[ open on Lorne Greene sitting on the floor petting his dog ]
Lorne Greene: Hi. I’m Lorne Greene. And this is my pal, All-Star. You know, All-Star’s 17 years old – that’s 114 to you and me. You know why she looks so young and healthy? Bwcause All-Star is an Alpo dog. Alpo is 100% meat and meat by-products, and not a speck of cereal. Alpo keeps your dog happy, healthy and frisky. Isn’t that right, All-Star, huh?
[ Lorne Greene pets All-Star again, but the dog begins to growl and attack him ]
Lorne Greene: Help! Whoa!
[ the dog ocntinues to corner Lorne Green against the wall ]
[ the cast surrounds Blythe Danner on the stage. She is now dressed in the tuna fish costume, and smiles meekly ]
Eddie Murphy: How about a round of applause for Blythe Danner! How about that!
[ audience applauds wildly ]
Eddie Murphy: This woman — this woman, huh! This woman looks great in this fish outfit. [ Blythe laughs ] But the star of this program has to be Joe Piscopo’s dog, All-Star!
[ Joe Piscopo bwnds down to pull his dog closer to the stage ]
Eddie Murphy: Come on, All-Star! Do your thing!
[ All-Star doesn’t feign biting joe again, so hep icks up the dog’s paws and waves to the cameras as the credits begin to roll ]
[ open on interior, Blythe Danner’s dressing room. She looks up to notice the camera on her ]
Blythe Danner: Oh, hello! I’m Blythe Danner, and I’m here to speak to you for a moment about a problem that affects thousands of serious actors and actresses like myself. Every year, as government funding for the arts is cut back, hundreds of legitimate actors are forced to appear on comedy programs like this one. Oh, there are those of us who go willingly, but most of us are subjected to this agony and humiliation against our will. Sure, I-I appear to be enjoying myself, but that’s because I’m an actress. [ dramatically ] And a dedicated one. An actress who’s known the truth and joy of doing Shakespeare, and Chekov, and Ibsen —
[ costume designer bursts in smoking a cigarette and carrying an oversized tuna fish costume ]
Costume Designer: Miss Danner. Time to get in your tuna fish costume.
Blythe Danner: Won’t you help, please, before it’s too late? Who’s next?
Rickie Lee Jones performs “Pirates” (So Long Lonely Avenue)
…..Blythe Danner …..Rickie Lee Jones
Blythe Danner: And now, it’s my pleasure to introduce tonight’s musical guest – Rickie Lee Jones!
Rickie Lee Jones: “Hey! Come on, Joey, get out of school We got places to go A ’57 Lincoln, it’s got a radio, it hurts And the girls like to touch it Just to find out if it works But don’t look at me It wasn’t me.
Joey, lives on the edge of the corner Of living on the run I like to ride in the middle I’m just trying to have some fun Until the pirates come And take me!
I won’t need no pilot Got a pirate who might sail Somewhere I heard far away He answers me So I’m holding on To your rainbow sleeves.
Well, goodbye, boys Oh, my buddy boys Oh my sad-eyed Sinatras. It’s a cold globe around the sea You keep the shirt that I bought ya And I know you’ll get the chance to make it, yeah And nothing’s gonna stop you You just reach right out and take it You say, “So long, lonely avenue Well, so long lonely avenue.”
I’ll see you there Wait and see Be looking for me Just like you Just like me.”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 10th, 1982 Daniel J. Travanti John Cougar None Neil Levy Andy Murphy Susan St. James Dave Wilson Akira Yoshimura Bruce Weitz Cooking With Marcello
Everybody Does MermanRecurring Characters: Rod Serling.
Larry the Lobster: Voting So Far
John Cougar performs “Hurts So Good”
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray
Hill Street Blues
Larry the Lobster: Larry’s Story
Bavarian Butterfly DanceSummary: In a film by Josef Sedelmaier, a dance troupe performs the Bavarian Butterfly Dance.
Career CornerSummary: Burt Wedermeyer (Tim Kazurinsky) interviews the Tooth Fairy (Eddie Murphy), who’s fed up with his career and is ready for a change. Transcript
Larry the Lobster: If Larry Lives
Reagan Brand EconomicsSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) sells a poor couple (Tony Rosato, Christine Ebersole) on his economics program that’s served with no human compassion whatsoever. Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan. Transcript
John Cougar performs “Ain’t Even Done With The Night”
Announcer: Coming Thursday night at 9:00: “The Buckwheat Story” — a world premiere movie starring Byron Allen. O-tay!
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ dissolve to talk show set ]
Burt Wedermeyer: Good evening. Welcome to “Career Corner”. I’m your host, Burt Wedermeyer. My guest tonight is a man who has touched all our lives. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Tooth Fairy!
[ pan out to reveal the Tooth Fairy seated next to Bert ]
You’ve been around, uh, as long as I can remember, Mr. Fairy. How long have you held your present job?
Tooth Fairy: Uhhh — forever, I’ve been doing it. Basically, forever.
Burt Wedermeyer: And, now you’re about to change careers. Why?
Tooth Fairy: Uh, well — see, for every tooth I pick up, right? — I got to leave a dime under the pillow. Okay? Now, then I got to take the tooth up to God, he gives me twelve cents. Okay? Now, when you subtract the dime I done put out my pocket already, that leaves me to clearing two cents. Now, I don’t know where you come from, but two cents ain’t a lot of money in MY neighborhood, you know?
Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, no, no, it’s not.
Tooth Fairy: Yeah, but sometimes, too, I be getting ripped off by little kids putting, like, Tic-Tacs udnerneath their pillow, right? And in the dark, you can’t tell the difference — I think they’re teeth, right? So I take it up to God, right? You know how it feels to give God a bag full of Tic-Tacs? I almost got fired once, ’cause he thought I was trying to tell him his breath stinks!
Burt Wedermeyer: Well, actually, that’s a revelation. I never thought of your job as being dangerous.
Tooth Fairy: Dangerous? Hey, most people — normal people — panic when they walk in their kid’s room and see a big Black guy standing there in a tutu, alright? With a big bag of dimes over their shoulder. I have been shot 6 times, I got bit by 37 doberman pinschers, and I had my behind kicked so many times I don’t even want to TALK about it!
Burt Wedermeyer: Aw, now come on, Mr. Fairy! You must get some sort of gratification from your work?
Tooth Fairy: No.
Burt Wedermeyer: Well… come on! Everybody loves the Tooth Fairy!
Tooth Fairy: No, they DON’T, man! I don’t get no letters, no Thank You, no NOTHING, alright? And I’m a FAIRY, dammit! I have feelings, too!
Burt Wedermeyer: Okay — well, what if you had your own special day?
Tooth Fairy: What you mean?
Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, you know — a day set aside just for you. You know, your own holiday.
Tooth Fairy: Oh, you mean like TOOTH Day?
Burt Wedermeyer: Yeah!
Tooth Fairy: Wow! Tooth Day! Everybody could wrap uo their teeth in little cellophane paper, you know, an put it under a tree! Right? And I could come down the chimney, and they leave me milk and cookies —
Burt Wedermeyer: Hold on — that sounds an awful lot like Christmas!
Tooth Fairy: Yeah, we could have TWO Christmases, then!
Burt Wedermeyer: No, I don’t think so.
Tooth Fairy: Why not? One for me, and one for him.
Burt Wedermeyer: No, no — I-I’m sorry —
Tooth Fairy: I do a better job than Santa Claus, man —
Burt Wedermeyer: No, no, I’m sorry, I — [ to the camera ] I’m afraid our time is up.
Tooth Fairy: It’s because he’s WHITE, right? That’s what it is.
Burt Wedermeyer: Good night, everybody! [ to the Tooth Fairy ] Ity’s not because he’s White.
Tooth Fairy: In fact, I could get some reindeer, too. How much some reindeer costs?
Burt Wedermeyer: Forget the reindeer, okay?
Tooth Fairy: Hey, listen — y’all better do something quick, ’cause Santa Claus is old and fat! He’ll probably have a heart attack soon.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameo: Bit Players:
April 17th, 1982 Johnny Cash Elton John None None Akira Yoshimura Clint Smith The Train of Life
Montage
The HoneyrooneysSummary: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) points out the idiosyncrasies of “The Honeymooners” while starring in an episode. Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney. Transcript
Frankie’s Last RequestSummary: Death row inmate Frankie (Eddie Murphy) makes a last request to hear Johnny Cash sing “99,999 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” Transcript
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Christine EbersoleRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.
Johnny Cash performs “I Walk The Line”, “Folsom Prison Blues” & “Ring of Fire”
Hail to the ChiefSummary: Bored after returning from his vacation in Barbados, President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) amuses himself by directing Margaret Thatcher (Mary Gross) and Leopoldo Galtieri (Brian Doyle-Murray) to kiss and make out. Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese, Margaret Thatcher. Transcript
Jay Clay Gets DepressedSummary: A clay figurine contemplates suicide in a Timothy Hittle claymation film.
Tegrim ShampooSummary: Kathy’s (Robin Duke) roommate (Christine Ebersole) shows her how to use Johnny Cash’s dark clothing to detect her problem dandruff. Transcript
Host: I went down to Con Edison and I said “Hey, what’s goin’ on? I paid my bill.” Right? And she said to me “What you talking about? If you paid your bill, you wouldn’t have a problem.” Right? So I said “Hey yo bitch! I paid my bill and my lights is out. Right? What’s happening? My lights are my problem and I paid the damn bill.” You know? Then she said “Look I understand.” I said “Listen here, I’m going to come back tommorrow right and if my lights ain’t on tommorrow, I’m going to have to kick some butt down at Con Edison!”
Guest: Maybe that’s what they need.
Host: Yeah you know. You know what happened yesterday? C.J. came by my house, right? You know what happened when C.J. came by my house yesterday? I’m going to tell you…
(Title appears)
Announcer: Be sure to tune in next week for more of “Black Talk”.
Andy Rooney as Ralph Kramden…..Joe Piscopo Alice Kramden…..Christine Ebersole Ed Norton…..Eddie Murphy
[FADE IN on the familiar city skyline and fireworks drawing of “The Honeymooners” as big band music plays. PAN to a moon with “Art Carney” printed in the center.]
Announcer: Art Carney!
[PAN to another moon labeled “Audrey Meadows.”]
Announcer: Audrey Meadows!
[PAN up to a third moon.]
Announcer: Andy Rooney!
[PAN right to a final moon with “The Honeyrooneys” printed inside.]
Announcer: In “The Honeyrooneys”!!!
[FADE to a set of the Kramden kitchen in black-and-white. Ralph walks in wearing his bus driver uniform and sets his hat and lunchpail on the bureau. With his belly bulging, he swaggers toward the little table and nods.]
Ralph: [in Andy Rooney’s whine] Honey? I’m hoo-oome!!
[ENTER Alice over applause.]
Alice: [with her hands on her hips] Hi, Ralph, you’d bettah wash up, my mothah’s coming over for dinnah.
Ralph: I’ve got news for ya, Alice! I’m going out tonight! I am NOT eating with that old BAG!
Alice: Ralph, she’s my mothah, and you’re staying home tonight.
Ralph: Har, har, HA-AAARRRDY har, har!!
Alice: Ralph.
Ralph: Alice, did ya ever notice that your mother is a blabbermouth?! Have you ever noticed that, Alice? I have noticed that!! SHE is a BLAAAA-BER-MOUTH!
Alice: Blabber is better than blubber.
[CUT to a closeup of Ralph.]
Ralph: Did ya ever wanna send your wife to the moon? [laughter] BANG, zoom!
Alice: Ralph, give me one good reason why you can’t stay home tonight.
Ralph: Me and my pal Norton are going bowling! [walks to window and sticks his head out] Hey, NORTON?! Norton, come on down here!
[Ralph sticks his hand in the window and shakes a curtain with apartment windows printed on it.]
Ralph: [to camera] Y’ever notice how phony these buildings look? [laughter and applause]
Norton: How ya doin’, Alice? Uh, Ralph, I’m a bit on the hungry side, ya mind if I take a bite out o’ the refrigerator?
Ralph: Help yourself, old bowling pal of mine!
Norton: Thank you, pal o’ mine!
[He opens up the icebox and rummages around.]
Ralph: Uh, Norton, you might wanna hurry up, ’cause we don’t wanna be late.
[Norton takes out a big plate of chicken and eagerly sets it on the table.]
Norton: [sitting down] Oh, boy.
[For several seconds, he deliberately flicks his wrists and shakes his arms getting ready to eat.]
Ralph: Didja ever notice how LONG it takes Norton to do one simple THING?! [knocks him off the chair] WILL you cut it OUT?!!
Norton: Sheesh! What a grouch. Ey, ey, ey, Ralph, I can’t, I can’t go bowlin’ tonight, Trixie’s mother’s comin over, we gotta have dinner with us.
Ralph: Y’mean you LIKE your mother-in-law, Norton?
Norton: Like? [stands up] Well, let me tell ya somethin’. When I first got my job in the sewer, Trixie’s mother gave me my first pair o’ hip boots. My first pair. They were her only pair and she gave ’em to me, Ralph. [chokes up] I tell ya, ya gotta be a real creep not to like your mother-in-law.
[Norton sadly takes a bite out of a chicken leg, sobs once, then whirls around and runs out of the apartment.]
Alice: What do you have to say for yourself, Ralph?
Ralph: Humina-humina-humina-humina-humina…
Alice: Look, Ralph, if it’s that important for you to go bowling, go. I understand.
[CUT to a closeup of Ralph bouncing in place.]
Ralph: Did’ya ever notice how foolish I look at the end of these shows? Course, I guess I deserve it, the way I constantly abuse my wife and best friend. Now, I can end this whole thing by saying, “I got a BIG MOUTH…” Or I can make a pathetic face, but this time, I think I’ll just say: “Baby, didja ever notice you’re the greatest?”
[Ralph dips Alice in their classic “stage kiss” as the theme music rises. They hold for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]
Air Date:
Summary: In a film by Josef Sedelmaier, a dance troupe performs the Bavarian Butterfly Dance.
Summary: Burt Wedermeyer (Tim Kazurinsky) interviews the Tooth Fairy (Eddie Murphy), who’s fed up with his career and is ready for a change.
Summary: President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) sells a poor couple (Tony Rosato, Christine Ebersole) on his economics program that’s served with no human compassion whatsoever.
Summary: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) points out the idiosyncrasies of “The Honeymooners” while starring in an episode.
Summary: Death row inmate Frankie (Eddie Murphy) makes a last request to hear Johnny Cash sing “99,999 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”
Summary: Bored after returning from his vacation in Barbados, President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) amuses himself by directing Margaret Thatcher (Mary Gross) and Leopoldo Galtieri (Brian Doyle-Murray) to kiss and make out.
Summary: Kathy’s (Robin Duke) roommate (Christine Ebersole) shows her how to use Johnny Cash’s dark clothing to detect her problem dandruff.
Summary: While riding a train, a Poet (Johnny Cash) recides an ode to the romance of the rails.
Summary: Two black men (Eddie Murphy, Clint Smith) ramble to one another.
