Category: 1994

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 6

94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

Stop That!

Arthur Canton…..John Turturro
Phillip Atwell…..Chris Elliott
Caller…..Chris Farley
Golimo Echivalia…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer…..Don Pardo

FADE IN:

[ TITLE: STOP THAT ]

Announcer: From Television City in Hollywood, it’s “Stop That”! With your host – – Arthur Canton.

[ INT. TELEVISION CITY STUDIO – DAY ]

[ An earth toned set with two white plush chairs adorn the area. ARTHUR CANTON, a nebbish man wearing browline glasses and an out of style suit, is seated. ]

Arthur Canton: Hello! Welcome to “Stop That”! I’m Arthur Canton!

[ Arthur is shaking as he tries to loosen his collar. ]

Arthur Canton: Our first guest today is an interesting man…

[ Arthur holds up a book titled YOU AND ME MAKE WE. ]

Arthur Canton: He’s a relationship expert and author of the book YOU AND ME MAKE WE — meet Mr. Phillip Atwell.

[ PHILLIP ATWELL, a man dressed very sharp, is next to Arthur. ]

Phillip Atwell: Thank you very much, Arthur.

[ The audience applauds. Arthur places the book down. ]

Phillip Atwell: It’s nice to be here.

Arthur Canton: It’s nice to have you here, Mr. Atwell. Tell us how you got started in helping people in relationships.

Phillip Atwell: Well, I was primarily a marriage counselor for about 10 years, not to mention I’ve been in a couple of relationships myself…

Arthur Canton: Couple of relationships myself…

Phillip Atwell: And I started to…

Arthur Canton: And you started to…

[ Atwell pauses and studies Arthur. ]

Phillip Atwell: Interview a number of couples…

Arthur Canton: Interview a number of couples…

Phillip Atwell: Who a few years ago…

Arthur Canton: A few years ago…

Phillip Atwell: Eventually what I found…

Arthur Canton: Eventually what I found…

[ Atwell pauses and stares at Arthur for a moment or two. ]

Phillip Atwell: I’m sorry – what are you doing?

Arthur Canton: I’m sorry – what are you doing?

Phillip Atwell: No! What are you doing?

Arthur Canton: No! What are you doing?

Phillip Atwell: No, I just said…

Arthur Canton: No, I just said…

[ Both laugh. ]

Phillip Atwell: Okay. I get it. I see what you’re doing.

Arthur Canton: See what you’re doing…

Phillip Atwell: You’re repeating everything I say.

Arthur Canton: Repeating everything I say…

[ Both laugh. ]

Phillip Atwell: That’s very funny!

Arthur Canton: Very funny!

Phillip Atwell: I used to do that as a child.

Arthur Canton: As a child…

Phillip Atwell: That’s very funny!

Arthur Canton: Very funny!

Phillip Atwell: Oh! You got me again!

Arthur Canton: Got me again…

[ Both laugh. ]

Phillip Atwell: Anyway…

Arthur Canton: Anyway…

Phillip Atwell: I had talked to a number of these people and found out —

Arthur Canton: And found out…

Phillip Atwell: Okay, seriously… can you stop that?

Arthur Canton: Okay, seriously… can you stop that?

Phillip Atwell: No, I’m serious! It’s not funny anymore…

Arthur Canton: No, I’m serious…

Phillip Atwell: No, serious, could you stop that? It’s not funny anymore…

Arthur Canton: No, serious! It’s not funny anymore…

Phillip Atwell: Stop that!

Arthur Canton: Stop that!

Phillip Atwell: I SAID STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: I SAID STOP THAT!!

Phillip Atwell: STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!

[ Both men rise to their feet. Face to face. ]

Arthur Canton: What!?

Phillip Atwell: You invited me on this show!!

Arthur Canton: You invited me on this show!!

Phillip Atwell: This is very rude!!

Arthur Canton: This is very rude!!

Phillip Atwell: It’s very rude!

Arthur Canton: It’s very rude!

Phillip Atwell: Please!?!?

Arthur Canton: Please!?!?

Phillip Atwell: Would you please stop that!?!?

Arthur Canton: Would you please stop that!?!?

[ Both men have a seat. ]

Phillip Atwell: Repeat this…

Arthur Canton: Okay! Repeat this…

Phillip Atwell: I’m an idiot.

Arthur Canton: You’re an idiot.

Phillip Atwell: No! I’m an idiot.

Arthur Canton: You’re an idiot.

Phillip Atwell: No! I’m an idiot.

Arthur Canton: You’re an idiot.

Phillip Atwell: Oh, forget it!

Arthur Canton: Oh, forget it!

[ Atwell storms off. ]

Arthur Canton: Okay!! That was great! Let’s take a phone call from one of our viewers…

[ Arthur takes a seat. He turns on the speaker on the phone. ]

Arthur Canton: Hello! Houston, Texas — you’re on “Stop That”!

Caller (V/O): Uh… Hi there!!

Arthur Canton: Hi there!!

Caller (V/O): What!?

Arthur Canton: What!?

Caller (V/O): Hello?

Arthur Canton: Hello?

Caller (V/O): Am I on?

Arthur Canton: Am I on?

Caller (V/O): Hey… y’all on the line?

Arthur Canton: Y’all on the line?

Caller (V/O): C’mon!

Arthur Canton: Oh… c’mon!

Caller (V/O): THIS IS DAMN STUPID!!

Arthur Canton: THIS IS DAMN STUPID!!

Caller (V/O): STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!

Caller (V/O): OH, THE HELL! I DON’T NEED THIS!!

Arthur Canton: OH, THE HELL WITH THAT!!

[ The caller hangs up. A hang-up tone is heard. Arthur mimics the hang-up tone then the off the hand set tone. Arthur turns off the speakerphone. ]

Arthur Canton: All right! That’s enough! That’s enough! Okay — our next guest is one of the world’s leading classical guitarists and I’m actually surprised he decided to show. I’m kind of excited! Ladies and gentlemen — from Spain, its Golimo Echivalia!!

[ GOLIMO ECHIVALIA, a tall, pony-tailed Spaniard dressed like Johnny Cash, strums one perfect note after another on his classical guitar. Arthur, after watching Golimo for some time, sneaks up on him and begins mocking his technique and playing guitar altogether. Golimo stops and focuses on Arthur, who’s frozen. Golimo begins playing again, only for Arthur to mock him again. Golimo stops to look at Arthur, who pretends to be watching. Golimo begins to play faster and faster while Arthur becomes more and more annoying. ]

Golimo Echivalia: This is very distracting!

Arthur Canton: This is very distracting!

Golimo Echivalia: I have played for Presidents… I have played for kings…

Arthur Canton: I have played for Presidents… I have played for kings…

Golimo Echivalia: Look — I have not traveled 12,000 miles to be mocked!

Arthur Canton: Look — I have not traveled 12,000 miles to be mocked!

Golimo Echivalia: STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!

Golimo Echivalia: STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!

[ Both rise to their feet. ]

Golimo Echivalia: YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT!

Arthur Canton: YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT!

[ Golimo storms off. ]

Arthur Canton: Wow! Classical guitarist Golimo Echivalia!! All right! Next up, next up! We have —

[ Phillip Atwell returns. ]

Arthur Canton: Oh! Look who’s back — it’s Mr. Atwell! Care to give it another go, Mr. Atwell?

Phillip Atwell: Give it another go, Mr. Atwell?

Arthur Canton: Ah! Very clever!

Phillip Atwell: Very clever!

Arthur Canton: Very good!

Phillip Atwell: Very good!

Arthur Canton: He’s trying to turn it around!

Phillip Atwell: Trying to turn it around…

Arthur Canton: You see this folks!

Phillip Atwell: You see this folks!

Arthur Canton: This is very exciting!

Phillip Atwell: This is very exciting!

Arthur Canton: Unfortunately, I know a trick…

Phillip Atwell: I know a trick…

Arthur Canton: That will foil…

Phillip Atwell: That will foil…

Arthur Canton: Mr. Atwell’s plans.

Phillip Atwell: Mr. Atwell’s plans.

Arthur Canton: Here we go…

Phillip Atwell: Here we go…

Arthur Canton: Listen closely…

Phillip Atwell: Listen closely…

Arthur Canton: “Jack & Jill…”

Phillip Atwell: “Jack & Jill…”

Arthur Canton: “went up a hill…”

Phillip Atwell: “went up a hill…”

Arthur Canton: “to fetch a pail…”

Phillip Atwell: “to fetch a pail of water!”

Arthur Canton: “a pail of water!”

Phillip Atwell: Damn it!!

Arthur Canton: Damn it!!

Phillip Atwell: You are a total waste of a human being!!

Arthur Canton: You are a total waste of a human being!!

[ The two start yammering at each other until Atwell just storms off the set. ]

Arthur Canton: THE MASTER IS BACK! YES! That’s all for today! See you next week on “Stop That!”

[ Arthur does a twirl then retires to his chair. ]

[ TITLE: STOP THAT ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Judge Lance Ito … Mike Myers
… David Hasselhoff

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and striped necktie,sits at the WU desk and straightens his sheaf ofpapers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …

Newly elected Governor George Pataki says he wants tobring the death penalty back to New York. First up:Mayor Rudy Giuliani. … [applause]

[Photo of President Clinton waving in front of a guyin a funny mask.] According to a poll taken last week,if the presidentel– if the presidential electionswere held tomorrow, the guy in the funny mask wouldwin. [not many laughs, scattered applause] Maybe if Ihad said the word properly … ?

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration iswarning people not to overeat on Thanksgiving becauseit can make you drowsy at the wheel. Well, that’s badnews for me, you know, ’cause after Thanksgivingdinner I usually like to drive around a while, until Isober up. …

Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guestappearance on the hit show “Baywatch.” Now, myresearch has uncovered that Fergie is actuallyBritish, not German, which, while not proving,certainly does nothing to disprove my time-testedtheory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! …

George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will bean inspiration to every American who has tried toreach the impossible dream. And, in a related story,former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer says thathe wants his autobiography to be an inspiration toanyone who’s ever been beaten up by an old man. …[applause]

In North Dakota this week, a hunter narrowly escapeddeath when a pocketknife in his breast pocketdeflected a bullet shot by another hunter. Man, youknow we have too many weapons in this country whenpeople are getting shot in the knife. …[light applause]

Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TVstation in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if itwas appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to beon TV with his case still pending, Ito said, “Maybenot, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?”… [applause]

Anyway, he did an interview and here to explain hisactions is Judge Lance Ito! Welcome, Judge Ito.[Cheers and applause for modest Judge Ito wears hisblack judicial robe.]

Judge Lance Ito: Thank you. Thank you verymuch. Uh, actually, thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Now, Judge Ito, isn’t it ironicthat someone so critical of the media would allowthemselves to be the subject of such an in-depthtelevision interview?

Judge Lance Ito: [politely] Ah, well, Norm, uh,a lot of people expect me to, uh, apologize, uh, forthe interview, uh – That somehow it was, uh,inappropriate, uh, hypocritical or what have you, uh,but I really have only one thing to say to that and,uh, that is– [rips off his black robe to reveal abright red, spangled suit and a multicolored necktieand a new, assertive personality] I’M A STAR, BABY!!!I’M A HUGE, FREAKIN’ STAR, BABY!!! BAMBI! THUMPER!COME TO PAPA!

[With a brief burst of cheesy show music, two Vegasshowgirls enter and hand Ito an oversized martiniglass and long cigarette. The girls hover over Ito,running their hands all over him, till heexits.]

Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say I’mshocked. I had no idea there was this side toyou.

Judge Lance Ito: GET USED TO IT, NORMY, ‘CAUSEI’M JUDGE ITO AND I GOT THE POWER! [sings] I got thepower! Unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh.[speaks] You know, if I want to sequester the jury fortwo years, I can do it! If I want it so that thejurors can only watch “Saved By the Bell,” I can dothat, too! If I say to Shapiro, “Jump!” – he says tome, “Ito, you superstar, how freakin’ high?!”

Norm MacDonald: So, I take it, then, you’re notgoing to apologize.

Judge Lance Ito: Oh, no, no. I’ll apologize.America — I’m sorry I’m so damn sexy! [smokes hiscigarette, sips his drink]

Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say, itsounds like this has gone to your head.

Judge Lance Ito: Hey, hey, hey, chief, chief,chief, chief. The name’s not “Judge Ito.” I’ve changedit. It’s just “Ito.” And, in two months, I’ll beunveiling my new name. [holds up a card showing animage of Prince’s famous glyph which features ajudge’s gavel] Yeah. I’ll be The Judge Formerly Knownas Lance Ito. And hey, Normy, Normy. Hey, do you thinkO. J. did it? I think he did it.

Norm MacDonald: What? Are you crazy? You can’tsay that! Ya gotta be impartial!

Judge Lance Ito: Oh, blah, blah, blah! ZIP IT!I’M ITO! I’M A FREAKIN’ STAR, BABY! America loves me!America loves Ito! And now I’m gonna to give it to’em!

[The set darkens and a spotlight shines on Ito as hejumps up on top of the desk and dances energeticallyto Snap’s “The Power” – at one point revealing “ITO!”stitched in spangled letters across the back of hisspangled jacket. The showgirls groove in thebackground as Norm grins and holds onto his sheaf ofpapers protectively. Finally, Ito jumps down andreturns to his seat.]

Judge Lance Ito: Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! [muchapplause] I’d just like to mention, uh, [pulls cardfrom pocket and reads it] I’d just like to mentionthat I’ll be at the Sands in Las Vegas, December– atthe MGM Grand with Buddy Hackett, December nineteenththrough the twenty-third. And if you’re in town, youknow, come on by, say hello. All right.[applause]

Norm MacDonald: Okay. Judge Ito. Thank you,Judge.

Judge Lance Ito: [rubs Norm’s hair] Normy.[rises, points to camera] Hey, America, I love you![to his girls] Yeah, come on, babies, let’s go. [Itoand his girls exit.]

Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito.

It was revealed today that O. J. Simpson told policethat Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up.He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killedhim. … [applause]

Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalismafter demonstrating against fur. She said wearing furwas in bad taste. Then, returned to her studio to tapea show entitled “Why Whores Get the Clap.” …[applause]

Yeah, Ricki Lake, you know, ah, she is – really is ananimal lover though. She has three cats, two dogs anda big ass that follows her around everywhere. …[Cheers, applause, groans, hoots, etc.]

Well, there may be trouble in paradise. Lisa MariePresley confirmed this week that she and MichaelJackson live in separate residences, fifty miles awayfrom each other. Lisa Marie was quoted as saying, “Iguess being married to a homosexual pedophile wasn’tsuch a great idea after all.” … [applause]

Researchers have developed a so-called “red wine pill”which gives all of the benefits of red wine withoutthe alcohol. Yeah. It’s called a grape! …

Norm MacDonald: In other entertainment news,one of the world’s biggest stars just completed awhirlwind three week world tour. Tonight he’s agreedto come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies andgentlemen, David Hasselhoff!

[Much applause for Hasselhoff who wears a leatherPlanet Hollywood jacket.]

David Hasselhoff: Thank you! Thank you verymuch! [laughs at all the applause] My recent worldtour was an incredible experience. I went totwenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I’ve gotsome amazing stories to tell. In Japan, for instance-instance, I was invited to the state dinner at theEmperor’s Palace. What I didn’t know was the emp–

Norm MacDonald: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hang ona second. Did you just say Japan?

David Hasselhoff: Yes, I did.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, no offense, youknow, but I don’t think anybody cares about Japan. Whydon’t you, ah, why don’t you focus on the countrieswhere you’re, you know, you’re popular?

David Hasselhoff: Oh. Well, in China we had anincredible experience. The entire cast of “Baywatch”was invited to the Great Wall where hundreds ofthousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison,”Baywatch, Ba–”

Norm MacDonald: Whoaaaaa, whoaaa. Wait, wait.Chinese people?

David Hasselhoff: Yes, of course.

Norm MacDonald: Look, why don’t we skip China?In fact, rule out all of Asia.

David Hasselhoff: Okay, okay. Well, I mean,what do you want to hear about? I mean, I’ve got somegreat stories from all over the world.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah? I was thinking, youknow, ah, some place where you’re especially popular,you know, like in, uh, Europe.

David Hasselhoff: Oh! Well, in Italy–

Norm MacDonald: Northern Europe, NorthernEurope!

David Hasselhoff: Oh, I got you. I got you.Okay. I got you. There’s one country that theyabsolutely love me — Norway.

Norm MacDonald: Norway?! What, are you crazy?!They like everybody in Norway! Nobody gives a damnabout Norway! What the hell’s wrong with ya?

David Hasselhoff: Look, ah, what’s going onhere? I’ve never seen you like this.

Norm MacDonald: Well, ahhhh, to tell you thetruth, you know, I didn’t want to be the one to bringit up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the- how do the Germans feel about ya?

David Hasselhoff: Well, on this trip, weactually didn’t stop in Germany–

Norm MacDonald: I don’t care about your stupidtrip!! Look, just tell me how you would characterize– in one sentence — the way Germans feel about you.

David Hasselhoff: Well, I’ve always beenfortunate to get a very positive response from theGermans–

Norm MacDonald: Oh, my God! This is no time forfalse modesty! We’re runnin’ late, we gotta wrap thisthing up! Do Germans love you?

David Hasselhoff: Well, “love” is an awfullystrong word…

Norm MacDonald: [hand to head] Oh, listen,David, uh… Let’s say a guy had a theory, all right?

David Hasselhoff: All right.

Norm MacDonald: A theory that he’s devotedseveral years of his life to. And let’s say he has alot of evidence to back up this theory of his.

David Hasselhoff: All right.

Norm MacDonald: [puts a large pile ofdocuments, file folders, etc., on desk — Hasselhoffis stunned] Now, don’t you think it would just becommon courtesy to help that guy out, you know, andnot – not ruin his life?

David Hasselhoff: Listen, I don’t know what youwant me to say here, pal.

Norm MacDonald: Oh my God, here, I’ll write itdown. [searches his pockets for a pencil, finds one,scribbles something on a piece of paper and gives itto David] Here! Say this!

David Hasselhoff: [puzzled, reads from paper]”Germans love me.”

[Camera pans quickly from Hasselhoff to a beamingMacDonald who addresses the camera.]

Norm MacDonald: Which once again proves mytheory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [Cheers andapplause.] And that’s the news! See you next time.Thank you, David. [fusses with his pile ofdocuments]

David Hasselhoff: [waves good-bye] Aufwiedersehen! [?], meine liebe! Auf wiedersehen! Aufwiedersehen!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 3rd 1994

Roseanne

Green Day

Rip Taylor

Green Day, “When I Come Around”

Jesse Helms Press Conference

Sen. Jesse Helms (Mike Myers) issues more non-specific threats to White House.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Helms.

Roseanne’s Monologue

Roseanne has nasty words about TV critics and Hollywood celebrities.

H.H.T. Home Headache Test

(Repeat) See: 09/24/94.

USAir

Following crashes, new safety regulations are in order.

A Woman Exploited: The Madonna & Tom Arnold Story

Tom Arnold (Chris Farley) rides new wife Madonna’s (Janene Garafalo) coattails.

Recurring Characters: Tom Arnold, Madonna, Rosie O’Donnell.

Rescue 911

Philadelphia operator (Roseanne) finds boredom within life-threatening 911 calls.

Green Day performs “When I Come Around”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

David Spade addresses striking athletes.

For the ACLU, Naomi Green (Janene Garafalo) comments on Jeffrey Dahmer death.

Adam Sandler sings his “Chanukahg Song”.

Low-Fat Yogurt

Dieters (Roseanne, Laura Kightlinger, Ellen Cleghorne) try low-fat yogurt.

Civil War Memories

High school dropouts put the Civil War into words.

Multiple Personalities

Psychoanalyst (Norm MacDonald) enjoys Roseanne’s whorey personality.

Green Day performs “Geek Stink Breath”

Funny Strange

Novelty shop items are more creepy than laugh-out-loud funny.

Lock-Up

Inmate Bobby Blake (Laura Kightlinger) hosts talk show in women’s prison.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Rescue 911

Patrick Stewart…..Michael McKean
Female Caller…..Janene Garafalo
911 Operator…..Roseanne
Male Caller…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Caller…..Ellen Cleghorne
Jordy…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: Tonight, “Rescue 911” goes to Philadelphia. With your host, Patrick Stewart.

[ dissolve to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: Good evening. I’m Patrick Stewart. Filling in for William Shatner. Thank you. This week, “Rescue 911” travels to the streets of Philadelphia. In our first story, a Philadelphia 911 operator has to make a split-second decision, when she receives a call about a man choking. It’s a life or death situation.

[ dissolve to Re-Enactment of Female Caller panicking as her husband chokes ]

Female Caller: Help me! My husband’s choking to death! Please help me, he’s gonna diiiieeee!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator handling the call ]

911 Operator: [ annoyed ] Alright, allright! Would you stop screaming in my ear! I heard you! Geez!

Female Caller: Oh, Go-o-o-o-od! Oh, God, he’s not breathing, send an ambulance!

911 Operator: Oh, keep your pants on! What’s he choking on, anyway?

Female Caller: An egg salad sandwich!

911 Operator: [ disgusted ] Oh, that is gross! How do you choke on egg salad? Hasn’t he heard of that new thing called chewing?

[ dissolve to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: As the seconds tick by, the 911 operator elicits further information.

[ dissolve back to call ]

911 Operator: Who eats egg salad, anyway?

Female Caller: You’ve got to send an ambulance! Now!

911 Operator: [ put off ] Hey! Don’t tell me how to do my job! You keep talking like that, I’m gonna hang up!

Female Caller: Well, can I talk to somebody else there? Because you’re really starting to..

911 Operator: [ hangs up ] Jackass!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator in recap of scene ]

911 Operator: I gotta send an ambulance?! I got-ta send an ambulance?! Hey, I work for the city! I don’t gotta do anything! She’s lucky I don’t drive over there myself and show her what choking to death is really like!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: In our next story: an armed robbery on the streets of Philadelphia turns deadly, and it’s up to a 911 operator to handle the crisis. Listen, as we play the actual recording of a 911 call. Make it so!

[ show text of call over image of tape recorder device ]

Male Caller: The guy’s got a gun, and he shot someone! He’s bleeding all over!

911 Operator: [ bored ] Uh-huh?

Male Caller: Oh, man, hurry up! They’re killing each other! It’s 1-5-6 Market Street!

911 Operator: Uh-huh..?

Male Caller: Oh, man, he’s shooting now! They’re both shooting! Aaagghhh!!

911 Operator: Yeah.

[ SUPER: “911 Operator: Makes Yap Yap Yap sign with her hands” ]

[ SUPER: “911 Operator: Sticks her finger in her throat to indicate the call makes her want to throw up” ]

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: In our third story: it’s another life and death moment, and time is of the essence. Engage!

[ phone rings, but no operator is there to answer ]

[ dissolve to 911 Operator giving recap of scene ]

911 Operator: Alright, so I missed that call! I don’t know where the hell I was, and who cares! They’ll probably just call back later with some other stupid emergency! What is it with these people, anyway? I’ll tell you, sometimes I get so damn mad, I just want to take the thing off the hook! And I do!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: Next week, on “Rescue 911”: a Philadelphia 911 operator faces a special challenge. Maximum warp!

[ dissolve to 911 Operator taking call from Spanish Caller ]

Spanish Caller: [ in Spanish ] Por favor! Por favor!

911 Operator: What?! I don’t understand you! Are you speaking.. Spanish? [ Spanish Caller continues to ramble in Spanish ] Hey, if you keep talking like that, I’m just gonna hang up! [ the spanish continues, so 911 Operator hangs up ] Foreignor!

[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]

Patrick Stewart: That’s all for this time. See you next week on “Rescue 911”.

[ suddenly, Jordy enters scene ]

Jordy: Goodbye!

[ Patrick Stewart is dumbfounded by the surprise appearance, as title card appears over them to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Civil War Memories

Announcer…..Michael McKean
Richard Panero…..Kevin Nealon
Denise Tompkins…..Ellen Cleghorne
Damon Watson…..Tim Meadows
Craig Schenk…..Chris Farley
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Eric Milligan…..Adam Sandler
Rajneesh Singh…..Mike Myers

Announcer V/O: “Civil War Memories”. Ordinary Americans who never completed high school look back at the war between the states.

Part 6: The Battle for Charleston.

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

The Battle for Charleston, South Carolina, was one of paramount importance for both the Union and the Confederacy. Charleston was the jewel of the South; and, for the North, the road to victory led inevitably through its streets.

[ dissolve to Richard Panero, a crossing guard ]

Richard Panero: General Lee knew if he lost Charleston, the war was over. But the odds were against him, because the Norh had a lot more troops, faster horses, much bigger tanks, jets, planes and Scud missles.

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: Indeed, the North’s firepower far exceeded that of the South. But the South had one key advantage over Generl Sherman’s Union forces.

[ dissolve to Denise Tompkins, a laundromat supervisor ]

Denise Tompkins: Advantage? I don’t know! It’s what, the 1800’s and something, right? So, maybe the Southern people, ’cause they live there and stuff, know where to hide! And the North’s people couldn’t find them, ’cause they don’t live there! Duh!

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: Knowledge of the terrain didn’t prove a key advantage for the South and its wily commander, General Robert E. Lee.

[ dissolve to Damon Watson, an exotic dancer ]

Damon Watson: General Lee was nobody’s fool! I remember he said to the troops, “Boys, ask not what your country can do for you, ’cause the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. I have a dream!” So, when Limcoln heard that, he was, like, “I better hightail it to Charleston, ’cause it’s time for one of my Gettysburg addresses.”

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: In August 1863, Union guns opened fire, setting much of downtown Charleston ablaze.

[ dissolve to Craig Schenk, a sporting goods salesman ]

Craig Schenk: The North was shooting these guns, and.. taking people, and they were, like, “Let’s get it on!!” And the other guys were, like, “No way!!” It was sick! Then the North went.. [ motioning with his arms ] ..Wham! Wham! Wham!!

[ dissolve to James Barone ]

James Barone: And the number of casualties was staggering, right? But it was worse for the South, ’cause the North started getting help from these alien spaceships, right? And no martian’s gonna hold off against those space torpedos. Fuggidaboutit! Right? Ohhh!

[ dissolve back to Craig Schenk ]

Craig Schenk: Wham! Wham.. wham!! And then this southern plugged this Nazi guy in a headlock! And started pounding him! [ demonstrates ] Bam! Bam bam bam bam!!

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: General Lee’s battle-wary troops fought bravely.. but they were no for General Sherman’s neo-Nazi reserves.

[ cut to footage of a Nazi army casting “Heil!” to Hitler ]

These men fared even worse against the ray guns of the Martian flying saucers.

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles, with “Star Wars” music potted over ]

General Lee knew the end of Charleston was near.

[ dissolve to Eric Milligan, a highway worker ]

Eric Milligan: I like to eat the Charleston Chew candy bar. [ laughs ] See? Charleston Chew. [ holds up his chewy candy bar ] Like the battle of Charleston – same thing. That’s why I eat ’em! [ chews his Charleston Chew, with a smile ] Chewy.

[ dissolve back to Craig Schenk ]

Craig Schenk: [ still ] And then, finally, there was this one Southern guy left! And he was up against, like, 2,000 ninjas.. and he yells out, “Do ya feel lucky, punk?! Well, do ya?” And then, uh.. this Arab guy pulls Indy’s heart out of his chest and shows it to him! Right in his face! [ ] Ahh, swear to God!

[ dissolve to Rajneesh Singh, a crossing guard ]

Rajneesh Singh: General Lee was crazy. He fights like a woman! The South loses everything. Abraham Lincoln was a very smart man. He won the war and got on the five-dollar bill, like I would like to be someday!

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: General Lee’s longtime belief, that fighting like a woman would win him a place on the five-dollar bill, proved unfounded. The Confederacy’s days were numbered.

[ dissolve to Denise Tompkins ]

Denise Tompkins: I went to Myrtle Beach once – right? Which is right near Charleston. And I’m in the water, right? Looking at some guy, um.. when this huge wave hits me, and my bathing falls off and I’m standing there, my whole ass is hanging out! [ laughs about the incident ] And that was the end of that!

[ dissolve to illustrations of the Civil War battles ]

Announcer V/O: On April 9th, 1865.. General Robert E. Lee officially surrended to General Grant. But it wasn’t until May 27th, 1992, when a Myrtle Beach wave knocked Denise Tompkins’ bathing suit off, and her whole ass was hanging out, that the war between the States was officially brought to an end.

[ sweeping music ]

“Civil War Memories”. Ordinary Americans who never completed high school.. look back at the war between the States.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Funny Strange

Customer #1…..Janene Garafalo
Lyle…..Chris Elliot
Customer #2…..Kevin Nealon
Customer #3…..Chris Farley
Laslo…..Chris Elliot
…..Kevin Nealon
Kevin Nealon’s Twin…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on exterior, Funny Strange shop ]

[ dissolve to interior, as shopowner Lyle approaches a customer ]

Lyle: Hi! Can I help you?

Customer #1: Yeah, do you have any of that gag gum that squirts black goo in your mouth?

Lyle: Uh.. no.. no, we don’t sell any of that here.

Customer #1: [ protesting ] Yeah, but this is supposed to be a joke shop!

Lyle: No, no.. uh.. the name of this store is Funny Strange. We sell funny strange items. Like, uh.. well, like, this can of beer right here. [ laughs as he picks up the can ] Now, this can of beer has never been open.. but it’s completely empty! [ laughs at the joy of his work ] That’s funny! Funny strange.

Customer #1: Yeah, well.. do you know where I can get some of that goo gum?

Lyle: [ hesitant about losing another sale ] Yes.. there’s another store called.. Funny Ha Ha.

Customer #1: Okay, where’s that?

Lyle: Well.. you go out, you go south about half a block – it’s on your left, you can’t miss it.

Customer #1: Thanks! [ exits the shop ]

Lyle: Okay.. sure.. [ his disappoint difficult to hide ]

[ a Second Customer enters the shop, perking up Lyle ]

Lyle: Hi! Can I help you?

Customer #2: Yeah! I’m looking for a pair of those chattering teeth.

Lyle: Uh.. yes..

Customer #2: You know, you wind them up and they chatter and they hop around?

Lyle: Right. No, I know what you’re talking about.. Uh.. we don’t have those, but I.. I have something better – come over here. [ leads the way to an item he believes to be better than chattering teeth ] I have a fish with human teeth!

Customer #2: [ not sure how to react to such a strange, not particularly funny, item ] Aha.. you don’t have the chattering teeth? The kind you wind up and they hop up and down, you know..?

Lyle: Noo.. no. You see, the concept of this store is Funny Strange. We sell funny strange things.

Customer #2: [ understanding.. ] Ahh.. [ ..but still disappointed ] Then, wh-where could I get, uh.. buy a pair of these chattering teeth?

Lyle: Well, there’s a store called Funny Ha Ha.

Customer #2: Oh. Is that far from here?

Lyle: No, you just go out, uh.. south, about half a block – there’s a big clown in the window.. you can’t miss it..

Customer #2: [ laughing ] Clown in the window! That’s.. that’s funny!

Lyle: [ disappointed ] Yeah..

Customer #2: Okay, thanks! [ exits the shop ]

Lyle: Sure.

[ a third customer enters the shop ]

Lyle: Hi! Can I help you?

Customer #3: [ excited to be where he’s at ] Yeah! I’m looking for that, uh.. plastic puke! [ laughs at the excitement of buying some of it ]

Lyle: Uh-huh..

Customer #3: You know, the kind you put on the ground, and you pretend you just threw up! And people see the platic puke and think it’s real!

Lyle: I know, I know, I know.. I know what you’re talking about.. you know, I don’t have any of that – but the closest thing I have here, though, is this insect vomit. [ shows his customer the strange item ] If you want to look at it like that..

Customer #3: [ not what he wanted ] Uhh.. yeah. you don’t have any plastic puke, would you? With chunks in it?

Lyle: No. We.. only sell.. funny strange things in this store. You can look around.

Customer #3: Well.. plastic puke is pretty strange, if you aks me.

Lyle: Plastic puke is not strange.

Customer #3: Well, yes it is. I beg to differ.

Lyle: [ sighs ] Plastic puke is Funny Ha Ha – not Funny Strange.

Customer #3: [ confused ] Well, what’s Funny Strange, then?

Lyle: Well, my friend, I’ll show you! Funny Strange, right over here. [ leads his customer to a display ] It’s like, it’s.. it’s a two-headed lamb – it’s Funny Strange! Or, uh.. or, a birthmark that looks like Italy! [ laughs ] That’s.. that’s Funny Strange!

Customer #3: Ohhh. Then, you don’t have any plastic puke, then?

Lyle: [ hits his hand on the counter ] No! I have no plastic puke. I have no chattering teeth.. I have no pepper gum.. and I don’t have the famous Laugh Bag! Okay?

Customer #3: Okay. Do you know where I could, uh-

Lyle: [ exasperated ] Yeah, down the block – half a block on your left, big clown, can’t miss it.. that way!

[ Customer #3 exits the shop ]

Lyle: [ down on himself ] Sheesh! Another wonderful day in the store..

[ cut to the front door, as twin brother Laslo enters the shop ]

Laslo: Hello, Lyle. How’s business?

Lyle: If you’ve come to gloat.. get out!

Laslo: [ smarmy ] Oh, don’t be like that, Brother! I just stopped by to show you one of the items that’s selling like hotcakes down at my store! [ holds out a pair of Funny Ha Ha chattering teeth ] You know my store, don’t you? Funny.. Ha Ha!

Lyle: [ with clenched teeth ] I warn you, Laslo.. get out of my store.. I have no patience for you today..

Laslo: Why? Is it because, when you look at me, you see yourself – the success you might have been?

Lyle: Las-looo.. I warn you.. I warn you – get out, or I’ll-

Laslo: [ interrupting ] Or what, Lyle? You’ll go out of business? [ laughs hysterically ]

Lyle: Okay, that’s it.. that’s it! Mr. Funny HA HA!! That’s IT!!

[ a scuffle ensues, as Lyle kills his brother in a maniacal rage ]

[ the camera pans over to the chattering teeth bouncing across the counter ]

[ dissolve to Kevin Nealon, standing alone ]

Kevin Nealon: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. You may think the ending to this sketch was disturbing. But we prefer to think it was funny – funny strange.

Kevin Nealon’s Twin: You mean.. funny ha ha.

[ together, they both laugh at the inanity of the joke ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Roseanne

Roseanne: Hey, man! I’d like to thank my friends Green Day.. and Rip Taylorrrr!! Happy Chanukahhhhh!!

SNL Transcripts

Jesse Helms Press Conference

Sen. Jesse Helms..Mike Myers
Reporter #1…..Michael McKean
Reporter #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #3…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Next on C-Span, Sen. Jesse Helms holds a press conference, to explain threatening remarks he made last week about President Clinton.

Sen. Jesse Helms: Good afternoon, thank you all for coming. I just want to set a few things straight. First of all, it is true – I did tell a newspaper reporter, “If the President comes to North Carlina, he’d better bring a bodyguard.” Now, sooome people thought that was inappropriate, indicating that I’d like to see the President harmed. Well, if that were true, why did I tell him to bring a bodyguard?! It doesn’t make sense! If I wanted him harmed, I’d tell him not to bring a bodyguard! Unless you’re, you’re thinking I was using some kind of “reverse psychology”. But I don’t uuuuse “reverse psychology” – or do I? You don’t know what I’m thinking! Alright, let’s move on to some much more imoportant issues, such as my bill to replace Martin Luther King’s birthday with National tobacco Day. [ reporters start waving their hands and attracting Helms’ attention ] Yes?

Reporter #1: Senator Helms, do you intend to apologize personally to the President and Mrs. Clinton.

Sen. Jesse Helms: Well, let me just say a little something to Hillary Clinton: If the First-Lady comes to North Carolina, she should alos bring a bodyguard! She’s gonna need round-the-clock security protecting her be-hind. And I need not remind you, that is a pretty big be-hind! [ laughs ] Yes! Yes!

Reporter #2: Senator, how can you talk about our First Lady like that? She’s a wife and a mother!

Sen. Jesse Helms: Oh, she’s a mother, all right! [ chuckles ] And, I’ll tell you something, I’ve got some advice for that daughter of hers – Chelsea, don’t stand too close to Al Gore. He’s a marked man! and all I’m saying is: Accidents happen. Vice-Presidents get struck by lightning.. air conditioners fall onto Vice-Presidents’ heads.. Vice-Presidents get hit by poisonous blowdarts.. All I’m saying is “Watch it!” Okay? And that goes for the Gore girls, too! If I were the Gore girls, I’d have my brakes checked! You don’t want to be driving down a winding North Carolina road at night, and some other car starts banging into you and.. runs you off the road, and sends your car flying into some ditch.. It’s a crazy world out there, and nowhere’s crazier than North Carolina! [ reports clamor for Helms’ attention ] Yes! Yes!

Reporter #3: Senator, you’ve covered almost everyone in the White House except Socks the Cat! Do you plan to threaten her, too? [ laughs ]

Sen. Jesse Helms: Socks! I got a little piece of advice for you! Careful what you eat! Now, I’m not saying another word on the subject, except this – strictnine. Oh. And the best way to kill Socks the Cat? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Lock-Up with Bobby Blake

Guard…..Tim Meadows
Bobby Blake…..Laura Kightlinger
Tammy…..Ellen Cleghorne
Pauline…..Roseanne
Cheryl Houston…..Janeane Garofalo
…..Rip Taylor

Announcer: Live, from the Dansmore Correctional Facility, it’s “Lock-Up”! With Bobby Blake! And now, a woman who’s in fr manslaughter – ’cause she slaughtered a man – here’s Bobby Blake!

[ dissolve to Bobby Blake being led into Cellblock 6 by a prison guard ]

Guard: Alright, you’ve got ten minutes. [ Bobby throws her cigarette at the guard ] Make that five!

Bobby Blake: [ chuckles ] Get lost, screw! [ the Guard exits ] Hey, welcome to “Lock-Up”! I’m Bobby Blake. [ her audience claps ] So, what’s up in the news? Well, let’s see.. our good friend in Florida – Eileen Warnos – has been given two consecutive death sentences. [ laughs ] But, hopefully, with good behavior, she’ll get it down to one! [ her audience laughs with her ] I’m not making this stuff up, folks! [ turns to face Tammy ] Hey, Tammy? Play me over!

[ Tammy presses a button on a jukebox, playing Bobby over to her desk ]

Bobby Blake: Thanks, babe. Alllright.. now every now and then, we do a little thing called Funny Prison Items. Now, now.. these are actual items that have been confiscated by prison guards around the country! [ laughs ] Isn’t that right, Tammy?

Tammy: I told you – I don’t care!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Alright. Now.. the first item, was made out of a toothbrush. [ pulls the item out of a box and holds it up for the crowd ] It was filed down around the edges – now, it’s a knife! [ her audience laughs with her ] I’m not making this stuff up, folks! Okay, let’s see what else we have here. [ rummages through the box ] Oh. [ pulls out a second object ] It’s a license plate.. that’s been filed down to a knife. [ her audience laughs, as she rummages through the box ] Oh, here’s a good one. [ holds up the object ] Now, this is a knife made out of a file! Evidently, you need two files to get this thing! Isn’t that right, Tam!

Tammy: [ annoyed by the repeat routine ] How ’bout I come over there, and stick that thing in your head?!

[ audience oohs ]

Bobby Blake: [ blows it off ] Now.. uh.. now, this is interesting. [ holds up her next object ] This is a knife.. made from a law book, in a prison library. Did you see this, Tammy?

Tammy: [ a deeper scowl on her face ] I play for keeps!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Alright! [ rummages through the box again ] And, finally – I love this one.. [ holds up the object ] This is an item that is all the way from the Creedmore Insitute for the Criminally Insane, and it’s actually a knife.. made out of a gun! [ her audience shows their excitement. Yeah. I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks. [ puts the box away ] Alright.. let’s bring out our first guest. She’s doing a dime for armed robbery, and in addition to being a very talented tattoo artist, you may kbow her as the woman who owns me – please give a Cellblock 6 welcome to Pauline!

[ Pauline runs onto the set ]

Pauline: Thanks, guys! Yeah, Bobby’s doing a great job – before her, the only thing we had to watch was Cinemax and HBO, Pay-Per-View – which we never had to pay for – and Nickelodeon. Let’s hear it, she’s doing a great job! [ the crowd cheers ] She’s a beautiful woman! Look at that skin, huh? [ the crowd oohs and ahhs ] Stay AWAY from her, she’s MINE!!

Bobby Blake: [ blushing ] Okay, well.. it’s great to have you on the show, Pauline. Now, I understand you brought a clip?

Pauline: Yeah.

Bobby Blake: Now, would you like to set this up for us?

Pauline: Nah, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

[ dissolve to the black-and-white clip of Pauline robbing a bank ]

Pauline (on video): Alright, everybody, HIT the floor!! STAY (bleep!) I said “Hit the floor!” What, are you DEAF?! Give me the money, or your (bleep!)-ing brains will hit the floor before YOU do! [ runs in front of the security camera, and shoots at it with her gun, sending it into a snow signal ]

[ dissolve back to “Lock-Up”, the crowd applauding the clip ]

Bobby Blake: [ impressed ] Wow! Wow! That was great! Now, I always thought that.. doing a robbery would be about the hardest thing anybody could ever do! [ laughs] I get nervous just cashing a forged check! [ she and Pauline laugh ] Am I right, ladies? Ah.. [ to Pauline ] ..were you nervous?

Pauline: Ahhh.

Bobby Blake: Now, how did you feel when you got caught.

Pauline: Well, I felt pretty bad, but.. if I hadn’t got caught, I never would have met you, Honey Pot!

[ the crowd whoos ]

Bobby Blake: [ scared ] Oh, God! Please don’t hurt me tonight!

Pauline: Ah, you know you love it!

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Okay, you big lug!

Pauline: You got my cigarettes?

Bobby Blake: No. But it’s funny you should mention that, because now it’s time to introduce a new segment on my show – Home Shopping with Cheryl Houston!

[ the crowd applauds Cheryl into the cellblock ]

Uh.. pleeease? Alright! Hey, so Cheryl, what haev you got for us today?

Cheryl Houston: Okay, the first thing I got is a lovely silver spoon ring – can we get a close-up of that?

[ cut to the close-up, as the crowd oohs ]

Bobby Blake: Okay, yeah!

Cheryl Houston: Yeah, this came from our own cafeteria, and, as you know, can be filed down into a knife.

Bobby Blake: God, it’s beautiful!

Cheryl Houston: Yeah.

Bobby Blake: Now, how much is that going for?

Cheryl Houston: Well, it’s gonna run you a pack of Marlboros.. or, about a pack-and-a-half of Luckys.

Bobby Blake: Uh-huh. That’s a bargain! What else you got?

Cheryl Houston: Okay, the next thing I got here.. I got a picture here of Lisa Mandell, convicted for insider trading, will soon to be transferred to a minimum security prison. So you’d better act fast, ’cause this baby’s goin’ quick.

Bobby Blake: [ laughs ] Well, she’s not gonna last long at those prices!

Cheryl Houston: A pack of Kools.

Bobby Blake: So, is that it?

Cheryl Houston: No, I got one more thing – don’t think I can show it here, though. It’s a vibrator that’s never been used.

[ the crowd voices their disagreement: “Yeah, right!” ]

Bobby Blake: [ laughing ] Alright, I believe that one! And I also believe that you didn’t toss your old man into the wood chipper!

[ the crowd oohs at the possibility of a fight ]

Cheryl Houston: Hey! Hey! One more CRACK outta YOU, and it’s GO TIME, my lady!!

[ Cheryl grabs Bobby by the neck, but Pauline intercedes ]

Bobby Blake: Whoa.. um.. okay! I guess some of us have never been on TV before. Right, Tam?

Tammy: [ pissed ] I told you – I play for keeps!

Pauline: [ walks over, curious ] Hey.. who’s that?

Bobby Blake: It’s Tammy..sh-she’s my sidekick.

Pauline: Yeahhh? Well, she is.. one chocolate goddess!

Bobby Blake: [ feeling threatened ] She’s not so great.

Tammy: You think so? You know, uh.. I bin thinkin’ ’bout you ever since you bit that guard! [ laughs ]

Pauline: Welll.. I thik me and Miss Tammy here are gonna have to blow off this Amateur Hour.

Bobby Blake: [ stammering ] Uh.. uh.. no, you’re n-not! That just about wraps it up, I’m.. [ Pauline and Tammy proceed to make out ] Hey, wait, come on! This is my show! Come on! I’m your wife!

Pauline: Yeah? Well, don’t wait up.

[ the crowd oohs ]

Bobby Blake: [ near tears ] Aw.. I guess we don’t have time for our third guest.. I’d like to apologize to Rip Taylor. We went a little long, I’m sorry, Rip-

[ Rip Taylor enters to huge applause ]

Rip Taylor: But it’s o-kay! Because I love this women’s prison!

[ Rip waves a bag of colored feathers over the heads of the female inmates, as the Guard attempts to restrain him ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Roseanne’s Monologue

…..Roseanne

Roseanne: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you so much! I love New York when it’s co-old! You can hardly smell the urine rom the subway! And if you step in dog crap, who cares, it’s FROZEN! Well, I just survived another heap of dog crap and lived through it! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah, people still ask me: “Hey, Roseanne, what about that three-way marriage thing?” And I would very well like to clear that up. I thought it was a joke. But.. that’s Hollywood for ya’. [ sarcastic ] And, boy, I love Hollywood – okay, I have a few problems with Hollywood. Like Heidi Fleiss. How can they prosecute anyone in Hollywood for prostitution? Everyone is a prostitute in Hollywood! [ audience applauds thunderously ] Oh, yeah, right – Heidi is guilty.. but O.J. will be home in time for CHRISTMAAAASSS!! You know, the only judge who could find O.J. innocent is Clarence Thomas. [ audience goes nuts at the thought ] And he already has a job.

So there’s just way too much hype in the news, and it just has all of you fooled. That’s why you have a Republican Congress now. [ audience applauds wildly ] ‘Cause y’all see Arnold Schwartzenegger standing next to a Republican candidate, so you go: “Well, the Terminator likes him – he must be storng on defense.” [ audience applauds wildly ] Wake UP! Don’t let show business elect your government, because everything in Hollywood is just a big, fat lie! Okay? Nobody is married because they’re in love with each other – the’re just married because it’s too expensive to get a divorce! [ light, confused laughter from the audience ] And all the guys who pretend to be these big family men – Heid Fleiss knows them. [ audience laughs ] And half of you movie stars in Hollywood – stop pretending that you’re faithful! And the other half – stop pretending that you’re not gay! [ audience applauds wildly ]

Yeah, I can already hear all the critics. [ mimicking a whiny critic ] “Well, if she hates Hollywood so much, why doesn’t she just leaaaave?” You know, I don’t hate all the critics – just you first-year penmanship students who always come out to critique the political content of my ass, okay? You just don’t GET IT.. and you NEVER will! [ light wild applause from the audience ] If you had any talent, you would go write that novel you’ve been talking about, instead of writing the Gossip column for People Magazine! [ audience applauds ] I mean, I hate that guy. He writes: “Well, Roseanne lives her life in the public eye..” Well, if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have a job! So get off my AAAAASSSSSS!! [ audience applauds wildly ]

Oh, and by the way, I’ve just been artificially inseminated. And I have sixteen babies inside of me! And that oughtta keep “Hard Copy” on forever! [ laughs ] And it was not painful, just so you know. It was just a little prick, kind of like having sex with Tom.. [ audience applauds wildly ] And it only took a minute! [ audience applauds wilder still ]

So, it’s gonna be a great show! So, stick around – Green Day is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts