Category: 1997

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Car Accident

Male Victim…..Norm MacDonald
Female Victim…..Ana Gasteyer
Paramedic…..Will Ferrell
Other Driver…..Jim Breuer

[ Two cars crash into one another. Sylvester Stallone quickly rushes in to help after witnessing the horrific event. ]

Stallone: Sir? Are you alright?

Male Victim: [ groaning ] ..oh.. what happened..? I saw a white.. light.. I felt this inner peace, I thought I was going to heaven. But then that guy from that horrible movie “Rhinestone” showed up..

Stallone: [ confused ] What?

Female Victim: It’s Sly Stallone! He’s trying to help us!

Stallone: Look, you’ll be fine – you’re just a little shaken up! Okay?

Male Victim: [ groaning ] Great. I don’t know which is worse: being in this accident, or being helped by the star of “Judge Dredd”.

Stallone: [ somewhat exasperated ] Don’t move, there’s an ambulance coming.

Female Victim: Thank you so much. You’re very kind.

Male Victim: Ah.. he’s not that kind. Did you see “Cobra”?

Stallone: You know.. that movie actually got very screwed up in the, uh, editing, and..

Male Victim: [ screaming ] Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh….

Stallone: [ frightened ] What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!

Male Victim: ..gggghhhhhhh, I just remembered “Staying Alive”!

Stallone: Aw, hey, come on!

Female Victim: Listen, he’s trying to be nice..

Stallone: Alright, yeah, okay, fine. How are you doing, Madam?

Female Victim: My arm hurts!

Stallone: Oh, really? Can you move your fingers?

Female Victim: [ she moves her fingers a little, then screams ] Oh, God! “Paradise Alley” sucked! [ ashamed ] I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say that!

Male Victim: Ah.. don’t be sorry – the guy stole two hours of your life!

Stallone: Aw, come on, that’s enough! I’m trying to help you!

Male Victim: [ groaning ] I’m getting.. I’m getting dizzy from the blood loss..

Stallone: Okay, let me just put the pressure on there.. [ massages male victim’s shoulders ] You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be O-KAY!

Male Victim: I’m bleeding pretty badly..

Stallone: Oh, everything’s going to be fine. I’m here for you!

Male Victim: Let me ask you something: What were you thinking when you made “Over The Top”?

Stallone: What?!

Male Victim: “Over The Top”! I mean, you had to arm wrestle a guy for the custody of your son, for God’s sake!

Stallone: Please save your energy..

Male Victim: I mean, did you actually get that script and go around telling people, “Hey, this is a good one!”

Stallone: Oh, come on, just drop it! Please.

Male Victim: No, no, you’re right. You know, it was an excellent movie, now that I think about it. After all, you know, it does combine the emotional drama of a custody child hearing with, uh.. ARM WRESTLING!!

Stallone: [ angry ] That’s enough!! [ ambulance sirens in background ]

Male Victim: Whoa, hey! Hey, remember that movie “Kramer vs. Kramer”? Yeah, that was about child custody, too. Yeah, but it wasn’t that good. I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t.. oh, wait! I know! Arm wrestling!

Stallone: [ screaming] SHUT UP!! [ he punches the male accident victim, as a paramedic enters the scene ]

Paramedic: Hey! What the hell are you doing? You’re punching car accident victims!

Stallone: No, no, no, you don’t understand.. he was badmouthing my films!

Paramedic: The man is injured, and he happens to think “Tango & Cash” is jackass, so you hit him?!

Stallone: No, no. He didn’t mention “Tango & Cash”, okay?

Female Victim: Please! Somebody just help my husband! [ Male victim groans helplessly ]

Other Driver: [ in background ] I think this guy’s dying!

Paramedic: [ examining the male victim ] Alright, everyone clear! Now, I’m losing him!

Male Victim: Stop.. stop.. stop.. stop.. “Stop.. Or My Mom Will Shoot” sucked..

Paramedic: [ confused ] What? What did he say? I-I couldn’t hear him..

Female Victim: [ To Stallone ] Did you hear him?

Stallone: [ reluctantly ] Yeah..

Paramedic: What, what did he say?

Stallone: [ mumbling ] “‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ sucked.”

Paramedic: Wait, wait, wait! Everyone, sshhh! What did he say?

Stallone: He said, “‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ SUCKED!!“

Female Victim: It’s okay. Listen: you’ve comforted my husband in the last minutes of his life. That’s a noble thing. Don’t let “Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot” mar that experience..

Paramedic: [ still examining the male victim ] Wait, wait, everyone. He’s holding onto something.. it’s.. it’s a videotape. It’s “Rambo”. I guess he liked your work after all..

Stallone: [ surprised ] Really? That really means a lot to me.

Paramedic: [ pulling the tape free ] Oh, wait, wait, actually, no. It’s.. it’s a porn film. It’s “Rambone”. It’s “Rambone”. [ Stallone rolls his eyes ] Alright, let’s clear out, everyone! Nothing to see! [ Handing tape to Stallone ] You want this?..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
October 4th, 1997

Matthew Perry

Oasis

None

None
Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) break into the school gym to practice their cheers for the morning cheerleading tryouts.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

Montage

Matthew Perry’s MonologueSummary: In a pre-taped sequence, Matthew Perry looks for a New Yorker who will jump into a fountain with him like in the “Friends” title sequence.

Bio: Matthew Perry (1969-). Actor; played Chandler Bing on sitcom “Friends” (1994-2004); also starred in the short-lived drama series, “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (2006-07).

Cookie Dough SportSummary: The cookie-coated sports drink that keeps your energy going

Transcript

Celebrity JeopardySummary: Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald) competes against John Travolta (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Keaton (Matthew Perry).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Burt Reynolds, John Travolta.

Transcript

Sarcasm 101Summary: New student Marissa (Ana Gasteyer) is offended by the sarcastic comments of the teacher (Matthew Perry) and her classmates.

Transcript

The Ladies ManSummary: Ladies man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) takes calls and answers romantic queries.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Space, The Infinite FrontierRecurring Characters: Harry Caray.

Transcript

Oasis performs “Don’t Go Away”Bio: English rock band; members: Liam Gallagher, Noel Gallagher, Paul Arthurs, Paul McGuigan, Alan White.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Norm MacDonald delivers the fake news solo, with no guest commentators.

Transcript

M-TV NewsRecurring Characters: Goat Boy, Juio Iglesius.

The Kevin Franklin ShowSummary: Kevin Franklin’s (Tim Meadows) new late-night talk show will be just like the rest of the talk shows currently on the airwaves.

Recurring Characters: Kevin Franklin.

FriendsSummary: SNL’s mundane “Friends” parody is interrupted when Matthew Perry objects to Colin Quinn’s gay portrayal of Chandler Bing.

Transcript

Go-LordsTranscript

Oasis performs “Acquiesce”

Good Morning With LizaRecurring Characters: Liza Manelli, Woody Allen.

The Kevin Franklin Show IISummary: Following a stint in rehab, Kevin Franklin’s (Tim Meadow) show takes on a new mellow format.

Recurring Characters: Kevin Franklin.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Cookie Dough Sport

[ Music Over: “Love Hurts”, Nazareth ]

[ rapid-fire scenes of athletes playing a series of intense sports ]

Announcer: Cookie Dough Sport. Cookie dough right when you need it most. So get on your feet, get in the game, and get the dough. Cookie Dough Sport.

Cookie Dough Sport. Be the dough.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Friends

Rachel….Cheri Oteri
Pheobe….Ana Gasteyer
Ross……Chris Kattan
Chandler….Colin Quinn
Joey…….Matthew Perry
Monica…..Molly Shannon

[open in the Friends apartment, with Rachel and Pheobe watching TV]

Rachel: Oh my God, this show is so stupid, Pheobes. I mean, it’s just tapes of cats falling off things and men getting hit in the crotch!

Pheobe: Um, okay, I love this show, Rache.

Rachel: You would. Look, Pheobes, I have something to tell you.

[Rachel turns off TV]

Pheobe: Wow, that sounds really like [imitating trumpet herald] announcement!

Rachel: It kind of is. I met someone, Pheobes. A guy. I think this whole Ross and me thing is, like, over.

Pheobe: Um, congratulations, I think. Wow.

[Monica and Ross enter]

Monica: You know, Ross, you totally offended me when you didn’t eat any of my quiche a la Monica. I mean, hello? I spent all day making it.

Ross: Well, I would’ve spent all night throwing it up.

[Ross sees Rachel]

Ross: Oh, hi, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey, I thought you were gonna call me. I spent all weekend beside the phone, in a fetal position. Moaning. A lot.

Rachel: Oh, Ross. There’s kind of a reason why I didn’t call.

Ross: Well, I was really hoping you would, Rache, cause I just wanted to ask you…will you marry me?

[Everyone looks shocked while Joey enters]

Joey: Hey, yo. You guys wanna go shoot some pool or something?

Monica: Joey, shut up! Ross just totally popped the question!

Joey: Ho ho! What question!

Monica: Hello? THE question? The BIG one? HELLO?

Joey: Ho ho! …what question?

[Chandler enters. While everyone up to this point has been imitating the Friends characters relatively accurately, Colin Quinn portrays Chandler as EXTREMELY effeminate]

Colin: Oh! What a HORRID day I’ve had!

[Matthew Perry looks puzzled, but tries to maintain his Joey impression]

Monica: Hi, Chandler.

Pheobe: Um, hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh my STARS, it’s a wonder I didn’t simply faint dead away! Heavens to Betsy!

Ross: I – I know this is sudden, Rachel, but there’s – there’s still this thing between us, you know, there’s kind of this thing, that, you know, it’s a good thing!

Rachel: Oh, Ross! Ross, marriage is such a big step!

Chandler: Marriage!? Marriage, my word, you mustn’t! My dear girl, you’ll be ruined, RUINED!

Pheobe: Um, okay, Chandler, I think you’re being, like, really negative right now. Like, marriage rules!

Monica: I know! I mean, marriage! Hello?! HELLO!?

Ross: Look, Rache, I still love you, I really do! Joey, tell her how much I talk about her!

Chandler: Heavens, yes, Joey, do tell, do tell!

[Matthew Perry stares at Colin Quinn in confusion. He’s clearly thinking about Colin now and not the sketch]

Joey: Well, yeah…you know…Ross says things…about…Rachel.

Ross: See?!?

Chandler: Oh, bother, you’re all prattling away while I stand here half dead from thirst. I simply shall perish without a glass of buttermilk!

[Colin moves to the fridge, walking very effeminately. Matthew Perry follows him]

Joey: Hey, hold on a sec there, Chandler. You’re, uh, kinda out of character today, not your usual smart-alecky self. Is something wrong?

Chandler: Why, heavens, no, dear boy! I’m Chandler Bing, raconteur and sassy man-about-town! Now would you be a love and fetch me my shawl?

Matthew Perry [breaks character completely, addresses Colin directly] Alright, Colin, cut it out!

Colin Quinn: [tries to keep character] Dear me, I shan’t be spoken to in that tone, JOEY. It simply won’t do!

Matthew Perry: I’m serious! Cut it out!

Colin QuinnM: [breaks character] What are you doing, Matthew? You’re ruining the whole sketch!

Matthew Perry: What am I doing? What kind of an impression is this?! It doesn’t sound anything like me!

Chris Kattan: [still impersonating Ross as he speaks] Look, you – you shouldn’t second-guess him, you know? He’s an actor, and, you know, he made an acting choice.

Matthew Perry: Hey, Kattan, do yourself a favor and stick to characters that don’t speak!

[Chris Kattan, angry, sits down on the couch]

Matthew Perry: And Colin, I don’t play Chandler like some big gay foppish guy!

Colin Quinn: Look, Matthew, I’m sorry you didn’t like my impression. It’s just that I’m a huge fan. And your performance in that role always brings to mind classic character actors like Ed Win, Edward Everett Horton, and I tried to bring that to my performance. But I guess it was a bad call.

Matthew Perry: [suddenly intrigued] Well, not necessarily…

[Perry looks upward, deep in thought. The scene switches to a picture of a studio lot, with the caption reading “Hollywood, California. A Few Weeks From Now.”]

[The scene switches to the Friends’ apartment. Matthew Perry bounds into the room as Chandler, and he now plays Chandler as effeminately as Colin did]

Chandler: Oooooh, Chandler’s home! Joey, be a dear and fetch me my shawl! I’m rather chilly! Oooooooohhhh!

[Scene freezes and Friends music plays while Friends credits roll]

Transcribed by: Scott Bonner

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Golords

Mike Golord…..Will Ferrell
Sissy Golord…..Ana Gasteyer
Doc
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Fake Bill Clinton
Chung
Madame Wong
Chung’s Hitman

[Opens with the Seal of the President of the UnitedStates. Bill Clinton is addressing the nation from theOval Office]

Announcer: And now a message from the President of theUnited States.

President Bill Clinton: My fellow Americans. Lately thisadministration has come under attack for acceptingcampaign contributions from foreigners. I’m here tosay there’s no truth behind this allegations andfurthermore my….

[Helicopter roars, two guys storm through the windowsbehind Clinton and open machine gunfire in alldirections]

President Bill Clinton: HOLY…!!!

[They hook Clinton up and helicopter carries him outof the Oval Office along with the two gunmen]

Man: THEY’VE KIDNAPPED THE PRESIDENT!!! OH!,OH!,OH!

Jingle:
From a secret sattelite,
comes a gang that’s outta sight.
Captain Golord and his team,
they will fight out evil schemes,
helping save the earth below,
they are always on the go!

[Montage of the Golord’s adventures. Sattelite inspace,confronting bad guys, knocking down doors, Docon the phone in the lab, flying through space in theirspace mobile]

GOLORDS! GOLORDS! GOOOO!!!!

Announcer: The Golords.

[Sattelite in space, cut into it. Mike and Sissy intheir blue uniforms are sittting down while Doc in hislab coat and big glasses read a printout message]

Doc: Mike, Sissy, we’re getting an emergency message.Our sources have located the President!

Sissy: Where’s he at, Doc?

Doc: It says here that the culprits are holding thePresident in a brothel outside of Hong Kong.

[Mike is watching a Penthouse centerfold]

Mike: Let’s go!

[Caption: Hong Kong. Oriental music. City at night.Mike and Sissy are in front of a whorehouse, dooropens]

Madame Wong: Welcome to Madame Wong’s whorehouse! MikeGolord? Back so soon?

Mike:[Speaks chinese. Subtitled:Madame Wong, this ismy sister, so be cool with the “Mike Golord”stuff.]Hello, stranger. Have you seen this man aroundhere?

[Holds up photo of Bill Clinton]

Madame Wong: Uh, how about a quicky?

Mike: Sissy, wait here. I think Madame Wong may knowsomething.

[Madame Wong and Mike walk into a red lighted room,door closes. Door opens in one second, Madame Wong isnaked on the bed, Mike walks out]

Mike: Thanks, Wong.

Sissy: What did you find out Mike?

Mike: Not a thing. Let’s go to another whorehouse.

[Madame Wong attacks Mike with a knife]

Sissy: Mike, look out!

[Bang! bang!, bang! bang! Sissy shoots Madame Wong inthe face 4 times]

Mike: Thanks, Sissy. That was close. Let’s take a lookaround the rest of this place.

[Bang! Sissy shoots Wong one more time just to besure.]

[Cut to President Clinton tied to a chair in awarehouse. Chung and his hitman are next to Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: I’ll tell you what. When my govermenthear about this there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Chung: Silence!

[Slaps Clinton in the face]

President Bill Clinton: [whimpering] Don’t hit me!

Chung’s Hitman: Silence!

[Another slap in the face of Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: The security codes are Delta, Alpha,Zebra….

Chung: Please, shut up. We are not interested incodes. Our top genetics scientists have been workingaround the clock to perfect this, our own PresidentBill Clinton.

[Chung takes hood off another guy tied to a chair thatlooks just like Clinton only that the white hair isuncombed]

President Bill Clinton: He looks just like me!

Fake Bill Clinton: I build bridges to 21st century.

Chung: It’s perfect. We don’t need to make campaigncontributions any longer. Now our President will makea new American policy and no one can stop us!

[Mike and Sissy burst through the door]

Mike: Hold it right there, Chung!

Sissy: Two completely identical Presidents. How can wetell them apart?

President Bill Clinton: It’s me!!

Fake Bill Clinton: Hey, I’m the guy!

Sissy: What do we do, Mike?

Mike: I’ve got it!

[Shows fake Bill Clinton a photo of Paula Jones]

Mike: Do you find this lady sexy?

Fake Bill Clinton: Oh, no. She not sexy. She make mesick.[throws up]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah![His horniness makeshis head spin wildly]

Mike: Suck on this!

[Mike shoots fake Bill Clinton in the forehead. Hisbrains splash into the wall]

Chung: Stop them!

Sissy: Hyah! Take that!

[Sissy punches Chung’s hitman in the chest and ripsout his still beating heart]

President Bill Clinton: Good Lord!

Sissy: Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

[Sissy knife in hand goes over to Chung and chops hishead clean off, head rolls around on the floor]

[Back in the Oval Office]

President Bill Clinton: This country owes you Golords a greatdebt that can never be repaid.

Mike: No need Mr. President. I just hope you’velearned taking illegal contributions from foreignersis dangerous. It’s more safer and patriotic to letAmerican corporations to buy off our politicians.

[Bill Clinton fondles Sissy’s right breast]

President Bill Clinton: I couldn’t agree more. That is whytomorrow I’m gonna get started on tough new campaignfinance reform.

[Dishonest giggling from Clinton, Mike and Sissy joinin the giggling]

Announcer: GOLORDS!! GOLORDS!! GOOOO!!!!

The Golords logo.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Goodnights

…..Matthew Perry

Matthew Perry: Thakas to Oasis! Thanks to everybody! I love you, Grandpa! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
John Travolta…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Michael Keaton…..Matthew Perry

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. And let’s take a look at the scores. John Travolta has -$2,000. In a close second with -$1,900 is Michael Keaton. [ Keaton is doing several facial expressions. ] And in first place, with $0, is our returning champion Burt Reynolds, who, of course, has yet to ring in. It’s time now for Double Jeopardy. And once again for this round contestants, I’d like to remind you, please, no cursing. Let’s take a look at the board. The categories are: “Continents”; “Theater”; “Potpourri”; “Potent Potables”; “Numbers”; “Words That Rhyme With Dog”; and finally, “The Renaissance.” And you know what, let’s just replace that last category with “Shapes.” [ Tile saying “The Renaissance” is flipped over to reveal “Shapes.” ] Burt Reynolds, you pick the category.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, give me, ah, Theater for $10,000.

Alex Trebek: Theater for $600. The answer is: This play by William Shakespeare was about a merchant who lived in Venice. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that was “Footloose”. [ nods ] Good flick, “Footloose”.

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Is this a horror flick we’re talking about? ‘Cause I love horror flicks.

Alex Trebek: It’s.. it’s not a flick at all.

John Travolta: Okay. “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question.John Travolta: That was a question! Who framed him? [ Keaton buzzes in. ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Keaton. [ Keaton just does facial expressions. ] Mr. Keaton. [ The buzzer sounds. ] I.. I don’t think we can accept facial expressions as an answer. Mr. Reynolds, it’s your board, pick a category.

Burt Reynolds: I’ll take the dog one.

Alex Trebek: All right, Words That Rhyme With Dog, for $400. And the answer is: It’s been a “Hard Day’s Night” I should be sleeping like a “This.” [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Chinese whore.

Alex Trebek: No. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Chinese whore doesn’t rhyme with dog.

Alex Trebek: That’s why it was a wrong answer. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: I’m Batman.

Alex Trebek: No, you are not. And the board still belongs.. [ Reynolds buzzes in several times. ] What, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I think, ah, I think my buzzer’s broken.

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not, you just buzzed in.

Burt Reynolds: No I didn’t. [ buzzes in several more times. ] I think it.. I think it’s broken.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Travolta, why don’t you pick a category.
John Travolta: Continents for $600.

Alex Trebek: And it’s the Audio Daily Double. How much do you want to wager?

John Travolta: I’m gonna play it safe. I’ll wager $0.

Alex Trebek: All right, for $0. Here’s your Audio Daily Double clue: Name this continent. [ A voice says “Asia.” Travolta doesn’t answer. ] Mr. Travolta. [ The voice says “Asia” again. The buzzer sounds. ] Time has run out. The answer was “Asia.” [ Reynolds pats Travolta on the back. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ah, tough luck there buddy, huh?

Alex Trebek: Okay, moving on. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] What is it, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ points at Travolta ] Check out this guy’s back.

John Travolta: What? [ turns around to reveal a “Kick Me” sign. ]

Alex Trebek: That’s nice, you put a “Kick Me” sign on Mr. Travolta’s back.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, ha-ha.

John Travolta: Oh that’s, that’s good.

Burt Reynolds: I did it when he.. I did it when he wasn’t looking.

Alex Trebek: That’s very nice. Good job, Burt. Tell you what, we’re gonna let Michael Keaton pick a category.

Michael Keaton: All right, um, Number. See, because sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down. Let’s do that now, shall we? Numb, see, if you’re numb, you can’t feel. [ pauses for a second ] See, yeah if you’re numb you can’t feel. And then Ber..

Alex Trebek: Numbers for $800. And the answer is: This number comes between five and seven. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: ..See and then Ber, if you’re, you know if you’re cold, that’s the sound that you would make. I guess I, I guess my answer will be uh, somebody who can’t feel that they’re, uh, that they’re cold.

Alex Trebek: No.

Michael Keaton: What is somebody who can’t feel when they’re cold?

Alex Trebek: No, no Mr. Keaton, I know what you’re trying to do. Just stop. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Mr. Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I think I fixed it. My buzzer, I think I fixed it. [ buzzes in repeatedly ]

Alex Trebek: I see. You know what, let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy with every player in negative numbers. And the category is…you know what, this is way too hard, I’m just gonna make one up. How about your favorite food? Just write down whatever food you personally like most, any food you like to eat. [ music starts ] Your favorite food. [ Keaton walks over to Reynolds’s podium ] Keep in mind you can’t be wrong. You can even lie to me and just put down a food. [ music stops ] Okay, and put down your pens. Mr. Travolta, let’s see what you put. Your favorite food is.. [ shows his screen ] Miso. A type of soup, excellent! And your wager.. [ shows his wager ] Horny. Me, so horny. [ Travolta laughs. ] Great.

John Travolta: Come on, that’s hilarious! Come on!

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not. Now, let’s look at Mr. Reynolds’s answer. [ shows his screen ] Check out Keaton’s back. [ Keaton turns around to reveal the “Kick Me” sign. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha!

Alex Trebek: Right. Very funny.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, he didn’t know it was on there.

Alex Trebek: Shut up. Just shut up. Let’s see what Mr. Keaton came up with. You wrote.. [ shows his screen ] Val Kilmer sucks.

Michael Keaton: I’m Batman.

Alex Trebek: Okay, and your wager.. [ shows his wager ] George Clooney sucks. Well, no one won, apparently.

Burt Reynolds: I won.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn’t.

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I did.

Alex Trebek: Anyway. That’s it for Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again, no money will be given to charity.

Burt Reynolds: Seriously, I did win.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn’t.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I did.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: GohanDZ

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Molly Shannon
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Cheri Oteri
Martell…..Tracy Morgan
Caller #4…..Colin Quinn

Leon Phelps: I am Leon Phelps, and how y’all doing tonight? I am ready for the show, I’ve got some Courvoisier cognac, and my scented candles, and I’m ready to take your calls, so, uh, just dial the number that you see flashing below there, and you can talk to me, Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Alright. Go ahead, caller.

Caller #1: Hi. Is this The Ladies Man?

Leon Phelps: It’s a lady!

Caller #1: Yeah, uh, I got really drunk, and I had unprotected sex with this guy I met at a bar last night.

Leon Phelps: Well, that sounds alright.

Caller #1: No. I’m really scared. I mean, what if I get a disease?

Leon Phelps: Well, it’s cool, because, uh, you know, I have been with many fine ladies, and, uh, many of them were very skanky, and, consequently, The Ladies Man has had a few diseases. But I have rebounded every time. That’s why they call me The Ladies Man. So, Caller, never look back, and practice safe intercourse, okay? Alright, next caller?

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but..

Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!

Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes. There are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh.. may I suggest you consider the butt?

Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to takesuggestion ]

Leon Phelps: Hello? Alright, then, I’m going to take a sip off this Courvoisier, ’cause it’s getting chilly in here. [ sips Courvoisier ] Alright, then, next caller, go ahead. This is The Ladies Man.

Caller #3: Hello, Ladies Man.

Leon Phelps: Hey, it’s a lady! How you feeling tonight, lady?

Caller #3: Well, not so good. I’m having some problems with my self-esteem.

Leon Phelps: Your self-esteem. Yeah. Now, what is that?

Caller #3: Well.. I don’t feel good about myself.

Leon Phelps: Oh no, now, that’s not good. Uh, why do you feel that way?

Caller #3: Well, I have a bit of a weight problem, and it’s hard, you know, to meet guys.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, yeah, well, The Ladies Man is here to help you. Um.. so tell me, uh, how fat are you?

Caller #3: I’m like, 210.

Leon Phelps: Now, that is big. Um, I was not expecting you to say anything over 200 pounds. Uh, I was basically expecting, like, 130, 135.. yeah, you are a big woman. Um, my advice to you is to, uh, avoid any type of food product that your neighborhood supermarket might try to sell you. [tips glass] But here’s to you, Fat Lady. The Ladies Man loves you, but not in any type of sexual, or love-type way. [laughing] I see my stage manager Martell finds the plight of that last call amusing.

Martell: Hey, yo, Leon, whatchoo doing after the show tonight, man? You going to the club?

Leon Phelps: No, no, no, no. I’ve got some plans, man.

Martell: So, whatchoo gonna be doing then, bro?

Leon Phelps: Well, um, I don’t want to get into the particulars, um.. but I know that a bottle of Courvoisier and a lady will definitely be involved, you know what I mean?

Martell: Right on, then!

Leon Phelps: Yeah. Okay, next caller, go ahead. You got The Ladies Man.

Caller #4: Yeah, hi, Ladies Man. Sometimes when I’m in the shower at the gym, with a bunch of guys, I get aroused. Is that normal?

Leon Phelps: Yes, basically, that is a normal response. It’s natural to have those kind of feelings, but, uh, what I want to know is, uh, how a fine lady like yourself could have such a deep voice?

Caller #4: I’m a man.

Leon Phelps: Well, the first thing I would tell you is to keep that secret to yourself, you know? Um, that is something that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life, and you can never tell. Thank you, Caller. Uh, listen, at this point, I feel that I should say to my viewers that, uh, The Ladies Man does not want any more calls like that. Okay? Because those calls, they disturb The Ladies Man, okay? Thanks very much. Well, I can tell by the empty bottle of Courvoisier that it is time to say goodnight. So, uh, look out, ladies, ’cause here comes Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man!

SNL Transcripts