SNL Transcripts: Maureen Stapleton: 05/19/79: Mary’s Candies

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 19

78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Mary’s Candies

Mary…..Maureen Stapleton
Jenny Rocker…..Gilda Radner
Floyd Hunger…..Dan Aykroyd
Ron…..Bill Murray
Kevin…..John Belushi
Puppy Land Girl 1…..Laraine Newman
Puppy Land Girl 2…..Jane Curtin

[ open on interior of mini-mall ] [ zoom past the Scotch Boutique to its neighbor, Mary’s Candies ] [ dissolve to interior, Mary standing alone behind the counter reading a magazine, no customers in sight ] [ Jenny Rocker enters, carrying a small box ]

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Mary!

Mary: Hi,

Jenny Rocker: Aren’t you, uh, going over to the uh, Going Out of Business Sale for Puppy Land with Diane and Joann?

Mary: No. I don’t think I could go over there without crying. Just tell them goodbye for me, and that I wish them good luck in whatever they get themselves into next.

Jenny Rocker: How’s business?

Mary: Oh. Well, yesterday I sold about ten dollars’ worth, but today hasn’t been so good. How are things at the Scotch Boutique?

Jenny Rocker: [ elated ] Oh, the Scotch tape business is GREAT! And did you see the signs all over that say “Thomas Shoes: Going Out of Business”?

Mary: Yes. I did.

Jenny Rocker: [ proudly ] That was our tape they used to put them up.

Mary: [ she tsks ] With Thomas Shoes closing out, that’ll make it TEN stores that moved out of the mall so far this year.

Jenny Rocker: Yeah, I know.

Mary: Ugh.

[ Floyd Hunger enters ]

Floyd Hunger: Hi, Jenny. Mary.

Mary: Hi, Floyd.

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Floyd. Aren’t you going to the party for, uh, Puppy Land?

Floyd Hunger: Yeah, well, I was just on my way. I thought I’d drop by, get some candy, and bring it as a Going Away gift.

Mary: What? The mall is really going under, isn’t it?

Floyd Hunger: I think business will be picking up, as soon as this gas crisis gets worse. Remember: We’re two miles closer to town than the new mall. And nobody’s gonna want to waste all that gas to drive to a mall that’s two miles farther away. We’re closer.

Jenny Rocker: [ prosperously ] I never thought of that, Floyd!

Floyd Hunger: Sure.

Mary: Then, why is Puppy Land going out of business? I mean, why can’t you make them hold on until next month?

Floyd Hunger: Well, Mary, with puppies it’s different than with candy, or scotch tape, or men’s clothing. If I’ve got a man’s suit on the rack for six months, it’s no big deal. But if you keep puppies on inventory for six months… they turn into dogs. It’s as bad as the egg business.

Jenny Rocker: Yeah. I heard they don’t have one puppy in there… that is less than eight months old. As a matter of fact — [ she laughs ] the garbagemen joke that Puppy Land’s trash bags only contain Cycle 2 dog food! [ she laughs alone ] That’s like… a joke they made up. D-didn’t you ever see the commercial where they have different cans of dog food for different age dogs.

Mary: No. I never did.

Floyd Hunger: I must have missed that one.

Jenny Rocker: Well… one can is called Cycle 1, and it’s for puppies… and the other’s called Cycle 2, and it’s for dogs over six months old. And, uh, that’s what they meant when they said that there’s only — [ she laughs again ] Cycle 2 dog food in the… trash… because all of Puppy Land’s puppies are old — that, um — th-they don’t eat Cycle 1 any more.

[ more silence; Floyd nods politely ]

Floyd Hunger: I think, maybe, we’d better get over there.

[ suddenly, Ron enters ]

Ron: It’s Puppy Land party time!

Floyd Hunger: We were just on our way.

Jenny Rocker: Yeah. [ laughing ] Did you hear the joke that the garbagemen are making about the dog food in Puppy Land’s trash?

Ron: No.

Floyd Hunger: Why don’t you go on over there, and I’ll get some candy, and I’ll join you guys?

Jenny Rocker: Oh! What are you giving them?

Ron: [ he holds up a bottle ] Shampoo. They may be broke inside, but they’re gonna have CLEAN hair! [ he laughs ] I’ll see you over there, Floyd. See you over there.

Mary: Okay.

Jenny Rocker: Bye, Mary!

Mary: Bye.

[ Ron and Jenny exit ]

Floyd Hunger: Uh, Mary, I think I’ll take about seventy-five cents worth of the, uh, almond cremes, and, uh —

Mary: Okay. And I’ll put in some raisin clusters, okay?

Floyd Hunger: Uhh — sure, sure.

Mary: And would you tell them that I sent them?

Floyd Hunger: Yeah, certainly. Uhh — you can put this on my bill, can’t ya’?

Mary: Well, Floyd… I hate to say anything, but you still do owe me $7.95 for a Valentine’s box of assorted creams. I mean —

[ Floyd holds his composure, as Kevin enters ]

Kevin: Hi, Mary! Hi, Mr. HUnger!

Mary: Hi, Kevin.

Floyd Hunger: Hi, Kevin.

Kevin: Hi.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, Kevin? Do you have seventy-five cents you can loan me until tomorrow?

Kevin: Yeah, I do, Mr. Hunger. [ he takes out an impressive wad of bills ] You got change for a twenty?

Mary: [ impressed ] Kevin, you do have a lot of money!

Kevin: Yeah, well, I’ve been helping Will Hardware move, you know?

Floyd Hunger: [ embarrassed ] Ah — I don’t think I have any small bills on me, Kev. Uh, how about if I just take this twenty? I’ll pay it back to you, tomorrow.

Kevin: Okay.

Floyd Hunger: [ he grabs the candies ] I’ll bring that change around tomorrow, then, Mary.

[ Floyd Hunger exits ]

Kevin: Uhhh — they said they really want you over at the party, Mary. So I volunteered to watch your store while you go over there for a while.

Mary: Oh, thanks, Kevin. But I don’t like to leave this store. You never can tell — a customer might come in.

Kevin: Well, I could come over and get you if somebody came in. That’s what I was thinking I’d do. [ he moves a box of candy around the counter ]

Mary: No, thanks, Kevin. I don’t think I should.

Kevin: Oh. Okay, then. Maybe I’ll take a box of chocolate-covered peanuts, aaaaaaand a box of vanilla caramels.

Mary: [ she places a box on the counter ] Oh, I bet that party is pretty, pretty sad.

Kevin: Nah! I just don’t want to stay, you know, because of the smell. You know, most of the people are standing in a doorway. You know, it’s not as bad there.

Mary: Oh, dear. That’ll be $8.70. They’re $4.35 a pound.

Kevin: [ looking among his bills ] Gee, all I’ve got is these twenties. It’s the smellest thing I’ve got.

Mary: [ grabbing his twenty ] Well, why don’t you drop by tomorrow, and I’ll give you your change?

Kevin: [ with some hesitation ] Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Mary: Okay. Bye, Kevin.

Kevin: Bye, Mary.

[ Kevin exits ] [ the Puppy Land girls enter ]

Puppy Land Girl #1: Hi, Mary.

Puppy Land Girl #2: Hi, Mary!

Mary: Oh, hi!

Puppy Land Girl #2: We knew you couldn’t leave the candy store, so we came to say goodbye to you.

Mary: Aww, that’s so nice of you.

Puppy Land Girl #1: Listen, thanks so much for the box of candies.

Mary: Oh, that’s okay!

Puppy Land Girl #1: Listen, uh — you don’t mind if we keep a few dogs in here for a while, while we’re cleaning things out over there?

Mary: Ohhhh, no. No, I don’t mind.

Puppy Land Girl #1: Oh, good. I’ll start bringing them in. [ she hands a puppy over the counter ]

Mary: Oh.

Puppy Land Girl #2: Aren’t they cute? They’re only eight weeks old.

Mary: Well! Now, you see, isn’t that something how rumors get started? They were saying that you did’nt have a puppy over there under six months old.

Puppy Land Girl #2: [ she sighs ] Well, actually, that was true. It’s kind of embarrassing, but a couple of our puppies had puppies! [ she chuckles lightly ]

Mary: Oh.

[ Puppy Land Girl #1 returns with a larger dog in her arms. Kevin is right behind her, with two more dogs. ]

Puppy Land Girl #2: Oh, here they come, here they come! I — I think I’d better give them a hand. They might need help with some of the bigger ones.

Mary: Oh.

Puppy Land Girl #1: [ to the dogs ] Stay! Stay!

Puppy Land Girl #2: Okay, guys.

Puppy Land Girl #1: Stay!

Mary: Stay. Stay.

[ the dogs begin to run around the candy store ] [ dissolve to interior of the mini-mall, pulling back on the candy store facade ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Maureen Stapleton: 05/19/79: Mom’s Birthday

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 19

78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Mom’s Birthday

Mrs. Arthur…..Maureen Stapleton
Daughter…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, living room apartment, as the doorbell rings ] [ slowly crosses the room to answer the door ]

Mrs. Arthur: Oh!

Daughter: [ enters ] Hi, Mom! Happy birthday!

[ they hug ]

Mrs. Arthur: My baby!

[ they maneuver around the room and finally sit upon the loveseat, as an awkward silence envelops them ]

Daughter: [ breaking the tension ] Well! Mom, how have you been?

Mrs. Arthur: [ she sighs, turns away ] Oh, I’m all right…

Daughter: Mom, what’s wrong?

Mrs. Arthur: Nothing! Nothing, I’m fine! Don’t worry!

Daughter: Okay, I won’t worry. [ she pats a small dog sitting with them on the loveseat ] How’s, uh, little Bootsie here?

Mrs. Arthur: Worried.

Daughter: Mom, are you ready to go to dinner? [ she stands ]

Mrs. Arthur: Well, I thought — I thought we could have an appetizer here first!

Daughter: Mom, Mom — we’ll eat at the restaurant.

Mrs. Arthur: Oh, but I made your favorite! Brisket and a roast potato!

Daughter: Mom… Mom, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant — Madrigal — It’s your birthday. I’m taking you there so you’ll be happy!

Mrs. Arthur: But, honey — oh, baby — I HATE to see you spend your money on me. Why don’t you save up and… buy yourself a coat?

Daughter: Mom, I have a coat. I have LOTS of coats.

Mrs. Arthur: Well — you — you — you could have MY coat! [ she grabs her fur off the loveseat and hands it over ]

Daughter: Mom, I don’t want to take your coat. I don’t want it, alright?

Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…

Daughter: Mom, could you stop apologizing?

Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…

Daughter: Mother! You are just — you are just trying to make me feel GUILTY!

[ they sit ]

Mrs. Arthur: Don’t DO anything that makes you feel guilty, and you won’t feel guilty.

Daughter: Mother, could you just go and put the brisket back in the fridge, and we’re going out to dinner, okay? It’s your birthday.

Mrs. Arthur: [ she throws up her arms ] Whatever you want

[ Mrs. Arthur gets up and exits into the other room ] [ she stands up on the loveseat and begins to jump on the cushions like a little girl ] [ after a moment, she climbs down, crosses the room and dials the phone ]

Daughter: Uh, yeah — is this the doorman? Uh — I was wondering, uh — could you, uh — send a cab for Mrs. Arthur’s apartment, 18-K? Yeah. And you’ll phone us when it’s there? Okay, thank you.

[ she hangs up and returns to sit on the loveseat, as her mother returns from the other oom carrying the brisket ]

Mrs. Arthur: Oh, here, baby — take the brisket!

Daughter: Mom, I don’t — I don’t want it!

Mrs. Arthur: Well, honey, I don’t like brisket. I never eat it, so take it, I can’t —

Daughter: I don’t — Mother! I don’t want to walk into a restaurant carrying a brisket!

Mrs. Arthur: You can CHECK the brisket!

Daughter: I DON’T want to check the brisket!

Mrs. Arthur: Why?! Is there a law saying you can’t check a brisket while I — I don’t see the President passing new legislation about checking brisket!

Daughter: [ through clenched teeth ] I am NOT… taking… the brisket… to… the restaurant!

Mrs. Arthur: [ insisting ] Take the brisket.

Daughter: [ taking the brisket ] Help, God. Get me out of this discussion.

Mrs. Arthur: It was a $12 brisket.

Daughter: Okay, Mom, okay. Alright. [ she opens her purse ] $12… $12. Here, Mom — take the $12! [ she hands the money over ]

Mrs. Arthur: Mrs. Kelman’s daughter checked a veal roast at Trader Vic’s!

Daughter: [ putting the money away ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter calls her every day… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter took Mrs. Kelman to Nassau… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter has three wonderful grandchildren… and Mrs. Kelman’s daughter does it with your dentist in the SAME chair where you get your teeth cleaned!

Mrs. Arthur: I DON’T want to hear this!

[ silence, as they struggle for something to say to one another ]

Daughter: That’s, uh — that’s a nice tea set. Is it new?

Mrs. Arthur: [ pleased to talk about it ] It’s Japanese! [ she picks it up ] Here. Take it!

Daughter: [ exasperated ] Mom, would you quit trying to give me stuff? It’s your birthday. Can’t I give you something?

Mrs. Arthur: All I want is your respect.

Daughter: Oh. I’d rather give you a gift.

Mrs. Arthur: What?

Daughter: [ she opens her purse and pulls out some cigarettes ] Nothing. Do you have an ashtray?

Mrs. Arthur: What for?

Daughter: I want to throw up in it.

Mrs. Arthur: I thought you QUIT smoking?

Daughter: [ as she lights up ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter quit smoking. The adulteress!

Mrs. Arthur: Is, uh… that what you’re wearing?

Daughter: No. This is what Carmen Miranda is wearing. She’s wearing what I’m wearing. Our outfits got mixed up on the way over here.

Mrs. Arthur: Are you sure you’ll be warm enough to eat?

Daughter: No, Mother. Actually, I’m not sure whether I have any clothes at all! You know, I’m 32 years old, and I don’t know how to dress myself! I mean, I don’t even know how gto cook an egg. I think you just break it out onto a plate, and it comes out scrambled. And, you know, Mom? I tap dance in the bath tub. And I’m always putting my finger into electric sockets. And, uh — this is something you don’t know, Mom — uh — I shave my armpits with a carving knife. And I forget to put my pants back on every time I go to the bathroom! And I LOVE picking my nose SO much, that the underneath of YOUR couch is caked with SNOT!! [ she puffs on her cigarette ]

Mrs. Arthur: [ she picks up her dog ] Maybe Bootsie would like some brisket?

[ the telephone rings; Daughter picks up ]

Daughter: Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thanks very much. Alright, we’ll be right down. [ she hangs up ] Mom, the cab’s here.

Mrs. Arthur: Here. [ she holds up her fur coat ]

Daughter: [ helping her into the coat ] Mom, don’t you think you’re gonna be hot in this coat? It’s so heavy. [ a beat ] Wait. Wait a minute. [ she laughs ] You have lipstick all over your teeth.

Mrs. Arthur: [ pointing in her mouth ] Here?

Daughter: No. Wait on, I’ll get it. Come here. [ she wipes off the lipstick with a Kleenex ] There you go.

Mrs. Arthur: How do I look?

Daughter: [ tenderly ] You look beautiful. Come on, let’s go.

[ Daughter exits the apartment, as Mrs. Arthur turns around to take the brisket with her before exiting ] [ zoom out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Sesame Streetwalker” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts