Richard Donner…Jim Belushi Rachel…Julia Louis-Dreyfus …Christopher Reeve Peter Blake…Rich Hall Cory Meredith…Gary Kroeger
[Richard Donner and Rachel are sitting at a table in an audition room]
Richard Donner: All right. Send in that final three, will ya.
Rachel: Okay. [Gets up] [Cut to wide shot of room with super: “FINAL AUDITIONS FOR ‘SUPERMAN-THE MOVIE’/JANUARY, 1977”]
Rachel: [Walks to the door] Okay, come on in. We’re ready for you. [She hands each auditioner a script as they enter and take a seat] Okay, thank you all for coming back. You’ve been very patient. As you know, we’ve auditioned thousands of actors for the role of Superman, and we’ve narrowed it down to you three. So one of you will be our new Man of Steel. Now, I’d like to introduce you to the man who’ll be directing the picture. This is Richard Donner, and he would like to see all of you together, you know, to compare you and so on before he makes his final decision, okay?
Cory Meredith: Mr. Donner? Ah, my name’s Cory Meredith, and I’d just like to say I’ve seen all your films. I’m a big fan of yours!
Richard Donner: [Leans over to Rachel and jokes] Well, I think we’ve found our Superman!
Cory Meredith: [laughs loudly] Oh, yeah.
Richard Donner: Okay, why don’t we start with you. [Points to Christopher] You’re, ah…
Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.
Richard Donner: Okay, Chris, let’s try page 37, all right? Rachel, can you read Lois for me?
Rachel: Surely. [Chris and Rachel stand next to each other]
Richard Donner: Action.
Rachel: [flatly] I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
Christopher Reeve: [flatly] Well actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place very far away, a planet called Krypton.
Richard Donner: Okay, that’s very nice. Thank you, sit down. [Points to Peter] Okay, you are…
Peter Blake: Peter Blake.
Richard Donner: Okay, Peter, same lines, please.
[Peter gets up and stands next to Rachel]
Richard Donner: Ready, action.
Rachel: I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
Peter Blake: [following the words on the page with his finger as he reads them] Well actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place very far away, a planet called Krypton.
Richard Donner: Thank you.
Cory Meredith: [stands as Peter takes his seat] Cory Meredith.
Richard Donner: Yes, yes, I know, you’re Cory. Go ahead, action.
Rachel: I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
[Cory folds his script and sets it aside, turns around to look out the window, then turns back to face Rachel]
Cory Meredith: Well…actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place so…very far away. I come from a planet…called Krypton. [Confidently whispers] Yes! [Walks over to Richard]
Richard Donner: [Points to the chairs] Sit down. All right, that was very nice. Now I’d like you to try the scene on page, let’s see, 90, I think it is. This is where the mugger shoots Clark Kent, and he catches the bullet in his teeth. Chris, would you like to start?
[Christopher gets up and walks over to Rachel as Richard picks up a gun]
Richard Donner: Ready, action.
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun!
Christopher Reeve: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you!
[Richard fires the gun, but the unseen bullet ricochets and breaks a window pane behind him]
Richard Donner: You broke a window!
Christopher Reeve: [Walks over to Richard] Mr. Donner?
Richard Donner: What?
Christopher Reeve: The bullet bounced off my teeth. I know that I can do this. Can I try again?
Richard Donner: All right, all right, all right, all right, c’mon.
Christopher Reeve: [Walks back over to Rachel] I’ll protect you, I’ll protect you. Okay, I’m ready.
Richard Donner: Action. [Fires the gun, and the unseen bullet breaks another window pane]
Richard Donner: That’s two windows.
Christopher Reeve: That one bounced off my chin. I know I can do this. I’ve been practicing with my roommate all day. I know I can catch.
Richard Donner: Look, Chris, you’re probably just a little nervous. Why don’t you sit down, okay? Okay, Peter, are you ready?
[Peter gets up as Christopher sits]
Richard Donner: And, action!
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun.
Peter Blake: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you.
[Richard fires the gun. Peter’s head whips to the side, then turns back to reveal he successfully caught the bullet. Richard gets up and takes the bullet]
Richard Donner: Very nice work. Where did you train?
Peter Blake: New York, Stellar Adler.
Richard Donner: Very good. [Peter sits] All right, Cory, let’s try the same lines.
Cory Meredith: [stands and sets his script on the chair] I have it memorized.
Richard Donner: Action!
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun.
Cory Meredith: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you!
[Richard fires the gun, hitting Cory and sending him flying backwards into a pile of folding chairs]
Richard Donner: Rachel? [Waves her over and whispers to her]
Rachel: [Walks over to Peter and Christopher] Okay, um, we’ve narrowed it down to you two.
Richard Donner: Okay, let’s go right to page 118. This is where you take the lump of coal and squeeze it into a diamond. [Hands a lump of coal to Rachel] Okay, Chris, you wanna try it?
Christopher Reeve: Sure. [Gets up and walks over to Rachel, who hands him the coal]
Richard Donner: And, action!
Christopher Reeve: I’ll be glad to pay for the damages. [He squeezes the coal, but it becomes a gooey mess in his hands] Oh, I’m sorry.
Richard Donner: [Gets up and walks over to Christopher] Chris, whoa, whoa, I think you’re squeezing too hard, you liquified the thing. Here, here, you gotta… [Picks up another lump of coal]
Peter Blake: [Gets up and takes the coal] Chris, Chris, take even pressure. [He squeezes the coal, then holds up the resulting diamond]
Richard Donner: Very nice. Excellent job, excellent job. That’s very good, Peter.
Christopher Reeve: Excuse me, did I mention that I played in The Seagull at the Virgin Theater Festival.
Richard Donner: Yeah, we have your resume. Okay, now I wanna go to page 153, all right. Now this is where you melt Lex Luthor’s phone with your heat vision. Chris, let’s start with you. You can melt this pay phone right here. You ready? Action!
Christopher Reeve: I’m sorry, Lex, but that phone is out of order. [SFX of “heat vision” as Chris stares at the phone. The curtain next to the phone suddenly catches fire]
Richard Donner: The phone! I said the phone! We got a fire here now.
[Christopher tries to put out the fire as Richard and Rachel panic. Peter walks over to the curtain and blows. SFX: Strong wind. The curtain is “blown” off the rod and out the window.]
Richard Donner: Very good, Peter, very good! Well, Peter, congratulations! You’re our new Man of Steel! [Shakes Peter’s hand]
Peter Blake: No!
Richard Donner: Yes you are!
Rachel: Now listen, I’m gonna wanna get you down to Costumes right away. We’re going out on location next week, so…
Peter Blake: Next week? Oh, no, I can’t do that.
Richard Donner: Why not?
Peter Blake: I got a call-back on a Dial Soap commercial.
Richard Donner: Really, you can’t get out of it?
Peter Blake: [shakes his head] Thanks! [exits]
Rachel: [Shrugs] Well!
Richard Donner: [audibly whispering] All we got left is this idiot here. [Walks over to Christopher] Your name again?
Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve, sir.
Richard Donner: Congratulations, Chris.
Christopher Reeve: [Stands and shakes Richard’s hand] Ah, thank you, Mr. Donner!
Richard Donner: You’re our new Man of Steel.
Christopher Reeve: Ah, thank you!
Richard Donner: Now, listen to me. You’re gonna have to work on catching those bullets.
Christopher Reeve: Right, I understand, I will, Mr. Donner. I’ll start right now. Rachel, do you mind? We could practice right now. [Walks over to the window]
Rachel: It’ll be a pleasure, Superman.
[Rachel begins firing the gun, but Chris fails to catch any of the bullets]
Richard Donner: Come on! Open your mouth!
[The bullet-catching practice continues as the audience applauds. The cameras pull back to show the audience seated above the set. Fade]
Lieutenant…..Roy Scheider Stevens…..Rich Hall Devoney…..Jim Belushi Lawrence…..Martin Short
[ Liuetenant enters the police precinct withLawrence right behind him ]
Lieutenant: What have we got, Stevens?
Stevens: Well, we searched his place, Lieutenant. There was no sign of the money, or the girl.
Lieutenant: [ walks over ] Come on, Devoney – don’t be stupid all your life. You tell me where the girl is, and maybe the DA can cut a deal.
Devoney: What are you talking about, Lieutenant? I was out all evening.
Lieutenant: With who?
Devoney: Your wife. I finally got to the head of the line! [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: Take a walk, Stevens. Lawrence and I don’t want to be disturbed. [ Stevens exits the room ]
Lawrence: I don’t believe that guy’s story for one second, Lieutenant! Why don’t you call your wife and check it out?
Lieutenant: Just listen, Lawrence.. this guy is a tough SOB, but I think we can crack him. What do you say we try the old “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine?
Lawrence: [ amazed, and anxious to see it work ]
Lieutenant: Look, Devoney.. I understand your butt is on the block. If it was up to me, I’d cut you loose. But my partner here, he’s got a bad temper, a realbad temper. Right, Lawrence?
Lawrence: I agree, Lieutenant! [ smiles wildly ]
Lieutenant: Now, the truth, I don’t know how long I can hold him off.
Devoney: [ looks Lawrence over ] I’ll take my chances.
Lieutenant: I did what I could, Lawrence. He doesn’t want to talk to us.
Lawrence: [ starts to sob ] Oh, no, that’s, that’s terrible.. now, we won’t ever find the girl! And we won’t get our vacation, either! And it’s so sad.. because my mother wanted to go to Tampa in Auguest! I should have..
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What the hell are you doing?!
Lawrence: It doesn’t seem to be working, Lieutenant! Why don’t you try being the sad cop?
Lawrence: You know – Good Cop, Sad Cop.
Lieutenant: Bad Cop! Bad Cop! B-A-D!
Lawrence: Oh, great start spelling, like I’m not embarrassed enough?
Lieutenant: Just remember – good cop.. bad cop. [ returns to Devoney ] Now, look, Devoney, this guy is on the edge of some serious bone-breaking. Just lucky for you he’s doing a slow burn. Now, for the last time, where’s the girl?
Devoney: Turning tricks, With your mother. [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: [ to Lawrence ] Take him!
Lawrence: Now, look.. [ holds up his hands, which are handcuffed together ] I accidentally handcuffed myself, Lieutenant! [ to Devoney ] I guess I’m a real bad cop, huh, Devoney? I think you should just tell me where the girl is, because I’m such a bad cop..!
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What’s the matter with you?!
Lawrence: I’m doing what you told me – good cop, bad cop!
Lieutenant: Not bad like incompetent! Bad like in vicious! Mean!
Lieutenant: Good Cop.. Bad Cop!
Lawrence: Alright, Lieutenent, then!
Lieutenant: [ returns to Devoney ] I’m warning you, Devoney – this guy is so crazed, he doesn’t know what he’s doing!
Devoney: Yeah, tell it to my lawyer – he’s making it with your sister! [ laughs ]
Lieutenant: [ laughs back ] Okay, Devoney, you asked for it. Lawrence?
Lawrence: [ sits ] Well, I’m sorry about my partner, he tends to get very, very upset. Can I buy you some pie, or possibly a..
Lieutenant: [ pulls Lawrence aside ] What are you doing?!
Lawrence: Did you want to be the good cop? ‘Cause if you do, that’s no problem..
Lieutenant: Look, look! It’s simple! It’s simple! Just watch – Good Cop, Bad Cop! [ returns to Devoney ] Let me at ‘im! Let me at ‘im! I’ll eat his face off! [ pulls Devoney up, then jumps to the opposite side of him ] Now, look, Lieutentant, don’t do that.. I mean, violence never got us anywhere..
Devoney: [ slightly confused ] That’s right..
Lieutenant: [ reverts to Bad Cop ] Don’t give me any of that liberal crap! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll tear him apart! I’ll eat ‘im alive!
Devoney: Who’s this guy..?
Lieutenant: [ Good Cop ] Now, look.. now, look.. I don’t know how long I can hold him off.. he’s an animal, he’s an animal.. please, for your own sake, tell us where the girl is..
Lieutenant: [ Bad Cop ] I don’t care where the girl is! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im! I’ll kill ‘im..! [ turns to Lawrence ] You see?! It’s simple! It’s easy! Any idiot can do it!
Lawrence: Well, let’s do it..
Lieutenant: Except the idiot I got for a partner! I’m going down to the squad car.. before I hurt somebody! [ exits room, shattering glass everywhere ]
Lawrence: Gee.. he seems to have lost patience with me, Mr. Devoney.. so, if you wouldn’t mind, on the way down to Headquarters, if you would just, you know, kind of ride up front with him in the car?
Devoney: [ surrenders ] Here, here, here.. [ pulls out a pair of keys ] Here’s the keys! The girl’s locked up in a warehouse on 8th Street!
Lawrence: [ takes the keys ] Hey, Lieutentant! I think I found a clue! [ pulls out handcuffs ] Okay, Devoney.. you’ve had an easy ride of it so far, but you are coming with me! [ thinks he’s handcuffed Devoney, but he ends up pulling the chair out instead ] [ zoom out to fade ]
Announcer: Yesterday, our champion Rajeev Vindaloo, a private investigator from Kanoga Park, California won over $10,000 in cash and prizes. His challenger is Mindy Williamson, a schoolteacher from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and they’ll be battling it out today on America’s favorite game show –
Announcer: And here’s the man of the half-hour – Jackie Rogers Jr.!
[ Jackie enters singing and dancing ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ singing ] “Who wants a winner, give ’em half a chance Saints and sinners, the love to fill their pants with loot from Uncle Sammy’s treasure chest if you work hard on Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Waaaaaaaaaaddd!”
[ audience applauds ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: You’re so sweet! In the words of the immortal Sally Field, “You like me!! You like me!!” [ laughs ] And, now, to introduce the celebrity guests, here’s my live-in lady, or common-law wife if you will, Angelique!
Angelique: [ enters ] Jackie, our celebrity, Mr. Entertainment himself – Sammy Davis, Jr.! [ Sammy enters ] And, Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan! [ Bob enters ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, my goodness gracious, talk about excitement! Sammy, Day 2! Any thoughts, sir?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I tell you Jacksola.. I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, the private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise or two.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!
Captain Kangaroo: Thank you, Jackie. Just let me say hello to all the boys and girls out there – hello, boys and girls! And I’m tickled pink to be helping Mindy here. And a special thanks to you, Jackie, for paying me in cash. You are paying me in cash, right? No checks. That was the deal!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes, yes.. of course I am, my Captain! [ twirls fingers around his head ] And, Mindy, I heard backstage that you were a little bit shaky, a little bit nervous. Are you feeling better, my lady?
Mindy: Yes! Well.. no.. I guess you would say I’m satil nervous.. I guess.. I thought I wasn’t for a moment, but I was wrong..
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Because, if you run into any trouble, Mindy, you can always contact your old friend Mork from Ork! [ snickers ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ laughing ] You’re nuts!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: I completely made that up, that was an improvisation!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I know it, you lab rat, let’s do this!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: So, you be good! Now, you all know the rules. They’re very much like “Pyramid”, but different. Now, Captain, would you like to give, or would you like to receive?
Captain Kangaroo: Um.. alright, I’ll give.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Great! Now.. the category is “Things You Find in a Circus”. “Things You Find in a Circus”. Captain, get ready, and go.
[ CLOWN ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay.. okay.. this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.
Mindy: A clown!
[ TRAPEZE ARTIST ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.
Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..
Mindy: I don’t know..!
Captain Kangaroo: Next one!
[ RINGMASTER ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..
Mindy: A clown!
Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!
Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!
Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!
[ LION ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!!
[ buzzer sounds ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Bobby, now that is a disqualification..
Captain Kangaroo: NEXT!! NEXT!! NEXT!!!
[ bell rings ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, round over.
Captain Kangaroo: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, I’m very, very sorry, but you did well.
Captain Kangaroo: Oh, this is just GREAT!!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes. Rajeev, Sammy, would you like to give, or would you like to receive, which one?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ pause ] I’ll give, Jackie.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, very good. The category is.. “Horn of Plenty”. Sammy, describe these foods, if you will, sir.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ouch!
[ POPCORN ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a thing at the movies, it comes in kernals, you eat them up in oil.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Popcorn.
[ PICKLE ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a little hot, spicy number.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Rita Morena.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It comes from a cucumber, they let it sit in a barrel with its brothers so it becomes something else.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A caterpillar.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.
[ ANGELFOOD CAKE ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is an apres dinner kind of thing, dessert, three layers, icing on top.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Japuti.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. Say you’re in heaven, you’re flying around, you got a little halo, you’re..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Dead.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you did a lot of good stuff, you’re..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Blessed.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you got the wings, the halo, you’re going from cloud to cloud..
Rajeev Vindaloo: I don’t know, what is it?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next.
[ CHOCOLATE BABIES ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Uh.. this is, uh..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Chocolate Babies?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right.
[ ASPARAGUS ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a long shaft kind of thing with a tip on the end..
Rajeev Vindaloo: [ winks ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next!
[ BAGEL ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ah, this is one of my people’s favorite kind of things, it’s a round thing..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Dress shields.
No, babe.. no, babe.. it’s something I have with cream cheese, lox and onion, and I prefer a slice of tomahto.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Oh, yes?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’ll put it to you this way, listen to me now. You’re in a boat, you’re sailing, not in the pcean but smaller than an ocean..
Rajeev Vindaloo: A lake.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, no.. not inland.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A sandbar.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: It’s a little inlet type of thing.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A bay.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right! Bay…
Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: There’s a few birds, you see them, they’re called sea..
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right. You see them walking on the beach, they ared..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Whitie Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: They are white, man, they’re called sea..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.
[ FILET MIGNON ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a nice hunk of meat, babe. It ain’t a delmonaco, it ain’t a shell, it’s..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Egg McMuffin.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No. It comes with a piece of bacon strapped to the top..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Beef tuna.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s the ultimate piece of meat.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Mel Gibson.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It’s the one that sits alone on the plate, you say, “How the heck does this cost that much?”
Rajeev Vindaloo: Filet Mignon.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right!
[ bell rings ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, Mindy, Captain, so sorry, but we do have the home version of the game for both of you.
Captain Kangaroo: Great, like that’s going to pay for my mortgage!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright! Rajeev, Sammy, let’s spin for the wad! [ they dance over to the wheel ] Oh, we’re here already, who’s winded! [ Angelique puts a pointy hat on Rajeev’s head and straps him to the wheel ] Alright, now, Rajeev will be spinning for anywhere from $100 to $100,000! How exciting! Just the thought of it must be giving Rajeev a chubby! Let’s ask him. Rajeev, are you excited, sir?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes, I am..
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Sammy, any predictions, my friend?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Predictions? Yeah. I predict Lena is gonna win a Lifetime Grammy, I mean it’s long overdue, you know? But that’s a whole other trip, you know? But, hey, I’ve got sphilkas – let’s spin and do!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, Sammy, you do the honors.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Oh, thank you, my man!
[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. When Rajeev stops, he’s pointing to “SPIN AGAIN” ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh! Spin Again!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Spin Again?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: No! Isn’t that always the way! Oh, Sam, it’s irritating, isn’t it?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m crashing low.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, good Lord. Now, Sam, give it a good tug, my man!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Hey man, I weigh 122 with the rings, you know what I mean?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ laughs ] Go to it!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Alright, here we go, Raj..
[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. Rajeev continues to spin as the show’s closing music rises. ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, good Lord! Well, my producers tell me we’re out of time!
[ Sammy and Jackie sing “Big Wheel Keep on Turning” as Rajeev continues to spin out of control to close ]
[ open on Ricky in his apartment, pouring a bag of Oreos into a bowl ]
Ricky: This is the greatest! Super Sunday is like the greatest day of life! It’s unbelievable! I love Super Sunday, it’s amazing! It’s so amazing, it is unbelievable!
[ Phil enters the apartment ]
Phil: Hey, Ricky, how ya doing?
Ricky: Hey, Phil! Hey, where ya been, I was worried, you know? It’s almost game-time, did you get all the stuff?
Phil: Yeah, I got all this stuff! What’s the big rush, huh?
Ricky: I’m excited, it is Superbowl Sunday! It’s my favorite day, it is unbelievable!
Phil: [ points to all the goodies in the bag ] Look at this, look at this. I don’t know what you’re in a rush for, you know? Your 49er’s are gonna roll over like a dead dog, his petrified feet are gonna stick up in the air.
Ricky: Oh, really? Like I am really, really afraid of a team that has Flipper on their helmet, right? [ laughs like a moron ] I’m really, really scared!
Phil: Look, can I show you what I got here?
Phil: This is for the game, while we’re watching the game, look what I got here. Cheese balls..
Phil: I got family-sized beef jerky..
Phil: And, to drink, I got grape soda.
Phil: It’s unbelievable, right? And, when the Dolphins are presented the Vince Lombardi Trophy for their victory, and you’re handing me your five bucks that you owe m.
Ricky: Five bucks, right, right. Like I’m running to the bank now to get your five bucks, right! [ laughs to himself ] What are you, an idiot?
Phil: What are you, a creep?
Ricky: What are you, a moron?
Phil: What are you, a jerk?
Ricky: What are you, a pinhead?
Phil: What are you, a doofus?
Ricky: Hey! Take it easy!
Phil: Alright, relax.
Ricky: It’s Super Sunday, okay, Cabbagehead!
Phil: You’re a brisquet-breath!
Ricky: What, Tush-For-Brains?
Phil: You’re a schmegma!
Ricky: Hey! Hey, I don’t like that! Come on, now what else we got to eat here?
Phil: Let me show you what else I got here for the festivities, alright? We got Bavarian Mint Ice Cream..
Phil: ..on.. [ pulls out package ]
Ricky: Celebrity Frozen Mini-Waffles? What the hell is this?
Phil: It’s frozen mini-waffles, bearing the likeness of your favorite stars. Look, they got George Segal, Nell Carter, F.B.I. Zimbalist, Jr..
Ricky: Oh, they got J.P. Morgan and Chuck Woolery!
Phil: That’s pretty great, huh?
Ricky: That’s unbelievable!
Phil: Okay, and for dinner, which I am going to be savoring because of the 45-0 Dolphin victory..
Ricky: [ makes phone noises ] Excuse me, must be the telephone. [ answers make-believe phone ] Hello? Yeah, hold on. It’s the Bellevue Crazy House? Hello, Crazy House? You got a straitjacket for Phil Amatullo, because he thinks the Miamis are gonna win! Yeah, I know! He’s unbelievable!
Phil: That’s really funny. You’re a dipstick, you know that?
Ricky: Right, right, right.. thank you very much, that’s very funny. You are a creton.
Phil: You’re a douchebag!
Ricky: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, Super Sunday!
Phil: Okay, let’s watch it.
Ricky: Okay, Vomit-Breath.
Phil: What did you say?
Ricky: I said Vomit-Breath.
Phil: You’re a midget!
Ricky: Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Elephant Ears.
Phil: Hey, look, I suppose you think that Fred Dean is gonna come around, right, and sack my man Marino. Is that what you think? He’s not gonna lay a hand on him, I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Ricky: Oh, really?
Phil: Yeah, really. When my Danny-boy sees him, he’s gonna throw the football into his fat blubberface!
Ricky: Oh, you really, really think so?
Phil: Yeah, I really do!
Ricky: Well, let me tell you something, pal – if my boy “Mad Dog” Fred Dean don’t sack your Pretty-Boy Dan Marino, who’s so fat he looks like he lives in a tanning center..
Ricky: I will personally go out on the fire escape, I will remove all of my pants, and I will moon Sister Polly Rucci at Our Lady of Pompei, okay?
Phil: You will?
Ricky: I will.
Phil: You got a deal. [ they shake ]
Phil: You’re a dimwit!
Ricky: You’re a peabrain!
Phil: You know something? You smell like a rhino’s nipple. Did I ever tell you that?
Ricky: Thanks very, very much. You know, that’s really, really nice. I gotta ask you one question, could I ask you this, Phil?
Ricky: Uh, is it possible that you could get, like, more pimples on your back?
Phil: That’s nice. Could you do me a favor? Could you get your feet to smell more? Would that be possible? Maybe you could kill all the pets in the building! That would be good.
Ricky: Right, that’s really nice. Let me ask you this – could you, like, fail a written driver’s test, like, eight more times, maybe?
Phil: Wait, let me ask you this – the idea is, what, that you’re never gonna blow your nose? Is that what it is? The rest of my life, I’m looking at a Whitman’s Sampler of boulders over here! That’s attractive, that’s great.
Ricky: [ pulls up his nose with his fingers ] Take a look at these!
Phil: I’m looking, pal, put it down!
Ricky: Let’s have a truce, okay? It’s Super Sunday.
Phil: Okay. Truce.
Ricky: What’s for dinner?
Phil: I got two Le Dinners.
Ricky: Le Dinners? What the hell is Le Dinners?
Phil: Look – Le Dinner. Predominantly beef patties, lima beans, carrots, and potatos au grautin. Huh? And, for dessert, Pez! Did I do good, or what?
Ricky: You did unbelievable! I love this Pez! This is really, really great!
Phil: Okay, look, as a special surprise now, I rented us some classic films, alright?
Ricky: What’d you get?
Phil: First one here – Night Nurses 3-D”. You still got them glasses?
Phil: Alright. Okay, we got “17 Wet & Willy”. This one’s Beta, you just have to shove it in there, right?
Ricky: That’s it.
Phil: Oh, this is nice, look at this. [ holds up tape ] You gonna say it?
Ricky: Ain’t going near that one, I’ll tell you that right now! I thought we were getting “Clan Caravan Part II”?
Phil: We couldn’t get it!
Ricky: Why not?! I don’t wanna see that one! I mean, I like the music and everything..
Phil: You loved it, really!
Ricky: I don’t like animals..
Phil: [ looks at watch ] Hey, lok at this, what’s it say to you?
Ricky: It’s time for the game!
Phil: Alright, let’s get out of here! Here we go, here we go.. [ turns on Ricky’s TV, but nothing happens ] What’s the matter with your TV set?
Ricky: Nothing! It’s a great set!
Phil: What are you talking about?
[ TV sparks and explodes ]
Ricky: That’s unbelievable! What the hell did you do to it?!
Phil: This is great! Why don’t you get an older set, so more tubes are gonna explode, alright?
Ricky: Like, I will, when your teeth, like, rot more! Like, inside your gums, alright?
Phil: Yeah! Maybe you should lose more hair! You could start shaving from the top of your head down, put a bow tie on the back of your neck..!
… Christopher Guest … Jim Belushi … Don Pardo Paul Harvey … Rich Hall Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal … Calvert DeForest
[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.
[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated atthe news desk.]
Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:
Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder leftLouisville’s Humana Hospital today to live in a nearbyapartment. A special van transporting him stalled inthe driveway. But, fortunately, Schroeder’s heart isequipped with jumper cables. … Trip continuedwithout further incident.
Who is this man? [Photo of man in sunglassesand hat] And this man? [Photo of same man inseed cap] And this man? [Photo of same man inhardhat] And this man? [Photo of same man incowboy hat] Believe it or not, they are allthis man — [Photo of same man wearing no hat]– new Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. … It’sbeen reported that he wears all those hats to coverthe birthmark on his head. However, SNL News haslearned that it is NOT a birthmark — it’s an aerialmap of the Philippine Islands [Photo of map] … leftover from Gorbachev’s Soviet espionage days….
In New York this week, the ASPCA has accused theRingling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus ofpresenting a fake unicorn, charging it is actually agoat with a surgically-implanted horn. A circusspokesperson has denied the charge, saying that theanimal is a sheep that suddenly sat down on abroomstick. …
[Photo of veterinarian reaching into a horse’s mouth]Famed jockey Willie Shoemaker was swallowed by a racehorse this morning … at an upstate track. Theveterinarian shown here trying to remove Shoemakerfrom the horse’s throat says it happens quite oftenwith hungry horses and small jockeys. …
Christopher Guest: And now, here with acommentary, is Saturday Night Live’s critic-at-largeJim Belushi. Jim? [applause]
Jim Belushi: Thank you, Chris. You know, I, uh,I love this country – uh – it’s been good to myfamily. It’s – it’s been great to me. I – You know, Idon’t like to say anything really bad about it but–But they did one stupid thing. They broke up AT&T.Y’know, we used to have like the BEST DAMN telephonesystem in the universe. But not any more. Not since -not since the trust busters broke up AT&T. Haveyou tried callin’ Information lately? [picks up aphone] I mean, y’know, they give you the number. Theysay the number is [imitates computer voice]”Five-Five-Five One-TWO-Four-NINE.” … And I say”THANK YOU” TO A RECORDING! … [pulls air horn fromunder desk, points it toward the phone and blasts thehorn noisily] … You know, I wanna talk to a humanbeing!
And call waiting! I HATE – I hate call waiting.Y’know, I’m in the middle of a conversation. I’mtalkin’ to somebody and hear this annoying littleclick. Click-click-CLICK! Right? And they say, “Holdon for a second,” right? And I know – hey, Iknow what’s gonna happen. The other call’sgonna be A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ME! … I mean,you know, how can I possibly have anything reallygreat to say?! They come back on the line and say,[imitates wimpy phone friend] “You know, uh, can Icall you right back?” … And I say– [pulls out airhorn again and blasts the phone] … YOU’RE NEVERGONNA CALL ME BACK! …
And then I get a BILL that you need to go to COMPUTERCAMP to EVEN READ! … And they’re charging you forthings that they aren’t supposed– that are supposedto be free. Y’know, I’m – I’m tryin’ to get myemotional life together and, since the break-up,they’ve been chipping away at it. Y’know what Imean? It used to be when you smashed a phone againstthe wall or threw it out the window, the phone companywould give you a brand new phone in twenty-four hours.No, now they call up– You call ’em up and they tellya, “Go to the phone store.” A phonestore! [imitates man talking to woman] “Okay,honey, I’m gonna go pick up a dozen eggs, a quart ofmilk, and a PHONE!” …
[holds up a check] And what about this?! What isthis?! A pay phone ate my quarter. They send mea check for twenty-five cents! … What am I supposedto do with this?! Take off o’ work, go to the bank …wait in line for a half hour … Get to the teller,she says, “How would you like this, Mr. Belushi? Allin NICKELS? … Two dimes and a nickel or twenty-fivepennies?!” [blasts the check with the air horn] …DON’T BE A WISE-ASS! … [imitates mincing operator] “Thank you for callingAT&T.” [drops the check with disgust, it slides offthe desk, cheers and applause] Back to you,Chris.
Christopher Guest: Thank you. [Belushi honkshis horn once more, this time at Chris who cringes alittle] Ooh.
A new religious item came out this week. [holds up analbum full of cassette tapes] “Francis the TalkingBible.” … The complete Old and New Testamentsrecorded by Francis. … We can’t play it but it wouldsound something like: [flawlessly imitates 1950sanimal star Francis the Talking Mule] “In thebeginning, God create–” … Something like that.Anyway, I – I recommend this. [closes and puts albumaway]
Yesterday morning, the USA for Africa’s “We Are theWorld” record was broadcast simultaneously onthousands of radio stations including the nationwideMuzak system — the second time in its history thatMuzak has broadcast a human voice. … The first time,of course, was in 1965 when Don Pardo sang the themefrom “Jeopardy” … with a chorus of game show losers…. Don, can you give us a little bit of that?
Don Pardo V/O: [mellow and deeply apologetic]Sorry, Chris. I’ve forgotten it.
Christopher Guest: ‘S’too bad.
Don Pardo V/O: [building to a classic announcerfrenzy] But I can give you a matched set ofSamsonite luggage! … An Amana homefreezer! A round-trip–!
Christopher Guest: Never mind. Now, with aneditorial, here is guest commentator, PaulHarvey.
[Cheers and applause for the chipper, elderlylegendary radio personality who breaks up hissentences into weirdly multi-rhythmicphrases.]
Paul Harvey: Hellooooo, Americans! I’m PaulHarvey! [sudden pause as if in mid-sentence] … Youknow, yesterday morning, I interrupted my radiobroadcast, Chris – to join with billions across theplanet in singing [long pause, breaks into a grin] …”We Are – the World” – it’s true! [rapidly] Sales ofthe record have been phenomenally successful, themoney will go to starving nations. But there’s a lotof bureaucracy involved – money has to become records,records has to become money again, money has to beused to distribute grain. It’s a complicated process.Wouldn’t it be a lot simpler if they could just –eat – the records? … Why not record the songright onto this nutritious pita bread? [holds up aflat round piece of pita bread with a hole in thecenter] … Staple of millions throughout the world.[holds up a small pizza with a hole in it] Or how’bout this individual “We Are the World” pizza? …You know, the wife and I cook these up right in thestudio. I think you’re gonna be amazed at therecording values, Chris. They’re just absolutelyphenomenal. Give a listen – to this. [plays pizza onportable record player, horribly scratchy version of”We Are the World” song is heard]
Christopher Guest: Sounds great, Paul. Soundsgreat. That’s enough of that, okay? [annoyed, reachesover and takes the needle off the record, abruptlyending the song] That’s enough of that.
Paul Harvey: [tries to restart the song] Holdit, I was just getting to the Bruce Springfield partthere! Hold it. …
Christopher Guest: [puts a hand on the recordplayer] No, that’s – that’s fine. Okay? That’s just -that’s enough. Why don’t you just say good night, allright? …
Paul Harvey: Well, you know, there’s also thiszesty tortilla version– [holds up a tortilla with ahole in it] …
Christopher Guest: Just say good night – justsay good night, okay?
Paul Harvey: I’m Paul Harvey – gooodday! [applause]
Christopher Guest: In our last edition, wereported that music superstar Billy Joel had marriedDavid Brinkley. … Well, that’s a simple mistake tomake. Of course, Billy was married to Peter Jennings… who also works at ABC News. Sorry, David….
Before we go on, SNL News, uh, would like to extendour Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter,to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to ourSnake Worshippers of Satan friends, have a nice day….
Christopher Guest: Here’s our residententertainment critic, a legend in comedy, Mr. BuddyYoung, Jr. [Buddy’s cheesy nightclub theme plays,cheers and applause which Buddy encourages – he is acigar-wielding, middle-aged Jewish insult comic in anugly pink and purple tuxedo who talks into a bulkysilver hand microphone]
Buddy Young, Jr.: I tell ya, these movietheaters are nuts! They get me nuts! It’s not like theold days, you go to the neighborhood theater. They gotall these theaters in one, now — they got a duplex, atriplex, a multiplex! And they’re filthy, am I right?!I got a herpes simplex in a quadruplex once! [rimshot] Get out of here! …
I tell ya, it’s nuts. And the food! Ah, the food inthese theaters is nuts. Used to be you get a bag o’popcorn and a Coke — thirty-five cents. Now, thepopcorn comes in a hatbox! … And the sodacomes in ONE size — it’s called TUB O’ COKE!… I tell ya, it’s too nuts, folks, it’s too wild outthere. And the kid who serves it! I mean, he’s apunker, you know? Now you get GREEN hair in yourpopcorn! [rim shot] …
It’s too wild, I’ll tell ya. And these music videosare nuts, too, I’ll tell ya that right now. That seguecost me twelve-fifty. I tell ya, they’re nuts! When Iwas a kid, a song was a song and that was it — am Iright, ladies and gentlemen? What the hell’shappening? Now a movie is a song, a song is a movie.They make no sense, these videos. A guy singin’ aballad — somebody else is putting a midget in ablender! … [glares at the crowd] What is this –the Hinckley jury? … Five, six, seven, I tell ya,it’s nuts! … It’s wild. You can rent movies anyplacenow on cassettes, they got ’em everyplace, they got’em everywhere, I tell ya, it’s crazy. Supermarkets,dry cleaners. My wife comes home from the gynecologist– she says to me, “Honey, I got cystitis andAmadeus!” … I said, “Is it serious?” Shesays, “Parts of it, but the music isbeautiful!” [rim shot] … I tell ya that now,it’s just — [scattered applause] — crawlin’ up myback!
[rises from desk and heads for the audience] I tellya, you know, it gets me nuts! It gets me nuts. [toCraig, a mustachioed, curly-haired man in the frontrow] How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Could ya stand upjust for a second? I love to mingle. [inspects atattoo on Craig’s arm] Hey, what is this? Look atthis. This rub off? You get this from Cheerios orsomething? … This guy’s a biker, he’s gonna stomp myhead to get my face started. I tell ya, it’s the –[Craig playfully reaches for Buddy’s face] Hey. Don’tget cute, all right? … What is this — the SantanaLook-alike Club meeting? … What’s your name,babe?
Buddy Young, Jr.: That’s right. Where yafrom?
Buddy Young, Jr.: Uniondale? Where’sthat?
Craig: It’s on Long Island.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Big deal! Sit down! …[Craig sits, Buddy moves to another front row victim]Can I talk to you for a second? You mind standin’ up?[a man who appears to be either very tired or on drugsrises] You okay?
Buddy Young, Jr.: You sure?
Buddy Young, Jr.: It’ll kick in any minute.It’s called– … [scattered applause] No, I kid. Ikid this man. Manson’s stuntman … we have here,sitting here. Let me ask you this, babe. Where youfrom?
Man: [quietly] New Rochelle.
Buddy Young, Jr.: New Rochelle? Try to speakup. It’s called “English,” okay? … Nah, it’s apleasure to have you here, no kiddin’. [shakes theman’s hand] Right? [the man sits, Buddy moves on toanother victim, a young clean-cut guy] Oh, I know thisguy. How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Jimmy Olsen!Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Olsen. … [slaps theboy’s cheeks playfully] Get out o’ here, you’re a wiseguy. [to the much older gentleman sitting in the nextseat] Would you mind standin’ up, please, just for asecond? Tell everybody–
[Loud, joyous cheers and applause for elderly,bespectacled character actor Calvert DeForest, betterknown as Larry “Bud” Melman, a popular regular onNBC’s “Late Night with David Letterman” — someoneyells, “Larry ‘Bud’!”]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What’s your name, babe? Anddon’t tell me “Perry White” ’cause I’ll, uh, leave alog here. What’s your name?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: What is it?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? You know what I’msaying to you? … Calvert, people know you, they seemto know you. What’s your real–? People know yourdifferent name?
Calvert DeForest: Yeah. Larry “Bud” Melman.[more cheers and applause]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What do you do,Larry?
Calvert DeForest: [giggles uncontrollably] …Work on the David Letterman–
Buddy Young, Jr.: Try to cheer up, will ya,please, Larry? … [Buddy has his arm around DeForestwho is inching away from him] What are you pullingaway from me–? I’m clean. I took a shower. … Youknow what I’m saying? Oh, it’s wild. That herpes,it’ll get you nuts, I’ll tell ya that. [DeForestcracks up at this] … You’re a good sport, babe. Youready the play the game?
Calvert DeForest: [has no clue but is open toanything] Of course! [laughs, realizing there is nogame to play] …
Buddy Young, Jr.: I faked you, you faked me, weended up here. Let me ask you this.
Calvert DeForest: What?
Buddy Young, Jr.: How are things goin’? What,are you workin’ or what?
Calvert DeForest: Uhhhh. Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You had to think about it?What, you’re up late, huh?
Calvert DeForest: [laughing] Yeah! … For achange.
Buddy Young, Jr.: I love this man. I love -this – man. You still seeing Vicki Carr?
Calvert DeForest: Yes. …
Buddy Young, Jr.: Oh, that’s good. Good luck toboth of you.
Calvert DeForest: Thank you.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You know what I’m sayin’?You’re a lovely guy. This is a great man! [applause]This is a great man! Larry “Bud”! [returns to the deskand sits] No, but we need– And he proves the pointthat what we need is love today. [to the crowd in thebalcony] You got love up there? You got love? [cheersand applause] We got love! They got love. Back to you,Chris. Get out of here. [drops the mike]
Christopher Guest: Thank you very much. That’sall the news. Thank you very much.
[More cheers and applause. Buddy’s theme plays. Buddyand Chris converse. Buddy waves dismissively at thecrowd. Fade.]
Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend ofSaturday Night Live, Steven Wright!
[Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearlycatatonic stand-up comic with the frizzyhair.]
Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks….
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…. I got a full house and four people died….
I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, butI only need them when I read so I got flip-ups….
I have a map of the United States, it’s actual size…. It says, “One mile equals one mile.” …
I spent the day watching live animation. … Later, Iwas arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli….
I was once walking through the forest alone and a treefell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it….
I’m planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album thatteaches you the language — you put the album on, youput headphones on, you learn the language while you’resleeping. During the night, the record skipped. … Igot up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish…. When I go, I’m flying. I’m flying Air Bizarre.It’s a good airline, you buy a combination one-wayround-trip ticket. … You leave any Monday and theybring you back the previous Friday. … That way, youstill have the weekend. …
Sometimes, you can’t hear what I’m sayin’, it’s ’causesometimes I’m in parentheses. …
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out mywindow, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellitepicture. …
I went to the hardware store and bought some usedpaint. … It was in the shape of a house. … I alsobought some batteries, but they weren’t included. …So I had to buy ’em again. …
It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got ahumidifier and a dehumidifier. … I put ’em in thesame room and let ’em fight it out. … [cheers andapplause — after a slight pause, Wright says, witheven less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. …
There’s a pizza place near where I live that onlysells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin’ upa triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]…
I went to a museum where they had all the heads andarms from the statues that are in all the othermuseums. … I had trouble goin’ home from there’cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I cameback, the entire area was gone. … For a while, Ididn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. But I hadnowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to itand leave it runnin’. …
When I was baby, I kept a diary. … Recently, I wasrereading it. It said, “Day One: Still tired from themove.” … “Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m anidiot.” …
I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focuson purpose. … So, when the police stop me, they go–[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at thelicense, then handing it back to the driver] Here, youcan go. … One time, they stopped me for speeding andthey said, “Don’t you know the speed limit isfifty-five miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know. ButI wasn’t gonna be out that long.” …