SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Danny DeVito’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19









81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Danny DeVito’s Monologue

…..Danny DeVito
…..Andy Kaufman
…..Christopher Lloyd
…..Marilu Henner
…..Tony Danza
…..Judd Hirsch

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Danny DeVito and the cast of “Saturday Night Live”!

[ DeVito poses with the cast, then saunters in front of the audience alone as they all scatter ]

Danny DeVito: Well… “Taxi” was cancelled by ABC! [ the audience boos ] That is, uh, the American Broadcasting Company! A… B… C! [ he makes a slit motion across his throat ] Huh? Huh? Huh? Well, you know, actors, actors, actors — we roll with the punches! [ he mimes getting K.O.’d ] Uh — You know, you’re up, you’re down, you’re up, you’re down… working, you’re out of work… flushed… you’re broke. It was REAL hard on my mother. [ he pulls a letter out of his pocket ] This afternoon, my… little… immigrant… Italian mother… she gave me this letter. She said to me: “Danny… [ in an Italian accent ] I want-a you-a to read-a this on-a national-a TV!” Okay, I’ll do it. [ he opens the letter ] Alright… [ reading ] “Son… You have been besmirched by men so shallow… that they do not know the depths to which their deeds have taken them. [ he shrugs ] May God forgive them, but of course we will understand if He does not. Love, Momma.” Wow!

I’ll tell you — The ONE thing that really bothers me is… I mean, like all actors, we’ve been in show and they’ve flopped — like one night, or something — but the one thing that you always got was your final bow. I mean… We didn’t get our final bow! I mean, we filmed our last show this year on March 5th, and… we didn’t KNOW it was our last show! It’s devastating, to find out your cancelled and you don’t get the final bow! Well, tonight, thanks to my comedy brothers and sisters here at “Saturday Night Live” — [ the audience applauds ] Yes! That’s right! I am gonna bring out the cast of “Taxi” for their FINAL BOW!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Danny DeVito: Latka Gravas, played by ANDY KAUFMAN!

[ Andy Kaufman, with his neck brace, comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Jim Ignatowski, played by CHRISTOPHER LLOYD!

[ Christopher Lloyd comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Elaine Nardo, played by MARILU HENNER!

[ Marilu Henner comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: Tony Banta, played by TONY DANZA!

[ Tony Danza comes out and takes a bow ]

Danny DeVito: And ALEX RIEGER, played by JUDD HIRSCH!

[ Judd Hirsch comes out and takes a bow ]

[ the audience applauds ecstatically each time, until they finally give a standing ovation ]

Danny DeVito: Alright, that’s good! That’s good! Okay!

[ Judd Hirsch raises his hand to silence the audience ]

Judd Hirsch: And, of course… And, of course: [ he cups his hands to his mouth ] AND LOUIE DEPALMA, PLAYED BY DANNY DEVITO!!

[ the audience applauds wildly as DeVito hugs each of his co-stars ]

Danny DeVito: Alright! We will be right… BACK!

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 05/15/82: Sparks performs “Mickey Mouse”




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19








81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Sparks performs “Mickey Mouse”

…..Danny DeVito
…..Sparks

Danny DeVito: And now, it’s my pleasure to introduce Ronald Mael of Sparks, with a few words about his first song.

[ pan over to Ronald Mael ]

The mouse is a member of the Rodent Family, distingushed from the rat in that it is smaller in size. [ DeVito frowns ] It usually measures six inches in length — approximately 15 centimeters — and weighs one ounce, which is, of course, approximately 28 grams. [ DeVito looks around at the rest of the band ] The mouse is responsible for much of the world’s pestulence and destruction. [ counting on his fingers ] When the mouse is not scaring women, eating saltine crackers from cupboards, or ingesting HUGE amounts of saccharine in laboratory experiments, the mouse has been known to enter the world of entertainment. [ DeVito flicks his tongue ] One such mouse… was named “Mickey.”

[ dissolve to the band ]

Russell Mael: [ singing ]“Can you raise both your hands and clap ’em?
Can you say, “Sure, I’ll always try?”
Can you make friends among people and animals?

Basically, everything is easy
Give it a try, you’ll see I’m right
‘Cause if a mouse can be special, well so can you.

And my name is Mickey Mouse
To my right is Minnie Mouse
And we own a little place in Disneyland, California.

Let’s have a party and be happy
We can invite my closest friends
We can ask Donald Duck, Pluto, and all the gang.

And my name is Mickey Mouse
To my right is Minnie Mouse
And we own a little place in Disneyland, California.

Well, you should try to smile, dear
Get yourself a pet deer.”

[ close-ups of the band members singing each individual animal’s name, including Ronald Mael smiling maniacally at the camera ]

“Dog!
Cat!
Bird!
Pig!
Lamb!
Horse!
Cow!
Fox!
Wolf!
Snake!
Ox!
Fish!
A goldfish!
Mouse!”

[ having stood motionless at his keyboard until now, Ronald Mael approaches the center of the stage and begins to breakdance on the floor, then wipes the dust from his pants leg and returns to his keyboard ]

“And my name is Mickey Mouse
To my right is Minnie Mouse
And we overlook a place in Disneyland, California.”

[ Ronald Mael stares uncomfortably into the camera, as Russell dances behind him ]

“Did you raise both your hands and clap ’em?
Did you say, “Sure, I’ll always try”.
‘Cause you look hesitant, wary, or am I wrong?

You can go off and be a loner
Maybe you can’t believe a mouse.
And if you feel the need, come back
I’m here! For! You!
And you!
I’m here! For! You!
And you!

And my name is Mickey Mouse
To my right is Minnie Mouse
And we overlook a place in Disneyland, California.

And my name is Mickey Mouse
To my right is Minnie Mouse
And we overlook a place in Disneyland, California.

And my name is Mickey Mouse
To my right is Minnie Mouse
And we overlook a place in Disneyland, California!”

[ Russell wraps his arm around Ronald and smiles at the camera ] [ Ronald shrugs at the audience’s enthusastic response to their song ]

SNL Transcripts

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