For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 15th, 1984
Eddie Murphy
Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers
Barbara Bach
Recurring Characters: Alfalfa, Buckwheat.
Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.
Recurring Characters: Buckwheat, Alfalfa.
Recurring Characters: Gumby, Irving Cohen, Lew Goldman.
Recurring Characters: Lawrence.
Recurring Characters: Angela Bradleigh.
Strictly From Blackwell
Mr. Blackwell…..Harry Shearer
Eric de Monet…..Gary Kroeger
Rajeev Vindaloo…..Christopher Guest
Welcome to “Strictly From Blackwell”, hosted by fashion expert, Mr.Blackwell. He introduces his guests, topless Chippendales dancer Eric de Monet, and wine expert Rajeev Vindaloo:
Mr. Blackwell: Rajeev is one of the top experts in the world today on the subject of wine. And I believe you brought your book with you today, which I believe is called.. what?
Rajeev: It’s called Send It Back.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, good. Now, is.. is the idea here that we don’t know enough about wine to know whether or not to send it back, or that it’s a good idea to send it back, whether or not the wine is good?
Rajeev: Well, basically, the premise of my book is that the people who run these restaurants, you see, is that they just dress up in a tuxedo for the night, you see. They know nothing more than you, you see, nothing more. And so, if the wine steward, you see, is being rude to you, and you do not like his attitude, you just send him, send it back, you know?
[ Rajeev now plans to sample some various wines for Mr. Blackwell ]
Rajeev: The first one is a Midvale Abbey Melois, ’82..
Mr. Blackwell: Okay. Now, when wine people sniff the glass before they taste the wine, many people wonder why this is.
Rajeev: Well, you see, Mr. Blackwell, they’re not sniffing the glass, you see. They’re sniffing the bouquet of the wine, you see? A wine lover’s way of describing the bouquet is the odor emitted from the wine, you see.
Mr. Blackwell: Good. Now, how would you describe this wine right here?
Rajeev: Well, you see, this is a wine I would not even drink. And there’s a tip-off, you see: it has no cork. It has a screw-off cap, you see. And my suggestion is, you know, if you do buy this, is if you have a sink at home that has hair in it.. [ Mr. Blackwell starts to laugh ] ..you know, you pour it in, and maybe it will unclog it, or something like that..
Mr. Blackwell: Okay! I think you’re being a little rough on the wine, ha ha ha ha!!
Rajeev: Okay, our second wine, is this one, you see. And, again, you know, we’re in trouble, you see, because the label here has dogs on it playing poker.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, but in fairness, so many wine labels these days do have pictures. What would be a good picture? Let’s deal with a positive. What would be a good picture? Grapes? A picture of grapes?
Rajeev: No, no. Grapes, you see, is self-explanatory. That’s like saying, you know.. uh, seeing a picture of a banana on a banana. I know what this is, don’t show me this, you know?
Mr. Blackwell: Okay..
Rajeev: We have one left. And we’re on a good start, you see,because it has a cork, and it has a very attractive label, and so what we do now is let the wine breathe a little bit, you see?
Mr. Blackwell: Okay. Now. Interesting. Does wine actually breathe? Because I know that silk breathes. Cotton breathes. Certain very fine polyblends will breathe slightly..
Rajeev: Yes, yes, it does.. [ Rajeev sniffs the wine ] This is a mischievious wine. If this wine were a child, I would slap it on the hand and I would send it to bed. You know what I would say? I would say, “You mean wine. You go away from me!” That’s what I would say.
Mr. Blackwell: Rajeev.. [ he laughs ] ..you are a stern taskmaster – I can speak from personal experience. Okay, the name of the book is Send It Back, and it’s in bookstores, wine stores, where would we find this? Would this be in fine stores..?
Rajeev: Fine stores everywhere, yes. And, if you have any questions in your mind, just Send It Back.
Mr. Blackwell: Send It Back. Okay, that’s good advice.Although, if I were a woman, I must be fair. I think that might be the kind of wine I’d like to drink, I don’t know. Have you met Eric de Monet over here?
Rajeev: No. But I have been admiring.. his bow tie.
Mr. Blackwell: [ laughing ] It is interesting. We have just seen him sitting over here, looking like a little statue, and we must find out what he is about, the whole Chippendale’s line of fragrances.. for men.. Eric, we are out of time. I wish we had two hours, or three cameras, or something. But you must come back..
Eric: I’d love to!
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, and we will find out whether this is all you..
Eric: No.. I’m wearing a bodystocking.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, wonderful. [ laughs ] Until then, “Strictly From Blackwell”, we must vanish. Thank you, bye bye.
Beatles Memoribilia Auction
Auctioneer…..Martin Short
First Bidder…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Ann…..Mary Gross
Second Bidder…..Gary Kroeger
Third Bidder…..Pamela Stephenson
…..Ringo Starr
Auctioneer: Do I hear forty-five thousand dollars? I hear forty-five thousand dollars. Do I hear fifty? Fifty thousand for the guitiar pick used by John Lennon while recording “8 Days a Week.” No? Forty-five thousand once, forty-five twice, sold–to the gentleman in the second row for forty-five thousand dollars. (Applause from bidders) Now, if you will turn to page 21 in your catalogues, we have Lot 35, a particularly fine piece: a toothbrush used by Paul McCartney during the Rubber Soul recording sessions. It’s a blue, medium-bristle Oral B 40 with one of those little pointy rubber things at the other end. Yes, madame?
First Bidder: DId Paul actually use the little pointy rubber thing?
Auctioneer: It is our understanding that he did. I will open the bidding at sixty thousand dollars. Do I hear sixty? (A hand is raised) Do I hear seventy thousand dollars? (Another hand is raised.) Do I hear eighty thousand dollars? (Another hand is raised.) Do I hear ninety thousand dollars?
First Bidder: A hundred and ten thousand dollars.
Auctioneer: $110,000 once, $110,000 twice, sold–to the woman in the third row.
(Applause from other bidders)
Auctioneer: Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will turn to page 22 in your catalogues, we have Lot 36, Ringo Starr.
(Ringo Starr enters, dressed in his classic Beatles “Ed Sullivan Show” outfit of black slacks, grey collarless jacket over a white dress shirt. Ann leads him around the room to display him.)
Auctioneer: He was for nine years the drummer with the Beatles and performed with them on all thier albums and tours. As you can see, he’s in very good condition. I will open the bidding at $75,000. Do I hear 75? Do I hear $75,000 for this drummer with the Beatles? Do I hear $65,000 for RIngo Starr? A member of the Beatles…talented musician…owner of a large ring collection. (Calls on the second bidder, who has raised his hand.) Yes, sir, $65,000?
Second Bidder: No, no–I was wondering about the jacket he’s wearing.
Auctioneer: Yes
Second Bidder: Was it by any chance ever worn by Paul?
Auctioneer: I’m sorry, no,sir. Do I hear $15,000 for Ringo Starr? $15,000? Good Lord, this man is a human being! Yes, madam?
Third Bidder: Hmmmmm…..well, does he do anything?
Auctioneer: Ah, Ann knows more about that than I would. Ann, what does he do?
Ann: Well, he, uh, plays the drums. And he has a very interesting ring collection.
Third Bidder: Can he talk?
Ann: Yes, I think so. (She hands him a file card.) Here, Ringo, would you read this?
Ringo: “Live, form New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Thanks to Shawn for this transcript!
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 8th, 1984
Ringo Starr
Herbie Hancock
Barbara Bach
Herbie Hancock, “Rockit”
Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.
(Repeat) See: 02/26/83.
Recurring Characters: Willie & Frankie.
Recurring Characters: Mr. Blackwell, Rajeev Vindaloo.
Recurring Characters: Fernando.
The Adopted Son of the President of the United States
Michael Reagan…..Jim Belushi
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Adopted Son of the President of the United States.
Michael Reagan: My fellow Americans, I am speaking to you tonight, not as the adopted son of the President of the United States, but as Michael Reagan, private citizen.
Recently, certain family members and high government officials have blatantly used their authority by making statements about.. oh.. uh, certain private citizens of this great country of ours.
As the adopted son of the President of the United States, let me assure you that I would never, ever use my family name to embarrass other family members. Or to write letters to military bases to try and get aerospace contracts. Well, alright.. I might use it to try to get contracts.. but I would never use it to embarrass family members. Not like a certain stepmother of mine who did! Of course.. a stepmother’s not really a family member.. I mean, not an actual blood relative. Of course, now, uh, neither am I – I’m adopted. So, I guess I could use my name to embarrass other family members, couldn’t I? Well, good! Alright!
So, let me start right off by saying – you know Ron Reagan, the family dancer?
[ phone rings ]
Oh, he’s married, alright! Sure, like Charles Naughton was married! [ answers phone ] Hello. Oh, uh.. hi, Dad.. Uh, what? Oh, no, no, oh, uh.. nothing, nothing, no.. I was just gonna say, uh.. I was just gonna say, uh.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Walter Mondale: Ex-Politician
Walter Mondale…..Gary Kroeger
[ SUPER: “Walter Mondale, Ex-Politician” ]
[ Walter Mondale sits behind a desk, shaving himself with an electric razor ]
Walter Mondale: Ouch! [ turns off razor ] Does this happen to you? In my line of work, I often have to shave on the run, and conventional electrics can grind and cut your face. And no one wants to lose an election by a whisker! [ laughs ] And that is why I use Dorelco’s new cordless rotary-free. [ demonstrates ] Ahh.. a clean, close, and comfortable shave.. [ stops ]
Gary Kroeger: [ breaks character, starts peeling off the fake Walter Mondale nose ] What am I doing? I’m, uh.. I’m Gary Kroeger. And I spent the summer working up a Walter Mondale impression. Good thinking, Kroeger! You know, I figured I’d have an impression that I could do at least four years. Thanks a lot, Walter! Mr. 13 Electoral Votes!
I only had a chance to do him once on the show, just once, in a sketch last week.. some of you might have seen it. [ holds up a still picture from the sketch, pointing to a blackened Minnesota ] Isn’t that something? It’s funny how life imitates art. The sketch died, too. Now, before I hang up the nose and the hair and take off the bags, I’d like you to indulge me for a moment.. [ puts the fake nose back on ] I’d like to do Walter Mondale for the very last time on this show.
Walter Mondale: “Live, from New York, a state I thought I carried, it’s Saturday Night!”
George Carlin’s Monologue
…..George Carlin
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, GeorgeCarlin!
[Cheers and applause. George Carlin emerges from theaudience and heads to Home Base. But it’s a videotapeof Carlin’s entrance from the very first episode ofSaturday Night Live in 1975: he wears long hair, abeard and mustache, a T-shirt under a dark suit. Aftera moment, we dissolve to Carlin, live in 1984,standing at Home Base: his hair, beard and mustacheare neatly trimmed – he wears eyeglasses, a casualblue shirt and dark slacks. Cheers and applausecontinue.]
George Carlin: All right, all right, all right.Thank you. Hey. Come on, now. [crowd finally quiets]Let me ask you something. Who was that guy on thetape? … Does anybody know who that was? He sure hada lot o’ hair, I’ll tell ya that. … Yeah, I hosted,uh, the very first Saturday Night Live — nine yearsago — and they told me if I did a real good job,they’d have me back. … So here I am and I’m reallyglad that some people live up to their word.
On that first show, I did a monologue about God. Andbefore the show was over, by one in the morning, uh,we had the Archbishop of New York, Cardinal Cooke, onthe phone, complaining about the monologue. Seems hedidn’t think that God was a suitable subject for amonologue. Okay in a sermon but – NOT in a monologue…. And I didn’t really say anything THAT wrong — Ifelt. I mean, all I said was, it was my feeling thatif – if you look at it real carefully, that maybe -maybe – God isn’t perfect. You know? Just maybe He’snot perfect. I mean, if He created us in His own imageand likeness, how perfect could He be, you know? … Imean, uh, if God created everything, I’d say He has aserious quality control problem. …
And I think it shows up in His work. I mean, if youtake a look at a mountain range — they’re allcrooked, they’re not nicely up in a line … they’reall different sizes, you know. Leaves, the same thing.You can’t find two leaves the same. Even fingerprints.He can’t make two fingerprints the same! He’s got fourand a half billion people to work with — He can’tmake two of ’em the same. …
Now, the reason I’m repeating these things is ’cause Ithought maybe now that I’m back, maybe we could getthe Archbishop on the phone again tonight. … Now,it’s not the same man. Now, it’s, uh, ArchbishopO’Connor. And I’m not sure about his viewing habits. Idon’t know how late he stays up at night. Probably,he’s working on some really tough, serious governmentproblem at this time. … You know? Well, these days,clergyman have to devote so much time to politics thatthey really don’t have any time to think … much less- much less watch TV. [cheers and applause]
But who knows? Now, that the election is over, maybehe’s sittin’ over there with Jerry Falwell, splittin’a pizza … readin’ the Constitution and flippin’ thedial … and, uh, maybe they’ll give us a call. I toldthem in the control room — if we got a call fromArchbishop O’Connor — please, take a number and I’llget back to him, okay? …
And, hey, speaking – speaking of Jerry Falwell, thishas been a strange year. 1984? We started with Orwelland wound up with Falwell? … Huh? I’m not reallysure how this church and state separation stuff isgonna work out. Ah, personally, I’m in favor of theseparation of church and state. My feeling is thateither one of these institutions screws you up badenough on its own. … You put them together and yougot certain death. …
So, uh, I would like to begin the show with a prayertonight, if you don’t mind. … Uh, this is a littleprayer dedicated to the separation of church andstate. And I guess if they’re gonna force those kidsto pray in school, they might as well have a niceprayer like this:
Our Father who art in Heaven
And to the Republic for which it stands …
Thy kingdom come,
One nation, indivisible
As it is in Heaven …
Give us this day
As we forgive those
Who so proudly we hail …
Crown Thy good
Into temptation …
But deliver us from
The twilight.
Amen …
[Cheers and applause]
Okay. We’ll be right back.
[Even louder cheers and applause as we pull back anddissolve to a wider shot that includes the crowdbefore fading out.]
Submitted Anonymously
The Joe Franklin Show
Joe Franklin … Billy Crystal
Senor Cosa/Ricardo the Dummy … Christopher Guest
Dan Halloran … George Carlin
Jackie Rogers, Jr. (and Sr.) … Martin Short
[Music: an uptempo piano version of “Twelfth StreetRag.” A succession of black and white photos of oldmovie stars: W. C. Fields, Al Jolson (in blackface),Eddie Cantor, Mae West, the Marx Brothers (in “GoWest”), Spencer Tracy, Buster Keaton (in “TheNavigator”), Humphrey Bogart (in “The African Queen”),Laurel and Hardy (in “You’re Darn Tootin'”). Finally,we dissolve to the darkened, book-lined set of JoeFranklin’s talk show. The lights come up and wedissolve to legendary talk show host Joe Franklin,seated stiffly at his desk, wearing a plaidsuit.]
Joe Franklin: A gracious hello, my friends. Andwelcome to “The Joe Franklin Show,” my friends.Brought to you by Martin Paints. Beverages by Hoffman– lively carbonation. Matzohs by Streit’s — for theunleavened experience of a lifetime. Today, myfriends, a distinguished, medal-winning panel, myfriends. On the far end, Jackie Rogers, Jr. — a greatalbino performer. [cross-eyed, rubber-faced Jackie isa long-haired albino in a gold lame top and purpletights] New York City fireman extraordinaire DanHalloran, my friends. [Dan is shy and nervous workingclass guy in a neatly pressed fireman’s dress uniform]And my immediate guest — a great, great ventriloquist– Senor Cosa. [Senor Cosa sits with his dummy,Ricardo, in his lap – they wear matching mustaches andpowder blue tuxedoes. Ricardo’s eyes flick back andforth violently as Senor Cosa sits calmly.]
Ricardo the Dummy: [corrects Joe’spronunciation with a falsetto singsong]Cos-ha!
Senor Cosa: [laughs, elegant Spanish accent] Heuses the Castilian pronunciation, Joe. He uses the “h”sound.
Joe Franklin: Ah! I see. Senor Cosa–
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: Uh, sorry, Ricardo.
Ricardo the Dummy: Te nada.
Senor Cosa: He says, “No problem,” Joe.
[Joe and Cosa share a laugh.]
Joe Franklin: New York City fireman DanHalloran, have you ever seen a ventriloquistbefore?
Dan Halloran: Uhhhh–
Joe Franklin: You have any of this kind ofstuff in the firehouse?
Dan Halloran: Oh, not that I know of.
Joe Franklin: Uh huh?
Dan Halloran: Maybe on one o’ the other shiftsor somethin’, you know. But these – these guys aregreat, aren’t they?
Joe Franklin: Yeah.
Ricardo the Dummy: Gracias.
Dan Halloran: Yeah. I don’t know which one towatch. It’s weird. It’s really weird.
Joe Franklin: It IS weird — like JackieRogers, Jr., my friends, one of the great performers.Jackie, you remind me so much of your father, the lateJackie Rogers, Sr.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, we ARErelated.
[Joe and Jackie share a laugh. Dan looks at Jackie asif the latter had just landed from Mars.]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: But, really, though, Joe,there are many similarities between my dad and I –although I seem a little more obsessed with chasingthe long-legged ladies.
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm. Mm. Dan? Dan, have youever seen an albino performer before?
Dan Halloran: Not that I know of, Joe.
Joe Franklin: Mm hm.
Dan Halloran: Tell ya the truth, it kind o’throws me a little bit.
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Dan Halloran: I would have to say that thiswould be my first albino.
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm. Speaking of “firsts,”tell us about your new show, Senor Cosa.
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: Cosa.
Senor Cosa: Joe, we are doing a very excitingshow at the–
Ricardo the Dummy: Theatre de TrentonInnes.
Senor Cosa: We have Eddie Simon III on ourshow.
Joe Franklin: Oh, he is an artiste, myfriends. Is he doing a specialty?
Senor Cosa: Yes, he is. And after that, he’sgoing to be doing his famous rice dance, ofcourse.
Joe Franklin: Mm.
Senor Cosa: And then juggling the Siamesefighting fish.
Joe Franklin: Ah!
Ricardo the Dummy: Nos Ricardo’s.
Senor Cosa: That’s right.
Joe Franklin: I don’t know about you, myfriends, but this sounds like a true, old-timevaudeville potpourri extravaganza.
[Senor Cosa picks up a glass of water and drinks fromit. Joe watches him expectantly, waiting for theventriloquist to throw his voice. Instead, Cosa merelyfinishes drinking and sets the glass down. Joe looksaround, confused, but quickly recovers.]
Joe Franklin: Dan, you are a great, greatfireman. You save the lives of people in this city.Dan, what do you think about Eddie Cantor?
Dan Halloran: Well, I don’t know. Was that theguy with the big eyes, right?
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm.
Dan Halloran: Ah, I never seen him, Joe. Neverseen him.
Joe Franklin: Did you ever see this man’sfather? Jackie Rogers, Sr.? [to Jackie] Your dad was agreat man.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: And a remarkable teacher,Joe. I still find myself doing a certain move ortaking a certain attitude and I’ll stop and say, “Hey!I know where I caught that from!” [looks upward]Thanks, Dad! [looks up in another direction] Oh, thereyou are!
[Joe and Jackie share a laugh. Dan has watched Jackiewith mute astonishment.]
Joe Franklin: [holds up a book] He has writtena book about his father and it’s called, “Damn You,Daddy, Sir” — and this is a book about what?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: It’s – it’s – it’s a loveletter, really, I suppose, with a dash of hatred in analmost mocha kind of swirl, if you’ll have it.
Joe Franklin: I’ll have it. I like what youlike. You like what I like. And, alike, we like. Myfriends, let’s sit back and reminisce with a recordingof his father, Jackie Rogers, Sr.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh!
Joe Franklin: Let’s drop the needle on MemoryLane and listen to this great, great recording, myfriends, of the late, late, dead Jackie Rogers, Sr. -coming – up – right – now. Listen – to – this -song.
[Joe grins happily as the record plays. It’s anupbeat, cheesy Vegas lounge lizard version of thetitle song from the Broadway musical “She Loves Me.”Joe’s guests sit quietly and listen. Senor Cosa grinsslightly as Ricardo’s eyes flick rapidly left andright. Dan squints and looks around uncomfortably.Jackie bops to the rhythm and mouths the wordsexuberantly as his father sings:]
Voice of Jackie Rogers, Sr.: [sings]
Yeah!
She loves me and to my amazement
I love it knowing that she loves me
She loves me but she doesn’t know it
Why should she when she does not show it?
Yesterday, she hates me, ha!
Now, today she likes me, bah!
And tomorrow!
Oh, tomorrow … !
Joe Franklin: [as the terrible song fades out]What a great memory, my friends. Uh, Dan, did you eversee his father perform?
Dan Halloran: Uh, not that I know of, Joe. AndI think I really would have remembered that.
Joe Franklin: I think so, too, my friends. Thisshow, my friends, is a show of shows. It is one to putin the comedy time capsule, my friends. Don’t youthink so, Senor Cosa?
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: [consults a piece of paper] Dan,tell us about the, ehhhh, the, um, upcoming, uh,charity event here.
Dan Halloran: Uh, well, uh, Joe, the firemenare havin’ a barbecue. And, uh, tryin’ to raise moneyfor the firemen’s occupational hazards.
Joe Franklin: Such as what? Smokeinhalation?
Dan Halloran: Well, yeah, that’s one, ofcourse. And, uh, then there’s, of course, uh,ankle-hip-ilitis.
Joe Franklin: “Ankle-hip-ilitis”? What’sthat?
Dan Halloran: Well, that’s when the ankles aredriven straight up into the hips. Usually this’llhappen jumpin’ off a building. Or sometimes slidin’down the pole too fast.
Joe Franklin: Mmm.
Dan Halloran: Mostly, it’ll happen to yourheavier firemen.
Joe Franklin: It sounds terrible.
Dan Halloran: Yeah. Well, it is. And, uh– See,it makes ’em walk like this. [demonstrates stiffly]Gives ’em kind of a funny little duck-likewalk.
Joe Franklin: A duck walk! Like Joe Penner,”Wanna buy a duck?”
[Ricardo the Dummy quacks like a duck.]
Joe Franklin: Right, Senor Cosa?
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha! Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: Cos-ha. Cos-ha. Jackie Rogers,Jr., my friend, the book, “Damn You, Daddy, Sir”…
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes.
Joe Franklin: … is a provocative title.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes.
Joe Franklin: Did he beat you? Was theretaunting? Uh, were there coat hangers?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: No, but, I – I do rememberone time, Joe — and, when I think of it, I still findmyself getting pretty shaky.
Joe Franklin: Mm hm.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: He made me sit in front ofa plateful of yams …
Joe Franklin: Mm hm.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: … for a – a good thirty,thirty-five minutes.
[Awkward pause.]
Joe Franklin: Maybe he should have put the yamson Matzohs by Streit’s, my friends, and washed it downwith Hoffman beverages. Dan, have you ever had Matzohsby Streit’s?
Dan Halloran: Uh, not that I know of,Joe.
[“Twelfth Street Rag” pots up and continues under thefollowing:]
Joe Franklin: Jackie — the book, my friends,”Damn You, Daddy, Sir” — I’m putting this on mybestseller list in the Hall of Fame. And I wish youcould be at the Firemen’s Barbecue with Dan. [to Dan]Always a pleasure. And we top it all off with SenorCosa.
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: So be there, my friends. Let’swave goodbye. Joe Franklin, saying good night, myfriends, good night. Bye bye.
[Joe and his guests wave to the camera as it pullsback. The lights go down and the setdarkens.]
Submitted Anonymously
Profiles In Sports
Donald Ramp…..Jim Belushi
Announcer: Chess. The thinking man’s sport. For over half a century, dozens of world grand masters have come out of America’s high school chess clubs. Most of the credit for that belons to the unsung hero of chess – the high school chess coach.
[ show Chess Coach Donald Ramp yelling at his players during a match ]
Donald Ramp: Pawn to Rook 4! Pawn to Rook 4! Nooooooo!! Get up, get up, get up!! [ starts kicking chairs around ]
Announcer: Donald Ramp, of Rodville Center High, dedicated to turning raw kids into chess champions.
Donald Ramp: You call that castling?! Come on! Why don’t you just give him the king?! Give it to him!
Donald Ramp V/O: A lot of people think that chess games are won on brilliant moves. They’re not. The match is really won or lost long before the pieces are set up.
Donald Ramp: Next Saturday: Wheaton High. Big match, tough school. They’re using a Sicilian defense. How do we counter? Simple. [ draws chess board on the chalk board, filling in the individual squares ]
Donald Ramp V/O: The fundamental thing about chess? Knowing the rules.
[ show Donald reviewing strategy with a student ]
Donald Ramp: When you go over there, move the knight..
Student: [ confused ] The knight?
Donald Ramp: Yeah.. the horsey thing, the horsey thing! Come on!
[ cut to another interaction ]
Donald Ramp: Move it, movie it, movie it! Move the bishop!
[ cut to Donald reviewing film footage of an earlier chess match ]
Donald Ramp V/O: Sure. I am hard on the guys. But I’m just as hard on myself. Most nights, I’m in the office ’til midnight, watching game films.
Announcer: But Ramp’s lust for victory can lead to controversry, like the furor surrounding his overseas recruiting trips.
[ SUPER: “Andrei Zhubarov, Chess Team Captain Class of ’85” ]
Andrei Zhubarov: I love to play for Coach Ramp. He was like a father to me, he bring me to this school in my shuffleboard years.
[ cut to another tense chess match ]
Donald Ramp: You call that a jump?! His [ bleep ] bishop wasn’t anywhere near the [ bleep ] queen!
Announcer: Ironically, it was during the filming of this profile that Coach Ramp expeirenced the most regrettable incident of his career.
[ Coach Ramp knocks down one of the opposing player’s chess pieces, a riot ensues. Members of the opposing team jump him, screaming, “Hey, you can’t do that!” etc. ]
Donald Ramp V/O: Some people say I lost control that day. But when you’re down two pawns, you gotta do something.
Announcer: For inciting the brawl, the American High School Chess Confederation branded Coach Ramp with a lifetime suspension.
Donald Ramp V/O: I’m really not sure what I’ll do. For now, I’m looking forward to spending more time with my family.
Daughter: Pass the salt, Daddy?
[ Coach Ramp lifts the salt shaker, then moves it about the checkerboard table around other shakers, simulating chess moves ]
Donald Ramp V/O: The only thing I miss are the matches, the excitement, the adrenaline.. The rest of it, I can live without. Still.. I guess the game never really leaves you..
[ fade ]
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
november 10th, 1984
George Carlin
Frankie Goes to Hollywood
None
Frankie Goes to Hollywood, “Two Tribes”
Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.
Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Jackie Rogers, Jr.
Recurring Characters: Chi Chi, Consuela.
Recurring Characters: Lew Goldman.
Recurring Characters: Irving Cohen.