Category: 1978

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Proud and excited over successfully putting Egypt and Israel back together, Jimmy Carter said today, “It was only the beginning.”, and then flew off to New York to try to put NBC’s program schedule back together.

Former president and Mrs. Richard Nixon came to New York this week to visit daughter Tricia, who had just given birth to Nixon’s first grandson, Christopher Nixon Cox. Nixon had some doubts about the child’s future, having heard that being a national disgrace can often skip a generation.

Jane Curtin: [ takes a watch out of her pocket and hands it to Bill ] You left this at my place. The Chieftans found it. [ laughs ]

[ Bill puts the watch in his pocket ]

Tragedy in the world of horse racing this week, when a three year old filly named Small Sist, running on a sloppy track at Aqueduct stumbled on a turn, hit the inside rail, and burst into flames. The horse raged out of control for forty minutes, but fortunately, no other horses were involved.

The Primate Steering Comittee of the combined National Institutes of Health reports that there is a severe shortage or rhesus monkeys for scientific research due to a contract dispute between Bangladesh and its U. S. marketer. The monkeys are sorely needed to test polio vaccines and contraceptives, and other projects vital to us all, so if you are a rhesus monkey watching me now, and you would like to donate your body to science, please hop in a box and have yourself mailed to (adress appears on the Weekend Update screen) Rhesus Roundup, San Simian, California. It’s a great way to be remembered, and of course, you’re tax deductable.

Jane Curtin: Millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s day today, and here with a comment is our good friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?

Father Guido Sarducci: [ smoking cigarette ] Thank-a you, thank-a you. Most-a people are very aware that-a Saint Patrick is-a the patron Saint of-a Ireland. He lived around-a the year 400, 500, right in-a there. Most people-a know him because-a they think that he chased-a the snakes from-a Ireland. But actually, that’s not-a the truth. Really, he didn’t-a chase them, he kind of-a led them. He was-a kind like a pied piper for snakes. I don’t know, it was-a just something about him that snakes liked-a to follow him around, you know. And-a you may think-a that snakes go very fast and they do if they’re just going short distances. But, like-a, when they’re on a long journey, they go very, very slowly. And-a Saint Patrick, he had-a to walk-a very, very slow, and all of the snakes followed him, and then he tricked them. He went into the ocean, and they all followed him, and he went way, way out, and he waited till they all drowned, and then heswam back in. That’s-a what he did.

You see, he was a good-a saint. But he wasn’t a great-a saint. Like-a Saint Joseph, the patron saint of Italy. He’s a great-a saint and not just a good-a saint. You know, Saint Joseph’s named day is-a coming up-March 19th, only two days away. But-a, there won’t-a be no parades, no parties, not even a song for Saint-a Joseph. And-a the reason is-a because of-a Saint Patrick. You know, it’s just like having a birthday two days after Christmas-you just don’t get-a the same attention, you know. And it just-a breaks my heart that he was a great-a saint, and this good, mediocre saint gets all-a the glory.

You know, you don’t have-a a patron saint for the United States, but there are some American saints. Just the last couple of years they made-a some. The first was-a about-a two years ago. Her name was-a Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton. Mother Seton-is-a what they call her. And she’s got-a these nuns of her own order who lobby-they’re real heavy-they came to Rome and everything. And it’s amazing, you see. To be made a saint in-a the catholic church, you have to have-a four miracles. That’s-a the rules, you know. It’s-a always been that-a. Four miracles, and-a to prove it. Well, this-a Mother Seton-now they could only prove-a three miracles. But the Pope-he just waved the fourth one. He just waved it! And do you know why? It’s-a because she was American. It’s all-a politics. We got-a some Italian-a people, they got-a forty, fifty, sixty miracles to their name. They can’t-a get in just cause they say there’s already too many Italian saints, and this woman comes along with-a three lousy miracles. I understand that-a two of them was-a card tricks. Next thing you know, they’re gonna be making Kreskin a saint. Saint Kreskin-they’ll probably call him. It’s a good one.

Well, I’m-a very happy to announce that-a next time you see me, I’m-a gonna be monsegnior. That’s right. I was-a promoted. (audience applauds) Thank-a you, yes, thank-a you. Actually it’s not until next week that-a they sign-a the papers, but nothing can-a stop me now, and I’m-a real excited getting the new costume, everything, you know. When you’re monsegnior, you get to have a nice-a red stripe, (points to his right sleeve) and they say that-a nothing brings out the good veal in Italian restaurants than that-a red stripe, you know. I’m-a really looking forward to it. I just wish I was-a feeling better. Last night I got-a this-a tattoo (scratches left sleeve) and it’s-a really been itching me. I have a little fever, and-a I hope I feel better by the ceremonies.

Well, it was-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple of moments with you. Bill, you can-a take it-a back-a please.

Bill Murray: Thank you, Father Guido Sarducci.

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank-a you!

Bill Murray: [ a bust of Albert Einstein is on Bill Murray’s desk ] This past Wednesday, March 14th, marked the 100th birthday of my main genius, man, Dr. Albert Einstein. And I’d like to honor him in my own way. [ starts singing ]

“Happy birthday to yoooou…” [ nudges bust ]
“Happy birthday to yoooou…” [ shakes bust by the hair ]
“Happy birthday, Mister Relativity” [ pinches nose ]
“Happy birthday to yoooou…”

[ kisses bust ] Get outta here, Albie! [ knocks over bust ] Jane?

Serving time in San Francisco for her attempt on the life of Gerald Ford, Lynette Squeaky-Fromme was charged this week for attacking a fellow prisoner with a hammer. Asked why she possessed such a weapon, authorities said that Squeaky works in the prison garden where her job is to assassinate weeds.

Independence, Missouri high school students held a mock trial this week and found late president Harry Truman not guilty of war crimes and dropping the atomic bomb on Japan. In a related story from Japan, Hiroshima high school students also held a trial, also found Truman not guilty, and just for fun, fired off a nuclear missile that completely wiped out Independence, Missouri.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m station manager Dan Akroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight’s Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not neccessarily mean a lack of a total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man’s career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there’s an old saying: “Behind every successful man there’s a woman.” A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn’t know about that, Dan, because there’s no old saying about what’s behind a miserable failure. [ gives a look of arrogance ]

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let’s all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin’s last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you’re on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate’s at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:


April 7th, 1979

Richard Benjamin

Rickie Lee Jones

None

Marvin Goldhar

Rodney Dangerfield

Nelson Briles

Steve Henderson

Ed Kranepool

Brian Doyle-Murray

Jim Downey

Anne Beatts

Rosie Shuster

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Personnel Substitution

Montage

Richard Benjamin’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 79o

The Pepsi SyndromeSummary: In an elaborate spoof of “The China Syndrome”, President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) suffers radiation poisoning after a Pepsi Cola is spilled on a nuclear console.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Rosalyn Carter, Barbara Walters.

Transcript

The Nerds in LoveSummary: Todd (Bill Murray) borrows his older brother Milt’s (Richard Benjamin) bachelor pad so he can try some moves on Lisa (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Enid Loopner.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Chuck E’s In Love”Also Performed: 81o, 89b.

A Bird For All Seasons

Scottish Restaurant

Little Chocolate DonutsSummary: John Belushi promotes the sugary breakfast treat that has brought him success on the ahletic field.

Note: Repeat from 77f.

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Coolsville”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 16

78p: Richard Benjamin / Rickie Lee Jones

The Pepsi Syndrome

Matt…..Bill Murray
Ross Denton…..Richard Benjamin
Two Mile Player #1…..Tom Davis
Two Mile Player #2…..Al Franken
Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Rosalyn Carter…..Laraine Newman
Violet…..Garret Morris
Dr. Edna Casey…..Jane Curtin
…..Rodney Dangerfield
Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner

[ opens on outside of nuclear power plant ]

[ SUPER: “TWO MILE ISLAND NUCLEAR REACTOR” ]

[ shows control room where Carl and Brian are working, a sign on the wall says “NO SOFT DRINKS IN CONTROL ROOM” ]

[ SUPER: “DAY 1” ]

Brian: …the longest I’ve ever had to wait was about two hours. Two or three hours.

Carl: I’m gonna give up the game. You never get a court, you know, you gotta be a member sometimes.

Brian: Well, it’s the only place you can play around here.

[ Matt walks in with lunch ]

Matt: Okay, who’s got the turkey club?

Carl: That’s me.

Matt: All right-

Carl: With mayonnaise?

Matt: Yeah, some were here. Who’s got the vanilla shake?

Brian: That’s me.

Matt: All right. Now who else had a Coke beside me?

Carl: I had a coke.

Matt: All right.

[ Matt hands the Coke to Carl, but spills the soda on the control panel ] Gee, what the- [ sparks fly from the control panel, and alarms go off ]

Matt: Oh no! What’s going on here?! What’s going on here?!

Brian: Hey Matt, the water level’s dropping fast in the core.

Carl: The pressure’s rising in the core.

Matt: All right. Give me a napkin! [ hands Matt a tissue, as Matt tries to clean up spill ] No, that’s a Kleenex! Have you got a napkin sonewhere? Turn down that alarm, it’s driving me nuts! [ Carl turns down the alarm ]

Brian: Uh, how about the wax paper? [ explosion shakes control room ]

Carl: There’s been an explosion in main housing.

Brian: Listen, we’ve got to release the number three or that pump’s gonna blow.

Carl: If the pump blows that could mean a meltdown.

Brian: What is happening?

Matt: I’ll tell you what’s happenning. The Pepsi Syndrome.

[ shows title: “The Pepsi Syndrome” ]

Brian: Pepsi Syndrome? I’ve never heard of it.

Matt: Only a handful of people know what the Pepsi Syndrome means. Maybe soon, everyone will know it.

Carl: But, what is it?

Matt: Well, the Pepsi Syndrome. If someone spills a Pepsi on the control panel of a nuclear power reactor, the panel can short-circuit, and the whole core may melt down.

Brian: But, you spilled a Coke.

Matt: It doesn’t matter. Any cola does it.

Carl: Any cola? What about RC Cola?

Matt: Yeah, RC does it.

Brian: Canada Dry?

Matt: Sure.

Carl: 7-up?

Matt: It’s harmless. It’s an un-cola. [ smacks his hands to his forehead ] Oh, wow! I could have had a V8!

[ goes to press conference at the power plant’s main office ]

[ SUPER: “DAY 2” ]

Ross Denton: Hello, hello, I’m Ross Denton, head of public relations for the Two Mile nuclear facility. First, I’d like to welcome all members off the press to Two Mile Island. I hope you enjoy your stay here and that you’ll come back again real soon. Now, there will be box lunches at air cooling tower #1 after the briefing, and later the buses will take you back to the motel for a special screening of the Jane Fonda film, “Barbarella”.

Male Reporter #1: What about the accident here at the plant?

Ross Denton: That what? Oh yes, yes, the accident. Uh, let me give you a little uh, technical, uh, background here. [ shows a diagram of a nuclear reactor pointing to nuclear energy, pointing to a toaster. ] This is a nuclear reactor. Now, the nuclear fuel here is used to generate energy here, which is sent to your homes to make toast.

Male Reporter #2: But what about the accident?

Ross Denton: I was getting to that. Sometime yesterday afternoon we experienced what we like to call a surprise. And, well, we had to release some radioactive steam.

Female Reporter #1: Well, how much radiation are we being exposed to right now?

Ross Denton: Well, I’m sure all of us here have been to the doctor and had our chest x-ray, haven’t we? Well, it’s just like that, only it’s as if the doctor had to give you the chest x-ray over, and over, and over again. Or, it’s like falling asleep under a sun lamp for a week or two! Or, it’s like drying your hair in a microwave oven! And to give you some idea of how little danger there actually is, President Carter will be here tomorrow. Now, gentlemen, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m sorry I have to cut this press conference short, but now I’d like to hand the stage over to the Two Mile players! They’re a pro-nuclear mime troope, and they’re going to perform a little skit for you, kids!

[ the Two Mile players enter and bow, as they perform their skit ]

Two Mile Player #1: [ pantomimes along ] “I’m energy! Everybody wants me!”

Two Mile Player #2: [ pantonmimes along as well ] “I’m a short-sighted consumer! I’m against nuclear energy! But I still want my stereo, and my electric guitar!”

Female Reporter #2: [ from off stage ] Question, I thought mimes weren’t supposed to talk!

Two Mile Player #1: What do you mean?

Two Mile Player #2: I told you we weren’t supposed to talk.

[ they continue arguing, as the scene goes back to the nuclear control room, where Matt is drinking a V8 while the alarm goes off ]

[ SUPER: “DAY 3” ]

Matt: Would you turn that thing down? I can’t eat!

[ The phone rings, as Brian picks it up ]

Brian: Right, right. [ puts down phone ] Hey you guys, get that stuff away. The president is coming.

Matt: Quick! Hide the V8! [ Matt and Carl hide the V8 behind the panel, as Ross Denton enters with President Jimmy Carter and Rosalyn Carter. ]

Ross Denton: This is the, uh, main control room, Mr. President.

President Jimmy Carter: Of course, I’m familiar with nuclear facilities. You know, I’m a nuclear engineer.

Rosalyn Carter: And a damn good one.

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you, sweetheart. Now tell me what happened.

Ross Denton: Well Mr. President, this is Matt Crandall. He was cheif engineer when the “surprise” occurred.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, Matt. Give it to me straight.

Matt: [ nervous ] Well, the water level began dropping in the core, and the pressure neared critical in coolant pump #2, and a negative function in the control panel prevented us from preventing the, uh, minor explosion which occurred in the main housing.

President Jimmy Carter: Hmm. Sounds to me a lot like a Pepsi Syndrome. Were there any soft drinks in the control room?

Matt: Okay. You’ve got me. You’re too smart for me, Mr. President, sir. I spilled a large Coke to go on the control panel.

Ross Denton: Well, there you have it, Mr. President. Human error. No offense, Matt.

Rosalyn Carter: Well, I guess that’s it, Jimmy. We figured it out now. Let’s get out of here please.

President Jimmy Carter: Just a couple more minutes, sweetheart. I don’t get to do this everyday. Matt, right now, what is the level of radiation inside the containment vessel?

Matt: Well Mr. President, we don’t know. The large Coke knocked out all our monitoring systems, and no one’s been able to go inside of the room.

President Jimmy Carter: Well, I’d like to go in and check it out. I’ve never seen the core of a water cooler reactor.

Ross Denton: Uh, Mr. President, it may be dangerous in there.

Rosalyn Carter: Oh look, Jimmy, why don’t we just visit the Hershey factory?

President Jimmy Carter: Please, huh? I think I know how to handle myself around a nuclear facility. Besides, I’m protected. [ lifts his leg to reveal he’s wearing rubber boots ] I’ve got my little yellow boots on. I wanna go in and take a peek.

Ross Denton: All right. Matt, do you think it’s really safe in there?

Matt: You’re asking the wrong guy. I don’t know.

President Jimmy Carter: Don’t worry. I won’t be long.

Rosalyn Carter: Be careful, Jimmy. [ Jimmy Carter nods, then goes into the control room ]

Ross Denton: You’ve got quite a husband there, Mrs. Carter.

Rosalyn Carter: Yes I know.

Matt: You sure do, ma’am.

Ross Denton: You know, you could have brought Amy. I think she would’ve had a ball!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh well, Jimmy wanted to bring her, but well, she’s got school, and besides, what if one day, Amy wants to have children?

Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, well, maybe you can just bring Amy home a Two Mile Island T-shirt [ shows T-shirt that says, “I SURVIVED 2 MILE ISLAND” ]

Rosalyn Carter: That’s very nice. [ Jimmy Carter knocks on the nuclear core door ]

Matt: Wait a minute, do you hear something?

Ross Denton: Oh my God. It’s the president! [ they rush to open the door, Jimmy Carter comes out, glowing. ] Mr. President, [ nervous ] you’re glowing!

Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!

President Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch me. I’m a nuclear engineer, and I’m pretty worried right now. You’ve got six inches of radioactive water in that room. You’d better drain that.

Matt: Okay, we’ll take care of that right away.

Ross Denton: Mr. president, why don’t you come with me?

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah. I feel a little funny. [ goes off with Ross as Rosalyn follows them, worried ]

Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!

Matt: All right, don’t worry. You’ll be fine, Mr. Carter. Just stay inside and close the window, cover youself with some hot blankets, you know, and drink a beer or something.

Carl: I called maintainance.

Matt: Okay, you call the gate and tell them the president’s coming up. [ Brian calls the gate ]

[ Matt wipes his face with a handkerchief, as Violet, the maintainance worker, comes in with a mop and bucket. ]

Violet: Uh, you asked for me, Mr. Crandall? I just finished with your office.

Matt: Oh yeah, Violet. There’s some water on the floor in there. Would you clean it up please?

Violet: Okay, but I’ve never been in there before.

Matt: I know. We usually don’t, but it’s a mess. But don’t bother waxing, okay?

Violet: Okay.

[ Violet goes into the nuclear core to mop up the water, as Matt looks on shamefully ]

[ cut to research room where Rosalyn Carter is talking with Ross Denton and Dr. Edna Casey ]

[ SUPER: “DAY 4” ]

Rosalyn Carter: Where is Jimmy? I have a right to see him!
Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, the president is recieving special treatment right now.

Rosalyn Carter: What kind of special treatment? Why can’t I see him?

Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, this is Dr. Edna Casey. Perhaps she can explain better than I what has happened to the president.

Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs. Carter, your husband was exposed to massive doses of radiation. Now this has affected the entire cell structure of his body and greatly accelerated the growth process.

Rosalyn Carter: Well, what does that mean?

Dr. Edna Casey: It means, Mrs. Carter, your husband, President Carter, has become [ camera zooms in on Dr. Edna Casey ] The amazing colossal president.

Rosalyn Carter: Well how big is he?

Dr. Edna Casey: Well Mrs. Carter, it’s difficult to comprehend just how big he is but to give you some idea, we’ve asked comedian Rodney Dangerfield to come along today to help explain it to you. Rodney?

[ Rodney Dangerfield enters ]

Rodney Dangerfield: How do you do, how are you?

Ross Denton: Rodney, can you please tell us, how big is the president?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s a big guy, I’ll tell you that, he’s a big guy. I tell you he’s so big, I saw him sitting in the George Washington bridge dangling his feet in the water! He’s a big guy!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh my God! Jimmy! Oh God!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s big, I’ll tell you that, boy. He’s so big that when two girls make love to him at the same time, they never meet each other! He’s a big guy, I’ll tell you!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh no! Oh Jimmy! My Jimmy!

Rodney Dangerfield: I don’t want to upset you lady, he’s big, you know what I mean? Why he could have an affair with the Lincoln Tunnel! I mean, he’s really high! He’s big, I’ll tell you! He’s a big guy!

Rosalyn Carter: No! No! No!

Ross Denton: Rodney, thank you very much. You can go.

Rodney Dangerfield: It’s my pleasure. He’s way up there, lady! you know what I mean? [ goes off, leaving Rosalyn Carter very upset ]

Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs Carter, perhaps this chart can give you a more precise measurement of his size. [ shows chart comparing sizes of animals ] Now the figure on the left represents Vice President Mondale. This is Tip O’Neill, Speaker of the house, Democrat, Massachussetts. This is an Indian elephant, this is a brontosaurus, and this, I’m afraid, [ pulls back flap to show that President Carter is about twice the size of a brontosaurus ] is President Carter. [ Rosalyn Carter bursts into tears, as Ross Denton lets her head rest on his shoulder ]

[ goes back into press conference at the power plant’s main office, with Baba Wawa reporting. ]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo, this is Baba Wawa speaking to you wive fwom Two Miwe Iwand. I’m speaking to you wive fwom the Two Miwe Iwand Nucweaw Weactow site whewe wumows awe wunning wampant that the pwesident has been exthposed to wethaw wevews of wadiation. And he has gwown to an incwedibly widiculous pwopowtion. He’s weawwy, weawwy, wawge. Pwesentwy, Woss Denton, spokespewson fow the utiwity company which wuns the nucweaw weactow wiww enter this woom to wespond to the pwess. Watew tonight, at 10:30, 9:30 centwaw, ABC wiww pwesent a speciaw half houw wepowt, “How big is the President?” hosted by Fwank Weynolds and Wodney Dangewfiewd. [ Ross enters the room with Rosalyn Carter and Dr. Edna Casey ] I see Woss Denton is appwoaching the podium and seems weady to speak. Wet’s wisten in.

Ross Denton: Good afternoon, good afternoon, ladies and gentleman of the press. First, as to the president’s condition, let me say that the president is feeling certainly “stronger” than he’s ever felt. And he would like to be with us right here, in this room if he could. I think now I’ll just open the door to questions-

Female Reporter #1: Yes, is it true that the president is 100 feet tall?

Ross Denton: Nooooo! Absolutely not!

Male reporter #3: Is the president 90 feet tall?

Ross Denton: No comment. Yes?

Male Reporter #1: Yes. While the Constitution does not specifically exclude giants and behemoths from the presidency, is it not true that the Mr. Carter’s enourmous size really violates the spirit of-

Dr. Edna Casey: Look! There he is! It’s the president!

[ a gigantic Jimmy Carter is seen outside of the window ]

Everyone in room: Mr. President! Mr. President!

President Jimmy Carter: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m afraid that since the army clothing engineers have been unable to fit me with a giant loincloth, I’ll have to adress you through this window. First, let me say that this experience has not changed my committment to nuclear power, nor do I believe that my enourmous size will in any way limit my abilities to perfrom my duties in my office. However, this will mean some changes in my personal life. Rosalyn, I hate to spring this on you this way, but I’d like to introduce you all to my future wife and my next first lady. She was a widow, and, until recently, a maintainance worker here at Two Mile Island. Miss Violet Crawford.

[ Violet comes in looking through the window, having also become a giant from radiation, as Rosalyn Carter hits the wall in shock ]

Violet: Hi, everybody. As First Lady, I’d like to say I have nothing against nuclear power, honey. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

[ Jimmy and Violet kiss, as Rosalyn sinks to the floor, appalled, as the reporters leave ]

[ fade out ]

submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 14th, 1979

Milton Berle

Ornette Coleman

None

None

Paul Shaffer

Brian Doyle-Murray
Texaco Star TheatreSummary: Because Mr. Television himself is hosting tonight, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and John Belushi re-create the opening for the Texaco Star Theater.

Transcript

Montage

Milton Berle’s MonologueSummary: Although he wishes he had all night, Milton Berle performs five minutes’ worth of jokes and one-liners from his nightclub act.

Transcript

The WidettesRecurring Characters: Betty Widette, Bob Widette, Jeff Widette, Tammy Widette.

Rock ConcertSummary: Don Kirshner (Paul Shaffer) and his daughter Karen (Gilda Radner) introduce effeminate disco band The Village Persons (Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi) as they perform “Bend Over, Chuck Berry”.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) plays for the Mets. Rock critic Z Jones (Laraine Newman) ponders the derivative nature of Elvis Costello.

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela.

Transcript

Launching Pad with Buddy Pine

On The SpotSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) interviews sleazy amusement park operator Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Joan Face, Irwin Mainway.

Transcript

The Farber SistersSummary: Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) and her baby sister Sylvia (Laraine Newman) visit their father (Milton Berle) in the nursing home.

Recurring Characters: Bobbi Farber.

Milton Berle’s Japanese Writers

Ornette Coleman performs “Times Square”

Milton Berle sings “September Song”Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

Goodnights

…..Milton Berle

Milton Berle: [ he claps his hands ] Good night, everyone! Thank you! Good night! Hey! Look at this one! [ he blows a kiss toward Bill Murray, though Bill appears uninterested ]

[ as the camera pulls back, we can see the audience members surrounding Home Base have provided Berle his standing ovation ]

Announcer: This is Don Pardo, saying… “Good night!”

[ the camera pulls farther back, and we can see that all the audience members, including the balcony, are giving Berle a standing ovation ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

Milton Berle’s Monologue

…..Milton Berle

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Television himself: MILTON BERLE!!!

[Mr. Television emerges through the door and mugs for the audience before he dismounts the stairs to great fanfare and the band winds up quickly.]

Milton Berle: Oh, boy, look at this! Lovin’ it! [cheers and applause] You love me! You want me! How ’bout this, huh? [cheers] Thank you! Thank you! You want me. You love me. I think I’ll quit right now, I think this is a little too big. Thank you very much. Let’s hear it! [suddenly motions for quiet] Hold it, folks. Please? We’ve only got ninety minutes!

[riotous cheers]

You folks on the show, hold it, please. [gestures toward band] Let’s hear it for Lee Marvin and His Witnesses, ladies and gentlemen. Take a bow. Lovely outfit. You always dress this classy? Now, uh… I don’t feel much like workin’, I got bad news, my wife ran away with my best friend… and I miss him.

[laughter]

I’m unlucky, I’m goin’ bad, I should, um… I’m so unlucky, if they sawed a woman in half, I’d get the part that eats. Would you believe that?

I’m goin’ bad, I’m a real loser. Last night, for example, I dreamt… [turns around toward band] Which joke are YOU workin’ on back there, huh? It’s the black guy, huh? You’re lucky, pal, you can walk home alone at three in the morning.

[laughter and applause]

I, uh… Will you laugh at the real joke? Now, I’ll show you how bad I’m gone… last night I dreamt Dolly Parton was my mother, and I was a bottle baby. [guffaws] Oh, before I go any further, hold it, hold the music–a flash just come over the air. Forty-four Puerto Ricans in a crash. The bed broke. Just came over the air just now.

[embarrassed laughter]

But I… [pats chest] Ooooh. God, I’ve got so much gas, I’m being followed by Arabs. But this, uh… No, I wanna tell ya, everybody looks wonderful. [points at audience member] I’m sorry, sir, your head is shining right in my eyes.

[Berle walks toward the man, who playfully covers up his bald head with his hands.]

For a minute I thought you were sitting upside down. But it is REALLY…

[laughter]

No, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. Is this your wife? Well, what’re ya gonna do… The, uh… This other couple here look very, very sweet. Is this your wife, sir?

Audience Member: [softly] Oh, no.

Milton Berle: Oh, no? Oh. Motel job, huh? Okay, NOW. Motel spelled backwards: “let him.” The, uh… two, three four. But, uh… No, she’s very pretty. She’s very pretty. You got any NUDE pictures of her? No?

Audience Member: [barely audible] Wanna buy…

Milton Berle: Wanna buy some? [reaches inside his suit] I speak to everyone, I really do. [to right] Pull up your dress, there, pull up. [hikes up his breast pockets] Catch your breasts down, they’re comin’ out. I, uh… God, I can’t wait until she hiccups. Reminds me, I gotta get a new set of tires. But this, uh… Reminds me, I got a new set of tires…

[soft laughter]

[imitating a magician with his hand] Here’s another one you may not care for. I have a lot of these gems. It’s a good audience, I’m really thrilled, really. I haven’t been so thrilled since I won Truman Capote on “The Dating Game.” But this is a good audience, I’ll tell ya why–because it’s so young–oh, see what it says? [walks toward left] “Hi, Uncle Miltie.”

[He walks up to the same bald guy, who now dons a visor on his pate.]

Milton Berle: Let me see that, sir.

[He pulls the visor off and raps his head lightly with it.]

Milton Berle: Get outta here, will ya? [laughter] I’d like to put my finger in your ear and go bowling.

[laughter]You’re pretty old to come to this kind of a show, pal, with no hair. Look at the young people! You talk about, this is a young audience. I was in Miami Beach, I was in Miami Beach, and… Are you from Miami Beach? You heard the applause. And, uh… I was in Miami Beach, we had an audience–not like this–I’d say the average age of the audience in Miami Beach was “deceased.” But I’m glad I’m back in New York, because I love it here, I really do…

[cheers and applause]

I haven’t been–no, listen–I, this is the truth, I haven’t been in New York for a long time. There’s so many changes here. For example, I was walking on Fifth Avenue the other day, I saw a guy dressed very funny. I walked over to him, I said, “Are you a Jehovah Witness?” He said, “I didn’t even see the accident.”

[lukewarm laughter]

“I didn’t even see the accident…” [examines his fingernails] What’d the rest of you think of it? I wanna tell ya, you can’t go out at night here, it’s murder. You go out at night to buy a paper, the next morning, you’re in it. I, uh, I’m… Which joke are YOU workin’ on there? I’m staying over here at the Essex House, they put me over here. Really. Last night by mistake, I knocked on the wrong door– [knocks on microphone] –knocked on the wrong door, a girl opened the door, and she said, “Yes?” I didn’t even ask her. Every–next door to my room was a Hawaiian honeymoon couple, ’cause all night long I heard the girl yellin’, “Luau!” Heh, heh, heh!

[Audience laughs politely, then a touch harder as Berle looks dejected.]

Can I see your library cards tonight, please? And on the other side of my room, must be a newlywed couple, ’cause I heard the husband say to the wife, “Tell me, darling, am I the first one?” She says, “Why does everybody always keep asking me that?” But I love it here. I got married, by the way, at the Essex House, twenty-five years ago. This is my twenty-fifth anniversary. Let’s hear it out there, my twenty-fifth…

[cheers and applause]

Twenty-five years! This is the truth! Twenty-five years, to the same woman. I think that’s remarkable in show business. When I got married, when we got married first, my wife must’ve thought I was very sexy. Now she’s complaining a little. We were in bed together a couple of months ago… [looks dejected] She said to me, “Milton… even eggs take three minutes.” But, uh… I tried, I tried, I tried to please her. In the bedroom, I put up mirrors on the wall, mirrors on the ceiling… Now I get twelve different views of her headache.

[soft applause]

The kids don’t know about that stuff. Okay. But… I tell ya what, I went to expense–I bought us a waterbed, a waterbed. She calls it the Dead Sea.

[laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen, I was asked by the producers of this show–

[A sudden clang rings out from the band section, as though a music stand has fallen over.]

Milton Berle: [looks around] What the hell? [laughter] NBC just dropped another show. I, uh…

[cheers and applause]

What the hell’s goin’ on here? It’s a live show. Before we go any further, I was requested, by the, uh, producer of the show, that there’s gonna be some great hosts on here in the future. George Burns, they’re trying to get George Burns–he’s great, he looks just like he did 40 years ago. Old. I can’t tell you how old Burns is, but I think he was circumcised with a stone knife.

[laughter]

He’s old, man, I’m tellin’ ya. [mumbles] Aw, forget it.

[A woman’s voice calls out from off camera.]

Milton Berle: What’d ya say? That’s it? I’m all through? That’s it? The monologue’s through? [checks watch] Good, I can catch “Gilligan’s Island.”

[laughter and applause]

You mean I don’t do any more after this? It’s only five minutes. Are you kidding? [rubs his lapel] I usually bow for twenty. [looks dejected] Well, that’s the monologue. [chuckles] Thank you. We’ll be right back.

[ZOOM OUT over applause as Berle fakes outrage. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

Rock Concert

Don Kirshner … Paul Shaffer
Karen Kirshner … Gilda Radner
Cop … Garrett Morris
Indian … John Belushi
Biker … Dan Aykroyd
Construction Worker … Bill Murray

[Pop music impresario Don Kirshner sits in a TVcontrol room, woodenly reading off cue cards,addressing the camera.]

Don Kirshner: I’m Don Kirshner and welcome toRock Concert. I first met the Village Persons twoyears ago when their lead singer, Lyle Manning,provided the floral arrangements for my daughterKaren’s bas mitzvah. Today, thanks to the brilliantdisco production of Giorgio Morali and to theirmanager Maury Mineo, they have become a vibrant forcein the music industry. Now, to introduce them from theperspective of a young person who can enjoy theirmusic without understanding its homosexualconnotations, here is my daughter, KarenKirshner.

[Applause for Karen Kirshner who enters and sits nextto Don — she, too, reads the cue cards woodenly,sounding exactly like her father.]

Karen Kirshner: I first saw the Village Personsperform at L.A.’s famed Roxy Theater where theydebuted their hit single “Health Club Man.” Tonight,thanks to my good friend Herb Karp at PolysutraRecords, they’re here to perform their new hit, “BendOver, Chuck Berry.” Ladies and gentlemen, pleasewelcome The Village Persons.

[Applause. Disco music begins. Dissolve to a mirroredchandelier and pan down to reveal a glittering discoset where the Village Persons gyrate to the beat: anative American Indian in full tribal regalia, aconstruction worker, a biker in leather with a thickmustache, a sailor, a cowboy and the wildly intense,energetic lead singer, a uniformed cop.]

The Village Persons:
Bend over … Bend over and over
Bend over and over and over
Bend over and over and over

Cop:
I went down to the disco to make it with my localdeejay
Well, he looks so good in leather and he knows whichrecords to play
Well, I walked right up to him but I didn’t know whatto say
Uh huh!
Well, he told me he was macho and he worked outdown at the gym
Ha ha! Yeah!

The Village Persons: Bend over, over andover

Cop: I said, hey, look, you’re the boss andthe turntable started to spin

The Village Persons: Bend over, over andover

Cop: And before too long I was reallygettin’ in to him

The Village Persons:
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Bend over, Chuck Berry
Put your guitar away
‘Cause they’re playin’ disco music
From New York to L.A.

Cop: Not to mention Philadelphia, P-A.

The Village Persons:
Take a look around you
There’s no more rock and roll today
So bend over, Chuck Berry
Disco is here to stay

The Village Persons: [posing provocatively]
Bend over … Bend over and over
Bend over and over and over

Cop:
… Yeah!
So the next time you’re lonely and you’re crawlingon your hands and knees

The Village Persons: Bend over, over andover

Cop: And you’re checkin’ out each young manto find out where he wears his keys

The Village Persons: Bend over, over andover

Cop: Come on down to the disco where thedeejays aim to please

The Village Persons:
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Bend over, Chuck Berry
Put your guitar away
‘Cause they’re playin’ disco music
From New York to L.A.

Cop: The places goin’ down in ‘FriscoBay.

The Village Persons:
Take a look around you
There’s no more rock and roll today

Cop: Do you hear me, man? Bend over!

The Village Persons: So bend over, ChuckBerry

Cop: What would Little Richardsay?

The Village Persons: Hey!

[Song ends. Dancers stop. Applause.]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

September Song

…..Milton Berle

[Soft piano music and riotous applause are heard. FADE IN on Mr. Television under the skylight at home base, on a stool in front of a grand piano.]

Milton Berle: [singing]”Oh, it’s a long, long while,From May to December…”

[Audience members can be heard giggling softly in the background.]

“But the days grow short,When you reach September.The autumn weatherTurns the leaves to flame,But one hasn’t got timeFor the waiting gaa-a-aame. Oh, the days whittle downTo a precious few,September…November…”

[The music softly crescendoes to a dramatic pause.]

“And these few precious days,I spend with you,These precious days, I spend with you.”

MIlton Berle: [speaking] And these are precious days, ladies and gentlemen.

[His pianist blends smoothly into the chorus of “There’s No Business like Show Business.” Berle acknowledges him and smiles wistfully.]

As my accompanist, Buddy Freed, is playing the immortal strains of “No Business like Show Business,” may I say on this Saturday night that, every time I hear that Irving Berlin immortal composition, “Showbiz,” it does something to me. I dunno, especially the words, it… [wiggles his hand around] …puts goose pimples all over me. Because, I guess… I see all these young performers here, great ones, and I think of myself when I was their age. And… I… Show business has been my life, I’ve known nothing else–at the age of eleven, I made my eighth comeback.

[hushed laughter]

Y’know, I don’t get too much of a chance to come East, to do the shows, television shows, ’cause most of the industry’s on the Coast, but I did a lot of TV work this past year. I fixed three sets yesterday…

But in my television career, ladies and gentlemen, while I’m on the subject–going through over two thousand live hour shows–some of them were dead–but even with all the shows that I’ve done, you gotta believe me, there’s nothing more thrilling than coming out and doing just one performance, in front of a live, electric, in-person audience, and to do the show live. When I asked them… uh, pardon me — when they BEGGED me…

[laughter]

…to be on the show, I was thrilled. Y’know, I… To be able to ad lib, and throw caution to the winds, on a live show, and if something wrong happens, you can’t do anything about it–and that, y’know, could happen. I love, I love this. You know, I wrote a book, I wrote a book, of… my life’s story. And I, uh… it’s very, it’s going great, it’s in its twelfth printing. The first eleven were blurred…

[hushed laughter]

But in my book, I talk about my trials and tribulations in show business when I was a kid, and I see this young boy sitting down here… [gestures to audience] …must be about fifteen, sixteen. And I traveled with my mother. Now, trust me, I’m not one to preach “Mom-ism,” I don’t dig it, but I had some kind of a mother. She was great, she was a stage mother, she was one–and we went all over, I played towns you never heard of. Places like, ehh… “Longdrawers, Missouri.” Small towns–I played one town that was so small, the local hooker was a virgin. [laughter] The head of the Mafia was a Filipino. [guffaws]

I’d like to quote something, if I may, at this “Saturday Night Live” show, that’s in my book, and I think it fits this situation appropriately. I say in the book, “I love the taste of cold cream, I love the scent and the aroma of makeup, I like lights, I like people. I like to hear people LAUGH… I like to try to MAKE ’em laugh. You know….. the reason that I’m–I sang “September Song,” I cannot tell a lie, I had a birthday this last July, I finally hit the big number. Thanks to all of you, I was seventy, ladies and gentlemen, thanks to all of you.

[cheers and applause]

Well.. What? No. I don’t feel seventy. I feel like, I feel like a twenty-year-old. But there’s never one around.

Ah, boy. Sex after seventy is terrific. Especially the one in the winter.

[laughter]

At this show tonight, and I’m indeed honored to be here, I’d like to thank some of you–most of you–possibly all of you, even watching the show… [gestures to camera] …for the big help you gave me in my early days of my television career when I was on the “Texaco.” I was going pretty good for the first seven or eight years, until they put somebody opposite me… You guessed it: His Excellency Bishop Fulton Sheen. Because he did better than I did, ’cause, let’s face it, he had much better writers.

[laughter]

He had Matthew, Luke, Mark… In fact, while I was on the “Texaco,” Bishop Sheen and I had the same sponsor: Sky Chief. So I do… I do wanna tell you this, and I really mean it, ladies and gentlemen. If I could continue to get audiences like you’ve been here tonight, I just want to say that you’ve given me the incentive, the incentive to never stop entertaining, and I really mean that. And I’d like to say, give me a live audience, like you, for the rest of my career. Thank you, very, very much.

[Wild cheers and applause erupt as Mr. Television stands up straight and sets his microphone smoothly on his stool. The spotlight comes on as he motions for the audience to rise. CUT to a shot from his right as people come to their feet in a standing ovation which spreads gradually up to the balcony. Berle shakes hands with one or two in the front row and basks in the ovation. He blows a single kiss to the audience and takes two deep bows. FADE OUT.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

On The Spot

Joan Face … Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway … Dan Aykroyd

[Funky theme music. Graphic reads: ON THE SPOT -Dissolve to talk show host Joan Face and herclipboard.]

Joan Face: Good evening. I’m Joan Face and welcome to”On the Spot.” Well, it’s Spring and, across thecountry, outdoor amusement parks will be opening againand kids will be flocking to them, anxious to spendtheir nickels and dimes for an afternoon of thrills.Sounds innocent enough. But what worries us is thenumber of injuries and even fatalities that will takeplace at amusement parks because of shoddyconstruction, poorly supervised facilities and corruptsafety inspectors. With us tonight is a man who is nostranger to the “On the Spot” hot seat. He is theowner, operator and sole stockholder of one of thenewest of these parks, Irwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworldof Rahway, New Jersey, Mr. Irwin Mainway.

Irwin Mainway: [with pencil-thin mustache,slicked-back greasy hair, sunglasses, dark three-piecesuit, pinkie rings, smokes a cigarette] Thank you,Miss Face. [applause]

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, our investigative team hasvisited your park and brought back a deeply disturbingreport. In short, they say, and I quote, “Never in thehistory of the leisure industry has there been such athreat to the health and welfare of our children asIrwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworld.” End quote.

Irwin Mainway: Aw, now, Miss Face, is this just gonnabe another one of your personal attacks?

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, isn’t it true that, at KiddieFunworld, you have a ride known as Thunder Plunge?

Irwin Mainway: Thunder Plunge is very, very popularwith the kids.

Joan Face: Isn’t it true that in this ride, you putsmall children into grocery shopping carts and sendthem careening down a steep incline into a gravel pit?

Irwin Mainway: I’d like to point out that each cart isequipped with a little foam cushion … to cushion thekid.

Joan Face: I’ll tell you what else the cart isequipped with, Mr. Mainway — a little sign that reads”Property of A & P Food Stores – Do Not Remove fromParking Lot.”

Irwin Mainway: Miss Face, A & P’s out of business. Iacquired the carts–

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, A & P is not out of business.It is a national chain with over thirty thousandstores.

Irwin Mainway: Well, the one in Rahway’s out ofbusiness.

Joan Face: That’s easy to check, Mr. Mainway. Now whatabout this Crack the Whip? As I understand it, in thisride, you put small children into a large burlap bag,tie it to a derrick and swing this bag of childrenround and round in circles until the rope frays andthey are hurled into space.

Irwin Mainway: They land in a lake.

Joan Face: A writhing bag of frightened, helplesschildren flung into a lake?

Irwin Mainway: It’s a thrill they’ll never forget. Imean, you know, come on…

Joan Face: Just out of curiosity, Mr. Mainway, howmany little children do you stuff into that bag?

Irwin Mainway: Uh, it varies. A bag can hold up to twohundred fifty pounds of kids.

Joan Face: I see. Mr. Mainway, why don’t you tell usabout the Ice Palace?

Irwin Mainway: The Ice Palace. It’s a glittering,glistening winter wonderland of ice and snow.

Joan Face: No, it’s not, Mr. Mainway. It’s acollection of abandoned refrigerators.

Irwin Mainway: Come on, come on, you gotta use, youknow, you gotta use a little bit of imagination. Youdon’t have much imagination, Miss Face.

Joan Face: Oh, I have plenty of imagination. Right nowI’m picturing little children trapped insiderefrigerators, their pitiful little wails muffled bythick, white doors.

Irwin Mainway: Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on. I’mgonna hire a guy to check on them first thing in themorning. I’m gonna hire a guy to do that — go ’roundand check on ’em, you know.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, explain, if you will, theTunnel of Noxious Gases.

Irwin Mainway: Hey, okay, Miss Face, the Tunnel ofNoxious Gases was a mistake. I’m not gonna sit hereand lie to you. It didn’t work out. We dropped it.Hey, I’m not God. You know.

Joan Face: What about this, Mr. Mainway? The WildMouse. Is that some kind of deadly roller coaster?

Irwin Mainway: No, Miss Face, it’s exactly what itsays — a wild mouse. We put a kid in a pup tent witha wild mouse. What they do in there is their business.And we are very scrupulous about changing mice. Afresh mouse every five kids.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, what might a small child findin your Pit of Many Wonders?

Irwin Mainway: Well, frankly, Miss Face, I haven’t gotthe faintest idea. I was gonna go down there one dayto check it out but I was wearing my white shoes.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I’m going to tell you exactlywhat I think of you, you piece of human garbage. Youare the lowest slime that ever breathed. When I thinkthat even the pinkie rings on your pudgy, greasylittle fingers were paid for by the torment ofinnocent children, I retch. You are the veryembodiment of evil.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, may I – may I just say somethinghere, Miss Face? What youse just said makes youlook bad, not me. I’m gonna be very interested to seethe mail on this show.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, as God is my witness, fromthis day forward, I devote my life to putting youbehind bars.

Irwin Mainway: You know, Miss Face, I feel very sorryfor you. You criticize what I do for a living. Well,let me tell you about what you do. What’s sosafe about your show? Say there’s a little kid. He’srunning around the living room, your show’s on TV, heruns right up into the TV set, it blows up, he dies!Okay, another little kid. He’s not happy with thereception, your face is blurry, he fiddles with theaerial, he pokes his eye out – blind! You got a littlekid in the bathtub, he’s takin’ a bath, watching yourshow, TV falls in the bathtub, electrocutes him —tchtchtch — fries! And the last thing that kidsees on earth in this life is your face, MissFace, makin’ fun of what somebody does for a living.Think about that, Miss Face!

Joan Face: That’s all the time we have for “On theSpot.”

Irwin Mainway: No, no, just a minute. Hold it, holdit, Miss Face, I want to add something here. That -that it’s Irwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworld. That’sRoute Seventeen, past the Woodbridge exit in Rahway,New Jersey.

[Joan Face throws down her clipboard, screams, leapsfrom her chair and physically assaults Irwin Mainway,knocking him out of his chair to the floor where sheattempts to strangle him. Dissolve to a wider view ofthe set with lights, cameras and technicians visible.]

[SUPER: “coming up next… The Taiwan Syndrome”]

[Fade.]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

Texaco Star Theatre

… Bill Murray
… John Belushi
… Dan Aykroyd
… Garrett Morris

[In honor of host Milton Berle, SNL recreates theopening to his early TV series “Texaco Star Theatre”in glorious black-and-white: Wailing siren. Clangingbell. Theme music. Fade in on a proscenium arch with acurtain reading: TEXACO STAR THEATRE. The curtainrises to reveal a second curtain reading: StarringMILTON BERLE. This curtain rises to reveal the fourmale cast members lined up on a stage, marching inplace, dressed as 1950s-era service station employees(complete with caps and bow ties), singing:]

All:
Oh, we’re the men of Texaco
We work from Maine to Mexico
There’s nothing like this Texaco of ours
Our show tonight is powerful
We’ll wow you with an hour full
Of howls from a showerful of stars
We’re the merry Texaco men
Tonight we may be showmen
Tomorrow we’ll be servicing your cars

Bill Murray: [with rag and hub cap]
I wipe the pump
I pump the gas
I rub the hub
I scrub the glass

John Belushi: [with gas nozzle]
I touch the clutch
I mop the top
I poke the choke
I sell the pop

Dan Aykroyd: [with a large wrench]
I clear the gear
I block the knock
I jack the back
I set the clock

Garrett Morris:
I slash the top
I pick the lock
I take your car
Around the block
I drive it fast
I smoke some grass
If you don’t like it
Kiss my–

All:
Sky Chief! Fill up with Sky Chief!
And you will smile at the pile of new miles you willadd
Fire Chief! Fill up with Fire Chief!
You’ll find that Texaco’s the finest brand your carhas ever had

[Music ends. Drum roll.]

Bill Murray: And now, ladies and gentlemen…

All: Live from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!

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