SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”

Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Pat Nixon…..Jane Curtin
Julie Eisenhower…..Gilda Radner
David Eisenhower…..Bill Murray
John Dean…..Buck Henry

[ open on broadcast of the “Blind Ambition” mini-series, President Richard Nixon in secret meeting with John Dean ]

John Dean in Movie: ..Uh, but there’s no denying the fact that the White House – Ehrlichman, Haldeman, Dean – are all involved in some of the early money decisions.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: How much money do you need?

John Dean in Movie: Well.. I would say these people are going to cost, uh.. a million dollars over the next, uh.. two years.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: We could get that.

John Dean in Movie: Uh-huh.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: You, on the money, if you need the money, I mean, uh.. you could get the money. Let’s say-

John Dean in Movie: Well, I think that we’re going to-

[ the broadcast goes black, as camera zooms out to reveal former President Richard Nixon hunched over the television flipping the off switch ]

Richard Nixon: Well, that was a piece of crap!

Julie Eisenhower: You know.. Daddy, I thought the guy playing you was really terrible!

Richard Nixon: [ sweating ] Yeah, uh.. Rip Torn.

David Eisenhower: He didn’t look anything like you.

Richard Nixon: Yeah, he was really stiff, too.

Pat Nixon: [ holding tight to a highball ] I think, in some ways, he was uncannily accurate.

Richard Nixon: [ angry ] Shut up! I noticed they didn’t spend a lot of time on your dynamic role in history!

Pat Nixon: Well, I didn’t commit any crimes.

Julie Eisenhower: Daddy? Did you really say those things?

Richard Nixon: Now, Princess, you know Daddy.. would I say those things..?

David Eisenhower: Well, actually, sir.. it said that all your conversations with Dean were taken from the taped transcripts..

Richard Nixon: Okay, bright eyes! It was from the transcripts! But it’s not how you say it- it’s not what you say, rather.. it’s how you say it, idiot! You see, I.. I called you “idiot”, but I meant it affectionately.

David Eisenhower: [ confused ] I’m not sure I understand..

Richard Nixon: Okay, look, look.. you just say something, and I’ll.. show you how the meaning changes, depending on how you say it.

David Eisenhower: Okay.. [ thinking ] “I wish.. I were.. a baseball player.”

Richard Nixon: Okay. “I wish I were a baseball player.” [ analyzing the statement ] Uh.. “I wish I were a baseball player?” You see, like I don’t really mean it.

David Eisenhower: But I wouldn’t say it that way..

Julie Eisenhower: Well, that is the point, David.

Pat Nixon: [ drunkenly ] Why don’t you try “I love you”?

Richard Nixon: Look, we made the point there! Have you got enough ice? Is your drink okay?! Just let me finish talking to my daughter and her husband, alright?! [ continuing ] Now,

Julie Eisenhower: Uh.. you were saying that they took those transcripts, and they twisted them around to make you look like a crook!

Richard Nixon: Uh, uh, ye-eah.. that’s right, Kitten. For example, the scene we just saw, that March 21st meeting with Dean in the Oval Office. The way they show it, it makes it seem like I authorized raising the hush money. But, of course, nothing could be further from the truth! Let me tell you how it really went down. You see-

Pat Nixon: [ standing ] Excuse me. I’m going upstairs to watch the rest of the show, and find out what really happened. [ exits upstairs with her highball in hand ]

Richard Nixon: She could have said she was going up to read a book! But no! [ yelling up the stairs ] THANKS!! Thanks for the sensitivity!! THANKS for the support!! THANKS A LOT!! [ returns to Julie and David ] Where was I, now?

David Eisenhower: Uh.. you were telling us how they twisted the meaning of what you said.

Richard Nixon: That’s right, uh.. uh, yeah, yeah.. [ chuckles ] You see.. my administration.. had the greatest sense of humor that this country has ever seen. You see.. most of the time, we were.. making “party” tapes. Me, and Haldeman, and Ehrlichman, and Dean could joke for weeks on end. We actually.. played to the microphone..

[ slow dissolve to a flashback scene of Nixon’s March 21st meeting with John Dean in the Oval Office ]

Richard Nixon V/O: ..We’d do anything to crack wach other up! And I remember, that day, Dean was on a roll, so I just followed his lead, and.. “played along” with the “joke”..

John Dean: [ standing over Nixon’s desk; a microphone is unseen underneath a small lamp on the desk ] ..Plus.. there’s a real problem.. in raising money.

[ Dean holds up handwritten sign: “Let’s Pretend There’s A Cover Up”; Nixon laughs, removes lampshade to reveal hidden microphone ]

John Dean: Uh.. Mitchell.. Mitchell has been working on raising some money.. feeling he’s got, you know.. he’s one of the ones with the most.. to lose

President Richard Nixon: [ covers microphone with hand, tries not to laugh ] Martha!

John Dean: ..but.. there is no denying the fact that the White House – Ehrlichman, Haldeman.. [ points to himself ] ..Dean – are all involved in some of the.. early.. money decisions.

President Richard Nixon: [ stands slightly to speak directly into the microphone ] How much money do they need?

John Dean: Well.. I would say these people are going to cost, uh.. uh.. [ looks to Nixon for help, who sticks both thumbs in the air to silently cue Dean to pick a high number ] ..a million dollars! Over the next.. two years.

[ Nixon and Dean pound on the desk to subdue their laughter ]

President Richard Nixon: We could get that.

John Dean: [ stifling laughter ] Uh-huh.

[ Nixon scribbles on a pad, then, laughing silently, holds it up to reveal the message: “Let’s Talk In Incomplete Sentences” ]

President Richard Nixon: Uh.. uh.. You, uh.. on the money.. if you, uh.. need the money, I mean, uh.. you could get the money. Let’s say, uh..

John Dean: Well, I think if we’re going to, uh..

President Richard Nixon: What I meant is, uh.. you could get, uh.. you could get a million dollars. And you could get it in cash.

[ Dean stick two pencils up his nose, resembling a walrus; Nixon practically falls out of his chair laughing at the sight ]

President Richard Nixon: I, uh.. I know where it could be gotten!

John Dean: Uh, huh! [ puts lampshade on his head and dances in a circle, to nixon’s amusement ]

President Richard Nixon: I mean it’s not easy.. but it could be done!

[ Dean drops his pants and continues to dance with lampshade on his head; Nixon falls to the floor laughing, as Dean pounds on the desk in a fit of laughter ] [ slow dissolve back to the Nixon household, present day ]

Richard Nixon: You see, David? Things aren’t always as they seem.

David Eisenhower: Well, I.. guess people just hear what they want to hear.

Julie Eisenhower: I’ll say. You know, Dad’s only crime was having too good a sense of humor.

Richard Nixon: You’re damn right, Kitten!

David Eisenhower: You know, Dad.. you should try to.. get those tapes released, and then everyone can hear how you were joking around.

Julie Eisenhower: Yeah! That’s a good idea!

Richard Nixon: Well, uh.. you know.. even audio tapes can be a little misleading. The expression on your face is really important, too!

Julie Eisenhower: Ohh.. it’s too bad you didn’t make any videotapes.

David Eisenhower: Yeah.

Richard Nixon: [ eyes shifting ] Yeah.. yeah.. too bad..

Julie Eisenhower: Well, uh.. we should go to bed.

David Eisenhower: Awww..

Richard Nixon: Uh, you’re right! That little granddaughter of mine’s gonna be waking you two kids up early tomorrow!

Julie Eisenhower: Good night, Dad.

Richard Nixon: Good night, Princess.

[ Julie exits to upstairs ]

David Eisenhower: Good night, Sir.

Richard Nixon: Good night, David.

David Eisenhower: Uh.. Dad? I.. guess I owe you an apology for.. what I said about the transcripts..

Richard Nixon: No, that’s okay, David.

David Eisenhower: Well, good night, sir.

Richard Nixon: Good night.

David Eisenhower: Pleasant dreams.

Richard Nixon: Mmm-hmm..

David Eisenhower: Pleasant dreams, sir.

Richard Nixon: Mmm-hmm..

David Eisenhower: Uh.. pleasant drea-

Richard Nixon: Yes, David! Thank you! Good night!

[ David exits to upstairs, as Nixon paces the room briefly before turning the TV back on. The Three Stooges are now, and Nixon watches cheerfully. ]

Richard Nixon: Ha ha! Shemp! Larry! Moe! Ha ha!

[ Dissolve to wider view of set showing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc. ] [ SUPER: “Coming up next: Czechoslavakian Towel Monograms” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Not For Transsexuals Only

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Not For Transsexuals Only

Joan Face … Jane Curtin
Lynn Hagstrom … Laraine Newman
Chris Randolph … Buck Henry

[GRAPHIC: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY – MUSIC: “BothSides Now”: “I’ve looked at life from both sides now /From give and take / And still somehow …” – Dissolve to talk show set and host Joan Face.]

Joan Face: Good evening and welcome to “Not ForTranssexuals Only” — I’m Joan Face. Our guests todayare both recent transsexuals. First, Chris Randolph,one of thousands of men who have opted for womanhood.[bespectacled guy in a wig, blouse and pantsuit withlegs crossed] And Mr. Lynn Hagstrom, one of the fewwomen ever to become a man. [mustachioed woman wearingnecktie, legs spread apart] Lynn, yours was anextremely unusual operation. Can you tell us aboutit?

Lynn Hagstrom: Uh, yeah, Joan. It wasn’t easy.I had to wait a year and a half until they found amale donor with the same color hair.

Joan Face: And, uh, for our donors’information, ah, that – that – uh – or for ourviewers’ information, that donor was, ah, Ms.Randolph. Lynn, what’s it like suddenly beingmale?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, it’s, uh, it’s quite anadjustment, I’d say. In my case, a bigadjustment.

Chris Randolph: Thank you.

Joan Face: Chris, do you feel that you gavemore to Lynn than – than he gave you?

Chris Randolph: Well, well, I did but I wasglad to give it to someone who wanted it and who wouldtake good care of it. I hate the idea of somethinglike that going to waste.

Lynn Hagstrom: Yeah, and I – I did take Chrisout for dinner.

Chris Randolph: In my case, a big dinner.[giggles girlishly]

Joan Face: Then we can conclude that you twosee each other socially.

Lynn Hagstrom: Oh, sure, but we’re just goodfriends.

Chris Randolph: We’ve decided not to getemotionally involved because when I’m around Lynn Ifeel sort of – detached.

Joan Face: Lynn, what was the first change thatyou noticed after the operation?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, you know I get paid morefor doing the same job?

Joan Face: Well, uh, have – have either of youhad any second thoughts about switchinggenders?

Chris Randolph: Not at all. I love this year’sclothes. The colors are so gutsy.

Joan Face: And how ’bout you, Lynn? Anyregrets?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, I think I miss gettingtaken out to dinner and having my cigarettes lit forme and – being slapped around a little.

Joan Face: Chris, what are your plans for thefuture?

Chris Randolph: Well, I guess I’m just anold-fashioned girl, Joan. I’m looking for Mr.Right.

Joan Face: And Lynn?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, Joan, I’d like to, uh,pork as many broads as possible and … then settledown with the one who really loves me.

Chris Randolph: Say, Joan, I’ve alwayswondered. Why are you the host of “Not ForTranssexuals Only”?

Joan Face: Well, I used to be Edd “Kookie”Byrnes. That’s it for this week. This is Joan Facesaying: join us again next week on “Not ForTranssexuals Only” when our guests will be CarolChanning and Wayne Newton.

[Applause. MUSIC: “Both Sides Now” – Joan shakesChris’ hand as we slowly zoom in on sign at back ofset that reads: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY. Dissolve tobumper photo of Buck Henry inprofile.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Olympia Cafe

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George…..Dan Aykroyd
Nico Kardopita…..Bill Murray
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Sandy…..Laraine Newman
1st Cop…..Garrett Morris
2nd Cop…..Buck Henry
Mrs. Larrimore…..Jane Curtin

[On the front window of the Olympia Restaurant are thewords: CLOSED – TAKE OUT ONLY. There is evidence of arecent fire: soot and smoke damage on the walls, thecash register, etc. Greek music plays quietly in thebackground throughout the sketch. The phone rings andthe blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete, answers:]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Hello, OlympiaRestaurant. … [yells to George, the cook]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger![throws a patty on the grill]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] No, no fries. Chip!… [yells to Nico, the counterman who doesn’t reallyunderstand English] Chip! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] What to drink? … No,no Pepsi. Coke. We switch! … Okay. [yells to Nico]Coke! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Coke!

[Sandy the waitress, with no customers to wait on,sweeps the floor with a broom.]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Uh, ten minutes, allright? All right. [hangs up]

Female Customer: [enters cautiously through the frontdoor – the “CLOSED” sign faces the street and thewords “TAKE OUT ONLY” are scrawled on the taped-upglass] Hi, Pete.

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her by the door] Oh, we’reclosed today, honey. I’m sorry, we’re not open. Only”to go.”

Female Customer: Oh, I-I know. I just stopped by tosay I was sorry to hear about the fire.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Female Customer: How did it start?

Pete Dionasopolis: [looks uncomfortable] Ahhhh …Sparks, I think, uh…

Female Customer: Yeah.

Pete Dionasopolis: [shrugs] I don’t know.

Female Customer: Well, uh, do you have any insurance?

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, sure, I got insurance.

Female Customer: Oh, good.

Sandy: [pauses in her sweeping] Yes, it’s a good thingNico came home from the movies early, you know, thefireman, he say that, uh, if he come ten minuteslater, the whole place would have burned down.[continues sweeping as Pete and the customer move tothe counter]

Female Customer: Aww … Well, uh– [sees Nico’sbandaged arm] Oh! Is that how he burned his arm?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, he burned it while he– He was- he was hitting the alarm box, on the glass.

Nico: [mournfully] Yeah. [puts lids on some Cokes andbags them]

Female Customer: Well, um, when you fix the place up,ya gonna do anything different?

Pete Dionasopolis: [points] Sure, we gonna have a bigsalad bar over there, then we’re gonna knock down thewall for more tables.

Female Customer: Oh.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah, it’s gonna be real nice. Whatto go?

Female Customer: Oh, uh, I’ll just have the usual.

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to Nico] Coke! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: All right.

[Two police officers enter, Pete joins them at thedoor]

1st Cop: Well … we knew that a little thing like afire would not keep you guys closed.

2nd Cop: I think we’ll have two large Cokes to go.

1st Cop: Yeah, and some chips.

Pete Dionasopolis: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

2nd Cop: Yeah, it doesn’t smell much different inhere.

Female Customer: No. Smells like burnt rubber, doesn’tit?

2nd Cop: Yeah, it might even smell a little betterthan usual.

[Nico brings the cops their order and they head outthe door]

2nd Cop: See ya.

Pete Dionasopolis: [with a dismissive wave] Yeah,yeah, yeah.

Female Customer: Hey, uh, Pete, you forgot to taketheir money.

Pete Dionasopolis: Policemen don’t pay!

Female Customer: Why not?

Pete Dionasopolis: It’s bad luck!

Female Customer: What is it, some kind of Greeksuperstition?

Pete Dionasopolis: It’s an old superstition. If youdon’t give a policeman free food, they won’t come whenthey need you– when you need them.

Female Customer: Oh ho!

George: [hands customer her order] Cheeseburger.

Female Customer: By the way, could I have some ketchupwith this?

George: Sure. [gingerly picks up a charred plasticketchup bottle by the thumb and forefinger and handsit to her]

Female Customer: Well, that’s all right. [drops itwith disgust on counter]

Pete Dionasopolis: [rings cash register] All right,uh, two twenty-eight, honey.

Female Customer: All right.

[Mrs. Larrimore, a woman in a trenchcoat enters.]

Mrs. Larrimore: Uh, Mr. Dionasopolis?

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her at door] Maybe yes,maybe no.

Mrs. Larrimore: I’m Mrs. Larrimore. I’m the adjusterfrom Universal Insurance Company.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah! Please come in! [guides her toa stool at the counter] I – I am Pete Dionasopolis.You know, I’m sorry, but maybe I thought you were fromthe Health Board, you know?

Female Customer: Well, bye everybody! And, Pete, I’mlooking forward to seeing the new salad bar. [exits]

Pete Dionasopolis: [uncomfortable at mention of saladbar in the presence of the insurance adjuster who isbusy pulling out a folder with paperwork] Oh, heh hehheh. [to Mrs. Larrimore] Ah! You want something todrink? Coke?

Nico: [thinks an order has been made] Coke! [Petegives him a look, Nico fixes a Coke]

Mrs. Larrimore: No, thank you.

Pete Dionasopolis: All right. Look what happened to mybeautiful restaurant! Everything is gone!

Nico: [puts a Coke on counter for Mrs. Larrimore]Coke. [But nobody is paying attention]

Mrs. Larrimore: Is this the first time you’ve ever hada fire in your restaurant?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, uh, ’bout five years ago, I hadone when I was with another insurance company.

Mrs. Larrimore: And what was the cause of that fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [We get the sense throughout hisexchange with Mrs. Larrimore that Pete is not exactlybeing honest with her] Unknown, uh … They think itwas maybe sparks.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, I see. Now, would it be possiblefor you in the next few days to make a general list ofitems that were destroyed or damaged in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Sure! [has the list ready, reachesfor it on counter] Yes. Here it is. [hands list toMrs. Larrimore]

Mrs. Larrimore: [impressed] Oh! You’ve already doneit.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: [scans the list] Ahhh!

Pete Dionasopolis: Everything! All my plates, all mydishes, everything is ruined — everything!

Mrs. Larrimore: [reads the list] Five hundred dollarsworth of paper napkins destroyed in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was a two year supply, you know,we lost them all. Oh ho, gee, boy.

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred dollars for picture ofSpiro Agnew?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was autographed!

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, okay. Uh … I don’t see anypersonal items here. Did you lose anything like, uh,oh, umbrellas or golf clubs or anything like that?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes!

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh … golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: Golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Mrs. Larrimore: And, uh, what would you estimate thevalue of the golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uhhhh, it’s hard to say, uh …

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred?

Pete Dionasopolis: Four.

Mrs. Larrimore: Four hundred dollars? They must havebeen very good clubs.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: Did any of your, uh, your employeeslose any personal belongings?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes! Everybody! Everybody![gestures for the other employees to gather around,they join him]

Mrs. Larrimore: Everybody lost something in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Mm, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: You all lost golf clubs in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [nudges a reluctant Sandy to playalong, nods to Nico and George who nod backuncomprehendingly] Yes! Yes. Everybody. You see, weall golf together, you know, that’s why we have tokeep them here.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, what a shame.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes, well …

Mrs. Larrimore: Well, I’m going to have to have thenames and addresses of all your employees. [to Nico]Uh, why don’t you start? Your, uh, last name first.

Pete Dionasopolis: His name is Kardopita. Nico. [Sandyand George move off as Nico stands grinning andnodding] Uh, here, I’ll write it for you. [takes penfrom Mrs. Larrimore and writes name in her folder]

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, good. And his address.

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, he lives here. He lives in theback. He sleeps in the back.

Mrs. Larrimore: [points to floor] He lives HERE?

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures] Not HERE, he livesTHERE, by the sink.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh … [laughs, closes folder, puts itaway, shakes her head] I’m very sorry, Mr.Dionasopolis, but your policy clearly states that ifthe, uh, if the premises is used as a residence, thenyou have void your policy. I’m sorry.

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures to Nico] Okay, forgetabout his golf clubs! [gestures to Sandy] Sandy, yougo next! Come on!

Mrs. Larrimore: [rises] Ah, no, no, no, no. You don’tseem – you don’t seem to understand, Mr. Dionasopolis.By permitting your business establishment to be usedas a residence, you have violated your rights forcoverage. I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you,after all. [hands Pete a business card] If you haveany further questions, you can speak to an arbitrator.His number is on this card. I’m very sorry.

[Mrs. Larrimore exits. Sandy, broom in hand, watches afrustrated Pete as he sits on a counter stool andexhales deeply. He is still brooding as the two policeofficers return to scam more free food.]

2nd Cop: Well, we’re still hungry, so we thought we’ddrop in to say hello again.

1st Cop: [to 2nd Cop] Yeah, how many are you gonnahave, huh, Norm?

2nd Cop: I think I’ll have two.

1st Cop: Yeah, I think I’ll have, uh, two, too.

[Pete stares at them for a moment, then turns away.Realizing Pete is too upset to deal with the cops,Sandy yells out to George:]

Sandy: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: [throws patties on grill] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

2nd Cop: And, uh, give us some chips.

1st Cop: Yeah, an’ a couple o’ Cokes.

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

George: Pete, no insurance money, what – what we gonnado now?

Pete Dionasopolis: What else? We’re Greeks. We …DANCE!

[The Greek music grows louder as Pete rises, liftsarms in the air, throws business card away, and startsdancing as the others watch in amazement]

Pete Dionasopolis: DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE!

[Everyone, including the cops, raises their arms and,holding hands above their heads, the group dances in aline around the set. Dissolve to wider view of setshowing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: coming up next… Land Of The GiantTransistors. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park

Ray…..Bill Murray

[ Ray enters on scene on rollerskates and carrying a fishing pole ]

Ray: Saaay! Do you like disco music? Do you like to roller skate? do you like to fish? You do?! Well, then you’ll want to bring the whole family out to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! A most exciting concept in weekend recreational entertainment amusement parks! Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park is just a short drive away, so you’ll save on gas! And once you get there, hold on to your hat ’cause here comes the fun!

[ dissolve to a group of adults and a small child on roller skates with their legs in the air, dancing ]

The disco music makes you want to get up and move! And on roller skates, it’s great exercise!

[ cut to group of adults and small child standing on a pier fishing while wearing roller skates ]

And when you fish at the same time, it’s so relaxing your cares just roll away in rhythm!

[ close-up of one hand holding roller skates, the other hand holding a fish ]

We rent you the skates and fishing poles; you just pack up the kids, and put a sign on the door that says: “Gone disco roller fishing!”

[ cut to large body of water on the Ray’s property ]

Where? At Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park! You’re sure to catch something, and you can eat it later!

[ cut to an interracial couple on roller skates, holding up the fish they caught ]

Every Saturday we have our roller dance fishing contest, with a fifty-dollar prize for the best roller skating couple who catches the biggest fish!

[ dissolve back to Ray ]

Hey, if you like Barry White and whitefish, disco groups and groupers, or a disco bass with bass, come on out! Once you get it, you’re gonna be hooked! [ chuckles ] But, sometimes, the music scares the fish!

[ Ray slips on his roller skates, falling to the pavement ]

Whoa-oa! And sometimes, you fall down!

[ something tugs on Ray’s fishing pole ]

Whoa-oa! Whoa, I think I’ve got a big one! I’d better get up!

[ Ray stands as he reels the fish in ]

Whoops! I mean, get down!

[ dissolve to title card with address:
“Garden State Parkway
Exit 19
Long Branch, New Jersey” ]

Announcer: Why don’t you get down to Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing Park, jsut south of New York at the New Jersey coast. All major credit cards accepted.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Samurai Bakery

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Samurai Bakery

Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry
Samurai…..John Belushi

[ open on Mr. Dantley entering bakery, baker at counter with back turned ]

Mr. Dantley: Afternoon! Could someone help me?

[ Baker turns around behind counter, revealing himself as the Samurai, complete with puffy baker’s hat atop his head ] [ dissolve up title card ]

Announcer: It’s time for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!

Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad you’re still open! You know, my brother is getting married tomorrow; I’m the best man, and like a dope, I forgot to order the wedding cake.

[ Samurai extends his sword angrily, pointing at the “Take A Number” ticket dispenser ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, okay. [ tears a number ticket and waits ] [ Samurai clicks machine to reveal Number 97, and repeatedly calls out the number in Japanese gibberish; when no one responds, Samurai clicks to Number 98 and calls out ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah! Now.. I need a wedding cake.. [ notices a beautiful graduation cake on the counter ] Oh, ooh-ooh – that cake would be perfect! Listen, can you just.. take the, take the graduate off the top, and.. and.. and put on a little bride and groom?

[ Samurai points to his watch as he speaks in Japanese gibberish ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah. What time were they supposed to pick it up?

[ Samurai points to the 6 on his watch to indicate six o’clock ]

Mr. Dantley: Ooh.. ooh, what a nice watch! That’s great looking! Swiss! I have a Seiko, myself. It’s one of those Japanese-

[ Samurai spits in disgust and pulls his eyes back into a squint; he makes a Swiss cuckoo sound and points to the superiority of his own watch ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah. Well, I know what you mean. [ points to his watch ] Look, look – it’s after six o’clock now. Why can’t I have that cake? It’s real important, honestly.. No, huh? [ pulls a large bill out of his wallet ] Well, uh.. I guess you wouldn’t be interested in, uh.. say a.. bribe of some kind, huh?

[ Samurai angrily expels his sword, slicing the graduate peg from the cake, and carefully replaces it with a bride and groom peg; Samurai then wipes the excess icing off his sword with a cloth ]

Mr. Dantley: That’s good! It’s going to make a young couple very, very happy! [ helps Samurai slide the cake across the counter, onto another flat surface ] I can’t believe that my brother is getting hitched after all these years. You know.. I introduced my brother to his fiancee.

[ curious, points from Mr. Dantley to the bride peg on the cake ]

Mr. Dantley: Mmm-hmm..

[ Samurai squeezes glaze from the tip of his sword, decorating the top of the cake ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh.. oh, that’s real nice! [ continuing his story ] As a matter of fact, I not only introduced him to his fiancee.. I used to go out with her myself.

[ intrigued, the Samurai motions his sword up and down in his case to congratulate Mr. Dantley on his former relationship with his brother’s fiancee ]

Mr. Dantley: [ laughing ] Well, that could be our little secret! By the way, what kind of cake is that under all that whipped cream? Is that chocolate?

Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-mmm.

Mr. Dantley: Devil’s food?

Samurai: [ shakes head ] Mmm-hmm.

Mr. Dantley: What?

[ Samurai motions his hands in a foppish manner ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, fruit cake! My favorite! Boy, it’s really a beauty. You.. you are a master baker!

Samurai: Hmm?? [ looks up, insulted at what he thought he heard, then relaxes ]

Mr. Dantley: How much do I owe you?

[ Saurai determines the price on his sword, giving the total to Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: Terrific. [ pays up ] Now, listen, here’s the problem. How am I gonna carry that cake home? Because I have to walk six blocks to get to my house.

[ not a problem for the Samurai, who who grabs the cake in one hand, and flat, unopened boxes wrapped with string in his other hand, then tosses them both into the air, extracting his sword from his holder and swinging at the cake and boxes as they crash to the floor; Samurai then reaches behind the counter and pulls up the cake, now individually boxed by layer and ties with string ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah! Thank you!

[ dissolve up title card ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of.. “Samurai Bakery”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Benjamin: 04/07/79: The Pepsi Syndrome

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 16

78p: Richard Benjamin / Rickie Lee Jones

The Pepsi Syndrome

Matt…..Bill Murray
Ross Denton…..Richard Benjamin
Two Mile Player #1…..Tom Davis
Two Mile Player #2…..Al Franken
Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Rosalyn Carter…..Laraine Newman
Violet…..Garret Morris
Dr. Edna Casey…..Jane Curtin
…..Rodney Dangerfield
Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner

[ opens on outside of nuclear power plant ] [ SUPER: “TWO MILE ISLAND NUCLEAR REACTOR” ] [ shows control room where Carl and Brian are working, a sign on the wall says “NO SOFT DRINKS IN CONTROL ROOM” ] [ SUPER: “DAY 1” ]

Brian: …the longest I’ve ever had to wait was about two hours. Two or three hours.

Carl: I’m gonna give up the game. You never get a court, you know, you gotta be a member sometimes.

Brian: Well, it’s the only place you can play around here.

[ Matt walks in with lunch ]

Matt: Okay, who’s got the turkey club?

Carl: That’s me.

Matt: All right-

Carl: With mayonnaise?

Matt: Yeah, some were here. Who’s got the vanilla shake?

Brian: That’s me.

Matt: All right. Now who else had a Coke beside me?

Carl: I had a coke.

Matt: All right.

[ Matt hands the Coke to Carl, but spills the soda on the control panel ] Gee, what the- [ sparks fly from the control panel, and alarms go off ]

Matt: Oh no! What’s going on here?! What’s going on here?!

Brian: Hey Matt, the water level’s dropping fast in the core.

Carl: The pressure’s rising in the core.

Matt: All right. Give me a napkin! [ hands Matt a tissue, as Matt tries to clean up spill ] No, that’s a Kleenex! Have you got a napkin sonewhere? Turn down that alarm, it’s driving me nuts! [ Carl turns down the alarm ]

Brian: Uh, how about the wax paper? [ explosion shakes control room ]

Carl: There’s been an explosion in main housing.

Brian: Listen, we’ve got to release the number three or that pump’s gonna blow.

Carl: If the pump blows that could mean a meltdown.

Brian: What is happening?

Matt: I’ll tell you what’s happenning. The Pepsi Syndrome.

[ shows title: “The Pepsi Syndrome” ]

Brian: Pepsi Syndrome? I’ve never heard of it.

Matt: Only a handful of people know what the Pepsi Syndrome means. Maybe soon, everyone will know it.

Carl: But, what is it?

Matt: Well, the Pepsi Syndrome. If someone spills a Pepsi on the control panel of a nuclear power reactor, the panel can short-circuit, and the whole core may melt down.

Brian: But, you spilled a Coke.

Matt: It doesn’t matter. Any cola does it.

Carl: Any cola? What about RC Cola?

Matt: Yeah, RC does it.

Brian: Canada Dry?

Matt: Sure.

Carl: 7-up?

Matt: It’s harmless. It’s an un-cola. [ smacks his hands to his forehead ] Oh, wow! I could have had a V8!

[ goes to press conference at the power plant’s main office ] [ SUPER: “DAY 2” ]

Ross Denton: Hello, hello, I’m Ross Denton, head of public relations for the Two Mile nuclear facility. First, I’d like to welcome all members off the press to Two Mile Island. I hope you enjoy your stay here and that you’ll come back again real soon. Now, there will be box lunches at air cooling tower #1 after the briefing, and later the buses will take you back to the motel for a special screening of the Jane Fonda film, “Barbarella”.

Male Reporter #1: What about the accident here at the plant?

Ross Denton: That what? Oh yes, yes, the accident. Uh, let me give you a little uh, technical, uh, background here. [ shows a diagram of a nuclear reactor pointing to nuclear energy, pointing to a toaster. ] This is a nuclear reactor. Now, the nuclear fuel here is used to generate energy here, which is sent to your homes to make toast.

Male Reporter #2: But what about the accident?

Ross Denton: I was getting to that. Sometime yesterday afternoon we experienced what we like to call a surprise. And, well, we had to release some radioactive steam.

Female Reporter #1: Well, how much radiation are we being exposed to right now?

Ross Denton: Well, I’m sure all of us here have been to the doctor and had our chest x-ray, haven’t we? Well, it’s just like that, only it’s as if the doctor had to give you the chest x-ray over, and over, and over again. Or, it’s like falling asleep under a sun lamp for a week or two! Or, it’s like drying your hair in a microwave oven! And to give you some idea of how little danger there actually is, President Carter will be here tomorrow. Now, gentlemen, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m sorry I have to cut this press conference short, but now I’d like to hand the stage over to the Two Mile players! They’re a pro-nuclear mime troope, and they’re going to perform a little skit for you, kids!

[ the Two Mile players enter and bow, as they perform their skit ]

Two Mile Player #1: [ pantomimes along ] “I’m energy! Everybody wants me!”

Two Mile Player #2: [ pantonmimes along as well ] “I’m a short-sighted consumer! I’m against nuclear energy! But I still want my stereo, and my electric guitar!”

Female Reporter #2: [ from off stage ] Question, I thought mimes weren’t supposed to talk!

Two Mile Player #1: What do you mean?

Two Mile Player #2: I told you we weren’t supposed to talk.

[ they continue arguing, as the scene goes back to the nuclear control room, where Matt is drinking a V8 while the alarm goes off ] [ SUPER: “DAY 3” ]

Matt: Would you turn that thing down? I can’t eat!

[ The phone rings, as Brian picks it up ]

Brian: Right, right. [ puts down phone ] Hey you guys, get that stuff away. The president is coming.

Matt: Quick! Hide the V8! [ Matt and Carl hide the V8 behind the panel, as Ross Denton enters with President Jimmy Carter and Rosalyn Carter. ]

Ross Denton: This is the, uh, main control room, Mr. President.

President Jimmy Carter: Of course, I’m familiar with nuclear facilities. You know, I’m a nuclear engineer.

Rosalyn Carter: And a damn good one.

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you, sweetheart. Now tell me what happened.

Ross Denton: Well Mr. President, this is Matt Crandall. He was cheif engineer when the “surprise” occurred.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, Matt. Give it to me straight.

Matt: [ nervous ] Well, the water level began dropping in the core, and the pressure neared critical in coolant pump #2, and a negative function in the control panel prevented us from preventing the, uh, minor explosion which occurred in the main housing.

President Jimmy Carter: Hmm. Sounds to me a lot like a Pepsi Syndrome. Were there any soft drinks in the control room?

Matt: Okay. You’ve got me. You’re too smart for me, Mr. President, sir. I spilled a large Coke to go on the control panel.

Ross Denton: Well, there you have it, Mr. President. Human error. No offense, Matt.

Rosalyn Carter: Well, I guess that’s it, Jimmy. We figured it out now. Let’s get out of here please.

President Jimmy Carter: Just a couple more minutes, sweetheart. I don’t get to do this everyday. Matt, right now, what is the level of radiation inside the containment vessel?

Matt: Well Mr. President, we don’t know. The large Coke knocked out all our monitoring systems, and no one’s been able to go inside of the room.

President Jimmy Carter: Well, I’d like to go in and check it out. I’ve never seen the core of a water cooler reactor.

Ross Denton: Uh, Mr. President, it may be dangerous in there.

Rosalyn Carter: Oh look, Jimmy, why don’t we just visit the Hershey factory?

President Jimmy Carter: Please, huh? I think I know how to handle myself around a nuclear facility. Besides, I’m protected. [ lifts his leg to reveal he’s wearing rubber boots ] I’ve got my little yellow boots on. I wanna go in and take a peek.

Ross Denton: All right. Matt, do you think it’s really safe in there?

Matt: You’re asking the wrong guy. I don’t know.

President Jimmy Carter: Don’t worry. I won’t be long.

Rosalyn Carter: Be careful, Jimmy. [ Jimmy Carter nods, then goes into the control room ]

Ross Denton: You’ve got quite a husband there, Mrs. Carter.

Rosalyn Carter: Yes I know.

Matt: You sure do, ma’am.

Ross Denton: You know, you could have brought Amy. I think she would’ve had a ball!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh well, Jimmy wanted to bring her, but well, she’s got school, and besides, what if one day, Amy wants to have children?

Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, well, maybe you can just bring Amy home a Two Mile Island T-shirt [ shows T-shirt that says, “I SURVIVED 2 MILE ISLAND” ]

Rosalyn Carter: That’s very nice. [ Jimmy Carter knocks on the nuclear core door ]

Matt: Wait a minute, do you hear something?

Ross Denton: Oh my God. It’s the president! [ they rush to open the door, Jimmy Carter comes out, glowing. ] Mr. President, [ nervous ] you’re glowing!

Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!

President Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch me. I’m a nuclear engineer, and I’m pretty worried right now. You’ve got six inches of radioactive water in that room. You’d better drain that.

Matt: Okay, we’ll take care of that right away.

Ross Denton: Mr. president, why don’t you come with me?

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah. I feel a little funny. [ goes off with Ross as Rosalyn follows them, worried ]

Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!

Matt: All right, don’t worry. You’ll be fine, Mr. Carter. Just stay inside and close the window, cover youself with some hot blankets, you know, and drink a beer or something.

Carl: I called maintainance.

Matt: Okay, you call the gate and tell them the president’s coming up. [ Brian calls the gate ] [ Matt wipes his face with a handkerchief, as Violet, the maintainance worker, comes in with a mop and bucket. ]

Violet: Uh, you asked for me, Mr. Crandall? I just finished with your office.

Matt: Oh yeah, Violet. There’s some water on the floor in there. Would you clean it up please?

Violet: Okay, but I’ve never been in there before.

Matt: I know. We usually don’t, but it’s a mess. But don’t bother waxing, okay?

Violet: Okay.

[ Violet goes into the nuclear core to mop up the water, as Matt looks on shamefully ] [ cut to research room where Rosalyn Carter is talking with Ross Denton and Dr. Edna Casey ] [ SUPER: “DAY 4” ]

Rosalyn Carter: Where is Jimmy? I have a right to see him!
Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, the president is recieving special treatment right now.

Rosalyn Carter: What kind of special treatment? Why can’t I see him?

Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, this is Dr. Edna Casey. Perhaps she can explain better than I what has happened to the president.

Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs. Carter, your husband was exposed to massive doses of radiation. Now this has affected the entire cell structure of his body and greatly accelerated the growth process.

Rosalyn Carter: Well, what does that mean?

Dr. Edna Casey: It means, Mrs. Carter, your husband, President Carter, has become [ camera zooms in on Dr. Edna Casey ] The amazing colossal president.

Rosalyn Carter: Well how big is he?

Dr. Edna Casey: Well Mrs. Carter, it’s difficult to comprehend just how big he is but to give you some idea, we’ve asked comedian Rodney Dangerfield to come along today to help explain it to you. Rodney?

[ Rodney Dangerfield enters ]

Rodney Dangerfield: How do you do, how are you?

Ross Denton: Rodney, can you please tell us, how big is the president?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s a big guy, I’ll tell you that, he’s a big guy. I tell you he’s so big, I saw him sitting in the George Washington bridge dangling his feet in the water! He’s a big guy!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh my God! Jimmy! Oh God!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s big, I’ll tell you that, boy. He’s so big that when two girls make love to him at the same time, they never meet each other! He’s a big guy, I’ll tell you!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh no! Oh Jimmy! My Jimmy!

Rodney Dangerfield: I don’t want to upset you lady, he’s big, you know what I mean? Why he could have an affair with the Lincoln Tunnel! I mean, he’s really high! He’s big, I’ll tell you! He’s a big guy!

Rosalyn Carter: No! No! No!

Ross Denton: Rodney, thank you very much. You can go.

Rodney Dangerfield: It’s my pleasure. He’s way up there, lady! you know what I mean? [ goes off, leaving Rosalyn Carter very upset ]

Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs Carter, perhaps this chart can give you a more precise measurement of his size. [ shows chart comparing sizes of animals ] Now the figure on the left represents Vice President Mondale. This is Tip O’Neill, Speaker of the house, Democrat, Massachussetts. This is an Indian elephant, this is a brontosaurus, and this, I’m afraid, [ pulls back flap to show that President Carter is about twice the size of a brontosaurus ] is President Carter. [ Rosalyn Carter bursts into tears, as Ross Denton lets her head rest on his shoulder ] [ goes back into press conference at the power plant’s main office, with Baba Wawa reporting. ]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo, this is Baba Wawa speaking to you wive fwom Two Miwe Iwand. I’m speaking to you wive fwom the Two Miwe Iwand Nucweaw Weactow site whewe wumows awe wunning wampant that the pwesident has been exthposed to wethaw wevews of wadiation. And he has gwown to an incwedibly widiculous pwopowtion. He’s weawwy, weawwy, wawge. Pwesentwy, Woss Denton, spokespewson fow the utiwity company which wuns the nucweaw weactow wiww enter this woom to wespond to the pwess. Watew tonight, at 10:30, 9:30 centwaw, ABC wiww pwesent a speciaw half houw wepowt, “How big is the President?” hosted by Fwank Weynolds and Wodney Dangewfiewd. [ Ross enters the room with Rosalyn Carter and Dr. Edna Casey ] I see Woss Denton is appwoaching the podium and seems weady to speak. Wet’s wisten in.

Ross Denton: Good afternoon, good afternoon, ladies and gentleman of the press. First, as to the president’s condition, let me say that the president is feeling certainly “stronger” than he’s ever felt. And he would like to be with us right here, in this room if he could. I think now I’ll just open the door to questions-

Female Reporter #1: Yes, is it true that the president is 100 feet tall?

Ross Denton: Nooooo! Absolutely not!

Male reporter #3: Is the president 90 feet tall?

Ross Denton: No comment. Yes?

Male Reporter #1: Yes. While the Constitution does not specifically exclude giants and behemoths from the presidency, is it not true that the Mr. Carter’s enourmous size really violates the spirit of-

Dr. Edna Casey: Look! There he is! It’s the president!

[ a gigantic Jimmy Carter is seen outside of the window ]

Everyone in room: Mr. President! Mr. President!

President Jimmy Carter: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m afraid that since the army clothing engineers have been unable to fit me with a giant loincloth, I’ll have to adress you through this window. First, let me say that this experience has not changed my committment to nuclear power, nor do I believe that my enourmous size will in any way limit my abilities to perfrom my duties in my office. However, this will mean some changes in my personal life. Rosalyn, I hate to spring this on you this way, but I’d like to introduce you all to my future wife and my next first lady. She was a widow, and, until recently, a maintainance worker here at Two Mile Island. Miss Violet Crawford.

[ Violet comes in looking through the window, having also become a giant from radiation, as Rosalyn Carter hits the wall in shock ]

Violet: Hi, everybody. As First Lady, I’d like to say I have nothing against nuclear power, honey. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

[ Jimmy and Violet kiss, as Rosalyn sinks to the floor, appalled, as the reporters leave ] [ fade out ]

submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Michael Palin: 05/12/79: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris
Margaret Thatcher…..Michael Palin
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Jane Curtin: Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman remarry. This story and more on “Weekedn Update”, next.

[ fade out, then in ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: President Carter expressed anger and shock after the House of Representatives rejected his standby gasoline rationing plan, and challenged the House to come up with its own plan. Well, Republican Minority Leader John Rhoades reportedly has developed a new plan, whereby only white people can get gas. Mulattos and Orientals would be allowed to fill their tanks halfway, but only with regular.

NASA, the National Aeronomics and Space Agency, says that Skylab, a 77-ton space laboratory, is losing its orbit and will hurtle toward Earth between now and September. 500 pieces of the vessel will survive re-entry, the largest weighing 5,000 pounds, with many more over 1,000 pounds. NASA doesn’t know where any of these lethal fireballs will crash to Earth, but it is hoped that most of them will land on NASA Headquarters in Houston.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Costumed laboratiory mice, chanting “Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna! Hare Rama! Hare Rama!” broke out of their cages at Duke University yesterday, commandered golf carts from a nearby course, and went for a 48-hour spree through downtown Durham, North Carolina, shattering store windows, screaming mouse insults, and shimmying unashamedly to a combination of disco music and punk rock. There were no arrests made.

Well, it looks like age has finally caught up with Chico Escuela. The 42-year-old former Met made the Mets’ Spring Training, but once the season began, it was a different story.

[ cut to footage of Chico performing poorly at Spring Training ]

As if his entire body betrayed him, Chico looks spastic and bewildered, both at bat and in the field. Ground balls that Chico would have easily gotten in his prime, eluded him and contributed to the Mets’ slow start this season. Although the crowds were always behind the former hero, he never ceased to disappoint them. As the spirit was willing, Chico’s arms, legs, eyes and reflexes were shot to hell.. and then, this.. [ baseball hits Chico in the crotch ] add insult to injury, a crushing blow off the bat of Dodger Steve Garvey. After being revived, a now sterile Chico Escuela informed the Mets that he was quitting baseball. Thus ends the inspiring saga of Chico Escuela. Chico will rejoin us here at the “Weekend Update” desk as soon as he catches his breath. Jane?

Jane Curtin: The New York State Health Department said that DES, a drug taken by pregnant mothers to prevent miscarriages, causes cancer in their children. As a public service, “Weekend Update” proclaims that any child whose mom has taken DES doesn’t have to buy her a Mother’s Day gift tomorrow.

Last week, Britain elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman Prime Minister in European history. Right now, “Weekend Update” is bouncing a live signal between our studios and #10 Downing Street, London, where Prime Minister Thatcher is waiting to talk to us. [ Thatcher appears on the screen behind Jane ] Mrs. Prime Minister, can you hear me?

Margaret Thatcher: Yes, yes, I can, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Well, first of all, our congratulations on becomingGreat Britain’s first woman Prime Minister.

Margaret Thatcher: Well, thank you, Jane. Throughout our history, Great Britain has been blessed by several great women leaders – Queen Elizabeth, Queen Victoria, Jeremy Faulk..

Jane Curtin: Mrs. Thatcher, during the campaign, you stopped wearing those outlandish hats you were known for. Now that you’ve been elected, do you plan to start wearing hats again?

Margaret Thatcher: [ laughing ] What are you talking about, Jane? This is a hat! Yes, it’s my lucky hat. I wore it all throughout the campaign.

Jane Curtin: I see.. Well, turning to more serious matters, Mrs. Prime Minister, are you going to reverse England’s Rhodesia policy and lift sanctions against the new government?

Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Yes, I am leaning that way, Jane. After all, there was an election – one person, one vote. Now, I ask you..

Jane Curtin: Uh, excuse me.. it wasn’t exactly “one person, onevote”. The whites were obviously..

Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Can I just finish? There is an internal settlement, there is a black Prime Minister elected in a Democratic election..

Jane Curtin:Uh.. not really Democratic. The internal settlement..

Margaret Thatcher: May I finish..?

Jane Curtin: The internal settlement guaranteed the whites adisproportionate number of seats in Parliament, enough to veto anymeaningful change in the next ten years! Whites will continue to control the Police, the Army, the Civil Service, housing.. perpetuating the system of oppresion that fuels the fire of revolution, and creates a breeding ground for Soviet expansionism!

Margaret Thatcher: Jane, you are an ignorant slut.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Prime Minster Thatcher, for joining us tonight.

Bill Murray: As Salt II approaches, rumors about Soviet Premier Brezhnev’s health have increased. It was revealed yesterday that Vienna was chosen for the talks because the ailing Soviet leader would only have to take an easy train ride. Here, in a party meeting, Brezhnev grabs a fellow member for support.

This week — May 10th, to be exact — marked the 80th birthday of one of our idols, Fred Astaire. He was born in 1899, which means he’s actually older than the 20th Century. And this one is for you, Fred, from all of us.

[ Bill and Jane put on top hats and take out a pair of dancing canes ]

Jane and Bill: [ singing ]“Birthday. Happy birthday.
Though your dancing shoes are showing wear and tear
You have reached the big 8-0, and you’re still there.
So I wish Happy Birthday, Fred Astaire.”

Jane Curtin: Astronomers are baffled over a new peculiar star that has been spotted in the sky. And here with a report, is our friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father?

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you. Thank you very much!

Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father, I noticed your not wearing your red stripes. Did something happen, you weren’t promoted to Monsignor?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it was.. it was just postponed a little bit, Jane. They said there was some problem with the paperwork, and I’d have to wait for the next group. I don’t know if they’re giving me a ring around bush, what’s going on, I’ll tell you. I think I’m-a gonna be promoted soon, because I came up with a great idea, and I think they’re gonna like it and promote me right away.

Jane Curtin: What was the idea?

Father Guido Sarducci: It’s called the Shrine-Mobile. The Shrine-Mobile. I was in-a this-a big-a meeting, you know? And there was all these cardinals, and the bishops, and they was all-a really down and depressed, you know.. because they just got this-a report back, and it said that the take in the shrines is off-a 55%. And-a the reason is because-a the price of gasoline is so expensive – it’s $2.50 a gallon. People just-a can’t afford to drive down to the shrines, you know? So I said to them, “Where’s that ol’ walk-on-water spirit?” You know, Procter & Gamble wouldn’t take it sitting down. You know, if the people can’t-a drive to the shrines, you drive-athe shrines to the people. You know, I figured you get in these old trucks, put the statues on the back, put some rocks around the statues, put some candles down by the feet, you know? You get the seminarians to drive – you can pay ’em peanuts. I figure if we could make like $100 a truck a month, you get 100 trucks, it’s nothing to sneeze-a your nose at, you know? So it’s gonna to be good for me.

[ gets to his commentary ]

Well, there’s this-a new planet that they spotted. It’s gonna be something, it’s got these-a astronomers baffled in the house. [ holds up photo of the galaxy ] This is it right-a here, I hope-a you can-a see it. They call it SS-433, and they found out it’s-a coming toward Earth at 30,000 miles a second. But.. it’s also going away from Earth at 30,000 miles a second. It seems-a to be coming and-a going. It just breaks all the laws of physics, they don’t know what to make of it. So I went to the-a Vatican library, looked up these old archives – you know we’ve been-a involved with astronomy and astrology for years and years , hundreds of years. And, I did-a find it, in-a this old book. The planet was called Vienne et Viennu Planet.. it means A-Coming and A-Going Planet.. and the book says that there is life there, and it’s-a very interesting. It says that everyone there lives to be 200 years old. But it’s not like they get to be real old.. what happens is, they get to 100, then they start going back again. It’s like, 70, 80, 90, 100.. then, 90, 80, 70, 60.. then you’re like a teenager again, then you know a kid again, and then you have to go back. I understand this-a little article says it’s even-a more tramautic than-a being born. And what’s interesting – people on this planet, just from looking at one another, they can’t tell who’s-a coming and who’s-a going. So, like, maybe two peple meet, they’re 20 years old, a fellow and a girl. They’re 20, and first you know, he’s 22 and she’s 18.. then, you know, he’s-a 25 and she’s-a 15.. and you know pretty soon you find yourselves in a lot of trouble, and then the first thing, you got a little baby on your hands, you know?

I read about this other planet, too, in the same book. [ holds out his fists ] It’s-a like, the sun is-a here and the Earth is-a here.. and on-a the other side-a of the sun, there’s this other planet we can’t see, you know, because the sun is-a blocking it from us.. but it’s-a just-a like-a the Earth in every single way, it’s like a mirror planet of Earth. There’s only one difference, and it’s that they eat-a corn on-a the cob-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates eating corn on the cob North-South instead of West-East ] That’s it! That’s the only difference. I’m not going there, you know, it’s-a too messy. I’m used to eating it-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates West-East eating structure ] I just don’t want-a change, habit like.

Well, it’s been-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple-a moments with you. Arreviderci, America!

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant Mother’s Day.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Milton Berle: 04/14/79

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 17

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

April 14th, 1979

Milton Berle

Ornette Coleman



Paul Shaffer

Brian Doyle-Murray
Texaco Star TheatreSummary: Because Mr. Television himself is hosting tonight, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and John Belushi re-create the opening for the Texaco Star Theater.



Milton Berle’s MonologueSummary: Although he wishes he had all night, Milton Berle performs five minutes’ worth of jokes and one-liners from his nightclub act.


The WidettesRecurring Characters: Betty Widette, Bob Widette, Jeff Widette, Tammy Widette.

Rock ConcertSummary: Don Kirshner (Paul Shaffer) and his daughter Karen (Gilda Radner) introduce effeminate disco band The Village Persons (Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi) as they perform “Bend Over, Chuck Berry”.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner.


Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) plays for the Mets. Rock critic Z Jones (Laraine Newman) ponders the derivative nature of Elvis Costello.

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela.


Launching Pad with Buddy Pine

On The SpotSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) interviews sleazy amusement park operator Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Joan Face, Irwin Mainway.


The Farber SistersSummary: Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) and her baby sister Sylvia (Laraine Newman) visit their father (Milton Berle) in the nursing home.

Recurring Characters: Bobbi Farber.

Milton Berle’s Japanese Writers

Ornette Coleman performs “Times Square”

Milton Berle sings “September Song”Transcript


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Maureen Stapleton: 05/19/79

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 19

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 19th, 1979

Maureen Stapleton

Linda Ronstadt

Phoebe Snow



Paul Shaffer

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy
Telepsychic RayRecurring Characters: Telepsychic Ray.



Maureen Stapleton’s Monologue

The Navy AdventureSummary: It’s more than a job – it’s a small handful of money each week.

Note: Repeat from 78o.

Houseguest Idi AminRecurring Characters: Idi Amin.

Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow perform “It’s In His Kiss”Also Performed:

Also Performed:

Roach Brothel

Mom’s BirthdayTranscript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

Nick at TransEasternRecurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Black PerspectiveRecurring Characters: Rosa Santangelo, Vesna Shegula.

Veterans Of Foreign HairdosRecurring Characters: Dolly Parton.

Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow perform “The Married Men”

Mary’s CandiesRecurring Characters: Floyd Hunger, Kevin, Ron, Jenny Rocker.


The Mr. Bill Show


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Milton Berle: 04/14/79: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 17

78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman


…..Milton Berle

Milton Berle: [ he claps his hands ] Good night, everyone! Thank you! Good night! Hey! Look at this one! [ he blows a kiss toward Bill Murray, though Bill appears uninterested ] [ as the camera pulls back, we can see the audience members surrounding Home Base have provided Berle his standing ovation ]

Announcer: This is Don Pardo, saying… “Good night!”

[ the camera pulls farther back, and we can see that all the audience members, including the balcony, are giving Berle a standing ovation ]

SNL Transcripts