[ open on Rubin Carter seated inside a jail cell. He rises and steps closer to address the camera. ]
Rubin Carter: Hi. You may not recognize my face. I was a top middleweight contender, and I’ve spent the past deven years in jail for something I didn’t do. I’ve gotten a lot of publicity lately: Joan Baez is my friend, and Bob Dylan writes songs about me. But, still, a lot of people don’t know who I am. That’s why I carry this: [ he holds up his National Express card ] A National Express card. The most honored credit card the world over. And if I ever get out of here, I’m gonna use it at hotels, restaurants and airports all over the world. Look — Harry Belefonte may not need identification, but you and I do. Don’t go any place without it. I know I don’t.
[ dissolve to close-up of his National Express card, as “Rubin “Hurricane” Carter” is typed across it ]
Dr. Speck ….. Dan Aykroyd Gerald Ford ….. Chevy Chase
[ FADE IN on Dr. Speck seated in his office. He dusts off a pillow with the Presidential seal on it and puts it on the couch next to him. There is a knock at the door ]
Dr. Speck: Come in.
[ Speck stands up to greet his patient, President Gerald Ford ]
Dr. Speck: Good afternoon, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Good afternoon, Dr. Speck.
[ Speck extends his hand for a handshake, but Ford uses the wrong hand ]
Gerald Ford: You know, I just want to tell you that these sessions have been great for me and I’m much more clearheaded already.
Dr. Speck: Well, I’m very glad to hear that, Mr. President. If you’d just like to lie down we can get on with the session.
Gerald Ford: Wonderful. Thank you.
[ Ford takes a few steps towards the couch but lies down on the floor ]
Dr. Speck: Uh, Mr. President, it might go a little easier if you just lie down on the couch as you usually do.
Gerald Ford: Ah.
[ Ford gets up and lies down on the couch the wrong way, horizontally rather than vertically ]
Dr. Speck: Might I suggest, Mr. President, that things might flow a little easier if you lie down with your head up here (motions toward pillow) and your body lengthwise on the couch.
Gerald Ford: Very good, doctor.
[ Ford finally lies down the correct way ]
Dr. Speck: Now, we talked about dreams last time. I want you to remember to your last dream, either last night or the night before. Just lay back and tell me what you see.
[ Speck starts taking notes as Ford looks upwards and tells the doctor what he sees ]
Gerald Ford: I see…white squares…black dots…kind of forming a pattern…the dots and the squares…
[ Speck stops taking notes and slowly and looks up at the ceiling ]
Gerald Ford: The sqaures seem to be like white tile…
Dr. Speck: Uh, Mr. President, that’s the ceiling I believe your looking at.
Gerald Ford: Ah, yes.
Dr. Speck: Let’s try a little free association, okay? Do you know what that is?
Gerald Ford: That’s when you don’t have to pay for it, isn’t it?
[ Ford laughs heartily at his joke while Dr. Speck feigns a few chuckles ]
Dr. Speck: That’s very, very funny, Mr. President. All right now, free association means that I’ll say a word and then you’ll say a word. Whatever word pops into your head, okay?
Gerald Ford: Yes.
Dr. Speck: Okay. Apple.
Gerald Ford: Apple.
Dr. Speck: House.
Gerald Ford: House.
Dr. Speck: No no no, you can say a different word that the one I say, okay?
Gerald Ford: Yes, of course.
Dr. Speck: Apple.
Gerald Ford: Apples.
Dr. Speck: It can be a completely different concept, you know.
Gerald Ford: Different word?
Dr. Speck: Yes, completely different. Apple.
Gerald Ford: Cider.
Dr. Speck: Good…
Gerald Ford: Bad.
Dr. Speck: No.
Gerald Ford: Yes.
Dr. Speck: Stop!
Gerald Ford: Go.
Dr. Speck: (pauses, then resumes the free association) Rug.
Gerald Ford: Trip.
Dr. Speck: Carpet.
Gerald Ford: Spill.
Dr. Speck: Car.
Gerald Ford: Crash.
Dr. Speck: Head.
Gerald Ford: Bump.
Dr. Speck: Snow.
Gerald Ford: Slip.
Dr. Speck: Primary.
Gerald Ford: Lose.
Dr. Speck: Reagan.
Gerald Ford: Hair dye.
Dr. Speck: China.
Gerald Ford: Pardon. Dr. Speck, I’m not feeling too well today. Got up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe we could continue this tomorrow.
Dr. Speck: Certainly, certainly.
Gerald Ford: Thank you, doctor. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Dr. Speck: Fine.
[ Ford gets up on the wrong side of the couch and crashes through the wall ]
[ CUT to Ford standing behind the set. He looks into the camera ]
Gerald Ford: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
…..Desi Arnaz Ricky Ricardo…..Desi Arnaz Jr. Louis Armstrong…..Garrett Morris Lucy…..Gilda Radner Ricky Ricardo #2…..Tom Schiller
Desi Arnaz: You know, it’s no secret that “I Love Lucy” was a very successful show on television. But it has been on for so very long now.. and I want to tell you the story about that. It’s been on for so long now, and in so many forms, that I almost forgot, the,n how we arrived at the idea. You see, uh.. first, you try a lot of different things, and for the pilot.. and, if the pilot sells, then it becomes a series. So we try – this is really a matter of trial and error – you know, and we had to find something that would really present Lucy the right way. And we tried several ideas, and, uh.. we were very fortunate.. to find.. a print of some of those early pilots. So, Dave, if you’re ready, will you run the first one, please?
[ dissolve to “I Saw Lucy” title card ]
Announcer: “I Saw Lucy”.
[ dissolve to Ricky’s empty apartment, as he comes running in ]
Ricky Ricardo: [ runs to open window ] Lucy! honey, it’s me, Ricky! Can you hear me! Lucy, I’m up here! [ sits on couch ] Shucks! She never looks up! [ dials phone ] Hello, Fred? Oh, Ethel – hi, hi! Is Fred there? Let me talk to him! Yeah, you too. Yeah, I-I-I just saw Lucy again Fred, huh! Yeah, down in the street! no, she didn’t say anything, she didn’t even see me! Yeah, she was just walking by. Okay, bye-bye. [ hangs up phone ] Well, maybe if I go down to the club with Little Ricky, I’ll see her hanging around on the sidewalk, or something.
[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]
Desi Arnaz: The problem with “I Saw Lucy” seemed obvious after the first filming. We never actually got to see Lucy, and we felt that that would probably work againstus. So, I didn’t give Lucy a fair crack at the show.. so, we tried another idea.
[ dissolve to “I Loathe Lucy” title card ]
Announcer: “I Loathe Lucy”.
[ dissolve to Ricky’s empty apartment, as he comes running in ]
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, honey, I’m home!
Lucy: Hi, honey!
Ricky Ricardo: Hi, honey! [ they kiss ] You look pretty.
Lucy: How are things at the club, honey?
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, great! You know, Maurice Chevalier’s gonna be on the show tonight, and he’s rehearsing right now!
Lucy: Oh, that’s great, honey!
Ricky Ricardo: Yeah, isn’t that great? Yeah! [ shoves Lucy to the floor ] Get me a drink, will you, honey?
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, thank you. You know, I think I’m gonna ask Fred and Ethel to come see the show tonight! You can stay at home and be very lonely, huh.
Lucy: [ resolved ] Okay.
Ricky Ricardo: Hey, how’s Little Ricky’s cold?
Lucy: Oh, it’s much better.
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, good, good. [ sips his drink ] You know I don’t like Scotch!
Lucy: You don’t?
[ Ricky tosses the Scotch in Lucy’s face ]
Lucy: Honey, I’ll get you another drink.
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, thank you. Oh, come here, baby. Come here! [ kisses Lucy, then shoves her to the floor again ]
Lucy: [ jumps up and runs into the kitchen ] Ethel! Ethel!
[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]
Desi Arnaz: Um.. the wear and tear.. was too much for Lucy, you see. Exhausted, she came t us and asked us to come up with something – another vehicle – something less demanding.
[ dissolve to “I Love Louie” title card ]
Announcer: “I Love Louie”.
[ dissolve to Ricky’s empty apartment, as he comes running in ]
Ricky ricardo: Honey, I’m home!
Louie Armstrong: [ playing trumpet ] Hi, honey! You want dinner now, or should I play a number first? [ plays “A Kiss To Build A Dream On” on the trumpet ]
[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]
Desi Arnaz: [ laughs ] Oh.. of course, “I Love Louie”, uh.. had its share of problems, you see. Contractually, Louie Armstrong.. belonged to another studio, and it was almost impossible to get him every week. So.. we tried another idea.
[ dissolve to “I Love Asparagus” title card ]
Announcer: “I Love Asparagus”.
[ dissolve to close-up of plate of asparagus, as Ricky hovers over it ]
Ricky Ricardo: Honey, I’m home! I bet you can’t guess who’s gonna do the show tonight, huh! No.. it’s Ernie Kovacs. Yeah, yeah.. he said he’d do the show if he can get a chainsaw and a cardboard mock-up of a grand piano. Mmm-hmm.. Gee, honey, you know, you look great! Huh? [ starts to eat the asparagus ]
[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]
Desi Arnaz: The, uh.. the main problem with this one was keeping the vegetables fresh uner the very hot studio lights. And the budget was overwhelming. We tried, later, some broccoli.. again, they all kept shriveling and wilting away. And, again, no Lucy. So, finally, we hit on this!
[ dissolve to “I Love Desi” title card ]
Announcer: “I Love Desi”.
[ dissolve to Ricky’s empty apartment, as he comes running in ]
Ricky Ricardo: Honey, I’m home!
Ricky Ricardo #2: [ enters ] Hi, honey!
Ricky Ricardo: Hi!
Ricky Ricardo #2: Hi!
Ricky Ricardo: Heeeeeyy! Guess what? Is dinner ready, because, if it is, Cesar Romero’s on hid way here!
Ricky Ricardo #2: Cesar Romero coming here?
Ricky Ricardo: Yeah! Isn’t that terrific?
Ricky Ricardo #2: Yeah!
Ricky Ricardo: If you can make a fantastic dinner for him tonight, I think we can get him on the show!
Ricky Ricardo #2: Don’t worry about it, I’ve been cooking all afternoon with this new French cookbook that Ethel gave me. We’re having Beef Stroganoff, Beef Wellington, and Chocolate Mousse! I had a heck of a time getting the moose through the kitchen door!
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, no! That book! That was a joke cookbook I gave Fred as a practical joke!
Ricky Ricardo #2: Oh, no! Oh no, what do we do?
[ doorbell rings ]
Ricky Ricardo: Uh-oh! That’s Cesar!
Ricky Ricardo #2: Uh-oh!
[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]
Desi Arnaz: We tried everything: “I Love Fred & Ethel”.. “I Love Loose Change”.. “I Love Casterbind Engines”.. “I Married Lucy”.. and even “Our Miss Lucy”. None of them worked. But the answer was obvious – a show with my wife called.. “I Love Lucy”. And now, I’ve got a wonderful surprise for you. Perhaps some of you are a little bit ahead of me, so, uh.. no use waiting any more. Let us introduce him right now. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome.. Mr. Willie Day!
[ Willie Day steps up on stage to decent applause ]
Desi Arnaz: Willie is the Prop Man on NBC’s Saturday Night! [ band breaks into “I Love Lucy” theme ] We’ll be right back after this message!
Waiter ….. John Belushi Judy ….. Laraine Newman Matt ….. Chevy Chase Diners in background ….. Neil Levy, Michael O’Donoghue, Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Tom Schiller
[ OPEN in a restaurant, where a waiter walks over to a young couple’s table ]
Waiter: How’s everything? How’s the meal? Good?
Matt: (quietly) Great.
[ The waiter exits ]
Judy: Matt, there’s something I want to talk to you about. It’s a problem I feel in our relationship and it’s been bothering me for a long time. I’d just kind of like to get it out in the open and express it to you.
Matt: All right, what’s the problem?
Judy: I think the problem is that…I don’t know, that we just don’t communicate. Now, maybe it’s just because your a guy and I’m a girl. But it’s like when you talk to me, I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Matt: Well, I don’t think that’s the problem, Judy. I think the problem is your cromzoid attitude.
Judy: What?
Matt: Your cromzoid attitude. Your incredibly blon-snark, cromzoid attitude.
Judy: Matt! (frusteratedly puts her head in her hands)
Matt: You are constantly, constantly into your own greebplarts! It drives me nirkskill, and I can’t take it.
Judy: This is just what I’m…
Matt: (interrupting) In addition to which, I have to deal with your incredibly overblown roofkies!
Judy: My roofkies?
Matt: Your ridiculous gripthoids.
Judy: My gripthoids?
Matt: And your unbelievably outrageous peep snappers!
Judy: My peep snappers?
Matt: (shouting) Yes, and I’m sick of it! Cromzoids, blon-snark, roofkies, gazornoplats! (hushed) And people wonder why I’m going crazy with you.
Judy: (aggrevated) What’s a gazornoplat?
Matt: I cannot take it anymore. I have a kistritsky too, did you know that? I have lunglubs, don’t you know that? Look, you have to take into consideration my lamzoids, my gleebfreebs, my normkrub, my troigs!
Judy: I was…
Matt: (shouting) So when you talk about the problem in our relationship, don’t lay it on my frigga-hoy-hoys, darling! Look inside your own groovy grumba-ho-hos, huh? I’m gonna go take a wappy-wip.
[ Matt crumples up his napkin, throws it on the table, and leaves while the other diners stare at him. The waiter returns to the table ]
Waiter: What’s the matter, sweetheart?
Judy: Oh Adolfo, sometimes I feel like I’ll just never understand men.
Waiter: Well, don’t worry. Everything will be coopercrippi.
Desi Arnaz: Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Oh, aren’t you nice, God bless you. It’s really a great pleasure for me to be hosting NBC’s Saturday Night. Not only cause it’s one of my favorite shows, but also because it is the first time I’ve been live since I was Cuban. Working with this group here, I haven’t had a week like this in a long, long time. I mean, it’s just great fun. And the players – you know, Es Que No Estan Listo Prime Time Yet – they’re wonderful. And don’t let them kid you, they’re ready for anything, these kids. And they’re so sweet, besides. You see, they knew that I like cigars. So the first day of rehearsal they got together and presented me with a box of cigars. I had never heard of the brand before: Acopolco Gold.
[ The audience laughs and applauds as Desi takes a drag off one of his “cigars” ]
Desi Arnaz: I haven’t smoked anything else since! And as soon as I pass it around, we’ll be right back.
[ As the camera pulls back and the audience applauds, Desi takes another puff from his Acopulco Gold and makes a wide-eyed “Reefer Madness” face ]
The Untouchables Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis
Walter Winchell …… George Coe Raoul Nitti ….. Desi Arnaz Angel ….. Chevy Chase Henchmen ….. Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel Student ….. Richard Belzer Eliot Ness ….. Dan Aykroyd Lee ….. Tom Davis Rico ….. John Belushi Youngblood ….. Desi Arnaz Jr. Restaraunt Owner ….. Garrett Morris Patron #1 ….. Laraine Newman Patron #2 ….. Anne Beatts Patron #3 ….. Michael O’Donoghue Lucy ….. Gilda Radner
[Opens on Desi Arnaz Jr. standing alone on stage]
Desi Arnaz Jr.: You know, my parents produced a lot of shows besides I Love Lucy. Desilu Productions put on such classics as The Whirlybirds, Pete and Gladys, December Bride, and The Untouchables, just to name a few. And you know, Dad really threw himself into everything. For example, on The Whirlybirds, Dad created all the helicopter sound effects with his lips. (demonstrates by briefly making helicopter noises) That’s not easy to do. For Pete And Gladys, Dad designed Harry Morgan’s makeup. But on The Untouchables, because of his accent, Dad never got any speaking roles on the show. Until tonight.
[Dissolve to The Untouchables title card as the theme music starts to play]
Walter Winchell (V/O): At 4:26 p.m. on February 21, 1936, in a warehouse on the north side of Chicago, Raoul Nitti and his boys were turning out amphetamines to be sold illegally at a nearby high school.
[As Winchell narrates, the card dissolves to the warehouse, where Nitti’s henchmen are escorting a high school student in]
Raoul Nitti: Okay kiddo, now you listen to me and listen good, see? You give two of these (holds up a bag full of cocaine) to every guy on the football team before the game. You’ll be the big man on campus, huh?
Student: Thanks Mr. Nitti. I’ll run right over! (runs out excitedly, one of the henchmen closing the door behind him)
Raoul Nitti: Well fellas, let’s go over to the club, get a bite to eat, and see if the owner has wised up and scraped together our “protection money”. (laughs)
Henchmen: (laugh)
Raoul Nitti: Shut up! Get going!
[Henchmen quickly stop laughing and leave, with Nitti following them]
Walter Winchell (V/O): Meanwhile, in a medicine cabinet warehouse across the street, Eliot Ness and his Untouchables watch the mobsters’ every move.
[Dissolve to a close shot of Ness looking out a window with binoculars, pulling back gradually to reveal the entire window as Winchell speaks]
Eliot Ness: Rico, I can see them. There’s a blue jay. A red warbler over there. (looks down) Lee! Rico! Youngblood!
[They come behind him one by one as he says their names]
Eliot Ness: Nitti and a couple of his goons are coming out of that warehouse. I think he’s making his move. (puts down binoculars)
Rico: Say they’re making their move, Eliot?
Eliot Ness: Right. Rico, let’s trail ’em. I want to teach Nitti a lesson he’ll have a long time to forget. (takes out his pistol)
Rico: Eliot, look! A red-winged blackbird.
[Dissolve to a restaraunt, where Nitti and his machine gun wielding henchmen are entering]
Walter Winchell (V/O): At 5:37 that afternoon, Nitti and his henchmen were threatening the owner of a south side restaraunt who owed them extortion money.
Restaraunt Owner: Please Mr. Nitti, I know I’ve been late but business has been bad!
Raoul Nitti: Yeah, well you ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait till word gets around that every customer in your joint is gonna get killed. Ha ha ha! Angel…
[Angel, one of Nitti’s henchmen, hides his gun under his jacket and approaches a patron]
Angel: Excuse me, ma’am. You enjoying your meal?
Patron #1: Yes, the meal is all right but the wine could be a bit drier.
Angel: Well, I’m sorry to hear it. (takes out his gun and shoots her)
Patron #1: Ooo! (gently falls down dead on the table)
Restaraunt Owner: All right, all right! You win! I’ll have it by tomorrow.
Raoul Nitti: That’s much bettter. Listen, you mind if I use the telephone?
Restaraunt Owner: No problem. Here’s a nickel. (gives Nitti a nickel)
Raoul Nitti: Thank you very much. (goes to use the phone)
Angel: (approches a dining couple) Enjoying your meal.
Patrons #2 & #3: (talking over each other praising the meal)
Angel: I figure’d you’d like it. Heh heh.
Raoul Nitti: (talking on the phone) Hello, Lucy? How’s Little Nitti? That’s good. Listen, I want you to meet me in the warehouse in about a half an hour. And bring my machine gun with you. But bring the one with the real bullets. Don’t bring the one with the blanks, all right? Okay honey, I’ll see you then. (hangs up)
Walter Winchell (V/O): Meanwhile, across the street in the Westinghouse Building, Eliot Ness and his Untouchables maintain their vigil.
[Dissolve to Ness and Rico looking out a different window, this one decorated with flowery curtains. Ness is looking through binoculars]
Eliot Ness: Ah. I can see a Dutch freighter. Flying two, no, three flags. There’s a Russian oil tanker. (looks down) Well, Nitti hasn’t left the restaraunt yet.
[Cut to the inside of the building, a modern 1970’s kitchen. Lee and Youngblood are throwing magnetic oven mitts at the refridgerator]
Eliot Ness: Rico, this sure is a strange place. What did you say they called this place?
Rico: Said it was “The Kitchen Of The Future”.
Eliot Ness: Yeah…(looking around, then out the window) Lee! Rico! Youngblood! Looks like Nitti’s leaving. (Youngblood continues to throw the oven mitts) Youngblood, please! Stop playing with those oven mitts. We’re one step closer to tightening the noose around that rat’s neck.
Rico: Eliot, look! (they all go to the window) A fireboat.
Walter Winchell (V/O): At 6:09, Nitti was back at the warehouse. His female companion Lucy had just arrived bearing some bad news.
[In the warehouse, Lucy walks in carrying Nitti’s machine gun with a sad look on her face]
Raoul Nitti: Ahh, hello sweetheart. You remembered my maching gun, that’s nice of you dear. (notices Lucy’s sad look) What’s the matter with you? You look upset.
Lucy: Waaaaaaaahhh……
Raoul Nitti: What happened? Did you dent the car?
Lucy: Waaaaaaaahhh……
Raoul Nitti: Did the Capone people kidnap Little Nitti?
Lucy: Waaaaaaaahhh……
Raoul Nitti: WELL WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT???!!!
Lucy: They knocked off Fred and Ethel!
Raoul Nitti: (puts his gun down) It’s about time.
Walter Winchell (V/O): At that moment, Eliot Ness and his Untouchables were making their final stakeout in the medicine cabinet warehouse across the street from the Nitti hideaway.
[Back to the warehouse window, where Rico is looking through the binoculars]
Rico: Eliot, they’re making their move.
Eliot Ness: (looking around) Who, Nitti?
Rico: No, those two dames sunbathing on the roof.
Eliot Ness: (takes the binoculars) OK, men. It’s time to put the stopper on Mr. Nitti.
[Cut to the inside of the warehouse]
Eliot Ness: All right, I’ll go in there posing as that two-bit drug dealer we drilled last week. You guys come in from the rear. Let’s synchronize our watches.
[They all look down at their watches]
Eliot Ness: What time is it, anyhow?
Walter Winchell (V/O): The time was 6:16.
Eliot Ness: OK, 6:16. You guys give me three minutes, then come in.
[Eliot exits, leaving his Untouchables slightly confused]
Rico: Is that three minutes from now, when he left, or when he said it?
Lee: I don’t know. (pause) I don’t have a watch.
[Back in Nitti’s warehouse, Lucy is holding a machine gun and looking at a pair of congas]
Lucy: Do you still play these stupid drums?
Raoul Nitti: Nooo…that’s the way we smuggle the stuff in from the Cuba.
[Nitti breaks open the skin on one of the congas and pulls out a huge bag full of cocaine. Nitti and Lucy laugh, but then there is a knock on the door.]
Raoul Nitti: See who that is, will you?
[One of the henchmen opens the door, and Ness walks in wearing a large black beard]
Eliot Ness: Mr. Nitti, my name’s Peter Fonda. I believe you’re expecting me to pick up some illegal narcotics.
Raoul Nitti: No, no, I am not and I have never seen or heard of you before.
Eliot Ness: You haven’t?
Raoul Nitti: No.
Eliot Ness: Lee! Rico! Youngblood! You must have given me the wrong information!
Angel: Wait a minute, boss. This guy ain’t no drug dealer. He’s Eliot Ness!
[Angel goes over to Eliot and pulls off his beard]
Angel: He sent me up the river five years ago.
Raoul Nitti: Well now Mr. Ness, you are not only a stupid man. You are also a dead man! (to Lucy) Give me my gun, sweetheart.
Eliot Ness: Lee! Rico! Youngblood!
[The Untouchables don’t come to Eliot’s aide. Lucy hands Nitti his machine gun, and he fires an entire round of ammunition into Ness, but nothing happens]
Raoul Nitti: YOU GAVE ME THE ONE WITH THE BLANKS!!!
Lucy: Waaaaah…..
Walter Winchell (V/O): And little did Nitti realize that at that moment, the Untouchables were climbing the back stairs to get the jump on Nitti and his henchmen.
Raoul Nitti: You hear that boys? The lousy cops are coming the back way! Let ’em have it!
[Lee, Rico, and Youngblood rush in. Rico kills Lucy, and Lee and Youngblood kill Nitti’s henchmen]
Raoul Nitti: Lucy! Are you all right?
[Eliot takes out one of the bags of cocaine and tastes it]
Eliot Ness: This stuff’s as pure as it comes. Best I’ve ever tasted. Too bad it’s against the law.
Raoul Nitti: Well, that’s my own private stuff, you know? I’m going on a diet.
Eliot Ness: You’ll have plenty of time to diet where you’re going, Nitti.
Walter Winchell (V/O): Little did Nitti know that one month later, Nitti would escape federal agents…
Eliot Ness: Where’s that voice coming from? Lee, Rico, Youngblood, find that voice!
[Winchell continues talking as the Untouchables search the warehouse. After they clear away a stack of wooden crates, they find Walter Winchell sitting behind a desk, reading off a sheet of paper into an NBC microphone]
Walter Winchell: …arch enemy in a nursing home scandal that would rock the Jewish community. (abruptly stops when he sees Ness)
[Ness fires multiple shots into Winchell, who exclaims “Ah!” and “Oh!” each time. When he is done, Winchell goes back to the mic]
Walter Winchell: Walter Winchell was shot by federal officers. His condition is fatal. (collapses onto his desk)
[Dissolve back to the Untouchables title card. Applause, fade]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase. Substituting for vacationing Chevy Chase, is his sister Rita.
Chevy Chase: [ grinning ] Actually — Rita is on vacation. I’ll be right with you. [ into phone ] Honey… it’s not what tune you hum… it’s just how you hum. Okay. [ he hangs up ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you — you’re merely a statistic!
Our top story tonight: In New Hampshire today, President Ford said competently that he will not only win the Primary, but he will go on to win the Secondary.
Democratic candidate Fred Harris appears to be a sure bet over Birch Bayh, and a possible winner in New Hampshire. Though Udall and Carter do look stronger, Harris is decidely more liberal than the Georgia governor, and has commentd that he just can’t see eye-to-eye with Udall. Harris visited a state prison in New Hampshire today. He is shown here singing “I Walk the Line”, as part of his Johnny Cash impression.
Senator Edward M. Kennedy announced in a press conference today that he is still NOT a candidate, in case any of his supporters have forgotten, and that he will repeat the announcement at each primary this year to remind anyone who might consider writing him in.
[ Chevy grins sheepishly ]
A number of Jewish groups have been boycotting travel to Mexico after its UN’s anti-Zionist vote last December, but have now lifted the boycott since the Mexican government announced this week that it does not equate Zionism with tourism.
Mohammed Ali easily retained his world heavyweight title last night by knocking out John Pierre Coopman in the fifth round of their bout. In the wake of the victory, the champ took time out to deny allegations that most of his recent fights have been with easy opponents who offer little opposition, insisting that all of his fights were against able and worthy opponents. The champ made these remakrs at a press conference to announce the scheduling of Ali’s next title defense against Helen Hayes in the early Spring.
South Vietnamese government has seized more than 100,000 books, calendars with nude pictures, and Playboy Magazine as part of a campagn to “eradicate the depraved culture brought in by the Americans.” Thry’ve also forbidden any Vietnamese to lock himself in the bathroom.
It was revealed today that the recent death of Teddy the koala bear was a suicide. Zoo officials close to the bear say he really did hate Quantas, and that he was despondent over the continuing death of Francisco Franco.
The airline gave Teddy a no-frills burial, consisting of no dinner, no movie, no oxygen, and a soft drink.
Despite oil company objections, the California Air Resources Board, Thursday, approved a program that would virtually eliminate harmful additives from motor fuel over the next four years. Their catchy slogan: “Get the lead out of your gas!”
Still to come: George Wallace picks a running mate. After this message.
Chevy Chase: This week, answering Ford’s statement that he was too conservative to be a president, Ronald Reagan said that Ford had twice offered him posts in the administration before. Sources reveal that the posts were Secretary of Witchcraft and Director of the Pony Express.
Angered over the decision by Congress not to give him Julie’s wedding dress, Richard Nixon has moved his family and staff to China. boarding the plane bearing a truckload of gifts for the Chinese, including boxes of old tape recordings and private records of campaign contributions, all of which he claims are of unique, historical value, Nixon smiled goodbye to the press for the last time, saying: “I am not a clook.”
Iowa governor Robert D. Ray, yesterday, signed a legislation banning pay toilets in his state. Budget-concious Iowans, who had been holding out for five years, breathed a collective sigh of relief and celebrated in the only way they knew how.
Well, Henry Kissinger was taken out and shot today by a city firing squad. The charge? Overweight.
The trial of 22-year old newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst continues. Yesterday, Patty appeared in court modestly dressed in a simple two-piece floral outfit, her nails neatly manicured. Asked to comment on her new, well-groomed image, Patty tensely replied, “I was afraid if I didn’t look nice, my mother would kill me.”
Chevy Chase: Reporting from San Francisco, is correspondent Horst Bucall:
[ cut to ARTIST’S RENDERING of trial — black and white footage of an old Betty Boop cartoon set in court ]
V/O: Patricia Hearst’s chief prosecutor asked her one question too many today, inadvertently opening the door to testimony, while describing to a heretofore uninformed jury how the Hearst estate has been bombed, and threats have been made on her life and the lives of her parents if they do not put a quarter of a million dollars into a defense fund for William and Emily Harris. As a hushed courtroom listened, Patty responded to the question: “What do you mean, Miss Hearst?”, following her answer to an earlier question, in which she said: “It’s happening in the streets right now.” The plaintiff was referring to further SLA activity, that has been taking place in spite of the belief by some members that the terrorist group are all either in custody, or dead.
[ cut back to Chevy, holding his nose as he speaks ]
Chevy Chase: This is correspondent Horst Bucall reporting from San — [ he sees the camera and lets go of his nose ] Francisco.
Well, that’s the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Very White: [ reciting as he belts the piano ] “Oh, baby! [ breathes deeply ] Ooooh, baby, baby, baby, baby. You know you’ve put me through sssssssso many changes Oh no, baby, don’t cry, little girl! Because you know I know you know I know you know I know That I dig you and you dig me. And, baby I remember — I remember the first time I saw you. You were down on a beach entertaining the Van Der Camps. And I was at the tennis camp, looking for a fourth for mixed doubles. And, baby, I — I feel like I’ve got to sing to you now!”
[ the music intensifies ]
“Ohhhh, baby! Mmmmmmmm!”
[ his voice and the music softens ]
“But, baby Baby I’m gonna sing about the love and the music Incessant, rambling music with no beginning and no end, baby Like our love. And you WILL know, baby Because it’s music with no, no soul And with absolutely no redeeming artistic value, my love. Oooohhhhh, baby, baby, baby, baby! Because deep down — deep, deep, deep down In my very heart My very simple, simple mind I feel so — so strange, baby So strange, talking to you this way in front of all these people But, baby, I FEEL like I’ve got to — I feel like I’ve got to sing to you now. And I — I feel like you’ve got to hear me, in my heart!”
[ the music intensifies ]
“Ohhhh, baby! Listen to me!”
[ he sneezes loudly, as his voice and the music softens ]
“Excuse me, baby, for loving you so much. Because, baby You looked soooo fine in that dress when I saw you coming out of the Waldorf Astoria at that International Debutante Ball And I was — I was just talking like this, incessantly. And you looked up at me And you said, “Hmmmmmmm!” [ he moans indistinctly ] It was very unusual to me, to hear something like that. So I figured — I figured Baby, we must be meant for each other Meant to — meant to sing together Meant for me to talk to you, forever and ever And for you to listen to me. So I figured, why not sing to you now Why not sing with all my heart, and all my breath And sing so you can HEAR me, baby Now, I want you to!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 1: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: A Film By: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 28th, 1976 Jill Clayburgh Leon Redbone The Singing Idlers Andy Kaufman Gary Weis Edie Baskin Lorne Michaels William Wegman Rosie Shuster Alan Zweibel
Season 1: Order Now!No More FallsSummary: Tired of playing a buffoon on SNL, Chevy Chase tells Lorne Michaels he won’t be doing any more falls for the show. Transcript
Montage
Jill Clayburgh’s MonologueSummary: Don Pardo’s game-show descriptions accentuate Jill Clayburgh’s story of her date with him. Transcript
White Guilt Relief FundSummary: Speaking as a representative of slavery, Garrett Morris says he’ll be happy to accept guilt funds from white people everywhere. Transcript
Great Moments In Herstory IISummary: Isadora Duncan (Jill Clayburgh) chooses a fateful scarf. Transcript
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman reports from a vacant New Hampshire a week after the Primary. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) says she opposes the “deaf” penalty. Recurring Characters: Emily Litella. Transcript
H & L BrockSummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team show how you can claim your home as a church and use it as a tax write-off. Transcript
The Singing Idlers perform “Semper Paratus”
Jill Clayburgh & The Singing Idlers perform “Sea Cruise”
The MuppetsSummary: The Muppets couldn’t be here this week, so Chevy Chase takes their place, using his bare hands to enact a scene titled “Paying the Milkman.” Transcript
Gary Weis Film
Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman pulls up four members of the audience to lip-synch to an old recording of “Old MacDonald.” Transcript
The RestaurantSummary: While on a date, a woman (Jill Clayburgh) wonders what her boyfriend (Chevy Chase) is thinking about. Transcript
Triple-TracSummary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see. Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.
Leon Redbone performs “Big Time Woman”
Great Moments In Herstory III
“The Mr. Bill Show”Summary: In a film by home viewer Walter Williams, clayman Mr. Bill is tortured by Mr. Hands and Sluggo. Transcript
Grable & Lombard/GoodnightsSummary: Betty Grable (Jane Curtin) and Carole Lombard (Jill Clayburgh) are married in a new TV-movie sneak-peek. Transcript
[ open on Lowell Brock leafing through the pages of thick tax books from his bookshelf ]
Lowell Brock: Hi. I’m Lowell Brock, of H&L Brock. With more of my seventeen reasons why you should bring your taxes to us, instead of H&R Block.
[ he sits in red leather chair, as SUPER appears ]
Reason #13: The H&L Brock Church and Synagogue.
The IRS does not require churches and synogogues to keep financial records. In 1957, my brother Henry became the first priest of Our Lady of the Holy Rebate. And, in 1963, our partner, Saul Weinstein, was ordained rabbi of Temple Banai Shalom Brock. If you are a wealthy religious person, you may want to make a large donation to either of these houses of worship, and claim it as a deduction. We will then kick back 95% of the donation, keeping the rest as payment of our services. Saving you a bundle on your returns. You can cheat on your taxes and look like a saint.
So come to H&L Brock You’ll thank the Lord you did.
Air Date:
Summary: Tired of playing a buffoon on SNL, Chevy Chase tells Lorne Michaels he won’t be doing any more falls for the show.
Summary: Don Pardo’s game-show descriptions accentuate Jill Clayburgh’s story of her date with him.
Summary: Speaking as a representative of slavery, Garrett Morris says he’ll be happy to accept guilt funds from white people everywhere.
Summary: Isadora Duncan (Jill Clayburgh) chooses a fateful scarf.
Summary: Laraine Newman reports from a vacant New Hampshire a week after the Primary. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) says she opposes the “deaf” penalty.
Summary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team show how you can claim your home as a church and use it as a tax write-off.
Summary: The Muppets couldn’t be here this week, so Chevy Chase takes their place, using his bare hands to enact a scene titled “Paying the Milkman.”
Summary: Andy Kaufman pulls up four members of the audience to lip-synch to an old recording of “Old MacDonald.”
Summary: While on a date, a woman (Jill Clayburgh) wonders what her boyfriend (Chevy Chase) is thinking about.
Summary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see.
Summary: In a film by home viewer Walter Williams, clayman Mr. Bill is tortured by Mr. Hands and Sluggo.
Summary: Betty Grable (Jane Curtin) and Carole Lombard (Jill Clayburgh) are married in a new TV-movie sneak-peek.