Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: November 15th, 1997 Clare Danes Mariah Carey None None Steve Higgins Adam McKay Dennis McNicholas Paula Pell A Message From the First-Lady of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) isn’t keen on allowing Hillary (Ana Gasteyer) to address the nation. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al gore, Barbara Walters. Transcript
Montage
Clare Danes’ MonologueSummary: Audience members express their outrage that actress Clare Danes got into Yale University with such ease. Bio: Clare Danes (1979-). Actress; starred in the short-lived television drama, “My So-Called Life” (1994-95); film credits include: “William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet” (1996), “The Rainmaker” (1997), and “Shopgirl” (2005).
The Weston CollectionSummary: A male model (Will Ferrell) garners respect when he wears the “I’m #1” hat from the Weston Collection.
Barry Scheck’s ClientsSummary: Defense lawyer Barry Scheck (Norm MacDonald) unexpectedly entertains some of his not-so-innocent clients in his home. Recurring Characters: Barry Scheck, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kaczyncski. Transcript
The ViewRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Star Jones, Debbie Matenopolous, Cokie Roberts. Transcript
The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) provide the entertainment at their embarrassed daughter’s (Clare Danes) College Career Day. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.
TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo battle Big Head’s ice monster in a cartoon by Rob Smigel.
Peter PanSummary: A drunken Tinkerbell (Clare Danes) lets it be known that she’s tired of being Peter Pan’s (Chris Kattan) second banana. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Joe Blow. Transcript
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer Al Gore…..Will Ferrell Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri
[ open on Presidential seal ]
Announcer: And now, a special address from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Bill Clinton seated at his desk in the Oval Office ]
President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As of 8:15 p.m. Eastern Time, American planes have begun bombing authorities inside Iraq. We are now at war. [ he smiles and bangs his fists on the table ] I’M JUST KIDDING! HA! Ah, I bet my approval rating just went through the ROOF there for a minute!
[ he bites his lip and turns serious ]
The real reason I’m addressing you tonight has nothing to do with Iraq, the ecomony or independent council investigations. I’m here tonight to tell you about my wife.. uh..
Hillary Clinton: [ sitting down next to Bill ] Hillary.
President Bill Clinton: Sure.. Hillary..
Hillary Clinton: Hello, America.
President Bill Clinton: Now, last year during the election, I asked Hillary, with all the respect and love a husband feels for his wife, to shut her damn mouth. It was part of my re-eelection strategy, and wouldn’t you know – it worked like gangbusters! [ laughs until he sees Hillary’s evil eye and stops ] Then, last month after Hillary turned fifty.. [ he shudders ] ..and the impending conflict in Iraq promised to get my approval rating in the upper 80’s, lower 90’s.. some advisors felt maybe I could take a hit and let Hillary speak.
Hillary Clinton: And I was thankful..
President Bill Clinton: Not yet, woman! [ pause ] I, however, said no. But then Hillary threatened to remember something that she had previously forgotten. So we came to an agreeable compromise. I have agreed to let Hillary address the nation and speak her mind freely for an entire minute. [ places an egg timer on the desk ] Just to cover my bases, though.. yesterday, I sent an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf. I hope this will keep my approval rating up, and give me a “Hillary Buffer Zone”. [ sets the timer for “one” minute ] Citizens of America, I give you our First-Lady: Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Hillary Clinton: Thank you. First, I would like to address the issue of Health Care reform. [ buzzer goes off ]
President Bill Clinton: Time’s up! Whoo! I think that went well..
Hillary Clinton: That was not a minute, Bill!
President Bill Clinton: Oh, maybe you cook an egg differently than I do.
Hillary Clinton: You know, it’s funny – I just remembered this incident at the Governor’s Ball in 19..
President Bill Clinton: Okay! [ resets timer ] Ladies and gentlemen, the First-Lady.
Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Bill. [ starts ] You all know I believe in Health Care. But I also believe in other issues, like rehabilitating criminals rather than putting them to death. Now, I know that sounds liberal, but..
President Bill Clinton: [ fakes a buzzer sound ] Time’s up!
Hillary Clinton: You made that sound with your mouth, Bill!
President Bill Clinton: [ stunned at the accusation ] I most certainly did not! That was one minute.
Hillary Clinton: [ to cameras ] You know, America.. I remember once in 1983, I caught Bill on all fours wearing an E.T. mask..
President Bill Clinton: [ resets timer ] Alright! Start yapping, you she-witch!
Hillary Clinton: Thank you. [ clears throat ] I feel that we have strayed from the progressive and compassionate path as a nation. Big business continues to exploit the individual..
President Bill Clinton: Except for Dow Chemical! [ gives thumbs-up ]
Hillary Clinton: Common sense has been replaced by mob mentality, and bold leadership has been replaced by public opinion polls.
President Bill Clinton: She’s crazy, right? I mean.. unless you agree with her..
Hillary Clinton: Vibrant thinking has been replaced by soulless buerocrats seeking only to rise to power.
Al Gore: [ entering ] Hi. I’m Al Gore. [ exits ]
Hillary Clinton: Meanwhile, our celebrity-obsessed culture is more interested in who is sleeping with who, rather than who is oppressing who.
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley Evan the Instructor…..Tim Meadows Cyclist #1…..Molly Shannon Cyclist #2…..Ana Gasteyer Cyclist #3…..Jim Breuer Cyclist #4…..Will Ferrell
[ Set is inside a fitness gym, with people excercising on bikes ]
Evan: You’re at a beautiful countryside! Third position everybody! Come on, your’re approaching a hill, and increase resistance! Come on, push it! Push it people!
Cyclist #1: I can’t do it!
Evan: Okay, forget it! Stop, stop, stop everyone!
[ Everyone stops pedaling ]
Evan: Listen people, you aren’t burning enough calories!
Cyclist #2: We’re doing the best we can.
Evan: Listen, if you people want to lose weight, you’ve gotta push it harder! Look at me, I’m thin, I’m handsome, I could have sex with anyone in this room.
Cyclist #1: [ offended ] Evan.
Evan: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Maybe I did, I don’t know. Regardless, I’m just not getting through to you guys as a teacher. That’s why I hired someone to come in here and motivate you people. He’s been down in the locker room scarfing down chocolate-covered coffee beans for the last six hours, but I think he’s ready. Hey Matt, we’re ready for you!
Matt Foley: Okie dokie!
[ Matt Foley comes up the stairs and enters the room ]
Matt Foley: Hey Evan! Good to see ya! All right, how you guys doing! Okie dokie, my name, for all of you who don’t know me, is Matt Foley! And I AM a motivational speaker! Now, before we get to the spinning class, let me give you a little it of a scenerio of what MY life is all about! First off, I am thirty-five years old! I am THRICE DIVORCED! And I live in a van down by the river!
Cyclist #3: You’re gonna be our fitness instructor?
Matt Foley: Listen Hard Body, I don’t give a RAT’S BEHIND! I’m here to tell you people that as you get out there in the real world, you’re gonna find out that you’re not going to amount to JACK SQUAT!
[ He crosses the room to Cyclist #4 ]
Matt Foley: Now fella? Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Cyclist #4: What do I want to do?
Matt Foley: Yeah!
Cyclist #4: Well I’m a succesful corporate lawyer, and I just made partner.
Matt Foley: Well, LA-DE-FREAKIN-DA! Whoa!
[ He walks back over to Evan ]
Matt Foley: Hey Evan! We got ourselves a lawyer over there! I can’t see real good, is that Ben Matlock?
Evan: No Matt, he’s a real lawyer.
Matt Foley: Evan? Ya know, I wish you could just shut your big YAPPER! Please!
Evan: Okay!
Matt Foley: [to Cyclist #] Well if you’re as good a lawyer as you are an athlete, you’re gonna be doing a lot of lawyer practicing in a van down by the river!
Cyclist #4: I own a summer home near the river if that helps.
Matt Foley: Shift it into low, Matlock! Now let’s get started!
[ Matt walks to his bike ]
Matt Foley: Okay! First thing that you’re gonna want to do is to get settled into the saddle!
[ He gets onto the bike, but his pants tear as a result ]
Matt Foley: Okay! Now you’ll often find that when mounting on the apparatus you’ll split your shorts. I’ts a common occurance. Stay motivated, do not let it get ya’. Because, as long as you’re wearing an athletic supporter, everything’s gonna be okie-dokie! However, I’ve forgotten MINE is uh-kind of a moot point!
Cyclist #1: Gross!
Cyclist #2: You cannot be serious!
Matt Foley: I just wish you two dolls would bring it DOWN A NOTCH! Now that you’re on the bike, next thing you’re gonna want to do…….is take a little bit of a rest. You know what I mean, just get your breath a little bit, and make sure you still got your bearings. You’ll find that just getting on the bike is gonna make you weak. [ he starts panting in fatigue ] Okay! Let’s start pedaling everybody!
[ He starts pedaling, and the others follow ]
Matt Foley: Now, a nice brisk base to start off with! Okay, not that brisk. [ he slows down ] Okay, a little less brisk! Low on the brisk! Slow it down here. Okay, stop, stop, stop right here!
[ Matt gets off the bike, and walks to his coffee pot ]
Matt Foley: Okay, now it’s time to take a little bit of a drink-skee-poo! Whoo!
[ He attempts to take a drink, but the majority of the coffee spills onto his face and down his shirt ]
Matt Foley: Whoa whoa!
Cyclist #1: Uhh, while you take your “coffee break”, can we continue pedaling because we are all paying for this class?
Matt Foley: [ spitting out coffee, very upset ] SHUT YOUR PIPEHOLE, MISSY!
Evan: [ fighting off Matt who is trying to get back on the bike ] All right, look Matt. Take it easy! Look, this is not gonna work out! I’m gonna have to ask you to get out of here.
Matt Foley: Back off Padre! I’m not going anywhere! That locker room downstairs is the closest thing I’ve had to a home in fifteen years!
Evan: Well I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to ask you to get the hell out!
Matt Foley: [ getting on the bike ] All right, all right, all right, I’ll pedal! Let’s all pedal everybody, make Evan happy! Here we go, pedaling away! All right everybody, you’re on the road! Look over to the right. It’s your first wife, Linda! High tail it out of there because you owe her three years’ child support! Keep pedaling. All right, let’s pull into Seven-Eleven and buy a microwave burrito! Okay, we’re back on the road, there’s your son’s dorm! Let’s sneak in, steal his student loan check, cash it, and head out lookin’ for ASIAN HOOKERS! Cause if there’s one thing Matt likes, it’s HONG-KONG FUEY, ha-ha! Ohhhh yeah!
[ As he says this, the bike malfunctions, breaks apart, and starts rolling down the room through a wall with Matt still aboard ]
Evan: Oh my God!
Matt Foley: All right, I’ve taught you people all I can. I gotta move it into karate class, Evan.
[ He walks through the broken wall into a karate class with two martial arts teachers ]
Matt Foley: All right, boys! First about martial arts is that I’m thrice divorced, and I live in a van down by the river!
Martha Stewart: Goblins, ghouls, spooky ghosts. These are all things that remind us of Autumn’s most flamboyant holiday – All Hallow’s Eve. I’m Martha Stewart.
A lot of attention gets paid to Halloween candy. But tomorrow on “Living”, we’ll celebrate the time-honored pranks of the season, when we make Halloween’s tricks a treat.
Toilet paper has become a staple of the Halloween prankster’s toolkit. I’ll show you how to design, plan, and implement a TP job that is both visually stunning and full of.. mischievious good cheer.
[ frozen exterior shot of Martha’s TP job outlined as a ghost in a tree ]
This is what I did to my ex-husband’s house.
[ Martha walks over to a bowl of eggs and holds them momentarily ]
The egg has been the weapon of choice for Halloween revelers for hundreds of years. Chosen for its sticky texture and its lingering sulphurous smell, eggs are a great way to make a lasting impression. [picks up a small, blue egg ] A robins egg splatters in a prism of harvest colors [ smashes robins egg on the counter ] That felt really good. [ holds a gift-wrapped basket of brown eggs ] I kept these brown eggs in the back of my greenhouse all summer. By October 31st, they should give off a really good pungent smell. And make sure to throw your eggs in the middle of the night. That wet, cracking sound really scares the hell out of people.
And, of course, no Halloween would be complete without a flaming bag of poop. The aroma of burning manure mixed with shoe leather on a crisp New England evening is a childhood memory I really cherish. And, once you learn the technique, you’ll be able to do it year-round. I do it every day to my next-door neighbor.
So, join us tomorrow for a special Halloween “Living”. I spend 364 days a year suppressing the demons inside me. But on Hallow’s Eve, I invite them to dance. It’s a good thing.
Norm MacDonald: I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.
Tomorrow, Chinese Prime Minister Zhang Ze-min begins a weeklong visit that could define U.S. relations with China for years to come. President Clinton plans to ask Zhang for several things, including human rights reform, trade expansion, and a Chinese herb said to have the power to straighten a bent penis.
Well, it’s official. Sportscaster Marv Albert, convicted last month on assault and battery charges, will serve no jail time. [ pic of Patricia Masten ] But the big story was outside of the courthouse, where the second accuser from his trial, Patricia Masten, showed her face in public for the first time. This new development had legal experts once again asking: Who was the real victim here?
[ pic of Gloria Alread ] Incidentally, Ms. Masten will be represented in her civil suit by feminist attorney Gloria Alread, who is also quite unattractive. No box of chocolates, that one!
Well, this week, attorney general Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars a day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just ten years after the earth crashes into the sun.
According to new medical studies, exposure to second-hand smoke dramatically increases a non-smoker’s risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco executives say the new study proves without a shadow of a doubt that non-smoking can kill you.
[ Minimal response from audience ]
Norm MacDonald: Well… that one wasn’t very good, but try to laugh anyway, it’ll give Farley a little rest.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian announced this week that he will start to offer organs taken from his suicide patients to people who need transplants. In addition, Kevorkian promised that anyone who does not get a life-saving organ will get a free murdering.
And in London, British scientists have created a frog embryo without a head; a breakthrough that could lead to the production of headless human clones to provide organs for transplant, as well as horrific nightmares for the rest of my life!
Norm Macdonald: And now, with a special commentary is our very own Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan: Thank you, Norm. Hello, America. My name is Tracy Morgan, or as most of you know me as… The Other Black Guy. I’ve been with Saturday Night Live for 23 shows, but sometimes I don’t even get recognized in my own neighborhood. But that’s alright because I’m The Other Black Guy. And I’m just letting you know I’m here. Now, you might wanna get a pen and a piece of paper and write my name down. It’s T-R-A-C-Y M-O-R-G-A-N. [ Letters appear on screen as said ] Tracy Morgan. I have a re-occurring character. [ show Stallone goodnights ] There’s me in my big scene with Sylvester Stallone. [ show Spacey goodnights ] And there’s me with Kevin Spacey, he was cool to work with! [ show Tom Hanks ] Ah! Me with Tom Hanks, that’s my man! I’m really proud of that character, man. I call him the guy who smiles real big at the goodnights; has been in all 23 shows; makes me feel good; a role model for kids to look up to, like Evel Knievel. When other black people come up to me and say “So you work at Saturday Night Live?” and I say “Yeah!” And they say “So what’cha do there?” And I say “I’m Tracy Morgan, the Other Black Guy.” And they say “Aww, yeah, I seen you on the goodnights!” And I’ll say “That’s me, Tracy Morgan, the Other Black Guy.” I’m proud to be filling the role of the Other Black Guy on Saturday Night Live. So America, get ready… and I’ll see you in 45 minutes. Goodnight!
Norm MacDonald: Tracy Morgan, he’s the other black guy, ladies and gentlemen!
Well, in Maine political activists are trying to push through a constitutional amendment that would expand voting rights for the mentally ill. But according to insiders, it’s just a ploy by supporters of Ross Perot.
In New Orleans this week, Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau was honored by the Drug Policy Foundation, a group who seeks to legalize marijuana. Also honored this week by the foundation – weed!
A Minnesota man is being sued by a woman who claims that he promised to marry her, but called off the wedding after he convinced her brother to give him a kidney. [ Holds up a human kidney ] Don’t I know it!
According to fire department officials in Wisconsin, many of the state’s communities can’t find enough people to be volunteer firefighters. As a possible explanation, officials cite the extreme danger of the job combined with the complete absence of pay!
Finally, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his 8-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: Women can’t drive!
Norm MacDonald: Okay, folks, that’s the news. Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: November 8th, 1997 Jon Lovitz Jane’s Addiction None Dana Carvey Controlling the AirwavesSummary: Media mogels take turns interrupting a speech by President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) so they can pursue their own agendas. Recurring Characters: Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Bill Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Jon Lovitz’s MonologueSummary: An ego-driven Jon Lovitz performs a piece from his one-man show. Transcript
Dunkin DonutsSummary: Before he retires, Dunkin Donuts commercial actor Michael Vale (Jon Lovitz) brings an abrupt closure to his character. Transcript
Larry King’s Wedding ReceptionSummary: A slew of celebrities roast Larry King (Norm MacDonald) at his latest wedding reception. Recurring Characters: Ted Turner, Larry King, Al Pacino, Ross Perot. Transcript
A Year With JewelSummary: David Sobel (Jon Lovitz) regrets winning a year in the Alaskan wildnerness with pop singer Jewel (Ana Gasteyer). Recurring Characters: Jewel, Missy Elliot.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio” showcases President Bill Clinton’s liabilities during a speech.
The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) answers more sex queries from his viewers. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps, Montel.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Pathological liar Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) gives an update on what he’s been up to since his last appearance on “SNL”. Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan. Transcript
Jane’s Addiction performs “Jane Says”Bio: Alternative rock band; the group originally formed in 1985, and broke up in 1991; the band reformed briefly in 1997, prior to their 2001 reunion tour; members: Perry Farrell, Dave Navarro, Flea (replacing Eric Avery), Stephen Perkins.
The Late Show with David LettermanSummary: Marv Albert (Jon Lovitz) shows off his raunchy home video clips to David Letterman (Norm MacDonald). Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer, Marv Albert.
The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey comments on the biggest secret held by a mountain. Transcript
Colin Quinn Explains The New York TimesSummary: Colin Quinn employs stand-up to help make sense of New York Times headlines for the common reader. Transcript
The Robin Byrd ShowSummary: Ron Jeremy (Jon Lovitz) discusses the adult film industry with Robin Byrd (Cheri Oteri). Recurring Characters: Robin Byrd, Ron Jeremy, Mark Wahlberg, Burt Reynolds.
Set Our Nanny FreeSummary: Musical artists band together for the release of au pair Louise Woodward. Recurring Characters: The Spice Girls, Elton John, George Michael, Elvis Costello, Sarah Ferguson.
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond Michael Vale…..Jon Lovitz Director…..Will Ferrell
[ open on slow zoom on Michael Vale, dressed in Dunkin Donuts outfit, standing in front of a display of doughnuts ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts!
Director: [ off-screen ] Aaaaaand.. cut!
[ wide shot of full set, as Director rises to approach Michael Vale ]
Director: Alright! Excellent rehearsal. I think you’ve got it, and, uh.. let’s get ready to shoot this. Uh.. when you’re done, you cna start enjoying your retirement.
Michael Vale: Yeah! [ reflective ] Boy, I can’t believe I’ve been doing commercials – these ones – all these years, for fiften years now! Yeah, it’s been quite a ride.
Director: Yeah, well.. you did some good doughnut commercials. Okay? Uh, so.. let’s set up for the last take, everyone!
Michael Vale: [ deeply reflective ] Yeah, boy.. I mean fifteen years, okay? My character – Fred the Baker – well, he’s sure seen America through some tough times!
Director: [ calling out ] Hey, uh, Sid? Can we get some more light on these krullers?
Michael Vale: Boy, the Gulf War – just another “Time to make the doughnuts.” The rodney King beating – “Time to make the doughnuts.” Iran-Contra..
Director: That’s great, that’s great, Michael. Uh, when you’re ready, then we’ll roll.
Michael Vale: Boy, this is the end of something really big, you know? Now, is it me, or do you think people are going to want to see what happens to my character after he retires? I just think his story needs a little closer. Don’t you think?
Director: Yeah, sure. I mean, have fun with it, Mike, alright? Alright, let’s do this! Everyone, settle.. [ takes his seat ] Aaaaand.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: You know, for fifteen years, it’s been “Time to make the doughnuts.” And, now.. it’s time to die.
Director: Cut!
[ wide shot of full set, as Director rises to approach Michael Vale ]
Director: What’s, uh.. what’s going on over there, Mike?
Michael Vale: Well, you know, it’s that closure thing I was talking about, you know? Fred made his doughnuts, and now he’s going to go home and take his own life!
Director: That’s, uh.. that’s a little dark for a doughnut commercial, Mike. Uh, just go a little lighter, and we can get out of here.
Michael Vale: Boy,l it has been a wold ride hasn’t it?
Director: It sure has, Mike. Okay. Everyone ready? and.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts. Thousand of doughnuts all the same, just like people. Destined to be chewed up, pooped out and forgotten!
Director: Cut!
[ wide shot of full set, Director still seated ]
Director: Mike, we’re gonna need to go way lighter there, okay? Uh, what about a happy ending, you know? Just think of Fred retiring on a beach, or something..
Michael Vale: [ excited ] Oh, yeah, that could work! Let’s try it!
Director: Okay. Aaaaand.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts.. and then I’m retiring to Florida, with my hot little stewardess girlfriend! and, believe me, from now on, it ain’t gonna be doughnuts I’ll be eating!!
Director: CUT!!
Michael Vale: It’s a rap!
Director: No! No! No! It’s not a rap, okay?! Look.. I know this is a big day for you, but —
Michael Vale: Yeah! It’s been quite a ride.
Director: You know what? No, it hasn’t! Okay? You say one line, and you look kind of funny. That’s not a ride! So, say the damn line and hold up the doughnuts.. and that’s all the people want to see, we can get out of here!
Michael Vale: Oh, I see.. Well, you see, I don’t think that is all the people want to see!! [ angrily thrusts up the pan of doughnuts and knocks them to the floor ] Alright?! Now, they laughed along with his character for fifteen years, and now I think they want to see him die or get some tail!!
Director: Fine. I’m ot going to argue with you, okay? Everyone, we’re gonna take a break! And, then, the doughnut guy can do whatever he wants okay?!
Michael Vale: Good!
[ fade to black ]
[ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ]
[ fade back up to closed-up on the Dunkin Doughnuts set ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re up at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the donuts. And time to get it on! [ bikini-clad blonde enters scene and is kissed by Vale ] Baby! [ looks over as Grim Reaper enters scene ] Oops.. time for me to go! See all you people in Hell! It’s been quite a ride, everybody!
Announcer: Dunkin Donuts. Start your morning right.
Ted Turner…..Will Ferrell Shawn Southwick…..Molly Shannon Larry King…..Norm MacDonald Fran Drescher…..Cheri Oteri Al Pacino…..Chris Kattan Dennis Franz…..Darrell Hammond Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey Jane Fonda…..Ana Gasteyer
[Larry King and Shawn Southwick are having their wedding reception at Spago Hollywood in Beverly Hills. Ted Turner gets up to a podium at the table to speak, tapping on a glass with a piece of silverware.]
Ted Turner: Can I have everyone’s attention? Now when I hired Larry King to work for me at CNN, I never dreamed I’d be his best man at his wedding. So Larry, as your best man and boss, let me just say you’ll always be my friend as long as your ratings are good. And now may I present Shawn Southwick, the new Miss Larry King.
Shawn Southwick: Oh, thank you, Ted. As Larry’s wife, I just want to say how thrilled I am to have finally found the man of my dreams: a sixty-three-year-old balding Jew who’s been married eight times. Honey, would you like to say something?
Larry King: [He stands to the podium, hunched over as usual. All through his speech, he stands hunched over, switching positions from the right to the left when he switches topics.] Here’s my two cents, gang. Of all the great days in my life, this is gonna be one of the two or three greatest. Michael Jordan is better at basketball than he is at baseball. If you only see one movie for the rest of your life, it should be “Gattica.” I don’t care what anybody says, in my book Princess Diana’s death was a tragedy! Between Tylenol tablets and Tylenol jello caps, nothing beats Tylenol tablets! The more I think about it, the more I realize one of the great figures of the 20th century has to be Leonard Maltin! Is it just me or –
[Ted Turner stands up, tugging on his arm.]
Ted Turner: Okay, Larry, settle down, settle down. Fran Drescher’d like to make a toast, here. Come up here, Fran.
Fran Drescher: Larry, Shawn, congratulations. As you know, I am on the hit show “The Nanny,” but unlike the other nanny who’s been on TV lately, I didn’t kill any kids! [laughs annoying]
Ted Turner: Fran, you’re very annoying. Leave. Leave.
Fran Drescher: Oh, I’m scared! You’re the big bad wolf Ted Turner! [Fran leaves the area.]
Ted Turner: Al Pacino, would you like to say a few words? Come up here, Al.
Al Pacino: [talking gruffly] Okay. Thank you, Ted. Shawn, you’re a beautiful young woman. Hoo-hah! You just married Larry King. Look. [Starts snapping his fingers continually in front of his face, not blinking at all. Look at his eyes. Look. Look. Mouth. Tongue. [stops snapping] What the hell were you thinking?!
Ted Turner: Al, Al, Al, just calm down.
Al Pacino: I’m just getting warmed up! [waits a few seconds] I’m done.
Larry King: I’ve got a hunch that the internet is gonna be around for a long, long time, gang! Dr. Kelsey Grammer: one class act! Yours truly believes –
Ted Turner: That’s enough Larry, that’s enough. Get up here, Dennis.
Dennis Franz: Short and sweet. Larry King, where do you get off dating broads half your age? And in terms the looks way out of your league. You shower them with gifts, you shag them in hotels, and then before the pre-nups can take effect, you throw ’em on the street!
Larry King: Actor Dennis Franz –
Dennis Franz: Are you taking a tone with me? Because if you are, in the trunk of my car, I’ve got a hammer looking to bust up the only heart valve you only got that still works! [Larry King sits hastily.] By the way, great baked potato.
Larry King: Sudden thought: there is no better doctor in the world of medicine than Dr. Scholl. I don’t care what anybody says, I’m still not a fan of John Denver –
[Ross Perot enters.]
Ross Perot: Larry, can I get in here? Can I get in here for a minute, please? Can I finish, please, just for a minute? Could you just zip it for one second? Not your fly, zip the mouth, right now. [moves his hand up and down] See, there’s your jaw going like that, I want it to go like that. [shuts his hand] Any questions? That’s it. Is it all going over your head? Is it all just whistles and bells right now, is that it? Larry, why are you getting married, anyway? Has any woman ever removed these suspenders, trembling in anticipation? Has any woman ever seen you naked and said, “I gotta get me some of that!” Look at you. What are you, a hunchback? Lower that down. Take some tai chi. Look at you. You’re all cramped up. Up close, you are an odd looking bird, you know that? You must have made a deal with the Devil! Hell, “I’m gonna be on TV for 80 years, but I’ve got to go through life looking like a turtle!” Curves are nice on a woman, not on a spine. Check into a thing, it’s called a chiropractor. How are you? Anyway, listen, all I wanted – [He notices Larry has sat down.] That’s right, run away, run away, there you are. Quick impression of you right now – “What’s going on? What? Where am I? Where’s Ross Perot? Hey, why am I a turtle?” All I want to do is zoom zoom and a boom boom and a zoom zoom. That’s right. See, I’m hip. I’m keeping up with the young people. Can you even name a Hanson, Larry? I didn’t think so. Just a blank stare right there. There’s nobody home, all hollow up there. Shawn, quick impression of Larry on your wedding night. [starts snoring] I’m just kidding, Larry. I’m kidding cause I love you, that’s right. Now listen, you can go on with your little wedding, pushing wedding cake into his face and throw garter belts around – I’m trying to save our nation. Let me put it to you this way, folks. Please, this country’s in trouble. Let me just say, you can squat on a pit bull, but that don’t get you rhubarb pie.
[Ted Turner and Jane Fonda stare at each other, bewildered.]
Ross Perot: Can you follow me? Can anybody follow me?
Larry King: For my money, the best way to reach the operator is to dial “0”.
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Air Date:
A Message From the First-Lady of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) isn’t keen on allowing Hillary (Ana Gasteyer) to address the nation.
