Harry Anderson: I can’t believe this! This is my eighth appearance on “Saturday Night Live”. In fact, I really got my start on this show, and, tonight, here right on old “SNL”, I’m gonna make my new start. This is too much.
I’ll explain. You all remember the old Harry Andersom. He’s the guy that used to come on this show and he’d run a needle through his arm, or he’d beat on his wife, or he’d drop his pants to show his comedy underwear. Well, I’m here tonight to tell you that Harry Anderson doesn’t do that stuff any more. Nope. That was Harry the Hat, Harry the Con, Harry the Geek.
Now.. I’m Harry the Judge. And life is different on Thursdays at 9:30, 8:30 Central. It’s all different for me now. I got my house in Beverly Hills, I got my condo in Palm Springs, I got my sleek exotic cars, the lawyers who tried to lock me up I got ’em on retainer now, I even got my face on the covers of national magazines. It’s all different. It’s not like the old days. The old Harry, he’d see someone like.. like you! And he’d say something like, “Hey, nice outfit – what, they had a one-cent sale at the mortuary?” But I don’t do that any more. No more: “Who picked the tie – Ray Charles?” That was the old Harry.. but he’s gone.
Tonight, I want to introduce you to the new me. No more scams, no more angles, just good, clean fun. Harry Anderson, family entertainer.. [ pulls out a guinea pig in a cage ] ..and his pal, Skippy. This is Skippy, he’s a guinea pig, he’s my best friend. What’s that, Skippy? [ puts his ear to the cage ] He’s says hi, everybody, isn’t he cute! And wait ’til you see what he does, guys! Come on out, Skip, come on out, they’re waiting for you!
[ dumps Skippy out of the cage ]
He loves it when I do that, he’s such a good sport! And he does impressions, look at this – James Cagney: [ squeezes Skippy ] “You dirty rat! You ate my brother’s cheese!” I was just kidding, that was really me! He doesn’t do impressions, Skippy does acrobatic tricks, right, Skip? [ props Skippy on the stool and demonstrates ] Sit! [ Skippy doesn’t move ] Good boy! Good boy! He’s a little nervous, we gotta start him with something simple. Roll over, Skip. Roll over. Come on, boy, how about a backflip. Oh, well, maybe live TV is a little more pressure than I thought on the poor guy.. uh, we’ll start off with something he could do with his little pink eyes shut. This is his favorite. [ holds up tiny hoop ] Skip, the jump through the hoop. Come on, this is live! Okay, jump through the hoop! Can I have a drumroll, please? Come on, boy, like you did at rehearsal, come on! One big jump, Skippy! [ stops ] Ah, forget it! Skip? Skip, I don’t understand, what’s the problem? Oh. He says he can’t work with a Caucasian drummer. Well, Skip, I’m sorry, that’s no excuse boy. You know the rules. New Harry or no, you know the rules – you don’t work, you don’t live.
… Christopher Guest Caspar Weinberger … Rich Hall Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal … Waylon Jennings … Johnny Cash … Christopher Reeve
[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.
[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to a squinting Chris Guest, in suit and tieand seated at the news desk — his hair a wet,disheveled mess because it had to be washed after heplayed the oily-haired Phil in the previoussketch.]
Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:
An SNL News weather advisory. The temperature here inNew York is a warm eighty-two degrees with thehumidity a comfortable fifty-four. However, the windis from the north at two hundred and sixty-five milesan hour … which, of course, is creating a wind chillfactor of ninety-one degrees below zero. … So bundleup — but take your sunglasses. …
Even though it has undergone extensive criticism forwaste, fraud and cost overruns, the Defense Departmentis asking for a record 285 billion dollars for 1986.With a response to this criticism, we have DefenseSecretary Caspar Weinberger standing by at thePentagon. [Chris turns to Weinberger who appears onthe screen behind him] Mr. Weinberger, what do youhave to say to the nation’s rising tide of resentmentagainst military spending?
Caspar Weinberger: [shakes his head sadly]Bounces right off of me, Chris. I’m not gonna backdown. I want 285 billion dollars. I am intractable onthat. I’ve said over and over and over, there’snothing more important than the defense of this nationand yet every year I have to go in front of Congress,I have to fight tooth and nail to get every penny todefend this country and I’m just not gonna do it anymore. I have my dignity. I’m not gonna plead any more.I’m not gonna wheedle. I’m simply – gonna hold mybreath till I get 285 billion dollars. …
Christopher Guest: Mr. Weinberger, perhaps youcould– [Weinberger puffs out his cheeks and holds hisbreath] … scuttle the MX program? [Weinberger shakeshis head “no”] … Maybe overhaul the bloated militarypension. [Weinberger checks his wristwatch, shakes hishead, waves dismissively at Chris’ suggestion] …What about – what about those eight hundredseventy-nine dollar claw hammers? Fine. Then just keepholding your breath, Mr. Weinberger, and we’ll checkback with you later. [Weinberger nods, Chris addressesthe camera] Secretary of Defense CasparWeinberger.
The Bernhard Goetz saga continues to unfold with asecond victim now suing the subway sheriff forviolating his civil rights. First, the family of ahospitalized victim filed a federal court suitdemanding fifty million dollars in damages. This week,another victim was in court asking for five milliondollars – to which Goetz reportedly replied, “Sure.I’ve got five million – for each of you.” …
[Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing] Only fourmore days till Valentine’s Day so we’d like to do ourannual tribute to romance. What better place to startthan the Reagan White House. [gentle romantic musiccreeps in under the following] The Reagans areprobably the most affectionate presidential couplesince Ulysses S. Grant and his lovely wife Darlene …who reportedly recreated the burning of Atlanta in theLincoln bedroom. … [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagancuddling indoors] Ron and Nancy love to kiss inprivate. [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing asmilitary men look on] And in public. They have noshame. [Photo of Nancy Reagan kissing Frank Sinatra]At least, Nancy doesn’t. … They just go on -[another photo of Ron and Nancy kissing] and on -[another photo] and on – and on. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging former Secretary of State HenryKissinger] Even Ron needs a break now and then. …That’s his old pal Henry Kissinger. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging someone in a giant bear costume] Andhis daughter Maureen. … [Photo of Ronald Reaganhugging someone in a giant dog costume] And his newdog Lucky. …
Of course, affection in high places isn’t restrictedto this administration. [Photo of Jimmy Carter kissingJacqueline Kennedy] Jimmy Carter and JacquelineKennedy, the original odd couple. … [Photo ofbare-chested Prince Charles and unidentified woman]That’s Britain’s Prince Charles and — anybody. …[Photo of Cuban leader Fidel Castro embracing DanielOrtega] Fidel Castro and Nicaraguan president Ortegaat a romantic Club Med in the Caribbean. … [Photo ofthe Rev. Jesse Jackson and a smiling Palestinianleader Yasser Arafat embracing] Here’s an affectionatepair. … Eh? Actually, Reverend Jackson is a mostaffectionate person. He loves to hug. [Photo ofJackson hugging a man] And embrace. [Photo of Jacksonembracing someone] And kiss. [Photo of Jackson kissingan elderly white woman] And hug some more. [Photo ofJackson hugging an elderly black woman] And hisaffection has no religious boundaries. [Photo ofJackson with his arm around Jewish entertainer SammyDavis, Jr.] … Of course, Pope John Paul II is anaffectionate man. [A series of photos of the Popekissing various airport runways] … He loves to kissairports … no matter where he lands. … It’srumored that he’s spread mononucleosis all over theworld. … And here he is at Orly Airport in Pariswhere the question arose: did he French kiss thetarmac? … We’ll never know. Happy Valentine’s Day.[applause]
Returning home after two years of exile in America,South Korean opposition leader Kim Dae-Jung and hisentourage were beaten, kicked, punched and shoved uponlanding at Seoul’s Kimpo International Airport. TheSouth Korean government, however, denied anywrongdoing, claiming that Kim and his group hadignored repeated orders to, quote, “Wait until theaircraft comes to a complete stop before moving itemsfrom the overhead racks.” …
Let’s check back now with Mr. Weinberger and see ifthere are any further developments. [Weinberger,cheeks still puffed out, looks at his wristwatch withmassively bulging eyeballs that nearly pop out oftheir sockets] … Caspar? [Weinberger shakes his headand waves dismissively at Chris] Caspar, you haven’tbacked down yet I see. Fine.
After being out of sight for several weeks, Sovietpremier Konstantin [mangles the pronunciation andkeeps trying till he gets it right] Chernenko – orKonstantin Chernenko – Chernenko – Chernenko hasfinally turned up at the Betty Ford RehabilitationCenter in Palm Springs. …
This week, a Senate subcommittee heard arguments forand against the banning of beer ads from TV. Opponentsof the commercials say that beer ads glamorize alcoholand contribute to its abuse. [belches] … ‘Scuse me…. Personally, I disagree but we’ll have more on thatstory as details come up.
Once again, from the Pentagon, holding his breathuntil he gets 285 billion dollars, here is CasparWeinberger. [Weinberger’s head, now an inflatedballoon with a face painted on it, abruptly collapseswith a squishy popping noise] … Well, there you haveit. Caspar Weinberger.
Christopher Guest: Now, with a restaurantreview, our special reporter, a legend in comedy, Mr.Buddy Young, Jr.
[Applause for Buddy, a cigar-chomping, middle-agedinsult comedian who wears an ugly maroon tuxedo. Heencourages the applause as his cheesy nightclub thememusic plays. Chris, meanwhile, is drying his hair witha towel.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: Thank you very much, Chris.By the way, I spoke to your doctor — you diedThursday. [rolls his eyes] … Anyway, Valentine’s Dayis coming. What a stupid holiday — give candy tosomebody you love to give pimples to, you don’t wannasee ’em no more! [mild reaction from crowd, Buddyrepeats vehemently:] See ’em no more! … [mildreaction from crowd]
Anyway, what’s more romantic than Hawaiian food?Plaster of Paris! I’ll tell ya that. At least, it’sFrench. Anyway– [zero reaction from crowd, Buddylooks annoyed] This is a rough room. … I go to the,uh– [to Chris] I spoke to the mortician — he said,”Just drop by!” [makes a face] …
So I go to this Hawaiian joint, “Don Ho’s Blue Flame.”I walk in there — I never seen so many bad shirts inone room in my life! … The shirts are louder thanthe music. Which is okay. Have you heard Hawaiianmusic? It’s not music — sounds like a cat in heat,this stuff, I’ll tell ya that right now. [Buddybriefly mimics Hawaiian music, another weak reaction]Get out of here. [to the cue card guy] Skip the card!Then … The Hawaiian language is nuts. It’s not alanguage. What are they belching? Wukka-wukka-mukka-lukka-wukka! Mukka-lukka-wukka![more weak response from crowd, to the cue card guy] Itold you, skip the card! Then …
This waiter, big sweaty guy, brings over the firstthing. It’s called poi! Could you eat somethingcalled poi? He comes over, he says, “Youhaven’t touched your poi.” I said, “Flush it down thepoilet!” I’ll tell ya that right now. …[crowd finally gets into it, rim shot, Buddy says todrummer:] Thank you! Where the hell–? What’d you do,come by bus? … [applause]
You know, I’m like Woody Herman: I fly, they go bybus. Anyway– [crowd doesn’t get it] Then he brings mean appetizer. [off the obscure reference to jazzmusician Woody Herman] That’s one for the band.[continues his review] They bring an appetizer. It’scalled a puu-puu platter! … What’s appetizing aboutpuu-puu? I’ll tell ya that. I’m a grown man, I havetrouble going across a table saying, “Excuse me, can Ihave some more puu-puu?” … And the guy goes, “I’msorry, I’m still working on my poi!” … Then,they bring the main thing. Two fat kids with a flamingthing on parallel bars. I say, “What the hell is that– Mary Lou Retton?” … It’s disgusting! It’s a pig,they tell me. … They tell me it’s a pig! Folks[raises a hand to the crowd, slight pause] — I’m aJew. … The only thing I could eat was theapple. I’ll tell ya that. … And they HEATTHAT! Who the hell heats fruit?! … You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about? [points to his mouth] I got athing hangin’ here from a – from a pineapple thatburned me. It was disgusting. … I’ll tell ya, it’snuts. [to Chris who is cracking up] Try to cheer down,Chris — you got the job. …
But let me tell ya this, folks. You like Italian food,huh? Huh? Then don’t go to this Hawaiian place! [zeroreaction, Buddy peers up at the silent balcony] What’dyou do, come from New Jersey? … What exit, babe,huh? … [rises from desk, grabs a hand mike and headsdown to the audience] I tell ya, folks, it’s wild,it’s nuts, this Hawaiian thing. It’s taken thecountry– [to a bearded man with a black cowboy hatsitting in the front row] Hello, how ya doin’? Hey, Iknow you. Jesse James, am I right? … What’s yourname, sir?
Waylon Jennings: Waylon Jennings.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Yeah, right. [cheers andapplause for the popular country singer who, with hishat and long hair, resembles a Hasidic Jew] So, uh,let me ask you this, Waylon — when did ya go Hasid onus here with the hat and the thing? … I tell ya,it’s too wacky. [to another man in the front row] Andyou must be, er–?
Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash. [cheers and applausefor the legendary singer who sits next to his wifeJune Carter Cash]
Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? … You know whatI’m sayin’? [fingers Johnny’s multi-coloredneckerchief] Good to see you workin’ with new colorsthese days, Johnny. … Do you believe he’s got thePortuguese flag around his throat? … Johnny, fromthe bottom of my heart — it’s over. You knowwhat I’m sayin’? … [to the crowd] No, seriously. Ikid Johnny — he’s a big star. [to Johnny] Does JackLord know you have his hair? … [Johnny really cracksup at this, the crowd cheers and applauds, Buddy putsa friendly hand on Johnny’s shoulder] How ya doin’?It’s a pleasure. I’m wild about this guy. Wild abouthim. What a night! [shakes hands with a big-haired manin the second row who appears to be country singerMarty Stuart] How ya doin’? What’d you do, sit onsomething electric when you came in? … [shakes handswith a handsome man wearing a pullover sweater in thesecond row] I know you, big guy, huh? What’s yourname?
Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Chris, right. [cheers andapplause for the actor best remembered as Superman]Yes. And I’m Sabu. … Right, Christopher Reeve.That’s really wild. [to a woman sitting next to Reeveand wearing big earrings] Look, what d’you got,kryptonite in your earrings there? … See? I’mtopical! Berle said I’m not topical! You know, thisHawaiian thing is gettin’ me nuts. [to Chris at thenews desk] You know what it is, though, Chris? What weneed is love today! We don’t– [points to the balcony]You got love up there?! [crowd responds positively]Hey, how ya doin’? We don’t have love! We need lovetoday! [Buddy, returning to his seat, nearly hits hisgroin against the news desk] Oh! Excuse me! Ho! I wasalmost Jewish again! …
[Buddy sits] I tell ya, it’s wild. [to the front rowcelebrities] You guys are good sports. [to the crowd]But, bottom line, folks, I’ll tell ya this– Bott–Who–? [Buddy’s microphone cord has gotten caught onthe desk, he tries to pull it loose] What’d I do,catch a halibut? … I tell ya, it’s too wacky. …[glares at a gum-chewing Christopher Guest who istrying to keep a straight face] Who does your hair,Chris — a tornado? I’ll tell ya that right now, it’swild. [to the crowd] Bottom line, folks, “Don Ho’sBlue Flame” stinks! [drops the mike on the deskwith disgust] Back to you, Chris. Get out ofhere.
[Buddy’s theme music begins. Cheers and applause asChris salutes the crowd.]
Christopher Guest: Good night!
[Buddy and Chris rise, stand behind the desk andconverse as we fade out.]
[Greasy-haired Ricky, in his red, white and bluebowling shirt, approaches the window of his Brooklynapartment and peers out at the falling snow.]
Ricky: Ooh, wow. Look at the snow. It’s really,really unbelievable! I can’t believe it! Mustbe two feet down there. Hate to be a midget on a daylike this! [laughs his dorky laugh] It is really,really so amazing, it’s unbelievable! [turns from thewindow to the closed bathroom door] Hey! Hey, Phil!What are you doin’ in there? You all right?
[Ricky rolls his eyes as he hears the toilet flush.His roommate Phil, with slicked-back hair and a loudbrown shirt, emerges a moment later.]
Ricky: Hey, what took you so long? I was gonnasend out a search party.
Phil: I was readin’!
Ricky: Oh, good. Can I go in my own bathroomnow?
Phil: I’d let it simmer down if I wasyou.
Ricky: Great. Why don’t you eat, like,more Mexican food, all right?
Phil: Why don’t you shave your back, allright?
Ricky: I will. I will. Eh, why don’t you get,like, older underwear, okay? With, like,more holes in it? Matter of fact, why don’t youjust wear a waistband and forget the whole thing,okay?
Phil: You’re a douchebag.
Ricky: Hey!
Phil: Hey, you! Hey!
Ricky: Hey, hey-ey-ey-ey, all right. [Ricky andPhil walk to the kitchen table] What were you readin’in there that took so long?
Phil: This survival magazine. [shows Ricky anad in the magazine] This thing here. Look at this.Look at this. Look at this. Tattooing equipment,here.
Ricky: Uh huh?
Phil: You got your own machinery —
Ricky: Mm hm?
Phil: –designs. Enough to start your ownbusiness. No experience necessary.
Ricky: That’s us! We got noexperience! In every field! [laughs dorkily]Okay. [Ricky and Phil sit at the cluttered kitchentable where a game of Trivial Pursuit is in progress]All right, whose move?
Phil: It’s, uh, your move here.
Ricky: [picks up the die] I’ll go, I’ll go,I’ll go. [blows on die for luck, rolls it] Ooh. Three.[moves game piece] Oh, no! History. [turns away, putshand to face and rolls his eyes as Phil carefullypulls a card from the box]
Phil: [reads from card] “What famous presidentis on the five dollar bill?” [Phil stares at Rickywhose eyes are shut — after a pause, he starts again]”What famous pr–?”
Ricky: I heard you the first time! Give meanother one. [annoyed, Phil sighs] Come on.
Phil: [reads from card] “What animal does woolcome from?”
Phil: [reads from card] “What classic–? Whodirected — who directed what classic GermanExpressionistic film called, Cabinet of Dr.Caligari?”
Ricky: [immediately and rapidly] The picturewas made in 1919, directed by Robert Weine, with ascreenplay by Carl Mayer and Hans Janowitz,cinematography by Willy Hameister.
Phil: You’re right.
Ricky: This game is so easy! It’sunbelievable! [laughs] I tell you this, Phil,when I know all that stuff about cinema and stuff, itconvinces me that what I was born to do is to direct amajor motion picture.
Phil: Why don’t you direct your face to a bigbottle of mouthwash in the bathroom, all right? Thisis crazy here.
Ricky: Okay, I would like to go into thebathroom but it smells like a possum exploded inthere!
Phil: Hey, Doody-head, you do me a favor,right?
Ricky: Right.
Phil: You know so much about the movies,right?
Ricky: Right.
Phil: You answer me a question here. [picks upa newspaper] These Academy Award nominations,here?
Ricky: Right, right.
Phil: You explain this to me. For “BestPicture,” right?
Ricky: Okay.
Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Passage toIndia”?
Ricky: Right.
Phil: Right? [reads from newspaper] “Soldier’sStory”?
Ricky: Good.
Phil: [reads from newspaper] “Amadeus”?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]
Ricky: Right.
Phil: I mean, what is this here? What happenedto these good pictures like “Avenging Angel,” youknow?
Ricky: Mm hm.
Phil: And, like, “The Terminator”? You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about here?
Ricky: Mm hm. Mm hm.
Phil: Well, I mean, what–? Not to mention”Silver Spoons”! With that kid, uh — what’s his name?– Ricky Schreiber?
Ricky: Mm.
Phil: He’s great!
Ricky: He’s unbelievable! But I got totell you this, Phil. You gotta understand. It’s likeall politics in Hollywood out there. It’s, like, whoyou play, like, tennis with, you know, and who you eatguacamole with, you know? It’s like, you gottaunderstand the inner workings of the Academy of Artsand Leisure.
Phil: You’re right, know that?
Ricky: Mm hm.
Phil: Let’s – let’s do this.
Ricky: What?
Phil: Let’s each of us take a poll, allright?
Ricky: Okay.
Phil: We’ll each chip in one dollar apiece,right?
Ricky: Okay, okay.
Phil: And then we’ll mark down who we thinkshould win what award, all right?
Ricky: Absolutely!
Phil: All right, here we go. Who do you thinkfor “Best Actor”?
Ricky: “Best Actor”?
Phil: Right.
Ricky: Let’s see, let’s see. I’m gonna pickthis guy, this F. Murray Abraham.
Phil: The guy from “Amadeus,” right?[mispronounced “uh-MADE-EE-us”]
Ricky: Right.
Phil: Why?
Ricky: Because, see, he’s got a trick name.See? It’s F-period-Murray Abraham, see? You knowanybody named “F”? You ever call up anybody and go”Hello? Is ‘F’ there?” No, right? So, when the Academyguys, they gotta vote, they go “Who could be, like, aBest Actor?” and they think, “Oooh! The F guy! He mustbe really, really great ’cause he got a F for a name.”See? That’s how they think.
Phil: That’s pretty smart.
Ricky: Yeah. Now, who you gonna pick for “BestActor,” hm?
[As Phil speaks, Ricky rises, goes to the kitchensink, pulls two fresh cans of beer from a six-packchilling there, and returns with them to thetable.]
Phil: Pinocchio. That guy is great. That guy isgreat. You know, he’s amazing. First, he was wood. Andthen he’s sort of real. And then he’s like part of adonkey, you know? Then he’s like swimming underwaterand everything. I mean, this guy was great!
Ricky: Is it possible, Phil, that there issomebody in this world who is stupider than you?Pinocchio? Pinocchio’s not real. He’s acartoon.
Phil: [stares at Ricky in disbelief]Cartoon?
Ricky: Yeah.
Phil: [after a beat] That’s a good make-up jobhe’s got.
Ricky: [sits, sets beer on table] You are sostupid, it’s unbelievable! You are so stupid,you are unbelievable!
Phil: I’m stupid?
Ricky: Right.
Phil: Let me ask you a question, all right?
Ricky: Okay.
Phil: Would it be possible for you to havemore blackheads on your forehead? Could you dothat for me? [Ricky nods ironically] Good.
Ricky: Could you bathe, like, less in your lifeso it stinks more under your armpits? Could you dothat for me?
Phil: Sure.
Ricky: You got waves of that stuff comin’off.
Phil: Sure, sure, if you’ll do this for me.Maybe have more dandruff, all right?
Ricky: Okay.
Phil: So when you’re eating, more big flakes ofthings will fall down onto your fish sticks. Do thatfor me, all right?
Ricky: I will do that for you when you pickyour nose more in church, all right? [mimespicking his nose] Get your hand right up inside yourskull. Get both hands up there so yougot–
Phil: Why don’t you do me a favor? Do me afavor.
Ricky: –two elbows comin’ out of your noselike this and go, “What is that? What is that?” “It’selbows!”
Phil: Hey, hey, hey!
Ricky: What?
Phil: Schnaubel!
Ricky: What?
Phil: Get more dirt under your nails,all right?
Ricky: Okay.
Phil: More filth. Infect the whole borough ofBrooklyn, all right?
Ricky: That’s very good.
Phil: Do me a favor.
Ricky: I will do that. Why don’t you killmore plants in the neighborhood with thetoe-jam in your feet, all right? [mimes plants keelingover] Like, plants goin’ “Whoa,” like that! “Whoa,”like that!
Phil: [raises both hands] Truce! Truce! Truce!Truce! Truce!
Ricky: Okay. [points to newspaper] “BestActress”?
Phil: Sally Field.
Ricky: Why?
Phil: ‘Cause she was so good in “The Singin’Nun.”
Ricky: You are amazingly dumb. I tell you thatright now. It’s a good thing that you’re not in theAcademy ’cause the votes’d get like really, reallyscrewed up. You’d, like, vote for Flipper or somethinglike that. I’ll tell you that right now. [Ricky andPhil pop the tops on their beer cans] You know, Phil?I got me a idea. [laughs] We do this. We take a bus toLos Angeles, right?
Phil: Right.
Ricky: We get out to there before the AcademyAwards. Take a day to get over the bus lag.
Phil: Right.
Ricky: But then, we go to the Academy Awardsthemselves, right? We sneak in there and we find thetwo guys who guard the ballots. They’re, uh–
Phil: Price and Porterhouse!
Ricky: Right! We go up to these guys, right?Oh, this is so good. And we give ’em a conk on thehead, right?
Phil: Right.
Ricky: We knock ’em out cold. Take off theirshirts. Give ’em a pink belly!
Phil: Right.
Ricky: [laughs] And then we take ourwinners and we exchange ’em for theirwinners.
Phil: Place ’em! So then when Gregory Peck –the guy from “Moby Dick,” right?
Ricky: Right.
Phil: He comes out. He says, like, “The bestpicture o’ the year is–” and he opens theenvelope–
Ricky: Right.
Phil: –please — “Avenging Angel”!
Ricky: Right! [laughs] It would beunbelievable!
Phil: That would be great! That’s a deal,right?
Ricky: It’s a deal! [they shake handsenthusiastically] Okay! All right!
Ricky & Phil: [happily grabbing two dispensers,they press them together] Pez people! Mmmmm. Oooooh.[they each dispense Pez candy into their mouths, thenreturn to the game]
Ricky: All right, whose turn is thisnow?
Phil: Whose turn is it? It’s your turn. My–?No. I don’t know whose turn it is.
Ricky: How could you not know whose turn it is?Would you have a less of an IQ, is thatpossible?
Phil: Yeah, when your head gets smaller. Couldit get, like, a golf ball? That would be good.
Ricky: My head gets smaller?
Phil: Then I could crush it. Yeah,sure.
Ricky: Yeah, great. Could you have moregrease stains on your elbows?
Phil: I might be able to but–
[Applause drowns out the rest. Dissolve to a widerview of the set and the Studio 8H audience.Fade.]
Fernando…..Billy Crystal …..Teri Garr …..Susan Lucci …..Morgan Fairchild Robert Latta…..Rich Hall …..Lynn Swann …..Ann-Margaret
[ open on Fernando standing outside of Radio City Music Hall ]
Fernando: Saludos, my darlings. I am Fernando, standing outside historic Radio City Music Hall, where tommorow the Night of 100 Stars is going to take place. It is totally sold out, it is so exciting, I am crazy going nuts. I am standing here in a gray cashmere coat and a towel that Red Buttons gave to me. And we are going to go inside and meet some of the 100 stars. So, let’s go in, because I am freezing my castanets off, I’ll tell you that right now!
[ dissolve to Fernando inside, talking with Teri Garr ]
Fernando: If I said to you, my friends, “Mr. Mom”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, “Tootsie”, Academy Award nomination, you would probably think to yourself: Teri Garr. And that’s what I’m thinking, because she’s really here. And I’m telling you, you look mahvelous, darling, you really do. Tell me, what do you think about this whole night of 100 stars? I’m going nuts here!
Teri Garr: Me, too. I’m just so nervous, I’m nervous as a cat.
Fernando: You are nervous. But you such a big star, darling. First of all, what is all these hairs on your sweater? Was Lorne Green rolling around on your body for a little while?
Teri Garr: It’s from a coat I bought, on sale.
Fernando: That is why, you know that, I’ll tell you that right now.
[ dissolve ]
Fernando: Teri, let me ask you this: you know, how do you prepare for a role? When you played Tootsie, and you have to get dressed up as a man to go out and get a job.. that must be very difficult to lace up and tighten things down to do that.
Teri Garr: You know, Fernando, I didn’t do that, I didn’t dress up as a man. Dustin dressed up as a woman in that movie. Did you see that movie, “Tootsie”?
Fernando: Sure.
Teri Garr: It was about role reversal. He dressed up as a woman. I didn’t dress up as a man.
Fernando: [ silent ] Jack Warner once said to, I think it was Tyrone Power, “Stop doing that.”
[ dissolve ]
Fernando: Who does not, to you, look that good? Let’s just dish for a while. Who do you think don’t look so hot?
Teri Garr: No, I can’t say!
Fernando: Yes, you can. In what direction?
Teri Garr: No, I really can’t! [ laughs ]
Fernando: Will you tell me later? And then I’ll tell them!
[ flip over to Fernando talking with Susan Lucci ]
Fernando: You look mahvelous, darling. You know, if I said to you the name Erica Kane, would you not crazy go nuts, do a somersault and have a frozen yogurt that you could not have because it’s so cold and you get a headache right here? Susan Lucci, you are a fantastic talent, and, of course, the show, which some of you sit there in your lawn chairs in your living room, because they cannot get away, is, of course, “All My Days of My Life”.
[ dissolve ]
Fernando: Would you say that some of the guys say, “Ooh, I’m going to little tongue into your mouth.” Do you dever get a guy who’s just a little too fresh with you on the set?
Susan Lucci: Many times. It is a terrible problem, but I carry Vasatrasin with me at all times. I put it right on, I’m fine.
Fernando: What is that?
Susan Lucci: Vasatrasin? You must have Vasatrasin!
Fernando: I’m from Spain, we only have wild dogs. I don’t know what that means!
Susan Lucci: It’s an antibiotic. You just put it right on your mouth, and you’re suddenly germ-free.
Fernando: Is that true?
Susan Lucci: Yeah!
Fernando: Could I borrow some of that, because I’m going on the road right after –
Susan Lucci: [ laughs ] You’ll need it!
Fernando: I’m telling you that, right now. There’s so much of that jerpes going around, you have to be careful!
[ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Fairchild ]
Fernando: Deep down inside, when I look at you, you look mahvelous.
Morgan Fairchild: Thank you.
Fernando: Have you heard from.. [ wanderer Robert Latta wanders into the scene ] Hello. Can you take my picture? [ Robert snaps a picture ] Thank you, darling. Who are you?
Robert Latta: Robert Latta.
Fernando: Robert Latta? Are you one of the 100 stars?
Robert Latta: No, I just wandered in.
[ flip over to Fernando talking with Morgan Lynn Swann ]
Fernando: You played in, uh, how many of the games that they call the, uh.. the Super Bowl?
Lynn Swann: The Super Bowl. I played in, uh.. four of them.
Fernando: Four Super Bowls. Is that a world record?
Lynn Swann: No, no, it’s not a world record. But it’s close, it’s close.
Fernando: Uh-huh. What is the craziest thing that peopel have said? You know, because I have been a fan of yours for so long, you know, and we’ve seen most of the movies that you have been in. Tell me this: is Terry Bradshaw as dumb as people say?
Lynn Swann: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know!
Fernando: And I don’t mean this is a stoop to get him to say something about Terry! I was shocked when I –
Lynn Swann: Somebody said he couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the C and the T. Of course, that guy’s not playing football any more!
Fernando: That’s true! The C and..? [ confused ] Anyway, darling..
[ dissolve to Fernando standing alone in the hall ]
Fernando: My friends, this is Fernando saying I’ve had a fantastic at the Night of 100 Stars. If you listen closely.. [ listens ] You hear that? Isaac Stern and Itzhak Perlman are jamming! Fantastic. When these two guys get tohether, all hell breaks loose. And I have met and spoke to some of the stars here, they are marvelous stars. I am so disappointed Hal Linden said no, but what are you going to do? And, uh.. [ looks over and spots Ann-Margaret sitting alone ] Oh, this.. Hello. Ann-Margaret?
Ann-Margaret: Yes.
Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando. Could we talk just for a second?
Ann-Margaret: Yes.
Fernando: This is, to me, the greatest of all the stars. This is an amazing thing to me. It’s so nice of you to drop by, Ann. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! This is like my heart went to Miami to visit my mother!
[ dissolve ]
Fernando: Let me ask you this: your best work? “Viva Las Vegas”. Yes or no? What do you think?
Ann-Margaret: Uh.. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I think the hardest thing I ever did – the roughest – was “Streetcar”.
Fernando: “Streetcar Named Desire”. You worked with a Mr. Treat Williams.
Ann-Margaret: Yes. As a matter of fact, he’s over here. [ points off screen ]
Fernando: Who is over here. [ waves ] Hello, Treat. [ not acknowledged ] No.
[ dissolve to Ann-Margaret kissing Fernando on the cheek ]
Fernando V/O: Well, we chatted, and Ann and I both realzied that it was I who indeed looked mahvelous. And she laid one on me, right there.
[ dissolve to Fernando in Studio 8H ]
Fernando: And I tell you, my friends, thank God I had my Vasatrasin, I’ll tell you that right now! But, Ann, you’re a mahvelous star. And after seeing all these great stars, including Charles Bronson himself, my friends, who, when I approached him, as I came up to him, he said, “Die, before I kill you!” He’s some joking guy, I’ll tell you that right now, my friends! But after seeing these mahbelous stars, I know once and for all, my friends, that is much better to look good than to feel good. You know who you are!
Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend ofSaturday Night Live, Steven Wright!
[Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearlycatatonic stand-up comic with the frizzyhair.]
Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks….
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…. I got a full house and four people died….
I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, butI only need them when I read so I got flip-ups….
I have a map of the United States, it’s actual size…. It says, “One mile equals one mile.” …
I spent the day watching live animation. … Later, Iwas arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli….
I was once walking through the forest alone and a treefell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it….
I’m planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album thatteaches you the language — you put the album on, youput headphones on, you learn the language while you’resleeping. During the night, the record skipped. … Igot up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish…. When I go, I’m flying. I’m flying Air Bizarre.It’s a good airline, you buy a combination one-wayround-trip ticket. … You leave any Monday and theybring you back the previous Friday. … That way, youstill have the weekend. …
Sometimes, you can’t hear what I’m sayin’, it’s ’causesometimes I’m in parentheses. …
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out mywindow, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellitepicture. …
I went to the hardware store and bought some usedpaint. … It was in the shape of a house. … I alsobought some batteries, but they weren’t included. …So I had to buy ’em again. …
It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got ahumidifier and a dehumidifier. … I put ’em in thesame room and let ’em fight it out. … [cheers andapplause — after a slight pause, Wright says, witheven less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. …
There’s a pizza place near where I live that onlysells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin’ upa triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]…
I went to a museum where they had all the heads andarms from the statues that are in all the othermuseums. … I had trouble goin’ home from there’cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I cameback, the entire area was gone. … For a while, Ididn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. But I hadnowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to itand leave it runnin’. …
When I was baby, I kept a diary. … Recently, I wasrereading it. It said, “Day One: Still tired from themove.” … “Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m anidiot.” …
I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focuson purpose. … So, when the police stop me, they go–[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at thelicense, then handing it back to the driver] Here, youcan go. … One time, they stopped me for speeding andthey said, “Don’t you know the speed limit isfifty-five miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know. ButI wasn’t gonna be out that long.” …
… Christopher Guest … Jim Belushi … Don Pardo Paul Harvey … Rich Hall Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal … Calvert DeForest
[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.
[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated atthe news desk.]
Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:
Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder leftLouisville’s Humana Hospital today to live in a nearbyapartment. A special van transporting him stalled inthe driveway. But, fortunately, Schroeder’s heart isequipped with jumper cables. … Trip continuedwithout further incident.
Who is this man? [Photo of man in sunglassesand hat] And this man? [Photo of same man inseed cap] And this man? [Photo of same man inhardhat] And this man? [Photo of same man incowboy hat] Believe it or not, they are allthis man — [Photo of same man wearing no hat]– new Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. … It’sbeen reported that he wears all those hats to coverthe birthmark on his head. However, SNL News haslearned that it is NOT a birthmark — it’s an aerialmap of the Philippine Islands [Photo of map] … leftover from Gorbachev’s Soviet espionage days….
In New York this week, the ASPCA has accused theRingling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus ofpresenting a fake unicorn, charging it is actually agoat with a surgically-implanted horn. A circusspokesperson has denied the charge, saying that theanimal is a sheep that suddenly sat down on abroomstick. …
[Photo of veterinarian reaching into a horse’s mouth]Famed jockey Willie Shoemaker was swallowed by a racehorse this morning … at an upstate track. Theveterinarian shown here trying to remove Shoemakerfrom the horse’s throat says it happens quite oftenwith hungry horses and small jockeys. …
Christopher Guest: And now, here with acommentary, is Saturday Night Live’s critic-at-largeJim Belushi. Jim? [applause]
Jim Belushi: Thank you, Chris. You know, I, uh,I love this country – uh – it’s been good to myfamily. It’s – it’s been great to me. I – You know, Idon’t like to say anything really bad about it but–But they did one stupid thing. They broke up AT&T.Y’know, we used to have like the BEST DAMN telephonesystem in the universe. But not any more. Not since -not since the trust busters broke up AT&T. Haveyou tried callin’ Information lately? [picks up aphone] I mean, y’know, they give you the number. Theysay the number is [imitates computer voice]”Five-Five-Five One-TWO-Four-NINE.” … And I say”THANK YOU” TO A RECORDING! … [pulls air horn fromunder desk, points it toward the phone and blasts thehorn noisily] … You know, I wanna talk to a humanbeing!
And call waiting! I HATE – I hate call waiting.Y’know, I’m in the middle of a conversation. I’mtalkin’ to somebody and hear this annoying littleclick. Click-click-CLICK! Right? And they say, “Holdon for a second,” right? And I know – hey, Iknow what’s gonna happen. The other call’sgonna be A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ME! … I mean,you know, how can I possibly have anything reallygreat to say?! They come back on the line and say,[imitates wimpy phone friend] “You know, uh, can Icall you right back?” … And I say– [pulls out airhorn again and blasts the phone] … YOU’RE NEVERGONNA CALL ME BACK! …
And then I get a BILL that you need to go to COMPUTERCAMP to EVEN READ! … And they’re charging you forthings that they aren’t supposed– that are supposedto be free. Y’know, I’m – I’m tryin’ to get myemotional life together and, since the break-up,they’ve been chipping away at it. Y’know what Imean? It used to be when you smashed a phone againstthe wall or threw it out the window, the phone companywould give you a brand new phone in twenty-four hours.No, now they call up– You call ’em up and they tellya, “Go to the phone store.” A phonestore! [imitates man talking to woman] “Okay,honey, I’m gonna go pick up a dozen eggs, a quart ofmilk, and a PHONE!” …
[holds up a check] And what about this?! What isthis?! A pay phone ate my quarter. They send mea check for twenty-five cents! … What am I supposedto do with this?! Take off o’ work, go to the bank …wait in line for a half hour … Get to the teller,she says, “How would you like this, Mr. Belushi? Allin NICKELS? … Two dimes and a nickel or twenty-fivepennies?!” [blasts the check with the air horn] …DON’T BE A WISE-ASS! …
[imitates mincing operator] “Thank you for callingAT&T.” [drops the check with disgust, it slides offthe desk, cheers and applause] Back to you,Chris.
Christopher Guest: Thank you. [Belushi honkshis horn once more, this time at Chris who cringes alittle] Ooh.
A new religious item came out this week. [holds up analbum full of cassette tapes] “Francis the TalkingBible.” … The complete Old and New Testamentsrecorded by Francis. … We can’t play it but it wouldsound something like: [flawlessly imitates 1950sanimal star Francis the Talking Mule] “In thebeginning, God create–” … Something like that.Anyway, I – I recommend this. [closes and puts albumaway]
Yesterday morning, the USA for Africa’s “We Are theWorld” record was broadcast simultaneously onthousands of radio stations including the nationwideMuzak system — the second time in its history thatMuzak has broadcast a human voice. … The first time,of course, was in 1965 when Don Pardo sang the themefrom “Jeopardy” … with a chorus of game show losers…. Don, can you give us a little bit of that?
Don Pardo V/O: [mellow and deeply apologetic]Sorry, Chris. I’ve forgotten it.
Christopher Guest: ‘S’too bad.
Don Pardo V/O: [building to a classic announcerfrenzy] But I can give you a matched set ofSamsonite luggage! … An Amana homefreezer! A round-trip–!
Christopher Guest: Never mind. Now, with aneditorial, here is guest commentator, PaulHarvey.
[Cheers and applause for the chipper, elderlylegendary radio personality who breaks up hissentences into weirdly multi-rhythmicphrases.]
Paul Harvey: Hellooooo, Americans! I’m PaulHarvey! [sudden pause as if in mid-sentence] … Youknow, yesterday morning, I interrupted my radiobroadcast, Chris – to join with billions across theplanet in singing [long pause, breaks into a grin] …”We Are – the World” – it’s true! [rapidly] Sales ofthe record have been phenomenally successful, themoney will go to starving nations. But there’s a lotof bureaucracy involved – money has to become records,records has to become money again, money has to beused to distribute grain. It’s a complicated process.Wouldn’t it be a lot simpler if they could just –eat – the records? … Why not record the songright onto this nutritious pita bread? [holds up aflat round piece of pita bread with a hole in thecenter] … Staple of millions throughout the world.[holds up a small pizza with a hole in it] Or how’bout this individual “We Are the World” pizza? …You know, the wife and I cook these up right in thestudio. I think you’re gonna be amazed at therecording values, Chris. They’re just absolutelyphenomenal. Give a listen – to this. [plays pizza onportable record player, horribly scratchy version of”We Are the World” song is heard]
Christopher Guest: Sounds great, Paul. Soundsgreat. That’s enough of that, okay? [annoyed, reachesover and takes the needle off the record, abruptlyending the song] That’s enough of that.
Paul Harvey: [tries to restart the song] Holdit, I was just getting to the Bruce Springfield partthere! Hold it. …
Christopher Guest: [puts a hand on the recordplayer] No, that’s – that’s fine. Okay? That’s just -that’s enough. Why don’t you just say good night, allright? …
Paul Harvey: Well, you know, there’s also thiszesty tortilla version– [holds up a tortilla with ahole in it] …
Christopher Guest: Just say good night – justsay good night, okay?
Paul Harvey: I’m Paul Harvey – gooodday! [applause]
Christopher Guest: In our last edition, wereported that music superstar Billy Joel had marriedDavid Brinkley. … Well, that’s a simple mistake tomake. Of course, Billy was married to Peter Jennings… who also works at ABC News. Sorry, David….
Before we go on, SNL News, uh, would like to extendour Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter,to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to ourSnake Worshippers of Satan friends, have a nice day….
Christopher Guest: Here’s our residententertainment critic, a legend in comedy, Mr. BuddyYoung, Jr. [Buddy’s cheesy nightclub theme plays,cheers and applause which Buddy encourages – he is acigar-wielding, middle-aged Jewish insult comic in anugly pink and purple tuxedo who talks into a bulkysilver hand microphone]
Buddy Young, Jr.: I tell ya, these movietheaters are nuts! They get me nuts! It’s not like theold days, you go to the neighborhood theater. They gotall these theaters in one, now — they got a duplex, atriplex, a multiplex! And they’re filthy, am I right?!I got a herpes simplex in a quadruplex once! [rimshot] Get out of here! …
I tell ya, it’s nuts. And the food! Ah, the food inthese theaters is nuts. Used to be you get a bag o’popcorn and a Coke — thirty-five cents. Now, thepopcorn comes in a hatbox! … And the sodacomes in ONE size — it’s called TUB O’ COKE!… I tell ya, it’s too nuts, folks, it’s too wild outthere. And the kid who serves it! I mean, he’s apunker, you know? Now you get GREEN hair in yourpopcorn! [rim shot] …
It’s too wild, I’ll tell ya. And these music videosare nuts, too, I’ll tell ya that right now. That seguecost me twelve-fifty. I tell ya, they’re nuts! When Iwas a kid, a song was a song and that was it — am Iright, ladies and gentlemen? What the hell’shappening? Now a movie is a song, a song is a movie.They make no sense, these videos. A guy singin’ aballad — somebody else is putting a midget in ablender! … [glares at the crowd] What is this –the Hinckley jury? … Five, six, seven, I tell ya,it’s nuts! … It’s wild. You can rent movies anyplacenow on cassettes, they got ’em everyplace, they got’em everywhere, I tell ya, it’s crazy. Supermarkets,dry cleaners. My wife comes home from the gynecologist– she says to me, “Honey, I got cystitis andAmadeus!” … I said, “Is it serious?” Shesays, “Parts of it, but the music isbeautiful!” [rim shot] … I tell ya that now,it’s just — [scattered applause] — crawlin’ up myback!
[rises from desk and heads for the audience] I tellya, you know, it gets me nuts! It gets me nuts. [toCraig, a mustachioed, curly-haired man in the frontrow] How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Could ya stand upjust for a second? I love to mingle. [inspects atattoo on Craig’s arm] Hey, what is this? Look atthis. This rub off? You get this from Cheerios orsomething? … This guy’s a biker, he’s gonna stomp myhead to get my face started. I tell ya, it’s the –[Craig playfully reaches for Buddy’s face] Hey. Don’tget cute, all right? … What is this — the SantanaLook-alike Club meeting? … What’s your name,babe?
Craig: Craig.
Buddy Young, Jr.: That’s right. Where yafrom?
Craig: Uniondale.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Uniondale? Where’sthat?
Craig: It’s on Long Island.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Big deal! Sit down! …[Craig sits, Buddy moves to another front row victim]Can I talk to you for a second? You mind standin’ up?[a man who appears to be either very tired or on drugsrises] You okay?
Man: Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You sure?
Man: Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: It’ll kick in any minute.It’s called– … [scattered applause] No, I kid. Ikid this man. Manson’s stuntman … we have here,sitting here. Let me ask you this, babe. Where youfrom?
Man: [quietly] New Rochelle.
Buddy Young, Jr.: New Rochelle? Try to speakup. It’s called “English,” okay? … Nah, it’s apleasure to have you here, no kiddin’. [shakes theman’s hand] Right? [the man sits, Buddy moves on toanother victim, a young clean-cut guy] Oh, I know thisguy. How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Jimmy Olsen!Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Olsen. … [slaps theboy’s cheeks playfully] Get out o’ here, you’re a wiseguy. [to the much older gentleman sitting in the nextseat] Would you mind standin’ up, please, just for asecond? Tell everybody–
[Loud, joyous cheers and applause for elderly,bespectacled character actor Calvert DeForest, betterknown as Larry “Bud” Melman, a popular regular onNBC’s “Late Night with David Letterman” — someoneyells, “Larry ‘Bud’!”]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What’s your name, babe? Anddon’t tell me “Perry White” ’cause I’ll, uh, leave alog here. What’s your name?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: What is it?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? You know what I’msaying to you? … Calvert, people know you, they seemto know you. What’s your real–? People know yourdifferent name?
Calvert DeForest: Yeah. Larry “Bud” Melman.[more cheers and applause]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What do you do,Larry?
Calvert DeForest: [giggles uncontrollably] …Work on the David Letterman–
Buddy Young, Jr.: Try to cheer up, will ya,please, Larry? … [Buddy has his arm around DeForestwho is inching away from him] What are you pullingaway from me–? I’m clean. I took a shower. … Youknow what I’m saying? Oh, it’s wild. That herpes,it’ll get you nuts, I’ll tell ya that. [DeForestcracks up at this] … You’re a good sport, babe. Youready the play the game?
Calvert DeForest: [has no clue but is open toanything] Of course! [laughs, realizing there is nogame to play] …
Buddy Young, Jr.: I faked you, you faked me, weended up here. Let me ask you this.
Calvert DeForest: What?
Buddy Young, Jr.: How are things goin’? What,are you workin’ or what?
Calvert DeForest: Uhhhh. Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You had to think about it?What, you’re up late, huh?
Calvert DeForest: [laughing] Yeah! … For achange.
Buddy Young, Jr.: I love this man. I love -this – man. You still seeing Vicki Carr?
Calvert DeForest: Yes. …
Buddy Young, Jr.: Oh, that’s good. Good luck toboth of you.
Calvert DeForest: Thank you.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You know what I’m sayin’?You’re a lovely guy. This is a great man! [applause]This is a great man! Larry “Bud”! [returns to the deskand sits] No, but we need– And he proves the pointthat what we need is love today. [to the crowd in thebalcony] You got love up there? You got love? [cheersand applause] We got love! They got love. Back to you,Chris. Get out of here. [drops the mike]
Christopher Guest: Thank you very much. That’sall the news. Thank you very much.
[More cheers and applause. Buddy’s theme plays. Buddyand Chris converse. Buddy waves dismissively at thecrowd. Fade.]
Announcer: Yesterday, our champion Rajeev Vindaloo, a private investigator from Kanoga Park, California won over $10,000 in cash and prizes. His challenger is Mindy Williamson, a schoolteacher from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and they’ll be battling it out today on America’s favorite game show –
Announcer: And here’s the man of the half-hour – Jackie Rogers Jr.!
[ Jackie enters singing and dancing ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ singing ] “Who wants a winner, give ’em half a chance Saints and sinners, the love to fill their pants with loot from Uncle Sammy’s treasure chest if you work hard on Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Waaaaaaaaaaddd!”
[ audience applauds ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: You’re so sweet! In the words of the immortal Sally Field, “You like me!! You like me!!” [ laughs ] And, now, to introduce the celebrity guests, here’s my live-in lady, or common-law wife if you will, Angelique!
Angelique: [ enters ] Jackie, our celebrity, Mr. Entertainment himself – Sammy Davis, Jr.! [ Sammy enters ] And, Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan! [ Bob enters ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, my goodness gracious, talk about excitement! Sammy, Day 2! Any thoughts, sir?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I tell you Jacksola.. I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, the private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise or two.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!
Captain Kangaroo: Thank you, Jackie. Just let me say hello to all the boys and girls out there – hello, boys and girls! And I’m tickled pink to be helping Mindy here. And a special thanks to you, Jackie, for paying me in cash. You are paying me in cash, right? No checks. That was the deal!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes, yes.. of course I am, my Captain! [ twirls fingers around his head ] And, Mindy, I heard backstage that you were a little bit shaky, a little bit nervous. Are you feeling better, my lady?
Mindy: Yes! Well.. no.. I guess you would say I’m satil nervous.. I guess.. I thought I wasn’t for a moment, but I was wrong..
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Because, if you run into any trouble, Mindy, you can always contact your old friend Mork from Ork! [ snickers ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ laughing ] You’re nuts!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: I completely made that up, that was an improvisation!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I know it, you lab rat, let’s do this!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: So, you be good! Now, you all know the rules. They’re very much like “Pyramid”, but different. Now, Captain, would you like to give, or would you like to receive?
Captain Kangaroo: Um.. alright, I’ll give.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Great! Now.. the category is “Things You Find in a Circus”. “Things You Find in a Circus”. Captain, get ready, and go.
[ CLOWN ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay.. okay.. this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.
Mindy: A clown!
[ TRAPEZE ARTIST ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.
Mindy: Monkeys!
Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..
Mindy: I don’t know..!
Captain Kangaroo: Next one!
[ RINGMASTER ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..
Mindy: A clown!
Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!
Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!
Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!
[ LION ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!!
[ buzzer sounds ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Bobby, now that is a disqualification..
Captain Kangaroo: NEXT!! NEXT!! NEXT!!!
[ bell rings ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, round over.
Captain Kangaroo: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, I’m very, very sorry, but you did well.
Captain Kangaroo: Oh, this is just GREAT!!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes. Rajeev, Sammy, would you like to give, or would you like to receive, which one?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ pause ] I’ll give, Jackie.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, very good. The category is.. “Horn of Plenty”. Sammy, describe these foods, if you will, sir.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ouch!
[ POPCORN ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a thing at the movies, it comes in kernals, you eat them up in oil.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Popcorn.
[ PICKLE ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a little hot, spicy number.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Rita Morena.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It comes from a cucumber, they let it sit in a barrel with its brothers so it becomes something else.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A caterpillar.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.
[ ANGELFOOD CAKE ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is an apres dinner kind of thing, dessert, three layers, icing on top.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Japuti.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. Say you’re in heaven, you’re flying around, you got a little halo, you’re..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Dead.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you did a lot of good stuff, you’re..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Blessed.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you got the wings, the halo, you’re going from cloud to cloud..
Rajeev Vindaloo: I don’t know, what is it?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next.
[ CHOCOLATE BABIES ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Uh.. this is, uh..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Chocolate Babies?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right.
[ ASPARAGUS ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a long shaft kind of thing with a tip on the end..
Rajeev Vindaloo: [ winks ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next!
[ BAGEL ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ah, this is one of my people’s favorite kind of things, it’s a round thing..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Dress shields.
No, babe.. no, babe.. it’s something I have with cream cheese, lox and onion, and I prefer a slice of tomahto.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Oh, yes?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’ll put it to you this way, listen to me now. You’re in a boat, you’re sailing, not in the pcean but smaller than an ocean..
Rajeev Vindaloo: A lake.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, no.. not inland.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A sandbar.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: It’s a little inlet type of thing.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A bay.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right! Bay…
Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: There’s a few birds, you see them, they’re called sea..
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right. You see them walking on the beach, they ared..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Whitie Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: They are white, man, they’re called sea..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.
[ FILET MIGNON ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a nice hunk of meat, babe. It ain’t a delmonaco, it ain’t a shell, it’s..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Egg McMuffin.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No. It comes with a piece of bacon strapped to the top..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Beef tuna.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s the ultimate piece of meat.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Mel Gibson.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It’s the one that sits alone on the plate, you say, “How the heck does this cost that much?”
Rajeev Vindaloo: Filet Mignon.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right!
[ bell rings ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, Mindy, Captain, so sorry, but we do have the home version of the game for both of you.
Captain Kangaroo: Great, like that’s going to pay for my mortgage!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright! Rajeev, Sammy, let’s spin for the wad! [ they dance over to the wheel ] Oh, we’re here already, who’s winded! [ Angelique puts a pointy hat on Rajeev’s head and straps him to the wheel ] Alright, now, Rajeev will be spinning for anywhere from $100 to $100,000! How exciting! Just the thought of it must be giving Rajeev a chubby! Let’s ask him. Rajeev, are you excited, sir?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes, I am..
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Sammy, any predictions, my friend?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Predictions? Yeah. I predict Lena is gonna win a Lifetime Grammy, I mean it’s long overdue, you know? But that’s a whole other trip, you know? But, hey, I’ve got sphilkas – let’s spin and do!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, Sammy, you do the honors.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Oh, thank you, my man!
[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. When Rajeev stops, he’s pointing to “SPIN AGAIN” ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh! Spin Again!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Spin Again?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: No! Isn’t that always the way! Oh, Sam, it’s irritating, isn’t it?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m crashing low.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, good Lord. Now, Sam, give it a good tug, my man!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Hey man, I weigh 122 with the rings, you know what I mean?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ laughs ] Go to it!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Alright, here we go, Raj..
[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. Rajeev continues to spin as the show’s closing music rises. ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, good Lord! Well, my producers tell me we’re out of time!
[ Sammy and Jackie sing “Big Wheel Keep on Turning” as Rajeev continues to spin out of control to close ]
Richard Donner…Jim Belushi Rachel…Julia Louis-Dreyfus …Christopher Reeve Peter Blake…Rich Hall Cory Meredith…Gary Kroeger
[Richard Donner and Rachel are sitting at a table in an audition room]
Richard Donner: All right. Send in that final three, will ya.
Rachel: Okay. [Gets up]
[Cut to wide shot of room with super: “FINAL AUDITIONS FOR ‘SUPERMAN-THE MOVIE’/JANUARY, 1977”]
Rachel: [Walks to the door] Okay, come on in. We’re ready for you. [She hands each auditioner a script as they enter and take a seat] Okay, thank you all for coming back. You’ve been very patient. As you know, we’ve auditioned thousands of actors for the role of Superman, and we’ve narrowed it down to you three. So one of you will be our new Man of Steel. Now, I’d like to introduce you to the man who’ll be directing the picture. This is Richard Donner, and he would like to see all of you together, you know, to compare you and so on before he makes his final decision, okay?
Cory Meredith: Mr. Donner? Ah, my name’s Cory Meredith, and I’d just like to say I’ve seen all your films. I’m a big fan of yours!
Richard Donner: [Leans over to Rachel and jokes] Well, I think we’ve found our Superman!
Cory Meredith: [laughs loudly] Oh, yeah.
Richard Donner: Okay, why don’t we start with you. [Points to Christopher] You’re, ah…
Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.
Richard Donner: Okay, Chris, let’s try page 37, all right? Rachel, can you read Lois for me?
Rachel: Surely. [Chris and Rachel stand next to each other]
Richard Donner: Action.
Rachel: [flatly] I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
Christopher Reeve: [flatly] Well actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place very far away, a planet called Krypton.
Richard Donner: Okay, that’s very nice. Thank you, sit down. [Points to Peter] Okay, you are…
Peter Blake: Peter Blake.
Richard Donner: Okay, Peter, same lines, please.
[Peter gets up and stands next to Rachel]
Richard Donner: Ready, action.
Rachel: I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
Peter Blake: [following the words on the page with his finger as he reads them] Well actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place very far away, a planet called Krypton.
Richard Donner: Thank you.
Cory Meredith: [stands as Peter takes his seat] Cory Meredith.
Richard Donner: Yes, yes, I know, you’re Cory. Go ahead, action.
Rachel: I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
[Cory folds his script and sets it aside, turns around to look out the window, then turns back to face Rachel]
Cory Meredith: Well…actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place so…very far away. I come from a planet…called Krypton. [Confidently whispers] Yes! [Walks over to Richard]
Richard Donner: [Points to the chairs] Sit down. All right, that was very nice. Now I’d like you to try the scene on page, let’s see, 90, I think it is. This is where the mugger shoots Clark Kent, and he catches the bullet in his teeth. Chris, would you like to start?
[Christopher gets up and walks over to Rachel as Richard picks up a gun]
Richard Donner: Ready, action.
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun!
Christopher Reeve: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you!
[Richard fires the gun, but the unseen bullet ricochets and breaks a window pane behind him]
Richard Donner: You broke a window!
Christopher Reeve: [Walks over to Richard] Mr. Donner?
Richard Donner: What?
Christopher Reeve: The bullet bounced off my teeth. I know that I can do this. Can I try again?
Richard Donner: All right, all right, all right, all right, c’mon.
Christopher Reeve: [Walks back over to Rachel] I’ll protect you, I’ll protect you. Okay, I’m ready.
Richard Donner: Action. [Fires the gun, and the unseen bullet breaks another window pane]
Richard Donner: That’s two windows.
Christopher Reeve: That one bounced off my chin. I know I can do this. I’ve been practicing with my roommate all day. I know I can catch.
Richard Donner: Look, Chris, you’re probably just a little nervous. Why don’t you sit down, okay? Okay, Peter, are you ready?
[Peter gets up as Christopher sits]
Richard Donner: And, action!
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun.
Peter Blake: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you.
[Richard fires the gun. Peter’s head whips to the side, then turns back to reveal he successfully caught the bullet. Richard gets up and takes the bullet]
Richard Donner: Very nice work. Where did you train?
Peter Blake: New York, Stellar Adler.
Richard Donner: Very good. [Peter sits] All right, Cory, let’s try the same lines.
Cory Meredith: [stands and sets his script on the chair] I have it memorized.
Richard Donner: Action!
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun.
Cory Meredith: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you!
[Richard fires the gun, hitting Cory and sending him flying backwards into a pile of folding chairs]
Richard Donner: Rachel? [Waves her over and whispers to her]
Rachel: [Walks over to Peter and Christopher] Okay, um, we’ve narrowed it down to you two.
Richard Donner: Okay, let’s go right to page 118. This is where you take the lump of coal and squeeze it into a diamond. [Hands a lump of coal to Rachel] Okay, Chris, you wanna try it?
Christopher Reeve: Sure. [Gets up and walks over to Rachel, who hands him the coal]
Richard Donner: And, action!
Christopher Reeve: I’ll be glad to pay for the damages. [He squeezes the coal, but it becomes a gooey mess in his hands] Oh, I’m sorry.
Richard Donner: [Gets up and walks over to Christopher] Chris, whoa, whoa, I think you’re squeezing too hard, you liquified the thing. Here, here, you gotta… [Picks up another lump of coal]
Peter Blake: [Gets up and takes the coal] Chris, Chris, take even pressure. [He squeezes the coal, then holds up the resulting diamond]
Richard Donner: Very nice. Excellent job, excellent job. That’s very good, Peter.
Christopher Reeve: Excuse me, did I mention that I played in The Seagull at the Virgin Theater Festival.
Richard Donner: Yeah, we have your resume. Okay, now I wanna go to page 153, all right. Now this is where you melt Lex Luthor’s phone with your heat vision. Chris, let’s start with you. You can melt this pay phone right here. You ready? Action!
Christopher Reeve: I’m sorry, Lex, but that phone is out of order. [SFX of “heat vision” as Chris stares at the phone. The curtain next to the phone suddenly catches fire]
Richard Donner: The phone! I said the phone! We got a fire here now.
[Christopher tries to put out the fire as Richard and Rachel panic. Peter walks over to the curtain and blows. SFX: Strong wind. The curtain is “blown” off the rod and out the window.]
Richard Donner: Very good, Peter, very good! Well, Peter, congratulations! You’re our new Man of Steel! [Shakes Peter’s hand]
Peter Blake: No!
Richard Donner: Yes you are!
Rachel: Now listen, I’m gonna wanna get you down to Costumes right away. We’re going out on location next week, so…
Peter Blake: Next week? Oh, no, I can’t do that.
Richard Donner: Why not?
Peter Blake: I got a call-back on a Dial Soap commercial.
Richard Donner: Really, you can’t get out of it?
Peter Blake: [shakes his head] Thanks! [exits]
Rachel: [Shrugs] Well!
Richard Donner: [audibly whispering] All we got left is this idiot here. [Walks over to Christopher] Your name again?
Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve, sir.
Richard Donner: Congratulations, Chris.
Christopher Reeve: [Stands and shakes Richard’s hand] Ah, thank you, Mr. Donner!
Richard Donner: You’re our new Man of Steel.
Christopher Reeve: Ah, thank you!
Richard Donner: Now, listen to me. You’re gonna have to work on catching those bullets.
Christopher Reeve: Right, I understand, I will, Mr. Donner. I’ll start right now. Rachel, do you mind? We could practice right now. [Walks over to the window]
Rachel: It’ll be a pleasure, Superman.
[Rachel begins firing the gun, but Chris fails to catch any of the bullets]
Richard Donner: Come on! Open your mouth!
[The bullet-catching practice continues as the audience applauds. The cameras pull back to show the audience seated above the set. Fade]
Air Date:
Power Station, “Some Like It Hot”
Santana, “Say It Again”
