[ open on Father and Child looking at a Grenada poster outside a travel agency ]
Child: Dad? What’s Grenada?
V/O: A child’s question. But not a question a child might ask. And one, that in the past, has only led to more childish questions.
Child: Did we win the war in Grenada, Daddy?
V/O: Why did we go there? How did we find it? What did the Marines do the rest of that week?
Child: Is it really the smallest country in the world?
V/O: Time-Life Books presents: The Grenada Experience. The series designed to help you celebrate the greatest military triumph of our generation. 48 comprehensive volumes, one for every hour of this explosive period in American history. We’ll take you there, with the first troops to land. You’ll experience first-hand what it was like to ask directions from people with English accents. You’ll attend secret meetings at the White House, and meet the men who first realized that, somewhere in the world, there had to be a country we could lick. Call toll-free, and start putting the Grenada experience into focus. It’s important to gloat over Grenada. But gloating isn’t enough. Even bragging isn’t enough. It’s even more important to ask the question, “What is the big deal?” For ourselves, and for future generations.
Announcer: Call 1-800-PUSHOVER. Order now, and receive, free of charge, the 14-volume set “Time-Life History of Head-On Collisions”. Jam-packed eith photos previously published only in Mexican newspapers.
Paul Shaffer: Thank you very, very much! I’ve gotta say, it really is a kick to be here, you know? Being here at “Saturday Night Live”, it brings back so many memories of how it used to be back in those golden years. You know, the excitement, the ego crashes, the self-destructiveness, the neurotic obsessions, the panicking trips to the emergency room – I don’t know! I guess, what I remember most about it.. well, I guess it would be the ego crashes, actually, but that would probably be about it. But forget about that!
Twelve years ago, I started out as a piano player in this very band right here. And it’s still a great band, it really is. It may not come up exactly to the level of my own band that I have on “Late Night” –
G.E. Smith: [ offended ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Paul Shaffer: Well, really! I mean, you don’t even look like a band! You look like a bunch of waiters!
G.E. Smith: See you later, Paul! [ starts to exit stage ]
Paul Shaffer: Wait a minute! G.E.! you can’t walk out!
G.E. Smith: Why not!
Paul Shaffer: Why not?
G.E. Smith: Yeah!
Paul Shaffer: G.E., I seem to remember a little fresh-faced kid coming to New York for the first time, looking for a break in show business. And if I remember correctly, I think it was me who gave this kid his first job in a Broadway show –
G.E. Smith: Yeah, but Paul, that wasn’t me.
Paul Shaffer: No. It wasn’t you, G.E. But still, we go back.
G.E. Smith: Way back.
Paul Shaffer: I spent five years on this show, putting together opening numbers for everybody! All the guests, all the casts. This is my one chance to open up “Saturday Night Live” the way I always thought it should open up. Will you kick it off?
G.E. Smith: Just for you, buddy!
Paul Shaffer: [ singing ]“I want to tell you a little story, baby A story about a little show! I’m gonna tell you a big, bad story, baby! A story about a little late night show! Here we go!
I said down by the skyscraper A skyscraper called 30 Rock. That’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza to you, baby! That’s where you’ll find me About 11:30 on the clock. I don’t want to miss that cold opening, baby, whoo! And I love that dirty water Oh, Saturday Night, you’re my home!
Now, listen.
Frustration, right onYeah, frustrated, got to stay up past five o’clock! That’s 5 a.m., that’s when they really start to jam! They crash out of nowhere, that Saturday night joy will rock! Oh, every night for 12 years, baby! And I love that dirty water Oh, Saturday Night’s my home!”
[ guitar solo from G.E. Smith ]
“And I love that dirty water Oh, Saturday Night, you’re my home!
Oh, it’s nice to be back! Here we go!
I want to stay there! I love Saturday Night! Saturday night, Saturday night!”
“Choppin’ Broccoli” is re-recorded as Birds Eye jingle. Recurring Characters: Derek Stevens.
Babette’s Valentine Babette (Nora Dunn) fumes over suitor’s (Phil Hartman) choice of gifts. Recurring Characters: Babette.
Paul Young perform “War Games”
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Jacques Cousteau discusses mating ritual of napkin fish. A. Whitney Brown’s Big Picture focuses on Senate pay hike alternatives. Dennis Miller wears a full-sized Body Condom.
The Life of Golda Meir Meir’s (Paulina Poriskova) good looks hinder Israeli war efforts.
Police Sketch Artist Sketch artist (Kevin Nealon) alters own face to resemble crime suspect.
Hardware Store Gigolo Armando (Pinchot) tries to make it with Marge Keister (Jan Hooks) in hardware store. Recurring Characters: Marge Keister.
Paul Young perform “The Long Run”
Miss Connie’s Fable Nook Lebee (Kevin Nealon) brings smile to Princess’ (Paulina Poriskova) face. Recurring Characters: Miss Connie, Koko, Mishu, Lebee.
Golda Meir…..Paulina Porizkova General Dian…..Kevin Nealon General #2…..Phil Hartman General #3…..Bronson Pinchot Protester…..Jon Lovitz
Announcer: NBC proudly presents.. “The Life of Golda Meir”.
Starring: Paulina Porizkova as Golda Meir.
Chapter IV: The War Years.
[ open on Golda Meir’s private bunker, where a buxom (obviously Porizkova simply playing herself) Golda Meir heads a meeting with her generals ]
Golda Meir: [ effeminately holding a cigarette in her right hand ] Gentlemen, we are under attack from two sides. Is this the end of Israel?
General Dian: I don’t know about that, Prime Minister Meir, but I’ll tell you one thing. You are an incredibly beautiful woman.
Golda Meir: [ smiling ] Thank you, General, that’s very kind. But, please, we must know.. how much time does the Army have to mobilize?
General #2: I can’t blame General Dian, Madame Prime Minister. We all know that Israel is in danger. But with you looking the way you do, it’s hard to think about the war. You’re an absolute knockout, you know that?
Golda Meir: Thank you, gentlemen, this is all very flattering, but, please, you must concentrate. Please?
General #3: Wait. I have an idea. Perhaps, Prime Minister, your, uh.. fantastic figure and gorgeous face could be used to help the war effort.
Golda Meir: [ interested, sits ] Go on.
General #3: Perhaps if you were to visit the front in, say, a revealing swimsuit, it might provide our soldiers with a much-needed moral life. [ turns ] What do you say, General Dian?
General Dian: Well, you know I’ll support any plan that’ll get Golda Meir into a revealing swimsuit.
General #3: Well, Madame Prime Minister?
Golda Meir: [ thinking, stands ] Get my leopard bikini ready. I’ll be leaving for the Golan Heights in an hour.
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “This docu-drama, while based on actual events, includes some ficticious material. The character of Golda Meir is a composite, based on that of the real Golda Meir and a beautiful young model.” ]
[ dissolve to a protester holding up an issue of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue with Golda on the cover ]
Announcer: Tomorrow night, on Part V of “The Life of Golda Meir”.. “An Attack From Within”..
Protester: Is this the person we want to lead Israel! This time Meir has gone too far!
[ dissolve to Golda Meir accepting a Nobel peace prize ]
Announcer: ..followed by “Triumph and Vindication”.
Golda Meir: I humbly thank the Nobel Academy for this award. It’s nice to be recognized for something other than my looks. Thank you.
Announcer: Tomorrow night, on “The Life of Golda Meir”.
Paulina Porizkova: Hello, I’m Paulina Porizkova. Today we live in a climate of increasing censorship. There’s the Meese Commission, the Moral Majority, and the banning of Penthouse and Playboy from 7-11’s. That’s why, now more than ever, the young man in your household needs Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue.
It’s filled with dozens of photos of today’s top models wearing practcally no clothes at all. And it’s mixed in with enough sports scores and essays on thoroughbred racing to make it acceptable in any American home.
Now, you could buy the swimsuit issue at the newsstand, where it usually sells out within an hour. Or you could do the smart thing – subscribe to Sports Illustrated. That way, you’re sure to get the swimsuit issue each January – and that’s not all. You also get 50 other issues filled with interesting articles.
Articles about football, baseball and basketball. Plus occasional pictures of Laura Ball.. [ golf player showing her bustline during a drive shot ] ..Janet Stevenson.. [ golf player with more of a bustline during a drive ] ..Carlene Vasset.. [ tennis player whose skirt fluffs open during a shot ] ..and Julianne MacMamora.. [ gymnast whose panties can be seen as she motions on the parallel bars ]
And, if you subscribe now, you also get a bonus: this Sports Illustrated “Do Not Disturb” sign.
So, what are you waiting for? Remember, Sports Illustrated is an important part of growing up. Your kids need it.
Dirty Bum: And I need it, too!
Announcer: To get the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, plus the other issues, dial 1-800-999-WANK.
Church Chat Danny DeVito plugs “Tin Men”, Nelson duet with Church Lady (Dana Carvey). Recurring Characters: Church Lady.
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Victoria Jackson performs handstand to review “Amerika”. A. Whitney Brown’s Big Picture observes China’s overpopulation.
Redneck Tanning Parlor Southerners redden their necks the new-fashioned way.
Robin Leach…..Dana Carvey Liberace…..Phil Hartman Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
Robin Leach: Join me on a jauncy joy ride to the gigantic kingdom of the Great Jehovah! Where we’ll search out celestial celebrities who thought they were safe from me because they’re dead! This week, on a special editon of “Afterlife Styles of the Rich & Famous”!
[ dissolve to Robin standing in Heaven ]
Hello, I’m Robin Leach! I’m yelling, I don’t know why! I’m in Heaven! I’m not dead, I’m just visiting! We’re about to enter the exclusive estate of the Creator of the Universe! Next to me, are the Pearly Gates! Standing 47 stories high, and made of real pearls. On Earth, that would set you back nearly a billion dollars! Cost in Heaven: nothing! Nada! Zero! Zip! God just made them, I don’t know why![ hears piano music ]
What’s this? It sounds like music! [ looks and sees Liberace tickling the ivories ] Well, bless my bald spot! It’s the late Liberace literally lounging in paradise! [ walks over to Liberace, sits next to him on the piano bench ] But who’s the stranger here? I think it’s me!
Liberace: Why, Robin, what a surprise! You’re the last person I ever thought I’d see here!
Robin Leach: Libby, it looks like you got the last laugh on life! Tell us, what’s it like up here?
Liberace: It’s heavenly. I’m in Heaven! [ laughs ]
Robin Leach: He makes a joke! He’s deceased, and he makes a joke!
Liberace: It’s just fabulous here! There are fountains and dancing angels.. It’s like Las Vegas, only the lighting is better.
Robin Leach: Now, tell us, Libby, what was it like passing over?
Liberace: Well.. I was bathed in white lights.. just endless peace, warmth and love. I lifted higher and higher.. and then I entered a rhinstone tunnle, which I shot through at the speed of light. And when I reached the end, there was a chorus of friends and angels singing in greeting. And you know what they were singing, Robin? “Oklahoma”!
Robin Leach: Appropos! Tell me, Libby, have you met the top banana, the head honcho, the big cheese?
Liberace: Who?
Robin Leach: God!
Liberace: No, you don’t get to see him right away. First you have to be fitted with special glasses.
Robin Leach: One more question before I leave, Libby: what do you do all day?
Liberace: Oh, my goodness. What don’t I do? Of course, I love to play the piano, like always. I’d be pulling your leg if I denied that! [ chuckles ]
Robin Leach: Well, with all this, I have to wonder: are you happy?
Liberace: Are you kidding? [ laughs ]
[ Mephistopheles appears ]
Mephistopheles: [ laughing maniacally ] Good evening.
Robin Leach: Well, well, what a surprise! The elusive Lucifer here in person! What are you doing here?
Mephistopheles: I used to live here.
Robin Leach: Oh. Now he puts on a non grata. Cast into the pits of fire for eternity! A fall from grace for this demented demon!
Mephistopheles: Well, I still work here, Robin. You see, I’m the bouncer! [ laughs maniacally ] Time to go now, Robin.
Robin Leach: But I’m not a sinner, I’m a television personality! I have three shows, I don’t know why!
Mephistopheles: You are a fawning sycophant. There are many sins, Robin. Greed, flattery, envy.. a loud, annoying voice.
Robin Leach: But I’m not dead, I’m just visiting! Tell him, Libby!
Liberace: Goodbye, Robin! Thanks for dropping in!
Robin Leach: I’m Robin Leach! I’m going to Hell, I don’t know why!
[ Mephistopheles pulls Robin off screen, as the camera zooms in on Liberace ]
Liberace: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Carl Starkwell…..Danny DeVito Jolene Starkwell…..Nora Dunn …..Willie Nelson
Announcer: In an ongoing celebration of America’s cultural diversity, NBC proudly presents “Great Moment in the History of White Trash”.
[ open on Carl & Jolene Starkwell drinking coffee at a table in a greasy spoon ]
Carl Starkwell: [ laughing ] To my newest bride. [ motions to pour liquor into Jolene’s cup of coffee ] Let me top that off for ya’.
Jolene Starkwell: Oh, honey.. it’s eight o’clock in the morning.
Carl Starkwell: Where does the time go! [ laughs ]
Jolene Starkwell: Well, alright. You’re gettin’ better lookin’ by the gulp.
Carl Starkwell: Well, you know.. you drink more than my sixth wife. Boy, is she a loser!
Jolene Starkwell: Well, I’ll make you forget all about her. What do ya say we drive up to Lookout Mountain and have ourselves a honeymoon?
Carl Starkwell: Uh.. I was gonna mention that, dearie. I think we’re gonna have to do that next week. The Trans Am’s up on blocks.
Jolene Starkwell: Alright. Pour me another.
Carl Starkwell: You got it, Sweet Cheeks!
[ SUPER: “Carl & Jolene Starkwell, First Cousins” ]
[ zoom into box in upper right-hand corner, as Willie Nelson appears in the remainder of the screen ]
Willie Nelson: Carl never did get the Trans Am fixed. It just sat there in the front yard with it’s hood off ’til they got a divorce. Still, they sure were good people. This has been another Great Moment in the History of White Trash.
Audra Foley…..Jan Hooks Patron…..Phil Hartman …..Willie Nelson
Announcer: And now, NBC presents another “Great Moment in the History of White Trash”.
[ open on Patron approaching waitress Audra Foley at the lunch counter ]
Audra Foley: Hi, there. What’s your pleasure, stranger?
Patron: I’ll go for one of them French dips.
Audra Foley: Sure thing, sugar. You want a donut, too?
Patron: You’re sassy. I like that! What time you get off work?
Audra Foley: What’s it to ya’?
Patron: ‘Cause I wanna take you out and buy you the thickest steak in town.
Audra Foley: Well, I don’t get off ’til midnight. That’s a little late for eatin’, don’tcha think?
Patron: Well.. then why don’t we just go down to the hotel and shack up?
Audra Foley: What kinda car you got?
Patron: Trans Am.
Audra Foley: Bring a bottle.
[ SUPER: “Audra Foley, Party Girl” ]
[ zoom into box in upper right-hand corner, as Willie Nelson appears in the remainder of the screen ]
Willie Nelson: Audra Foley went on to become an overweight divorcee with a pack of illegitimate children. She never amounted to much, but she sure was good people. This has been another Great Moment in the History of White Trash.
Air Date:
Paul Young, “War Games”
Willie Nelson, “Blue Eyes”
