Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

Leon & Mary Russell perform “Daylight”

…..Leon Russell
…..Mary Russell
Joe Cocker…..John Belushi

Don Pardo V/O: Once again – Leon & Mary Russell.

Leon Russell:
“Five o’clock in the morning
The party’s still going, still going strong
There’s a conversation over in the corner
And it’s dancing on a lie.

Mary Russell:
When the music is moving
Everybody’s getting down, getting down in their stocking feet
Sleepy eyes are peeping
From the window, from across the street.

Leon & Mary Russell:
Oh, and it looks like daylight
Gonna catch me up
Gonna catch me up again
Some people are getting up
We’re just getting in.

Mary Russell:
It’s the only, only, only time
That me and my baby can unwind.

Leon Russell:
I said I swear to myself, yes I did
Time and time again
That I would give up a night life
And start laying in
But, wait a minute.

Backup Singers:
Ain’t easy!

Mary Russell:
Saying no, no to my friends
‘Cause it don’t get started
Until everyone else is in.

Leon & Mary Russell:
Oh, and it looks like daylight
Gonna catch me up
Gonna catch me up again
Some people are getting up
We’re just getting in

[ break ]

Leon & Mary Russell:
Daylight
Gonna catch me up again.

[ a spastic Joe Cocker enters the stage, clutching a can of beer that constantly jumps out of its can ]

Joe Cocker:
Daylight
Gonna catch me up
Gonna catch me up again

Daylight
Gonna catch me up
Gonna catch me up again
Again, again, again!

[ The Russells and their band stop playing ]

Joe Cocker:
Daylight!Gonna catch me up!Gonna —

[ Joe Cocker chugs beer all over himself and flails to the floor ]

[ The Russells and their band resume the final chords of the tune, to thunderous audience applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

Next Week

…..Gilda Radner
…..Laraine Newman
…..Buck Henry

[ open on Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman standing on stage ]

Gilda Radner: Laraine. uh —

[ Buck Henry appears behind them ]

Buck Henry: Hi, Gilda! Laraine!

Gilda Radner: [ waving him off ] Wait one second. [ to Laraine ] Uh, Laraine, you know that next week, May 22nd, on “Saturday Night”, Buck Henry will be the host of the show.

Laraine Newman: Buck Henry?! [ she clamps her hands to her face and sticks out her tongue ] Eeuuuuggghhh!!

Gilda Radner: Laraine, he was on before, he was wonderful…

Laraine Newman: Uggghhhh, he’s DIS-GUST-ING!!

Gilda Radner: Laraine, he was really good —

Buck Henry: [ interrupting ] Gor — Gord — Gordon Lightfoot will be on —

Gilda Radner: [ waving him off ] Could you just wait one second? [ to Laraine ] Laraine, you must be nice —

Laraine Newman: HE’S DISGUSTINNNGGGG!!!

[ Gilda acknowledges that Buck is standing behins them ]

Laraine Newman: Buck! How are you!

Buck Henry: Hi, Laraine!

Laraine Newman: Oh, how do you do?

[ Laraine leans in to kiss Buck, but he rebuffs her ]

Gilda Radner: [ laughing ] Buck, we’ll be excited to work with you next week.

[ both girls lean in to hug Buck, as he stick his tongue out ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

Florida Orange Juice

Anita Bryant…..Jane Curtin
Terrorist 1…..John Belushi
Terrorist 2…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on exterior, Holiday Inn burning, sounds of gunshots being fired ]

[ cut to footage of terrorists firing guns ]

[ dissolve to close-up of Anita Bryant, smiling ]

Anita Bryant: What’s a florida sunshine girl like me doing in Beirut? Spreading the good word about orange juice, that’s what!

[ pull back to reveal Anita tied to a stake, as terrorists holding a pitcjer of orange juice appear at her sides ]

Anita Bryant: Hi, I’m Anita Bryant! Sure there’s war, strife, and bloodshed in the Middle East. Eternal chaos can be a hassle! But even this war-toen country enjoys Florida sunshine!

[ one of the terrorists holds a glass of orange juice to Anita’s lips and lets her drink, as the other terrorists bites into unpeeled oranges ]

Anita Bryant: Mmm, that’s good! It’s refreshing and has Vitamin C. So why not get with it? People all over the world are enjoying the natural freshness of orange juice! So… [ singing ] “Come to the Florida sunshine…”

[ the second terrorists covers Anita’s face with a burlap sack ]

[ the first terrorist gives the firing squad a command to open fire ]

[ Anita’s limp body leans forward as she’s shot ]

Terrorist 2: What do we do with the body?

Terrorist 1: Uhhh — bury her in the space we have reserved for the Pope.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
Maynard Spees…..Garrett Morris
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone, as he eats on a piece of cake ] Ah, that’s a wive’s tale. Nah! [ he sees the camera ] I gotta go, honey! [ he hangs up ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase… and that’s the news! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Just kidding. And you’re not.

Our top story tonight: Ford campaign director Rogers Morgan, shown here celebrating the Nebraska Primary results, has, in an effort to reduce spending, ordered a 25% staff cut in the Ford For President committee. Among the first to go are Ford’s 60-man team of walking instructors, five English-to-English interpretors, and a flying squad of headwound paramedics.

[ Chevy pushes what’s left of his cake off the news desk ]

Campaigning in Detroit, Ronald Reagan said to the United Auto Workers of America that, not only would he never give back the Panama Canal, but that he would have the canal opened to vehicular traffic if elected.

Later, he admitted that, if pressed, he would exchange the canal for his pwn personal atomic warhead.

After winning this week’s primaries, Jimmy Carter has amssed a total of 624 delegates. He now has five more delegates than he has teeth.

A serious note: The Federal Communications Commission has announced that the words “break” and “wind” may not be spojen over the airwaves, no matter what the context.

The National Bureau of Statistics, this week, released the following figures from a five-year research program: 62%, 5%, and 37%.

Chevy Chase: Well, still another Howard Hughes’ will has turned up this week. Wid dat repote — [ Chevy gibbers ] With that report, is Laraine Newman. Laraine?

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing with gas station attendant holding up a will ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m here at a filling station in the middle of the Nevada Desert, talking with a man who claims to have found the genuine will of Howard Hughes. A will which names him as the sole recipient of the late billionaire’s fortune — Mr. Maynard Spees. Mr. Spees, did you ever actually talk to Mr. Hughes or see him?

Maynard Spees: Yes. Uh — one time, you know, I was, uh… hunting snakes in the desert. You know, one afternoon, and in the distance I saw a man lying face down, you know? And, uh, as I got closer, I noticed some needles sticking in this man’s, uh, buttocks. You know? And, uh, evidently he’d fallen down a cliff, or down on a cactus or something, and I took the needles out and I lent him a quarter.

Laraine Newman: And this man told you that he was Howard Hughes?

Maynard Spees: Yes. But I didn’t believe it, you know, uh, ’til I read in the newspaper where they said that, in an autopsy, this man had 37 little scars on his buttocks.

Laraine Newman: I see. Well, uh, can you just show us this document that you claim to be the original, uh, will?

Maynard Spees: Yes. Uh, you see here where it says, uh, “I…” uh, “give all my…” uh… uh… “fortune to Mr. Maynard Spees. This is the real will…” uh, “do not pay attention to the others, they are fake. Signed: Howard L. Hughes.”

Laraine Newman: Mr. Spees… wasn’t Howard Hughes’ middle initial actually “R”, standing for “Robert”, not, in fact, “L”, which appears on your obviously bogus publication?

Maynard Spees: What are you talking about? I mean, look, uh, wasn’t Howard L. Hughes the guy who founded, uh, H.L., uh, Hughes Products? H.L. Hughes, uh, Drugs? Wasn’t that…?

Laraine Newman: That was H.L. Hunt.

Maynard Spees: Nooo, I’m talking about, uh, a right-wing, Texas multi-billionaire, lady! That’s what I’m talking about!

Laraine Newman: Hunt was a right-wing Texas multi-millionaire!

Maynard Spees: Awwwww…

Laraine Newman: Mr. Spees, you’ve obviously made yourself open for charges of fraud and forgery.

Maynard Spees: Look — OH!! OH!! Uh — Hughes changed his middle name during his seclusion! I forgot to tell you that, because…

Laraine Newman: That’s ridiculous, Mr. Spees. Back to you, Chevy.

Maynard Spees: [ whispering ] Look, lady, I’m just trying to make some money… Could you…?

[ return to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: Laraine Newman.

“Weekend Update” has received numerous letters asking why we don’t cover the weather. The answer is simple: We don’t care! But, in the interest of responsible reporting, here is tomorrow’s weather:

[ reveal poorly-drawn Artist Renderings ]

Rain… gusty winds… and possible flooding in low-lying areas has been reported for tomorrow. But should make for some good fishing for you sportsmen out there, who love to see an animal suffer on the end of a hook for no reason at all. Otherwise, variable clouding is predicted. And, of course, a slight chance of showers — thunder showers, as it were. With an occasional hailstorm at some national parks and campsites. While just outside the city, along the beaches: Hot, sticky, and humid weather will prevail. Don’t let this fool you people at higher elevations, though, where there could be zero temperatures. All in all, clearly the weather outlook for the weekend is uncertain.

[ return to Chevy, who’s looking off to the side camera in anticipation of a photo joke. The camera position holds, so he turns to face the appropriate camera. As he turns, the angle switches to the Chroma-key camera angle, so Checy again adjusts his position and sticks his tongue at the cameraman. ]

Former Vice-President spiro Agnew has been on the talk show circuit this week, promoting his first novel, “The Canfield Decision.” On “The Dinah Shore Show”, Agnew said that the media panders to the public’s bloodthirsty desire to know the intimate details of politicians’ public lives. Agnew’s novel is about the intimate details of a Vice-President’s life.

Chevy Chase: Still to come: [ image of elephants ] GOP battle for the nomination tighter than ever. After this filmed message. [ he chuckles ]

[ dissolve to ad parody ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy Chase at the news desk, as he lets a news story burn in his hands ]

Chevy Chase: Here’s the latest report on that fire that’s been raging out of control in downtown Louisiana —

[ Chevy flaps the sheet before it burns his hand and lets it drop to the floor so he can stomp it out ]

Chevy Chase: Excuse me.

[ he reaches for the telephone on his desk, then adjusts his position for the next story ]

Professional golfer Mike Reeser was suspended by the PGA today for publicly relieving himself on the twelfth fairway in the first round of the Mississippi Open.

Well, the million-dollar Leonard Bernstein-Alan J. Lerner musical, “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”, closed last week after only 8 performances. Here’s an exclusive picture of the show taken on opening night: [ mushroom cloud ]

Charlie chaplin’s classic comedy film, “The Great Dictator”, was finally released in Spain this week. The film had been banned during the 40-year reign of Generalissimo Francisco Franco because it made fun of Franco’s friend, Adolph Hitler. Hitler could not be reached for comment in Argentina, and sources report that Franco now only watches underground movies.

[ the audience groans ]

Chevy Chase: Because we’re running out of time, I’m going to combine the next two stories:

Eloqution has won the 101st running on the Miss USA Pageant today by over two lengths. The shapely, freckle-faced, three-year-old filly said she was honored to be chosen winner, and will donate the prize money to the family of fourth runner-up Miss Texas, who had to be destroyed after breaking a leg while tap dancing during the talent competition. Miss Eloquitionist is completing her studies at a junior college, and jockey An-El Kodero said that he is looking forward to riding again at the Belmont Pageant next month.

Chevy Chase: And now for those of our viewers who may have had some difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day — [ Chevy glances at a shriek off-screen ] aided by the headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris.

[ Garrett appears in a circle over Chevy’s shoulder ]

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight:

Garrett Morris: OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!

Chevy Chase: Clifford Irving inherits Howard Hughes’ estate…

Garrett Morris: CLIFFORD IRVING INHERITS HOWARD GUGHES’ ESTATE!!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:






Bit Players:
May 22nd, 1976

Buck Henry

Gordon Lightfoot

None

George Coe

Joe Dicso

Lorne Michaels

Howard Shore

Anne Beatts

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Neil Levy

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Paul Shaffer

Alan Zweibel

Cheryl Hardwick
Chevy On CrutchesSummary: Wearing a cast on his leg, Chevy Chase smugly explains to the audience how he broke his leg while accepting his Emmy award the previous weekend. Laraine Newman has graciously agreed to do the fall in his place, and promptly pushes Chevy over a card table and onto the floor.

Transcript

MontageNote: An impression by Michael O’Donoghue is announced.

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Home Base is absent, as cast and crew ponder the mysterious disappearance of Buck Henry. John Belushi fills in as a frantic Lorne Michaels rushes to the lobby in search of his host. It turns out the 30 Rockefeller security guard (George Coe) in the lobby doesn’t recognize Buck Henry as a star, and refuses to let him enter the building.

Note: The “Saturday Night” crew had frequent run-ins with the security guards in 30 Rockefeller’s lobby. Michael O’Donoghue once threw a punch at a guard, set designer Eugene Lee pushed a guard on a separate occasion, and Dan Aykroyd dared a group of guards to remove him from an elevator. Buck Henry and Paul Simon were among hosts that went unrecognized by the guards.

Transcript

Peter Lemon MoodringSummary: Billed as the “ultimate love-rock experience”, Peter Lemon Moodring (Chevy Chase) changes colors according to the songs he sings.

Transcript

Samurai TailorSummary: Futaba (John Belushi) performs the second fitting of Mr. Dantley’s (Buck Henry) tuxedo.

Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley.

Transcript

Talk BackSummary: Frank Noland (Buck Henry) has multiple phone lines to talk with the public, but, no matter how high he raises the stakes in controversial topics, no one calls him.

Transcript

Dell Stator’s Toad Ranch RestaurantSummary: Kenny Slungard (Dan Aykroyd), Chief Rustler for Dell Stator’s 99 cent Toad Ranches touts the great American family dining value.

Transcript

Gordon Lightfoot performs “Summertime Dream”Bio: Though he composed songs for other folk singers and even put out albums of his own during the 1960’s, Canadian folk singer Gordon Lightfoot (1938-) didn’t gain recognition until the first half of the 1970’s while folk-based music still held its own over the airwaves.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Footage of fruit doubles as exclusive film from the Patty Hearst trial.

Germasol Air FreshenerSummary: the oversized air freshener is perfect for covering old dinner smells in a woman’s (Gilda Radner) apartment.

Note: Repeat from 01/17/76.

Crowd AuditionSummary: Director (Buck Henry) and casting agent (Chevy Chase) audition a group of actors for a crowd scene in a new movie.

Transcript

Beatles Offer IISummary: Lorne Michaels adds $200 to his Beatles offer to sweeten the pot in his attempt to get the Fab four on SNL.

Transcript

Not For Ladies OnlySummary: Barbara Walters (Gilda Radner) interviews film director Lina Wertmuller (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: On the town, Buck Henry talks to peopleshopping for toilet seats.

Looks At BooksSummary: Jane Curtin interviews shy, world-renowned sexologist Henry T. Rudin (Buck Henry), author of “The Ultimate Expression.”

Transcript

Gordon Lightfoot performs “Spanish Moss”Note: Futaba (John Belushi) plucks Gordon Lightfoot’s guitar strings at the end of the song.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Lyrics

Garrett Morris sings Schubert’s “An Die Musik”Summary: At his request, Garrett Morris is allowed to sing a classical song, as joke text scrolls past to explain.

Michael O’Donaghue’s Tony Orlando ImpressionSummary: Michael O’Donoghue does an impression of Tony Orlando & Dawn with needles in their eyes.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Beatles Offer II

Written by: Lorne Michaels

… Lorne Michaels
… Don Pardo

[Seated at his desk — upon which is a large photo ofa smiling Richard Nixon — Lorne Michaels, wearing agreen jacket and a yellow-and-red striped tie,addresses the camera.]

Lorne Michaels: Hi, I’m Lorne Michaels, producer ofSaturday Night. A short while ago I went on the airand addressed myself to John, Paul, George, and Ringo– the Beatles. At that time, I invited them to appearon Saturday Night and told them I was authorized byNBC to pay them in the sum of three thousand dollars.That was three thousand dollars for just three songs.Well, a month has gone by. We’ve heard from theMonkees, Freddy and the– Freddy and the Dreamers,Herman’s Hermits, Peter and Gordon, the Cowsills, andLulu. But still no word from the Beatles. I’m notdiscouraged and neither is NBC. Because of the recentacclaim that Saturday Night has received, I was ableto convince NBC to … sweeten the pot. John, Paul,George, and Ringo — we are now prepared to up theoriginal offer to three thousand, two hundred dollars.

[holds a check up to the camera] Can we get a close-upof this check, please? Which camera is it on? [Ofcourse, there is only one camera and Lorne doesn’teven make a pretense of looking for another camera -we slowly zoom in on the check] Ah! As you can see,it’s a check for three thousand, two hundred dollarsmade out to you, The Beatles. Off the record, thisincrease comes to an extra fifty dollars for each ofyou. That’s if you split it equally — I’m still notsure what your situation with Ringo is. [zoom out]Furthermore, NBC will also take care of your hotelaccommodation. Don Pardo, tell the Beatles what theycan expect when they come to get that check for threethousand, two hundred dollars.

Don Pardo: It’ll be my pleasure, Lorne. First of all,the lads from Liverpool will be picked up by aradio-dispatched Checker cab [dissolve to a card witha cheaply-drawn cartoon of a cab under an awning thatreads: LAGUARDIA AIRPORT] that will whisk them toCross Town Motor Inn, [the card is pulled away toreveal another with a cheap graphic of a skylinelabeled CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN] located in the heart ofNew York’s fashionable garment district. Once there,they will check in [the card is pulled away to revealanother with a cheap drawing of a lobby chair andpotted palm] in the recently renovated lobby and thenit’s off to their rooms via round-the-clock elevatorservice [new card: a cheap drawing of an elevator’sfloor indicator – apparently, the Cross Town Motor Innhas nine floors] where they’ll be treated like royaltyas pitchers of ice water [new card: a cheap cartoon ofa uniformed bell hop carrying a tray of ice water] arehand-delivered to their rooms, and they can drink thatwater from glasses sanitized for their convenience.[new card: cartoon of water glasses filled with icecubes but covered with plastic wrap] Oops! Ringospilled a little something on his jacket? No problem– not with prompt forty-eight-hour dry cleaningservice! [new card: cartoon of suits in a dry cleaningbag] “In by Tuesday, out by Thursday!” And let’s justput a shine on those shoes, too, [new card: cartoon ofa piece of cloth and a pair of shoes] with a free shoeshine cloth. And, Lorne, since the Beatles will bestaying in separate rooms, the four Mop Tops can stillspeak to each other [new card: cartoon of a telephone]as much as they want to because there is no charge forroom-to-room calls. And, after a hard day’s night,[new card: cartoon of a clock] the Beatles can sleepas late as they like with leisurely checkout time often A.M. That’s the Cross Town Motor Inn, [new card:the Crosstown Motor Inn’s skyline logo] a hoteltradition, hosting New York’s visitors since 1971.Yeah, yeah, yeah! Back to you, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [dissolve back to Lorne at his desk]Thank you, Don Pardo. John, Paul, George, and Ringo,that’s where we stand right now. Three thousand, twohundred dollars and free hotel accommodations. Now,it’s your move. I’ve always respected you. You werealways my favorite group and I’ve always liked Yoko,even at the beginning when things were difficult. Iwould like to see– I would like to see you onSaturday Night and so would the American people. Youknow where I can be reached. I’m waiting for you.Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Looks at Books

…..Jane Curtin
Henry T. Rudin…..Buck Henry

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Jane Curtin seated on set ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome to “Looks at Books”. Tonight, our guest is a world-renowned sexologist, a man whose books and sex therapy clinics have helped thousands of couples overcome sexual problems. His new book is called “The Ultimate Expression”, and his name is Henry T. Rudin. Welcome!

Henry T. Rudin: Thank you.

Jane Curtin: Doctor Rudin, what exactly is your new book about?

Henry T. Rudin: It’s a book which explains what exactly takes place in our clinics, and how people can achieve the Ultimate Expression.

Jane Curtin: Well, what exactly does take place in your clinics?

Henry T. Rudin: Oh, it’s our aim to take couples who feel incompatible, speak to them, get to know everything there is to know about them, and treat them to the point where they can enjoyably, maturely, and without inhibition… uh… you know.

Jane Curtin: Do — uh — do what, without inhibition?

Henry T. Rudin: Oh! You see, a lot of inhibition are based upon ignorance, as well as repressed guilt, which is usually caused by a traumatic transition from one Freudian phase to another. Because of this, either or both partners are fixated, have a great deal of trouble when it comes to, uhhh… you know.

Jane Curtin: [ amused ] Trouble when it comes to what?

Henry T. Rudin: Well, it’s very sad that in an enlightened society such as ours, to see how many people, even highly educated ones, actually can’t deal with this completely beautiful and natural display of love, and how many potentially happy relationships go unfulfilled because of various problems when it comes down to, uh — uh — uh — you know.

Jane Curtin: You-you-you seem to be skirting the issue. Now, I have a problem. My husband and I come to you, you speak to us —

Henry T. Rudin: Absolutely.

Jane Curtin: After you speak to us, you what?

Henry T. Rudin: We put you alone in a room, where you, uh… you know.

Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Are we undressed?

Henry T. Rudin: Yes, you are.

Jane Curtin: Then what happens?

Henry T. Rudin: Uh — well, uh — then, you start to encounter each other to the point where you eventually, uhhh… you know!

Jane Curtin: You come for therapy, you’re alone, you’re naked, no one’s around, you love each other, you start to show it.

Henry T. Rudin: Yes!

Jane Curtin: How do you show it?

Henry T. Rudin: Well, you’re alone! There’s all sorts of interplay, meaningful and romantic physical satisfaction.

Jane Curtin: At what point is this session over?

Henry T. Rudin: After you’ve, uh… you know!

Jane Curtin: To the point where you achieve the Ultimate Expression?

Henry T. Rudin: Right!

Jane Curtin: What is the Ultimate Expression?

Henry T. Rudin: You know.

Jane Curtin: No, I-I don’t know What is it?

[ Dr. Rudin squeezes his hands together, then subtly makes a circle with one hand and pushes a forefinger from his other hand through the hole ]

Jane Curtin: [ to the camera ] Please join us next week, when “Looks at Books” speaks to the author of “The Rabbi’s view of Art”, a study on circumcision and its effect on future statues. Good night.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Crowd Audition

Woman…..Jane Curtin
Director…..Buck Henry
Casting Agent…..Chevy Chase
Members of the Crowd…..John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris, Mivhael O’Donaghue, Al FRanken, Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel, etc.

[ open on Woman auditioning on stage ]

Woman: “Shoot, if you must, this old grey head, But spare her country’s flag,” she said.”

Director: That’s terrific, sweetheart. Thank you very much, you’ll hear from us.

Woman: Thank you, thank you!

[ she exits ]

Casting Agent: Just like you, Fred! What other director would in Hollywood would cast EVERY single part, right down to the smallest character?

Director: Well, listen, I’ve spent two years putting this thing together, I’m not gonna let some two-bit extras screw things up. I’ve got a hot script, I’ve got the best cast every assembled: Marlon Brando, Jane Fonda, Shelley Winters —

Casting Agent: Tatum O’Neal — you’ve got ’em all.

Director: I swear, George — “Too Young to Live” is destined to go right up there with the classics.

Casting Agent: Listen, before lunch, we still have some people out there.

Director: Yeah, but all that’s left to cast is the crowd scene.

Casting Agent: Well, uh — there’s a crowd waiting out in the hall. They have a two o’clock appointment.

Director: Terrific! Send them in!

Casting Agent: Okay. [ he calls out ] Uh — NEXT, please!

[ a huge crowd of actors flood the stage from all directions ]

Director: Hi!

Crowd: HI!!!

Director: I’m sorry, uh, to have kept you waiting. I guess you’re a little bit nervous. [ the crowd waves it off ] Yeah, well, just try and relax, this should be VERY easy for you. I’m gonna just ask a few preliminary questions first. Uh — your name?

[ everyone in the crowd blurts out their name at once ]

Director: Did you get that?

Casting Agent: Yeah, I got it.

Director: Okay. [ to the crowd ] Uhhhh — what was your last picture?

[ the crowd rocks back and forth across the stage, screaming, “Whoa-oa-oa!!! Whoa-oa-oa!!!” ]

Director: “Earthquake”.

Casting Agent: “Earthquake”.

Director: Yeah. [ to the crowd ] Of course! That’s where I recognized you from! You were very, very good in that.

[ the crowd nods humbly ]

Casting Agent: You know, you look a LOT thinner in person!

[ they all laugh ]

Director: Okay! Let’s start. Uh — now, you’re in the desert, and you’ve just sighted a UFO — let’s see how you respond! ACTION!!

[ one woman in the crowd points to the sky ]

Woman of Group: Up there! Look!

[ the crowd follows her gaze, then they all point their arms in the air in awe and follow the motion of the UFO as it passes ]

Director: CUT!! Good, good! I believed you! That was very nice. Why don’t we run through a couple of the basics now? I’d like you to go from a restless multitude to an unruly, threatening mob. Okay? Start restless, build up to unruly and threatening… and ACTION!!!

[ the crowd starts off restless, individual members nonchalantly smacking their hands together while talking to another member, then it escalates as they begin grabbing one another and waving signs that read “GET OUT!” and “POWER TO THE PEOPLE!” ]

[ Casting Director whistles for the crowd to back up ]

Director: Alright, CUT, CUT, CUT!! Very nice, thank you! Excuse us for a second. [ to ?? ] What do you think?

Casting Agent: I’m getting too much, too long. We want MORE, not long.

Director: [ to the crowd ] Alright! We’re gonna try something else, Crowd. It’s 1927, uh, Lindbergh has just landed in Paris; you are excited and thrilled. ACTION!!

[ the crowd displays excitement — confetti is thrown, a sign that reads “VIVE LINDY!” is waved, etc. ]

Director: OKAY!! CUT!! CUT!! That’s beautiful! Very, very pretty. Now, I’d like to see you, uh — I’d like to see you work with a little PANIC! Why don’t we try this: You are Japan! Godzilla is ravishing Tokyo! ACTION!!

[ the crowd points and panics and pushes each other towards the back of the stage ]

Director: CUT!! Very, very nice! Uh — hang on a second. [ to the casting agent ] Who taught this crowd how to act?

Casting Agent: I don’t know, don’t ask me…

Director: I want to try something. I want to see how flexible they are. [ to the crowd ] Uh, listen, Crowd — Dorothy and Toto have just arrived in Munchkinland. I want you to make them feel warm and welcome, okay? ACTION!

[ the crowd falls to their knees, hod their arms out and chatter in high-pitched voices ]

Director: CUT!! Very nice! Very nice. I think I have a good, uh, sense of your range. If you could just, uh, leave a picture? [ a group crowd portrait is shuttled forward ]

Casting Agent: How about phone numbers?

Director: Phone numbers? [ a telephone book is shuttled forward ] Thank you. Thank you very much! That’s very nice, uh — oh! I forgot to ask you one thing: Do you lynch?

[ desperate for the job, the crowd breaks into mass hysteria, as one member climbs upon the shoulders of others and tosses a hangman’s noose over a beam, and others lift a Black member of the group up and shove his panicked head through the noose ]

Director: CUT!!! GREAT!! GREAT!! YOU’VE GOT THE JOB!!

[ the crowd congratulates themselves, as the Black man is set free and the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Dell Stator’s Toad Ranch Restaurant

Kenny Slungard … Dan Aykroyd
1st Diner … Jane Curtin
2nd Diner … Buck Henry
Singers … Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman

Kenny Slungard: [cowboy hat, Western string tie, vest,thick Western accent] In these days of runawayinflation, there aren’t many family restaurants leftwith quality service and good food value. Now, we’retalkin’ about the kind of restaurant that doesn’tsacrifice that Sunday dinner feelin’ and still servesthe family a tasty meal at home town prices. They justdon’t seem to be around any more. Except one: DellStator’s 99 cent Toad Ranch! [sign on the wall reads:Dell Stator’s Inc. 99¢ TOAD RANCH RESTAURANT — alsomounted on the wall: rifles, a chart showing thevarious cuts of toad meat, and a sign reading: ALL THESALAD YOU CAN EAT – ALL THE SANGRIA YOU CAN DRINK] Hi,I’m Kenny Slungard, Chief Rustler for Dell Stator’s 99cent Toad Ranches, home of the world famous DellStator Toad Pit and the Dell Stator Patented BroilingMethod where we can guarantee you the best 99 centtoad steak you’ll ever eat. How? Because at every DellStator 99 cent Toad Ranch we breed our own toads righton the premises. [takes the top off a metal wash basinand holds it up to the camera — inside are tiny reallive toads] Like these plump young toad steers –right here in one of the Stator Toad Pits, right here!Pick your own, just like I’m doin’, right out of theStator Toad Pit. [grabs a toad] All of Dell Stator’stoads are butterfly- and firefly-fed, coated in DellStator’s special sauce and [holds a couple of toads upto the camera] they are the only toads that areprepared using the Stator Patented Broiling Method inthe world famous Stator Toad Pit, to give you and yourfamily the thickest, juiciest toad steaks and roastsyou’ve ever eaten. [walks over to two diners at anearby table] All right, now. Ha ha! How iseverything, folks?!

1st Diner: [mouth full] That’s real tasty toad!

2nd Diner: [toad meat hanging out of his mouth] Ican’t think of a time when we’ve had better toad!

Kenny Slungard: Yeah! So come on down here to yourlocal Dell Stator’s 99 cent Toad Ranch and get in onthat big bicentennial toad drive! Ho! Looks like thisherd’s just about ready here! [returns to the toad pitand lights up a flaming acetylene torch with a wink]Yeah! [starts to torch some toads]

Singers: [enter from either side of the screen,singing]
When you’re at home or on the road
And you’ve got to stop when you crave that toad
Dell Stator’s, Dell Stator’s
Dell Stator’s Family Toad Ranch!

Kenny Slungard: Yeah! And, you know, I’m the kind thatLOVES to eat ’em raw! [dangles a wriggling toad overhis mouth to the disgust of the audience]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Chevy On Crutches

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman

[ Chevy Chase hobbles onto the stage with a cast on his right leg. A red card table and folding chairs is at the left corner of the stage ]

Chevy Chase: Uh.. good evening, everybody. I’m afraid I have some disheartening news, for some of you. Uh.. unfortunately, I’ve inured my leg earlier this week, accepting an Emmy Award – uh, thank you.. very much. [ audience chuckles ] And, uh, it may be broken, I haven’t had it X-rayed yet, but, um.. Actually, I have had it X-rayed, I haven’t seen the X-rays. Anyway, obviously, I can’t do a fall for you, and, uh.. I wanted to do the opening fall.

However.. Laraine Newman – one of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players – has very graciously consented to do, uh.. the fall, instead. She’s gonna fall over this table to my right. I say gracious because.. the entire show, the entire staff of the show has been very, really terrific about my winning, uh, the Emmy – thank you again. [ audience chuckles ] There has been no enmity, no hostility, no jealousy. They’ve just been very warm and natural, and, uh.. congratulated me.

And I must say, even Laraine, uh.. who I, at times, thought didn’t maybe even like me that much, has actually volunteered and consented to come and do the fall. And I — some kind of pratfall, I don’t know what it will be. Of course, it won’t be as good as.. uh, my falls. But that’s not.. her fault. She’s not trained at that. She’s a mime, I believe. She’s a woman. Of course, women are clearly.. not built that way. They’re not built for physical schtick, or physical falling, and that kind of stuff. Physical comedy. So, I understand the hissing and all that. It’s just a fact, they’re just not built. So, as I say, anyway, she probably won’t be as good as me – the winner. Uh.. but.. uh, she’s gonna give it her all, I imagine. And, uh.. well, why don’t you give it a shot, Laraine?

[ Laraine Newman struts across the stage, stopping in front of the red card table ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you once again.

Laraine Newman: Thank you for this opportunity, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Oh, you’re welcome.

[ Laraine stretches her arm out wide in preparation for her scene, then yanks Chevy’s right crutch forward and sends him toppling over the card table, which falls off the stage and sends itself and Chevy and his crutches to the floor. ]

Chevy Chase: [ pushes the broken card table off his body ] “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts