Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 1
75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
Announcer: From Saturday Night news headquarters, this is Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ talking into the telephone ] What are you wearing right now? [ smiles ] No bathrobe? [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase!
Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.
Now, world leaders in the news: Japan Emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this week. The Emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.
Dateline: Washington. At a press conference Thursday night, President Ford blew his nose. Alert Secret Service agents seized his handkerchief and wrestled it to the ground.
And, yesterday, in Washington, President Ford bumped his head three times getting into his helicopter. The CIA immediately denied reports that it had deliberately lowered the top of the doorway.
And, Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he has written his own campaign slogan. The slogan? “If He’s So Dumb, How Come He’s President?”
The Post Office announced today — [ looks around, lost ] Just a second, I lost my place. [ shuffles his papers ] Oh! The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter.
Chevy Chase: Murder at the Blaine Hotel again. For a live report, let’s go to Laraine Newman in midtown Manhatten, at the Blaine hotel. Laraine?
Laraine Newman: [ over the sounds of sirens in the background ] Chevy, I’m standing outside a room on the 15th floor of the Blaine Hotel, where number 38 in a series of grizzly and bizarre murders has occurred just over an hour ago. [ pan down to reveal three legs, each with a yellow sock on the foot, covered by a sheet and poking out of the doorway ] The motive, again – murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings. In a fit of pique, the Mayor has called the Blaine Hotel a pockmark on the neck of midtown Manhatten. Once again, grizzly death and murder in the Blaine Hotel. Laraine Newman, reporting.
Chevy Chase: Still to come: Earthquake Claims San Diego, Four Million Die in Turkey, and Arlene Visits an Art Museum.
[ dissolve to ad parody for Triopenin ]
[ dissolve to Blaine Hotel ad card ]
Announcer: Guests of NBC Saturday Night stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhatten. The Blaine, a tradition for more than half a century.
Chevy Chase: Our final story tonight concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo. It’s the first such birth in captivity on record. The pip made its debut at 9:18 this morning, weighing in at just under fourteen grams, and, according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely. The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply “Pip”. One humourous note: the bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon by Goggles, the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.
Well, that’s news this evening. This is Chevy Chase saying, good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ Chevy quickly redials his phone, as we fade ]
Air Date:
Note: Chevy Chase performs his first opening fall at the end of Paul Simon’s number.
Bio: Led by esteemed gospelist Jesse Dixon (1938-); group performed back-up on Paul Simon’s 1974 concert album, Live Rhymin’.
Summary: Jerry Rubin pitches grafitti wallpaper.
Bio: Randy Newman (1943-). Singer-songwriter; wrote the hit “Mama Told Me Not to Come” for Three Dog Night in the early 1970’s; some of his best-loved early songs were those of a comic nature, such as 1978’s “Short People”; began composing film scores later in his career.
Summary: Paul Simon informs the Bees that their number was cut from the show.
Summary: Sports reporter Marv Albert is on the scene as Paul Simon goes one-on-one with Connie Hawkins on the basketball court.
Note: Simon & Garfunkel reunited in real-life to record this single for Garfunkel’s current album, Breakaway.
Bio: Art Garfunkel (1941-). Singer/actor; teamed as Tom & Jerry with Art Garfunkel during the 1950’s, partnered as Simon & Garfunkel through 1970’s Bridge Over Troubled Water album; as solo artist, relied heavily on other songrwriters, though he had his fair share of hits; light acting career included co-starring with Jack Nicholson in “Carnal Knowledge.”
Summary: Ploobis & Scred seek financial help from the Mighty Favog.
Summary: Albert Brooks presents his traumatic home movies and failed Candid Camera stunts.
Bio: Phoebe Snow (1952-). Singer-songwriter; the poetry she wrote as a teenager eventually became her first songs as a jazz-scat vocalist.
Summary: A battery strong enough to run a pacemaker all night.
Bio: Bill Bradley (1943-). Athlete/politician; played for the New York Knicks, 1967-77; elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame in 1982; U.S. State Senator for New Jersey, 1979-97; attempted a run for the presidency in 2000.
Summary: An injured Mr. Featherstone (Chevy Chase) regains his ability to walk, then falls out of his wheelchair.
Summary: Rob Reiner portrays a smarmy lounge singer.
Summary: Man (John Belushi) learns his pancreas is on the fritz.
Summary: Rob Reiner and Penny Marshall host a showing of fashion mistakes.
Summary: Spokesman (George Coe) pitches surgery-free healing that involves voodoo acupuncture.
Summary: Andy Kaufman lip-syncs “Pop Goes The Weasel.”
Summary: Squeaky Fromme (Laraine Newman) tries to shoot Jane Curtin during interview.
Summary: Test proves it’s different than regular tuna.
Summary: The Lockers dance around Studio 8H.
Summary: Kidnappers use Don Pardo to voice their demands from the Blaine Hotel. Garrett Morris, headmaster of the School for the Hard of Hearing, repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.
Summary: At a funeral, a priest (Tom Schiller) lets the deceased take the gum with him.
Summary: Joe Cocker (John Belushi) makes a surprise appearance to perform an extra spastic version of “With A Little Help From My Friends.”
Summary: Chevy Chase promotes awareness.
Summary: Used to move people, not their possessions.
Summary: A sadistic hoe-down caller (Dan Aykroyd) torments square dancersith his calls.
Summary: Ploobis discovers his son Wisss has been smoking craters.
Summary: Mark Hampton & Denny Dillon as nuns emceeing talent night for their parish.
Summary: Gilda Radner tells the audience everything she ate that day.
Summary: Albert Brooks film shows a heart surgery.
Summary: The Bees ruin Rob Reiner’s chance to do a dramatic scene with Penny Marshall.