Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
To me, boxing is like a ballet,
except there’s no music, no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.
Category: 1990
SNL Transcripts: Michael J. Fox: 03/16/91: Central High Class Reunion
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 15
90o: Michael J. Fox / Black Crowes
Central High Class Reunion
Ronnie Stilson…..Michael J. Fox
Mike…..Mike Myers
Nick DeCaesar…..Kevin Nealon
Cindy Plank…..Victoria Jackson
Brian Grady…..Dana Carvey
Band Member…..Adam Sandler
[Song plays Celebrate Good Times, sign reads We Welcome Central High Class of 1981 to the Blue Room- 8 PM]
Ronnie: I cant believe how much everybodys changed.
Mike: Oh man, a 10 year reunion already, wow that went fast, you know. Hey I better go find my wife, ok? Look, stop by ok?
Ronnie: I will.
Mike: Great, see ya later.
Nick: Yo Ronnie Stilson, how ya been?
Ronnie: Hey . Nicky, Nicky!
Nick: Yeah, how ya doin? You lookin good, you alright?
Ronnie: How you doin, you alright?
Nick: Im doin good, yeah yeah, you doin alright?
Ronnie: Im alright.
Nick: Come here you goobma, you ok?
Ronnie: Yeah Im great.
Nick: Yeah of course youre great.
Ronnie: Its weird you know, Im seein everybody how much theyve changed.
Nick: Yeah yea I know. Forget about them, how are YOU doin?
Ronnie: Me, Im good, thank you.Nick: Listen to this guy, Im good, of course youre good, and you were good to me too, remember in high school, I had a little thing for that chick, Anita Simon, and she wouldnt give me the time of day, and you told me, forget about her. You said there were plenty of fish out there, remember?
Ronnie: Yeah yeah.
Nick: How you doin, you lookin good, lookin good, you workin?
Ronnie: Yeah Im workin over at Sakorski Aircraft.
Nick: Oh yeah sure, sure. You like it over there?
Ronnie: Work is work, you know. Actually I got a little run in with my foreman today.
Nick: Woah woah woah! You got a little run in with your foreman?
Ronnie: Yeah it was no big deal.
Nick: And what is this foremans name?
Ronnie: What, my foreman?
Nick: Yeah what is his name?
Ronnie: Dan, Dan Damurski.
Nick: Ok thats all I need to know, Ill take care of it.
Ronnie: Wait a minute, what do you mean youll take care of it?
Nick: I will take care of it, thats all you need to know, end of discussion, alright? Ronnie, lookin good! I see by your ring that youre married, are you happy?
Ronnie: Uh actually to be honest with ya, Im going through a divorce right now.
Nick: Holy jeez, not you.
Ronnie: Yeah its gettin pretty messy too, our lawyer is taking me to the cleaners.
Nick: Uh huh, I see, and what is the name of this lawyer? I may know him.
Ronnie: Well I believe his name is Sam Frick.
Nick: Who?
Ronnie: Frick, Sam Frick.
Nick: Sam Frick, ok thats all I need to know, Ill take care of it.
Ronnie: Wait no no no, Nick.
Nick: No Ill take care of it, consider it done. Look I dont know you, you dont know me, we never spoke, alright? End of story! Alright! Lookin good Cindy! Cindy Plwank!
Cindy: Hi Nick the Scissor!
Nick: How ya doin? You lookin good, lookin good.
Cindy: Thank you.
Nick: I hear youre a mother now, huh? That must be something right?
Cindy: Oh, dont let anyone tell you its easy.
Nick: Why, whats the problem? Talk to me.
Cindy: Well my oldest child Eric had to stay after school today, and he felt really hurt about it.
Nick: Woah woah woah, let me understand this. One of the teachers kept your child after school?
Cindy: Yeah.
Nick: Uh huh, and what might be the name of this individual who did this to your child?
[Ronnie motioning with his hand to Cindy behind Nickys back, trying to get her to stop talking to Nicky]
Cindy: The name?
Nick: Yeah.
Cindy: Ms. Flanders.
Nick: Ms. Flanders, thats all I need to know, Ill take care of it, alright? Ill take care of it, listen to me, consider it done alright? I dont know you, you dont know me, we never spoke, I never saw you in my life.
Brian: Hey Ronnie! Long time no see, how ya doin?
Ronnie: Good, good.
Nick: Brian Grady! Yo, give me a hug, come here you! [Nicky gives hug, while Brian is confused, reluctant to hug] How you been? You look good!
Brian: Nick Ok so Ronnie its good to see ya, you still a big Mets fan?
Ronnie: No not really, not since Daryl Strawberry went to the Dodgers.
Brian: Yeah yeah.
Nick: Woah, who let you down?
Ronnie: Nobody.
Brian: Daryl Strawberry let us both down.
Nick: Alright thats all I need to know.
Brian: Whats that?
Nick: This guy, Daryl Strawberry, he let you both down, thats all I need to know, Ill take care of it, alright? Say no more.
Brian: Relax, relax.
Nick: I am relaxed, believe me I am very relaxed.
Brian: So listen Ronnie, Patti tells me you almost won the Twilight League Bowling Tournament, but your partner blew it or something?
Ronnie: No! [motioning with hand, signaling to Brian to drop the subject]
Nick: Whats that? Somebody blew something for somebody, whos this?
Brian: Oh, well Ronnies bowling partner blew the tournament for him.
Nick: Oh, uh huh.
Brian: Oh my God, Mr. Jeffers, gotta go. See ya later.
Nick: Ronnie, Ronnie come here, now tell me Ronnie who is this bowling partner of your that couldnt carry his share of the weight?
Ronnie: It was nobody really, doesnt even bother me.
Nick: No Im just curious, who was it? I just wanna make sure you never bowl with him.
Ronnie: I dont even remember his name.
Nick: Come on, tell me about this character, whatd he look like?
Ronnie: Well nobody, I dont know, ok. He looked like a heavier, older version of Treat Williams.
Nick: Treat Williams, ok thats all I need to know, I will take care of him, alright? Everything else good?
Ronnie: Great, great no complaints.
Nick: Youd tell me if everything wasnt great, correct? [adjusts Ronnies collar]
Ronnie: Absolutely.
Nick: Alright, you take care of yourself. [Slaps Ronnies cheeks, walks into ballroom]
Singer: [singing lyrics to slow dance song, playing guitar] You make a fine line, right there, Luciiiiillllle! Alright, thank you.
Nick: Pal, you got a second?
Singer: Sure.
Nick: Listen, I really appreciate you entertaining all my friends like this.
Singer: Oh no problem.
Nick: No Im serious, I appreciate it. Now what is this about this chick that left you high and dry?
Singer: What do you mean?
Nick: You know, the chick that left you with the crops in the field, and the children.
Singer: Oh the song Lucille?
Nick: Yeah Lucille, whod she leave you for?
Singer: Its just a song.
Nick: No no no I heard it, she left you, you had some bad times and some sad times?
Singer: Oh my friend, thats just a song by Kenny Rogers, Lucille its called.
Nick: Uh huh, and this Kenny Rogers is the putz who ran off with your old lady leaving you with the crops in the field?
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg
Michael J. Fox’s Monologue
Michael J. Fox’s Monologue
…..Michael J. Fox
Doc…..Kevin Nealon
Michael After The Show…..Dana Carvey
…..Lorne Michaels
Michael A Week Earlier…..David Spade
Michael J. Fox: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Listen, we’ve got a great show tonight, the Black Crowes are here! You know, they’ve been after me to host the show for a long time now.. and now that I’ve finally agreed to do it, it’s really great to be here. I guess, I’m kind of on top of the world, you know? I’ve got this new movie out, it’s called “The Hard Way”, it’s pretty good.. I mean, I don’t want to sound immodest, or anything.. but it’s really raking it in, you know? I don’t know.. I guess you could say it’s making so much money, it would be hard to weigh it! [ laughs ] You know? Hard to weigh? Hard.. weigh-eigh-eigh..
[ rear doors open, as Doc Brown and Michael After The Show rush in ]
Doc: Michael! Michael! Don’t do it!
Michael J. Fox: Wait a minute.. wait a minute.. Doc, what are you donig here!
Doc: Michael, you can’t do the show! Michael, come here – tell him!
Michael After The Show: Michael, we came to stop you, man..
Michael J. Fox: Wait a minute! Who the hell are you!
Michael After The Show: I’m you! I’m Michael J. Fox! I just came from 90 minutes in the future! The show’s a complete dud!
Michael J. Fox: Wait a minute.. whoa, whoa, whoa.. what do you mean? What do you mean? It’s gonna be a great show!
Michael After The Show: Michael, did you hear that last joke? It bombed!
Michael J. Fox: Alright, okay, alright.. but how about my next joke?
Doc: Oh, that bombs, too!
Michael J. Fox: No, no, no, it’s great!
Doc: Well, try it!
Michael J. Fox: Alright. Okay, here goes.. I’m also excited, because tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day.. and maybe, instead of saying “Top o’ the morning to ya”, I can say something like, “Top o’ the evening to ya!”
Doc: [ sullen ] And that’s the best joke you’ve got!
Michael J. Fox: [ sighs ] Doc, Doc, Doc.. you gotta help me!
Doc: Come on, Michael! There’s no time to lose!
Michael J. Fox: Where are we going?
Doc: We’ve gotta go back! Alright? We’ve gotta go back and stop you before you host the show! Come on!
[ the three of them run off the stage ]
[ dissolve to DeLorean flying away from outside 30 Rock, then reappearing there a week earlier ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels’ office ]
Michael A Week Earlier: Lorne, look.. I don’t want to cause any trouble.. but that “Top o the Evening” joke, I mean.. is that funny?
Lorne Michaels: [ laughing ] Michael, we’ve been doing this for 16 years!
[ Doc and the two Michaels run into the office ]
Michael A Week Earlier: Hey, Doc! What’s going on here, Doc?
Doc: We got here just in time! you can still back out!
Lorne Michaels: Who are you people?
Michael J. Fox: I’m.. I’m Michael.. six days from now..
Michael After The Show: Yeah.. and I’m Michael after he does the show – he bombed!
Michael A Week Earlier: [ worried ] Hey, hey, what’s this? I bombed..?
Michael After The Show: Yeah, bad. Look how it ages you!
Michael A Week Earlier: Oh, ho, geez.. wait.. wait a minute, uh.. I gotta get out of here..!
Lorne Michaels: Wait. Look, I don’t care which of you does the show, but if you back out, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with this gigantic bag of money. [ pulls gigantic bag of money onto desk ]
Michaels: [ swaying ] Whoa-oa-oa-oa..
Lorne Michaels: It’s more than you got for that Diet Pepsi ad.
Michael J. Fox: Alright.. never mind! Let’s roll! Let’s roll! Let’s roll!
[ Doc and the three Michaels run out of Lorne’s office ]
[ dissolve to DeLorean flying away from outside 30 Rock, then reappearing back in the present ]
[ dissolve to the three Michaels back on stage ]
Michaels: We’ve got a great show! Black Crowes are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Irons: 03/23/91
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
March 23rd, 1991
Jeremy Irons
Fishbone
Razor Ruddock
Fishbone, “Sunless Saturday”
Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.
(Repeat) See: 02/16/91.
Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.
A story about a sad clown with diarrrhea.
Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.
Recurring Characters: Mace.
How to temper homicidal urges.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
You know what would make a good story?
Something about a clown who makes people happy,
but inside he’s real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sherlock Holmes’ Surprise Party
Sherlock Holmes’ Surprise Party
Dr. Watson…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Hudson…..Jan Hooks
Sir Reginald Mustry…..Kevin Nealon
Inspector LeStrade…..Mike Myers
Eileen Adler…..Victoria Jackson
Sherlock Holmes…..Jeremy Irons
[ SUPER: “London, 1893 ]
[ open on exterior, 221 Baker Street ]
[ dissolve to interior, 221 Baker Street ]
Inspector LeStrade: See him yet, Dr. Watson?
Dr. Watson: Not yet, Inspector LeStrade. Professor Moriarty was to keep Holmes at the restaurant until 8:30. If all is going according to plan, he should appear at any moment nowe.
Inspector LeStrade: I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Why, the pipe will fall right out of his mouth, it will!
Dr. Watson: You know, Holmes has never had a “surprise” party before.
Inspector LeStrade: All the more reason for him not to suspect!
[ Mrs. Hudson enters ]
Dr. Watson: Mrs. Hudson, is everything ready?
Mrs. Hudson: The cake is in the kitchen, and the presents are out of sight, Dr. Watson!
Eileen Adler: [ moves away from the window ] Oh! Here he comes!
Dr. Watson: Great Scot! Now, remember: when I say, “How’s the weather, Holmes?” everyone jumps out and yells, “Surprise!”
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I’m all a-flutter!
Dr. Watson: Alright! Hide, everyone! Hide! [ everyone takes their places around the room; Dr. Watson sits down, pretending to read a newspaper, as Shrlock Holmes enters ] Holmes? Is that you?
Sherlock Holmes: [ motions his eyes about the room ] Why, Watson.. a surprise party. How delightful.
Dr. Watson: [ faking naivite ] A suprise party? Why.. whatever are you talking about..?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, come, come, my dear Watson. It’s obvious that several of my good friends are hiding in this room at this very moment. For example.. judging by these size 14 Scotland Yard-issued galoshes, I would say that Inspector LeStrade is hiding, at this moment, behind these curtains.
Dr. Watson: Oh.. oh.. oh..
[ Holmes pulls the curtain open, revealing Inspector LeStrade ]
Inspector LeStrade: Alright, you caught me, Holmes.. Happy Birthday..
Sherlock Holmes: And the boughs in the floorboards here tells me that, rather than visiting her sister in Sussex, Mrs. Hudson is on her knees and hands behind the windback. [ pulls the windback out, revealing Mrs. Hudson ]
Dr. Watson: Good Heavens, Holmes! Amazing!
Mrs. Hudson: Very impressive, Mr. Holmes..
Dr. Watson: Well, Holmes, you got everyone one of us.. we’re all here.. [ chuckles nervously ]
Sherlock Holmes: All except for two, WAtson.
Dr. Watson: Two? I.. don’t know what you’re talking about, Holmes..
Sherlock Holmes: It is not I who is doing the talking, Watson. It is the Oriental.
Dr. Watson: [ laughs ] The.. the carpet talking! Preposterous!
Sherlock Holmes: These two set of footprints lead to the alcove, where we shall find a lady of high breeding, accompanied by a gentleman with a pronounced limp. [ pulls curtains, revealing the pair ]
Dr. Watson: Astounding, Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm.. Eileen Adler and Sir Reginald Mustry. This is a surprise.
Eileen Adler: Happy Birthday, Sherlock..
Sir Reginald Mustry: Remarkable, Holmes. I injured my ankle just yesterday.
Sherlock Holmes: [ thinking ] Hmm.. riding accident.. Horse spooked by a passing locomotive, I would say?
Sir Reginald Mustry: Yes.
Inspector LeStrade: Well.. I suppose it was a bit presumptious to think that we could fool the great Sherlock Holmes.
Mrs. Hudson: [ wheels out the cake ] Well.. forget the surprise.. but you’re still having a birthday cake, whether you like it or not, Mr. Holmes.. [ starts to light the candles ]
Sherlock Holmes: Stop, Mrs. Hudson! No need to light the other 37 candles. I wont be blowing them out!
Mrs. Hudson: And.. and why not?
Sherlock Holmes: As you attempted to light the first candle, a tiny spark portrayed the presence of magnesium nitrate. These are Jokey Joke Candles! They cannot be blown out!
Mrs. Hudson: Yes, Mrs. Holmes, that’s supposed to be part of the fun!
Sherlock Holmes: Ah! As I suspected!
Dr. Watson: [ sighs ] Well, there’s still plenty of fun to be had.. why don’t you open your presents, Holmes? Only, no guessing!
Sherlock Holmes: No guessing required, Watson. [ grabs present ] Ah.. thank you for the new calabash, LeStrade. [ opens present to reveal gift ]
Inspector LeStrade: Amazing, Mr. Holmes! How did you know that?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I noticed you are smoking a brand new briar, which you purchased yourself when buying me my new calabash.. [ grabs next present ] ..which should come in handy when smoking the packet of cherry walnut tobacco Mrs. Hudson purchased for me at Mrs. Dunhill of Piccadilly.
Mrs. Hudson: Oranges and lemons, the bells of St. Climons! How ever did you know that!
Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, Mrs. Hudson. You neglected to remove the label! [ flips tobacco around to reveal label ]
Mrs. Hudson: Ah.
Sherlock Holmes: [ grabs next present ] And this, I think, is from you, Watson.. a new pair of silk stockings, and a garter belt, and lime-green feather boa.
Dr. Watson: Remarkable, Holmes.. though I wish you hadn’t told everyone..
Inspector LeStrade: We all knew.. we all knew..
Sherlock Holmes: [ grabs last present ] And, finally, this rather large package, containing.. a new magnifying glass eith an ebony handle.. [ pulls out the magnifying glass ]
Dr. Watson: Great Scot!
Sherlock Holmes: Now.. I suspect you would like to know the process through which I deduced that there was such a small article in such a large package? [ sits in his chair ]
Everyone: No!!
Mrs. Hudson: You know, a real friend would at least pretend to be surprised, instead of poking a hole in everyone’s bagpipe! Come on, everyone, let’s go, party’s over!
[ they all turn to walk away ]
Dr. Watson: I think I’ll be getting some fresh air as well.
Sherlock Holmes: As you wish, Watson.
[ everyone exits the room; Sherlock Holmes picks up his violin and begins to play “Happy Birthday To You”, then stops to look about the room curiously ]
Sherlock Holmes: Odd. Hmm.. all five, incluing Watson, leaving simultaneuously. Of course. [ stands up to open the door, where he discovers all his friends waiting there for him ] Surprise!
Dr. Watson: [ sighs ] Happy Birthday, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you, thank you! Please come in! Why, this is the most exciting birthday I’ve ever had!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Catherine O’Hara: 04/13/91
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
April 13th, 1991
Catherine O’Hara
R.E.M.
Randy Quaid
Kate Pierson
R.E.M., “Losing My Religion”
Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, Frank Sinatra.
(Repeat) See: 02/23/91.
Recurring Characters: Pat.
If you fall from the Sears Tower.
Recurring Characters: Frank Gannon, P.I. P.I.
Recurring Characters: Stewart Smalley.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,
just go real limp, because maybe
you’ll look like a dummy and people
will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
SNL Transcripts: Catherine O’Hara: 04/13/91: Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 17
90q: Catherine O’Hara / R.E.M.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.
Frank Gannon…..Kevin Nealon
Professor Halloway…..Tim Meadows
Dr. Amanda Caldecon…..Catherine OHara
Mother #1…..Julia Sweeney
Mother #2…..Jan Hooks
[Man appears dead lying on the floor]
Dr. Caldecon: [crying]
Professor Halloway: I know, I know.
Dr. Caldecon: I just cant believe this is happening.
Professor Halloway: I know, I know.
Dr. Caldecon: Everyone loved George.
Professor Halloway: Im sure that the police will get to the bottom of this Amanda.
Dr. Caldecon: But who could have killed him? Who could have done it? Who? Who? Who?
Frank Gannon: [approaches scene of crime] Thats what Im here for maam. Frank Gannon, PI. Lets take a look at the body. [Glances at body, pause] I must be in the wrong place, the captain said a professor had been shot.
Professor Halloway: Thats right, professor Atkins.
Frank Gannon: But this is a black man, this is obviously a drug related crime. Im looking for the body of a college professor.
Dr. Caldecon: He was a professor.
Frank Gannon: Maybe you should take a closer look, this is clearly the body of a black man.
Professor Halloway: I know, this is the body of professor George Atkins, a college professor who happened to be black.
Frank Gannon: Oh oh I see, a professor of black studies?
Dr. Caldecon: Excuse me, I dont know why you would make that assumption, he was a professor of history.
Frank Gannon: Oh I see, black history.
Announcer: [as music plays] Frank Gannon, PI PI, politically incorrect private investigator.
Frank Gannon: Well anyway whatever kind of history he taight, hes history right now, and Im here to find out why hes history. So if you could just direct me to the professors widow, Id like to ask a couple of questions.
Dr. Caldecon: Im the professors widow.
Frank Gannon: Oh, by widow I mean the woman who was married to the professor, I mean the black woman.
Dr. Caldecon: I was his wife, I was married to the professor for 12 years.
Frank Gannon: Oh ok I see hippies? Now Mrs. Atkins-
Dr. Caldecon: Dr. Caldecon!
Frank Gannon: No I mean you, Mrs. Atkins.
Dr. Caldecon: No my name is Dr. Caldecon.
Frank Gannon: Woah, woah, hold on a minute here. I thought you said you were married to this Atkins guy.
Dr. Caldecon: I was I just didnt take his name.
Frank Gannon: I see, because hes black?
Dr. Caldecon: No! Are you an idiot?
Frank Gannon: Lets calm down Mrs. Cal-
Dr. Caldecon: Dr. Caldecon!
Frank Gannon: Hold on a minute now honey, you mean youre a doctor?
Dr. Caldecon: Yes.
Frank Gannon: Oh I see midwife?
Professor Halloway: Dr. Caldecon is one of the finest orthopedic surgeons in this country.
Frank Gannon: Oh now who are you?
Professor Halloway: I am professor Halloway.
Frank Gannon: Oh I see, now Im supposed to believe theres two black professors?
Professor Halloway: Amanda, Im sorry, Ive done all I can. [walks off set]
Frank Gannon: Alright Dr. Caldecon, let me see if I have this correct. He broke into the house, he startled you, you shot him.
Dr. Caldecon: He lived here!
Frank Gannon: Why would he break into his own house?
Dr. Caldecon: He didnt break in!
Frank Gannon: Then why did you shoot him?
Dr. Caldecon: I didnt shoot him!
Frank Gannon: Alright, alright, calm down now. I gotta have you calm before we go any further here on this.
Dr. Caldecon: I didnt shoot him.
Announcer: [as music plays, shows office door with sign that reads Yes, were open of Martin Luther Kings birthday] And now a scene from next weeks episode of Frank Gannon PI PI, Politically Incorrect Private Investigator.
[goes to scene with Gannon and two women sitting with a young boy]
Frank Gannon: Alright let me see if I got this correct now. You both adopted little Jason here?
Mother #1: Thats right.
Mother #2: Were Jasons legal parents.
Frank Gannon: So youre the mother and youre the mother? [pointing to both women]
Mother #2: Thats right.
Mother #1: Yes.
Frank Gannon: Ok but Im still gonna have to talk to Jasons two fathers.
Announcer: Next week on Frank Gannon PI PI.
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg
Frank & Nancy
Frank & Nancy
Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks
Aide…..Kevin Nealon
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following segment is a dramatization based on rumor and innuendo that are a lot of fun to think about.”
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior White House, October 12th, 1987, Nancy Reagan’s bedroom ]
Aide: [ enters bedroom ] The President’s almost for his speech, Mr. Reagan. Will you be going downstairs?
Nancy Reagan: Uh.. in a.. in a few minutes. Thank you.
Aide: Great. [ Chinese Delivery Boy enters ] Excuse me.
Frank Sinatra: [ in disguise ] Chinee Food Derivery.
Nancy Reagan: That’s okay! I ordered it!
Aide: Very well.
Frank Sinatra: [ quickly removes his disguise ] Let’s swing, baby! [ they start making out ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh, you’re good! Hey, where’d you get the costume?
Frank Sinatra: It’s the Real McCoy, baby! I got it off a delivery boy.
Nancy Reagan: Really? And what’s he wearing?
Frank Sinatra: Wings! [ laughs ] And, look – I got some Mooshu Pork out of it. I figured, after we shtup, we can have some Chink food!
Nancy Reagan: You think of everything! [ they make out some more ]
[ a knock at the door – Nancy gasps, as Frank hides ]
Aide: [ enters ] Sorry, Mrs. Reagan, but we’re about to start.
Nancy Reagan: That’s okay. I’ll be fine up here.
Aide: Alrigt, Ma’am.. good enough. [ notices Frank standing stiff ]
Frank Sinatra: Move on, buddy, I’m a coat rack!
[ Aide exits ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh, Frank, you were wonderful!
Frank Sinatra: You’re playing with an old pro, baby. I’ve made it with every First Lady since Elenour Roosevelt!
Nancy Reagan: Oh, no, Frank.. Frank, I don’t want to hear it..
Frank Sinatra: You know, I once did Pat Nixon in an airplane john.
Nancy Reagan: Ohh.. tell me I’m the best, Frank! Tell me I’m the best!
Frank Sinatra: You got the best rack. But a guy could eat off Bess Truman’s ass.
Nancy Reagan: [ inches towards the bed ] Come here, greaseball.. and make me pay!
Frank Sinatra: You can count on it!
[ they start to make out, but Nancy turns on the TV to hear Ronald’s speech ]
Ronald Reagan: [ on TV ] Good evening, my fellow Americans..
Nancy Reagan: Oh, good.. he’s started his speech. I love to watch him on TV – it gets me so hot! It’s like he’s watching me!
Frank Sinatra: I like it, too!
Ronald Reagan: “..great success. Our recent sale of arms to our friends the Iraqis will provide a boost to the economy, as well as protecting our interests abroad. Furthermore, I’ve spoken with the Savings & Loan officials, and I’m convinced that these fellows don’t need government regulations getting in the way of Free Enterprise. Now, before I go into my plan to help the Contras, I’d like to tell you about the man I’ve chosen to skipper a very important oil tanker – Captain Jospeh Hazelwood..”
Nancy Reagan: Oh, yes!!
Frank Sinatra: Start spreadin’ the news!
Nancy Reagan: O-o-o-ohhhhh!! Bring it home, baby!!
Ronald Reagan: ..”in my six years in this office..” [ plasters of the ceiling fall onto him, as he looks up curiously ] That’s just Frank and Nancy going at it. Where was I? Oh, yes.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!