Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 8th, 1976

Madeline Kahn

Carly Simon

The Muppets

Gary Weis

Paul Shaffer

Howard Shore

Marilyn suzanne Miller



Season 1: Order Now! Reagan’s HipnessSummary: Ronald Reagan (Chevy Chase) demonstrates his hipness by performing a piano piece and abusing a black musician (Garrett Morris).

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Transcript

Montage

Madeline Kahn’s Monologue

Wilderness ComedianSummary: A Las Vegas comedian (John Belushi) performs his act for animals in the wild.

Transcript

Not For Ladies OnlySummary: Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) and Marlene Dietrich (Madeline Kahn) have difficulty understanding each other during an interview.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Slumber PartySummary: Girls (Madeline Kahn, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, Jane Curtain) discuss sex while at a slumber party.

Transcript

Namibia Fondue SetsSummary: African native (Garrett Morris) makes a plea for unwanted fondue sets.

Transcript

The Muppets

“I Feel Pretty”Summary: After being created, the Bride (Madeline Kahn) Of Frankenstein’s Monster sings “I Feel Pretty.”

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) sees nothing wrong with “violins” on television. Chevy Chase repeats the top story for cows.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Super-Absorbent Dry Hose

Carly Simon performs “Half a Chance” & “You’re So Vain”Note: Because Carly Simon was too shy to perform in front of a live audience, her musical appearance was pre-taped.

Note: One of the members of Carly Simon’s band was unable to perform, so Chevy Chase grabbed a cowbell and took his place.

Final DaysSummary: Pat Nixon’s (Madeline Kahn) diary entries chronicle Richard’s (Dan Aykroyd) last days in office.

Recurring Characters: Pat Nixon, Richard Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower, Henry Kissinger.

Note: The photo of Abraham Lincoln calls Richard Nixon a “dip” in the sketch, though, in the original script, he was to use the word “schmuck”, which was censored because it was believed the viewing public associated the word with penis.

Transcript

Gary Weis FilmSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Ray Charles’ “New York’s My Home” accompanies footage of sports fans around the city.

Chinatown

Imitations By KahnSummary: Madeline Kahn and Gilda Radner perform odd imitations.

Madeline Kahn performs “Lost In The Stars”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Samurai Divorce Court

Divorce Lawyer…..Peter Boyle
Futaba…..John Belushi
Mrs. Futaba…..Jane Curtin
Bingo…..Jenny Shapiro

[ open on interior, Divorce Lawyer’s office. He sits solemnly at his desk as he speaks into the intercom. ]

Divorce Lawyer: Miss Kaufman, I’m ready to review the next case. That would be Futaba vs. Futaba. Would you send them in, please?

[ Futaba and Mrs. Futaba quietly enter the office, dressed in their kimonas and gripping their swords at their sides ]

Announcer: And now.. another episode from “Samurai Divorce Court.”

[ title card: “Samurai Divorce Court” ]

Divorce Lawyer: Will you both be seated, please?

[ the Futabas mumble in Japanese grunts as they take their seat in front of the Divorce Lawyer’s desk ]

Divorce Lawyer: Now.. the two of you have been legally separated for one year. And, you know, it always gives me greater satisfaction to see couples who truly care for each other reunite, rather than break up.

[ the Futabas grunt in silent agreement ]

Divorce Lawyer: Yeah. Yeah, I trust that the time that you’ve spent apart has given you an opportunity to, uh.. rekindle the deep affection that obviously exists between the two of you.

[ with that sentiment expressed, the Futabas stand and thrust their samurai swords at one another with a piercing scream. They hold their stance for a moment, then return their swords to their sides and take their seats once again. Futaba makes sure to get the last grunt in. ]

Divorce Lawyer: You know, uh, sometimes marital difficulty is just a, a simple lack of communication.

[ the Futabas grunt angrily at one another ]

Divorce Lawyer: [ to Mrs. Futaba ] Now, you have, uh.. charged him with mental anguish.

[ Mrs. Futaba stands, extends her hands to the Divorce Lawyer, them pounds her fists against her forehead ]

Divorce Lawyer: And, you, Mr. Futaba want a divorce on the grounds of, uh..?

[ Futaba slips his sword out of its case in a coital fashion and promptly slides it back in. Mrs. Futaba screams at him. ]

Divorce Lawyer: Adultery. Adultery. Adultery. Okay. Okay. Now.. I’m gonna say something: after 35 years on the bench, uh, I’ve seen many cases. I think, for the first time, I’m gonna deny this divorce. Because, I think, I don’t want to see the two of you break up.

[ the Futabas jump to their feet and swing their swords to the Divorce Lawyer’s head with primal screams ]

Divorce Lawyer: But.. on the other hand, I won’t. You can have the divorce. Alright, alright.

[ the Futabas return to their seats ]

Divorce Lawyer: Maybe not. Okay. Now, as far as the division of possessions goes – Mrs. Futaba, you have been awarded the car and the house. [ Mrs. Futaba nods ] While, you, sir, have been awarded the boat and Mr. Coffee machine. [ Futaba nods ] Does that suit you both?

[ the Futabas grunt in agreement ]

Divorce Lawyer: Okay. Now, uh.. there are a few items that have not been appropriated yet, so, uh.. [ picks up concertina from desk ] First of all, we have this concertina, that’s, uh, worth quite a fortune because it’s being an old heirloom, and things like that. Now, uh.. have you decided who’s going to get this?

[ both Futabas want the concertina, and neither one’s going to let the other have it without a fight. They stand to scream at one another, until, finally, Mrs. Futaba picks it up and Futaba slices it in half with his sword. Satisfied, they each take their half of the concertina. ]

Divorce Lawyer: Oh. Very good, very good. Very well. [ tugs at a rare piece of art istting on his desk ] Now, this rare piece of art, which is, also in itself, priceless. Have you made a decision on that?

[ of course, neither Futaba will give the piece of art up without a fight, either. Futaba grabs it, swings a drumstick at it twice, then splits it in half by thrusting it at his forehead. Satisfied, they each take their half of the piece of art. ]

Divorce Lawyer: Now, uh.. this breaks my heart, because, uh, life is a compromise, and the two of you exemplify that quite beautifully and unusually.

[ both Futabas are flattered by the statement ]

Divorce Lawyer: Anyway.. we have, through the court, liquidated your mutual assets, and.. here is a check for both of you. [ drops the check on the middle of his desk ]

[ both Futabas lunge for the check, Futaba drawing his sword as Mrs. Futaba holds up her hand ]

Mrs. Futaba: [ diverts her husband’s attention toward the window ] Rook! Godzilla! [ Futaba looks ] Godzilla!

Futaba: [ frantic ] Godzilla?! [ runs to the window, holding his sword menacingly ]

[ Mrs. Futaba draws her sword, and takes two swipes at the check as she cracks the desk in half and sends everything on top of it to the floor. The Divorce Lawyer spins in his swivel chair as he reels in the excitement. The Futabas again take their seats. ]

Divorce Lawyer: [ sighs heavily ] Well, now comes the part that’s, understandable, the hardest. The decision as to who gets the custody of your daughter, Bingo.

[ the Futabas stand with worry, chanting “Bingo! Oh, Bingo, no!” ]

Divorce Lawyer: [ picks up his intercom from the floor ] Miss Kaufman, will you send in the girl, please? [ drops the intercom back to the floor ]

[ the Futabas pace the room, as Bingo rushes in and embraces each of them ]

Bingo: Mama-san! Papa-san!

[ Mr. and Mrs. Futaba each grab one of Bingo’s arms and attempt to pull her closer to themselves ]

Divorce Lawyer: [ walks towards them ] I realize this is a very, very, very hard decision —

[ Futaba draws his sword, and prepares to slice Bingo down the middle, so each parent will have a half. Mrs. Futaba stops him, pointing out that it would be more logical to split Bingo length-wise. With that, Futaba picks Bingo up, lays her across a bookcase along the back wall, then raises his sword high in the air with a loud scream, as the actors in the sketch freeze their actions. ]

[ title card: “Samurai Divorce Court” ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of “Samurai Divorce Court.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Jason & Chloe’s Slideshow

Jason…..Dan Aykroyd
Chloe…..Laraine Newman
Bob…..Peter Boyle
Chinese food delivery boy on slide…..Akira Yoshimura

[ open on interior, Jason and Chloe’s apartment — Chloe meditates on a corner swing as Jason occupies himself at the coffee table. Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” plays in the background. ]

[ the doorbell rings; Jason turns down the stereo and answers the door ]

Bob: [ enters ] Hey, kids — I’m sorry to barge in like this, but, uh, I think I must have gotten another one of your packages by mistake, you know? This is something from the [ reading: ] “Mountain Snow Baby Powder Company in Bolivia”.

Jason: [ half freaking ] That’s mine, man.

Bob: I never knew Bolivia exported baby powder.

Jason: Ohhhh yeah, man — they have a big mail-order business in, like, baby powder and talc, you know?

Bob: Oh. Well, what the heck! Why not just buy it at the corner drugstore?

Jason: Ohhh… well, like… you know, I have this, uh, rash — you know, I’m allergic? I need this special Bolivian baby powder, like, I have to order it special.

Bob: Well, I always figured it might be yours because, you know, last week, that mix-up with the Afghani Astroturf?

Jason: It’s like a, you know, sort of organic turf, like, you can only order in Afghanistan!

Bob: Right… right. Well, you explained last time about your, uh, organic miniature golf course.

Jason: You should try it out sometime — [ he reaches for his package ] I’ll — I’ll take the package…

Bob: Well, look — maybe I should really check this with the Super because it’s only addressed to the Occupant.

Jason: Yeah, th-that’s cool. It’s me, man. It’s cool. [ he grabs the package ]

Bob: Sure, sure, you are the Occupant.

Jason: Chloe! Chloe! [ he acknowledges Chloe on the swing ] She’s meditating, man.

Bob: Oh.

Jason: Chloe! [ Chloe opens her eyes ] Snow White’s back in town.

Chloe: Far out! [ she climbs out of her swing ]

Bob: Hi! I’m Bob.

Chloe: Oh! Far out! Wow! Like, deja vu! Don’t I know you from another lifetime?

Bob: I think you know me from just across the hall.

Chloe: Ohhh! Far out!

[ Jason is now tinkering with a slide projector ]

Jason: Hey, man — you’re just in to catch the slides of our trip.

Bob: Oh. Where did you go?

[ Chloe dims the lights ]

Chloe: Innerspace, Bob!

[ Chloe pushes Bob down onto the couch with them ]

Bob: Oh.

Jason: We dropped some acid, man.

Bob: Oh… well, it’ll probably turn up somewhere. Hey, I can’t stay long, though, you know? I’m gonna taken the wife and kids to see “The Wildnerness Family”.

Jason: Oh… wow.

Bob: It’s a heck of a thing, timber wolves and everything…

Jason: If you’re, uh, into visuals, man, you’re really gonna dig these slides.

Bob: O-kay…

[ first slide: close-up of Chloe drinking water ]

Chloe: Oh, wow! That’s me drinking water!

[ next slide: close-up of record ]

Jason: “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, man! The greatest record EVER made!

Bob: It even looks great!

Jason: Yeah!

[ next slide: close-up of Chloe’s hand on a windowpane ]

Chloe: Ohhh! This is me with my hand on the windowpane? Like, I could really feellll the window’s paaaane. Ohhhh.

[ next slide: Jason’s shoe ]

Jason: Dig this, man! Inside my shoe, my foot is, like, evolving from webbed to furry to hooved to cloven, man!

[ next slide: Jason’s bare foot ]

Jason: But, like, you know — I couldn’t get my shoe off in time to see it, you know? It evolved back into a man’s foot.

Bob: Oh. I know how you feel — I had my back go out on me last Tuesday. Oh, boy.

[ next slide: close-up of Jason’s nipple ]

Jason: [ proudly ] That’s mine!

[ next slide: Chinese food delivery boy ]

Chloe: Ohhh! That’s the Chinese food delivery boy! He really blew me away!

[ next slide: inside of empty Chinese food carton ]

Jason: That’s the Moo Goo Gai Pan carton, man! I gazed in there, you know, and I saw Confucuius and Buddha, man…

Chloe: I saw Mao… and Tao… and Lao. What do you see?

Bob: Oh, I don’t know? How about Huey, Dewey, and Louie? [ he cracks himself up laughing ]

[ next slide: a chocolate cake ]

Chloe: Ohh! That’s the cake I made for a picnic in the park! It was raining, so we left it out on the fire escape.

Jason: We watched it melt for hours, all the sweet cream icing flowing down.

Chloe: I really — I didn’t think I could TAKE it!

Jason: It took SO long to BAKE it, man.

Chloe: And I’ll never have that recipe again.

Bob: Oh, no! Aw, that’s too bad.

[ next slide: Jason rushing ]

Chloe: Oh, that’s Jason rushing, man.

[ next slide: Chloe peaking ]

Jason: Chloe peaking, man.

[ next slide: Jason freaking ]

Chloe: And that’s Jason FREAKING! Ohhhh!

[ next slide: Chloe coming down ]

Jason: Chloe coming down. Man, this trip, you know, really really tripped me. It was the first time I dug rapping with her, you know, as much as I did, you know, making it with her, you know?

Chloe: [ touched ] That’s really beautiful.

[ next slide: close-up of telephone }

[ sound effect: telephone ringing ]

Chloe: MIND-BLOWER!! Like, that picture’s so super-real! I can hear it RINGING!!

Jason: I can hear it, too! What a FLASH!

Bob: Oh, hey — the phone IS ringing!

Jason: Oh. Far out! [ he answers the phone ] Hello? Dog Head! Yeah! Uh… Blizzard in Bolivia. Lights flurries with a nasal mist, man. [ Bob leans in ] It’s not cool now, man. I’ll talk later. [ he hangs up ]

Bob: Oh, hey! [ he laughs ] I gotta run! [ he stands ] The movie… the wife… [ he rushes toward the door ]

Chloe: [ leans up to Bob’s shoulder ] Oh, say, Bob, by the way… are you into the number Three or anything?

Bob: [ uncomfortable ] Oh, the wife… I-I-I-I gotta go meet the wife.

Chloe: Hey, the number Four’s groovy with me, too!

Bob: [ desperate to leave ] Well, hey — we’ll have lunch sometime! We’ll go down to get some burgers! Okay?

Jason: Oh, say, that reminds me, Bob — uh, I’m expecting this package, you know? Like, it’s from Nepal. It’s fudge, from Nepal.

Bob: Ohhh, oh! Reefer fudge! I’d LOVE a taste!

Jason: It’s a special Nepalese fudge — you know, no calories, man?

Bob: Count me in!

Jason: Oh, okay. No problem. You just drop it over if it comes to your place.

Bob: Oh, anyway, I hate to rush — nice slideshow, wonderful —

Chloe: Oh, Bob, tell me one more thing: like, are you ever home during the day?

Bob: W-well… when my work allows it. You see, I’m a prole officer.

Jason: [ jumpy, thrusts his package into Bob’s arms ] Uh, would you take this down to the Super, man?! Okay? Thanks a lot!

[ they shove Bob into the hall and slam the door ]

Jason: Wow. I could use a stiff drink.

Chloe: Really, fer sure.

[ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Midget Whales” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Garrett Morris
…..Laraine Newman
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] No. No, that’s the Butterfly Kiss, with the eyelashes. Butterfly Flick is — [ he sees the camera and quickly hangs up ] I gotta go!

Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you — you are nothing.

Well, the big story tonight is, of course, that it’s St. Valentine’s Day. President Ford celebrated at the White House with the First Family by trimming the tree, hunting for eggs, vetoing a $6.1 billion Public Works employment bill, calling it: “An election year pork barrel” to the confusion of everyone.

Patricia Hearst told her jurors and the world the detailed story of her capture and the torture by the Symbionese Liberation Army. Rhonda Coulet reports from San Francisco.

[ “Artist’s Rendering” footage of classic paintings are revealed throughout the report ]

Rhonda Coluet V/O: The jury in the bank robbery trial of Patricia Hearst heard for the first time today details of her kidnapping from her own lips. The 21-year old heiress described how her apartment was broken in, and she was dragged, bound and gagged, to a waiting vehicle while her boyfriend, Steven Weed, was beaten. The stunned courtroom listened as the defendent tearfully described a nightmare in which she was locked in a closet for more than a month, and was told by SNA leader, Donald DeFreeze: “You’d better be quiet before we blow your head off!” if she didn’t make the tapes he asked for. With customary perfect timing, defense counsel F. Lee Bailey called her to the stand late Friday, and sent her jurors back to a sequestered hotel for a long weekend to ponder the sight and sound of a weakened Patricia Hearst.

[ camera pull out on the “Artist’s Renderings” to reveal Chevy Chase speaking as he holds his nose ]

Chevy Chase: This is Rhonda Coulet reporting. [ he removes his hand from his nose and looks embarrassed to have been revealed ]

Along with millions of other Americans, President Ford watched the Olympics last night and saw Dorothy Hamill of the United States win a gold medal. She leaped into a delayed axle, a wally jump into a double axle, a double toe loop, a camel spin, a double lutz into a backspiral, a double axle, a double sowcow, a split, a double toe loop, and a butterfly, a laidback spin, and delayed double sowcow, a bower spiral into a double lutz, a wally, finally, a split and a camel spin into a split spin, with a spin coming up. The President was heard to respond: Big deal, I did that getting out of my car this morning.”

Chevy Chase: This bulletin just in, from Innsbruck, Austria. For a live on-the-spot report, let’s go now to site of the 1976 Winter Olympics and Update sports reporter Garrett Morris. Garrett? [ the camera holds on Chevy ] Garrett?

Garrett Morris V/O: [ off-camera ] Uh — I’m trying to get in now, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: We’re trying to GET to Garrett Morris, who’s now LIVE at Innsbruck! Garrett?

[ no response, so Chevy picks up his phone to call Garrett, who finally shows up on the monitor behind him ]

Garrett Morris: [ with a blank blue canvas behind him ] Uh — well! The big story here, of course, is the downhill, Chevy. Uh, there is certainly plenty of snow. The temperature is brisk, though not painfully cold, and, all in all, the weather seems ideal. Yet, somehow mysteriously, a pall hangs over the hill here. Uh, there is an emptiness, there is an air about us here that people here are afraid of it. Uncannily, and certainly unaccountably, there are no crowds here. There are no throngs of thousands lining up the slope waiting for that record-breaking 144. And, Chevy, even MORE omninous and inexplicable, the athletes themselves seem to be shying away from the death-defying thrills which are the hallmark of this incredible downhill behind me. Strange, but true. Uh, this is Garrett Morris at Innsbruck.

Chevy Chase: Uh, Garrett? Garrett, can you hear me?

Garrett Morris: Uh — yes. Uh — reading you loud and clear, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Garrett, I may be mistaken, but weren’t the finals in the downhill over just a little bit earlier in the week.

Garrett Morris: Uh — I’ll check on that, Chevy. It’s an interesting point.

Chevy Chase: And, Garrett, were not the entire Olympic games, in fact, over with yesterday, Friday the 13th?

Garrett Morris: Another possibility. I’ll check on that, too.

Chevy Chase: I think that might account for the scarcity of spectators and athletes there. Wouldn’t you say that, Garrett?

Garrett Morris: [ defensively ] Hey, man, what do you wane me to do, baby? Man, what do I know about skiing and snow, Chevy? I could have been covering the Globetrotters in Angola, honky! You know? You and them jive mothers sent me to this, uh, Eskimo club, man! I told you I like warm weather!

Chevy Chase: [ whistling nervously ] Garrett Morris, reporting from Innsbruck!

Garrett Morris: And I’m gonna —

Chevy Chase: CIA Director George Bush has denied reports that the CIA actually planned the recent earthqake in Guatamala, in an attempt to assassinate 18,000 dictators.

Ronald Reagan stated today that he has been wrongly maligned by the press, and the subject of libelous ridicule and gratuitious disrespect by television newsmen. The washed-up, 65-year old ex-actor, who looks almost too pretty for a man his age, and who was bland, at best, in some of the most violent, sexist movies ever made, complained of unfair treatment at a news conference, in which our sources report him as saying: “TV newsmen, in particular, make me out to be simply ignorant on foreign affairs and fiscal matters, and a facetious cowpoke as a public leader.” The silly ex-governor led the news conference early to get fitted for spurs and have his hair polyurethaned.

Michael Corvin, the 20-year old man who thrust a toy pistol at Reagan last November, was indicted by a federal grand jury upon examination of Corvin’s diary, in which he repeatedly scrawled the slogan: “Squirt the pig!”

Chevy Chase: Let’s go live now to the Blaine Hotel… and Laraine Newman. Laraine?

[ Laraine Newman appears on the monitor above Chevy’s shoulder ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m standing outside a room on the second floor of the Blaine Hotel. which is now the residence of a Mr. Raoul Santiago, producer of snuff films. I’ve been speaking to him with regard to the rumors that his company’s films depict, not only pornographic activities, but actual murders of unfortunate prostitutes. He has assured me that he has no idea how these stories originated, and in reality he produces films of surgical and autopsy techniques for South American medical students utilizing nude magicians’ asssistants. When asked why he chose to title his company “Snuff Films”, he explained, simply, that Snuffy is the name of his golden retriever puppy who often appears in some of the films.

[ a gunshot is heard in the background ]

Director’s Voice: Cut! Print it!

Laraine Newman: Well, I see that my time is just about up! I’ll be speaking further with Mr. Santiago about his plans for the future, and, who knows, perhaps even a screen test. This has been Laraine Newman. Back to you, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Still to come: Is America a CIA front? After this filmed message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun ]

[ return on Blaine Hotel product slide ]

Announcer: Guests on “NBC’s Saturday Night” stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel. The Blaine. A tradition for more than half a century.

[ dissolve back to Chevy Chase at the newsdesk ]

Chevy Chase: President Ford, reviewing his December visit to Peking, says he isn’t sure he ever met China’s new Premier Hua Guofeng [ he smiles ] And, coincidentally, in Peking, Guofeng is quoting as saying he isn’t sure he ever met Gerald Ford, stating — adding — “All those presidents look alike to me.”

Well, however, in the spirit of Washington’s birthday, Ford remarked that the United States formally forgives the Chinese for Pearl Harbor. [ Chevy rolls his eyes ]

Chevy Chase: Recognizing our obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials, Weekend Update welcomes Miss Emily Litella with an editorial reply. Welcome.

Emily Litella: I believe the American people are pouring too much money… into CANKER… research! Now, how much can you learn about a little tiny sore inside your face?! Why, JUST the other day… a lovely lady came to my door and asked me to donate money to the American CANKER Society! But I said, “Goodness gracious, NO!!” I’m saving up my money for more important diseases! Mind you, Cankers can be nasty little buggers! But they don’t KILL you! Now, my cousin Mildred used to get them all the time! On the inside of her lip. And it hurt like HELL when she ate grapefruit! So I told her, “Mildred! Don’t eat grapefruit!” And it didn’t cost her a cent! Why waste your money, America? CANKERS can be beaten! Don’t eat grapefruit! [ she pounds the desk ] And if you DO have cankers… don’t put your fingers in your mouth, and don’t keep fiddling around with them!

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Miss Litella? Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: What?! What?

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella, I’m sorry. That’s… cancer. The editorial was in favor of money provided for cancer research. Not — not canker sores.

Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that’s very necessary.

Chevy Chase: Yes, it is.

Emily Litella: [ she turns to the camera ] Never mind.

Chevy Chase: Well, to date, very little has been discovered by Weekend Update scientists, showing that the smoking of marijuana is harmful in any way. White rabbits, forced to roll and smoke 87 joints a day, are encouraged not to operate heavy machinery or drive on the freeways.

A reminder: That research laboratory address, where viewers can send any suspicious cannabis, is [ with SUPER ] “Research”. That’s “Research, in care of Chevy Chase, Apt. 12 827 W. 81st Street, New York City.”

Our final note this Valentine evening, concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo. It’s the first such birth in captivity on record. The baby ird made its debut at 9:14 this morning, weighing in at just under 14 grams, and, according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely. The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply, “Cupid”. One humorous note: The bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternono by “Goggles”, the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.

Chevy Chase: Well, that’s the news this evening. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

Roger…..Dan Aykroyd
Laraine…..Laraine Newman
Owner, Steve Bushakis…..John Belushi
Jimmy…..Chevy Chase

[ open on interior, swanky underground restaurant, as a man and a woman enter from the ground floor and come down the stairs. The brass sounds of “Chicago” can be heard in the background. ]

[ SUPER: “Chicago – 1929” ]

[ SUPER: “St. Valentine’s Day” ]

[ the man and the woman pass another man and woman, Roger and Laraine, at a table. The camera locks on this second couple as they eat. ]

Laraine: Oh, Roger, what a lovely restaurant. I mean, the decor, the ambience, the food, and that wonderful man, Mr. Bushakis, the owner. He’s so nice.

Roger: Mmm-hmm, yes. And the location, too. You know, one would never expect to find such a, a quaint place right in the middle of the garage and warehouse district of Chicago.

Laraine: Darling, was it snowing when we came in here?

Roger: Uh.. I don’t know. I should move the car into a garage, though. I’m sorry.

Laraine: Oh, no, no, please, darling. There’s free indoor parking, why don’t you ask the owner?

Roger: Nonsense! I can do it myself. [ he stands ]

Laraine: But your musaka will get cold.

[ the owner suddenly appears at their table ]

Owner: Can I help ya’s?

Roger: Uh, yes. Uh.. we were wondering – since it’s snowing, i-i-if you could, uh, move our car into your indoor parking facility?

Owner: Of course! We can use our garage next door – it’s heated. [ looks off screen and raises his hand ] Jimmy! Jimmy! Come over here!

[ Jimmy the waiter appears ]

Roger: [ hands the owner his keys ] It’s the green Pierce Arrow sedan.

Owner: Alright. [ hands the keys to Jimmy ] Take these keys, park the car next door in the garage – the indoor garage on North Park Street – bring back the keys to the nice man.

Jimmy: Indoor garage. Bring the keys back.

Owner: Right. Bring the keys back, he will take good care of you.

[ Jimmy runs upstairs ]

Owner: [ to Roger ] How’s the octopus – good?

Roger: Very, very good, thank you.

[ moving on, as he continues his round around the restaurant ] How about you? Everything alright here?

[ we stay with Roger and Laraine ]

Roger: You know, there’s an interesting legend about St. Valentine’s Day. 300 monks hiding in the caves of northern Gaul, in the year 963. The story has it – the legend has it – that —

[ Roger’s story is drowned out all of a sudden by the sound of machine gunfire coming from outside ]

Laraine: You know, darling, I really think we should get that muffler fixed.

Roger: Yes. You’re right. [ he attempts to continue his story over the loud machine gunfire ]

[ suddenly, Jimmy re-appears at the top of the stairs, his white coat filled with ullets and dripping of blood. He tumbles down the stairs and flips over the railing, crashing onto a food cart. He stumbles to his feet, only to flip over Roger and Laraine’s table, sending himself and all their food from the table onto the floor, as he lands flat on his back. ]

Roger: Thank you.

[ Jimmy rises, and looks straight into the camera ]

Jimmy: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 24th, 1976

Peter Cook

Dudley Moore

Neil Sedaka

None

George Coe

Alan Zweibel

Tom Schiller

Willie Day

Richard Belzer

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Anne Beatts

Michael O’Donoghue



Season 1: Order Now! Ford’s PsychiatristSummary: President Ford’s (Chevy Chase) psychiatrist (Dan Aykroyd) administers a word association test prior to Ford’s crashing through the office wall.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Transcript

Montage

Desi Arnaz’s MonologueSummary: Desi Arnaz raves about the “special” cigars given to him by the cast.

Bio: Cuban musician Desi Arnaz (1917-86) founded Desilu Productions with wife Lucille Ball, where he developed the multicamera setup production style that would become the sitcom standard. He produced “I Love Lucy”, “Make Room For Daddy”, the pilot episode of “The Untouchables”, and a handle of other programs. He and Lucille Ball divorced in 1960.

Transcript

National Express CardSummary: His National Express Card enables Rubin Carter (Garrett Morris) to be recognized in prison.

Recurring Characters: Rubin Carter.

Transcript

40th BirthdaySummary: A husband’s (Chevy Chase) plans for fabulous sex on his 40th birthday turn sour in the bedroom, so his wife (Jane Curtin) and their guests gather together to try and cheer him up.

Transcript

Luciana Vermicelli’s Beauty RegimenSummary: Luciana Vermicelli (Laraine Newman) pops out of a coffin to tell viewers the secret of her beauty regimen.

Transcript

Literary RecitalSummary: Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky is butchered when Desi Arnaz reads it in his Cuban accent.

Very WhiteSummary: Preppy performer Very White (Chevy Chase) delivers a soulful narration of his love for his woman.

Transcript

Failed “I Love Lucy” PilotsSummary: Desi Arnaz shows the audience clips of himself (Desi Arnaz, Jr.) and Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) in some oddly-titled “I Love Lucy” pilots.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: An artist’s rendering of the Patty Hearst trial is comprised of a Betty Boop cartoon.

Transcript

SpeedSummary: Diet pill lets housewife (Anne Beatts) get lots of work done.

Note: Repeat from 11/22/75.

The UntouchablesSummary: Eliot Ness (Dan Aykroyd) successfully captures drug kingpin Raoul Nitti (Desi Arnaz) when his wife, Lucy (Gilda Radner) packs the wrong machine gun.

Transcript

Lucy & EthelSummary: Lucy Ricardo (Gilda Radner) shows Ethel (Jane Curtin) various costumes she’ll use to sneak into Ricky’s club.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

Desi Arnaz & Desi Arnaz, Jr. perform “Cuban Pete”Bio: The second child of Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball, Desi Arnaz, Jr. (1953-) was worked into the storyline of “I Love Lucy” during Ball’s pregnancy, which broke new ground in allowing a character to be pregnant on television. As a newborn baby, he appeared on the first cover of TV Guide.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: “Taylor’s Cat” features Taylor Mead’s cat getting high on catnip.

Cuban AcupunctureSummary: A Cuban acupuncturist (Desi Arnaz) uses cigars to cure his patient’s (John Belushi) headaches.

Understanding MenSummary: A frustrated Judy (Laraine Newman) cites poor communcation as a reason to break up with Matt (Chevy Chase), who uses a series of nonsense words she can’t understand in order to break up with her first.

Transcript

Bisexual MinuteSummary: Jane Curtin recalls one of America’s earliest lesbian affairs.

Transcript

Desi’s BookSummary: Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) comments on Desi Arnaz’s new book.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

Transcript

Desi Arnaz & Desi Arnaz, Jr. perform “Babalu”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

40th Birthday

Husband…..Chevy Chase
Wife…..Jane Curtin
Friends…..John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Alan Zweibel, Tom Schiller, Michael O’Donoghue, Neil Levy

[ open on couple sitting up in bed, lighting cigarettes in the dark ]

Wife: Look — it wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to feel bad about it.

Husband: [ scoffs ] You know, you don’t have to say that — I know what you’re thinking.

Wife: These things happen to ALL men.

Husband: [ he sighs ] Well, it’s never happened to me before.

Wife: Maybe you shouldn’t have had that extra drink on the way home.

Husband: Listen — if all it takes is one extra drink, I must be getting pretty old, don’t you think?

Wife: Well, what do you expect? You work too hard, you never get enough exercise — no wonder you couldn’t do your best.

Husband: Look, I’m 40 years old today. Maybe I just wanted to prove I can still —

Wife: Well, I just didn’t think it had anything to do with ME!

Husband: Come on… I came home early, I saw you standing here, your dress is half unzipped —

Wife: Yeah, but you picked the wrong moment.

Husband: What’s wrong with a little spontaneity?

Wife: You THREW me! That’s all! I just wasn’t in the mood! I had plans for this evening! But, NO — you come in here, you BURST in here, you throw me on the bed, and you just expect me to respond! Yuo just don’t understand. I wanted today to be special.

Husband: [ thinking ] Well… come on, it’s not over yet. There’s still a few hours left.

Wife: I thought maybe we could have some friends over, maybe have a little celebration.

Husband: I’m sorry if I spoiled your plans. I guess it was kind of the wrong time.

Wife: I’m sorry, too. Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.

Husband: Thanks.

[ they kiss, as the lights suddenly turn on and their friends pop out of hiding ]

Friends: SURPRISE!!!

[ zoom in on Husband’s stunned, embarrassed face ]

[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Sammy Davis Jr. Asks: Is There Showbusiness After Death?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Luciana Vermicelli’s Beauty Regimen

Luciana Vermicelli…..Laraine Newman

[ open on a white casket, open to reveal the woman inside ]

[ suddenly, the woman rises to address the camera with a smile ]

Luciana Vermicelli: Hello! I am Luciana Vermicelli! I was an ugly child…

[ she motions hr hand toward a framed photo of a little girl with a moustache and beard ]

…a hideous teenager…

[ the next framed photo reveals a teenaged girl with a long snout ]

…fur on my ears and webbed fingers. But now I am young and beautiful. How did I do it? The answer is in this: [ she holds up a book ] My Beauty Regimen book. My book tells how I drink the blood of girl scouts and brownies. It tells how I eat the face of young virgins. It even tell how I have all my bones replaced with bones of cheerleader and pom-pom girls! Yes, for over 5,000 years, an Egyptian priest has kept all of my body intact — and some of my mind.

[ she glances off-screen in both directions ]

Kazakhan… the moon is over the valley of the jackals! Kazakhan? You can ignite the eterna-leaves now. Kazakhan? Give me a sign, I’ll cut the bird in two —

[ she clutches her throat and falls back into the coffin ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Bisexual Minute

…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Jane Curtin ]

Jane Curtin: Hello. 200 years ago today, a young woman named Hester Catchbull put down her butter churn and picked up a musket. She raised her weapon in the cause of freedom, and leveled it at her husband Dan Catchbull, who was attempting to prevent her from leaving him. When he found himself staring down the barrell of his grandfather’s Blunderbuss, Dan soon relented, and Hester ran off with an itinerant lacemaker named Maryann Mackleroy. Hester and Maryann set up housekeeping over a dressmaker’s shop in Boston. Later, Hester’s daughter Margaret came to live with them. But Hester always regretted that the laws of the day kept them from having a church wedding. In a letter to her mother, explaining how she could abandon her husband for another woman, Hester confided: “One day, as I was emptying out the butter churn and the chamber pots, something in my head suddenly went “Click!”

And that’s the way it was, 200 years ago today.

[ dissovle to art card ]

Announcer: The preceding has been a Bisexual Minute.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Desi’s Book

Lucille Ball…..Gilda Radner

Lucille Ball: Desi has written a new book. It’s called “A Book”, by Desi Arnaz. And there’s a lot in here about me!

[ the thought of that suddenly makes her wail like Lucy Ricardo ]

[ cut to Desi Arnaz performing his next number ]

SNL Transcripts