Category: 1991

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Dick Clark Productions

Receptionist…..David Spade
Kenneth Hornaday….. Phil Hartman
…..Hammer
Cleaning Lady…..Ellen Cleghorne
Kremlok…..Dana Carvey

[Screen reads ‘Los Angeles: The Offices of Dick Clark Productions’]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

Receptionist: And you are?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday.

Receptionist: Right and this is regarding…

Kenneth Hornaday: Yes I’m with Bradford Contracting, I have some blueprints of Dick’s new bedroom and he wanted to take a look at em.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you have an appointment or you…

Kenneth Hornaday: Well no he just said to come by today.

Receptionist: Ok great if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: Well actually I have another meeting, you know how long-

Receptionist: You know he’s so backed up, it might be a while, you understand, it’s crazy today.Kenneth Hornaday: Really? But it’s only 9 AM.

Receptionist: I know, if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: But you’ve only been open for a minute.

Receptionist: I know, [speaking softer] if you could just have a seat, thanks. [Hornaday sits down] Eh eh eh eh eh, hi there, hi. [Hammer tries to walk into offices]

Hammer: Yeah I’m here to see Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Hammer: Tell him it’s Hammer.

Receptionist: Right, and this is regarding…

Hammer: He’s doin the American Music Awards and he wants me to be a part of it.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and he would know you because you…

Hammer: You know, Hammer, Hammer Time?

Receptionist: Hammer Time, is that a TV show or something? I don’t really…

Hammer: Look I’m a rapper and actually I’m pretty well known. You know you might have heard my song. [starts to sing] Doom doom doom, bu du d- du can’t touch this. Doom doom doom doom doom.

Receptionist: I’m sorry I don’t really listen to much music, more of a reader. I’m sure you’re very gifted. If you could just have a seat. Can I just get your last name, I’m not sure Hammer would ring a bell.

Hammer: Look it’s Hammer, you know, like Madonna!

Receptionist: Right and she is?…

Hammer: Your momma! Nevermind, forget it. [Hammer sits down]

Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and take your foot off that [pedestal]? Thanks. You know staring at me like that isn’t gonna get you in any faster. [Hornaday eyes Hammer as if receptionist is psycho] [Spanish woman walks in]

Receptionist: Yes.

Cleaning Lady: Por favore, ciro traval cacina.

Receptionist: Eu steres…

Cleaning Lady: Magiama Rosa.

Receptionist: E es regardandoro…

Cleaning Lady: E es carncario cay come avala antubra.

Receptionist: Ci, ci, por favore tofo no sitro.

Cleaning Lady: Perche.

Receptionist: Tofo no citro, gracias. [Spanish woman sits down]

Kremlok: [enters, speaking in Alien voice] I must communicate with Earthling Richard Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Kremlock from Planet Orton 5.

Receptionist: Right and this is regarding…

Kremlok: The end of humanity.

Receptionist: And you’re on Earth because you…

Kremlok: Must tell Dick Clark to go on television airwaves to warn people of this planet of imminent doom and destruction.

Receptionist: Right, and you were referred to us by…

Kremlok: ‘Meglar the all knowing’. I must warn all humans that because of your warlike ways, you will be punished when a fleet of star cruisers representing-

Receptionist: Ok, shhh, shhh, got it, enough, thank you, too much. I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna put ‘regarding warlike ways’ ok? And when you see him you can elaborate if you could just take a seat it’ll be a minute.

Kremlok: This is urgent.

Receptionist: Well there’s 3 people in front of you, if you can work it out with them, fine, if not, just be patient, thanks. [Kremlock exits reception room]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hey is he [Kremlock] even here?

Receptionist: I’m sorry refresh me, you are…?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday!

Receptionist: Ok ok, if you could just be patient.

Hammer: [talking to Hornaday] I can’t stand a little grunt like this, thinks he’s running everything. I could just kill him.

Receptionist: Hmm, whispering about me isn’t gonna get you in any faster. [Hammer gets up from his seat, angered]

Kenneth Hornaday: Please Hammer, don’t hurt him.

[Kremlock re-enters with apron and hat from Weiner Hut]

Kremlok: [still talking like an alien] I have 2 chicago dogs to be delivered in person to human Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Jeff from Weiner Hut.

Receptionist: Right, sorry Kremlock, I know it’s you. Now you lost your place in line. If I were you, I’d just sit and be patient, k? Nice hat. [Kremlock sits down]

Kremlok: [talking to Hammer] Sorry are you reading that [magazine]?

Hammer: No, go ahead.

Receptionist: [phone rings] Dick Clark Prouctions [pause] And you are?

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Queen Shenequa…..Ellen Cleghorne

Kevin Nealon: Good evening I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m an alleged anchorman. [on screen: ‘alleged anchorman- SNL Live’, Nealon’s face covered by blue blue] Can we just get this part over with, I’d like to get on with the news. [blur slides off screen]

In Palm Beach, legal experts are divided on the extent to which Willy Smith may have hurt his chances when after being asked by judge Mary Lupo if he understood the charges against him, Willy replied ‘yes your honor, babe’.

Former White House chief of staff John Sinunu, who was labeled a pitbull for his abrasive, aggressive manner, reluctantly resigned this week. President Bush regrettably accepted his resignation, then called the Humane Society to have him picked up and destroyed. The outgoing chief of staff says he will lease his name to King Features Syndicate for use in their word jumble feature.

In a late breaking story, Japan announced it will apologize for the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. The apology will be released by the Sony corporation and available on compact disc for $12.95.

In a speech marking the anniversary, Vice President Dan Quayle assured the American public that even though the harbor was nearly destroyed in the attack, our pearl industry has completely recovered.

Several networks aired the specials on Pearl Harbor. ABC offered ‘Pearl Harbor, 2 Hours that Changed the World’, CBS aired, ‘Remember Pearl Harbor’, and the Disney channel gave us, ‘Honey I Shunk the Ships’.

The game ‘Monopoly’ will no longer be sold in the United States. Toymakers feel it’s just too unrealistic and gets peoples’ hopes up.

In a recent meeting of the Japanese parliament, the surprise attack on Pearl Harbor was commemorated by a surprise attack on an American made suit. [footage of attack on a man in a court room] I like that.

The only portraint painted of Christopher Columbus while he was still alive was discovered this week. Among other things, the painting surprisingly reveals that Columbus’ head was indeed flat and not round as previously believed.

According to education secretary Lamar Alexander, college scholarships will no longer be rewarded on a quota basis, because it’s not fair to other races. Scholarships will also not be rewarded based on intellect because it’s not fair to stupid people. Scholarships will now be given out alphabetically.

NBC news fired 18 news writers… that’s all it says here, I’m sorry.

Sears sponsored the Thanksgiving airing of ET, the Extra Terrestrial. With Sears sponsoring the film, they had to make a few changes. In this version, when the kid rides the bicycle over the moon, it breaks down.

Let’s take a look at a recent satellite photo. There it is, looks ok.

And Beauty and the Beast did well at the box office this week. [shows photo of Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky]

Ladies and Gentlemen, here with her holiday update is SNL soul sister #1 Queen Shanequa.

Queen Shenequa: Thank you Kevin, or should I say ‘asanti sani, abaragani’.

Kevin Nealon: Aba…? I’m sorry.

Queen Shenequa: It’s Swahili, you know Swahili, the language that we speak in the Bronx. It’s a greeting.

Kevin Nealon: Abba?

Queen Shenequa: Keep practicing. Hi ya’al, it’s Queen Shanequa back from Harlem where I learned about Kwanzaa today. Kwanzaa is a Swahili word, it means, ‘Santa don’t come to my house’. I’m so glad we got our own holiday. When I was a kid, I was tied of people asking me ‘what does Santa bring you?, what does Santa bring you?’. Santa comes down a chimney, I grew up in the projects, where was he gonna come from, out the incinerator? Huhhh [sighs], you know what I mean Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Uh, aburogoni?

Queen Shenequa: Not quite, Kwanzaa is a 7 day holiday and you pray a lot. On the first day, we pray for our lost brothers and sisters. On the first day, I’m gonna pray for Michael Jackson. I’m gonna pray he gets his mind back. Now what’s wrong with that child? Has anyone seen his mind? Cuz he clearly lost it sometime after ‘Thriller’, singin about ‘it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white’. If it doesn’t matter, they why are you so white? Of course it matters, cuz if it didn’t matter, you’d just leave it the way it is, why bother to change it? If you change something, then it matters. If it doesn’t matter, you just leave it alone, right Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: [lifting fist firmly] Abaragani!

Queen Shenequa: Yes and then I’m gonna pray for Milli and Vanilli, another Swahili name. Milli Vanilli, translation, ‘I’m not singin. You? Un unh, you? Me neither’. Milli tried to commit suicide by jumpin out the window. Well he didn’t really jump, he got somebody else to jump out for him. On a serious note, I’m gonna pray for Nelson Mandela, who was in town this week addressing the United Nations. So much to pray for Kevin, I better get me some kneepads, whatch you think?

Kevin Nealon: Abaragani Queen Shanequa.

Queen Shenequa: Oh abaragani to you too Kevin and goodnight.

Kevin Nealon: Abaragani, abaragani.

New York City public schools have begun distributing condoms to students, making this the first generation of youngsters who will have their lambskins before they have their sheepskins.

Well the New York Mets will be paying outfielders Bobby Bonilla 29 million dollars for a 5 year contract. This makes him the highest paid player in team sports. 29 million dollars, just think about it. [spaces out for a few seconds, gets excited]

In other sports news, throughout Wilt Chamberlain’s recent autobiography, the superstar divides book sections with ‘Wiltisms’, which is kind of a proverb he recommends should guide your life. For example, here’s one we’ve all heard before. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try 20,000 more times’.

Serial murderer Richard Speck died after complaining of chest pains. The ailing prisoner was transferred to a local hospital where efforts to revive him with a toilet plunger failed. We’re gonna miss him.

In medical news, a major study published today concluded that aspirin, the classic headache remedy, can lessen your risk of colon cancer. Providing of course, you’ve got your head up your ass.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s new to me.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans… Dana Carvey
Franz… Kevin Nealon
… Arnold Schwarzenegger

[Yodeling music plays]

Announcer: Good evening and welcome again to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz, the informative training program for the serious weight lifter.

Hans and Franz: Alright welcome, we’re back.

Hans: Once again I am Hans.

Franz: Yah and I am Franz.

Both: And we are here to pump you up.

Franz: You know let me tell you something. Many of you are wondering where have we been?

Hans: Yeah that’s right. We spent most of the summer in movie theaters intensely screening the Earth’s most important cultural event.

Both: Terminator 2.

Franz: Yah that’s right, starring the world’s most popular movie star.

Hans: Yah which happens to be our cousin, perhaps you’ve heard of him.

Both: Arnold Schwartzaneggar.

Franz: Alright, alright. After crushing the movie industry, cousin Arnold went on a fifty state tour sponsored by president Bush.

Hans: That’s right. As you know, cousin Arnold was put in charge of the president’s counsel on physical pupitude.

Franz: That’s right, no better person. Arnold’s dream is to create a flabless utopia, but alas the girly man has a formidable opponent.

Hans: That’s right, but hear me now and believe me later, we can easily crush girly men like grapes.

Franz: That’s right, and make a nice dry white wine-

Both: Savajon girls.

Hans: That’s right. And if you were ever alive, we’d be rippled.

Franz: Yah that’s right, yah nice ripple. So you know we followed Arnold from state

to state to lend a helping muscle.

Hans: Yah take a look at this.

Franz: Yah.

[Video begins]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: [addressing group of kids] The next exercise is for the upper body to get you really strong, some push ups ok. Now for that, we’re gonna have my cousins come out and show you how to do it the proper way, ok. Come on, Hans and Franz, here they are.

[Hans and Franz walk in, greet Arnold]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys go ahead with the program, show them now.

Franz: Ok cousin Arnold, you know, but first I’d like to say kids, do not be alarmed by our stunning musculature.

Hans: Yah we know you’re tiny children brains can’t possibly comprehend the muscles so large, the arms to strong, our bodies so firm.

Franz: Yah that’s right. We know you’re traumatized right now by the site of us, but believe me, our muscles do not bite.

Hans: That’s right, we put on our weight belt the same way you do.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys, you’re not scaring anybody so let’s get back, get back to the exercising, that’s what we’re doing here.

Franz: Yah I get it, child psychology.

Hans: Alright cousin Arnold.

Franz: It’s very important to know how to properly flex.

Hans: Yah let’s go over some simple poses like this. [Hans and Franz pose] Try it.

[kids flex]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Guys hold on, hold it, there are more important things than posing.

Hans: That’s right, that’s right, before you pose, it’s very important to oil your body.

Franz: That’s right, so you can accent your cuts and your muscle definition.

Hans: Yah.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Fellas come on, we have to learn here about how to exercise.

Franz: Yah, yah cousin it’s all good to exercise, but sooner or later, they’re gonna have to learn how to compete.

Hans: That’s right. Ok now before you work out, it’s very important to shave all your body hair.

Franz: Yah that’s right, we are completely hairless, believe me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: No, no, no, no, no. Listen guys, this is not about competition, this is about exercising, listen fellas, hear me now and believe me later. What you’re doing here is you’re putting the carriage in front of the horse, that’s not what we want to do. If you continue on this way, I’m gonna twist your flab into the shape of a pacifier, and I’m gonna have you suck on it until you poop your diapers, huh? How about that?

Franz: We’re sorry cousin Arnold.

Hans: Yah, yah we’re sorry.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah you’re sure sorry, you’re real losers. You guys are the losers, I mean you’re wastes.

Hans: Yah alright, now can we please do the finale?

Franz: Please?

Hans: Please?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Alright.Hans: Thank you, alright. [drum music plays, Hans and Franz flex their fake muscles, then Arnold flexes his real muscles, stunning the kids. Video ends]

Franz: Alright, yah, that was beautiful.

Hans: Muscles perfectly firm. You know I love the way those pictorials were just dancing the night away.

Franz: That’s right. Alright kids, one more lesson. [Hans and Franz each display 2 eggs] These are your muscles.

Hans: Yah and these are your muscles on steroids. [both smash eggs]

Both: Yah, any questions? [pause] Alright.

Franz: Until next time, he is Hans-

Hans: And he is Franz-

Both: And we just want to pump you up! [theme music plays]

Announcer: This has been Pumping Up with Hans and Franz.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

The McLaughlin Group

John McLaughlin… Dana Carvey
Real John Mclaughlin… Himself
Pat Buchanan… Phil Hartman
Morton Kondracke… Kevin Nealon
Jack Germond… Chris Farley
Fred Barnes… Mike Myers

[Theme music]

Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group”, special Halloween edition. With panelists Jack Germond [wearing skeleton costume], Pat Buchanan [wearing devil costume], Fred Barnes [wearing ghost costume] and Morton Kondracke [dressed as Spiderman]. Now here’s the moderator, John McLaughlin [wearing grim reeper costume].

John McLaughlin: Issue 1: The Mideast Peace Conference, trick or treat? Will the Israeli’s cooperate or does the Palestinian delegation have them spooked. Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan: Well I think Israel is justifiably-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ghost of Fred Barnes!

Fred Barnes: I don’t think a withdrawal-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mortone.

Morton Kondracke: Well the Palestinians are-

John McLaughlin: Not scary enough. Jack-o-lantern Germond.

Jack Germond: John I’d really prefer-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is the Middle East peace talks will be ghoulishly successful. Issue 2! A little girl was gathering wood in the forest, while her step-mother who was suddenly astormed began to brew. [lights dim] The girl took refuge in a nearby abandoned mansion. Who was lurking in the cobwebs I ask you, Mortone! [flashes flashlight at Kondracke]

Morton Kondracke: Uh a grave robber?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Flap-a-jack-a-Germondo!

Jack Germond: I don’t know, a big bad wolf?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You’re getting cold not warm. Fred Barnes- Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Aaaaah!

John McLaughlin: Were you scared Pat?

Pat Buchanan: Of course I’m not.

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You wish you were never born! Next issue! Close your eyes. Issue 3: Is this cold spaghetti or a human brain? [displays plate of spaghetti] Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: I’m not gonna play it.

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Pat Buchanan, guess if you dare. [Buchanan shakes his head] Come on Mortone I know you’ll try.

Morton Kondracke: Well I’m gonna have to say it feels like spaghetti.

John McLaughlin: Wrong, the correct answer is: ha ha ha ha ha ha! Next issue! [turns on flashlight below his head] The corpse of Hubert Humphrey will rise from the grave ere this night is out, agree or disagree? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: John can we please just-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Freddy Kreuger!

Fred Barnes: Well it’s Fred Barnes-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Germoooooooooooondo, [high pitched voice] Jack Germooooooooondo.

Jack Germond: You know I really have no opinion on-

John McLaughlin: Maybe this will help you. [tosses black cat onto Germond, Germond scared as cat purrs]

John McLaughlin: How about you, Mor-tony Baloney.

Morton Kondracke: Well Senator Humphrey has been dead for over 15 years, so if there were a living corpse, I would think the Democrats would be no interest in… John, why are you letting me talk so long? John? John? [scary music plays, McLaughlin appears dead]Voice in Background: Hoo hoo hoo, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

[The real actual John McLaughlin walks in dressed as Grim Reeper, removes hood, pushing fake McLaughlin out of his chair, and real McLaughlin takes his seat]

Real John McLaughlin: Sorry the teasing was starting to get to me so I had to take action. Issue. Our unified Europe, good for them, how about us? Boon or bean? Freddy Barnes and Noble?

Fred Barnes: Well I think we depend far too much on-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong. Patty cake patty cake, bakers Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan: Europe ought to be concerned that-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! More Tony Bennett, less Tony Martin!

Morton Kondracke: Well I would have to say-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Jack bo back, banana bana fo fack, fee fy fo mack Ja-ack!

Jack Germond: Alright you can start the show now you big ham.

Real John McLaughlin: It’ll be my pleasure. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

Christian Slater’s Monologue

…..Christian Slater
…..Lorne Michaels
…..John McLaughlin

Christian Slater: Thank you very much. Wow, let me just say that again, wow, Saturday night live! First of all, I want to thank everyone for tuning in, even though the World Series is still on, I understand it’s been a real exciting series, but we’ve got a real exciting show. Before we get started though, I’d like to get something off my chest. This is something that’s been bothering me for sometime and I wanted to take this opportunity here to deal with it once and for all, alright. I’m a little tired of people accusing me of doing Jack Nicholson, OK? Of course it hasn’t happened around here, you know, people at the show have been extremely supportive, very helpful. It’s I don’t know, maybe it’s characters I’ve played, I don’t know. Movies like ‘Heathers’, ‘Pump Up the Volume’, ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’- no that actually was Jack, yea. But anyway, what I do is nothing like Jack Nicholson, alright? And just to prove it, I’m going to do the famous diner scene from ‘Five Easy Pieces’. Now the way I do it, alright. Now first we’re going to show you the way Nicholson did it, so Davey if we could role that clip there. Davey? Anybody hear me? Anyone? Dave? [whistles]

[Behind the scenes, production staff is watching the game, doing the Braves chop with foam Braves sticks]

Christian Slater: Excuse me! [trying to get someone’s attention] Excuse me! I guess they’re watching the game. Alright, this is great guys.

[Jumps to real John McLaughlin and Lorne Michaels watching the game in front of a TV, with Braves sticks and wearing Indian headdresses]

Lorne Michaels: I always said Braves in 6.

John McLaughlin: Wrong, Braves in 7.

Christian Slater: Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Christian, how’d the monologue go?

Christian Slater: Fine, I think I’m still doing it.

Lorne Michaels: Good, good. You know I said Braves in 6.

John McLaughlin: Excuse me young man, you make a better door than a window. [referring to Slater blocking the TV]

Christian Slater: Oh, sorry.

[Slater sees whole audience is doing the Braves chop]

Christian Slater: Jesus. That’s great. Well I guess they’re watching the game, but we actually really do have a great show tonight. Bonnie Raitt is here. We’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Queen Shenequa…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a compulsive gambler.

Speaking at Harvard yesterday, Ted Kennedy acknowledged his faults and promised to clean up his act, admitting that most of his faults involve women and alcohol. The senator promised that he would make all of his women cut down on their alcohol.

[ Headline reads: “Quayle sharpening his tongue for role as Bush’s defender” ]
Doctors had to put twenty stitches in Vice-President Dan Quayle’s tongue this week, after Secret Service bodyguards pulled it out of a White House pencil sharpener.

Fromer Klansman and White Supremacist David Duke seems pretty confident he’ll be Louisiana’s next Governor. Outside a theater in New Orleans, Duke was noticably disappointed after viewing “Boyz ‘N The Hood”. Said Duke, “I was expecting something else.”

Kevin Nealon: I thought I’d take a moment for a brief editorial on the devestating conditions the Soviet economy is now undergoing. [ turns to give editorial ] The Soviet economy is now undergoing some devestating conditions.

According to a recent survey, people with blonde hair are still having more fun.

Three women, fearing another Anita Hill experience, this week backed out of a Senate subcomitee hearing. They could have walked out forward, but they didn’t even trust the senators.

Kevin Nealon: Here now, with her own unique opinion on the Clarence Thomas situation, is SNL’s #1 soul sister, Queen Shenequa. Queen?

Queen Sheniqua: Thank you, Kevin! This is Queen Sheniqua for “Update” – I’m mad about Clarence Thomas being comfirmed to the Supreme Court. The sexual harassment, that bothered me. But you know what bothered me more? He was sitting up there with that white woman, you see that? Where’s the Klan when you need them? Didn’t they start the Klan to prevent things like that? Disproportionately, successful black men marry white women – what’s up with that? Kevin’s doing very well – he’s doing “Update” now, he’s pretty successful, you don’t see him pushing up next to Queen Shenequa, do you? Do you?

Kevin Nealon: [ shaking head ] No.. no..

Queen Sheniqua: But if Chris Rock was sitting in that anchor chair, he’d be all up in Victoria Jackson’s face, like white on rice! Or black on rice, as the case may be, right, Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Well, I’m not so sure I follow..

Queen Sheniqua: Well, follow this – you know what it is? It’s the press that black women get! For years, the only black women you saw in movies were turning tricks as hookers, a negative image. But as soon as Julia Roberts played a prostitute, she became “Pretty Woman”! Critics caled her a “modern day Cinderella”. She was a whore! Julia Roberts was a ho! Now, America can’t get enough of prostitution! Now, there’s a lot of movies – “La Femme Nikita”, “The Last Prostitute”.. now they got one called “Whore”! I got it! We need a movie to get our men back! How about, instead of “Boyz ‘N The Hood”, we could have a movie called “Man In My House”. Instead of “New Jack City”, “Man In My House”. “Jungle Fever”? “Man In My House”! Thank you, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Queen Shenequa.

Well, someone is in for a lot of money tonight, when Florida draws the winning $94 million lottery ticket. Lottery officials say the odds of winning are 14,000,000:1. And, in a related story, Jerry Brown is running for President.

Imelda Marcos is planning a return trip to the Phillipines this month, with the body of her deceased husband Ferdinand Marcos. Phillipine Airlines says there will not be a problem, as long as the former President can fit under the seat or in the overhead bin.

Well, Native American Indians are protesting the Atlanta Braves’ Tomahawk Chops, saying it mocks Native American culture. The Minnesota Twins are getting their share of criticism as well, as sets of twins from all over the midwest converged on the area to protest being exploited. And it seems that the Twins’ homer-hankie waves are offensive to the Iraqis, who claim it mocks their Gulf War surrender.

Well, this just in. We have a score on tonight’s fifth game of the World Series – it’s 8 to 5.

A young man who mistook his mother for a deer shot her in the family’s backyard this week. The mistake wasn’t discovered until her head was mounted on the living room wall.

Kevin Nealon: And now, here with a report on how to stretch your Halloween dollar, is “Weekend Update” correspondent, Adam Sandler. Adam?

Adam Sandler: Halloween is coming, and it’s always loads of fun! But we have to remember – we’re living in a recession, and money is tight. So don’t go bugging your parents for these new, overpriced costumes. They’re such a ripoff! If you want an original, scary Halloween costume, just use your imagination!

You can just use your own t-shirt! Go as Crazy One-Armed Man. [ stuffs one arm under his t-shirt ] “Hey, look at me! I only got one arm, and I’m crazy! Now give me some candy, or I’ll grab you with my crazy one-arm!”

Or, how about going as Crazy One-Hand-Coming-Out-of-the-Neck Guy? [ pokes hand out from the top of his shirt collar ] “Hey! I’m Crazy Hand-Coming-Out-of-the-Neck Guy! Now, give me some candy! Don’t you think I deserve some for being this crazy?!

Or.. how about going as Crazy No-Armed-Woman? [ stuffs both arms under his t-shirt ] “I want some candy! Candy, candy! Everybody knows that Crazy Woman-With-No-Arms just loves candy! Now, give it to me, or I’ll rip your ear off!”

You can use something that’s in your house, even.. [ laughs, holds spoon to his head ] How about a spoon? “I’m Crazy Spoon-Head! And I want some candy! I don’t have a normal head, I got a damn spoon growing out of it! Now, give me some crazy candy, dammit! Ow-ooo, this spoon makes me b>crazy!”

[ picks up potted plant ] Or, just use a plant from someone’s yard! [ places plant over head ] “Hey! I’m Crazy Plant-Head, how about some candy! Come on, I’m crazy! And I got a plant coming out of my head! Don’t leave Crazy Plant-Head hanging, he needs some candy, too!”

Or, a Crazy Plant-Arm! [ pulls plant into his sleeve ] “Hey, look at this! I have a plant coming out of my arm! Isn’t that bizarre! I am crazy, I am deformed, and I am hungry! Now, give me some candy! Fork it over!”

Kevin Nealon: Hey, Adam! How about this? [ laughs, places styrofoam cup on his head ] “I’m Cup-Head! Cup-Head, hey, I want some candy, I’m Cup-Head!” [ Adam laughs ] Adam Sandler, ladies and gentlemen.

Pee Wee Herman was rushed to Cedar Simon Hospital today, after attending a Halloween costume party as Edward Scissorhands.

Kevin Nealon: For some hints on how to dress for your local weather, let’s turn now to our USA Today weather map. [ points to colored map ] If you live in the East, you may want to break out your yellow clothes; up in the North, your blue or light-blue clothes; and green, yellow and brown clothes in the Midwest, possibly a plaid ensemble. More weather tomorrow.

Don’t forget – Daylight Savings Time ends tonight, so at two o’clock, set your clock ahead 23 hours. If you’re in Central/Mountain Time, it’s 1 hour back, minus the 2 hour time difference. In New York City, and those of you on the West Coast, it’s a 3 hour time difference, 1 hour back, and 3 eggs.

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

Super Fire Hot Chicken Wings

Customer #2…..Christian Slater
Customer #1…..Victoria Jackson
Waitress…..Ellen Cleghorne
Waiter…..Rob Schneider
Manager…..Phil Hartman

Customer #1: So this place has the best wings in all of Buffalo huh?

Customer #2: Yea that’s what they say.

Customer #1: I’m hungry.

Waiter: Hey you guys ready?

Customer #2: Yea I’m ready- you ready honey?

Customer #1: Yep I’ll have half a dozen wings.

Waiter: Alright, and what kind of sauce do you want on that? We’ve got the mild, medium, medium hot, hot, super fire hot.

Customer #1: I’ll have the mild.

Waiter: And you?

Customer #2: I’ll have a dozen wings and I’ll take the super fire hot sauce.

Waiter: The super fire hot? They’re really hot.

Customer #2: I’ll give it a try.

Waiter: I mean they’re really really hot.

Customer #2: I hear ya but let me give it a shot, alright?

Waiter: I just want you to understand that it’s an incredibly hot sauce.

Waitress: Is there a problem?

Customer #2: Uh no, I just ordered the super fire hot wings.

Waitress: Have you had them before sir? Because they’re really really hot.

Waiter: That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to him.

Customer #2: Look I appreciate your concern but I really want the super fire hot sauce. It’s ok, really.

Waiter: Uh, we’ll be right back.

Customer #1: That sauce must be really hot.

Customer #2: I guess so. How about the Braves huh?

Customer #1: [chuckles]

Manager: Hi I’m Ron Julian the manager, how you doin?

Customer #2: Good.

Manager: Good. I understand you’re interested in ordering the super fire hot wings.

Customer #2: Yes I am.

Manager: May I have a seat?

Customer #2: Sure.

Manager: I think you should realize these wings are really hot.

Customer #2: I know.

Manager: I mean they’re really really hot.

Customer #2: Well that’s what I’ve been told. That’s what the waiter there just told me.

Manager: He’s a good man.

Customer #2: I’m sure he is.

Manager: Can I possibly talk you into ordering the medium hot wings? I think you’ll find them pretty tasty and still pretty hot.

Customer #1: You know honey, maybe you should just get the medium hot wings.

Customer #2: No no no no! Look, like I told the other guy, I appreciate your concern, but I’m gonna stick with my original order.

Manager: The super fire hot wings?

Customer #2: Yes, so if someone could please go get those for me, that would be great.

Manager: [looks at waiter] Alrighty Steve. Look why don’t you let me give you the mild hot wings, and afterwards if you really feel that you want the super fire hot wings, I won’t stand in your way.

Customer #2: No!

Manager: Fair enough.

Waiter: [places wings on table] Enjoy your wings.

Customer #2: [tastes wing] Well jeez, not that bad. I don’t know why they’re makin such a big deal out of it.

Manager: How are the wings?

Customer #2: They’re good, I’m kinda surprised though, they’re not as hot as I thought they’d be.

Manager: Still they’re pretty hot though huh?

Customer #2: Just I was expecting something really hot.

Manager: Well to be honest, I took the liberty of ordering you the medium hot wings. Now tell me, don’t you find them more than spicy enough?

Customer #2: What?

Waitress: Here’s your coleslaw.

Manager: It’ll take the edge off the medium hot sauce.

Customer #2: I didn’t order any coleslaw and I didn’t order the medium hot wings. I ordered the super fire hot wings!

Manager: Sorry my apology. Kerry, would you bring the gentleman the super fire hot wings. I’m sorry I was just lookin out for you honestly. It’s important for me to know you really want the super fire hot wings, and now that I know I feel better about the whole thing.

Waitress: Here they are.

Customer #2: Thank you. [tastes wing, angered]

Manager: OK I’m sorry you’re right, I gave you the medium hot wings again. I’m really sorry.

Customer #2: What the hell is going on here?

Manager: Please don’t be angry with me. Steven, would you bring the release forms please?

Waiter: [pointing on paper] Sign here, and here.

Customer #2: What is this huh? Just tell me where the super fire hot wings are and I’ll go get them myself.

Manager: Alright alright you win. Here they are.

Customer #2: [looks left, then right; screen freezes with scrolling message narrated by Phil Hartman, and surrendering music playing]

Message: As Scott Hanson bit into the chicken wing, his head turned a bright beet red and large amounts of smoke began to billow from his ears. Within seconds his eyes had become slot machine tumblers which spun around until both landed on the symbol for chili peppers. Next, bolting up from his chair and shouting ‘woo-woo’, Scott chugged around the room like a locomotive finally shooting through the root of ‘Ron’s Wings N’ Things’ and exploding high over the Buffalo night sky. In an ironic footnote to the story, the chicken wing Scott had was only a hot wing and not the super fire hot wing he had ordered.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

The Curse of the Wolfman

Wolfman…..Christian Slater
Kevin Nealon…..Policeman #1
Phil Hartman…..Policeman #2

[Scary music plays, Wolfman staring out the window]

Wolfman: Oh no, the moon is full. That means that soon I’ll be changing. Changing from a normal person into a warewolf. [Looks in bathroom mirror] Oh I can feel it. Oh no, I’m starting to change already. Oh I can’t bare to look. [Tumbles on the ground off camera] Oh why me, why me? Oh, oh oh. [Gets up to mirror with hair on face] It’s happening, look at me, I’m changing into a warewolf. [Back off camera] I’m still changing, on I can feel it. [back on camera] Yes I’ve changed even more. I’m turning into a viscious wolf, oh I can’t take it. [Off camera] I’m afraid when I look up again my eyebrows will be thicker, because it feels like they’re growing and becoming more wolflike. [Back on camera, hair on forehead] Oh no it’s happened, and now what else will happen? [off camera] It feels like, oh God can it be true? My nose is changing from a normal human nose into a wolf’s nose. Yes it is, it’s changing, I can feel it change from a normal nose to a wolf nose. [Back on camera wearing plastic nose] Oh no I was right, a wolf nose. Please God just don’t let my teeth change. [off camera] Oh, ah, ah. [on camera with fake teeth] Oh too late, the wolf teeth- it’s hard to talk with wolf teeth. [off camera] Good they’ve changed back, now I feel like my body is changing. Oh, oh, oh my Lord, what is this strange feeling I have all over my body? As if it was changing, and I was powerless to stop it. [on camera in wolf suit] Oh Lordy, just what I was afraid of! Now I’ve totally changed into a wolf, and oh no- [off camera] oh, oh [on camera] My teeth are back to wolf teeth.

[Wolfman wanders in room, 2 policemen charge in, shoot Wolfman repeatedly, Wolfman falls to ground, spooky music plays]

Policeman #1: What was that thing?

Policeman #2: It was some sort of wolf man.

Policeman #1: Look his face is changing from a wolf back to a human!

Policeman #2: You’re right! Look at it change.

Policeman #1: And now he’s totally gone back to his regular face.

[Camera shows Wolfman fling out his fake teeth while on ground]

Policeman #2: His face has changed back but now I wonder if his body will change too.

Policeman #1: Yes look, his body is changing back as well, it’s going back to the way it was, slowly but surely. [wolf fur gets thrown at Policeman #1]

Policeman #2: Somehow he even has gotten his old clothes back on too. [pleasant music plays]

Policeman #1: Looks so sweet now. It’s hard to believe that just a minute ago he was a hideous monster.

Policeman #2: Yes it’s hard to believe, but I guess that’s why they call it ‘The Curse of the Wolfman’

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

Young Actors Forum

…..Christian Slater
Rob Lowe…..Victoria Jackson
Emilio Estevez…..Rob Schneider
Charlie Sheen…..Mike Myers
David Spade…..Matthew Broderick
Dana Carvey…..Keanu Reeves

Christian Slater: Ah, welcome to ‘Young Actors Forum’, a weekly dialogue for young performers in the industry. I’m Christian Slater, and joining me tonight are Keanu Reeves, Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez, Matthew Broderick and Rob Lowe. Ok Charlie lets start with you. Now you did some nice work in ‘Hot Shots’. Now you’re doing a job with Milos Forman, sounds pretty intense.

Charlie Sheen: Yea I think it’s gonna be really special. It’s called ‘Firefly’. I play this fugitive cop who has to make a choice, yea it’s pretty real. I get to work with some great people: Gene Hackman, Molly Ringwald-

Keanu Reeves: Did her.

Christian Slater: Did er.

Emilio Estevez: Did er.

Rob Lowe: Did er.

Matthew Broderick: Had er.

Charlie Sheen: Did her. And you know uh, when you work with people like that you gotta turn it up a notch.

Christian Slater: Sounds cool. Now Keanu, I know you’ve worked with Milos recently.

Keanu Reeves: Yea it was really liberating. He’s the kind of director who goes right up to the line u know, and then he goes a little over that line. And there was this one time I was doing this really intense scene with Daryl Hannah-

Emilio Estevez: Did er.

Charlie Sheen: Had er.

Matthew Broderick: Had er.

Rob Lowe: Been there.

Christian Slater: Had some.

Keanu Reeves: Got some of that. What Milos lets us do is you get to call your own cut. So you let the camera roll till you feel right about the scene.

Christian Slater: That’s great. Daryl is a real perfectionist. She’s also got that innocent quality, a lot like uh, Ally Sheedy-

Matthew Broderick: Had er.

Rob Lowe: I had that.

Keanu Reeves: Been there.

Charlie Sheen: [pointing to Estevez] We doubled her.

Christian Slater: Begged her [coughs]. Now Matthew, I hear you’re working your chops in New York now.

Matthew Broderick: Yea you know every once in a while I like to go back into theater. Making a role fresh every night is a real challenge. I’m even studying acting again, I’m taking some classes with Duda Hoggins.

Emilio Estevez: Did er.

Charlie Sheen: Had it.

Rob Lowe: Made er.

Christian Slater: Did it twice.

Keanu Reeves: Got it.

Matthew Broderick: Nailed it shut. Cuz you gotta keep relearning your lines. It all comes back to you if you want it to.

Christian Slater: Well Rob we haven’t heard from you. You’re actually doing some TV now.

Rob Lowe: Yea I’m doing a TV movie directed by Alan Alda.

Christian Slater: Is he cool?

Rob Lowe: Oh yea he’s a great man. I met him once at a fundraiser and we totally hit it off. It’s pretty cool cuz we don’t just talk about acting. I mean like I’ll come over and just hang with him and his wife-

Matthew Broderick: Yea been there.

Rob Lowe: Seen it.

Charlie Sheen: Double duty. [high fives Estevez]

Keanu Reeves: Did er.

Christian Slater: Doin er.

Matthew Broderick: Oh you are?

Rob Lowe: Yea Alan’s really down to Earth.

Keanu Reeves: Yea you know actors who direct are so much more generous cuz they’ve been there you know? I mean Gus Van Sam was really cool but right now you know I’m working with Penny Marshall.

Emilio Estevez: Been.

Christian Slater: Seen.

Rob Lowe: Had.

Charlie Sheen: Done.

Keanu Reeves: Been. I mean uh, if you have a suggestion she’ll take it your way, which as an actor is really cool.

Charlie Sheen: I know what you’re sayin man. When I did ‘The Rookie’ I got that kinda vibe from uh Clint Eastwood.

Emilio Estevez: Did im. Sorry I have the hiccups.

Christian Slater: OK, thanks for watching ‘Young Actors Forum’. Next week my guest will be Amy McCarthy.

Rob Lowe: Excuse me Amy?

Christian Slater: Yea she’s a new actress Barry Levinson found, she’s in his next movie. Amy McCarthy.

[All rush off stage, then come back not realizing they should still be on stage]

Christian Slater: Had er.

Keanu Reeves: Been there.

[violin theme music]

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 2nd, 1991

Kiefer Sutherland

Skid Row

Ken Stabler

Skid Row, “Piece Of Me”

William Kennedy Smith Jury

Kiefer Sutherland’s Monologue

Lung Brush

Campaign ’92: The Race To Avoid Being The Guy Who Loses To Bush

Recurring Characters: Lloyd Bentsen.

Whose Ass Should I Kiss?

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Laughing at Grandpa when he’d head off fishing.

Skid Row performs “Piece of Me”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

All Things Scottish

Recurring Characters: Stuart Rankin.

Kiddie Metal

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Benefits of a robot president.

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Skid Row performs “Monkey Business”

Phone Illiteracy

I’m Chillin’

Recurring Characters: Onski, B-Fats.

SNL Transcripts