For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
April 20th, 1991
Steven Seagal
Michael Bolton
None
Michael Bolton, “Love is a Wonderful Thing”
Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.
(Repeat) See: 10/20/90.
Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.
Recurring Characters: Nat X, Andrew “Dice” Clay.
Hoping nude operas exist.
Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.
Neck-loving screeching thing.
Musicians For Free-Range Chickens
Casey Kasem…..Dana Carvey
Rick Dees…..Rob Schneider
Whoopi Goldberg…..Chris Rock
…..Michael Bolton
Lenny Kravitz…..Tim Meadows
Kenny Rogers….Phil Hartman
Diana Ross…..Jan Hooks
Carnie Wilson…..Chris Farley
Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers
Axl Rose…..Adam Sandler
Cyndi Lauper…..Victoria Jackson
Tom Petty…..David Spade
Bob Dylan…..Dana Carvey
Casey Kasem: Hello, I’m Casey Kasem. You know, tonight in the #1 spot, a song for a good cause. A cause most people don’t even think about. It all began when TV and radio personality, Rick Dees, and retro-psychadelic singer, Lenny Kravitz, walked into a famous L.A. bistro. They ordered a Caeser salad. But the famous chef told the hungry duo he couldn’t prepare a Caeser salad because the raw eggs so vital to the dressing were not from free-range chickens. Rick Dees flew into a rage, saying, “Chickens are like you and me, except they’re chickens.” He and Kravitz called recent Oscar winner, Whoopi Goldberg. She said, “Listen, my man, we got to do something.. something for the millions of chickens all over the country who live in tiny, overcrowded pens.” Together, they gathered some of the biggest names in the music business. The result, you’re about to see. The title is simple: “Musicians For Free-Range Chickens”.
[ cut to recording studio ]
Rick Dees: Okay, everybody.. let’s do it!
Whoopi Goldberg: Yea-eah!
[ music starts ]
Michael Bolton:
“We’ve turned our backs too long
We see that something’s wrong.”
Michael Bolton & Lenny Kravitz:
“There needs to be some changes made.”
Kenny Rogers:
“Now, we just can’t ignore
The wrongs we’ve done before!”
Kenny Rogers & Diana Ross:
“To you, and every egg you made!”
Carnie Wilson:
“You start inside a shell
You never knew the hell.”
Mick Jagger:
“That was waiting here for you.”
Michael Bolton:
“Now we understand..”
Axl Rose & Lenny Kravitz:
“..you need a helping ha-and!”
Cyndi Lauper:
“So, let us make it clear to you-ou!”
Chorus:
“Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”
Michael Bolton:
“Mister Farmer, take that feed
To the chicken’s throa-oat.”
Axl Rose:
“To the chicken’s throa-oat!”
Lenny Kravitz:
“Let’s build a world
where cages don’t exist.”
Diana Ross:
“Tell the children
To tell the world
To tell the chickens that we are on our way!
So, everybody
I want you to put your hands up like this!
Bring ’em up like this!
I love you! Don’t touch me, I love you!”
Chorus:
“Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”
Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”
Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”
Michael Bolton:
“Let the chickens be-e-e-e-e-e..!”
[ zoom out to fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
February 9th, 1991
Kevin Bacon
INXS
None
Tom Davis
Conan O’Brien
Desert Storm Press BriefingRecurring Characters: Dick Cheney.
Transcript
Montage
Kevin Bacon’s MonologueTranscript
No Execu-John AdTranscript
The RichmeisterRecurring Characters: Richard Laymer, Sandy, Steve, Tom, Randy.
The Dark Side with Nat XRecurring Characters: Nat X, Sandman, Colin Powell.
Transcript
The Sarcastic Clapping Family Of SouthhamptonTranscript
Deep Thoughts by Jack HandeySummary: Jack Handey outlines a fun way to trick a kid.
Transcript
INXS performs “Bitter Tears”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript
Roommate Specifics
Deep Thoughts by Jack HandeySummary: Jack Handey reflects upon biting into what is not a nectarine.
Transcript
Bomb Messages
SoundStage
INXS performs “Suicide Blonde”
Daily AffirmationRecurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.
Cleaning My RifleTranscript
GoodnightsTranscript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
No Execu-John Ad
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Normally at this time in the program, we at SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE broadcast a send-up or spoof of a television commercial. However, due to the current situation in the Gulf, we feel it would be inappropriate to air tonight’s segment. Therefore, “EXECU-JOHN, the Briefcase you can poop in,” will not be seen tonight. We hope you understand our position and still enjoy the program.”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton
Jeffrey…..Phil Hartman
Cosima…..Jan Hooks
Colin…..Kevin Bacon
Blake…..Mike Myers
Meg…..Victoria Jackson
Chris…..Chris Farley
[ open on interior, family library, as members of the Sarcastic Clapping Family enter and sit ]
Jeffrey: Now that we’re all here, I’d just like to say one thing: I know that some of you would like to challenge Father’s will! After all, Meg and I did to rather well.. and maybe Blake and Cosima think that’s unfair! Of course, I certainly respect your right to do whatever you feel you have to do – but! For God’s sakes.. before we start getting lawyers in here, and fighting each other like greedy rats! Let’s remember one thing: we’re a family, dammit! A family!! Because there’s a lot more at stake here than mere dollars and cents! There’s the memory of a man we all loved. The man we called.. “Father”.
[ Cosima claps sarcastically ]
Cosima: Quite a performance, Jeffrey. Oh.. quite a performance, indeed. Considering the fact that you.. hated Father! No, no, no – don’t act so shocked, Jeffrey. We all know that you were just waiting for Father to die, so you could get oyur filthy hands on all his money..!! [ sobs ]
[ Colin claps sarcastically ]
Colin: Nice speech, Cosima. Very nice. Considering you hadn’t seen Father in almost two years!
[ Blake claps sarcastically ]
Blake: Nice cutting observation, Colin.
[ Meg claps sarcastically ]
Meg: Nice sentence, Blake.
[ Chris claps sarcastically ]
Chris: Nice clapping, Meg!
[ Jeffrey claps sarcastically ]
Jeffrey: Nice.
[ they all clap sarcastically ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: And now, a scene from the next episode of.. “The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton”.
[ dissolve to Blake and Cosima sitting around their proud Little Girl ]
Little Girl: Mommy! Daddy! Look at my picture!
[ Blake and Cosima clap sarcastically ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: Next week, on.. “The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton”.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
One thing kids like is to be tricked.
For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland,
but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
“Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.”
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down,
he thought it was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
As I bit into the nectarine,
it had a crisp juiciness about it
that was very pleasurable —
until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all,
but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
Goodnights
…..Kevin Bacon
Kevin Bacon: Thank you! Thanks to the cast and crew. Thanks to the audience. Thank you to INXS! Happy birthday, Hilda! Thanks a lot, I appreciate it! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
Desert Storm Press Briefing
Defense Secretary Richard Cheney…..Phil Hartman
Lt. Col. William Pierson…..Kevin Nealon
Reporter #1…..Mike Myers
Reporter #2…..Dana Carvey
Reporter #3…..Julia Sweeney
Reporter #4…..Tom Davis
Reporter #5…..Jan Hooks
Reporter #6…..Conan O’Brien
Reporter #7…..Tim Meadows
Reporter #8…..Adam Sandler
Reporter #9…..Chris Farley
[ open on press conference discussing the Gulf War ]
Defense Secretary Richard Cheney: And so, to sum up, while this war is by no means over, it is certainly fair to say that we have inflicted heavy damage on the Iraqi war machine, and every day brings victory for the coalition that much colser. Now I’m going to hand the floor over to the Lieutenant Colonel Pierson, who will field your questions.
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Thank you Senator Cheney. I’m happy to take any questions you might have with the understanding that there are certain sensitive areas that I’m just not going to get into. Particularly, information that might be useful to the enemy. Yes?
Reporter #1: What date are we going to start the ground attack?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Well, as I mentioned a moment ago, there are certain sensitive areas which we are just not going to go into, and that is certainly one of them. Yes?
Reporter #2: Sir, knowing what you know, where would you say our forces are most vulnerable to attack, and how could the Iraqis best exploit those weaknesses?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Well, again, this falls into the area of information that might be useful to the enemy, and I just can’t divulge it right now.
Reporter #3: Sir! Which method of hiding SCUD missiles is working best for the Iraqis?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Now, this again is a good example of information that could help the enemy, and I just can’t answer that.
Reporter #4: I have a two-part question. Are we planning an amphibious invasion of Kuwait, and if so, where exactly will that be?
Defense Secretary Richard Cheney: Excuse me. If I could interrupt here, I just want to underscore what Colonely Pierson said at the start of Q&A. There are two general categories of questions that we are simply not going to be able to address. On, those that would give our enemy advance warning of our actions, and two, those that would identify any points of weakness or vulnerabilities to the Iraqi forces. So let’s reopen the floor to questions.
Reporter #5: I understand that there are passwords that our troops use on the front lines. Could you give us some examples of those?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: No, that is something I really cannot comment on.
Reporter #6: Yeah! Are we planning an amphibious invasion of Kuwait? And if so, where?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: I believe that question was asked and if you recall, I already answered it, or said I could not answer.
Reporter #7: Sir, what woul dbe the one piece of information that would be most dangerous for the Iraqis to know?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: No can answer! I have time for two more questions. Yeah?
Reporter #8: Yes, Farud Hashami, Baghdad Times. Where are your troops, and can I go there and count them?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Nope! Last question.
Reporter #9: Is there anything that you can tell us that would lower the morale of our fighting men?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: No. Really, the only thing we’re at liberty to say at this time is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12
Kevin Bacon’s Monologue
…..Kevin Bacon
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Kevin Bacon!
Kevin Bacon: It really is great to bere – I gotta say, I’m a little nervous.. In fact, uh.. right now, I’m about as nervous as I’ve ever been. My heart, it’s going a mile a minute, but, you know, this is where my years of training comes in, because, as an actor, I’ve learned to control the instrument that is my body. Right now, my pulse right is at, uh.. [ feels neck ] ..it’s about 120. See, that’s nervous. So, uh.. right now, I’m just gonna bring it down.. [ pinches neck ] There we go.. gradually.. okay, we’re at 118.. 116.. yeah, here we go.. 110.. 98.. Okay.. okay.. right now, I’m at 90, which is just about perfect. So, you see what I mean, this is the kind of thing that today’s actors are trained to do. Not to take anything away from the great actors of an earlier generation – your Marlon Brandos and Dustin Hoffmans – but medical science has really come a long way in the last few years. [ licks lips ] Now.. yeah. See, as I’ve been talking to you, I’ve noticed that my mouth has gotten a little dry. So, what I’ve been doing is signalling my submaxial area glands to, uh.. produce more saliva.. [ waits ] Yeah, there we go! Mmm-hmm. Okay. Perfect. Not too wet, not too dry. So I think I’m in good shape now – pulse, 90; mouth, covered; palm.. [ feels ] ..a little sweaty, but no big deal. I’ve still got my autotomic nervous system shut down, to cover my subvasive glands.. [ presses arm, waits ] There, there we go. Now I’m ready. So, stick around.. [ pause ] Oh, no.. Oh, boy, this isn’t good. You know, I’ve been so preoccupied with my other glands, I’ plain forgot about my bladder. Well, what’s done is done, I guess. Live and learn, right? Anyway, we’ve got a great show tonight. INXS is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back.