President Ronald Reagan: My fellow Americans.. as you know, a Constitutional amendment to allow prayer in public schools has long been one of my most cherished goals. And most folks think it’s a pretty good idea. But, our efforts have been almost blindsided by a small group of self-appointed people. People who say that, even the simplest little prayer would make their kids feel.. left out. Well, of course, the facts prove otherwise.
Earlier this week, Nancy visited a classroom in Morristown, New Jersey. And, out of 36 fourth-graders, 34 said that they’d like a morning prayer break. And no one singled out.. the remaining children. Emily Handelman, 28 Cedar Boulevard; and Gupta Ramish, 1151 north Main Street, Apt. 3A.
Even so, out of fear of offending these two, 34 good kids aren’t allowed to.. talk to their Creator in the morning. Well, that’s going to change. In my second administration, we’re going to introduce into Congress a compromise law that would give every single non-praying child.. this armband. It says, simply, “I decline to pray.” Well, it’s an easily-seen reminder to other students, of his or her religious beliefs. So, with your help on this Tuesday, November 6th.. 34 kids in New Jersey will have God back in school. And, 2 others? Well.. they won’t have a prayer.
Announcer: Paid for by Young Christians For Reagan.
Host … Harry Shearer Vincent Price … Michael McKean
[Graphic: PBS PLEDGEBRATION – Dissolve to a two-tieredphone bank full of seated volunteers who answerringing telephones, collect pledges, and talk amongstthemselves as part of a public TV station fundraisingdrive. As we pull back, an earnest, bespectacled hostwalks into view and abruptly addresses thecamera.]
Host: Okay! As we’ve been reminding you allevening long, our fine PBS programming is running justa little bit late tonight because of our special FallPledge-a-bration. It’s now – [checks wristwatch] -eight thirty-five. We’ll be joining our scheduledprogram at – [checks wristwatch] – eight forty-five.It’s a rollicking new comedy series from Britain, “ABun in the Oven,” a domestic farce about a young manwhose wife must perpetually pretend to be pregnant orthey’ll be evicted from their council flat — or whatwe’d call “public housing.”
And speaking of “public”: YOU — are the “public” in”public television.” That’s right. Only seventy-fivepercent of our funds come from oil companies. We needyou. We count on you. You’re the reason we interruptour fine programming to remind you that, without you,there would be no “public” in “public television” andthere would be no fine programming to interrupt toremind you that we need you.
We’re delighted to have with us here at PledgebrationCentral tonight, the distinguished star of stage,screen, scary movies — AND public television, too –please welcome, Mr. Vincent Price!
[Applause as we dissolve to Vincent Price standing infront of a podium, wearing a tuxedo, graciouslyacknowledging the crowd.]
Vincent Price: Edgar Lee Masters — the authorof the American classic “Spoon River Anthology” –never lived to see public television. And it’s a shamewe can’t send videotapes of this fine PBS fare up tohis lonely crypt on Spoon Hill. I think he’d get akick out of “Newton’s Apple,” don’t you?
Whenever I’m at home with my wife, the actress CoralBrowne, and we’re watching public television together,I often forget she’s in the room. The programming isTHAT fine. But I have another, more personal, reasonfor urging you to support public television. You see,without these fine programmers who occasionally seefit to employ this humble mummer, I’d be spending manya morning at the Hanna-Barbera office playing thevoice of the evil Doctor von Blowfish in the Snorksseries.
Which brings me to a blatant plug for my new projecthere on the public airwaves. What we’ve done is totake the cooking show out of the kitchen and put it ina spooky old library. Won’t you join me now for apreview of my exciting new series, “Recipe”?
[Price holds up a folder marked RECIPE and, as thestudio lights darken, he opens the folder and readsfrom it.]
Vincent Price: “Fave Dolci”! Or — “Dead Man’sBeans.”
Now, the origins of this somewhat morbid name areobscure but, in many cultures, beans were connectedwith death or the souls of the departed. But thistasty sweet makes a safe if somewhat tardy Halloweentreat.
[Dark, low string instruments play a minor melody asPrice adopts a melodramatic mood.]
Vincent Price: [dramatically, as if reading apoem by Poe] Crush two-thirds of a cup of sweet almonds in amortar, With three-quarters of a cup of sugar, Four tablespoons of butter, [ominously] And one egg.
Mix well. Add the grated rind of half a lemon, And work into a smooth paste.
Flour your hands! And roll the paste into a long tube. Cut this tube into bean-sized pieces. Arrange them! Well-spaced, On a greased baking sheet. And squash them lightly to effect an ovalshape.
[Music ends, lights come up.]
Vincent Price: [mischievously] I’m not going totell you at what temperature to bake it or for howlong. You’ll just have to watch the show. So — joinme, my wife, the actress Coral Browne, and some otherdistinguished doily-sniffers on “Recipe” — comingthis January on PBS. Programming so fine, it almostseems like fun.
[Dissolve back to the host standing before thevolunteers.]
Host: Thank you, Mr. Price. Stay with us. Nexthour, Mr. Steve Allen joins us to tell a fascinatingstory of why Jayne Meadows is in show business.Meantime, Pledgebration continues — so won’t youwatch till it hurts?
…..Michael McKean Voice of Audience Member…..Larry David
Michael McKean: Thank you! Thank you very much! Ohhhhh, that is so invigorating! Thank you very much, and thank you, “Saturday Night Live”, for having me on the program! For an actor.. for an actor, this is the best of all possible worlds. I’m working in New York – it’s my hometown. I’m doing live television – which is a little terrifying, but wonderful. I’m working with the whole “Saturday Night” gang, and they’re just the best. All this – and Chaka Khan, too. Huh? [ audience applauds wildly ] It’s a rhetorical question now – what more could an actor ask for. And I say “actor” advisedly. I’m not really a monologist, I’m not a stand-up comic – I do comedy, yes, but uh.. it’s really not all I do. And, uh.. I’d like to break the ice a little, if I may now, with something kind of different. This is an 18th Century Scottish a capella dirge.. and I hope you enjoy it.
[ singing ] “Ohhhhhhh, Lord I have seen the daaaaayy..”
Voice of Audience Member: [ interrupting continuously ] Hey, Lenny! .. Yo! Len-ny! .. “Laverne & Shirley”! .. Hey! How’s your short friend Squiggy?! .. Hey, where’s Squiggy, Lenny?!
Michael McKean: [ stops singing ] No.. I’ll handle it, Bob. Sir? Sir, whoever you are.. do you know anything about performers? Performers are human beings, sir! If I don’t deserve your respect, at least I deserve your attention! I apppreciate that you know me as Lenny – that’s fine. But.. d-did you see “Spinal Tap”? Did you know as “This Is Spinal Tap”? The actor-musician? “This Is Spinal Tap” received marvelous reviews and did great business!
Voice of Audience Member: No..
Michael McKean: Do you know me as the actor who worked in 1969 at the Eugene O’Neill Playwrights Foundation Conference?!
Voice of Audience Member: Yeah, I’m familiar with that..
Michael McKean: Do you know any of this, sir?! What do I have to do to get your respect, sir?! Doi you want me to do Hamlet?! I’ve done Hamlet! I did Hamlet! And, frankly, I think my Hamlet would be wasted on you.
[ sings ]
“Ohhhhhhh, Lord I –“
Voice of Audience Member: Hey, Hamlet! Where’s Squiggy?!
Michael McKean: [ stops singing ] I’ll talk to you later. [ to the audience ] Thank you very much – have a good time, in spite of him.
… Pamela Stephenson Harry Shearer …. Mark Shubb Michael McKean … Jerry Palter Christopher Guest … Alan Barrows
[Pamela Stephenson stands in front of the newsstand atHome Base addressing the camera.]
Pamela Stephenson: This week, Saturday NightLive is proud to present the reunion of one of thegreat folk groups of the early 1960s, the legendaryFolksmen. Earlier this week, our cameras were therefor their first rehearsal together in nearly twentyyears.
[Cut to film segment. The Folksmen, threecasually-dressed middle-aged men who vaguely resemblethe popular old folk group The Kingston Trio, rehearsein what looks like a little college classroom, tuningtheir stringed instruments noisily.]
Alan Barrows: That’s close enough, isn’tit?
[Cut to solo interview footage of bespectacledguitarist Jerry Palter, the only member who seems tohave kept all of his hair – and most of his sanity.SUPER: Jerry Palter]
Jerry Palter: There’s nothing wrong with the -the rock ‘n’ roll and let the kids have a good timebecause, uh, er, that’s what youth is. Youth is – ishaving a good time. [big grin] But man is an acousticinstrument.
[Cut to solo interview footage of bald but beardedstand-up bass player Mark Shubb, the mostsocially-concerned member of the group. SUPER: MarkShubb]
Mark Shubb: Basically, we retained our thrust,I think, all the way through and that was, you know,the Folksmen were – were a good time — and a lotmore.
[Cut to solo interview footage of balding,bespectacled Alan Barrows, the mellowest, spaciest,most burnt-out of these sixties survivors. SUPER: AlanBarrows]
Alan Barrows: When folk music, uh, as we knew,ended, it was a nightmare for me. I – I– It took metwo years of just literal nightmares, waking up in themiddle of the night and – and wrenching my neck,screaming, uh, to – to – uh, to – to get used to thefact that this was no more.
[As Barrows speaks, we dissolve to an old 1960sFolksmen album entitled TRAVELIN’ – the cover imageshows the young group with all their hair – it’s onthe “Hootsville” label and features their hit song”Old Joe’s Place.” Cut to rehearsal footage of thegroup in the little room. Barrows plays a zither andsings an extremely corny barnyard number:]
Alan Barrows: [sings] The cow goes moo! And the pig goes [snuffle]! And the chickens go chick-a-dick-a-dee! And the dog goes ruff! And the cat goes meow! It’s a barnyard symphony!
[During this goofy ode, we pan over to Shubb on bassand Palter on guitar solemnly playingaccompaniment.]
Jerry Palter: Makes me think about when thekids were – were young. You know, when Barry and youused to play together–
Alan Barrows: Well, I used to sing that song toBarry. Sure.
Jerry Palter: I’m sure he stillremembers.
Mark Shubb: [bluntly] Makes me think that, er,they’re going to boo us off the stage if we dothat.
Jerry Palter: Right.
[Quick dissolve to later in the rehearsal:]
Jerry Palter: You know, we might want to startoff with, is – the, uh–
Mark Shubb: Not – not–
Jerry Palter: Not “Old Joe’s Place.”
Alan Barrows: Not “Old Joe’s Place.”
Jerry Palter: No.
Alan Barrows: For God’s sake–
Mark Shubb: Don’t throw that at me.
Jerry Palter: The, um, the – the traindisaster. “The Old ’97.”
Alan Barrows: “The Old 97,” sure.
Jerry Palter: I think it’s a greatnumber.
Alan Barrows: Yeah.
[Cut to the trio (Barrow now on mandolin) as they playa rollicking version of “The Old 97” – Palter andShubb bob their heads to the rhythm.]
Mark Shubb: [to Palter] Like riding abicycle.
Jerry Palter: [sings] Blood on the tra-acks, blood in the mine! Brothers and sisters, what a terrible time! Old Ninety-Seven went in the wrong hole Now, in Mine Number Sixty, there’s blood on thecoal!
Alan Barrows: [joins in] Blood on thecoal!
Mark Shubb: [joins in] Blood on thecoal!
[All three voices harmonize beautifully and stretchthe word “coal.”]
Jerry Palter: [instructs the group] Really makethat swell.
Alan Barrows: [nods, to Palter] Do you think weshould–?
Jerry Palter: [interrupts, sings averse] Seventeenth of April in the year of Ninety-One ‘Bout a mile below the surface and the West Virginiasunnnnnnnn One shift was ending and the early shift was late And the foreman ate his dinner from a dirty – tin -plate!
Mark Shubb: [cheesy deep-throated interjection]Hey!
The Folksmen: [all sing the chorus] Blood on the tracks, blood on the mine! Brothers and sisters, what a terribletime!
Jerry Palter: [breaks off singing, interrupts]You know what? [all stop playing] It’s – it’s – it’sgonna – it’s gonna start getting long though, Ithink.
Alan Barrows: Yeah.
Mark Shubb: [bluntly] It already did.
Jerry Palter: Yeah. Because we’ve got all thosechorus repeats and all those verses and, uh–
Mark Shubb: Well, this is something I alwayswanted to say when we were doing it.
Alan Barrows: Cut the two middleverses.
Mark Shubb: Cut the repeats of thechoruses.
[Cut to solo interview footage of Palter:]
Jerry Palter: When Albert Lilienthal called usand said, “Would you like to do this show?” I mean,just– of course, he’s a legend. He’s the man whobooked all the great folk acts. He’s the man whoestablished the Eighty-eight Cent Hoot at the Seaman’sInstitute and all these – these remarkable things.Giving young performers a place to start andeverything. And here he was calling us “old fogies,”you know, and it just– I got such a kick out of itand I said, “I’m there.”
[Cut to rehearsal footage of the group in the littleroom.]
Jerry Palter: You know the train isgonna crash into the mine. I mean, it’s just–
Mark Shubb: If you know what’s gonna happen,why sing – why sing the song?
Jerry Palter: Well–
Alan Barrows: But, you know– But that’s likesaying, when you go – you go and see a movie like”Moby Dick,” you know he’s big.
[Cut to solo interview footage of Barrows at hismellowest:]
Alan Barrows: I’ve been teaching for, uh,thirteen years, at Swarthmore. I teach a creativewriting course and, uh, I teach, uh — not connectedwith university — but I teach a yoga class on theside, uh, as well, Wednesdays and Saturdays.
[Cut to rehearsal footage of the group in the littleroom as they squabble politely over which song tosing.]
Jerry Palter: [to Shubb, who nods] I’d love tobe able to do the Spanish song.
Alan Barrows: We could do the barnyard number.It’s only a minute.
Mark Shubb: [to Palter] “Valencia”?
Jerry Palter: [patiently, to Barrows] Well, Idon’t think we’re gonna do the barnyard–
Mark Shubb: “Valencia”? Now, if we do”Valencia,” then I’d say cut all the verses becausethen we’re telling a story–
Jerry Palter: [to Barrows] What do you think ofthat? What do you think of doing “Valencia”?
Alan Barrows: It’s in Spanish! I don’t remembermy Spanish.
Jerry Palter: Well, I don’t rememberit–
Mark Shubb: You don’t have to remember.We can fake it. But it’s a Spanish Civil Warsong…
Alan Barrows: Yeah.
Mark Shubb: … it says we’re stillconcerned.
Alan Barrows: Yeah.
[Cut to solo interview footage of Shubb:]
Mark Shubb: Those were special times. Uh, wewere doing something, we were saying something, wewere – meaning something – to people and, uh,that means something to you. [indicateshimself]
[Cut to rehearsal footage of the group in the littleroom:]
Alan Barrows: [to Palter] Can I do aninstrumental, then?
Jerry Palter: On what?
Alan Barrows: We have time for that?
Mark Shubb: [to Barrows, a little contemptuous]You’d rather play than tell a story? Is that whatyou’re saying?
Alan Barrows: I’d do– Do both.
Jerry Palter: [to Barrows, reasonable] How’bout this? Whatever number we do, we’ll let you vampfor the first fif– thirty seconds.
Alan Barrows: Okay. Sure.
Mark Shubb: [abruptly] It’s so good to seeyou.
Jerry Palter: It’s good to see you,too.
Alan Barrows: It’s good to see all ofus.
Mark Shubb: Yeah, it is.
Alan Barrows: It’s been too long.
[The trio sits in stone silence for a long reflectivemoment before we dissolve back to Pamela Stephensonwho is live in the studio.]
Pamela Stephenson: [cheerfully, to the crowd]And now, live and together for the first time ineighteen years, the Folksmen!
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to the threemusicians, seated on stools at Home Base, wearingKingston Trio-like tan slacks, white socks, loafersand red-and-white striped shirts. A lighted sign hangsin the background – it should read EAT AT JOE’S butsome of the bulbs are out so, instead, it reads EA AJOE’ – The Folksmen play their upbeat hit song, “OldJoe’s Place.”]
Jerry Palter: [sings, wholesomely] Whenever I’m out a-wanderin’, chasin’ a rainbowdream I often stop and think about a place I’ve neverseen
Alan Barrows: [sings, froggily] Where friendly folks can gather and raise the raftershigh
The Folksmen: [sing] With songs and tales of yesteryear until they saygood-bye!
Alan Barrows: [sings, froggily] Theeeeeere’saaaaaaaaa …
The Folksmen: [sing the chorus] … puppy in the parlor and a skillet on the stove And a smelly old blanket that a Navajo wove There’s chicken on the table but you gotta saygrace There’s always somethin’ cookin’ at Old Joe’sPlace
Jerry Palter: [sings, wholesomely, as the otherharmonize behind him] Now, folks come ’round ’bout evenin’ time soon as thesun goes down Some drop in from right next door and some from out oftown
[Barrows plucks out a solo on his guitar as the otherslook on with feigned interest.]
Alan Barrows: [sings, froggily] Weeeeelllllllll – eeeelllllll – There’s a…
The Folksmen: [sing the chorus] … puppy in the parlor and a skillet on the stove And a smelly old blanket that a Navajo wove There’s popcorn in the popper and a porker in thepot There’s pie in the pantry and the coffee’s alwayshot There’s chicken on the table but you gotta saygrace There’s always somethin’ cookin’ at Old Joe’sPlace
Jerry Palter: [sings, wholesomely] Now, they don’t allow no frowns inside, just leave ’emby the door There’s apple brandy by the keg
Mark Shubb: [sings, a deep bass] And sawdust on the floor
Alan Barrows: [sings, froggily] So, if you’ve got a hank’rin’, I’ll tell ya where togo
The Folksmen: [sing] Just look for the busted neon sign thatflashes–
Mark Shubb: [sings, a deep bass, points tobroken sign]Ea’ a’ Joe’!
The Folksmen: [sing the chorus] There’s a puppy in the parlor and a skillet on thestove And a smelly old blanket that a Navajo wove There’s popcorn in the popper and a porker in thepot There’s pie in the pantry and the coffee’s alwayshot There’s sausage in the morning and a party everynight There’s a nurse on duty if you don’t feel right There’s chicken on the table but you gotta saygrace
[Pause as all three take a deep breath and sigh asPalter pretends to wipe sweat from his brow]
The Folksmen: Whew!
The Folksmen: [sing] There’s always somethin’ cookin’ at Old Joe’sPla-a-a-a-ace!
[They finish big to cheers and applause. As the otherscontinue to play a rhythm, Barrows rises and addressesthe audience:]
Alan Barrows: Thank you very much. Thank you.Thank you. Thank you very much. We’d like to haveeverybody sing along now! So join us!
[Barrows sits and the trio blasts through an evenfaster version of the chorus, impossible to sing alongto.]
The Folksmen: [sing the chorus] There’s a puppy in the parlor and a skillet on thestove And a smelly old blanket that a Navajo wove There’s popcorn in the popper and a porker in thepot There’s pie in the pantry and the coffee’s alwayshot There’s sausage in the morning and a party everynight
Mark Shubb: Come on!
Alan Barrows: [waves to crowd] Come on,everybody!
The Folksmen: [sing] There’s a nurse on duty if you don’t feel right There’s chicken on the table but you gotta saygrace
[Applause before the trio finishes with their pause,deep sigh, and wiping the sweat from theirbrows:]
The Folksmen: Whew!
The Folksmen: [sing] There’s always somethin’ cookin’ at Old Joe’sPla-a-a-a-ace!
Fernando…..Billy Crystal Barry Manilow…..Bobby Fraraccio
Announcer: And now, “Fernando’s Hideaway”!
Fernando: Saludos, my friends. How are you, darlings? Itr is so lovely to be back, here in the Hideaway. And, as you know, my friends.. as you can see, the booth is empty, and I am very upset. I don’t feel marvelous. I look marvelous, but I don’t feel marvelous. Which is hokie-dokie for me, because, as you know, my credo is “It is better to look good than to feel good.” You know what I am saying, and you know who you are. Why do I feel so.. disconsole? Because, my friends, I had a scheduled guest to the Hideaway tonight.. and my special guest was supposed to be Mr. Barry Manilow. But, just a few hours ago, Mr. Manilow cancelled at the last minute. Of course, those of you who were looking forward to seeing him will be disappointed. And I guess he was tired – if you were writing all of the songs for all of the world to sing.. you would be one busy cabellero, if you know what I am saying! But, my friends, I promised you a Barry Manilow interview, and that’s what I’m going to deliver. Just a few minutes ago, one of our crew members has volunteered to play his part. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our special guest in the hideaway tonight.. Mr. Barry Manilow!
[ cameraman Bobby Fraraccio steps out, purportedly in the role of Barry Manilow ]
They love you! I tell you this: they love you, they go nuts! You people! This is marvelous. Barry.. he’s excited.
Barry Manilow: It’s nice to see you again.
Fernando: It’s nice to see you, darling. Why don’t you swing in here. There you go. Table for eight? I kid you! I kid him because he’s a kidder! Barry.. I gotta tell you, first of all – you look mahvelous! He does! He does! Up close, he’s something different – the make-up, the.. you know, it’s just marvelous. Barry, I’ve got to tell you this, you know, we love you at home – and I mean love you. You, you’re a romantic guy – is he not? The woman go nuts! The security in this building – stop screaming, darling! I feel like Ed Sullivan, when the Bea-attles got here, you know what I am saying to you? Unbelievable! Barry.. we make out to your records. We do – it’s not Johnny Mathis any more, it’s you! You’re a very romantic guy. What is your definition of love?
Barry Manilow: It’s very hard to express. I try to say it in my music.
Fernando: In your music? And you do, and you say it beautifully. To me, love is.. saying, “I’m done – let’s get some Chinese food.” You know what I am saying to you? You’re absolutely marvelous, and I have never seen plaid in one place like this in my life! It’s unbelievable! A whole Madras convention is happening right here! now, let me ask you this, Barry: What is it like being a sex symbol? You know, I mean.. are you a prisoner in a castle of love?
Barry Manilow: It’s weird!
Fernando: I bet!
Barry Manilow: I’m tall..
Fernando: You are?
Barry Manilow: ..I have a big nose.. I have no tush at all. I’m just a schlep kid from Brooklyn.
Fernando: Well, we are glad you schlepped here today, I’ll tell you that. From Brooklyn, or whatever. Barry, you look mahvelous – absolutelymahvelous.. Before you go, I know you got to get over to Radio City – sing us a little song, just a little bit. They’re dying to hear. [ to audience ] Don’t you want to hear? [ audience applauds wildly ] Please, I would be so honored.
Barry Manilow: For you.
Fernando: For me!
Barry Manilow: [ singing ] “I write the songs that make the whole world sing I wrote the songs of love and special things..”
Fernando: My friends.. [ Barry ocntinues to sing ] Keep going, Barry, I know! We love his man very much! We’ll see you next week on the Hideaway, when my guests will be Ed Ames and Black Sabbath. Remember, my friends. Saludos, it’s better to look good than to feel good.
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Betterget ready! Here comes America’s Kamikaze ofComedy!
[A montage. A sign reads BUDDY YOUNG JR. IS BACK! – Afront page headline in the New York Times reads BUDDYYOUNG IS INSULTING – A New York Post headline readsTIMELY – A black and white publicity photo ofcigar-chomping, middle-aged nightclub comedian BuddyYoung – A sign reads APPEARING NOW – Finally, we cutto film of Buddy on a red-curtained stage, wearing anugly maroon tuxedo, insulting audiencemembers:]
Buddy Young, Jr.: Where you from? New Jersey?What exit? This man’s sitting there in a shirt thatWilliam Bendix died in!
[Rim shot. Nightclub customers crack up withlaughter.]
Announcer V/O: Yes, Buddy Young, Jr. is back!He’s got his act together and is taking it out — oneveryone!
[Buddy harangues a customer with a toupee.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: I’m talkin’ to you, babe.You, in the polyester wig. You know what I’m sayin’?Is that a toupee or do you have a bobcat sitting ontop of your head? Huh? You believe this piece? Look atthis. Go for the extra four bucks. Matter of fact, gobald, babe, okay? Go bald. Better not. [points toanother customer] The Puerto Rican kid’s gonna spraypaint your head.
[Cut to a satisfied customer outside theclub.]
Satisfied Customer: [grins enthusiastically]What a night at the theater!
[Cut back to Buddy on stage.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What stinks? Somethin’stinks, doesn’t it? Lady? Nice body odor — you smelllike landfill.
[Rim shot. Cut back to the satisfied customer outsidethe club standing next to his wife.]
Satisfied Customer: He called me “a Mexicanpus face.” And said to my wife, “Lovely face, madam.I never saw a tuckus with lipstick before.”
[Cut back to Buddy, on the nightclub floor, workingthe crowd.]
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. in his comebacktriumph! Audiences can’t get enough!
[In the crowd, Buddy trades friendly slaps andhigh-fives with a middle-aged black man.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: There ya go! [pats black manon shoulder] I’m wild about this guy. My grandfatherOWNED this man! I’ll tell ya– Ah, you’re toomuch!
[Buddy stands with a chubby, frizzy-haired woman wholooks like Marty Allen of the comedy team Allen andRossi.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: This is Marty Allen in drag,this lady, I tell ya. [puts his chin in her hair sothat it looks like he has a beard] Look, I’mLincoln!
[Cut to satisfied customers outside.]
Another Satisfied Customer: [reverently] Hewished me a tumor in my eye and spit in mydrink!
[Cut to Buddy on stage as he puts on a hat and plays acharacter.]
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. movesaudiences, too! Clown becomes actor with his condensedversion of “Death of a Salesman”!
[Sad piano music accompanies Buddy’s actingperformance.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: [dead serious, to animaginary character] Biff? Biff. Biff, you’rethirty-four years old. [to the nightclub crowd] And hethinks “An Officer and a Gentleman” is a doublefeature! This kid is too wild. That’s it, I tellya–
[Rim shot. Buddy takes off hat, waves itdismissively.]
Announcer V/O: He’s a concerned parent!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Like my kid. My kid isstupid, I tell ya, my kid is a dumb kid. He comeshome, he’s got a lump of dog stuff in his hair and Isay, What the hell is that? He goes, “Pop, I almoststepped in this!” [rim shot] He’s unbelievably dumb.But what we need is Love today! We don’t have Love!You know that! We don’t have Love! My wife — twohours with a bicycle pump to get the hair up likethis.
Announcer: He’s topical!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Phone company drives me nuts.You got trouble with the phone company? Tell me aboutit! The same thing with the life insurance. They don’tknow! They got this mental thing–
Announcer V/O: He’s a feminist!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Especially to you, lady. Yougot enough fat there for two bodies. [rim shot] Let meintroduce a new word to your vocabulary, okay?”Yogurt.” All right? How ’bout these two words, babe?”Sit ups.” Okay, how ’bout this whole sentence? “No, Icouldn’t possibly eat more — marble cake.”
Announcer V/O: Most of all, he’s Buddy Young,Jr.!
[Buddy sits on a stool as his nearby pianistaccompanies him.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: [sings] If I made you feel bad If I made you cry We’re all created equal By that Guy up in the sky [speaks, points to a customer] Except for you, sir. You are a perfect example of whathappens when cousins marry. You know what I’m sayin’?Good night, ladies and gentlemen, get out of here!Leave me alone for a little while. You know what I’mtalkin’ about?
[Buddy rises and waves dismissively at the customersas they give him a standing ovation.]
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Getinsulted this week at the Bowman. Exit 23, New JerseyTurnpike.
Buddy Young, Jr. V/O: I hope you all get a puswart.
The Folksmen Documentary film covers reunion of The Folksmen (McKean, Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest). The Folksmen (McKean, Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest) perform “Old Joe’s Place”
Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with guest anchorperson George Carlin.
George Carlin: Thank you, Don Pardo.
Our top story tonight: The crew of the NASA space shuttle Discovery spent their fourth day in orbit posing for television pictures and waving at relatives. However they got a great view of the Earth. As they flew over North America, they learned the results of Tuesday’s election. [ shows view of the North America from space drawn like a map of the United States and Canada, with Minnesota is highlighted in red ] Kinda makes you feel humble, doesn’t it?
George Carlin: And now, a Saturday Night News commentary.
Pamela Stephenson: Hi, I’m Pamela Stephenson, and I’m new on the show. Um.. I came from England to do “Saturday Night Live”, in fact. Now, I love America. Please don’t get me wrong, but.. well, I have noticed that American men have a fondness.. well, let’s be absolutely frank, okay? They have an absolute obsession about women’s breasts. They seem to have a lot of trouble maintaining eye contact with me, and I find it a little disconcerting. So what I thought I’d do is introduce you to my breasts. You know, just sort of point out their various features and invite you men to stare at them for a while, and.. just get that right out of the way so you can start treating me like an intelligent person. [ takes off her jacket, revealing her breasts are large and the nipples are sticking out ] Okay, so um.. here they are. I admit they’re just a little bit larger than average. I can balance a couple of tubs of Haagen-Daas on them, that’s a clear advantage, but.. um.. [ camera zooms in on her breasts, as she points to the right one ] This is the right one, and.. [ points to the left one ] ..this is the left one.. [ points to her nipples ] ..and of course, they both have.. uh.. well, since I’m on American television, I guess I’d better say they are the customary bumpy things on the end. So, you know what I’m talking about. So, that’s all there is. You can look up now. [ snaps fingers at cameraman, signaling for him to pan up to her face ] Hi? Hello? Fine, um.. I trust I’ve kinda de-mistifiedthe situation now so you can see me as just what I am – a normal, real person, and I hope, a pal. Okay.. [ she doesn’t notice her left breast move slowly up and down ] ..now another observation I’ve made about American men is their uncomfortable behavior when they walk small dogs. Sometimes, the size of the dogs to them indicates something about their individual.. [ notices her left breast is up – it quickly moves down ] ..virility. Most men would rather be seen walking a massive cow than a dog. In fact.. [ leftbreast keeps moving up and down, Pamela holds in down ] ..most men who take a small dog for a walk only do so after dark.. [ breasts pull her around in circles, screaming, as she is thrown over the desk ]
George Carlin: [ calling to Pamela ] Thanks! Thanks a lot, Pam! I’ll see you later, huh? Maybe we’ll go out for a milkshake!
Well, the race for the 1988 Democratic nominations started last Wednesday, the day after the election. Possibilities include: New York governor Mario Cuomo, who says that as ridiculous as it sounds, an Italian male can run for national office; Colorado senator Gary Hart, who may be hard to beat, unless of course, you’re Walter Mondale; and the perennial possibility, Senator Ted Kennedy, but Teddy says he has as much intention of running as he has of driving his car off a bridge. The Republican possibilities are really interesting: Senator Howard Baker, Senator Robert Dole, Representative Jack Kemp, and Vice President George “Kick a little” Bush. Not a lot of charisma here.
But warming up in the coliseum bullpen, old Ben Hur himself, Charlton Heston,who plans to start out by running for the senate in 1986. Political consultantssay Heston is the perfect replacement for Ronald Reagan. He’s from California,he’s an aging actor, and he too worked with monkeys in The Planet of the Apes.That’s not all. Charlton Heston was Moses, remember? He led his people out ofEgypt, parted the waters of the Red Sea, recieved the Ten Commandments, anddelivered his sermon on the mountain. And his slogan is, “Let’s win one forthe altar cocker.” But don’t forget a lot depends on who he picks for vicepresident. Right now it’s a toss-up between Robert Cummings and Buddy Ebsen.Right now I’m willing to just wait and see.
George Carlin: Controversy his risen regarding the distribution oftax dollars toward medical research, specifically which programs recievedthe aid and which programs are virtually ignored. Here to comment on this isSaturday Night News corresponder Gary Kroger.
Gary Kroeger: [ Painfully ] Thank you, George. I would like to callattention to a disease called “spot bleeding”. Now that is when your cheststarts to bleed in five or six different places, and the pain is unbearable.And yet nothing is being done about this. I am uniquely concerned because..[ pulls off jacket, revealing his shirt has several small blood stains ] ..Iam a spot bleeder. [ writhes in pain ] Millions of dollars are spent oncancer research and related projects which is fine, but no one in the medicalcommunity is doing anything about spot bleeding! There are no researchfoundations, nothing in medical journals, and I demand an explaination!
George Carlin: Gary, can I ask you something?
Gary Kroeger: Yeah.
George Carlin: Is that a brand new shirt?
Gary Kroeger: Yeah, why?
George Carlin: You have to take the pins out of it before you put iton.
Gary Kroeger: [ Realizing he didn’t take out the pins ] Oh.
George Carlin: The straight pins. You have to take them out first.
Gary Kroeger: [ embarassed, removes shirt pins where the blood stainsare ] This is rather embarassing..
George Carlin: You’re a moron, Kroeger. Back to the news.
This morning, officials at the state department and the Pentagon are denyingrumors that the United States is planning to invade Nicaragua. PresidentReagan could not be reached for comment; he’s holed up in his ranch in SantaBarbara trying to memorize his lines for his next term of office.
George Carlin: And now, to tell us what’s happenning in the world ofsports, here is the inimitable Lew Goldman.
Someone in the Audience: Lew! Lew!
Lew Goldman: Shut up, you idiots! Where are you, at Yankee Stadium?Huh? [clears throat ] Put a jacket on! And now, here is the sports reportjust for my family:
For my sister Rose in Miami, the Dolphins are playing the Eagles, and youshouldn’t worry, Rose. Miami will win again. Thay keep winning becausethey’re afraid to get the old people upset. [ clears throat ] My prediction:[ prediction appears on screen ] Philadelphia, you should live so long!
For my son Lester, an orthodontist who lives in Washington, and makes moremoney than God, but can’t go to the Redskins game this weekend because hehas a virus, which is not surprising, because orthodontists spend half theirlife with their face in somebody’s mouth, my prediction: [ prediction appearson screen ] Detroit, I’m nauseous from you already!
[ clears throat ] And for my other son, Stanley, the bigshot, who moved toKansas City.. [ points at his head, indicating craziness ] ..where his in-lawshave him wrapped around their pinkies, my prediction: [ prediction appears onscreen ] Stanley will not come home for Thanksgiving.
And finally, here in New York, the Giants are playing Tampa Bay. Myprediction: [ prediction appears on screen as “Who cares? What’s soimportant?” ] Who cares? They moved to New Jersey! What the hell am I, tenyears old? I got to go to a game? [ clears throat ] Enough of this sportsstuff! I hate it!
Announcer: America’s distant early warning system. Created by Norad, it can detect and destroy enemy invaders long before they invade our airspace. And now, you can get the same high-technology protection.. in a contraceptive.
Woman: It’s new SAC – the Strategic Airborne Contraceptive. Designed by a team of eminent NORAD gynecologists, SAC uses a new heat-seeking process to destroy invaders before they violate your personal airspace. Here’s how it works.
Announcer: As soon as your SAC early-distant warning system detects potential foreign intruders.. [ lights go out, as the SAC lights up in the Woman’s crotch, sounding sirens ] i assesses the threat.. [ “INTRUDER ALERT, sperm count: 217,389,568,912.3, velocity: 375 I.P.S., viscosity: HIGH, *INCOMING*” ] ..pinpoints the enemy.. [ sperm show up on the radar screen ] ..locks on target, and destroys them with millions of microscopic surface-to-air missiles. [ sperm disappear from the radar ] In just seconds, you’ve completely closed your window of vulnerability.
Man: So, do you want to hit the sack?
Woman: [ holds up SAC behind his back ] I already did!
Announcer: New SAC – the Strategic Airborne Contraceptive. Also in new heavy-duty ICUD model. From Norad.
Announcer: The fastest. The tallest. The hottest. The furthest. Now, all in one book – “Ted’s Book of World Records”.
Ted: Hi, I’m Ted McGinty, and I spent the last fifteen years compiling my book of world records. And the results are astounding.
Announcer: The fastest recorded 100-yard dash.
Ted: 22 seconds flat.
Announcer: The longest bath.
Ted: 31 minutes.
Announcer: Most eggs ever eaten in one sitting.
Ted: Two. I’m not much on breakfast.
Announcer: Greatest height ever attained.
Ted: 5-foot-ten and a quarter.
Announcer: Yes, now you can explore the entire range of human diversity. From Ted’s tallest boss, to his youngest niece. Most rattlesnakes ever milked.
Ted: None!
Announcer: World-Land Speed Record.
Ted: Well, the cop claimed I was doing 80.
Announcer: Witness the bizarre, the inexplicable, the uncanny. Including the only known instance of a woman giving birth.. to Ted! You’ll find out the distance between Ted and each known planet.
Ted: Yes, it’s a fascinating world around me. Won’t you join me as we explore it together?
Announcer: And, if you act now, you’ll get “Ted’s Book of Lists”. Including: Four People Who Owe Ted Money, Eight Famous Historical Figures Whose Name Ted Can’t Pronounce, and the guest list for Ted’s fantasy dinner party..
Ted: Farrah Fawcett, Susan Anton, me, Leonard Nimoy..
Announcer: Ted’s Book of World Records. On sale in bookstores everywhere. Order now, and make some Ted history of your own.
Ted: Greatest Yearly Income, $3,800. Please, help me out, I’m desperate..
Air Date:
Chaka Khan, “I Feel For You”
