Category: 1990

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff…..Chris Farley
…..Chris Rock

[ Music Over: “Go Your Own Way”, Fleetwood Mac ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchroperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

President Bush reported that he shed ten pounds in the last three weeks, and hopes to lose another 165 pounds by November 1992.
[ show picture of Bush with Quayle ]

[ over picture of Kissinger next to a U.S. map ]
Henry Kissinger flipped out this week on “The CBS Morning News”, and began revealing the secret location of missile silos in the midwestern United States.

An additional 47 1/2 hours of President Nixon’s Watergate tapes will be made public this summer, said the National Archives this week. If the tapes do well, Nixon may be coming out with a new album in the Fall.

Dennis Miller: This week, General Norman Scwartzkoff got into some hot water, speaking to the West Point cadet corps. He called Pentagon insiders who criticized the Army “military fairies”, a phrase which offended some of the gay and lesbian community. Here to clarify his meaning, is General “Stormin'” Norman Schwartzkoff. Welcome, General!

Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff: Well, thank you, Dennis! Let me say right off that, when I used the term “fairy”, I was speaking colloquially. Where I grw up in New Jersey, the word “fairy” was often substituted for other terms. For instance, on my block, the Staten Island Ferry is called the Statan Island Gay Boy. And, of course, we all believed in the Tooth Faggot! Let’s not let this minor incident diminish the fact that our combined forces kicked some Iraqi butt! Hell, we got the damn thing on video cassette! Those Iraqis are lucky I had an army, ’cause if I didn’t, I would have been forced to go over there myself and personally beat the livin’ tar out of each and every individual who came within my parameter! [ stands ] And I’ll tell you one more thing: I want Holyfield! I want Holyfield! I showed you what these guns can do in the Middle East, now I’m gonna show what they can do in the ring! This summer, Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal: Holyfield/Schwartzkoff!! It’s the War on the Shore! I’m the Whale That Prevails! Vander, you’re going DOWN, Sir! In three! You will take your punishment! [ rips open shirt to reveal “Stormin’ Norman” t-shirt ]

Dennis Miller: General Norman Schwartzkoff, folks. You need one of those spit shields from the salad bar..

Spike Lee and Anthony Quinn posed at the Cannes Film Festival in the south of France this week, where they propsed plans to do a new film together, called “The Nike High Tops of the Fisherman”.

Dennis Miller: In the past few weeks, there’s been speculation that President Bush will drop Vice-President Dan Quayle from the Republican ticket, and replace him with Colin Powell, giving Mr. Powell the chance to become the country’s first black Vice-President. More on this story, from our “Saturday Night Live” news correspondent. Please welcome Chris Rock. Chris?

Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis! Now, as you know, there’s a lot of talk about a black Vice-President, and I want to tell the world that it’s not gonna happen. As long as you live, you wil never see a black Vice-President. You know why? ‘Cause some black guy will just kill the President, that’s why. I would do it. If Colin Powell was Vice-President, I would kill the President, and tlel his mother about it, okay? What would happen? What would they do? What are they gonna do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys who are gonna treat me like a hero for the rest of my life? I would be the biggest star in jail, man! Guys would be coming up to me, I’d be signing autographs: “97-KY, there you go!” Guys would be saying, “Hey, man, you the brother that shot Bush! And you told his mother about it, huh? Yo, I hope my children turn out to be just like you, man! You know, I was getting ready to rape you, until I realized who you were!” And even if they had a death penalty, what would would happen? I would just get pardoned by the black President! So, as you can see, Dennis, it would not be in George Bush’s best interests to place Colin Powell on the ticket. Thanks a lot, Dennis!

Dennis Miller: Chris Rock!

Superbowl champion New York Giant coach, Bill Parcells, is leaving his job as Head Coach of the team. Parcells told the press that he told the guys not to dump Gatorade on him again, they went ahead and did it, so he’s gone

Dennis Miller: Well, this is my last show.. I want to thank all the people I worked with, you couldn’t ask for a nicer group of people. And I want to thank all of you. It’s been my real privilege to work here, and I’ll msis it a lot. Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Actor”

Lank Thompson…..Mike Myers
…..Alec Baldwin
Handsome Testimonial…..Conan O’Brien

Lank Thompson: Hi! My name is Lank Thompson. Perhaps you recognize me. I’ve done everything from soaps to Shakespeare. I can get any part I want. How do I do it? Simple. I’m a Handsome Actor! I haven’talways been a Handsome Actor.. [ laughs handsomely ] I used to be a plain actor. [ holds up plain-looking photo of himself ] Oh, don’t get me wrong.. I was talented.. but I wasn’t handsome. So I developed a technique to help myself and hundreds of other plain actors become Handsome Actors! Perhaps you’ve heard of Robert Wagner.. Patrick Duffy.. and, of ocurs,e David Hasselhoff. They’re all graduates of my course, “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor!” And now, I’d like you to meet one of success stories.

[ Alec Baldwin walks out ]

Alec Baldwin: Hi. I’m Alec Baldwin.. and I’m a Handsome Actor! [ acts handsomely with Lank ]

Lank Thompson: Alec, would you care to demonstrate some of the techniques I’ve taught you?

Alec Baldwin: I’d love to, Lank. [ sits down behind desk ]

Lank Thompson: The first thing to remember, is to begin every scene with your back to the camera.

Alec Baldwin: [ sitting back to the camera, turns around suddenly ] “You can’t fool me, Jessica. I know where you’ve been.”

Lank Thompson: Always wear glasses, so you can snap them off for a handsome effect.

Alec Baldwin: [ now wearing glasses ] “My God!” [ snaps off glasses ] “A meteor that size could destroy the Earth!”

Lank Thompson: [ laughing handsomely ] In any scene where you have to sign documents, never look at what you’re signing!

Alec Baldwin: “Gentlemen, a hostile takeover’s a dirty business..” [ Secretary brings in some papers, which he signs without lifting an eye ] “Anyone who doesn’t have the stomach for it, should get out now!“

Lank Thompson: [ laughing handsomely ] When you’re making a phone call, never dial. Just pick up and start talking!

Alec Baldwin: [ picks up phone and starts talking ] “Senator? Meet me in an hour! There’s someone I think you should meet!”

Lank Thompson: Okay! Let’s incorporate all these techniques, into one scene!

Alec Baldwin: [ back to camera, turns around suddenly, with glasses on ] “You can’t fool me, Jessica.” [ snaps his glasses off ] “I already know there’s a meteor headed for the Earth!” [ Secretary brings in papers, which he signs without looking up ] “But while there’s still time, I think I’d like to see a hostile takeover. Anybody who doesn’t have the stomach for it, should get out now.” [ picks up phone ] “Senator? Send over your limo to pick up Jessica, please.”

Lank Thompson: [ makes handsome gestures with Alec ] Congratulations, Alec! You performed that.. handsomely! [ laughs handsomely ] You know.. all these techniques can be learned from one cassette. “Lank Thomnpson: I’m A Handsome Actor!” Here’show to order!

Announcer: To order “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor”, call 1-800-555-LANK. Remember: don’t dial, just pick up the phone.

Lank Thompson: Alright, we’re back! now it’s time for questions.

Handsome Testimonial: Well, I’ve taken your course on Handsome Acting, and I think it’s wonderful! But how can you explain the success of French actor Gerard Depardeu.

Lank Thompson: [ stumped ] I’d love to answer your question, but.. um.. I’m afraid we’ve run out of time! Thanks for joining us, but.. hey! Get Handsome!

[ fade out, as Lank and Alec make more handsome gestures to one another ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 14

90n: Alec Baldwin / Whitney Houston

The McLaughlin Group

John McLaughlin…..Dana Carvey
Pat Buchanan…..Phil Hartman
Jack Germond…..Chris Farley
Eleanor Clift…..Jan Hooks
Morton Kondracke…..Kevin Nealon

[Fade in. Theme music plays; superimposed title appears, then fades]

John McLaughlin: Issue number 1: high noon. Saddam says “No”, Bush says “Go”. How long will it last? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Well, George Bush is playing hardball here, and I think we could possibly see…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Eleanor Clift.

Eleanor Clift: Well, if I were George Bush…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Jack Germondo.

Jack Germond: Well, Bush is weighing his political clout against…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Issue 2: Gorbachev endorses Bush. Politically-motivated Gorby: friend or foe? Morton Kondracke!

Morton Kondracke: Well, Gorbachev is playing a very interesting…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: I think the Soviets are in very good postion t–

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! On a scale from 14-32, 14 being of absolute metaphysical certitude and 32 being fairly likely, what are the chances of Gorby breaking ranks? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: Wait… 14 to 32?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Mortone!

Morton Kondracke: Uh, 21?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! The correct answer is 19.24. You were close, Mortone. Next issue! The infinite universe: some pundits say no. If not, then what’s at the end? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: Boy, that’s not my area…

John McLaughlin: Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Uh, maybe another dimension…

John McLaughlin: Mortone!

Morton Kondracke: Well, there’s no real way to determine…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! The universe is finite; at the very edge there’s a giant brick wall guarded by a mean dog. Issue number 3: Who was my favorite Beatle? Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: I dunno… uh, John?

John McLaughlin: Eleanor Clift!

Eleanor Clift: Maybe Paul?

John McLaughlin: Mortony-tone!

Morton Kondracke: I say Paul!

John McLaughlin: WRONG! They were all equally fab. [while pulling out inkblot on card] Issue number 4: this inkblot. What does it look like? Eleanorus!

Eleanor Clift: A-a butterfly?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! Mor-tiny-toons-on-tv!

Morton Kondracke: Well, I say it looks kind of like an airplane…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! Jack Ger-mon-do!

Jack Germond: I dunno, 2 scud missiles?

John McLaughlin: WRONG! It’s my mother, stealing my penis! [puts down inkblot in front of him] Next issue! [takes a gold coin out from his right pocket] Which hand is the gold coin in?… [holds it between right thumb and index finger, showing it to the others, then thrusts out his fists in front of him with a sudden flourish] Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Uhhh… the left hand?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ellie-may?

Eleanor Clift: I — I don’t know, left?

John McLaughlin: Mondo-Jacky-germ!

Jack Germond: I’ll say right!

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! [as he opens his empty fists and then removes the coin from his right ear] It’s not in either hand, it’s in my ear! And look, it has chocolate inside; that’s for you, Mortone! [hands the coin over to Kondracke]

Morton Kondracke: [accepting the coin] Thank you, John.

John McLaughlin: I’ve still got the floor!!! Issue number 6: am I regular? Mor-tony-tenille!

Morton Kondracke: Well… (clears throat twice) I don’t really know…

John McLaughlin: WRONG! At-Pay uchanan-Bay!

Pat Buchanan: You know, I’m not especially interested in…

John McLaughlin: WRONG!! It’s all you think about! …Jacky-germ-germ-germ-germy-mon-mon-mon-mony-dough-dough-dough-doughma-dinga-dong-ding, blue moooonnnnn. [singing the last two words]

Jack Germond: What was the question?

John McLaughlin: Am I regular?!

Jack Germond: No.

John McLaughlin: WRONG! [as he picks up a container of Metamucil from the floor and shows it to the audience] I am regular, thanks to Metamucil! Comple-[audience laughter interrupts] Completely natural, and proved by scientists! Metamucil: when you need it, it’s there. Available at TruValue and Walgreens everywhere. [as he puts down the container] Next issue! Issue 7: how do we start the show? Patty-cake!

Pat Buchanan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?”

John McLaughlin: El Clifto!

Eleanor Clift: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?’

John McLaughlin: More-tons-of-fun!

Morton Kondracke: Well, I think it’s “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

John McLaughlin: WRONG!!! The correct answer is: “Show-show-show, here we go!”

[Applause as SNL theme music starts. Scene fades to opening credits sequence.]

Submitted by: jgs

SNL Transcripts

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Whitney Houston
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Arthur Kent
Audience Member…..Conan O’Brien

Alec Baldwin: This is the second time that I’ve been asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, and it’s quite an honor! The last time I was here, I guess the feeling was that things went pretty well. In fact, the show was nominated for an Emmy. So, I suppose I must have done something right!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, no.. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought up the Emmy.. I don’t want to come off as sounding cocky..

Alec Baldwin: Although, I’ve gotta say, anyone would look good working with this cast. They even did a great show with Dennis Hopper!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: Hmm.. maybe putting down Dennis Hopper wasn’t such a good idea, either.. It makes me sound even more cocky..

Alec Baldwin: By the way, I hope that didn’t sound like a putdown! I’m not saying that I’m that great of an actor, either! The last show was probably a fluke!

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I’m not sure that helped.. Maybe I’m just digging a hole I’ll never get out of..

[ cut to Victoria Jackson watching on a monitor backstage ]

Victoria Jackson’s Inner Thoughts: Uh-oh.. I wonder what’s wrong with Alec.. He was so confident last year.. but now, he seems racked with doubt..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: This is already not as good as last year.. I wonder if I can recover..

[ cut to Boom Operator ]

Boom Operator’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if this is my fault.. He was so good last year.. Maybe I’m not very good at my job.. Maybe the Union should hire only the most qualified boom operators, not just relatives..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I was in such a rush today, I.. I wonder.. did I leave the iron on?

Whitney Houston’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if this was the wrong week to do the show.. Maybe I should have waited ’til March 16th, for Michael J. Fox.. He seems so confident..

Jon Lovitz’s Inner Thoughts: Maybe it was a mistake to leave the show.. I mean, look at me.. six months later, I’m still hanging around.. Man, I need to get a life..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I think I forgot to turn on my phone machine.. of course, after this show, maybe that’s for the best..

Arthur Kent’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if I’m really as handsome as Alec Baldwin..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if Dennis Hopper has a TV..

Audience Member’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if I’m facing the right way..

Alec Baldwin’s Inner Thoughts: I wonder if they can tell I’m having a moment of doubt.. And is tonight’s show really any good..

Alec Baldwin: [ snaps out of it ] Anyway.. we’ve got a great show tonight. Whitney Houston is here! And, on a more serious note, all our thoughts are halfway around the world right now, with our troops in the Persian Gulf. But we’re here, so stick around, and we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

Confession Can Be Exciting For The Soul

Connfessor…..Julia Sweeney
Priest…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on interior, Catholic church during confession services ]

Confessor: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one month since..

Priest: Uh.. excuse me.. I hate to interrupt.

Confessor: Oh, I’m sorry. Have I done something wrong?

Priest: Well, the church has asked that we conduct confessions differently now – they’re called reconciliations. The Vatican feels it’s a more personal experience to pull back the screen, so that we can look at each other face-to-face. The option is yours.

Confessor: Well.. okay, if that’s what the Vatican wants..

Priest: Okay. Fair enough. [ pulls back the screen, revealed to be quite handsome for a priest. The confessor is rather taken by his charming good looks. ] Don’t be frightened. This is new for a lot of parishioners. Go ahead and reconcile your sins.

Confessor: So.. you’re the new priest?

Priest: Yes. I’m Father Rod. Rod Forrestor.

Confessor: Um.. I-I’m sorry.. but I just didn’t realzie that you were so.. so..

Priest: Young? [ chuckles ] Some people are afraid that I don’t have enough experience, but, believe me, I do.

Confessor: Oh. Oh, I’m sure you do! [ laughs ] How long have you been a priest?

Priest: Six years.

Confessor: Do you like it?

Priest: Yes. But this time is for you.

Confessor: Oh. Okay.

Priest: Please. Confess.

Confessor: Okay, um.. does my breath smell bad? I had garlic chicken for lunch!

Priest: The breath of any confesor is sweet to the Lord. No, your breath is fine!

Confessor: [ laughs ] Oh, good! Okay. Okay.. what are my sins? I had a bunch when I came in, but now they seem so boring! [ laughs ]

Priest: The Lord finds everything you say fascinating!

Confessor: Oh! Good! Alrighty.. alrighty..

Priest: You seem uncomfortable. Please, relax. We can turn the lights off, if you wish. Or we can do it with the lights on. We can do it out in the pews, if you’d like..

Confessor: Oh, no, here would be just fine!

Priest: Good. Please continue.

Confessor: Okay. So, I, I, I lied to my mnther. She asked if she could come over for dinner, so I said I was busy, but I wasn’t.

Priest: That doesn’t sound so bad. Why don’t you just call her up and say, “Mom, I love you.”

Confessor: I love you. Okay! Let’s see.. what else? Oh, uh.. uh.. I went to the grocery store, and the clerk missed an item and I didn’t draw it to her attention, so I guess that’s a sin of omission.

Priest: Was it a very expensive item?

Confessor: Oh, no. It was just some Pamprin. Well, um.. every month I, I, I gain some water weight.. You see, each month, an adult woman..

Priest: I understand how a woman’s body works.

Confessor: Oh! [ giggles ] I’m sure you do! Um.. okay, of course you would..

Priest: Okay. Let us end now, and while you say your Act of Contrition, please try to remember that the power of forgiveness is strong. Let it enter you.

Confessor: Okay. [ giggles and sniffs Priest’s hair as he silently prays for her forgiveness ] Oh, I forgot one! I’ve had impure thoughts! Very recently! [ laughs ]

Priest: That’s alright. God forgives you.

Confessor: Oh, okay. Oh, I thought of another one! Um.. I ate an entire box of cookies this week. On Tuesday. Oreos. I love them! [ laughs ]

Priest: Well, that’s not really a sin.

Confessor: But I’m on a very strict diet!

Priest: But it still isn’t a sin.

Confessor: Ohh.. But it was still losing control, and that’s not good. I just love Oreos. Do you like Oreos?

Priest: Well, I don’t mind confessing to you that I have a bit of a sweet tooth myself. I love Oreos!

Confessor: Oh! I’ll tell you a secret – I like to dunk them in milk!

Priest: [ laughs ] Well.. this is a little embarrassing, but.. I still like to spread the cookie open and lick the creamy center.

Confessor: [ melting ] I just want to tell you that I am having a really great time! Reconciliation is great! Can we do this again sometime?

Priest: [ laughs ] Reconciliation should be a weekly part of a Catholic’s life. I’m here every Tusesday and Thursday evening.

Confessor: Oh! Tuesday sounds great!

Priest: I’ll start the prayer of absolution now.

Confessor: Alright.

[ she watches in admiration as he prays for her sins ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 16th, 1991

Michael J. Fox

Black Crowes

None

Black Crowes, “She Talks to Angels”

The President’s Second Post Gulf War Speech

Recurring Characters: President George Bush, Dan Quayle.

Michael J. Fox’s Monologue

Chia Head

(Repeat) See: 11/10/90.

Stinging Clown

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Taking a dog on the Space Shuttle.

Central High Class Reunion

Black Crowes performs “Thick & Thin”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Black Crowes performs “She Talks to Angels”

Not Gettin’ Any

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

the end of the Viking age.

Elevator Fans II

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

How boxing and ballet are similar.

SNL Transcripts

The President’s Second Post-Gulf War Address

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Speaker Foely…..Phil Hartman
Dan Quayle…..Michael J. Fox

Announcer: The Doorkeeper to the House will now introduce the President. [ introduction is made, as stock footage of President Bush entering plays ] The President has entered the House Chamber.. this will be his second address to a Joint session since the successful conclusion of Operation Desert Storm. The first speech went so well – some 20 standing ovations – that is was decided that a second speech could provide yet antoher morale boost to a nation in the midst of a recession. We have read a transcript of tonight’s address, and the President will refer to Operation Desert Storm many, many times. [ cut to Vice-President Quayle and Speaker Foley on stage ] Uh.. there is Vice-President Quayle and Speaker Foley, and.. uh.. there is the President, greeting them. I asked the Vice-President earlier if he’d heard rumors that he might be dropped from the ticket in ’92 for General Colin Powell, and the Vice-President said that he had not. And now, the Speaker will address.

Speaker Foley: Members of Congress, distinguished guests, the President of the United States.

[ standing ovation ]

President George Bush: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. [ applause dies down ] Operation.. Desert.. Storm!

[ standing ovation, including Quayle and Foley behind Bush ]

Three words that symbolize all that is great about America!

[ second standing ovation ]

And all that is great about our young Americans!

[ third standing ovation ]

You know, not so long ago, there were some who claimed that our country had lost its way.

[ Quayle inadvertently stands up to applaud, realizes his error, then sits ]

Well, my answer to them is Operation Desert Storm!

[ fourth standing ovation ]

Now, Operation Desert Storm..

[ hearing the cue, Quayle stands up to applaud, once again the only person standing ]

..has not solved all of America’s problems..

[ Quayle sits ]

But, surely, the nation that can mount an Operation Desert Storm..[ hearing the cue again, Quayle mistakenly stands to applaud, hesitant to sit back down ]

..that nation can solve any problem!

[ Quayle sits, as everyone in the House stands to applaud; as everyone sits, Quayle stands up to become the only one applauding; Bush turns around to give a curious look, as Speaker Foley gives Quayle the evil eye to sit down ]

That is the real lesson of Operation Desert Storm.

[ applause, but Speaker Foly signals Quayle not to stand ]

That the American people will never back down from tyranny.

[ Speaker Foley cues Quayle to stand and applaud with everyone else in the House ]

Now, there are those who say that Operation Desert Storm..

[ Speaker Foley extends his arm to hold down Quayle so he won’t stand to applaud ]

..is a triumph for George Bush.

[ Speaker Foley okays Quayle to stand and applaud with the House ]

No, no, no, no! But if Operation Desert Storm was a success, it’s really due to the efforts of men like General Norman Schwartzkoff..

[ applause, no standing ]

..Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney..

[ applause, no standing ]

Secretary of State Jim Baker..

[ applause, no standing ]

..my Vice-President Dan Quayle..

[ no applause ]

..and most of all, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Colin Powell!

[ Speaker Foley signals Quayle to join the standing ovation of Powell ]

Vice-President Quayle: Bravo! Whoo-hoo! Bravo!

[ everyone ceases applauding and sits down again ]

President George Bush: Well, who knows, you know? Maybe, not so long from now, Colin will be standing right here, the first black American to grace a major party ticket, and the first black president of the United States of America!

[ Quayle stands to applaud, as does everyone else in the House, surprising Speaker Foley ]

Vice-President Quayle: Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell!

[ the House ceases its applause, but this doesn’t faze Quayle ]

Vice-President Quayle: Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-ell! Pow-..

[ stops, as President Bush gives him a strange look ]

President George Bush: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiighttt!

SNL Transcripts

America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars

John Walsh…..Phil Hartman
Todd Bridges…..Chris Rock
Danny Bonaduce…..Michael J. Fox
Johnny Whittaker…..Kevin Nealon
Barry Livingston…..Mike Myers
Rodney Allen Rippy…..Tim Meadows
Barry Williams…..Adam Sandler
Mindy Cohn…..Chris Farley
Drew Barrymore…..Jan Hooks
Dana Plato…..Julia Sweeney
Uncle Charlie…..Dana Carvey

John Walsh: Good evening. I’m John Walsh in Los Angeles. Recent statistcs show, that despite the efforts of law enforcement agencies, crime is on the rise all across the nation. The cause for this increase can be traced to one single group. Tonight, we’ll examine this problem up-close on “America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Stars”.

[ show’s title graphic cues up ]

John Walsh: They earned our love as children; too often we trust them as adults. Last year, 20% of all crimes committed in the L.A. area were perpetrated by former child actors. The cast of “Diff’rent Strokes” alone was responsilbe for over 300 muggings and minor thefts. Just last week, Dana Plato, who potrayed Kimberly on that show, was arrested after allegedly holding up a local video store. However, local police have reason to believe that Plato may not have acted alone. Authorites say Plato may have been a dupe in a scheme concocted in this hotel in downtown Hollywood.

[ zoom in on hotel exterior; dissolve inside with SUPER: “Re-Enactment” ]

Inside, a group who had been meeting for months were finalizing plans for a three-month crime spree. Included in the group were: Plato’s co-star, seasoned criminal Todd Bridges; TV’s Danny Partidge, Danny Bonaduce, dangerously unbalanced and prone to fits of psychotic rage; his partner, from “Family Affair”, Johnny “Jodie” Whittaker; and, from “My Three Sons, Barry Livingston, known to the public as Ernie, the “brains” behind the group, who some authorites believe had a not inconsequential role in the shooting of Alabama Governor George Wallace. Also present: commercial actor Rodney Allen Rippy, now going under the name Rod Rippy; Barry Williams, formerly Greg Brady, now a vicious crossdressing cannibal; minding the door, Mindy Cohn, who played Natalie on “The Facts of Life”.

Todd Bridges: So when’s this meeting gonna start, man? I gotta go sell my blood at six!

Danny Bonaduce: Hey, come on, Bridges, give your fans a rest, alright?

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughing ] Good one, Danny!

Danny Bonaduce: Thanks, Jodie.

Johnny Whittaker: The name’s Johnny!

Danny Bonaduce: Yeah? Tell it to Mr. French.

[ Mindy Cohn opens the door to let Drew Barrymore in ]

Drew Barrymore: What the hell are these blinds doin’ open for? You want somebody to recognize us?!

John Walsh V/O: It was Drew Barrymore. Although the youngest at age 14, Barrymore’s vast experience, expertise and connections within the underworld, made her the acknowledged ringleader.

Drew Barrymore: [ summarizing ] Okay, the van turns left on Highland, and we’re out of there. Everyone got it?

Danny Bonaduce: Oh, Drew, relax, we’ve been pulling these jobs since you were doing “E.T.”

Drew Barrymore: Yeah.. I don’t remember.. The years between 5 and 7 are kind of blurred to me. Hey, Ernie! What about that “special project”, huh?

Barry Livingston: I’m so glad you asked, Ms. Barrymore! I give you Benadynemethacrolate – twice the potency of crack cocaine! Half the price..

Drew Barrymore: [ climbs into his lap ] Whooo, baby! You got me for a week!

Barry Livingston: You won’t last!!

[ Barry Williams twitches ]

Drew Barrymore: Okay.. let’s get back to tonight’s job. We still need a point man. How about you, Rippy!

Danny Bonaduce: Yeah, Rippy. You haven’t pulled anything since your last trip to the bathroom.

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughs ] Good one, Danny!

Danny Bonaduce: Shut up!!

Rodney Allen Rippy: Listen, Drew.. I can’t be there when he goes down – not this time. I got too much to lose! I’m in an audition tomorrow – I’ll be the voice of a Muppet Baby!

Drew Barrymore: But it’s your turn, man!

Rodney Allen Rippy: Please..

Mindy Cohn: DO IT, RIPPY!!!

Johnny Whittaker: Great, Rippy! Now you got Mindy mad!

Dana Plato: [ enters ] Sorry, I’m late, guys, I had a photo shoot!

Rodney Allen Rippy: Hey, what about Plato?

Drew Barrymore: Hey, Plato. You think you’re ready for a point job?

Dana Plato:Yeah, sure. If you guys will give me a chance!

Danny Bonaduce: Hey, hey, Rippy, you’re off the hook. Why don’t you go to Jack In The Box and celebrate?

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughing ] You’re so funny, Danny!

Danny Bonaduce: What do you mean, I’m funny?

Johnny Whittaker: You’re just funny! You make me laugh!

Danny Bonaduce: In what way am I funny?

Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know..

Danny Bonaduce: What, what, what.. do I say funny things? Do I look funny to you? How am I funny?

Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know.. you’re just funny..

Drew Barrymore: Come on, Danny, take it easy..

Danny Bonaduce: No, no, no, Drew. He thinks I’m funny! I want to know – how am I funny to you? What, am I clown to you? Do I amuse you? Answer me!

Johnny Whittaker: I don’t know! I don’t know!

Danny Bonaduce: Maybe this is funny!! [ stands up, shoots Johnny in the chest, killing him ] Huh? Is that funny!! That’s funny! Funny, funny, funny!

Uncle Charlie: [ rushing in ] Holy Smokes! What the hell’s all the racket in here!

John Walsh V/O: It was Uncle Charlie from “My Three Sons”. William Demerest, the group’s mentor and live-in maid.

Uncle Charlie: Oh, geez, Bonaduce! I go away for five minutes to make some stew, I come back I got a dead body messin’ up my clean floor, you stupid kid! Don’t you kids have a video store to hit, or something!

Drew Barrymore: Come on, let’s get out of here, let’s move it!

[ Michael J. Fox rushes into the room ]

Michael J. Fox: Hold on, you guys! This is wrong!

John Walsh V/O: It was Michael J. Fox. He heard about the gang from his former co-star Tina Yothers.

Michael J. Fox: Hey, hold on. What are you guys doing? You guys, you’re better than this, alright? I mean, you made people happy once, and you can do it again! Come on, what do you say?

Danny Bonaduce: What do I say? [ takes out gun, shoots Michael ] That’s what I say! [ shoots ] Take that, Alex! [ shoots ]

Michael J. Fox: [ stunned, drops to the floor ] Unh.. Mall-o-ry..?

Uncle Charlie: Oh, geez, Bonaduce, you wanna scrub this floor twice a day!

[ cut back to John Walsh ]

John Walsh: Since the taping of this re-enactment, authorities have determined that Michael J. Fox is in fact still alive and in no apparent harm. Also, William Demerest has reportedly been dead for 9 years. Still, the basic truth behind this report is inescapable: if you see any members of the Barrymore Gang, do not acknowledge them! Do not address them by their character names, for they are liable to go insane. And if you see Mindy Cohn, do not look her in the ey. She is unarmed, but police describe her as wild and unpredictable. Next week, the two Coreys, and Steve Urkel – Walking Time Bomb – on “America’s Most Wanted: Former Child Actors.”

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle,
because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home
his face might burn up.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
When the age of the Viking’s came to a close,
they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening,
slapped each other on the back and said, “Hey, good job.”

SNL Transcripts