Clinton Johnson…..Kevin Nealon Friend…..A. Whitney Brown
Announcer: And now, NBC presents another “Great Moment in the History of White Trash”.
[ open on Clinton Johnson and Friend eating donuts at lunch counter ]
Clinton Johnson: I could sit in here and eat donuts all day long.
Friend: I could, too. If I had the money.
Clinton Johnson: Yeah. Well, I got it made in the shade. I met a welfare mother with seven kids. The money’s just rollin’ in!
Friend: Are you fixin’ to marry her?
Clinton Johnson: Hell, no! They’d cut the benefits off like that! [ snaps finger ] I may be dumb, but I ain’t no fool. [ laughs ]
Friend: Hey, what say we go for a ride in your new Trans Am?
Clinton Johnson: Why not? The government’s payin’ for the gas!
[ they shake hands ]
[ SUPER: “Clinton Johnson, Welfare Cheat” ]
[ zoom into box in upper right-hand corner, as Willie Nelson appears in the remainder of the screen ]
Willie Nelson: Clinton Johnson sure was a no-account good-for-nothing. He went on to serve five years for kiting checks. Still, he was good people. This has been another Great Moment in the History of White Trash.
Hard News Cafe Journalists enjoy lunch at Hard News Cafe theme restaurant. Recurring Characters: Sam Donaldson, Ted Koppel.
Discover Peter Graves (Phil Hartman) is clueless about precious metals. Recurring Characters: Peter Graves.
Dinner with the Van Halens Roadies (Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller) secure dinner table.
Robert Cray Band performs “Smoking Gun”
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Contest winner (Jon Lovitz) hangs out with David lee Roth (Dana Carvey). Kevin Nealon gets to the point about filing income tax returns.
Chinge Change Ching Change thinks stranger (Bertinelli) is the perfect woman. Recurring Characters: Ching Change.
Eddie Van Halen & SNL Band perform “Stompin’ 8H”
Washington Center I Plastic surgery patient (Nora Dunn) touts the clinic.
Let’s Go To The Movies College coeds (Bertinelli, Jan Hooks) praise “The Color of Money”.
Washington Center II Plastic surgery patient (Nora Dunn) praises in spite of mishaps.
On Broadway Yul Brynner’s replacement (Phil Hartman) is barely given a chance.
Robert Cray Band performs “Right Next Door”
Incompetent Doctor Incompetenet doctor (Jon Lovitz) wonders if he should have been an opera singer.
Brenda Krouse…..Jan Hooks Ross Treadway…..Phil Hartman Nina Treadway…..Nora Dunn
[ music open: “Getting To Know You” ]
[ dissolve to the “On Broadway” set ]
Brenda Krouse: Hello. I’m Brenda Krouse, “On Broadway”. Now, that music, and these posters, are, of course, from the Rogers & Hammerstein classic “The King & I”. Now, tonight we’ll be getting to know the man who’s now starring in the Westbury Music Fair production – Ross Treadway. Ross, welcome.
Ross Treadway: Thank you.
Brenda Krouse: Now, you took over the lead role in the show, the King of Siam, from the legendary Yul Brynner, who virtually made a career out of the role. I mean, he won countless awards, broke all kinds of box office records. I think it must be tremendously frustrating to step into the shadow of a performer like that, am I right? It must be a no-win situation.
Ross Treadway: So, what are you saying, that the show should be abandoned, never perform it again?
Brenda Krouse: Oh, no, not at all..
Ross Treadway: [ angry ] Then, what’s your point?
Brenda Krouse: Well, I-I-I.. just mean that, you know, you’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill. I mean, Yul Brynner was so popular in that role.
Ross Treadway: [ guffaws ] Oh, really? He was? What an interesting news item, I’d better write that down – Yul Brynner, popular, “King & I”.
Brenda Krouse: [ stunned by Ross’ outburst ] Uh.. I guess I can understand how it would be a, uh.. a sore point.
Ross Treadway: Alright, listen, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Yul Brynner wasn’t good in the role, I’m sure he was. All I’m saying is that there’s a guy by the name of Ross Treadway, and he’s pretty good, too.
Brenda Krouse: Okay. Alright. Well, the reviews, overall, have been pretty favorable. Looking at my notes here, I see that your performance has been called “satisfactory”, “adequate”, “serviceable”..
Ross Treadway: [ annoyed ] Yeah. You know, my favorite was “workmanlike”. A response like that doesn’t exactly blast you out of bed in the morning!
Brenda Krouse: But, you know, Ross, you really can’t blame people for making that comparison, can you?
Ross Treadway: Who can’t blame people? I can blame. You bet I can blame! You know, the thing that irritates me is that people accept this great reputation – on heresay! I mean, how many people actually saw Yul Brynner in “The King & I”?
Brenda Krouse: [ laughs ] Well, come on! He did about 4,000 performances, plus the film, which was quite successful.
Ross Treadway: Define “successful”.
: [ laughs ] Well..
Ross Treadway: No! See, this really galls me! I mean, maybe that film was okay, but this guy made a lot of bad movies! Nobody wants to talk about those. “The Ten Commandments” – phew-wee!
Brenda Krouse: Really? Well now, you see, I really liked him in “The Ten Commandments”.. I did..
Ross Treadway: [ jumps up and taps her skull really hard ] Hel-lo! Is anybody home?!
Brenda Krouse: [ struggling ] Ow! Ouch! Stop it! Stop it! Don’t ever hit me! Alright?! Now, I can understand how you can be frustrated by this. But, really!
Ross Treadway: No, people are robots! They are! You know, they’re programmed from birth: “The King & I”? [ imitates a robot ] Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner.. It’s all so nice and tidy! But, God forbid, an original thought, or, let’s say, a talented actor should intrude upon their little menagerie of lies!
Brenda Krouse: Alright. Alright. Now, you choose to portray the king as having a full head of hair.
Ross Treadway: Okay.. [ holds up script ] Here’s the book of “The King & I” – right here!! Nowhere.. in this book.. does it say the king is bald. Nowhere! I’ll give you $10,000 if you can find the word “bald” anywhere! Here it is! [ thrusts out his bank book ] You want it!
Brenda Krouse: No, I don’t want it! It just seems that after Yul Brynner, the audience might be expecting a bald head.
Ross Treadway: Yeah. Okay! Fine! You’re right, you’re absolutely right! You know, let’s not knock the icon off his precious pedestal! [ grabs a pair of scissors and begins to cut his hair out ] You want bald?! Bald! Fine! Alright, blad it is!!
Brenda Krouse: [ tries to stop him ] No! No!
Ross Treadway: You’re happy! Everybody’s happy, okay! Here we go!
Brenda Krouse: Stop this! Ross, please!
Ross Treadway: Bald, bald, bald!!
[ Ross’ wife, Nina, steps onstage and tries to calm him down ]
Nina Treadway: Give me the scissors! Please? Give them to me! [ Ross hands her the scissors, sits down and cries ] I’ve got something to say to those people. You people make me so damn mad! My husband is a good man! But, oh, one unpardonable crime – he’s not Yul Brynner! Well, gee, I’m not Yul Brynner, either! And, you know what, none of you are Yul Brynner, either, are you? Are you?!
Ross Treadway: [ embarassed ] Nina.. I’m alright now..
Nina Treadway: You don’t deserve my husband! My husband, an actor! You all seem to want Yul Brynner – dig him up! See what kind of a show he’ll do for you! Then do your little standing ovation, throw your roses, and just get out! Just get out!!
Ross Treadway: Nina, please..
Nina Treadway: You’re the lowest form of life on Earth! The LOWEST form!! [ spits, turns and exits ]
Brenda Krouse: [ stunned ] Um.. you know, Ross.. maybe you ought to discuss this with someone.
Ross Treadway: Someone? You mean, a psychiatrist? Oh boy, that’s a good one.. I’m crazy? The whole world is worshipping at the altar of some overrated has-been, and I’m nuts?! Whoa-oa-oa, that’s a good one! Wow-ow-ow! [ gives a creepy laugh ]
Brenda Krouse: Alright, it.. it.. it causes you so much pain. Why don’t you just quit the show?
Ross Treadway: I am! What, are you kidding? What do you think I am, a masochist?! Four more weeks, and I’m doing a different show. Because I don’t need the aggravation – I don’t need it!!
Brenda Krouse: Well, that’s great.. that’s great, Ross. What-what-what show will you be doing?
Ross Treadway: “Zorba the Greek”.
Brenda Krouse: Well.. best of luck to you, Ross. You know what? We’re out of time. [ laughs ] Good night, we’ll see you next time!
Female Reporter…..Valerie Bertinelli Male Reporter…..Phil Hartman Waitress…..Nora Dunn Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon Cashier…..Victoria Jackson Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey Fan…..Jon Lovitz …..Edwin Newman
[ open on exterior, Hard News Cafe ]
[ dissolve to interior, couple sitting at a table in the middle of the cafe ]
Female Reporter: [ staring at memorabilia on the wall ] Whose bow tie is that?
Male Reporter: Oh, that’s Irving R. Levine’s.
Female Reporter: Wow..
Male Reporter: [ pointing ] And that’s Eric Severeid’s first microphone.
Female Reporter: Wow! What a great concept this is! How many Hard News Cafes are there?
Male Reporter: [ thinking ] Well, there’s this one in Washington.. one in New York. Uh.. a new one going up in Cambridge. And they have plans to open one up in every major American city except Los Angeles.
Female Reporter: Oh, yeah. It seems like there’s a lot of tourists, though. I don’t see any newsman, do you?
Male Reporter: [ looking ] No, I don’t see any.. [ suddenly spots one behind him ] Oh. There’s Sam Donaldson.
Female Reporter: [ stunned ]
[ Waitress enters the scene, as diners’ hand suddenly shoot into the air like newsthirsty reporters ]
Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!
Waitress: [ points across the room ] Sam! Sam! [ walks over to him ]
Sam Donaldson: Can I get the Pierre Salinger club without the tongue?
Waitress: That would simply be the.. Charles Kuralt.
Sam Donaldson: Hmm.. I see. Alright, I’ll tell you what – maybe I’ll eat light. Give me the Lesley Stahl fruit cup.
Waitress: Alright. I’ll get that right away.
[ Waitress walks away, as the diners go nuts ]
Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!
[ back to the first table ]
Female Reporter: Oh! My friend at the Dish came through!
Male Reporter: Great!
Female Reporter: [ pulls videotape out of her purse ] “Trade Representative Brought Testifying to Governor’s Conference on the Trade Deficit”.
Male Reporter: Excellent!
Female Reporter: “After the first ten minutes, it cooked.”
Male Reporter: Great!
Female Reporter: Oh, oh.. [ pulls out another videotape ] “Round Table Discussion on Reinterpretating the ABM Treatment: Richard Pearl, Robert MacNamera, San Nunn.”
Male Reporter: No!
Female Reporter: Yes!
Male Reporter: Great!
[ a scuffle can be heard off-screen ]
Off-screen Voice: Hey, let go of me, I’ve got a right to be here as much as anybody else! Ow!
Female Reporter: What’s going on? What is it?
Male Reporter: Oh, it’s Geraldo Rivera. He tried to sneak in again, and they bounced him.
Female Reporter: Oh, thank God.
[ Ted Koppel steps up to the Cashier ]
Cashier: Sir, can I help you?
Ted Kooppel: Hello, I’m Ted Koppel, and I have a reservation.
Cashier: [ looks at reservation log ] I’m sorry, Mr. Koppel. I don’t have your name written down here, but uh.. I can seat you right away if you don’t mind sitting with, uh.. Sam Donaldson.
Ted Kooppel: [ looks over ] I’ll wait.
Sam Donaldson: [ notices Ted Koppel is in the cafe ] Hey, Ted! Ted! Come on over! Ted! Ted! Over here! [ Ted gives in and sits with Sam ] Hey, you’re looking good, hair looks nice! Can I get you a waitress? Let me get you a waitress! [ raises his hand ] Waitress!
Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!
Waitress: [ points across the room ] Sam! [ walks over ]
Sam Donaldson: Waitress, my friend would like to order.
Ted Kooppel: I’m Ted Koppel, and thi-i-is.. is my lunch. Turning our attention to the menu, Sam, you’ve eaten here before, you’ve attended many such lunches. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind sharing with us, your insights.
Sam Donaldson: Well, now, Ted, I could sit here and recommend specials until the cows come home. But, ultimately, you’re the one who’s gonna have to eat what’s on the plate.
Waitress: I’ll come back..
[ Waitress walks away, as the diners go nuts ]
Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!
[ Fan approaches Sam and Ted’s table ]
Fan: Hey, hey! Ted Koppel, Sam Donaldson! Sorry for interrupting your lunch, man! You two are my favorite newsmen, you know? I can’t believe you’re sitting here!
Ted Kooppel: Thank you very much, young man. Keep watching.
Sam Donaldson: Thank you. Yes.
Fan: So, who do you like for the Democrats in ’88? Do you like Joe Biden?
Ted Kooppel: Yes, he’s a fine candidate, yes.
Sam Donaldson: Yes, nice meeting you.
Fan: Wh-what’s that supposed to mean, “nice meeting you”? What, because I’m not in the news fraternity, or something, I’m not worth talking to?!
Sam Donaldson: Yeah.. yeah.. Look, if you’ll just excuse us, please.
Fan: [ peeved ] Great, that’s just terrific..
Sam Donaldson: You know, everyone, you know, including electronic journalists, have the right to –
Ted Kooppel: Sam, excuse me for a moment, if you will. But I don’t think any purpose will be served by engaging this individual any further.
Fan: [ angry ] Well, you guys suck, you know that! You know what?! Without the audience, you guys would be nothing! You would be talking to yourselves! [ Edwin Newman walks up and grabs his shoulder ] What?
Edwin Newman: Pardon me, sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I am going to have to ask you to leave.
Edwin Newman: Uh, in a way, you’re absolutely right. But, by using the double negative “not going nowhere”, you implied that you are going somewhere. As, indeed, you are. ie – out!
Fan: What? I don’t think so..
Edwin Newman: Out! [ grabs the Fan ]
Fan: Hey! Hey! [ as he’s dragged away ] Who do you think I am – Geraldo Rivera!
[ cut back to the first table ]
Female Reporter: This place really lives us to its reputation!
Male Reporter: Yeah, let’s buy a couple of t-shirts on the way out!
Peter Graves…..Phil Hartman Dr. Charles Claproth…..Jon Lovitz
[ scene: a laboratory, several floors up in a New York high-rise ]
Peter Graves: Hello! I’m Peter Graves. Welcome to the world of”Discover”. This is Dr. Charles Claproth, Professor of Physics here at New York University.
Dr. Charles Claproth: [ listlessly ] Hello.
Peter Graves: Doctor, what are we looking at? [ points to a suspended model in front of them ]
Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, this is a model of a water molecule.
Peter Graves: And what is a molecule?
Dr. Charles Claproth: A molecule is the smallest portion of asubstance which still retains the characteristics of that substance.
Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so, this model is not actual size, then?
Dr. Charles Claproth: No Peter, it is not. Molecules are very small.
Peter Graves: About how small are they, Doctor?
Dr. Charles Claproth: Well, there are as many molecules in a teaspoon of water, as there are teaspoons of water in the Atlantic Ocean. >Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so molecules are very, very small, then.
Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.
Peter Graves: But you said they were just, very small.
Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.
Peter Graves: So, you were wrong.
Dr. Charles Claproth: [ grimacing ] Yes. Let’s take a look at some elements, shall we?
Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ they move to the next pedestal, displaying a metal ] Doctor, what are elements?
Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, elements are the substances which cannot be separated into two or more substances.
Peter Graves: Like, say, a pencil?
Dr. Charles Claproth: No, like this, pure gold.
Peter Graves: Oh. [ picks up the gold ] So this is gold?
Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.
Peter Graves: It’s heavy.
Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes. It’s also one of the most malleablesubstances. This cubic inch of gold can be drawn into a continuous wire over forty miles long, or, pounded into a film covering 1,400 square feet.
Peter Graves: So gold is long and thin like, say, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Dr. Charles Claproth: Well.. in a way.
Peter Graves: Amazing. [ puts the gold in his pocket and starts to move on ]
Dr. Charles Claproth: Hey!
Peter Graves: [ turns around ] Yes?
Dr. Charles Claproth: Please put that back. It’s property of theuniversity.
Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ returns the gold to the pedestal, then they move on to the next pedestal holding a larger block of metal ] What is this, doctor?
Dr. Charles Claproth: This is osmium. It is one of the heaviest and densest elements on Earth. This cubic foot weighs 1,400 pounds.
Peter Graves: May I try to lift it?
Dr. Charles Claproth: Oh, don’t bother, no man could.
[ Peter grabs the block on both sides and applies force, but it doesn’t move ]
Peter Graves: Well, it’s heavy all right. [ lets go of the block, but the pedestal collapses in two, and the osmium falls through the floor, and continues to fall through subsequent floors. Sounds of water gushing from toilets and fearful screams are heard from below as Dr. Claproth watches in fear ]
Dr. Charles Claproth: [ sighing ] It’s probably in the basement.
Peter Graves: The pedestal was too weak to hold the osmium, wasn’t it, doctor?
Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.
Peter Graves: Did you design these pedestals, doctor?
Dr. Charles Claproth: [ angry ] Yes!
Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ walks to the next pedestal,which holds a glowing metal encased by a bell jar ] And what is thiselement, Doctor?
Dr. Charles Claproth: This is californium. This is the world’s most expensive element. It is sold by the Atomic Energy Commission for $1,000 per microgram. That’s $530 billion per pound.
Peter Graves: Let’s take a look. [ removes the jar, sounding an alarm ]
Dr. Charles Claproth: No, no! You fool! Californium is ahighly radioactive isotope! It’s lethal! It’s..
Peter Graves: [ replaces the jar – the alarm stops ] Aaalll right. [ moves to the next pedestal ] And what’s this, doctor?
Dr. Charles Claproth: [ hopelessly ] It’s sodium! It’s just sodium! Oh! What difference does it make? We’re dead men! [ puts his head on Peter’s shoulder and starts to sob ]
Peter Graves: [ to camera, still calm ] Alll right. Then I guess I won’t be here next week for another episode of.. “Discover”.
Barb…..Jan Hooks Church Lady…..Dana Carvey Ginny Barton…..Victoria Jackson Minister Bob…..Chevy Chase
[ open on interior, church cafeteria during 5th Annual Church Potluck Luncheon ]
Barb: [ drinking heavily already ] Well, congratulations, Enid, on another wonderful church potluck luncheon. It’s just too bad that the rain had to keep everyone away from it, now isn’t it?
Church Lady: Well, those absentees afraid of a little moisture will be praying for rain when they’re burning in eternal hellfire!
Barb: Enid, I think that’s God’s decision, not yours.
Church Lady: Oh. Well, perhaps we’ll find ourselves one day in a lake of fire! In a rowboat, with one oar, going, “I should have been nicer!”
[ Barb steps aside, as Ginny Barton enters ]
Ginny Barton: I’m sorry I’m late, Church Lady, but I had to drop off a dish to my boyfriend’s invalid mother.
Church Lady: Well, apparently some of us show up when it’s con-vee-nient!
Ginny Barton: No. I couldn’t help it. I got tied up.
Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Apparently, some of us need little accoutrements to help us perform our dirty little sex acts!
Ginny Barton: No! Church Lady, I had to hand-feed his mother Jell-O, because her arthritis was so bad..
Church Lady: Well, there’s a pretty little picture. Us, in our clingy little dress and our red, sexual lips. Peter’s poor mother calling out, “Feed me, Jenny, feed me!” And you saying, “Not now, Granny, I’m busy fornicating!”
Ginny Barton: No, Church Lady! It wasn’t like that at all!
Church Lady: Well, I beg to differ. You probably just can’t remember much, dear. Not much blood makes it up to our little brain when our tingly, naughty parts are engorged! [ changes subject ] Well, I’m glad we can put that topic behind us now. Let’s look at your little luncheon dish.
Ginny Barton: [ holds up her small dish ] It’s called Cherry Jell-O Jubilee.
Church Lady: [ mocking ] Cherry Jell-O Jubilee. Well, isn’t that special? Oh, it’s red! What a super color, red! You know whose favorite color red is? Let’s see, let me think.. is it, um.. Little Red Riding Hood? No, that’s not it.. Is it.. Nancy Reagan? No, that’s not what I’m thinking of.. I’m stumped! Oh, wait a minute, Dodo-head, I know who I’m thinking of, that’s right – SATAN!! [ picks up Jenny’s small dish and compares it to the larger casserole she brought ] Well.. well.. isn’t that just super? As you can see, I brought a 95-quart turkey casserole, that could feed the Lord’s congregation.. and you bring a little tiny bowl of Jell-O. Well, I’m afraid my casserole’s just a little bit superior to yours. Therefore, I do my little Superior Dance! Pearl?
[ Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady performs her Superior Dance; Minister Bob soon enters ]
Church Lady: Oh! Well, look, everybody! It’s Minister Bob!
Minister Bob: Hello, everybody!
Everyone: Hi, Minister Bob!!
Minister Bob: Oh, my, my! Don’t we look lovely today!
Everyone: Thank you, Minister Bob!!
Minister Bob: [ to Church Lady ] And, you, especially.
Church Lady: [ blushing ] You know what, Minister Bob? Satan hates you, because you’re so good!
Minister Bob: [ chuckles ] And he can’t stand your guts, either, Church Lady!
Church Lady: Oh, Minister Bob, you’re just the cutest thing in pants! You’re a super Minister Bob!
Minister Bob: Well, I try!
Church Lady: Others try. You do!
[ Barb re-enters the room, drunk as hell ]
Barb: Hey! Hey, Church Lady! You’re so damn high and mighty, aren’t ya’, huh? But you know what I really think of your turkey casserole? It sucks!!
Minister Bob: Now, now, now! Now, just calm down!
[ Barb is pulled back ]
Church Lady: Oh, Barb’s intoxicated in public! Isn’t that special!
Minister Bob: Now, hold your horses, little one!
Barb: Oh, you butt out, Bob! This is between me and her! I’ve been waiting to get to her for twelve years!
Church Lady: [ ready to fight ] I wouldn’t try it, Barb! I would tear you apart! Come on, I want to eat you!
Minister Bob: [ breaks them apart ] That’s enough! Settle down now! Now, Barb?
Barb: What?
Minister Bob: I just want to calm you down a little, and I’m gonna tell you a little joke.
Barb: Alright, what?
Minister Bob: Knock-knock.
Barb: Who’s there?
Minister Bob: Barb’s large liver.
Barb: [ confused ] Barb’s large liver who?
Minister Bob: I don’t know, Barb. But I do know this: you’re gonna have to answer to a higher power.
Church Lady: Oh. And who might that be?
Minister Bob: Ohhh.. I don’t know.
Church Lady: Could it be..?
Minister Bob: Ohhh.. it’s possible.
Church Lady: You mean?
Minister Bob: Yes, I think we’re both talking about..
Church Lady & Minister Bob: SATAN!!
[ upset, Barb falls across the room and stumbles onto a nearby table ]
Church Lady: Well, it looks like we’re just a little bit superior to others!
Minister Bob: It looks like it, doesn’t it?
Church Lady: Yes. Well, you know what that is? It’s special!
Minister Bob: Oh? Isn’t that special?
Church Lady: Pearl!
[ Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady and Minister Bob perform their Superior Dance to fade ]
Dad…..Chevy Chase Mom…..Jan Hooks Paul Williams….. Fifi…..Victoria Jackson
[ open on interior, suburban living room, as Dad enters to watch the big game from the comfort of his beloved couch ]
Dad: Okay, let’s go Jets! Whee-hee-hee!
Mom: Hey, honey, I’m doing these Christmas cards. These are for you to sign.
Dad: Not now, babe, we’re about to kick off. [ sits on the couch ] Alright.. got my BLT. where are my chips? Pass me those chips. [ Son passes the chips to him ] I’ve got my beer.. and the channel changer, please? Honey, have you seen my channel changer?
Mom: Nope.
Dad: Kevin, where’s the changer? You had it last.
Son: Did not. Why don’t you just walk over there and change it yourself? It’s only five feet!
Dad: Because Daddy likes to flip around during the commercials. It’s one of Daddy’s great joys. Okay? So let’s help Daddy find his channel changer, okay? Where the hell is it? [ gets up to look around ]
Mom: Well, check the couch. Sometimes it falls back there behind the cushions.
[ Dad starts to dig underneath the cushions ]
Mom: Do you see it?
Dad: [ digging ] No.. Oh, God.. this is great! Here’s some change, that’s nice. A lot of it, too. [ drops handfuls of loose change onto the coffee table ] Look! Here we go, here we go.. I’ve got something here.. Scrabble letters! [ drops the tiles onto the coffee table ] Hey, here’s the J and the Q! That means the whole game we played last night doesn’t count! [ chuckles, as Mom groans ] Okay, where’s the changer?
Mom: I’m sure it’s there, just dig deeper.
Dad: [ with his hand down the back of the sofa ] I am. I’ve found some pens.. yeah, there’s always pens behind the couch. [ drops a handful of pens onto the coffee table ] It’s gotta be here! [ reaches something ] What have we got here? Hey, here’s TV Guide!
Mom: Oh.. great! Is it this week’s?
Dad: You tell me – Don Adams is on the cover. When was the last time you cleaned back here?
Mom: Come on.
Dad: [ reaches in again ] I think there’s some food here, can you believe it? [ pulls out two black bananas ] Yeah, bananas! You hungry, Kev? [ throws the black bananas at his son ] Come on, woof that down! [ digs deeper ] It’s gotta be here! [ pulls out a painting ] Hey, honey! Honey! It’s our Matisse! I don’t believe it!
Mom: [ excited ] Oh! And we thought it was stolen!
Dad: I know!
Son: Dad, didn’t the insurance company already pay you back for that?
Dad: Right, they did that, Kevin. But we’ll call them and send their check back first thing in the morning. [ digs deeper ] Let’s see, what’s this? Is this the channel changer? I think I’ve got it! [ pulls out a skeleton of a dog ] Why, it’s Fluffy! She’s gonna need your love now more than ever, Son. [ hands the bones to his son, as he digs deeper into the cushions ] Ah, let’s see here.. [ pulls out a cartridge ] hey, look at this, it’s an old 8-track cartridge! You don’t see these much any more. Paul Williams’ Greatest Hits!
Mom: Whatever happened to Paul Williams?
Dad: [ reaches behind the cushions ] Uh.. here he is.
Paul Williams: [ standing ] I think my butt’s asleep.
Dad: Excuse me, Paul? Did you happen to see a television chanel changer behind here?
Paul Williams: No, I’m afraid not.
Dad: Oh.
Paul Williams: Well, it was nice meeting you all. I’ll just let myself out.
Dad: You look good, you’ve lost weight.
Paul Williams: [ exits ] “Rainy days and mondays always get me down..”
Dad: He’s great, isn’t he? [ continues to dig for his channel changer, we can see his hand moving around at the bottom of the far end of the couch ] Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I think I’ve got it! I’ve found it! There we are! [ pulls a maid out from behind the cushions ] Fifi! Where the hell have you been, I’ve been looking all over for you!
Fifi: I’m sorry, Mr. Reynolds, I must have slipped behind the..
Mom: Behind the cushion, I knew it! Didn’t I tell you?
Dad: [ aggravated ] Turn the TV on, would you, please?
Fifi: Yes, sir. [ walks over and changes the channel for Dad ]
Dad: Channel 7. Nice, Fifi, where have you been? 4..
Announcer/Traveler #1…..Phil Hartman Terry Halsey…..Eric Idle Clive Roarke…..Dana Carvey Traveler #2…..Steve Martin Traveler #3/Airport Announcer…..Nora Dunn Traveler #4…..Jon Lovitz Traveler #5…..Martin Short
FADE IN:
[ STOCK FOOTAGE OF HEATHROW INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ]
Announcer: Heathrow Airport. Gateway to London. The crossroads of Europe. But for the misguided few who try to bring in contraband, it’s the end of the line. Even the cleverest of smugglers will find his match here; thanks to two men — Halsey & Roarke, British Customs.
[ TITLE CARD: HALSEY & ROARKE, BRITISH CUSTOMS ]
[ INT. HEATHROW AIRPORT – BRITISH CUSTOMS – DAY ]
[ Two constables apprehend the FIRST TRAVELER in line and drag him away. ]
Clive Roarke: All right! Make way! Excitement’s over! Show’s over! Give him room!
Traveler #1: BUT I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!
[ Those in line clear the way. ]
Clive Roarke: Doesn’t matter what you do! Give him room! Good eye, Terry! I might have let that one slip through.
Terry Halsey: Just a lucky strike, Clive. Just a lucky shot in the dark. He seemed a little too nonchalant, you know? “Tra-la-la-la-la-la! I’m going through Customs!” Alright, next please.
[ The SECOND TRAVELER in line steps up. ]
Clive Roarke: Good morning! Please put your bag on the counter.
[ Traveler #2 obliges. ]
Terry Halsey: Anything to declare, sir?
Traveler #2: Ah, yes. I got this in Rome.
[ Traveler #2 pulls out a box of chocolates. ]
Terry Halsey: Oh! Chocolates! Very sweet.
[ Halsey opens the box. ]
Terry Halsey: Well, you nearly have enough for everybody in the line…
Clive Roarke: That’s nice!
Terry Halsey: Do you mind? May I?
Traveler #2: Well… sure.
[ Halsey takes out the entire tray of chocolates from the box. ]
Clive Roarke: Do you have anything else to declare today?
Traveler #2: No I don’t.
[ Halsey showcases the lace sheet in the box. ]
Terry Halsey: What a lovely lace bottom this has, Sir!
[ Halsey scans the box again. ]
Terry Halsey: Wait a minute! Wait a tick! ‘Allo!
[ Halsey peels the lace sheet to reveal another tray of chocolates. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo! What’s this!?
Traveler #2: More chocolates.
Terry Halsey: Well, well… The old “False Bottom Trick”! Isn’t that cozy, Clive? See this – we come to the end of the box…
Clive Roarke: Yes.
Terry Halsey: It’s the bottom…
Clive Roarke: Mm-hmm.
Terry Halsey: Or is it?
Clive Roarke: Oh!
[ Roarke places the sheet back on then re-peels it. ]
Clive Roarke: ‘Allo! What’s this? A secret compartment!
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo! Bold as life! You’ve got some nerve, Sonny! What’s the matter? Double your pleasure, eh?
Traveler #2: Those are chocolates! They always come in —
[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Clive Roarke: Take him away! Let him through! Let him through!
[ A THIRD TRAVELER steps up to the desk. ]
Terry Halsey: Next! Anything to declare, madam?
Traveler #3: I don’t think so. I’m just in from New York.
Terry Halsey: New York!?
Traveler #3: Yeah.
Terry Halsey: Crikey!
[ Halsey pulls out a L’Eggs egg from her purse. ]
Terry Halsey: This egg, Clive… Seem a little… on the larger size to you?
Clive Roarke: I suppose so. I’m not much of an egg eater, but it’s a bit big.
[ Roarke flicks the egg twice. ]
Clive Roarke: Wait a minute! ‘Allo! That’s queer!
[ Roarke hands the egg to Halsey. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo!
[ Halsey breaks open the egg. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!
[ Halsey pulls out pantyhose and holds it high. ]
Terry Halsey: Well, Cock-a-Doodle Do!!
Traveler #3: They’re stockings. They’re built that way.
Clive Roarke: Step aside!! We don’t want to hear it!
[ Two constables drag the female traveler away. ]
Clive Roarke: Let her through! Show’s over! Imagine trying a thing like that?
Terry Halsey: Why do they risk it? A nice woman like that…
Clive Roarke: The sport, the thrill of the chase – I suppose.
Terry Halsey: Next please.
[ A FOURTH TRAVELER steps up to the desk. ]
Terry Halsey: Anything to declare?
Traveler #4: No, just this.
[ The traveler hands Halsey a fine wooden chess board. ]
Traveler #4: I bought it in Spain.
Terry Halsey: Oh!! Very nice!
[ Halsey reviews the chess board. ]
Terry Halsey: A handsome wooden block! Nice decorative inlay.
Traveler #4: Well, no, actually it’s a —
Terry Halsey: Please, sir… May I do my job? Do you mind? Thank you very mu —
[ Halsey notices the latch to the chess board. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo!
Clive Roarke: ‘Allo?
Terry Halsey: What’s this thing? A tiny little latch!
[ Halsey opens the latch and all the chess pieces fall out. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!
Clive Roarke: It seems we have some little stowaways here…
Terry Halsey: Lovely little concealed carvings! All hidden away!
Clive Roarke: Third one today.
Terry Halsey: Why do they do it?
Clive Roarke: It’s a character weakness.
Traveler #4: It’s a chess board!
Terry Halsey: Just like all the other ones! How do they take us for!
Clive Roarke: Take him out! Take him out!
[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Terry Halsey: Clear the way, folks! Don’t block the way!
Clive Roarke: Bring it in! Bring it in!
[ A FIFTH TRAVELER, wearing a large, hooded, reversible winter jacket, approaches the desk. ]
Traveler #5: ‘ALLO!
[ Halsey & Roarke exchange looks of suspicion. ]
Terry Halsey: What have you got to declare?
Traveler #5: Nothing! No luggage!! Sorry!
Terry Halsey: I see. There’s something I don’t like about him.
Clive Roarke: The nose?
Terry Halsey: Maybe the jacket…
Clive Roarke: Oh… Sir, could you possibly remove, the, uh, “jacket”?
Traveler #5: Certainly.
[ He removes his jacket. ]
Terry Halsey: Humor me for a moment, Clive.
Clive Roarke: All-righty!
[ Halsey & Roarke each put one arm into the jacket. ]
Terry Halsey: Just a tick…
[ Halsey & Roarke each hold onto one side of the collar. ]
Terry Halsey: Pull!!
[ The jacket reverses. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!
Traveler #5: It’s a reversible jacket. It’s designed to do that.
Terry Halsey: Evidently!
Clive Roarke: Of course it was! Just not quite so soon, eh mate?
[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Terry Halsey: Let him through – the excitement’s over.
Traveler #5: WAIT A MINUTE! It’s not mine. I found the jacket.
Terry Halsey: You found it!?
Traveler #5: Yes, yes…
Terry Halsey: Well, then, that’s all right! On your way then!
[ The constables release him and he quickly exits. ]
Terry Halsey: Next please.
Airport Announcer (V/O): Attention please, all passengers, the British Customs Detention Center is all filled to capacity. Passengers may proceed to the main terminal.
Terry Halsey: Filled up!? It’s not even noon yet!?!?
Clive Roarke: They have to build a new detention center. They have to!
Terry Halsey: All right, move along…
Halsey & Roarke: ‘Allo, ‘allo…
[ Halsey signals for all the passengers to proceed. All do without hesitation. ]
Announcer Don Pardo Mom Jan Hooks Scott Kevin Nealon Danny Martin Short Dad Steve Martin
(Fade in)
(SUPER Bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY THIS WEEK: THE PHONE CALL)
(Cue Music kind of Leave It To Beaver theme music)
Announcer: Now its time for another episode of The Eggshell Family. Tonight: The Phone Call.
(Open on in a family living room, Scott and Danny sit at a table playing Scrabble; Mom sitting on the couch knitting)
Danny: Mom?
Mom: Yes.
Danny: Never mind.
Mom: No, no, honey, you were gonna say something, what was it?
Danny: Well, maybe Scott should ask. Thats okay if its all right with the both of you.
Mom: Well honey, its certainly okay with me, I mean if its okay with Scott. Scott?
Scott: Well, Danny and I were just wondering if you thought it might hurt Dads feelings if, you know, we washed the car.
Mom: Oh boys, I tell you, I just dont know. Your father is a very sensitive man; you realize that, dont you?
Danny: Maybe we shouldnt!
Mom: Well, I didnt say you shouldnt.
(Telephone rings)
Danny: Ill get it! (Starts getting up from his seat to answer the telephone) Unless I shouldnt.
Mom: (confused) Ah, no. You should. I guess.
(Danny walks over the telephone, rather nervously)
Danny: Well, here it goes. (Answers the phone) Hello, Eggshell residence. Could you just hold one second?
Mom: What do you they want?
Danny: They want to talk to Dad.
Mom: Well, who is it?
Danny: I dont ask. Should I have asked?
Scott: Well, YES! Right?
Danny: Yes or no? What?
Mom: Yes.
Danny: May I ask whos calling? (To Mom & Scott) Its Ray from Dads Bowling Team. He just wanted to say hi. What do I do? What do I do?
Mom: Stall! Stall!
Danny: Hi, Ray! So (To Mom & Scott) He asked it this was a bad time! What should I say, that it was or wasnt?
(Dad suddenly comes down the stairs from the second floor of the house; attempts to kiss his wife, nervously, then they both decide not to kiss; Danny stands by the phone, nervously laying the receiver of the telephone on the floor, dangling off the table the telephone sits on; Dad picks a chair to sit at and opens his newspaper and begins reading it)
Scott: (To Mom & Danny) Maybe one of us should say something.
Danny: Well Mom, youre his wife.
Dad: Is something wrong?
Danny: No. What do you mean?
Dad: No, I just thought that never mind.
Danny: Okay.
(Mom moves over to the other side of the couch to attempt to inform her husband about the telephone call)
Mom: Listen, I dont know how exactly to say this, but Is your chair comfortable?
Dad: Oh sure, why? Did you want to sit here?
Mom: No.
Dad: Are you sure? Would you rather sit here? Would you rather sit here?
Mom: Do you want me to sit there?
Dad: Only if you want me to sit there.
(Mom & Dad switch seats)
Scott: Dad?
Dad: Do you want to sit here?
(Scott moves from his seat at the table to where Dad was just sitting on the couch)
Dad & Scott: Okay. Okay.
Scott: Okay, Dad, dont take this the wrong way, but theres a phone call for you.
(Dad gets up quickly, nervous about the telephone call)
Danny: Its Ray. Hes just calling to say hi.
Dad: Hi?
Danny: Yes.
Dad: Did you tell him I was home?
Danny: Shouldnt I have?
Dad: No, not necessarily. Whatever you think. What did you tell him?
Danny: Well, I didnt really know which one to say. What should I
Dad: Whichever one you felt was best.
Danny: Well, to be perfectly frank, I dont think I said one or the other.
(Danny & Dad proceed to talk over each other, then share a laugh about it)
Dad: You go ahead.
Danny: No, I interrupted you.
Dad: No, no, you were talking.
Danny: Well I forgot what I was going to say.
Dad: So did I.
(Dad proceeds to go towards the telephone to answer the call)
Dad: Well, I guess theres no reason not to answer it! Unless you can think of a reason!
Danny: I cant!
(Dad picks up the telephone receiver)
Dad: Hello? (To his family) He hung up!
(Mom, Scott and Danny all have a sigh of relief)
(Cue Music the same Leave It To Beaver theme music from the start of the sketch)
(SUPER bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY NEXT WEEK: A LETTER ARRIVES)
Announcer: Join us next week for episode #7 A Letter Arrives.
Reporter…..Nora Dunn President Reagan…..Phil Hartman William Casey…..Jon Lovitz White House Aide…..Dennis Miller Staffer #1…..A. Whitney Brown Staffer #2…..Kevin Nealon Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Reagan being interviewedby a reporter ]
Reporter: And finally, Mr. President, about the Iran-Nicaraguanconnection. Some may wonder which was worse: your knowing or your notknowing?
President Reagan: [ slow ] Well.. all I can say is.. I didn’t know. And, well.. we’re trying to find out what happened, because.. none of us know.
Reporter: Well, thank you, Mr. President.
President Reagan: [ shaking her hand ] Well.. I hope I’ve answered your questions as best I could.. given the very little I know. Goodbye, and God bless you. Thank you very much. [ she exits the Oval Office, as Reagan suddenly alters his personality to a take-charge attitude ] Okay, get back in here! [ his staffers enter the Oval Office from the adjacent room ] Alright, let’s get down to business! I’m only going to go through this once, so it’s essential that you pay attention! 1: Casey!
William Casey: Yes, Sir!
President Reagan: You’ll spearhead our new operation to fund theContras. The C-5As with the TOW missiles and the grenade launchers will leave for South Africa at 0800 hours! I want you to supervise the loading. 2: Regan!
Don Regan: Yes, Sir.
President Reagan: Well.. I’m afriad you’re going to have to resign. But.. first you’ll make a public statement supporting me, which I wrote myself. It’s over there on the word processor, just key in and press 5. The code name is..? [ Regan shrugs his shoulders ] Oh, alright, I’ll do it for you! Now, any questions? [ Casey raises his hand ] Yes.
William Casey: Mr. President, you’re going so fast. There’s still a lot about the Iran-Contra Affair I don’t understand..
President Reagan: And you don’t need to understand! I’m the President! Only I need to understand! Is that clear?
William Casey: Yes.
President Reagan: Alright. [ presses button to make art print onwall lower to reveal a multi-colored map of the world ] Carlucci, you’re new, here’s how we run things. The red countries are the countries we sell arms to. The green countries are the countries where we wash our money. The blue countries are..
White House Aide: [ entering ] Excuse me, Mr. President, Sir?
President Reagan: Yes?
White House Aide: It’s your 11:30 photo opportunity – the littlegirl who sold the most Girl Scout cookies?
President Reagan: Damn! Okay, let’s get it over with.Everybody out. [ staffers get up ] Come on, come on! Move! [ they exit ] This is the part of the job I hate! [ the Girl Scout enters, as Reagan alters back to his senile personality ] Well.. hello, little girl.. what’s your name?
Girl Scout: Lisa Meyers.
President Reagan: Well, Lisa.. if you’re that good a saleslady..maybe I could use you up on Capitol Hill.. [ laughs ] Well, it was nice meeting you.
White House Aide: Come on, Lisa, come on.
Girl Scout: Bye.
President Reagan: Bye bye! [ Girl Scout exits Oval Office ] Okay, back to work! [ staff re-enters ] Afghanistan needs more money. We’ve got $65.2 million tucked away in Zurich. Now, if we hold it there for another 30 days, at 7.28% interest, that’s.. roughly.. $400,000.
Staffer #1: [ with calculator ] $397,200..
President Reagan: .. and 85! I know! Don’t waste my time! But.. if we take out only $20 million, we lose.. let’s see, let’s see.. that’s..
Staffer #1: $121,800..
President Reagan: and 16! Thank you so much![ intercom buzzes ] Yes?
Voice on Intercom: Mr. President? It’s Mr. Kuran Hasaf Husad.
President Reagan: Alright, put him on the speaker.
Voice on Speaker: [ speaking in Arabic accent ]
President Reagan: [ Reagan responds in Arabic accent ]
President Reagan: B’aska lim! [ hangs up ] Well, gentlemen, I just concluded a very lucrative deal with the Iraqis.
Staffer #2: Mr. President, it just occurred to me. What if something happens to you? You’re the only one who knows what’s going on.
President Reagan: [ angry ] And that’s the way it’s going to stay! To quote Montesquieu: “Power without knowledge is power lost!”
White House Aide: [ entering ] Mr. President, it’s Jimmy Stewart.
President Reagan: Oh, Damn! Now?!
White House Aide: He says he’s had an appoinment with you for two months now.
President Reagan: Oh, alright, alright.. let’s get on with it. Everyone out. [ they exit, as Jimmy Stewart is shown in ] Hello, Jimmy.
[ they shake hands ]
Jimmy Stewart: Yeah, well, hi, Dutch! How are you? I’m sorry, Mr. President! You know, I’m having the hardest time getting used to that!
President Reagan: Well, we sure had great times back in Hollywood..
Jimmy Stewart: Aw, you can say that again, Dutch, we-we-we certainly did, yeah!
President Reagan: Well.. it was good seeing you, Jimmy.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, wha-wha-what are you talking about? I just got here, for crying out loud!
President Reagan: Well, I know, but.. uh, I have a.. well, a meeting.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, that’s just great! That’s just great! I’ll just stick around, that’s it, I’ll just stick around, and it’ll be wha-what? Educationl for me! Yeah!
President Reagan: Jimmy, I’m sorry, you can’t stay.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, come on, Dutch..
President Reagan: Jimmy! Don’t make me have to kill you!
Jimmy Stewart: Kill me? Wha-what? Kill me! Wha-wha.. since when is it a crime to visit your friend? I mean, what are you gonna do, have your Secret Service boys come in here and just blow me away? You’ve changed, Dutch, you’ve really changed!
President Reagan: Oh, Jimmy, please try to understand..
Jimmy Stewart: [ turns to leave ] For crying out loud! You’ve turned into a real jerk, you know that, you sonofa.. [ exits ]
President Reagan: Please, Jimmy.. okay, good! [ staff re-enters ] Alright, now listen. I want to discuss the cover-up. Here’s my plan: the NSC Review Board. We’ll buy Tower, bribe him, jsut flat out buy him! Now, we’ll dose Muskie with mood-altering drugs! [ laughs ] By the time Muskie knows what day it is, the ’88 elections will be over! [ continues to laugh ]
[ cut to a clock on the mantel, the hours speeding by rapidly ]
[ cut to close-up of Reagan behind his desk in great thought ]
President Reagan: ..so, if we channel the $72 million through Ivan Boesky, we’ll have enough left over for Syria and South Ghana. Now, next point on the agenda is.. [ notices all the members of his staff asleep in their chairs ] Ed? Donald? Hello-o! Well, just me again.. great. Well, I’ve been doing it this way for six yers, why should I change now? [ checks his watch ] 3am.. [ dials phone ] The banks should be opening in Zurich right about now..
[ speaks German into phone as the scene pans out and ends ]
Air Date:
Robert Cray Band, “Smoking Gun”
Eddie Van Halen & G.E. Smith, “Stompin’ 8H”
