Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross,
because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Category: 1991
The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo
The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo
Johnny Hildo…..Jason Priestly
Seventh Grader…..Mike Myers
Kristen…..Siobhan Fallon
Mr. Wilson…..Phil Hartman
Coed…..Melanie Hutsell
Black Male Student…..Chris Rock
Black Female Student…..Ellen Cleghorne
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Guard…..Chris Farley
Cellmate…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer: And now, “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part One: The Seventh Grade.
Johnny Hildo: Hi, guys!
Seventh Grader: Hey, Dildo!
Johnny Hildo: Uh.. that’s “Hildo”.. with an H.
Seventh Grader: Uh, yeah.. whatever.. Dildo!
[ they all laugh at him ]
Announcer: We continue with “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part Two: The Twelfth Grade.
Johnny Hildo: Hi, Kristen! Uh.. will you go to the Homecoming Dance with me?
Kristen: Oh.. I already have a date, Dildo.
Johnny Hildo: [ pause ] Okay, I understand. Uh.. by the way.. that’s “Hildo” – H-I-L-D-O. Hildo.
Kristen: Oh. Okay. Thanks, anyway, Dildo! [ runs off ]
Announcer: We continue now, with “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part Two: The College Years.
Johnny Hildo: Uh, Mr. Wilson.. I was wondering if I could talk with you about the Sociology exam.
Mr. Wilson: Well, it’s gonna be a tough one, Dildo.
Johnny Hildo: Yeah.. listen.. that’s “Hildo”, with a “Ha”, not a “Da”, okay?
Mr. Wilson: It sounds good, Dildo. But you’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got a class to teach. [ enters classroom ]
Coed: [ passing through hall ] Hey, Dildo!
Black Male Student: [ passing through hall ] What’s up, Dildo!
Black Female Student: [ passing through hall ] How you doing, Dildo!
Richmeister: [ passing through hall ] Dil-do-o-o-o-o!!
Johnny Hildo: My name is Hildo, alright! Hildo, dammit! Hildo-o-o-o-o!!
[ cut to newspaper headline: “Crazed Dildo Kills Seven” ]
[ cut to jail cell, Johnny Hildo being placed inside ]
Guard: Well, here’s your new home, Dildo. Hope you like it. Hey, here’s your new roommate.
Cellmate: What’re you in for, Hildo?
Johnny Hildo: [ stunned ] Did you just call me “Hildo”?
Cellmate: Yeah. That’s your name, isn’t it?
Johnny Hildo: Yeah! But, my whole life..
Cellmate: Allow me to introduce myself.. [ extends hand ] ..I’m Larry. Larry Bagina.
Announcer: This has been “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”.
Remembrances of Love, with Wilt Chamberlain
Remembrances of Love, with Wilt Chamberlain
Wilt Chamberlain…..Hammer
Cheryl…..Ellen Cleghorne
Fan…..Victoria Jackson
[ open on modern-day Wilt Chamberlain, sitting in his study next to a table stacked high with files on the women he’s dated ]
Wilt Chamberlain: I love women. I’ve had 20,000 relationships with beautiful, fascinating women in my life, every day since 1959, and all of them were special in their own way. Tonight.. [ pulls out a picture ] ..I remember Cheryl – #13,906, but in my heart, she was #2,078. Cheryl was so full of life, love and laughter. [ sniffs ] Mmm.. I can smell her perfume even now..
[ scene flashes back to Wilt’s time spent with Cheryl ]
Wilt Chamberlain V/O: It was 1972. The year the Lakers and I went all the way. A special year all around.
[ show exterior, Marriot Hotel in Milwaukee, Wisconsin ]
Cheryl: [ laughing ] So.. I figured, if the line for the movie is that long, it can’t be any good! [ laughs ]
Wilt Chamberlain: [ chuckles ] That’s terrific!
Cheryl: Oh.. Wilt? I’m such a big fan of yours.
Wilt Chamberlain: Oh, what’s there to say about me? I play basketball. But tell me more about you.
Cheryl: Yeah, well, anyway.. I saw “Cabaret” instead, and that was excellent! It was good.
Wilt Chamberlain: Yeah. Can you imagine that those people were living in tough, old times, trying to make the best of an intolerable situation?
Cheryl: Oh, I know..
Wilt Chamberlain: And how was that Joel Grey?
Cheryl: [ sighs ] The whole cast was excellent!
Wilt Chamberlain V/O: I was totally head over heels for Cheryl. Maybe I was feeling a little vulnerable. I was on the rebound from a previous relationship with a girl who was still in the bathroom. But there was no time for analyzing – I’ve always followed my heart.
Wilt Chamberlain: Cheryl? I don’t know how to say this.. it’s like.. when we’re together, it’s just so right!
Cheryl: Oh, I feel it, too.
Wilt Chamberlain: Like, remember the time when we talked about “Cabaret”?
Cheryl: Uh-huh. Yeah. When you said that it was making the best of an intolerable situation?
Wilt Chamberlain: Yes. You’re just so.. so wonderful!
Cheryl: [ moves up to kiss Wilt, and carries him and his big legs into the bed ]
[ pan over to the clock on the dresser, which quickly jumps ahead 15 minutes, then pans back to the bed, where Wilt and Cheryl are now seen smoking afterwards. ]
Wilt Chamberlain: You are one amazing woman..
Cheryl: Oh.. it was wonderful, Wilt!
Wilt Chamberlain: Look.. I got a game tomorrow in Cleveland.. I could fly you in, and we could spend halftime together. Just you.. and me.
Cheryl: I don’t think so, Wilt..
Wilt Chamberlain: What do you mean?
Wilt Chamberlain V/O: I tried to argue.. but, deep down inside, Cheryl was right – it just wasn’t there any more. We had drifted apart, and we just couldn’t keep faking it.
Cheryl: I’ll always remember you, Wilt. [ exits room ]
Wilt Chamberlain: How could I forget you? [ tears well up in his eyes, as someone knocks at the door ] Come in..
Fan: Mr. Chamblerlain? My brother is a really big fan of yours.
Wilt Chamberlain: [ eyes her down ] Oh? Well, please.. come on in, sit down.. I want to hear more about you.. [ points to the table ] I’ve still got some french fries. Feel free!
Fan: Okay.
Wilt Chamberlain: Mmm-hmm..
Announcer: Next week: the heartbreak of #9,687, on “Remembrances of Love, with Wilt Chamberlain”.
Steve Martin: 12/14/91
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 14th, 1991
Steve Martin
James Taylor
None
James Taylor, “Stop Thinkin’ About That”
(Repeat) See: 09/28/91.
Recurring Characters: Mark Strobel.
What a human snail shell is made of.
Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin.
The face of a child.
What tears families apart.
Recurring Characters: Nat X, Michael Jackson.
Recurring Characters: Tarzan, Frankenstein.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail
on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a “shell” if you will.
But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance.
Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
The face of a child can say it all,
especially the mouth part of the face.
SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 12/14/91: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 9
91i: Steve Martin / James Taylor
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
…..Kevin Nealon
Jack Handey V/O:
Its too bad that whole families have to be torn apart
by something as simple as wild dogs.
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg
The Doormen
The Doormen
Frank…..Rob Schneider
Jimmy…..Kevin Nealon
Ms. Foster…..Siobhan Fallon
Ms. Hawkins…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mr. Claymore…..Phil Hartman
Tommy the Delivery Boy…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Jimmy the Doorman standing outside the door of the luxury apartment building, as Frank walks out ]
Frank: I turned on the lights on the Christmas tree, Jimmy!
Jimmy: Good work, Frank! [ Ms. Foster steps outside ] Hey, Ms. Foster!
Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Foster?
Ms. Foster: Just fine, guys!
Jimmy: Nice night tonight, huh, Ms. Foster?
Ms. Foster: Oh, yes, it’s perfect!
Jimmy: Alright, you go and enjoy it now, Ms. Foster!
Frank: Yeah, have a nice night!
Ms. Foster: I sure will! See you soon, guys! [ walks away ]
Jimmy: Bye, Ms. Foster!
Frank: See ya!
Jimmy: That Ms. Foster, she’s one nice lady, huh?
Frank: Yeah, she sure is.
Jimmy: And pretty, too!
Frank: Oh, yeah.. pretty lady!
Jimmy: [ thinking ] I’d sure like to go upstairs and try on all her panties.
Frank: Yeah, me, too!
Jimmy: Nah.. they’d be too small.
Frank: Oh, sure.
Jimmy: Besides, I’d make an ugly woman.
Frank: Yeah, me, too.
[ Ms. Hawkins breezes forward ]
Jimmy: Hey, Ms. Hawkins!
Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Hawkins?
Ms. Hawkins: Hi! [ exits into the building ]
Jimmy: See ya, Ms. Hawkins!
Frank: See ya! Nice lady.
Jimmy: Yeah.
Frank: Yeah. You’d look good in that dress!
Jimmy: No. It’d make my butt look too big.
Frank: Yeah, mine, too.
Jimmy: Yeah, I got a big ass. It’d torture me for years.
Frank: Yeah, my hips are like a woman’s.
Jimmy: Not as big as Mrs. Blake’s, up in 1503.
Frank: Oh, yeah.. her panties must be huge!
Jimmy: Oh, yeah. We could use her panties as a driftnet.
Frank: Hey, that’d be good. But where’d you get the boat?
Jimmy: Yeah, you’re right..
Frank: Oh, sure. You know what kind of panties I’d like to wear?
Jimmy: What’s that, Frank?
Frank: Silk panties.
Jimmy: Oh, sure, me, too. Natural fiber, the only kind for me.
Frank: Yeah, I break out otherwise.
Jimmy: Oh, sure, you can’t breathe.
Frank: Oh, yeah.
[ Mr. Claymore steps out ]
Mr. Claymore: Hi, Jimmy!
Jimmy: Hey, Mr. Claymore!
Frank: How ya doin’, Mr. Claymore?
Mr. Claymore: Doing fine, thank you.
Jimmy: How’s Mrs. Claymore’s gall bladder?
Mr. Claymore: Oh, it’s out now. She’ll be coming home in a couple of days.
Jimmy: Glad to hear that!
Frank: Yeah, good news! See ya! [ Mr. Claymore walks away ] Nice guy.
Jimmy: Yeah. You know, in the hospital they give you those gowns that open up in the back.
Frank: Oh, yeah, keep you real cool!
Jimmy: Oh, sure. I’d like to wear one of those gowns, and then squat over a block of ice.
Frank: Oh, yeah. And maybe a fan to blow the cool air straight up.
Jimmy: [ excited ] Oh, sure! That’d be good!
Frank: Oh, yeah, why not?
Jimmy: Sure. [ a woman walks past them on the sidewalk ] That’s a man.Frank: Oh, sure. You can tell by the thick ankles.
Jimmy: Yeah, and the big Adam’s Apple.
Frank: Oh, yeah. I got a huge Adam’s Apple. Gives me away every time.
Jimmy: Oh, yeah, me, too. [ Tommy the Delivery Boy walks up ] Hey, Tommy!
Frank: How ya doin’, Tommy?
Tommy the Delivery Boy: Yeah, I got a delivery.
Jimmy: Why don’t you take this one up, Frank?
Frank: I took the last one up, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh, I’ll get the next one, Frank. Who’s it for?
Tommy the Delivery Boy: Ms. Foster.
Frank: Where’s it from?
Tommy the Delivery Boy: Uh.. [ looks ] Victoria’s Secret.
Jimmy: [ grabs the box ] I’ll take this one up, Frank!
Frank: No, I got this one..!
[ fade on them fighting over the box ]
The Energy Brothers
The Energy Brothers
…..Steve Martin
Energy Brothers…..Adam Sandler, Chris Farley
Steve Martin: You know, one of the nice things about being in my position in show business is that, every once in a while you get to help some young talent along the way. Well, when I was asked to host tonight’s show, I said I would do it on one condition – I want America to meet Steve Martin’s latest discovery. They’re a team who, in my opinion, will change the face of comedy in the 90’s, just as I did in the late 70’s and the first four months of 1980. Now, most comedians are as good or as bad as their material. Not the Energy Brothers. Because, you see, the Eenrgy Brothers have no material. They make us laugh on pure, raw energy. So, sit back and get ready to laugh, because, ladies and gentlemen, here come The Energy Brothers!
[ cut to the Energy Brothers, who immediately drop to their knees and creep across the flor to a small table filled with dishes ]
Energy Brothers: COMEDYYYYYYY!!!!
[ they proceed to dismantle the contents of the table, by throwing the dishes around and sliding themselves across the tabletop. One brother sticks his head in a vat of oatmeal, then proudly shows off his face covered in the oatmeal. They then high-five one another as a display of their comedic achievements. ]
[ cut back to Steve ]
Steve Martin: You have to keep reminding yourself – they have no talent, they’re that good! The Energy Brothers! And I found them, ladies and gentlemen!
Steve Martin’s Monologue
Steve Martin’s Monologue
…..Steve Martin
Steve Martin: Good evening, and welcome to “Saturday NightLive”! First of all, I want to wish you all a happy holiday – and I say happy holiday, because I mean it whether you celebrate Christmas, or Chanukah, or even some other weird astrology cult that you believe in but everyone else knows is hogwash.
I love being back here on the show, with a cast I love so much.. the regulars.. Kevin, Dana, Phil.. uh.. Victoria.. and the newer cast members.. Ramone.. Tina.. Frosty.. and Spunky. You know, a lot of hosts wouldn’t bother learning the cast’s names, but I think being a celebrity carries with it some responsibility. For example, when people come up to me in restaurants and say, “I can see that you’re eating, but I was wondering if I could have your autograph for my eight-year-old on her birthday.” I always grab the genitalia and pull down with a quick snap and release.. never with a slow, tight grip like some celebrities do.
You know, I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately, because I’ve got a new movie coming out, and I think that one of the most commonly asked questions I get is, “Steve, do you have a lot of creative input into the movies you do?” Well, actually.. yes. For example, I have a movie coming out next Friday called “Father of the Bride”. When the Disney studios called me up to aks me if I would be interested in doing “Father of the Bride”, I said, “Well.. which role?” And they said, “Well, the bride.” And I said, “What if we went the other way? What if I played the father?” And they said, “Hmm.. interesting.” And then as I’m talking to them, I realized, if I play the father, I don’t get to wear the white dress. So I say, “Do you think there’s a place in the movie where I could wear the white dress? Say, at the wedding, or something like that?” And they say, “Well, really, the bride should wear the white dress..” And I say, “Could we both wear the white dress? Could we shoot it both ways?” And that’s what we did, and they decided ultimately to go with me in the suit, and I think that was the right choice. But I do have a photo of the scenethat was cut out, and I’d like you take a look at it, could you put that up, please?
[ show picture of Steve and the bride both wearing white dresses ]
I thought it worked, but, you know, they thinkthey’re bigshots. Okay! We have a great show tonight, James Taylor is here, and we’ll be right back!