[ open on exterior, gas station, as Mechanic grabs pump and falls out of view ]
[ Spokesman steps forward with product in hand ]
Spokesman: I’m sure your whole family loves cheese! But one member never gets enough — your car! That’s why we created… Car Yummies. [ he holds up product ] Shaped like little traffic signs, Car Yummies provide ALL the essential additives your car needs. Plus: a hearty cheddar flavor that automobiles really go for!
[ Mechanic returns to scene ]
Mechanic: Pets like ’em, too!
Spokesman: Right you are, Ted! No motor vehicle can resist these tempting tank-sized chunks. Is it any wonder that Auto Trend Magazine called them “The perfect between-pump snack for cars on the go”?
Mechanic: And, take it from me: A well-fed car gives better mileage with fewer repairs.
Spokesman: As a reward, as an appetizer, or simply as a regular program of fuel supplement, why not treat your car… to Car Yummies!
Mechanic: Car Yummies! Gives your car pep and lets your car know that you care!
[ superimpose logo on screen ]
Announcer: Gull Oil. We care for your car.
[ dissolve to audience, zoom in on bearded man with SUPER: “Wearing Rubber Underwear” ]
[ open on Lorne’s office, as he’s being interviewed by a female reporter. Framed photos of Richard Nixon appear on Lorne’s desk. ]
Lorne Michaels: — talk to the producer. The producer is really the person who really knows what’s happening.
[ Chevy opens the door, then knocks on it ]
Lorne Michaels: Ah, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: [ to the reporter ] Excuse me, I’m sorry. [ sits on Lorne’s desk ] Lorne. Look. Uh.. uh..
Lorne Michaels: Shouldn’t you be downstairs opening the show?
Chevy Chase: I’m not going to do the fall. I’m sorry. Ah, I know we had an agreement, but I-I-I’m sick of being a clown.. I’m sick of just doing falls —
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, we can’t begin the show —
Chevy Chase: — I’m being a damn newsman all the time! I mean, I-I-I-I can’t do it! Do you realize I was offered a “McMillan & Wife”?
Lorne Michaels: Do they do falls on “McMillan & Wife”?
Chevy Chase: That isn’t the point! I don’t want to be a buffoon any more! I’m sick of being identified with some kind of — people don’t even want to see the fall any more!
Lorne Michaels: I’m telling you, the most popular part of the show is the fall! Every show has opened with you falling, it’s — [ tries a different approach, holds up a single envelope ] I get stacks, stacks of mail! Here’s a letter right here, it just arrived. [ opens the letter, pretends to read it ] “Love the fall!”
Chevy Chase: [ reaches for the letter ] Let me see that.
Lorne Michaels: No. [ stuffs the letter into his desk ] The thing, it’s the most — no, the chandelier and the ladder is the most popular fall. I think you should go down there, open with the fall, and we cna talk about it some other time.
Chevy Chase: Alright, this is the last time!
Lorne Michaels: Trust me on this.
Chevy Chase: The letter – they really like it?
Lorne Michaels: The letter. [ pulls the letter out, holds it up for Chevy briefly ] “Most popular thing, love the fall.” So, if you could just go down there, and open with the fall, Chevy – believe me.
Chevy Chase: [ as he heads for the door ] No one likes it!
Lorne Michaels: No, it’s the most popular thing on the show. Good luck!
[ Chevy exits Lorne’s office and retreats down the hall. Before he makes his exit, we catch a glimpse of a framed picture of Chevy on top of a television set in Lorne’s office. ]
Chevy Chase: I don’t know.. he’s the boss..
[ Chevy appears amongst the audience muttering to himself, walking behind the rows toward the stage floor ]
Chevy Chase: I wonder if I’ve been conned into something. They like the fall, they like the fall.. My knee! My hip! They like it, they like it, but this is the last one. I really don’t mmind if I get a “Baretta” – I’ve had it.
[ Chevy steps into a row of audience members, squeezing his way across them ]
[ Chevy reaches the end of the row; the woman on the end speaks to him ]
Woman in Audience: You’re not gonna do the fall with the chandelier and the ladder again, are you?
Chevy Chase: [ shaking his head ] I don’t believe this.
[ Chevy walks down a flight of stairs and onto the set, what looks like an office set-up with a ladder standing under a chandelier ]
Chevy Chase: Did you hear that? [ looks back toward the woman ] No. no, I’m not! I’ve got better things to do! [ bumps into the foot of the ladder, struggles back the way he came ] I’ve got much better things to do than that! [ trips on the first step as he makes his way back up into the audience ] I’m going to tell Lorne that right now!
[ Chevy trips at the top of stairs, but regains his balance before continuing to stumble his way amongst the audience as he mutters inaudibly to himself. As he stomps back through the row he came, Chevy trips and nearly falls over the railing. He catches himself and lifts himself back up ]
Chevy Chase: I’ve had it! I’ve had it!
[ Chevy takes another step, and stumbles in such a way that it sends him running across the hall in imbalance. He reaches the outer hall to Lorne’s office without a scratch. ]
Chevy Chase: This is it, Lorne. This is it, Lorne! This is exactly what we were talking about —
[ as Chevy stomps down the hall, he crashes into Alan Zwibel and they both crash to the floor. Chevy jumps back on his feet and staggers into Lorne’s office. ]
Chevy Chase: No! [ slams his hands on Lorne’s desk ] Absolutely not, I’m not doing it! And let me tell you why!
Lorne Michaels: Why?
[ Chevy attempts to sit on the edge of Lorne’s desk, but slides off and drops semi-backwards to the floor. Lorne waits patiently, as Chevy slowly rises and removes his glasses. ]
Chevy Chase: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Priest: Do you, Betty, take Carole to be your lawful wedded wife?
Betty Grable: I do.
Priest: Do you, Carole, take Betty to be your lawful wedded wife?
Carole Lombard: I do.
Priest: I now pronounce you… wife and wife. You may kiss the bride.
[ Betty and Carole lean in to kiss, then freeze ]
Announcer: And now, the never told story of… “Grable and Lombard”.
[ loud applause drowns out the rest of Don Pardo’s announcement ]
Jill Clayburgh: [ waving ] Good night!
[ credits roll ]
Announcer: Next week, watch “NBC Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. Two weeks from tonight, our “saturday Night” host will be Anthony Perkins, with special musical guest Diane Keaton. And our announcer will still sound like Don Pardo. Yawn. Good night.31:30
Announcer … Don Pardo Narrator … Jane Curtin Sigmund Freud … Dan Aykroyd Anna Freud … Laraine Newman
[A graphic reads: Great Moments in Herstory]
Announcer: And now, Great Moments in Herstory, acelebration of women through the ages.
[Dissolve to a finely appointed sitting room, completewith globe, couch and easy chair. A narrator reads asuperimposed text as it scrolls by.]
Narrator: Vienna, April 12th, 1908. In the quaint oldhouse at number nineteen Berggassestrasse, DoctorSigmund Freud has been making bold advances in thetreatment of mental illness through a new techniqueinvolving the interpretation of dreams. His pioneeringefforts in the face of repressive Victorian attitudeswill ultimately lead to the development of theFifty-minute hour, over-use of the word “relating”,and a rash of bestsellers with personal pronouns intheir titles. Now, for the first time, he is about topractice his new method on a member of his own family:his daughter Anna, later to become a brilliant analystin her own right. Little does he know he is on thethreshold of revealing the secrets of the human mindby Fathering modern psychoanalysis…
[During the above, bearded, bespectacled Sigmund Freudenters, places a cup of tea on a table beside the easychair, pulls a book from a bookcase and, whilethumbing through it, makes his way to the easy chair.He sits and reads. His young daughter, Anna, enters,taps him on the shoulder and climbs into his lap. Theyspeak with heavy Viennese accents:]
Sigmund Freud: Hello, Anna. How did you sleep, Liebchen?
Anna Freud: Oh, I slept very well, Papa. You know, Ihad the strangest dream, though. I dreamt about a manwho looked just like you.
Sigmund Freud: [sipping tea] Mm hm.
Anna Freud: He had a beard just like yours. And he wasold enough to be my father.
Sigmund Freud: Ya.
Anna Freud: I couldn’t figure it out. And then, he wassitting on your bed, Papa.
Sigmund Freud: Uh huh.
Anna Freud: Along with all my male cousins. And theywere all bound and gagged except for one arm. Andeverybody was bare naked.
Sigmund Freud: [gets increasingly “turned on” as sheproceeds] Mm hm.
Anna Freud: And they had bowls of fruit in their laps,you know?
Sigmund Freud: Mm hm.
Anna Freud: And everybody kept offering me a banana. Iwas not hungry for a banana, though, you know? Exceptwhen the man with the beard offered me the biggest andripest banana. [Sigmund shifts uncomfortably and setsdown his tea cup] Oooh, Papa, that was the only bananaI ate. Oooh, and then the bed turned into a train,Papa.
Sigmund Freud: Ya?
Anna Freud: And it went through a tunnel. And we cameout of the tunnel [Sigmund holds up his trembling handas if he is about to grab Anna’s torso] and then Ifell and I fell and I fell and the man with the beardfell and fell and fell. [abruptly] And then we bothsmoked a cigarette. [Sigmund lowers his hand and coolsoff considerably] Papa, what did that dream mean?
Sigmund Freud: It doesn’t mean anything, Anna. It’sonly a dream. Sometimes a banana is just a banana. Anna?
Anna Freud: Yes, Papa?
Sigmund Freud: Please don’t mention this to Mama.
Anna Freud: [toys with his necktie] Oh, I won’t. [Theygive each other a hug.]
Announcer: This has been another [dissolve back to thetitle graphic] Great Moment in Herstory!
Announcer: And now… “Great Moments in Herstory”! A celebration of women through the ages!
[ dissolve to interior sitting room ]
Narrator: [ over text scroll ] “Nice The South of France September 13, 1927
Isadora Duncan, the uninhibited, barefoot, Mother of Modern Dance whose private performances and public Affairs have shocked polite society, and given her hundreds of painful splinters, has just returned from a triumphant tour of Soviet Russia. On this particular sunny Mediterranean morning, Isadora is visiting her close friend, famed actress Eleanora Duse, little suspecting that she is about to make one momentous decision which will alter her entire life…”
[ Isadora rushes down the stairs to to join Eleanora on the Chaise longue ]
Isadora Duncan: Well, darling, I can’t stay! But, oh, I MUST have your advice on a little matter!
Eleanora Duse: You look just ravishing, Isadora — where are you off to?
Isadora Duncan: Oh, I’m off for a spin in a red Bugatti with that absolutely heavenly young man! [ she tosses her hair back and laughs ] Let me ask your advice — Which one do you prefer? [ she wraps a short blue scarf around her neck ] This little scarf, tied comme sa? Or… do you prefer this green chiffon, which I love, tied like this? [ she wraps a long geen scarf around her neck ]
Eleanora Duse: Ohhh, Isadora, no question! The long one!
[ Isadora smiles and heads for the door ]
Isadora Duncan: Well, dear — Ta Ta!
Eleanora Duse: Have fun, darling!
Isadora Duncan: Bye bye!
[ Isadora slams the door shut ]
[ the slong green scarf gets caught between the door and the frame ]
[ a blood-curdling scream can be heard on the other side of the door, as Elenanora looks away with great confusion ]
[ return to title card ]
Announcer: This has been another… “Great Moments in Herstory”!
[Host Jill Clayburgh stands at Home Base, in front ofa red curtain, and speaks into a microphone atop amike stand at center stage.]
Jill Clayburgh: Well, our next guest has beenon the show several times and, for what he’s doingtonight, he needs four people, uh, volunteers from theaudience. And I’m gonna choose them. Don’t all raiseyour hands at once. Let’s see now, there’s– Ohhhh.[nervous laughter from audience, Clayburgh points intothe crowd] You! You have been chosen. Come on up. [oneby one, chosen audience members walk on stage andstand with Clayburgh] And what about you? Would youlike to do it? Come on. Yeah, yeah. Just come standover here and be ready for anything and– it’ll bepainless. And, let’s see, uh, would you like to be on?Yeah, come on up. And, uh, oh, I think I’ll pick agirl. Oh! I saw you looking away. Come on. Okay.[arranges the volunteers in a line] Oh, here, now, youstand – you stand here — I know about this — boy,girl, boy, girl. You, you stand here. [the fourvolunteers, two men and two women, all young people,are lined up across the stage, with three on one sideof the microphone stand and one on the other] And Ithink that’s it. Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Kaufman.
[Clayburgh leads the applause for Kaufman who enterswearing sneakers, a dark suit, with a blue shirt andnecktie, and a farmer’s straw hat. Clayburgh exits asKaufman stands at his portable phonograph, sitting ona table at one side of the stage. He puts the needleon the record: a children’s 78 rpm disc from the PeterPan Records label featuring Billy Williams and HisCowboy Rangers singing “Oh, Susanna” on one side and”Old MacDonald” on the other. Kaufman moves to themike stand as the scratchy record revolves andlip-syncs to the singer, Mr. Billy, much to theamusement of the audience and the volunteers lined upbehind him.]
Mr. Billy: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farmE-I-E-I-O!
[Kaufman raises his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!” To the sound of a trotting horse, Kaufmantrots in place and turns to face the pleasingly plumpgirl who stands alone on one side of the mike stand.]
Mr. Billy: Whoa!
[Kaufman stops lip-synching and acts as if the plumpgirl is “Little Tex” and speaks to him. The plump girljust stands there grinning as Kaufman looks ather.]
Little Tex: Whoa! Oh, I like that song, Mr.Billy. Let’s all it sing it, shall we?
[Kaufman lip-syncs as if speaking to the plumpgirl.]
Mr. Billy: All right, Little Tex. [Kaufmanturns to the other volunteers and lip-syncs] Are youready, boys? [Kaufman bobs up and down, lip-synchingat the microphone as Mr. Billy sings the firstverse:] Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on this farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-O With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
[Kaufman steps away from the mike as he finishes theverse (as always, raising his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!”) and turns to the plump girl, leading herup to the mike.]
Mr. Billy: [speaks] All right, Little Tex. It’syour turn.
[After a moment of surprise, the plump girl gamelythrows herself into lip-synching the next verse asLittle Tex sings:]
Little Tex: Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on that farm he had some ducks, E-I-E-I-O[audience applauds her] With a quack-quack here and a quack-quack there And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack
[Kaufman smoothly glides in front of the plump girl topick up the next part to much applause from thecrowd.]
Mr. Billy: With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O
[Kaufman again raises his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!” – and then guides the next volunteer inline — a thin, bespectacled guy — up to the mike andlip-synchs to him.]
Mr. Billy: [speaks] Well, I guess you’re next,Joe.
[Bespectacled guy lip-synchs along with the record asa goofy “hick” voice sings:]
Joe: Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on that farm he had some turkeys, E-I-E-I-O With a gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble
[Kaufman pushes the bespectacled guy away and pullsthe plump girl to the mike where she animatedlylip-synchs her part:]
Little Tex: Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack
[Kaufman glides in and lip-synchs his verse to moreapplause as the plump girl cracks up laughing behindhim.]
Mr. Billy:With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
[Kaufman leads a thin girl to the mike and lip-synchsto her:]
Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, it’s your turn,Eddie.
[Thin girl lip-synchs her verse to a deep masculinevoice:]
Eddie: Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on that farm he had some pigs, E-I-E-I-O With a oink-oink here and a oink-oink there Here an oink there an oink, everywhere aoink-oink
[Thin girl, nearly breaking up with laughter, ispushed away by Kaufman who guides the bespectacled guyto the mike to lip-sync his part:]
Joe: Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble
[Bespectacled guy almost retreats too early andKaufman has to drag him back toward the mike and thenpush him away to make room for the plump girl whoneeds little coaxing to do her verse:]
Little Tex: Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack
[Applause for her enthusiastic effort as Kaufmanglides in again:]
Mr. Billy: With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
[By now, all the volunteers are grinning and clearlyhaving a good time. The final volunteer, a dark-hairedguy, moves to the mike with no prompting, thoughKaufman lip-synchs to him:]
Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, what do you have tosay, Gabe?
[Dark-haired guy at the mike does a serviceablejob:]
Gabe: Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on this farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere amoo-moo
[Dark-haired guy withdraws as Kaufman drags in thethin girl:]
Eddie: Oink-oink here and a oink-oink there Here an oink there an oink, everywhere aoink-oink
[Thin girl looks quizzically at Kaufman for approvaland retreats as he guides the bespectacled guy, whohas already started lip-synching, to themike:]
Joe: Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble
[Bespectacled guy gets some applause but forgets to dothe last part of his last line. Kaufman sends in theplump girl who gets another round of applause for herspirited performance:]
Little Tex: Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack
[Kaufman glides in for the last time:]
Mr. Billy: With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick [By now the audience is clapping along with thesong] Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O
[Song ends. Much applause which drowns out a moment ofthe record and also Jill Clayburgh who returns tothank the volunteers. Kaufman waves to the audienceand lip-synchs the following:]
Mr. Billy: [speaks] I’ll see you later, cowboysand cowgirls!
[Applause continues as the volunteers return to theirseats and Kaufman and Clayburgh exit the stage inopposite directions, trotting, to the sound of hoofbeats from the end of the record. Pull back a littleand fade out.]
Jill Clayburgh: Hi. Thank you! Thank you! Well, I’mreally happy to be tonight’s host. You know, I didn’tknow how to prepare for it. I mean, it’s livetelevision and most of the people connected with theshow are, uh, well, they’re my age and they don’t knowmuch more than I do about it. So I did, uh, well, itseemed to be the most sensible thing. I went right tothe one person who’s connected with the show who has,well, he has more experience in live television thananybody. He’s a wonderful gentlemen and his name isDon Pardo. [Applause.] And, uh … uh, you know, hewas the announcer on “Jeopardy!” and lots of otherprograms like that and I – I asked him to help me andoh, well, he couldn’t do enough. And the thing abouthim is that he’s not what you’d expect a game showannouncer to be. I mean, he has a really culturedbackground and, well, I had quite an evening with him.First, Don picked me up in his car.
Don Pardo: Not just any car, Jill! [dissolve to imageof an antique luxury car] That was a 1936 model [?]Coupe de Ville! Just one of the many antiqueautomobiles from the Don Pardo Classic Car Collection,silver-trimmed for comfort, taste and a smooth andeasy ride. Chicago six-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cutback to Jill]
Jill Clayburgh: Yeah. Well, after he picked me up, uh,we took a drive to Don’s home. Oh, what a nice house.
Don Pardo: Jill, that’s the magnificent Pardo Manor inupstate New York, [dissolve to image of a hugemansion] thirty-six rooms of custom-designed FrenchNormandie elegance, one of the many of the Don Pardoassortment of fine homes. Chicago six-oh-six-oh-eight!Jill? [cut back to Jill]
Jill Clayburgh: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice house. Well, wewent inside and, oh, I saw all these wonderful worksof art. And I remember there was this one beautifulprint in particular–
Don Pardo: A print, Jill? Look again! [dissolve toimage of a painting] That’s an original Cezanne, his”Still Life with Plaster,” just one in the collectionof the Don Pardo French Masters Series. Chicagosix-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cut back to Jill]
Jill Clayburgh: Well, after we dined, we discussed theshow and I met one of his sons.
Don Pardo: Not just any son, Jill, but young Don Pardothe Third! [dissolve to a photo of a young boy inriding clothes, holding a pony by the reins] Sevenyears of exciting life has been all his, educated atfine New York private schools and he’ll go on to suchschools as Andover, Harvard and Yale graduate school!Don is one of a set of five matching children from theDon Pardo Collection of Fine Youngsters! Chicagosix-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cut back to Jill]
Jill Clayburgh: Yeah. You see what I mean? I mean, howmuch you can learn from a real pro? You know, that’sreally gonna help me. Thanks, Don!
Dan Aykroyd: [ standing stiffly ] Hi, my name’s Danny. What’s yours? Uh…about home movies. You send them in and we play em. No pay, just play. Uh, the home movie this week is by Walter Williams.
(some applause is heard. fade out)
(cut to the home movie of a curtain titled, the Mr. Bill show.)
Mr. Hands: It’s the Mr. Bill Holiday Special! And wait, I hear Mr. Bill coming right now. (curtain slowlyrises to reveal Mr. Bill, a short clay man.) Look, there he is! Hi, Mr. Bill, how are you?
Mr. Bill: Oh ho ho, kiddies! I’m doing okay. It’s so good to see all your bright faces out in front of the TV set. Oh, we’re going to have a great time today. All my friends are here and we’re going to do those fun things. You know, those things that we always do. I’d like to meet my friend. He always helps me out a lot. His name is Mr. Hands! Say hello Mr. Hands!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, how are you today? (starts molding a small yellow ball of clay) Good to see you.
Mr. Bill: Oh, I’m fine. How are you?
Mr. Hands: Oh, I’m just great Mr. Bill. Say, somebody’s coming to see you!
Mr. Bill: Uh, who could be coming to see me? Who?
Mr. Hands: Well it’s your dog.
Mr. Bill: Awwww.
Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.
Mr. Bill: Spot!
Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.
Mr. Bill: Awww.
Mr. Hands: (sings) He can run and jump and play. (reveals Spot) “I am Mr. Bill’s dog.”
Mr. Bill: Oh, Spot! It’s so good to see you. Oh, are you being a good dog.
Spot: Oh yes, Mr. Bill! How are you?
Mr. Bill: Oh fine. Have you been doing all those things you’re supposed to do?
Spot: Yes and I don’t even come along any more.
Mr. Bill: Oh goodie, let me pet you. (Mr. Hands moves Spot closer to Mr. Bill)
Spot: Ok.
Mr. Bill: Oh it’s so good to see you.
Spot: Don’t go away Mr. Bill.
Mr. Bill: But I like playing with Spot. Oh wait!
Mr. Hands: (picking up Spot) Mr. Spot has to go now. (Crumples up Spot.)
Mr. Bill: No wait! No, noooooooooooooooooo!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, how would you like some company from one of your best friends? (starts molding a blue ball of clay)
Mr. Bill: Oh who is that?
Mr. Hands: Take a guess, look.
Mr. Bill: I don’t know, I don’t recognize him. Who?
Mr. Hands: Well, it’s one of your best friends. It’s…
Mr. Bill: Oh no!
Mr. Hands: …Mr Sluggo! (Sluggo appears with a knife in his hands.)
Mr. Bill: I, I don’t even like him. He hurts me all the time.
Mr. Hands: No, he just wants to come over and shake hands with you Mr. Bill (Moves Sluggo closer to Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait, what’s he got in his hands? What is that? No, (Sluggo knifes Mr. Bill in the stomach) Ohhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill. It must’ve slipped. He didn’t mean that.
Mr. Bill: It hurts!
Mr. Hands: (Another Sluggo appears) I have the doctor take a look at it.
Mr. Bill: Oh, I don’t think he’s a doctor. Who is that?
Mr. Hands: That’s Doctor Sluggo!
Mr. Bill: No, he isn’t a doctor! My leg’s fine!
Mr. Hands: Sure he is! Let him take a look at it.
Mr. Bill: No, it’s okay! No really.
Mr. Hands: Oh he says it has to be amputated Mr. Bill. (Gives a saw to Sluggo)
Mr. Bill: No wait! It feels right.
Mr. Hands: Always listen to the doctor.
Mr. Bill: Oh wait it’s okay (Sluggo starts sawing Mr. Bill’s left leg.) Ohhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill, how does that feel?
Mr. Bill: I don’t think I can walk anymore.
Mr. Hands: Here come on try standing up Mr. Bill.
Mr. Bill: No I don’t think I can. (Mr. Hands sets Mr. Bill up and Mr. Bill falls forward) Oh my face ohhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill’s going on a deep sea adventure now. (Places Mr. Bill in a pot of water.) Want to come out Mr. Bill? (takes Mr. Bill out and Mr. Bill is choking.) (With a toothbrush) You better brush your teeth, Mr. Bill.
Mr. Bill: Oh no! I don’t do that too well.
Mr. Hands: Come on, let’s brush your teeth real well. (Starts brushing and takes off, Mr. Bill’s left eye,nose and mouth) Clean your breath too. Doesn’t that feel Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill’s going on a sky diving adventure. (Mr. Bill is squeaking now.) It’s okay, I made you a parachute. (places a small red parachute on Mr. Bill’s back) Ready, one, two, three. (raises Mr. Bill high and drops him breaking him apart.)
(Cut to a person wearing a shirt that says “The Mr. Bill Show” and on the back of his jacket.)
(An address card appears)
Don Pardo: If you have a Super 8 or a 16 millimeter home movie, send it to “Home Movies, NBC’s Saturday Night, Box 904, Radio City Station, New York, N.Y. 10019.” And include your name and correct address. There will be no modeteary compensation at all.
(Zoom in on three old people in the audience. SUPER: “Adjust your set if it will make you happy”)
Jill Clayburgh: Uh, the Muppets couldn’t be here tonight – they’re at the Grammys, in California. But they’ll be back, March 13th! And, in the meantime, uh, one of the cast members has volunteered to go on in their place, and perform a little play called “Paying The Milkman.”
[ dissolve to the Land of Gorch set, slow pan upward to reveal two bare hands (one arm in a pink sleeve, the other wearing just a watch) poised like Muppets ]
Wife Hand: Well. goodbye, honey.
Husband Hand: Goodbye, dear. Have a good time in Rochester.
[ they kiss, and the Husband Hand exits stage left ]
[ the Wife Hand whistles, as a knock is heard offscreen to the left ]
Wife Hand: Who is it?
Milkman Hand: It’s the milkman!
Wife Hand: Umm.. uh.. I can’t open the door in my underwear.
Milkman Hand: You have a door in your underwear? Let me in, I’ll get in open!
Wife Hand: Well, um.. okay, hold on.
[ Wife Hand moves offscreen to open the door, then re-enters scene ]
Wife Hand: Um.. I, uh..
[ Milkman Hand enters carrying a glass of milk ]
Milkman Hand: Uh.. now, Mrs. Left – just a minute, please, I’ll just put this down here. [ puts the glass of milk down ] I, uh.. I noticed, uh.. you had quite a.. quite a milk bill run up here. Quite a milk bill, indeed.
Wife Hand: Oh. You know, I have no money, and my husband is away on a business trip. How ever will I pay you?
[ Milkman Hand looks around the set inquisitively ]
Milkman Hand: Well, uh.. let’s see. [ bends over in a funny way to gaze at the time on the watch ] I don’t have to be anywhere for ten minutes. Maybe we could just, uh.. kinda get comfortable?
Wife Hand: Now you’re talkin’, fun buns! Let me just slip this off, here.. [ bends down to remove the watch on the Milkman Hand’s wrist, as the Milkman Hand looks around nervously ]
Milkman Hand: Say, uh.. when do you think your husband will be back?
Wife Hand: [ drops below the set ] August.
[ cut to Chevy Chase standing with arms outstretched behind the Land of Gorch set. He lowers his arms and looks nervously toward the camera. ]
Chevy Chase: Uh, and now this week’s film, by a very good friend of mine, uh.. Gary Weis.
[ open on a couple sitting at a table in a dark restaurant, illuminated only by the candle on their table. The man appears to be deep in thought, with his hand resting upon his chin, as his date stares at him lovingly ]
Woman: What are you thinking about?
Man: [ looking up ] Hmm? Nothing.
Woman: Ohh.. When you sit there with that look on your face, you must be thinking about something.
Man: Well.. if I am, I guess I’m thinking about a million things at once.
Woman: Like what?
Man: Well.. like the music, what I ordered for dinner, what we did tonight.. what I’m gonna do tomorrow.
Woman: Don’t you ever think about me?
Man: Of course, I do. I’m thinking about you right now.
Woman: What are you thinking about me?
Man: Well, uh.. I was thinking: “I wonder what she’s thinking about?”
Woman: Nothing else?
Man: Well, I was thinking.. how much I love you.
Woman: How much do you love me?
Man: I love you a lot.
Woman: How much do you love me?
Man: I love you a real lot.
Woman: Ohh. Well, why do you love me?
Man: Why do I love you?
Woman: Yes. Why do you love me?
Man: Well.. because you’re a wonderful person. And, uh —
Woman: Well, what makes me so wonderful that you love me so much?
Man: Well, you’re inquisitive. Always wondering, asking questions. You have a funny way of brushing your hair in the morning.
Woman: Oh.
Man: You like Grape-Nuts. The way you can’t stand wrinkles in the rug.
Woman: Oh, that’s sweet!
Man: You think so?
Woman: [ cheerily ] Yes!
Man: What are you thinking about?
Woman: Oh.. warthogs.
[ cut immediately to her thoughts – warthogs trotting around a dirt field over a soundtrack of wild calliope music ]
[ dissolve to pan to audience member, with SUPER: “John Beresford Tifton” ]
