Burt Reynolds…..Norm Macdonald Jerry Reed…..Will Ferrell Michael Jeter…..Chris Kattan
[Opens with a family around a Christmas tree]
Announcer: This holiday season gather the family and spend some time with one of America’s most beloved performers. Friday its “A Burt Reynolds Christmas”.
Caption: A Burt Reynolds Christmas
[Burt stands there in his black leather jacket and red shirt]
Kid: Merry Christmas, uncle Burt.
Burt Reynolds: Yep. Who the hell is this kid?
[Cut to an arguing Michael Jeter]
Announcer: With his special guest, “Evening Shade” co-star, Michael Jeter and Jerry Reed.
[Jerry Reed in a trucker’s look plays the guitar]
[Michael and Jerry play cards with Burt]
Burt Reynolds: I’ll see you ten and I’ll bump you ten. Up to you.
Michael Jeter: I can’t see my cards.
Burt Reynolds: Oh, yeah. I put something in your eggnog earlier. Ha, ha.
[Michael falls down on his face]
[Burt and Jerry laugh]
Jerry Reed: You son of a gun!
[Cut to Jerry getting something out of a red stocking, Burt is next to him.]
Jerry Reed: Well, Burt. It looks like Santa done left us a whole stocking full of jokes. [pulls out paper] How many elves—
Burt Reynolds: Oh, wait a minute, I know this one. Is this the one where the elf pulls his johnson out in the whorehouse?
Jerry Reed: Well Burt, you’re not gonna find a joke of that nature in here.
Burt Reynolds: Sure. I put a whole bunch of them in there earlier.
[cut to Burt giving a gift all wrapped pretty to a little girl]
Burt Reynolds: Here you go.
Girl: Thanks, Santa.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, you bet. There’s nothing in it. Its a prop. Ha, ha.
[cut to Burt and Jerry again. Burt takes out a joke out of the red stocking]
Burt Reynolds: Ha, ha. This one’s funny. Read it for the folks.
Jerry Reed: [reads and he’s embarrassed] Oh, God. Burt…
Burt Reynolds: C’mon, its funny.
Jerry Reed: I can’t read this. It’s about my old wife.
Burt Reynolds: Ha, ha. Merry Christmas to you.
Announcer: A Burt Reynolds Christmas. Friday on NBC.
[ open on interior, household foyer during Christmas – the doorbell rings, a hand reaches out to open the door, revealing Marty and Bobby Mohan-Culp at the door with a keyboard ]
Culps: [ singing ] Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la, la la la la!”
[ the door is shut ]
Marty Culp: Wo wo wo wo wo! [ pushes the door back open ] Jesse? You probably don’t recognize us! I’m Marty Culp.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I’m Bobbie Mohan-Culp. We were your musicteachers back at Altadina Middle School.
Marty Culp: Yeah. Yeah. It probably feels like ancient history to Jesse here – he’s already a sophomore at Vasser.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [ laughs ] Oh, gosh, Jesse, it looks like yourfamily’s in the middle of a Christmas bash.. But you are the last house on our annual caroling tour.
Marty Culp: And we knew your parents always get a real charge out of our holiday house call.. Hi, Eileen! Oh.. she’s moving real fast there!
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Those quiches look real good!
Marty Culp: They sure look good, yeah..
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Listen, Jesse.. we’ve been caroling for sevenhours. Could we maybe just use your facilities..?
[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it back open in time ]
Marty Culp: Yeah, you’re right.. it’s probably better that we stay out here, if you’ve got a house full of people in there!
Senor Franklin: Heads up! entering the caroling zone!
Never fear, the tenor section’s here!
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Oh, the gang’s all here! Jesse, I’m sure youremember your old Spanish teacher – Senor Franklin.
Senor Franklin: Feliz navidad, Jesse!
Marty Culp: And, of course, Connie Davenport, the only typing teacher around who knows all the words to every Gilbert & Sullivan operetta.
Connie Davenport: Sorry, Jesse, we took so long. Your rottweiler really took a liking to my 19th Century cape.
Senor Franklin: Well, I have to admit, Connie – it does smell a little like bacon!
Connie Davenport: It’s a rental.
Marty Culp: It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
Connie Davenport: Boy, that wind chill is really starting to kick in..!
[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it open again ]
Marty Culp: Boy.. no room at the inn, huh?
Senor Franklin: Looks like Jesse wants us to sing for our supper! [ camera moves back and forth “no” ]
Marty Culp: No? Oh. Well.. uh.. let’s get the carols cooking. Uh.. Jesse, real quick bathroom break? [ camera moves back and forth “no” ] No?
Connie Davenport: Maybe you’ll change your mind after we make you a musical snowman, and stuff your stocking with a lump of funk!
Marty Culp: Sounds good to me. 1, 2, 3, 4! [ plays the keyboard ]
Men: “Jingle bells, jingle all the.. Jingle bells, jingle all the..”
Connie Davenport: “Jing-jing-jing that bell. Jing-jing-jing that bell.”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “You can ring my be-e-ell!”
All: Ring-ding-ding.. ding-a-ling-a-ling!”
“Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o’er the plains. Glo-o-o-o-o-ria!” Men: “Gloria!”
Woman: “G-L-O-R-I-A!”
Men: “Gloria!”
Woman: “G-L-O-R-I-A!”
Men: “Gloria!”
[ the door is pushed closed, but they all push it back open and change their tune ]
Men: “It came upon a midnight..
Women: “Midnight at the oasis.”
Men: “Send your camels to bed.”
Women: “We don’t need no camels.”
Men: “No, no.”
All: “‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands! ‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!”
Women: “Silent night, holy night..”
Men: “Nights in white satin, never reaching the end Letters I’ve written.”
Connie Davenport: “Never meaning to send.”
All: “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Two turtle doves.. This is what it sounds like, when doves cry! Do-do-do-do! Do do-do-do-do! Do do-do-do-do!
Here we come a-wassailin’ among the leaves so green Here we come a.. sailing, take me away to where I’m going..”
Senor Franklin: “And so, I hope I’m offering this simple phrase..”
All: “..to kids from 1 to.. 99 Luftballons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont Jeder war ein grosser Krieger
Marty Culp: “Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk!”
All: “Merry Christmas.. to..” [ the door closes again ]
Connie Davenport: No, no, no.. wait, wait, wait.. [ pushes it open once more ] ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Margaret Jo McCullen …. Ana Gasteyer Teri Rialto … Molly Shannon Gertrude Mintz … Helen Hunt
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen …
Teri Rialto: … and I’m Teri Rialto …
Margaret Jo McCullen: … and you’re listening to …
Together: … The Delicious Dish on National Public Radio.
[they both are sipping eggnog and quite giddy]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Say, Teri, do you hear those sleigh bell jingling?
Teri Rialto: Yes … and ring-ting tingling, too. [giddy laughter]
Margaret Jo McCullen: That must mean it’s the holiday season again.
Teri Rialto: Yes.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And in honor of this special Yuletide edition of The Delicious Dish, our audio technician, Sylvia Spencer, prepared her special eggnog for us.
Teri Rialto: Yes. And it’s really noggy. [more giddy laughter] What a funny, funny, funny word “nooog”.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really used her egg-noggin’ when she made this.
Teri Rialto: That’s funny.
Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s funny. Fun, fun times with nog.
Teri Rialto: Fun times with eggnog.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s nog. It’s nog. It’s nog.
Teri Rialto: Good times. It’s neat.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.
Teri Rialto: I think I’m a little bit tipsy, Margaret Jo.
Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m totally wasted. It’s fun. It’s funny being drunk.
Teri Rialto: It’s fun being a little high. [more giddy laughter]
Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m a little bit blitzed. Good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times with nog.
[the down some more]
Teri Rialto: That is strong stuff.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really makes a mean nog.
Teri Rialto: Yeah. But her cornbread is always a little dry.
Margaret Jo McCullen: [becomes serious really fast] Whoa, Terry. That was way out of line. I can’t believe you just said that.
Teri Rialto: I’m sorry. It’s the nog talking. I’ll have to write Sylvia a note.
Margaret Jo McCullen: You sure will. Boy, you can be a really mean drunk.
Teri Rialto: I know. I’m a monster.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well … so, I guess … anyway. Before this turns into a brawl, let’s share Sylvia’s wonderful eggnog recipe with our listeners.
Teri Rialto: Okay. [reading from a card] Okay. Sylvia Spencer’s Holiday Nonalcoholic Eggnog … nonalcoholic.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Oh. I guess we’re not drunk.
Teri Rialto: I could have sworn that we were hammered.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. I was about to make really sloppy phone calls to old boyfriends.
Teri Rialto: This is embarrassing.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s embarrassing.
Teri Rialto: A little humiliating.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s kind of humiliating.
Teri Rialto: Yeah. I guess it’s okay to be embarrassed sometimes.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, I guess we were just high on Yuletide cheer. So, let’s go ahead and bring out our special holiday guest.
Teri Rialto: Yes. She’s a very talented and cutting edge confectionary. In fact, we like to call her the Rock and Roll Pastry Chef.
Margaret Jo McCullen: She runs Viva Las Baked Goods outside of Memphis.
Teri Rialto: And she’s here today to shake, rattle and roll out some delicious holiday treats. Please welcome …
Together: … Gertrude Mintz.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Gertrude
Teri Rialto: Welcome to the show.
Gertrude Mintz: [very slow and deadpan] Please call me, Trudy … it rhymes with booty … which I shake all night long … while making pastries.
Teri Rialto: Why don’t you have some nog, Trudy?
Gertrude Mintz: I can’t. I’m allergic to dairy.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.
Gertrude Mintz: Thanks.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Booty Trudy, Christmas sure is a great time of year, isn’t it, for baked goodies?
Gertrude Mintz: It sure is. A lot of exciting confections are appropriate for the Holiday season. But the Christmas confection that really says “rock and roll” to me is the gingerbread house. [she sets an ordinary Gingerbread house on the desk]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooo. Neat.
Teri Rialto: Wow.
Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s neat.
Teri Rialto: Wow. Rock and Roll.
Gertrude Mintz: This took me 10 months to complete. It’s an exact replica of Elvis Presley’s glorious Memphis estate, Graceland.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. That’s so interesting, Trudy. I didn’t realize that Graceland was just one big room.
Gertrude Mintz: Well, well, it’s not. I just ran out of time before Christmas. I wanted to make tiny gold records out of Neco Wafers. I also wanted the house to have real working plumbing but it was really hard.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Sure. Sure.
Teri Rialto: I see that you made a garage.
Gertrude Mintz: Yeah. It houses Elvis’ collection of vintage cars. I made the cars out of Matchbox cars.
Margaret Jo McCullen: So you really can’t eat the cars.
Gertrude Mintz: No. They’re made out of plastic and die cast metal.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s too bad they don’t make gummy cars. You could have used those.
Gertrude Mintz: That would have been neat.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Too bad. It would have.
Teri Rialto: So, you say, Gertrude, that this took you 10 months to do?
Gertrude Mintz: Yes, but keep in mind that a lot of that time was spent rocking and rolling. It’s hard to bake when you rock like I do.
Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. Teri and I tried to make a Gingerbread Mount Vernon last year.
Teri Rialto: Yeah. It got really ugly. We almost killed ourselves.
[a disturbingly long pause]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, anyway. We’re all out of time. Thanks for joining us and thanks for our guest, Gertrude Mintz.
Gertrude Mintz: Hope I didn’t get you “all shook up”.
Teri Rialto: No. Thank you for your concern but we are A-OK.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Anyway. Have a Merry Christmas and join us for our upcoming New Year’s party-planning episode next week when we discuss ….
[ Helen, Jack and the SNL Cast, along with various crew members, are huddled together. Everybodys in some winter outerwear. ]
Helen Hunt: Thank you to Jack Nicholson!!!
[ Everybody cheers. ]
Jack Nicholson: Thank you!
Helen Hunt: And thank you to Hanson!
[ Back to Home Base where Hanson is waving goodnight. ]
Helen Hunt: Thank you to all the ball players, this brilliant cast, to the writers and Lorne — Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy New Years! Merry Christmas!
Jack Nicholson: Feliz Navidad!
[ Helen, Jack, and everybody else wave goodnight. Shortly after, they all start ice skating. Helen & Jack skate together as the view alternates from RINK CAMERA to CRANE SHOT. At the former, four crew members cheer as the camera FOCUSES on them. Ana & Chris try to twirl together which ends in both of them falling. Helen & Jack come back into RINK CAMERA VIEW and display the thrill and wonder of skating. ]
Man in black…..Will Ferrell Woman in black…..Helen Hunt Record Executive…..Darrell Hammond …..Taylor Hanson …..Isaac Hanson …..Zac Hanson
[Opens with a shot of a building. Cut to a lobby in front of an elevator. Teen pop group Hanson are talking with a record executive. Isaac shakes hands with him.]
Isaac Hanson: Hey, nice meeting you, man.
Record Executive: Absolutely. You kids are fantastic! Give some thought to the double-album. We can make a mint, kids! “Mmmbop”! I love that tune![leaves]
Taylor Hanson: Yeah, thanks.
Zac Hanson: Yeah, take it easy.
[The trio get on the elevator, door closes and a man and woman dressed in black spring into action]
Both: NOW!!
[The man in black stops the elevator. Alarm rings. The woman in black pulls out a machine gun]
Woman in Black: Do not move!!! I swear to God!! Do not make me use this!!
Man in Black: Ok, we have stoppage and go verification.
Woman in Black: Are you the pop group known as Hanson?
Taylor Hanson: Look lady, we don’t want any—
Woman in Black: ANSWER ME!!![points machine gun]
[alarm stops]
Taylor Hanson: Yeah.
Woman in Black: Did you write the song “Mmmbop”?
Isaac Hanson: Yeah?
Taylor Hanson: Yeah, we did.
Woman in Black: Are you aware that during the spring and summer of 1997 your song “Mmmbop” was played over 7.8 million times worldwide?
Isaac Hanson: Yeah, it was a big hit for us….
Both in Black: SHUT UP!!!
[Man in black pulls out a radio]
Woman in Black: Now you will suffer like we did.
Isaac Taylor: Look, we’re just trying to make fun-catchy music…
Woman in Black: No, no, no! Don’t try to pull that “we’re just trying to make people happy crap”!!
Man in Black: Put on your earplugs. [Both in black put on earplugs] You will now listen to the song for as long as it takes for you to feel the pain that we felt this past summer.
Taylor Hanson: We play the song. It doesn’t bother us.
Taylor Hanson: I’m telling you, we like the song. This is ridiculous…
[Song continues and Isaac freaks out]
Isaac Hanson: AAAAAHH!!! STOP IT!!! ITS BANGING MY HEAD!!! OH GOD!!! [Taylor grabs his brother] Get your hands off me! You made me play the song and now I’m having nightmares!
[Song continues]
[Caption: 3 hours later]
[Isaac is catatonic]
Taylor Hanson: We’ve got to get him to a hospital.
Man in Black: We can’t hear you.
Isaac Hanson: Don’t worry, we’ll….
[Zac freaks out]
Zac Hanson: OOOOHH, GOD!!! IT HURTS!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT!!!
[“Mmmbop” continues]
[Caption: 10 hours later. Zac And Isaac are in a catatonic state]
Woman in Black: It’s not affecting the middle one.
[Taylor is cool]
Man in Black:[pulls out earplugs] What?
Woman in Black: He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.
[Song continues]
Man in Black: God! I don’t know how! Its horrifying!!
Taylor Hanson: Give it a chance. Its kind of have a cool groove.
Man in Black: Hey, it kind of does!
Woman in Black: Bobby, don’t let them get to you!
Man in Black: [dances to “Mmmbop”] Hey, hey, Mmmbop, yeah! Its just fun!
Woman in Black: Damn you! Your wicked melody has claimed him!
[Elevator door opens and the Hanson trio run out. The Man in black keeps singing “Mmmbop” and the woman looks at him with sadness while slowly pointing the machine gun at him.]
Woman in Black: That’s right, Bobby. “Mmmbop”. Just “Mmmbop”. That’s right. Just “Mmmbop”
[Elevator door closes.]
[BANG!]
[Elevator door opens, blood is sprayed on the wall, Bobby is shot in the head. The woman in black cradles his dead body and weeps. Record Executive gets inside elevator. “Mmmbop” continues playing.]
Leon: As you all noticed, it is the holiday season, and no one should spend the holidays alone, and that is why I’d like to introduce a lady who has meant so very much to me in my life. I met her last night at my regular fine buffet house. The place we like to call Tops & Tails. Uh, she is a dancer by trade, but she only takes off the top part of her clothes, so she is one of the classier naked ladies down there, you know? So, uh, welcome to The Ladies Man, Charlene. Now, is this your first time on TV?
Charlene: Well, no. I appeared on the show “Cops” before, but this is the first time I’ve been on TV where my face has not been digitally blurred. [ She drinks Leon’s Courvoisier throughout the show ]
Leon: [ chuckling ] Alright, then! Well, that is alright. Alright, now, you go ahead and, uh, help yourself to that, uh, Cognac, if you want. But remember, that Courvoisier does not grow on vines, okay? Alright. Okay, now let’s get started. We got a caller. Go ahead, caller.
Caller #1: Yes, uh, Ladies Man. I-I have a problem. I’m having a hard time finding the right lady. I-I’ve dated a few, but none of them are hot enough. I’ve got to have a HOT lady.
Leon: [ laughing ] Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah! Uh, might I suggest that you try lowering your standards, you know? Because, really, we all would like to date a supermodel, or a fine lady, like, uh, Delta Burke. You know? But, uh, that may not always be possible, and that is why God invented the skank.
Charlene: Hi!
Leon: Okay? So, next caller?
Caller #2: Hi. Ladies Man? I’m having trouble being confident with woman, because I think I might be a little.. physically.. you know, inadequate.
Leon: Inadequate, yeah.. Now, what is that?
Caller #2: Inferior. You know. I’m concerned about the size of my penis.
Leon: Oh-h-h, okay, yeah, now that’s alright, don’t worry. The Ladies Man is here to help you. Now, um, medically speaking, just how dinky is your wang?
Caller #2: That’s not very medical.. Uh, two-and-a-half to three inches.
Leon: Oh, yeah, that is small. Yeah, uh, you know, I was not expecting you to say anything under ten or eleven inches.
Charlene: It’s like a little kid’s weiner you got there!
Leon: [ laughing ] Uh, she is right, Sir. But, um, maybe, uh, this will help your plight, Sir. Uh, I have heard that the size does not matter to most women. Isn’t that right, Charlene?
Charlene: NO!
Leon: Well, I guess I was wrong, so I guess you can never really ever pleasure a woman, Caller. And I’m sorry for that, but, uh, here’s to you and your dinky wang, dinky wang man! [ Caller #2 hangs up abruptly ] Alright, then, thank you for calling, Caller. I’m glad that we could help. [ Charlene pulls a bottle of Nyquil out of her purse and pours it into her glass of Courvoisier. Leon examines the empty bottle. ] Uh, say, Charlene, did you drink all this Courvoisier?
Charlene: [ gasping ] No! Yes! Yes, I did.
Leon: Mmm. Okay, then.. well, I guess that means that we are out of time here on the Ladies Man. Which makes me kind of curious – um, Charlene, what are your plans for the evening?
Charlene: You said you were going to take me to dinner and a movie tonight, Leon.
Leon: Oh yeah.. well, um.. when I said “dinner”, what I meant was, uh, we’d be having sex. And, uh, when I said “movie”, I meant we’d be videotaping it.
Charlene: Sounds good to me!
Leon: Alright, then! Well, then, Leon Phellps is all set. I hope that this holiday season, uh, you are as fine and set up as me [ he rubs on Charlene ], Leon Phellps, the Ladies Man!
Helen Hunt: Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! This has been a really exciting week. Tonight, Im fulfilling a lifelong, personal dream: getting to work with Hanson! In fact – in fact – few people dont know this but Im actually the oldest Hanson!
[ CUT TO: A manipulated photo of Helen rehearsing with Hanson. ]
Helen Hunt (V/O): Can you see it? I bet you can.
[ Back to Home Base. ]
Helen Hunt: Im also excited because my new movie, As Good as it Gets with Jack Nicholson, opens next week. It was so amazing working with him –
[ Jim Breuer bursts onto Home Base. ]
Jim Breuer: Wait till they get a load of me!
[ He places his arm around Helen. ]
Jim Breuer: Heres Johnny!
Helen Hunt: Jim Breuer, everybody! Yes, thats good.
[ Jim removes his arm to compose himself. ]
Jim Breuer: You know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
Helen Hunt: Yes, yes, thats great! Its a really good Nicholson impersonation –
Jim Breuer: Wendy…
Helen Hunt: Never heard one of those ones before…
Jim Breuer: Give me the bat!
Helen Hunt: Yeah, okay, but the thing was, I was –
Jim Breuer: You didnt let me finish!
Helen Hunt: Jim, please, you obviously respect…
Jim Breuer: I said, Im not going to hurt you!
Helen Hunt: …Jack Nicholson and so do I, thats great, but…
Jim Breuer: WENDY!
Helen Hunt: …I dont know that nows a great time to be doing this.
Jim Breuer: Give me the bat, Wendy!
Helen Hunt: Okay! We get it, Jim. You can do Nicholson!
Jim Breuer: WENDY!
[ Darrell Hammond joins in. ]
Darrell Hammond: Wait till they get a load of me!
Helen Hunt: Thats great Darrell! Thats great!
Darrell Hammond: Hi, Helen!
Helen Hunt: Hi, yeah…
Darrell Hammond: Im just your typical, horny little devil!
Helen Hunt: Sounded more like Christian Slater, but…
Darrell Hammond: What?
Jim Breuer: I am not an animal! Im a human being for crying out loud!
Helen Hunt: What are you doing!?
Jim Breuer: Its Jack Nicholson from The Elephant Man.
Helen Hunt: Nicholson was not even in that movie!
Jim Breuer: Oh, yes he was!
Helen Hunt: Okay, lets not argue.
[ Colin Quinn joins in. ]
Colin Quinn: Helen, ask me what I had for lunch today.
Helen Hunt: No!
Colin Quinn: Come on, just ask me…
Helen Hunt: Fine. What did you have for lunch today?
[ Colin holds his hair as if it were slicked like Nicholson. ]
Colin & Helen: I had a chicken salad sandwich!
Helen Hunt: Yes. Somehow, I thought maybe youd be above this. Silly me.
[ Cheri Oteri joins in. ]
Cheri Oteri: Hi, Helen! You look nice.
[ Cheri holds her bangs back. ]
Cheri Oteri: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
Helen Hunt: Not you, too! How could this happen?
[ Tim Meadows joins in. ]
Tim Meadows: Hey, Helen! Check this out…
[ Tim places his hand on his forehead. ]
Tim Meadows: Heres Johnny!
Helen Hunt: Yeah, yeah, thats great! Because thats really gonna fool him!
Cast: [repeatedly] Heres Johnny!
Helen Hunt: Okay, the thing is…
[ The spotlight shines on the host entrance as Nicholson himself emerges. The audience goes into hysterics upon seeing the Oscar-winning actor. ]
Jack Nicholson: Why dont, why –
[ The audience continues to cheer and applause Jack. ]
Jack Nicholson: Thank you. Why dont you leave this nice lady alone?
Helen Hunt: You know, Jack? Thank God! Theyve been assaulting me with horrible Nicholson impressions.
[ Jim brushes Helen aside. ]
Jim Breuer: Excuse me? Mr. Nicholson, how you doing?
[ Jim wags his tongue out of both cockiness and nervousness. ]
Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer here. Just wanted to know – what do you think of my impression?
[ Jack removes his trademark shades. ]
Jack Nicholson: You want to know the truth? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!
[ Jims jaw drops. He places his hands in his pockets and shies away from Nicholson. ]
Helen Hunt: We got a great show! Hanson is here! So stick around! Well be right back!
Melissa Rivers…..Cheri Oteri Isaac Mizrahi…..Darrell Hammond Jodie Foster…..Helen Hunt
It’s Joan Rivers’ 1997 Fashion Wrap-Up, with a skeletal Joan Riversand special guests Melissa Rivers, Isaac Mizrahi and Jodie Foster:
Melissa Rivers: 1997 is drawing to a close. Speaking of clothes, Mom, we’re going to take a look at what famous people wore this year, and whether we thought it was the good, the bad..
Joan Rivers: ..or the Cybil Shepherd! Ow! What a pig! Who’s first?
Melissa Rivers: Mom, first we have Kirstie Alley.
[ graphic of Kirstie Alley in a purple dress ]
Joan Rivers: Disgusting! She’s disgusting! Isaac?
Isaac Mizrahi: Oh, my God! It looks like Mae West meets Grimace. Take it away, take it away!
Joan Rivers: Jodie?
Jodie Foster: I don’t feel that I am in a position to judge someone else.
Joan Rivers: Everyone is in a position to judge someone else! Next!
Melissa Rivers: Okay, Mom, next up is “Melrose Place” star Lisa Rinna.. [ graphic of Lisa Rinna ] ..shown here in a half-slip gown.
Joan Rivers: Whore! She should be shot in the face!
Jodie Foster: [ appalled ] What kind of statement is that? It’s just a dress.
Joan Rivers: Isaac?
Isaac Mizrahi: She should be shot in the face, yes! Joan Rivers: Next!
Melissa Rivers: Okay, Mom. Next, we have Janene Garofalo.. [ graphic of Janene Garofalo ] ..shown here in a pair of ski boots and a Hefty bag.
Joan Rivers: Agghh! Ow! Look at those shoes! I’d like to set her on fire and burn her until she was dead!
Jodie Foster: I don’t understand your reaction. I find her to be articulate and very well-informed.
Melissa Rivers: [ angry ] I want to be in a movie.
Joan Rivers: Melissa wanted to be in “The Truth About Cats & Dogs”. I got her an audition, but she didn’t get the movie.
Melissa Rivers: [ angry ] I wanted to be in “The Truth About Cats & Dogs”, Mom!
Jodie Foster: Well, that’s no reason to hate Janene Garofalo.
Isaac Mizrahi: She should be shot in the face.
Joan Rivers: [ frantic ] I ruined my life. Why did I piss off Johnny Carson? Why? Whyyyyyyyy?!!
Melissa Rivers: Well, that’s our year-end wrap-up, Mom. Thank you to all our guests. We’ll be back in January with out new show: “Who’s the Fattest Pig?”
Joan Rivers: This is Joan Rivers saying, “You can never be too fat – or too thin!” [ her skull pops off ]
[ Melissa retrieves Joan’s skull and tries to replace it as the scene fades to black ]
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell Woman…..Cheri Oteri Dr. Udewitz…..Helen Hunt Udewitz’s Husband…..Jack Nicholson
EXT. TIMES SQUARE — NIGHT
SUPER: Midnight – TIMES SQUARE
EXT. BUTABI CAR — NIGHT
(Steve Butabi’s driving while he and Doug are bopping their heads to “Whatis Love?” by Haddaway. They high-five one another.)
Doug & Steve: SCORE!
EXT. CHINA CLUB — NIGHT
SUPER: China Club – 12:15 A.M.
INT. CHINA CLUB
(Clubgoers dance to “What is Love?” They filter out to reveal Doug andSteve standing at the bar. They turn around, both smoking cigarettes. Bothdust their noses and at once, put the lighted ends of their cigarettesagainst each other’s chest. Both extinguish their cigarettes fast andglance at the crowd.)
Doug: Hey! You want to dance? You want to…
(Doug trots to the crowd.)
Doug: You don’t? You’re okay? Okay. Don’t worry about it.
(Doug turns back to the bar. Steve points to the crowd.)
Steve: You want to dance!? You do? You don’t? No? Don’t mention it again?Okay!
(A WOMAN strolls by Doug and Steve, who trap her between them.)
Doug: Hey!
Steve: How you doing? What’s going on?
(Doug and Steve bounce her between their chests. She struggles, then breaksfree.)
Woman: Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!
(“What is Love” dies off. The clubgoers halt.)
Woman: Every week I come to this club. And every week, the two of youthrow me back and forth like a rag doll! And I’m sick of it!! I am a humanbeing! You could at least have the courtesy to ask me if I want to dance!?Am I right people!?
Clubgoers: Yeah!!!
Woman: Thank you people. Now I don’t know what your problem is, but maybeyou to should seek some professional help. Start the music!
(“What is Love?” resumes. The woman dances off and the clubgoers filterback onto the dance floor.)
EXT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING — DAY
SUPER: The Next Day
INT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING — DAY
Door reads: DR. NANCY UDEWITZ, PSYCHOLOGIST
INT. DR. UDEWITZ’S OFFICE — DAY
(A boombox plays “What is Love?” DR. NANCY UDEWITZ analyzes Doug and Steve,who are bopping their heads. Udewitz stops “What is Love?” and Doug andSteve stop headbopping. She then hits the play button and Doug and Stevebegin bopping their heads. Dr. Udewitz’s stops the music and Doug andSteve freeze.)
Udewitz: Okay. I think I’ve figured out your problem. Due to yourexcessive clubbing, and the resulted sensory overload, and intimacydepravation, you’ve both become desensitized to the people around you,escpecially women. Now the good news is: it’s easily treatable and I’d behappy help you out. What do you say?
Steve: You want to dance?
Doug: What’s up?
Steve: Maybe later?
Doug: What’s up?
Udewitz: Right. Why don’t you turn to face each other now? You two need tostart a dialogue. Open up. Come on! Talk to each other… talk to eachother.
Doug: What’s up?
Steve: What’s up?
Doug: What going on?
Steve: What’s shaking?
Doug: Que pasa?
Steve: Como esta?
Udewitz: All right, that’s enough. I think we’re making progress.
Doug & Steve: SCORE!
(Doug and Steve high-five each other. Udewitz takes notes.)
INT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING — DAY
Door reads: DR. NANCY UDEWITZ, PSYCHOLOGIST
SUPER: One Hour Later
INT. DR. UDEWITZ’S OFFICE — DAY
(“What is Love?” playing. Doug and Steve bounce Udewitz between theirchests while dancing.)
Udewitz: Okay, okay, okay!! You need to be more sensitive to a woman morepersonal space.
(Udewitz pushes Doug and Steve away.)
Udewitz: Better. Now focus. Respect me. You have to let the woman dancewith you. Just watch.
(Udewitz slinks her body in rythem to the music. Doug and Steve wrestlewith their limbs and pounce upon Dr. Udewitz with bouncing her betweentheir chests. She breaks loose and stops “What is Love” on her boombox.)
Udewitz: Look, if you want to pick-up women in clubs, then I’ve got newsfor you: woman have no interest in this whole’ultra-cool-hey-baby-slick-back-hair-expensive-suit-wearing-dark-sunglasses-image’!
(DR. UDEWITZ’S HUSBAND enters the office.)
Husband: Hey babe! Ready to go!
Udewitz: I’m sorry sweetie. I’m still with patients.
(Mr. and Mrs. Udewitz survey Doug and Steve.)
Husband: Oh, I don’t think these boys will mind if they spared you forjust a second?
(Mr. and Mrs. Udewitz embrace and lock lips. Mr. Udewitz pulls back. “Whatis Love?” comes on. Mr. Udewitz bops his head, twirls his body and arms inthe air, skips out of the office and shuts the door. Mrs. Udewitz rubs herforehead and exhales.)
Udewitz: Thanks a lot. Now we’ve made a lot of progress today. Now do youthink you two are ready to try clubbing responsibly?
Steve: I think we’ve got it.
Doug: Yeah, we’re good.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE — NIGHT
SUPER: Times Square Later That Night
EXT. CHINA CLUB — NIGHT
INT. CHINA CLUB — NIGHT
(“What is Love?” plays. Dancing clubgoers filter out to reveal Doug andSteve, who turn around, wearing sunglasses, and downing a couple of beers.The woman returns and Doug stops here. Both men take off their sunglasses.)
Woman: Oh, no!
Doug: Excuse me, we were wondering if you’d be interested in dancing with us?
Steve: Yes. We’d appreciate it. If it wouldn’t be too much trouble?
Woman: Why, of course. Thank you both very much for asking.
Doug: You’re welcome.
Steve: The pleasure is ours.
(Doug and Steve nod to one another and begin bouncing the woman betweentheir chests.)
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou, I’m Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news. Ourtop story tonight:
This week, following revelations that he lied abouthis military service, the body of former diplomat andDemocratic contributor Larry Lawrence was removed fromArlington Cemetery. Commenting on the affair, an angryPresident Clinton called it, quote, “The mostoutrageous deception regarding one’s military servicesince me!” …
At a press conference this week, FAA officialsstudying last year’s crash of TWA flight 800,announced that they have pinpointed the cause: afrayed wire leading from the jet’s fuel tank.According to the investigators, the wire became frayedwhen it was struck by a missile. … That’ll – that’llfray a wire.
Golden State Warriors star Latrell Sprewell, suspendedlast week for attacking and choking his coach, hashired attorney Johnnie Cochran to represent him. At apress conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client didnot choke his coach, and even offered a reward to helpfind the real chokers. … [cheers andapplause]
President Clinton met this week with Chinese dissidentWei Jingsheng, a leading advocate of democracy inChina, who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearlyeighteen years. However, the meeting had to beabruptly cut short when the president learned that Mr.Jingsheng is broke. … [some applause]
At a congressional hearing this week, Republicansblasted Attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal toinvestigate White House fundraising. Responding tocriticisms, Reno said, “Wow! Some congressmen mustreally want their homes firebombed and run over bytanks, huh?” …
Well, our best wishes to North Carolina Senator JesseHelms, who at 76 years old, recently underwent surgeryto repair an old knee injury. Doctors say the senatorwill no longer need his cane for walking but Helmssays he will continue to use it to scare off youngwhippersnappers. … Nothin’ better than a cane toscare off young whippersnappers.
This week, computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, theinternet’s most popular website, and vowed to unleasha crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is notreleased from prison. Experts warn that catching thesecyberterrorists will not be an easy task, and mayrequire the cooperation of both nerds AND geeks. …[some applause]
Well, President Clinton received an early Christmaspresent this week — an adorable Labrador puppy. Andpresidential historians say that it will be good forhis image. According to these scholars, in comparisonto a male dog, the president’s sex life will seemrelatively normal. …
Norm MacDonald: Well, the recent bailout ofSouth Korea by the International Monetary Fund ishaving ramifications that will be felt globally. Herewith a comment is our own Colin Quinn. Hey, Col.[Cheers and applause as we pan over to a drunken ColinQuinn who has loosened his collar and necktie andcarries a plastic cup of eggnog.]
Colin Quinn: Thanks, Norm. You know, Norm, theInternational Monetary Fund is abrout to bring –about to bring its own type — [glares at Norm whowatches him sadly] What?!
Norm MacDonald: [quietly] You had a little eggnog there, huh, Col?
Colin Quinn: [annoyed] Yes, I had a little eggnog. [tries to continue] The International MonetaryFund — [abruptly, to Norm] I’m sorry I don’t live upto your standards of supposed excellence in how toact. … My — I can’t — Ya sit here like its asophisticated part of the show or something. You know?[drops cup, spills egg nog on desk]
Norm MacDonald: Ah, you seemed to have a littlespill there, huh, Col?
Colin Quinn: [while trying to put eggnog backin cup with tiny red cocktail napkin] Sorry yourprecious little Update desk, from whence the oraclewill enlighten us, while all of us — you sit up onyour desk like the anti-hero or some contentiousCanadian — Leonard Cohen as Weekend anchor orsomething.
Norm MacDonald: Leonard Cohen? I don’t evenknow who that is.
Colin Quinn: [sighs] Don’t be ridiculous, Norm.You’re a ridiculous person. [stares at Norm, one elbowon desk clutching nearly empty cup of eggnog]…
Norm MacDonald: Look, Colin, you’d better watchout. You know, if Lorne sees this, you’re in bigtrouble.
Colin Quinn: [laughs] Yeah, we don’t want toupset the boss at the office Christmas party. He mightnot give us our little movie deals like the Roxburytwins or whatever the hell they’re supposed to becalled.
Norm MacDonald: Okay! All right! That’s enough!Get him out of here, guys. Come on.
[Uniformed security guard enters wielding anightstick, grabs Colin’s hair and forces him facedown in the desk.]
Colin Quinn: [struggles, face down in eggnog]Get off me! Get him off me, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: No, well, are–?
Colin Quinn: Get him off me!
Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?
Colin Quinn: Get off me!
Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?!
Colin Quinn: Get him off me and I’ll tellyou!
Norm MacDonald: Well, you just say you’re goingto stop first.
Colin Quinn: All right, Norm, I’ll stop.
Norm MacDonald: [to the guard] All right, lethim go.
Colin Quinn: Get him off!
[Guard pulls Colin to his feet and releases him. Colinstands there with eggnog running down his face as theguard exits.]
Colin Quinn: [points an accusing a finger atNorm] You’re messed up, Norm! You’re bush league,Norm! You’re lightweight! [Colin exits.]
Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody. [Cheersand applause.]
Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurantrefused to seat him, O. J. Simpson demanded and gotfive hundred dollars in compensation. In addition, therestaurant must now offer separate “murderer” and”non-murderer” sections. … [cheers and applause]
[Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are saferdrivers? Men or women? Well, according to a newsurvey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are mostresponsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78 percentblame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that thepercentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100percent because the math was done by a woman. …[crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing atthat joke, it should be, uh, noted that that joke waswritten by a woman, so– … Now, you don’t know whatthe hell to do, do ya? … No, I’m just kidding, wedon’t hire women. Tel– … [applause]
Tel Aviv’s Hard Rock Cafe, which is sandwiched betweenthe sites of two gruesome suicide bombings, has closeddue to slumping tourism in Israel. Also contributingto the closing of the Hard Rock: the restaurant’s bestpiece of rock memorabilia is — [doctored photo offormer Secretary of State Henry Kissinger pointing toa mounted ukulele] — Henry Kissinger’s ukulele. So…
Well, a sad story from the world of entertainment thisweek. Actor Bob Bell, better known to millions as Bozothe Clown, has died at the age of seventy-five.Commenting on his passing, President Clinton said,quote, “You know, for fifty thousand dollars, he canbe buried next to JFK.” …
Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors thatactor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Franciscosocialite Denise Hale. An observer, who spotted thecouple necking in a restaurant, will have troublegetting an erection for the rest of his life. …
That’s the news folks, thanks!
[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie for thelast time: not long after, he is abruptly removed fromthe WU desk by NBC executives who apparently believed,based on ratings, that “Weekend Update with NormMacDonald” had become too sophisticated for SNL’s coreaudience and reassigned not only Norm butHarvard-educated segment producer Jim Downey. Music,cheers and well-deserved applause as we dissolve tothe WU graphic.]
