[ show mystery car hidden under a white sheet blowing from the breeze of an interior fan ]
Announcer: Can a single luxury car be both the most spacious and the most compact on the market? Lexon asks you to consider a paradox.
Female Voiceover: Paradox..
Announcer: Introducing the all-new Lexon Paradox. Smaller than the competition, yet bigger.
Female Voiceover: We are through the looking glass..
[ show two groups of Lexon engineers standing on opposite sides of the screen ]
Announcer: This remarkable automobile is the synthesis of the work of two teams of Lexon engineers. Team A was asked to decrease the size of Lexon’s most popular model.. while Team B searched for ways to make it bigger.
Announcer: While one team made Paradox the most expensive car in the world.. another made it the most affordable.
Announcer: One designed the Paradox to be an elegant, white luxury Sedan.
Female Voiceover: White Sedan..
Announcer: The others, a sporty red Coupe.
Female Voiceover: Red Coupe..
Announcer: One team gave it incredible stopping power.. the other gave it no brakes of any kind.
Announcer: One team was asked to give the Paradox four doors.. another designed it to have only two.. while still another gave it six doors.. and the final team, one gigantic all-purpose door.
Female Voiceover: One.. big.. door..
Announcer: And, while one team gave the Paradox dual airbags.. another designed it to shatter on impact, throwing passengers up to 300 yards.
Female Voiceover: Very, very dangerous..
Announcer: The new Paradox. The best car money can buy.
[ open on exterior, Garfield Elementary School ]
[ dissolve to interior, elementary school cafeteria, as married couples and a pair of mischievious voyeurs sit at tiny tables with their attention focused on Jimmy and Patti, Adult Sex Education teachers dressed only in white bathrobes ]
Jimmy: I want to welcome you all to the Making Better Love workshop.. part of the ongoing adult education program here at Paramus..
Patti: And, once again, we’d like to thank Garfield Elementary for the use of this space.
Jimmy: Yes, that’s wonderful. Um.. my name is Jimmy, and this is my wife Patti.
Patti: Hi, folks!
Jimmy: And, as our flyers indicated, this is a free seminar. Um.. our goal here is.. well, to explore one another’s sensuality.. uh.. open up the lines of communication between yourselves and your partners.. and do that all through sexual exploration.
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
Voyeur #2: Woo-ooh-ooh! Get to work!
Voyeur #1: Hoot hoot hoot! Rack ’em up!!
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: [ not yet disturbed by the outbursts ] Well.. we seem to have a rather enthusiastic crowd tonight.
Patti: Yes, we do! I think we have a great cross-section of the community, including some faces that might not otherwise be involved with continuing education.
Jimmy: I think you’re right.
Patti: Uh-huh!
Jimmy: You know, I think there is one thing I should say before we begin, however. Um.. last week’s get-together was.. well.. slightly marred by a few no-goodniks.. uh, who showed up to be comedians, apparently. Uhh.. hopefully, we won’t have a repeat of that nonsense, and we can proceed in an atmosphere of mutual respect. [ notices a waving hand ] Yes?
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
Voyeur #2: [ lowers his hand ] Show us you boobs!
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Patti: [ sighs ]
Jimmy: Okay.. um.. uh..
Patti: [ beginning the class ] Well, now, uh.. the first step toward making better love is.. getting “in the mood.” And I find that I like a little red wine and some soft music.
Jimmy: Yes! Uh.. I also like soft music. But, instead of wine, I opt for a bowl of tomato soup and a balogna sandwich. Um.. followed by something I like to call “El Dance de Seductionne”. It goes like this – literally, it’s a seduction dance! [ dances seductively ]
Patti: Now, right now.. I’m getting very aroused.
Jimmy: [ coughing ] Okay.. I’m gonna have to stop, though.. because my stomach’s a little iffy from some, um.. improperly refridgerated catfish that I had a little earlier this afternoon. Film at eleven on that one, folks!
Voice of Voyeur #2: Hey, du-u-ude..?
Jimmy: Yes, sir.
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
Voyeur #2: Whip it OUT!!
Voyeur #1: LET’s see that thing!!
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: Let’s not have any of that.. Well, after the Seduction Dance, um.. Patti should be just about “in the mood.” [ clears throat ] Patti? Are you “in the mood”?
Patti: Oh, yes! Let’s do it! Let’s do it now!
Jimmy: No! Not yet.
Patti: You bastard!
Jimmy: [ laughs, then turns to the learning couples ] Okay! I know what you’re all thinking: Why is he tormenting and teasing the woman he claims to love? But please understand, this is just a game. A very sexy.. sexy.. game.
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
[ ]
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: [ flustered ] Uhh.. okay. Well, uh.. I guess.. um.. at this point, um.. Patti and I are now going to make love. [ Patti removes her bathrobe and lays out of view on the floor, as Jimmy notices Voyeur #2’s camera ] Oh! I see you brought a camera. Are you going to be taking snapshots?
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
Voyeur #2: Just SHUT UP and DO IT, Jasper!!
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: Okay, well, uh.. you’re right – enough fat-chewing, let’s.. get right to it. Shall we? [ removes his bathrobe and leans down upon Patti ] Okay. Here we go. Now.. the first thing I like to do it locate Patti’s breasts.. [ quickly finds them ] and, howdy-do, there they are! Right where they should be! Can everyone see?
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
Voyeur #1: Yeaaaahhh, baby!! Oh, YEAAAHHHH!!!
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: Okay now.. you want to squeeze those breasts, ever so gently, kind of.. well, maybe like you’re kneading dough, or.. maybe you’re playing with Silly Putty or what not..
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
Voyeur #2: HOOONKK HOOONKK!!
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: [ upset ] Okay, now who SAID that?! [ stands up, covering himself in his bathrobe ] This is the kind of childishness I’m talking about here! Implying that my wife’s breasts are bicycle horns! They are not! Now, can we please continue? [ removes his bathrobe and leans over Patti again ] I’m gonna get right to insertion now.. Patti, are.. are you ready?
Patti: Yes, I am and.. thank you for asking!
Jimmy: Okay, now.. for me.. insertion is a very tranquil.. well.. almost religious moment.
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
Voyeur #1: Ride ’em, partner!! [ laughs ]
Voyeur #2: Ee-hah!
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: Okay! again,, we’re having a problem here! I am not a cowboy, nor is my wife a horse! We are simply two people trying to make love in an elementary school cafeteria! So, please.. we can either stop right now – because I’ll tell you right now, Patti and I can do this at home!
Patti: And on occasion, we do!
Jimmy: Yes. Thank you, honey. So, what’s it gonna be?
[ cut to Voyeurs’ table ]
Voyeur #1: No! We’ll be good.
Voyeur #2: Please.. just do it..
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: Alright, then. [ removes his bathrobe and leans in on Patti ] Okay. So, here we go, alrighty.. and.. insertion! [ a satisfied look on his face ] Okay. And the lovemaking has commenced. Now.. you want to keep movement to an absolute minimum here, because- [ jumps up ] Okay! We’re done! Okay! [ Jimmy and Patti stand and cover themselves in their bathrobes ] Well.. that was nice. Uh.. any questions? [ a hand is raised ] Yes.
[ cut to Husband and Wife’s table ]
Wife: We were at the session last week..
Jimmy: Uh-huh.
Wife: And, um.. our question was about the beer bottle. We got home, and we really didn’t understand it.. and we were just confused..
[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]
Jimmy: Uh-huh. Well, I think I can answer that. Uh.. the beer bottle was actually something that was thrown at us. Uh.. that’s not a sexual device, per se..
Husband: That explains a lot!
Jimmy: Yeah, sure. Okay.. well.. now it’s time for what seems to be the most popular part of our seminar. Um.. where we invite you to come up here and make love to either myself or Patti. So.. Okay..
Patti: [ her mouth opens wide ] The meter! I forgot to put a quarter in the meter! [ quickly exits the cafeteria ]
Jimmy: Oh, geez! Oh, okay.. Patti’s gotta run.. um.. I’m sorry. You know what? We’re gonna have to cancel the audience participation, uh.. tonight.. But thank you for coming. If you enjoyed the seminar, please tell a friend.
[ the couples slowly exit the cafeteria, except for the two voyeurs who approach Jimmy while unbuckling their pants ]
Jimmy: Oh.. fellas, Patti left. She’s not here.
Voyeur #1: We don’t neeed no Patti! [ eraps his arm around Jimmy ]
Jimmy: Okay.. uh.. I don’t know whether this gonna be healthy and fun, or scary and dangerous!
[ the two voyeurs sandwich Jimmy in between them ]
Jimmy: Uhhh.. please remember the Dance de Seductionne..!
Voyeur #2: HOOONKK HOOONKK!!
Jimmy: Sir, that’s not a horn!!
[ dissolve to exterior, Garfield Elementary School; fade ]
Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken Michael Jackson…..Tim Meadows Lisa Marie Presley…..Marisa Tomei
Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.
Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.
Stuart Smalley: [To a mirror beside the couch.] I’m going to do a terrific show today, and I’m gonna help people, because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me. [Turns to audience.] Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley, and I thought I’d start today’s show by reading a letter, a little affirmation that came to me through the mail. “Dear Stuart, the last few months I’ve had the opportunity to watch your show regularly, and I really want to thank you for the show on anger. It helped me realize that I have a lot of inappropriate rage, and sometimes it comes out all sideways. With gratitude, O. J. S.” Isn’t that beautiful? Okay, I have a great show today. My guests are newlyweds, who have overcome severely dysfunctional backgrounds, to forge a beautiful, happy, healthy, loving, intimate relationship. Please welcome Michael J. and Lisa Marie P.
[Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley enter and kiss each other.]
Stuart Smalley: Oh, that is . . that is just beautiful. Touching, lovely. Have a seat. Now, even though I used your initials to protect your anonymity, everyone pretty much knows who you are. Lisa, of course, is the daughter of the King, Elvis P., and Lisa, you look beautiful.
Lisa Marie Presley: Thank you. That must be because I’m so very much in love. [An awkward silence fills the room.] He has a monkey.
Stuart Smalley: Uh-huh. And Michael, of course, has been one of our hugest singing stars since his days with the Jackson F.
Michael Jackson: Stuart, Lisa Marie and I love your show. Sometimes we’ll just take a day off and lie in bed together and watch tapes of your show. That is, when we’re not doing the nasty.
Stuart Smalley: It is so rare to see a couple kids so head over heels in love with each other. You know, your marriage is a real inspiration. It gives all of us hope.
Lisa Marie Presley: We have a Ferris wheel on our front lawn.
Michael Jackson: Excuse me, Stuart. Girl, you wake up the devil in me.
Lisa Marie Presley: Yum, yum, gimme some.
[The two kiss again.]
Stuart Smalley: Oh, that is just . . . I’m getting chills. Beautiful. Well, let’s get back to the triumphs over dysfunction. Lisa, I know this – I’m not telling you tales out of school when I say that your father was . . had a problem with drugs, and I think we all remember the report coming over the radio: Elvis Presley died today, straining at his stool. Lisa, how did that make you feel?
Lisa Marie Presley: Bad. He’s got the elephant man’s bones, or most of them!
Stuart Smalley: Uh-huh. Okay, but now you’ve overcome all that, you have this wonderful relationship. Let me ask you something, Lisa. You ever get a little jealous, you know, you’re walking around Hollywood, and you run into, you know, Brooke Shields?
Michael Jackson: Well, actually Brooke’s with Andre Agassi now. And believe you and me, Andre’s getting some fine lovin’.
Lisa Marie Presley: I met Macaulay Culkin.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Now Michael, later you became addicted yourself to pain pills which you started using after the “Pepsi fire”.
Michael Jackson: But now I’m off the pills and I’m high on love. Girl?
Lisa Marie Presley: Yum, yum, gimme some!
[Once again, the couple begins to kiss.]
Stuart Smalley: Okay, please, I’m sorry, please stop. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I just thought that having you on the show would give me some hope, but now I’m just realizing that I’m never gonna find anyone as perfect for me as you are for each other. And let’s face it, I’m gonna die homeless and penniless. I’m 20 pounds overweight and no one will ever love me.
Michael Jackson: I’ll marry you.
Stuart Smalley: [stunned] What?
Michael Jackson: Huh? I mean, uh, Lisa?
Lisa Marie Presley: Yum, yum, gimme some!
[They start kissing.]
Stuart Smalley: Okay, I think the show’s over. It’s getting a little creepy. But that’s okay, because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and-
[Lisa Marie taps on Stuart’s shoulder.]
Lisa Marie Presley: You know what?
Stuart Smalley: What?
Lisa Marie Presley: He has a llama.
Announcer: This has been today’s “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”.
… Norm MacDonald … Mike Myers … Tim Meadows Cool Guy … David Spade
[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, straightening itup and removing the paper clip from his well-organizedsheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald and this– [holds up his sheaf of papers] — is thenews.
Potential jurors for the O. J. Simpson case were askedto fill out a seventy-five page jury questionnairethis week. In the entire state of California, only oneperson got a perfect score, Chow Ming Woo [Photo oflittle Asian boy] … who after the trial plans toattend Cal Tech. …
O. J. Simpson’s new fitness video was released thisweek. And, hitting the shelves next week, Simpson’snewest video, “Dorf on Stalking.” [Doctored photo of”Dorf on Golf” video with Simpson’s head superimposedon Dorf’s tiny body] … [some boos, some cheers andapplause, Norm grins] Uh huh. The crowd istorn. … [cheers and applause]
[Graphic of news article detailing pneumonic plagueoutbreak in India] Tourism in India has taken adramatic drop recently. The State Bureau of Tourismhas two theories. One: air fares have gone up slightlyin the past year causing a decrease in travelworldwide. And two: The plague. …[applause]
In New York this week, Sammy “The Bull” Gravano wassentenced to just five years in prison for committingnineteen murders. He better be careful though, becauseNew York has just passed a tough new law: twentystrikes and you’re out. … [applause]
Four Pittsburgh children were found in a house strewnwith garbage and human waste after they’d beenabandoned by their parents for two weeks. The couplewas charged with child endangerment. But, to theircredit, they did bring the children a present — aT-shirt that reads: “My parents left me for two weeksin a house full of human waste and all I got was thislousy T-shirt.” … [cheers and applause]
A comet hit the planet Jupiter last July andscientists now say the dark scars have almostcompletely disappeared. But the emotional scars willbe there for a long, long time. …
Ford this week recalled two models of cars saying thatthey might explode during refueling. At Ford, qualityis Job One. And Job Two: “Making your carexplode.” …
In sports, the National Hockey League board ofgovernors rejected a late Thursday proposal by theplayers, clearing the way for Commissioner GaryBettman to postpone the start of the upcoming season.Now, here, with a detailed analysis is Saturday NightLive hockey correspondent and hockey fan MikeMyers.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Mike Myers whowears a cap and a Toronto Maple Leafs jacket.]
Mike Myers: Thanks, Norm! Thanks, Norm. [pause,very upset] It’s stupid. It’s just so stupid![pause] Back to you, Norm.
[Mike Myers smiles broadly as we pan back over to asurprised Norm. Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Mike Myers – with a – detailedanalysis. …
What’s it like to lose thirty-five million dollars?Just ask Dale Sturtevant of Honesdale, Pennsylvania.That’s how much he lost this week at a localconvenience store when he failed to guess any of thesix winning numbers in the state’s Pick Six lottery.When reached for comment by Weekend Update, Sturtevantreplied, “Why are you making such a big deal out ofthis? I bought a three dollar Lotto ticket, it didn’twin. Why can’t you leave me alone?” …
Now, with more on that hockey postponement, here isWeekend Update correspondent Tim Meadows. Tim?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Tim Meadows ina suit and tie.]
Tim Meadows: Thank you. Thank you. The baseballstrike I can deal with. But when it comes to hockey,nobody, and I mean nobody, is a bigger fan than me. Infact, around here, my nickname is “Little Hockey.” …Watch this. [waves to someone off screen] Hey,guys!
Off Screen Guys: Hey, Little Hockey!
Tim Meadows: See? … [increasingly upset] Whatam I supposed to now that there is no hockey? Watchbasketball? No. I’m sorry, it’s not gonna happen. …But forget about me. What about African-American kidsall over the country? … They need their heroes. Ifan African-American kid can’t look up to a MarioLemieux or Mark Messier or Mario Roberge or a GuyCarbonneau or … or Patrick Roy … who canhe look up to? … I swear to God, there are only afew things that get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism andno hockey! … So, come on, you owners and players, Ineed my hockey. Like I need air or water or food orclothing or whatever. You don’t want to make me mad!Because when I get mad, I get stomach pains. Back toyou, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: Tim Meadows! [cheers andapplause as Norm shakes Tim’s hand] Good job,buddy.
Tim Meadows: Thanks. [Tim continues tosteam]
Norm MacDonald: Tim – Tim “Little Hockey”Meadows. [Tim waves to the crowd as we cut back toNorm]
Christie Brinkley told reporters this week that hermarriage to Billy Joel was over long before theirdivorce. The key moment, she said, came when sherealized that she was Christie Brinkley and that shewas married to Billy Joel. … [cheers andapplause]
This week, Disney released a new CD featuring arapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CDwill not include the controversial hit single “CatKiller.” …
And, in a related story, this week marked the 5,000thperformance of the Broadway musical “Cats.” It alsomarked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife andsaid, “What the hell is this?” …[applause]
The Food and Drug Administration announced today thatwhile one ounce of Special K with four ounces of milkis a good dietary source of protein, one ounceof Special K with five ounces of milk is deadlypoison. …
Seventy per cent of diners polled this week said thereshould be no smoking in restaurants. And eighty percent of diners said that restaurants should give awaytheir food for free. …
Fashion designer Giorgio Armani confessed last week tobribing Italian tax officials. He was sentenced to -He was sentenced to six months of wearing brown shoeswith a blue suit. …
And now with a look back at the week in review is newUpdate correspondent Cool Guy. Cool Guy?
[Cheers and applause for Cool Guy, a long-haired, gumchewing cigarette smoker who wears sunglasses andblack leather. To the accompaniment of Pearl Jam’s”Alive,” he flicks his burning cigarette toward theaudience and removes his sunglasses.]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Cool Guy, you couldahurt someone by flicking your cigarette into the crowdlike that. [Cool Guy scratches mouth and looks awayindifferently]
Oh, I see. You’re too cool to care, is that it? [CoolGuy winks, clicks his tongue] …
Yeah. Now, uh, I heard you saw the movie TerminalVelocity this week — how did – how did you like that?[Cool Guy winces while bowing his head] …
Yeah, I felt the same way. So, uh, how does NastassjaKinski look? Pretty hot, huh? [Cool Guy slowly nods,pursing his lips in agreement] …
Yeah, but how’s her acting? [Cool Guy raises hiseyebrows and grits his teeth as if in pain, shakinghis head slightly] …
Ohhhh – oh ho ho … Now, uh, now, Cool Guy, whatabout that Charlie Sheen? I hear he’s off the saucenow. [Cool Guy rolls his eyes] …
Geez, I – I heard he was. Uh, so how does helook in the movie? [Cool Guy puffs out his cheeks] …
Ohh. You know, he’s here tonight. [Cool Guy, startled,looks around nervously] …
No, no, he’s not. But, ah, that’s funny when I trickedyou there, huh, Cool Guy? [Cool Guy gives Norm asarcastic smile] …
So let me ask you, Cool Guy, is, uh, is this the wholejoke, I mean, you just do this? You talk and– Youdon’t talk and you make funny faces, is that the wholeidea? [Cool Guy thinks it over, reluctantly shrugs andnods, then, with a circular motion of his hand,signals Norm to continue] …
Oh, okay, back to me. So, uh, listen, off the record,do you think by acting cool up here you may trick somegirls into thinking you’re cool in real life andpossibly score with them?
Cool Guy: [after a pause, very quietly]Possibly.
Norm MacDonald: I got ya. If it happens, ithappens, right? I hear that. All right, Cool Guy,ladies and gentleman.
[Cheers and applause as Cool Guy puts on hissunglasses and exits to Pearl Jam’s “Alive”]
Visitors to New York’s Time Square this winter are infor a bit of a surprise. Crazy people will be shootingat them. …
Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany wherehis series “Baywatch” celebrated its 100th straightweek as the nation’s top TV show. Which once againproves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff….
And, finally, John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be anadult film star. He has been signed to play himself in”The John Wayne Bobbitt Story.” The part of hissevered penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore. …[cheers and applause]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 20: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 15th, 1994 John Travolta Seal None David L. Lander Steve Buscemi None “Stayin’ Alive”Summary: The “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack follows John Travolta as he walks around backstage before the show. Transcript
Montage
John Travolta’s MonologueSummary: John Travolta claims he doesn’t want to relive his old roles now that he has “Pulp Fiction” to promote, but various props from those films have their way of falling into his hands. Transcript
Bathroom MonkeySummary: Live monkeys with minds all their pwn help keep a woman’s (Janene Garofalo) bathroom spotless. Transcript
Coffee TalkSummary: Linda Richman (Mike Myers) chats amicably with a Barbra Streisand impersonator (John Travolta). Recurring Characters: Linda Richman. Transcript
Dracula’s Not GaySummary: Count Dracula’s (John Travolta) potential victims (Kevin Nealon, Janene Garafalo) mistake his flamboyant hospitality as a gay affront. Transcript
Seal performs “Prayer For The Dying”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Two Guys From A Religious Cult (David Spade, Chris Farley). Recurring Characters: Two Guys From A Religious Cult.
Quentin Tarantino’s “Welcome Back, Kotter”Summary: Mr. Kotter (Mike Myers), Vinnie Barbarino (John Travolta) and the Sweathogs (Adam Sandler, David Spade, Tim Meadows), Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) and Lenny (Michael McKean) and Squiggy (Davis L. Lander) infuse gang violence upon Mr. Woodman (Jay Mohr). Transcript
Women’s Self-DefenseSummary: In order to practice protecting themselves in public, women taking a self-defense class repeatedly kick a male volunteer (Chris Elliott) in his genitals.
Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Kevin Nealon) literally lets the great Marlon Brando (John Travolta) walk all over him in order to get an exclusive interview at his home. Recurring Characters: Larry King, Marlon Brando. Transcript
Seal performs “Crazy”
Small OfficeSummary: Two employees (Chris Farley, Tim Meadows) come to blows after their boss (John Travolta) forces them to share a small office together.
Deaf Drug DealerSummary: Drug dealer (John Travolta) gets involved in shouting arguments because he mishears everything said to him.
[ An elevator door opens. CLOSE-UP on the shoes. CAMERA moves up to reveal JOHN TRAVOLTA. Decked in black suit and t-shirt, he begins to stroll down the hallway. The Bee Gees “Stayin’ Alive” begins. John passes three female extras in costumes and smirks at them. He approaches a female NBC PAGE at her desk. The music stops. ]
John Travolta: Hi!
NBC Page: Hi, Mr. Travolta!
John Travolta: Could you tell me where the bathroom is?
NBC Page: Actually, you were just down by that way – you passed it by the elevators.
John Travolta: Ah! Okay?
[ CAMERA zooms on Travolta’s shoes. He beings his stroll to “Stayin’ Alive” again. He passes the extras again and kindly greets them. John locates the men?s restroom and enters. The music stops. A pair of similar shoes exits and the music starts again, but the camera goes up to reveal writer FRED WOLF. Fred’s shocked and races off. The CAMERA goes back to the restroom door and the correct pair of shoes exit. “Stayin’ Alive” resumes and John proceeds down the hallway. He gets lost and stops as does the music. He approaches the female extras. ]
John Travolta: Excuse me, do you know where the dressing rooms are?
[ A female extra points down to the stage entrance. ]
Extra: There down that way?
[ CAMERA focuses on his shoes and the Bee Gees music begins again. John’s shoes approach the NBC Page’s desk. ]
John Travolta: Could I get the key to my dressing room?
NBC Page: I don?t have it. I think I gave it to you.
John Travolta: You gave it to me?
NBC Page: Yeah? maybe you left it in the men?s room.
John Travolta: How much time do I have?
[ She looks at her watch. ]
NBC Page: About a minute and a half.
John Travolta: Oh man!
[ John bolts to the men’s room. “Stayin’ Alive” speeds up but goes to normal speed as he slows down to gracefully walk past the extras but rushes to high speed as John rushes to the bathroom. After a few moments, John comes out of the restroom and runs down the hallway. ]
Joe Dicso (V/O): Slow down, John! Slow down! Relax, relax. You got plenty of time.
[ John goes to a casual stroll and the song goes to slow motion before stopping altogether. ]
Joe Dicso (V/O): 20 seconds!
[ John nears the stage entrance with stage manager JOE DICSO at his side. ]
Joe Dicso: John, you better not stand here. We got scenery coming through.
John Travolta: Sorry.
[ CAMERA goes down to his shoes. The last few bars of “Stayin’ Alive” play. ]
Joe Dicso (V/O): Okay we?re about to start! On air in 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1!
[ John drops his body to the ground and closes up on the CAMERA. ]
John Travolta: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers Barbra Streisand…..John Travolta
Announcer: Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Linda Richman.
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, daughters, dogs. Normally, it’s no big whoop. But today there’s big news. Barbra, Barbra, Barbra! (holds up three things) Her CD, her video, and her article in Vanity Fair. So in honor of that, with me today, hand to God, strike me if I’m wrong. Barbra Streisand!
Barbra Streisand: You look gorgeous Linda.
Linda Richman: Now, if you don’t believe me. Let’s get a close up of this (camera closes in on drivers license) It’s her driver’s license. Barbra Streisand Six-foot, one-inch weight: 185 lbs.
Barbra Streisand: That’s right. I had my name legally changed, I had a little plastic surgery, and that was it.
Linda Richman: I want plastic surgery. I would love to have my neck lypoed. I’m starting to get a chicken neck. A woman my age should not look like poultry. Frank Purdue called for my number. Colonel Sanders put me on his speed dial.
Barbra Streisand: I think you look like buttah.
Linda Richman: Barbra here has her own one woman show and don’t tell mama it’s called “Color Me Barbra.”
Barbra Streisand: Yes, and I’m trying to wear the same sailor’s suit that I wore in my TV special in 1964 called “Color Me Barbra.” It sets a type of homage to myself.
Linda Richman: That’s a beautiful thing. I, however, am wearing the same top I wore to have a sebaceous cyst removed from my forehead. P.S.: Long story short. How long have you been impersonating Barbra?
Barbra Streisand: I don’t impersonate her. I am her.
Linda Richman: Okay dokey, I can play that game. So what did you think of Barbra’s – I mean your – article in Vanity Fair? You looked to die for.
Barbra Streisand: Thanks, thanks. People seem to love it. But I think people that don’t need people are the luckiest people in the world.
Linda Richman: You know it made me so happy to read in the article that you were finally able to tell your mother “I love you.” There I go, I’m all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. Ralph Fiennes’ name is neither spelled Rayph nor Fines. Discuss! There I feel better. Let’s go to the phones, the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk no big whoop. Hello?
Caller #1: Hello Barbra, what are you going to do for your next movie?
Barbra Streisand: Well, I want to do a movie on the differences between men and women. I want to be the kind of strong woman who can say to a man: “How dare you, you as a man, speak to me, me as a woman! I think you’re full of crap!”
Linda Richman: That’s a hard piece. Let me ask you something. Do you still have a pee-pee or do you tuck it?
Barbra Streisand: Well, why don’t you come down and check for yourself by coming to Don’t Tell Mama’s Thursday through Sunday. I’m on after the Larry Stort Show.
Linda Richman: Sure, I’ll be there. Our number is 555-4444 give us a call. Hello?
Caller #2: Yeah, Barbra, I think you’re the greatest superstar there ever was. It’s disgusting when they print bad things about you.
Barbra Streisand: Thank you, I feel.. I feel your love. But I think they’re jealous. I do. I mean there’s only one of me and let them walk a mile in my shoe.
Linda Richman: You should forgive me, but anyone who says anything bad about you should stick their head in the ground and act like an onion Sta staligize ziebe zieble sie koppen dradt (yiddish)
Barbra Streisand: From your mouth to God’s ears.
Linda Richman: A bunch of mitz a metz a sebuzu provitzu a sessu a rockmunhez aun a scheinelmeidel..
[ a dark and stormy night: open on interior, Count Dracula’s castle, to find the Count sitting at his table with a Male and Female Guest ]
Male Guest: Count, once again, we want to thank you for your hospitality.
Female Guest: Yes. Are you sure we’re not imposing by staying the night?
Count Dracula: Oh, no, not at all. I find your company.. most delightful. And tomorrow, when the weather improves, you can.. continue your journey. But tonight, you are mine! Now, if you will excuse me for a moment.. [ he leaves the table, eying a bloodthirsty glance at his “guests” ]
Female Guest: He certainly is a very elegant man.
Male Guest: Yeah. But don’t you think there’s something weird about the guy?
Female Guest: He’s a little eccentric..
[ the Count slowly returns to the room, ready to strike upon his prey ]
Male Guest: Oh, he’s a little more than eccentric, honey.. I mean, put it together – staying up all night, the outfi, that weird accent of his.. those screams. The guy is definitely a fruit! He’s gay!
[ the Count quickly shirks out of the room, shocked by the accusation ]
Female Guest: Alright, so he’s gay. So what?
Male Guest: I’m just saying, there’s something weird about him. I mean, I don’t see a Countess around, or anything. Put two and two together..
[ the Count returns to his guests ]
Count Dracula: Uh.. since we are destined to become friends, I think you should know more about me. Perhaps you have formed the wrong impression of me. Allow me to correct..
[ the Count’s idiot servant, Renfield, interrupts the party ]
Renfield: Count? Count? I’ve prepared the spare bedroom for the guests.
Count Dracula: Oh, well, thank you. [ to his guests ] Let me introduce Renfield.
Female Guest: Nice to meet you, Renfield. Do you live here in the castle as well?
Renfield: Yeah. For over twenty years. The Count has been very good to me. He takes me when he travels, and he cuts my hair, and he buys me..
Count Dracula: Enough, Renfield! Don’t you have something else to do? [ Renfield leaves quietly ]
Female Guest: So, uh.. how long have you and Renfield been together?
Count Dracula: Now, what do you mean by that?
Feale Guest: Um.. how long has he been your companion?
Count Dracula: What are you implying, that Renfield and I are lovers? That’s absurd! First of all, he is my servant. And secondly, I am not gay! I mean, I am man of many secrets, but humping a mental defective is not one of them!
Male Guest: Okay. Whatever. You don’t have to explain..
Count Dracula: [ annoyed ] You don’t believe me, do you? Renfield! Renfield! [ Renfield re-enters ] Tell them that we are not gay. Go on.
Renfield: [ whispering ] The thing is, I am gay.
Count Dracula: [ shocked ] What?!
Renfield: Yeah, I’m gay.
Count Dracula: [ to his guests ] Well, I had no idea! I mean, he lives at the other end of the castle. Why should I know what he does? I don’t even care! Get out of here, Renfield! [ Renfield runs off ] Now, listen, I do not behave like most men, it’s true. But you must believe me, I am a vampire! I’m not gay. I suck human blood!
Male Guest: Sure, Count. Whatever.
Female Guest: Yeah. You know, your sexual preference is your business. We respect that. Honestly.
Count Dracula: [ exasperated ] You still don’t believe me! Okay, watch. Watch this, I’ll turn into a bat!
[ the Count walks out of the window and disappears. The Couple look out the window to see what happens. ]
Male Guest: Wow! Look at that!
Female Guest: Unbelieveable! He turned into a bat! He is a vampire!
Male Guest: Hey, there’s another bat! It’s another male bat! Oh, my God! They’re doing it!
Female Guest: Wow, are you sure that’s a male?
Male Guest: Yeah. Look at the red markings on the wings. Boy.. he’s really giving it to the Count!
[ a flash of light appears, as the Couple move back to let the Count flutter back through the window ]
Count Dracula: [ dismayed ] Oh, God! I don’t know what that was! I know this looks bad.. but I didn’t even know there were gay bats!
Male Guest: Maybe it was Renfield.
Count Dracula: No, no.. Renfield’s not a vampire. He’s just an idiot I hired out of pity. Why do you persist in thinking that we are sexually involved?
Female Guest: No, really.. it’s not important to us..
Male Guest: Yeah..
Count Dracula: [ grabbing a deck of cards off of a shelf ] Look.. let me show you.. Look, there are playing cards with naked women on them. Why would I have these if I were homosexual? It doesn’t make sense!
[ the door opens behind the couple, as the Wolfman enters ]
Wolfman: Hi! Listen, I’m sorry to interrupt. I know I’m the world’s biggest pest. But I’ve gotta borrow your pastry brush! Don’t mind about me, I’m not even here!
Count Dracula: Now, if you want gay, that’s gay!
Male Guest: Yeah.. but you two seem to know each other pretty well.
Count Dracula: Yes, he’s a friend of mine. You see, dear man, I am secure in my masculinity, unlike you, who is obsessed with it! Now, I’m sick of it! Both of you, get out of here!
Male Guest: You can’t send us out there with that gay bat flying around.
Count Dracula: Look, if you don’t leave at once, I will suck your blood!
Male Guest: I bet you’d like that!
Count Dracula: [ angry ] Out!Both of you, get out!
[ the Couple quickly exit the castle ]
Wolfman: [ passing through ] Party’s over?
Count Dracula: Listen, did you know that Renfield was gay?
Wolfman: Duh! Are you kidding?
Count Dracula: [ intrigued ] Did the two of you ever..?
Wolfman: No! He’s totally not my type! It’s not like he didn’t try, though.
Count Dracula: Really?
Wolfman: Oh, yeah. He’s been coming on to everyone. Especially since he learned how to turn himself into a bat.
John Travolta: It’s been a great show. I want to thank Steve Buscemi and David Lander and to everyone else here. It’s been a really great week.
[ Janeane makes her way to Travolta. ]
Janeane Garofalo: John! What are we going to do after the show!?
Chris Farley: Yeah! Maybe we’re never going to see each other again!!!
John Travolta: Nah! That’ll never happen.
Seal: But John, how do you know?
John Travolta: “A WOP BA-BA LU-MOP!”
All: “A WOP BAM BOOM!!!”
[ Everyone starts dancing as the “Grease” soundtrack recording of WE GOT TOGETHER comes on. They all dance in unison towards the camera and into the audience. The “SNL” end credits beings. ]
All: [singing]“We go together like Rama lama lama Ke ding a de dinga a dong. Remembered forever like Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom. Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop! That’s the way it should be!! Wha oooh yeah!!!”
[ Travolta and Seal break away from the others, who start filtering in various sections of the audience to dance. ]
Cast: [singing]“We’re for each other like A wop ba-ba lu-mop and wop bam boom! Just like my brother is Sha na na na na na yip-pit-y dip de boom! Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop! We’ll always be together!! Wha oooh yeah!!!”
[ Travolta, in a T-Birds leather jacket and Seal, wearing a blonde wig like Olivia Newton-John during the “Grease” finale, are seated in a roofless red 1994 Ford Thunderbird, accessorized with flame decals on hood. Both are superimposed over Home Base as the car drives towards the camera. ]
Chorus: “We’ll always be together We’ll always be together Well always be together.”
[ Everyone returns back to Home Base. The song fades out as Howard Shore’s “Closing Theme (A Waltz in A)” cues in. ]
Mr. Kotter…..Mike Myers Julie Kotter…..Janene Garofalo Hit Man #1…..Chris Farley Hit Man #2…..Chris Elliot Barbarino…..John Travolta Epstein…..Adam Sandler Horshak…..David Spade Washington…..Tim Meadows Mr. Woodman…..Jay Mohr Lenny…..Michael McKean Squiggy…..David L. Lander Mr. Pink…..Steve Buscemi
[ open on interior, Mr. Kotter’s apartment, breakfast nook ]
Mr. Kotter: Hey, Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Herbie Kotter from Poughkeepsie?
Julie Kotter: [ unenthused ] Why, no, Gabe. Tell me about your Uncle Herbie from Poughkeepsie.
Mr. Kotter: Well, Uncle Herbie was sort of a hippie. He decided to go hitchhiking across the country. But no one would ever pick him up, so he decided to walk! He walked across New York.. he walked across Pennsylvania.. halfway across Ohio..
Julie Kotter: Why only halfway?
Mr. Kotter: Well.. one day this van pulls up with these two guys. They throw him into the van, and they give Herbie the most savage beating I ever heard. They.. they go medieval on his ass, with a pair of pliers! And the whole time, they’re singing that song by The Archies..
Julie Kotter: “Sugar, Sugar”?
Mr. Kotter: Yeah, yeah. So, the whole time Herbie’s laying there, it’s like: “Sugar..” [ mimicks punching ] “Sugar, Sugar..” [ mimicks more punching ]
[ suddenly, a pair of Hit Men rush into the apartment and point theirguns at Mr. Kotter’s face ]
Hit Man #2: Cool it, bitch! [ holds out his gun, but him and his buddy are suddenly gunned down from the window ]
[ the Sweathogs appear at the window, guns smoking fresh from the attack ]
Barbarino: [ near-hyperventilating ] Oh, my God, Mr. Kotter, I thought you was gonna die, I swear!
[ cut to standard “Welcome Back Kotter” opening sequence, John Sebastian singing “Welcome Back” ]
[ SUPER: Quentin Tarantino’s Welcome Back Kotter ]
[ “Welcome Back” scratches off, replaced by George Baker Selection’s “Little Green Bag” from the movie “Reservoir Dogs” ]
[ cut to the Sweathogs and Mr. Kotter walking through their Brooklynneighborhood like street punks, introduced one by one: Barbarino, Horshack, Washington, Epstein, and Mr. Kotter ]
[ music fades, cut to exterior, Brooklyn High School ]
[ fade to interior, Mr. Kotter’s classroom ]
Mr. Kotter: [ entering ] Good morning! Good morning! I want tothank you Sweathogs for saving my life this morning..
Epstein: Hey there! It’s the least we could do, there, Mr. Kotter!
Horshak: Mr. Kot-tare. We’ve got a sur-prise for you. Look! [ the Sweathogs move towards a cloth-covered lump in the middle of the classroom ] Frederick?
Washington: [ peels off the cloth to reveal Mr. Woodman underneath ] Hi, there!
Horshak: It’s Mr. Wood-man! [ smacks the struggling Mr. Woodmanacross the face ]
Mr. Kotter: Listen.. you can’t tie up your principal!
Epstein: It’s okay, there, Mr. Kotter! [ dances to the front ofthe classroom ] I got a note!
Mr. Kotter: [ takes the note and reads ] “Dear, Mr. Kot-tare. Please allow Juan and his friends to tie up Mr. Woodman, and go medieval on his ass. Signed, Epstein’s Mother.” [ to Woodman ] He’s got a note. Barbarino, take off his gag.
Barbarino: What?
Mr. Kotter: His gag.
Barbarino: Where?Mr. Kotter: His mouth Take off the gag.
Barbarino: Who?
Mr. Kotter: Mr. Woodman!
Barbarino: Alright! You don’t hafta shout. [ removes Woodman’s gag ]
Mr. Woodman: You’ll pay for this, Kotter! You and your Sweathogs! You better let me go, or I’ll kill you, Kotter!
Barbarino: Are you finished? [ puts gag back over Woodman’s mouth, ignoring his muffled screams ] Washington.
Washington: [ reaches down, picks up a container of gasoline, and pours it over the screaming Woodman ] Hi, there!
Mr. Kotter: You can’t light Mr. Woodman on fire! You’ll burn down the whole school!
Epstein: It’s okay, Mr. Kotter, I got another note!
Mr. Kotter: Would you get out of here with your notes!
[ Barbarino starts dancing to Stealer’s Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You” ]
Barbarino: You can scream all you want, Mr. Woodman.. but you’regonna die! I swear! [ singing ] I said, “Bar-bar-bar,bar-barbarino..” Hit it, Horshak.
Horshak: Mr. Wood-man. You don’t look so good! [ does his laugh ]
Mr. Kotter: [ lights match ] Sorry, Woodman. School’s out.
Epstein: Goodbye, there, Mr. Woodman. If there’s a bigger, moredisgusting person on this planet, I’d like to see it.
[ suddenly, Lenny and Squiggy from “Laverne & Shirley” enter the classroom, brandishing weapons of their own ]
Squiggy: Hello!
Lenny: Alright, nobody move! If one of you walks to me, everybody dies!
Barbarino: Hey! Up your nose with a rubber hoses!
Squiggy: Yeah? Well, up your gizzard with a rubber lizard!
Lenny: That’s good. Did you just make that up?
Squiggy: I made it up in the car..
[ Mr. Pink from “Reservoir Dogs” suddenly makes his entrance into theclassroom, pointing his gun at all of them ]
Mr. Pink: Okay! Up your hole with a mellow roll!
[ gunfire breaks loose everywhere, sending everyone to the floor, as the title superimposes onto the screen, and the show fades to black ]
Air Date:
