For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 4
97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
The Lost Deep Thoughts
[title and voice over: “And now, the lost Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”]
Jack Handy V/O: [voice over with scrolling text] When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, “YA-HOO! We’re rich!” But it turned out to be something different.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 4
97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Weather Scope
Anchor…..Will Ferrell
El Nino…..Chris Farley
Ric Flair…..Jim Breuer
Anchor: Welcome to “WeatherScope”. The biggest news this season, undoubtedly, the huge mass of warm Pacific water known as El Nino. Though it has caused torrential downpours in the Pacific region, El Nino has also dominated many tropical storms, preventing them from becoming hurricanes. In a dramatic development, the Weather Channel has captured the following satellite images of the mysterious phenomenon known as.. El Nino.
[ cut to El Nino standing in front of huge winds delivering his pitch in the style of a professional wrestler ]
El Nino: I am El Nino! All other tropical storms must bow before El Nino! Yo soy El Nino! For those of you who don’t “habla Espanol”, El Nino is Spanish for.. The Nino! To any of you hurricanes who are listening, step on up! Because nobody can take El Nino! I challenge any of you punk-ass tropical storms to a no-holds barred cage match! Any time! Any coast! I swear to God all Mighty it is time to pay the piper, ’cause El Nino’s coming for ya! And it ain’t gonna be pretty!
[ cut back to Anchor in the studio ]
Anchor: Obviously, El Nino issuing a challenge to all comers. Let’s hear now from expert meteorologist and intercontinental Wrestling Federation champion, Ric Flair. El Nino, has some pretty strong words there, Rick, it looks like he’s after you belt.
[ cut to Ric Flair rebutting El Nino’s challenge ]
Ric Flair: El Nino, I’ve got one thing to say to you, brother! You may dominate weather fronts all along the Eastern seaboard brother, but you wouldn’t last two seconds against me and Junkyard Dog, Nino! I don’t speak Spanish, but I’m coming to your burrito to kick your butt-o, pal! Yeah, that’s right!
[ El Nino suddenly crashes into the scene, as he and Ric Flair attempt to tear one another apart with various wrestling moves ]
Anchor: Ric Flair has applied the sleeper hold to El Nino! It’s unbelievable! Ric Flair has subdued the powerful weather phenomenon known as El Nino! I think you can look for a return to colder weather and more storms in the Great Lakes region.
Announcer: November 3rd, watch WWF action when Hacksaw Jim Doogan takes on the Santa Ana Wind at the Indiana State Fairgrounds!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 4
97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Permission to Host
…..Chris Farley
…..Chevy Chase
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Tim Meadows
FADE IN:
[ EXT. 30 ROCKFELLER PLAZA – DAY ]
[ SUPER: THREE WEEKS AGO ]
[ INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – DAY ]
[ Lorne’s at his desk. Tim’s seated across from him. ]
Lorne Michaels: Now Tim, I’m planning on having Farley host in three weeks, but I’m just not sure, considering all the issues he’s had lately.
Tim Meadows: I know what you’re saying, Lorne, and I have the solution to fill the void — me.
Lorne Michaels: Yeah right. It’s either Farley or Chris Rock – you choose.
Tim Meadows: Lorne, Farley’s really coming along. That last trip to the “spa” did the trick. He’s been totally clean for six weeks — no booze, no women… still got the eating thing. I’m not gonna kid you about that.
Lorne Michaels: Well, we do need a host for October 25th.
Tim Meadows: Cannot not do better than Chris Farley, sir. I mean, fatty falls down, ratings go up.
Lorne Michaels: Believe me, I know. But how do I know he’s not gonna screw up?
[ Farley bursts into the office. ]
Chris Farley: Because I won’t!
[ Farley seats himself next to Tim. ]
Chris Farley: We can do this! Lorne, you’re skeptical and I don’t blame you one bit. But this time, I’m not gonna let you down, boss.
Lorne Michaels: You said that before, Chris. What about the Marisa Tomei show?
Chris Farley: I had to go to the bathroom! I get confused!
Lorne Michaels: What about the time with Pardo?
Chris Farley: Oh man! That was no big deal! Old guys throw up all the time!! Especially Pardo. Lorne, you remember the time I got pulled over by the cops and I said I was YOU!!!
[ Farley chuckles mightily. ]
Chris Farley: And you had to do that time in jail!? That was awesome!! That’s just part of the fun!
Lorne Michaels: No Chris, that wasn’t awesome.
Chris Farley: Remember the time I set Timmy up with the transvestite and he went out with her for three weeks!?
[ Farley chuckles. ]
Tim Meadows: Stacy!?!?
Chris Farley: Stacy.
Lorne Michaels: Chris, do you remember any of the John Travolta show?
Chris Farley: No… Not any of it… But that was then, this is now. I’m not just talking the talk, but I’m gonna be walking the walk, boss!
Tim Meadows: And he’s got a great sponsor who’s here to keep an eye on him. Really!
[ Chevy Chase comes in. ]
Chevy Chase: Hey Lorne!
Chris Farley: Yes!!
[ Chevy and Farley lock arms for a semi-embrace. ]
Lorne Michaels: Chevy!? Your Farley’s sponsor!? You just got out of Betty Ford!
Chevy Chase: Well, that’s neither here nor there, Lorne… The important thing is that Chris is doing great! He’s been completely sober for two weeks.
Chris Farley: Six!
Chevy Chase: Six, two, whatever! The important thing is that Chris is not just talking the talk, he’s walking the walk.
Lorne Michaels: Why do I not believe you?
Chris Farley: Lorne, I just want you to know something — if you decide not to let me host, I’ll understand. But if you do let me host, I swear to you, I will not let you down!!
Lorne Michaels: Can you still fall through a table?
Chris Farley: Can I!?!? Gaga-goo-me!
Tim Meadows: Show him!
Chris Farley: I’ll show you, Lorne!
[ Chris gets out of his chair and does a pratfall on Lorne’s desk, knocking off all on it. The desk doesn’t collapse. Lorne rises out of his chair. ]
Lorne Michaels: Chris, this isn’t a breakaway, but I’ll tell you what — you can host.
Chris Farley: I can! All right!! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 4
97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Goodnights
…..Chris Farley
Chris Farley: Thanks, everybody! Thanks to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones! Mr. Chevy Chase! Mr. Chris Rock! The great cast of “Saturday Night Live”! Mr. Lorne Michaels, my boss! Marcy! Everybody! We had a great time! [ wraps his arms around Chevy Chase and Chris Rock ] Thank you. Thank you.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 4
97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Goth Talk
Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Glen…..Jim Breuer
Glen’s Friend…..Chris Farley
Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: Serving Florida’s Gulf Coast, you’re watching Channel 33, Sunshine State Cable Access.
[ Opening Titles ]
[ Music Intro: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”, Bauhaus ]
Circe Nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade.
Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azrael Abyss. I’m the Prince of Sorrow. Welcome to the show that explores the moody depths of the Goth lifestyle here in Tampa, Florida.
Circe Nightshade: So surrender yourself to your darkest desires here in Azrael’s very spooky two-car garage.
Azrael Abyss: We would have been in the den, but my grandma’s staying for the weekend and she’s sleeping there. Eeee..
Circe Nightshade: You have chosen to join us for a very special instalment of Goth Talk. Our Halloween Bacchanal!
Azrael Abyss: Rrrrooww! Ffffttt! Halloween, an ecstasy of Goth.
Circe Nightshade: The night that the entire world peeks into the dark, dark crevices of their own evil!
Azrael Abyss: .. and I don’t get beat up in the mall parking lot.
[ car lights fall over Azrael and Circe, as the garage door opens and Glen’s car pulls up ]
Glen: What the hell is going on here? Todd! [ Glen and Friend walk up ] Get this crap the hell out of the garage, Todd!
Azrael Abyss: No!
Glen’s Friend: Yeah, I gotta park my sweet Grand Cherokee.
Azrael Abyss: You can’t park in here. This is our sinister tomb of dark madness!
Glen: Oh man.. whatever. Hey, just don’t forget.. it’s your turn to put Vic’s Vapo-Rub on grandma’s chest, Todd!
[GLEN and FRIEND laugh]
Azrael Abyss: My name’s not Todd, it’s Azrael Abyss.
Glen’s Friend: [ to Glen ] Man.. you wern’t kidding about your brother, man.. He’s like some messed-up Mime or something.
Glen: [ to Azrael ] Clean it up! [ exits upstairs ]
Azrael Abyss: Anyway..
Circe Nightshade: Now would be a good time to thank our sponsors. Goth Talk is brought to you by The Gloom Room, the place for all your Goth needs. It’s an orgy of the macabre, right next to the Pizza Hut on Hibiscus Road.
Azrael Abyss: Wheee! Well I guess he’ll be arriving soon.
Circe Nightshade: Yes. He’s the lead singer of one of Tampa’s greatest Goth bands, Satan’s Answering Machine.
Azrael Abyss: His name is Baron Nocturna. He’s a spectral vision of pure malevolence, and he works with me at Cinnabun’s.
Glen: [ calling from upstairs ] Hey Todd! There’s some weird-looking guy out by the door.
Azrael Abyss: Baron Nocturna! He’s here! Send him in! Send him in! Send him in!
Glen: Alright..
Circe Nightshade: Kindred and brethren.. Please welcome his Deranged Majesty.. Baron Nocturna!
[ Glen and Friend run downstairs, dressed in identical Budweiser shirts and frog costumes. Azrael frets as Friend accosts him and Circe ]
Glen: Check this out, man. We’re the Budweiser Frogs.
Circe Nightshade: Alright, what did you guys do with Baron Nocturna?
Glen: Oh you mean the fruit with the leather jacket and no shirt? [ laughs ]
Glen’s Friend: We pantsed him and threw him in the pool! [ laughs ]
[ Baron Nocturna stumbles to the top of the stairs, soaking wet, clad only in leather jacket and white boxer shorts ]
Baron Nocturna: Hey Azrael! Your brother’s a real tool! He physically hurt me! I’m going home! [ to Glen ] You hurt me! [ runs off ]
Glen: Hey, here’s something for your little show. Cue it, dude.
Glen’s Friend: Bud!
Glen: Er!
Glen’s Friend: Bud!
Glen: Er! Our buddy Kyle was gonna be the “Weis” guy, but he got mono, man.
Glen’s Friend: Hey, come on! Make Todd say “Weis”!
[ Glen grabs Azrael ]
Azrael Abyss: My name’s Azrael Abyss. I don’t wanna!
Glen: Say “Weis”! Ready?
Glen’s Friend: Bud!
Azrael Abyss: [ meekly ] Weis.
Friend: Er!
[ Glen and Friend high-five, then both hop on AZRAEL and torture him ]
Circe Nightshade: I guess.. I guess that’s all the time we have tonight. Thank you for joining us, and remember.. stay out of the daylight!
[ Azrael continues to scream as Glen and Friend torture him ]
[ fade to black ]
Submitted by: Collie
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
Sarcasm 101
Teacher…Matthew Perry
Brian…Will Ferrell
Jane…Cheri Oteri
Tom…Tim Meadows
Kevin…Norm MacDonald
Marissa…Ana Gasteyer
[open on classroom with students, Mr. Bennett sits on a desk in front and drinks coffee]
Mr. Bennett: Oh, and class, whoever parked in my space, thank you. I enjoyed the walk.
Kevin: You’re welcome.
Mr. Bennett: Yeah, there’s nothing like an hour in the rain.
Jane: Oh, wait-wait-wait! Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because you don’t want him to park in your spot.
Mr. Bennett: Very good, you win the trip to Jamaica.
Kevin: Hey, wait a minute! You didn’t say there was a prize.
Mr. Bennett: Wow, could you be any stupider?
[Marissa enters through door]
Marissa: Excuse me, is this Sarcasm 101?
Mr. Bennett: No, it’s Lamaze class for men named Arthur.
Marissa: Oh, okay, sorry. [turns to exit]
Mr. Bennett: I’m kidding. It is Sarcasm 101. Be more gullible. Take any seat you want. [Marissa begins to sit at a desk near the front] Except that one. I’m kidding. Sit down.
Marissa: [sits] It’s really hard to tell.
Mr. Bennett: Thank you. What’s your name?
Marissa: Marissa.
Mr. Bennett: Well done. Marissa has just learned what? Anyone, anyone, Bueller?
Brian: Good sarcasm is hard to distinguish from normal speech.
Tom: Could you be more of a teacher’s pet?
Mr. Bennett: Tom, I heard that. Good one. Okay, last week’s assignment was how you would describe the food in England. Jane?
Jane: The food is so good there.
Mr. Bennett: Excellent.
Tom: Boiling everything is a really super-smart way to cook everything.
Mr. Bennett: Well done. Kevin?
Kevin: When my dad eats, he sounds like a pig!
Mr. Bennett: No, no, that couldn’t be more wrong.
Kevin: But–
Mr. Bennett: And just so you know, Kevin, I don’t like it when you say things.
Kevin: My dad’s from England!
Mr. Bennett: See, I see your mouth moving and I hear all these sounds, but it’s just, like, coming out like, “Whooo, blah-be-boo, woo, my dad, my dad!” So you see, Marissa, England is famous for having awful food, so–
Marissa: Why do you have to criticize everybody? I mean, I’m sure they have some good food.
Mr. Bennett: Oh, let’s see. What was I going to say in response to that? Oh, right, “I don’t care.”
Marissa: See, now you’re just being rude.
Mr. Bennett: Be more sensitive.
Jane: Way to take a joke, Marissa.
Mr. Bennett: Good one.
Tom: Hey, Marissa. Marissa, whenever you talk I want to have sex with you even less.
Mr. Bennett: That’s not quite sarcasm, Tom, but an excellent try.
Marissa: You people are cruel!
Mr. Bennett: [mockingly] “You people are cruel!” That wasn’t sarcasm. I just enjoyed doing that. Okay, quick pop quiz for everybody, okay? You walk into a bar and you see a fat, ugly, disgusting guy in the corner. You turn to your friends and you say…what?
Brian: Could he be any larger?
Jane: Could he be any uglier?
Kevin: He looks like my dad!
Mr. Bennett: Whoah, Kevin, try again.
Kevin: He looks a great deal like my…dad!
Mr. Bennett: Class?
Class: Be more stupid?
Marissa: You’re not very nice!
Mr. Bennett: No, no, no, try saying it, “Could you be any meaner?”
Marissa: I don’t think you could be.
Mr. Bennett: Marissa, why did you come here?
Marissa: My mother says I have no sense of humor.
Mr. Bennett: Re-he-heally?
Brian: Mr. Bennett, I was wondering if we could waste more time catering to Marissa’s mommy issues instead of actually learning something?
Mr. Bennett: Excellent, Brian.
Marissa: I don’t see what’s so funny!
Tom: Now there’s a shocker.
Jane: I nominate Marissa for class president because of her incisive wit.
Marissa: You people just don’t know when to stop! [cries]
Brian: Why don’t you cry about it?
Mr. Bennett: Hey, hey, hey. [a beat] Great one.
Tom: Hey, Mr. Bennett, I think that’s enough, man. I think she’s really crying.
Jane: Yeah, Mr. Bennett, lay off now.
Kevin: I want to take a bath with Marissa! I mean, that is to say, could I want more to…to…Can I take a bath with Marissa?
[Marissa stops crying, stands, and walks to the front of the room]
Marissa: Brian, excellent. Jane, be weaker. Tom, be more of a baby. And, Kevin, no, you can not.
Mr. Bennett: Everybody, meet Marissa Langford, my teaching assistant.
Tom: She was faking?
Marissa: Catch on slower.
Kevin: Hey! I don’t think she’s really a student.
Marissa: Be a bigger moron.
Kevin: Can I still take a bath with you, or?
Mr. Bennett: All right, that’s time, people. Tonight’s assignment is to be glib to somebody you’re afraid of.
[students rise and exit the classroom]
Tom: Great. Hey, could this class suck more?
Brian: Could the teacher be any worse?
Kevin: Could she take a bath with me?!
Submitted by: DavidK93
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
Space: The Infinite Frontier
Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Ronald Culberston…..Matthew Perry
Announcer: From the outermost reaches of the universe to the innermost planets of our solar system – This is Space: The Infinite Frontier. With your host, Chicago Cubs’ broadcaster, Harry Caray.
Harry Caray: Hi everybody! Harry Caray here! And welcome to Space: The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya’. Joining us in the studio today is U.S. astronaut, Ronald Culbertson. Welcome to the show Ronald.
Ronald Culbertson: Well, thank you Harry. It’s a pleasure to be here.
Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, you’ve just returned from the troubled Russian space station Mir. What’s goin’ on up there?
Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, the first thing you have to understand is that the Mir space station is eleven years old and was only designed to-
Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, it must be fun dressing up like an astronaut: the helmet, the boots,….the ray gun.
Ronald Culbertson: Ray gun?
Harry Caray: It’s good to indulge your inner child, cause without that you got nothin’.
Ronald Culbertson: Harry, I’m a real astronaut. I don’t just play “dress-up.”
Harry Caray: Don’t be ashamed Ronald. Hell, last Halloween I dressed up like one of those Frankenstein monsters. Bolts in the neck….the whole nine yards.
Ronald Culbertson: Well,…that must have been fun for you.
Harry Caray: The effect was positively eerie. Really scared some folks. In fact, a buddy of mine died of a heart attack when he saw me.
Ronald Culbertson: I’m sorry to hear that.
Harry Caray: Yeah. So, technically, I’m a murderer.
(Uncomfortable pause. Ronald is searching for words.)
Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Ya’ ever been sucked into a black hole?
Ronald Culbertson: No…
Harry Caray: I have. It’s an area of infinite gravity and density from which not even light can escape. It’s called,’A Weekend at My Mother-in-Law’s.’
Ronald Culbertson: That’s very funny, Harry.
Harry Caray: Hey, don’t raise your voice at me!
Ronald Culbertson: I…I didn’t.
Harry Caray: Well, just don’t do it.
(Another uncomfortable pause.)
Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Did ya’ hear they cloned a sheep?
Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I did.
Harry Caray: Hey! What if they cloned a dinosaur?…Would ya’ eat it?
Ronald Culbertson: You know, I haven’t really given it much thought.
Harry Caray: I know I would. Char broiled dinosaur covered in gravy. Side of curly fries. I bet they’d call it the Dinosaur Special.
Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I guess they would.
Harry Caray: So how ’bout it Ronald? Would you eat a dinosaur?
Ronald Culbertson: What…What does this have to do with…
Harry Caray: Hey, don’t jerk me around Ronald! It’s a simple question! Would you eat a dinosaur?
Ronald Culbertson: I guess I would.
Harry Caray: I think you’ve made a wise choice. Boy, I wish those scientists would hurry up. I’m gettin’ hungry.
Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, I’m sure that kind of cloning is a long way off.
Harry Caray: I hope so, cuz’ when they start cloning humans…Sure it would be good for the species, but emotionally, we’d all be dead!
(Ronald is looking very perplexed.)
Harry Caray: Well, that’s all the time we have. Before we leave, one important program note: Next week we’ll be broadcasting from the center of the Sun.
(Stage hand leans in and whispers in Harry’s ear.)
Harry Caray: Oh, thanks Pete. Apparently, the center of the Sun is eight billion degrees. You probably knew that, Ronald.
Ronald Culbertson: Yes. I did.
Harry Caray: So I guess we’ll stay right here. That’s kind of a relief. See ya’ next time! Cubs win! Cubs win!
Submitted by: Jim Moore
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
Spartan Cheerleaders
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig: I think its over here, I cant find it.
Arianna: Get the light. Ow, my foot.
Craig: Oh, I found the switch, I found the switch.
Arianna: Turn it on, turn it on.
Craig: Oh, ok, great.
(They sit down on bench)
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig, do you realize that tryouts are in seven hours?
Craig: Yes.
Arianna: I cant believe we snuck into the gym to practice our cheers!
Craig: Yea!
Arianna: How did you learn to jimmy a door?
Craig: Where else? McGyver. I used my retainer and a small piece of twine.
Arianna: Good work. You wanna kick it?
Craig: Lets do it.
Arianna: Ok.
(They stand up and cheer)
Together:
Ump.
Spartan check up.
Take a chance
Drop your pants
Pee in the cup.
Doctor Spartans in the house
And he will fix you up.
Break it down now.
Spartan fever
Take it off.
Fever’s rising.
Time to cough.
(Arianna grabs Craigs crotch.)
(Arianna sits on Craigs foot. Craig turns in circles.)
Craig: Whos that Spartan clinging on to me?
Arianna: Its me, its me!
Craig: I said whos that Spartan clinging on to me?
Arianna: Its me, its me!
Together:
Uh huh
uh huh
uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
Respect peoples personal space! Wooo!
(Two Jumps)
Craig: Oh my God, Arianna, can you believe summer’s over already?
Arianna: I know, Craig. I already miss my summer job at Kenny Rogers Rosters. Im still getting the news letter though.
Craig: Yea, well Im glad my life guarding job is over. I did not enjoy taking off my shirt.
Arianna: Nah, nah Greg, tomorrow morning we are going to be real Spartan cheerleaders!
Craig: This has got to be our year. It was an awesome idea to practice all night.
Arianna: Yea, and my parents will never know Im gone. I put my brothers blow up doll underneath my sheets.
Craig: Oh, oh, the one that looks like a really surprised Sheena Easton?
Arianna: Yea. (makes face with an O)
Arianna: Craig, read me your top three goals for this school year and Ill read you mine. Ok?
Craig: Ok, number three dont respond when people say I wish you were dead.
Arianna: Good one.
Craig: Uh, number two develop my calf muscles.
Arianna: Ok.
Craig: Number one, make the Spartan squad.
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig, I almost just cried. My turn.
Craig: Ok.
Arianna: Mmm, my paper smells like strawberries.
Craig: Oh it does!
Arianna: Ok, number three wean myself off my sports bra. Its time – my mom said.
Craig: Yea, it is, it is.
Arianna: Number two remember that extra strength pampren is a drug, not a candy.
Craig: Right, right.
Arianna: And number one make the Spartan squad.
(They hug)
Arianna: Craig!
Craig: Im getting so wired!
Arianna: Well maybe its because weve had nine cups of coffee within an hour.
Craig: And, were coffee virgins.
Arianna: Craig, I am so buzzed. I feel like Keith Richards, and I like it.
Craig: Im just coo coo for coffee.
Arianna: Say what? Cheer voice
(They stand up and cheer)
Together:
Ump
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
His beans they come from Columbia way
He rides on his funky donkey everyday
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
Were on a caffeine high
So hold on tight
Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Erin Illian
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm Macdonald.Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Yesterday, just yesterday, in a letter to Congress,Attorney General Janet Reno absolved President Clintonof almost all charges of campaign finance reform.According to Reno, there is no evidence he misused hisoffice to raise money, improperly allowed contributorsto stay overnight at the White House, or soughtcontributions in exchange for political favors. Youknow, it’s hard for me to believe this but, for JanetReno to send this letter, I guess it must be true: thePresident’s sleeping with her, too. It’s …[scattered applause] It’s beyond comprehensionbut–
Earlier today, some six hundred thousand members ofthe Promise Keepers, the evangelical men’s group,convened in Washington, D. C. for a day of prayer andrepentance. Oh, no! I – I promised to go to thatthing! And I forgot! DAMN IT TO HELL! … It’s mywife’s fault! She didn’t remind me, that dirty–! …Oh, well.
More bad news for O. J. Simpson. This week, a LosAngeles court ordered him to turn over his HeismanTrophy to the Goldman family. In addition, the samecourt may order Simpson to surrender a coffee muginscribed, “World’s Greatest Husband” …
A new development in the Marv Albert story. This week,his accuser, Vanessa Perhatch, [photo of Perhatchappears] decided to go public, allowing news agenciesto print her name and picture. Following thepublications of the photograph, legal experts wereleft wondering — who was the realvictim? … [cheers and applause, Norm jerks athumb at the photo] Not easy on the eye! …
In a recent interview on the subject of parenting,Jane Fonda admitted that it wasn’t easy to talk to herchildren about sex. But she felt it was necessarybecause she did not want them to learn about sex theway that she did — by reading North Vietnamesepropaganda pamphlets. … We’re not gonna forget that– Hanoi Jane! …
It was a bad week for the restaurant chain Hooters.The company has been forced to pay 3.75 milliondollars to settle a sex discrimination suit brought bymale job applicants who claim that its policy ofhiring only women is unfair. The settlement was hailedas a landmark case — for guys who try to ruineverything. … [cheers and applause] You don’t wannago to Hooters and a dude shows up at your table,y’know? …
Action star Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedlyplanning to appear in an upcoming production of theBroadway musical “The King and I.” Schwarzenegger saysthat, in contrast to other actors’ portrayals of theKing of Siam, his will be really, reallyhorrible. …
Also in entertainment, the play “Hiroshima,” a tributeto the victims of the first atomic bomb, with musicand singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City thisweek. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack whoattended the premiere called the play, quote, “themost horrifying experience of my life”! … [applause]
And in entertainment news, Ellen DeGeneres and loverAnne Heche have announced that they want to have ababy. However, their plan has hit a snag. They areboth women! … [applause] It’s – It is notpossible to – have a child.
Well, Bart, the eighteen hundred pound bear whoco-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in themovie “The Edge,” reportedly earns a whopping tenthousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A smallamount of the grizzly’s income goes toward thepreservation of bears’ natural habitat. Bart spendsthe remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.…
And, on a happier note, in Massachusetts, the 119-acreDunn Pond State Park has the state’s first naturetrail designed for the handicapped. Along the trail,you will find a rich variety of birds, lizards andinsects — all of them handicapped. So … It’snot really a very good trail, y’know? …
And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg’swill open Cereal City, a new, eighteen million dollartheme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket,activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: startbuying upland next to cereal theme park – then openmilk theme park … And watch the money rollin! … [shuts off recorder and pockets it with asmug grin] …
[Photo of midget with oversized head resemblingactor/comedian Eddie Murphy] Well, finally, theGuinness Book of World Records announced this weekthat Gul Mohammed of New Delhi, at 22.8 inches tall,is the shortest man in the world — to have EddieMurphy’s head. … [applause]
And that’s it, folks. Thanks a lot.
[Music. Cheers and more applause.Fade.]
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 3
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
October 18th, 1997
Brendan Fraser
Björk
None
Eric Dickerson Janet Reno’s FantasySummary: Alone in her bedroom, emotionally-disturbed Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) fantasizes about President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond).
Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton, John Conyers.
Transcript
Montage
Brendan Fraser’s MonologueSummary: Brendan Fraser tells the audience all the things he likes.
Bio: Brendan Fraser (1968-). Actor; films include: “Twenty Bucks” (1993), “Airheads” (1994), “George of the Jungle” (1997), “The Mummy” (1999).
Also Hosts: 98m.
Cameos: 00a.
Transcript
Lemon GlowSummary: The illuminating floor cleaner provides a renewed life for a suburban housewife (Molly Shannon) who used to live the wild life.
Transcript
Xena: Warrior PrincessSummary: Hints of lesbianism arise for Xena (Molly Shannon) during her sword battle with Erstwina (Brendan Fraser).
Transcript
IssuesSummary: Stoners Jeffrey Kaufman (Jim Brueur) and his buddy (Brendan Fraser) can’t control their laughter while interviewing a community leader (Ana Gasteyer).
Recurring Characters: Jeffrey Kaufman.
Transcript
Delicious DishSummary: Gourd expert Cameron Ross (Brendan Fraser) talks squash with Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon).
Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.
The Go-LordsSummary: The Go-Lords save a stolen nuclear warhead from Bill Gates.
Monday Night FootballSummary: Frank Gifford (Darrell Hammond) can’t keep his personal strife at home out of game commentary.
Recurring Characters: Frank Gifford, Al Michaels.
Bio: Eric Dickerson (1960-). Athlete; was a professional running back for the NFL teams Los Angeles Rams (1983-87), Indianapolis Colts (1987-91), Los Angeles Raiders (1992), and Atlanta Falcons (1993).
Transcript
Collette ReardonSummary: Collette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) again bothers a pharmacist (Brendan Fraser) to fill her abnormally large prescription order.
Recurring Characters: Collette Reardon.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Harry Caray.
Transcript
Björk performs “Bachelorette”Bio: Björk (1965-). Icelandic singer-songwriter; member of The Sugarcubes, 1986-92; released her debut solo album in 1993.
Also Performs: 06r.
BiographySummary: Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) profiles the life of rocker Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) on his 500th show.
Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Courtney Love.
MangoSummary: While at a male strip club against his own will, family man John Richardson (Brendan Fraser) falls under the spell of the enigmatic dancer known only as Mango (Chris Kattan).
Recurring Characters: Mango.
The Shark ChannelSummary: All-shark programming all the time.
Transcript
Buddy SongsSummary: The cast is creeped out by Brendan Fraser’s too-close friendship with Will Ferrell.
Goodnights