Joan Face … Jane Curtin Lynn Hagstrom … Laraine Newman Chris Randolph … Buck Henry
[GRAPHIC: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY – MUSIC: “BothSides Now”: “I’ve looked at life from both sides now /From give and take / And still somehow …” – Dissolve to talk show set and host Joan Face.]
Joan Face: Good evening and welcome to “Not ForTranssexuals Only” — I’m Joan Face. Our guests todayare both recent transsexuals. First, Chris Randolph,one of thousands of men who have opted for womanhood.[bespectacled guy in a wig, blouse and pantsuit withlegs crossed] And Mr. Lynn Hagstrom, one of the fewwomen ever to become a man. [mustachioed woman wearingnecktie, legs spread apart] Lynn, yours was anextremely unusual operation. Can you tell us aboutit?
Lynn Hagstrom: Uh, yeah, Joan. It wasn’t easy.I had to wait a year and a half until they found amale donor with the same color hair.
Joan Face: And, uh, for our donors’information, ah, that – that – uh – or for ourviewers’ information, that donor was, ah, Ms.Randolph. Lynn, what’s it like suddenly beingmale?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, it’s, uh, it’s quite anadjustment, I’d say. In my case, a bigadjustment.
Chris Randolph: Thank you.
Joan Face: Chris, do you feel that you gavemore to Lynn than – than he gave you?
Chris Randolph: Well, well, I did but I wasglad to give it to someone who wanted it and who wouldtake good care of it. I hate the idea of somethinglike that going to waste.
Lynn Hagstrom: Yeah, and I – I did take Chrisout for dinner.
Chris Randolph: In my case, a big dinner.[giggles girlishly]
Joan Face: Then we can conclude that you twosee each other socially.
Lynn Hagstrom: Oh, sure, but we’re just goodfriends.
Chris Randolph: We’ve decided not to getemotionally involved because when I’m around Lynn Ifeel sort of – detached.
Joan Face: Lynn, what was the first change thatyou noticed after the operation?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, you know I get paid morefor doing the same job?
Joan Face: Well, uh, have – have either of youhad any second thoughts about switchinggenders?
Chris Randolph: Not at all. I love this year’sclothes. The colors are so gutsy.
Joan Face: And how ’bout you, Lynn? Anyregrets?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, I think I miss gettingtaken out to dinner and having my cigarettes lit forme and – being slapped around a little.
Joan Face: Chris, what are your plans for thefuture?
Chris Randolph: Well, I guess I’m just anold-fashioned girl, Joan. I’m looking for Mr.Right.
Joan Face: And Lynn?
Lynn Hagstrom: Well, Joan, I’d like to, uh,pork as many broads as possible and … then settledown with the one who really loves me.
Chris Randolph: Say, Joan, I’ve alwayswondered. Why are you the host of “Not ForTranssexuals Only”?
Joan Face: Well, I used to be Edd “Kookie”Byrnes. That’s it for this week. This is Joan Facesaying: join us again next week on “Not ForTranssexuals Only” when our guests will be CarolChanning and Wayne Newton.
[Applause. MUSIC: “Both Sides Now” – Joan shakesChris’ hand as we slowly zoom in on sign at back ofset that reads: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY. Dissolve tobumper photo of Buck Henry inprofile.]
[On the front window of the Olympia Restaurant are thewords: CLOSED – TAKE OUT ONLY. There is evidence of arecent fire: soot and smoke damage on the walls, thecash register, etc. Greek music plays quietly in thebackground throughout the sketch. The phone rings andthe blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete, answers:]
Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Hello, OlympiaRestaurant. … [yells to George, the cook]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger![throws a patty on the grill]
Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] No, no fries. Chip!… [yells to Nico, the counterman who doesn’t reallyunderstand English] Chip! Chip! Chip!
Nico: Chip! Chip! Chip!
Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] What to drink? … No,no Pepsi. Coke. We switch! … Okay. [yells to Nico]Coke! Coke! Coke!
Nico: Coke! Coke! Coke!
[Sandy the waitress, with no customers to wait on,sweeps the floor with a broom.]
Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Uh, ten minutes, allright? All right. [hangs up]
Female Customer: [enters cautiously through the frontdoor – the “CLOSED” sign faces the street and thewords “TAKE OUT ONLY” are scrawled on the taped-upglass] Hi, Pete.
Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her by the door] Oh, we’reclosed today, honey. I’m sorry, we’re not open. Only”to go.”
Female Customer: Oh, I-I know. I just stopped by tosay I was sorry to hear about the fire.
Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.
Female Customer: How did it start?
Pete Dionasopolis: [looks uncomfortable] Ahhhh …Sparks, I think, uh…
Female Customer: Yeah.
Pete Dionasopolis: [shrugs] I don’t know.
Female Customer: Well, uh, do you have any insurance?
Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, sure, I got insurance.
Female Customer: Oh, good.
Sandy: [pauses in her sweeping] Yes, it’s a good thingNico came home from the movies early, you know, thefireman, he say that, uh, if he come ten minuteslater, the whole place would have burned down.[continues sweeping as Pete and the customer move tothe counter]
Female Customer: Aww … Well, uh– [sees Nico’sbandaged arm] Oh! Is that how he burned his arm?
Pete Dionasopolis: No, he burned it while he– He was- he was hitting the alarm box, on the glass.
Nico: [mournfully] Yeah. [puts lids on some Cokes andbags them]
Female Customer: Well, um, when you fix the place up,ya gonna do anything different?
Pete Dionasopolis: [points] Sure, we gonna have a bigsalad bar over there, then we’re gonna knock down thewall for more tables.
Female Customer: Oh.
Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah, it’s gonna be real nice. Whatto go?
Female Customer: Oh, uh, I’ll just have the usual.
Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger!
Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to Nico] Coke! Chip!
Nico: Coke! Chip!
Pete Dionasopolis: All right.
[Two police officers enter, Pete joins them at thedoor]
1st Cop: Well … we knew that a little thing like afire would not keep you guys closed.
2nd Cop: I think we’ll have two large Cokes to go.
1st Cop: Yeah, and some chips.
Pete Dionasopolis: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!
Nico: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!
2nd Cop: Yeah, it doesn’t smell much different inhere.
Female Customer: No. Smells like burnt rubber, doesn’tit?
2nd Cop: Yeah, it might even smell a little betterthan usual.
[Nico brings the cops their order and they head outthe door]
2nd Cop: See ya.
Pete Dionasopolis: [with a dismissive wave] Yeah,yeah, yeah.
Female Customer: Hey, uh, Pete, you forgot to taketheir money.
Pete Dionasopolis: Policemen don’t pay!
Female Customer: Why not?
Pete Dionasopolis: It’s bad luck!
Female Customer: What is it, some kind of Greeksuperstition?
Pete Dionasopolis: It’s an old superstition. If youdon’t give a policeman free food, they won’t come whenthey need you– when you need them.
Female Customer: Oh ho!
George: [hands customer her order] Cheeseburger.
Female Customer: By the way, could I have some ketchupwith this?
George: Sure. [gingerly picks up a charred plasticketchup bottle by the thumb and forefinger and handsit to her]
Female Customer: Well, that’s all right. [drops itwith disgust on counter]
Pete Dionasopolis: [rings cash register] All right,uh, two twenty-eight, honey.
Female Customer: All right.
[Mrs. Larrimore, a woman in a trenchcoat enters.]
Mrs. Larrimore: Uh, Mr. Dionasopolis?
Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her at door] Maybe yes,maybe no.
Pete Dionasopolis: Ah! Please come in! [guides her toa stool at the counter] I – I am Pete Dionasopolis.You know, I’m sorry, but maybe I thought you were fromthe Health Board, you know?
Female Customer: Well, bye everybody! And, Pete, I’mlooking forward to seeing the new salad bar. [exits]
Pete Dionasopolis: [uncomfortable at mention of saladbar in the presence of the insurance adjuster who isbusy pulling out a folder with paperwork] Oh, heh hehheh. [to Mrs. Larrimore] Ah! You want something todrink? Coke?
Nico: [thinks an order has been made] Coke! [Petegives him a look, Nico fixes a Coke]
Mrs. Larrimore: No, thank you.
Pete Dionasopolis: All right. Look what happened to mybeautiful restaurant! Everything is gone!
Nico: [puts a Coke on counter for Mrs. Larrimore]Coke. [But nobody is paying attention]
Mrs. Larrimore: Is this the first time you’ve ever hada fire in your restaurant?
Pete Dionasopolis: No, uh, ’bout five years ago, I hadone when I was with another insurance company.
Mrs. Larrimore: And what was the cause of that fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: [We get the sense throughout hisexchange with Mrs. Larrimore that Pete is not exactlybeing honest with her] Unknown, uh … They think itwas maybe sparks.
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, I see. Now, would it be possiblefor you in the next few days to make a general list ofitems that were destroyed or damaged in the fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: Sure! [has the list ready, reachesfor it on counter] Yes. Here it is. [hands list toMrs. Larrimore]
Pete Dionasopolis: Everything! All my plates, all mydishes, everything is ruined — everything!
Mrs. Larrimore: [reads the list] Five hundred dollarsworth of paper napkins destroyed in the fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: It was a two year supply, you know,we lost them all. Oh ho, gee, boy.
Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred dollars for picture ofSpiro Agnew?
Pete Dionasopolis: It was autographed!
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, okay. Uh … I don’t see anypersonal items here. Did you lose anything like, uh,oh, umbrellas or golf clubs or anything like that?
Pete Dionasopolis: Yes!
Mrs. Larrimore: What?
Pete Dionasopolis: Uh … golf clubs.
Mrs. Larrimore: Golf clubs?
Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.
Mrs. Larrimore: And, uh, what would you estimate thevalue of the golf clubs?
Pete Dionasopolis: Uhhhh, it’s hard to say, uh …
Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred?
Pete Dionasopolis: Four.
Mrs. Larrimore: Four hundred dollars? They must havebeen very good clubs.
Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.
Mrs. Larrimore: Did any of your, uh, your employeeslose any personal belongings?
Pete Dionasopolis: Yes! Everybody! Everybody![gestures for the other employees to gather around,they join him]
Mrs. Larrimore: Everybody lost something in the fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: Mm, yes.
Mrs. Larrimore: What?
Pete Dionasopolis: Golf clubs.
Mrs. Larrimore: You all lost golf clubs in the fire?
Pete Dionasopolis: [nudges a reluctant Sandy to playalong, nods to Nico and George who nod backuncomprehendingly] Yes! Yes. Everybody. You see, weall golf together, you know, that’s why we have tokeep them here.
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, what a shame.
Pete Dionasopolis: Yes, well …
Mrs. Larrimore: Well, I’m going to have to have thenames and addresses of all your employees. [to Nico]Uh, why don’t you start? Your, uh, last name first.
Pete Dionasopolis: His name is Kardopita. Nico. [Sandyand George move off as Nico stands grinning andnodding] Uh, here, I’ll write it for you. [takes penfrom Mrs. Larrimore and writes name in her folder]
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, good. And his address.
Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, he lives here. He lives in theback. He sleeps in the back.
Mrs. Larrimore: [points to floor] He lives HERE?
Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures] Not HERE, he livesTHERE, by the sink.
Mrs. Larrimore: Oh … [laughs, closes folder, puts itaway, shakes her head] I’m very sorry, Mr.Dionasopolis, but your policy clearly states that ifthe, uh, if the premises is used as a residence, thenyou have void your policy. I’m sorry.
Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures to Nico] Okay, forgetabout his golf clubs! [gestures to Sandy] Sandy, yougo next! Come on!
Mrs. Larrimore: [rises] Ah, no, no, no, no. You don’tseem – you don’t seem to understand, Mr. Dionasopolis.By permitting your business establishment to be usedas a residence, you have violated your rights forcoverage. I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you,after all. [hands Pete a business card] If you haveany further questions, you can speak to an arbitrator.His number is on this card. I’m very sorry.
[Mrs. Larrimore exits. Sandy, broom in hand, watches afrustrated Pete as he sits on a counter stool andexhales deeply. He is still brooding as the two policeofficers return to scam more free food.]
2nd Cop: Well, we’re still hungry, so we thought we’ddrop in to say hello again.
1st Cop: [to 2nd Cop] Yeah, how many are you gonnahave, huh, Norm?
2nd Cop: I think I’ll have two.
1st Cop: Yeah, I think I’ll have, uh, two, too.
[Pete stares at them for a moment, then turns away.Realizing Pete is too upset to deal with the cops,Sandy yells out to George:]
George: [throws patties on grill] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
2nd Cop: And, uh, give us some chips.
1st Cop: Yeah, an’ a couple o’ Cokes.
Sandy: [yells to Nico] Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!
Nico: Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!
George: Pete, no insurance money, what – what we gonnado now?
Pete Dionasopolis: What else? We’re Greeks. We …DANCE!
[The Greek music grows louder as Pete rises, liftsarms in the air, throws business card away, and startsdancing as the others watch in amazement]
Pete Dionasopolis: DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE!
[Everyone, including the cops, raises their arms and,holding hands above their heads, the group dances in aline around the set. Dissolve to wider view of setshowing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: coming up next… Land Of The GiantTransistors. Fade.]
[ Ray enters on scene on rollerskates and carrying a fishing pole ]
Ray: Saaay! Do you like disco music? Do you like to roller skate? do you like to fish? You do?! Well, then you’ll want to bring the whole family out to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! A most exciting concept in weekend recreational entertainment amusement parks! Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park is just a short drive away, so you’ll save on gas! And once you get there, hold on to your hat ’cause here comes the fun!
[ dissolve to a group of adults and a small child on roller skates with their legs in the air, dancing ]
The disco music makes you want to get up and move! And on roller skates, it’s great exercise!
[ cut to group of adults and small child standing on a pier fishing while wearing roller skates ]
And when you fish at the same time, it’s so relaxing your cares just roll away in rhythm!
[ close-up of one hand holding roller skates, the other hand holding a fish ]
We rent you the skates and fishing poles; you just pack up the kids, and put a sign on the door that says: “Gone disco roller fishing!”
[ cut to large body of water on the Ray’s property ]
Where? At Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! You’re sure to catch something, and you can eat it later!
[ cut to an interracial couple on roller skates, holding up the fish they caught ]
Every Saturday we have our roller dance fishing contest, with a fifty-dollar prize for the best roller skating couple who catches the biggest fish!
[ dissolve back to Ray ]
Hey, if you like Barry White and whitefish, disco groups and groupers, or a disco bass with bass, come on out! Once you get it, you’re gonna be hooked! [ chuckles ] But, sometimes, the music scares the fish!
[ Ray slips on his roller skates, falling to the pavement ]
Whoa-oa! And sometimes, you fall down!
[ something tugs on Ray’s fishing pole ]
Whoa-oa! Whoa, I think I’ve got a big one! I’d better get up!
[ Ray stands as he reels the fish in ]
Whoops! I mean, get down!
[ dissolve to title card with address: “Garden State Parkway Exit 19 Long Branch, New Jersey” ]
Announcer: Why don’t you get down to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park, jsut south of New York at the New Jersey coast. All major credit cards accepted.
[ open on Mr. Dantley entering bakery, baker at counter with back turned ]
Mr. Dantley: Afternoon! Could someone help me?
[ Baker turns around behind counter, revealing himself as the Samurai, complete with puffy baker’s hat atop his head ]
[ dissolve up title card ]
Announcer: It’s time for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!
Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad you’re still open! You know, my brother is getting married tomorrow; I’m the best man, and like a dope, I forgot to order the wedding cake.
[ Samurai extends his sword angrily, pointing at the “Take A Number” ticket dispenser ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, okay. [ tears a number ticket and waits ]
[ Samurai clicks machine to reveal Number 97, and repeatedly calls out the number in Japanese gibberish; when no one responds, Samurai clicks to Number 98 and calls out ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah! Now.. I need a wedding cake.. [ notices a beautiful graduation cake on the counter ] Oh, ooh-ooh – that cake would be perfect! Listen, can you just.. take the, take the graduate off the top, and.. and.. and put on a little bride and groom?
[ Samurai points to his watch as he speaks in Japanese gibberish ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah. What time were they supposed to pick it up?
[ Samurai points to the 6 on his watch to indicate six o’clock ]
Mr. Dantley: Ooh.. ooh, what a nice watch! That’s great looking! Swiss! I have a Seiko, myself. It’s one of those Japanese-
[ Samurai spits in disgust and pulls his eyes back into a squint; he makes a Swiss cuckoo sound and points to the superiority of his own watch ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah. Well, I know what you mean. [ points to his watch ] Look, look – it’s after six o’clock now. Why can’t I have that cake? It’s real important, honestly.. No, huh? [ pulls a large bill out of his wallet ] Well, uh.. I guess you wouldn’t be interested in, uh.. say a.. bribe of some kind, huh?
[ Samurai angrily expels his sword, slicing the graduate peg from the cake, and carefully replaces it with a bride and groom peg; Samurai then wipes the excess icing off his sword with a cloth ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s good! It’s going to make a young couple very, very happy! [ helps Samurai slide the cake across the counter, onto another flat surface ] I can’t believe that my brother is getting hitched after all these years. You know.. I introduced my brother to his fiancee.
[ curious, points from Mr. Dantley to the bride peg on the cake ]
Mr. Dantley: Mmm-hmm..
[ Samurai squeezes glaze from the tip of his sword, decorating the top of the cake ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh.. oh, that’s real nice! [ continuing his story ] As a matter of fact, I not only introduced him to his fiancee.. I used to go out with her myself.
[ intrigued, the Samurai motions his sword up and down in his case to congratulate Mr. Dantley on his former relationship with his brother’s fiancee ]
Mr. Dantley: [ laughing ] Well, that could be our little secret! By the way, what kind of cake is that under all that whipped cream? Is that chocolate?
Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-mmm.
Mr. Dantley: Devil’s food?
Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-hmm.
Mr. Dantley: What?
[ Samurai motions his hands in a foppish manner ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, fruit cake! My favorite! Boy, it’s really a beauty. You.. you are a master baker!
Samurai: Hmm?? [ looks up, insulted at what he thought he heard, then relaxes ]
Mr. Dantley: How much do I owe you?
[ Saurai determines the price on his sword, giving the total to Mr. Dantley ]
Mr. Dantley: Terrific. [ pays up ] Now, listen, here’s the problem. How am I gonna carry that cake home? Because I have to walk six blocks to get to my house.
[ not a problem for the Samurai, who who grabs the cake in one hand, and flat, unopened boxes wrapped with string in his other hand, then tosses them both into the air, extracting his sword from his holder and swinging at the cake and boxes as they crash to the floor; Samurai then reaches behind the counter and pulls up the cake, now individually boxed by layer and ties with string ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah! Thank you!
[ dissolve up title card ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!
[ open on interior living room, as Betty answers the door to the notorious Uncle Roy ]
Betty: Oh, Roy! Come on in! It’s good to see you! Oh, the girls are so excited that you’re babysitting for them tonight!
Uncle Roy: Hi, Betty. I hope I’m not too early.
Betty: Oh, no.. we were just getting ready to get going.
[ Terri and Tracey suddenly come running and screaming down the stairs to greet their Uncle Roy, who is just as excited to see them in return ]
Terri & Tracy: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Uncle Roy: Hello, my little darlings! Hello, my little darlings!
Betty: Well, they’re pretty excited to see you, no doubt about it! Roy, you are their favorite babysitter.
Tracy: Oh, Uncle Roy! Can we play Slide Down The Banister with Mary Poppins, and you push us down with the umbrella?
Betty: Oh, now stop being silly, Tracy! I don’t know where they get these ideas, Roy!
Uncle Roy: Now, girls, why don’t you go upstairs, and get into your little beds, and Uncle Roy will be up soon to “tuck” you in and tell you a bedtime story.
Terri: Oh! Will you tell us the story about Eddie the Eel and Debbie the Donut!
Uncle Roy: Uhhh.. I, uh.. not if you say another word, I won’t, no.
[ Terri and Tracey quickly run upstairs to get ready ]
Betty: I don’t know what your secret is!
Uncle Roy: I guess I just love children!
[ Arthur enters, dressed rather sleazy in a tan leather jacket and open dress shirt ]
Arthur: Hi there, Roy. How’s the pharmacy business treating you?
Uncle Roy: Oh, I can’t complain!
Arthur: I hope you’re not going to give me any argument over being paid tonight, now?
Uncle Roy: No, no! I wouldn’t dream of taking money for it!
Arthur: I don’t understand you, Roy! [ chuckles ] If I were still a bachelor, you’d never catch me watching a pair of brats for free.
Betty: Roy, you’re too good!
Uncle Roy: Really, it’s my pleasure! So, anyway.. what movie are you two off to tonight?
Betty: “Hair”.
Arthur: Yeah. For the second time.
Betty: You know, Roy, it really was an immoral war.
Arthur: I’ll go warm up the wagon. [ exits the house ]
Betty: Now, there’s fresh Mr. Coffee, and there’s Sara Lee in the fridge. We should be back about eleven. Okay?
Uncle Roy: Okay.
Betty: And don’t let those little monsters take advantage of you.
Uncle Roy: Oh, really.. it’s my pleasure! Have fun yourselves!
Betty: Okay!
[ Betty exits the house, as Uncle Roy carefully removes a Polaroid camera hidden inside his jacket and creeps steathily up the stairs ]
[ cut to Terri and Tracy sitting on their bed, reminiscing about nights past with Uncle Roy ]
Terri: You think Uncle Roy will let us play Invisible Leg Doctor?
Tracy: Oh, maybe. Remember when Uncle Roy played Pirate, and he was the island, and we had to search him for the buried treasure?
Terri: Yeah!
Tracy: That was fun!
Terri: And then we found candies all over him!
Tracy: Oh, that was fun, too!
[ Uncle Roy enters the bedroom, with his Polaroid camera secured around his neck ]
Terri: Oh, boy!
Uncle Roy: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!
Tracy: Oh! I’m Long John Silver! I’m gonna search him for the buried treasure!
[ Tracy and Terri frantically feel all around Uncle Roy’s pockets, in a mad search for candy ]
Terri: [ squealing happily ] I found an Almond Joy!
Uncle Roy: Keep looking, me hardies! you haven’t found the Mounds yet!
[ the girls continue to feel up Uncle Roy’s pockets ]
Tracy: Here it is! Here it is! I found it! I found it!
Uncle Roy: Okay, okay! now, who wants to play “Simon Says”?
Terri & Tracy: Me!! Me!! Me!! Me!!
Uncle Roy: Okay. Now.. Simon Says.. “Touch your nose.”
[ the girls touch their noses ]
Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Touch your toes.”
[ the girls touch their toes ]
Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Touch the hem of your nighties.”
[ the girls touch the hem of their nighties ]
Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. “Grab onto the hem, and raise your arms!”
[ the girls grab the hems of their nighties and raise their arms, though not very high ]
Uncle Roy: Higher! Higher!
Tracy: You forgot to say “Simon Says!”
Uncle Roy: Oh! Simon says, “Higher! Higher!”
[ the girls raise their nighties high enough to please Uncle Roy, revealing their panties; Uncle Roy quickly snaps a few Polaroids and stuffs them into his pocket before the girls catch on ]
Terri: Hey, Uncle Roy, we can’t eat our candy bars with our nighties over our heads..
Uncle Roy: Okay, okay.. Simon Says, “Put your nighties slowly down.”
[ the girls lower their nighties slowly, catching Uncle Roy digging through their dirty laundry basket and holding a couple pairs of soiled panties ]
Tracy: Oh, we played Laundry Inspector last time! Can’t we play a new game?
Uncle Roy: Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! I’m sorry..
Terri: Hey! Look at me! I’m a rubber lady in the circus! Look! [ lays on her back, and bends her legs up in the air ]
Tracy: Uncle Roy, I’m a lion! [ growls ferociously ]
Terri: And I’m a tiger!
Uncle Roy: And I’m the lion tamer! [ slyly suggestive ] I sure hope these ferocious jungle cats don’t turn on me right this second and jump on top of me!
[ naturally, to Uncle Roy’s sheer delight, the girls begin to jump on top of him, crawling all over him and play-biting his legs ]
Uncle Roy: Ohh, the pain! Ohh, it hurts! Ohhh!
Terri: Uncle Roy. You promised to tell us a story..
Tracy: Yeah..
Uncle Roy: Oh, oh.. well, no story until you’re tucked in. So, climb into bed, so Uncle Roy can start tucking!
[ the girls quickly jump into their beds ]
Tracy: Oh, tuck me in first, Uncle Roy.
Uncle Roy: Okay. Now, just settle down for the night! [ tucks Tracy into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ] It’s time for you both to get tucked in! [ tucks Terri into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ]
Terri: [ laughing ] That tickles!
Tracy: Come on, we want our story!
Terri: Yeah!
Uncle Roy: Well.. did I ever tell you the story of the.. wicked Tickle Maniac?
Terri: [ giggling ] No!
Tracy: Tell us!
Uncle Roy: “Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Ickle Pickle, there lived a wicked Tickle Maniac, who tickled so many little girls, that the judge sentenced him to Tickle jail. But he escaped, and went into a rampage throughout the kingdom, and there was only one thing little girls like you could do to stop him.”
Tracy: What’s that, Uncle Roy?
Uncle Roy: Get their little jump ropes, and tie him up! [ the girls don’t move ] Oh, no! I feel a.. tickle fit coming on!
Terri: Oh, no!
Tracy: We better get our jump ropes out!
[ the girls quickly jump out of bed and grab their jump ropes ]
Uncle Roy: Oh! I hope they’re gonna tie me up with their little jump ropes! Oh! Oh!
[ the girls raise Uncle Roy’s arms to the end of each of their bedposts, and tie him tightly to it ]
Uncle Roy: Oh! Next, they’ll be beating me, and hitting me with things!
[ the girls are satisfied with their efforts to tie Uncle Roy to the bedposts ]
Uncle Roy: “What Terri and Tracey didn’t realize was, that the wicked Tickle Maniac could still cry out for help, because they forgot to put their little socks in his mouth and secure them with their little pink ballet tights!”
Tracy: We can do that!
[ the girls quickly grab their socks and pink ballet tights, and stuff them in and around Uncle Roy’s mouth ]
Terri: Here!
Tracy: There you go! Wow, at last, the kingdom is saved!
Terri: Yeah! Now, we can fall asleep in peace!
Tracy: Yeah!
[ the lights go out ]
Tracy: Good night, Terri!
Terri: Good night, Tracey!
Together: Good night, Uncle Roy!
Uncle Roy: [ says “Good night”, but it comes out muffled ]
[ dissolve to wide shot of the set, audience, etc. ]
[ SUPER: “Coming up next: Disco Mafiosa” ]
[ fade ]
… Jane Curtin … Bill Murray … Garrett Morris Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withthe Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersonsBill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [behind her a clock, labeledCLOCK, reads 12:05 a.m.] Good evening. I’m JaneCurtin. Here now the news. Our top storytonight:
California senator S. I. Hayakawa slept soundlythrough a Senate SALT briefing this week. Senator AlanCranston said, quote, “His eyes were closed, his headwas nodding and others allege he was snoring.” Endquote. Hayakawa reportedly commented later, “I need mysleep. Poor people don’t need sleep – because they’renot working and they don’t get tired.” …
A Pennsylvania dairy farmer says that nineteen of hiscows have died from radiation poisoning since theThree Mile Island nuclear accident last month. Otherlocal residents report the continuing deaths ofhousehold pets such as dog, cats, birds – [photo ofchild looking at a tiny prostrate elephant] – and eventhe Harrisburg Zoo’s five-ton elephant Betsy … whowas reduced by radiation shrinkage to the size of aLabrador retriever. …
Bill?
Bill Murray: [who also sits in front of a clocklabeled CLOCK] This week, Congress approvedlegislation to have a special gold medal struck inhonor of John Wayne. The ailing Wayne said, “Shucks,all I did was ride a few horses, kiss a few women, andkill a few redskins and gooks.” … John Wayne,American. …
[Photo of Pierre Trudeau frowning but giving a “thumbsup” sign] Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre ElliotTrudeau, shown here hitchhiking home to Montreal afterlast Tuesday’s elections, conceded the contest toconservative Joe Clark who had been referred to as”Joe Who?” Traditionalist Clark, taking over thegovernment this week, insisted that his title willofficially be “Prime Minister Who?” … And, infollowing the trend set by her predecessor, thenew Prime Minister’s wife immediately flew to New Yorkto celebrate at Studio 54 where she was seenarm-in-arm with none other than Tony Orlando himself.[doctored photo of a grinning Tony Orlando with hisarm around the prime minister’s wife] …
Last year, the Rolling Stones album “Some Girls” wasattacked by black leaders as being racist and it seemsthat time has not diminished the furor over it, as itwas recently the subject of a speech delivered by theReverend Jesse Jackson at an event celebrating the25th anniversary of the Supreme Court’s desegregationdecision. Here to comment is Update’s tokensociologist, Garrett Morris. …
[Polite applause for a bespectacled Garrett Morris wholooks dapper and dicty in a suit and tie.]
Garrett Morris: [dignified, dripping withsnooty condescension] Now, I’d like to speak about thesubject of a certain Mick Jagger – of theRolling Stones. … And I’m going to talk aboutthe song he sang — a song in which he sings thesevery words: “Black girls – just want to havesex – all night long.” …
Now, Mr. Jagger, there is only one question I want toask you — Jaggs. … And you better have theanswer, man, you better have the answer, since youhave besmirched the character of black women.Therefore, here is my question, Jaggs. [pause, takesoff eyeglasses, suddenly drops the pose, pleading]Where are all of these black broads, man? …[huge cheers and applause] Hey, like, where ARE they,baby? You got any phone numbers for me, baby? …Please send ’em to me. [puts glasses back on,dignified again] Thank you. … [enthusiasticapplause]
Jane Curtin: A familiar sight to TV viewers,the old NBC Peacock was redesigned and unveiled by NBCthis week. Aside from a little streamlining, the majorchange was in cutting off the peacock’s legs. …However, our inside sources tell us that the legsweren’t all that was removed – since the bird is nowknown as the NBC Capon. …
Bill?
Bill Murray: The movement to draft Ted Kennedyfor president has begun a full eighteen months beforethe 1980 election. Impatient Democrats have alreadystarted unauthorized “Draft Kennedy” movements in NewHampshire, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. Kennedy has saidprivately that he will never run for president whilehis mother, Rose Kennedy, is alive. Well, impatientDemocrats have already begun arrangements to send the89-year-old matriarch off to visit Jimmy Hoffasometime before the New Hampshire primary. …
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Because of the scarcity ofgasoline, the National Safety Council predicts thatthere will be fewer cars on the road this holidayweekend. Here to comment further on this situation iscorrespondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Huge cheers and applause for the loud Latina womanwith the increasingly frizzy hair.]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot! Thanks alot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey sent me this Memorial Day limerick thatsays:
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
This weekend is boring for me. I gotta stay home in Fort Lee. Having no gas, I declare, Is a pain in the rear ‘Cause you can’t say “ass” on TV. …
Well, Mr. Feder … I didn’t know you AND NipseyRussell were livin’ in New Jersey. … But I knowexactly what you’re goin’ through ’cause this weekend,I — Roseanne Roseannadanna — was plannin’ on drivin’out to the beach. But now, I have to stay home in myapartment and sweat like a dog! … And you knowsomethin’? I love goin’ to the beach onMemorial Day — ’cause you get to see a lot of pinkand white and real pale people with stuff on ’emthat’s been growin’ under their clothes all winter!… Like, they got little pimples and bumps and rashesand clumps of tiny hairs on their backs and legs andyou don’t WHAT they are! …
But I remember last Memorial Day, I went out to JonesBeach. And I was havin’ a great time swimmin’ andlyin’ on my towel and soakin’ up the sunshine andlookin’ like a little doll … when who – whodo I see on the beach but Miss Weekend Updateherself, Jane Curtin! [cheers and applause as wepan to include an increasingly self-conscious Jane]That’s right! Little Jane! And she looks so cute inher black bathing suit with her bubbly, chubby littlethighs! … And those little thighs still had thelittle underwear marks from when she changed in thecar and everything. … So I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Whatare you doin’ at Jones Beach?!”
But Jane wasn’t listenin’ to me. And you know why?’Cause she musta had this big lump o’ wet sand in thebottom of her bathing suit that was like a bulge thatitches. … Well, Jane – Jane kept stickin’ her handin her pants tryin’ to get the sand out and thenflickin’ it away! … And she was – she was there onthe beach and she was jumpin’ up and down and around,and flickin’ sand out of her bathing suit. [Jane,deeply embarrassed, tries to remain calm by twisting apaper clip out of shape] And no matter what Jane did– when she was walkin’, when she was buyin’ ice creamor playin’ Frisbee or anything — she just keptflickin’ at her bathing suit bottom. She just wouldn’ttake her hands out of her pants! … I thought she hada fish in there or somethin’! … [applause]
So, anyways, I yelled, “Hey! Jane! Quit flickin’ atyourself! What are you tryin’ to do?! Make me sick?!”… Well, I couldn’t believe the way she–
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, shut up!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [makes a face] …Well, what’s with you, Miss Jane?
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, people — all sorts ofpeople have little odd things that happen to them. Whydo you insist on coming on and straying from thesubject to talk about some disgusting innuendoes? Thisman asked you about the gas shortage.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it justgoes to show ya. It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you don’t have gas oryou got a lump of wet sand in the bottom of yourbathing suit. … You know, it’s just like the littlesong that my father used to sing to me before I wentto bed at night. It’s a song about you, Jane!And it was recorded in 1956 by the RoseannadannaBrothers. … And it goes like this:
[snaps her fingers and sings screechily, to the tuneof the Everly Brothers’ hit song “All I’ve Got to Dois Dream”:]When I need you to be my friend When I need favors I can depend Whenever I want you All I got to yell is “Ja-a-a-a-ane!”
[puts a friendly arm around Jane who smiles, wonover]
I sure think you’re fine I say it all the time I think that you’re a real peach! The only trouble is Gee whiz! You make me sick on the beach! … [Jane’s facefalls, applause]
I need you so, I wanna die! You got some stuff there in your eye! … Do you wanna Kleenex? [grabs a tissue and offersit to a disgusted Jane]Here, you can use this Kleenex, Ja-a-a-a-ane![Jane pushes the tissue away]
Jane Curtin: Good night, my little RoseanneRoseannadanna. [Roseanne wipes Jane’s cheek with thetissue, Jane slaps her hand away] That’s the news.Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [waves into camera]Good night!
[Huge cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of thedesk and fade.]
…..Margot Kidder …..Gilda Radner Audience Member…..Jim Downey …..Dave Wilson …..Pete Fatovich …..Lorne Michaels Interviewer…..Tom Schiller Medical Squad #1…..Tom Davis Medical Squad #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Margot Kidder: Hi! [ audience cheers loudly ] Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Happy St. Patrick’s Day! [ audience goes crazy with applause ] Boy, thanks! It’s, uh.. it’s.. really a double treat for me to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live” because, uh.. it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and, uh.. y-y-you, uh.. New Yorkers are right out of your minds, I gotta tell ya! [ audience applauds themselves for being out of their minds ] I mean, this city was one big party today! It actually made the Mardi Gras look like a wake! I mean, the parade was terrific, everybody’s drunk in all the bars..
[ the camera angle begins to droop to the floor, unbeknownst to Kidder, as only her feet are visible ]
Margot Kidder: ..But I-I sort of.. I guess it’s the luck of the Irish, uh.. I feel proud to be Irish..
[ the feet of Gilda Radner’s steps up to Margot Kidder’s feet ]
Gilda Radner: Margo..
Margot Kidder: Hi! Gilda, what are you doing here? Are we on the air?
Gilda Radner: Uh.. yeah.. well, we’re sorta half on the air..
Margot Kidder: Well, what do you mean half on..?
Gilda Radner: Wait, just come down here.. look for a second..
[ both women lean on the knees on the floor, and stare perplexed at the camera ]
Margot Kidder: Ohhh.. oh, I see what you mean. Gilda, what’s going on?
Gilda Radner: Oh, nothing! It’s no problem at all! It’s just this time of year, you know? St. Patrick’s Day. Most of the.. most of the crew’s Irish, and, uh..
Margot Kidder: Ohhhhh..
Gilda Radner: Look, there’s nothing to worry about.. We can- Just follow me, okay? We’ll go away to the control booth and see.
Margot Kidder: Okay, okay..
Gilda Radner: It’s nothing to worry about at all – technically. It’s live TV! It’s spontaneous! Things happen all the time!
[ an audience member rises from his seat, stopping Gilda and Margot in their tracks ]
Audience Member: Eh-excuse me, Miss kidder?
Gilda Radner: Wait, you shouldn’t be bothering her..
Margot Kidder: No, it’s okay.. it’s okay.
Audience Member: Yeah, I-I saw you in “Superman”, and I thought you were just great.
Margot Kidder: Oh, thank you!
Audience Member: I have this bet with a friend – is it true you only use 10% of your brain?
Margot Kidder: Uh.. y-yes.. I guess that’s true..
Gilda Radner: Could you please sit down! The audience is not supposed to ask questions of the host! [ Gilda pushes the audience member back to his seat, as she and Margot continue their walk to the control room ] You know, last week we had a horse, and he kepy walking around.. but we have the best director – Dave Wilson – and he can handle anything! There’s nothing to wory about!
Margot Kidder: Do these technical problems happen all the time?
Gilda Radner: Oh, sure! All the time! Didn’t you see “Hello, Larry” on NBC?
[ in the control room at last, they find the control drunk off their asses, singing and chanting merrily with glasses raised high ]
Gilda Radner: Excuse me! Excuse me! [ notices director Dave Wilson collapsing to the floor, as assistant director Pete Fatovich tries to lift him back into his seat ] Oh, no! Oh, no! Pete! Pete! Peeeeete!
Pete Fatovich: Whaaat??!
Gilda Radner: When did- When did-
Pete Fatovich: It’s alright, it’s gonna be alright..
Gilda Radner: When did Dave-
Pete Fatovich: Last week! About halfway through the Gary Busey show!
Gilda Radner: Oh, no..
Pete Fatovich: Don’t worry! Don’t worry! It’s gonna be alright.
Gilda Radner: Margo, this is Dave Wilson..
Dave Wilson: [ groggily ] Right here, hello!
Margot Kidder: Where’s Lorne?
Gilda Radner: Lorne?
Margot Kidder: Lorne.. Lorne told me if I had a problem, I could go right to him.
Gilda Radner: Well, he’s doing an interview now, I don’t know if we could- [ looks to the back and notices Lorne at hisi nterview ] Wait! Back there! Come here, come here.. [ leads Margot to the back room ]
[ camera pans over to a glass wall, where Lorne Michaels can be seen conducting an interview in an interior office ]
Lorne Michaels: Politics is always a possibility.. I mean, let’s face it, being a producer is like being a senator-
[ Gilda and Margot enter the office to interrupt Lorne ]
Margo Kidder: Lorne? Um..
Lorne Michaels: Yeah? Sorry.
Gilda Radner: Um.. Lorne? Did you see Davey? Did you see Davey?
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, it’s alright – the medical squad is on its way down. They’ve already-
Gilda Radner: Oh! So there’s nothing to worry about!
Lorne Michaels: There’s really nothing to worry about. They’ll be here in a minute or two – it happens every day..
Gilda Radner: It’s okay, Margot.. come on, we’ll go back.
[ Gilda and Margo leave the office, as the camera pans back to the out-of-control control area, a medical squad already on the scene to revive Dave Wilson ]
Gilda Radner: Oh, look.. is he gonna be alright?
Medical Squad #1: He’ll be alright.. he’ll be alright.. Every year it’s like this, every year..
Gilda Radner: Okay, okay..
Medical Squad #1: David Brinkley passed out on Segment Three!
Gilda Radner: Yeah, okay. Everything’s going to be alright, Margo.
Margo Kidder: He looks real efficient.
Gilda Radner: Oh, he’s the best director in the world! [ to the medical squad ] Pour some water on him! [ the medical squad splashes water on Dave’s face ] Good!
Dave Wilson: [ groggy, but coming back into his own ] “Live! From New York..!”
Gilda Radner: No, Dave! No! Dave! Dave, this is-
Pete Fatovich: We did that already!
Medical Squad #1: Sit him up! Sit him up! Come on! Come on!
Gilda Radner: No, no! Davey! Davey, listen to me! This is Margo Kidder! She’s hosting this week’s show! [ to Margo ] It’s Dave Wilson, our director.
Dave Wilson: Jean..? How are ya..? Nice to meet you..?
Margo Kidder: Margo! Margo!
Dave Wilson: Mar-go..
Margo Kidder: Yeah!
Dave Wilson: I’ll tell you what – take her out there, let’s start again from the top..
Gilda Radner: Alright! come on, Margo, come on.. yeah, we’re going.
[ Gilda and Margo hurry out of the control room ]
Dave Wilson: Stand by!
Pete Fatovich: Roll the tape, Dave?
Dave Wilson: Run it!
Pete Fatovich: Yeah, alright.. Three! Two! O-one..
Mr. Hands V/O: Hey, kids! It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!
[ title card lifts to reveal Mr. Hands searching for Mr. Bill ]
Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill? Say, Mr. Bill, where are you? We’re supposed to go bowling today, remember? [ picks up a note ] Hmm.. a note..
Mr. Bill V/O: “Dear, Mr. Hands: Went shopping, be back later.”
Mr. Hands: Oh, well. Maybe I’ll stop by later.
[ Mr. Hands exits, as the camera moves in on the closet door ]
Mr. Bill: Psst! Hey, kids! It’s me, Mr. Bill! No, over here. Yeah! I’m hiding in the closet. Ohhhhh, I’m sorry I had to tell a fib.. but I didn’t want Mr. Hands to know where me and Spot are. you know, I’m beginning to wnder if we’re very safe around him any more. I-I’m even beginning to think that he likes Mr. Sluggo better than he likes me, because he always let’s him pick on me! And the mean things he does to poor little Spot. You know, it gets me mad sometimes! And then, today, Mr. Hands says he wanted us to go “bowling” with him? Well, you know, I think that we’d be a lot safer hiding in here. So, kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today! Because we’re all gonna play in the closet! Yaaaaaayyy!! Now.. [ the sound of the front door opwening and closing is heard ] Uh-oh! Uh-oh, Mr. Hands is home. Don’t cry, we’ll be safe here.
Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, I’m back? Where are ya?
Mr. Bill’s Voice: Shhhhhhh!!
Mr. Hands: Gee.. I just can’t imagine where he could be. It just isn’t like Mr. Bill. Oh, well.. Since I’m here, I might as well return his bowling ball. I’ll put it in the closet. It’s good to return borrowed things properly.
[ Mr. Hands drops the bowling ball into the lcoset, which lands directly in Mr. Bill’s head ]
[ as background music plays, scenes show navy workers performing various activities: mopping a floor, peeling potatoes, cooking and serving cafeteria food, scrubbing toilets, chipping paint off of an old ship wall, fastening chains on a ship, mopping the ship, tarring a ship floor, and sitting in a room watching TV ]
The Navy. See your local recruiter or call toll free.
[ final image shows phone number 311-555-5000 against a man with a mop and bucket – the motto is also shown ]
Superman/Clark Kent … Bill Murray Beverly … Gilda Radner The Flash … Dan Aykroyd Lana Lang … Jane Curtin The Hulk … John Belushi Cookie Hulk … Laraine Newman Antman … Garrett Morris
[A spacious high-rise apartment overlooking the cityof Metropolis. Lois Lane stands by a punch bowl.]
Lois Lane: Honey! Honey, do you want to mix the punch?I don’t know what it is. Four parts vodka to one mixor– Ahhh! [she pours the vodka directly in the bowlas Superman, wearing an apron, bounds into the roomand adopts his power stance with hands on hips]
Lois Lane: What is it?
Superman: It’s four parts to one. Can you do it,sweetheart? I’m putting the nachos in the oven.
Lois Lane: Okay. You know, I sure hope the people mixbetter than they did at my birthday party. I mean,your friends clumped on one side and all my friendswere on another side. [doorbell rings] Who can thatbe? They’re ten minutes early?
Superman: I’ll get it. [bounds to the door and opensit to reveal the Flash] Hey! If it isn’t the fastestman alive! [they shake hands as the Flash’s dateBeverly enters]
Lois Lane: [kisses Flash on cheek] How are ya? Hi,Beverly!
Beverly: Hi.
The Flash: Superman, Lois. My friend, Beverly. [theyexchange greetings]
Beverly: Ohhh, look at your ring! What a beautifuldiamond!
Lois Lane: Aw, thanks. Hubby here made it out of a bagof E-Z Lite Charcoal Briquettes for me.
The Flash: He’s a real handyman around the house, huh?
Lois Lane: Uh huh.
The Flash: Hey, probably won’t need one of these.[offers a gift-wrapped present]
Superman: Ohhh! A corkscrew. Thank you.
Lois Lane: [annoyed, to Superman] Uh, would you let meopen it first? I mean, there are some of us who don’thave X-ray vision and we like to be surprised.
Superman: [nods in agreement] I’m sorry.
Lois Lane: [unwraps present] Oh! A corkscrew!
Superman: A corkscrew! Well, thank you.
Lois Lane: Oh, thank you.
Superman: You know, it’s the one thing I could reallyuse around the house. You know, lately, I’ve beensucking the cork out and I end up drinking the wholebottle. Thank you.
Lois Lane: You really shouldn’t have.
The Flash: That’s okay.
Superman: Flash? Beverly?
Lois Lane: Beverly? Want some punch?
Superman: Punch?
Beverly: Oh, great. [all four walk to the punch bowl]
The Flash: Well, thanks, I just had some there as -while you asked me. Ha ha! When you blinked your eye.
Superman: [chuckles] Would you like some more?
The Flash: I just had some there when you just askedme the second time.
Beverly: Honey, you’d better slow down.
The Flash: Oh, you know me. [laughs]
Beverly: Mm hmm.
Lois Lane: [hands punch to Beverly] There you go,dear.
Beverly: Thank you.
The Flash: Thanks a lot. Oh, great. That looks great.
Superman: [sensing trouble, glancing at door] Oh, uh…
The Flash: Beautiful apartment.
Lois Lane: Thank you.
Superman: … Lana Lang is here, Lois.
Lois Lane: [doorbell rings, coolly] I’ll get it,honey. [heads for the door]
The Flash: [to Superman] You and that crazy X-rayvision! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Lois Lane: [opens door without looking,unenthusiastic] Hi, Lana.
Lana Lang: [breezes in, cigarette in one hand, thicklysugarcoating her envy] Hi, Lois. How’s the luckiestgirl in the world?
Lois Lane: [mimics her faux sweetness] Oh, just fine.Why don’t you join the party and try and have somefun?
[But Lana has already breezed past her to joinSuperman and friends at the punch bowl.]
Lana Lang: [puts a loving hand on Superman] Hello.
Superman: Hi, Lana. Have you met my friends, the Flashand – and Beverly? [Lois pointedly pushes Lana awayfrom Superman as she rejoins him]
Beverly: Beverly, yes.
The Flash: Hello. How are ya?
Lana Lang: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Oh, bythe way, Superman, I just read that profile of you byClark Kent for the Daily Planet. Boy, does Clark Kentlove you.
Superman: Heh heh heh. [Lois fixes a drink for Lana asSuperman deftly changes the subject] Say, Flash, I gota new ping pong table in the rec room. What do you sayI take you on?
The Flash: Okay, but no betting. You know what happenswhen we bet. [they laugh heartily]
Lana Lang: [accepting punch from Lois] Thank you.
The Flash: [to Superman] Let’s do it. [to Beverly] Seeya later, Bev.
Beverly: Bye-bye.
[Superman and the Flash exit, leaving the women at thepunch bowl.]
Lana Lang: Well, Lois, married life seems to beagreeing with you.
Lois Lane: Well, yes, but, uh, you know, living with asuperhero does have its problems, Lana.
[Unlike the other women who are used to this sort ofthing, Lana Lang looks momentarily disconcerted at thesounds of the super-speed ping pong playing thatdrifts in from the rec room.]
Beverly: I’ll say. My biggest problem with the Flashis that I just cannot get him to relax and he hastrouble sleeping.
Lois Lane: Well, there’s still a lot I don’t knowabout Superman, I mean, he still won’t told me hissecret identity.
Lana Lang: Well, if he won’t tell you his secretidentity, maybe there’s some other things that he’snot telling you.
Lois Lane: [ironic] Ha ha ha. [doorbell rings] Oh,wait, I’ll get it. Hang on a minute. Be right back.[goes to door and opens it] Hulk! [The green-skinnedIncredible Hulk, carrying a cookie tin, enters] Comeon in! [Hulk mutters and flexes his ratherout-of-shape muscles] You crazy nut! [Lois gives theHulk a hug and kiss] How are ya?
The Hulk: Hey, Lois! Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Lois Lane: How was the parade? Were you the GrandMarshall again?
The Hulk: Naw, the Green Lantern’s turn this year. Werotate. One year …
Lois Lane: Oh, yeah.
[The Hulk’s wife, Cookie, enters, head bandaged, armin a cast, and with a crutch for support]
Lois Lane: Cookie! Cookie Hulk! What happened to you?
Cookie Hulk: [annoyed] What do ya think happened?[sharply, to the Hulk] I swear, first thing Mondaymorning — twin beds!
The Hulk: [grudgingly] Oh, all right. [to Lois] Oh,uh, we got a present for ya.
Lois Lane: What?
The Hulk: [opens lid of cookie tin] KRYPTONITE! [Loisjumps back startled as Hulk shuts lid and howls withlaughter] Ah ha ha ha! Just kidding! [hands Lois thecookie tin] It’s, uh, it’s almond bark.
Lois Lane: It’s almond bark?
The Hulk: Yeah, almond bark.
Lois Lane: [underwhelmed] Oh. [opens lid, looksinside] Thank you very much.
The Hulk: Hey, where’s that invincible husband ofyours, anyway, huh?
[Superman bounds in, to the delight of Lois, Cookieand the Hulk. Hulk hollers happily, moves toward him.]
Superman: [to Hulk] How’s it goin’?
The Hulk: Superman! Howzit goin’?! [they shake hands,Hulk pretends Superman has a crushing grip] Ooh oohooh, let go, let go, let go! [they both crack up, theFlash enters and shakes hands with the Hulk] Hey,Flash!
The Flash: How ya doin’?
The Hulk: What are you two jokers doin’ around here?Hey! [they playfully punch one another]
[Meanwhile, at the punch bowl, Lois fixes a drink forCookie.]
Lois Lane: [snidely, to Lana] How are the cookies?Eating ’em all up yet?
Lana Lang: You know, I’m surprised Clark Kent isn’there.
Lois Lane: I hope he comes. I invited him.
Lana Lang: You know, it’s funny.
Lois Lane: What?
Lana Lang: About Clark.
Lois Lane: What?
Lana Lang: Have you ever noticed how you never seeClark and the Flash together at the same time?
Lois Lane: [thinks about it] Hmm.
[Doorbell rings, the Flash moves to answer it.]
The Flash: I’ll get it, Lois. [opens door, grunts andcrouches as if putting his arm around someone] SueStorm, the Invisible Girl! [laughs] Come on right in![Spider-Man, looking rather thin, enters and shakeshands with Flash] Hey, Spider-Man! All right.[Spider-Woman, looking stunningly sexy, enters andgets a kiss and handshake from Flash] Spider-Woman.How are ya? Hey. [The Thing, huge and orange, mustenter sideways] Ah, the Thing! All right! Come on in,join the party. [Antman, wearing a helmet withantennae, enters and shakes hands, but the Flashdoesn’t recognize him] Ah… Excuse me, I’m not sureif I remember your name. I’m really bad with names,you know.
Antman: [high-pitched voice] You don’t remember me? Wemet several times. I is Antman. A-N-T-M-A-N.
The Flash: Oh, right, right.
Antman: Yeah.
The Flash: Uh, Antman.
Antman: Yeah.
The Flash: What are your super powers again? You – you- you talk to the ants, is that it?
Antman: Well, partly. But, mainly, I shrink myselfdown to the size of an ant while retaining my fullhuman strength.
The Flash: Really?
Antman: Yeah.
The Flash: [sarcastic] Oooh, that’s really impressive.Size of an ant with human strength. You must be ableto clean house on those other ants, huh? [chuckles]Hey! Hey, Hulk! Hey, check this guy out.
[The Hulk joins them. He and the Flash can barely keepfrom laughing at poor Antman and can’t help chortlingin-between their heavily sarcastic remarks:]
The Hulk: Ooooh!
The Flash: He’s got the strength of a human!
The Hulk: Antman, huh?! Where are your ants?
Antman: They’re – they’re at home, uh, in the antfarm.
The Hulk: Oh, better stay out of this guy’s way.
The Flash: Oooh! Every molecule’s quiverin’ now!
Antman: I don’t see what’s so funny. There somethingwrong with being Antman? I mean, what’s the joke? Idon’t see what’s so–
The Hulk: Oh, great, great, Antman. Oh, excuse me.[joins Lois at punch bowl]
The Flash: [to Antman] Don’t worry about it. We’rejust ribbin’ ya.
The Hulk: Hey, Lois, uh, where’s the can? Is it aroundhere?
Lois Lane: Right over there.
The Hulk: Over there, huh?
[Whistling nonchalantly, the Hulk exits into thebathroom.]
Lois Lane: Wait, um …
[A woman screams. The Hulk emerges hastily from thebathroom.]
The Hulk: All right! All right! Geez! Sorry! I’msorry! Sorry I didn’t see ya sittin’ there on the pot,there. [to the folks at the punch bowl] Hey, if theInvisible Girl is gonna go to the bathroom, she shouldlock the door!
[The Hulk walks off and we center on Lois and Supermanat the punch bowl:]
Lois Lane: [to Superman] I wonder where Clark Kent is.
Superman: Aw, don’t worry about Clark. I have afeeling he’ll show up some time tonight.
Lois Lane: Well, maybe I could call him and ask him tobring some ice. We’re sort of running low on ice.
Superman: More ice?
Lois Lane: Yeah.
Superman: Excuse me for a minute, my love. I’ll beright back.
Lois Lane: Okay.
[Superman bounds to the glass doors that open onto thebalcony, opens them, licks his finger, puts it to theair to test the wind, then flies off. Meanwhile,Beverly and Cookie sit together, chatting:]
Beverly: Say, Cookie, the Hulk, uh, looks like he lostsome weight.
Cookie Hulk: Yeah, but he’s still, uh, way out ofshape. I gotta get him to go on a diet this summer.
Beverly: Oh, boy. Did you see the love handles on theFlash? [At the punch bowl, the Flash smokes what mayor may not be a cigarette while conversing with Antmanand the Hulk; he offers them the butt and they eachtake a drag] He stopped smoking again and then hestarted smoking again and now he smokes six packs aday.
Cookie Hulk: Well, they’re all letting themselves go.And, I mean, you know, who can blame them? I mean,since the Justice League of America wiped out all thesuper-villains, these guys have NOTHING to do!
Beverly: Tell me about it. Have you seen the GreenLantern? It’s unbelievable. He looks like OrsonWelles.
Cookie Hulk: [disgusted] Oh!
[Doorbell rings, Lois opens the door and Superman, inhis secret identity as mild-mannered reporter ClarkKent, enters.]
Clark Kent: Hi, Lois.
Lois Lane: Oh, hi, Clark. God, I didn’t know if youwere gonna make it. I’m so glad you came.
Clark Kent: I’m afraid I can’t stay too long, Lois. Igotta get back to the office. By the way, is Supermanhere?
Lois Lane: No, he flew out for some ice.
Clark Kent: Oh. So, Lois, I don’t get to see you toomuch more now that you’re married. Hey, must be greatbeing married to the Man of Steel, huh? Ha ha ha ha! Iguess he must be a terrific husband, huh? Ha ha!
Lois Lane: Clark … can I confide in you?
Clark Kent: Well, of course you can, Lois.
Lois Lane: Well, I – I feel like I can talk to you,Clark, because I’ve known you for a long time, andfrom your article you seem to have such a high opinionof Superman but …
Clark Kent: Uh huh?
Lois Lane: Clark. It’s about Superman. I mean, I can’ttell you how incredibly dull he is. I mean, he’s sokindhearted and all that but he’s so boring sometimesI think I’m gonna lose my mind.
Clark Kent: [devastated but tries to hide it] I – I -I’m surprised to hear that, Lois.
Lois Lane: It’s not his fault, he’s from Krypton. Imean, he’s so just so straight though. You know, whenwe got married he was a virgin?
Clark Kent: So, what’s so bad about that, both youbeing virgins?
Lois Lane: Oh, come on, Clark. I went out with theHulk for six months.
Clark Kent: [stunned] You and – you and the Hulk, huh?Ha ha. That’s funny. [laughs nervously] Ow. Does, uh,Superman know this?
Lois Lane: Well, I don’t know. It never really cameup. I – I don’t think it’d bother him.
Clark Kent: Yeah, I’m sure it wouldn’t matter to a guylike Superman. So, uh, does – does anyone else knowabout you and the Hulk?
Lois Lane: Well, sure. The Flash and Spider-Man and,uh, the Thing and, uh …
Clark Kent: [nods in disbelief] Thing.
Lois Lane: I told Perry White, yeah, and, uh, Clark, Itold– Clark, what’s the matter?
Clark Kent: [completely shaken] Uh …
Lois Lane: Jimmy Olsen, I told–
Clark Kent: Yeah. I gotta cab waiting outside. Uh, Igotta go, I’m afraid.
Lois Lane: Oh, I’m sorry I laid this on you. I justhad to get it off my chest.
Clark Kent: Oh, no, I – I love to listen, uh, thankyou. ‘Preciate it. Tell Superman I stopped by.
Lois Lane: Yeah, I’ll tell him. Good night.
[Clark exits. Lois shuts the door behind him, thenputs a hand to her mouth, looking worried. Meanwhile,at the closed bathroom door, the Flash is in themiddle of a conversation with Lana and Antman:]
The Flash: … You can’t get art like that. You haveto rent it or buy it outright. [knocks on bathroomdoor] Hey, Hulk! Hulk! Come on, you got a lot ofpeople standin’ out here in line. Come on!
The Hulk: [emerges from bathroom] All right, allright, take it easy!
[Lana, Antman and the Flash instantly react in horrorto the awful smell that emerges with the Hulk.]
The Flash: Whoa! Whoa!
The Hulk: [annoyed at the reaction] Come on!
Lana Lang: Did something die in there? [She ignitesher cigarette lighter and holds it to the door whichthe Flash shuts.]
The Hulk: Take it easy. It’s not supposed to smelllike roses. Come on.
The Flash: Light a blowtorch!
[Spider-Man and Spider-Woman stand on either side ofthe open balcony door.]
Spider-Woman: Up in the sky! It’s a bird!
Spider-Man: It’s a plane!
[Superman, still dressed as Clark Kent, lands on thebalcony and enters, carrying a bag of ice. Stillshaken by Lois’ revelation, he has forgotten to changeback into Superman.]
The Flash: It’s … It’s Clark Kent!
Spider-Woman: [pointing at Clark] Of course!
The Flash: Of course! Clark Kent is Superman!
Clark Kent: [realizes too late that he wears the wrongclothes] Awww … [quietly cursing himself for hisstupidity] Dumb sssss….
[The guests register stunned reactions, openmouthed,scratching their heads in disbelief, amazed that theyhad never figured this out before.]
The Flash: That’s it!
Clark Kent: [suddenly goes berserk] Okay, out! Getout! Everybody out! All right!
[Lois tries to placate Clark as the guests protest.]
The Hulk: What? Come on!
Clark Kent: [threatens the Hulk] Get out of here,Hulk!
The Hulk: [nervously moves away] All right, hey, hey!
Clark Kent: [angry, to the Flash] You knew all along,didn’t you, Fl–?! Get out of here!
The Flash: Naw! I’m your buddy, pal!
Clark Kent: Everybody out of here!
[The guests crowd toward the door and exit. Clarkdumps the ice in the punch bowl.]
Lois Lane: [tries to calm him] Clark! Clark!
[Clark turns and throws some ice at the Flash, thenstarts beating the Thing on his orange head as Beverlytries to intervene. A distraught Lois, hands to herface, watches from a safe distance as the guestsdepart.
[We pull back, off the spacious set, past cameras andboom microphones.]
[SUPER: “coming up next… Leprechaun Singles Bars”]
