Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

[FADE IN on Tony Orlando and Dawn continuing to writhe about the stage and scream in agony. Buck Henry walks onstage, stops behind them, then vaults neatly over one of the women and continues on to the runway.]

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. Remember, next week, Elliott Gould. Watch him breeze right through the security guard. Thank you, Gordon Lightfoot. He’d play another song, but he only owns one guitar. Thank all of you for coming, and, uh, we’ll see you sometime when this mess gets cleared up.

[As the All-Nurse band swings full-tilt into the closing theme, several of the players leap up onstage. Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris dart past Buck and rush to Tony Orlando and Dawn, while Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin each kiss Buck as John Belushi pats him on the back. FADE to a wider shot of the studio as the main credits roll.]

Don Pardo: Our host next Saturday night will be Elliott Gould! This is the voice of Don Pardo, coming from the mouth of Don Pardo, triggered by the brain of Don Pardo, adapted from a short story by Don Pardo, and stolen from an idea by Johnny Olsen!

[Belushi has lifted Buck onto his shoulders, and Buck sways there while the players mill around them and Tony Orlando and Dawn finally recover.]

Don Pardo: Stay tuned as Paul Anka plays host to “Superstars,” premiering tonight. Good night!

[PAN back to a wide shot of the studio as Belushi sets Buck down on the floor. FADE to black after credits end.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..John Belushi
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Jane Curtin
Security Guard…..George Coe
…..Buck Henry
…..Howard Shore

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Buck Henry!

[ the offstage house band continues to play the main theme, but Buck Henry doesn’t come down the basement stairs to perform his monologue. The audience applauds in anticipation, quieting down only when the band finally commences. A stagehand sticks his head into frame, waves his hands, poits toward the back of the set and runs in that direction. He peeks up the stairs, but shrugs; Buck Henry is a no-show. The stagehand calls a robed and shaded John Belushi to the stage. ]

John Belushi: What?

Stagehand: Buck’s not here.

John Belushi: Buck’s not here?

Stagehand: Buck’s not here.

John Belushi: What do you want me to do?

Stagehand: Open the show.

John Belushi: Open the show?

Stagehand: Open the show.

[ the stagehand rushes off, as Belushi takes center stage to thunderous applause. Lorne Michaels approaches Belushi on stage. ]

John Belushi: Buck’s not here, Lorne. Where is Buck, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: He’s not here.

John Belushi: He’s not here?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. he was here for dress rehearsal.

John Belushi: Yes, I know that.

Lorne Michaels: He hasn’t come back, I don’t know where he is.

John Belushi: You don’t know — he was here for dress? Where is he?

Lorne Michaels: What you’ll have to do is, you’ll just have to host until he gets here.

John Belushi: Host, until he gets here? Okay.

[ Lorne Michaels rushes off stage to the hallway, leaving Belushi alone on stage ]

John Belushi: Uh.. well, I’m the host this week, uh.. for the show, I guess.. uh.. and, uh.. I’d like to do a few numbers —

[ cut to Lorne rushing down the hallway ]

Lorne Michaels: We haven’t found Buck.

Jane Curtin: What?

Lorne Michaels: I don’t know where he is. He hasn’t come back. I don’t know. He went for cigarettes, or something, like — he said something about — a hamburger? No.

[ Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman follow Lorne down the hall. They are, of course, dressed in costumes they won’t actually wear during the live show, except for laraine who’s still dressed as she was in the cold opening. ]

Jane Curtin: A hamburger? He said he’d be right back!

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find Buck. Go back there and help John.

[ the girls begin to complain simultaneously ]

Lorne Michaels: Well, I can’t help that! I don’t know.. I don’t know..

Jane Curtin: Well, can you do something?

Lorne Michaels: [ stops at elevator, speaks into an intercom ] Meet me downstairs.

Jane Curtin: What do I do?

Lorne Michaels: John is onstage, he’s hosting tonight?

Girls: John is onstage? Alone?!

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find Buck Go back and help John.

[ cut back to John Belushi at Home Base ]

John Belushi: — A few things I don’t like about this show myself, you know? I mean, they throw people out there. They don’t have anything to do, the host is late, who the hell knows what’s going on? I don’t know what’s going on! You know? Cheap jokes, folks! [ trips himself and stumbles tothe floor; the audience cheers ]

[ cut to the main lobby, 30 Rockefeller Center. Buck Henry, holding a newspaper, is in a heated argument with a security guard, who fails to recognize him and is refusing him entrance into the building. ]

Lorne Michaels: Excuse me. This is Buck Henry – he’s the host of this week’s show.

Security Guard: Wait a minute. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. The host of the show is a star. This man is not a star! This is not no Ray-quel Welch. This is no Candice Bergen. This isn’t even Elliot Gould! What are you telling me?

Lorne Michaels: This man — this is the host of this week’s show.

Buck Henry: I’ve been going in and out all week!

Lorne Michaels: All week.

Security Guard: May I ask you a question? May I ask you a question, sir?! I’ve never seen this man before! Have I ever heard of you before, sir?

Buck Henry: Look, I gotta go —

[ Buck rushes forward, but the security guard stands and grabs Buck by the shoulders ]

Security Guard: Listen, let’s not get physical!

Lorne Michaels: Please.

Security Guard: Who are you, sir? Who are you, sir?

Lorne Michaels: I am the producer of the “Saturday Night” show.

Security Guard: Alright, sir. I am the guard of the security desk. You’re responsible for going upstairs.

Buck Henry: Yes, he is!

Lorne Michaels: Yes.

Buck Henry: We’re on the air right now.

Lorne Michaels: I’m telling you, we’re on the air right now.

Security Guard: This man does not have a pass!

Buck Henry: I have a pass! I left it upstairs, in my clothes in the dressing room!

Security Guard: May I see your identification, please, sir?

Lorne Michaels: I have my identifiction right here. [ pulls out his badge and shows it to the security guard ]

Security Guard: Alright, thank you very much.

Lorne Michaels: Okay?

Security Guard: Okay. Alright, Mr. Mitchell, you may go upstairs.

Lorne Michaels: No, no, no, no. It’s Michaels.

Buck Henry: Henry is my name.

Lorne Michaels: Buck Henry is the star of this week’s show, okay? He’s coming with me.

Security Guard: The man – the man may not pass without a pass!

Lorne Michaels: Can you call someone, please?

Security Guard: I’m sorry, sir. I’m only following orders.

Buck Henry: It’s upstairs in the dressing room, I’ll bring it down to you later.

Lorne Michaels: Honestly, he is the host of this week’s show. I will take responsibility for him. Okay? I’m Lorne Michaels, I’m the producer of the show —

Security Guard: You’ll take responsibility for him?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, I will. [ walks toward the elevators with Buck in tow ]

Security Guard: Alright, sir, let it be on your head!

[ the elevator doors close, as the security guard picks up a red phone ]

Security Guard: Harry? It’s Main Desk Security. A couple of very peculiar guys just went upstairs. Yeah, some guy, Myers, says he’s the producer? And he’s got Buck Jones — I don’t know. Buck Owens. A little beady-eyed guy. I don’t know what they’re doing. He’s in there to give somebody a karate chop – that’s all we need.

[ cut to the halls of Studio 8-H, as Lorne and Buck step out the elevator and head for the studio ]

Lorne Michaels: Buck, how can I apologize for him? This has never happened to a host before.

Buck Henry: 2,000 miles, I flew —

Lorne Michaels: I’m sorry. I did the very best I can.

Buck Henry: Insane.

Lorne Michaels: This man, John Belushi, is on stage now.

Buck Henry: We could have left a picture of me downstairs — what do you mean he’s on stage?

Lorne Michaels: But I can’t quit. This man is obviously new to Security. Now, John is doing, is doing very well —

Buck Henry: [ offended ] What do you mean he’s doing very well?

Lorne Michaels: Well —

[ they enter the studio, where Belushi is delivering some sort of triumphant monologue ]

John Belushi: — melting Bobbitt’s teeth. Instead of melting Bobbitt’s teeth to frighten the soldier’s fearful adversaries, he gave us —

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Lorne and Buck step onto the Home Base stage. Buck stomps to the back of the set, flings his newspaper to the floor, and climbs up the stairs, as Belushi slinks away. ]

Lorne Michaels: Howard, Howard? Can we start again, please?

Howard Shore: Lorne, we’ve done the theme already.

Lorne Michaels: Can you start with the theme again, please? I know it’s — we’ll do it one more time, alright?

[ the opening theme begins anew ]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Buck Henry!

[ Buck Henry comes down the stairs, steps over his newspaper, and folds his arms in anger as he stands before the audience and waits for the opening theme to wrap up ]

Buck Henry: [ as the music stops, smiles wide ] Hi! Uh.. I-I’m really pleased to be, uh.. to be back here on-on-on the show. It’s a great thrill for me. You know.. a rather strange occurence happened to me while I was, uh.. while I was going to the airport to take the plane —

Dave Wilson V/O: Buck, we’re running a little long, can you cut it short?

Buck Henry: [ miffed ] We’ll be right.. back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

White Guilt Relief Fund

… Garrett Morris
Announcer … Don Pardo

[In front of a brick wall, Garrett Morris, wearingsuit and tie, his head cocked to one side as if hewere missing a bone from his neck, addresses thecamera.]

Garrett Morris: Hi. I’m Garrett Morris, talkin’ to allyou white Americans about the way black people havebeen treated in America. Now, I know a lot of you feelguilty — and you should. My great-great-grandmotherwas brought over here on a slave ship and was raped byher white master. And my grandfather was lynched by amob for not tippin’ his hat to a white lady. Now,they’re dead now and there’s nothing you can do toerase their suffering. However, if you would like torelieve your guilt, I am willing to accept money as arepresentative victim of four hundred years ofrepression. Send your check or money order to WhiteGuilt Relief Fund, care of Garrett Morris, 870 West127th Street, New York, New York 10089 [Superimposedtext reads: WHITE GUILT RELIEF FUND c/o GarrettMorris, 870 West 127th Street, New York, New York10089] — and if you send in before July 4th, 1976,[holds up a parchment scroll and an orange card] Iwill send you this beautiful scroll and I.D. cardcertifying you as an honorary Negro in the eyes ofseveral black Americans! Once again, that address![Smiling, Garrett pauses as Don Pardo takes over.]

Announcer: White Guilt Relief Fund, in care of GarrettMorris, 870 West 127th Street, New York, New York10089. Send cash or money. I know I have. I felt justterrible until I did.

Garrett Morris: Thank you!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 13th, 1976

Anthony Perkins

Betty Carter

The Muppets

None

Alan Zweibel

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Rosie Shuster

Al Franken

Tom Schiller



Season 1: Order Now! A Word From ChevySummary: Chevy Chase rambles on as he denies charges that SNL pads material to fill for time.

Transcript

Montage

Anthony Perkins’ MonologueSummary: While trying to prove to the audience that he’s not creepy in real life, Anthony Perkins ends up eating a fly.

A President’s View on Marijuana IRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Hello, Dolly Therapy

Dominatrix CleaningSummary: A dominatrix (Jane Curtin) tries to reform sloppy housewife (Gilda Radner).

Norman Bates School of Hotel ManagementSummary: Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) argues with his unseen mother while quizzing viewers on how to become a hotel manager.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Scred and Ploobis ask Anthony Perkins to help get them back on “Saturday Night Live.”

Betty Carter performs “Music, Maestro, Please” & “Swing Brother Swing”

A President’s View on Marijuana IIRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: John Belushi ponders comparisons between lion and lamb during his weather rant. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) speaks out against preserving natural “race horses.”

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Land Scarcity

Affair With Co-Worker

A President’s View on Marijuana IIIRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Gary Weis Film

Sherry’s BeeSummary: Sherry (Laraine Newman) tells her teacher (Anthony Perkins) that she thinks she deserves better than a Bee (John Belushi) for her grade.

Recurring Characters: Sherry, Bee.

Post-Psycho Low-Budget Horror Movie Trailers

“P-Nut Fever”Summary: A film by Phil Van De Carr.

Betty Carter performs “I Can’t Help It”

Butt County Dance PartySummary: Sheriff Rick Phillips (Anthony Perkins) moderates a dance party for county teenagers and runs their names through the central computer to check for warrants.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16

75p: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

Norman Bates School of Motel Management

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Norman Bates…..Anthony Perkins

[ open in an eerie, old motel room ]

Norman Bates: [ to camera ] Are you tired of slaving away in adull, dead-end job? Fed up with meager paychecks that never stretch quite far enough? Sickened and disgusted by missing out on the good things of life? Hi, I’m Norman Bates for The Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how you can be your own boss while earning money in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I’ll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to.. [ camera pans to scary-looking duck trophy on the wall, then back to Norman ] ..a multi-unit motor inn. You’ll recieve step-by-step instructions.. [ camera pans to scary-looking owl trophy on the wall, then back to Norman ] ..on how to make reservations and how to determine room rates, how to change the linen, and even little-known tricks of the trade, such as improving customer relations by giving guests a complimentary newspaper in the morning. [ holds up newspaper that reads “Los Angeles Times: SLASHER STRIKES AGAIN!” ]

Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity,independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let’s find outwith a simple quiz.

Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you
A) Give her a duplicate key
B) Let her in with your passkey
C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife

Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running asuccessful motel?
A) Cordial atmosphere
B) Courteous service
C) Hack ker to death with a kitchen knife

Question 3: How many.. [ holds newspaper over his mouth, and speaks in an old lady’s voice ] Important phone call, Norman. [ puts down newspaper, resumes regular voice ] What, Mother? [ puts newspaper over his mouth again ] Important phone call! [ puts newpaper down, and resumes normal voice ] Well, I’ve got to go, I have an important phone call! Just one of dozens I get every week as a fully-qualified motel manager. And if you would like to beome one, too, simply send your name and address to “The Norman Bates School of Motel Management, Old Highway, Fairvale, California..”

[ suddenly becomes nervous and shaky ]

There’s no obligation whatsoever.. and-and-and no salesman will call.. so-so y-y-y-y-you don’t have to b-b-bo-bother to lock your door, you know-you can-you can leave it off the latch. Or lock it! That’s fine, I don’t care! I don’t care if you lock it, ’cause I have the keys! [ jiggles the keys nervously ] I have the keys right here! I have the key to Room 1, the key to Room 2, the key to Room 3.. [ hits bell, holds newspaper to mouth, and speaks in old lady’s voice again ] Norman! [ resumes normal voice ] Coming, Mother. [ throws newspaper down and runs out door ]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16

75p: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

A Word From Chevy

…..Chevy Chase

[ open on Chevy Chase seated at desk, wearing sunglasses, pile of letters, a pitcher of water and a glass on the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Hi. I’m Chevy Chase, from the, uh, “Saturday Night” show.

You know, uh, we get a lot of letters. I’m kind of stepping out of character here.. [ takes off sunglasses and throws them aside ] ..just to talk to you for a second. Uh, most of them are very favorable, uh, towards the show, and, uh, people seem to enjoy what we’re doing, and, uh, the great majority of them are, and some of them are not so favorable, but, uh, recently, we’ve been getting, uh, a batch of letters that have been kind of complaining. Uh, they complain because we’re a ninety-minute live show every week and we have to turn out the comedy and fill up every show, that sometimes we just gratuitously fill up time.. pad things.. uh.. wing things, you know? That we’re not tight. And I frankly, I, uh.. take exception to this and I’m offended by it. This show is tight, and, I mean, I’m not the only one, I’m sure that the writers feel the way I do. Every word is in its place.. every word is.. is.. is.. is.. uh, uh, what is it? .. rehearsed. Uh, the idea that we draw things out, that we.. milk things, that we’re trying to fill in time.. we.. we’re never gonna do that on this show. And I mean the writers.. I don’t want to mention them, but.. well.. Anne Beatts.. and Michael O’Donaghue and Tom Schiller and.. Marilyn Miller and Alan Zwiebel, Franken and Davis, and Herb Sargent, and Rosie Michaels.. you know.. I mean.. even Lorne.. the point is, this, this kind of thing offends us.. you don’t seem to realize how much goes into putting a show like this together. And one does have to be tight, and one does have to be concise.. [ takes cigar ] I’ll be right back. [ lights cigar ] You know, all I’m trying to say is, you know, unless you’re doing it yourself, well, it’s unnecessary to write that kind of a letter.

We – you know, I’m responsible for this particular piece. You may have noticed the, uh, uh, no.. no.. I don’t mean this, but I mean for the openings of the show. My cold openings are ochesive, they’re brief, they’re to the point. It’s always tight, and, uh, we never wing it. That would be cheap. It would be cheap to just suddenly, uh, uh, uh, uh.. extemporaniu-u-isize.. [ pours water into glass ] ..so, uh, I just wanted to say that, and we’re going to get to the opening now and I’m going to do the fall and announce the show now, but I just sort of wanted to get that off my chest, and I guess everybody else’s chest.. [ drinks water ] ..but.. so.. let’s get down to the – [ stands up, then sits back down ] – I’ll tell you this.. there are many ways to go with a show. You can either go loose or you can go tight. This is a live show. Everything has to be timed perfectly. I’m so unnerved by these.. look at this. [ lifts up letters, then leans back in his chair ] I remember a time.. this was back a ways. I was, uh, writing for a show called.. [ tips chair backward, pulling desk on top of him. Gets up, takes cigar out of mouth, looks up into camera and says.. ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16

75p: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

Goodnights

…..Anthony Perkins

Anthony Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, we ran a little late tonight —

[ suddenly, Scred and Ploobis push their way through the cast ]

Scred: Hey hey hey! Are we supposed to be on?

: Yeah, aren’t you going to do a, uh..?

Anthony Perkins: Oh, yes! I almost forgot. Ladies and gentlemen — The Muppets!

[ the audience applauds gamely ]

Ploobis: Oh, thank you! You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio —

[ suddenly, the closing theme begins to play and the credits start to roll ]

Ploobis: Hey, wait a minute!

Don Pardo V/O: The Muppets are: Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Richard Hunt and Jim Henson. This is Don Pardo — Good night!

[ Scred and Ploobis try desperately to gain attention from the camera, as the cast mocks them in the background ]

[ camera pans wide to the audience, then zooms in on a sedate Mighty Favog seated among the crowd ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 17th, 1976

Ron Nessen

Patti Smith Group

Bill Crystal

President Gerald Ford

Neil Levy

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel



Season 1: Order Now! The Dead String Quartet IISummary: Members of the Dead String Quartet (John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Garrett Morris, Chevy Chase) give a silent performance punctuated by their keeling over onto one another.

Transcript

Montage

Ron Nessen’s MonologueSummary: Ron Nessen comically details his job as President Ford’s press secretary, then is promptly fired over the phone by his Commander-in-Chief.

Transcript

Super Bass-O-Matic ’76Summary: Pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) advocates an easier way to enjoy the taste of bass.

Transcript

Ford/NessenSummary: Ron Nessen talks President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) into allowing him to host “Saturday Night Live” this week.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Transcript

Jam HawkersSummary: With tasteless and obscene names like Fluckers and Monkey Pus, these have to be the best jams on the market!

Transcript

Patti Smith Group performs “Gloria”

Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Catherine the Great’s press secretary, Leonid Pushnev (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing upon her death.

Transcript

Lie Detector TestSummary: Julie Nixon (Gilda Radner) uses a lie detector to test David Eisenhower’s (Dan Aykroyd) loyalty to her family.

Transcript

The New ArmySummary: Pot-smoking Lt. Col. Scott Shuman (John Belushi) promotes the new Army for today’s counterculture youth.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman interviews Generallisimo Francisco Franco’s press secretary (Ron Nessen), regarding the current state of his death. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) discusses “presidential erections”.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Up Against the WallpaperSummary: Jerry Rubin pitches grafitti wallpaper.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.

GarbageSummary: Gary Weis explores the world of waste management in New York.

Transcript

Autumn FizzSummary: Fashionably chic woman (Gilda Radner) uses the carbonated douche.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Manic Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) interviews Ron Nessen about life in the Ford White House.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

Singing at the UrinalSummary: A trio of men sing while using the urinals in a film by David Massar.

Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Oedipus’ press secretary, Julius Marcellis (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing regarding the new queen.

Supreme Court Spot CheckSummary: Members of the Supreme Court (John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Al Franken, Tom Davis, Alan Zweibel, Tom Schiller, Garrett Morris, Michael O’Donoghue, Neil Levy) monitor the sexual behavior of a cohabitating couple (Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin).

Transcript

Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Thomas Jefferson’s press secretary, John Quincy Ross (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing regarding Jefferson’s non-slaves.

Billy Crystal Stand-UpSummary: Billy Crystal performs a stand-up monologue about a jazz musician he knew while growing up.

Transcript

Try-Hard 1-11Summary: A battery strong enough to run a pacemaker all night.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.

MisconceptionsSummary: A dramatization proves that too many cooks don’t really spoil the broth.

Patti Smith Group performs “My Generation”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Super Bass-o-matic ’76

Spokesman…..Dan Aykroyd
Bass-Drinker…..Laraine Newman

Available on: The Best of Dan Aykroyd

[ open on manic Spokesman standing before his product, which rests on a table in fronr of him ]

Spokesman: How many times has this happened to you? You have a bass, and you’re trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the dinner table. You could scale the bass, remove the bass’ tail, head and bones, and serve the fish as you would any other fish dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco’s amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Bass-o-Matic ’76. Yes, fish-eaters, the days of troublesome scaling, cutting and gutting are over, because Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 is the tool that lets you use the bass with no fish waste, and without scaling, cutting or gutting.

Here’s how it works: Catch a bass, remove the hook, and drop the bass -that’s the whole bass – into the Super Bass-o-Matic ’76. [ drops the bass into the blender ] Now, adjust the control dial so that the bass is blended just the way you like it. [ turns blender on and grinds it to a pulp ] Yes, it’s that simple!

[ cut to Bass-Drinker on another part of the set ]

Bass-Drinker: [ drinks a glassful of bass ] Wow, that’s terrificbass!

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: We’ve got fish here, fast and easy and ready to pour,mmm-mmm! Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 comes with ten interchangeable rotors, a nine-month guarantee, and a booklet: 1,001 Ways to Harness Bass. Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 works great on sunfish, perch, sole, and other small aquatic creatures. [ blends one of each ]

Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 – it’s clean, simple, and after five or ten fish, it gets to be quite a rush! Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 – you’ll never have to scale, cut or gut again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Supreme Court Spot Check

Rhonda ….. Chevy Chase
Dwayne ….. Jane Curtin
Judge #1 ….. John Belushi
Judge #2 ….. Dan Aykroyd
Judge #3 ….. Garrett Morris
Judge #4 ….. Michael O’Donoghue
Judge #5 ….. Alan Zweibel
Judges ….. Tom Davis, Al Franken, Tom Schiller, Neil Levy

[ Fade in on a couple, Rhonda and Dwayne, caressing each other in bed in a darkened room ]

Dwayne: Aw, you drive me crazy when you do that…

Rhonda: That’s why I do it!

[ They both start giggling, as Dwayne reaches further under the blankets ]

Rhonda: Oh no you don’t, I told you last time I didn’t like…(starts laughing)

Dwayne: Come on, don’t go Puritan on me! You love it!

Rhonda: (laughing) Don’t tell me what I love.

Dwayne: Ah, go tell it to the Supreme Court.

[ A group of men enter the room. The lights turn on, revealing the nine Supreme Courtjustices ]

Rhonda: Oh my God! Who are you?

Judges: We’re the Supreme Court!

Judge #1: On behalf of the highest court in the land I feel it is only fair to warn you thatyou can get five to ten years for where your hand is right now!

[ Dwayne holds his hands up above the blankets ]

Dwayne: No problem.

Rhonda: What-what are you doing here?

Judge #1: Well, according to the recent Supreme Court ruling, the government can claimcertain unorthodox sexual acts as crimes against nature and the state.

Dwayne: Wait, wait a minute, we’re consenting adults.

Judge #2: Even when both adults are consenting and the act occurs in private.

Judge #1: And legally, you’re entitled to hear your rights

[ Rhonda starts laughing nervously as Judge #1 leans in to whisper in Dwayne’s ear ]

Rhonda: They must be…(trails off into awkward laughter)

[ Judge #1 whispers into Dwayne’s ear, then Dwayne whispers into Rhonda’s ear ]

Rhonda: (laughing) They must be joking! (serious) Look, we don’t want to breakany laws!

Judge #1: Mm-hm.

Dwayne: We’re just a couple of normal heterosexuals. I mean, uh…there’s, uh, there’snothing kinky here!

[ Rhonda and Dwayne laugh wholesomely. Rhonda displays her engagement ring ]

Rhonda: We’re engaged!

Dwayne: Yeah, a diamond!

[ The judges look at each other and shake their heads, mumbling to one another ]

Dwayne: Look, what brings you to our bedroom?

Judge #2: Don’t take it personally, just look upon it as a random spot check.

Dwayne: Guess it’s kind of like being audited, honey, I don’t know…

Rhonda: Well, in that case I’m Rhonda Gwen Phillips and I’d like you to meet myfiancee Dwayne Gretson. How do you do?

[ Rhonda and Dwanye shake hands with all of the justices in a jumble of arms andgreetings ]

Judge #1: (banging his gavel on the bed) All right, order, order. OK then, why don’tyou just go ahead and proceed with whatever you were doing, and we’ll just proceedwith whatever we’re here to do. So, why don’t we just spread and we’ll watch it, OK?

[ The justices spread out, positioning themselves around all corners of the bed ]

Judge #1: Just go right ahead.

Rhonda: Uh…

Judge #1: Just go ahead.

Rhonda: …how will we know if we’re doing anything unnatural?

Judge #2: We’ll let you know.

Judge #1: OK, come on, just pretend we’re not here, relax…

Judge #3: Go on and have fun with it.

[ Dwayne and Rhonda begin moving around underneath the blankets while the SupremeCourt watches them intensely. Judge #4 lifts up the blankets and looks underneath ]

Judge #4: Listen, I need another opinion here. Now, is that legal or what? Uh…

Judge #2: Concurrence?

Judge #1: Concurrence. Gentlemen, gentlemen…

[ The judges gather at the end of the bed and discuss the matter amongst themselves ]

Judge #1: All right, all right, come back.

[ The judges return to the bedside ]

Judge #1: All right, OK, we’ve reached a decision. (bangs gavel on bed) We havereached a decision.

[ Rhonda and Dwayne poke their heads out ]

Judge #1: You’re going to have to lose the high heels.

[ Rhonda reaches under the covers, removes her high heels, and throws them offthe bed. Dwayne also reached under the covers and removes his high heels. Judge#1 makes hand motions urging Rhonda and Dwayne to continue, and they do asthe Court monitors ]

Judge #5: Fine, fine, so far that’s fine…

Judge #2: No no no, unlawful fondling.

Judge #1: What?

Judge #4: Well, I don’t know…

Judge #2: No, no, no, no!

[ Judge #2 forcibly removes Dwayne’s hand from underneath the blankets ]

Judge #2: That’s a no-no.

[ Judge #1 angrily slaps Dwayne’s wrist. Rhonda and Dwayne resume ]

Judge #4: Hey hey hey, if that elbow was any lower you’d be pressing license platesin Levittworth, OK?

Judge #2: I don’t like those breathing patterns one bit.

Judge #1: Oh, I’m a little nervous about where that mouth is heading.

Judge #3: Would your Honors deliberate with me on how low Rhonda’s teeth may goon Dwayne’s trunk?

[ The justices again gather at the foot of the bed for an almost inaudible discussion ]

Judge #1: All right, all right!

[ The judges return to the bed ]

Judge #1: Rhonda, Dwayne. The high court is going to hand down a ruling.

[ Rhonda and Dwayne emerge ]

Judge #2: Rhonda honey, place a moritorium on the butterfly flick and stay out of theslammer, OK? What do you say?

Judge #5: Hey, believe me it wasn’t unanimous. It was the Nixon appointees. Ithink you’re both beautiful.

Rhonda: Oh, thank you. But can I ask a question about the Supreme Court?

Judge #1: Sure.

Rhonda: Why aren’t there any women?

Dwayne: Yeah.

Judge #1: Ah.

[ The justices nervously clear their throats ]

Judge #1: Why aren’t…there any women? (pause) Huh, women…huh?

[ Rhonda nods ]

Judge #1: Ah. Well, that’s not strictly true. Uh…there are women. Of course, right?There just aren’t any in the Supreme Court!

Judge #2: Precisely, exactly!

[ The judges all agree, relieved ]

Judge #3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dwayne: Well, uh…we must do this more often. Thanks for coming by.

Rhonda: (forcing a friendly laugh) Thanks.

Judge #1: If you ever need us again just give us a call.

[ He hands Rhonda a business card ]

Judge #1: OK? Cause we’re the Supreme Court!

[ The judges burst into a sing-songy chant ]

Judges: We’re the Supreme Court / We’re the Supreme Court…

[ They sing the one-line tune as they proudly march out of the bedroom. Judge #3flashes Dwayne and Rhonda the “OK” sign as he walks out ]

[ Applause. The camera pulls back to reveal the entire set, the audience, and RonNessen preparing for one of the Press Secretaries Throughout History bits ]

[ Superimposition –
“COMING UP NEXT…
IS LASSIE’S REAL NAME
ELAINE HOROWITZ?” ]

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts