Category: 1978

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris
…..Craig Nettles
…..Willie Mays
Z Jones…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by: Pepto-Bismarck — controls diarrhea in German chancellors. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Bill Murray.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: In Harrisburg today, the men most responsible for the Three Mile Island incident were tried and executed by a revolutionary tribunal. Tribunal members said they would have electrocuted the men, but they couldn’t afford the electricity.

Disaster struck Wichita Falls, Texas, Tuesday, when a killer twister ripped through the town, leaving death and destruction in its wake. Here, a victim of the tornado has his house destroyed and a handkerchief driven into his face.

Married only two weeks, Patty Hearst and her bridegroom, Bernard Shaw, are already having difficulties. It’s a familiar story: She doesn’t like his friends, and he can’t stand her old Army buddies.

Bill?

Bill Murray: Now, “Weekend Update” presents Part Two of the amazing comeback attempt of 41-year old Chico Escuela. We took our cameras down to St. Petersburg, Florida to cover an exhibition game between the Mets and the world champion New York Yankees. Let’s go to the film.

[ cut to film, with SUPER: “AL LANG STADIUM, St. Petersburg, Fla., April 2, 1979” ]

Bill Murray V/O: It was a beautiful Florida evening, when thousands of emotional fans packed into St. Pete’s Al Lang Stadium to cheer the comeback of Chico Escuela.

[ on film, Chico approaches fans and signs pennants ]

Bill Murray V/O: Tonight against the Bronx Bombers, in the ultimate test. If Chico does well, he has a great chance of making the Mets. If not, he’ll either have to rejoin us here at the Update news desk, or go back to smuggling dope in the Dominican Republic.

[ cut to Chico at bat ]

Bill Murray V/O: Batting in his familiar lead-off spot, Chico looks ridiculous on the first offering from the bionic southpaw of Tommy John. But the next pitch is a frozen rope to left field for Base Nine.

Foley singles to right; Chico coming on around the third!

And then, watch this: Chico’s patented pachango on third base upsets Tommy John, who isn’t ready for the suicide squeeze!

[ Chico slides into home base ]

Bill Murray V/O: He’s inside, he’s safe!

And the man they call El Bandito del los Vasquez, gives the Mets an early lead!

It’s Ecuela again, in the top of the 5th! This time in the field, putting the kibosh on a Yankee rally, with an almost spastic diving style! With every inning, this crowd grows more enthusiastic for this 41-year old Latino who has stopped the hands of time in the dirt behind second base!

Between innings, I rapped with Yankee third baseman Craigy Nettles —

[ cut to Bill interviewing Nettles ]

Craig Nettles: You know, people tell me I’m a pretty fair third baseman, but I don’t think I can shine Chico Escuela’s shoes.

[ return to game footage ]

Bill Murray V/O: Back to the game — bottom of the 9th! Mets down, 6-3, and it’s Chico’s bat that has the final say! An error with two outs — load the bases for Chico. Hey! Somebody stop this fairy tale ending! [ Chico bats the ball ] Too late! Grand slam, Escuela!

[ the crowd cheers “Chi-co! Chi-co! Chi-co!!” ]

Bill Murray V/O: St. Petersburg goes nuts!

And, after the game, the fans won’t quit! They scream out their affection! Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays presents Chico with an oil portrait of Julian Bond wearing a Mets uniform!

[ return to Bill in the studio ]

Bill Murray: Incredible! Well, as you probably know, Chico MADE the Mets squad this year, and “Weekend Update” wishes him only the best during the ’79 season. Next time, we’ll have a progress report on the success of the lovable 41-year old Latino with the grin-eating grin. Incredible!I recently got a lot of mail here, uh, from some listeners of WGN in Chicago, poiting out to me that Anita Bryant was 31-year old a couple of years ago. It’s hard to believe, because she doesn’t look it, and, besides, Anita and I once had a thing. And, uh — it’s hard to believe, but she’s completely different than she is now. You know, she’s soft-spoken now, and I have to say it’s so hypocritical of her because — if I told you some of the things… that she used to… BEG me to do. [ the audience screams with delight ] It’s incredible! Because, Anita, I’m CALLING you on it: When we went out, you drank nothing but apple juice and you KNOW it! There. I have to say it — a lot of water under the bridge — but it’s me, Anita, so don’t try to fool me, alright?

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Soviet scientists are preparing to start up a brand new nuclear reactor power plant in Russia’s Ural Mountains. A Soviet spokesman said that they feel safe in gonig ahea,d now that they’ve gotten the bugs out of their test model in Pennsylvania.

Bill?

Bill Murray: In Britain, where political campaigns are often a source of unmistakably British wit, we have this from Prime Minister James Callahan. Commenting on the likely defeat of his Labor Party by the Toeies in the upcoming British election, Callahan quipped: “When I congratulate Mrs. Thatcher, I won’t know whether to clasp her hand or hand her a clasp!” [ Bill chuckles ] When asked to explain his joke, Callahan replied: “By the term ‘clasp’, I mean, of course, a paper clip, such as might be used to hold together the various important papers and documents which, as Prime Minister, Mrs. Thatcher would very likely be handling.” [ Bill chuckles again ] There’ll always be an England!

You know — this surprised me. Demographic studies have shown that only 7.8% of teenage viewers watch the news. Ouch! That hurts. Well, in an attempt to lure some of you kids, we wanted to introduce a girl with some pretty hip credentials on the music scene to talk to you. She’s written for every magazine, from Tiger Beat to Slash Magazine. And now, let’s welcome her. A new member of the Update team — rock critic Z Jones. Z? Nice to have you here.

Z Jones: Hi. I’m Z Jones. Okay. Tonight, we’ll be talking about who’s hot… and who’s hot. I hope I get this out before those ‘ludes kick in. Okay! Who’s Hot? Elvis Costello is very, very hot right now. Alright? Dos everybody like him? Right! [ the audience claps ] Really! I mean, the first two albums: dynamite, right? But now, Elvis is beginning to believe his own hype, and THAT is death for the creative artist. I mean, it should be no news to anyone that Elvis is one of the most obnoxious and derivitive talents around.

I mean, take his song on the second album — This Year’s Model — called “This Year’s Girl”. Okay? Here’s the opening drum line. It goes: “Ka-chum — cheee! Cheee — ka-chum — cheee! Cheee — ka-chum!” Okay, you got that? Now, “Ticket to Ride” by THe Beatles: [ she repeats the beat at a higher speed, then sings: ] “I think I’m gonna be sad / I think it’s todayyyyy — ka-chum — cheee!” Same thing! I’m sorry, okay? So! Where is the real Elvis? I mean, he’s got Elvis Presley’s first name… Lou Costello’s last name… and Buddy Holly’s glasses. I mean, there’s no law that says a punk can’t wear contact lenses, okay?

Now, listen — Elvis’ manager, Jake Riviera, Stiff Records. Wise up, Jake, or Elvis is gonna be thinking up fifty ways to leave his manager. You know, like in that song by Paul, uh — uh — [ thinking ] oh, it’s not Williams… ha, I can’t believe I’ve blacked out on this on TV! It must be those ‘ludes.

Bill Murray: Uh, Z? We’re running a little short on time. You have any final words so we can wrap it up?

Z Jones: [ flipping through her note pages ] Well, I have all these notes left that I guess could wait until next week.

Bill Murray: Great! Okay. Part Two next week, then —

Z Jones: But there’s one thing, Bill, I just want to add — just a second. Jake, tell Elvis to contact me if he wants the number of a dynamite psychic. This guy did this reading for Peter Tosh — I mean, after that, Peter grew the Stones like a magnet! Tell him to give me a call — 555-2391. I’m not kidding!

Bill Murray: And, uh — if you’re not Jake Riviera, you’re on the Honor System NOT to call and harrass this girl. Thanks very much. Okay, thank you, Z Jones. Take care.

[ Bill pulls up a bust of King Tut onto the news desk ]

Bill Murray: Well, the treasures of Tutankhamun have been at the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art since last December. It closes tomorrow — over a million and a quarter people have visted the exhibit, which will move on to San Francisco from here. For all New Yorkers, I would like to say a special goodbye to King Tut:

[ singing ]
“Ahhhhh, Tut-Tut-Tut-Tutsie, goodbye!
So, Tut-Tut-Tutsie, don’t cry!
Ahhh, kiss me, Tuttie!”

[ Bill tips the statue over and kisses it hard on the lips ]

“Won’t you do it over again?”

[ Bill forces the statue upon himself for a kiss ]

“Tut-Tut-Tutsie, don’t cry!
Tut-Tut-Tutsie, goodbye!”

[ he tips the statue over ]

Bill Murray: You nut! Get outta here! Back into the sarcophagous! Yeah, and uh — you want to say hello to your mummy for me when you get back there? [ he laughs ] Jane?

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 12th, 1979

Michael Palin

James Taylor

Don Novello

None

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Alan Zweibel

Brian Doyle-Murray
Fred SilvermanSummary: Fred Silverman (John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman.

Transcript

Montage

Michael Palin’s MonologueSummary:

Transcript

James Taylor performs “Johnnie Comes Back”

The Adventures of Miles CowperthwaiteSummary: In the continuing adventures of Miles Cowperthwaite (Michael Palin), the former drool handler is mentored by the manly Captain Ned (John Belushi) aboard the manly sea vessel The Raging Queen.

Recurring Characters: Miles Cowperthwaite, Hodo.

Transcript

Magna-Gro Anabolic SteroidsSummary: Apartment dwellers (Laraine Newman, Bill Murray) use Magna-Gro Anabolic Steroids to grow a giant tulip in their indoor garden.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris). Margaret Thatcher (Michael Palin). Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello).

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Margaret Thatcher, Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

James Taylor performs “Up On The Roof”

Boulevard Of Proud Chicano CarsSummary: An East Los Angeles Chicano gang face problems during the gas crisis, so President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) comes to their rescue.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Mr. Bill Runs AwaySummary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill dons a disguise to get away from Mr. Hands and Sluggo, but ends up in a car ride to Hell with them anyway.

Transcript

James Taylor performs “Millworker”

Tom Snyder’s MotherSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) dines with his mother (Jane Curtin) for a mother’s Day brunch.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

The Adventures of Miles Cowperthwaite

Fred Silverman…..John Belushi

[ open on graphic: “Family Classics” ]

Announcer: Tonight: “Family Classics” continues its second season, with Part II of the new Dickins novel Miles Cowperthwaite.

[ dissolve to copy of book resting on tabletop ]

Miles Cowperthwaite, by Charles Dickins. As told to Robert Louis Stevenson and Rafael Salbatini.

[ hand turns book to first page ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “The wretched birth, miserable childhood, agonizingly painful adolescence, and appallingly vile and degrading death of Miles Cowperthwaite.

[ turns page to Chapter Two ]

Chapter Two: ‘I Am Nailed To The Hull’.

“It having been determined by my benefactor that a term of service at sea would make a man, I accordingly left Pinckley Hall in the company of Captain Ned, and put out from Bristol aboard his ship The Raging Queen.

Captain Ned, I learned from my shipmates, was a very manly, virile, manful person, and a firm believer in strict discipline, corporal punishment, and nude apartment wrestling. How truly strict he was, I learned on our first day out of port, when out First Mate called all hands on deck for an important annoucement.”

[ dissolve onto scenes aboard The Raging Queen ]

[ First Mate Spunk rings the deck bell ]

First Mate Spunk: Alright, please, everybody, please! Welcome aboard The Raging Queen! Now, of course, I can’t possibly introduce everybody, so you’re just going to have to wear your little name tags. And if that’s the worst thing you’ll wear on this voyage, you’re lucky. Now, before I introduce Captain Ned, there’s some quiche over here, some salad, and some banana bread in the bowl, and there should be a brie around, if someone hasn’t eaten it. And now, here is our own Captain Ned!

[ Captain Ned steps up ]

Captain Ned: Thank you, Mr. Spunk. Gentlemen, we have on board a young man whose name is Miles Cowperthwaite! And I have promised his guardian to teach him the man’s life at sea! To show him man’s ports, such as Key West and San Fransisco! I expect him to be treated manfully! Well, Miles, have you anything to say?

Miles Cowperthwaite: [ stsnds, cheerful ] Well.. I’m very grateful for this opportunity, Captain Ned! Up ’til now, my life has been the most degrading, pathetic, soul-destroying, humiliating, awful grovel..

Captain Ned: [ interrupting ] That’s enough, Miles.. [ Miles sits ] Now, men, I run a mans’ ship. I will run it in a manful and masculine way! I will tolerate no men under my command who act in such a way so as to discredit their manhood and manliness! Do I make myself clear?

First Mate Spunk: Three cheer for Captain Ned!

[ the men cheer ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “If there were any doubts as to Captain Ned’s severity, they were quickly dispelled that very afternoon, when a scuffle broke out on deck.”

[ Spunk approaches a Sailor tanning ]

First Mate Spunk: That’s my tanning spot! you! You’re in my spot! That’s my spot!

Sailor #1: You are daft! I’ve been here all morning. Now, run along, you are blocking my sun.

First Mate Spunk: Don’t you give me any back-sass, you tan tease!

[ fight breaks out; Captain Ned intervenes ]

Captain Ned: Is this how men act on a man’s ship? Where is your manliness? Fighting on deck is a serious breach on my articles of strict discipline! I’m afraid the guilty party is in for a very severe punishment!

Sailor #1: Captain.. I did indeed take Mr. Spunk’s spot. I’m ready to accept my punishment..

First Mate Spunk: Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don’t put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish.

Sailor #2: [ entering ] Captain, I encouraged this fight – punish me! Make me wear nipple-pinching clothespins, sir!

Sailor #3: [ entering ] Me, Captain! Punish me!

Captain Ned: Stop! I’ve heard enough! Your manly admission of guilt is most manful. However, as your Captain, it is I who must bear the full masculine responsibility! And therefore, I will be punished. Spunk! Take me alone! I want a boiling oil rub..

[ Spunk drags Captain below decks for his punishment ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Having had no seafaring experience, I was surprised at how different the life of a sailor was from what I had imagined. Our day began at dawn, where, after a hearty breakfast, we had punishment ’til lunchtime. After lunch, there was more punishment ’til dinner. After dinner, we would pull up anchor and sail for an hour, then drop anchor again for soem verbal humiliation, followed by evening punishment. I imagine that the crew is quite used to it, for in all my rounds with the ship surgeon, Dr. Pierce, I never once heard a man complain.”

[ Miles follows Dr. Pierce during one of his rounds ]

Miles Cowperthwaite: Sir? I was thinking, wouldn’t we make better progress if we was under sail 14 hours a day, and had punishment only two hours a day, instead of the other way ’round?

Dr. Pierce: Miles, my boy, you have much to learn. Wihout strict discipline, we’d have mutiny on this ship.

Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh.

Dr. Pierce: [ examines his patient’s knee ] Let’s see. Ooh.. I don’t like the looks of that leg, Mr. Tarvox. I’m afraid we’ll have to take it off.

Mr. Tarvox: Really?

Dr. Pierce: Yes, I’m afraid so. And probably the arm, as well.

Miles Cowperthwaite: [ confused ] The arm?! Why the arm, Doctor?

Dr. Pierce: Well, to get the leg. Look. It’s rather in the way, see? [ indicates Tarvox’s arm resting on his leg ]

Miles Cowperthwaite: Why can’t he hold the arm out of the way.

Dr. Pierce: Well, that’s.. fine.. if you’d rather do that.

Mr. Tarvox: Yes, sir. Please.

Dr. Pierce: Okay. Now, don’t worry, Mr. Tarvox, you won’t feel a thing. You’ll wake up, and they’ll be gone.

Mr. Tarvox: They?

Dr. Pierce: It. It’ll be gone. Uh.. I guarantee you won’t know which one is missing.

Mr. Tarvox: Oh.

Dr. Pierce: Any preferences? [ Tarvox gives a strange look ] Good. Good. Okay, we’ll take the.. the..

Miles Cowperthwaite: Leg.

Dr. Pierce: ..leg.. off on Thursday, okay? First thing. You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.. [ walks off to have a drink ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Perhaps this isn’t the routine of an ordinary sailor: floggings, stockings, key haulings, kneeling on our knuckles, having things dropped on our heads, being pushed down stairs, and so on. But occasionally, there would be time for activities such as steering the ship, and trying to make the sails fill up with wind. Captain Ned took a warm, personal interest in my welfare, and if a night was stormy, or even mildy choppy, he would ocme to my cabin to comfort me.”

[ Captain Ned enters Miles’ room as he prays beside his bed ]

Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh. Captain Ned.

Captain Ned: [ grinning ] Hello, Miles. Uh.. I was worried that you might be.. “frightened” by the masty weather.. [ unbuttons the top of his pajamas ]

Miles Cowperthwaite: But, Captain Ned, sir, it is perfectly calm tonight!

Captain Ned: Just so.. with the stormy weather we’ve been having lately, I was afraid this.. sudden calm might alarm you. Because I’ve seen grown men – manly men, in the full pride of their mahood, grow white with terror on serene, tranquil nights as this!

Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, that is very kind of you, sir.. [ chuckles nervously ]

[ Captain Ned blows out the candle besides Miles’ bed, leaving the room in total darkness ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “So dangerously flaccid did that night become, thus Captain Ned remained in my cabin to reassure me until dawn, when we were aroused by a shout from Mr. Spunk..”

First Mate Spunk: [ peering through telescope ] Land ahoy! Land ahoy! Oh, my God, I don’t know.. oh, it might be land, maybe it’s another boat.. Oh, daft, it might me a cloud! No, I can’t tell, this damn thing is torturing me. Oh, maybe it’s a cloud, I’m not sure, oh dear!

Captain Ned: [ walking up ] Mr. Spunk! Have you spied land?

First Mate Spunk: I’m not sure! Somebody else get up here and look! If I say it’s land, and we make for it and it’s not, I’ll get yelled for it!

Captain Ned: Alright! [ peers through telescope ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “What Mr. Spunk had sighted was not land at all, but a small, open boat. Which, upon closer inspection, was found to contain two remarkable passengers.”

[ two women climb onboard The Raging Queen ]

Captain Ned: [ greeting them ] I am Captain Ned, of The Raging Queen! Tell me.. are there any males with you?

Madeline Warrington: No. Just my sister and I.

Ruth Warrington: Yes. My name is Ruth Warrington. This is my sister Madeline. We were crossing the West Indies, when pirates seized our ship. They took our entire crew prisoners.

Captain Ned: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Uh.. can you tell me, were these pirates manly and verile?

Madeline Warrington: They were contemptible animals, who subjected our ship’s crew to the most unspeakable torture!

First Mate Spunk: Do you suppose these pirates might still be anywhere in the area.

Ruth Warrington: Yes. I’m afraid they may yet be very close..

Captain Ned: I see. [ runs to address his crew ] Men! There are pirates in these waters! Pirates who inflict hideous punishment to those who fall into their hands! [ crew oohs ] Now, we can turn tail and run. Or, we can take the many course, that which our manhood demands! Find these despots of discipline, and comfort them! What is your answer!!

Crew: Find the pirates!!

Captain Ned: So it will be done! Stand by to incur the waters!

[ crew wave out to see, in search of the pirates ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Despite six months spent in the endevour, our search for the pirates proved unsuccessful. And so at length we put into port at Key West, where we took on a supply of omelet pans and did the costumes for a production of ‘Take Her, She’s Mine’. These were pleasant times. With Captain Ned ashore buying melons, discipline was less severe, and his trips to my cabin to comfort me less frequent. One night, however, as I lay in bed writing a letter to Lord Pinckley, I heard an unfamilair knock at my door.”

[ a knock at the door ]

Miles Cowperthwaite: Come in?

[ the Warrington sisters enter ]

Ruth Warrington: Hello, Miles. We came to see if you were alright.

Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh.

Madeline Warrington: Yes. We were worried that the cool sea air, combined with the saltiness of the spray, and the closeness of ships in the harbor might have alarmed you.

Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh. Well, that’s very kind of you, but I’m not frightened! Are you alright?

Ruth Warrington: Well.. these past six months at sea aboard The Raging Queen have been somewhat frightening.

Miles Cowperthwaite: Begging your pardon, ma’am.. but have any of the men on board.. well.. tried to take liberties with you.

Madeline Warrington: No. No, not really.

Ruth Warrington: No. We haven’t been harmed at all.

Miles Cowperthwaite: [ happy ] Oh! Well, ma’am, I suspect that’s due to the discipline Captain Ned employs on this ship! For this crew is an unsavory lot!

Madeline Warrington: Yes, I suspect so. [ removing clothes ] Hey, Miles, it is terribly hot in here!

Ruth Warrington: Isn’t it, Madeline? [ removes her clothes as well ]

Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, it’s alright for me!

Madeline Warrington: Perhaps we can comfort you, then, Miles?

[ Captain Ned enters; the girls jump up ]

Captain Ned: Hello, Miles.

Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh! Captain Ned!

Captain Ned: Hello, Miss Warrington. Miss Warrington. Miles, I hurried back, as, uh.. I was afraid that the excitement of the last several months at sea, combined with the change of seasons might have alarmed you.

Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Captain..

Ruth Warrington: Excuse me, Captain, but we were comforting Miles.

Madeline Warrington: Wait! Perhaps we can all comfort Miles!

[ a look of distress falls upon Miles’ face ]

Captain Ned: Very well. I see nothing unmanly in that.

[ the three of them undress and climb into Miles’ bed ]

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Of all that I have suffered since going to sea, nothing could compare to the constant comforting of Captain Ned and the Warrington sisters. And I resolved to escape from The Raging Queen at the first opportunity.” ]

[ show Miles walking across the ship in disguise ]

“One night, while the crew was below doing exercises to flatten their stomachs, I stole the Second Mate’s coat, collected my few belongings, and lowered myself over the mast.”

[ Miles jumps overboard ]

“A war took place after I hit the water. I have very little recollection. I was evidently quite ill for a very long time, and the next thing I remember seeing was the friendly face of Dr. Pierce.”

Dr. Pierce: He’s coming around..

Ruth Warrington: Oh, thank God!

Miles Cowperthwaite: [ dazed ] Where am I?

Madeline Warrington: You’re back on board The Raging Queen, Miles.

Dr. Pierce: Yes. You were very lucky. One of the crew saw you fall overboard.

Ruth Warrington: Captain Ned will be so relieved. He’s been with you every moment, Miles.. comforting you.

Dr. Pierce: Well, Miles, I suspect you’ll be strong enough to go under the knife in a couple of days, huh?

Miles Cowperthwaite: [ worried ] What?! What do you mean, Dr. Pierce?!

Dr. Pierce: The legs, Miles. I’m afraid they’ll have to come off. Now, I’ve only got one pegleg aboard, but I can get you a nice hook for the bottom of this left knee. As soon as we reach port, we’ll go shopping for a nice wooden one.

Miles Cowperthwaite: But, sir! Must I lose my legs?

Dr. Pierce: I’m afriad so, Miles. When we pulled you out of the water, your legs were.. soaking wet.

Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: From the moment I learned that Dr. Pierce has designs on my legs, I decided to repeat my attempt at escape whatever the risk involved.

[ show Miles sneaking across the ship in disguise ]

The very next morning, after one final night of comforting from Captain Ned, I once more stowed out of my cabin and lowered myself over the side, this time completely undetected.

[ Miles jumps overboard ]

And so my term of service at sea had come to an end. Once again, I found myself quite alone in the world, with little capitol and few prospects. Of the details of my escape from The Raging Queen, as well as my adventures subsequent thereto, the reader shall learn in my next chapter: ‘I Am Eaten By Sharks’.”

[ close ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Goodnights

…..Michael Palin

Michael Palin: This — [ he stretches his arms out, as the cast lunges at him from both sides ] I said “Thank you!” Good night! Thank you!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Maureen Stapleton, with musical guests Linda Ronstadt and Phoebe Snow. For Mother’s Day, this is Don Pardo saying, “Good night, Mom.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Michael Palin’s Monologue

…..Michael Palin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Palin!

Michael Palin: Thank you. Wonderful to see you. Thank you. It’s great to be back — it really is. Well… tomorrow, as you know, is, uh — is Mother’s Day. and I know it would make my own mother very happy if I, uh, could just mention her a little in the opening monologue. I hope you won’t mind. It’s just a little disseration about my mother.

She gave birth to me in, uh, May 1943. Right in the middle of the Second World War. Times were hard that year. No one in England really knew which way it was gonna go at the time. Which is why she christianed me Michael Gunther Palin. [ the audience laughs, as Palin feels bad for himself ] Uh, I don’t use the “Michael”.

Like all English children, I was sent out to the gold mine at the age of three. My mum would come to pick me up at the mine shaft at five o’clock. She always said the same thing, bless her: “Look at you, you’re FILTHY!!” Then smack me on the back of the head with her rationed goods. Then she’d change my diaper and disconnect the little miner’s lamp I have on me… and say, “How much coal did you get up today, then, darling?” Well, you know — when you’re three, you really don’t get much coal up. You know, they send you in there with a little plastic spoon and a pusher, and you get away and the little plastic pusher snaps in the middle. Really, the best you can do is about a half-a-hundred weight a day.

Well, I was lucky, because… I met someone down the mines who was really to change my whole life. Uh, he was a bigger baby than me. Yuo know, realy big — he had all his teeth… And he didn’t wet his diaper — he had someone do it for him. One day, when he and I were working on the night shift, this big baby — Vince was his name — he came up to me and he said, “We hafta get organized! We babies have been exploited for too long! Did you know they were using some of the taller babies for tunnel supports?” So, uh — so we founded BAMBI: The British Association of mine-Working Babies. Inc. And, uh, we fought for steel pushers and blast-proof pacifiers, that sort of thing. So those were the good days.

Then my mother was, uh — she started writing a book about deprived children. So I was sent away from home to give her more time to write. I was sent a school — miles away from anywhere — called the Purgatory Academy for the Sons of the Abominably Cruel. The idea was, of course, to, uh, you know, make a man out of me. I was one of the lucky ones — it just about killed Sharon and Margaret.

Well, I studied hard — my main subject was carpentry. In fact, that was one of the only three subjects that they taught at Purgatory Academy. The other two were bricklaying and plumbing. The Headmaster promised that when we finished building the school, he’d teach us gardening and maintenance, and a few other things.

But my mother still — she still used to write to me every day. Sometimes she wanted five pounds, sometimes she wanted fifteen pounds. Eventually, it became really embarassing. HUGE amounts: two-thousand, three-thousand pounds. Blackmail notes, too. “I’m your mother! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!” Anyway, that’s why I have to keep doing this sort of job. She costs me a fortune.

But don’t worry — I have smeone here who’s never met my mother before. Ladies and gentlemen… a big hand… for James Taylor!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Mr. Bill Runs Away

(Scene opens with a shot of NYC. At a street there’s a sign that says “You Are Now Leaving New York City” on a post. Below it are Mr. Bill and Spot. Both are wearing disguises and have bags tied to sticks.)

Mr. Bill: Psst. Hey kids. It’s me Mr. Bill. You may not recegonize me because I’m traveling incognito so that Mr. Hands can’t find us. You know I figured me and Spot aren’t too safe around him anymore. So kids I hope you’re ready to have fun today because we’re all gonna run away from home! Yay! Oh boy and here comes a car! (Sticks his thumb out.) Maybe we can hitch a ride! Yay! (The car stops) Thanks for stopping! Yay! (The driver revs up the engine over so that Mr. Bill coughs on all the smoke. It’s Mr. Hands! And he gets out of the car.)

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill is that you?

Mr. Bill: No–uh No it’s not me.

Mr. Hands: Oh it is you! I’ve been worried sick about you Mr. Bill. I hope there hasn’t been any misunderstanding between us.

Mr. Bill: I didn’t think you liked us anymore.

Mr. Hands: Come on. Let’s shake hands. (Squeezes Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: No Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: And it’ll be like old times again.

Mr. Bill: Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Now come on hop up in the car and I’ll give you a ride home.

Mr. Bill: Ok but please drive carefully Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: Ok but first we need to buckle up for safety (fastens the seat belt around Mr. Bill.)

Mr. Bill: Ok but not too tight. Wha– That’s too tight! (Loses his disguise) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Let me take a cab home huh?

Mr. Hands: No I’m a good driver.

Mr. Bill: But wait we forgot Spot.

Mr. Hands: Oh that’s right. Let’s go pick him up (Puts the car in reverse and runs over spot)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Places the flattened Spot in the car) Make sure he sits still.

Mr. Bill: Oh poor Spot! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Never mind because we’d better step on it so that we don’t get caught in rush hour traffic.

Mr. Bill: Don’t drive too fast Mr. Hands.

Mr. Hands: (Sees Sluggo sticking his thumb out.) Oh look a hitchhiker! Let’s give him a ride. It’s good to help all people in need.

Mr. Bill: No! He’s going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry Mr. Bill. We’ll make Sluggo sit in the back seat. (Moves the back up the front seat forward crushing Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait no. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later Mr. Hands is driving up a mountain.)

Mr. Bill: Uh say Mr. Hands. This doesn’t look like the way home.

Mr. Hands: Oh I decided to take a shortcut. You’ll be home in no time (Starts driving faster.)

Mr. Bill: No wait these mountain roads are too dangerous!

Mr. Hands: Say that’s right. I better go check the tires. Here why don’t you take the wheel for a minute. (Takes off the steering wheel and hands it to Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t drive! I don’t even have a license! No!

Mr. Hands: (Leaves the car with Sluggo) Make sure you keep your eyes on the road Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: No don’t leave me! (The car drives off a cliff and tumbles down the hill exploding in the process.) Ohhhhh No!Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you next time when Mr. Bill goes to the hospital. Bye Bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Fred Silverman

Fred Silverman…..John Belushi

Fred Silverman: Ladies and gentlemen, in the past few weeks you may have been reading and hearing reports that talk about bad times at NBC. They say that Fred Silverman has been President for one year, instead of making things better, he’s actually made them worse. Ladies and gentlemen, this is partially not true. It’s not one year – I’ve only been President for 11 months. And when I took over NBC 11 short months ago, I didn’t promise any miracles. I knew that I was taking on a challenge that was just about impossible to wing. I was given absolutely nothing to work with. I inherited shows that even I considered stupid and inane! I said to myself, if I only I had a “Mork & Mindy”, if only I had a “New Newlywed Game”! But when I came to this network, I didn’t even have a “Hello, Larry!” But now, I do.

[ show picture of McLean Stevenson ]

And how about Gary Cloleman, huh? Where did he come from? Whose idea was this Gary Coleman? [ Gary Coleman picture appears ] It was mine, that’s who! And who was it who talked Johnny Carson out of quitting? [ show picture of Johnny Carson ] It was me, that’s who! And who was it who talked Tom Snyder out of quitting? [ show picture of Tom Snyder ] It was me, that’s who! Why doesn’t the press ever mention any of our successes? Why don’t they mention that I’m developing a new line-up in the Fall, with exciting performers like Bob Hope and Robert Blake? You know, they only keep repeating that joke, that if someone brought me Hamlet, that I’d put a dog in it. I wouldn’t put a dog in it. I might put Gary Coleman in it, though..

[ show picture of Gary Coleman again ]

He’s brilliant, he can do anything! I’ve gotten to know this young man over the past 11 months, and I have found that, besides liking the same foods, we also share similar tastes in programming. In fact, we are of exactly the same mind on almost everything! I only wish I would have listened to him about “Supertrain”. Unlike a lot of people around here, he’s not afraid to voice his opinion. He’s a person who’s not afraid to say “I like it”, or “I don’t like it”, you know? His decisiveness has inspired me to have more faith in my own personal taste in opinions. And so, today, I am naming Gary Coleman as my new Chief Assistant, with the title of Executive Vice-President of NBC! Gary Coleman! Some say that Gary is too young to be a network executive; but some say no, 11 is old enough. Personally, I think age is not important. It’s wisdom that counts, and guts. That’s why Gary and I have decided to take a bold programming gamble, and move most of our Saturday morning programs to prime-time in the Fall!

But now.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Tom Snyder’s Mother

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Ma Snyder…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Tom Snyder seated at cozy restaurant table with his mother ]

Tom Snyder: Mom, I would just like to say that this is sort of a double occasion tonight. ‘Cause I’m taking you out for Mother’s Day, and we’re also celebrating the return of the “Tomorrow” show to Gotham!

Ma Snyder: [ speaking in a drawl that matches Tom ] Well, by golly, I’m happy to be here, too, Tommy! But let me say this to you, bearing in mind that a mother of years, as well as being her son’s biggest fan, also his harshest critic — you look like HELL!

Tom Snyder: Well, don’t bring me down, Mom!

Ma Snyder: I brought you up, why shouldn’t I being you down? [ a beat, then she titls her head back and guffaws ] If you’ll just hear me out, son, you’ll find amusing humor will illustrate a point. The fact is, Tom: You’re doing the “Tomorrow” show, you’ve just taken on a new show called “Prime Time”, and there’s talk about you anchoring the news. So, my question, then, to you, son, is: Why the HECK don’t you slow down before you burn yourself out?!

Tom Snyder: Oh, alright, alright, fair enough! You’re my mother, you want to know what makes Tommy run: Work is my life! TV is my home! I enjoy talking to strangers, asking inane questions, and rambling incoherently in front of millions of viewers at one o’clock in the morning!

Ma Snyder: Alright, Tom, fair enough! But it’s a mother’s prerogative to be concerned for her son!

Tom Snyder: Mom, you’ve ALWAYS been my best gal — it was DAD I had the problem with. I was always afraid he knew how I felt about ya’ and was jealous. My God, I’d like to have a nickel for every night I’d lay in my bed awake for fear he’d come in and SNIP the darn thing off! [ he lets out a guffaw ]

Ma Snyder: I wish I had a nickel for every time I stopped him!

Tom Snyder: Well, thank you, Mom, and I’m glad you did. To show my appreciation for being the wonderful mom that you are, I’d like to give you this mother’s Day gift. [ he hands her a small box ]

Ma Snyder: Thank you, Tommy. [ she shakes the box close to her ear ] What is it?

Tom Snyder: I’ll give ya a hint: It’s kinda free, it’s kinda wow!

Ma Snyder: [ thinking ] Charlie?

Tom Snyder: Charlie! Ha!

Ma Snyder: Oh, Tommy, you shouldn’t have.

Tom Snyder: Well, Mom, I did it because I’m fond of you, I respect ya’, I admire ya’, I, I — well — [ he sips his wine and chokes ] What the HECK, Mom: I LOVE YA’, Mom! There! I said it, I meant it! Happy Mother’s Day!

[ Tom kisses his mother, as they both make pouty lips ]

Ma Snyder: Thanks, Tommy.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris
Margaret Thatcher…..Michael Palin
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Jane Curtin: Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman remarry. This story and more on “Weekedn Update”, next.

[ fade out, then in ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: President Carter expressed anger and shock after the House of Representatives rejected his standby gasoline rationing plan, and challenged the House to come up with its own plan. Well, Republican Minority Leader John Rhoades reportedly has developed a new plan, whereby only white people can get gas. Mulattos and Orientals would be allowed to fill their tanks halfway, but only with regular.

NASA, the National Aeronomics and Space Agency, says that Skylab, a 77-ton space laboratory, is losing its orbit and will hurtle toward Earth between now and September. 500 pieces of the vessel will survive re-entry, the largest weighing 5,000 pounds, with many more over 1,000 pounds. NASA doesn’t know where any of these lethal fireballs will crash to Earth, but it is hoped that most of them will land on NASA Headquarters in Houston.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Costumed laboratiory mice, chanting “Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna! Hare Rama! Hare Rama!” broke out of their cages at Duke University yesterday, commandered golf carts from a nearby course, and went for a 48-hour spree through downtown Durham, North Carolina, shattering store windows, screaming mouse insults, and shimmying unashamedly to a combination of disco music and punk rock. There were no arrests made.

Well, it looks like age has finally caught up with Chico Escuela. The 42-year-old former Met made the Mets’ Spring Training, but once the season began, it was a different story.

[ cut to footage of Chico performing poorly at Spring Training ]

As if his entire body betrayed him, Chico looks spastic and bewildered, both at bat and in the field. Ground balls that Chico would have easily gotten in his prime, eluded him and contributed to the Mets’ slow start this season. Although the crowds were always behind the former hero, he never ceased to disappoint them. As the spirit was willing, Chico’s arms, legs, eyes and reflexes were shot to hell.. and then, this.. [ baseball hits Chico in the crotch ] ..to add insult to injury, a crushing blow off the bat of Dodger Steve Garvey. After being revived, a now sterile Chico Escuela informed the Mets that he was quitting baseball. Thus ends the inspiring saga of Chico Escuela. Chico will rejoin us here at the “Weekend Update” desk as soon as he catches his breath. Jane?

Jane Curtin: The New York State Health Department said that DES, a drug taken by pregnant mothers to prevent miscarriages, causes cancer in their children. As a public service, “Weekend Update” proclaims that any child whose mom has taken DES doesn’t have to buy her a Mother’s Day gift tomorrow.

Last week, Britain elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman Prime Minister in European history. Right now, “Weekend Update” is bouncing a live signal between our studios and #10 Downing Street, London, where Prime Minister Thatcher is waiting to talk to us. [ Thatcher appears on the screen behind Jane ] Mrs. Prime Minister, can you hear me?

Margaret Thatcher: Yes, yes, I can, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Well, first of all, our congratulations on becomingGreat Britain’s first woman Prime Minister.

Margaret Thatcher: Well, thank you, Jane. Throughout our history, Great Britain has been blessed by several great women leaders – Queen Elizabeth, Queen Victoria, Jeremy Faulk..

Jane Curtin: Mrs. Thatcher, during the campaign, you stopped wearing those outlandish hats you were known for. Now that you’ve been elected, do you plan to start wearing hats again?

Margaret Thatcher: [ laughing ] What are you talking about, Jane? This is a hat! Yes, it’s my lucky hat. I wore it all throughout the campaign.

Jane Curtin: I see.. Well, turning to more serious matters, Mrs. Prime Minister, are you going to reverse England’s Rhodesia policy and lift sanctions against the new government?

Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Yes, I am leaning that way, Jane. After all, there was an election – one person, one vote. Now, I ask you..

Jane Curtin: Uh, excuse me.. it wasn’t exactly “one person, onevote”. The whites were obviously..

Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Can I just finish? There is an internal settlement, there is a black Prime Minister elected in a Democratic election..

Jane Curtin:Uh.. not really Democratic. The internal settlement..

Margaret Thatcher: May I finish..?

Jane Curtin: The internal settlement guaranteed the whites adisproportionate number of seats in Parliament, enough to veto anymeaningful change in the next ten years! Whites will continue to control the Police, the Army, the Civil Service, housing.. perpetuating the system of oppresion that fuels the fire of revolution, and creates a breeding ground for Soviet expansionism!

Margaret Thatcher: Jane, you are an ignorant slut.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Prime Minster Thatcher, for joining us tonight.

Bill Murray: As Salt II approaches, rumors about Soviet Premier Brezhnev’s health have increased. It was revealed yesterday that Vienna was chosen for the talks because the ailing Soviet leader would only have to take an easy train ride. Here, in a party meeting, Brezhnev grabs a fellow member for support.

This week — May 10th, to be exact — marked the 80th birthday of one of our idols, Fred Astaire. He was born in 1899, which means he’s actually older than the 20th Century. And this one is for you, Fred, from all of us.

[ Bill and Jane put on top hats and take out a pair of dancing canes ]

Jane and Bill: [ singing ]
“Birthday. Happy birthday.
Though your dancing shoes are showing wear and tear
You have reached the big 8-0, and you’re still there.
So I wish Happy Birthday, Fred Astaire.”

Jane Curtin: Astronomers are baffled over a new peculiar star that has been spotted in the sky. And here with a report, is our friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father?

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you. Thank you very much!

Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father, I noticed your not wearing your red stripes. Did something happen, you weren’t promoted to Monsignor?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it was.. it was just postponed a little bit, Jane. They said there was some problem with the paperwork, and I’d have to wait for the next group. I don’t know if they’re giving me a ring around bush, what’s going on, I’ll tell you. I think I’m-a gonna be promoted soon, because I came up with a great idea, and I think they’re gonna like it and promote me right away.

Jane Curtin: What was the idea?

Father Guido Sarducci: It’s called the Shrine-Mobile. The Shrine-Mobile. I was in-a this-a big-a meeting, you know? And there was all these cardinals, and the bishops, and they was all-a really down and depressed, you know.. because they just got this-a report back, and it said that the take in the shrines is off-a 55%. And-a the reason is because-a the price of gasoline is so expensive – it’s $2.50 a gallon. People just-a can’t afford to drive down to the shrines, you know? So I said to them, “Where’s that ol’ walk-on-water spirit?” You know, Procter & Gamble wouldn’t take it sitting down. You know, if the people can’t-a drive to the shrines, you drive-athe shrines to the people. You know, I figured you get in these old trucks, put the statues on the back, put some rocks around the statues, put some candles down by the feet, you know? You get the seminarians to drive – you can pay ’em peanuts. I figure if we could make like $100 a truck a month, you get 100 trucks, it’s nothing to sneeze-a your nose at, you know? So it’s gonna to be good for me.

[ gets to his commentary ]

Well, there’s this-a new planet that they spotted. It’s gonna be something, it’s got these-a astronomers baffled in the house. [ holds up photo of the galaxy ] This is it right-a here, I hope-a you can-a see it. They call it SS-433, and they found out it’s-a coming toward Earth at 30,000 miles a second. But.. it’s also going away from Earth at 30,000 miles a second. It seems-a to be coming and-a going. It just breaks all the laws of physics, they don’t know what to make of it. So I went to the-a Vatican library, looked up these old archives – you know we’ve been-a involved with astronomy and astrology for years and years , hundreds of years. And, I did-a find it, in-a this old book. The planet was called Vienne et Viennu Planet.. it means A-Coming and A-Going Planet.. and the book says that there is life there, and it’s-a very interesting. It says that everyone there lives to be 200 years old. But it’s not like they get to be real old.. what happens is, they get to 100, then they start going back again. It’s like, 70, 80, 90, 100.. then, 90, 80, 70, 60.. then you’re like a teenager again, then you know a kid again, and then you know..you have to go back. I understand this-a little article says it’s even-a more tramautic than-a being born. And what’s interesting – people on this planet, just from looking at one another, they can’t tell who’s-a coming and who’s-a going. So, like, maybe two peple meet, they’re 20 years old, a fellow and a girl. They’re 20, and first you know, he’s 22 and she’s 18.. then, you know, he’s-a 25 and she’s-a 15.. and you know pretty soon you find yourselves in a lot of trouble, and then the first thing, you got a little baby on your hands, you know?

I read about this other planet, too, in the same book. [ holds out his fists ] It’s-a like, the sun is-a here and the Earth is-a here.. and on-a the other side-a of the sun, there’s this other planet we can’t see, you know, because the sun is-a blocking it from us.. but it’s-a just-a like-a the Earth in every single way, it’s like a mirror planet of Earth. There’s only one difference, and it’s that they eat-a corn on-a the cob-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates eating corn on the cob North-South instead of West-East ] That’s it! That’s the only difference. I’m not going there, you know, it’s-a too messy. I’m used to eating it-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates West-East eating structure ] I just don’t want-a change, habit like.

Well, it’s been-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple-a moments with you. Arreviderci, America!

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant Mother’s Day.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 19th, 1979

Maureen Stapleton

Linda Ronstadt

Phoebe Snow

None

None

Paul Shaffer

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy
Telepsychic RayRecurring Characters: Telepsychic Ray.

Transcript

Montage

Maureen Stapleton’s Monologue

The Navy AdventureSummary: It’s more than a job – it’s a small handful of money each week.

Note: Repeat from 78o.

Houseguest Idi AminRecurring Characters: Idi Amin.

Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow perform “It’s In His Kiss”Also Performed:

Also Performed:

Roach Brothel

Mom’s BirthdayTranscript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

Nick at TransEasternRecurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Black PerspectiveRecurring Characters: Rosa Santangelo, Vesna Shegula.

Veterans Of Foreign HairdosRecurring Characters: Dolly Parton.

Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow perform “The Married Men”

Mary’s CandiesRecurring Characters: Floyd Hunger, Kevin, Ron, Jenny Rocker.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill Show

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts