Category: 1997

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm Macdonald
Joe Blow … Colin Quinn

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacdonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm Macdonald: I’m Norm Macdonald, now the -[pause] – fake news, our top story tonight:

As the war of words between the U.S. and Iraqcontinues to heat up, President Clinton today sent hislatest blunt message to Saddam Hussein. Quote, “As ourtwo nations appear headed toward military conflict,let history record that all this could have beenavoided with a simple fifty thousand dollarcontribution to the Democratic National Committee. …The blood is on your hands.” …

In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in thetrial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski and appearsto be moving briskly. In fact, lawyers for the defensehad only one question for each prospective juror:”What is your mailing address?” …

Just days after she was freed by a Massachusettsjudge, British nanny Louise Woodward has receivednumerous job offers from families seeking an aupair. Although her attorneys refuse to sayprecisely who has made these offers, speculation hassurfaced that JonBenet Ramsey’s parents are expecting…. [stunned silence, groans, boos, light laughter]Yeah, they’re gonna have a little bundle of joy therein their life. …

A frightening moment this week for First Lady HillaryClinton. Her plane, en route to the former SovietUnion, was forced to make an emergency landing when itwas discovered that a frayed wire in the engine wascausing serious malfunctions. The president was saidto be furious and demanded an immediate investigationof what went wrong with “Operation: Frayed Wire.”…

There was outrage in Detroit this week when Dr. JackKevorkian helped a woman commit suicide in a localchurch, leaving her body inside the church building.According to Kevorkian, murdering people in his vanhas almost completely lost its sense of blasphemy. …[mild reaction from crowd]

Man in the Audience: [shouts] Norm!

Norm Macdonald: [waves] Hello, hi, how are ya?…

In a statement with profound legal implications, theFBI announced this week that for the first time, itsexperts can now identify an individual with onehundred per cent accuracy through his DNA. And,really, when you think about it, the timing could nothave been better, said former football great O. J.Simpson. … [mild reaction, someone boos] Hewas good on the gridiron. …

A celebrated Hollywood cosmetic surgeon, whose clientsinclude Michael Jackson, Phyllis Diller and JoanRivers, has been accused of fondling patients whilethey were under anesthesia. The case has legal expertswondering: who is the real victim here?…

In Bridgeport, Connecticut, Robert Auger, who suffersfrom emphysema blew up his home trying to smoke acigarette while breathing with an oxygen tank. … Inresponse, the R. J. Reynolds company has presented himwith its lifetime achievement award. …

Norm Macdonald: And now, folks, with the localnews, our old friend, Joe Blow! Hey, Joey.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Joe, a glum,middle-aged, blue collar working class guy in aplumber’s outfit. He clutches a black metal lunch boxwhich has an American flag decal on it.]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. Thanks, Norm. In localnews, I was the only one with a flag flyin’ off myhouse on Veteran’s Day. Seen more American flags onthe news footage from Iraq. In block news, the guynext door to me, his wife is sellin’ Tupperware out ofthe house while the son is sellin’ drugs out o’ thegarage. I called the cops on ’em. They let the son go.Meanwhile, the wife is doin’ two years for income taxevasion. …

In educational news, my wife won’t send my youngestgirl to Catholic school ’cause the teachers hit thekids. So we sent her to public school where the kidshit the teachers. …

My daughter got thrown out for tryin’ to pray ’causeyou can’t pray in public school, only Catholic school.Public school, ya get shot, stabbed — that’s where yaneed to pray. Right, Norm?

Norm Macdonald: [off screen] Yep. …

Joe Blow: [nods grimly] In international news,I go around the corner to the Rose o’ Tralee, theIrish bar. It’s run by three Spanish guys now. ThePegan brothers, Norm. The Pegan brothers. You walk in,sometimes you’re the only one not wearin’ a fishnetT-shirt. … They even changed the jukebox. E-7 usedto be “Wild Colonial Boy” – now, it’s the Theme from”Carlito’s Way.” I go next door to the pizzeria, theygot two Arabs behind the counter. You gotta make surethey don’t give ya a slice off the old pie. I want thefresh one, the one underneath. They won’t let ya seewhich pizza it comes off behind the counter. They keepit hidden from you like you’re a U.N. chemical weaponsinspector. …

The neighborhood’s changin’, Norm. In the old days,there used to be a gin mill on every corner.

Norm Macdonald: Yeah. Well, it sounds like itwas a great place to raise children. …

Joe Blow: [nods] You said it, Norm. In sports,my oldest daughter is boxin’ and liftin’ weights whilemy oldest son teaches Afro-Cuban step funk at LucilleRoberts. … In the meantime, my doctor tells me I gotthe cardiovascular system of Bill Parcells. … Indomestic news, my wife thinks I need a second job, mydaughter thinks I need psychiatric help and myyoungest son throws me gang signs at the dinner table…. He wants to join a gang, Norm — the Bloods. He’sgot the red bandana, the knife. Norm, when I wasgrowin’ up, a red bandana and a knife meant you werein the Boy Scouts.

Norm Macdonald: Yeah, well, sadly enough, gangsare a big thing nowadays, Joe.

Joe Blow: I was in a gang myself, Norm. You’renot talkin’ to Zeke from the Creek over here. … Iwas in a gang. The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets. …[makes a fist] We gave out some pinochle-in’s in thosedays, Norm, but we did it like gentlemen.

Norm Macdonald: [trying to wrap things up]Well, I guess that’s about that, huh, Joe?

Joe Blow: Hey, Norm! What’s the skinny on thatbeer?

Norm Macdonald: [uncomfortable] Beer?

Joe Blow: The beer that we never had.

Norm Macdonald: Oh.

Joe Blow: Yeah. What do you say, after this, wego down to the Rose of Tralee, you know, have a beer,you take a couple of pictures with the Pegan brothers,maybe sign their dominoes table. …

Norm Macdonald: [not crazy about the idea,tries to be polite] Well, that sounds like a plan,Joe. That – that sounds like a plan. Joe Blow,everybody!

[Cheers and applause for Joe. A new camera anglecatches Norm off guard, he flinches in surprise, putsa hand to his lips effeminately, then gathers himselfand continues:]

In Washington, D. C., several local activists aretrying to gather enough signatures by December to puta medical marijuana initiative on the ballot.Meanwhile, one local activist is trying to do the samething for medical crack. [Photo ofcrack-smokin’ D. C. mayor Marion Barry] …

The WNBA officially expanded to ten teams this week,adding franchises in Detroit and Washington, D. C. Butbefore you get too excited about the new additions tothe league, remember: all of the players are stillwomen. … [weak reaction from crowd, Normexplains:] They stink at basketball, that’s theproblem. … Other than that, it’d be a good, youknow, a good game but they’re – they’re allhorrible so it makes for a – kind of aboring game. …

Four Wisconsin men have been charged with felony hatecrimes after burning a man’s buggy simply because hewas Amish. If convicted, the men face up totwenty-five years in prison. But furious Amish leaderssay that is NOT enough. They want the dunking wheel!…

[Photo of a blue gown on a dressmaker’s dummy, with ahandwritten sign visible on a post in the background]A Tampa businesswoman who bought several of PrincessDiana’s gowns as a collector is now putting them ondisplay to raise money for charity. However, hermethod of display is being described by many asinappropriate. [Closer view of sign which reads: “SeeDead Lady’s Dress 50¢”] … [almost zero reaction fromcrowd, groans, someone says, “Oh, man!” in disbelief]Still, for four bits, you know, that’s a good deal….

According to a recent study published in New Choicesmagazine, the more household chores a husband does,the more likely his wife is to report having good sex.The article explains that when a man does asubstantial amount of housework, it gives his wifesome time to go out and find a real man to have sexwith. …

And, in Sugarland, Texas, a Florida-bound Amtrak traincollided with the back of a tractor trailer carryingbagged sand. Thankfully, no serious injuries werereported. However, the accident did draw protest fromthe group People for the Ethical Treatment of Sand…. [almost zero reaction, groans] Yeah. Thosepeople. …

And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary schoolteacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week tohaving sex with a sixth grade student whose child shebore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a”sex offender” or, as the kids refer to her, “TheGreatest Teacher Ever.” … [applause, cheers]

And that’s it, folks.

[Norm starts to unclasp the microphone from hisnecktie. Music, cheers and applause as we dissolve tothe WU graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

The View

Meredith Viera…..Molly Shannon
Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri
Star Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Debbie Matenopoulus…..Clair Danes
Cokie Jones…..Ana Gesteyer

[ background music starts ]

[ The View logo ]

[ hosts enter and sit at the table ]

Meredith Viera: Hi, welcome to The View. We got a great show for you today. Right, ladies?

Barbara Walters: We certainly do.

Meredith Viera: Okay, let’s start with a look at the newspaper.

Star Jones: We have got some hot topics today.

Meredith Viera: Yes, we do. What do you think about this? Louise Woodward, the British nanny, was set free on Monday. Her conviction was reduced from murder to manslaughter.

Star Jones: Now, I am a lawyer, and I can tell you manslaughter is a lesser charge than murder. So, her charges were actually reduced.

Barbara Walters: Meredith, I was at a dinner party with Berry Chuck just last night, and, girlfriend, he was as giddy as a school-girl who had crossed the ocean, killed her baby, and got all scott free.

Meredith Viera: Nice, nice. Now, I have a nanny, and it’s worked out great, but I also have a secret nanny who keeps an eye on the other nanny, but, uh, not everyone can afford that.

Barbara Walters: No, this is true. Yes, this is true.

Debbie Matenopoulus: You, guys, that English nanny bugs me. I mean, I mean, what is with that stupid accent?

[ Barbara Walters makes a hand gesture ]

Debbie Matenopoulus: Right? I mean, you know. [ giggles ]

[ short silence ]

Meredith Viera: Okay, this, um, this next story is really very interesting. Umm, President Clinton is sending 50 more warplanes to Iraq. This will double the number of U.S. warplanes in the region from 50 to 100.

Star Jones: Now, I am a lawyer, and what this means is that there were 50 planes and now, there are 100 planes, and that’s almost twice as many planes. I know.

Barbara Walters: That’s right, that’s right, true. I was horseback riding with Saddam Hussein just last week. And let me tell you, sister friend, that man is as crazy as a crap house rat.

Debbie Matenopoulus: You guys, I’ll take on Saddam Hussein myself ’cause, ’cause I do power yoga, and I’m like totally strong.

Meredith Viera: Okayyyy, our guest today is one of my favorite journalists. She’s fantastic. This lady is fantastic. You see her every Sunday on This Week with David Brinkley. Please welcome Cokie Roberts.

[ Cokie enters and sits down ]

[ everyone speaking at the same time ]

Star Jones: You must be a size six.

Cokie Roberts: Well, thank you for having me.

Barbara Walters: Cokie, I must ask, what is the most difficult interview you’ve ever done?

Cokie Roberts: Well, Barbara, I would have to say it’s–

Barbara Walters: Because, Cokie, if it were me, it would have to either be Henry Kissinger, Fidel Castro, or my upcoming interview with Ferry Switzer this week on 20/20.

Meredith Viera: You know, sometimes, I will be in the middle of the interview, and I will start thinking about my son, Alex, and I will be thinking what is he doing right now. Is he eating a sandwich? Does he miss me? And I feel so guilty about being a working mom.

Star Jones: See, that’s why I say no kids for me. ‘Cause we all know I got to have my me time.

[ all the ladies say “That is so Star!” ]

Debbie Matenopoulus: Umm, Cokie, you know what I wanted to ask you, does anyone ever call you Cokie Cola or Diet Cokie?

[ short silence ]

Meredith Viera: Okay, it is time now, um, for our question of the day. Okay, today’s question comes from Marlyn Campbell of Tulsa, Oklahoma. And, Cokie, we chose this question in your honor. Okay? If you could be any Spice Girl, which one would you be and why? It’s a great question, huh? It is, it is. Great question, great question.

Barbara Walters: I’ll go first. I said ginger spice, also known as sexy spice, because I’ve always thought of myself as that Benny Hill type of big-breasted beauty. Star?

Star Jones: Now, I know all you thought I was gonna say scary spice.

Barbara Walters: That’s true.

Meredith Viera: Yes.

Star Jones: Why, oh, why is the only Black spice girl called scary? I mean, I wanna be called, i wanna be pudge spice, you know. Wear some Prada, okay. I’m a lawyer.

Debbie Matenopoulus: How about you, Cokie Cola?

Cokie Roberts: Well, I, I’ve been a journalist for 28 years, and, uh, Barbara, you’ve gotta get off the show before it sinks to you like a stone.

Debbie Matenopoulus: No fair, you didn’t answer the question.

Cokie Roberts: And, and someone should be you senseless with your own chunky black shoes.

[ everyone speaking at the same time ]

Star Jones: I know that’s true. If I had decent senses, I’d beat that little white bitch myself.

Meredith Viera: Okay, we have to go to commercial, but stick around, we’re gonna be talking about the problem of virginity with the cast of the Lion King.

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

November 22nd, 1997

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

Sarah McLachlan

None

None
Dramatic GiulianiSummary: Colin Quinn insists that Mayor Rudolph Giuliani straighten up before doing the show.

Transcript

Montage

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s MonologueSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani shows how he has improved New York City since becoming its mayor.

Bio: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (1944-). Politician; 107th Mayor of New York City, held office 1994-2001; an early contender for the 2008 Republican nomination.

Cameos: 95j, 01a, 01i, 07f.

Transcript

NightlineSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani barges in to refute charges that he is best friends with Saddam Hussein (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Saddam Hussein.

Transcript

Barry Scheck’s ClientsSummary: Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) and her mother (Mayor Rudolph Giuliani) prepare Thanksgiving dinner.

Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio.

Transcript

St. Monica’s Spelling BeeSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) competes in a spelling bee.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

GraffitiSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani enforces stricter punishment for grafitti artists.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) and Sarah McLachlan sing “Basted In Blood”.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

Transcript

Sarah McLachlan performs “Sweet Surrender”Bio: Sarah McLachlan (1968-). Canadian singer-songwriter; founded the 1997-99 Lilith Fair concert tour for female artists.

The Joe Pesci ShowRecurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Spider, Marion Berry.

Friggin’ Giuliani!Summary: A New York City cabdriver (Mayor Rudolph Giuliani) is outraged over the way Mayor Giuliani has cleaned things up.

Transcript

Janet Reno’s Dance PartyRecurring Characters: Janet Reno.

Transcript

Colin Quinn Explains The New York TimesTranscript

PerspectivesRecurring Characters: Lionel Osborne.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Dramatic Giuliani

…..Chris Kattan
…..Molly Shannon
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
…..Colin Quinn

[ open on Chris Kattan talking to a showgirl backstage ]

Chris Kattan: — As I was saying: I play this character called “Mr. Peppers”. He’s a half-man, half-monkey, and he eats an apple like this — [ he demonstrates the motion as Molly Shannon walks forward ]

Showgirl: I see —

Molly Shannon: Excuse me… excuse me. I need Kattan for one minute. [ the showgirl steps away ] Okay, thanks. Chris, have you seen the Mayor? He’s, like — he’s, like, really gotten into this performing thing.

Chris Kattan: Yeah, of course he’s into it. The guy throws himself into everything he does.

Molly Shannon: No! That’s not what I mean!

Chris Kattan: Look, Molly, don’t even worry about it. I mean, the guy — he’s the mayor of the toughest city in the world. Come on.

Molly Shannon: Yeah —

[ Mayor Rudolph Giuliani walks up to Chris and Molly, dressed in a foppish outfit with a powdered wig atop his head ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Chris, Molly — could you do me a favor?

Chris Kattan: Yeah — sure.

Molly Shannon: Ss–sure.

Chris Kattan: Yeah.

Molly Shannon: Whatever.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Let’s not bother with the formalities, “Chrissie”. Please call me… “Rudolph”.

Chris Kattan: O-kayyy… “Rudolph.” Um — shouldn’t you get dressed for the monologue?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Well, that’s exactly the problem, . That dreadful man in the costume department is trying to put me in some drab, tacky little suit for my entrance! I look like a… begger!

Chris Kattan: Why don’t they just let you wear your own clothes?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: These are my clothes! Isn’t it marvelous? [ Chris and Molly appear dumbfounded ] Oh, and the wig they want me to wear. It’s just not ME!

Molly Shannon: [ glances at the powdered wig and nods ] Oh. Yeah, th-that wig is just awful! You can definitely do better than — than — that!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: My dear girl — this is my real hair! [ Colin Quinn suddenly steps forward ] Colin. Do you think this — this works without the cape?

Colin Quinn: [ to Chris and Molly ] Can you guys give me a second? [ they nod and run away without further prompting ] Listen… Mayor Giuliani —

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Call me… “Rudolph”.

Colin Quinn: [ holds up his finger ] No! Listen to me: you’re the mayor of New York City, not Sgt. Pepper!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, “Mayor” is just another one of the characters I do. I can slip into it as easily as any — any of my characters! [ demonstrates ] “Show me the money!! Show me the money!!”

Colin Quinn: Please! Stop that!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I’m doing this show so I can have some fun and be myself — not that dreary “Mayor Giuliani” character. So drab, drab, drab! All day long, it’s potholes and zoning, those horrid people from the press!

Colin Quinn: Listen! If you were going down to bust up the Fulton Fish Market dressed like that, we’d still be eating Clams Gambino!! You gotta be the Mayor! Yuo gotta ACT like the Mayor!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Colin, I think not.

Colin Quinn: Well, I think so! Look — you probably don’t know this, but I’m from Brooklyn!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: How can I not know it? It’s half your act!

Colin Quinn: There’s no need for that! [ a beat ] Now, shave that thing off your lip, and GET OUT THERE and show ’em what New York City is all about!! [ music rises ] This is the city where DiMaggio played center field! Where Gershwin wrote “Rhapsody in Blue”! Where Washington was inaugurated President! Half the families in this country came through Ellis Island! It’s the Empire State Building! It’s Martin Scorcese! It’s The Ramones! It’s The Apollo! It’s Leonard Bernstein! Emmett’s Field! Birdland! Roseland! Peepland! It’s Fiorello LaGuardia!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Don’t forget the New York Yankees!!

Colin Quinn: That’s right! The Yankees! This is New York City! And you are the Mayor! Now, say it!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: “Live, from the Capitol of the World, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Friggin’ Giuliani!

Irate Cabdriver…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Fare #1…..Will Ferrell
Fare #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Fare #3…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on interior, New York City taxi cab ]

Cabdriver: Where to?

Fare #1: Uh.. 14th and 3rd.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss. Just buckle your seatbelt. Don’t act like some bigshot. Just put it on. Now! [ eerie laughter ]

Fare #1: What the hell was that?

Cabdriver: Celebrities tellin’ people to put their seatbelts on. The Mayor put a tape in every cab. Friggin’ Guiliani! Can you believe what he did to 42nd Street?

Fare #1: Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s great!

Cabdriver: Great? You gotta be kiddin’. I’ll take porn over Disney any day! Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #1: Well, he’s just trying to clean up the city.

Cabdriver: Listen, I’ve lived in this city for forty-four years. I was born here, and I can tell ya, three things make New York great: crime, noise and porn!

Fare #1: You know, some people like a clean city.

Cabdriver: Where do you come from?

Fare #1: Boston.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #1: What?

Cabdriver: You heard me. Go back to Beantown, you hippie! [ Fare #1 exits the cab ]

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss again. Don’t forget your belongings, or you’ll be saying goodbye.. girl.. to your wallet. Just do it!

Cabdriver: [ honks horn ] Move it, you piece of garbage limo! [ slows down and picks up Fare #2 ]

Fare #2: 1236 Park Avenue, please.

Cabdriver: Well, la-dee-dah!

Fare #2: Eh-excuse me?

Cabdriver: Nothin’, nothin’, nothin’..

Recording: This is Bob Costas, reminding you to buckle up your seatbelt, to save and protect you. Like a young Willie Mayes reaching over his shoulder..

Fare #2: Can you shut this off?

Cabdriver: Sit tight, honey. It’s almost over.

Recording: ..Hall of Fame glove. So, buckle up. Willie Mayes.. and.. Henry James, would have wanted it that way.

Fare #2: Doesn’t that drive you crazy?

Cabdriver: What choice do I have? I’m driving double-shift on my brother-in-law’s rented medallion. Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: I’m sorry to hear that.

Cabdriver: The mayor says we have to buy a new cab every five years. He raised medallion rentals! I’ve been drivin’ eighty hours straight just to break even!

Fare #2: Shouldn’t you go home?

Cabdriver: I’ll be fine. [ slowly dozes off ]

Fare #2: Wake up!

Cabdriver: Wha..? What..?

Fare #2: You should get some sleep.

Cabdriver: Guiliani should get some sleep!

Fare #2: That doesn’t make any sense.

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: Actually, I agree with you. Guiliani has placed too much emphasis on safety for the rich instead of programs for the poor.

Cabdriver: Really? Is that what you think? Where are you from?

Fare #2: I moved here a year ago from Chicago.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #2: Because I’m from Chicago?

Cabdriver: Yeah! Now, get out! And tell Michael Jordan he travels every time he dribbles the ball! [ Fare #2 exits the cab ]

Recording: It’s time to leave.. and.. check your belongings.. and.. I’m reminded of the retirement of..

Cabdriver: [ bangs tape ] Shut up! Shut up! [ honks horn at pedestrian ] Stupid pedestrian! Move it, you bastard! What are you, blind?

Voice of Pedestrian: Yes, I am blind!

Cabdriver: [ stunned ] I’m very sorry. I didn’t know that. [ slows down and picks up Fare #3 ]

Fare #3: 87th and Columbus.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is James Earl Jones. Buckle up your seatbelt or.. you.. will.. die! [ Fare #3 quickly buckles up ]

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] That’s the only one that works!

Fare #3: Hey, stop by the Disney Store on the way, man, I wanna get my daughter some Flub-A-Lub.

Cabdriver: That’s fine. I’ll catch a peep show while I wait.

Fare #3: Word is bond?

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Graffiti

…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: We’ve brought New York a long way in the past few years, but there’s still a lot to be done. One of the things we won’t tolerate any more is grafitti. We got it off the subway, but there’s still a lot of idiots out there who are trying to turn our streets into an eyesore. So, this time, we’re getting tough!

From now on, every time you write your name in grafitti on public property, we’re going to put the word “Sucks” right under it. That’s right. Instead of being Mr. Cool, everyone’s going to think you suck. Our trained staff of police artists will make it look like you wrote it.

For two-time offenders, we’re going to put “Sucks Big Time“. Think how embarrassed you’ll be when your friends see your name that way. I know I’d be.

So, the next time you think about defacing public property, think about this. In your face, punk!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Controlling the Airwaves

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Gates…..Chris Kattan
Ted Turner…..Will Ferrell
Rupert Murdoch…..Jim Breuer

[“Men Behaving Badly” is on. Two men appear to play hockey in an apartment hallway.]

Man: Ready?

[The President logo cuts in.]

Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast of Men Behaving Badly to bring you this special announcement from the President of the United States.

Bill Clinton: Good evening. My fellow Americans, I come before you tonight to discuss important recent developments in Iraq. At 7:20 this evening, Saddam Hussein sent a –

[The Microsoft logo cuts in.]

Announcer: We interrupt this message from the president to bring you this more important message from Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates.

Bill Gates: Hello, America! I just wanted to break into the airwaves to let everyone know I’m doing fine, despite heavy losses in a recent stock market crash, or “distraction,” as I refer to it. I must admit, it was my fault! I was trying to download a naked picture of Agent Scully and I hit a wrong key! Whoops! But, I took heavy losses as well. The other day, I had to use a coupon to buy a Monet! I was . . .

[The CNN logo cuts in.]

Announcer: This is Ted Turner.

Ted Turner: Hi everyone, I’m Ted Turner, owner of CNN, the Atlanta Braves, and Jane Fonda’s lover. No matter how big old Billy Gates docks, he still can’t get near what I just done, cause last month I gave one billion dollars to the United Nations. That’s right, I bought the sucker! Now maybe finally Zaire can get that superstation they deserve. I’m also talking with Peru about . . .

[Bill Gates cuts in. He angrily smacks a key, then turns back to the screen.]

Bill Gates: Don’t screw with me, Turner. Because in a simple keystroke of my computer, I can un-colorize all your colorized films. And with this key, I can un-colorize you!

[Ted Turner cuts back in.]

Ted Turner: TV is my world Gates, so watch your ass. [The screen suddenly turns black-and-white.] What? What the hell?

[Bill Clinton cuts in.]

Bill Clinton: And by giving Rhode Island to Iraq, we can reach –

[The News Corporation logo interrupts.]

Announcer: And now, a very important message from Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Rupert Murdoch here. Got tired of hearing Gates and Turner squawking like chickens. You all know me, I own the Fox network. We produce such fine programs, as “When Animals Attack Porno Stars,” and I also just bought the Dodgers. Not because I’m trying to compete with Ted Turner, I just love baseball. Go send . . .

[Bill Gates cuts back in.]

Bill Gates: Turner, Murdoch, you make me laugh. You’re only worth, like, five billion apiece! I give out that much to trick-or-treaters! Why am I so rich? [whispers loudly] Because I get off on it! Now back your “president” as he finishes the speech I wrote for him last night when I was wasted.

[Bill Clinton shows up again.]

Bill Clinton: And there is no way you can tell me the dark side of the moon is better than exile on Main Street. [laughs] But you know, I love you man. Finally, I say to you, America, “Live from New York it’s” –

[Ted Turner cuts in.]

Ted Turner: No you don’t, Clinton, no you don’t! Live from New York, it’s –

Rupert Murdoch: Go to hell there Turner, go to hell! Live from New York, it’s Saturday –

Bill Gates: [giddily laughs] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Jon Lovitz’s Monologue

…..Jon Lovitz

Jon Lovitz: [ enjoying the applause received by the audience ] Thank yoooooooooooouu!! Well — [ coughes, accidentally belches ] Excuse me.. my lip has gas. Well, I’m thrilled to be back in New York, because I’m about to star on Broadway in a new one-man show entitled “Jon lovitz Is Jon Lovitz”. And you’re probably wondering, “Now, how did he get the part?” Well, I’ll tell you – I auditioned, like everyone else. Now, thousands of people showed up to audition; it was down to two people – me.. and Oprah Winfrey. Well.. Oprah got the part. But she could only commit for a month, so, then, I took over the role myself!

And what a show it is. Oh, we’ve got acting! Like this.. [ acting overdramatic ] “Oh, Mother.. Mother, I don’t feel good.. Mother, please! MOTHERRRRRRRR!!!” Acting! Thank you! [ audience applauds wildly ]

And we’ve got dancing.. [ shows off his magnificent comic dance moves ] Jealous?

And we’ve got.. singing.

[ SNL band backs up Lovitz ]

I’d like to dedicate this song.. to someone very special who’s here tonight. Someone who is the reason.. I get out of bed every morning.. and the person I love.. more than anyone else in the whole world.

[ wanders out into the audience, begins to sing ]

“Someday, when I’m awfully low –“

[ touches the cheek of a woman in the audience ]

How you doing?

“When the world is cold–“

[ points offscreen to another woman in the audience ]

Lookin’ good!

“I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you –“

[ walks over to a monitor with an image of him singing, and points at himself ]

“And the way you look.. tonight.”

[ runs back on stage, where another monitor with his image on it waits ]

“Yes, you’re lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There’s nothing for me
But to love you
And the way you look. tonight.”

We’ve got a great show! Jane’s Addiction is here! Yeah! Yeah! Jon Lovitz is here!

[ singing ] “So, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaaack!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times

…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: And now, Colin Quinn explains the New York Times.

Colin Quinn: The New York Times. Everything that you need to know about our world is right here in this paper. But do we read it? No. We all want to be the kind of people that read it, and say to yourself, “I’m going to start reading the Times every day”. But instead, we buy People magazine and watch Hard Copy, and life slowly slips away, doesn’t it? But don’t worry about it, because that’s what I’m here for. I’ll read the Times for you every day and break it down.

Okay, on Monday, we’ve got the President and Paula Jones. You don’t even have to know anything about this story, except that it’s the saddest scandal in history, okay, because nobody even had sex. What kind of country is it when the President can’t get people to go to bed with him.

Alright, but look here, on Tuesday, on page A3, we’ve got this guy in upstate New York who’s giving everybody AIDS. What the hell is that! I mean, on one hand, you’ve got the President coming up to girls, “Hi girls, I’m the President.” “Ewww, who cares, get away from me!” Then this guy, “Hi, I’m a crackhead homeless drug dealer. Just blew into town. Who wants to have sex?” “I do! Me too! Me next!”

Now, on Wednesday, here’s the Metro Section, we have the Bloods in New York. The Bloods – a group of guys going around cutting people. Not even just other gang members – just because you’re wearing red. Just for wearing red, they’ll cut you. I’d hate to be a department store Santa this Christmas, you know what I’m saying? You’re standing out there, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry – Ow! Son of a bitch! He cut me!” And the real Bloods in the interview, they say that these guys are just wannabes. No folks – wannabes are the two kids in Salt Lake City who wear their Utah Jazz caps backwards and listen to the Wu-Tang Clan when their parents are in church. A posse on the subway slicing people up with box-cutters? I don’t know, that seems like gang members to me. And where have the Crips been during all this? You know, the Crips are like Pepsi – you think they fired their marketing guy?

Alright. Let’s go to Thursday in the International section. What is this constant conflict with Iraq, you ask. I’ll explain the whole Iraq-global politics thing to you. Iraq is that drunk guy at the party that nobody likes, he’s kind of a creep, and he picks you out to try and ridicule you, because mostly everybody likes you, you’ve got the cute girlfriend, you’re American, you know. But he’s got a beat on you, he knows you’re a bit of a hypocrite, he makes you paranoid. You want to punch him in the face, shut him up, but that would make you look bad. And your pals, England and France, are like, “Don’t do it. Don’t sink down to his level.” So you try to be a gentleman about it and say to Iraq, “C’mon, Iraq, let’s just agree to disagree.” He smacks your hand away. So, later that night, you key his car. Or, as actually it happened, you kill his son with a missile.

Alright. Friday – let’s check out today’s sports. The Jets and Giants are in first place. The last time that happened, alright, I had long hair, I was out of work, smoking a joint, listening to the Allman Brothers and talking about the Vietnam War. That’s right – the last time that happened was 1995.

I’m Colin Quinn, thank you, good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacdonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, I’m Norm Macdonald,now the fake news, our top story tonight:

Last night, ex-sportscaster Marv Albert and fianceeHeather Faulkner appeared on 20/20 with BarbaraWalters in what Albert admitted was an uphill battleto have a really hot three-way. …

Earlier today, following two weeks of provocation bySaddam Hussein over U.N. weapons inspection, PresidentClinton has issued his clearest warning yet to theIraqi leader. The unusually frank, strongly wordedletter reads as follows, quote: “Should yourgovernment persist in flouting international law, Iwill have no choice but to order military action whichwill be both swift and devastating. Of course, whenthe time for military action comes, I may simplypanic, flee to England and smoke dope until the wholething’s over … But, then again, I may NOT!”…

More fallout from the recent conviction of British aupair Louise Woodward on murder charges. This week, herattorney, Barry Scheck, lashed out at the legalsystem, saying, quote, “What kind of sick society dowe live in where an innocent girl is sent to prisonwhile a double murderer like O. J. Simpson goes free?”… Kind of a– …

Meanwhile, O. J. Simpson’s Brentwood estate officiallywent on sale this week with an asking price of threepoint nine million dollars. According to realtors,some of the home’s highlights include a newlyrenovated gourmet kitchen and a luxurious masterbathroom with separate sinks for murderer andmurderee. [crowd gasps, Norm looks around quizzically]… [crowd falls silent, Norm sings softly:]Murderer, murderee …

On Capitol Hill this week, seventeen Republicancongressmen formally asked the House JudiciaryCommittee whether there is sufficient evidence tobegin impeachment proceedings against PresidentClinton. In response, the president said, quote: “Hey!You know who would have the answer to that question?Vince Foster.” … [scattered applause]

With the release of over one hundred hours ofvideotape of President Clinton at campaignfundraisers, the pressure continues to mount onAttorney General Janet Reno to name an independentcounsel to investigate the president. In addition,some senators are said to be furious that, instead ofwatching the videotapes, Reno has been taping overthem with episodes of “Xena: Warrior Princess.” …[some applause]

On Tuesday, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giulianicruised to reelection with fifty-seven per cent of thevote. [some cheers and applause] The mayor credits hisvictory to strict enforcement of “quality of life”ordinances, while loser Ruth Messinger blamed herdefeat on low voter turnout by aggressive panhandlersand squeegee men. … She was expectin’ them to showup strongly. …

This week, the crew of the trouble-plagued Russianspace station Mir took a much-deserved break, usingtheir on-board computer to do some shopping on theInternet. Among the cosmonauts’ purchases this week: aVCR, an exercise bike, and a new space station.… [mild reaction, Norm shrugs]

Norm Macdonald: Well, right now, I’d like tobring out an old friend who we’ve not seen on WeekendUpdate for many years. Please welcome the president ofthe Pathological Liars Association of America –[crowd reacts with delight] — Tommy Flanagan! [Hugecheers and applause for Tommy.]

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. My name is TommyFlana– er, Flanagan, yeah. … Well,people have been wondering what I’ve been doinglately. Well, I’ve been doing a lot. Fact, uh, er,just last night I went to bed– I mean, I went toTibet! Yeah, that’s it, and I – I went there topick up my shirt at the laundry. And I had athousand pieces of paper in my pocket. So I tookone piece of paper out of my– and I said, “Will thisget me my shirt back?” And he said no. And I said,”Well, hey! Will this piece of paper get me my shirtback?” And the man at the laundry said no. And I said,”Well, gee, gee, how about this piece of paper?Will this get me my shirt back?” And he said —“Yeah, that’s the ticket!” … [groans,cheers and applause for Tommy’s trademarkcatch-phrase]

So I, uh, you know, I put my shirt on and I – I wentfor a hike and then – and then I fell down a glacier!Yeah, that’s it. Twenty thousand fee– er, miles!Yeah! … And I was frozen in the ice — to death. And the following Spring, I thawed out. And when Icame to, who do you think was next to me? AmeliaEarhart! Yeah. … Yeah, and I said, “Hey, Amelia,how ya doin’?” And she said, “Mmm, not good.” …’Cause her leg had been broken. But her plane had beenpreserved in the ice. And I said, “Well, if you let mefly your plane out of here, I’ll come back for you.”[confidentially] It was the only time I lied….

But I – I had to get out of there ’cause I was eatin’an apple– I mean, I had an appointm– I had anaudition. Yeah. … For “Boogie Nights” …Yeah, that’s it. Yeah, they, uh, they needed somebodyfor the last scene. … So I pulled my pants down andI said, “Eh, what do you think?” And they said,ehhhhh, “You’re overqualified.” … I said,”Oh, that’s funny — I was in a cold bath allday!” … Yeah, that’s the ticket. Yeah…

Norm Macdonald: Tommy Flanagan, everybody![cheers and applause, Tommy hesitantly shakes handswith Norm and exits]

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market aPrincess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of themove has made some people very unhappy. Critics chargethat the doll is in poor taste and they’re even moreupset about the Franklin Mint’s other new offering —porcelain land mines. … You can play withthem together, if you want. …

[Photo of drummer Bill Berry whose thick dark eyebrowsappear to be connected] This week, a milestone in rockmusic. R.E.M. drummer Bill Berry has announced that heis quitting the band. Berry, who has been with R.E.M.for seventeen years, says the decision to leave wasentirely mutual, between himself and his gianteyebrow. … [scattered applause] They talked it overand they decided it was best for both of them.

[Photo of chubby talk show host Ricki Lake] A sadstory from the world of entertainment this week. Talkshow host Ricki Lake had to get rid of her dog Dudleyafter the pooch became too aggressive with her sevenmonth old son, Milo. A clearly saddened Lake said, “Itbroke my heart to get rid of that dog. But hewas delicious.” … [groans, scatteredapplause] She ate a whole dog! …

In aviation news, a new study suggests there might bemore survivors of plane crashes if all seats wereequipped with air bags. According to the study, thisis especially true for plane crashes under fifty milesper hour. … The other ones, it doesn’t do much good….

In Waukesha, Wisconsin, five grade school studentshave been charged with holding down a boy and givinghim a wedgie, tearing his underwear in the process…. The students now face three-day suspensions aswell as fines of up to one hundred and forty dollars.Meanwhile, the boy himself faces more wedgies.… [scattered applause]

In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs sixhundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to housearrest because he is too big for prison. According toprison officials, it took four inmates just to rapehim. … [some disbelief mixed with applause, cheers]Huge man!

And, finally, when Richard Gere made his firstappearance recently on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” thetwo got along famously. But all that may change whenthe actor hears about this month’s Oprah Winfrey BookClub selection. It’s called “What Really Happened?” byRichard Gere’s gerbil. … [some disbelief mixed withapplause, cheers, boos] That’s crazy.

Okay, folks! That’s the news! Have a good -thing!

[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie. Music,cheers and applause as we dissolve to the WUgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts