Category: 1997

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Issues

Jeffrey…Jim Breuer
Co-host…Brendan Fraser
Guest…Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with wide shot of “Issues” set: A chair, sofa and coffee table in front of a brick wall with a giant marijuana leaf hanging on it. Theme music plays. Cut to close-up of Jeffrey and co-host on the sofa. Co-host is giggling as Jeffrey talks.]

Jeffrey: [Eats some potato chips.] Hi. Hi, um, I’m Jeffrey Kauffman. Welcome to “Issues,” the show dedicated to the legalization of marijuana. But, no, but-but not today. Not today. [Co-host giggles and shakes his head.] ‘Cause people say that’s all we talk about. But we’re not, not today. Today, we’re talking about community issues. [Co-host keeps giggling] And as always, my co-host… [Jeffrey looks over at co-host giggling, which causes him to giggle for a second.] You all right, man? You going to be able to go through this, man? All right. If you say so. I’m gonna–Where’s your head at, man? [Co-host points to his head, then to the table.] All right, you’re here, you’re here. All right. So–I’m gonna go with you on that one. Now, today we have a guest. And she wanted to talk about some issues. [Co-host cracks up.] What, man? What’re you laughing at?

Co-host: The show, man. It’s called “Issues.”

Jeffrey: Yeah, so, the show’s called that. [Begins laughing along with co-host.] I see what you’re laughin’ at. That’s really funny. All right. [Takes a deep breath to regain his composure and turns to guest.] So, what–what’s your issue?

Guest: Well, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey: Uh, you know what? You know what? Call me, um … uh … oh, call … Just call me Jeffrey, man. I’m sorry.

Guest: O-Okay, Jeffrey, I’m here today to talk about the annual Saint Paul’s Festival …

Jeffrey: Eh, you know what? I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t make any sense just now. I was trying to think about what my friends called me in high school and I lost track and … I’m sorry. You’re talking about the festival thing. Go on, I’m sorry.

Guest: Well, it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival where we raise money to buy playground equipment for children, and…. [Jeffrey starts eating chips again, not paying attention, while co-host starts giggling again.] Hello? Hello?

Jeffrey: What?

Guest: Are-Are you all right?

Jeffrey: Oh yeah, yeah, no, I’m listening. You got your festival thing and everyone’s there and, no, I’m with you. I’m with you.

Guest: Well, there’ll be a cake walk and a bake sale.

Co-host: Bake sale? I’ll be there!

Jeffrey: [Laughing with co-host] Bake sale, he’ll be there! That’s funny! [Calms down.] Tell us about the festival.

Co-host: No. Tell us more about the baking! [Jeffrey and co-host laugh.]

Jeffrey: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please go on. Please go on. [Co-host is doubled over with laughter.]

Guest: Well, the festival is this Wednesday and it’s… [Tries to continue over the hosts’ laughter] … 10 A.M. to 10 P.M. at the fairgrounds.

Jeffrey: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. [To co-host] Listen, you gotta go in the other room. Get out. In the other room.

Co-host: No!

Jeffrey: Yes, go. Get outta here. [Hands co-host the bag of chips as he exits.] Take these with you. I don’t want anymore. [Calms down.] Okay, I really want to go to this festival, okay. So, when-when does it start?

Guest: [Impatiently.] It’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It starts at 10 A.M. and it goes until 10 P.M.

Co-host: [Yelling off-camera] I hope I don’t miss the bake sale. [Laughs]

Jeffrey: [Laughing] Hope he don’t miss the bake sale. That’s funny! [Panicked] Oh no! Oh no, oh no! What time is it?! Is it after three?

Co-host: I knew you were gonna forget, man!

Jeffrey: [Clutches head] Oh, no! I was supposed to pick up my parents at the airport at three! Oh my God, we’re dead. I’m so dead. [Runs out.]

Co-host: You blew it, man.

Guest: [Looks at camera.] Well it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It starts at 10 A.M., and it …

[Jeffrey and co-host run back to the set.]

Jeffrey: I gotta get my keys. Hold on, where’s my keys? Oh my God, I’m so dead.

Guest: I’m sorry, I don’t know.

Jeffrey: [Co-host shows him the keys.] What are you doing? You got me nuts.

Co-host: You told me to keep ’em, man. [Both exit.]

Jeffrey: You were supposed to remind me, man.

Guest: Again, it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It’s this Wednesday, and it starts at 10 A… [Theme music cuts her off.]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Lemon Glow

Housewife…..Molly Shannon
Husband…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Housewife entering suburban kitchen ]

Housewife: I love my family, but cleaning up after them can be a full-time job. That’s when I reach for Lemon Glow.

[ Music Over: “Lemon Tree” ]

Housewife: Only ten years ago, a clean kitchen was the last thing on my mind. I was sleeping in doorways and unlocked cars, and I had a pretty nasty speed habit. Hell, back then I’d do anyone who owned a motorcycle. I remember this one time in.. 1983 – I was going out with Frank. We got into a vicious fight because I made out with this Puerto Rican guy at the OTB. So I cut him with a broken ashtray.

[ admiring floor ] Wow! Look at that shine!

That night, while he was sleeping, I shot his dog and burned his house on fire. I never did find out if he woke up or not. And then after shacking up with Iggy Pop for a month, I met Ted.

Husband: [ entering kitchen ] Hey!

Housewife: [ surprised ] Hi! [ to camera ] To be honest, this whole family thing started out as a con. I was going to play Ted like a punk and sell his telescope for pot. But with Lemon Glow on my side, I think I’ll stay.

Announcer: Lemon Glow. For the home you weren’t sure you wanted.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Monday Night Football

Frank Gifford…..Darrell Hammond
Dan Dierdorf…..Will Ferrell
Al Michaels…..Norm MacDonald
…..Eric Dickerson

[ open on pan of exterior football stadium ]

Frank Gifford V/O: A beautiful night here in Northern California. A spectacular sight, a world-famous site – downtown San Francisco, here at 3Com Park. We’ll have a good cowd tonight, as the San Francisco 49ers go up against the Jacksonville Jaguars, here on “Monday Night Football”.

[ dissolve to Frank Gifford, Al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf on the sidelines ]

Frank Gifford: Hello again, everyone. Frank Gifford, with al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf, and.. Dan, what a night for football.

Dan Dierdorf: That’s right, Frank! In fact —

Frank Gifford: [ interrupting, dominating the commentary ] It’s a good game coming up for you tonight – Jacksonville at San Francisco! The 49ers coming off a big win over Tampa Bay, they’re 5 and 1, and their new coach has them riding high! Al Michaels, this one should be a dandy!

Al Michaels: Absolutely, Frank, we’ve got —

Frank Gifford: [ interrupting again ] As for Jacksonville, this is a good-looking team, a rising team, a young team, a talented football team! They came into the season thinking great things for this football team. The combination of Mark Brunell and these Jaguars seem like a match made in heaven! But, then, as happens in all marriages, it went terribly wrong.

Dan Dierdorf: [ starting to get worried ] Okay, uh, Frank..?

Frank Gifford: Mark Brunell going down due to a knee injury pre-season, against the New York Giants, August 9th. A moment of human weakness for Mark Brummell, just a man like all of us, with certain frailties and urges. and, worst of all, the whole ugly affair secretly captured on videotape!

Al Michaels: [ stunned ] Well, that’s great, Frank. Anyway, we’re about to kick off —

Frank Gifford: It’s supposed to be a private affair, between two consenting football teams! I guess there’s no such thing as privacy anymore! A momentary lapse resulting in public humiliation, the details of which, graphically recounted in Star Magazine. And, as if that isn’t bad enough, every morning he has to watch the Jacksonsville Jaguars sit down with a little guy named Regis! Yucking it up! Like the Jaguars never made a mistake in her whole life! I mean, Mark Brunell’s been with the Jaguars for so long, through thick and thin.. like that old K-Mart sweatshop thing. Then he blows out his knee out one time, and someone cuts his picture out of all the wedding photos!

Dan Dierdorf: [ dearly worried for Frank ] F-Frank.. why don’t we —

Frank Gifford: I guess if Eve hadn’t taken a bite from that apple, we’d all be perfect like the Man Upstairs. And poor Natrone Means, the Jaguars running back – who I’ll refer to as “Cody” from now on – getting caught in the middle of this whole sordid affair. It’s just not right! [ changing the subject ] So, gentlemen, what do you make of the field conditions for today’s game?

Al Michaels: Well.. [ coughs ] The field seems.. pretty.. good..

Dan Dierdorf: Yes.. yes, it does. Anyway —

Frank Gifford: Just when you think the whole thing’s blown over, the New York Giants show up on the cover of Playboy wrapped in a towel!

Dan Dierdorf: Hey, Frank, we’ve got a special guest in the booth tonight. Former NFL great, Rams running back – Eric Dickerson!

[ Al Michaels steps aside, as Eric Dickerson enters frame ]

Frank Gifford: Well, thanks for joining us, Eric. What do you make of this match-up tonight?

Eric Dickerson: Well, Frank, these two teams could very well —

Frank Gifford: [ interrupting again, more agitated ] Well, I’ve had enough of those Jaguars, I’m telling you! It’s enough to make a man go out and blow out his knee again! It’s not like he has anything to lose. Who knows, maybe Mark Brunell will go get his knee blown out tonight – freaky-style! – with, like, three other teams, maybe. It’s gonna be wild! We’ll be back with more Monday Night Football action after this commercial break. [ muttering to himself ] I mean, Mark Brunnel is still a good-looking man, and women do find him very appealing..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Brendan Fraser’s Monologue

…..Brendan Fraser

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen.. Brendan Fraser!

[ Brendan Fraser swings onto Home Base from a vine, like George of the Jungle ]

Brendan Fraser: Thanks! Thank you! [ audience cheers wildly ] Hello, everyone! [ grunts like a gorilla ] Oh, it’s great to be here! Did you have a good summer? I had a good summer – goofing around in this movie, “George of the Jungle.” Thank you, thank you. You know, it’s funny – people come up to me now and say, “Hey, George!” Or.. “You’re that guy, George.” Or.. “Hey! It’s fifty bucks for a table dance – George! I mean, it’s great. But not that many people get to know the real Brendan Fraser, and that’s why I thought it would be nice for you to get to know the real me. Know the things that Brendan really likes.

[ soft piano music pots up ]

I like, um.. the tender love of a good woman.

I like donating my time to charities.

I like milk.

I like slacks that come with a built-in belt.

I like taking long walks on the beach holding a shotgun that has my nickname scratched into it – “Real Cool Guy.”

I like watching “Breaking 2: Electric Boogaloo.” With the sound turned off.

I like standing outside “The Today Show” and licking the window.

I like that my internet name is “Frendan Braser”, and nobody knows that it’s me! [ laughs slyly ]

I like referring to couches as Davenports.

I like pretending blueberry Kool-Aid is Windex, and making believe I’ve been poisoned!

I like being the king of my world, especially that two-acre world I made out of oatmeal and popsicle sticks.

I like you. A lot. Really. Do you want to hang out some time? If you do, then just check the Yes box.

[ Yes and No boxes appear on the screen ]

And, if oyu don’t, then check the No box. [ quickly ] I like the Yes box.

I like scrambled eggs made of love.

I like tonight’s musical guest – Bjork.

[ audience applauds ]

And I like that we have a great show tonight!

But what I really like is saying, “Stick around, we’ll be right back!” So.. stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Janet Reno’s Fantasy

Janet Reno…Will Ferrell
Bill Clinton…Darrell Hammond
Rep. John Conyers, Jr….Tim Meadows

[Opens with shot of Capitol dome, then dissolves to exterior of house with super “Home of Attorney General Janet Reno, Washington, DC.”]

Janet Reno: Work, work, work. If I’d known being Attorney General was this hard, I would’ve stayed in Florida.

[Dissolve to interior of Janet Reno’s bedroom. She is lying on a bed in her pajamas, holding a remote control and cuddling a giant, stuffed doll of Simba from “The Lion King.”]

Janet Reno: But just think, Simba, only 41 more White House videotapes, then we can watch “Harriet The Spy.” There he is, Simba, Bill Clinton. And he’s having coffee with a bunch of Chinese people.

[Cut to video of Chinese men in suits drinking coffee inside the White House. Bill Clinton enters.]

Bill Clinton: Hi! How y’all doin’? I’m President Bill Clinton. How do y’all like the coffee? Is it honorable enough for ya? [Laughs and shakes one man’s hand.] Just kiddin’. It’s good to see ya, good to see ya. But actually, y’all prefer tea to coffee, don’t ya? [Chuckles, then soundsworried.] Anyone here speak English?

Janet Reno: Boy, he’s layin’ it on thicker than a whore’s eyeshadow.

Bill Clinton: You see, you want-ee good relations. You want-ee save face with most favored nation status, then y’all gotta write a check-ee! [Mimics writing and switches to mock Chinese accent.] Make-a President Clint-a happy as dancing dragon!

Janet Reno: [Shuts tape off.] Yuck! This whole thing makes me feel sick! And to think, this whole time Clinton’s been down in South America, “romancing the bone” as they say. Well, guess what, Simba? [Sits up and mimes rowing with a pillow.] This bed’s a raft, and it’s gonna take me all the way down to South America right now. … Wow, we’re really out to sea right now, Simba. Look over there! There’s Gilligan’s Island. … Okay, now we’re in South America. [Takes Simba doll and looks it in the eyes.] Okay, President Clinton. Did you use the White House for illegal campaign fundraising or did you not? “Yes, Janet, I did. I’m sorry. Will you kiss me now?” Okay [Passionately kisses Simba doll.] Okay, now we have to get married. [Gets out of bed and walks to the window, using the curtains as a veil.] I have a beautiful dress I picked out. It’s so pretty. Janet Reno and the President of the United States are here to be married today. Is there anyone that objects? “Yes, we do. We’re the Republicans. Rrrrrrr.” [Phone rings] Hello?

John Conyers, Jr.: Hi, Janet. It’s Representative John Conyers, Jr. from Michigan.

Janet Reno: Oh hi, Conny.

John Conyers, Jr.: Say, Janet, I wanted to apologize to you about my opening statements at your judiciary hearing. I hope I wasn’t too hard on you.

Janet Reno: Nothing’s too hard on me, ’cause I have nails for dinner, and for dessert I eats A-bombs! Ooo-ow!

John Conyers, Jr.: Yes. Well, Janet, you better be careful ’cause Bob Barr said you deliberately misapplied the Independent Council Statute, and Newt Gingrich said you look like a fool.

Janet Reno: Well, I think Newt Gingrich looks like a perv! So, what are you going to wear to Congress tomorrow?

John Conyers, Jr.: A suit. What are you going to wear to the Justice Department?

Janet Reno: My one blue dress.

[Conyers nods. Clinton is suddenly heard singing outside Reno’s window.]

Janet Reno: Lemme call you back, Conny. I think someone’s outside. [Hangs up and walks to the window.] Who’s there? If you’re a prowler, I know 18 ways to kill a man! Nineteen if you count breaking his heart!

[Clinton climbs up to the window.]

Bill Clinton: No, Janet, no. It’s just me, ol’ Bill Clinton, see? [Laughs and enters with a bottle of wine.]

Janet Reno: You were supposed to be in South America.

Bill Clinton: I know. I come back early. I brought you some duty-free wine. It’s nice. See, I thought we could open it up and talk about that little indictment of yours. [Drops to his knees sobbing.] Oh please, Janet, Janet! Don’t indict me, please! Please, I can’t take prison! With my good looks, you know, I’d be a-goner in there.

Janet Reno: [Pulls Clinton to his feet.] Get up! You’re pathetic.

Bill Clinton: Oh, Janet, I’m sorry. But, Janet, I’ve always loved you.

Janet Reno: You have?

Bill Clinton: Yes. [Debbie Gibson’s “Lost In Your Eyes” begins playing.] Now kiss me, Janet Reno, kiss me.

[Clinton and Reno begin kissing passionately. Scene fades to a satin background with hearts popping out, then fades back to Janet’s room. Instead of Clinton, Reno is making out with the Simba doll.]

Janet Reno: Say it, Bill, say it! [As Simba] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

The Shark Channel

[ Shark Channel logo appears ]

Announcer: Tonight on The Shark Channel – cable’s only network to feature all-shark programming..

[ show images of sharks swimming through the water, eating chum, etc. ]

Announcer: Their jaws average two feet in width, and act like a deadly vise. Tonight at 9:00 on The Shark Channel: “Great White: Inside the Jaws of Death.”

[ logo: “Great White: Jaws of Death” ]

Announcer: The, at 10:00: their teeth average two inches in length, and can slice flesh like a razor: “Great White: Teeth of Terror” ]

[ logo: “Great White: Teeth of Terror” ]

[ logo: “The Shark Report” ]

Announcer: Then, every night at 11:00: it’s The Shark Report. Get information on sharks..

[ show shark swimming below 5-day weather accu-cast ]

Announcer: ..as well as the latest weather! With The Shark Channel’s Accu-Cast Radar 4000.

[ show shark swimming above a scrolling stock report ]

Announcer: ..Financial news, with The Shark Channel’s stock report!

[ show shark swimming alongside Hanson in a box ]

Announcer: And find out what’s hot in Hollywood, with The Shark Channel’s entertainment watch.

[ show logo: “Cooking With Ramona” ]

Announcer: Then, it’s time for “Cooking with Ramona.” Tonight, Chef Ramona explores some creative ways to cook with chum.

[ show shark swimming with “Season Premiere” logo ]

Announcer: Then, get ready to laugh, with The Shark Channel’s freshest sitcom – “Roscoe -N- The Boyz”.

[ show logo: “Roscoe -N- The Boyz” ]

[ show logo: “The Midnight Hour Starring A Tiger Shark”” ]

Announcer: ..followed by the hot, new late night talk show – “The Midnight Hour Starring A Tiger Shark”.

[ show tiger shark eating a bloodied human carcass ]

Announcer: Tonight: “Men Behaving Badly”‘s Rob Schneider drops in.

[ show shark scientist assisting in a shark birth ]

Announcer: Tuesday at 9:00, The Shark Channel tackles the sensitive subject of teen pregnancy, as only we can in.. “Without Parental Consent”. A Shark Channel original movie.

[ show logo: “Without Parental Consent” ]

[ show logo: “The 47th Annual Country Music Awards” ]

Announcer: And, tomorrow – be sure to catch the 47th Annual Country Music Awards! With host Jeff Foxworthy! And appearances by: Clint Black.. LeAnn Rimes.. Garth Brooks.. Alabama.. and a special performance by Willie Nelson.

[ show more footage of shark activity ]

Announcer: It’s a night of music and surprises, only on The Shark Channel!

[ Shark Channel logo re-appears ]

Announcer: The Shark Channel. We took the idea of a Shark Network.. and ran with it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Harry Caray … Will Ferrell

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: I’m Norm Macdonald. Now thefake news. Our top story tonight:

Does President Clinton have a bent penis? … Well,according to a doctor who examined him last week, thePresident’s genitals are, quote, “completely, onehundred per cent normal.” It should be noted howeverthat the doctor who examined him also has a bentpenis. … That may color his findings alittle.

While this controversy raged, the president himselfwas on a state trip to South America where he met withvarious leaders and repeatedly stressed his strongties to the region. Finally, asked to elaborate onthese ties, Clinton replied, “Are you kidding me? My -my brother Roger was a huge coke dealer!” … [a fewgroans]

As his last stop on the trip, the president met inBuenos Aires Thursday with Argentinian presidentCarlos Menem. During a meeting, Clinton asked Menem tocontinue with economic reform and protect democraticfreedoms. Menem, in turn, asked Clinton to show himhis bent penis. …

According to a new survey by the Women’s Vote Project,women would be more likely to vote if they could sendin ballots by mail or if polls were open longer. Also,more women would vote if you were permitted tobake your vote. … They like to bake. …

Rejecting conspiracy theories that President Clintonkilled Vince Foster, a report out this week fromindependent counsel Kenneth Starr has officiallyconcluded that Vince Foster took his own life. Amongother things, the report cites evidence that Fosterwas deeply depressed in the days leading up to hisdeath. Although the report does concede Foster wasdeeply depressed because President Clinton was tryingto murder him. …

Visitors to Yellowstone National Park are beingadvised to carry pepper spray to defend themselvesagainst bears. According to park officials, pepperspray is inexpensive and it is far more effectiveagainst bears than their first idea which was, uh,honey spray. … That … that didn’t work out at all.That worked– was completely counter to the–

Sources in Hollywood … report the on-again,off-again relationship between actor Johnny Depp andsupermodel Kate Moss is on again and that Depp andMoss are now engaged. According to her friends, Mossis so excited, she hasn’t eaten a thing intwenty-three years. …

In other entertainment news, a religious group inChile is trying to ban a new Claudia Schiffer filmwhich features explicit lesbian sex scenes. Accordingto the group, sex between two women is an abominationbefore God, almost as blasphemous as sex between awoman and David Copperfield. [Photo of Schiffer’sfiancee, magician David Copperfield] … I don’t knowwhich is worse, which is more of anabomination.

Norm MacDonald: Well, the 1997 World Seriesbegan tonight with the Marlins beating the Indiansseven to four. Joining us on Weekend Update with ananalysis of each team is a baseball legend and a dear,dear friend. Please welcome Hall of Fame broadcasterHarry Caray. Hey, Har’.

Harry Caray: [cheers and applause for theshaky, white-haired, squinty, bespectacled old man]Thanks, Norm! Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! I gottatell ya, folks, it looks like we’ve got a veryexciting World Series on our hands. … The AmericanLeague is represented by the Cleveland Indians and,for the National League, the Florida Marlins. It sureis exciting, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, it certainly -certainly is, Harry. Now, who do you like in theSeries?

Harry Caray: It’s tough to say, Norm. On onehand, you’ve got the Marlins. Now, that’s anodd mascot, a marlin.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Yeah, I guess itis.

Harry Caray: Of course, pound for pound, it’sthe smartest fish in the ocean. With its sword-likesnout, it’ll carve your eye out and not think twiceabout it. … Norm, to this day, if I walk into aseafood restaurant and I see a marlin on the wall, Ijust grab my wife and leave! …

Norm MacDonald: Is that a fact, huh?

Harry Caray: Of course, on the other hand, youhave the Indians — a group of untrustworthy savages!… [Norm nods in agreement] You look away, next thingyou know, they steal your land! …

Norm MacDonald: Yup. That’s true. Well, Harry,you’re talkin’ a lot about the mascots. Now, whatabout the players?

Harry Caray: They won’t be a factor! Trust me!… Hey, Norm! You ever been alone in a room face toface with a marlin?

Norm MacDonald: No. Nope.

Harry Caray: No matter where you go in theroom, its eye follows your every move. … You shouldtry it some time. It’s a rush! … I shouldknow — I used to hunt them.

Norm MacDonald: Really? You – you huntedmarlins, huh?

Harry Caray: No. Indians. … I’ve got a wholecloset full of scalps at home. … They’re justcollecting dust. The government stopped buying themyears ago. … Hey, Norm! Ya interested in buyin’ ascalp?

Norm MacDonald: Well, I mean, I guess–

Harry Caray: It’s a simple “yes or no”question! …

Norm MacDonald: Well, what does this have to dowith the World Series, Har’?

Harry Caray: This sale isn’t gonna make orbreak me, Norm, so don’t jerk me around! … Do youwant to buy a scalp or not?

Norm MacDonald: No. I don’t. No.

Harry Caray: Fine. [hands Norm a business card]Just take my card and give me a call when you want toget serious.

Norm MacDonald: Oh. Okay. Thanks. [pocketscard]

Harry Caray: [puts a booklet on the desk] And -and peruse through this when you get a chance.

Norm MacDonald: Wh – what’s that?

Harry Caray: A catalogue of all the scalpsavailable. … [pushes it over to Norm]

Norm MacDonald: Good Lord!

Harry Caray: I got all of them — Apache toZuni!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, well. You got – got anyMohawk in there?

Harry Caray: [scoffs] Oh, Norm! If I had aMohawk scalp, I wouldn’t be sittin’ here talkin’ toyou. … I’d be relaxing on a tropical island….

Norm MacDonald: Why is that?

Harry Caray: ‘Cause they’re highly valuable….

Norm MacDonald: All right. Well, thanks forstoppin’ by.

Harry Caray: [scoffs] Mohawk! You can’t findone!

Norm MacDonald: No?

Harry Caray: No.

Norm MacDonald: Harry Caray, everybody!

Harry Caray: [exits, over cheers and applause]Cubs win! Cubs win!

Norm MacDonald: [highly amused, Norm must pauseto collect himself before continuing] Exotic dancerssay a city ordinance requiring them to keep four feetaway from their customers will put them out ofbusiness in Shoreline, Washington — or, as I nowrefer to it, Nazi Germany! … Quite a world welive in.

And, in Oklahoma, prison officials are considering aninteractive video system for parole board hearings,which would eliminate the need for inmates to travelto hearings from prison. Inmates say they will goalong with the video idea but they will not rule outraping the camera guy. … [not too manylaughs]

And, in Idaho, a five million dollar project to fixcracks in the Dworshak Dam has been a huge success,according to officials from the Army Corps ofEngineers. However, the dam could easily have beenfixed at a far more reasonable price tag, according tothis beaver. [Norm jerks his thumb at a photo of abeaver] … [not too many laughs – a lone person inthe crowd claps slowly and mockingly] They’ll have toagree to disagree.

Finally, the Rolling Stones are back on tour again andKeith Richards says that he is thrilled to still bedoing what he’s been doing for twenty-five years —cheating death! …

[Cheers and applause as Norm nods politely into thecamera and removes microphone from necktie] That’s thenews. [glances off screen as if annoyed aboutsomething]

[Music. Dissolve to GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Xena: Warrior Princess

Xena…Molly Shannon
Gabrielle…Ana Gasteyer
Customer…Tim Meadows
Barkeep…Will Ferrell
Customer With Eye Patch…Jim Breuer
Wench…Chris Kattan
Urswina…Brendan Fraser

[Opening title sequence for “Xena: Warrior Princess” is shown.]

Announcer: In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.

[“Xena” title is shown. Fade to interior of tavern with several customers.]

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “Double Trouble.”

Customer: Barkeep, I hear tales of a mighty female warrior in this province.

Barkeep: Yes, stranger, it is Xena that you speak of. She lusts for battle like most women lust for men.

Customer: Yes. Is it true she rides with a comely, young blonde?

Barkeep: Yes, her “traveling companion.”

[Both men laugh. The door flies open, hitting the customer in the face as Xena enters.]

Xena: Two pints of ale! Gabrielle?

Gabrielle: Coming, Xena! [She enters.] Boy, I’m sure sore from all that bareback riding.

Xena: Your flanks will toughen over time. [She smacks Gabrielle on the butt.]

Gabrielle: Maybe you could rub some salve on them.

Xena: We’ll see. Get us a table, Gabrielle, and watch out! There’s lots of men in this place!

[As they walk into the bar, Xena grabs a customer sitting at a table and slams his head into it. Pushing the table aside, she punches the table’s other customer and walks over to a chair.]

Customer With Eye Patch: Your chair, madam.

Xena: Thank you.

Customer With Eye Patch: Oh, you welcome, ma’am! [Xena sits down, then punches the customer in the face.] I say! With a punch like that, you must be Xena, the Warrior Princess.

Gabrielle: You’ve done your homework, Cyclops!

Xena: [Grabs customer.] What do you want, old man?!

Customer With Eye Patch: Someone’s been looking for you. A warrior queen from the Isle of Lexus.

Gabrielle: They’re a tribe of women known for their fierce tempers!

Customer With Eye Patch: [Starts to walk away.] Oh, and their undefeated field hockey team. You should see them. [Other customers start speaking in agreement.]

[Xena picks up chair and hits customer across the back with it.]

Gabrielle: Maybe this woman is the mighty warrior queen Cassandra the seer prophecized would seek you out in your 28th year and destroy you.

Xena: I’ll eat her…

Gabrielle: Xena!

Xena: …for breakfast!

[Wench enters through door.]

Wench: Where’s the one who calls herself Xena?

Gabrielle: Who wants to know?

Wench: Urswina, the Warrior Queen.

[Xena and Gabrielle laugh.]

Xena: You’re the one looking for me? You’re Urswina? [Laughs.]

[Urswina crashes through the wall.]

Urswina: No! I am Urswina, and this town is only big enough for one six-foot, big-boned, big-breasted, black-booted, borderline-butch brunette! And I’m all of that with a side of slaw!

Xena: Come and get me!

[Urswina and Xena draw swords and begin circling each other.]

Urswina: I will destroy you, Xena!

Xena: I’ll rip you from limb to limb, Urswina!

[They lock swords. Xena jumps out of the way as Urswina charges and her sword comes down on one of the ale kegs.]

Xena: [thinking] Urswina is stronger than I expected.

Urswina: [thinking] Xena has really great skin.

[Both resume fighting for a few seconds, then pause again.]

Xena: [thinking] She reminds me of my old gym teacher. She makes me want to buy a mountain bike and write angry folk songs.

Urswina: [thinking] She could move into my hut, and I’ll tell my parents she’s a friend from work.

[Both lock swords and begin to move in to kiss each other, but Xena looks away.]

Xena: No. I must be true to my warrior heritage.

[Xena stomps on Urswina’s foot and punches her in the face. Xena throws down her sword, shrieks a battle cry, stomps on Urswina’s foot again and throws her to the floor. Brendan’s wig comes off on the way down. He quickly replaces it, but both actors break character and laugh for a moment. Xena pulls Urswina’s head up by the chin.]

Urswina: Xena, you are truly a warrior princess! But you’ve got bigger problems on your hands.

Xena: [Still laughing] What?

Urswina: It seems your traveling companion has taken a liking to my wench.

[Gabrielle and the wench are seen talking and flirting with each other. Urswina and Xena laugh about it. The scene freezes, and the “THE END” super appears.]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
October 25th, 1997

Chris Farley

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

None

Lorne Michaels

Chevy Chase

Chris Rock

Lenny Pickett

George Wendt

Bill Kurtis

Mike Ditka
Permission to HostSummary: Three weeks earlier, Lorne Michaels has his doubts about letting Chris Farley host tonight’s show, even with Chevy Chase’s sponsorship.

Transcript

Montage

Chris Farley’s MonologueSummary: When Chris Farley doesn’t show up for his monologue, Chris Rock and Tim Meadows come to the rescue.

Yum Bubble Genital Herpes GumTranscript

Morning LatteSummary: Insipid morning show hosts Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) and CassVan Rye (Cheri Oteri) slowly grate on their producer’s (Chris Farley) nerves.

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Social outcast Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) befriends the fat boy (Chris Farley) at St. Monica’s Autumn Dance.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Shelley Peterbuilt.

Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) uses her arts and crafts skills to create aesthetically-pleasing Halloween mischief.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

Matt Foley Motivational TrainerSummary: Matt Foley (Chris Farley) tries to motivate spin class participants.

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Tracy Morgan comments that he’s proud to be “the other black guy” on SNL.

Transcript

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones perform “The Impression That I Get”Bio: Ska punk band formed in 1985; members: Dicky Barrett, Nate Albert, Joe Gittleman, Joe Sirois, Tim Burton, Kevin Lenear, Dennis Brockenborough, Ben Carr.

Goth TalkSummary: Glen (Jim Breuer) and his rowdy pal (Chris Farley) ruin the show while dressed as Budweiser frogs.

Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss, Glen, Baron Nocturna.

Transcript

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders the his misinterpretation of “finding Jesus.”

Transcript

SallySummary: Sally Jesse Raphael (Ana Gasteyer) talks with a young mother (Cheri Oteri) who’s having problems with her giant baby (Chris Farley).

Recurring Characters: Sally Jesse Raphael.

BocephusSummary: A rowdy Hank Williams, Jr. (Chris Farley) records the “Monday Night Football” theme song.

Transcript

The Super Fans RevisitedSummary: A short film uncovers what became of Bob Swerski (George Wendt) and the Super Fans after Mike Ditka left to coach the New Orleans Saints.

Recurring Characters: Bob Swerski, Todd O’Connor, Carl Wollarski.

Bio: Bill Kurtis (1940-). Television journalist; anchored the CBS Morning News, 1982-85; hosts and narrates “Cold Case Files” and “American Justice” on the A&E Network.

Weather ScopeSummary: Storm force El Nino (Chris Farley) takes on his new image as a WWF wrestler.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 4

97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Bocephus

Sax Player…..Lenny Pickett
Technician #1…..Will Ferrell
Technician #2…..Tim Meadows
Agent…..Ana Gasteyer
Hank Williams, Jr…..Chris Farley
Jack…..Colin Quinn

[ open on Sax Player finishing his session in a recording studio ]

Technician #1: Aaaand that’s a keeper. Yeah.

Technician #2: Hey, Paul, that was beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Sax Player: Thanks, guys. [ exits ]

Technician #2: You know, I mean, that was a pleasure.

Technician #1: Absolutely.

Technician #2: Yeah. Well, who’s next on the schedule?

Technician #1: Uh, let’s see.. [ looks at clipboard ] Hank Williams, Jr.

Technician #2: [ glumly ] Oh.

[ Hank Williams, Jr., drinking heavily, enters recording studio with his agent and a wide-grinning cowboy type ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ yelling ] Are you ready for some footBAAAAAALL!!! [ laughs uproariously ]

Technician #2: Good Lord.

Technician #1: You must be, uh.. Hank Williams, Jr.?

Hank Williams, Jr.: Please, call me Bocephus!

Technician #1: Allllright.. Bocephus. Uh.. why don’t you get your gear and set up. We’re scheduled to record the different team match-ups for the Monday Night Football theme song.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ singing ] “All my rowdy friends are comin’ over tonight!” Ha ha ha!

Technician #1: We haven’t started recording yet, so.. don’t do that.

Agent: [ enters the booth ] He’s a real talent.

Technician #1: Yeah. Well, I’ll have to take your word on that.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Well, fellas, uh.. have you met my friend Jack?

Technician #1: No. Nice to meet you.

Hank Williams, Jr.: No, no, no! I mean this friend – the bottle! [ holds up bottle, laughs, then points to the man standing behind him ] His name’s Jack, too, as a matter of fact.

Technician #1: That’s great. Uh.. now, let’s get some levels.

Technician #2: Uh, Mr. Williams, uh.. does that man have to be in there with you?

Hank Williams, Jr.: He’s my rowdy friend – “He’s comin’ over tonight!” Ha ha ha, yeah!

Technician #1: That’s great, Mr. Williams.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Please, call me Bocephus!

Technician #1: Okay. Bocephus. Uh. let’s get some levels.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Alright, alright. “Are you ready for some foot-ball!! [ laughs uproariously ]

Technician #2: Yeah, that sounds great.

Hank Williams, Jr.: “Are you ready for some foot-ball!! [ laughs uproariously ]

Technician #1: We got the levels.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Alright. I’m sorry. I thouht you said do it agin.

Technician #1: That’s okay, Bocephus.

Technician #2: Okay, now, Mr. Williams, uh.. the first teams up are the Patriots and the Vikings.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Alright, alright, I got it right here on the card.

Technician #1: And, uh.. you don’t have to sing the whole song, we can just insert the teams into the master.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Well, I can’t get the Bocephus juices flowin’ unless I say.. “Are you ready for the fooot-baaaaaallll!!

Technician #1: Well.. maybe we don’t want to get the Bocephus juices flowing, okay? Uh, so just sing the pairings.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Alright, alright, whatever you say.

Agent: Isn’t he wonderful?

Technician #2: No.

Technician #1: Ready whenever you are.

[ Background music pots up ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ scream-singing ]
“Patriots and The Vikings comin’ over tonight!
Eagles and the Raiders comin’ over tonight!
Bengals and the Ravens comin’ over tonight!”
[ laughs uproariously as the music stops ]

Technician #1: Aaand.. that was great. Let’s get out of here.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Ohhh, hold on here just a second here — [ Jack prods him ] I know, Jack, I know, Jack. My buddy Jack here really thinks I sould sing the whole song.

Technician #1: Yeah, well isn’t there a barn somewhere Jack should be sniffing glue in?

[ the technicians laugh uproariously ]

Technician #2: Uh, yeah. Someone should tell Jack they’re taping “Hee Haw” three doors down!

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey, that ain’t cool. Why you guys makin’ fun of us?

Technician #2: Uh, because you suck!

Technician #1: Yes!

[ the technicians laugh uproariously ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: Listen, man.. I sing music for working people. I know it ain’t the most sophisticated stuff in the world, but.. it comes from the heart.

Technician #1: We didn’t mean to.. make fun of you —

Hank Williams, Jr.: Yeah, yeah you did. And I understand. We must look pretty ridiculous to you folks. The truth is, people like us don’t have many role models. My career’s important to many people.

Jack: Before I heard Bocephus music.. I thought I was alone in the world.

Agent: My teenage boy was getting into trouble. Bocephus’ music taught him to be a man.

Hank Williams, Jr.: That’s all I’m tryin’ to do, in my own kinda awkward way is.. bring people together.

Technician #2: You know, you guys are alright.

[ light piano music pots up ]

Technician #1: [ singing ] “Are you read-y for the foot-ball?”

All: “All my rowd-y friends are com-in’ o-ver to-night.”

Agent: “All my rowd-y friends are com-ing o-ver to-night.”

Hank Williams, Jr.:
“Love and friend-ship are playin’ tonight
Are you read-y for the foooot-baaaall?”

All: “Yes! We’re read-y for the foot-baaaaaaaaaallll.”

[ music fades ]

Technician #1: I think that’s a keeper.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Yeah. [ looks into the camera ] Remember: no matter how dirtbaggy anyone seems.. underneath it all, they’ve still got a heart. I should know. I’m Bocephus. [ turns to Jack ] C’mon, Jack!

[ Bocephus and Jack exit recording studio, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts