Category: 1975

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Ron Nessen
Mr. Peanut…..Garrett Morris

[ open on “Tomorrow” set ]

Tom Snyder: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the “Tomorrow” show. Our guest tonight is Mr. Ron Nessen, press secretary to the President of the United States. Now, for those of you who might not know what’s going on here, I’m just gonna explain what this thing is all about, give you some background information. Mr. Nessen is the press secretary to, uh, President Ford. Now, the other fellow was a guy who got in trouble with the Watergate thing. That whole thing blew up, and, well, we all know what happened there. That, uh — President Ford is a guy who stands a very good chance of being elected by due electoral process this coming year. And Ron is, of course, the second Ron in a row to hold that office in the White House. Ron Number Two, but, in fact, Number One now. How the heck are ya’, sir?

Ron Nessen: Fine. Thank you very much, Tom.

Tom Snyder: Uh — now, Ron, uh — you and I know that the White House is in Wadhington, and, of course, you work there, so you live there, I guess. Maybe you can — maybe you can throw some light on a subject that’s been, well, bugging me for some time now. What’s all this crazy business in Washington about taxis having no meters and customers having to pay according to districts instead of, you know, regular metered fare?

Ron Nessen: Uh — well, Tom, uh — I understand that there were meters in most of the taxis —

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir?

Ron Nessen: — up until the, uh, last days of the Nixon administration. President Nixon had them all removed, because, although he never took taxis himself, still, he felt they were overcharging.

Tom Snyder: Mmm-hmm. I see, sir. You know, as well as working here on this popular late-night program, I also do a minute of prime-time news every night on the network, and everyone knows this, of course. Uh — they work me hard here, I sometimes do local news. You know, I’m a workhorse here, I perform a lot of functions, and I’m in the news. But, even with that one minute of exposure every night, you know — [ he gasps ] sometimes I don’t know WHAT the heck’s going on, you know? How does a guy like you, who has to brief the press corps — how does a guy like you keep up with it?

Ron Nessen: Well, uh, I read, uh, the Village Voice every week… and I also know Dan Schorr personally.

Tom Snyder: I see. Okay. I’ll buy that. I’ll buy that. Uh, now, you know you hear a lot of stories in the press about, you know, these wild parties in Washington, and the stories, rumors, what have you, about the sex lives of presidents and all that stuff. Now, is there any truth — the whole Tidal Basin bomshell, is that such a big, darn ting, you know? Is there any truth about these wild parties and call girls in our nation’s capitol?

Ron Nessen: Tom — well, no. No, not as far as I know, definitely not. Now, of course, I speak mainly for myself —

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir.

Ron Nessen: — and, uh, you know, I — and as everyone in WAhington knows — President Ford, and the people at this White House, normally go to sleep at about nine o’clock every night. Uh — we usually have our milk and cookies at the Oval Office, and then, if we’ve been good, the President will read us two or three of his favorite ghost stories from “Grand Rapids’ Greatest Ghosts”. Then, when we go up to the White House dorm, and the President comes and tucks us all in. Now, if we’ve been extra good, then he’ll let us camp out in the Rose Garden with the tents and the sleeping bags and everything like that.

Tom Snyder: Mmm-hmm. [ excited ] So, there it is, everybody! You heard it, everybody! There it is! All the tales and rumors about that wild stuff in Washington is just a load of — of — [ daring himself to shock ] BULL!! I said it! I don’t care! I said it! BULL!! [ proudly ] I said it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha!

[ Nessen reaches an arm to control Snyder’s excitement ]

Tom Snyder: Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m gonna ask you a question now, sir, uh — Mr. Nessen — Ron — You’re out there, you know, every day fielding questions — and, I might say, sir, you do a VERY good job of it! Uh — what do you do, Ron, when somebody hands you a really DUMB question?

Ron Nessen: [ he rolls his eyes slightly ] Well, uh — well, usually, what I do is I just completely ignore them.

Tom Snyder: Just ignore them?

Ron Nessen: Yeah. [ he turns his head away ]

Tom Snyder: Just COMPLETELY ignore them? JUst… kinda… make them look like kinda — [ he catches on to what Nessen is doing, and begins to laugh at his own gullibility ] Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! [ he finally stops ] Thank you very much, Mr. Nessen, for being with us. [ he turns to the camera ] Our nexxt guest — of course, tomorrow, the whole show, we’re gonna deal with, uh, that, uh — [ he grinds his cigarette butt into an ashtray ] controversial, uh, homosexual, uh, breeder of, uh, reptiles, and, uh — also, he’s a fast food chain owner. But, uh, right now, I’m gonna bring out a very special guest we’ve got here with us tonight. This is, uh, Jimmy Carter’s campaign manager —

[ Nessen has since his left his seat, as a costumed Mr. Peanut enters the set and shakes Snyder’s hand ]

Tom Snyder: Hello. How are ya’? We’re very, very pleased to have you with us, sir, and, uh, we’re gonna be talking with him, but, uh, right now, let’s go to our Home Movie.

[ cut to Snyder’s teddy bear sitting on the floor in front of a fern with stufed bunnies surrounding him on the floor. The art card on the bear’s lap reads “Home Movie”. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Boyardee…..Ron Nessen
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Don’t be silly. I don’t care if you go out with him. Just don’t touch him there. [ he looks up to see the camera on him ] Gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.

[ cut to pre-taped footage of President Gerald R. Ford ]

President Gerald R. Ford: Good evening. I’m Gerald Ford, and you’re not.

[ cut back to Chase, shaking his head ]

Chevy Chase: That late-breaking story, just out of Washington. Doctors say the President is almost completely over his identity crisis, but should continue the therapy daily.

In a related story, a reporter from Underachievers Weekly interviewed Gerald R. Ford the other day and asked him what the “R” stood for. The President replied, quickly, “That’s simple — the “R” is there to separate my first name from my last name.”

Funeral services for billionaire recluse Howard Hughes have taken place in Houston, Texas. Due to his complicated tax structure, Hughes was buried along with three Internal Revenue agents assigned to continue the IRS investigation. Rumors have been denied at the highest level that the billionaire has left a wake-up call for early July.

And it was disclosed late today that Hughes’ will has been discovered, and that, inexplicably, he left his entire estate to movie actor Warren Beatty.

Still battling over the connatations derived by the press over his use of the term “ethnic purity”, Jimmy Carter, today, denied that he was only referring to Arayan and Nordic neighborhoods. He says he is firing his speechwriter, Bernie Goebbels, at a campaign rally in Poland, Pennsylvania. The former governor appeared optimistic about the outcome of the next primary, saying, “Today, Poland; tomorrow, the world.”

Meanwhile, the candidate’s brother, Ruben “Hurricane” Carter, said he is ready to endorse his fraternal twin, and, as a show of good faith, will dye his head for Easter.

Doing his bit to aid the nation’s fuel shortage, President Ford, this morning, left the Andrews Air Force Base on foot.

Sen. Fred Harris, of Oklahoma, announced at a press conference last Thursday that he is ending his active campaign for the Democratic nomination. Aides complained that Harris had not received the same amount of news coverage as other candidates. Later, he was asked by the press who he was and what he wanted there.

Henry Jackson, today, insisted that he is not boring, and will continue to not be boring in the future. He is seen here demonstrating his charisma by holding a cabbage.

Well, in San Clemente, former President Nixon is hard at work writing his memoirs, to be published in 1977 in a two-volume set. In the first volume, he will tell the whole story, and, in the second volume, he will deny it.

Here is a just released photograph — taken the night before he resigned — of former President Nixon and his former dog, Tricky. After thinking about it for eighteen months, President Ford has issued a full pardon for the dog.

Chevy Chase: Well, the political shake-up in Spain continues, following the death earlier this year of Generallisimo Francisco Franco. For a live report, let’s go now to Madrid, and correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine standing with FRanco’s press secretary in front of a cathedral ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m standing with the press secretary to the late Generallisimo Francisco Franco, who has just had a press conference, in which he made what he considers to be an important statement. Mr. Boyardee?

Mr. Boyardee: Well, I have simply stated to the press, as I have in the past, that the Generallisimo’s condition is still very grave. BUT — and I would like to emphasize this — it is stable, at this time.

Laraine Newman: Mr. Boyardee, uh — Franco is dead, is he not?

Mr. Boyardee: Uh, yes. He is. Uh — but I didn’t say that he wasn’t dead. I just said he was stable.

Laraine Newman: Well, do you foresee any modification in his attitudes?

Mr. Boyardee: Uh, no. I, uh, don’t think there’s going to be any changes in his condition.

Laraine Newman: Mr. Press Secretary, I’ve noticed that you have no detectable accent.

Mr. Boyardee: Yes. Uh, that is correct. And neither does the Generallisimo.

Laraine Newman: I see. Back to you, Chevy.

[ return to Chase ]

Chevy Chase: Laraine Newman.

SLA member Emily Harris is reported to be in satisfactory condition in a California hospital, after suffering what doctors call a spontaneous pneumocerobrosis. Or, a collapsed brain.

Ronald Reagan said today that since Red Dye #2 is considered suspicious by the Federal Drug Administration — [ he stops ] Food & Drug Administration — he is willing to try regular coffee on his hair instead.

And, in sports, Honest Pleasure said Thursday that he feels strongly he’s an easy winner in the Kentucky Derby this year.

Chevy Chase: Still to come: Boy dynamites Easter Bunny, after this filmed message.

[ fade out to Up Against the Wallpaper, then fade back ]

Chevy Chase: California penal authorities have announced the release from prison of Charles Manson, saying that Manson is now completely rehabilitated, and is no threat to society unless society crosses his path.

“Weekend Update” recognizes its responsibility to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here, with an editiorial reply, is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What’s all this fuss I’ve been hearing about the 1976 presidential erection? Now, I know they erected a monument for Mr. Lincoln and President Washington, but that’s because they’re DEAD! Hopefully, the 1976 President won’t be DEAD! So he won’t NEED an erection! If Americans are going to spend money to erectanything, why don’t we tear down those nasty slums and erect luxury high rises for poor people and seniorcitizens! Not for presidents who can afford to pay for their OWN erections!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella —

Emily Litella: I can’t believe the way things are turning out in this country — what?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. That’s election. The editorial was about the presidential election, not the presidential erection. Election.

Emily Litella: Oh, that’s very different.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ smiling ] Never mind.

Chevy Chase: And that’s the news. Good night. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 24th, 1976

Racquel Welch

Phoebe Snow

John Sebastian

The Muppets

Lorne Michaels

Michael O’Donoghue

Alan Zweibel
Awards SketchSummary: Chevy Chase is angered by a request to hurry through his well-written sketch to do the fall.

Transcript

Montage

Raquel Welch’s MonologueSummary: Racquel Welch and Joe Cocker (John Belushi) sing “Superstar.”

Recurring Characters: Joe Cocker.

Purina Rat ChowSummary: The Pied Piper (Chevy Chase) promotes Purina Rat Chow to a slum couple (Gilda Radner, Garrett Morris) who are concerned about the lack of rats in their apartment.

The DecabetSummary: Joseph Franklin (Dan Aykroyd) introduces the new metric alphabet.

Recurring Characters: Joseph Franklin.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: While flirting with Raquel Welch, Scred and Ploobis are told they’ve been fired from the show. Chevy Chase tries to convince Raquel to remove her shirt.

Transcript

Phoebe Snow performs “All Over”

The Claudine Longet InvitationalSummary: Sports footage showcasing skiers falling down alleges their accidentally being shot by Claudine Longet.

Transcript

Great Moments In Herstory

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman analyzes election results. Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) admits that Tom Snyder’s hair bothers her. John Belushi rants about the weather.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Bisexual Moment

John Sebastian performs “Welcome Back”Recurring Characters: Joe Cocker.

Beatles OfferSummary: Lorne Michaels offers a check for $3,000 for The Beatles to appear on SNL.

Note: According to legend, John Lennon and Paul McCartney were watching SNL together, and considered it might be fun to take Lorne Michaels up on his offer. Neil Levy was actually dispatched to the lobby in case any members of The Beatles did show up and weren’t recognized by the elderly security guard. Had any of The Beatles show up, Michaels said the joke would have entailed their not being able to play because union rules wouldn’t allow them to use studio equipment. Michaels ups the ante a few episodes later, and gag references would be made in later years when George Harrison and Paul McCartney appeared individually as musical guests.

Transcript

One Flew Over The Hornet’s NestSummary: Nurse Ratched (Raquel Welch) won’t let the Bees watch the Academy Awards on TV.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Gilda’s Equal Time

Gary Weis Film

Phoebe Snow performs “Two-Fisted Love”

Raquel Welch performs “Ain’t Necessarily So”

The MuppetsSummary: The Mighty Favog convinces Scred and Ploobis to pack it in and quit SNL.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

Awards Sketch

…..Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: And now, our final category! In the category of Best Performance By An Actor In A Political Campaign, the nominees are: Jimmy Carter, for his use of the term “ethnic purity”; Henry Jackson, for the most forgettable stance on any issue; Ronald Reagan, for not making any more movies; Gerald Ford, for shortening the nation’s attention span; George Wallace, for his undying devotion to civil rights; Morris Udall, for his clever choice of the name “Moe”; Hubert Humphrey, for his new, fresh, young idealism; Jerry Brown, for ring around the collar; and Edward M. Kennedy, for his form decision not to run – yet.

May I have the envelope, please? [ envelope is handed from off-stage ] Thank you. [ opens envelope ] And the winner is.. [ reading card, confused ] What is this, “Get to the fall, Chevy”? I don’t believe this.. uhh.. look, I wrote – excuse me. I wrote this piece, this is suposed to be the punchline to the piece – the punchline on the card. I’m a writer. I’m not just the guy who falls and does this newscaster, and, frankly, I’m hurt, and I don’t think it’s funny. And, um.. I’ mean, I’m a political satirist, not some guy who just falls for you guys around here – producer Lorne Michaels. And I’d like the correct card, in the correct envelope. You know, there’s a punchline to this sketch, I’d like the right tag, please, if you don’t mind. I’m sorry. I’ll wait.. I’ll wait. I’d like the right card. I’ll wait. Sorry to keep the country waiting. This is not my idea. I will wait for the envelope, for the punchline.

[ new envelope is handed to Chevy, he seizes it from the stagehand ]

And the winner is.. [ reads card ] “Don’t stretch this out, Chevy, get to the fall..” [ angry, crumples card ] That is it! I.. I’m.. I’m out of this, I’m walking.. [ starts to exit stage into the path of some folding chairs, then retreats back to re-address the audience ] I’ll tell you something.. I’ll tell you something! I am not just a physical comedian – television comedy – I.. I’m walking.. thank you, I’ve loved doing the show, you’re great people, thanks a great deal!

[ Chevy exits stage, stumbling over the folding chairs that were in his path, and falling down a short flight of stairs to the floor ]

“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

Beatles Offer

Written by: Lorne Michaels

…..Lorne Michaels

Lorne Michaels: Hi, I’m Lorne Michaels, the producer of “Saturday Night”. Right now, we’re being seen by approximately 22 million viewers, but please allow me, if I may, to address myself to just four very special people – John, Paul, George, and Ringo – the Beatles: Lately there have been a lot of rumors to the effect that the four of you might be getting back together. That would be great. In my book, the Beatles are the best thing that ever happened to music. It goes even deeper than that – you’re not just a musical group, you’re a part of us. We grew up with you.

It’s for this reason that I am inviting you to come on our show. Now, we’ve heard and read a lot about personality and legal conflicts that might prevent you guys from reuniting. That’s something which is none of my business. That’s a personal problem. You guys will have to handle that. But it’s also been said that no one has yet to come up with enough money to satisy you. Well, if it’s money you want, there’s no problem here.

The National Broadcasting Company has authorized me to offer you this check to be on our show.. [ holds up check ] ..a certified check for $3,000. Here it is right here. A check made out to you, the Beatles, for $3,000. All you have to do is sing three Beatles songs. “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.” That’s $1,000 right there. You know the words – it’ll be easy.

Like I said, this is made out to the Beatles – you divide it up any way you want. If you want to give less to Ringo, that’s up to you – I’d rather not get involved. I’m sincere about this. If this helps you to reach a decision to reunite, it’s well worth the investment. You have agents – you know where I can be reached. Just think about it, okay? [ shows the check again ] Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Decibet

Joseph Franklin…..Dan Aykroyd

[ Music Open: bouncy Muzak rendition of “The Alphabet Song” ]

Announcer: And now, Mr. Joseph Franklin of the U.S. Council of Standards and Measures.

Joseph Franklin: Thank you. Tonight I’d like to talk to you about how the new metric system of conversion will affect you. This is one in a series of public reeducation programs designed to make Americans aware of the metric conversion to take place in the next ten years. Most Americans already know that the measurement of miles will be discarded in favor of kilometers – a systme of measurement based on the unit of tens and already in use in most of the world. Few people, however, know about the new metric alphabet: the “Decibet”; “deci” from the Greek “ten”, and “bet” from our own “alphabet”. Let’s take a look, shall we? [ holds up large poster of the Decibet ] Now, isn’t that simple? Only ten letters. Twn fingers.. ten letters.

[ holds flip cards ]

Now, let’s take a look at some specifics.

[ shows Card 1 ] A, B, C, and D: our first and most popular letters will remain the same.

[ shows Card 2 ] E and F, however, will be combined and graphically simplified to make one character.

[ shows Card 3 ] The groupings GHI, and..

[ shows Card 4 ] LMNO will be condensed to single letters. Incidentally, a boon to those who always had trouble pronouncing LMNO correctly.

[ shows Card 5 ] And finally, the so-called “trash letters”, or P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z, will be condensed to this easily recognizable dark character.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten! Now, let’s take a look at how this change will affect our daily speech habits.

[ shows card ] In the EF grouping addition, the word “eagle” would remain basically the same in character, but would be pronounced “efaglef”. However, certain words previously beginning with the letter F, like..

[ shows xard ] ..”fish”, would be pronounced with an additional E sound: this, “efish”. “I caught a big efish.”

[ shows card ] “Goat” would remain “goat”.

[ shows card ] “Hotel” will carry the G letter addition, but as in many words beginning with the GH sound, such as “Ghana”, the G would remain silent; thus, “hotel”. However, words beginning wih I..

[ shows card ] .. as in “industry”, will be pronounced “gindustry”. The meaning will remain the same. LMNO’s grouping is similar.

[ shows card ] “Mucus” will be LMNOucus”.

[ shows card ] “Light” would remain “light”.

[ shows card ] And “open” would then ne “LMNOpen”, as in, “Honey, would you LMNOpen the door?” Finally, the “trash letters”, or the letters from P to Z, would then make a stop sign appear like this: [ holds up stop sign with unintelligble blotch on it ] So there you have it. We hope to eventually establish the Universal Metric Alphabet in America by 1979. Join me next time, when we explore the changes you’ll be seeing in alphabet soup and spelling bee contest rules. But now, let’s sing the old favorite, the childhood “Alphabet Song”, as we will hear it in the future..

[ singing ] “A, B, C, D, EF.. GHI.. J, K, LMNO.. [ blotch ]”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

Great Moments In Herstory

Jane Russell…..Raquel Welch Howard Hguhes…..Dan Aykroyd Skip Dixon…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] “Great Moments In Herstory”.

[ dissolve to close-up of haystack ]

Female Announcer: [ over text ] “It is the autumn of 1941. Jane Russell is cast in Howard Hughes’ motion picture “The Outlaw.” The mysterious billionaire aviation pioneer proves to her that his skill for design and invention is not only limited to flight aerodynamics.”

[ camera pans over to Jane Russell seated in front of the haystack ]

Jane Russell: Mr. Hughes — Howard — I’ve been waiting three hours and fifteen minutes. If you’re not out here in 10 seconds, you’ll be flying solo tonight!

Voice: Jane! It’s me, Howard. Guess what? Guess what?! Guess what!

Jane Russell: What?!

[ Hughes steps forward ]

Howard Hughes: I’m right here.

Jane Russell: Listen, Boss — you’d better pull this movie together. First you fired the director, hire yourself, then you don’t show up on the set for three weeks. You’re the most unprofessional Texas billionaire I’ve ever met.

Howard Hughes: [ grabbing her waist ] I love you, Jane! I love you! I love you! I have personally attained a land-speed of 565 miles-per-hour. Kiss me, baby!

[ Hughes holds a handkerchief between their lips and kisses Russell, then tosse the handkerchief over his shoulder ]

Jane Russell: Look — I’ve put in a lot of flying time with you, buddy, and you said you’d make me into a big star! Well, I want OUT of this cheap Western!

Howard Hughes: I love you, Jane! And do you know why I love you? I love you because the United States is soon going to be at war with the axis powers, and our love is MUCH more than being able to create a machine gun that can fire 400 rounds of 50-caliber ammunition per second! Ohhh, Jane! Our love is like an industry meeting the needs of war! Sex! War! Sex! War! Sex is what we need to save this picture, Jane!

Jane Russell: Sex? You hermit, I’m Jane Russell! [ she pushes Hughes away ] I’ve got the BEST gazongas in the business!

Howard Hughes: Gazongas. Gazongas! That’s it! A light so powerful, it could deflect off the moon! From relay station to relay station to Earth! Satellites and rockets! Gazongas! Chronic beams bouncing from planet to planet! Gazonga! Gazonga! Our men linked electronically! That’s why I have personally designed a brassiere for you!

Jane Russell: Oh, brother. Well, Boss, I go through bras like you go through socks, so, uh…

Howard Hughes: Well, this one’s going to change the look of women in film, Jane. Skip, bring out the bra! You’re gonna love this one, we’re on our way.

[ Skip wheels out a mechanical bra fitted with propellers ]

Howard Hughes: This is Skip Dixon, my most trusted Mormon welder.

Jane Russell: Howdy.

Howard Hughes: Start it up, Skip!

Skip Dixon: Okay.

[ Skip turns the bra on and the propellers start to spin ]

Howard Hughes: Alright, put it on, honey! [ to Skip ] Cut the motors, cut the motors!

Jane Russell: I can’t wear that thing!

Howard Hughes: Why not? It’s a 72-hour model. Wait’ll you feel the air!

Jane Russell: Well, it hasn’t even been safety-checked yet. My God!

Howard Hughes: Well, then, I’LL put it on! I know this thing is the BEST in its class! I’ve worked DAY and NIGHT to build this thing! Day and night! [ he pulls the bra over his clothes ]

Jane Russell: It needs to be safety-checked, Howard.

Skip Dixon: But, Boss, uh —

Jane Russell: It’s very dangerous, Howard!

Skip Dixon: Uh — uh —

Jane Russell: It could kill us all!

[ Hughes turns the bra on, which causes him to be thrust about the room with the propellers spinning ]

Jane Russell: Oh, my God! Oh!

Skip Dixon: BOSS! BOSS!

Jane Russell: Oh! Oh! Howard!

[ Hughes is wrestled to the ground, as the propellers continue to spin ]

Female Announcer: [ over text ] “Hughes tested the bra unsuccessfully several times. Finally an acceptable model was agreed upon and in 1946 “The Outlaw” was released and Jane Russell became the girl with the golden gazongas.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been another “Great Moment in Herstory”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

…..Raquel Welch
…..Chevy Chase

[ Backstage… Scred and Ploobis sneak in. ]

Scred: C’mon in, chief, the coast is clear.

Ploobis: Rrruhhr? Yeah. Gee, I wonder why they wouldn’t let us in the studio?

Scred: Mmm, I dunno. Probably the guard just didn’t recognize us.

Ploobis: Well, that’s very strange… cause they all know and love us! Everybody loves the Muppets!

Scred: [ unconvinced ] Mmm hmmm.

Ploobis: Here, listen, Scred — [ He grabs Scred by the neck and throttles him ] — We’re loveable! Never forget that, Scred! Mmmrrmm. [ He releases Scred. ]

Scred: Yes, oh affectionate one!

Ploobis: We’ll just have to find somebody and ask ’em when we come in the show, that’s all.

Scred: Hey, here’s somebody now.

[ Guest host Raquel Welch enters. ]

Raquel Welch: Well, hi there! You’re the Muppets, aren’t you?

Ploobis: Uh, yes, yes! That is indeed us, yes.

Raquel Welch: Oh, I always thought you people were so loveable.

Ploobis: Ya hear that, Scred? [ POW! ] That’s true, lady, yeah. We’re known far and wide for being loveable.

Scred: Hey, chief, that lady is Raquel Welch!

[ Ploobis turns and checks her out. ]

Ploobis: Oh… oh, yeah. Well, uh, ahem. Yeah. You sure are Raquel Welch… all over, aren’t you. Ahmmm.

[ Scred strokes her arm. ]

Scred: Feels like Raquel Welch, too!

Raquel Welch: Careful, there.

Ploobis: Uh. You know, uh. Ahem. You know, we Muppets are very, very loveable. I mean. [ He snuggles up to her. ]

Scred: [ whispering in her ear ] Relax, baby. Relax.

Ploobis: You know, as a matter of fact, until you’ve made it with a Muppet, uh…

[ Applause. Raquel laughs. ]

Raquel Welch: Uh, uh… wait a minute, lover. Are you talking about making love to me?

[ Ploobis and Scred giggle. ]

Ploobis: Well, uh… heh heh…

Raquel Welch: Because — you guys are just puppets, right? I mean, you don’t even exist below the waist.

Ploobis & Scred: Uh… well…

[ They look down, nervously. ]

Raquel Welch: I mean, all you are is the top half of a person, right?

Ploobis: Well, uh… yeah, but, uh…

Raquel Welch: So that kind of makes you just a lot of talk. All talk, right?

Scred: Well, I’m pretty good with my hands!

Raquel Welch: I’ve noticed.

[ Chevy Chase enters. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh… I’m sorry, boys. Ploobis, Scred?

Scred: Yeah?

Chevy Chase: You’re not on this week, I’m sorry.

Ploobis: Yeah, but we’re supposed to be… we work this show…

Chevy Chase: Yeah, I know, but I guess you didn’t get the call. I’m sorry, Raquel — is everything okay?

Raquel Welch: Oh, yeah, it’s okay. They’re just all talk anyway.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Hunnh. I’m leaving!

[ Ploobis exits. ]

Raquel Welch: Awww…

Scred: Oh, uh… I’m sorry about this, Raquel. And, uh, by the way, I just want to apologize for what I said before, because I can see you get hit on all the time.

Raquel Welch: Yeah, but never by a Muppet before.

Scred: Oh, well, if you’d like my number —

[ Chevy grabs Scred’s snout. ]

Chevy Chase: Scred? Scred? You’re not on this week. Okay?

[ He pushes Scred offstage. ]

Chevy Chase: I’m very sorry about that. They didn’t know, nobody gave them the call — I think the bees or the sharks are on, or something’s on, but you’re doing very well so far, everybody loves the show, the song was great, and uh, all I can say is, relax, and, uh, take your shirt off.

Raquel Welch: Well…

Chevy Chase: Well, Raquel, this is your right as an American. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do that.

Raquel Welch: All right. I don’t have to, right?

Chevy Chase: No, you don’t have to.

Raquel Welch: Cause this is a tasteful show with a lot of class, right?… Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to introduce to you a lovely lady, in fact, a genius in the world of contemporary music, Miss Phoebe Snow…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

[ Backstage, in a cobwebby corridor. Scred and Ploobis enter. ]

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! Are you in here anywhere?

[ Just offstage, The Mighty Favog coughs. ]

The Mighty Favog: I’M OVER HEAH!

Scred: He’s over here, chief.

Ploobis: I heard his voice…

Scred: Yeah, yeah. Oh wow!

[ They find The Mighty Favog sitting on a crate, abandoned and covered in cobwebs. ]

Ploobis: Oh! Oh, Mighty Favog!

The Mighty Favog: TALK TA ME.

Ploobis: Listen. Things are in a terrible state?

The Mighty Favog: YER TELLIN’ ME?

Ploobis: Listen. Our land of Gorch is gone forever.

Scred: Yeah, they burned our scenery.

Ploobis: They burned our scenery… we’re no longer booked on the show… and they said, they said we’re puppets, and we don’t even have a lower half. So what do we do?

The Mighty Favog: DON’T LOOK DOWN.

Scred: Ohhh… This is terrible! Our world is coming to an end!

The Mighty Favog: YA WANT YER GOD’S ADVICE?

Ploobis & Scred: Oh, please! Please!

The Mighty Favog: DON’T BEG… MY ADVICE IS —

Ploobis: Yeah?

The Mighty Favog: FORGET IT.

Scred: Huh?

Ploobis: Forget it? What do you mean, forget it?

The Mighty Favog: I MEAN FORGET IT. PACK IT IN. QUIT.

Scred: Oh, no. No, no.

Ploobis: We can’t do that.

The Mighty Favog: SURE YA CAN. LISTEN. YOU’RE ONLY PUPPETS. YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK.

Ploobis: Oh! Oh! Scred — I can’t handle this, Scred.

Scred: Oh, Mighty Favog… where’s the trunk.

The Mighty Favog: IT’S RIGHT OVER THERE.

Ploobis: Oh, no! Not the trunk, anything but the trunk!

The Mighty Favog: IT DON’T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK. PUPPETS DON’T HAVE FEELINGS.

Ploobis: Oh… do you believe this is really happening?

The Mighty Favog: JUST OPEN IT UP, AND GET RIGHT IN…

Ploobis: It’s latched… just a sec…

[ They try to open a big prop trunk, but they have trouble… ]

The Mighty Favog: YA CAN’T OPEN IT, YOU’RE PUPPETS!

Ploobis: We’ll get it in a minute!

Scred: Just rip it open! You’re strong.

[ They manage to get the trunk open. ]

Scred: Oh, look! Everybody else is already in here! Hiya, Wisss! Haven’t seen you since November.

Ploobis: Oh, look at that.

[ Peuta pops up in the trunk. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! Where have you been?

Ploobis: Oh, it’s been one of those days, Peuta.

Scred: Everybody shove over, we’re comin’ in…

Peuta: Oh! Ploobis! You can’t get in here! There’s no room to breathe!

Ploobis: Peuta… you’re a puppet. You don’t breathe, you’re not alive.

Peuta: What?

Ploobis: Oh, I don’t want to talk about it. Just get down here…

Scred: Oh! Wait a minute, I’m not in yet!

Ploobis: Get in here, Scred… Oh! There’s Vazh… Hi there, Vazh, how are ya…

[ The trunk closes. The Mighty Favog is the only one left. ]

The Mighty Favog: NOW. IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW… RAHHHHRRR…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Claudine Longet Invitational

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Tryman…..Chevy Chase
Jessica Antlerdance…..Jane Curtin

[ This sketch is a parody of Claudine Longet, an actress and singer who began as Andy William’s wholesome wife and later lived a jet-set lifestyle, known for her trips to Cancun hotels and Dominican Republic hotels in the summer, Vale in the winter as well as flings with playboys. ]

Tom Tryman: Good afternoon, this is Tom Tryman!

Jessica Antlerdance: And this is Jessica Antlerdance!

Tom Tryman: And, of course, we’re here in Vale, Colorado, to cover the Claudine Longet Invitational! This is, of course, a men’s freestyle skiing competition!

Jessica Antlerdance: So, without further ado, let’s go to the slopes. Well, we certainly have a beautiful day for it, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Right you are, Jessica. And, of course, first out will be Helmut Kindle. Helmut is a 24-year-old Frenchman – I’m sorry, he’s a West German. And this is his second run of the day, I believe. He had an initial time of 41.8. Looking very good here.

Jessica Antlerdance: That’s right, Tom. But Helmut injured his ankle last month, and that’s bound to affect his performance here today.

Tom Tryman: He caught an edge there, but he seems to be okay, he’s in good shape.. actually, I think he’s a little..

[ a shot rings out, as Helmut falls into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! He seems to have been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet! Yes.. and I’m afraid Helmut Kindle is out of this race!

Jessica Antlerdance: Yes, it’s a shame, but that’s all part of the exciting world of professional skiing, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Well, he definitely seems out of it, Jessica, and I couldn’t agree more. Now, here comes the man to beat — we’re going to be seeing him in a second. Of course, Jean-Paul Baptiste. A 28-year-old civil engineer from Verne, Switzerland. And he’s strong, he’s agile, he’s got a great deal of power, Jessica.

Jessica Antlerdance: He’ll need all the power he’s got on those mobiles, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Look at the way his legs absorb those shocks, as he manuevers his way down this bumpy terrain. There’s a very nice move there, a lot of spring, he’s really playing this hill.

Jessica Antlerdance: It’s easy to see why he won a Bronze Medal in Innsbrook. He’s a strong skiier, and a fierce competitor.

Tom Tryman: Mmm-hmm! Well, I would have to say, it’s a very fast time up to this point. Uh.. he’s doing very well – and there’s a very nice move – uh.. I would say, at this halfway point, he’s gonig to take third, or maybe even a second-place..

[ a shot rings out, as Jean-Paul falls into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!

[ Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..

[ second shot rings, as Jean-Paul falls back into the show ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he’s down! No, he’s down this time.. no, no! No, he’s getting up!

[ Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in diffivcult situations.

Tom Tryman: I can’t believe he’s going for the finish line.. and –

[ third shot rings out, Jean-Paul is down for good ]

Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again.. again, he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he’s down to stay, Jessica.

Jessica Antlerdance: We’re running a little late, Tom, so let’s just cut to a few highlights of this event.

Tom Tryman: Alright, let’s do that.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh.. here, she mistakenly dropped her gun and it went off.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Uh.. here, she was just showing the gun to a friend.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Yeah.. I think she was just cleaning her gun here, wasn’t she?

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: And, once again, of course, showing the un to a friend.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Here, I think she just put the gun down in the snow, and it went off by mistake.

Jessica Antlerdance: That looked almost like skeet shooting!

[ Tom and Jessica laugh playfully ]

Tom Tryman: You must mean ski shooting!

[ Tom and Jessica laugh more sardonically ]

Tom Tryman: Oh, well. This has been Tom Tryman.

Jessica Antlerdance: And Jessica Antlerdance.

Tom Tryman: Here in Vale, Colorado, at the Claudine Longet Invitiational.

Jessica Antlerdance: Ski shooting, that’s very funny! [ laughs ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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