SNL Transcripts: Maureen Stapleton: 05/19/79: Telepsychic Ray



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19



78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Telepsychic Ray

Telepsychic Ray … Dan Aykroyd
Caller #1 … Laraine Newman
Caller #2 … John Belushi
Caller #3 … Bill Murray
Caller #4 … Jane Curtin
Caller #5 … Garrett Morris

[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddlyaccented man — wearing a brown plaid jacket,ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses — sitshunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a signthat reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies infront of him as he addresses the camera.]

Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I’ll be takingyour calls today. Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3,and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life,money, love — I’ll predict for ya, okay? [answersphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how oldam I gonna live to?

Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?

Caller #1: Okay, yeah, thanks.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay, thank you. [hangs up, answersanother phone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #2: Yeah, uh, is this Telepsychic?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, yeah, go ahead, you’re on live,go ahead.

Caller #2: Um, I have no proof but I got a feelin’ mywife Lucille might be cheating on me. I was wonderingif you have any thoughts on this.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, I hate to be the one to tell youthis … but I’m getting an image which makes me thinkshe’s getting it on the side.

Caller #2: Oh, no. [savagely] Who is it?! I’ll killhim!

Telepsychic Ray: All I can tell you is a name — Dick.Okay?

Caller #2: Dick. Okay. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: All right. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #3: Is this Ray?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, this is Ray. You’re on, goahead.

Caller #3: Okay, about a year ago, I gave aconstruction company twelve thousand bucks downpayment to build my house …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: … and, uh, they put in a basement and Igave them another twelve thousand bucks.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: And they stopped construction lastSeptember and they won’t answer my phone calls now.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh huh.

Caller #3: Friend of mine tells me they’re goingbankrupt.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah. Okay. When’s your birthday?

Caller #3: May … May twenty-fifth.

Telepsychic Ray: Well, you have this problem ’causethis is a bad time for you to do business.

Caller #3: So, uh, am I gonna get my money back?

Telepsychic Ray: Definitely not. No. Okay?

Caller #3: All right. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: [hangs up, answers another phone]Hello, Telepsychic. Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah, my brother left home and disappeared’bout ten years ago and we haven’t heard from him andI was wondering if you knew where he is.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, yes. He was, uh, hit in the headwith a rock and, uh, eaten by large cats … and, uh,he was alone in Colorado, okay?

Caller #4: Okay, thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Telepsychic. You’re on, go ahead.

Caller #5: Yeah, like, man, you know, my favorite TVshow is “Saturday Night Live” …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #5: … you know? And I was wondering ifthey’re going to change the way they start the show.

Telepsychic Ray: No, no, it’s always gonna be “Livefrom New York, it’s Saturday night.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:



Bit Players:


May 26th, 1979

Buck Henry

Bette Midler

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Dave Wilson

Michael O’Donoghue

None
Mr. Bill Visits SNLSummary: Mr. Bill faces torment as an SNL audience member. Jane Curtin launches a tirade after Mr. Bill gets to say “Live From New York.”

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: The audience response to Buck Henry’s TV diatribe determines the screen size of SNL’s presentation.

Transcript

Ray’s Disco Roller Fishing ParkSummary: Fun-loving Ray (Bill Murray) provides the ability to do all three activities in one convenient location.

Transcript

Samurai BakerySummary: Mr. Dantley (Buck Henry) orders a wedding cake from Samurai Futaba (John Belushi), the master baker.

Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley.

Transcript

The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”Summary: After watching the TV movie “Blind Ambition”, former president Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) attempts to convince his family that the Watergate tapes were actually gag reels performed by him and his staff for amusement puposes only.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, John Dean, Pat Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower.

Transcript

Bette Midler performs “Married Men”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

Uncle RoySummary: Terri (Laraine Newman) and Tracy (Gilda Radner) tie naughty babysitter Uncle Roy (Buck Henry) to their bedposts.

Recurring Characters: Uncle Roy, Terri, Tracy, Betty, Arthur.

Transcript

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Tom Davis reacts negatively when Al Franken ruins their act by becoming a Hare Krishna.

Transcript

Olympia CafeRecurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.

Transcript

Bette Midler performs “Martha”

Clones Exist Now

Not For Transsexuals OnlyTranscript

Michael O’Donaghue’s Elvis Impression / GoodnightsSummary: Michael O’Donaghue demonstrates his impression of Elvis with needles jabbed into his eyes.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts