Category: 1990

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 16: Episode 12

90l: Kevin Bacon / INXS

The Dark Side With Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
Colin Powell…..Tim Meadows
Sandman…..Chris Farley
Vanilla Ice…..Kevin Bacon

Announcer: Live, from Compton. BET – that’s Black Entertainment Television – presents “The Dark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for the brothers! Now get ready for a man so black, lightning bugs follow him in the daytime – step back, ’cause here comes Nat!

Nat X: Peace, borthers and sisters! I’m Nat X, and welcome to “The Dark Side”, the only fifteen-minute show on TV. Why only fifteen? ‘Cause the Man would never give me an hour! Oh, the Man will give “Lame Ass” Rick Dees an hour, or the Man will give Bob Hope, a man so old he used to own slaves, an hour, vut he can only take me for fifteen minutes! I think we all know who the Man is I’m talking about. I’m talking about the same man that calls a black cat bad luck, and a white cat pussy. I’m talking about the same man that teaches us if you squeeze hard into a black piece of coal long enough, you can turn it into a white diamond! Which goes to show, if you put enough pressure on any brother, you can tuen him into Bryant Gumbel!

Alright now, it’s time for the Top 5. Why 5? ‘Cause 10 would make the Man nervous. Tonight’s the Top 5 Reasons Brothers don’t play hockey. Reason #5: It’s cold out there; Reason #4: They scared to get their gold tooth knocked out; Reason #3: Don’t want to be around white guys with sticks; Reason #2: Don’t want to be around a white guy with a mask; and the #1 Reason Black Guys Don’t Play Hockey: Don’t feel the need to dominate yet another sport. And that’s the Top 5 – that’s all I could get from Whitey at this time. Alright, my first guest.. [ siren blares, camera zooms in on Nat ] Uh-oh, what’s that? What’s that?! It’s a White-Man Cam! It’s a White-Man Cam! [ image of prison bars appear onscreen over Nat ] Get me outta here! Get me outta here! Set me free! White-Man Cam! [ back to normal ] Lord! Boy, I haven’t had that much fun since I saw Aunt Esther mud-wrestle Grady on “The Gong Show”!

Now, before I bringout my first guest, I just want to say that February is Black History Month. Isn’t that nice? The Man gives us February because it’s the shortest month of the year! Now, I’m not complaining, but I think we deserve at least a thirty-day month. It’s also the coldest month of the year, just in case we wanted to have a parade. Now, my first guest tonight is known to most of you at home as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Please welcome Colin Powell. [ Cowell walks out to “War”, saluting as Nat raises his fist ] Now, Brother Powell, could you tell the people at home exactly what you do?

Colin Powell: Well, Mr. X, as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, I’m in charge of all the Armed Forces.

Nat X: Alright, let me get this straight, let me get this straight. You control the black troops?

Colin Powell: No. No, I’m in charge of all the troops, regardless of color.

Nat X: Okay, that’s nice. I know the white man’s got you up front, but who’s the real boss?

Colin Powell: Now, I report directly to the Commander-in-Chief – the President of the United States.

Nat X: Ah-hah! I think I hear it! I hear them troops coming through now! I hear them coming! Alright, now when you report to the President in his White House, does he make you bring him coffee?

Colin Powell: [ pause ] That information is Top Secret Mr. X.

Nat X: Just as I thought! Did you ever think that Bush gave you the job, just in case he blew up the world, he could blame it on a black man?

Colin Powell: Look, Mr. X, I think it would be in your best interest to change yourl ine of questioning!

Nat X: [ put off ] Now, what kind of Brother are you! You think just because you got that uniform on, you’re not black? Well, I’ll you one thing – you make the wrong move, the white man will hang you faster than a Christmas light on the day after Thanksgiving! Sandman, get him out of here! [ Sandman sweeps his broom across the floor, as Powell exits the stage ] If you were a real Brother, you would take that Army to South Africa! Now, a lot of people call my next guest the Elvis of Rap, because they like the way he looks and dances. I call Vanilla Ice Elvis because I wish he was dead! Please welcome Vanilla Ice. [ Vanilla Ice enters, dancing to “Ice Ice Baby” ] Sit your white ass down! [ Vanilla Ice sits ] Now, Vanilla, I don’t mean to be so hard on you, but let’s just say I heard a few things!

Vanilla Ice: Yo, man! You know, I could understand why a lot of peopel don’t think I’m a real rapper. But I think it’s just ’cause a lot of people are jealous about all the records I sell. I just want to say to them: Ice is gonna be aroun for a while. Word to your mother!

Nat X: [ pause ] Now, there’s a big controversy about your bio. Could you tell the people out here exactly where you’re from?

Vanilla Ice: I’m from the streets, man! If it weren’t for rap, I’d probably be in jail, or dead. Word to your mother!

Nat X: [ fuming ] So you’re saying you’re from the streets?

Vanilla Ice: Word to your mother!

Nat X: What street? “Sesame Street”? Now, Cracker Boy, I was watching your video the other day, and I was wondering: How’d they do it?

Vanilla Ice: How’d they do what?

Nat X: How could they make it look like you could dance? I mean, did they something with the camera? Or did they get a black body double? Or did they feed you chitlins? I mean, what goes on?

Vanilla Ice: No, man, no! That was me dancing, man! I do all my own steps! Word to your mother!

Nat X: So you really think you can dance, huh? Man, you can’t dance! Sandman, give me some music so I can show this pale boy what dancing really is! [ Nat stands, and begins to hip-hop to Sly & The Family Stone ] Colin Powell! Come and join me! [ Colin Powell joins in ] Now, I guess I showed that boy what dancing is! I gotta end the show right now, so the Man can have his newscast. But tune in next week, when my guests will be Al Sharpton and the guy who stabbed him. Stay strong, Brothers!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 12

90l: Kevin Bacon / INXS

Cleaning My Rifle

Soldier…..Kevin Bacon

[ open on Desert Storm soldier sitting on rear of humvee, cleaning his rifle ]

Soldier: [ singing ]
“The boys were hanging around the camp that night
wondering what tomorrow will bring.
A banjo chord came through the blue
and I heard somebody say.

A little bit lonesome, a little bit blue.
Cleaning my rifle, and dreaming of you.

Beautiful memories come into view
While cleaning my rifle, and dreaming of you.

That goodbye kiss you left on my lips is still just like new.
And the dream you left in my heart will someday coem true

But in the meantime, think of me, do.
Cleaning my rifle, and dreaming of you-ou-ou-ou.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 12

90l: Kevin Bacon / INXS

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown

Music Intro: “I Can See For Miles And Miles”, The Who

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Defense Secretary Dick Cheney, and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Colin Powell have just returned from their trip to the Gulf. And a few minutes ago, they held a press conference. The word is that Powell is really pumped up and ready to go. Let’s watch.
[ Colin Powell ]

Although troop rotation plans are not yet official, the Pentagon announced that General Norman Schwartzkoff will be replaced this month by NBC weatherman Willard Scott.

Dennis Miller: You know, I don’t get it – why do we even consider a ground war? I mean, why don’t we just bomb them for the next few years? I mean, the air war is like sanctions with a bad attitude!

The Iraqis finally conceded this week that their air force had a trouble getting off the ground, blaming it on the fact that there just wasn’t enough breeze.

Last Saturday, February 2nd, was Ground War Day. Saddam Hussein came out of his underground bunker and saw his shadow, meaning there will probably be six more weeks of Iraqis getting stomped on.

President Bush, last week, accepted a trophy from the Reserved Officers Association, as he was named Minuteman of the year. A frustrated Mrs. Bush could not be reached for comment.

In yet another effort to clean up New York City, Mayor Dinkins announced this week that he is urging the City Council to pass legislation that would require alternate side of the street urinating.

Dennis Miller: Once again, it is my pleasure to introduce one of the greatest pontificators of our generation, A. Whitney Brown.

A. Whitney Brown: Well, my friends, the country is at war. And as William Tecumsah Sherman said, “War is Hell.” Actually, war is worse that Hell, because they don’t have CNN in Hell. You know, if Vietnam was the first television war, then this has got to be the first Nintendo war. It’s like a video game. Who in their wildest dreams would ever imagine that Pong would lead to this? But, to me, the real story of this war is George Bush. He has risen to become a brilliant wartime Commander-in-Chief. It’s like he was made for it! What an incredible stroke of luck for this country, that, just when we happen to get in as war, we also happen to have George Bush as President. Twice! And the most ironic thing is, that domestically, he’s a shapeless political jellyfish. You know, it’s almsot too perfect ot be true. Now, I know he said he was gonna be the Education President – he just didn’t say it was Saddam Hussein he was gonna teach a lesson to. It’s a lot of money for one student. But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, our bombs are better educated than the average high school graduate – at least it can find Kuwait. I’m not trying to suggest that the reason we have 25 million illiterates in our country is because bombs got all the education money during the Reagan years. But we do have top be careful, because if we make these bombs any smarter, they may start having second thoughts about war altogether. You know The Big Picture, friends. It’s all right for a President to make promises he doesn’t keep before he’s elected. But when he makes promises after he’s elected, it’s a matter of national honor. And we are an honorable nation. So, as I watch Baghdad being destroyed, it makes me proud to think that, in a few months, Jimmy Carter will be over there rebuilding it. That, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Thank you, buddy. A. Whitney Brown!

Sinead O’Conner, this week, said that she will neither attend nor perform at the February 20th Grammy Awards. When asked to explain her decision, O’Conner said, “Well, I like to be the baldest performer at any function that I attend, and I understand that the Grammy Committee has invited David Lee Roth to be a presenter.. so I’m cancelling, although I will continue to allow them to use my likeness on the Oscars.”

After years of friction and denial, the Road Runner and Coyote were finally married this week. “There’s a fine line between love and hate,” said the Road Runner, “and those traps were just his way of saying ‘Hey, I love you.'”

You know, if Gérard Depardieu is France’s biggest sex symbol, well.. I’m beginning to understand that Jerry Lewis thing just a little more.

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 16th, 1991

Roseanne Barr

Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band

Jon Lovitz

Tom Arnold

Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band, “World Clique”

Mr. Subliminal Gulf War Briefing

Mr. Subliminal (Kevin Nealon) briefs the media on the Gulf War.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

Roseanne Barr’s Monologue

MetroCard

Operator (Barr) and card holder (Phil Hartman) relate a shared experience.

Misery II

Dana Carvey’s biggest fan (Barr) craves more Church Lady.

Recurring Characters: Church Lady.

Sally Jessy Raphael

Recurring Characters: Sally Jessy Raphael.

Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band performs “World Clique”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Iraqi Pete.

It’s Pat

Sue (Barr) meets androgynous co-worker Pat (Julia Sweeney).

Recurring Characters: Pat.

McIntosh Jr.

A Presidents’ Day Remembrance

Happy Fun Ball

Simple children’s toy comes with distressing warnings.

Iraqi Pete

Recurring Characters: Iraqi Pete.

Comedy Killers

Comics compete in categories dealing with tasteless and upsetting comedy topics.

Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band performs “The Power of Love”

Victoria’s Secrets

Victoria Jackson lets audience in on secrets of her lifestyle.

Opposites Attract

White Trash History Minute

Origin of tuna noodle casserole is explored.

SNL Transcripts

Happy Fun Ball

Kid 1…..Jan Hooks
Kid 2…..Dana Carvey
Kid 3…..Mike Myers

[ open on three kids playing with their Happy Fun Ball ]

Kid 1: It’s happy!

Kid 2: It’s fun!

All Three Kids: It’s Happy Fun Ball!

Announcer: Yes, it’s Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that’ssweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today!

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoidprolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture,should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.

Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

• itching
• vertigo
• dizziness
• tingling in extremities
• loss of balance or coordination
• slurred speech
• temporary blindness
• profuse sweating
• or heart palpitations.

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelterand cover head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special containerand kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of HappyFun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, GlobalChemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing green substancewhich fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is beingdropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime warranty.

Announcer: Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes!

Thanks to Tony DuMont for this transcript.

Comedy Killers

Chip Bodecker…..Kevin Nealon
Rick Hurley…..Rob Schneider
Lori Turkin…..Roseanne Barr
Judy Rifkin…..Jan Hooks

Announcer: It’s time for America’s most offensive game show, “Comedy Killers”! And here’s your host, Chip Bodecker.

Chip Bodecker: Welcome to “Comedy Killers”! Alright, now for our new viewers, let’s explain how the game works. In stand-up comedy, a comedy killer is anything – it could be a word, a phrase, a topic – that is so tasteless or upsetting, that, upon hearing it, an audience will simply refuse to laugh, and instantly turn on the performer – hence, a comedy killer. Alright, let’s take a look at the board and our Comedy Killer categories – Cancer, Violence Against Women, The Holocaust, Recent Plane Crashes, The Kennedys, Child Abuse, and Potpourri. And we’ll start off with our returning champion, Rick Hurley.

Rick Hurley: Chip, I’ll take Cancer for $100.

Chip Bodecker: Alright. “A certain part of the body is usually a sure laugh, but not when afflicted with this.” [ Lori buzzes in ] Lori?

Lori Turkin: Uh.. what is Rectal Cancer?

Chip Bodecker: Good! Good! Rectal! Usually a big laugh-getter, rectal cancer. A real comedy killer. As in, “I hope you get rectal cancer.” Alright, okay, Lori, you’ve got the board.

Lori Turkin: Okay, I’ll take Child Abuse for $200.

Chip Bodecker: Alright. “Texas and Florida lead the nation in this comedy killer.” [ Judy buzzes in ] Judy?

Judy Rifkin: What are children trapped in wells?

Chip Bodecker: Yes! Children trapped in wells. No audience will laugh at that. Okay, let’s talk to our three stand-ups right now. You all know rick Hurley, our champion from Milwaukee.

Rick Hurley: That’s right, Chip. I work out of the Comedy Cellar there.

Chip Bodecker: Alrighty. And our challengers.. Judy Rifkin, you’re from..

Judy Rifkin: Yeah, uh.. I work the Laugh Barn in Boston.

Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And I understand you have quite a comedy killer story for us?

Judy Rifkin: Yeah! [ laughs ] Well, I was working the Laugh Inn at Spokane, and I did a long hunk in my act about the Ronald McDonald house. I mean, you know the home for, uh..

Chip Bodecker: Right, right, very sick children.

Judy Rifkin: Very sick children. And, uh, evidently it turns out that it’s a really good cause that a lot of people feel very, very strongly about, including the manager of the club, whose son –

Chip Bodecker: Okay, say no more. Let’s move on before we grind the show to a complete halt.

Judy Rifkin: Right.

Chip Bodecker: Okay. Lori Turkin, you are from?

Lori Turkin: Oh, Chip, I work out of San Diego at the Mike N’ Stool.

Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And I understand you have a doozy of a comedy killer story for us?

Lori Turkin: Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I’m pretty big down there in San Diego and everything. So, this one time, they asked me to come and sing the National Anthem at a Padres game?

Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh?

Lori Turkin: Anyway, I thought it would be sort of funny to do a wise guy rendition of it, you know?

Chip Bodecker: Uh-huh. And, did the audience like it?

Lori Turkin: No. No, they hated it.

Chip Bodecker: Did they laugh?

Lori Turkin: Oh, no. They just hated it.

Chip Bodecker: So, the National Anthem is a real comedy killer?

Lori Turkin: Well, in my experience, I’d have to say yes.

Chip Bodecker: Okay, let’s get back to the game. Judy, you have the board.

Judy Rifkin: Okay, let’s try The Kennedys for $100.

Chip Bodecker: Alright. “The only Kennedy you can safely make fun of.” [ Rick beats Judy to the buzz ] Rick, you were first.

Rick Hurley: Who is Ted Kennedy?

Chip Bodecker: Yes! Yes! Ted Kennedy! Ted Kennedy. Not a respected figure.

Rick Hurley: Alright, let’s try Recent Plane Crashes for $200.

Chip Bodecker: “Assad of Syria, our new friend, assisted terrorists responsilbe for this crash.” [ Judy buzzes in ] Judy.

Judy Rifkin: What is Pan Am Flight 103?

Chip Bodecker: Yes, yes. He financed the bombimg, and now he’s our ally against Iraq. Our new friend. Judy?

Judy Rifkin: Uh.. I guess I’ll take Potpourri for $300, huh?

Chip Bodecker: “A comedy killer in America, in Sweden the subject of a popular sitcom.” [ Lori buzzes in ] Lori?

Lori Turkin: Uh.. what is Abortion?

Chip Bodecker: Yes! Abortion! Lori.

Lori Turkin: Okay, Potpourri for $400.

Chip Bodecker: Lightning Round! Okay, Lori, you know how it works – I name the audience, you give me the comedy killer.

Lori Turkin: I’m ready!

Chip Bodecker: Okay. Chicago Bears Boosters Club.

Lori Turkin: Brian Piccolo!

Chip Bodecker: Pediatric Nursing Association?

Lori Turkin: Uh.. crack babies!

Chip Bodecker: Alright, you’re on a roll. Republican National Convention.

Lori Turkin: [ thinking desperately ] Oh oh oh oh oh oh – John Hinckley!

Chip Bodecker: Yes! Democratic National Convention.

Lori Turkin: [ thinking ] Um um um.. ohhhh.. uh, one of the Kennedys.

[ wrong answer ]

Chip Bodecker: Oh, sorry! The answer is.. Michael Dukakis. Michael Dukakis. We also would have accepted Walter Mondale. [ music pots up ] Oh, that’s the end of Round 2, and now it’s time for Final Comedy Killer. Stand-ups, you have ten seconds. The Final Comedy Killer answer is: “This is the greatest comedy killer of all time.” [ Final Comedy Killer theme plays, as stand-ups come up with their answers ] Okay. Rick, you scatched out “Martin Luther King”, and put down “Birth Defects”. A better choice, but wrong. And you wagered? Oh, $100. Sorry, Rick, that leaves you with zip.

Rick Hurley: I just want to say that, to me, there’s nothing sadder than birth defects. And I’ll be appearing at hte Laughateria in Cleveland next week – two shows!

Chip Bodecker: Alright. Judy, you’re in second place, you said, “Space Shuttle Challenger”. Ooh.. real comedy killer. But that’s wrong. And you wagered $100.. so you have $300. [ moving on ] Okay. Lori, you’re in the lead. For the all-time comedy killer, you wrote, “The National Anthem”. No. I don’t blame you one bit, but remember, we’re looking for the greatest comedy killer of all time. Alright, the all-time comedy killer.. is the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Yes. It happened in 1914, it started World War I. Absolute comedy death for years and years. The mention of of it would quiet any crowd. And, Lori, you wagered $100. Leaving you $700! And you are our new champion! Yes! Alright! Well, that’s all for today, we’ll see you next time on “Comedy Killers”! And, remember, until then, anything could be unfunny. But it takes something really unfunny to be a comedy killer. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

MetroCard

Representative…..Phil Hartman
Customer…..Roseanne Barr

Customer: It was raining pretty hard when I got into Cincinnati. It was a long flight, and I was in the taxi when I noticed I lost my credit card. It was pretty late, and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when the manager of the hotel suggested I call the MetroCard 24-hour help line. Because I wouldn’t be talking to a recording. I’d be in touch with a real person. [ smiles ]

[ show MetroCard: “Real problems, real people” ]

Representative: Okay, so I’m sitting here at, like, 3:00 in the morning, I haven’t had a break in two hours! And the phone rings, and there’s some guy on the other end with this big hard-luck story, you know? And I’m listening, he goes on about Cincinnati, and the airport, and the rain and the taxi cab.. and he just won’t get to the point, you know? So I ask him, “What do you want me to do about it? Bust out crying?” Like I’ve got nothing better to do than listen to him bitch!

Customer: She got right to the point, and wanted to know what she could do about it. So I told her I’d need another card as soon as possible, since I’d be taking clients out the next day.

Representative: Now, this is the part that gets me! Okay, he’s telling me how he needs a new card when he gets up in the morning! You know, like he called the Credit Card Fairy, or something! Like I’ve got some magic wand, and all I’ve got to do is wave it around and fix everything for him! So I’m thinking about, so I ask him, “Hey, if I’ve got that kind of power over time and space, what the hell am I doing here talking to a loser like you at three in the morning!” Of course, he doesn’t have an answer for that!

Customer: I didn’t have the information she needed. So I deicded I’d call back.

Representative: So he hangs up! And I’m sitting there, and the phone rings, and I pick it up and say “Hello?” You know? And then there’s a pause, and then a dial tone. So, almost immediately, the phone rings again, and I pick it up and say, “Hell-o-o-o-o??” And so there’s this really long pause there this time, and this fake, really phone, English accent: “I lost my card at the airport.” You know? And I say, “I know who you are!” And then he gets really mad and tells me I’m supposed to help him! You know, like I’mhis Mom, or something. So I say, “Why don’t you call home and have somebody wire you the money? Or call your company and tell them the problem? Or, better yet, why don’t you take a personal check out of your checkbook, roll it up real tight, and then cram it!“

Customer: She gave me several options. And, well, verything worked out okay.

Representative: Oh, you know, I get a lot of calls from people who want to raise their credit limit.. But, of coure, you know, the only people calling up at 3 a.m. are usually deadbeats, and there’s nothing you can do for ’em, you know? But once in a while you get that call from someone who really needs your help, and you tell ’em what to do, and they hang up and they leave you aone, and that’s when you feel real good!

[ show MetroCard: “Real problems, real people” ]

Announcer: MetroCard. Because real problems have real people.

SNL Transcripts

Misery II

…..Dana Carvey
…..Jon Lovitz
Annie…..Roseanne Barr
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on exterior, Rocky mountain Celebrity Theatre ]

[ dissolve to interior, Dana Carvey performing on stage ]

Dana Carvey: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, Colorado! Thank you very much, you’re too kind! You know, you’ve been a great audience, and I just want to say that tonight’s show was kind of.. special.. because it was.. the last time I will ever do the Church Lady. After tonight, she’s dead. [ audience awws ] No, that’s very kind.. no, it’s about time to put the little lady to bed. I just want you all to know that.. you were the last to see her. Good night, Colorado, I love you! Thank you very much, good night!

[ dissolve to Dana Carvey driving back after his performance, camera zooms out to reveal Jon Lovitz as his passenger ]

[ Music Over: “Shotgun” ]

Jon Lovitz: Hey, Dana, are you really gonna retire the Church Lady?

Dana Carvey: Yeah.. yeah, I am.

Jon Lovitz: [ thinking ] Can I do it?

[ suddenly, they both scream, as Dana lose control of the car and it flies over an embankment into the snow ]

[ show figure retrieving Dana from the snow ]

[ dissolve to close-up of Annie’s face, looking at Dana from above as he comes to ]

Annie: Mr. Carveyyy.. Mr. Carveyyy…

[ SUPER: “Misery II” ]

Annie: Are you waking up?

Dana Carvey: ..Where am I..?

Annie: You had a terrible accident, but you’re going to be alright.

Dana Carvey: Who.. who are you?

Annie: I’m your #1 fan. I pulled oyu out of your car. I left Mr. Lovitz.. I thought it would be best. [ Dana squirms ] Oh, no.. don’t try to move, Mr. Carvey. your legs are banged up pretty darn bad.

[ Annie pulls blanket back to reveal Dana’s scraggled legs twisted in all directions ]

Dana Carvey: [ screams in agony and pain ]

Annie: You’d better eat something, Dana. It’s okay if I call you “Dana”, isn’t it?

Dana Carvey: Uh.. sure.. you saved my life..

Annie: And! I’m your #1 fan. Gosh, I just can’t believe I have the Church Lady right here in my house! [ looks at Dana ] You’d better eat some soup, though. It’s yummy. You know what – and tell me if I’m out of line – I would just love to hear you say.. “Isn’t that special?”

Dana Carvey: You know, I-I-I’m not really feeling up to a performance..

Annie: Oh? Even for your #1 fan?! The person who’s feeding you soup?! The person who saved your life?!

Dana Carvey: Okay.. okay.. [ mimics Church Lady ] “Well.. isn’t that special..?”

Annie: Oh! Oh, I just love her! I just love her! I don’t know what I would do if anything ever happened to her, you know?! I swear to God, I think I would just go completely insane!!

Dana Carvey: [ worried ]

Annie: Do that other thing, you know? Do that other thing I like, where you go.. “Who could it be? Could it be..” uh.. you know, you know, you know how it goes.. it goes, “Could it be..”

Dana Carvey: “Could it be, oh, I don’t know..”

Annie: “Satan-atan-atan-atan!” Oh, I love that echo! [ Dana is silent ] Oh, I’m sorry, I did your part. Did I make you fel all ooky? I’m so sorry. I hate myself! I ruin everything.

[ Annie exits room, slams the door in shame ]

[ Dana looks at his mangled legs and cries in pain ]

[ dissolve to cabin exterior, as scene shifts to later in the day ]

[ Annie runs back into the room ]

Annie: Dana? Dana? Oh, I don’t mean to wake you, but.. I went into town, and look what I found! [ holds out items ] A wig and some glasses, just like the Church Lady wears!

Dana Carvey: Annie, are you, uh.. sure the phones aren’t working? You know, I-I-I really should call Lorne in New York, I have a show to do.

Annie: And I also got the review of your show! I’m going to go in the other room and read it, I just can’t wait to see what it says! [ snorts like pig, then exits room; re-enters seconds later with an angry scowl on her face ] How could you?! You killed her! Mr. Man!! [ smacks Dana’s leg with the rolled-up newspaper ] You killed the Church Lady!! You killed her, you murderer!! [ continues to smack Dana’s legs ]

[ dissolve to Lorne Michaels’ office in New York ]

Lorne Michaels: Sheriff.. it’s Lorne Michaels calling from New York. One of my cast members is missing. Dana Carvey. We need him for the opening of the show. Yeah, he does this funny impersonation of President Bush. You know.. “It wouldn’t be prudent.. nah gah dah it!” [ laughs ] People love it!

[ dissolve back to Dana and Annie in the cabin ]

Dana Carvey: [ now forced to dress like the Church Lady ] “Well, isn’t that convenient?”

Annie: [ elated ] Oh, it’s just so great to have the Church Lady back alive again! I just love her so much! I just love her so much! Could you do that tingly-bulbous thing?

Dana Carvey: [ desperately does the tingly-bulbous Church Lady face ]

[ dissolve back to Lorne Michaels’ office in New York ]

Lorne Michaels: Sheriff, Lorne Michaels again. I have an idea for the opening, I want to run it by you. Since we’ve given up on Dana, we have this new thing now, with this guy who says people’s names over and over. Like, he would call you “Sheriff.. the Sheriffster.. the Sheriff-rama.. as in, “he Sheriff-rama, on the phone with the Lorne-meister.” Oh, it’s the new thing, people just love it!

[ dissolve back to Dana and Annie in the cabin ]

Annie: Look what I found, Dana! Some orthopedic shoes – you know, just like the Church Lady wears!

Dana Carvey: No, no, Annie.. whatever you’re thinking of doing.. don’t do it! Please, don’t! [ Annie squeezes the shoes onto Dana’s mangled feet ] Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!!

Annie: Ohh.. well, you’re feet are so swollen, and I just have to kind of.. push them a little bit..

Dana Carvey: Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!!

Annie: Almost done..

Dana Carvey: Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!! [ lunges for Annie, punches her on the back ] Die, bitch, die! Die! Isn’t this special, huh! Isn’t this convenient! Witch!! Agghh!!

[ Annie collapses across Dana’s lap, then rises back to life to attack some more ]

Dana Carvey: [ shoves Church Lady wig into Annie’s mouth ] Eat it! Eat it, Annie!! Do you like that!! Die!! Die!! Die!!

[ Annie collapses across Dana’s lap, then rises back to life to attack some more ]

Dana Carvey:

[ off-camera gunshot downs Annie once and for all; snow-covered Jon Lovitz appears standing in the doorway of the bedroom ]

Dana Carvey: Jon! I.. I thought you were dead.

Jon Lovitz: [ raises arm ] Acting! [ shoots Dana dead, then picks up Church Lady glasses to put on his own face ] “Wellll.. isn’t that special?”

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Victoria’s Secrets

…..Victoria Jackson

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Victoria’s Secrets”.

Victoria Jackson: Good evening. This week, I have three secrets that I’d like to reveal to you.. but please don’t tell anyone.

The first secret is: A lot of people ask me, “Are you as dumb as you appear on the show?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” I never watch the show.

My second secret is: A lot of men ask me, “How do you like it?” And I say, “Like what?” And they say, “You know. Your sex.” And I say, “My sex, like being a woman? Or like, having sex?” And they say, “The second one.” And I say, “I forgot. Which one was the second one?” And they say, “Victoria, don’t do that stupid character.” And I say, “I’m not doing a character.” And they get mad and walk away.

My third secret is: I’m not wearing anything under my bra.. I don’t think. Just skin. And under the skin, just two saline implants. But, sshh! Don’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret. [ blows kiss and winks ]

Announcer: This has been “Victoria’s Secrets”.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 23rd, 1991

Alec Baldwin

Whitney Houston

Arthur Kent

Jon Lovitz

Evander Holyfield

Whitney Houston,”I’m Your Baby Tonight”

The McLaughlin Group

Recurring Characters: John McLaughlin.

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

The Dancer

The Honest Planet

The Sinead O’Connor Awards

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Sinead O’Conner.

Whitney Houston performs “I’m Your Baby Tonight”

Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor

Recurring Characters: Lank Thompson.

Pan Am Ad

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Bob Dylan, Tom Petty.

The Godfather, Part IV

I’m Chillin’

Recurring Characters: Onski, B-Fats.

Whitney Houston performs “All The Man I Need”

Confession Can Be Exciting For The Soul

Cyrano de Bergerac

SNL Transcripts