SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Mr. Bill Visits SNL

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Mr. Bill Visits SNL

…..Mr. Bill
…..Jane Curtin
…..Dave Wilson
…..John Belushi

[ open on “The Mr. Bill Show” title card ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Hey, kids! It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!

[ card lifts to reveal Mr. Bill and Spot standing on set; Mr. Bill holds a “Saturday Night Live” show ticket in his hand, while Spot holds one in his mouth ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! We’re gonna have fun today! Because we’re all gonna go see.. [ dramatic pause ] ..”Saturday Night Live“! Yay! So, kids, if you’re ready to go, let’s hop in-

[ Mr. Hands appears in the scene ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill – can I go, too?

Mr. Bill: Oh, but, Mr. Hands, I only have two tickets, and I’ve been waiting all year for them!

Mr. Hands: But, Mr. Bill – you know they don’t allow pets at the show. I’ll take Spot’s ticket..

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Leave Spot alone!

Mr. Hands: Come on, Spot.. let go..

[ Mr. Hands tugs at the ticket from Spot’s mouth, ultimately pulling it free along with Spot’s head ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: See you later, Spot! Make sure you watch the house while we’re gone.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh!! Ohhhh..

[ dissolve to 30 Rock exterior ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Well, here we are at NBC. And we’d better step on it, so we don’t get caught in the last-minute rush. Here.. you go first.

[ Mr. Hands places Mr. Bill at the foot of the revolving door ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no, wait! No, wait, no! Ohhhhhh!!!

[ Mr. Hands enters the revlving door, sending Mr. Bill flying headfirst into the NBC wall ] [ quick cut to Sluggo sitting in a seat in the studio audience, an empty seat to his left ]

Mr. Hands: Say, there’s only one seat left. Here. You take it.

[ Mr. Hands places Mr. Bill in the empty seat next to Sluggo ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, but.. but what’s everyone waiting for? Why isn’t the show starting?

Mr. Hands: Well, Mr. Bill, they’re waiting for the traditional opening line.

Mr. Bill: Oh, right! You mean.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiii..”

[ Mr. Hands sits on top of Mr. Bill, as the screen dissolves to SNL’s opening montage: photos of the Statue of Liberty, the New York City skyline, the slow zoom of the “Saturday Night Live” logo painted on the wall outside of 30 Rock, when suddenly.. ]

Jane Curtin V/O: Hold it! Wait a minute! Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it, okay! Just stop it, Davey!

[ quick cut to the control room, where Jane Curtin looms over director Dave Wilson in a fiery rage ]

Dave Wilson: Janie, we’re on the air, we’ve already started the show!

Jane Curtin: I don’t care! I don’t care! This is the last show of the fourth season! I’ve been here from the beginning, and not once have I said, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.” The first year, it was always Chevy; he’d do one of his falls, then he’d open the show – fine! Then he got fired, we all agreed we’d take turns! I figured if we’d stay on the air long enough, I’d eventually get to open the show. But now, to be passed over in favor of.. Gumby.. some meaningless piece of Play-Doh! It’s not fair!

Dave Wilson: Janie, what am I supposed to do? We’re on the air..

Jane Curtin: You hear me?! It’s just not fair, Davey! It’ not right!

[ John Belushi enters the control room ]

John Belushi: She’s right, Davey. She’s absolutely right! I’ve bene working on this show, I’ve been watching her work since Day One.. and she is a real pro! Jane’s a pro! She does her job, and she does it well! While the rest of us have gone on, and captured the hearts and minds of ?? public and the press.. Jane has gone on virtually unnoticed. I’m glad to see you asserting yourself, Jane; I admire you for that. I’m behind you 100%.

Jane Curtin: [ touched ] Well, thank you, John. That’s really nice!

John Belushi: That’s okay. [ turns to the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ Jane pounds on John, as the opening montage starts anew ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Michael O’Donoghue’s Elvis Impression / Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Michael O’Donoghue’s Elvis Impression / Goodnights

…..Buck Henry
…..Michael O’Donoghue

Buck Henry: Ladies and gentlemen, the spectacularimpressions of Mr. Michael O’Donoghue.

[Applause. Music. Bearded, bespectacled MichaelO’Donoghue — perhaps better known as “Mr. Mike” –strides onstage]

Michael O’Donoghue: Thank you very much. And, uh,thank you, Buck… You know, in the past, um, twentyor thirty years, we’ve seen a lot of rock and rollstars come and go. But there was one man, one man whostayed on top right from the very beginning and Iguess that’s why they called him … the King. And ofcourse I’m speaking about … Mr. Elvis Presley.[Applause] Yes! Yes! There was a man…! [O’Donoghuejoins applause. Applause stops] You know, when Elvisdied … I think a small piece of all of us died withhim. I know that’s how it was with me. I was homewatching television the other afternoon and I happenedto catch Spinout, a great Presley movie with anincredible cast — Nancy Sinatra, Bill Bixby.[TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Presley’s 1966 film Spinout doesnot feature Sinatra and Bixby — they appear inPresley’s 1968 film Speedway. An understandable erroron O’Donoghue’s part.] I was watching this movie and afunny thought occurred to me. I thought, what ifsomeone took steel needles, say, mm, fifteen, eighteeninches long and plunged them, plunged them into ElvisPresley’s … eyes. What would his reaction be? We canonly guess … but I think it might go something likethis…

[turns his back to the camera, pulls up shirtcollar over his neck, removes eyeglasses and pocketsthem, then spins quickly, his right hand clutched tohis eyes, screaming, shrieking at the top of hislungs. He staggers, collapses to the floor, tries toget up. Laughter and applause as O’Donoghue falls offstage and rolls into audience. ] [Buck Henry returns to shout something to the crowd as the band begins to play the closing theme. O’Donoghue continues screaming, struggling through the audience and bumping into startled audience members as the final credits roll and the cast, host Buck Henry, and musical guest Bette Midler gather at center stage and wave good night, Bill Murray hopping up and down and dancing along with the music, etc.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

The Nixons Watch “Blind Ambition”

Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Pat Nixon…..Jane Curtin
Julie Eisenhower…..Gilda Radner
David Eisenhower…..Bill Murray
John Dean…..Buck Henry

[ open on broadcast of the “Blind Ambition” mini-series, President Richard Nixon in secret meeting with John Dean ]

John Dean in Movie: ..Uh, but there’s no denying the fact that the White House – Ehrlichman, Haldeman, Dean – are all involved in some of the early money decisions.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: How much money do you need?

John Dean in Movie: Well.. I would say these people are going to cost, uh.. a million dollars over the next, uh.. two years.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: We could get that.

John Dean in Movie: Uh-huh.

President Richard Nixon in Movie: You, on the money, if you need the money, I mean, uh.. you could get the money. Let’s say-

John Dean in Movie: Well, I think that we’re going to-

[ the broadcast goes black, as camera zooms out to reveal former President Richard Nixon hunched over the television flipping the off switch ]

Richard Nixon: Well, that was a piece of crap!

Julie Eisenhower: You know.. Daddy, I thought the guy playing you was really terrible!

Richard Nixon: [ sweating ] Yeah, uh.. Rip Torn.

David Eisenhower: He didn’t look anything like you.

Richard Nixon: Yeah, he was really stiff, too.

Pat Nixon: [ holding tight to a highball ] I think, in some ways, he was uncannily accurate.

Richard Nixon: [ angry ] Shut up! I noticed they didn’t spend a lot of time on your dynamic role in history!

Pat Nixon: Well, I didn’t commit any crimes.

Julie Eisenhower: Daddy? Did you really say those things?

Richard Nixon: Now, Princess, you know Daddy.. would I say those things..?

David Eisenhower: Well, actually, sir.. it said that all your conversations with Dean were taken from the taped transcripts..

Richard Nixon: Okay, bright eyes! It was from the transcripts! But it’s not how you say it- it’s not what you say, rather.. it’s how you say it, idiot! You see, I.. I called you “idiot”, but I meant it affectionately.

David Eisenhower: [ confused ] I’m not sure I understand..

Richard Nixon: Okay, look, look.. you just say something, and I’ll.. show you how the meaning changes, depending on how you say it.

David Eisenhower: Okay.. [ thinking ] “I wish.. I were.. a baseball player.”

Richard Nixon: Okay. “I wish I were a baseball player.” [ analyzing the statement ] Uh.. “I wish I were a baseball player?” You see, like I don’t really mean it.

David Eisenhower: But I wouldn’t say it that way..

Julie Eisenhower: Well, that is the point, David.

Pat Nixon: [ drunkenly ] Why don’t you try “I love you”?

Richard Nixon: Look, we made the point there! Have you got enough ice? Is your drink okay?! Just let me finish talking to my daughter and her husband, alright?! [ continuing ] Now,

Julie Eisenhower: Uh.. you were saying that they took those transcripts, and they twisted them around to make you look like a crook!

Richard Nixon: Uh, uh, ye-eah.. that’s right, Kitten. For example, the scene we just saw, that March 21st meeting with Dean in the Oval Office. The way they show it, it makes it seem like I authorized raising the hush money. But, of course, nothing could be further from the truth! Let me tell you how it really went down. You see-

Pat Nixon: [ standing ] Excuse me. I’m going upstairs to watch the rest of the show, and find out what really happened. [ exits upstairs with her highball in hand ]

Richard Nixon: She could have said she was going up to read a book! But no! [ yelling up the stairs ] THANKS!! Thanks for the sensitivity!! THANKS for the support!! THANKS A LOT!! [ returns to Julie and David ] Where was I, now?

David Eisenhower: Uh.. you were telling us how they twisted the meaning of what you said.

Richard Nixon: That’s right, uh.. uh, yeah, yeah.. [ chuckles ] You see.. my administration.. had the greatest sense of humor that this country has ever seen. You see.. most of the time, we were.. making “party” tapes. Me, and Haldeman, and Ehrlichman, and Dean could joke for weeks on end. We actually.. played to the microphone..

[ slow dissolve to a flashback scene of Nixon’s March 21st meeting with John Dean in the Oval Office ]

Richard Nixon V/O: ..We’d do anything to crack wach other up! And I remember, that day, Dean was on a roll, so I just followed his lead, and.. “played along” with the “joke”..

John Dean: [ standing over Nixon’s desk; a microphone is unseen underneath a small lamp on the desk ] ..Plus.. there’s a real problem.. in raising money.

[ Dean holds up handwritten sign: “Let’s Pretend There’s A Cover Up”; Nixon laughs, removes lampshade to reveal hidden microphone ]

John Dean: Uh.. Mitchell.. Mitchell has been working on raising some money.. feeling he’s got, you know.. he’s one of the ones with the most.. to lose

President Richard Nixon: [ covers microphone with hand, tries not to laugh ] Martha!

John Dean: ..but.. there is no denying the fact that the White House – Ehrlichman, Haldeman.. [ points to himself ] ..Dean – are all involved in some of the.. early.. money decisions.

President Richard Nixon: [ stands slightly to speak directly into the microphone ] How much money do they need?

John Dean: Well.. I would say these people are going to cost, uh.. uh.. [ looks to Nixon for help, who sticks both thumbs in the air to silently cue Dean to pick a high number ] ..a million dollars! Over the next.. two years.

[ Nixon and Dean pound on the desk to subdue their laughter ]

President Richard Nixon: We could get that.

John Dean: [ stifling laughter ] Uh-huh.

[ Nixon scribbles on a pad, then, laughing silently, holds it up to reveal the message: “Let’s Talk In Incomplete Sentences” ]

President Richard Nixon: Uh.. uh.. You, uh.. on the money.. if you, uh.. need the money, I mean, uh.. you could get the money. Let’s say, uh..

John Dean: Well, I think if we’re going to, uh..

President Richard Nixon: What I meant is, uh.. you could get, uh.. you could get a million dollars. And you could get it in cash.

[ Dean stick two pencils up his nose, resembling a walrus; Nixon practically falls out of his chair laughing at the sight ]

President Richard Nixon: I, uh.. I know where it could be gotten!

John Dean: Uh, huh! [ puts lampshade on his head and dances in a circle, to nixon’s amusement ]

President Richard Nixon: I mean it’s not easy.. but it could be done!

[ Dean drops his pants and continues to dance with lampshade on his head; Nixon falls to the floor laughing, as Dean pounds on the desk in a fit of laughter ] [ slow dissolve back to the Nixon household, present day ]

Richard Nixon: You see, David? Things aren’t always as they seem.

David Eisenhower: Well, I.. guess people just hear what they want to hear.

Julie Eisenhower: I’ll say. You know, Dad’s only crime was having too good a sense of humor.

Richard Nixon: You’re damn right, Kitten!

David Eisenhower: You know, Dad.. you should try to.. get those tapes released, and then everyone can hear how you were joking around.

Julie Eisenhower: Yeah! That’s a good idea!

Richard Nixon: Well, uh.. you know.. even audio tapes can be a little misleading. The expression on your face is really important, too!

Julie Eisenhower: Ohh.. it’s too bad you didn’t make any videotapes.

David Eisenhower: Yeah.

Richard Nixon: [ eyes shifting ] Yeah.. yeah.. too bad..

Julie Eisenhower: Well, uh.. we should go to bed.

David Eisenhower: Awww..

Richard Nixon: Uh, you’re right! That little granddaughter of mine’s gonna be waking you two kids up early tomorrow!

Julie Eisenhower: Good night, Dad.

Richard Nixon: Good night, Princess.

[ Julie exits to upstairs ]

David Eisenhower: Good night, Sir.

Richard Nixon: Good night, David.

David Eisenhower: Uh.. Dad? I.. guess I owe you an apology for.. what I said about the transcripts..

Richard Nixon: No, that’s okay, David.

David Eisenhower: Well, good night, sir.

Richard Nixon: Good night.

David Eisenhower: Pleasant dreams.

Richard Nixon: Mmm-hmm..

David Eisenhower: Pleasant dreams, sir.

Richard Nixon: Mmm-hmm..

David Eisenhower: Uh.. pleasant drea-

Richard Nixon: Yes, David! Thank you! Good night!

[ David exits to upstairs, as Nixon paces the room briefly before turning the TV back on. The Three Stooges are now, and Nixon watches cheerfully. ]

Richard Nixon: Ha ha! Shemp! Larry! Moe! Ha ha!

[ Dissolve to wider view of set showing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc. ] [ SUPER: “Coming up next: Czechoslavakian Towel Monograms” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Not For Transsexuals Only

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Not For Transsexuals Only

Joan Face … Jane Curtin
Lynn Hagstrom … Laraine Newman
Chris Randolph … Buck Henry

[GRAPHIC: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY – MUSIC: “BothSides Now”: “I’ve looked at life from both sides now /From give and take / And still somehow …” – Dissolve to talk show set and host Joan Face.]

Joan Face: Good evening and welcome to “Not ForTranssexuals Only” — I’m Joan Face. Our guests todayare both recent transsexuals. First, Chris Randolph,one of thousands of men who have opted for womanhood.[bespectacled guy in a wig, blouse and pantsuit withlegs crossed] And Mr. Lynn Hagstrom, one of the fewwomen ever to become a man. [mustachioed woman wearingnecktie, legs spread apart] Lynn, yours was anextremely unusual operation. Can you tell us aboutit?

Lynn Hagstrom: Uh, yeah, Joan. It wasn’t easy.I had to wait a year and a half until they found amale donor with the same color hair.

Joan Face: And, uh, for our donors’information, ah, that – that – uh – or for ourviewers’ information, that donor was, ah, Ms.Randolph. Lynn, what’s it like suddenly beingmale?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, it’s, uh, it’s quite anadjustment, I’d say. In my case, a bigadjustment.

Chris Randolph: Thank you.

Joan Face: Chris, do you feel that you gavemore to Lynn than – than he gave you?

Chris Randolph: Well, well, I did but I wasglad to give it to someone who wanted it and who wouldtake good care of it. I hate the idea of somethinglike that going to waste.

Lynn Hagstrom: Yeah, and I – I did take Chrisout for dinner.

Chris Randolph: In my case, a big dinner.[giggles girlishly]

Joan Face: Then we can conclude that you twosee each other socially.

Lynn Hagstrom: Oh, sure, but we’re just goodfriends.

Chris Randolph: We’ve decided not to getemotionally involved because when I’m around Lynn Ifeel sort of – detached.

Joan Face: Lynn, what was the first change thatyou noticed after the operation?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, you know I get paid morefor doing the same job?

Joan Face: Well, uh, have – have either of youhad any second thoughts about switchinggenders?

Chris Randolph: Not at all. I love this year’sclothes. The colors are so gutsy.

Joan Face: And how ’bout you, Lynn? Anyregrets?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, I think I miss gettingtaken out to dinner and having my cigarettes lit forme and – being slapped around a little.

Joan Face: Chris, what are your plans for thefuture?

Chris Randolph: Well, I guess I’m just anold-fashioned girl, Joan. I’m looking for Mr.Right.

Joan Face: And Lynn?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, Joan, I’d like to, uh,pork as many broads as possible and … then settledown with the one who really loves me.

Chris Randolph: Say, Joan, I’ve alwayswondered. Why are you the host of “Not ForTranssexuals Only”?

Joan Face: Well, I used to be Edd “Kookie”Byrnes. That’s it for this week. This is Joan Facesaying: join us again next week on “Not ForTranssexuals Only” when our guests will be CarolChanning and Wayne Newton.

[Applause. MUSIC: “Both Sides Now” – Joan shakesChris’ hand as we slowly zoom in on sign at back ofset that reads: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY. Dissolve tobumper photo of Buck Henry inprofile.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/26/79: Olympia Cafe

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George…..Dan Aykroyd
Nico Kardopita…..Bill Murray
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Sandy…..Laraine Newman
1st Cop…..Garrett Morris
2nd Cop…..Buck Henry
Mrs. Larrimore…..Jane Curtin

[On the front window of the Olympia Restaurant are thewords: CLOSED – TAKE OUT ONLY. There is evidence of arecent fire: soot and smoke damage on the walls, thecash register, etc. Greek music plays quietly in thebackground throughout the sketch. The phone rings andthe blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete, answers:]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Hello, OlympiaRestaurant. … [yells to George, the cook]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger![throws a patty on the grill]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] No, no fries. Chip!… [yells to Nico, the counterman who doesn’t reallyunderstand English] Chip! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] What to drink? … No,no Pepsi. Coke. We switch! … Okay. [yells to Nico]Coke! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Coke!

[Sandy the waitress, with no customers to wait on,sweeps the floor with a broom.]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Uh, ten minutes, allright? All right. [hangs up]

Female Customer: [enters cautiously through the frontdoor – the “CLOSED” sign faces the street and thewords “TAKE OUT ONLY” are scrawled on the taped-upglass] Hi, Pete.

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her by the door] Oh, we’reclosed today, honey. I’m sorry, we’re not open. Only”to go.”

Female Customer: Oh, I-I know. I just stopped by tosay I was sorry to hear about the fire.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Female Customer: How did it start?

Pete Dionasopolis: [looks uncomfortable] Ahhhh …Sparks, I think, uh…

Female Customer: Yeah.

Pete Dionasopolis: [shrugs] I don’t know.

Female Customer: Well, uh, do you have any insurance?

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, sure, I got insurance.

Female Customer: Oh, good.

Sandy: [pauses in her sweeping] Yes, it’s a good thingNico came home from the movies early, you know, thefireman, he say that, uh, if he come ten minuteslater, the whole place would have burned down.[continues sweeping as Pete and the customer move tothe counter]

Female Customer: Aww … Well, uh– [sees Nico’sbandaged arm] Oh! Is that how he burned his arm?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, he burned it while he– He was- he was hitting the alarm box, on the glass.

Nico: [mournfully] Yeah. [puts lids on some Cokes andbags them]

Female Customer: Well, um, when you fix the place up,ya gonna do anything different?

Pete Dionasopolis: [points] Sure, we gonna have a bigsalad bar over there, then we’re gonna knock down thewall for more tables.

Female Customer: Oh.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah, it’s gonna be real nice. Whatto go?

Female Customer: Oh, uh, I’ll just have the usual.

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to Nico] Coke! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: All right.

[Two police officers enter, Pete joins them at thedoor]

1st Cop: Well … we knew that a little thing like afire would not keep you guys closed.

2nd Cop: I think we’ll have two large Cokes to go.

1st Cop: Yeah, and some chips.

Pete Dionasopolis: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

2nd Cop: Yeah, it doesn’t smell much different inhere.

Female Customer: No. Smells like burnt rubber, doesn’tit?

2nd Cop: Yeah, it might even smell a little betterthan usual.

[Nico brings the cops their order and they head outthe door]

2nd Cop: See ya.

Pete Dionasopolis: [with a dismissive wave] Yeah,yeah, yeah.

Female Customer: Hey, uh, Pete, you forgot to taketheir money.

Pete Dionasopolis: Policemen don’t pay!

Female Customer: Why not?

Pete Dionasopolis: It’s bad luck!

Female Customer: What is it, some kind of Greeksuperstition?

Pete Dionasopolis: It’s an old superstition. If youdon’t give a policeman free food, they won’t come whenthey need you– when you need them.

Female Customer: Oh ho!

George: [hands customer her order] Cheeseburger.

Female Customer: By the way, could I have some ketchupwith this?

George: Sure. [gingerly picks up a charred plasticketchup bottle by the thumb and forefinger and handsit to her]

Female Customer: Well, that’s all right. [drops itwith disgust on counter]

Pete Dionasopolis: [rings cash register] All right,uh, two twenty-eight, honey.

Female Customer: All right.

[Mrs. Larrimore, a woman in a trenchcoat enters.]

Mrs. Larrimore: Uh, Mr. Dionasopolis?

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her at door] Maybe yes,maybe no.

Mrs. Larrimore: I’m Mrs. Larrimore. I’m the adjusterfrom Universal Insurance Company.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah! Please come in! [guides her toa stool at the counter] I – I am Pete Dionasopolis.You know, I’m sorry, but maybe I thought you were fromthe Health Board, you know?

Female Customer: Well, bye everybody! And, Pete, I’mlooking forward to seeing the new salad bar. [exits]

Pete Dionasopolis: [uncomfortable at mention of saladbar in the presence of the insurance adjuster who isbusy pulling out a folder with paperwork] Oh, heh hehheh. [to Mrs. Larrimore] Ah! You want something todrink? Coke?

Nico: [thinks an order has been made] Coke! [Petegives him a look, Nico fixes a Coke]

Mrs. Larrimore: No, thank you.

Pete Dionasopolis: All right. Look what happened to mybeautiful restaurant! Everything is gone!

Nico: [puts a Coke on counter for Mrs. Larrimore]Coke. [But nobody is paying attention]

Mrs. Larrimore: Is this the first time you’ve ever hada fire in your restaurant?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, uh, ’bout five years ago, I hadone when I was with another insurance company.

Mrs. Larrimore: And what was the cause of that fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [We get the sense throughout hisexchange with Mrs. Larrimore that Pete is not exactlybeing honest with her] Unknown, uh … They think itwas maybe sparks.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, I see. Now, would it be possiblefor you in the next few days to make a general list ofitems that were destroyed or damaged in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Sure! [has the list ready, reachesfor it on counter] Yes. Here it is. [hands list toMrs. Larrimore]

Mrs. Larrimore: [impressed] Oh! You’ve already doneit.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: [scans the list] Ahhh!

Pete Dionasopolis: Everything! All my plates, all mydishes, everything is ruined — everything!

Mrs. Larrimore: [reads the list] Five hundred dollarsworth of paper napkins destroyed in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was a two year supply, you know,we lost them all. Oh ho, gee, boy.

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred dollars for picture ofSpiro Agnew?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was autographed!

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, okay. Uh … I don’t see anypersonal items here. Did you lose anything like, uh,oh, umbrellas or golf clubs or anything like that?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes!

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh … golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: Golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Mrs. Larrimore: And, uh, what would you estimate thevalue of the golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uhhhh, it’s hard to say, uh …

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred?

Pete Dionasopolis: Four.

Mrs. Larrimore: Four hundred dollars? They must havebeen very good clubs.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: Did any of your, uh, your employeeslose any personal belongings?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes! Everybody! Everybody![gestures for the other employees to gather around,they join him]

Mrs. Larrimore: Everybody lost something in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Mm, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: You all lost golf clubs in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [nudges a reluctant Sandy to playalong, nods to Nico and George who nod backuncomprehendingly] Yes! Yes. Everybody. You see, weall golf together, you know, that’s why we have tokeep them here.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, what a shame.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes, well …

Mrs. Larrimore: Well, I’m going to have to have thenames and addresses of all your employees. [to Nico]Uh, why don’t you start? Your, uh, last name first.

Pete Dionasopolis: His name is Kardopita. Nico. [Sandyand George move off as Nico stands grinning andnodding] Uh, here, I’ll write it for you. [takes penfrom Mrs. Larrimore and writes name in her folder]

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, good. And his address.

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, he lives here. He lives in theback. He sleeps in the back.

Mrs. Larrimore: [points to floor] He lives HERE?

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures] Not HERE, he livesTHERE, by the sink.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh … [laughs, closes folder, puts itaway, shakes her head] I’m very sorry, Mr.Dionasopolis, but your policy clearly states that ifthe, uh, if the premises is used as a residence, thenyou have void your policy. I’m sorry.

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures to Nico] Okay, forgetabout his golf clubs! [gestures to Sandy] Sandy, yougo next! Come on!

Mrs. Larrimore: [rises] Ah, no, no, no, no. You don’tseem – you don’t seem to understand, Mr. Dionasopolis.By permitting your business establishment to be usedas a residence, you have violated your rights forcoverage. I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you,after all. [hands Pete a business card] If you haveany further questions, you can speak to an arbitrator.His number is on this card. I’m very sorry.

[Mrs. Larrimore exits. Sandy, broom in hand, watches afrustrated Pete as he sits on a counter stool andexhales deeply. He is still brooding as the two policeofficers return to scam more free food.]

2nd Cop: Well, we’re still hungry, so we thought we’ddrop in to say hello again.

1st Cop: [to 2nd Cop] Yeah, how many are you gonnahave, huh, Norm?

2nd Cop: I think I’ll have two.

1st Cop: Yeah, I think I’ll have, uh, two, too.

[Pete stares at them for a moment, then turns away.Realizing Pete is too upset to deal with the cops,Sandy yells out to George:]

Sandy: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: [throws patties on grill] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

2nd Cop: And, uh, give us some chips.

1st Cop: Yeah, an’ a couple o’ Cokes.

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

George: Pete, no insurance money, what – what we gonnado now?

Pete Dionasopolis: What else? We’re Greeks. We …DANCE!

[The Greek music grows louder as Pete rises, liftsarms in the air, throws business card away, and startsdancing as the others watch in amazement]

Pete Dionasopolis: DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE!

[Everyone, including the cops, raises their arms and,holding hands above their heads, the group dances in aline around the set. Dissolve to wider view of setshowing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: coming up next… Land Of The GiantTransistors. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Margot Kidder: 03/17/79: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Proud and excited over successfully putting Egypt and Israel back together, Jimmy Carter said today, “It was only the beginning.”, and then flew off to New York to try to put NBC’s program schedule back together.

Former president and Mrs. Richard Nixon came to New York this week to visit daughter Tricia, who had just given birth to Nixon’s first grandson, Christopher Nixon Cox. Nixon had some doubts about the child’s future, having heard that being a national disgrace can often skip a generation.

Jane Curtin: [ takes a watch out of her pocket and hands it to Bill ] You left this at my place. The Chieftans found it. [ laughs ] [ Bill puts the watch in his pocket ]

Tragedy in the world of horse racing this week, when a three year old filly named Small Sist, running on a sloppy track at Aqueduct stumbled on a turn, hit the inside rail, and burst into flames. The horse raged out of control for forty minutes, but fortunately, no other horses were involved.

The Primate Steering Comittee of the combined National Institutes of Health reports that there is a severe shortage or rhesus monkeys for scientific research due to a contract dispute between Bangladesh and its U. S. marketer. The monkeys are sorely needed to test polio vaccines and contraceptives, and other projects vital to us all, so if you are a rhesus monkey watching me now, and you would like to donate your body to science, please hop in a box and have yourself mailed to (adress appears on the Weekend Update screen) Rhesus Roundup, San Simian, California. It’s a great way to be remembered, and of course, you’re tax deductable.

Jane Curtin: Millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s day today, and here with a comment is our good friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?

Father Guido Sarducci: [ smoking cigarette ] Thank-a you, thank-a you. Most-a people are very aware that-a Saint Patrick is-a the patron Saint of-a Ireland. He lived around-a the year 400, 500, right in-a there. Most people-a know him because-a they think that he chased-a the snakes from-a Ireland. But actually, that’s not-a the truth. Really, he didn’t-a chase them, he kind of-a led them. He was-a kind like a pied piper for snakes. I don’t know, it was-a just something about him that snakes liked-a to follow him around, you know. And-a you may think-a that snakes go very fast and they do if they’re just going short distances. But, like-a, when they’re on a long journey, they go very, very slowly. And-a Saint Patrick, he had-a to walk-a very, very slow, and all of the snakes followed him, and then he tricked them. He went into the ocean, and they all followed him, and he went way, way out, and he waited till they all drowned, and then heswam back in. That’s-a what he did.

You see, he was a good-a saint. But he wasn’t a great-a saint. Like-a Saint Joseph, the patron saint of Italy. He’s a great-a saint and not just a good-a saint. You know, Saint Joseph’s named day is-a coming up-March 19th, only two days away. But-a, there won’t-a be no parades, no parties, not even a song for Saint-a Joseph. And-a the reason is-a because of-a Saint Patrick. You know, it’s just like having a birthday two days after Christmas-you just don’t get-a the same attention, you know. And it just-a breaks my heart that he was a great-a saint, and this good, mediocre saint gets all-a the glory.

You know, you don’t have-a a patron saint for the United States, but there are some American saints. Just the last couple of years they made-a some. The first was-a about-a two years ago. Her name was-a Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton. Mother Seton-is-a what they call her. And she’s got-a these nuns of her own order who lobby-they’re real heavy-they came to Rome and everything. And it’s amazing, you see. To be made a saint in-a the catholic church, you have to have-a four miracles. That’s-a the rules, you know. It’s-a always been that-a. Four miracles, and-a to prove it. Well, this-a Mother Seton-now they could only prove-a three miracles. But the Pope-he just waved the fourth one. He just waved it! And do you know why? It’s-a because she was American. It’s all-a politics. We got-a some Italian-a people, they got-a forty, fifty, sixty miracles to their name. They can’t-a get in just cause they say there’s already too many Italian saints, and this woman comes along with-a three lousy miracles. I understand that-a two of them was-a card tricks. Next thing you know, they’re gonna be making Kreskin a saint. Saint Kreskin-they’ll probably call him. It’s a good one.

Well, I’m-a very happy to announce that-a next time you see me, I’m-a gonna be monsegnior. That’s right. I was-a promoted. (audience applauds) Thank-a you, yes, thank-a you. Actually it’s not until next week that-a they sign-a the papers, but nothing can-a stop me now, and I’m-a real excited getting the new costume, everything, you know. When you’re monsegnior, you get to have a nice-a red stripe, (points to his right sleeve) and they say that-a nothing brings out the good veal in Italian restaurants than that-a red stripe, you know. I’m-a really looking forward to it. I just wish I was-a feeling better. Last night I got-a this-a tattoo (scratches left sleeve) and it’s-a really been itching me. I have a little fever, and-a I hope I feel better by the ceremonies.

Well, it was-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple of moments with you. Bill, you can-a take it-a back-a please.

Bill Murray: Thank you, Father Guido Sarducci.

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank-a you!

Bill Murray: [ a bust of Albert Einstein is on Bill Murray’s desk ] This past Wednesday, March 14th, marked the 100th birthday of my main genius, man, Dr. Albert Einstein. And I’d like to honor him in my own way. [ starts singing ]

“Happy birthday to yoooou…” [ nudges bust ]
“Happy birthday to yoooou…” [ shakes bust by the hair ]“Happy birthday, Mister Relativity” [ pinches nose ]“Happy birthday to yoooou…”

[ kisses bust ] Get outta here, Albie! [ knocks over bust ] Jane?

Serving time in San Francisco for her attempt on the life of Gerald Ford, Lynette Squeaky-Fromme was charged this week for attacking a fellow prisoner with a hammer. Asked why she possessed such a weapon, authorities said that Squeaky works in the prison garden where her job is to assassinate weeds.

Independence, Missouri high school students held a mock trial this week and found late president Harry Truman not guilty of war crimes and dropping the atomic bomb on Japan. In a related story from Japan, Hiroshima high school students also held a trial, also found Truman not guilty, and just for fun, fired off a nuclear missile that completely wiped out Independence, Missouri.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m station manager Dan Akroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight’s Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not neccessarily mean a lack of a total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man’s career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there’s an old saying: “Behind every successful man there’s a woman.” A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn’t know about that, Dan, because there’s no old saying about what’s behind a miserable failure. [ gives a look of arrogance ]

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let’s all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin’s last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you’re on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate’s at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Michael Palin: 05/12/79: Fred Silverman

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Fred Silverman

Fred Silverman…..John Belushi

Fred Silverman: Ladies and gentlemen, in the past few weeks you may have been reading and hearing reports that talk about bad times at NBC. They say that Fred Silverman has been President for one year, instead of making things better, he’s actually made them worse. Ladies and gentlemen, this is partially not true. It’s not one year – I’ve only been President for 11 months. And when I took over NBC 11 short months ago, I didn’t promise any miracles. I knew that I was taking on a challenge that was just about impossible to wing. I was given absolutely nothing to work with. I inherited shows that even I considered stupid and inane! I said to myself, if I only I had a “Mork & Mindy”, if only I had a “New Newlywed Game”! But when I came to this network, I didn’t even have a “Hello, Larry!” But now, I do.

[ show picture of McLean Stevenson ]

And how about Gary Cloleman, huh? Where did he come from? Whose idea was this Gary Coleman? [ Gary Coleman picture appears ] It was mine, that’s who! And who was it who talked Johnny Carson out of quitting? [ show picture of Johnny Carson ] It was me, that’s who! And who was it who talked Tom Snyder out of quitting? [ show picture of Tom Snyder ] It was me, that’s who! Why doesn’t the press ever mention any of our successes? Why don’t they mention that I’m developing a new line-up in the Fall, with exciting performers like Bob Hope and Robert Blake? You know, they only keep repeating that joke, that if someone brought me Hamlet, that I’d put a dog in it. I wouldn’t put a dog in it. I might put Gary Coleman in it, though..

[ show picture of Gary Coleman again ]

He’s brilliant, he can do anything! I’ve gotten to know this young man over the past 11 months, and I have found that, besides liking the same foods, we also share similar tastes in programming. In fact, we are of exactly the same mind on almost everything! I only wish I would have listened to him about “Supertrain”. Unlike a lot of people around here, he’s not afraid to voice his opinion. He’s a person who’s not afraid to say “I like it”, or “I don’t like it”, you know? His decisiveness has inspired me to have more faith in my own personal taste in opinions. And so, today, I am naming Gary Coleman as my new Chief Assistant, with the title of Executive Vice-President of NBC! Gary Coleman! Some say that Gary is too young to be a network executive; but some say no, 11 is old enough. Personally, I think age is not important. It’s wisdom that counts, and guts. That’s why Gary and I have decided to take a bold programming gamble, and move most of our Saturday morning programs to prime-time in the Fall!

But now.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Benjamin: 04/07/79

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 16

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

April 7th, 1979

Richard Benjamin

Rickie Lee Jones


Marvin Goldhar

Rodney Dangerfield

Nelson Briles

Steve Henderson

Ed Kranepool

Brian Doyle-Murray

Jim Downey

Anne Beatts

Rosie Shuster

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Personnel Substitution


Richard Benjamin’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 79o

The Pepsi SyndromeSummary: In an elaborate spoof of “The China Syndrome”, President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) suffers radiation poisoning after a Pepsi Cola is spilled on a nuclear console.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Rosalyn Carter, Barbara Walters.


The Nerds in LoveSummary: Todd (Bill Murray) borrows his older brother Milt’s (Richard Benjamin) bachelor pad so he can try some moves on Lisa (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Enid Loopner.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Chuck E’s In Love”Also Performed: 81o, 89b.

A Bird For All Seasons

Scottish Restaurant

Little Chocolate DonutsSummary: John Belushi promotes the sugary breakfast treat that has brought him success on the ahletic field.

Note: Repeat from 77f.

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Coolsville”


SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Michael Palin: 05/12/79: Tom Snyder’s Mother

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Tom Snyder’s Mother

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Ma Snyder…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Tom Snyder seated at cozy restaurant table with his mother ]

Tom Snyder: Mom, I would just like to say that this is sort of a double occasion tonight. ‘Cause I’m taking you out for Mother’s Day, and we’re also celebrating the return of the “Tomorrow” show to Gotham!

Ma Snyder: [ speaking in a drawl that matches Tom ] Well, by golly, I’m happy to be here, too, Tommy! But let me say this to you, bearing in mind that a mother of years, as well as being her son’s biggest fan, also his harshest critic — you look like HELL!

Tom Snyder: Well, don’t bring me down, Mom!

Ma Snyder: I brought you up, why shouldn’t I being you down? [ a beat, then she titls her head back and guffaws ] If you’ll just hear me out, son, you’ll find amusing humor will illustrate a point. The fact is, Tom: You’re doing the “Tomorrow” show, you’ve just taken on a new show called “Prime Time”, and there’s talk about you anchoring the news. So, my question, then, to you, son, is: Why the HECK don’t you slow down before you burn yourself out?!

Tom Snyder: Oh, alright, alright, fair enough! You’re my mother, you want to know what makes Tommy run: Work is my life! TV is my home! I enjoy talking to strangers, asking inane questions, and rambling incoherently in front of millions of viewers at one o’clock in the morning!

Ma Snyder: Alright, Tom, fair enough! But it’s a mother’s prerogative to be concerned for her son!

Tom Snyder: Mom, you’ve ALWAYS been my best gal — it was DAD I had the problem with. I was always afraid he knew how I felt about ya’ and was jealous. My God, I’d like to have a nickel for every night I’d lay in my bed awake for fear he’d come in and SNIP the darn thing off! [ he lets out a guffaw ]

Ma Snyder: I wish I had a nickel for every time I stopped him!

Tom Snyder: Well, thank you, Mom, and I’m glad you did. To show my appreciation for being the wonderful mom that you are, I’d like to give you this mother’s Day gift. [ he hands her a small box ]

Ma Snyder: Thank you, Tommy. [ she shakes the box close to her ear ] What is it?

Tom Snyder: I’ll give ya a hint: It’s kinda free, it’s kinda wow!

Ma Snyder: [ thinking ] Charlie?

Tom Snyder: Charlie! Ha!

Ma Snyder: Oh, Tommy, you shouldn’t have.

Tom Snyder: Well, Mom, I did it because I’m fond of you, I respect ya’, I admire ya’, I, I — well — [ he sips his wine and chokes ] What the HECK, Mom: I LOVE YA’, Mom! There! I said it, I meant it! Happy Mother’s Day!

[ Tom kisses his mother, as they both make pouty lips ]

Ma Snyder: Thanks, Tommy.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Benjamin: 04/07/79: The Pepsi Syndrome

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 16

78p: Richard Benjamin / Rickie Lee Jones

The Pepsi Syndrome

Matt…..Bill Murray
Ross Denton…..Richard Benjamin
Two Mile Player #1…..Tom Davis
Two Mile Player #2…..Al Franken
Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Rosalyn Carter…..Laraine Newman
Violet…..Garret Morris
Dr. Edna Casey…..Jane Curtin
…..Rodney Dangerfield
Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner

[ opens on outside of nuclear power plant ] [ SUPER: “TWO MILE ISLAND NUCLEAR REACTOR” ] [ shows control room where Carl and Brian are working, a sign on the wall says “NO SOFT DRINKS IN CONTROL ROOM” ] [ SUPER: “DAY 1” ]

Brian: …the longest I’ve ever had to wait was about two hours. Two or three hours.

Carl: I’m gonna give up the game. You never get a court, you know, you gotta be a member sometimes.

Brian: Well, it’s the only place you can play around here.

[ Matt walks in with lunch ]

Matt: Okay, who’s got the turkey club?

Carl: That’s me.

Matt: All right-

Carl: With mayonnaise?

Matt: Yeah, some were here. Who’s got the vanilla shake?

Brian: That’s me.

Matt: All right. Now who else had a Coke beside me?

Carl: I had a coke.

Matt: All right.

[ Matt hands the Coke to Carl, but spills the soda on the control panel ] Gee, what the- [ sparks fly from the control panel, and alarms go off ]

Matt: Oh no! What’s going on here?! What’s going on here?!

Brian: Hey Matt, the water level’s dropping fast in the core.

Carl: The pressure’s rising in the core.

Matt: All right. Give me a napkin! [ hands Matt a tissue, as Matt tries to clean up spill ] No, that’s a Kleenex! Have you got a napkin sonewhere? Turn down that alarm, it’s driving me nuts! [ Carl turns down the alarm ]

Brian: Uh, how about the wax paper? [ explosion shakes control room ]

Carl: There’s been an explosion in main housing.

Brian: Listen, we’ve got to release the number three or that pump’s gonna blow.

Carl: If the pump blows that could mean a meltdown.

Brian: What is happening?

Matt: I’ll tell you what’s happenning. The Pepsi Syndrome.

[ shows title: “The Pepsi Syndrome” ]

Brian: Pepsi Syndrome? I’ve never heard of it.

Matt: Only a handful of people know what the Pepsi Syndrome means. Maybe soon, everyone will know it.

Carl: But, what is it?

Matt: Well, the Pepsi Syndrome. If someone spills a Pepsi on the control panel of a nuclear power reactor, the panel can short-circuit, and the whole core may melt down.

Brian: But, you spilled a Coke.

Matt: It doesn’t matter. Any cola does it.

Carl: Any cola? What about RC Cola?

Matt: Yeah, RC does it.

Brian: Canada Dry?

Matt: Sure.

Carl: 7-up?

Matt: It’s harmless. It’s an un-cola. [ smacks his hands to his forehead ] Oh, wow! I could have had a V8!

[ goes to press conference at the power plant’s main office ] [ SUPER: “DAY 2” ]

Ross Denton: Hello, hello, I’m Ross Denton, head of public relations for the Two Mile nuclear facility. First, I’d like to welcome all members off the press to Two Mile Island. I hope you enjoy your stay here and that you’ll come back again real soon. Now, there will be box lunches at air cooling tower #1 after the briefing, and later the buses will take you back to the motel for a special screening of the Jane Fonda film, “Barbarella”.

Male Reporter #1: What about the accident here at the plant?

Ross Denton: That what? Oh yes, yes, the accident. Uh, let me give you a little uh, technical, uh, background here. [ shows a diagram of a nuclear reactor pointing to nuclear energy, pointing to a toaster. ] This is a nuclear reactor. Now, the nuclear fuel here is used to generate energy here, which is sent to your homes to make toast.

Male Reporter #2: But what about the accident?

Ross Denton: I was getting to that. Sometime yesterday afternoon we experienced what we like to call a surprise. And, well, we had to release some radioactive steam.

Female Reporter #1: Well, how much radiation are we being exposed to right now?

Ross Denton: Well, I’m sure all of us here have been to the doctor and had our chest x-ray, haven’t we? Well, it’s just like that, only it’s as if the doctor had to give you the chest x-ray over, and over, and over again. Or, it’s like falling asleep under a sun lamp for a week or two! Or, it’s like drying your hair in a microwave oven! And to give you some idea of how little danger there actually is, President Carter will be here tomorrow. Now, gentlemen, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m sorry I have to cut this press conference short, but now I’d like to hand the stage over to the Two Mile players! They’re a pro-nuclear mime troope, and they’re going to perform a little skit for you, kids!

[ the Two Mile players enter and bow, as they perform their skit ]

Two Mile Player #1: [ pantomimes along ] “I’m energy! Everybody wants me!”

Two Mile Player #2: [ pantonmimes along as well ] “I’m a short-sighted consumer! I’m against nuclear energy! But I still want my stereo, and my electric guitar!”

Female Reporter #2: [ from off stage ] Question, I thought mimes weren’t supposed to talk!

Two Mile Player #1: What do you mean?

Two Mile Player #2: I told you we weren’t supposed to talk.

[ they continue arguing, as the scene goes back to the nuclear control room, where Matt is drinking a V8 while the alarm goes off ] [ SUPER: “DAY 3” ]

Matt: Would you turn that thing down? I can’t eat!

[ The phone rings, as Brian picks it up ]

Brian: Right, right. [ puts down phone ] Hey you guys, get that stuff away. The president is coming.

Matt: Quick! Hide the V8! [ Matt and Carl hide the V8 behind the panel, as Ross Denton enters with President Jimmy Carter and Rosalyn Carter. ]

Ross Denton: This is the, uh, main control room, Mr. President.

President Jimmy Carter: Of course, I’m familiar with nuclear facilities. You know, I’m a nuclear engineer.

Rosalyn Carter: And a damn good one.

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you, sweetheart. Now tell me what happened.

Ross Denton: Well Mr. President, this is Matt Crandall. He was cheif engineer when the “surprise” occurred.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, Matt. Give it to me straight.

Matt: [ nervous ] Well, the water level began dropping in the core, and the pressure neared critical in coolant pump #2, and a negative function in the control panel prevented us from preventing the, uh, minor explosion which occurred in the main housing.

President Jimmy Carter: Hmm. Sounds to me a lot like a Pepsi Syndrome. Were there any soft drinks in the control room?

Matt: Okay. You’ve got me. You’re too smart for me, Mr. President, sir. I spilled a large Coke to go on the control panel.

Ross Denton: Well, there you have it, Mr. President. Human error. No offense, Matt.

Rosalyn Carter: Well, I guess that’s it, Jimmy. We figured it out now. Let’s get out of here please.

President Jimmy Carter: Just a couple more minutes, sweetheart. I don’t get to do this everyday. Matt, right now, what is the level of radiation inside the containment vessel?

Matt: Well Mr. President, we don’t know. The large Coke knocked out all our monitoring systems, and no one’s been able to go inside of the room.

President Jimmy Carter: Well, I’d like to go in and check it out. I’ve never seen the core of a water cooler reactor.

Ross Denton: Uh, Mr. President, it may be dangerous in there.

Rosalyn Carter: Oh look, Jimmy, why don’t we just visit the Hershey factory?

President Jimmy Carter: Please, huh? I think I know how to handle myself around a nuclear facility. Besides, I’m protected. [ lifts his leg to reveal he’s wearing rubber boots ] I’ve got my little yellow boots on. I wanna go in and take a peek.

Ross Denton: All right. Matt, do you think it’s really safe in there?

Matt: You’re asking the wrong guy. I don’t know.

President Jimmy Carter: Don’t worry. I won’t be long.

Rosalyn Carter: Be careful, Jimmy. [ Jimmy Carter nods, then goes into the control room ]

Ross Denton: You’ve got quite a husband there, Mrs. Carter.

Rosalyn Carter: Yes I know.

Matt: You sure do, ma’am.

Ross Denton: You know, you could have brought Amy. I think she would’ve had a ball!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh well, Jimmy wanted to bring her, but well, she’s got school, and besides, what if one day, Amy wants to have children?

Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, well, maybe you can just bring Amy home a Two Mile Island T-shirt [ shows T-shirt that says, “I SURVIVED 2 MILE ISLAND” ]

Rosalyn Carter: That’s very nice. [ Jimmy Carter knocks on the nuclear core door ]

Matt: Wait a minute, do you hear something?

Ross Denton: Oh my God. It’s the president! [ they rush to open the door, Jimmy Carter comes out, glowing. ] Mr. President, [ nervous ] you’re glowing!

Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!

President Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch me. I’m a nuclear engineer, and I’m pretty worried right now. You’ve got six inches of radioactive water in that room. You’d better drain that.

Matt: Okay, we’ll take care of that right away.

Ross Denton: Mr. president, why don’t you come with me?

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah. I feel a little funny. [ goes off with Ross as Rosalyn follows them, worried ]

Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!

Matt: All right, don’t worry. You’ll be fine, Mr. Carter. Just stay inside and close the window, cover youself with some hot blankets, you know, and drink a beer or something.

Carl: I called maintainance.

Matt: Okay, you call the gate and tell them the president’s coming up. [ Brian calls the gate ] [ Matt wipes his face with a handkerchief, as Violet, the maintainance worker, comes in with a mop and bucket. ]

Violet: Uh, you asked for me, Mr. Crandall? I just finished with your office.

Matt: Oh yeah, Violet. There’s some water on the floor in there. Would you clean it up please?

Violet: Okay, but I’ve never been in there before.

Matt: I know. We usually don’t, but it’s a mess. But don’t bother waxing, okay?

Violet: Okay.

[ Violet goes into the nuclear core to mop up the water, as Matt looks on shamefully ] [ cut to research room where Rosalyn Carter is talking with Ross Denton and Dr. Edna Casey ] [ SUPER: “DAY 4” ]

Rosalyn Carter: Where is Jimmy? I have a right to see him!
Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, the president is recieving special treatment right now.

Rosalyn Carter: What kind of special treatment? Why can’t I see him?

Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, this is Dr. Edna Casey. Perhaps she can explain better than I what has happened to the president.

Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs. Carter, your husband was exposed to massive doses of radiation. Now this has affected the entire cell structure of his body and greatly accelerated the growth process.

Rosalyn Carter: Well, what does that mean?

Dr. Edna Casey: It means, Mrs. Carter, your husband, President Carter, has become [ camera zooms in on Dr. Edna Casey ] The amazing colossal president.

Rosalyn Carter: Well how big is he?

Dr. Edna Casey: Well Mrs. Carter, it’s difficult to comprehend just how big he is but to give you some idea, we’ve asked comedian Rodney Dangerfield to come along today to help explain it to you. Rodney?

[ Rodney Dangerfield enters ]

Rodney Dangerfield: How do you do, how are you?

Ross Denton: Rodney, can you please tell us, how big is the president?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s a big guy, I’ll tell you that, he’s a big guy. I tell you he’s so big, I saw him sitting in the George Washington bridge dangling his feet in the water! He’s a big guy!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh my God! Jimmy! Oh God!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s big, I’ll tell you that, boy. He’s so big that when two girls make love to him at the same time, they never meet each other! He’s a big guy, I’ll tell you!

Rosalyn Carter: Oh no! Oh Jimmy! My Jimmy!

Rodney Dangerfield: I don’t want to upset you lady, he’s big, you know what I mean? Why he could have an affair with the Lincoln Tunnel! I mean, he’s really high! He’s big, I’ll tell you! He’s a big guy!

Rosalyn Carter: No! No! No!

Ross Denton: Rodney, thank you very much. You can go.

Rodney Dangerfield: It’s my pleasure. He’s way up there, lady! you know what I mean? [ goes off, leaving Rosalyn Carter very upset ]

Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs Carter, perhaps this chart can give you a more precise measurement of his size. [ shows chart comparing sizes of animals ] Now the figure on the left represents Vice President Mondale. This is Tip O’Neill, Speaker of the house, Democrat, Massachussetts. This is an Indian elephant, this is a brontosaurus, and this, I’m afraid, [ pulls back flap to show that President Carter is about twice the size of a brontosaurus ] is President Carter. [ Rosalyn Carter bursts into tears, as Ross Denton lets her head rest on his shoulder ] [ goes back into press conference at the power plant’s main office, with Baba Wawa reporting. ]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo, this is Baba Wawa speaking to you wive fwom Two Miwe Iwand. I’m speaking to you wive fwom the Two Miwe Iwand Nucweaw Weactow site whewe wumows awe wunning wampant that the pwesident has been exthposed to wethaw wevews of wadiation. And he has gwown to an incwedibly widiculous pwopowtion. He’s weawwy, weawwy, wawge. Pwesentwy, Woss Denton, spokespewson fow the utiwity company which wuns the nucweaw weactow wiww enter this woom to wespond to the pwess. Watew tonight, at 10:30, 9:30 centwaw, ABC wiww pwesent a speciaw half houw wepowt, “How big is the President?” hosted by Fwank Weynolds and Wodney Dangewfiewd. [ Ross enters the room with Rosalyn Carter and Dr. Edna Casey ] I see Woss Denton is appwoaching the podium and seems weady to speak. Wet’s wisten in.

Ross Denton: Good afternoon, good afternoon, ladies and gentleman of the press. First, as to the president’s condition, let me say that the president is feeling certainly “stronger” than he’s ever felt. And he would like to be with us right here, in this room if he could. I think now I’ll just open the door to questions-

Female Reporter #1: Yes, is it true that the president is 100 feet tall?

Ross Denton: Nooooo! Absolutely not!

Male reporter #3: Is the president 90 feet tall?

Ross Denton: No comment. Yes?

Male Reporter #1: Yes. While the Constitution does not specifically exclude giants and behemoths from the presidency, is it not true that the Mr. Carter’s enourmous size really violates the spirit of-

Dr. Edna Casey: Look! There he is! It’s the president!

[ a gigantic Jimmy Carter is seen outside of the window ]

Everyone in room: Mr. President! Mr. President!

President Jimmy Carter: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m afraid that since the army clothing engineers have been unable to fit me with a giant loincloth, I’ll have to adress you through this window. First, let me say that this experience has not changed my committment to nuclear power, nor do I believe that my enourmous size will in any way limit my abilities to perfrom my duties in my office. However, this will mean some changes in my personal life. Rosalyn, I hate to spring this on you this way, but I’d like to introduce you all to my future wife and my next first lady. She was a widow, and, until recently, a maintainance worker here at Two Mile Island. Miss Violet Crawford.

[ Violet comes in looking through the window, having also become a giant from radiation, as Rosalyn Carter hits the wall in shock ]

Violet: Hi, everybody. As First Lady, I’d like to say I have nothing against nuclear power, honey. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

[ Jimmy and Violet kiss, as Rosalyn sinks to the floor, appalled, as the reporters leave ] [ fade out ]

submitted by: Tony DuMont

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