Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

… Christopher Guest
… Jim Belushi
… Don Pardo
Paul Harvey … Rich Hall
Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal
… Calvert DeForest


[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.

[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated atthe news desk.]

Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:

Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder leftLouisville’s Humana Hospital today to live in a nearbyapartment. A special van transporting him stalled inthe driveway. But, fortunately, Schroeder’s heart isequipped with jumper cables. … Trip continuedwithout further incident.

Who is this man? [Photo of man in sunglassesand hat] And this man? [Photo of same man inseed cap] And this man? [Photo of same man inhardhat] And this man? [Photo of same man incowboy hat] Believe it or not, they are allthis man — [Photo of same man wearing no hat]– new Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. … It’sbeen reported that he wears all those hats to coverthe birthmark on his head. However, SNL News haslearned that it is NOT a birthmark — it’s an aerialmap of the Philippine Islands [Photo of map] … leftover from Gorbachev’s Soviet espionage days….

In New York this week, the ASPCA has accused theRingling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus ofpresenting a fake unicorn, charging it is actually agoat with a surgically-implanted horn. A circusspokesperson has denied the charge, saying that theanimal is a sheep that suddenly sat down on abroomstick. …

[Photo of veterinarian reaching into a horse’s mouth]Famed jockey Willie Shoemaker was swallowed by a racehorse this morning … at an upstate track. Theveterinarian shown here trying to remove Shoemakerfrom the horse’s throat says it happens quite oftenwith hungry horses and small jockeys. …

Christopher Guest: And now, here with acommentary, is Saturday Night Live’s critic-at-largeJim Belushi. Jim? [applause]

Jim Belushi: Thank you, Chris. You know, I, uh,I love this country – uh – it’s been good to myfamily. It’s – it’s been great to me. I – You know, Idon’t like to say anything really bad about it but–But they did one stupid thing. They broke up AT&T.Y’know, we used to have like the BEST DAMN telephonesystem in the universe. But not any more. Not since -not since the trust busters broke up AT&T. Haveyou tried callin’ Information lately? [picks up aphone] I mean, y’know, they give you the number. Theysay the number is [imitates computer voice]”Five-Five-Five One-TWO-Four-NINE.” … And I say”THANK YOU” TO A RECORDING! … [pulls air horn fromunder desk, points it toward the phone and blasts thehorn noisily] … You know, I wanna talk to a humanbeing!

And call waiting! I HATE – I hate call waiting.Y’know, I’m in the middle of a conversation. I’mtalkin’ to somebody and hear this annoying littleclick. Click-click-CLICK! Right? And they say, “Holdon for a second,” right? And I know – hey, Iknow what’s gonna happen. The other call’sgonna be A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ME! … I mean,you know, how can I possibly have anything reallygreat to say?! They come back on the line and say,[imitates wimpy phone friend] “You know, uh, can Icall you right back?” … And I say– [pulls out airhorn again and blasts the phone] … YOU’RE NEVERGONNA CALL ME BACK! …

And then I get a BILL that you need to go to COMPUTERCAMP to EVEN READ! … And they’re charging you forthings that they aren’t supposed– that are supposedto be free. Y’know, I’m – I’m tryin’ to get myemotional life together and, since the break-up,they’ve been chipping away at it. Y’know what Imean? It used to be when you smashed a phone againstthe wall or threw it out the window, the phone companywould give you a brand new phone in twenty-four hours.No, now they call up– You call ’em up and they tellya, “Go to the phone store.” A phonestore! [imitates man talking to woman] “Okay,honey, I’m gonna go pick up a dozen eggs, a quart ofmilk, and a PHONE!”

[holds up a check] And what about this?! What isthis?! A pay phone ate my quarter. They send mea check for twenty-five cents! … What am I supposedto do with this?! Take off o’ work, go to the bank …wait in line for a half hour … Get to the teller,she says, “How would you like this, Mr. Belushi? Allin NICKELS? … Two dimes and a nickel or twenty-fivepennies?!” [blasts the check with the air horn] …DON’T BE A WISE-ASS! …

[imitates mincing operator] “Thank you for callingAT&T.” [drops the check with disgust, it slides offthe desk, cheers and applause] Back to you,Chris.

Christopher Guest: Thank you. [Belushi honkshis horn once more, this time at Chris who cringes alittle] Ooh.

A new religious item came out this week. [holds up analbum full of cassette tapes] “Francis the TalkingBible.” … The complete Old and New Testamentsrecorded by Francis. … We can’t play it but it wouldsound something like: [flawlessly imitates 1950sanimal star Francis the Talking Mule] “In thebeginning, God create–” … Something like that.Anyway, I – I recommend this. [closes and puts albumaway]

Yesterday morning, the USA for Africa’s “We Are theWorld” record was broadcast simultaneously onthousands of radio stations including the nationwideMuzak system — the second time in its history thatMuzak has broadcast a human voice. … The first time,of course, was in 1965 when Don Pardo sang the themefrom “Jeopardy” … with a chorus of game show losers…. Don, can you give us a little bit of that?

Don Pardo V/O: [mellow and deeply apologetic]Sorry, Chris. I’ve forgotten it.

Christopher Guest: ‘S’too bad.

Don Pardo V/O: [building to a classic announcerfrenzy] But I can give you a matched set ofSamsonite luggage! … An Amana homefreezer! A round-trip–!

Christopher Guest: [interrupts] It’s okay!Thank you. Thank you, Don! Thank you. …

Don Pardo V/O: [mellow again] Not at all,Chris.

Christopher Guest: Never mind. Now, with aneditorial, here is guest commentator, PaulHarvey.

[Cheers and applause for the chipper, elderlylegendary radio personality who breaks up hissentences into weirdly multi-rhythmicphrases.]

Paul Harvey: Hellooooo, Americans! I’m PaulHarvey! [sudden pause as if in mid-sentence] … Youknow, yesterday morning, I interrupted my radiobroadcast, Chris – to join with billions across theplanet in singing [long pause, breaks into a grin] …”We Are – the World” – it’s true! [rapidly] Sales ofthe record have been phenomenally successful, themoney will go to starving nations. But there’s a lotof bureaucracy involved – money has to become records,records has to become money again, money has to beused to distribute grain. It’s a complicated process.Wouldn’t it be a lot simpler if they could just –eat – the records? … Why not record the songright onto this nutritious pita bread? [holds up aflat round piece of pita bread with a hole in thecenter] … Staple of millions throughout the world.[holds up a small pizza with a hole in it] Or how’bout this individual “We Are the World” pizza? …You know, the wife and I cook these up right in thestudio. I think you’re gonna be amazed at therecording values, Chris. They’re just absolutelyphenomenal. Give a listen – to this. [plays pizza onportable record player, horribly scratchy version of”We Are the World” song is heard]

Christopher Guest: Sounds great, Paul. Soundsgreat. That’s enough of that, okay? [annoyed, reachesover and takes the needle off the record, abruptlyending the song] That’s enough of that.

Paul Harvey: [tries to restart the song] Holdit, I was just getting to the Bruce Springfield partthere! Hold it. …

Christopher Guest: [puts a hand on the recordplayer] No, that’s – that’s fine. Okay? That’s just -that’s enough. Why don’t you just say good night, allright? …

Paul Harvey: Well, you know, there’s also thiszesty tortilla version– [holds up a tortilla with ahole in it] …

Christopher Guest: Just say good night – justsay good night, okay?

Paul Harvey: I’m Paul Harvey – gooodday! [applause]

Christopher Guest: In our last edition, wereported that music superstar Billy Joel had marriedDavid Brinkley. … Well, that’s a simple mistake tomake. Of course, Billy was married to Peter Jennings… who also works at ABC News. Sorry, David….

Before we go on, SNL News, uh, would like to extendour Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter,to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to ourSnake Worshippers of Satan friends, have a nice day….

Christopher Guest: Here’s our residententertainment critic, a legend in comedy, Mr. BuddyYoung, Jr. [Buddy’s cheesy nightclub theme plays,cheers and applause which Buddy encourages – he is acigar-wielding, middle-aged Jewish insult comic in anugly pink and purple tuxedo who talks into a bulkysilver hand microphone]

Buddy Young, Jr.: I tell ya, these movietheaters are nuts! They get me nuts! It’s not like theold days, you go to the neighborhood theater. They gotall these theaters in one, now — they got a duplex, atriplex, a multiplex! And they’re filthy, am I right?!I got a herpes simplex in a quadruplex once! [rimshot] Get out of here! …

I tell ya, it’s nuts. And the food! Ah, the food inthese theaters is nuts. Used to be you get a bag o’popcorn and a Coke — thirty-five cents. Now, thepopcorn comes in a hatbox! … And the sodacomes in ONE size — it’s called TUB O’ COKE!… I tell ya, it’s too nuts, folks, it’s too wild outthere. And the kid who serves it! I mean, he’s apunker, you know? Now you get GREEN hair in yourpopcorn! [rim shot] …

It’s too wild, I’ll tell ya. And these music videosare nuts, too, I’ll tell ya that right now. That seguecost me twelve-fifty. I tell ya, they’re nuts! When Iwas a kid, a song was a song and that was it — am Iright, ladies and gentlemen? What the hell’shappening? Now a movie is a song, a song is a movie.They make no sense, these videos. A guy singin’ aballad — somebody else is putting a midget in ablender! … [glares at the crowd] What is this –the Hinckley jury? … Five, six, seven, I tell ya,it’s nuts! … It’s wild. You can rent movies anyplacenow on cassettes, they got ’em everyplace, they got’em everywhere, I tell ya, it’s crazy. Supermarkets,dry cleaners. My wife comes home from the gynecologist– she says to me, “Honey, I got cystitis andAmadeus!” … I said, “Is it serious?” Shesays, “Parts of it, but the music isbeautiful!” [rim shot] … I tell ya that now,it’s just — [scattered applause] — crawlin’ up myback!

[rises from desk and heads for the audience] I tellya, you know, it gets me nuts! It gets me nuts. [toCraig, a mustachioed, curly-haired man in the frontrow] How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Could ya stand upjust for a second? I love to mingle. [inspects atattoo on Craig’s arm] Hey, what is this? Look atthis. This rub off? You get this from Cheerios orsomething? … This guy’s a biker, he’s gonna stomp myhead to get my face started. I tell ya, it’s the –[Craig playfully reaches for Buddy’s face] Hey. Don’tget cute, all right? … What is this — the SantanaLook-alike Club meeting? … What’s your name,babe?

Craig: Craig.

Buddy Young, Jr.: That’s right. Where yafrom?

Craig: Uniondale.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Uniondale? Where’sthat?

Craig: It’s on Long Island.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Big deal! Sit down! …[Craig sits, Buddy moves to another front row victim]Can I talk to you for a second? You mind standin’ up?[a man who appears to be either very tired or on drugsrises] You okay?

Man: Yeah.

Buddy Young, Jr.: You sure?

Man: Yeah.

Buddy Young, Jr.: It’ll kick in any minute.It’s called– … [scattered applause] No, I kid. Ikid this man. Manson’s stuntman … we have here,sitting here. Let me ask you this, babe. Where youfrom?

Man: [quietly] New Rochelle.

Buddy Young, Jr.: New Rochelle? Try to speakup. It’s called “English,” okay? … Nah, it’s apleasure to have you here, no kiddin’. [shakes theman’s hand] Right? [the man sits, Buddy moves on toanother victim, a young clean-cut guy] Oh, I know thisguy. How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Jimmy Olsen!Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Olsen. … [slaps theboy’s cheeks playfully] Get out o’ here, you’re a wiseguy. [to the much older gentleman sitting in the nextseat] Would you mind standin’ up, please, just for asecond? Tell everybody–

[Loud, joyous cheers and applause for elderly,bespectacled character actor Calvert DeForest, betterknown as Larry “Bud” Melman, a popular regular onNBC’s “Late Night with David Letterman” — someoneyells, “Larry ‘Bud’!”]

Buddy Young, Jr.: What’s your name, babe? Anddon’t tell me “Perry White” ’cause I’ll, uh, leave alog here. What’s your name?

Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.

Buddy Young, Jr.: What is it?

Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? You know what I’msaying to you? … Calvert, people know you, they seemto know you. What’s your real–? People know yourdifferent name?

Calvert DeForest: Yeah. Larry “Bud” Melman.[more cheers and applause]

Buddy Young, Jr.: What do you do,Larry?

Calvert DeForest: [giggles uncontrollably] …Work on the David Letterman–

Buddy Young, Jr.: Try to cheer up, will ya,please, Larry? … [Buddy has his arm around DeForestwho is inching away from him] What are you pullingaway from me–? I’m clean. I took a shower. … Youknow what I’m saying? Oh, it’s wild. That herpes,it’ll get you nuts, I’ll tell ya that. [DeForestcracks up at this] … You’re a good sport, babe. Youready the play the game?

Calvert DeForest: [has no clue but is open toanything] Of course! [laughs, realizing there is nogame to play] …

Buddy Young, Jr.: I faked you, you faked me, weended up here. Let me ask you this.

Calvert DeForest: What?

Buddy Young, Jr.: How are things goin’? What,are you workin’ or what?

Calvert DeForest: Uhhhh. Yeah.

Buddy Young, Jr.: You had to think about it?What, you’re up late, huh?

Calvert DeForest: [laughing] Yeah! … For achange.

Buddy Young, Jr.: I love this man. I love -this – man. You still seeing Vicki Carr?

Calvert DeForest: Yes. …

Buddy Young, Jr.: Oh, that’s good. Good luck toboth of you.

Calvert DeForest: Thank you.

Buddy Young, Jr.: You know what I’m sayin’?You’re a lovely guy. This is a great man! [applause]This is a great man! Larry “Bud”! [returns to the deskand sits] No, but we need– And he proves the pointthat what we need is love today. [to the crowd in thebalcony] You got love up there? You got love? [cheersand applause] We got love! They got love. Back to you,Chris. Get out of here. [drops the mike]

Christopher Guest: Thank you very much. That’sall the news. Thank you very much.

[More cheers and applause. Buddy’s theme plays. Buddyand Chris converse. Buddy waves dismissively at thecrowd. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alex Karras: 02/02/85


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

February 2nd, 1985

Alex Karras

Tina Turner

None

Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

  • Prince & Hulk Hogan

  • Alex Karras’s Monologue

  • Ed Grimley

    Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

  • Time Magazine

    (Repeat) See: 02/26/84

  • A Couple Of White Guys Rap

  • Kelly Cola

  • Tina Turner performs “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

  • Power From Giving

  • New York On Five Dollars A Day

    Recurring Characters: Bernard Goetz.

  • Walter Mondale in Minnesota

    Recurring Characters: Walter Mondale.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Robert Latta, Nathan Thurm.

  • Tina Turner performs “Better Be Good To Me”

  • The Auctioneer

  • Tina Turner performs “Private Dancer”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Steven Wright Stand-Up

    Steven Wright Stand-Up

    … Christopher Reeve
    … Steven Wright


    Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend ofSaturday Night Live, Steven Wright!

    [Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearlycatatonic stand-up comic with the frizzyhair.]

    Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks….

    I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…. I got a full house and four people died….

    I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, butI only need them when I read so I got flip-ups….

    I have a map of the United States, it’s actual size…. It says, “One mile equals one mile.” …

    I spent the day watching live animation. … Later, Iwas arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli….

    I was once walking through the forest alone and a treefell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it….

    I’m planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album thatteaches you the language — you put the album on, youput headphones on, you learn the language while you’resleeping. During the night, the record skipped. … Igot up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish…. When I go, I’m flying. I’m flying Air Bizarre.It’s a good airline, you buy a combination one-wayround-trip ticket. … You leave any Monday and theybring you back the previous Friday. … That way, youstill have the weekend. …

    Sometimes, you can’t hear what I’m sayin’, it’s ’causesometimes I’m in parentheses. …

    Every once in a while I like to stick my head out mywindow, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellitepicture. …

    I went to the hardware store and bought some usedpaint. … It was in the shape of a house. … I alsobought some batteries, but they weren’t included. …So I had to buy ’em again. …

    It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got ahumidifier and a dehumidifier. … I put ’em in thesame room and let ’em fight it out. … [cheers andapplause — after a slight pause, Wright says, witheven less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. …

    There’s a pizza place near where I live that onlysells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin’ upa triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]…

    I went to a museum where they had all the heads andarms from the statues that are in all the othermuseums. … I had trouble goin’ home from there’cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I cameback, the entire area was gone. … For a while, Ididn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. But I hadnowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to itand leave it runnin’. …

    When I was baby, I kept a diary. … Recently, I wasrereading it. It said, “Day One: Still tired from themove.” … “Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m anidiot.” …

    I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focuson purpose. … So, when the police stop me, they go–[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at thelicense, then handing it back to the driver] Here, youcan go. … One time, they stopped me for speeding andthey said, “Don’t you know the speed limit isfifty-five miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know. ButI wasn’t gonna be out that long.” …

    [Applause]

    Thank you.

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Eddie Murphy: 12/15/84: Killing Time


     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 10: Episode 9





    84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

    Killing Time

    …..Eddie Murphy

    Eddie Murphy: You know what happened? You people out there just missed a dirty joke I told!

    [ Audience laughs and cheers. Eddie belts out his trademark laugh. ]

    Eddie Murphy: You know what happened? They timed the show wrong, right? And they thought the show was going to be 30 seconds longer — and like now -– they don’t have no sketch or NOTHING!

    [ Audience laughs hard. Eddie points to the OFF-SCREEN crew]

    Eddie Murphy: How much time do I have? Eight seconds? Seven… six? Here, quick — I’m gonna play the piano!

    [ Eddie sits down at The Honeydrippers’ piano and starts playing different notes. The audience cheers wildly. ]

    [ DISSOLVE to bumper photo ]

    [ fade ]

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts

    http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

    SNL Transcripts: Eddie Murphy: 12/15/84: White Like Eddie


    White Like Eddie

    …..Eddie Murphy
    Clerk…..Jim Downey


    Eddie Murphy: You know, a lot of people talk about racial prejudice. And some people have gone so far as to say that there are actually two Americas: one black and one white. But talk is cheap. So I decided to look into the problem myself, firsthand. To go underground and actually experience America.. as a white man.

    [ enters Make Up Room ]

    Eddie Murphy Voiceover: I hired the best make-up people in the business. If I was gonna pass as a white man, everything had to be perfect.

    [ make-up is placed on Eddie’s face ]

    Eddie Murphy: Hmm, I think that’s a little light.

    Make-up Artist: Okay, let’s try this. [ applies fake white moustache on Eddie’s lips ]

    Eddie Murphy: That’s, uh.. I look kind of Harry Reemsish.

    Make-up Artist: Mmm, I like it.

    Eddie Murphy: I studied for my role very carefully. I watched lots of “Dynasty”.

    [ show Eddie watching TV ]

    Eddie Murphy: See? See how they walk? Their butts are real tight when they walk. They keep their butts tight. I’ve gotta remember to keep my butt real tight when I walk.

    Eddie Murphy Voiceover: And, I read a whole bunch of Hallmark Cards.

    [ show Eddie reading greeting cards ]

    Eddie Murphy: “For my lovely wife.” That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Go ahead. “You always mean lots more to me than you could ever guess. For you have done so much to fill my life with happiness.”

    Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Finally, I was ready.

    [ Eddie walks onto the street, the perfect portrait of a white man. He enters a convenience store, grabs a newspaper and drops it on the counter. ]

    Clerk: What are you doing?

    Eddie Murphy: I’m buying this newspaper.

    Clerk: That’s all right. There’s nobody around. Go ahead, take it. Take it. [ Eddie gives him a quizzical look ] Go ahead, take it. Yeah. Take it. Take it.

    [ Eddie takes the newspaper, and cautiously exits ]

    Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Slowly, I began to realize that when white people are alone, they give things to each other for free.
    [ cut to Eddie catching a bus. He sits down between two white women. ]

    Eddie Murphy Voiceover: There was only one other black man on the bus. He got off on 45th Street. [ the busdriver looks around the bus carefully, then sets a party in motion, complete with music and cigarette girls ] The problem was much more serious than I’d ever imagined.

    [ cut to Eddie at a bank, talking to a black Loan Officer, discussing budgeting and other money matters ]

    Loan Officer: Now, let me get this straight, Mr., ..uh.. Mr. White. You’d like to borrow $50,000 from our bank, but you have no collateral, you have no credit. You don’t even have any I.D. Is that correct?

    Eddie Murphy: That’s right.

    Loan Officer: Mr. White, I’m sorry. This is not a charity. This is a business

    White Loan Officer: Uh, Harry, why don’t you, uh, take your break now? I’ll take care of.. uh.. Mr. White.

    Loan Officer: Well.. okay. Thanks, Bob. [ exits ]

    White Loan Officer: [ laughs, then sits ] That was a close one, wasn’t it?

    Eddie Murphy: It certainly was.

    White Loan Officer: We don’t have to bother with these formalities, do we, Mr. White? Huh?

    Eddie Murphy: What a silly Negro!

    White Loan Officer: Just take what you want, Mr. White. Pay us back anytime. Or don’t. We don’t care.

    Eddie Murphy: Tell me, do you know of any other banks like this in this area?

    [ cut to Eddie back at the Make-up Room ]

    Eddie Murphy: So, what did I learn from all of this? Well, I learned that we still have a very long way to go in this country before all men are truly equal. But I’ll tell you something. [ pan to reveal Eddie’s black buddies applying white make-up to their faces ] I’ve got a lot of friends, and we’ve got a lot of makeup. So, the next time you’re huggin’ up with some really super, groovy white guy, or you met a really great, super keen white chick, don’t be too sure. They might be black.

    [ fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts

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    SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 10: Episode 10


    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>










    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    Cameos:


    January 12th, 1985

    Kathleen Turner

    John Waite

    None

    None
    Donahue Green RoomSummary: While scouting Donahue’s Green Room for guests he can put on his own show, Fernando (Billy Crystal) meets a pair of midget transvestites, a Nazi (Gary Kroeger), and Bernard Goetz (Rich Hall).

    Recurring Characters: Fernando.

    Transcript

    Montage

    Kathleen Turner’s MonologueSummary: Kathleen Turner points out a fake Jack Nicholson in the audience, then displays images depicting her increased level of cinematic sexiness.

    Also Hosted: 89c.

    Transcript

    MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle WrenchSummary: MacDouglass-Drummond spokesman (Harry Shearer) touts high prices for normal quality items.

    Transcript

    You Know What I Hate?Summary: Willie (Christopher Guest) and Frankie (Billy Crystal) discuss means of self-torture while participating in a waterskiing pyramid.

    Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

    Nose Hair TrimmerSummary: Walter (Gary Kroeger) trims nose hairs on a professional basis.

    Recurring Characters: Walter.

    SafeCoSummary: Dura Guard II Plate Glass is strong enough to withstand impact of Joan Collins’ (Pamela Stephenson) head.

    Recurring Characters: Joan Collins.

    Hypnotism by FireSummary: Before Larry Pacon (Billy Crystal) can take Sharon (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) on a date, her father, Brad (Martin Short), seats him before the fireplace and hypnotizes him to unleash his true intentions for the evening.

    Note: Because he was appearing as a wide variety of characters in multiple back-to-back sketches, Billy Crystal wore a bald cap throughout the show; in this sketch, he wears a wig similar to his own hair. When Martin Short’s characters slaps Crystal in the back of the head, his wig becomes askew, causing the audience, and even Julia Louis-Dreyfus, upon re-entering the scene, to laugh. Crystal appears dumbfounded at the consistent laughter, until Short reaches over to re-adjust the wig, which causes Crystal to laugh as well.

    PredictionsRecurring Characters: Jeane Dixon.

    The Joe Franklin ShowSummary: Joe Franklin’s (Billy Crystal) panel is encompassed by local actress Daphney Clayton (Kathleen Turner), currently starring in “Wake Me When I’m Nude”, a befuddled Alan Arkin (Christopher Guest), and magician Doug Henning (Martin Short).

    Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Doug Henning.

    Transcript

    Boxing StoriesRecurring Characters: Tony Minetti.

    Transcript

    The PickupSummary: Man-hungry Victoria Kingsley (Kathleen Turner) picks up meekish Adam Sherman (Martin Short) at a loft party.

    Note: Writers Andy Breckman and Larry David can spotted walking around as party guests in the background.

    Transcript

    Saturday Night News with Christopher GuestSummary: Gary Kroeger displays his not-so-sexy Kroeger-A-Month calendar for 1985. Doug Henning (Rich Hall) demonstrates a budget-based magic trick.

    Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.

    Note: Not only is Doug Henning impersonated by two cast members in one evening, but Rich Hall also loses his fake teeth while performing the impression.

    Transcript

    John Waite performs “Saturday Night”

    Strictly From BlackwellSummary: Mr. Blackwell (Harry Shearer) interviews dinner theater performer Bobby Bouchet (Martin Short).

    Recurring Characters: Mr. Blackwell.

    Transcript

    GoodnightsTranscript

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Strictly From Blackwell



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 10: Episode 10



    84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

    Strictly From Blackwell

    Mr. Blackwell … Harry Shearer
    Bobby Bouchet … Martin Short

    [Card reads: STRICTLY FROM BLACKWELL. We hear thehushed, mellow, oddly cadenced voice of fashion expertMr. Blackwell before we dissolve to him. He is awrinkled, gray-haired, purple plaid-jacketed,microphone-wielding talk show host who addresses thecamera.]

    Mr. Blackwell: From the newest of the newaddresses on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, a selectionof four designer boutiques inside one fabulousstorefront, Le Boutiqueteria, direct from the secondfloor, this is Strictly From Blackwell. I amBlackwell.

    [Pull wide to reveal Blackwell’s guest seated next tohim — a jittery, nervous, mustachioed, blow-dried,turtleneck-wearing theatrical type guy named BobbyBouchet. The two men sit beneath a sign reading “LeBoutiqueteria” on a stylish talk show set.]

    Mr. Blackwell: And joining us today is a youngman involved in the musical theater — we will talk,we will have good conversation — currently in “IrmaLa Douce.” What a delight that this show has beenbrought back at the James Franciscus Dinner Theater… in nearby La Mirada, California. Mr. BobbyBouchet. Bobby, welcome.

    Bobby Bouchet: [equally hushed mellow voice]Thank you.

    Mr. Blackwell: You know … you’re doing dinnertheater in La Mirada which I feel– I would not dodinner theater in a Hollywood, in a Beverly Hills, ina Sherman Oaks, in a Studio City. In a Westwood -[chortles] – no way – would I do dinnertheater in a Westwood. I would in a La Mirada.Interesting.

    Bobby Bouchet: Well, La Mirada … has a lot ofolder folks and they are really wanting to see a showbut they also want to eat.

    Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

    Bobby Bouchet: And, uh, so, there’s aninteresting package. They get the show –

    Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

    Bobby Bouchet: – and they get the – the – thefood.

    Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

    Bobby Bouchet: And they get, uh, uh, allgratuities. And they get four different kinds of saladdressings.

    Mr. Blackwell: There is a choice ofdressings? …

    Bobby Bouchet: There is four dressings. With -with one salad included, of course.

    Mr. Blackwell: Yes.

    Bobby Bouchet: And it’s all for twenty-sevenninety-nine.

    Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

    Bobby Bouchet: Plus — they don’t have to seethe whole show.

    Mr. Blackwell: They do not have to seethe whole show?

    Bobby Bouchet: No. Because it’s not the wholeshow. It’s – it’s an abridged version. It’s like thatdinner theater type of – of theater.

    Mr. Blackwell: You could not see the whole showif you wanted?

    Bobby Bouchet: No.

    Mr. Blackwell: This is like what they do in LasVegas where they – they give you just the crême de lacream of the show … And you’re – you’reseeing the best numbers and the bestmoments and the best songs and the bestcostumes and the best sets — and still you’reout in an hour.

    Bobby Bouchet: [proudly] And … Robert Claryof “Hogan’s Heroes” staged it for us.

    Mr. Blackwell: [genuinely delighted] Did he?… Did he?

    Bobby Bouchet: That’s not too bad.

    Mr. Blackwell: He does wonderful work.How many … How many in the company?

    Bobby Bouchet: Well, uh, the original Broadwayproduction, which I stayed clear of, because I – Ididn’t really want to be affected by it– You want tobring your own th – thing to it–

    Mr. Blackwell: This is good. This isgood.

    Bobby Bouchet: But – but – but – the originalBroadway production has, uh, had forty, fifty peoplein it. Ours is more scaled down.

    Mr. Blackwell: Sure.

    Bobby Bouchet: We have – we have seven peoplein it. …

    Mr. Blackwell: This is interesting, I think, tothe audience on the cable. What is – a “douce”?I have heard that it is French slang for atart, for a prostitute. Is this true? Isthis what the show is about, Bobby?

    Bobby Bouchet: Exactly. But, you see, peopleare eating, so we – we kind of stay clear of that and- and we have more fun with her being aprostitute.

    Mr. Blackwell: [laughs lustily] I love that!”Fun with her being a prostitute”! [laughs, suddenlymellow again] That is good fun. Okay, when … Whenyou say they’re eating — and now–?

    Bobby Bouchet: I brought you a menu, to explainbetter. [excitedly pulls out a huge menu labeled “BILLOF FARE” and hands it to Blackwell]

    Mr. Blackwell: Fabulous. This is wonderful – toshare with our viewers. Okay, look, let – let usmaybe– Can we get a – a close-up on the other camera- [holds menu up to wrong camera] – and just show whatwe are doing here? Does this work? Okay, now … Allright, this way? Okay. [angle changes – turns menu towrong camera again, reads from menu] This is the …the, uh, Backstage Cut, which is the regular roastbeef, which is thirteen ninety-five. I must tell you.I defy anyone — [drops menu, Bobby retrieves it forhim and puts it in his lap] oh, to find a regularprime rib of this quality – and I’ve nothad the meat there – but, er, just looking at themenu, you can see the quality of the food in thepresentation of the show. … which I do want to see.But I don’t think anywhere in a La Mirada you can geta prime rib for that. I don’t know.

    Bobby Bouchet: Oh, no, no, no. You’re not -You’re not gonna get a better prime rib than thatanywhere. In fact – fact, people who’ve seen the showhave just come back to eat.

    Mr. Blackwell: That is wonderful. … There isa Twin Bill, which is the double lamb chops, which Ilove. There is the, uh, Leading Man/LeadingLady, which is the steak and lobster. [sets the largemenu down] I love the size of the menus, like the bigbulky sweaters. Okay, your big songs, Bobby, arewhat?

    Bobby Bouchet: “From a Prison Cell.”

    Mr. Blackwell: That’s the name of thesong?

    Bobby Bouchet: That’s the name of thesong.

    Mr. Blackwell: Okay, and you do thatwhere?

    Bobby Bouchet: In a prison cell. By the saladbar.

    Mr. Blackwell: Okay, good. Now … I wasreading a little bit about your background. You haveinteresting parents. Should we say “interestingparents”? Is this fair to say?

    Bobby Bouchet: [nods, grins] Oh, you mean mybiological parents? You’re talking about my biologicalparents now? Yes, well, this is something I like totalk about but, a lot of times, I get a lot of flakfor it but, uh, anyway, uh – uh – uh – My biologicalparents were – John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe….

    Mr. Blackwell: Interesting. The ones we’veheard of?

    Bobby Bouchet: The president and the moviestar, yes.

    Mr. Blackwell: Okay, but w-w-w-when you saythey were your parents — did you knowthem?

    Bobby Bouchet: Well, I mean, youcouldn’t know them — they were so much in thepublic eye.

    Mr. Blackwell: Isn’t that sad?

    Bobby Bouchet: Yeah.

    Mr. Blackwell: Isn’t that true? Uh, so who didyou grow up knowing as the “Mom,” as the”Dad”?

    Bobby Bouchet: My legal parents. And I lovethem and – and everything but – but they – they didnot know that I was related to John F. Kennedy andMarilyn Monroe.

    Mr. Blackwell: They adopted you?

    Bobby Bouchet: Well, they won’t admit it. Theywon’t claim it. So, uh, I – They– According to them,I am their biological son and – and – and I love them,as I said, and respect them, and because I resideunder their roof–

    Mr. Blackwell: Well, you – you pay them therespect that they deserve.

    Bobby Bouchet: And pretend to be biologicallyrelated to them. …

    Mr. Blackwell: Okay, you know, I’ve known youfor a very short period of time, Bobby, but there isan integrity to you and an authority anda belief in yourself which I say more peoplethese days should have. What I hear is a simplywonderful production of “Irma La Douce”– The threepiece ensemble provides music. That is what? Piano?

    Bobby Bouchet: Organ and harp.

    Mr. Blackwell: Piano, organ and harp. … Toget a very full feeling to the show. Bobby Bouchet. Itwas a pleasure to meet you. It really was.

    Bobby Bouchet: This wasn’t so bad.

    Mr. Blackwell: No, this wasn’t at all. BobbyBouchet – on stage – in front of – the food – … in”Irma La Douce” down in La Mirada. I wanted to ask himif he ever ad libs in a musical. I’ve always wanted toask an actor this –

    Bobby Bouchet: [shakes his head, amused]No.

    Mr. Blackwell: – but we don’t have time, wemust vanish. Next — for the first time, theWorst-Dressed Men List. This should be fun! Till then,strictly from Blackwell. Bye-bye.

    [Blackwell converses with his guest as we pull backand a kind of “Holiday for Strings”-type theme musicplays. Applause. Dissolve back to opening title card.Fade.]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: Donahue Green Room



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 10: Episode 10





    84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

    Donahue Green Room

    Fernando…..Billy Crystal
    Nazi…..Gary Kroeger
    Bernard Goetz…..Rich Hall

    [ open on Fernando standing outside the Donahue Green Room ]

    Fernando: Saludos, my friends! Hello, it is I, Fernando. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you, darlings, thank you. We have got a special treat for some of you, and you know who you are. As you know, my friends, Phil Donahue – you know who Phil Donahue is, another talk show host with the grey hair, but he does not look as mahvelous,/i> as me. Mr. Donahue began broadcasting his television show from New York this week. So, you know what I thought, since I love you all very much, and you know who you are. I thought we’d go into Phil’s Green Room, look around, maybe catch a peek of ol’ Snowy Top himself. Okay? So, let’s go – let’s mingle!

    [ Fernando enters the Green Room, where he immediately spots two midget transvestites and a Nazi ]

    Fernando: I tell you, my friends, this is exciting – two midget transvestites and a Nazi! I tell you, this is going to be some Phil Donahue show, I’ll tell you that right now! [ He sits next to the two midget transvestites ] May I? [ chuckles ] Hello, my little darlings.

    Midget Transvestite #1: Hi.

    Fernando: Let me get something.. straight. Okay? You are.. two midget men.. who dress like two midget women?

    Midget Transvestites: Ye-es.

    Fernamdo: Well, you’d never know it. I’ll tell you that. Because, you look mahvelous! You — this is fabulous – you look like an Ann Miller doll. May I say that to you? And you, you sort of look like a Charo, you know what I’m saying? Charo, but not really. You are Joan Blondell, up close – who used to park next to me at RKO, gave me a ding every time she parked her car. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! No, you do, darling. Keep them together, you know what I’m saying? There’s people here. Alright.

    [ Fernando moves over to sit next to the Nazi ]

    Fernando: Hello.

    Nazi: Hi.

    Fernando: How do you do? Are you on the show, too?

    Nazi: Yes!

    Fernando: Hmm. And, uh.. who’s that? [ points to Bernard Goetz ] Who’s that?

    Nazi: [ in a whisper ] That’s Bernard Goetz.

    Fernando: [ doesn’t recognize him ] Bernard Goetz? The jazz musician?

    Nazi: No, that’s Stan Getz.

    Fernando: Oh.

    Nazi: He’s the Subway Vigilante.

    Fernando: [ eyes widen, excited ] He looks mahvelous! I gotta talk to him, and try to get him on my show, you know what I mean?

    Nazi: That’s a good idea.

    Fernando: Thank you, Nazi! This is a very good color for you.

    [ Fernando moves over to meet Bernard Goetz ]

    Fernando: Excuse me, Mr. Goetz? How do you do? My name is Fernando, and I have a little talk show called “The Hideaway”, and.. I would go crazy if you would consider being on my show. All the celebrities in town come to do it, and it would be fantastic if you would just say.. yes.

    Bernard Goetz: Sure.

    Fernando: You will?

    Bernard Goetz: Sure.

    Fernando: [ excited ] Ohhh, this is unbelievable! This is.. this is amazing! I’ve got to call my producer and tell him that I’ve got Bernard Goetz on my show! This is unbelievable, this is fantastic! [ rushes across the room to the payphone, passing the midget transvestites along the way ] You two still look mahvelous! [ picks up payphone to dial, fishing in his pocket for a quarter ] This is great, because I have had a lot of trouble with guests – Barry Manilow cancelled, and it’s really hard to get people in town, you know, I — [ Fernando can’t find a quarter in his pockets ] Uh.. Bernard..? Do you have a quarter?

    Bernard Goetz: [ raises his head slowly with vengeance in his dark eyes ] Yeah, I’ve got a quarter! You want a quarter? [ He walks slowly towards Fernando, his hand reaching into his jacket pocket ] I’ve got a quarter for you right here, pal.. I’ve got a nice quarter for ya’!

    Fernando: Oh no! No, Bernie, no, please! Don’t do it! Oh no, what did I do?! I’m so stupid! Please, don’t do it! But, if you must – shoot me from here down, because, even if I’m wounded, I’ll still look mahvelous!

    [ Bernard pulls out a quarter, surprising Fernando with his act ]

    Bernard Goetz: Oh boy, did you fall for that one!

    Fernando: [ relieved ] Oh boy, that is a quarter! Oh, you got me good there, Bernie Goetz!

    Bernard Goetz: [ laughing ] Oh, were you shining!

    Fernando: I’m shining?

    Bernard Goetz: You should have seen yourself flinch! [ throws his arm in front of the midget transvestites and Nazi ] Did you guys see him! [ midget transvestites and the Nazi throw themselves to the floor in fear ] Everybody’s so jumpy around here! It’s unbelievable.

    Fernando: This is amazing, Bernard Goetz, I’ll tell you that right now. You are something else. I am.. I’m really glad to meet you. And after meeting you, I’ve got to tell you one thing. I am glad to be.. alive from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

    SNL Transcripts

    The Adopted Son of the President of the United States


    The Adopted Son of the President of the United States

    Michael Reagan…..Jim Belushi


    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Adopted Son of the President of the United States.

    Michael Reagan: My fellow Americans, I am speaking to you tonight, not as the adopted son of the President of the United States, but as Michael Reagan, private citizen.

    Recently, certain family members and high government officials have blatantly used their authority by making statements about.. oh.. uh, certain private citizens of this great country of ours.

    As the adopted son of the President of the United States, let me assure you that I would never, ever use my family name to embarrass other family members. Or to write letters to military bases to try and get aerospace contracts. Well, alright.. I might use it to try to get contracts.. but I would never use it to embarrass family members. Not like a certain stepmother of mine who did! Of course.. a stepmother’s not really a family member.. I mean, not an actual blood relative. Of course, now, uh, neither am I – I’m adopted. So, I guess I could use my name to embarrass other family members, couldn’t I? Well, good! Alright!

    So, let me start right off by saying – you know Ron Reagan, the family dancer?

    [ phone rings ]

    Oh, he’s married, alright! Sure, like Charles Naughton was married! [ answers phone ] Hello. Oh, uh.. hi, Dad.. Uh, what? Oh, no, no, oh, uh.. nothing, nothing, no.. I was just gonna say, uh.. I was just gonna say, uh.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kathleen Turner: 01/12/85: The Joe Franklin Show



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 10: Episode 10




    84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

    The Joe Franklin Show

    Joe Franklin … Billy Crystal
    Alan Arkin … Christopher Guest
    Daphne Clayton … Kathleen Turner
    Doug Henning … Martin Short

    [Music: an uptempo piano version of “Twelfth StreetRag.” SUPER: “The Joe Franklin Show” over a successionof black and white photos of old movie stars: W. C.Fields, Al Jolson (in blackface), Eddie Cantor, MaeWest, the Marx Brothers (in “Go West”), Spencer Tracy,Buster Keaton (in “The Navigator”), Humphrey Bogart(in “The African Queen”), Laurel and Hardy (in “You’reDarn Tootin'”). Finally, we dissolve to the darkened,book-lined set of Joe Franklin’s talk show. The lightscome up and we dissolve to legendary talk show host,seated stiffly at his desk, wearing a plaidsuit.]

    Joe Franklin: Well, a, er, good – good evening,my friends. As always, I am Joe Franklin, eh, comingto you for our very good friends, our sponsors:Hoffman Beverages, Matzohs by Streit’s “For theUnleavened Experience of a Lifetime … er, MartinPaints, “Martin Paints — It Ain’t Just Paints” and,uh, joining us today, proudly, a, er, new sponsorcalled Bye Bye Hair. It is the only depilatory.Sitting with us, my friends, three, eh, super-duperpeople, uh, Mr. Doug Henning. [Henning, seated in alotus position, is a long-haired, bucktoothed,mustachioed wimp in a skintight, multicolored shirt]… He’s a magician extraordinaire. Now you see him,now you don’t, my friends. And, uh, one of our topactors, even alphabetically, Mr. Alan Arkin. [Arkinnods unenthusiastically] … And, welcoming today, adebut of sorts, if you will, a new, rising star, Ms.Daphne Clayton. [Daphne, grinning broadly, is a sexybut nervous redheaded amateur – Joe holds up a posteradvertising her show] Er, Daphne is now appearing, myfriends, in a new original revue called, er, “Wake MeWhen I’m Nude.” … Er, so I’m excited. Alan, AlanArkin, tell us how you, uh, feel about sitting on thispanel of superstars.

    Alan Arkin: [arms crossed, nods, nasal voice]Uh, feels good, Joe. Huh!

    Joe Franklin: Er … Doug, Doug Henning, er, inyour magic show, would you have a place for a young,sophisticated beauty like Daphne Clayton?

    Doug Henning: [spaced out, trippy, New Agevoice] Well, there’s always room for beauty – in theworld of magic, Joe! … For magic is the spirit ofillusion. And illusion can be magical. Like this![reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls out a bouquet offlowers, hands it to Daphne]

    Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What areyou doing?

    Daphne Clayton: [gasps, genuinely amazed] Ohhh,I can’t believe–! That’s terrific!

    Doug Henning: Read the card!

    Daphne Clayton: [looks at the bouquet] Thereisn’t one.

    Doug Henning: There’s always a card – in theworld of magic! [reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls outa playing card, hands it to Daphne]

    Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What areyou doing?

    Daphne Clayton: Oh! Look! [hands card toJoe]

    Joe Franklin: [also genuinely amazed] Look atthat. See that? Now, I didn’t– Did you see it come?Not from anywhere. That is something. I, er, I, er,didn’t see a thing. Alan, er, what did you think aboutthat?

    Alan Arkin: That’s unbelievable. It’samazing.

    Doug Henning: AND it’s magical!

    Joe Franklin: [holds up poster again] Er,Daphne, er, Clayton, the, er, the show is called,uh–

    Daphne Clayton: “Wake Me When I’mNude.”

    Joe Franklin: Uh huh. And it is being done atthe American Legion Post 118, er, which is locatedat–

    Daphne Clayton: That’s at Exit 6 — it’s rightacross from Mr. Donut.

    Joe Franklin: Ah! The, er, “Wake Me When I’mNude” — this sounds like a family show.

    Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes! It’s a show that thewhole family could enjoy, Joe.

    Joe Franklin: Oh, good. Alan Arkin, er, haveyou ever seen, er, this show?

    Alan Arkin: No. No.

    Daphne Clayton: [to Alan Arkin] Oh, pleasecome. It’s free. And – and they have apple juice anddoughnuts during intermission.

    Alan Arkin: [mildly amused] Huh!

    Doug Henning: Oh, that sounds wonderful! Butwhen you speak of refreshments, do you have anassortment – [holds up an empty metal bowl, covers it,then uncovers it, revealing a bowl full of cheese] -of cheeses?! [hands cheese bowl to Daphne]

    Daphne Clayton: Oh! Now, that’s what I callmagic! [hands cheese bowl to Joe]

    Joe Franklin: Isn’t that magic? And what wouldbe truly magical is if this cheese was served on theMatzohs by Streit’s, my friends. Wash it down with theHoffman Beverages. On a hairless body by Bye Bye Hairin a room by Martin Paints, “Martin Paints — It Ain’tJust Paints,” my friends. Alan, er, this is exciting.Any advice to this up and coming super-duperstar?

    Alan Arkin: Uh, no, not really, Joe,no.

    Joe Franklin: But, uh, we do, uh, have a treat,my friends, Ms. Daphne Clayton is going to, uh, singone of the tunes from the show. Daphne, er, do youwant to explain, er, this song before we hearit?

    Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes, yeah. It’s a scenewhere I’m mad at my husband Larry.

    Joe Franklin: Mm hmm.

    Daphne Clayton: And his best friend Barrythinks that I’m mad at him, too, and so he leaves. Andthat is the first time I’m left alone thatday.

    Joe Franklin: [after an awkward pause] So,let’s sit back, my friends, and, er, listen to thismusical treat, from Daphne Clayton, from “Wake – Me -When – I’m – Nude” – coming – up – right -now.

    [Excited, Daphne rises to sing her song. A pianoplays. After an extremely long vamp, Daphne finallybegins – but the voice we hear is prerecorded andDaphne emphatically and ineptly lip syncs the entirething. Joe, reading some papers at his desk, payslittle attention. Arkin, arms folded, can’t believehow bad she is — or how interested Doug Henning seemsto be in her awful performance.]

    Daphne Clayton: [spoken melodramatically]Larry, take this ring and get out! And stay out!
    [sings]
    Eight a.m., fix his breakfast
    Toast, juice, eggs, scrambled well
    Pick up his socks, drop off the kids,
    Shampoo the rug and the dog!
    Hey!
    What about myself?
    What about my life?
    Don’t I get a break?
    Larry! Wake up!
    It’s nineteen eighty-threeeeeeeeeeee!

    [Daphne finishes big, no one applauds, deafeningsilence. She sits back down.]

    Joe Franklin: That, uh, is exciting. That’svery exciting, Daphne. I tell you, my friends, I lovenew talent, we discover new talent here. Daphne, youare a future-duper star. Let me ask you this. What doyou think about Ben Turpin? [holds up photo of thecross-eyed silent movie comedian] Do you, uh, have anystories? Are there any anecdotes?

    Daphne Clayton: Uh, I don’t know who thatis.

    Joe Franklin: But Alan Arkin, my friends–Alan, you are the actor’s actor. He writes, hedirects, he does stage, he does films. Alan, the SuperBowl game — any predictions?

    Alan Arkin: What are you talking about?

    Joe Franklin: The, eh, game, eh, Miami, SanFrancisco, who’s gonna win?

    Alan Arkin: [shrugs, shakes his head] Uh, Idon’t know.

    Joe Franklin: Er, Doug – Henning, as we wrap upthis gold medal-winning show, my friends, and itis — you feel it, I feel it, we all feel it –Doug, any New Year’s resolutions for 1985?

    Doug Henning: I resolve – that each day will befilled with magical possibilities. And thesepossibilities, because they are magic, will be onlyillusions!

    Alan Arkin: [after a beat, annoyed, to DougHenning] What are you talking about?

    Joe Franklin: I’m putting this show in my timecapsule, my friends. One of the all-time favoriteshows. [“Twelfth Street Rag” pots up, signaling theend of the program, Joe holds up the poster one lasttime] Daphne Clayton, darling, please come back. Theshow, “Wake Me When I’m Nude.”

    Daphne Clayton: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Joe.And – and, please come, it’s free!

    Joe Franklin: Well, we’ll drive down, I hope.Doug, a great star. More car commercials, uh, Broadwayshow, and then you are going to–?

    Doug Henning: Off to Toronto, to try my hand ina little dramatic fare, in a play entitled “MassAppeal” with the wondrously talented JimBackus.

    Joe Franklin: And, of course, er, AlanArkin.

    Alan Arkin: No.

    Joe Franklin: Well, er, that is it for today,my friends, we will see you soon. And, er, for now,Joe Franklin simply saying, “Let’s all wave goodbye.”Bye-bye.

    [Applause as Joe and Daphne wave goodbye. Alan Arkinsits lifelessly with his hands in his lap. DougHenning magically produces a cane with a scarf at theend of it as we fade out.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts