Category: 1981

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

Reach Out And Touch Someone

[ open on Elderly Couple seated in their living room ]

Elderly Woman: Arthur?

Elderly Man: What’s that, Ma?

Elderly Woman: I’ve been thinking – Jimmy’s been with us for almost three days now. I’ll bet his mother misses him.

Elderly Man: Three days, is it?

Elderly Woman: I’m sure she’d love to talk with him. Arthur, supposin’ you get him?

[ Elderly Man rises to retrieve Jimmy ]

[ dissolve to Elderly Couple holding the phone for Jimmy ]

Mother on Phone: Hello?

Jimmy: Mommy?

Mother on Phone: Jimmy? Jimmy, is that you?

Jimmy: Hi, Mommy!

Mother on Phone: Oh, baby, I miss you. Are you being a good boy?

Jimmy: Yes, Mommy.

Mother on Phone: Are you brushing your teeth?

Jimmy: Yes, Mommy. I miss you, Mommy.

Mother on Phone: I know you do, swetheart.. I miss you, too. But don’t worry, you’ll be home soon.

Jingle: “Reach out.. reach out and touch someone.

Reach out.. reach out, and just say hi..”

[ Elderly Woman grabs the phone ]

Elderly Woman: Hi. I want that $50,000 in unmarked bills, or you’ll never see your kid again.

[ pull back to reveal little Jimmy tied with rope, as Elderly Couple shake hands for their kidnapping efforts ]

Jingle: “Reach out.. reach out and touch someone.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

The President’s Birthday

Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: Tonight: President Ronald Reagan celebrates his 71stbirthday. Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, the Honorory EntertainmentDirector of the White House – Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra!

Frank Sinatra: [ walks onstage to a smattering of applause ]
“My kind of Chief.. Executive
We’re talkin’ Chief.. Executive.
Shoots down Kadaffi, Ron Reagan does
Takes naps when he wants to, Ron Reagan does.
That Chief Executive
Why, he’s my kind of guy!
Ron Reagan! Ron Reagan!
My kind of gu-u-u-u-uyy!! Ron Reagan!

It’s an honor to be here tonight. Before we talk about the main man,I’d like to do something for our First Chick!

“When she gets hungry, the Third World can wait
She buys her china, at one-grand a plate
Threads by Adolfo, oh that chick, she looks great.
The First Lady.. champ!”

Speaking of champs, how about that Secretary-of-State of ours, huh?

“He’s bad, bad, bad Al Haig
tougher than the Red Brigade.
Badder than old King Kong
meaner than a neutron bomb!”

Here’s a little something that you very well might have heard throughthe years..

“When I was 17..
Ron, you were 63!”

[ laughs ] Seriously, Mr. President. Not only are you the leader of thisgreat country of ours, you are a devoted father to your son, the dancer.

“Fairy tales can true
Ron, it happened to you.
Da da da da-a-a-a..”

Ron, I’m sure you feel the same way about Ron, Jr. that I do aboutFrank, Jr. But let’s give our young people something to look forward to -a free Poland. Solidarity. Hey, how many Polish people does it take toscrew in a light bulb, huh? Well, I’m sure one could do it.. but, first,we gotta hand them the light bulb of freedom. It’s up to 200 milionAmericans to help them screw it in. And we should all stand behind thatmarvelous human being, Lech Walesa. Lechy, you are one groovy cat! But right now, ladies and gentlemen, back to the festivities at hand!

“Happy birthday to you!
Birthday, you!
Happy, happy, Ronnie..
Happy birthday.. happy birthday..
A birthday, you!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 12


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February 20th, 1982

Bruce Dern

Luther Vandross

None

Joe Dicso

Clint Smith

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller
Bruce’s Advice

Montage

Ski Date with Fluffy

Who Do You Hate?

Focus on FilmRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.

The Bizarro World

Luther Vandross performs “Never Too Much”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Schleimer and Laub SongwritersRecurring Characters: Harry Schleimer, Moe Laub.

The Mild One

Fracas

The Unstable Pilot

Luther Vandross performs “A House Is Not A Home”

Melina’s Cafe

Goodnights

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

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February 27th, 1982

Elizabeth Ashley

Hall & Oates

Harry Anderson

Joseph Papp
CBS Evening NewsRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Montage

Elizabeth Ashley’s Monologue

Big Damn Plastic BubbleSummary: Eddie Murphy touts the revolutionary device that consumers would have to be stupid to buy, due to its impractical nature.

Transcript

Speaking As A WomanRecurring Characters: Michael Nash, Shelley Winters.

The Pope’s African TourRecurring Characters: Pope John Paul II.

Hall & Oates performs “You Make My Dreams”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Joseph Papp Auditions

Hall & Oates performs “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)”

Harry Anderson

Women’s Party Conversation

Loewenbrau

Hall & Oates performs “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 13

81m: Elizabeth Ashley / Hall & Oates

Big Damn Plastic Bubble

…..Eddie Murphy
Announcer…..Mel Brandt

[ Pleasant music plays. A picture of a white house is shown. ]

Eddie Murphy V/O: We all know that years of wind and weather can turn a beautiful home like yours into an ugly eyesore.

[ Fade to a picture of the same house, all cracked and dry. ]

Eddie Murphy V/O: But what if you could protect your home? What if you could keep it beautiful forever, with a giant see-through plastic bubble?

[ Fade to a picture of the same house, pristine, with a big plastic bubble over it. Eddie then appears in a square in the top right corner. ]

Eddie Murphy: Well, you can’t! They don’t make no damn plastic bubble, you stupid idiot! And even if they did, how you gon’ find one big enough to fit over your house, right? What you gon’ do, how you gon’ get it home? Tie it on top of your damn station wagon? All right?

[ Eddie now takes up the whole screen ]

Eddie Murphy: But let’s say you could get one, right, if you sittin’ around in this big stupid plastic bubble over your house, right? Now you got it made, right? You didn’t stop to think, right, what happens when you get hungry, right? How you gon’ bring food inside there? They can’t deliver sandwiches with a big plastic bubble over your house, right? What they gon’ do then, right? The best part about that, I was thinkin’, right, what happens when you run out of air, right? You inside a space for about five days, you run out of air. Don’t you feel stupid now, sittin’ in that bubble, dead, huh? You feel real dumb, right? Let me tell you somethin’, man. If you feel that you’ve got to have this plastic bubble, and you got to spend your money on it, here’s Mel, he’ll tell you how to do it. Plastic bubble, y’all some stupid people out there …

[ Fade to a picture of the house with the plastic bubble over it. An address appears over this still. ]

Mel Brandt V/O: Thanks, Eddie! Send check or money order to Big Damn Plastic Bubble, Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. Do it today!

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 14


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March 20th, 1982

Robert Urich

Mink De Ville

Buhweet and De Dupreems

None
He’s No Burt Reynolds

Montage

Buhweet And De DupreemsSummary: Burt Reynolds (Robert Urich) introduces Buhweet (Eddie Murphy) and Da Dupreems, who perform a medley of unintelligible Motown hits for the audience.

Recurring Characters: Buckwheat.

Reach Out And Touch SomeoneNote: Repeat from: 02/06/82.

Paul Harvey Radio NewsRecurring Characters: Paul Harvey.

Focus on FilmRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Buy a Bullet for a Hungry Kid

Reagan & Dr. StrangeloveRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese

Mink De Ville performs “Maybe Tomorrow”

Fur: You Deserve It!

Golden Age School of ObedienceSummary: Obedience trainer (Eddie Murphy) keeps elderly family members (Tim Kazurinsky, Robin Duke) in line like dogs.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Koala Embryo

Headline Challenge

Low Class Italian Theater

Mink De Ville performs “Love & Emotion”

The Thing That Destroyed Tokyo

John Belushi TributeSummary: Brian Doyle-Murray pays tribute to the recent death of John Belushi.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 14

81n: Robert Urich / Mink De Ville

John Belushi Tribute

…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ Home Base. Brian Doyle-Murray stands alone facing the camera. ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: As you all know, since our last live show, we lost our friend and colleague, John Belushi. John was an original cast member of Saturday Night Live, and someone I worked with, uh, for many years, both here and in Chicago. John put me up when I first came to New York, and took care of me. Once, he and I were, uh, running down Bleecker Street in the Village, uh, during a snowstorm, and, uh, we were running around with our heads down and our hats pulled over our eyes — couldn’t see where we were going — we came to a corner, and uh, John yelled at me, uh, “Look out!” and shoved me aside. And uh, I turned just in time to see him get hit by a 10-ton truck. The right bumper caught him, he flew up into the air and uh, landed on the curb, and got up and dusted himself off, and uh, seemed perfectly all right. An ambulance came, he didn’t want to get in it, and uh, so we went to St. Vincent’s Hospital anyway, and they x-rayed him, and he was, perf, perfectly all right. Nothing wrong with him at all.

So uh, so he saved my life, and uh, I always thought he was indestructible. So uh, speaking for the current cast, the, the band, the staff backstage, and the crew here in the studio, hundreds of people who knew and worked with John, we mourn his death and we miss him very much.

[ A moment of silence. Fade to a wider shot of Brian on stage, followed by a bumper with Belushi. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 14

81n: Robert Urich / Mink De Ville

Golden Age School of Obedience

Nana….Robin Duke
Husband…..Robert Urich
Wife….Mary Gross
Pop…..Tim Kazurinsky
Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo
Trainer…..Eddie Murphy

[ Open on a family. Senile Nana and Pop sit next to each other at the dinner table. Husband sits at the end, reading the paper, as Wife hands him a dessert from the dessert plate. ]

Nana: What time is it?

Husband: It’s 8:15, Nana. How did you sleep last night, Nana?

Nana: Well I was cold. It’s always cold. Why don’t you turn up the heat?

Husband: I told you, Nana, we have to set the thermostat so everybody’s comfortable.

Wife: Here, Pop. Have some danish.

Pop: HAVE YOU GOT A JELLY DONUT?

Wife: No jelly donuts. I have apple danish, though.

Nana: What time is it? Does anybody know?

Wife: It’s 8:15.

Pop: WHERE’S THE JELLY DONUTS?!? THERE’S NOT ANY??

Wife: No, there’s not any, I told you, just apple danish.

Pop: [ touches the dessert plate ] COULD YOU WARM IT UP?

Nana: [ leans over to Pop ] Everything’s cold here. [ faces Husband ] … What time is it?

[ Husband rubs his face in aggravation as Wife sits down and does the same. The Spokesman appears in a circle at the top of the screen as 50’s stock music plays. ]

Spokesman: Aren’t Mom and Dad annoying?

[ laughter ]

Spokesman: Sure, they’ve given you the best years of their life, but why should you have to put up with ’em now? We’re the Golden Age School of Obedience.

[ The logo appears at the bottom of the screen. As the Spokesman talks, Nana keeps asking “What time is it?” as Husband and Wife sit there, aggravated. ]

Spokesman: And we believe that old people should be seen, and not heard. Our Golden Age professionals come to your home to teach your old folks some new tricks. Watch.

[ The Spokesman fades away, and the doorbell rings. Wife answers, finds Trainer at the door holding a rolled-up newspaper. ]

Trainer: Hi, I’m the man from Golden Age.

Wife: Oh, come right in!

[ She shuts the door and leads him to the table ]

Wife: Nana? Pop? This is the man we told you about.

Trainer: Hi, Nana and Pop. I’ve heard so much about you. [ to Wife ] You can leave us now. We’ll be all right.

Wife: [ nods ] All right. [ she and Husband exit the kitchen ]

Trainer: OK, that’s all I’ll be needing. Take it easy.

Nana: What time is it?

Trainer: [ switches to drill sergeant mode ] SHUT UP!! [ whacks her with the newspaper ] SHUT UP!! Just for askin’ that stupid question, you know what you do?!? [ carries her over to the fridge ] Stay in this corner, till you know enough to stop askin’ stupid questions!! Close the refrigerator!! [ raises the newspaper, mumbles ] Break yo’ head …

[ Pop taps the plate on the table ]

Pop: I WANT A JELLY DONUT!

Trainer: Oh yeah? Well tell me some’m, Pop! [ whacks him with the newspaper ] How the hell you gon’ eat that jelly donut — [ yanks out Pop’s dentures ] — with no damn TEETH in y’mouth, huh?!? [ throws the dentures through the closed kitchen window. Wild applause. ]

Nana: [ hobbles over to Trainer ] What time is it?

Trainer: What ti- that’s it. That’s the last straw. [ carries her back to the fridge and forces her down on the ground ] Gimme ten! GIMME TEN! DOWN! On the double! Gimme ten! [ grabs Pop and forces him down on the ground next to her ] You too! This ain’t funny! DOWN! Come on, together, UP! DOWN! UP! [ whacks them with the newspaper as they feebly attempt to do push-ups ] DOWN! UP! DOWN! UP!

[ Fade to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: At the Golden Age School of Obedience, we’ll teach them to stop nagging, stop whining, and stop demanding to be treated like adults.

[ Fade back to the kitchen, one day later. Wife hands Husband a danish from the dessert plate, then walks over to Pop. ]

Husband: Have some danish, Nana? [ Nana flinches in fear, like a dog ]

Wife: Pop?

[ She holds a danish up to his mouth, and he reluctantly chews on it ]

Wife: [ grins, facing the camera ] Now that’s how old people ought to act. Thanks, Golden Age!

[ Applause. The logo appears again, and we fade out on Nana and Pop being fed danishes as Husband and Wife grin and nod at each other. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15


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Bit Players:


March 27th, 1982

Blythe Danner

Rickie Lee Jones

Michael Davis

None

Neil Levy
Lorne Greene For AlpoSummary: Lorne Greene’s (Joe Piscopo) canine pal attacks him because he’s the meat dogs love.

Recurring Characters: Lorne Greene.

Transcript

Montage

Blythe Danner’s MonologueSummary: After confusing Blythe Danner for an actress who recently portrayed Elenour Roosevelt, Mary Gross forces Danner to perform a series of classic female celebrity impressions.

Bio: Most recognized for her stage work by the time she hosted SNL, Blythe Danner (1943-) was married to TV producer Bruce Paltrow, and is the mother of actors Gwyneth and Jake Paltrow.

America Is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.

Accidental CelibacySummary: While explaining their sex-free hobbies to dinner guests Andy (Brian Doyle-Murray) and Barbara (Christine Ebersole), Steve (Tim Kazurinsky) and Doreen (Robin Duke) hit upon the realization that neither one wanted to be celibate in the first place. Now charged with pent-up energy, they quickly rush their guests through dinner so they can get rid of them.

20/20Summary: Geraldo Rivera (Joe Piscopo) looks for conspiracies and cover-ups in a Mount Sinai Hospital delivery room as a woman (Blythe Danner) prepares to give birth.

Recurring Characters: Geraldo Rivera.

Transcript

The Khaddaffi LookSummary: Jordache spoof gives the Libyan dictator his own clothing line.

Note: Repeat from 81a.

Reclusive PoetSummary: Reclusive poet Ariel Feeley (Mary Gross) lives a strange life making up games with lint in an isolated room and plucking hairs off her sister’s (Robin Duke) chin. The inertia is broken when ex-prisoner/poet Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) enters through the window looking for valuables. There are none, but Tyrone and Ariel are fans of one another’s work, and make a date for the evening.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Pirates (So Long Lonely Avenue)”Lyrics

The Fifties Are BackSummary: At an 80’s dance, a couple (Tim Kazurinsky, Blythe Danner) explains that the 50’s mentality are alive once again in the 80’s.

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Christine EbersoleSummary: Christine Ebersole fills in for Mary Gross, who appears on-assignment at Vince Edwards house to await the shittle landing. Yvonne “Spike” DeMouchier (Robin Duke) comments on the fashion disasters of the Best Actress nominees. Joe Piscopo declares Georgetown the NCAA champion over North Carolina because of its attractive co-eds. Brian Doyle-Murray announced that he’s the proud new uncle of Bill Murray’s son Homer Banks Murray.

Note: Bloopers abound as Christine Ebersole fumbles with her microphone, and Brian Doyle-Murray delivers his first story without his microphone.

Michael DavisSummary: Entertainer Michael Davis juggles a bowing ball, a tomato and an egg, with the added bonus of eating the tomato as he juggles it.

The Uncle Tom ShowSummary: Now relegated to hosting a kiddie’s show while dressed in a hige, floppy bow tie, Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) interviews brash-mouthed Gumby (Eddie Murphy) about the scandals that exist among cartoon characters.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Gumby.

Meet The PeopleSummary: Purportedly famous newsman Brian Doyle-Murray moderates as Princess Di (Christine Ebersole) answers off-topic questions from normal, everyday people (Robin Duke, Blythe Danner, Tony Rosato).

Recurring Characters: Princess Di.

Help Blythe DannerSummary: As a costume designer (Robin Duke) brings in a tuna fish costume for the next sketch, Blythe Danner makes a plea to the audience to provide funding to prevent stage stars like herself from having to appear on SNL.

Transcript

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Lush Life”

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Woody & Dutch On The Slow Train To Peking”Note: Rickie Lee Jones performs this extra song after announcing there’s seven minutes and twenty seconds left in the show.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15

81o: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

20/20

Geraldo Rivera…..Joe Piscopo
Obstetrician…..Tony Rosato
Nurse…..Robin Duke
Woman in Labor…..Blythe Danner
Father…..Tim Kazurinsky
Intern…..Neil Levy

[ open on “20/20” logo ]

Announcer: And now, a “20/20” exclusive: “Horror in Our Hospitals.”

[ dissolve to an outer hospital hall, as Geraldo Rivera enters weilding a microphone ]

Geraldo Rivera: I’m the cold, sterile corridors of Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan. A place of healing, or a place of cruel, inhuman torture? Hello, I’m Geraldo Rivera. Something is going on here in Mount Sinai, but nobody is talking. [ orderlies push a woman past Geraldo on a stretcher ] Excuse me, miss. Geraldo Rivera. Could I ask you a few questions? [ the orderlies continue to push the stretcher off-screen ] Excuse me, miss! [ unpleased ] Obviously, she’s been instructed not to talk to us.

[ a woman’s scream pierces from behind the door at Geraldo’s back ]

Geraldo Rivera: A cry of human anguish behind an anonymous green door. Who knows what suffering waits within. This is too much, let’s go inside.

[ Geraldo bursts into the room, as doctors crowd over a woman giving birth ]

Geraldo Rivera: Alright, what’s going on in here, what’s going on?

Obstetrician: [ outraged by the interruption ] This woman’s in labor! Who is this guy?!

Geraldo Rivera: I’m Geraldo Rivera!

Obstetrician: Get this guy out of here!

Geraldo Rivera: Who are you, and what you trying to hide?

Obstetrician: [ stands and approaches Geraldo ] I’m not trying to hide anything! I’m an obstretrician! I’m trying to help this woman deliver a baby, for god’s sake!

Geraldo Rivera: Oh, you’re not trying to hide anything? Then why the mask, Doctor? [ pulls the obstretrician’s mask off his face ]

Obstetrician: Hey, what the heck’s going on?

Geraldo Rivera: And what about these rubber gloves? [ tugs at the obstretrician’s right glove ] Afraid of fingerprints, huh? Is that the story?

Obstetrician: What are you doing?!

[ the obstetrician frees himself loose, as Geraldo corners an approaching nurse ]

Geraldo Rivera: Geraldo Rivera! What do you call this, huh? What do you call this?

Nurse: I-it’s just something to relieve the pain.

Geraldo Rivera: Uh-huh. In other words, hard drugs. A vicious pattern at Mount Sinai. Keep the patient stoned, so they don’t ask any questions. [ picks up a pair of clamps ] And what about this? Oh, God knows what these are for?

[ Geraldo stands over the woman in labor ]

Geraldo Rivera: They say you’re having a baby? Is that true? Is that true, are you having a baby? [ she pants rapidly ] You can talk to me, I’m Geraldo Rivera! [ she can’t form her words, panting and gasping more rapidly ] If you’re afraid of these people — look, if you’re having a baby, who’s the father?! Who’s the father?!

[ the father moves closer with a camera ]

Geraldo Rivera: Hey, what’s with the camera, pal, huh?

Father: Well.. I’m taking pictures of my baby being born.

Geraldo Rivera: Oh, what is this, child pornography, huh? You know, last year over 50,000 young girls were sexually molested because of smut like this! [ throws the camera to the floor ]

Father: I’ll kill you, that was a Nikon! [ strangles Geraldo ]

Geraldo Rivera: Oh, you see! Another unprovoked attack on a journalist just trying to do his job!

[ security officers crash into the room and pull Geraldo into the hall ]

Geraldo Rivera: Go ahead, rough me up! This is police brutality! This is Geraldo Rivera, at a snakepit called Mount Sinai, reporting. [ to the officers ] Go ahead! Rough me up, rough me up —

[ dissolve to “20/20” logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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