Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 10th, 1998 Samuel L. Jackson Ben Folds Five None None A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) uses the country’s budget surplus to make a gratuitous sex film. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.
Montage
Samuel L. Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Samuel L. Jackson reads off some of his New Year’s resolutions. Transcript
Lemon GlowSummary: The illuminating floor cleaner provides a renewed life for a suburban housewife (Molly Shannon) who used to live the wild life. Note: Repeat from: 97c.
Publisher’s ClearinghouseSummary: Ghetto dad James Stapleton (Samuel L. Jackson) is the unexpected Publisher’s Clearinghouse prize winner.
Quentin Tarantino: A ProfileRecurring Characters: Quentin Tarantino, Walter Cronkite, Burt Reynolds.
Jazzterpieces
Judge JudySummary: Sassy Judge Judy (Cheri Oteri) rules in favor of a phony fitness instructor (Samuel L. Jackson) who has swindled a housewife (Ana Gasteyer). Recurring Characters: Judge Judy, Byrd. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: George Clooney foils the papparazzi in Rob Smigel’s parody of “Speed Racer”.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Harry Caray. Transcript
Ben Folds Five performs “Brick”
TitanicSummary: Fifth Class black passengers (Samuel L. Jackson, Tracy Morgan) are denied their chance to evacuate after the Titanic hits an iceberg.
The Learning AnnexRecurring Characters: Helen Madden.
Poolside Lovin’Summary: Dallas (Samuel L. Jackson) is ready to get down with the ladies, but all (Chris Kattan) can think about is his recently-deceased dad. Transcript
The Weston CollectionSummary: A male model (Will Ferrell) garners respect when he wears the “I’m #1” hat from the Weston Collection. Note: Repeat from: 97f.
Judge Judy…..Cheri Oteri Byrd the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan Ordell Roby…..Samuel L. Jackson Brenda Shank…..Ana Gasteyer
Byrd the Bailiff: Your Honor, this is Case #140: Roby vs. Shank. The parties have been sworn in.
Judge Judy: how was your weekend, Byrd?
Byrd the Bailiff: It was good. I seen “Amistad”.
Judge Judy: See “Mouse Hunt”, it’ll change your life.
Ordell Roby: [ piping in ] I saw “Mouse Hunt”, your Honor, it changed MY life, too..
Judge Judy: [ peeved ] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Sir! Is your name “Byrd”, Sir?
Ordell Roby: No, your Honor..
Judge Judy: Then shut your stinking trap, Sir! ‘Cause I’m Judge Judy, and I’m tough!
Byrd the Bailiff: [ mimicking ] She’s tough!
Judge Judy: But I’m fair.
Byrd the Bailiff: She’s talkin’ ’bout fair!
Judge Judy: Now, Mr. Roby, Sir, what is it exactly that you do for a living? What is your occupation?
Ordell Roby: Well, my primary occupation concerns the wholesalin’ of bullet proportion devices. But recently, I started moonlightin’ as a physical fitness trainer – or, in layman’s terms, your Honor, a Personal Trainer.
Judge Judy: Yeah, thanks for the clarification, Jack LaLanne.. Okay, now what seems to be the problem here?
Ordell Roby: Well, your Honor, my client has done refused to render payment for services rendered that I rendered to her in the week of December.
Brenda Shank: Your Honor, I hired Ordell to help me get back into shape, and he failed!
Judge Judy: Buh-buh-buh! I’ll tell you when it’s your turn to talk, you fat sack of fat! Continue, Ordell.
Ordell Roby: Your Honor, Miss Shank done succumbed to the pressure to become what the media dictates as the Ideal Woman – e.1., such as your supermodels and what not. You seem there’s only so much I can do with a white woman’s ass!
[ Byrd laughs ]
Judge Judy: You think that’s funny, Byrd?
Byrd the Bailiff: Uh.. no, Judge.
Judge Judy: There you go. Continue, Miss Shank.
Brenda Shank: Your Honor, he had me doing leg lifts while balancing an ashtray on my butt!
Ordell Roby: [ excited ] That exercise works the lower lumbar area, your Honor! And the ashtray merely provides resistance. It also allows me to enjoy me a filterless Camel, you know, while the interim’s going on.
Judge Judy: I’ll tell you what resistance is, Sir! Resistance is what’s keeping me from jumping over this bench and ripping that rat’s tail off of your chin! [ to Miss Shank ] Go on, Chunky Nut.
Brenda Shank: I also feel it is very inappropriate for a trainer to bring friends over during a workout!
Ordell Roby: [ alarmed ] Uh, they was professional spotters, Ma’am!
Brenda Shank: All they did was drink, run up my phone bill, and break my tea set!
Ordell Roby: Your Honor, that is a falsity!
Judge Judy: A what?
Ordell Roby: A falsity, Judge!
Judge Judy: Uh.. I see. You mean, as in.. untruthitude?
Ordell Roby: That’s it!
Judge Judy: Okay. Now I understandify. [ pause ] Byrd, I made a joke.
Byrd the Bailiff: [ laughs ] Judge made a joke!
[ Ordell Roby laughs with Byrd ]
Judge Judy: Thanks for the bone, fellas. So, Miss Shank, you felt you were in jeopardy, correct?
Brenda Shank: Yes. And I drew the line when my cardio workout meant dragging bags of money through airport security at 11:30 at night..
Ordell Roby: Uh, that’s really good for the gloots, your Honor!
Judge Judy: Ordell! Ordell, don’t pee on my shoe and tell me it’s raining, Sir!
Ordell Roby: I’m not peeing! I’m not..!
Judge Judy: Hey, buh-buh-buh! One minute, Ponytail! It sounds to me like you’ve got other activities going on besides personal training. Is that correct, Sir?
Ordell Roby: No, that’s an untruthitude, your Honor..
Judge Judy: No! Is that correct, Mr. Roby?
Ordell Roby: I wouldn’t say that..
Judge Judy: Answer the question, Mr. Roby!
Ordell Roby: Aw, come on, let me say my piece, you fine, fine, pretty lady, you!
Judge Judy: [ flattered ] Okay.
Ordell Roby: Thank you. Now, I do the best I can with my female clientele. Everybody wants to look sexy like Jackee! But what they don’t understand is there ain’t no amount of exercise gonna turn Shirley Hemphill into Toni Braxton. I mean, not every woman can keep a tight, fine body like yours, your Honor..
Judge Judy: Don’t you try to get on my good side, Sir! I’ve heard enough, I’m ready to rule!
ert the Bailiff: She’s ready to rule!
Judge Judy: Now.. I’ve had a lot of shysters come through my courtroom. But, Miss Shank, you take the cake. And it seems you also eat it.
Brenda Shank: [ appalled ] Your Honor!
Judge Judy: One minute, Cowpie! This man has done nothing but his personal best to find creative ways to get you in shape! And you have done nothing but put up walls to impede your progress! This court rules in favor of the Plaintiff, in the amount of $460 for the services rendered in the week of December. In layman’s terms – Ordell, you are the bomb, Sir.
Ordell Roby: [ exhilirated ] Judy, Judy, Judy!
Judge Judy: This court is dismissed! [ bangs gavel ]
Gang Member #1…..Tracy Morgan Gang Member #2…..Tim Meadows Gangleader…..Samuel L. Jackson Mango…..Chris Kattan Punk…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on interior, Beefcakes, where two Gang Members sit at a table with their Gangleader ]
Gang Member #1: Hey, boss, it’s really nice of you to take us out tonight.
Gangleader: Well, you boys did such fine work turning over them stolen cars, I thought, why not celebrate by coming out here to this strip club.
Gang Member #2: It’s all good!
Announcer: And now! Put your hands together for the mystery known as Mango!
[ Mango steps out from behind the curtain on stage, and begins his seductive dance ]
Gang Member #1: It’s a dude!
Gang Member #2: Hey, I told you Beefcakes was the wrong place!
Gangleader: Hey, let’s get the hell out of here!
Announcer: Give it up for Mango!
[ as the Gang Members jump outo f their seats, Mango stands before theGangleader and teases him with his dance, as Everybody But The Girl’s “Missing” begins to play ] Gangleader: Mango. Mango!
Gang Member #2: [ grabbing him ] Come on, man, let’s go!
[ dissolve to a scene in a back alley, where the Gangleader and his boys are beating on a Punk ]
Gangleader: Now, you tell your boss if he ever tries to rip me off again, I’ll give him what I’m about to give you. You got that? Huh? Huh?
[ Gangleader starts to repeatedly punch the Punk, until Mango appears as a vision in his mind, and dances seductively – the Gangleader ceases punching the Punk ]
Punk: What did you quit hitting me for?
Gangleader: [ snapping out of his daydream ] Who said I quit hitting you? Shut up! Shut up!
[ dissolve interior, Gangleader’s living room, where he’s paying off his demanding Gang Members ]
Gangleader: Slow down! Slow down! You’re all going to get your money. [ begins handing out money ] Now, T.J. here’s your share from the stripped Cady’s I did. Jessie, $800 for the work..
[ Suddenly, the vision of Mango appears again in the Gangleader’s mind,causing him to look away from handing out the money ]
Gang Member #3: Hey, man. You alright?
Gang Member #4: Man, what’s going on, man?
Gangleader: [ snapping out of his daydream ] I gotta go!
[ Gangleader throws the rest of the money in the air and rushes out of the door, as the Gang Members fight over the money flying around the air ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mango’s dressing room, as he tries to squeeze into the room and escape his Fans’ grips ]
Fans: Mango! Mango!
Mango: Go away! Mango wants to be alone! [ closes the door on all his fans ] Oh, why must I be Mango? Why can’t I be someone else. Someone normal. Like say.. John Ritter? But, no. I have to be Mango.
[ the Gangleader stands outside Mango’s dressing room, calling for him ] Gangleader: Mango!
Mango: No! Go away! No more Mango for you!
Gangleader: Mango! [ turns to the Fans ] Back off! [ he fights his way through the Fans and enters Mango’s dressing room, slamming the door behind him ] Mango: What is it? Who are you?
Gangleader: My name is Lucius Monroe. But they call me Hard Core. I deal in stolen cars and drugs. But, now you are the only drug I’m addicted to. [ holds out a gift for Mango ]
Mango: [ knocks the gift to the floor ] If you start out using Mango, it will only lead to more Mango. And then, pretty soon, you’ll need more and more and more and more of the Mango, until there is no more Mango left. Not even for Mango!
Gangleader: [ pulls out a gun and points it at Mango ] If I can’t have you, I’m prepared to take you!
Mango: Can you take the color blue out of the sky? Can you grab the mountains and put them in a pocket? Can you sit down at a table with a knife and fork and try to eat a rainbow? No! And such is Mango! Gangleader: [ misty-eyed ] I see now. I was stupid to think I could have you.
Mango: Yes, that’s right. [ reaches for the Gangleader ]
Gangleader: Mango! Please!
Mango: No! Get out! I hate you!
[ Gangleader turns away, as Mango reaches again ]
Gangleader: But, it’s just..
Mango: No! You can’t have-a the Mango!
[ Mango spanks himself and reaches for the Gangleader, who stops one last time ]
Gangleader: Goodbye, Mango! [ steps out of the dressing room and yells at the Fans ] Back off! Back off!
Mango: Goodbye, Lucius Monroe.
[ Mango’s Fans rush in and surround him as he struggles to be left alone ]
Mango’s fans then rush in and smother him with affection.[ cut to the Gangleader sitting in his satin-sheeted bed fondling Mango’s glove and weeping ]
Samuel L. Jackson: It is great to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”! In case you confused, no, I am not Laurence Fishburne, and I’m Morgan Freeman. I am Samuel L. Jackson, and I’m here to host the very first “SNL” of 1998! And since this is the very first show of the year, I thought instead of doing the usual monologue, I would just read you a list of my New Year’s resolutions! [ takes out card ] Now, I know you might find it shocking that someone as cool and together as myself has New Year’s rsolutions.. but.. believe it or not, there are things that even Samuel L. Jackson can improve upon. Forthwith – if I could have a little music, please..
At the top of my list: “Continue to kick ass”
And then I hope to “Be as bad as I know I can be”
Also, to “Really put it out there, and by it I mean Sammy’s mojo”
In addition, I plan to “Give it as good as I get it”
“Be all that and more”
and “Lose my shyness, vis a vis the rocket in my pocket”
Plus, I plan to “Work my voodoo on the lady fans”
“Take a thorn out of some cat’s paw.”
and “Build a shrine to my own bad ass”
Then, it’s time to “Give the demons what for”
“Spare the rod and spoil the face”
and “Continue to kick ass”
After which, I’ll “Show the bad men what it’s all about”
“Release a dove from a ghetto rooftop”
and “Cradle a newborn baby in the ruins of a church”
Finally, this year, I will “Stick it to all the suckas”
and I’m gonna “Show the man that I mean business”
..and I’m gonna “Take a computer class.”
We have a great show for you tonight! Ben Folds Five is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn’t there? You ask, “Where’s Jeff?” “Jeff no longer works here, I’m Steve.” And you’re thinking, “Hey, who’s this idiot? I like Jeff.” But you still want your drink? And even though Steve doesn’t mix your drink the same way you’re used to, like Jeff, you still like the same bar, you don’t want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn’t….Well…I’m Steve. What can I get you? [cheers and applause]…Thank ah!…All right….Thank you.
On Thursday, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski tried to hang himself with his underpants, but the elastic broke. Kaczynski immediately sent a letter bomb to inspector number 12.
Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn were married in Venice on December 23rd. The couple wrote their own vows. Woody told Soon-Yi, “The heart wants what it wants,” while Soon-Yi promised, “Me love you long time.” [some applause]…There’s my Woody Allen movie. Uh…I needed two minutes, most of Woody Allen mov–
Bob Dylan and his son Jakob Dylan are both nominated for Grammys this year. Can you imagine growing up being Jakob Dylan? You’re out in the garage practicing with your band, your friends, you know? Your father comes out, “Hey, turn that noise down!” You’re like, “Dad, come on, you just don’t understand my music.” He’s like, “No, I do understand your music. I’m Bob Dylan. You stink. I said turn it down.”
In the February issue of Esquire magazine, O.J. Simpson said that, “If I had killed Nicole, it would have been because I loved her very much.”…And then he said, “And if I had killed Ron Goldman, it would have been because he accidentally witnessed me loving Nicole very much.”…Somebody should buy this guy a John Gray book, all right?
Kathie Lee Gifford defended the late Michael Kennedy this week, saying that the babysitter he slept with was actually 16, not 14. But you have to look at this from Kathie Lee’s perspective. She runs a sweatshop full of underaged labor, all right? At 16, you get your gold watch. To her, that’s old….You know? [applause and a few cheers] All right! Thank you. Thank alle!
Two Russian cosmonauts ventured into space for more than three hours to repair a broken lock on the Mir space station. Is that what it’s come to, folks? You need to lock your doors in outer space? All right?
Last week, President Clinton proposed sweeping changes to Medicare. He wants to lower the age of eligibility to 55 for people who have lost their jobs. The President, who will be 55 when his term ends, said, “It just seemed like the smart thing to do.”
Chicago scientist Richard Seed is ready to start cloning. The physicist plans to clone a human baby by the year 2000. Now, a lot of groups who want to ban cloning research altogether. Why? We’re almost clones now. These scientists are just finishing up what the Gap started. Trust me, we don’t want cloning. We don’t really – want to really know who we are. And more importantly, we don’t want to know what we really look like. We can’t handle it. If you saw your clone…walking down the street in a pair of white shorts from behind, you’d kill yourself….You know? You’d be like, “Who’s that fat pig?” “That’s your clone.” “Ohhh, that’s me?” You know? Hey, cloning is fine if you’re Einstein. But if you spend every Saturday night sitting on your front porch in a children’s wading pool reading a…biography of Lenny Dykstra while the neighborhood kids shoot paintballs at you…now, we don’t need another you. One of you is plenty, all right?
As we all know, Jerry Seinfeld is leaving his top-rated show, citing his desire to return to New York and do stand-up. In a related story, Tony Danza announced that he would be leaving his show, citing the fact that it was cancelled and all the furniture was taken out of his office. [some applause]
And now with a look back at 1997 is our good friend, Hall-of-Fame broadcaster Harry Caray.
[pan over to Harry]
Harry Caray: Hey everybody, Harry Caray here! Well, as you know, 1997 was quite a year! A lot of things happened: some good, some bad. Mother Teresa died. That wasn’t good. Unless you hated Mother Teresa. I, myself, was not a fan of hers, don’t ask why! We were like oil and water; we didn’t mix. In the world of sports, Mike Tyson bit a man’s ear off. I don’t know what all the hoopla was about. I’ve actually bit a man’s ear off on several occasions! And I’m not proud of it, but it helped me out of many a jam! In Scotland, they cloned a sheep, which a lot of people thought was fun….Hey, what if…hey!…Hey! If I was a scientist, you know what I would clone? Hot dogs!
Colin: [not surprised] Really?
Harry: Think of all the possibilities, Norm! [Colin starts laughing to himself] Imagine, a world with…[doesn’t realize that Colin is now the anchor] Hey, what’s going on? [some applause]…Imagine…hold on! Imagine a world, uh…of – with an endless supply of hot dogs! You could have a hot dog anytime you wanted!
Colin: Well, Harry, you can do that pretty much now.
Harry: They’d be so abundant, they’d become our currency! 20 hot dogs would equal roughly a nickel. Depending on the strength of the yen, I’m not quite sure, but…you know what, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s just keep praying that we can clone one of these hot dogs.
Colin: [sighs] All right, Harry. What else happened in ’97?
Harry: Hey, Norm! Did you gain weight?
Colin: Actually, Harry, I’m Colin.
Harry: Hey! If you were a hot dog…and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin: What?
Harry: I know I would! First, I’d smother myself with brown mustard and relish. I’d be so delicious!…So would you?
Colin: I don’t know.
Harry: Don’t jerk me around, Norm! It’s a simple question! A baby could answer it! If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself? [some applause and cheers]
Colin: [complying] I guess so.
Harry: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend! If you had said no, I would have bitten your ear off! I would have come at you like a tornado made of arms and teeth. And – and fingernails.
Colin: So anything else happen in 1997?
Harry: No, I covered everything!
Colin: Harry Caray, everybody!
Harry: Cubs win! Cubs win!
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, and that’s the story I’m going with. Thank you!
Gene…..Colin Quinn Dad…..Nathan Lane Guard…..Jim Breuer
[ open on Gene the ex-con playing Santa Claus in the mall, with a Kid sitting on his lap ]
Kid: I want a football. But most of all, I want a new bike.
Gene: A new bike? Whoa! Hey, your son has really expensive taste!
Dad: [ chuckles ] Yeah! Well..
Gene: Probably just like his old man, right?
Dad: [ chuckles a little more ] Right, right!
Gene: Only, instead of a bike, you’d probably want, like, a new car or something!
Dad: [ feigns laughter ] Exactly..!
Gene: Pretty son, adults will be sitting here on my lap: “What would you like, sir?” “How ’bout that new Buick Skylark?”
Dad: [ now starting to become aggravated ] Yeah, that would be funny.. Listen.. maybe you could pay a little more attention to the kids, I mean.. it’s the kids’ day, right?
Gene: Oh. Okay. I was just..
Dad: I mean.. the kids.. that’s what you’re here for..
Gene: Okay.
Dad: Thanks.
Gene: Now, Timmy, what kind of bike would you..? [ stops, chuckles uncomfortably and turns to Dad ] Excuse me. Don’t tell me what I’m here for, please?
Dad: No.. I just figured this was a holiday for the kids, and..
Gene: No, I understand that, sir – just do me a favor and don’t tell me what I’m here for!
Dad: Listen, I didn’t mean anything by it. Why don’t you relax?
Gene: Relax? [ stands up and closes in on Dad ]
Dad: [ nervous ] Uh.. Billy, you’d better go look at the bikes..
Gene: My man, you want me to be naughty or nice over here? What’s it goin’ down?
Dad: What is your problem?! I’m here with my kid, and I’m trying to enjoy the holiday!
Gene: Listen, man, you’re right..
Dad: Yeah!
Gene: The thing is, I just got out of jail, I’m trying to straighten out and make a good impression over here. It’s like my P.O. told me: “Gene, you’re crazy! You’re the craziest sonofabitch ever came through the system!”
Dad: It’s alright, it’s alright! You seem like a nice guy at heart..!
Gene: No, no, no. I feel bad, I wanna make it up to you. What do you say we go back to my room at the Y, listen to some Ronnie James Dio, and drink some apple wine?
Dad: What?!
Gene: Yeah, back at the Y I’ve got the Christmas issue of “Barely Legal”, they got naked elves, they got Santa giving it to broads under the tree..
Kid: Daddy? Who’s Ronnie James Dio?
Dad: Nobody, nobody, son! [ to Gene ] Listen! I don’t want my kid knowing who Ronnie James Dio is! I’m not even sure I know who she is! I just want him to sit on Santa’s lap and tell Santa what he wants, so we can get out of here!
Gene: I’m sorry. I’m a little spacey, you know what it is? I been selling a lot of blood lately. [ takes his seat ] Come on, son.. get up here and tell Santa what you want.
Kid: I want a happy Christmas for my family.
Gene: Yeah. The only family I had in the can was the Aryan Brotherhood. Every Christmas, we drank Pruno and passed around the joke book..
Guard: [ steps up ] Yes? Yes, what’s the problem, sir?
Dad: Travis Bickle here is telling prison stories to my son!
Gene: My man! This guy’s lying! His kid stole a bike!
Guard: Aw, Gene, this is the 56th complaint we’ve had in two days. Now, let’s go.. [ grabs Gene’s sleeve ]
Gene: Whoa, whoa! You wanna keep your hands to yourself, please?
Guard: Come on, Gene, you’re bothering the customers, it’s bad for business. Time to leave.
Gene: I understand. Just don’t touch me!
Guard: What’s up with you?
Gene: Nothing’s up with me! What’s down with you? What’s under with him? This kid wants a bike, she wants a dolly, and I want you to get outta my face before I smack you with a stocking full of D-cell batteries!
Dad: You guys should have a better screening process for hiring Santas! You can start with the urine test!
Gene: Sir! Where am I supposed to get work?! Are you gonna hire a man who just did twelve years for home invasion and murder?
Dad: No, of course not!
Gene: Well, see! That’s what I’m talking about! I can’t find a job!
Kid: Daddy? Is Santa going to jail?
Dad: No, son, no.. he’s not really Santa..
Kid: Daddy? Is there no Santa?
Gene: You see that, sir? Now you got a kid who thinks there’s no Santa! You happy?
Dad: Well, I’d rather have him beleive in no Santa, than a Santa who does twelve years for home invasion and murder!
Gene: Sir, yes, it’s true, I done time! But, when you think about it, what does Santa do every year but commit a form of home invasion? A very loving and generous home invasion, yes.. but still home invasion! And, as for murder, well.. well, I can’t think of any good reason to justify that.
Dad: You know, my kid used to love Santa! He saw that Tim Allen movie ten times!
Gene: Kid, I did time with Tim Allen! Let me tell ya something – he’s always been real people, Bro, but he ain’t no Santa Claus!
Guard: Alright, Gene, come on, let’s go.. [ pulls Gene away ]
Dad: Let’s go, son. There are other department stores..
Nathan Lane: My thanks to Metallica. Marianne Faithfull. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! My compadre, Ernie Sabella! This brilliant cast, the great writers, the great crew here, for making this a tremendeous week. Thanks to Lorne Michaels. Thank you all, you’ve been a great audience! Good night, everybody! Ha-ku-na Ma-ta-ta!
Marianne Faithfull performs “The Ballad of Lucy Jordan
…..Marianne Faithfull
[ dissolve from the Sister Wendy Beckett’s Art Odyssey film ]
Marianne Faithfull: “The morning sun touched lightly on The eyes of Lucy Jordan In a white suburban bedroom in a white suburban town.”
[ dissolve to commercial, as the studio audience hears more of the song: ]
“As she lay there ‘neath the covers Dreaming of a thousand lovers Till the world turned to orange And the room went spinning ’round.
At the age of 37 She realized she’d never ride Through Paris in a sports car With the warm wind in her hair So she let the phone keep ringing As she sat there, softly singing Little nursery rhymes she’d memorized In her daddy’s easy chair.
Her husband is off to work And the kids are off to school And there were, oh, so many ways For her to spend the day She could clean the house for hours Or rearrange the flowers Or run naked through the shady streets Screaming all the way!
At the age of 37 She realized –“
[ dissolve on a Nathan Lane bumper, as SNL returns from commercial. Marianne Faithfull and the SNL Band promptly pot down. ]
“– she’d never ride.”
[ the rest of the song: ]
“Through Paris in a sports car With the warm wind in her hair So she let the phone keep ringing As she sat there, softly singing Little nursery rhymes she’d memorized In her daddy’s easy chair.
The evening sun touched gently on The eyes of Lucy Jordan On the roof top, where she climbed When all the laughter grew too loud And she bowed and curtsied to the man Who reached and offered her his hand And he led her down to the long white car That waited past the crowd.
At the age of 37 She knew she’d found forever As she rolled along through Paris With the warm wind in her hair.”
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Air Date:
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) uses the country’s budget surplus to make a gratuitous sex film.
