[ open on interior, dining hall of the Titanic, Captain’s Table. The Captain is still attempting to plug up the hole with his hat, as the opening chords of ABBA’s next song begins to play. ][ dissolve to the adjacent part of the stage, where the members of ABBA are playing ]
ABBA: “My my at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender Oh yeah, and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way.”
[ SUPER: “Right Now ABBA Is Lip Synching” ]
[ SUPER: It’s Not Their Fault” ]
[ SUPER: “The Tracks Didn’t Arrive From Sweden” ]
ABBA: “The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself.
Waterloo – I was defeated, you won the war Waterloo – Promise to love you for ever more.”
[ cut to Captain, more worried than ever as he holds his plate against the leak ]
ABBA: “Waterloo – Couldn’t escape if I wanted to Waterloo – Knowing my fate is to be with you.”
[ cut back to ABBA performing ]
ABBA: “Waterloo – Finally facing my Waterloo.”
[ cut back to the Captain, desperately trying to plug the hole with his napkin, a plate, and a menu, none of it appearing to help ]
ABBA: “My my, I tried to hold you back but you were stronger Oh yeah, and now it seems my only hope is giving up the fight.”
[ cut back to ABBA performing, aswater drops appear on the screen and the stage tilts to the left ]
ABBA: “And how could I ever refuse I feel like I win when I lose.
Waterloo – I was defeated, you won the war.”
[ left with no other recourse, the Captain smiles at the performance as he holds his plate against the hole ]
[ ABBA’s performance remains tilted to the left, as tables off-screen to the right begin to slide into viw on the left. Awaiter attempts to carry a tray across the right of the stage, struggles briefly with the uphill climb, then topples backwards. Everyone sitting at the Captain’s table falls out of their chairs, as a huge splash of water engulfs the stage. ]
ABBA: “Waterloo – Promise to love you for ever more Waterloo – Couldn’t escape if I wanted to Waterloo – Knowing my fate is to be with you Waterloo – Finally facing my Waterloo.
[ the camera pans the upward tilt to the right, as we rest on a montage bumper of the couple walking arm-in-arm past the street lamp with their little white dog ]
Player on Right…..Al Franken Player on Left…..Tom Davis
[FADE IN on a black Pong video screen. Franken is leading Davis, 5-4. The players trade shots for several seconds.]
Al Franken: Yknow, I, uh… I really think I aced the old history midterm.
Tom Davis: Yeah, I saw you were the first one to leave. I thought it was pretty–
[A deep BUZZ! is heard as Davis misses a shot and falls behind 6-4.]
Tom Davis: Pretty hard.
Al Franken: Did ya?
Tom Davis: Yeah.
Al Franken: Well, I aced it, Im sure of it.
Tom Davis: What, uh, what century did you put for McKinleys shot?
Al Franken: Uh… lets see, nineteenth, he was shot–
[Davis misses again to make it a 7-4 score.]
Al Franken: [chuckling] He was shot in 1901.
Tom Davis: Well, thats the twentieth century.
[Franken misses a shot which cuts his lead to 7-5.]
Al Franken: Oh, wow, thats right!
Tom Davis: Right, dumbo, you live in 1975, but its the twentieth century.
Al Franken: [disgusted] Oh, thats, oh now–
[He misses another shot to make the score 7-6.]
Al Franken: I missed that whole section!
Tom Davis: Well, thats too bad!
Al Franken: Ohhhhhhh…
Tom Davis: Howd you do on that Alexander Hamilton essay?
[After a moment, the Franken misses again, to make it 7-all.]
Al Franken: What Alexander Hamilton essay?
Tom Davis: The long essay question at the end of the exam.
Al Franken: That was on Aaron Burr!
Tom Davis: No, it wasnt!
Al Franken: Yeah, it was!
Tom Davis: No, it said, Write a biography on the man who invented the Federal Reserve banking system. Thats Hamilton, not Burr!
Al Franken: [stunned] Oh, wow. Th–
[He misses yet another shot, and is now behind 8-7.]
Al Franken: I just read a book about Burr, too.
Tom Davis: Oh. Well, maybe youll get partial credit.
[laughter]
Al Franken: I doubt it.
[They trade shots for a few seconds.]
Al Franken: Say, uh, you didnt happen to notice, did ya, if the, uh–
[He loses a fifth consecutive point, and trails 9-7.]
Al Franken: Nuts! The true-falses kind of went in a… in a pattern?
Tom Davis: Yes, it was amazing!
Al Franken: Oh, good.
Tom Davis: It went true-false, true-false, true-false, all the way through!
[Davis finally misses again, and is ahead 9-8.]
Al Franken: Wait a minute, I got, uh… I got false, true…
[Franken is no longer moving his blip, and misses a shot.]
Al Franken: False, uh, true.
[The ball goes right past the motionless blip on the right again, and the game ends with the Davis winning 11-8. The blips disappear from the screen.]
Tom Davis: Oh. Well… Wanna play another game?
Al Franken: No, I got a geology exam in a couple hours, uh… Maybe Id better bone up. [long pause] Its, uh, Rocks for Jocks, I shouldnt have too much trou–Ill probably ace it.
Stagehand…..Laraine Newman Debbie…..Gilda Radner Rex…..Robert Klein Sam Peckinpah…..John Belushi
[ open on a movie living room set, an actress named Debbie sitting on the loveseat reading her lines ]
[ Stagehand enters with the lead actor – Rex ]
Stagehand: Debbie? This is Rex.
Debbie: Oh, how do you do, Rex?
Rex: Hello, honey, I’m glad to meet you.
Debbie: Nice to meet you.
Rex: We’ll begin shooting in just a moment, just as soon as Mr. Peckinpah gets here.
[ Stagehand exits, as Debbie and Rex get acquainted ]
Debbie: Um.. Rex, I’m a great fan of yours, I’ve seen all of your films. Really, you’re wonderful.
Rex: Well, thank you, I’m happy to hear you say that.
Debbie: Uh, listen. I-I’m a little nervous. I’ve never worked with Mr. Peckinpah before, andI hear he’s pretty tough.
Rex: Oh, Sam? No, I’ve done fourteen Westerns with Sam! That tough thing is just on the outside. The man’s a pussycat, believe me!
Debbie: But, uh.. he’s never really done a romantic-comedy before, and.. I was wondering – you think he can handle that?
Rex: Sam? Oh, come on now. Sam’s a genius, he can handle anything! I’m sure he’ll pull it off.
[ Director Sam Peckinpah enters the set, looking angrily off-stage at a stagehand ]
Sam Peckinpah: One more mistake, you’re on the bus! [ spots Rex ] Rex! Hey, hey! [ the two begin to playfully spar with one another, until he notices Debbie ] You must be Debbie.
Debbie: Yes. How do you do, Mr. Peckinpah?
Sam Peckinpah: Charmed. [ kisses her hand ] Look, I don’t like to waste a lot of time on rehearsal, let’s put one down, alright?
Debbie: Oh. Alright.
Sam Peckinpah: Let’s film it! Okay, let’s try one. [ Debbie takes her place standing at the window, while Rex sits on the loveseat reading a newspaper ] This is a take. [ takes a seat in his director’s chair ] Okay. and.. action!
[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]
Debbie: John, I have the funniest thing to tell you!
Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut. [ stands ] Uh.. that’s not quite it. [ slaps Debbie in the face ] It doesn’t, it doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t — Make me believe it.
Debbie: I’m sorry, yes.
Sam Peckinpah: Make me believe it, okay?
Debbie: Okay. Yes.
Sam Peckinpah: Alright? How do you feel?
Debbie: I’m fine, thank you.
Sam Peckinpah: Good. Alright. Let’s try it again, alright?
Debbie: Okay.
[ Debbie and Rex resume their positions ]
Sam Peckinpah: Alright. Let’s try one. Quiet. And.. action!
[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]
Debbie: John, I have the funniest thing to tell you!
Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut. [ stands ] Uh.. you’re playing it too broad. Uh, you have to, you have to bring it down a little bit, okay? Alright. Have fun with it. How do you feel? [ places his hands on her shoulders ]
Debbie: I’m fine.
Sam Peckinpah: Good. [ displaces his weight so he can kick her in the shin ] Okay.
[ everyone returns to their positions on the set ]
Sam Peckinpah: Let’s try one! And.. action!
[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]
Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!
Sam Peckinpah: Cut! [ stands ] You know.. that’s not quite it, you know? It just is not working for me. It’s not you! [ thrusts his pointed fingers towards Debbie, who flinches just in case ] It’s me, it’s me. [ points his fingers back to himself ] Give me a second to think, okay. Just give me a second. [ wraps his hand around his face, thinking intensely ] I’ve got it! [ thrusts his hand out and punches Debbie in the gut; she falls on the loveseat and struggles to climb back to her feet ] Vivacius!
Debbie: Vivacious?
Sam Peckinpah: I want you to be vivacious.
Debbie: Oh. Okay.
Sam Peckinpah: Okay. How do you feel? [ places his hands on her shoulders again ]
Debbie: I’m great, I’m just fine.
Sam Peckinpah: Good. [ slaps her across the face, then turns to Rex ] Is it working for you?
Rex: I’m good. Good contact.
Sam Peckinpah: Alright, let’s try another one! Let’s do it this time! [ everyone returns to their positions on the set ] Okay. And.. action!
[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]
Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!
Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut. [ stands ] Uhhh.. gee, I don’t know. [ grabs the back of Debbie’s neck and twists her to the floor ] I don’t know, I don’t know. [ to Rex ] Can you believe this? [ Rex nods ] Are you relating? Is there good eye contact there? There is?
[ Debbie signals for Rex to rescue her, but Peckinpah continues to push her onto the loveseat as he he critiques the performance ]
Sam Peckinpah: I think it’s me, I do, I think it’s me. Well, let’s try it again, alright? [ knocks Debbie onto the loveseat with a slap; when she struggles back to her feet, he shoves her back into it again ] Okay, let’s try it. Let’s try one more, let’s try to get it right. Alright?
[ while returning to her position at the window, Debbie practically collapses onto the floor before she makes it back on her feet ]
Rex: Same place, Sam?
Sam Peckinpah: Same place. Start from the top. And.. action!
[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]
Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!
[ a beat, as Peckinpah looks on without interrupting ]
Rex: Really? what?
Sam Peckinpah: Cut!
[ Debbie looks toward Peckinpah with a certain panic and disallusion in her eyes, while Rex gives a cocky glance towards his director ]
Sam Peckinpah: [ stands ] Now, Rex.. what I want from you.. is, I want —
[ suddenly, Rex violently knees Peckinpah in the groin, grabs his shoulders and thrusts him to the floor ]
Sam Peckinpah: [ sits up, dazed ] That’s it! I think we got a take! Print it!
[ Rex and Debbie walk off the set arm-in-arm ]
[ dissolve to the applauding audience ]
[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next.. Are Tulips The Vodka Of Flowers?” ]
…..Chevy Chase Frank Telinka…..Dan Aykroyd …..Garrett Morris
[FADE in on Chevy at the anchor desk.]
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
[Chevy listens to his telephone and smiles.]
Chevy Chase: How dya know? You know what I like? When you take your teeth… [notices camera] I gotta go.
[Chevy hangs up and turns to his script.]
Chevy Chase: Good evening, Im Chevy Chase, and youre not.
Our top story tonight: President Ford flew to Paris today for a joint economic summit conference!
[CUT to the monitor over Chevys shoulder. It displays a photo of Ford bending down to kiss a young girl who is giving him flowers.]
Chevy Chase: Overworked and exhausted from his flight, the President mistakenly bumped his head on the face of a little girl who was presenting him with flowers at the airport. Smiling but alert Secret Service agents seized the child and wrestled her to the ground. [laughter and applause] Commented Ford later: Its okay: kids too young to vote anyway. Have you seen my flowers? [soft laughter]
Ford will visit China in December, making stops in Indonesia and the Philippines. While in China, Mr. Ford plans to fall off the Great Wall by mistake.
[Monitor shows a jetliner taking off with a flock of large birds scattered above it.]
Chevy: A flock of seagulls was sucked into the jet engines of a DC-10 aircraft during takeoff at Kennedy Airport in New York. The plane crashed and burned, but no one was hurt. However, 14 birds were injured, and 3 were killed. The injured gulls were taken to Mount Sinai hospital, and names of the dead are being withheld pending notification of the next of kin.
[soft laughter]
Chevy Chase: The United States… hold it… The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!
[Monitor shows Richard Nixon, apparently on Air Force One, where he is sleeping across two chairs and covered with a blanket.]
Chevy Chase: A new book has been published and released, and its entitled, Friends of Richard Nixon. A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century. Of his former boss, President Ford said, Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope.
[Monitor fades to a shot of David and Julie Eisenhower flanked by two military guards on the White House Lawn.]
Chevy Chase: David and Julie Eisenhower were executed today by a firing squad… [laughter and applause] …to pay for what the Pentagon calls unforgivable dullness.
[The audience cheers and applauds so long that Chevy picks up the telephone receiver and starts to dial, then puts it back down and resumes his report.]
Chevy Chase: Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didnt he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag.
[Monitor shows a still of Governor George Wallace of Alabama clapping and turning his head to the side.]
Chevy Chase: Governor George Wallace announced that he will roll ahead for the nomination of the Presidency! [laughter and applause] Wallace stated that his physical disabilities have never and will never prevent him from continuing a determined policy of bigotry and right-wing extremism at home, and unflagging ignorance on the foreign front.
[Monitor fades to a track athlete doing stretching exercises. He sticks his right arm straight out in front of him while bending up his left knee and touching the foot with his left hand.]
Chevy Chase: Meanwhile, members of the Congress of Racial Equality are strongly protesting the new hood ornament on Wallaces private limousine.
[laughter and applause]
Chevy Chase: A serious note: the Federal Communications Commission ruled today that the words sniff and lingerie may not be spoken over the airwaves, regardless of the context.
[Monitor shows Muhammad Ali writing in a notebook while Joe Frazier sits to his left and peers over his shoulder with his teeth gritted.]
Chevy Chase: In sports, Super Fight has become Super Write as Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier met last night in a contest to see who could fill an entire page of a book, it, uh, with writing in under fifteen rounds. Ali won the competition in three rounds, writing his name eight times to fill the page. Said the champ: All my fight fans, they may be bored,/But this proves that the pen is mightier than the floor!
[Monitor fades to three photos in a row: one of Gerald Ford covering his mouth, one of Hubert Humphrey pointing both fingers at his own nose, and one of Ford blowing his nose.]
Chevy: Still to come: Hubert Humphrey explains what to do when you sneeze to Jerry Ford, after this filmed message.
Chevy Chase: Last week, Update presented an editorial favoring the use of electrical energy, burning of natural gas, and strip mining. Here in reply to that editorial is Frank Telinka, spokesman for the Turn Off Your Lights Drive 1976.
[ZOOM OUT to show Telinka, on Chevys right. He wears a plain brown suit and dark-rimmed glasses. SUPERIMPOSE, EDITORIAL REPLY.]
Frank Telinka: [contemptuously] The energy crisis is upon us, and yet most citizens are still unaware of its implications and ultimate impact.
[As Telinka continues, Chevy silently flaps his lips in sync with him and bugs out his eyes.]
Frank Telinka: The average Joe reads about it and hears about it, yet continues to ignore its inevitable powerlessness. We live in a mechanized and electric society in the United Sta-States. [Chevy puts fingers in his mouth and sticks out his tongue] We have been taught from generation to generation about the endless abundance of Americas… wealth…
[Telinka turns to Chevy, who immediately pretends to be picking food out of his teeth.]
Frank Telinka: Both in our natural resources, and in our ability to take of our own… take care of our own and others. We know in our collective subconscious that it cannot continue. [Chevy makes rabbit ears with fingers behind Telinkas head] Yet we go home, turn on the lights instead of burning a candle, turn on record players instead of singing to ourselves…
[Chevy takes out an electric shaver and pretends to shave his face, his armpits, and Telinkas shoulder.]
Frank Telinka: …blow-dry our hair instead of using a towel, and shave with a machine instead of a blade!
[Chevy continues to make faces and mime his words, picks up a sheet of paper and flaps it in front of him, and points his finger at Telinka.]
Frank Telinka: We must get back to basics! [pounds desktop] A basic understanding of lifes real values, and a basic way of living that life. This means me, this means you! LEARN to conserve! [Chevy makes faces over his shoulder] The term wasting energy is no longer a vestigial, anachronistic cliche, it is an ominious and insidious prognosis for a nation sick with self-indulgence and, ultimately, a portention of an American armageddon! Thank you!
[Telinka turns and glares at Chevy, who stops instantly and looks at the camera over cheers and applause.]
Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials.
[Monitor shows a man standing on a staircase next to what looks like a giant mill wheel with a corrugated metal rim.]
Chevy Chase: Well, Leon, the giant hamster, escaped from the Leningrad zoo again today. Said zookeeper Boris Bronovich: Were following his droppings with much hope of success.
[Monitor fades to a still photo of Jacqueline Carlin.]
Chevy Chase: A final note: this is my girlfriends birthday. Hi, Jackie. Happy 17th.
[Chevy raises his eyebrows over laughter.]
Chevy Chase: Also on the birthday spot: Lorne Michaels, executive producer of the NBC Night show, and a functioning schizophrenic. The NBC Saturday Night show will soon be replaced by the network with their new series, Hilarious Test Patterns of the 1960s.
[laughter]
Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris.
[SUPERIMPOSE Garrett in a circle on the left side of the screen above the caption, NEWS FOR THE HARD OF HEARING. Audience laughs as Chevy struggles not to crack up.]
Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight:
Garrett Morris: [cupping hands around his mouth] OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!
Chevy Chase: President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!
Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!
Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
Novemmber 22nd, 1975 Lily Tomlin None The Muppets Howard Shore Jacqueline Carlin Tom Davis Neil Levy Alan Zweibel Anne Beatts Rosie Shuster Ford AddressSummary: President Ford takes phone calls from the Oval Office. Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford. Transcript
Montage
Lily Tomlin’s MonologueSummary: Lily Tomlin does a cheer for New York City. Bio: Lily Tomlin (1939-). Comedienne/actres; former regular on “Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In” during the early 1970’s; film credits include: “Nashville” (1975). Also Hosted: 76a, 82j. Cameos: 76n. Note: The Home Base stage has been redesigned starting with this episode. Transcript
Beetoven ISummary: While horsing around on the piano, Ludwig von Beetoven (John Belushi) invents “Tie A Yellow Ribbon ‘Round The Ole Oak Tree.” Transcript
Lily Tomlin & Howard Shore’s All-Nurse SNL Band perform “St. James Infirmary”Transcript
TriopeninSummary: Product’s child-proof safety cap prevents arthritis medicine from being used. Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.
Jaws IIISummary: The hunt for the Land Shark (Chevy Chase) continues. Recurring Characters: Land Shark, Sheriff Brody, Matt Hooper. Transcript
Interracial CoupleSummary: A clumsy bellboy (Chevy Chase) drops the Sunday papers upon seeing a black man (Garrett Morris) and a white woman (Jane Curtin) in a hotel room together. Note: Uses the same set as “Jaws III”. Transcript
Edith Ann FilmSummary: Edith Ann (Lily Tomlin) narrates her adventure at the ice skating rink. Transcript
Beetoven IISummary: While horsing around on the piano, Ludwig von Beetoven (John Belushi) sings “My Girl.” Transcript
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase pours Weekend Update sponsor, Spud Beer, onto his suit. Garrett Morris again repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing. Transcript
Spud BeerSummary: The perfect brew following your electroshock therapy. Transcript
A Letter to Patty HearstSummary: Suzy (Lily Tomlin) writes a letter of forgiveness to sorority sister Patty Hearst.
Show Us Your GunsSummary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL’s film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens’ firearms. Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.
The MuppetsSummary: Scred falls in love with Lily Tomlin. Together, they sing “I Got You Babe.” Transcript
“The Impossible Truth”Summary: Albert Brooks reports unlikely news items in his short film. Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.
Beetoven IIISummary: While horsing around on the piano, Ludwig von Beetoven (John Belushi) and his wife (Gilda Radner) and maid (Laraine Newman) harmonize on “sings “What’d I Say?” Transcript
Male Sexual HarassmentSummary: Construction women take lessons on how to harass men. Transcript
SpeedSummary: Diet pill lets housewife (Anne Beatts) get lots of work done. Transcript
50’s DanceSummary: A monologue in which a teenager (Lily Tomlin) gossips about her classmates while at the school dance. Transcript
[Open on a close-up of Ludwig von Beethoven’s hands as he plays somber music on the piano. Dissolve to shot of Beethoven sitting at the piano. The camera zooms out to show his wife arranging the flowers in the vase on the piano. Beethoven pauses and uses a quill to write on the music sheet in front of him. Frieda enters with a tray of food]
Frieda: I brought your husband’s dinner, Mrs. Beethoven.
Beethoven’s Wife: Oh, Frieda, I’m so worried about him. He’s been working so hard. He hasn’t eaten for days. Look, he hasn’t even touched his breakfast. [Beethoven resumes playing] Ludwig, you must eat. [She taps Beethoven on the cheek]
Beethoven: [Stops playing and turns to wife] Good morning! Nice to see you! [Resumes playing]
Beethoven’s Wife and Frieda: [Putting their hands to their cheeks] Ugh! [Both exit. SFX: Door closing]
[After the door closes, Beethoven pauses for a second, then begins playing much brighter notes. He listens to his playing for a moment, then nods his head to indicate he likes what he hears. He suddenly begins playing “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree.”]
[Open on Beethoven playing piano. His wife and another woman, Frieda, enter.]
Beethoven’s Wife: Look, Frieda, he hasn’t even touched his food. [Leans in in an attempt to get her husband’s attention] Liebchen, you must be careful. You must eat. YOU MUST EAT! [Taps Beethoven on the cheek]
Beethoven: [Stops playing and turns to wife] Good morning! Nice to see you! [Resumes playing]
Frieda: All he asks for is his snuff box.
Beethoven’s Wife: It’s raining outside, and he doesn’t even know it. [She and Frieda put their hands to their cheeks] Oh! [Both exit]
[Beethoven plays the opening four notes to his Fifth Symphony, shakes his head and gradually changes the notes until they become the opening to The Temptations’ “My Girl”]
Beethoven: [singing] “I got sunshine On a cloudy day. When it’s cold outside, I got the month of May.
I guess you’ll say What can make me feel this way? Fräulein, fräulein…”
[Open on Beethoven playing piano. His wife and Frieda enter.]
Beethoven’s Wife: Look at him, Frieda. He hasn’t touched his food.
Frieda: Oh, he hasn’t eaten in weeks. He has no appetite.
Beethoven’s Wife: Ludwig? Ludwig! Dumbkopf! [Pushes Beethoven’s head to get his attention]
Beethoven: [Stops playing and turns to wife] Good morning! Nice to see you two!
Beethoven’s Wife: [Grasps Beethoven’s chin] Call if you need me. [She and Frieda turn to each other] Ugh! [Both exit]
[Beethoven pauses and takes two hits from his snuff box]
Beethoven: Ah-choo.
[He puts on a pair of sunglasses and plays Ray Charles’ “What’d I Say?”, singing and swaying like Charles]
Beethoven: [singing] “Oh, mama, don’t you treat me wrong Come and love your daddy all night long Hey hey, what’d I say? What’d I say now? Hey baby, what’d I say?”
[Wife and Frieda run in]
Beethoven’s Wife: What’d you say? [She and Frieda join Beethoven in singing]
Beethoven: “I said Hey! (Hey?) Ho! (Ho?) Hey (Hey?), Ho (Ho?) Hey (Hey?), Ho (Ho?)
Baby, it’s all right (Baby, it’s all right) Baby, it’s all right (Baby, it’s all right) Baby, it’s all right (Baby, it’s all right) Baby, it’s all right (Baby, it’s all right) Yeah, it’s all right. Baby, what’d I say? (Ahhh, baby, it’s all right)
Tell your mama, tell your pa Gonna send you back to Arkansas Hey hey (Bop-shoo-bop, bop-bop-shoo-bop) What’d I say? (Bop-shoo-bop, bop-bop-shoo-bop) What’d I say now? Hey baby, what’d I say? (ahhh, baby, what’d I say?)”
Room Service…..Chevy Chase Miss Gibson…..Jane Curtin Black Man…..Garrett Morris
[ open on Black Man and White Woman (Miss Gibson) making out on the couch in a Southern hotel room ]
[ a knock is heard at the door ]
Room Serivce: [ enters room carrying newspaper ] Sunday paper, Miss Gibson. [ notices Miss Gibson and Black Man making out ] Oh. I’m terribly sorry, I.. I didn’t realize.. I’ll come back with it later.. No problem, there.. [ parts of the paper slide out from uner his arms and spill to the floor; he awkwardly attempts to pick them up, dropping other parts of the paper in the process ] You enjoying your stay here.. at the Atlanta house..? [ spills more of the paper, scrambles to collect it up ] I’ll just bring this back around lunchtime.. We bring a lunch up, as usual, Miss Gibson.. and.. you’ve seen the Starlight Room, I know..
Miss Gibson: Yes. I’ve seen it, yes.
Room Serivce: I’m sure you can get him in there.. [ continues to fumble with the paper ] It won’t be any problem right now.. I’ll be getting out of here.. right out of your way, now.. and hope you will be coming back to the hotel.. [ reaches the door, spilling more parts of the paper ] Sorry. Thank you. No problem at all.. Sorry. [ exits room, then re-enters to grab one last piece of the paper from the floor ] The real estate section here.. [ exits room for good ]
[Background music throughout: cheesy, pompous newsreelmusic. Superimposed title: The Impossible Truth. Cutto a globe and a superimposed text which scrolls pastas a cheesy, pompous newsreel narrator reads it:]
Narrator: For years, people have been searching forthe truth. Some have been astounded at finding truth.And some never find it and are still astounded. THEIMPOSSIBLE TRUTH scans the globe looking for theevents that will astound everybody; thereby bringingus all closer together. [Cut to a spinning newspaper(“Impossible Truth News”) which eventually stopsspinning to reveal its headline: CABBIE GOES BLINDSTILL DRIVES; Cut to taxi cab parked at curb of NewYork City street] New York cab driver, temporarilyblinded, still puts in forty-five hour week! [Musicout. Camera tracks forward to close-up of cab driverwho wears dark glasses; an offscreen interviewer callsout to him:]
Interviewer: Excuse me!
Cab Driver: [looks the wrong way] Hm?
Interviewer: Sir? [cabbie turns to camera] Yes, howdid this happen to you?
Cab Driver: Well, I was takin’ a fare to one o’ thosemovie premieres, you know? You know them bigspotlights?
Interviewer: Where they have the lights in the sky?
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: Yeah, right.
Cab Driver: I always wondered how they get ’em sobright so I went and stared into it.
Interviewer: Yeah?
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: Stared into the light?
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: For how long?
Cab Driver: About a half an hour.
Interviewer: Yeah?
Cab Driver: The doctor says it’s only temporary, mysight’ll probably come back.
Interviewer: Oh, that’s good. And yet you still drive?
Cab Driver: Damn right I still drive! What should Ido? Sit home and collect welfare? I know these streetslike the back of my hand.
Interviewer: Yeah?
Cab Driver: That’s right.
Interviewer: Well, congratulations.
Cab Driver: Thank you.
Interviewer: Yeah.
[A woman gets in the back of the cab.]
Woman: [to the driver] Fifty-sixth and Madison.
Cab Driver: [to the interviewer] Gotta go now, pal.Got a fare.
Interviewer: Okay.
Cab Driver: [to the passenger] Any cars in front of us?!
Woman: No.
[Cab pulls into traffic. Honking horns artfully segueto more pompous music. Cut to another spinningnewspaper with headline: ISRAEL AND GEORGIA TRADEPLACES; Cut to a press conference where, beneath theirrespective flags, an Israeli and a Georgian sit at atable surrounded by journalists and photographers,signing papers]
Narrator: In an unprecedented move to ease worldtensions, the country of Israel and the state ofGeorgia have agreed to change places. The entire stateof Georgia — residents, businesses, all forms ofcommerce — will relocate in the Middle East onJanuary 1st, 1977. No buildings will be moved. It willbe an even property exchange. [Music out.]
Israeli: This is indeed an auspicious occasion of thetwentieth century and I hope that New Orleans will beeasier to deal with than Cairo. [applause]
Georgian: I know – I know that my entire state islooking forward to heat without humidity. [applause]
[Pompous music. Cut to another newspaper: AGE OFCONSENT LOWERED TO SEVEN IN OREGON; Cut to arestaurant where a thirtyish advertising man in a loudcheckered jacket sits at a table with a cute six orseven year old girl who eats a salad. In thebackground, other men sit with young girls.]
Narrator: In a sweeping majority vote, thisprogressive state has decided to lower the age ofconsent from eighteen to seven. Businesses of alltypes report a surge in activity. [Music out.]
Ad Man: [to the girl] Actually, uh, I’m in – I’m inadvertising. Here, I’ll show ya, this is my companyhere. [shows girl his business card]
Girl: I can’t read yet.
Ad Man: Oh, well, this says that I’m in charge ofcasting. I cast a lot of people, you know, likeyourself.
Girl: Mm hm.
Ad Man: You have very nice cheekbones.
Interviewer: [off screen] Excuse me, sir. I’m with”The Impossible Truth” — do you live in this area?
Ad Man: No, I’m from L.A.
Interviewer: Ah! Who’s your date?
Ad Man: It’s just someone I’m talking to here.
Interviewer: Let me ask you something–
Ad Man: Why don’t you just leave us for a littlewhile, huh?
Interviewer: All right.
Ad Man: [to the girl] Uh, I’m staying, uh, at the Inn,you know, out by the airport there.
Girl: Yeah?
Ad Man: Maybe, I don’t know if you have time …
Narrator: Although “The Impossible Truth” airs what itmust, some things it airs disgusts it. [Pompous music.Cut to another newspaper: THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH PEEKSINTO THE FUTURE; Cut to a woman swimming in a pool]While you are viewing this, “The Impossible Truth”continues to investigate new leads. Like the woman whoswims twenty-four hours a day every day of her life.[Cut to man eating a hard-boiled egg] Or the man whocan eat a thousand eggs. [Cut to a bespectacled manwith a magazine, moving his lips as he reads it] Orthe genius with an I.Q. of over two hundred and forty.[Cut to the globe and another superimposed text whichthe narrator reads:] It should be known that THEIMPOSSIBLE TRUTH is a fully copyrighted feature.Infringement of that copyright can lead to a long andcostly legal battle that we will win. As for now, THEIMPOSSIBLE TRUTH continues to scan the globe. [Cut tofinal newspaper with headline reading: THE END]
Air Date:
Summary: President Ford takes phone calls from the Oval Office.
Summary: Lily Tomlin does a cheer for New York City.
Summary: While horsing around on the piano, Ludwig von Beetoven (John Belushi) invents “Tie A Yellow Ribbon ‘Round The Ole Oak Tree.”
Summary: Product’s child-proof safety cap prevents arthritis medicine from being used.
Summary: The hunt for the Land Shark (Chevy Chase) continues.
Summary: A clumsy bellboy (Chevy Chase) drops the Sunday papers upon seeing a black man (Garrett Morris) and a white woman (Jane Curtin) in a hotel room together.
Summary: Edith Ann (Lily Tomlin) narrates her adventure at the ice skating rink.
Summary: While horsing around on the piano, Ludwig von Beetoven (John Belushi) sings “My Girl.”
Summary: Chevy Chase pours Weekend Update sponsor, Spud Beer, onto his suit. Garrett Morris again repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.
Summary: The perfect brew following your electroshock therapy.
Summary: Suzy (Lily Tomlin) writes a letter of forgiveness to sorority sister Patty Hearst.
Summary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL’s film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens’ firearms.
Summary: Scred falls in love with Lily Tomlin. Together, they sing “I Got You Babe.”
Summary: Albert Brooks reports unlikely news items in his short film.
Summary: While horsing around on the piano, Ludwig von Beetoven (John Belushi) and his wife (Gilda Radner) and maid (Laraine Newman) harmonize on “sings “What’d I Say?”
Summary: Construction women take lessons on how to harass men.
Summary: Diet pill lets housewife (Anne Beatts) get lots of work done.
Summary: A monologue in which a teenager (Lily Tomlin) gossips about her classmates while at the school dance.
Summary: Lily Tomlin & The Bees perform “Bee Scat”
