SNL Transcripts: Maureen Stapleton: 05/19/79: Mom’s Birthday



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19







78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Mom’s Birthday

Mrs. Arthur…..Maureen Stapleton
Daughter…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, living room apartment, as the doorbell rings ] [ slowly crosses the room to answer the door ]

Mrs. Arthur: Oh!

Daughter: [ enters ] Hi, Mom! Happy birthday!

[ they hug ]

Mrs. Arthur: My baby!

[ they maneuver around the room and finally sit upon the loveseat, as an awkward silence envelops them ]

Daughter: [ breaking the tension ] Well! Mom, how have you been?

Mrs. Arthur: [ she sighs, turns away ] Oh, I’m all right…

Daughter: Mom, what’s wrong?

Mrs. Arthur: Nothing! Nothing, I’m fine! Don’t worry!

Daughter: Okay, I won’t worry. [ she pats a small dog sitting with them on the loveseat ] How’s, uh, little Bootsie here?

Mrs. Arthur: Worried.

Daughter: Mom, are you ready to go to dinner? [ she stands ]

Mrs. Arthur: Well, I thought — I thought we could have an appetizer here first!

Daughter: Mom, Mom — we’ll eat at the restaurant.

Mrs. Arthur: Oh, but I made your favorite! Brisket and a roast potato!

Daughter: Mom… Mom, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant — Madrigal — It’s your birthday. I’m taking you there so you’ll be happy!

Mrs. Arthur: But, honey — oh, baby — I HATE to see you spend your money on me. Why don’t you save up and… buy yourself a coat?

Daughter: Mom, I have a coat. I have LOTS of coats.

Mrs. Arthur: Well — you — you — you could have MY coat! [ she grabs her fur off the loveseat and hands it over ]

Daughter: Mom, I don’t want to take your coat. I don’t want it, alright?

Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…

Daughter: Mom, could you stop apologizing?

Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…

Daughter: Mother! You are just — you are just trying to make me feel GUILTY!

[ they sit ]

Mrs. Arthur: Don’t DO anything that makes you feel guilty, and you won’t feel guilty.

Daughter: Mother, could you just go and put the brisket back in the fridge, and we’re going out to dinner, okay? It’s your birthday.

Mrs. Arthur: [ she throws up her arms ] Whatever you want

[ Mrs. Arthur gets up and exits into the other room ] [ she stands up on the loveseat and begins to jump on the cushions like a little girl ] [ after a moment, she climbs down, crosses the room and dials the phone ]

Daughter: Uh, yeah — is this the doorman? Uh — I was wondering, uh — could you, uh — send a cab for Mrs. Arthur’s apartment, 18-K? Yeah. And you’ll phone us when it’s there? Okay, thank you.

[ she hangs up and returns to sit on the loveseat, as her mother returns from the other oom carrying the brisket ]

Mrs. Arthur: Oh, here, baby — take the brisket!

Daughter: Mom, I don’t — I don’t want it!

Mrs. Arthur: Well, honey, I don’t like brisket. I never eat it, so take it, I can’t —

Daughter: I don’t — Mother! I don’t want to walk into a restaurant carrying a brisket!

Mrs. Arthur: You can CHECK the brisket!

Daughter: I DON’T want to check the brisket!

Mrs. Arthur: Why?! Is there a law saying you can’t check a brisket while I — I don’t see the President passing new legislation about checking brisket!

Daughter: [ through clenched teeth ] I am NOT… taking… the brisket… to… the restaurant!

Mrs. Arthur: [ insisting ] Take the brisket.

Daughter: [ taking the brisket ] Help, God. Get me out of this discussion.

Mrs. Arthur: It was a $12 brisket.

Daughter: Okay, Mom, okay. Alright. [ she opens her purse ] $12… $12. Here, Mom — take the $12! [ she hands the money over ]

Mrs. Arthur: Mrs. Kelman’s daughter checked a veal roast at Trader Vic’s!

Daughter: [ putting the money away ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter calls her every day… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter took Mrs. Kelman to Nassau… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter has three wonderful grandchildren… and Mrs. Kelman’s daughter does it with your dentist in the SAME chair where you get your teeth cleaned!

Mrs. Arthur: I DON’T want to hear this!

[ silence, as they struggle for something to say to one another ]

Daughter: That’s, uh — that’s a nice tea set. Is it new?

Mrs. Arthur: [ pleased to talk about it ] It’s Japanese! [ she picks it up ] Here. Take it!

Daughter: [ exasperated ] Mom, would you quit trying to give me stuff? It’s your birthday. Can’t I give you something?

Mrs. Arthur: All I want is your respect.

Daughter: Oh. I’d rather give you a gift.

Mrs. Arthur: What?

Daughter: [ she opens her purse and pulls out some cigarettes ] Nothing. Do you have an ashtray?

Mrs. Arthur: What for?

Daughter: I want to throw up in it.

Mrs. Arthur: I thought you QUIT smoking?

Daughter: [ as she lights up ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter quit smoking. The adulteress!

Mrs. Arthur: Is, uh… that what you’re wearing?

Daughter: No. This is what Carmen Miranda is wearing. She’s wearing what I’m wearing. Our outfits got mixed up on the way over here.

Mrs. Arthur: Are you sure you’ll be warm enough to eat?

Daughter: No, Mother. Actually, I’m not sure whether I have any clothes at all! You know, I’m 32 years old, and I don’t know how to dress myself! I mean, I don’t even know how gto cook an egg. I think you just break it out onto a plate, and it comes out scrambled. And, you know, Mom? I tap dance in the bath tub. And I’m always putting my finger into electric sockets. And, uh — this is something you don’t know, Mom — uh — I shave my armpits with a carving knife. And I forget to put my pants back on every time I go to the bathroom! And I LOVE picking my nose SO much, that the underneath of YOUR couch is caked with SNOT!! [ she puffs on her cigarette ]

Mrs. Arthur: [ she picks up her dog ] Maybe Bootsie would like some brisket?

[ the telephone rings; Daughter picks up ]

Daughter: Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thanks very much. Alright, we’ll be right down. [ she hangs up ] Mom, the cab’s here.

Mrs. Arthur: Here. [ she holds up her fur coat ]

Daughter: [ helping her into the coat ] Mom, don’t you think you’re gonna be hot in this coat? It’s so heavy. [ a beat ] Wait. Wait a minute. [ she laughs ] You have lipstick all over your teeth.

Mrs. Arthur: [ pointing in her mouth ] Here?

Daughter: No. Wait on, I’ll get it. Come here. [ she wipes off the lipstick with a Kleenex ] There you go.

Mrs. Arthur: How do I look?

Daughter: [ tenderly ] You look beautiful. Come on, let’s go.

[ Daughter exits the apartment, as Mrs. Arthur turns around to take the brisket with her before exiting ] [ zoom out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Sesame Streetwalker” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Maureen Stapleton: 05/19/79: Telepsychic Ray



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19



78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Telepsychic Ray

Telepsychic Ray … Dan Aykroyd
Caller #1 … Laraine Newman
Caller #2 … John Belushi
Caller #3 … Bill Murray
Caller #4 … Jane Curtin
Caller #5 … Garrett Morris

[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddlyaccented man — wearing a brown plaid jacket,ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses — sitshunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a signthat reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies infront of him as he addresses the camera.]

Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I’ll be takingyour calls today. Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3,and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life,money, love — I’ll predict for ya, okay? [answersphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how oldam I gonna live to?

Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?

Caller #1: Okay, yeah, thanks.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay, thank you. [hangs up, answersanother phone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #2: Yeah, uh, is this Telepsychic?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, yeah, go ahead, you’re on live,go ahead.

Caller #2: Um, I have no proof but I got a feelin’ mywife Lucille might be cheating on me. I was wonderingif you have any thoughts on this.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, I hate to be the one to tell youthis … but I’m getting an image which makes me thinkshe’s getting it on the side.

Caller #2: Oh, no. [savagely] Who is it?! I’ll killhim!

Telepsychic Ray: All I can tell you is a name — Dick.Okay?

Caller #2: Dick. Okay. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: All right. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #3: Is this Ray?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, this is Ray. You’re on, goahead.

Caller #3: Okay, about a year ago, I gave aconstruction company twelve thousand bucks downpayment to build my house …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: … and, uh, they put in a basement and Igave them another twelve thousand bucks.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: And they stopped construction lastSeptember and they won’t answer my phone calls now.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh huh.

Caller #3: Friend of mine tells me they’re goingbankrupt.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah. Okay. When’s your birthday?

Caller #3: May … May twenty-fifth.

Telepsychic Ray: Well, you have this problem ’causethis is a bad time for you to do business.

Caller #3: So, uh, am I gonna get my money back?

Telepsychic Ray: Definitely not. No. Okay?

Caller #3: All right. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: [hangs up, answers another phone]Hello, Telepsychic. Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah, my brother left home and disappeared’bout ten years ago and we haven’t heard from him andI was wondering if you knew where he is.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, yes. He was, uh, hit in the headwith a rock and, uh, eaten by large cats … and, uh,he was alone in Colorado, okay?

Caller #4: Okay, thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. [hangs up, answers anotherphone] Telepsychic. You’re on, go ahead.

Caller #5: Yeah, like, man, you know, my favorite TVshow is “Saturday Night Live” …

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #5: … you know? And I was wondering ifthey’re going to change the way they start the show.

Telepsychic Ray: No, no, it’s always gonna be “Livefrom New York, it’s Saturday night.”

Submitted Anonymously

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