Category: 1997

Morning Latte

Cass van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Frank…..John Goodman

Announcer: Good morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte!”

Cass van Rye: Wooo! Yeah! Yeah!

Tom Wilkins: Good morning! Welcome to “Morning Latte”, I’m TomWilkins!

Cass van Rye: And I’m Cass van Rye.. I think. I think I’m Cass van Rye!

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, you are! You’re Cass van Rye! You’re Cass van Rye!

Cass van Rye: Uh huh! huh! huh!

Tom Wilkins: We’re having just way too much fun here! You see our new producer, Frank Leonard, went fishing over the weekend and..

Cass van Rye: Oh, no no no! Don’t you tell the story, you’re just going to start cracking up again! Frank, tell them the story. This is great! Frank!

Frank: Well, really it was nothing, I just decided to go fishing so I called up foue of my best buddies and..

Cass van Rye: Oh! (to Tom) Did you go?

Tom Wilkins: No, didn’t get a call. Yeah.

Frank: Well, we were out in the boat, and I realized I forgot the bait so I.. I used a Fig Newton and caught a catfish.

[ Tom and Cass release crazed laughter ]

Cass van Rye: How funny is that? Come on! Woo! A Fig Newton. It’s not just a cookie, it’s fruit and cake!

Tom Wilkins: I know what it is. Yeah. Uh, how big was the fish, Frank? Was it about this big? [ makes a wide gesture ]

Frank: Oh no really, it was just a two pounder at best.

Tom Wilkins: Two pounds, that’s a hefty fish!

Frank: Oh, no, no, that’s just a little fish..

Cass van Rye: But a Fig Newton, come on! Cake and cookie!

Tom Wilkins: So, Cass, how was your weekend? Did you and Eli finally see “Good Will Hunting”?

Cass van Rye: No, I did something even better. I saw “Spice World!”

Tom Wilkins: Ooooohh! That’s supposed to be good.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Hey Frank, have you seen “Spice World” yet?

Frank: I don’t know what that is.

Cass van Rye: Well, you know what I found myself saying after I saw this film? “Move over ‘Hard Days Night’!”

Frank: No kidding?

Cass van Rye: Yes, these gals are fabulous. Yeah, they have got more talent that anything out of Britain or England!

Tom Wilkins: Wow.. Wow.. I better get on the stick. Did Eli like this film?

Cass van Rye: No, he walked out, but I took my two nieces: Bridget Rose and Delila. I don’t have kids of my own, but I do have nieces!

Tom Wilkins: That’s right. You can’t have kids because you’re not able.

Cass van Rye: I can’t have children because my ovaries arecrossed. [ waves her hands ]

Tom Wilkins: They’re not like this, they’re like this! [ crosses arms ] You are barren! There’s no kids coming out of this Sahara Desert, no way!

Cass van Rye: No.. no.

Tom Wilkins: No fruit!

Cass van Rye: No fruit, no. I am barren! Case closed. Case closed So, what did you and Gail do this weekend? Were you guys gearing up for the Olympics?

Tom Wilkins: No, we’ve just been basically riveted to this Clinton story!

Cass van Rye: What story?

Tom Wilkins: That’s what I wanna.. Has anyone heard about this? Get this! They are accusing the president of having an affair with an intern gal.

Cass van Rye: What?!

Tom Wilkins: Did you read about this?

Cass van Rye: No, I don’t care for newspapers. But I do get my news from “Hard Copy”.

Tom Wilkins: Fair enough, fair enough. And some folks are accusing the president of perjury! Of course perjury meaning..

Cass van Rye: Oh, to make a payment. [ gestures ]

Tom Wilkins: Uh, no. No, actually, it means to lie under oath.

Cass van Rye: To lie. [ big gesture ] Lie.

Tom Wilkins: Now we’re supposed to believe he’s been sexual with this Lewinsky gal? You gotta be nuts!

Cass van Rye: Come on!

Tom Wilkins: Look at her! She’s heavy, am I wrong?

Cass van Rye: No, no she’s..

Tom Wilkins: She’s heavy!

Cass van Rye: She’s plump. She’s a stout gal. Frank, what’s your take on it?

Frank: I don’t think her weight has anything to do with it, she’s not that heavy.

Tom Wilkins: I mean, I mean.. maybe the president was trying to get milk from her cause she’s a cow! No, hey, come on, I’m not trying to be funny here.

Cass van Rye: No.

Tom Wilkins: She’s a fat, fat, fat cow!

Frank: By the way, these are just allegations, and a little note, I don’t know if it’s fair to compare a heavy person to a cow.. that’s just my opinion.

Tom Wilkins: You know, they are just allegations right now.

Cass van Rye: True, true.

Tom Wilkins: But she’s a fat tub of goo! And I’ll bet shesmells! That’s just my opinion.

Cass van Rye: You know, I’ll tell you something. I do not want to smell her. I do not want to go near there.

Tom Wilkins: No, no.

Frank: You guys want to tell them who we’ve got on the show today? They might find that interesting.

Cass van Rye: We have the Queen of Soul..

Together: Ms. Bernadette Peters! [ singing ] “You had to be a Big Shot! Didn’t you? You had to..”

Tom Wilkins: I love that song!

[ Frank steps up behind them ]

Cass van Rye: Woo! Everybody, our producer – Frank Leonard!

Frank: I brought my fish in to show you.

Together: Oh!

Tom Wilkins: Where’s the rest of it! I can’t believe how small this fish is!

Cass van Rye: Oh this isn’t a big fish, Frank!

Frank: I.. I.. I know, but..

Cass van Rye: This is not a big fish! You kept going on and on about a big fish and this is not a big fish! You were bragging and bragging about how..

Frank: [ screaming ] I never said it was a big fish, you stupid bitch!! [ pause ] I mean.. uh.. I’m just kidding! Here! Take it, it’s a gift!

Cass van Rye: Oh, Frank!

Tom Wilkins: Ha Ha Ha!

Cass van Rye: How funny is that! Coming up next, Bernadette Peters!

Together: [ singing ] “I am woman, hear me roar!”

[ fade ]

Thanks to Dustin of Saturday Night Live ’97-’98for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Monica Lewinsky/Linda Tripp Luncheon

Linda Tripp…..John Goodman
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Waiter…..Chris Kattan
Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd

[ SUPER: “Ritz Carlton Hotel, January 13th, 1998, Pentagon City, VA” ]

[ open on Linda Tripp seated at table, as Monica Lewinsky approaches ]

Linda Tripp: Monica! Monica Lewinsky! [ they hug, Linda’s fake flower/hidden microphone on her lapel emitting a high pitch ]

Monica Lewinsky: Ow!

Linda Tripp: You look nice.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, thank you! [ removes jacket ] It’s my lucky dress! [ they sit ]

Waiter: What can I get you two lovely ladies to drink?

Monica Lewinsky: [ looking ] I’ll have a Bartyle’s & James.

Linda Tripp: I’ll have a Bloody Mary and two Double A batteries. [ Waiter walks away – Linda cocks her head to speak into her fake flower ] So.. former White House intern Monica Lewinsky! Hmm.. I enjoyed talking to you last night about your numerous sexual trysts with President Bill Clinton.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, I’m really sorry about that. I really talked your ear off, huh? All those names, and dates, blah blah blah..

Linda Tripp: Well, actually, I was hoping we could talk about all that stuff again – but slowly, and a little bit louder.

Monica Lewinsky: You know, Linda, you have been such an amazing friend to me, and all I do is talk about myself. I want to hear what’s going on with you! Do you still want to get liposuction on your jowls?

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower, emitting a high pitch ] Let’s talk about something else. Tell me what Vernon Jordan said to you.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, my God! Okay, remember I told you that Vernon and I were talking? And he was giving me advice, and stuff?

Linda Tripp: Yes, yes. Go on. What did Vernon Jordan say?

Monica Lewinsky: He thinks you should get liposuction, too.

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower ] Anything else?

Monica Lewinsky: [ whispering ] He also said.. he doesn’t think that I should tell anybody about how Bill and I used to.. [ jumps ] Ow! Did you just kick me?!

[ Vernon Jordan pokes his head up from under the table ]

Linda Tripp: Vernon Jordan!

Vernon Jordan: Hello, Miss Tripp. [ to Monica ] Hello, you unidentified young lady. [ winks ] I was just searching for my contact lenses down here. [ in Monica’s ear ] Listen.. ixnay on the ellitio-fay. Or there’ll be no job at evlon-Ray. Enjoy your meal! [ stands and walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Damn, those Democrats and their secret languages!

[ Waiter returns with the drinks ]

Waiter: Here’s your Bloody Mary.. and here’s your Bartyles & James.

Monica Lewinsky: Thanks. I love BJs!

[ Waiter walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Now, Monica, tell me about the sexual liasions you have with Preisdent Clinton at the White House.

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. okay. Last time I saw Bill was, like, right after Thanksgiving. He had this private screening of that movie “Titanic”. God, it was wild. That thing was so big and so long. I couldn’t believe it took two full hours for it to go down! It really surprised me when it bent in the middle..

[ camera pans right to reveal Bob Dole sitting at a table in the rear. He turns to face the camera. ]

Bob Dole: [ shakes head ] Bob Dole would never let the American presidency sink to this level. You know it, Bob Dole knows it.. the American people should have known it!

[ camera pans back to Monica and Linda ]

Linda Tripp: ..Alright, enough about the movie. Did you have sexual relations with President Clinton?

Monica Lewinsky: We already talked about that, Linda – the night that you told me that you boned that guy from the Promise Keepers in the bathroom fo the Smithsonian! Did he ever call you back?

Linda Tripp: [ covers flower, high pitch ] Enough about me! Did Clinton ask you to lie?

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. I’m not supposed to say.

Linda Tripp: That’s it! [ grabs Monica, pulls her up to the flower ] You tell this flower what you did! That you’re a dirty, dirty girl, and you had dirty, dirty sex with a dirty, dirty President!

Monica Lewinsky: No-o!

Linda Tripp: Say it! Or I’ll knock that dirty smile off your face! Say it!

Monica Lewinsky: Okay, okay! [ turns to the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Blues Brothers 2000 Monologue

Mighty Mack…..John Goodman
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

Mighty Mack & Elwood Blues:
“I’m all alone and fancy free
But that ain’t the way I wanna be
Now girls get your game up tight
We’re gonna have a wing, ding doodle tonight
But right now

I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox

Tonight the sky’s the limit
I got some money and I wanna spend it
It’s Saturday night and I wanna play
I’m gonna groove til the break of day
Now look-a here

I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox

Got a brand new pin stripe suit of clothes
Big wide polka-dot tie
Cuff links as big as J-bird Eggs
And look at that shoes made out of Alligator hide
Well say something else here
I’m ripe and ready and hot to trot
(Boy you on Fire)
Girl you can get everything I got
(He’ll take it too)
I got got the money if got the time
(we open all night)
All you gotta do is gimme a sign
Lookee hear

I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox

I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox

I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox

You know something Mac? You Can Sing man

I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox
I’m looking for a fox.”

SNL Transcripts

The Ten Commandments

Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Moses…..John Goodman
Prophet…..Chris Kattan

Moses: And the Lord has sent before you, this Fifth Commandment – “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother”!

[ the prophets agree ]

And the Sixth Commandment: “Though Shalt not Kill”!

[ the prophets agree ]

And the Seventh: “Though Shalt not Commit Adultery”!

[ silence ]

What? What did I say?

Voice Among the Prophets: It’s a little unclear!

Moses: What?! Someone dares question the Word of God!

Clinton: [ steps out ] Not question, really. I mean.. you know, it’s just a little unclear. I mean, adultery, what exactly does that mean? [ laughs, holds smug thumbs-up ]

Moses: Well, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory – Though shalt not know any Woman other than Thy Wife.

Clinton: Yeah, right.. look, Moses.. hear me out on this one, okay? Is it technically adultery, let’s say, if you just let a woman know you? No! Because you’re not really knowing her back!

Moses: I don’t follow.

Clinton: Aw, c’mon, Moses! You know what I mean – maybe she.. knows you.. some.. other way! Like, not with her loins, you knowww..? She could even be fully dressed..

Moses: [ appalled ] Oh, come on. You’re not asking what I think you’re asking, are you?

Clinton: What?! You gotta admit, it’s not really that clear, right people? [ the people agree ]

Moses: Oh, yes, it is clear! What you’re talking about is definitely adultery!

Clinton: [ sighing ] So, God told you to do that exactly?

Moses: Well, no, we didn’t talk about that..

Clinton: Yeah? Well, then how do you know? This is pretty damn important, maybe you should go ask Him.

Moses: I’m not going to ask God that.

Clinton: Fine. I’ll ask Him. [ Moses tries to stop him, but he walks behind the mountain. He returns almost as soon as he left. ] I asked Him, He said it was okay.

Moses: No, you didn’t! You did not just talk to God!

Clinton: I did, too! You know, I asked Him about doing the thing, you know, down there, and He said, “Hey, go to town!” He said just don’t let anyone else know about it. You can put that one right there. [ he points at the tablet ]

Moses: Okay, you talked to God? Then what does God look like?

Clinton: Well.. I mean, He’s big.. uh, He is shiny, and He wears a hat.

Moses: No! God does not wear a hat. Look, the commandment is simple – Though shalt not lie down with any other woman!

Clinton: See? That’s my point! What if you’re not lying down? What if you’re sitting at the edge of your desk?

Moses: Come on, that’s just semantics. Who brought this guy? [ no one claims Clinton ] Look, look.. any kind of knowing is adultery, and that’s that! Now, I’m moving on! [ he presents the tablets again ]Now, then. Though shalt not covet Thy neighbor’s house, nor his goods, nor Thy neighbor’s ass..

Clinton: Wait a minute, Thy neighbor’s ass. What if..

Moses: No! No, no, no.. I know what you’re going to ask, and yes, that is defintely adultery.

Clinton: Okay, but what if she knew you with her hand?

Moses: That’s it. You are not worthy to receive these commandments! [ he throws the tablets to the ground, destroying them. Thunder strikes ] You perverts! [ he exits behind mountain ]

[ Prophet picks up the broken pieces. Clinton examines them. ]

Clinton Wait, whoa whoa! Did he break the one that had adultery on it?

Prophet: Yeah, I think he did.

Clinton: Okay, good! [ examining the pieces more closely ] Okay, see, look? This is great, we have five commandments. That’s all we need! You understand, we got all the good ones. Am I right? [ he turns to address the crowd ] Now, I want to talk about building a bridge to the 12th Century..

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 12

97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Martha Stewart shares highlights from her trip to Cuba.

Martha: I’m Martha Stewart. Golden plantains, aromatic hand-rolled cigars, vibrant peasant textiles. Last week the Pope and I visited Cuba, a country known for its lush vegetation, quaint Castilian architecture and hideous oppressive communism.

Tomorrow on “Living,” I’ll show you the most important thing you can learn about Cuba when I share some elegant and creative ways to escape from this poverty-stricken cesspool of a nation.

The raft has long been the flotation device of choice for Cuban émigrés. I made this one from some sun-bleached driftwood, woven together with raffia. I’ll show you how to build rafts that are functional, visually pleasing, and able to withstand shark attack.

All international travelers need a passport. But when you’re ripping yourself from the clutches of a militant, leftist dictator, your passport may need a little doctoring. With just some aged parchment paper and a jar of India ink, I was able to turn Carlos Enrique Lopez into Kenneth Matthews. Now Kenneth does all my landscaping.

Of course, nothing is more useful to the fleeing Cuban dissident than the latex surgical glove. It’s a classic. This all-purpose, weather-proof, traveling case can be stuffed with jewelry, money or food to sustain you during your trip. I’ve stuffed this one with bean cake and a fresh guava chutney. And best of all, they can be easily hidden in your nether quarters. I’ve got my lunch hidden there right now.

I spent seven days in the crumbling ruins of Cuba before hauling ass back to the Hamptons. And take it from me, the life of a bourgeois capitalist pig is a pretty good thing.

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 12

97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Randy Graves…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Hello!…[composes himself] Hm. Hm! Hm!

Okay…we’ve been off for two weeks, so I’ve had a lot of time to think about this Clinton thing. Okay, past all the jokes, I really feel bad for him. I mean, this is a man so full of self-hatred, that he puts a lifetime of achievement on the line for a series of Olive Garden hostesses. And do you know why Clinton denied being with Monica Lewinsky? ‘Cause she’s not that hot. That’s the sad truth. Most guys have done this: made it with the ugly girl at the bar, the next day your friends are ribbin’ you: “You did her last night.” “No I didn’t.” “Yeah you did.” “You swear you didn’t?” Then, and…and you see it: she comes into the bar all dolled up because she thinks she has a boyfriend….She’s got the new hat, you know? And you have to stop her, she starts hugging you…you saw how Clinton hugged her, it was that morning-after hug. It’s like, “Hey! Hey! Be cool! Come on!” You know? And I guarantee he does it again. You know, Clinton’s that kind of guy, those guys, that you always have that one friend that’s just a hound, like that? Clinton’s back right now. Even with all the trouble at the Olive Garden eating garlic rolls, you know, with Vernon Jordan? He’s like, “Vernon, I’m so depressed…Hiiiiiii! How ya doin’?” You know?…[disappointed by that last joke] Okay….And now, here’s the news.

Mike Tyson’s having money problems. Apparently he owes the IRS seven million dollars. After going over his tax return, they found out he tried to write off Evander Holyfield’s ear as a business dinner.

Former Knick Anthony Mason was charged this morning with having sex with two underage girls. When asked if he’s worried about the fans’ reaction, he said, [picture of Woody Allen and his wife, Soon-Yi Previn] “I’m sure some of them won’t mind.”

Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who had sex with a 13-year-old boy, was arrested after she was found with him in a car. The teacher will be sent back to prison, and the boy is enjoying his highest approval rating ever….Kid!…Let me talk to this kid. Kid! You’re too young to realize it now, but you’re doin’ good! You’re doin’ real good! I don’t know how you carry yourself, how you dress, but whatever you’re doin’, keep doin’ it. You’re doin’ all right for 13….I know, it’s…touching. Um…

According to weather forecasters, El Niño’s cold-weather sister, La Niña, [audience starts to laugh] will be bringing extreme cold–this is true–to the eastern Pacific. [trying to quell laughter] It’s true! Meanwhile…who knew El Niño had a sister? You know, I think we’re in a lot of weather trouble. Why? Did you ever hear of a Spanish family with only two kids? Come on! [cheers and applause] Folks, it’s true. I know it sounds…but we’re stocking up on canned goods, so let’s leave it at that.

Karl– [waits for audience to calm down] Karla Fay Tucker’s last meal was a banana, a peach, and a salad. What kind of last meal is that? That’s a first date meal. The kind of thing you order with the guys, so you won’t think you’re gonna get fat? We’ve brainwashed women so badly in this society that we even order something they want on the day of execution….All right? She doesn’t want the other death row warden talking about her. “Ooh! Her ass looked huge in that chair!”…Uh…

The opening ceremonies at the Olympics were last night. I don’t know what the big deal is here. Somebody who skates 14 hours a day, that’s not an athlete. That’s obsessive-compulsive disorder, all right? [a woman cheers] What’s next, you get a gold medal for turning the stove off…100 times in an hour?…All right…

An Indiana convict who actually asked to be executed for the murder of another inmate was killed by lethal injection last week. His final words: “Wow! That’s the last time I try reverse psychology!”

All right….[reaches under the desk, grabs a copy of Vanity Fair with Matt Damon on the cover and holds it up] Let’s talk about him here, Matt Damon….Now why is this guy starting to piss me off? All right? I know, he wrote a great movie, he’s a great actor, seems like a nice guy, but it’s all a little too perfect. And that’s a little bit annoying, let’s face the facts. [puts down the magazine] All right, him and his buddy wrote Good Will Hunting and went from rags to riches and everyone’s so happy, ha ha ha. Well guess what, I’m not happy for him. You know who I’m happy for when he does good? Me. I’m happy when I do good. People say, “Oh, you’re just jealous.” So what? What’s wrong with that? Jealousy started this country, all right? People were jealous that the Indians had a beautiful continent and they came over and took it. But here’s the part that pisses me off….You have the two best friends, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, you know, they wrote the movie together, Good Will Hunting, but you know it was Ben Affleck that did all the taping – typing, you know, while Matt Damon was on the bed doing hammer curls, all right? You can just see Affleck hunched over the computer like Ben Kingsley in Schindler’s List, you know? While the arrogant, two-time Matt Damon, the spawn of beer hall fascism and Sid Field screenwriting books, sits on the balcony like Ray Fiennes in his bathrobe shooting at people….All right. Obviously, there’s a problem that needs to be dealt with here, you know, I’m not saying that…I don’t know if it’s mine, it seems to be Matt Damon’s from where I’m sitting but, you know, that’s it….Let’s get back to him later.

All right, a New York Lottery winner was convicted of murder this week. He’ll get 50 years or one month a year for life. [some applause]

Police in California are looking for the killer or killers of a dozen sea lions, some of whom were decapitated. Reached for comment, O.J. Simpson said, “I really resent whatever joke you’re about to make here.”

[Colin reaches under the desk, grabs a collage, and holds it up. The collage contains several death symbols as well as a doctored photo of Matt Damon and Adolf Hitler together.]

All right, here’s what I did. Now, this is…I know it looks a lot – I finally figured it out, I had a little time yesterday…I…made a little collage…eh, worked through some of the emotions me and Matt are going through, obviously. I’ve broken it down, as you see, we have a collage of some of the atrocities Matt might have committed in another time and place. Matt! We need to talk! [puts the collage away] All right.

There’s a new doll on the market this week: Carlos, a Puerto Rican gay doll with a boyfriend named Billy. The doll’s creators…the doll’s creators said they are proud to be making America’s first gay dolls. To which Ken replied, “Hello-ooo!” [cheers and applause]…Thank alle!

Okay, we’ve heard a lot of opinions from the media about the White House scandal. What we haven’t heard is straight talk from young people. Here tonight from the University of Ohio is Sigma Epsilon’s own Randy Graves.

[pan over to Randy, who is wearing a red “Ohio” sweatshirt and a backwards baseball cap and talks like a stereotypical college frat boy]

Randy Graves: [has his hand up towards Colin, expecting a high-five] COLON! [pronounces it “Col-ohn”] WOOO! COLON! COLIN! AAOWW! [puts his hand down] WOOO! First of all, this is a big story, dude. Read the papes! This thing is huge! Basically, what happened: the President of the United States, Slick Willie, went for a kick-ass hummer on the sly…and this BITCH, Linda Tripp, totally cockblocked him! Simple as that!

Now, my good bro, Steve Pinner, we were in the same pledge class, he got arrested for rape, we used to call him Hambone. HAMBONE! CHECK IT OUT! HAMBONE! Anyway, the papers called him “The Laundry Room Rapist.” He was clockblocked by some bitch. Tripp is a bitch, Hillary’s a bitch, but Bubba’s cool ’cause he’s out looking for a BJ! [turns back to Colin and puts his hand back up] Give it up, Colin! AAOWW! [some applause] Colon! Colonial foot soldier! COLON! AAOWW! [puts his hand back down and faces the audience]…Come on, man, he won’t give it up!…[to Colin] Dude, are you gay?…You gotta give it up for the bitch line, Quinny!

Anyway, Billy broy…he broke rule numero uno: do not dip your pen in the company ink! Am I right? AOW! Dude, I remember this bro, Derek Adkins, he was the COOLEST! You don’t even KNOW! He was the COOLEST! Anyway, we were having this slave auction fundraiser, and we’re all…we’re all out on the party porch…and, uh…[starts to get choked up] and there were way too many people out there, and…the porch gave way, and…Adkins fell…and he hit his head on the ground, but…but it’s cool…they got him a van with a ramp that he drives with his teeth now, so…[sings] in your eyes, the light’s a heat in your eyes, I am complete! [back to normal] He loved that song! He loved that song! [puts his hand back up] Colon! [puts his hand back down]

That’s what I’m talkin’ about with this President thing! You are the coolest, Colin! You are the man! Give it up for Colin Quinn! [cheers] Give it up! Stand up in your chairs! I’m out! [puts his hand up once again]

Colin: Randy Graves, everyone! Randy Graves! [laughs and finally high-fives Randy] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking with it. Good night!

Randy: [starts in the middle of Colin’s closing] Stand up! Colin Quinn! Stand up!

[Colin laughs while trying to high-five Randy several times]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 14th, 1998

Roma Downey

Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

None

Monica Lewinsky Congressional Address

Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky.

Roma Downey’s Monologue

Chess for Girls

(Repeat) See: 10/04/97.

The Culps

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Catherine the Great

Martha Stewart Living

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Road To Nagano

I’m Riding My Donkey Political Talk Show

Monica Lewinsky’s Answering Machine I

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot performs “Sock It 2 Me” & “Beep Me 911”

Fran

Monica Lewinsky’s Answering Machine II

The Ladies Man
Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

TV Funhouse

Lou’s Lovely Daughters

Monica Lewinsky’s Answering Machine III

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 13

97m: Roma Downey / Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Today, on “Martha Stewart Living”.

Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. There are a lot of charming traditions associated with Cupid’s Holiday: fine Belgian chocolates, red roses, French Champaign, and of course, these delightfully nostalgic candy hearts. But today on Living, we’ll celebrate what I feel is the real essence of Valentines, loneliness and shame. I’ll show you some innovative ways to enjoy this Holiday solo, by yourself, in the deafening silence of your own home.

A terrific way to combat Valentine’s depression is to treat yourself to an erotic cake. I modeled this almond sponge cake after Michelangelo’s David. [camera pulls back to reveal a cake shaped as buttocks, Martha takes a lick] Now that’s a sweet piece of ass.

Massage oils are a pleasure meant for lovers but they’ve also become a staple of my life here alone in Connecticut. I made this sensual potion with sesame oil, lavender, and fresh elderberry, a natural aphrodisiac. When rubbed into your calves and other private places, it’ll ensure hours of secret, sexy fun. It’s a sensation I really cherish.

But being alone on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you can’t send heart-felt greetings to the significant people in your life. A favorite tradition of mine is to take a simple, cardboard box, garnish it will silk ribbon and velvet hearts, then defecate in the box and leave it in my ex-husband’s yard.

[cut to Martha with the box running up to an expensive house’s front porch]

After all, hatred is a form of passion. [she throws the box onto the porch and dashes back to her SUV, she then screams toward the house] Happy Valentine’s Day your M***** F*****! [she peels away from the house]

Announcer: Martha Stewart, today, on CBS.

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 13

97m: Roma Downey / Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Oh! Thank you. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.

Okay, first, let’s talk about this war in Iraq. What’s going on? Why are we involved? It’s simple. We’re the world’s policemen. Kuwait calls us up, we go to Iraq, we knock on the door…Hussein answers, Hussein’s like the drunk, shirtless guy, like you see on “Cops.” He’s like, “What’s up?!” Ah, we come out, we gotta complain, “We heard you got weapons in your house. One of your neighbors called us.” “Who was it, Afghanistan?! I’ll kill him!” “Cool your jets, it wasn’t Afghanistan.” Meanwhile, Kuwait is Iraq’s wife in the background with a black eye and smeared makeup. “No no, it’s okay, it’s my fault, he said he wouldn’t do it again!” Now we get in the middle of their domestic squabble, smack Hussein around a little bit, threaten him, maybe shoot him in the leg. But you know what always happens: they make up…Kuwait makes up with Iraq, they join forces and blame us, now we’re the bad guys. The Great Satan, you know? And every time we come around, they egg the patrol car or burn our flags. It’s not worth it! I think we should retire as the world’s policemen. Maybe take a part-time security job guard. Guarding…Nova Scotia….Okay…

Today is Valentine’s Day….Today is Valentine’s Day. White House spokesmen said that the President and Mrs. Clinton will honor the holiday by observing a moment of silence…expected to last the entire evening.

[photo of Tom Snyder, who has white hair and black eyebrows] Tom Snyder is considering leaving his “Late Late Show” on CBS, citing creative differences with his producer. The producer wants his eyebrows to match his head.

John Travolta has been in the press lately, criticizing Germany’s lack of tolerance for Scientologists. German officials disputed the charges, saying, “Look. We’re Germans. When we start religiously persecuting you, you’ll know it.”

The Institute for Highway Safety released a report this week that sports utility vehicles are responsible for higher death rates. [footage of O.J. Simpson’s Ford Bronco] [secretly] We know!

Ralph Waite…the guy who played the father on “The Waltons,” is running against the widow of Sonny Bono for his vacant congressional seat. The winner of the primary will face the Democratic candidate, the cast of “Rich Man, Poor Man.”

A 78-year-old man with a walker opened fire in a Nevada casino, wounding several gamblers. Two bystanders who were injured were treated in the casino, and went back to the tables to gamble….You know, fellas, if a 78-year-old man with a walker shoots you, maybe it’s not your lucky night.

[photo of New York City nightclub owner Peter Gashin with a patch on his left eye] Manhattan club owner Peter Gashin was acquitted of charges that he turned his New York nightclubs into drug supermarkets to increase business. Gashin claims that if there was any drug dealing in his club, it must have happened on his left side.

In sports, Jerry Jones hired Chan Gailey as the new head coach of the Dallas Cowboys this week. Coach Gailey is a devout Christian who’s proposing a “no swearing” policy to the team. When reached for comment, wide receiver Michael Irvin said, “I’ll try, but it’s hard not to swear when hookers…spill your blow.”

In Indiana…gangs are recruiting new members on the Internet. Now, that’s not gonna work. You know how people lie on the Internet….Right now there’s a 300-pound middle-aged housewife who’s an OG in the Crips….[secretly] I should have brought my donkey! All right…

Maine…Maine became the first state to appeal its gay rights law. Gay men protested by giving everyone a bad haircut and unfolding all the sweaters at Banana Republic. [some applause]…Now you’re talking!

All right, in this month’s Vanity Fair…[reaches underneath the desk, grabs the issue of Vanity Fair, and holds it up] Madonna claims that the only thing missing from her life is a man to share it with. So in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, [puts down the magazine] okay, I can take a hint, I’ll do it, Madonna. I’ll marry you. But first, let’s go over a few ground rules. [counts the rules on his hand] Number one: everything I have is yours, and everything you have is mine. We split all our finances down the middle, no questions. “Hey, what do you have in your account, what do I have in my account?” We both have money. You have your CDs, movies, production companies…I’ve been on “Update” four weeks! It’s starting to add up, baby! Don’t forget, I’m Irish, so every week I put five dollars in a Christmas Club account. Number two. Rule two? No loud talking, no dancing, flirting at parties or clubs, no outbursts. “Ooh, he’s cute! Alonzo Mourning! Kevin Garnett!” Uh-uh, honey. Sit down, honey, drink your drink. Rule number three…number three, Miss Madonna: no more sentences that start with “I”; I think, I want…now it’s Colin thinks, Colin says, Colin wants, and then on. Rule number four: I like celery in my tuna, and when the Jets are on, make yourself busy. Busy time. Rule number five…[holds up two fingers, looks at his hand, then holds up five fingers] five! See rule number one. All right? Remember this face; you’re gonna be seeing it for the next 40 years. Happy Valentine’s Day, honey!

I’m Colin Quinn, that’s the story I’m going with. Stick here with us! Good night!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

Baseball Dreams

Mom…..Helen Hunt
Danny…..Chris Kattan
Ted Brogan…..Will Ferrell

Mom: ..”And Santa told Teddy the Turtle, ‘Even turtles get presents for Christmas.'”

Danny: That’s a great story, Mom!

Mom: Goodnight, honey. Tomorrow’s Christmas! It’s going to be a big day.

Danny: I don’t care if I get any presents. I just wanna be a pro baseball player when I grow up!

Mom: You can do anything you want, Danny. Just follow your dreams. But in the meantime, get some sleep. [ exits Danny’s room ]

Danny: [ curls up in bed ] I’m gonna be a baseball player! [ a light appears in his closet ] Wha.. who’s there?

Todd Hunley: [ steps from out of the closet ] Hello, Danny.

Danny: [ excited ] Wow! Todd Hunley, from the New York Mets!

Todd Hunley: That’s right. I’m just here to tell you you should follow your dreams. You can do it! You can be a pro ballplayer!

Danny: [ excited ] I can?

Todd Hunley: Sure you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. Just ask Scott Rolan, National League Rookie of the Year.

[ Scott Rolan steps out from the closet ]

Danny: Wow! Scott Rolan!

Scott Rolan: Hey, Andy!

Danny: It’s not Andy. It’s Danny.

Scott Rolan: Whatever, kid. Hey! You can fulfill your dream. This is North America!

Todd Hunley: We usually just say America.

[ Mark Wohlers steps out of the closet ]

Mark Wohlers: That’s right, kid.

Danny: [ excited ] Mark Wohlers!

Mark Wohlers: You can do anything you wanna do. This ain’t Russia, sport!

Danny: [ confused ] But Russia’s a democracy now..

Mark Wohlers: Quit being a fag. You get the point.

Danny: Mark Wohlers called me a fag.. [ sniffs ]

Todd Hunley: Be cool, kid. Don’t cry.

Mom: [ from the hall ] Is everything okay, honey?

Todd Hunley: [ grabs Danny’s arm ] Tell your Mom that everything’s okay!

Scott Rolan: It’s too late! Hide! [ crouches behind the door, as the other two ballplayers crouch behind the bed ]

Mom: [ enters room ] Honey? Is everything okay?

Danny: [ scared ] I’m fine, Mom..

Mom: It smells like chew in here.

Danny: I don’t smell anything..

Mom: Alright. Get some sleep. [ exits ]

Mark Wohlers: [ stands up ] Hey.. your Mom’s hot!

Danny: Hey! What did you say?

Mark Wohlers: I said you can succeed at whatever you want.

Danny: No, you didn’t!

Mark Wohlers: Yeah, it’s true! Just ask Marty Cordova of the Minnesota Twins, and Jeff Fassero of the Seattle Mariners.

[ Marty Cordova and Jeff Fessero step out of the closet ]

Marty Cordova: Hey.. Benjamin..

Jeff Fassero: No. I think it’s Danny.

Danny: Yeah, it’s Danny!

Jeff Fassero: Mind if we smoke? [ smokes ]

Danny: Kind of.. [ coughs ] Listen, I want you guys to leave!

Jeff Fassero: You might want us to leave, but do you want Greg Jeffries of the Philadelphia Phillies, Mark Grudzielanek and Rondell White of the Montreal Expos to go?

[ Greg Jeffries, Mark Grudzielanek, and Rondell White step out of the closet ]

Danny: Yeah, I think I do!

Greg Jeffries: Listen, kid. You can be anything you wanna be. Just set your mind to it.

Rondell White: Yeah, kid. Go for your dreams.

Danny: A bunch of guys have said that already. It’s pretty much meaningless now!

Greg Jeffries: Well, sor-ry, you little punk!

Mark Wohlers: [ pulls propeller off of toy model airplane ] Hey, kid! I think I broke this!

Danny: [ angry ] Hey, come on! Imade that!

[ Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, and Cliff Floyd step out of the closet ]

Todd Zeile: Hi. I’m Todd Zeile. This is Russ Davis and Cliff Floyd. We’re professional ballplayers, too.

Cliff Floyd: Where’s the food? You got any food?

Danny: No! Get out!

[ ballplayers start to party in Danny’s room ]

Mark Wohlers: [ picks up radio ] Hey, man! Does this radio work?

Danny: [ annoyed ] Yes! I don’t even know who you guys are! Where’s Ken Griffey, Jr.

Todd Hunley: Ah, don’t worry about it. He’s gonna stop by later. We dropped him off at a strip joint down the street.
[ ballplayers cheer, as David Howard and Mike Sweeney step out of the closet with a keg ]

David Howard: Where’s the party!

Danny: David Howard and Mike Sweeney! Go away! Guys, you’re gonna wake up my Mom!

[ more ballplayers step out of the closet, including Ted Brogan and his dog ]

Ted Brogan: Hey, where are the girls?

Danny: Who’s that guy? Hey, he’s not even weating a uniform!

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I played a little minor league ball in the 80’s. I was supposed to play in Japan, but I failed a drug test. so.. This is my master, Hannibal. [ dog barks ]

Danny: Your dog scares me.

Mom: [ reenters room, turns off radio ] Honey.. what is going on in here? Who are these men?

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I got rollin’ papers, if you got weed!

Mom: What are you doing in my son’s room!

Mark Grudzielanek: [ puts his arm around Mom ] Hi, sweetheart. I’m Mark Grudzielanek.

Mom: I don’t care! Put that cigarette out, shut that dog up, and everybody get out!

Todd Hunley: Hey, look, lady, we’re just trying to help your kid!

Voice Outside Window: I’m naked! Whoo-hoo!

Greg Jeffries: [ looks out window ] It’s Griffey! He’s naked in the yard again!

[ police sirens can be heard ]

Todd Hunley: Come on! Lety’s go! It’s the cops!

[ ballplayers scatter out of the room ]

Ted Brogan: [ hands gun to Danny ] Can you hide this for me? Thanks. [ runs out of room ]

[ Danny cries, as Mom comes to his side ]

Mom: It’s okay, honey.. they’re all gone now.

Danny: That was horrible!

Mom: Do you still wanna be a baseball player?
Danny: [ throws baseball glove to the floor ] No! I don’t wanna be a baseball player! [ pause ] I wanna be a basketball player!

[ suddenly, a group of basketball players run out of the closet and bounce into Danny’s bed and dribble a basketball on his head ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts