SummarySaturday Night Live entered its 23rd season with hardly any changes. Mark McKinney was gone, but featured performer Colin Quinn was promoted to full cast member (though hardly noticed the first half of the season). Rob Smigel’s “TV Funhouse” was overshadowed throughout the year by a naughty puppet sketch called “The Go-Lords”, and Jack Handey returned his humor to the show with “The Lost Deep Thoughts”, a restructured version of his “Deep Thoughts” which dominated SNL in the early 90’s. Halfway through the season, NBC West Coast President Don Ohlmeyer fired Norm MacDonald from his duties as Weekend Update Anchor, placing Colin Quinn behind the desk for the January 11th, 1998 show. Ohlmeyer insisted MacDonald was not funny on Update, but did find him funny in sketches, which MacDonald felt were not his strong points. By the March 7th, 1998 broadcast, Norm MacDonald parted ways with SNL to seek fame and fortune through other venues. At the center of this unbalanced season can be found a guest appearance by Jack Nicholson, offering his opinion of castmembers’ impressions of him (“You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”), and walking in on a therapy session for the Roxbury Guys.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: September 27th, 1997 Sylvester Stallone Jamiroquai None Richard Jewell OprahSummary: Marv Albert (Norm MacDonald) discusses his bizarre sexual fetishes with Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows). Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Marc Albert, Mike Tyson. Transcript
Montage
Sylvester Stallone’s MonologueSummary: Rocky’s fight mananger, Mickey (Jim Breuer), helps Sylvester Stallone prepare to do a monologue befitting of a champ. Recurring Characters: Mr. T. Bio: Sylvester Stallone (1946-). Actor/director/producer/screenwriter; wrote and starred in the 1976 Academy Award winning Best Picture, “Rocky”, which has spawned five sequels; also starred in the Rambo film series, beginning with “First Blood” (1982); a shareholder of the Planet Hollywood restaurant franchise.
Xerox Assjet 790Summary: The printer that perfects ass duplication every time.
Rita’s New CarSummary: Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) is thrilled about the new Cadillac her husband Vinnie (Sylvester Stallone) just bought, until she finds out her neighbor Janelle (Molly Shannon) got the first ride before her. Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio. Transcript
Car AccidentSummary: After witnessing a horrific automobile accident, Sylvester Stallone attempts to comfort the dying victim (Norm MacDonald) who keeps badmouthing all of his movies. Transcript
The Roxbury GuysSummary: Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) take Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) club-hopping, where they learn that the nimble boxer doesn’t know how to dance. Recurring Characters: Steve Butabi, Doug Butabi. Transcript
Reno’s InvestigationSummary: Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) takes a sock in the chest from Richard Jewell. Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton.
TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel has “Fun With Real Audio” by giving Humphrey Bogart problems with flatulence during outtakes from “Casablanca.”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) sings “Sausage of Pain.” Norm MacDonald interrogates wrongly-accused Olympic Park bomber suspect, Richard Jewell. Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun. Transcript
Jamiroquai performs “Alright”Summary: As Sylvester Stallone introduces the night’s musical guest, a riled-up Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) demands to know why he wasn’t ask to co-star in “Copland” with the other Martin Scorcese regulars. Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci. Bio: English acid jazz/funk/soul band; members: Jason Kay, Derrick McKenzie, Sola Akingbola, Toby Smith, Wallis Buchanan, Simon Katz, Stuart Zender, DJ D-Zire – Turntables, John Thirkell.
Orange JuliusSummary: A demented computer salesman (Sylvester Stallone) longs for the days when the building was still an Orange Julius. Transcript
The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey reflects on a mosquito trying to suck blood from a mummy. Transcript
Planet HollywoodSummary: Two of Sylvester Stallone’s biggest fans (Tracy Morgan, Jim Breuer) bother him at the opening of the newest Planet Hollywood. Transcript
Lou’s Lovely DaughtersSummary: Aging dad, Lou (Sylvester Stallone), uses a cable access show in his desperate attempt to find husbands for his less-than-appealing adult daughters. Recurring Characters: Francesca, Maria, Josephine. Transcript
More Songs I Rewrote To Honor Dead PeopleSummary: Elton John (Will Ferrell) has retooled “Candle in the Wind” in honor of Princess Di, but that’s just the beginning of his self-plagierism. Recurring Characters: Elton John. Note: This sketch had to be cut off early because the show was running long. It aired in full a few weeks later, when it was edited into a repeat of an episode hosted by Rob Lowe from the previous season. Incidentally, that repeat had previously been interrupted by the news of Princess Di’s death, and the same edited rebroadcast resurfaced during a Classic SNL airing years later.
Sylvester Stallone: Okay! Thanks to Richard Jewell and Jamiroquai! To my beautiful wife and Sophia: I’ll be home soon! [ blows the audience a kiss ] Bye!
Customer: I run a small business out of my home, and I’m looking for a personal computer with a Pentium Processor.
Leon: Well, this computer over here really kicks ass. So, will that be cash or charge?
Customer: Th-this is nice, but it doesn’t have a Pentium Processor.
Leon: No, but you got to ask yourself, in 1997, who really needs one of those Pa-sonium Pa-cess-isers?
Customer: Pentium Processors. And, yes, I do.
Leon: Yeah, but this computer isboss! [ mumbles ]
Customer: It may be boss, but I need a Pentium Processor. Do you even know what one is?
Leon: Well.. I-I worked in this store since it was an Orange Julius, so.. no, I don’t..
Customer: Well.. can I talk to someone who does know?
Leon: Sure, I’ll get someone.. [ he walks to a back room, then resurfaces a moment later ] No one knows.
Customer: No one in the store knows what a Pentium Processor is??
Leon: No, no. As a matter of fact, I asked a lot of people. In fact, Doug the manager told me that you’re probably a crazy street person coming off the street, just talking gibberish words.
Customer: Pentium Processor isn’t gibberish! Anyone who works in a computer store should know that!
Leon: Are you calling Doug, my manager, a liar?
Customer: This.. this is ridiculous!
Leon: I’ll tell you what is ridiculous. I’ll tell you – you know, in this day and age, for a crazy guy to come in this store asking for a Kryptonite Processor-izer.
Wallace: [ entering the scene ] I’m sorry.. is there a problem here?
Customer: Yes, there is. Are you Doug, the manager?
Wallace: Uh, there’s no Doug working here. I’m Wallace.
Customer: [ confused ] Okay, well.. this guy told me you don’t have Pentium Processors.
Wallace: [ pointing forward ] Well, here’s one right here.
Customer: [ relieved ] Thank you!
Wallace: Sure. Pleasure to help. You got this one there, Leon?
Leon: No problem, Doug! [ Wallace exits to back of store ]
Customer: His name’s Wallace!
Leon: No, I forget sometimes.. you see, my old manager at the Orange Julius is named Doug, and, uh.. anyway, I think I should tell you, the.. uh.. computer you’re looking at is for gays.
Customer: What?!
Leon: Gays, gays, gays, gays.. [ looking around the store ] You know what you want? You want one of these computers over here where the food comes out of, you know? It’s right here.. [ points to a vending machine ] This is a “Star Trek” computer..
Customer: That’s.. that’s a vending machine..
Leon: No, no, no.. it’s a very tricky computer. If you push A-1, these chips come out like that. But you have to be very smart to operate it, because.. uh.. you have to be kind of like Captain Clark.
Customer: You mean, Captain Kirk.
Leon: [ thinking about it ] Clark. Captain Clark. [ pause ] Do you want an Orange Julius?
Customer: [ upset, looking around frantically ] Can we get Wallace back in here?!
Wallace: [ walking back in ] There you are! Is everything alright?
Leon: [ smiling, pointing to vending machine ] He wants to buy this computer.
Wallace: I’m sorry, Sir. That’s not a computer, that’s a vending machine.
Customer: I don’t want to buy the vending machine.
Leon: Aw, but, come on, can’t we make him a special deal, or something? This is a good one..
Wallace: Well.. I guess we can call the manufacturer..
Customer: [ furious ] No! I don’t want to buy that!
Wallace: I’m terribly sorry, Sir. Was there a problem with this computer here? [ acknowledges the one he pointed out earlier ]
Customer: He said it was for gays!
Wallace: [ thinking how to remedy the situation ] You’re doing a great job, Leon! [ pulls customer aside, as Leon exits to back room ] Can I talk to you over here for a second, Sir?
Customer: What is this guy’s problem?
Wallace: Look.. uh.. that’s Leon. He’s a good guy. He used to work at the Orange Julius that was here before..
Customer: Yeah.. he told me..
Wallace: Well, when they closed the Orange Julius, he wouldn’t leave. So, the day we moved in, we found him sleeping in the back on the floor. He stood up with a cup of nails and said, “Uh, do you want to buy a cup of Orange Julius?”
Customer: [ shocked ] Oh, my God..
Wallace: Yeah.. so, just do the guy a favor – buy the vending machine.
Customer: What?! No! I’m not..
Wallace: Look, it’s not that much money. It’s, like, $3,900.
Leon: [ walking back in ] Doug? Doug? I just got the paperwork started for this Star Trek Potato Chip machine computer..
Wallace: [ encouraging ] Alright! Good job, Leon! Will that be cash or charge, sir?
Customer: [ angry ] I’m not buying the vending machine!
Leon: Look, Mister, you seem nice, but.. the truth is, I don’t, I don’t got much, you know? [ piano music over background ] A couple years ago.. I was working.. at Julius, and I was a bigshot! I really was. But then they shut us down.. and I tried to open my own Orange Julius, but everyone got sick, really sick, and some died and everything. But.. I don’t know.. maybe I’m just not a lucky guy.. and, and, and, and.. maybe, a guy like me doesn’t deserve anything like that..
Customer: No, Leon. You’re a wonderful man. With a big heart. And I think today’s your lucky day. Because, I’m Samuel K. Julius, grandson of the founder of Orange Julius.
Leon: [ excited ] YOU ARE?!!
Customer: Yes, I am. And I think you’re just the man to head up our brand new European division. How does that sound, Leon? Would you like to sell Orange Juliuses in Germany?
Leon: WOULD I EVER!! [ hugs customer ]
[ cut to Leon working counter of Orange Julius in Germany ]
Leon: [ Says “Welcome to Orange Julius” in German ] It’s a dream come true!!
[ Music Over: “The Men In My Little Girl’s Life”, Mike Douglas ]
[ open on tight shot of show title over old picture of Lou and his three daughters when they were cute kids ]
[ pull out to reveal an older Lou with two of his daughters, who have since grown up to be quite unpleasant to the eye ]
Lou: [ chuckles ] Hey, Josephine! Come on, Sweetie, the show’s starting.. please?
Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] I’m not coming down there, I wouldn’t be caught DEAD on your STUPID show!!
Lou: Hello, everybody. Welcome to “Lou’s Lovely Daughters”. I’m Lou, and these are my two lovely daughters, Francesca and Marie. And my younger daughter up there, Josephine, she’s upstairs..
Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] Go to hell!!
Lou: [ laughs ] She has a great sense of humor, that Josephine! Wave to the camera, girls! [ Francesca and Marie wave awkwardly ] Aren’t they beautiful? Okay, I’m gonna be straight with you here.. I raised them by myself from the time they was very little, and on account of their mother dying from a slip on the ice in front of Vito’s Steakhouse – [ they all sign the cross ] God rest her soul – some people can say I should get a free dinner from that Vito.. really..
Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] You probably killed her yourself!!
Lou: My Josephine, she’s very lively, okay? Anyway, I done a good job with them on a baker’s salary. But I mean, come on, enough is enough, capiche? It’s time, listen here.. if you want to date one of my daughters, give me a call – I’ll throw in a dozen fresh rolls. [ grabs Francesca’s arm ] Now, this is Francesca. Truth? Not for nothing, she’s no Raquel Welch. But she’s special like her old man, isn’t that right, Francesca?
[ phone number 718-555-0100 flashes onscreen ]
Francesca: [ shy ] Yeah, if you say so, Dad!
Lou: And I’m telling you, this is the truth, she does the best impression of Mae West, it’s out of this world, go on, show them..
Francesca: Dad..! I haven’t done that since fourth grade..!
Lou: I know, honey.. please.. you got a gift, share it with the people of the world, come on..
Francesca: Alright.. [ stands ] “Hey.. come on up and see me sometime, big boy.”
Lou: [ claps ] What can I tell you! She’s a star! I’m blessed! I’m blessed! Come on, give me a call, please! Now.. maybe this is a good time to share your news, honey.
Francesca: [ shy ] Daaadd..!
Lou: Come on, come on!
Francesca: [ pause ] I lost 3 pounds..
Lou: [ claps ] Isn’t that terrific, everbody! She joined the Jenny Craig.. Come on, stand up and show them your new figure, come on, please, please..
Francesca: [ stands and poses ]
Lou: The kid looks like a movie star! I’m blessed.. I’m blessed.. [ phone rings ] Girls, we got a call! [ answers ] Hello?
Voice of Salvatore: Hiya, Lou.
Lou: Salvatore, what do you want? Sal, I’m doing a show, what do you want?
Voice of Salvatore: Forget about it. You come to the club, you play some cards – let ’em find their own dates.
Lou: Sal, I gotta go, you’re tying up the line. That means some kid who owns a suit might be trying to get through.
Voice of Salvatore: Okay.
Lou: Aw, come on..
Voice of Salvatore: Okay.
Lou: [ hangs up ] Josephine, hurry up, you’re missing the whole show!
Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] Go suck an egg, Pop!!
Lou: “Go suck an egg, Pop!” [ laughs ] Francesca, go get your sister, please, but please hurry up, we’re running out of time, okay?
[ Francesca runs upstairs ]
Marie: Dad? What about me?
Lou: [ hugs her ] Oh, sure, darling! I was just getting to you! And now, we’re getting to the musical genius of the family! Marie here can play any Tony Bennett song on the accordian! Play, play the music.
Marie: [ stands and plays her accordian ]
Lou: Is she something? Come on, call! What’s the matter with you people?! The kid’s a genius, she’s like.. what do you call.. petite, she won’t take up much room.. Flash the number, Ralphie! Come on, if you call now I’ll throw in a dozen cannolis for you! Please! Somebody help me! Take them off my hand! I want to retire! You see, I have a time-share in Florida.. honey, give ’em the baton, the baton never fails..
Marie: [ starts twirling the baton as she plays the accordian ]
[ phone rings ]
Lou: [ answers ] Hello?
Voice of Caller: Yeah, I think you’re a disgusting, chauvenist pig!
Lou: [ hangs up ] Woman libbers! [ chuckles ] Listen. please don’t bother calling this show unless you’ve got some hair on your chest.. please.. okay?
Marie: Dad.. I got hair on my chest..
Lou: Yeah, please.. [ covers her mouth ] She means.. she’s the best! Not hair on her chest! Please.. keep it to yourself, Maria, okay..?
Francesca: [ runs down ] Hey, Dad, Josephine’s coming downstairs! I caught her going through your pockets for loose change!
Lou: You what?
Josephine: [ enters the basement smoking a cigarette, revealing herself to be nearly nine months pregnant ] Turn that thing off! I want to see “Baywatch Nights”, Pop!
Lou: Josephine is my pride and joy! And, as you can see, Josephine has already had a date, and things didn’t go too good..
Josephine: Thet went great..!
Lou: Really? Listen.. whoever done this, I’m not mad. Come back! Be a man! We’ll set you up with a job at the bakery – obviously, you’re not good at too many things, but you are good at putting buns in the oven! Alright.. come on. I love these girls, but I’m telling you, they’re about as uneasy to load as five-day donuts, so come on, please? Give me a call! I’ll throw in a month of my time-share! [ phone rings; Lou answers ] Hello?
Voice of Salvatore: Yeah, Lou.. I want to take your daughter out..
Lou: Which one?
Voice of Salvatore: The one that comes with the time-share..
Lou: Is that you, Sal?
Voice of Salvatore: [ laughs ] Yeah!
Lou: Hey, Sal, I told you to quit joking around! Please!
Lou: Okay, take care..
Josephine: Hiiii, Sallll…!
Lou: Damn! You know what? We’re out of time. Okay.. fine, no problem. But even though nobody called, you should take down this number, ’cause in a few hours or so, you’re gonna remember that Lou’s lovely daughters really are lovely, lovely, lovely! Say goodbye, girls.
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows Marv Albert…..Norm MacDonald Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan
Oprah Winfrey: Hi, welcome back! I hope everyone had a great summer, because I sure did – I lost 20 pounds! Thank you! And I gained 35. Oh, you stop it now! Now, today’s show is another installment of the Oprah Book Club, and honey, we have a beautiful inspirational book that can teach us to be better people. It’s the story of one man’s struggle to rise from humble beginnings to national fame. The title is: “I’d Love To, But I Have A Game”, by Marv Albert. He’s here with us today, so please welcome Mr. Marv Albert!
[ Marv Albert walks out and sits down across from Oprah ]
So, Marv.. you wrote this book, and you’re here to talk about it?
Marv Albert: Well, that’s right, Oprah, and I’d really like to thank you for giving me this opportunity.
Oprah Winfrey: Well, forget about it, ’cause it ain’t gonna happen! Now, let’s talk about you and those choppers of yours – you likes to get freaky!
Marv Albert: Well.. yessss!
Oprah Winfrey: Now, honey, I hear you like to wear women’s panties?
Marv Albert: Yessss!
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. you even like to wear nipple clamps?
Marv Albert: Yessss!
Oprah Winfrey: Hmm.. you ever use an ass bracelet?
Marv Albert: Yessss… andddd.. it hurtssss!
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm.. you go, girl! How about the Squirmy Rooter?
Marv Albert: Oh, my God, yessss!!
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm, mmm, mmm.. I am scared of you, honey! Now, here’s the difference between you and me, Marv – I like to eat baklava, babyback ribs, back bacon.. but you like to eat back.
Marv Albert: Yessss… anddd.. assss! [ pause ] But the biting incident for which I was arrested, Oprah, was a case of mistaken identity.
Oprah Winfrey: Now, whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Marv?
Marv Albert: Well, I did bite her.. but it was late, and it was dark, and I thought she was a.. pizza!
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. And when did you realize that she wasn’t a pizza?
Marv Albert: Well, Oprah, to tell you the truth, usually when I eat pizza, I do not have a full erection!
Oprah Winfrey: Well, it sounds like a pretty reasonable excuse. We have a question from the audience? [ points ] Yes.
[ Mike Tyson stands in the front ]
Mike Tyson: Yes. I would just like to say that I love your show, Miss Oprah.
Marv Albert: Fellow back-biter Mike Tyson in the crowd!
Mike Tyson: And I believe that Marv was provoked into biting that woman. I believe that. Youre a pretty good guy.
Marv Albert: Yesss, it’s true! The pizza head-butted me!
Oprah Winfrey: Okay, Marv.. now, what about this menage-a-trois business? I hear you like to get it on with a lady and another man.
Marv Albert: Well, I’m glad you brought that up, Oprah.. that is completely untrue, it was a very hurtful allegation. And the only thing that helped me through it was the support of my fiancee, Heather.. [ show Heather in the audience ] ..and our close family friend, Roddd.. [ show Rod in the audience, topless except for a bow tie ]
Oprah Winfrey: Yes.. well.. it is great to have the support of your fiancee..
Marv Albert: And it’s great to have the support of Roddd!
Oprah Winfrey: Well.. Marv.. this may be your last chance to call a live broadcast. Is there anything you’d like to say?
Marv Albert: Absolutely! “Live.. from New York.. it’ssss.. Saturday Night!”
…..Sylvester StalloneWaitress…..Molly Shannon White fan…..Jim Breuer Black fan…..Tracy Morgan
(Opens with an outside shot of Planet Hollywood in New York City. Cut to the inside where action mega-star Sylvester Stallone is getting up from a table.)
Waitress: On behalf of Planet Hollywood, I just want to thank you so much for coming. We were so excited to have you. Everyone was thrilled.
(shake hands)
Sylvester Stallone: It was my pleasure. And really, keep up the good work.
Waitress: Thank you so much. Thank you.
Sylvester Stallone: That´s ok.
(A guy in a jean jacket slaps Stallone´s back hard)
White Fan: Stallone!!! Oh, my God!, oh, my God!, oh, my God! Hold on, where´s my buddy?! JOEY! GET THE CAMERA! GET THE CAMERA!
Sylvester Stallone: No, no, no…I have to go, I have to go…
White Fan: Yo´! You don´t understand, man!! Yo´! Yo´! You know how many times I´ve seen “Rocky”?! You know how many times I´ve seen “Rocky”?! We´re talking like 46, man!!!
Sylvester Stallone: Really?
White Fan: You´re kidding me?! “Copland”? We are talking OSCAR!!!(raises fists up)
Sylvester Stallone: (embarrassed) Please, please, come on.
White Fan: Joey, get the camera!
Sylvester Stallone: Thank you very much but I really don´t have time for pictures.
White Fan: Joey, in the back! Get the camera! Yo´, I don´t mean this in a gay way….
Sylvester Stallone: No, nah…
White Fan: But you´re my idol!!!(puts arms up, hugs Stallone roughly) Dude, I cannot even believe that I´m talking to you, man!!!
Sylvester Stallone: I can´t believe it myself. Thank you. (forced laugh)
White Fan: I´ll be right back! Wait till my friend sees ya´! (runs out)
Sylvester Stallone: No,no,no. I´m not gonna be here, I´m not gonna be here.
Black Fan: AAAAHHH!! Rambo!! You´re better than Gumby dammit! Wait till I tell my wife who I saw! Rambo!!!
Sylvester Stallone: No,no,no.
Black man: Yo´,oh man! I love how you jumped out that tree and cut that pig! You should see how my wife cooks chitlins!
Sylvester Stallone: Really? Thank you very much but…
Black Fan: Aaahhh!!! Oh, man!! Hey yo´, hey yo´. Rambo, you got to do a brother a solid, you got to do a brother a solid! I live right around the block, man. Would you come to my house and kiss my wife for me?! You gotta go to my home and kiss my wife!
Sylvester Stallone: I can´t. I don´t even know you.
Black Fan: Oh, man. What you talkin´about? You can´t kiss my wife?
Sylvester Stallone: It has nothing to do with your wife, really.
Black Fan: Oh, man! Check it. Anyway, yo´, you was in the woods, right? You remember that? And you got a deep gash in your arm…
Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…
Black Fan: And you ended up sewing up your own wound…
Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…
Black Fan: Check it, I was in jail, right?
Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…
Black Fan: And a dude stabbed me…
Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…
Black Fan: Guess what I did?! (Stallone mimics sewing the wound) I sewed up my own wound!!! Rambo!!!
Sylvester Stallone: That´s great. Well, its really nice to meet you…
Black Fan: I´m punking on you!
Sylvester Stallone: I really, I got to go, I just really…
Black Fan: You see? Ho, ho, ho. That´s why I feel you, Rambo! That´s why I feel you, Mr. Rambo. Cause the police could not track you down!
(White fan comes back with a camera and jumps on Stallone almost making him fall)
White Fan: WHAAA!!!
Sylvester Stallone: Oh, hey, hey, hey.
White Fan: Yo´!, whoa, not for nothing…
Black Fan: Not for nothing…
White Fan: I gotta be honest, I thought you were bigger, man!!
Black Fan: Me too!! (grabbing Stallone´s arm) Make a muscle, make a muscle, make a muscle.
Sylvester Stallone: I don´t need to make a muscle.
White Fan: Dude, I told my wife: “I´m bigger than Rocky!” “I´m bigger than Rocky!” How much money you making? Crazy money?!
Sylvester Stallone: Wait a minute, enough, enough. Seriously, I´m not Rocky, I´m not Rambo. I´m just a regular guy with a family…and really, I have to go. So, thank you.
Black Fan: One minute. One thing. Let me see that hunting knife that you be carrying. Where you hiding it? (pats Stallone down)
White Fan: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Give me one “Paulie”. “Yo´Paulie!”
Sylvester Stallone: Why would you do that?
White Fan: “Yo´,Paulie!” “Yo´, Paulie!” “Yo´, Paulie!”
(Stallone is losing patience. Shakes black fan´s hand)
Sylvester Stallone: Nice meeting you, Seriously, thank you. I´m just asking you to get out of my way.
White Fan: What you talking about? You do it for millions of people, you can´t do one for me?! How hard can it be?
Sylvester Stallone: In the movie…
White Fan: “Yo´, Paulie!”, “Yo´, Paulie!”
Black Fan: What´s up with that weak handshake you just gave me, man? You ain´t no Rambo!(pushes Stallone) You ain´t no Rambo!
White Fan: (towering over Stallone) Shorty! Shorty!
Sylvester Stallone: (getting angry) Shorty?
White Fan: Shorty!
Black Fan: You ain´t no Rambo! (pushing Stallone)
Sylvester Stallone: You´re crossing the line, guys. You are crossing the line, all right.
Black Fan: You ain´t no Rambo, man! You are not no Rambo, man.
Sylvester Stallone: (very angry) You know, this is the reason why I don´t go out, because of guys like you, all right.
White Fan: Keep truckin´, RAMBUM!!
(The fans laugh at Stallone and he just fills with rage, turns around and jumps on the duo)
Sylvester Stallone: Aaaarrgghh!!!
(White fan´s camera clicks and scene freezes on the attack)
(Newspaper headline. Extra. Daily Press. Attack is front page news)
(“Stallone sued for billions is fan attack”)
(Another newspaper headline of the Daily Press)
(A photo of the two annoying fans smoking cigars and standing next to Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger is front page news)
Rocky Balboa…..Sylvester Stallone Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan Mr. Arturo…..Darrell Hammond Jogger #1…..Jim Breuer Jogger #2…..Ana Gasteyer
FADE IN:
[ EXT. PHILADELPHIA – MORNING ]
[ MUSIC: “ROCKY” THEME ]
[ Rocky Balboa, wearing his trademark fedora and sweats, jogs the streets of Philly. A jogger jogs right up next to him. ]
Jogger #1: You’re the best, Rocky!!
Rocky Balboa: Oh thanks!
[ Rocky punches the jogger in the upper arm. He falls to the ground. A female jogger jogs up to Rocky. ]
Jogger #2: I love you, Rocky!!
Rocky Balboa: Oh thanks!
[ Rocky punches her in her arm and she falls back onto an oncoming OFF-SCREEN vehicle. The car’s horn blares. ]
Rocky Balboa: Sorry about the car!
[ The Butabi Bros. sandwich Rocky between them. ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT IS LOVE?” ]
Doug Butabi: Hey! How you doing!? Good to see you!
Steve Butabi: Yeah!
Doug Butabi: C’mon…
[ The guys grab hold of Rocky and take him away. ]
[ EXT. TIMES SQAURE – NIGHT ]
[ SUPER: TIMES SQUARE ]
[ INT. BUTABI CAR – NIGHT ]
[ The guys are bobbing their heads to Haddaway with Rocky in the front with them. Steve’s driving. The guys do their odd nose wipe. Doug demonstrates the wipe to Rocky, who studies him without interest. Doug does the wipe on Rocky’s nose. Rocky elbows Doug in the nose. ]
[ Doug applies pressure to his nose to prevent bleeding. Rocky realizes he had boogers and wipes them on his sweats. The guys resume head-bobbing. ]
[ EXT. CHINA CLUB – NIGHT ]
[ INT. CHINA CLUB ]
[ Clubgoers dance away. The crowd parts down the middle to REVEAL Rocky now dressed like Doug & Steve at the bar. The guys are downing Budweiser. Doug jumps to the front of the crowd. ]
[ He returns to the bar. Steve jumps to the front of the crowd. ]
Steve Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance? No? Alright.
[ Doug returns to the bar. Rocky faces the crowd. He cracks open a raw egg and dispenses it into a Tom Collins glass. He gulps it. ]
Steve Butabi: Go ahead…
Doug Butabi: Yeah! Go dance! C’mon…
[ Rocky modestly agrees and a woman steps forward to dance with him. He struts a few moves then starts trying to jab her with upper cuts. ]
The Roxbury Guys: No, no…
[ The woman takes off. “What is Love?” stops playing. Rocky throws his hands up. ]
Rocky Balboa: I CAN’T DO IT! I CAN’T DANCE!!
[ Rocky drops to the ground. The guys approach Rocky slow. ]
Doug Butabi: It’s okay…
Steve Butabi: It’s alright everybody…
Doug Butabi: You didn’t see anything…
Steve Butabi: It’s okay…
[ The guys lift Rocky up and make a swift exit with him while head-bobbing . ]
Steve Butabi: You’re gonna be alright…
Doug Butabi: You’re gonna be okay…
[ “What is Love?” resumes. The crowd filters onto the dance floor. ]
[ INT. BUTABI CAR – NIGHT ]
[ The guys are bobbing their heads. Rocky grimaces. He punches his finger into the CD player. ]
[ MUSIC: “EYE OF THE TIGER” ]
[ Rocky rocks out to the song. The guys wince. ]
Rocky Balboa: [singing] “It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the cream of the fight Risin’ up to the challenge of our rival And the last known survivor – “
[ Doug changes it back to “What is Love?”. He and Steve resume head-bobbing. Rocky grabs Doug by the face, shakes him, and throws him out of the vehicle. Rocky moves into Doug’s seat and gives Steve a cold-stone look. Steve minimizes his bobbing and continues driving. ]
[ EXT. MR. ARTURO’S SCHOOL OF NIGHTCLUB DANCING – NIGHT ]
[ INT. MR. ARTURO’S SCHOOL OF NIGHTCLUB DANCING ]
[ MR. ARTURO, a middle-aged instructor in a double-breasted club suit, bobs Rocky’s head until he can do it. The guys watch. ]
Mr. Arturo: YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT!!
Rocky Balboa: I GOT IT!!!
The Roxbury Guys: SCORE!
[ Rocky takes off. The Butabis bounce Mr. Arturo across each others’ chest. ]
Doug Butabi: Thank you, old man!
Steve Butabi: Thank you very much!
[ EXT. NYC – NIGHT ]
[ Rocky jogs bobbing his head. Several young children in club suits join him. ]
[ EXT. CHINA CLUB – NIGHT ]
[ SUPER: THE CHINA CLUB ]
[ INT. CHINA CLUB ]
[ Rocky and the guys are bobbing their heads at the bar. They face the crowd. ]
All: Me!? Him!? Me!? Him!? Me!? Him!?
Rocky Balboa: Guys… IT’S ME!!
[ Rocky dances out to the floor, doing everything from disco to breakdancing at an expert level. The children from earlier and the club crowd filter onto the dance floor. ]
[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]
Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!
[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald. Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Ah, this Thursday in an Arlington, Virgina courtroom, sportscaster Marv Albert accepted a plea bargain in his trial on forcible sodomy charges. This following revelations of Albert’s compulsion for biting women, three-way sex, and wearing panties and garters. Said Albert about his decision, quote, “At least I’ve still got my dignity.”
Attorney General Janet Reno said this week that she is fed up with Republicans complaining to the press that she has not named an independent counsel to investigate President Clinton’s fundraising. Said Reno, quote, “If these people don’t like the way I’m doing my job, let them come talk to me man-to-man.”
Well, the White House is an empty nest this week, following Chelsea Clinton’s departure to begin her studies at Stanford University. A wistful President Clinton says that while it’s difficult to see his daughter grow up, at least now he’ll feel less guilty about hitting on her friends.
According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, California’s population is expected grow nearly 18 million by the year 2025. Also by the year 2025, it will be much easier to find a vacant apartment in Mexico.
In international news, French president Jacques Chirac met this week with NATO Gener – NATO Secretary General Javiera Solona. [actually Javier Solana] During their meeting at the Elysee Palace, the two discussed possible reasons why Marv Albert would dress up in lingerie and bite women on the back while another guy watched. [delayed reaction, chuckles]
After closing out a successful first season, the WNBA is considering several changes to improve the level of play in the league next year. Among the proposals: extending the playoffs, increasing salaries, bringing back the three-point line, and replacing all the female players with guys.
Well, as you’re no doubt aware, Elton John’s musical tribute to Princess Diana, “Candle in the Wind ’97,” has become the fastest-selling CD in history. Well, in Dayton, Ohio, a local music chain had a wonderful idea to donate all its profits from the single to a local AIDS group. However, in a tragic piece of irony, “Weekend Update” has learned that the local AIDS group now plans to spend all of the money…on land mines.…What a world we live in….Dirty, dirty land mines!
Richard Thomas of Chicago is taking a novel approach to getting his wife Sally to quit smoking. He is suing her in U.S. District Court, asking a judge to order her to quit. Legal experts say they’re considering all factors. Mr. Thomas actually has a very good chance of never having sex with his wife again.
Well, last summer’s Lilith Fair tour marked the largest collection of female rock singers ever to tour together. Its opening act was a comedian. And here tonight is the headlining comic from that tour, Cinder Calhoun! Hi, Cinder.
[pan over to Cinder, who wears a red jacket and orange-rimmed glasses]
Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Norm. Um…I’m Cinder Calhoun. I’m not really still familiar with that label “stand-up comic,” um, I really consider myself more of a funny wordsmith folkist who came out of the uh, singer-songwriter tradition.
Norm: Yeah. So when did you, uh, discover that you were funny, Cinder?
Cinder: Um, actually, uh…it’s a funny story. I was backstage with Tracy Chapman at the Random Acts of Kindness Tour, uh, a couple years back, and…she was kind of down, sort of an emotional K-hole of sorts, you know. And…I really wanted to lift her spirits, so we decided to, you know, just take a ride down to the Juice Tent, um…and, so we get in her car, and I just turned to her and said, [singing] “You got a fast car.”…We practically peed our pants, we were laughing so hard, and…
Norm: Ohh. So that was your big start, huh?
Cinder: Well, right– well actually, uh, not in the same summer, uh, I was backstage with Tori Amos. She is hilarious! We were at Rage Against Incest, and…I was on – I was on a roll telling some pretty hardcore funny Palestinian folk tales, and…Fiona Apple walked up to me with an iced tea, and I just said in front of everybody, “Hey, who are you? Fiona Snapple?”…Anyway, after that, they immediately booked me as the opening comic on Lilith, so…
Norm: Well, that’s uh, that’s great. So are you gonna do, uh, you gonna do some of your act here for us tonight?
Cinder: Um, actually, I feel it’s my responsibility to really use this platform, uh, as a platform, you know, to really address a social issue.
Norm: Oh. Yeah, what would that be?
Cinder: Well, uh, I’ll tell you. Earlier today, um…I was going through my dream journal, and…I was, uh, pulling some jokes for my bit tonight, and I saw a [exaggerated Spanish accent] Latina woman, um…with a cart, selling beef franks. And…I guess I kind of was under the impression that we live in an evolved enough culture that doesn’t need to devour the murdered carcasses of innocent cows as a snack! So, um…[grabs her guitar] I hope you don’t mind, I wrote a song about it, and I’d like to share it, I think it’ll really move some people. It’s called, uh, “Sausage of Pain.” [song begins as she plays her guitar]
[croons wordlessly] There’s a lot of fighting in the world People getting killed with guns and tanks But no one seems to care about the edible missile Something called the all-beef frank You look down on the Unabomber But you eat beef franks like a poor man’s Jeffrey Dahmer I relish your mustard I…[croons wordlessly]
So cook them on a grill or boil them in water And take them out into that sausage of slaughter It’s a corn dog, kielbasa, hot tamale, or little hoagies, it don’t matter If you cut ’em up and put ’em into your Spaghetti-O – O – O – O – O – Os
It’s slaughter, it’s slaughter IT’S SLAUGHTER, IT’S SLAUGHTER SLAUGHTER, A GREAT SAUSAGE SLAUGHTER!
[croons wordlessly]
[end of song; cheers and applause]
Norm: Cinder Calhoun, everyone! [Cinder flashes the peace sign twice before leaving] She makes you laugh, she makes you think. She makes you think you’re laughing.
Well, according to published reports, Michael Jackson’s wife is now pregnant with the pop star’s second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his seven-month-old son is starting to lose his looks. [some boos]
Next month, the U.S. Postal Service will begin issuing stamps depicting Dracula, the Mummy, and Frankenstein’s monster. The stamps are part of a new series called, “People Who Abbott and Costello Have Met.”
According to new medical research, crack babies are as happy and healthy as normal children. You know, that’s amazing, you know. ‘Cause I thought they’d be much happier with all that crack in their system, you know, they…it’s crazy!
Former president Ronald Reagan is selling his Santa Barbara ranch to the federal government, which will turn it into a California state park. In what can best be described as a sweetheart deal for Reagan, he will get five million dollars for the 700-acre ranch, and he will still think he owns it. [shakes his head]…The rich get richer, you know? Ridiculous!
David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in Unabomber defendant Ted Kaczynski, said he plans to share the million-dollar reward money he will receive with the bombing survivors. He says roughly 400,000 dollars will go to the bombing victims, and the other 600,000 dollars he will blow on whores and cocaine.
And in central California, investigators have convened at the Tulane [actually Tulare] Canal to find out what killed sixteen hundred birds and over a million fish. Experts say ammonia poisoning is the probable cause, but if you ask me, what really killed them…was the paparazzi.
In a recent interview, Paul McCartney confessed that Bob Dylan turned the Beatles on to marijuana. In return, George Harrison turned Dylan on to looking old and haggard.
The terrorist bomb which exploded at the 1996 Summer Olympic Games in Atlanta may have claimed more than one victim. Shortly after the incident, the FBI falsely accused Atlanta security guard Richard Jewell of the crime, then waited a year to publicly clear his name. With us tonight to discuss his ordeal is Richard Jewell. Richard, thanks for coming on “Weekend Update.”
[pan over to Richard]
Richard Jewell: My pleasure, Norm!
Norm: Now Richard, in the interest of, uh, full disclosure, I should point out that as a result of Tom Brokaw’s on-air statement that you were, in fact, the bomber, our network, NBC, was forced to pay you an undisclosed sum of money.
Richard: That’s correct, Norm.
Norm: Now Richard, I should point out that it is, uh, pretty unusual for Tom Brokaw to make a mistake, I mean, uh…nearly three-quarters of the time, like, 60, 70 percent of the time, his stories are accurate.
Richard: I understand that.
Norm: Yeah, but you’re telling us, though, that this happened to be one of those one in three or maybe one in 2.7 times that he got it wrong? Well, I guess I…just gotta believe you.
Richard: I didn’t do it, Norm.
Norm: I see. So in other words…here you got Tom Brokaw. He does a hundred stories a week, 53 of which are basically accurate….Only 47 containing major errors of fact. And you just have the unbelievably bad luck, you’re telling us, to be one of the 47?
Richard: Yes, I guess so.
Norm: Well, I guess anything’s possible….All right, Richard, let’s change the subject. Now, less than a month ago, the world was stunned by the auto accident that took the life of Princess Diana.
Richard: Yes, and the o – the other two people as – also, yeah.
Norm: [begins to suspect something] Two other people? Well, you seem to know a lot about the accident there, Richard….Is that another bizarre coincidence or, uh…
Richard: No. I just read the papers.
Norm: Oh, you read the papers, huh? You ever uh, did you read the papers perhaps, in France?…You ever been to France, Richard?
Richard: No, not…no, I’ve never been to F–
Norm and Richard: Never been to France.
Norm: Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like you’ve never been to France, the way you were stuttering there!…Well, I’d like to check your…passport! Okay, let me ask you one question. Let’s get off this whole Lady Di thing, I’ll ask you a question that I know everyone in the audience is thinking. Were you, Richard Jewell, in any way involved in the death of Mother Teresa?
Richard: No, Norm, I was not!
Norm: Well, all right, Richard. If you say that, I’m gonna have to believe you. Richard Jewell, everyone!
[dismissively] Ah…he did it, he killed her. I was lookin’ him right in the eye, I could tell. Killed her in cold blood. Mother Teresa.
Well, finally, our congratulations to musician Ike Turner, who recently got married for the 13th time….The ceremony marked the first time that a minister performing a wedding has ever asked, “Does anyone here not object?” [almost no reaction, grimaces]
And that’s the news, folks! Good night!
[dissolve to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]
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