Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: March 21st, 1992 Mary Stuart Masterson En Vogue None
En Vogue, “Free Your Mind”
The McLaughlin Group After losing Democratic nomination, Pat Buchahan (Phil Hartman) endures barbs. Recurring Characters: John McLaughlin, Pat Buchanan.
Jack Handey V/O: If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”
Jack Handey V/O: Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Tom Hanes…..Chevy Chase Terry Hanes…..Victoria Jackson
Tom Hanes: Hi, welcome to “Adopt-A-Pet”, I’m Tom Hanes..
Terry Hanes: And I’m Terry Hanes!
Tom Hanes: This week, we’ve got a few more abandoned pets that could really use a good home. Let’s meet one of them – [ holds a big dog on a leash ] this guy over here is Sparky, he’s a growler who loves to bark; he’s full of energy, like a little spark plug, that’s why we call him “Sparky”. [ laughs ] The best thing about Sparky is that he’s an early riser. He’s up before the crack of dawn, barking and yelping and whining and growling. He’s a very loud dog. So if you want to adopy Sparky, just call the number on the bottom of your screen. [ KL5-PETS ] Now, Sparky is not a city dog; he’s a little nervous, needs to run; loves to eat, but he’s got a little trouble digesting. I’d love to keep him, but I don’t think he’s going to get along with my other dogs – he’s kind of a scrapper.. So, please call, Sparky’s waiting!
[ phones don’t ring ]
Well.. while we’re waiting for the phones to ring about Sparky, Terry, why don’t you tell us a little about your second pet over there.
Terry Hanes: Okay. [ holds up cat ] Well, this is Fluffy, she’s an orange Calico, isn’t she adorable?
Tom Hanes: [ laughs ] Yes, she is cute.. and if you have a lot of second-hand furniture, then Fluffy is the cat for you. She loves to scratch and bite and spit. Fluffy’s not a children’s kind of cat, Fluffy is more for someone who enjoys the unpredictable, a good surprise![ phones don’t ring ]
Now, if you want to adopt Fluffy, please call us.
[ phones still don’t ring ]
Terry Hanes: [ trying to sweeten the offer ] Fluffy doesn’t like litter boxes.
Tom Hanes: And if you’ll adopt Fluffy, you’ll also get an extra-added bonus.. [ to Sparky ] Sit!
Terry Hanes: She’s pregnant!
Tom Hanes: Yeah, that’s right! Within a few weeks, Fluffy will drop a litter of kittens in your house! I’m sure she’ll make a great mother – at least, until she goes into heat again.
Terry Hanes: So, if you want to adopt Fluffy, just call the number at the bottom of your screen. [ nothing ] You should also know that Sparky is still available.
[ phone finally rings ]
Tom Hanes: Hey! Hello, Adopt-A-Pet!
Caller: Yeah, hi. Do you think Fluffy would make a good pet for my grandmother.
Tom Hanes: I wouldn’t chance it.
Caller: Okay, thanks.. [ hangs up ]
Tom Hanes: Alright! Our last pet today is really exotic.
Terry Hanes: That’s right! [ holds up picture of monkey ] Mr. Bonkers! And he’s a rhesus monkey. It’s really unusual to have a monkey for a pet.
Tom Hanes: That’s right. And it’s even more unusual to have one with syphallis.
Terry Hanes: Unfortunately, the syphallis is at a very advanced stage, so Mr. Bonkers is visually-impaired.
Tom Hanes: He’s probably also insane, but, in a monkey, that’s hard to know for sure. Either way, Mr. Bonkers is sure to make some lucky family a great pet!
Terry Hanes: Children can learn a lot from Mr. Bonkers, because his anatomy is so like our own!
Tom Hanes: [ laughs ] He just loves to scamper about the house, picking up whatever he can find and throwing it against the wall – his own excrement, for example. So, if you want to adopt Mr. Bonkers, just call the number on your screen.
Terry Hanes: Michael Jackson has a monkey.
Tom Hanes: Yeah, but his is better than ours. Well, we’re out of time, so join us tomorrow on “Adopt-A-Pet” for Reptile Day. We’ve got a really vicious snapping turtle, and a lizard that can get out of anything.
Kaufman’s Big And Tall, And Short And Small Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store
Hal Kaufman…..Rob Schneider Henry K. Kaufman…..Chevy Chase
Hal Kaufman: Hello Im Hal Kaufman.
Henry K. Kaufman: And Im Henry K. Kaufman for Kaufmans Big and Tall-
Hal Kaufman: And Short and Small Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store.
Henry K. Kaufman: Wed like to take this opportunity to clear up a misconception about Kaufmans Big and Tall-
Hal Kaufman: And Short and Small-
Henry K. Kaufman: Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store. While some people think that Kaufmans Big and Tall-
Hal Kaufman: And Short and Small-
Henry K. Kaufman: Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store is only for big and tall
Hal Kaufman: and short and small
Henry K. Kaufman: Sephardic Jews, they could be and they couldnt be more wrong.
Hal Kaufman: Thats right Enrique. We included Sephardic jews in the name of our store as a point of ethnic pride because we are in face Sephardic jews.
Henry K. Kaufman: But were running out of time, so this point is, at Kaufmans Big and Tall-
Hal Kaufman: And Short and Small-
Henry K. Kaufman: Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store, every man-
Don Pardo: Thats right, Kaufmans Big and Tall And Short and Small Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store. Free gold star of David medallion with every purchase.
Attorney #1: Were the court appointed attorneys for Jeffrey Dahmer. [security guard opens door for both men]
Jeffrey Dahmer: Michael, Allen, thanks for coming.
Attorney #2: Jeffrey, what was it that you wanted to see us about?
Jeffrey Dahmer: Gentlemen, I think I found a way to convince the jury Im insane.
Attorney #1: Is that really a concern Jeff? I think in that area were doing pretty well.
Attorney #2: Yes were confident the jury is going to find you insane.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Well thats easy for you to say, its my ass theyre gonna fry.
Attorney #2: Well we just feel cannibalism together with a box of bones will prove that you were mentally ill at the time of-Jeffrey Dahmer: Im glad you guys are so confident. Im not so sure. Alright, lets stay focused. Our problem is weve got 3 days to get that jury to believe Im out of my mind.
Attorney #1: Jeff weve got a psychiatrist from Northeastern University in Boston who has agreed to testify.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Ok heres my plan. I go in there money- on Monday, or money- looking really depressed like this. Then I start talking to myself im imaginary lingo, like DeNiro did in that sitcom, Taxi. [as he moves his head side to side] You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Whats the matter, You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Hey, who you talkin to, me? On the way back to the holding area, I let out a little bark and yell like this: Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough.
Attorney #2: Mr. Dahmer, if you will just take your seat please.
Attorney #1: Jeff if youll forgive me, I think youve been overthinking this. My best legal advice is that you go into that court room, relax, and just be yourself.
Attorney #2: If youre found insane-
Jeffrey Dahmer: IF Im found insane-
Attorney #2: You will be committed to a mental institution. After a year, you can petition for your release.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Um hmm. [starts eating his fingers, that are really plastic] Let me see if I understand where youre going with this. Youre both pretty confident Ill be found insane, is that correct?
[both attorneys become nautious]
Attorney #1: [yelling] Guard! Guard!
Jeffrey Dahmer: I spend a year in a nuthouse, then I can petition to leave. I mean its just that easy. No problem for me. [attorneys exit room]
Guard: Jeff what are we gonna have to do with you?
Jeffrey Dahmer: What do you mean?
Guard: By the way, that reporter from A Current Affair is here to see you.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Today?
Guard: Yeah.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Well ok send him in.
[reporter walks in, signaling for the guard to come back in]
[ Cheers and applause from the audience. Chevy salutes the audience, then feigns an exit to Home Bases entrance door, only to return to Home Base. ]
Chevy Chase: Thank you!
[ Chevy waves and salutes the audience once more. ]
Chevy Chase: Wow!!!
[ The cheers and applause from the audience are even louder, much to Chevys amusement. Chevy displays his wristwatch to the audience and gives a wrap it up gesture. ]
Chevy Chase: God, I feel overwhelmed! This week has been so, uh unbelievable. These kids are just so, uh mediocre, really!
[ Huge laugh from the audience. ]
Chevy Chase: No, Im kidding! Theyre better than that. Uh, boy — I cant believe its been 17 years since we started this little show. Me & Dan. And, uh John. Gilda, Garrett, Laraine and that bitch, Jane!
[ Another huge laugh from the audience. ]
Chevy Chase: No, th-thats not fair! You see, thats the way I used to be! I used to use people just to get a laugh. I was very arrogant in those days. You know, I used to be kind of a wise ass.
[ Chevy glances to CAMERA RIGHT. ]
Chevy Chase: Can I say that?
[ Chevy gives a chuckle. ]
Chevy Chase: And Ive had problems; Ill admit it! But, Ive put them all behind me. And I think whats been so instrumental in changing me, and my life over the last several years is my family. Im sure many of you know I have uh, uh four wonderful kids: China, India, Michigan, Fred. No, thats not true. I got three beautiful daughters: Cydney, Caley and Emily. Hi, Girls! You shouldnt be up. Go to sleep! And, of course, my incredible, unflappable wife
[ Chevy gives a long pause. ]
Chevy Chase: Uh I want to say Jane. Jayni! Thats right, Jayni! Of course, I want to say it — thats her name! Ah, my heart is so full tonight. Ive been close to tears all week. And, uh theres so much Id like to say. I dont really know how to.
[ Chevy looks to The SNL Band. ]
Chevy Chase: Maybe I could get some help from the band?
[ Chevy turns to musical co-director Cheryl Hardwick. ]
Chevy Chase: Cheryl?
[ The band does not play but George Bensons 1977 song The Greatest Love of All is cued. ]
Chevy Chase: [lip-syncing] I believe the children are our future Teach them well and let them lead the way Show them all the beauty they possess inside Give them a sense of pride to make it easier Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be
[ CAMERA cuts to SPLIT GRAPHIC ]
[ BOTH SIDE PROFILE & CLOSE-UP ]
Chevy Chase: [lip-syncing] I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows No matter what they take from me They can’t take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Is happening to me
[ The song abruptly stops. ]
Chevy Chase: [Robbie Robertsons voice] Robbie Robertson is here! Well be right back!
Bob Swerski…..George Wendt Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley Denise Swerski…..Beth Cahill
Announcer: Due to a lack of interest, the Superbowl will be pre-empted in the Chicago area. Please stay tuned for this far more entertaining fare, my friends.
Announcer #2: It’s time to test your knowledge against the best, with “Bob Swerski’s Quiz Masters”! Now, here’s your host, Bob Swerski!
Bob Swerski: [ enters game set ] Good afternoon, folks, and welcome to “Quiz Masters”, live from Chicago, IL, home to a certain team, which, come January 1993, will clasp in its burly hands a certain Superbowl trophy, a team which is known as.. Da Bears!
Superfans: [ glasses raised ] Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: Contestants, if you are ready, let’s look at today’s categories – we have: “Bears”, “Ditaka”, “Bulls”, “Famous Ditkas Through History”, “Ditka-tionary”, and “Grab Bag”. Okay, we flipped the coin backstage, and, Pat, you have control.
Pat Arnold: Let’s start with “Bears” for $100.
Bob Swerski: “Certain Superbowl winner 1993-1998.” [ Pat buzzes ] Pat?
Pat Arnold: Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: Da Bears is correct! Okay, try again!
Pat Arnold: Okay, I’ll try “Bears” for $200.
Bob Swerski: “Bears vs. Robert Fulton in inventing the steamboat.” [ Todd buzzes ] Todd?
Todd O’Conner: Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: Okay! Todd, you have control of the board!
Todd O’Conner: Let’s go with “Bears” for $300.
Bob Swerski: “In 1957, Eisenhower said he’d like a foreign policy like the defense of a certain team.” [ no one buzzes ] Sorry, gentlemen, the answer was.. Da Bears. Okay, okay, before we continue, let’s take a moment to meet our contestants.. [ walks up to them ] Todd? How ya doing..? [ light responses ] Okay, great! Let’s get back to the game! Todd, you still have control of the board!
Todd O’Conner: Okay.. let me have “Ditka” for $100.
Bob Swerski: “Ditka’s Styling Mousse”. [ Carl buzzes in ] Carl?
Carl Wollarski: Nexxus Pro Formula-7000.
Bob Swerski: Carl, you are on the board!
Carl Wollarski: Let’s go to “Bulls”, for $200.
Bob Swerski: For $200: “What if the Bulls were.. [ Todd buzzes ] Todd?
Todd O’Conner: Bulls, 142-61.
Bob Swerski: That is correct! I’ll finish the question, however: “What if the Bulls were playing Phoenix, and Jordan played the entire game in a La-Z-Boy recliner”, and the answer: Bulls 142, Phoneix, 61 – very good, Todd!
Todd O’Conner: Let’s go back to “Ditka, for $200, Bob.
Bob Swerski: Alright. For $200: “True or False. Ditka can affect the weather according to his mood”. [ Pat buzzes ] Pat?
Pat Arnold: True!
Bob Swerski: It is true. Okay, we got a good one going here right now. But for those of you who had some money on the game, let’s get a Superbowl update from my daughter, the lovely Denise.
Denise Swerski: [ offstage, standing next to a TV ] Both teams look like garbage, Dad. All’s I know is, Da Bears could be kicking some major butt right now!
Bob Swerski: Alright, isn’t she lovely? Thank you, Denise. Right now, let’s pause for this commercial.
[ fade to Todd, Pat, and Carl sitting at their favorite table at Ditka’s restaurant, and obviously reading off of cue cards ]
Carl Wollarski: Great to have you back from your heart attack.. Todd.
Todd O’Conner: Thanks.. The doc’s got me on a special.. low-fat diet. I’m a new man.
Pat Arnold: A special diet? But, Todd.. you got a full plate of Polish sausage.
Todd O’Conner: [ laughs ] No, I don’t, Pat.. this is a Polish sausage substitute..
Carl Wollarski: Dat’s right.. it’s called.. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage.
Pat Arnold: A polish sausage sub-stitute..? I could never eat dat..
Todd O’Conner: You’re eating it right now.. my friend..
Announcer: [ over product card ] I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage. From DitCo.
[ fade back to “Quiz Masters” ]
Bob Swerski: Alright, welcome back. Pat has control of the board. Pat?
Pat Arnold: Alright, let’s try “Grab Bag” for $100.
[ bells sound ]
Bob Swerski: Oh! Lightning Round! Okay, Pat, three questions, 10 seconds. Here we go: “Greatest Movie of all Time.”
Pat Arnold: Da Bear!
Bob Swerski: “Greatest 19th Century Novelist.”
Pat Arnold: Flaubert!
Bob Swerski: “Tastiest Cheese Available to Man.”
Pat Arnold: Camembert!
Bob Swerski: Good job, Pat! [ end of round sounds ] That means it’s time for the Final Quiz Masters! Todd, you are still in the lead, but this question is worth $500, so anyone can win. First, let’s hear what our second and third place winners will receive.
Announcer: Contestants will receive a gift certificate from Yuremovic’s sportsjackets and slacks – “Hey, that’s a sharp looking sportcoat!” And a custom Bear paint job, courtesy of Vincent Van Bear, on Lincoln – no more sloppy paint job, now it’s Vincent Van Bear. Back to you, Bob.
Bob Swerski: Alright, contestants, here we go. The Final Quiz Masters question is: “Bears vs. Bulls.” Write in your answers now, gentlemen. [ music plays ] “Da Bears vs. Da Bulls.” [ music ends ] Okay, that was a tough one. Let’s see what our contestants said. First, Pat.. [ Pat holds up card with Bulls and Bears scratched out various times ] Looks like Pat ran out of time.. sorry, buddy. [ moves to Carl ] Okay, Carl whattaya have here? [ Carl holds up illegible Bears-Bulls combo ] Eh.. what do you say, Carl?
Carl Wollarski: Well, what do you think it says?
Bob Swerski: [ chuckles ] That’s a nice try, Carl! That’s okay, that’s good.. [ moves to Todd ] Alright, todd says: [ takes Todd’s card ] “The senseless waste of pitting these two mighty forces of nature against each other, like matter vs. anti-matter, will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved..” [ flips card over ] “..but for our planet. All nations must band together, to ensure that such a conflageration never takes place.” That is absolutely CORRECT!! Todd, you are da WINNER!! Todd, of course, now you win the grand prize – five minutes in the cheese-fry booth!
[ Todd is led into the booth ]
Here’s your bucket of cheese, Todd! Get on in there, we’re all proud of you, buddy! Five minutes in the cheese-fry booth. [ machine starts dropping cheese-fries onto Todd ] And there they go! [ Todd collects all the fries he can ]
Okay, the Superbowl’s still going on, so stay tuned for a special presentation of “The Blues Brothers”. Good night, everybody!
Victoria Jackson: Chevy, its really great to have you back here.
Chevy Chase: Oh, thanks Gloria.
Victoria Jackson: Um, Victoria.
Chevy Chase: Whatever
Tim Meadows: [passes by sobbing] Oh great, thanks a lot.
Chevy Chase: What happened? Who was that?
Victoria Jackson: Thats Tim.
Chevy Chase: Well whys he crying? Excuse me, Tim? Tim. [Finds Tim crying in dressing room] Tim whats wrong?
Tim Meadows: Nothing, thanks though Mr. Chase.
Chevy Chase: Come on, sit back, relax. You know Tim, when you share something with another person, a bond is created. We both work on the show, and thats now where the similarity ends. Come on what is it, your family?
Tim Meadows: [Shaking head] No, no.
Chevy Chase: Is it you? Are you sick?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: Someone you know sick?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: Did you make someone sick?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: Health related:
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: Hemorrhoids?
Tim Meadows: [shaking head] No.
Chevy Chase: Some type of discharge?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: You can tell me, I mean it. Did you kill someone? I did, you can tell me.
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: its not hemorrhoids, you didnt kill anyone. Are you gay? Thats ok, do you like me? You want to have sex with me?
Tim Meadows: No [shaking head repeatedly]
Chevy Chase: Youre sure?
Tim Meadows: Yes.
Chevy Chase: Not gay, not after me. Did you rape someone?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: Were you raped? You wanna rape me?
Tim Meadows: NO.
Chevy Chase: You sure?
Tim Meadows: Im sure.
Chevy Chase: Didnt rape. Did an animal have sex with you?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: You want to have sex with an animal?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: You sure, cuz I will, Ive done it before, its not a problem.
Tim Meadows: No, no Im fine Mr. Chase, really, thank you though.
Chevy Chase: Now look Tim, I dont know what can be wrong with you but I want you to know I respect your privacy and if you ever want to talk to me, you can. Can I tell you somethin? Itll make you feel better.
Tim Meadows: Sure, sure.
Chevy Chase: This used to be my dressing room.
Tim Meadows: Really?
Chevy Chase: Yep.
Tim Meadows: Wow thats great.
Chevy Chase: Anyway I remember one time I was depressed about my life and career. I came in here, sat down and just started makin up songs. Made me feel better. You wanna hear one?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: You sure? I could play one.
Tim Meadows: No, no thanks though Mr. Chase, I think I get the point. You came in here, you made up songs, and thats what brought you out of your depression, right?
Chevy Chase: [laughing] No no no, I was signed to a multi-picture deal and thats what woke me up. I realized Id never have to look at these walls again, thats what basically brought me out of it.
Tim Meadows: Well whats the point?
Chevy Chase: There really is no point Tim, no point at all, to anything. Dont try to find an answer to life, ok? In the end, we all die anyway. Its usually slow and painful. Feel better?
Tim Meadows: No.
Chevy Chase: Well now go out there and do a good show.
Air Date:
En Vogue, “Free Your Mind”
