SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Not For Transsexuals Only



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20




78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Not For Transsexuals Only

Joan Face … Jane Curtin
Lynn Hagstrom … Laraine Newman
Chris Randolph … Buck Henry

[GRAPHIC: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY – MUSIC: “BothSides Now”: “I’ve looked at life from both sides now /From give and take / And still somehow …” – Dissolve to talk show set and host Joan Face.]

Joan Face: Good evening and welcome to “Not ForTranssexuals Only” — I’m Joan Face. Our guests todayare both recent transsexuals. First, Chris Randolph,one of thousands of men who have opted for womanhood.[bespectacled guy in a wig, blouse and pantsuit withlegs crossed] And Mr. Lynn Hagstrom, one of the fewwomen ever to become a man. [mustachioed woman wearingnecktie, legs spread apart] Lynn, yours was anextremely unusual operation. Can you tell us aboutit?

Lynn Hagstrom: Uh, yeah, Joan. It wasn’t easy.I had to wait a year and a half until they found amale donor with the same color hair.

Joan Face: And, uh, for our donors’information, ah, that – that – uh – or for ourviewers’ information, that donor was, ah, Ms.Randolph. Lynn, what’s it like suddenly beingmale?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, it’s, uh, it’s quite anadjustment, I’d say. In my case, a bigadjustment.

Chris Randolph: Thank you.

Joan Face: Chris, do you feel that you gavemore to Lynn than – than he gave you?

Chris Randolph: Well, well, I did but I wasglad to give it to someone who wanted it and who wouldtake good care of it. I hate the idea of somethinglike that going to waste.

Lynn Hagstrom: Yeah, and I – I did take Chrisout for dinner.

Chris Randolph: In my case, a big dinner.[giggles girlishly]

Joan Face: Then we can conclude that you twosee each other socially.

Lynn Hagstrom: Oh, sure, but we’re just goodfriends.

Chris Randolph: We’ve decided not to getemotionally involved because when I’m around Lynn Ifeel sort of – detached.

Joan Face: Lynn, what was the first change thatyou noticed after the operation?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, you know I get paid morefor doing the same job?

Joan Face: Well, uh, have – have either of youhad any second thoughts about switchinggenders?

Chris Randolph: Not at all. I love this year’sclothes. The colors are so gutsy.

Joan Face: And how ’bout you, Lynn? Anyregrets?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, I think I miss gettingtaken out to dinner and having my cigarettes lit forme and – being slapped around a little.

Joan Face: Chris, what are your plans for thefuture?

Chris Randolph: Well, I guess I’m just anold-fashioned girl, Joan. I’m looking for Mr.Right.

Joan Face: And Lynn?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, Joan, I’d like to, uh,pork as many broads as possible and … then settledown with the one who really loves me.

Chris Randolph: Say, Joan, I’ve alwayswondered. Why are you the host of “Not ForTranssexuals Only”?

Joan Face: Well, I used to be Edd “Kookie”Byrnes. That’s it for this week. This is Joan Facesaying: join us again next week on “Not ForTranssexuals Only” when our guests will be CarolChanning and Wayne Newton.

[Applause. MUSIC: “Both Sides Now” – Joan shakesChris’ hand as we slowly zoom in on sign at back ofset that reads: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY. Dissolve tobumper photo of Buck Henry inprofile.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Olympia Cafe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20









78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George…..Dan Aykroyd
Nico Kardopita…..Bill Murray
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Sandy…..Laraine Newman
1st Cop…..Garrett Morris
2nd Cop…..Buck Henry
Mrs. Larrimore…..Jane Curtin

[On the front window of the Olympia Restaurant are thewords: CLOSED – TAKE OUT ONLY. There is evidence of arecent fire: soot and smoke damage on the walls, thecash register, etc. Greek music plays quietly in thebackground throughout the sketch. The phone rings andthe blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete, answers:]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Hello, OlympiaRestaurant. … [yells to George, the cook]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger![throws a patty on the grill]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] No, no fries. Chip!… [yells to Nico, the counterman who doesn’t reallyunderstand English] Chip! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] What to drink? … No,no Pepsi. Coke. We switch! … Okay. [yells to Nico]Coke! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Coke!

[Sandy the waitress, with no customers to wait on,sweeps the floor with a broom.]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Uh, ten minutes, allright? All right. [hangs up]

Female Customer: [enters cautiously through the frontdoor – the “CLOSED” sign faces the street and thewords “TAKE OUT ONLY” are scrawled on the taped-upglass] Hi, Pete.

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her by the door] Oh, we’reclosed today, honey. I’m sorry, we’re not open. Only”to go.”

Female Customer: Oh, I-I know. I just stopped by tosay I was sorry to hear about the fire.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Female Customer: How did it start?

Pete Dionasopolis: [looks uncomfortable] Ahhhh …Sparks, I think, uh…

Female Customer: Yeah.

Pete Dionasopolis: [shrugs] I don’t know.

Female Customer: Well, uh, do you have any insurance?

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, sure, I got insurance.

Female Customer: Oh, good.

Sandy: [pauses in her sweeping] Yes, it’s a good thingNico came home from the movies early, you know, thefireman, he say that, uh, if he come ten minuteslater, the whole place would have burned down.[continues sweeping as Pete and the customer move tothe counter]

Female Customer: Aww … Well, uh– [sees Nico’sbandaged arm] Oh! Is that how he burned his arm?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, he burned it while he– He was- he was hitting the alarm box, on the glass.

Nico: [mournfully] Yeah. [puts lids on some Cokes andbags them]

Female Customer: Well, um, when you fix the place up,ya gonna do anything different?

Pete Dionasopolis: [points] Sure, we gonna have a bigsalad bar over there, then we’re gonna knock down thewall for more tables.

Female Customer: Oh.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah, it’s gonna be real nice. Whatto go?

Female Customer: Oh, uh, I’ll just have the usual.

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to Nico] Coke! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: All right.

[Two police officers enter, Pete joins them at thedoor]

1st Cop: Well … we knew that a little thing like afire would not keep you guys closed.

2nd Cop: I think we’ll have two large Cokes to go.

1st Cop: Yeah, and some chips.

Pete Dionasopolis: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

2nd Cop: Yeah, it doesn’t smell much different inhere.

Female Customer: No. Smells like burnt rubber, doesn’tit?

2nd Cop: Yeah, it might even smell a little betterthan usual.

[Nico brings the cops their order and they head outthe door]

2nd Cop: See ya.

Pete Dionasopolis: [with a dismissive wave] Yeah,yeah, yeah.

Female Customer: Hey, uh, Pete, you forgot to taketheir money.

Pete Dionasopolis: Policemen don’t pay!

Female Customer: Why not?

Pete Dionasopolis: It’s bad luck!

Female Customer: What is it, some kind of Greeksuperstition?

Pete Dionasopolis: It’s an old superstition. If youdon’t give a policeman free food, they won’t come whenthey need you– when you need them.

Female Customer: Oh ho!

George: [hands customer her order] Cheeseburger.

Female Customer: By the way, could I have some ketchupwith this?

George: Sure. [gingerly picks up a charred plasticketchup bottle by the thumb and forefinger and handsit to her]

Female Customer: Well, that’s all right. [drops itwith disgust on counter]

Pete Dionasopolis: [rings cash register] All right,uh, two twenty-eight, honey.

Female Customer: All right.

[Mrs. Larrimore, a woman in a trenchcoat enters.]

Mrs. Larrimore: Uh, Mr. Dionasopolis?

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her at door] Maybe yes,maybe no.

Mrs. Larrimore: I’m Mrs. Larrimore. I’m the adjusterfrom Universal Insurance Company.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah! Please come in! [guides her toa stool at the counter] I – I am Pete Dionasopolis.You know, I’m sorry, but maybe I thought you were fromthe Health Board, you know?

Female Customer: Well, bye everybody! And, Pete, I’mlooking forward to seeing the new salad bar. [exits]

Pete Dionasopolis: [uncomfortable at mention of saladbar in the presence of the insurance adjuster who isbusy pulling out a folder with paperwork] Oh, heh hehheh. [to Mrs. Larrimore] Ah! You want something todrink? Coke?

Nico: [thinks an order has been made] Coke! [Petegives him a look, Nico fixes a Coke]

Mrs. Larrimore: No, thank you.

Pete Dionasopolis: All right. Look what happened to mybeautiful restaurant! Everything is gone!

Nico: [puts a Coke on counter for Mrs. Larrimore]Coke. [But nobody is paying attention]

Mrs. Larrimore: Is this the first time you’ve ever hada fire in your restaurant?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, uh, ’bout five years ago, I hadone when I was with another insurance company.

Mrs. Larrimore: And what was the cause of that fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [We get the sense throughout hisexchange with Mrs. Larrimore that Pete is not exactlybeing honest with her] Unknown, uh … They think itwas maybe sparks.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, I see. Now, would it be possiblefor you in the next few days to make a general list ofitems that were destroyed or damaged in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Sure! [has the list ready, reachesfor it on counter] Yes. Here it is. [hands list toMrs. Larrimore]

Mrs. Larrimore: [impressed] Oh! You’ve already doneit.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: [scans the list] Ahhh!

Pete Dionasopolis: Everything! All my plates, all mydishes, everything is ruined — everything!

Mrs. Larrimore: [reads the list] Five hundred dollarsworth of paper napkins destroyed in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was a two year supply, you know,we lost them all. Oh ho, gee, boy.

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred dollars for picture ofSpiro Agnew?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was autographed!

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, okay. Uh … I don’t see anypersonal items here. Did you lose anything like, uh,oh, umbrellas or golf clubs or anything like that?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes!

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh … golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: Golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Mrs. Larrimore: And, uh, what would you estimate thevalue of the golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uhhhh, it’s hard to say, uh …

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred?

Pete Dionasopolis: Four.

Mrs. Larrimore: Four hundred dollars? They must havebeen very good clubs.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: Did any of your, uh, your employeeslose any personal belongings?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes! Everybody! Everybody![gestures for the other employees to gather around,they join him]

Mrs. Larrimore: Everybody lost something in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Mm, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: You all lost golf clubs in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [nudges a reluctant Sandy to playalong, nods to Nico and George who nod backuncomprehendingly] Yes! Yes. Everybody. You see, weall golf together, you know, that’s why we have tokeep them here.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, what a shame.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes, well …

Mrs. Larrimore: Well, I’m going to have to have thenames and addresses of all your employees. [to Nico]Uh, why don’t you start? Your, uh, last name first.

Pete Dionasopolis: His name is Kardopita. Nico. [Sandyand George move off as Nico stands grinning andnodding] Uh, here, I’ll write it for you. [takes penfrom Mrs. Larrimore and writes name in her folder]

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, good. And his address.

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, he lives here. He lives in theback. He sleeps in the back.

Mrs. Larrimore: [points to floor] He lives HERE?

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures] Not HERE, he livesTHERE, by the sink.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh … [laughs, closes folder, puts itaway, shakes her head] I’m very sorry, Mr.Dionasopolis, but your policy clearly states that ifthe, uh, if the premises is used as a residence, thenyou have void your policy. I’m sorry.

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures to Nico] Okay, forgetabout his golf clubs! [gestures to Sandy] Sandy, yougo next! Come on!

Mrs. Larrimore: [rises] Ah, no, no, no, no. You don’tseem – you don’t seem to understand, Mr. Dionasopolis.By permitting your business establishment to be usedas a residence, you have violated your rights forcoverage. I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you,after all. [hands Pete a business card] If you haveany further questions, you can speak to an arbitrator.His number is on this card. I’m very sorry.

[Mrs. Larrimore exits. Sandy, broom in hand, watches afrustrated Pete as he sits on a counter stool andexhales deeply. He is still brooding as the two policeofficers return to scam more free food.]

2nd Cop: Well, we’re still hungry, so we thought we’ddrop in to say hello again.

1st Cop: [to 2nd Cop] Yeah, how many are you gonnahave, huh, Norm?

2nd Cop: I think I’ll have two.

1st Cop: Yeah, I think I’ll have, uh, two, too.

[Pete stares at them for a moment, then turns away.Realizing Pete is too upset to deal with the cops,Sandy yells out to George:]

Sandy: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: [throws patties on grill] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

2nd Cop: And, uh, give us some chips.

1st Cop: Yeah, an’ a couple o’ Cokes.

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

George: Pete, no insurance money, what – what we gonnado now?

Pete Dionasopolis: What else? We’re Greeks. We …DANCE!

[The Greek music grows louder as Pete rises, liftsarms in the air, throws business card away, and startsdancing as the others watch in amazement]

Pete Dionasopolis: DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE!

[Everyone, including the cops, raises their arms and,holding hands above their heads, the group dances in aline around the set. Dissolve to wider view of setshowing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: coming up next… Land Of The GiantTransistors. Fade.]

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SNL Transcripts