Daughter: Okay, I won’t worry. [ she pats a small dog sitting with them on the loveseat ] How’s, uh, little Bootsie here?
Mrs. Arthur: Worried.
Daughter: Mom, are you ready to go to dinner? [ she stands ]
Mrs. Arthur: Well, I thought — I thought we could have an appetizer here first!
Daughter: Mom, Mom — we’ll eat at the restaurant.
Mrs. Arthur: Oh, but I made your favorite! Brisket and a roast potato!
Daughter: Mom… Mom, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant — Madrigal — It’s your birthday. I’m taking you there so you’ll be happy!
Mrs. Arthur: But, honey — oh, baby — I HATE to see you spend your money on me. Why don’t you save up and… buy yourself a coat?
Daughter: Mom, I have a coat. I have LOTS of coats.
Mrs. Arthur: Well — you — you — you could have MY coat! [ she grabs her fur off the loveseat and hands it over ]
Daughter: Mom, I don’t want to take your coat. I don’t want it, alright?
Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…
Daughter: Mom, could you stop apologizing?
Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…
Daughter: Mother! You are just — you are just trying to make me feel GUILTY!
[ they sit ]
Mrs. Arthur: Don’t DO anything that makes you feel guilty, and you won’t feel guilty.
Daughter: Mother, could you just go and put the brisket back in the fridge, and we’re going out to dinner, okay? It’s your birthday.
Mrs. Arthur: [ she throws up her arms ] Whatever you want…
[ Mrs. Arthur gets up and exits into the other room ] [ she stands up on the loveseat and begins to jump on the cushions like a little girl ] [ after a moment, she climbs down, crosses the room and dials the phone ]
Daughter: Uh, yeah — is this the doorman? Uh — I was wondering, uh — could you, uh — send a cab for Mrs. Arthur’s apartment, 18-K? Yeah. And you’ll phone us when it’s there? Okay, thank you.
[ she hangs up and returns to sit on the loveseat, as her mother returns from the other oom carrying the brisket ]
Mrs. Arthur: Oh, here, baby — take the brisket!
Daughter: Mom, I don’t — I don’t want it!
Mrs. Arthur: Well, honey, I don’t like brisket. I never eat it, so take it, I can’t —
Daughter: I don’t — Mother! I don’t want to walk into a restaurant carrying a brisket!
Mrs. Arthur: You can CHECK the brisket!
Daughter: I DON’T want to check the brisket!
Mrs. Arthur: Why?! Is there a law saying you can’t check a brisket while I — I don’t see the President passing new legislation about checking brisket!
Daughter: [ through clenched teeth ] I am NOT… taking… the brisket… to… the restaurant!
Mrs. Arthur: [ insisting ] Take the brisket.
Daughter: [ taking the brisket ] Help, God. Get me out of this discussion.
Mrs. Arthur: It was a $12 brisket.
Daughter: Okay, Mom, okay. Alright. [ she opens her purse ] $12… $12. Here, Mom — take the $12! [ she hands the money over ]
Mrs. Arthur: Mrs. Kelman’s daughter checked a veal roast at Trader Vic’s!
Daughter: [ putting the money away ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter calls her every day… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter took Mrs. Kelman to Nassau… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter has three wonderful grandchildren… and Mrs. Kelman’s daughter does it with your dentist in the SAME chair where you get your teeth cleaned!
Mrs. Arthur: I DON’T want to hear this!
[ silence, as they struggle for something to say to one another ]
Daughter: That’s, uh — that’s a nice tea set. Is it new?
Mrs. Arthur: [ pleased to talk about it ] It’s Japanese! [ she picks it up ] Here. Take it!
Daughter: [ exasperated ] Mom, would you quit trying to give me stuff? It’s your birthday. Can’t I give you something?
Mrs. Arthur: All I want is your respect.
Daughter: Oh. I’d rather give you a gift.
Mrs. Arthur: What?
Daughter: [ she opens her purse and pulls out some cigarettes ] Nothing. Do you have an ashtray?
Mrs. Arthur: What for?
Daughter: I want to throw up in it.
Mrs. Arthur: I thought you QUIT smoking?
Daughter: [ as she lights up ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter quit smoking. The adulteress!
Mrs. Arthur: Is, uh… that what you’re wearing?
Daughter: No. This is what Carmen Miranda is wearing. She’s wearing what I’m wearing. Our outfits got mixed up on the way over here.
Mrs. Arthur: Are you sure you’ll be warm enough to eat?
Daughter: No, Mother. Actually, I’m not sure whether I have any clothes at all! You know, I’m 32 years old, and I don’t know how to dress myself! I mean, I don’t even know how gto cook an egg. I think you just break it out onto a plate, and it comes out scrambled. And, you know, Mom? I tap dance in the bath tub. And I’m always putting my finger into electric sockets. And, uh — this is something you don’t know, Mom — uh — I shave my armpits with a carving knife. And I forget to put my pants back on every time I go to the bathroom! And I LOVE picking my nose SO much, that the underneath of YOUR couch is caked with SNOT!! [ she puffs on her cigarette ]
Mrs. Arthur: [ she picks up her dog ] Maybe Bootsie would like some brisket?
[ the telephone rings; Daughter picks up ]
Daughter: Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thanks very much. Alright, we’ll be right down. [ she hangs up ] Mom, the cab’s here.
Mrs. Arthur: Here. [ she holds up her fur coat ]
Daughter: [ helping her into the coat ] Mom, don’t you think you’re gonna be hot in this coat? It’s so heavy. [ a beat ] Wait. Wait a minute. [ she laughs ] You have lipstick all over your teeth.
Mrs. Arthur: [ pointing in her mouth ] Here?
Daughter: No. Wait on, I’ll get it. Come here. [ she wipes off the lipstick with a Kleenex ] There you go.
Mrs. Arthur: How do I look?
Daughter: [ tenderly ] You look beautiful. Come on, let’s go.
[ Daughter exits the apartment, as Mrs. Arthur turns around to take the brisket with her before exiting ] [ zoom out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Sesame Streetwalker” ] [ fade ]
Telepsychic Ray … Dan Aykroyd Caller #1 … Laraine Newman Caller #2 … John Belushi Caller #3 … Bill Murray Caller #4 … Jane Curtin Caller #5 … Garrett Morris
[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddlyaccented man — wearing a brown plaid jacket,ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses — sitshunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a signthat reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies infront of him as he addresses the camera.]
Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I’ll be takingyour calls today. Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3,and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life,money, love — I’ll predict for ya, okay? [answersphone] Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how oldam I gonna live to?
Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?
The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”Summary: After watching the TV movie “Blind Ambition”, former president Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) attempts to convince his family that the Watergate tapes were actually gag reels performed by him and his staff for amusement puposes only.
Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, John Dean, Pat Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower.
[ open on animated “The Franken & Davis Show” title card ]
Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve to Hmoe Base stage, as Al and Tom step forward. Tom appears as himself, while Al appears dressed in traditional Hare Krishna garb ]
Tom Davis: Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to the show. This is the, uh — this is the first “Franken & Davis Show” that we’ve done in several months because, uh, my partner, Al, has been going through some changes.
Al Franken: That’s right, Tom. You see, up until now, I have spent most of my adult life in the decadent world of show business. and, believe me, I’ve done it all: the drugs, the promiscuity, uh, the eating meat, uh — did I mention drugs? And none of this brought me happiness. [ Tom begins to fidget ] And I’m proud now to say that… I have found… inner peace through the teachings of Krishna. And Krishna consciousness has actually… helped… my comedy. And… I think I can say now that I have… a perfect knowledge… of what is funny.
Tom Davis: But, uh — but we are still the same old team of Franken & Davis, and —
Al Franken: Uh, Tom… Tom… Actually, from now on, we’re the comedy team of Ahjnudpippibod and Davis.
Tom Davis: Okay. Well, let’s, uh — let’s just jump into it!
Al Franken: Okay. [ to the audience ] I know all of you love it… when comedians do jokes on TV about the differences between Los Angeles and New York. Uh, but blieve me, the differences are even greater… between New York and Bombay!
Tom Davis: You know, that’s the nutty thing about the Big Apple. Here, we have crazy taxi drivers who step into the street and you take your life in your hands.
Al Franken: But, in Bombay… you cross the street… and you get hit… by a cow! [ he smiles ] It’s crazy!
Tom Davis: I was — I was right. These do not work. These jokes are not working.
Al Franken: They loved that joke, Tom. These people loved that.
Tom Davis: Would you listen? They’re supposed to be laughing, not meditating! This Krishna thing is interfering with our act!
Al Franken: Tom —
Tom Davis: Your appearance is distracting!
Al Franken: Tom… Tom… don’t be ridiculous. These people don’t care what I look like. This is simply my external appearance. Uh, what they care about is the humor… that comes through. Let’s just continue with the routine. Let’s do the baseball routine, I’m sure they’ll love it.
Tom Davis: Alright. [ he reaches down to grab a microphone ] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s basball season again, and we’d like to take you to a very special interview at Yankee Stadium.
[ Al grabs a baseball mitt and inserts chew in his mouth ]
Tom Davis: This is Bonnie Johnson, reporting from Yankee Stadium, and I’m talking here with Peppy Starr, utility outfielder for the Yankees, who we understand is about to be sent back down to the Minors. No — Franken, this is not working! Not for an INSTANT do I believe you’re a baseball player! Forget it! Forget it!
Al Franken: Tom, I think you’re hung up on the material. Uh — my body is temperal.
Tom Davis: Yeah.
Al Franken: My life spirit will live on long after my body has died. That’s why I shaved my head, remember, to renounce the material.
Tom Davis: Right…
Al Franken: Also, by the way, it’s a good for head lice… and I’d recommend that everyone do it. But, Tom, these people don’t care about the way I look. They… they all love me because… they feel my spiritual life force come through the comedy. Isn’t that right, everybody? Don’t you all love me?
[ light applause, as some women yell: “Nooo! Nooo!” ]
Tom Davis: LISTEN to that!! You see what I mean? They — they think you’re ridiculous! They don’t want to hear about this!! They —
Al Franken: Well, Tom… all these people, except for one, or two, people here are obviously… hung up and stuck… on a material plane.
Tom Davis: Alright… [ he wanders off stage ]
Al Franken: And I know all of you are miserable, uh, because of that. And I want you to… try to get in touch with your spiritual self, so you can feel some joy instead of that misery… that you all feel. Now, I want you to chant these words. I’ll say them, and then, after I’m done, please repeat with me: “Hare Krishna… Hare Krishna… Krishna Krishna… Hare Hare! Hare Rama… Hare Rama… Rama Rama… Krishna Krishna!” Okay? Everybody! “Hare Kri –” Come on, everybody!
[ Tom leans in, pulls Al’s ponytail back and snips it off with a pair of scissors ] [ the audience applauds wildly ]
Al Franken: [ meekly ] Why’d you do that?
Tom Davis: I thought it was —
Al Franken: [ with much fury ] WHY’D YOU DO THAT FOR?!!
Tom Davis: Well, it was funny! A spontaneous little — I mean, I picked it up —
Al Franken: Now I’m gonna look like a BUDDHIST!! I mean, Buddhists are BALD!! I’m gonna be walking down the street, people are gonna be pointing at me, they’re gonna make fun of me!! They’re gonna say, “There goes a BUDDHIST!!”
Tom Davis: Well, hey, people don’t —
Al Franken: I HATE BUDDHISTS!!
Tom Davis: People don’t care what you are —
Al Franken: Oh, yeah?!!
[ Al and Tom break out the fisticuffs and begin pummeling one another ] [ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: Al and Tom will be right back after this message.
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: “The Franken & Davis Show” was brought to you by Godhead Incense, for the smell of nirvana right here on earth. Buy now from Godhead. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve back to Al and Tom smiling and waving at the camera ]
Buck Henry: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s always flattering to be asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, but, for me, it’s more that that. I think you’ll understand what I’m telling you. It’s a sense of.. a sense of vindication of what I represent. Now, we’re always being told that television is a “cultural desert”, because it reflects the vulgarity of the American public. Well, if that’s true.. what am I doing here? After all, I’m not your typical television personality. I don’t have an act, I don’t have a golf tournament named after me.. I represent dignity and intellectual achievement – qualities that aren’t supposed to generate.. big ratings. and, yet, here I am – cerebral as always – and the host of the most highly-rated late night show in television history. I think that says something good about you, the audience.
Of course, there are some.. [ a couple of audience members start to applaud themselves ] Yes! There are some television executives who don’t share this view. Who still think that television has to pander to people’s baser instincts. And, for them, I’ve arranged a little demonstration to prove my point. Uh, Davey? Could you get a shot of the special group, please?
[ reveal shot of audience members wearing electrode helmets covered in wires on their heads ]
Now.. ladies and gentlemen.. these twenty-five members of our audience have volunteered to take part in a special experiment. The devices which you see attached to their foreheads, developed by the Institute for Behaviorial Science at Indiana University, will measure their level of interest in tonight’s show. What’s more, this audience interest quotient – or, the I.Q. – will be registered directly on the screen, through the activation of an electronic video grid. In other words, the image on your screen tonight, will accurately reflect our special group’s interest in the show.
Are we ready to start? all right.
Well, you know.. I’ve given a great deal of thought to what television could be. The ultimate medium for the transmission of ideas. A living, vibrant storehouse of the products of our cultural and intellectual activity as a nation. [ screen slowly begins to shrink to its center, registering the group’s disinterest in what Buck has to say ] That’s something very exciting to me, and, I’m sure, to all of you as well. And the idea of a great electronic mirror, that’s held up to society to reflect our activity in politics, science and the arts. But what, I ask you, what has television become? I’ll tell you. It’s become a gawdy, painted tart! [ screen quickly enlarges, as the group pays attention to Buck’s exciting statements ] Riving in a wanton, tawdry display of cleavage, bare midriff and jiggling buttocks! [ screen jumps to full-size, audience wild with applause ] Always ready to plumb new depths of moral terpitude in order to please her clients! Is this what television has to be? I don’t think so.
The other night, uh.. I was re-reading Marcel Proust’s “The Remembrance of Things Past”. [ screen slowly begins to shrink to its center ] And I asked myself, “Why can’t television be viewed the way Proust viewed literature?” As a means of recovering from our unconcious memory of the texture of life, the day-to-day reality that we don’t see on commercial networks. It’s not because they can’t be done, or because the American public doesn’t want it. It’s because a tiny group of network brass has refused to accept the fact that we’re as interested in, say.. Susan Sontag and her intellectual achievements as.. Suzanne Somers, and her physical endowments. [ screen jumps back to full capacity ] They won’t believe that we’d rather read Betrand Russell’s “Why I Am Not A Christian”.. [ screen shrinks again ] ..than Jane Russell doing “Why I’d Rather Wear A Full-Figured Bra”. [ screen jumps back to full size ] THe old thinking. The thinking that has made this medium a cultural brothel! Where decadence and vulgarity flourish, won’t die easily! Sorry. Yes.
Fortunately, however, there are others in public life that think the way we do. People with vision – interesting people like Cleveland Amory.. [ screen shrinks, shrinks, shrinks ] ..Marshall McLuhan, David Frost, Edwin Newman, Alistair Cooke, Jack Kilpatrick, and Shane Alexander, Andy Rooney.. oh, I could go on with this list for a long time, the point is that the movement is growing! And, with your continued support, it will continue!
Uh.. this has been interesting, I’m glad we had the chance to raise some of these questions here tonight. We’ll be right back after this commercial message!
[ screen has now shrunk to a tiny dot, until it is, at last, solid black ] [ fade ]
The Adventures of Miles CowperthwaiteSummary: In the continuing adventures of Miles Cowperthwaite (Michael Palin), the former drool handler is mentored by the manly Captain Ned (John Belushi) aboard the manly sea vessel The Raging Queen.
…..Margot Kidder …..Gilda Radner Audience Member…..Jim Downey …..Dave Wilson …..Pete Fatovich …..Lorne Michaels Interviewer…..Tom Schiller Medical Squad #1…..Tom Davis Medical Squad #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Margot Kidder: Hi! [ audience cheers loudly ] Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Happy St. Patrick’s Day! [ audience goes crazy with applause ] Boy, thanks! It’s, uh.. it’s.. really a double treat for me to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live” because, uh.. it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and, uh.. y-y-you, uh.. New Yorkers are right out of your minds, I gotta tell ya! [ audience applauds themselves for being out of their minds ] I mean, this city was one big party today! It actually made the Mardi Gras look like a wake! I mean, the parade was terrific, everybody’s drunk in all the bars..
[ the camera angle begins to droop to the floor, unbeknownst to Kidder, as only her feet are visible ]
Margot Kidder: ..But I-I sort of.. I guess it’s the luck of the Irish, uh.. I feel proud to be Irish..
[ the feet of Gilda Radner’s steps up to Margot Kidder’s feet ]
Gilda Radner: Margo..
Margot Kidder: Hi! Gilda, what are you doing here? Are we on the air?
Gilda Radner: Uh.. yeah.. well, we’re sorta half on the air..
Margot Kidder: Well, what do you mean half on..?
Gilda Radner: Wait, just come down here.. look for a second..
[ both women lean on the knees on the floor, and stare perplexed at the camera ]
Margot Kidder: Ohhh.. oh, I see what you mean. Gilda, what’s going on?
Gilda Radner: Oh, nothing! It’s no problem at all! It’s just this time of year, you know? St. Patrick’s Day. Most of the.. most of the crew’s Irish, and, uh..
Margot Kidder: Ohhhhh..
Gilda Radner: Look, there’s nothing to worry about.. We can- Just follow me, okay? We’ll go away to the control booth and see.
Margot Kidder: Okay, okay..
Gilda Radner: It’s nothing to worry about at all – technically. It’s live TV! It’s spontaneous! Things happen all the time!
[ an audience member rises from his seat, stopping Gilda and Margot in their tracks ]
Audience Member: Eh-excuse me, Miss kidder?
Gilda Radner: Wait, you shouldn’t be bothering her..
Margot Kidder: No, it’s okay.. it’s okay.
Audience Member: Yeah, I-I saw you in “Superman”, and I thought you were just great.
Margot Kidder: Oh, thank you!
Audience Member: I have this bet with a friend – is it true you only use 10% of your brain?
Margot Kidder: Uh.. y-yes.. I guess that’s true..
Gilda Radner: Could you please sit down! The audience is not supposed to ask questions of the host! [ Gilda pushes the audience member back to his seat, as she and Margot continue their walk to the control room ] You know, last week we had a horse, and he kepy walking around.. but we have the best director – Dave Wilson – and he can handle anything! There’s nothing to wory about!
Margot Kidder: Do these technical problems happen all the time?
Gilda Radner: Oh, sure! All the time! Didn’t you see “Hello, Larry” on NBC?
[ in the control room at last, they find the control drunk off their asses, singing and chanting merrily with glasses raised high ]
Gilda Radner: Excuse me! Excuse me! [ notices director Dave Wilson collapsing to the floor, as assistant director Pete Fatovich tries to lift him back into his seat ] Oh, no! Oh, no! Pete! Pete! Peeeeete!
Pete Fatovich: Whaaat??!
Gilda Radner: When did- When did-
Pete Fatovich: It’s alright, it’s gonna be alright..
Gilda Radner: When did Dave-
Pete Fatovich: Last week! About halfway through the Gary Busey show!
Gilda Radner: Oh, no..
Pete Fatovich: Don’t worry! Don’t worry! It’s gonna be alright.
Gilda Radner: Margo, this is Dave Wilson..
Dave Wilson: [ groggily ] Right here, hello!
Margot Kidder: Where’s Lorne?
Gilda Radner: Lorne?
Margot Kidder: Lorne.. Lorne told me if I had a problem, I could go right to him.
Gilda Radner: Well, he’s doing an interview now, I don’t know if we could- [ looks to the back and notices Lorne at hisi nterview ] Wait! Back there! Come here, come here.. [ leads Margot to the back room ] [ camera pans over to a glass wall, where Lorne Michaels can be seen conducting an interview in an interior office ]
Lorne Michaels: Politics is always a possibility.. I mean, let’s face it, being a producer is like being a senator-
[ Gilda and Margot enter the office to interrupt Lorne ]
Margo Kidder: Lorne? Um..
Lorne Michaels: Yeah? Sorry.
Gilda Radner: Um.. Lorne? Did you see Davey? Did you see Davey?
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, it’s alright – the medical squad is on its way down. They’ve already-
Gilda Radner: Oh! So there’s nothing to worry about!
Lorne Michaels: There’s really nothing to worry about. They’ll be here in a minute or two – it happens every day..
Gilda Radner: It’s okay, Margot.. come on, we’ll go back.
[ Gilda and Margo leave the office, as the camera pans back to the out-of-control control area, a medical squad already on the scene to revive Dave Wilson ]
Gilda Radner: Oh, look.. is he gonna be alright?
Medical Squad #1: He’ll be alright.. he’ll be alright.. Every year it’s like this, every year..
Gilda Radner: Okay, okay..
Medical Squad #1: David Brinkley passed out on Segment Three!
Gilda Radner: Yeah, okay. Everything’s going to be alright, Margo.
Margo Kidder: He looks real efficient.
Gilda Radner: Oh, he’s the best director in the world! [ to the medical squad ] Pour some water on him! [ the medical squad splashes water on Dave’s face ] Good!
Dave Wilson: [ groggy, but coming back into his own ] “Live! From New York..!”
Gilda Radner: No, Dave! No! Dave! Dave, this is-
Pete Fatovich: We did that already!
Medical Squad #1: Sit him up! Sit him up! Come on! Come on!
Gilda Radner: No, no! Davey! Davey, listen to me! This is Margo Kidder! She’s hosting this week’s show! [ to Margo ] It’s Dave Wilson, our director.
Dave Wilson: Jean..? How are ya..? Nice to meet you..?
Margo Kidder: Margo! Margo!
Dave Wilson: Mar-go..
Margo Kidder: Yeah!
Dave Wilson: I’ll tell you what – take her out there, let’s start again from the top..
Gilda Radner: Alright! come on, Margo, come on.. yeah, we’re going.
[ Gilda and Margo hurry out of the control room ]
Dave Wilson: Stand by!
Pete Fatovich: Roll the tape, Dave?
Dave Wilson: Run it!
Pete Fatovich: Yeah, alright.. Three! Two! O-one..
Announcer: Tonight: “Family Classics” continues its second season, with Part II of the new Dickins novel Miles Cowperthwaite.
[ dissolve to copy of book resting on tabletop ]
Miles Cowperthwaite, by Charles Dickins. As told to Robert Louis Stevenson and Rafael Salbatini.
[ hand turns book to first page ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “The wretched birth, miserable childhood, agonizingly painful adolescence, and appallingly vile and degrading death of Miles Cowperthwaite.
[ turns page to Chapter Two ]
Chapter Two: ‘I Am Nailed To The Hull’.
“It having been determined by my benefactor that a term of service at sea would make a man, I accordingly left Pinckley Hall in the company of Captain Ned, and put out from Bristol aboard his ship The Raging Queen.
Captain Ned, I learned from my shipmates, was a very manly, virile, manful person, and a firm believer in strict discipline, corporal punishment, and nude apartment wrestling. How truly strict he was, I learned on our first day out of port, when out First Mate called all hands on deck for an important annoucement.”
[ dissolve onto scenes aboard The Raging Queen ] [ First Mate Spunk rings the deck bell ]
First Mate Spunk: Alright, please, everybody, please! Welcome aboard The Raging Queen! Now, of course, I can’t possibly introduce everybody, so you’re just going to have to wear your little name tags. And if that’s the worst thing you’ll wear on this voyage, you’re lucky. Now, before I introduce Captain Ned, there’s some quiche over here, some salad, and some banana bread in the bowl, and there should be a brie around, if someone hasn’t eaten it. And now, here is our own Captain Ned!
[ Captain Ned steps up ]
Captain Ned: Thank you, Mr. Spunk. Gentlemen, we have on board a young man whose name is Miles Cowperthwaite! And I have promised his guardian to teach him the man’s life at sea! To show him man’s ports, such as Key West and San Fransisco! I expect him to be treated manfully! Well, Miles, have you anything to say?
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ stsnds, cheerful ] Well.. I’m very grateful for this opportunity, Captain Ned! Up ’til now, my life has been the most degrading, pathetic, soul-destroying, humiliating, awful grovel..
Captain Ned: [ interrupting ] That’s enough, Miles.. [ Miles sits ] Now, men, I run a mans’ ship. I will run it in a manful and masculine way! I will tolerate no men under my command who act in such a way so as to discredit their manhood and manliness! Do I make myself clear?
First Mate Spunk: Three cheer for Captain Ned!
[ the men cheer ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “If there were any doubts as to Captain Ned’s severity, they were quickly dispelled that very afternoon, when a scuffle broke out on deck.”
[ Spunk approaches a Sailor tanning ]
First Mate Spunk: That’s my tanning spot! you! You’re in my spot! That’s my spot!
Sailor #1: You are daft! I’ve been here all morning. Now, run along, you are blocking my sun.
First Mate Spunk: Don’t you give me any back-sass, you tan tease!
[ fight breaks out; Captain Ned intervenes ]
Captain Ned: Is this how men act on a man’s ship? Where is your manliness? Fighting on deck is a serious breach on my articles of strict discipline! I’m afraid the guilty party is in for a very severe punishment!
Sailor #1: Captain.. I did indeed take Mr. Spunk’s spot. I’m ready to accept my punishment..
First Mate Spunk: Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don’t put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish.
Sailor #2: [ entering ] Captain, I encouraged this fight – punish me! Make me wear nipple-pinching clothespins, sir!
Sailor #3: [ entering ] Me, Captain! Punish me!
Captain Ned: Stop! I’ve heard enough! Your manly admission of guilt is most manful. However, as your Captain, it is I who must bear the full masculine responsibility! And therefore, I will be punished. Spunk! Take me alone! I want a boiling oil rub..
[ Spunk drags Captain below decks for his punishment ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Having had no seafaring experience, I was surprised at how different the life of a sailor was from what I had imagined. Our day began at dawn, where, after a hearty breakfast, we had punishment ’til lunchtime. After lunch, there was more punishment ’til dinner. After dinner, we would pull up anchor and sail for an hour, then drop anchor again for soem verbal humiliation, followed by evening punishment. I imagine that the crew is quite used to it, for in all my rounds with the ship surgeon, Dr. Pierce, I never once heard a man complain.”
[ Miles follows Dr. Pierce during one of his rounds ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Sir? I was thinking, wouldn’t we make better progress if we was under sail 14 hours a day, and had punishment only two hours a day, instead of the other way ’round?
Dr. Pierce: Miles, my boy, you have much to learn. Wihout strict discipline, we’d have mutiny on this ship.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh.
Dr. Pierce: [ examines his patient’s knee ] Let’s see. Ooh.. I don’t like the looks of that leg, Mr. Tarvox. I’m afraid we’ll have to take it off.
Mr. Tarvox: Really?
Dr. Pierce: Yes, I’m afraid so. And probably the arm, as well.
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ confused ] The arm?! Why the arm, Doctor?
Dr. Pierce: Well, to get the leg. Look. It’s rather in the way, see? [ indicates Tarvox’s arm resting on his leg ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Why can’t he hold the arm out of the way.
Dr. Pierce: Well, that’s.. fine.. if you’d rather do that.
Mr. Tarvox: Yes, sir. Please.
Dr. Pierce: Okay. Now, don’t worry, Mr. Tarvox, you won’t feel a thing. You’ll wake up, and they’ll be gone.
Mr. Tarvox: They?
Dr. Pierce: It. It’ll be gone. Uh.. I guarantee you won’t know which one is missing.
Mr. Tarvox: Oh.
Dr. Pierce: Any preferences? [ Tarvox gives a strange look ] Good. Good. Okay, we’ll take the.. the..
Miles Cowperthwaite: Leg.
Dr. Pierce: ..leg.. off on Thursday, okay? First thing. You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.. [ walks off to have a drink ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Perhaps this isn’t the routine of an ordinary sailor: floggings, stockings, key haulings, kneeling on our knuckles, having things dropped on our heads, being pushed down stairs, and so on. But occasionally, there would be time for activities such as steering the ship, and trying to make the sails fill up with wind. Captain Ned took a warm, personal interest in my welfare, and if a night was stormy, or even mildy choppy, he would ocme to my cabin to comfort me.”
[ Captain Ned enters Miles’ room as he prays beside his bed ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh. Captain Ned.
Captain Ned: [ grinning ] Hello, Miles. Uh.. I was worried that you might be.. “frightened” by the masty weather.. [ unbuttons the top of his pajamas ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: But, Captain Ned, sir, it is perfectly calm tonight!
Captain Ned: Just so.. with the stormy weather we’ve been having lately, I was afraid this.. sudden calm might alarm you. Because I’ve seen grown men – manly men, in the full pride of their mahood, grow white with terror on serene, tranquil nights as this!
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, that is very kind of you, sir.. [ chuckles nervously ] [ Captain Ned blows out the candle besides Miles’ bed, leaving the room in total darkness ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “So dangerously flaccid did that night become, thus Captain Ned remained in my cabin to reassure me until dawn, when we were aroused by a shout from Mr. Spunk..”
First Mate Spunk: [ peering through telescope ] Land ahoy! Land ahoy! Oh, my God, I don’t know.. oh, it might be land, maybe it’s another boat.. Oh, daft, it might me a cloud! No, I can’t tell, this damn thing is torturing me. Oh, maybe it’s a cloud, I’m not sure, oh dear!
Captain Ned: [ walking up ] Mr. Spunk! Have you spied land?
First Mate Spunk: I’m not sure! Somebody else get up here and look! If I say it’s land, and we make for it and it’s not, I’ll get yelled for it!
Captain Ned: Alright! [ peers through telescope ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “What Mr. Spunk had sighted was not land at all, but a small, open boat. Which, upon closer inspection, was found to contain two remarkable passengers.”
[ two women climb onboard The Raging Queen ]
Captain Ned: [ greeting them ] I am Captain Ned, of The Raging Queen! Tell me.. are there any males with you?
Madeline Warrington: No. Just my sister and I.
Ruth Warrington: Yes. My name is Ruth Warrington. This is my sister Madeline. We were crossing the West Indies, when pirates seized our ship. They took our entire crew prisoners.
Captain Ned: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Uh.. can you tell me, were these pirates manly and verile?
Madeline Warrington: They were contemptible animals, who subjected our ship’s crew to the most unspeakable torture!
First Mate Spunk: Do you suppose these pirates might still be anywhere in the area.
Ruth Warrington: Yes. I’m afraid they may yet be very close..
Captain Ned: I see. [ runs to address his crew ] Men! There are pirates in these waters! Pirates who inflict hideous punishment to those who fall into their hands! [ crew oohs ] Now, we can turn tail and run. Or, we can take the many course, that which our manhood demands! Find these despots of discipline, and comfort them! What is your answer!!
Crew: Find the pirates!!
Captain Ned: So it will be done! Stand by to incur the waters!
[ crew wave out to see, in search of the pirates ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Despite six months spent in the endevour, our search for the pirates proved unsuccessful. And so at length we put into port at Key West, where we took on a supply of omelet pans and did the costumes for a production of ‘Take Her, She’s Mine’. These were pleasant times. With Captain Ned ashore buying melons, discipline was less severe, and his trips to my cabin to comfort me less frequent. One night, however, as I lay in bed writing a letter to Lord Pinckley, I heard an unfamilair knock at my door.”
[ a knock at the door ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Come in?
[ the Warrington sisters enter ]
Ruth Warrington: Hello, Miles. We came to see if you were alright.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh.
Madeline Warrington: Yes. We were worried that the cool sea air, combined with the saltiness of the spray, and the closeness of ships in the harbor might have alarmed you.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh. Well, that’s very kind of you, but I’m not frightened! Are you alright?
Ruth Warrington: Well.. these past six months at sea aboard The Raging Queen have been somewhat frightening.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Begging your pardon, ma’am.. but have any of the men on board.. well.. tried to take liberties with you.
Madeline Warrington: No. No, not really.
Ruth Warrington: No. We haven’t been harmed at all.
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ happy ] Oh! Well, ma’am, I suspect that’s due to the discipline Captain Ned employs on this ship! For this crew is an unsavory lot!
Madeline Warrington: Yes, I suspect so. [ removing clothes ] Hey, Miles, it is terribly hot in here!
Ruth Warrington: Isn’t it, Madeline? [ removes her clothes as well ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, it’s alright for me!
Madeline Warrington: Perhaps we can comfort you, then, Miles?
[ Captain Ned enters; the girls jump up ]
Captain Ned: Hello, Miles.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh! Captain Ned!
Captain Ned: Hello, Miss Warrington. Miss Warrington. Miles, I hurried back, as, uh.. I was afraid that the excitement of the last several months at sea, combined with the change of seasons might have alarmed you.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Captain..
Ruth Warrington: Excuse me, Captain, but we were comforting Miles.
Madeline Warrington: Wait! Perhaps we can all comfort Miles!
[ a look of distress falls upon Miles’ face ]
Captain Ned: Very well. I see nothing unmanly in that.
[ the three of them undress and climb into Miles’ bed ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Of all that I have suffered since going to sea, nothing could compare to the constant comforting of Captain Ned and the Warrington sisters. And I resolved to escape from The Raging Queen at the first opportunity.” ] [ show Miles walking across the ship in disguise ]
“One night, while the crew was below doing exercises to flatten their stomachs, I stole the Second Mate’s coat, collected my few belongings, and lowered myself over the mast.”
[ Miles jumps overboard ]
“A war took place after I hit the water. I have very little recollection. I was evidently quite ill for a very long time, and the next thing I remember seeing was the friendly face of Dr. Pierce.”
Dr. Pierce: He’s coming around..
Ruth Warrington: Oh, thank God!
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ dazed ] Where am I?
Madeline Warrington: You’re back on board The Raging Queen, Miles.
Dr. Pierce: Yes. You were very lucky. One of the crew saw you fall overboard.
Ruth Warrington: Captain Ned will be so relieved. He’s been with you every moment, Miles.. comforting you.
Dr. Pierce: Well, Miles, I suspect you’ll be strong enough to go under the knife in a couple of days, huh?
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ worried ] What?! What do you mean, Dr. Pierce?!
Dr. Pierce: The legs, Miles. I’m afraid they’ll have to come off. Now, I’ve only got one pegleg aboard, but I can get you a nice hook for the bottom of this left knee. As soon as we reach port, we’ll go shopping for a nice wooden one.
Miles Cowperthwaite: But, sir! Must I lose my legs?
Dr. Pierce: I’m afriad so, Miles. When we pulled you out of the water, your legs were.. soaking wet.
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: From the moment I learned that Dr. Pierce has designs on my legs, I decided to repeat my attempt at escape whatever the risk involved.
[ show Miles sneaking across the ship in disguise ]
The very next morning, after one final night of comforting from Captain Ned, I once more stowed out of my cabin and lowered myself over the side, this time completely undetected.
[ Miles jumps overboard ]
And so my term of service at sea had come to an end. Once again, I found myself quite alone in the world, with little capitol and few prospects. Of the details of my escape from The Raging Queen, as well as my adventures subsequent thereto, the reader shall learn in my next chapter: ‘I Am Eaten By Sharks’.”
Mr. Hands V/O: Hey, kids! It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!
[ title card lifts to reveal Mr. Hands searching for Mr. Bill ]
Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill? Say, Mr. Bill, where are you? We’re supposed to go bowling today, remember? [ picks up a note ] Hmm.. a note..
Mr. Bill V/O: “Dear, Mr. Hands: Went shopping, be back later.”
Mr. Hands: Oh, well. Maybe I’ll stop by later.
[ Mr. Hands exits, as the camera moves in on the closet door ]
Mr. Bill: Psst! Hey, kids! It’s me, Mr. Bill! No, over here. Yeah! I’m hiding in the closet. Ohhhhh, I’m sorry I had to tell a fib.. but I didn’t want Mr. Hands to know where me and Spot are. you know, I’m beginning to wnder if we’re very safe around him any more. I-I’m even beginning to think that he likes Mr. Sluggo better than he likes me, because he always let’s him pick on me! And the mean things he does to poor little Spot. You know, it gets me mad sometimes! And then, today, Mr. Hands says he wanted us to go “bowling” with him? Well, you know, I think that we’d be a lot safer hiding in here. So, kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today! Because we’re all gonna play in the closet! Yaaaaaayyy!! Now.. [ the sound of the front door opwening and closing is heard ] Uh-oh! Uh-oh, Mr. Hands is home. Don’t cry, we’ll be safe here.
Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, I’m back? Where are ya?
Mr. Bill’s Voice: Shhhhhhh!!
Mr. Hands: Gee.. I just can’t imagine where he could be. It just isn’t like Mr. Bill. Oh, well.. Since I’m here, I might as well return his bowling ball. I’ll put it in the closet. It’s good to return borrowed things properly.
[ Mr. Hands drops the bowling ball into the lcoset, which lands directly in Mr. Bill’s head ]