone Though I try, how can I carry on?”
[ the audience applauds as ABBA takes their bow. In the far left edge of the screen, the Captain continues to try to plug up the hole. ]
[ Robert Klein stands next to Loudon Wainwright III on the stage ]
Robert Klein: And, now, a song from my new friend – Loudon Wainwright.
[ the audience applauds as Klein rushes off the stage, and Wainwright begins his song ]
Loudon Wainwright III: “Hey, we’re gonna have an anniversary Yes, it’s gonna be a bicentennial Hey, America’s having a birthday Gonna be 200 years old Isn’t it wonderful? Oh, you know it certainly is.
Goodness, what a wonderful country Wow, what a nifty history Gee, it’s a powerful nation And it’s been 200 years now Isn’t it wonderful? Oh, you know it certainly is.
Well, I relived my country’s history In a class called Social Studies And I learned the Pledge of Allegience And I sing my natinal anthem: “My country ’tis of thee.”
Yes, you know we have our heroes I mean, Washington and Lincoln And including Audie Murphy And including old Jack Ruby Wasn’t he wonderful? Oh, you know, he certainly was.
So, let’s hear it for Ohio And the rippling redwood forest Or the Sawmill River Parkway Oklahoma’s strange panhandle Aren’t they all wonderful? Oh, yeah, yeah yeah!
Yes, we’re gonna have an anniversary Yes, it’s gonna be a bicentennial Hey, America’s having a birthday Gonna be 200 years old Isn’t it wonderful? Oh, you know it certainly, certainly is!”
Loudon Wainwright III performs “Unrequited to the Nth Degree”
…..Loudon Wainwright III
[ dissolve onto Loudon Wainwright III standing on the apron of the stage surrounded by the audience. He begins playing with no introduction. ]
Loudon Wainwright III: “When I die, and it won’t be long Hey, you’re gonna be sorry that you treated me wrong Yeah, you’re gonna be sorry that you treated me bad Yes, and if there’s an afterlife, I’ll gloat and I’ll be glad.
You know it might be a plane crash or some sort of OD Hey, there’s gonna be a photograph with my obituary You’re gonna see it and you’ll cry a lot, you’re gonna wanna wear black Hey, I’ll be dead, but you can bet your life I’m gonna get you back.
I’m tired of being left up on your shelf I might not wait around, I might kill myself Not only would you miss me, but you’d feel guilty, too Oh, I’d be dead, but it’d be too late, the joke would be on you!
Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho ho! Chuckle chuckle chuckle chuckle! Snicker snicker snicker snicker! Guffaw guffaw guffaw guffaw! Yuk yuk yuk yuk! Chortle chortle chortle chortle chortle chortle chortle chortle.
So you better take warning, and start treating me good Start doing the things that I think you should And you’d better not.. pout, you’d better not cry Hey, the grim reaper is a-coming to town and I just might die!”
