Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Billy Crystal Stand-Up

… Ron Nessen
… Billy Crystal

Ron Nessen: Ladies and gentlemen, here is BillCrystal.

[Applause. Young Billy Crystal enters. Nessen,applauding, exits.]

Billy Crystal: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you forthat warm welcome, uh, very often, new comedians likeme, uh, we have a rough time, especially in bigconcerts. Often, we’ll get no billing. The audiencewill have no idea there’s an opening act. And it’s notfair. I come out, three thousand people have timedtheir drugs for the headliner. Whoa! Can be difficult.But, uh, I started performing when I was a little boy.My family was in the jazz recording business. We owneda label called the Commodore Jazz label. We recordedall the great people like Billie Holiday, EddieCondon, all the great old players and my dad used toproduce them in concert and that’s where I was broughtup, backstage, and these old players were my friends.Uh, it was a great period in my life. They alwayscalled me “Face.” “Face” is a hip jazz term for cutekid or really pretty lady. They always called them”Face.” And I hadn’t seen any of them in about fifteenyears till, about two months ago, I was passing alittle club in the Village, recognized the name of areal old great friend of mine. I went to see him. Senthim a note. And we had a real sweet reunion backstage.

[Lights go down, shrouding the studio in darkness.Jazz saxophone plays a mellow tune. A lone spotlightshines on a stool on the walkway that juts out intothe audience. Crystal, imitating an old jazz musician,walks into the spotlight and sits on the stool.]

Billy Crystal: [in character, raspy voice] Yes, yes,yes, yes, yes. The Face! Yes, yes, yes, yes. This isheavy. This is heavy. Yes, yes. Can you dig it? I knewthat you could. Yes, yes, yes. You’re lookin’ so nice,Face. Just so nice to see ya. … I’m okay. I’mfeelin’, uh, copacetic. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Canyou dig it? I knew that you could. Yes, yes, yes, yes.Yeah. You been doin’ so many things. I been seein’ yapoppin’ up on the tube. It’s lovely to see ya,absolutely charming. Hey, Face, do you remember thefirst joke I ever did tell you? You do? Do it with me.It’s about old Zooty. Yes. Do it. Zooty goes into thebarbershop and he says, Hey, man, how much is ahaircut? And the haircut man he says, “Haircut’s twodollars.” Zooty says, “Wow! How much is a shave?”Says, “Shave’s a dollar.” Zooty says, “Wow, baby.[points to head] Shave it!” Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.That’s lovely. Yes, yes. Can you dig it? I knew thatyou could. Yes, yes. … I’m okay. I’m giggin’, I’mgiggin’ all the time, all the time. I had some problemwith my teeth a while back. Yes, yes. Didn’t havenone. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It was low, it was low. Ihad to get some new dental work done on my chops, yes,so I had no bread, you know, so I had to hock my horn,you know, to get my teeth fixed. Yeah but then I waslookin’ good. I was lookin’ sassy. Like Jaws, yas,yas, yas, yas. Can you dig it? I knew that you could.Yes, yes, yes. … What? Huh? No. That’s – that’scool, I thought you was gonna say something. I was inItaly. Yeah, I – I was there with old Pops BenWebster. We had a lovely time. Love the Italian folks,they’s charming. Absolutely lovely. We went to aconcert that was given by Romano Mussolini. Yassss,yes, yes, yes. He’s the son of Il Duce. Yasss, yes,yes, yes. Can you dig it? I knew that you could. Yes,yes. Romano, he don’t play too good. He stunk up thejoint. And we was nervous ’cause we know, we’s gonnago backstage and he’s gonna say, “Hey, Pops, what’dyou think about the set?” And Webster, he’s too kindto tell him that he stunk up the joint, you know whatI’m talkin’ about? Yes, yes, yes. Sure enough, wewatch him. He’s lousy. We go backstage and he says,”Hey, Pops, what’d you think about the set?” AndWebster, he don’t know what to say and he goes, uh,”Hey, man, it was a drag what they did to yourfather.” We just laughed and laughed, yes. Can you digit? I knew that you could. Yes, yes, yes. [turns andtalks to someone behind him] What? I’m – I’m comin’.[sadly, to Face] I gotta go do the second set. Yes.Ain’t nobody there but we gonna do it anyhow. Hey,Face, it was so lovely to see ya. Absolutely charmingto see ya. Keep it together. Yeah, don’t ever stop.It’s happenin’ now and it’s so lovely to see. Yeah.Never quit. Maybe … get a teaching gig to fall backon, you know, just in case the gig don’t happen, youknow, you know what I’m talkin’ about? Yes. Can youdig it? I knew that you could. Yeah. It can be a sweetlife, Face. I got all that I need. God bless us, stillgot my old lady. And my horn. And you know I got themusic. Hey, Face, wherever you go, just remember that,well … love you madly.

[Saxophone winds down as Crystal waves goodbye, wipeshis brow, and remains seated quietly on the stool.Applause.]

Submitted Anonymously

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

The Dead String Quartet II

First Violinist…..John Belushi
Second Violinist…..Laraine Newman
Third Violinist…..Garrett Morris
Cellist…..Chevy Chase

[ open on three violinist and one cellist seated in the middle of the apron the stage, seemingly asleep ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again — the Dead String Quartet.

[ SUPER: “The Dead String Quartet” ]

[ the audience slowly claps in recognition of this bit ]

[ Dead String Quartet remains perfectly still for a number of seconds, until First Violinist slowly keels over to his left, sound of his reed slipping across the violin strings as his body keels over ]

[ First Violinist bumps into Second Violinist, causing a similar reaction from her, as her reed slips over the violin strings and she keels into Third Violinist ]

[ Third Violinist’s body keels on into the Cellist, whose body and cello lean over to the edge of the stage ]

[ Cellist balances between his cello and the floor for a few seconds, before finally toppling over the apron and landing with a thud in the middle of the audience ]

[ cut to pre-taped footage of President Gerald R. Ford ]

President Gerald R. Ford: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Autumn Fizz

Written by: Gilda Radner & Alan Zweibel

Woman…..Gilda Radner
Man…..Chevy Chase

[ open on Woman dressed finely as she sits on her bed ]

Woman: I love being a woman. Feeling fresh, soft, and fragrant makes me glad I’m myself. I like to be pampered in silk and flowing chiffon. THe finer things of life. And being feminine means being fresh and clean. When I think of the finest in jewelry, I think of Tiffany and Cartier. And, when I think of feminine hygeine, I think of Autumn Fizz — [ she holds up the product ] the carbonated douche. Autumn Fizz gives me the confidence a woman needs in today’s hectic world. It brings out the naturalfragrance of feminity, with the effervescence of uncola.

[ her boyfriend enters, dressed in a tux, and sits on the bed behind her ]

Woman: Autumn Fizz — [ she burps ] the carbonated douche. [ they exchange glances ] Don’t leave him holding the bag.

Man: Thank you.

[ she hands each bottle to her boyfriend ]

Woman: Now, in strawberry… lemon… and egg cream.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Gary Weis Film: Garbage

[Gary Weis film in which New York sanitation workersare interviewed on the job:]

1st Man: Well, I feel the men should be called”sanitation men” – not “garbage men.”

Man in Truck 1: Eh, sanitation engineer’s alittle too high. But “garbage man” — it – it – it -it’s describing the person. I don’t think that’sright.

Man in Truck 2: You can call me anything aslong as I get paid every week!

Man in Truck 3: It doesn’t make a differenceone way or another, doesn’t matter. You are what yaare.

[We hear folk singer Pete Seeger’s recording of BillSteele’s 1969 song “Garbage” over a montage of garbagetrucks. The 1st Man directs the trucks. We see anenormous amount of trash being emptied from trucksinto garbage scows.]

Pete Seeger: [sings]
Mister Thompson calls the waiter, orders steak andbaked potater
Then he leaves the bone and gristle and he never eatsthe skin
The busboy comes and takes it, with a coughcontaminates it
He throws it in a can with coffee grounds and sardinetins
Then a truck comes by on Friday – carts it allaway
And a thousand trucks just like it are converging onthe Bay
[sings the refrain]
Garbage

Chorus: Garbage, garbage,garbage

Pete Seeger: Garbage

Chorus: Garbage, garbage,garbage

[Song ends. Interviews continue:]

1st Man: Around springtime, bodies startpoppin’ up. Usually, uh, they fall in around fall orwintertime. Whatever the reason is I don’t know, theydon’t come up till spring. Whether it’s the waterheatin’ up and the chemicals in the body, I dunno butthey pop up around spring. We got four or five of ’emaround here. Fact is, between us and the fireboat oneday, I spotted somethin’ I thought was a leg and afterI got the police harbor boat on it, turned out to be,uh, an arm. The hand was missin’ but the rest of itwas there.

Man in Truck 2: Sometimes we find guns in the -in the hopper when we dump the cans.

Man in Truck 4: Found a diamond ringonce.

Man in Truck 5: That depends on what’s valuableto you, you know? I read a lot, I find a lot ofbooks.

1st Man: [points] Then we found a [clearsthroat] guy dead over here on the other pier. Turnedout to be a reporter and he’s supposed to have blownhis head off.

[Brief shot of trash falling into scow.]

1st Man: [points] Well, that dark land you seegoin’ across the whole of the river down there –that’s Staten Island. On the far side from here,that’s where the scows go.

[We hear bluesman Jimmy Smith’s version of “Got MyMojo Working” as we see a tugboat ferry a scow to thedump and various heavy machinery at the dump haulinghuge metal dumpsters of garbage.]

Jimmy Smith: [sings]
Well, I tried in New York City!
Oh ho, oh, I’m gonna try it on you!
Oh, yeah — work my rooster!

[At a salvage yard. Piles of salvageable material infront of a trailer.]

Salvage Worker 1: We have a contract with thecity of New York. We have men pickin’ – pickin’material right up – right off the dump, right out o’the dump. Glass, ferrous metals, non-ferrous metals,you know, brass, copper, steel, iron.

John: [leaning on a truck marked “sanitation”]Ah, this is part o’ the scrap that we get down at thedump. Eventually, it’ll be cut up, sold forscrap.

Salvage Worker 2: [petting a dog] We found himout here on the dump. Somebody dropped him off. He’sonly five months old now. He was a pup when we raisedhim – from out here. Well, we got him out o’ the dumpand, first thing that came to us, we called him”Dumpy.”

[Dissolve to a long panning shot of a gigantic garbagedump in Staten Island — nothing but garbage as far asthe eye can see. Over this, we hear voices:]

Interviewer: What do they call this up here,John?

John: This is the Brookfield Land Dump.

Interviewer: You know how wide it is?

John: It’s about six miles around.

Interviewer: Now, they say it’s the largest,uh, landfill dump in the world, right?

John: It is. It is. The largest in theworld.

Interviewer: You been in business about twentyyears now.

John: About twenty years.

[Finally, the pan ends on the Interviewer wearing aface mask. He talks with John who stands nearbywithout a mask.]

Interviewer: Tell me, John, how do you standthe smell here?

John: Smells good today. Wait till the summerwhen it gets real hot and it’s– Stuff starts cookin’up a little bit. That’s when you can’t stand it. Now,it’s nice.

Interviewer: This doesn’t smell so bad rightnow?

John: Nah. Ain’t that bad.

[Film ends.]

Submitted Anonymously

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Jam Hawkers

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Jane Curtin
…..Chevy Chase
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..John Belushi
…..Garrett Morris

Jane Curtin: . . . And so, with a name like Fluckers, it’s got to be good

Chevy Chase: Hey, hold on a second, I have a jam here called Nose Hair. Now with a name like Nose Hair, you can imagine how good it must be. MMM MMM!!

Dan Aykroyd: Hold it a minute folks, but are you familiar with a jam called Death Camp? That’s Death Camp! Just look for the barbed wire on the label. With a name like Death Camp it must be so good it’s incredible! Just amazingly good jam!

John Belushi: Wait a minute . . . Dog Vomit, Monkey Pus. We offer you a choice of two of the most repulsive brand names of jams you’ve ever heard of. With names like these, this stuff has got to be terrific. We’re talking fabulous jam here!

Chevy Chase: Save your breath fella! Here’s a new jam we’ve just put out. It’s called Painful Rectal Itch. You’d have to go a long way to find a worse name for a jam. And good? MMM WAH! With a name like Painful Rectal Itch you gotta bet that it’s great . . .

Dan Aykroyd: Mangled Baby Ducks. That’s right, Mangled Baby Ducks! Picture a jam so good that you’d dare to call it Mangled Baby Ducks! Great Jam! It’s beautiful jam!

John Belushi: Wait a minute, wait a minute, this is it – 10,000 Nuns and Orphans.

Jane Curtin: 10,000 Nuns and Orphans? What’s so bad about that?

John Belushi: They were all eaten by rats! Oh, it’s so good! MMM!

Garrett Morris: Hold it, hold it everyone, your attention please, I have here a jam called, Oh God, [mumbles] Ick! Yecch!

Dan Aykroyd: It’s so good it’s sick making!

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s gotta be great jam!

Jane Curtin: So if it’s great jam you’re after, try this one, the brand so disgusting you can’t say it on television. Ask for it by name!

Submitted by: Lisa Kemper

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  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Lie Detector Test

Julie Nixon…..Gilda Radner
David Eisenhower…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on close-up of polygraph machine ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, David, are you ready to get started?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes! I’m ready to get started!

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright. Now: Is it true that your name is David Eisenhower?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ annoyed ] Julie, why can’t you just trust me? Why do I have to take a lie detector test?! Why couldn’t I just —

Julie Nixon V/O: David, just answer Yes or No!

David Eisenhower V/O: [ irritably ] Yes! My name is David Eisenhower!

Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you’re 29 years old?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!

Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you’re the son-in-law of Richard Nixon?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!

Julie Nixon V/O: And is it true that you were privy to a lot of family secrets during my father’s term in office?

David Eisenhower V/O: Well, sure! But I —

Julie Nixon V/O: Do you know Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yeah. But I know a LOT of reporters!

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy was going bananas?

David Eisenhower V/O: NO!

[ the needles jump slightly ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Dad used to say “Good night” to the portraits hanging in the White House?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ innocently ] Did he do that?

Julie Nixon V/O: [ sternly ] Yes or No, David!

David Eisenhower V/O: No! Never!

[ the needles jump a little higher ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy and Mommy never — well… you know — for fourteen years?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ aggravated ] Didn’t what for fourteen years?!

Julie Nixon V/O: Well… what you and I did on our honeymoon.

David Eisenhower V/O: [ thinking ] Watched “Adam-12”?

Julie Nixon V/O: Noooo. After that! At night. You remember.

David Eisenhower V/O: Gosh… no. I wouldn’t tell anybody anything like that.

[ the needles jump higher ]

David Eisenhower V/O: H-how’m I doing?

Julie Nixon V/O: Fine.

David Eisenhower V/O: Good!

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, one more question.

David Eisenhower V/O: [ relieved ] Only one more? That’s too bad! This is fun!

[ the needles jump slightly ]

Julie Nixon V/O: David… do you want a divorce?

David Eisenhower V/O: No.

[ the needles jump, roughing up some of the edges of the printout ]

Julie Nixon V/O: You twerp. We could never get divorced, anyway.

David Eisenhower V/O: Why not?

Julie Nixon V/O: It would be terrible for Daddy’s image.

[ fade ]

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  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Ron Nessen’s Monologue

…..Ron Nessen
NBC Page…..Neil Levy

President Gerald R. Ford: [ on tape ] Ladies and gentlemen… the Press Secretary to the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Home Base, as Ron Nessen runs down the steps ]

Ladies and gentlemen — Ron Nessen!

Ron Nessen: Uh, thank you very much. I guess, uh — I guess a lot of you are wondering why the presssecretary to the President is acting as the host on a live, late night comedy show. Well, actually, this is not very different from my daily press briefing at the White House. A lot of people probably don’t understand exactly what it is that a press secretary does. It’s my job to take complicated, high-level events… and take the jargon of politics and simplify it, and tell it to the press, who then pass it on to the public. And to do my job effectively, I’ve learned a few phrases that make this job easier. Phrases like: “What the President really said was…” Or: “What the President really meant was…” Or: “what the President really bumped into was…” [ the audience applauds ] Or: “What the President mispronounced was….” These are some phrases that I’ve, uh, used quite a lot on this job. I do have, I think, a good relationship with the President, and I usually know what he means even before he says it. It’s after he says it that I get in trouble. It is a rewarding job, as I’ve learned a lot about aspects of the government that I had never considered before, like, uh, how to remove a neck tie from a helicopter rotor blade — while he’s still wearing it. And, uh, how to take stairs a flight at a time. Things like that.

NBC Page: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Ziegler?

Ron Nessen: No, no — I’m Nessen.

NBC Page: Oh. I’m sorry. It’s the telephone for you, sir.

Ron Nessen: Oh?

NBC Page: It’s the White House.

Ron Nessen: Oh! He’s watching. [ he grabs the phone ] Hello…? Yes, Operator, I’ll accept the charges… [ a beat ] Yes, Mr. President. You’re watching the show…. and you heard the monologue… and you had it explained to you. [ pause ] Betty thinks it’s funny. Good. [ a beat ] I’m fired. [ he laughs ] I thought you said I’m fired. [ pause ] You said I’m fired. Oookay. Uh, thank you, Mr. President.[ Nessen hangs up the phone and hands it back to the NBC Page, who then exits the stage ]

Ron Nessen: Well… you see, the President said, “Ron, you’re fired.” Well, I think I know how his mind works, and I think I, uh, I think I understand what he really thinks of this show, and, uh, the things they do and the fun they make of him, and Chevy Chase and the other people who appear on it. So, I think when the President said, “Ron, you’re fired,” uh, what he really meant was, “Ron, you’re fired.” Good night, Mr. President. We’ll be right back after this message.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Ford/Nessen

President Gerald Ford…..Chevy Chase
…..Ron Nessen

[ open on interior, Oval Office ]

President Gerald Ford: [ calling out ] Ron?

Ron Nessen: [ looks confused for a moment ] Right here, sir.

President Gerald Ford: [ sits behind desk ] Ahh.. what can I do for you, Ron?

Ron Nessen: Sir, I’ve been asked to host “Saturday Night”.

President Gerald Ford: Host of what, Ron?

Ron Nessen: NBC’s “Saturday Night”. It’s a new television show.

President Gerald Ford: Did you sign a contract, Ron? If you signed a contract, they have to pay you.

Ron Nessen: Mr. President, before I sign a contract, I need your approval. You see, sometimes they poke a little fun at you on the show, it’s all in good fun. I think it would be a good idea to show that you can take a joke.

President Gerald Ford: Ha, ha! That’s very funny, Ron!

Ron Nessen: [ confused, pause ] And that’s why I want to host this show.. to demonstrate that this administration has a sense of humor. You may remember in 1968, Nixon said, “Sock it to me” on “Laugh-In”, and it may have made the difference in the election.

President Gerald Ford: He won, didn’t he, Ron?

Ron Nessen: Yes, he did, sir.

President Gerald Ford: [ chuckles to himself ] By golly, he was funny then, and he’s funny now. He’s a funny man, Ron.

Ron Nessen: Yes, sir.

President Gerald Ford: That’s why I gave him a break, Ron. [ to stuffed dog on floor ] Stop that infernal noise, Liberty! [ to Ron ] Well, by all means do the show.

Ron Nessen: Thank you, sir. Now, the producer suggested you might like to do something on the show yourself.

President Gerald Ford: Well, I can take a joke just so far.. [ stands up and walks behind desk ] ..but I won’t have this high office ridiculed. I won’t have me stumbling around.. [ walks into window ] ..making a fool of myself.. [ walks into flag and fumbles with it, trying to keep it from falling ] ..for some late night comedy show. [ picks up football helmet and puts it on ] I don’t need to prove that I can fall down like Chevy Chase or be an athlete. Everyone knows I’m an athlete. [ accidentally kicks wastepaper basket and chases it, soon giving up and returning to his desk ] I’ll never forget those wonderful days.. [ picks up tennis racket, throwd it in the air to try and catch it, but misses. Walks over to “Liberty”, cups his hand near the dog’s tail ] Gimme the ball, Liberty! [ takes off helmet, tries to drop-kick it but misses. Returns to desk and sits down ] Why don’t you brief me on my schedule tomorrow, Ron?

Ron Nessen: Alright, sir. [ looks at schedule ] You’ll be awakened at 5:30 AM in the usual manner.

President Gerald Ford: Ron, I’m getting pretty tired of the twenty-one gun salute which Dick Nixon instituted. Couldn’t someone just speak in my ear or set the alarm clock?

Ron Nessen: We tried the alarm clock at the beginning, if you remember, sir. When it went off, you answered the telephone and broke your ankle. I guess we should have briefed you on that. You see, sir, the telephone is the one that has the series of short staccato rings, and the alarm clock is the long continuous ring.

President Gerald Ford: Well, never mind that now, go on.

Ron Nessen: [ reading list, as Ford checks his own ] 6:17, shave and brush your teeth. 6:28, yawn and stretch. 6:30, get out of bed. 7:05, break the water glass by the sink and Mrs. Ford’s shampoo bottle by mistake. 7:12, tumble down the stairs. 9:00 – well, do you remember the cow in Wisconsin, Mr. President?

President Gerald Ford: The one that made the doody on my suit, Ron? Yes.

Ron Nessen: Yes, well, at 9:00 you’re going to give a medal to the secret service man who wrestled the cow to the ground.

President Gerald Ford: Let’s get to the point here. When is the Easter Egg Hunt?

Ron Nessen: That’s at 9:30, sir.

President Gerald Ford: Well, I better hang the kids’ stockings and get ready..

Ron Nessen: I’m sorry, Mr. President, but that’s the wrong holiday. I think we probably should have briefed you on this before.

President Gerald Ford: Oh, that’s alright, Ron, you’re pardoned. Ha, ha! Oh, one other thing. As you know, Liberty is expecting puppies. now, I’ve launched a full-scale investigation into this thing. You have nothing to do with it, do you, Ron?

Ron Nessen: No, sir.

President Gerald Ford: That’s good. I know it’s lonely at the top, but we can’t have this type of shenanigans going on here. Maybe I should call Daniel Schorr to see what he knows. [ picks up stapler instead of phone and staples his ear. Ron takes stapler away from him ] Thank you, Ron. Now, what can we tell the press about this mess Liberty has gotten us into?

Ron Nessen: Sir, we could call the puppies our “Ethnic Treasures”.

President Gerald Ford: A very good idea, Ron. I think I’ll write that down. [ starts writing on the back of his hand ]

Ron Nessen: Mr. President, you’re signing your hand again, sir.

President Gerald Ford: Well, I can always veto that later. So will you take care of those things for me, Ron?

Ron Nessen: [ gets up to exit ] Right away, Mr. President. And we did as you asked and hid John Connally’s Easter Egg under Rocky’s chair in the Executive Office Building. [ exits Oval Office ]

President Gerald Ford: [ looking around ] Ron? [ looks at stuffed dog ] Roll over, Liberty! [ dog falls over ]

[ pan out over audience, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Nude Easter Egg Roll” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

The New Army

Lt. Col. Scott Shuman…..John Belushi

[ open on The Army’s “We Want You” poster, with Captain Kirk’s head in place of Uncle Sam’s ]

[ pan down to Lt. Col. Scott Shuman with headphones on, playing air guitar in his chair ]

Lt. Col. Scott Shuman: Hi! I’m Lt. Col. Scott Shuman! Hi! Oh. [ he removes his headphones ] Oh, I’m sorry. Hi. I’m Lt. Col. Scott Shuman, with a word about today’s New Army. You know, today’s Army sure has gone through a lot of changes from when your old man was into it.

[ he notices a bag of marijuana on his desk, and promptly scrapes it away ]

Oh… I’m sorry.

[ he takes a final drag on a joint on his desk, then pushes it to the floor and continues ]

‘Cause now — now — it’s an all volunteer Army. I mean… you don’t have to be there, if you don’t want to. I mean, if you don’t want to… that’s cool. Uh, you have your own life to lead… you have stuff to do. But so do we. [ suggestively ] The BEST stuff an Army helicopter can carry in from all over the world!

And you know —

[ he jerks around, paranoid that someone is behind him ]

Uh — and you know, the New Army is the armed forces’ real high. If you get into things like air defense artillery, you get a personal set of heat-seeking laser weapons… plus, like, a whole bunch of missiles… radar trackers… anti-aircraft systems — all on WHEELS, maaaan! You can even be a paratrooper! And that’s the most fun you can have with your pants on. Believe me, I know, man!

So… [ he picks up his headphones and places them over his ears ] join today’s Army. Because… every burst of gunfire has all the colors in the rainbow.

[ he leans back in his chair, falling backward ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “The New Army. A Joint Venture That WAnts To Join You.”

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Press Secretaries Through History

Leonid Pushnev…..Ron Nessen

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now: Leonid Pushnev, Press Secretary for Czarina Catherine the Great.

[ dissolve to Leonid Pushnev ]

Leonid Pushnev: Comrades to the Press… I have a tragic announcement to make. Catherine the Great, her Imperial highness, Queen of all Russia… Catherine the Great has been KILLED in a riding accident. We don’t really have any other details, except that she died in the saddle… and, from now on, wll be referred to as Catherine the Mashed. Thank you.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

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