Dennis DeYoung: [ singing at piano ] “I know you think these are the worst of times I do believe it’s true.”
Hi. I’m Dennis DeYoung, lead singer of the rock group Styx. And that was our smash hit, “The Best of Times”, a song that turned a respected art-rock quintent into an easy-listening laughingstock. You can hear that and other career-destroying hits on an amazing collection called “Songs That Ruined Everything”. You’ll get dozens of songs which singnalled the beginning of the end for many formerly cool artists. Including:
[ show image of Steve Miller over music sample ]
“Abracadabra”, by the Steve Miller Band..
[ show image of Bruce Springsteen over music sample ]
..”Dancing In The Dark”, by the Boss – Bruce Springsteen..
[ show image of Rod Stewart over music sample ]
..and “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart.
I’m sure we all remember the moment we lost respect for one of our favorite artists. Now you can relive that moment again and again. Imagine it’s 1986, and you’re eagerly awaiting the new album by the world’s greatest rock-and-roll band.. and they give you this: [ sound clip plays ] “Harlem Shuffle”, by the Rolling Stones. You’ll also get:
[ show image of Yes over music sample ]
“Owner Of A Lonely Heart”, by Yes.
[ show image of Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson over music sample ]
..”Say, Say, Say”, by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Hey! This one ruined two reputations!
[ show image of Van Halen over music sample ]
And, of course, “Jump”, by Van Halen.
And if you act now, we’ll include a bonus album: “Songs That Made ItImpossible For Even The Most Ardent Fan Not To Realize Something WasSeriously Wrong.” We’re talking about songs that pounded the final nailinto the coffin of artistic legitimacy. Such as:
[ show image of Jefferson Starship over music sample ]
“We Built This City”, by Jefferson Starship..
[ show image of Genesis over music sample ]
..”Invisible Touch”, by Genesis..
[ show image of Billy Joel over music sample ]
..”We Didn’t Start The Fire”, by Billy Joel..
[ show image of Styx over music sample ]
..and Styx’s own “Mr. Roboto”.
Each of these songs reminds us that even our best and brightest can enter a heart-breaking creative freefall, from which there’s no escape! So, “domo arigato”!
[ continues singing ]
“I’m sailing away-ay-ay..”
Announcer: Send $19.95 to: Dennis DeYoung Enterprises 2250 E. Madison Street, Chicago, Illinois
Chris “Champagne” Garnett….Tim Meadows Larry Unhower….Nathan Lane Black lover slow dancing….Tracy Morgan
[Opens with a black couple slow dancing in a room lit with candles listening to mellow r&b music over the radio]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [suave mellow voice over the radio] That’s right. Wrap your hands around your sweet lady and whisper secret words in her ears cause is that time where gentle caresses turns into sweet lovemaking. [cut to Chris on his radio booth, headphones, dark sunglasses] I’m your Deejay Chris “Champagne” Garnett and you’re listening to “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] Right now we got some “Keith Sweat” coming at ya’. Because it is time to sweat between the sheets. Smooth love skin against smooth lover skin. Passionate groans filling the air. Moist, hot. And also by the way, its the third day of Hanukkah. Yeah, so make sure you light another candle and then get down, here on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] And while you hold your lover in a passionate embrace of gentle kisses and sweet promises, whisper in her ear that Patterson Construction is offering 30 % discount onbrick face and stucco. Yeah, brick face, stucco, Hanukkah and sweet lovemaking. Here on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]
[A man is seen behind Chris looking for something on a shelf]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah, well, well…looks like Larry Unhower, the host of our mid-day easy-listening program “Afternoon Delight” has just stepped into the booth.
Larry Unhower: Hello Chris. Don’t mind me. I’m just looking for my Anne Murray boxset.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: I think I threw that out, man.
Larry Unhower: Oh, that’s quite all right. Hey, I just had a wacky idea. Maybe I’ll join you for a few tunes. It’ll be fun![sits, puts on headphones]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, that is certainly a wacky idea but I don’t think that’s really necessary…
Larry Unhower: This is Larry Unhower joining Chris “Champagne” Garnett on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: You touch that button again and I’m gonna go Latrell Sprewell on your ass.
Larry Unhower: Oh, take it easy, Chris. And speaking of easy lets hear some “Air Supply” now. “Im all out of love”.
[Air Supply song plays, Larry sways to the song] “Im all out of love, I’m so lost without you…”
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Let’s not.[turns it off] Instead lets listen to some “D’Angelo”, yeah. [D’Angelo plays] This song goes out to Chanika and G-Dog. G-Dog says he loves you, Chanika. And he wants to get it on even though you’re pregnant with Antwone’s baby. Here on “The Quiet Storm”. [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]
Larry Unhower: Well, that’s about enough of that![skips record]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: What the hell are you doing, man?
Larry Unhower: I just wanted to introduce your listeners to a better class of music. Ladies and gentlemen, “Amy Grant”.
[Amy grant song plays, Larry snaps his fingers to the song] Amy Grant: “Baby, baby….”
Larry Unhower: This song goes out to Glen and Karen. Glen says he cares about you, Karen. And apologizes for the remarks he made about the matching sweaters here on “Afternoon Delight” [pushes button, birds chirping sound effect]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Listen bitch! I will beat your ass so badly you’ll be howling in pain and it won’t be easy listening. Now here’s “Keith Sweat”, his newest groove “I need your loving”.
[ Chris pushes button and a folk song plays] “Sunshine on my shoulde-e-e-ers….”
Larry Unhower: I took the liberty of re-programming some of the musical selections.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah? Well, I took the liberty of purchasing a knife. [pulls out a monster switchblade]
Larry Unhower: What are you doing? Are you crazy?
[cut to the two black lovers slow dancing, Chris and Larry’s fight is heard over the radio]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: No one screws with my show!! You hear me?! Oh, so you have a gun, huh? Tough guy?!
Larry Unhower: That’s right! Only one of us is leaving here alive tonight!!
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Then bring it on!!!
[Couple keeps slow dancing, over the radio we hear furniture crashing and glass breaking and the violent scuffle]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh! Uff! Got to get my “Peaches and Herb” CD!!
Larry Unhower: Oh!, ah! Never, never! Must play “James Taylor”!!
[3 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang!]
[cut back into the radio booth, Chris holds a gun in his hand, Larry is shot in the head, blood on the temple, flat on his face on the console]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah, this is Chris “Champagne” Garnett. We got some “Peaches and Herb” comin’ at ya’! Also “The Quiet Storm” will be on tomorrow afternoon because I just shot Larry Unhower in the head. Yeah, so grab your lover, hold her tight, because this is “The Quiet Storm”. [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]
[Larry’s hand moves trying to change the record and Chris pushes his hand away. Chris sways to the music.]
[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, that isvery kind of you. Thanks, I’m Norm MacDonald, now thefake news. Our top story tonight:
This week, Attorney General Janet Reno announced shewill not name an independent counsel to investigatecampaign fundraising by the president. At a pressconference, she said, quote, “The decision was mine. It was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure,not politics, not any other factor.” She was then ledaway at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chineseguys.
Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio thisweek presiding at a town meeting about race relationsin America. The President chose Akron as the site ofthe meeting partly because it is the home of theComing Together Project, an organized effort to endracism, and partly because it is the home of SusanRosenberg, an old classmate from Oxford the Presidentstill has sex with. [ Photo of unattractive woman.]
The trial of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynzski,underway. His lawyers are making arrangements now tomove their client’s 10 by 12-foot shack into thecourtroom. After the trial, the cabin will becarefully repacked and moved to Hollywood where itwill serve as home to actor Mickey Rourke.
Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According tothe Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recentlybroken into his family estate in search of souvenirsfrom Princess Diana’s grave. But the Earl says heknows just how to protect the site. Landmines![ applause ]
This week in the former Soviet Union, an Americanengineer for a San Diego-based company was arrestedand charged with spying for the United States. Russianauthorities say he was caught attempting to smuggleout their secret formula for alcoholism anddespair.
A new study has found that Americans are in the bestof health, and the worst of health, with lifespansthat can differ by as much as forty years from oneU.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans arefound in Sterns County, Minnesota, while the shortestlifespans are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey. [Photo of sign that reads “Welcome To Drunkdrivingvillepop. 33,000” ]
In January, production will begin on the seventhseason of MTV’s “The Real World.” The seven youngpeople appearing in the series will representdifferent backgrounds, ages, religions and sexualorientations. However, this year, they will share onetrait in common — I will hate them. [ applause]
In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a servicethat would allow customers to learn the address of anylisted telephone number in the state. Critics say theservice would be an invasion of privacy, whileproponents of the plan say it will help them invadepeople’s privacy.
On “Tom Snyder” this week, actor Tony Danza said hethought the recent open display of affection bylesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in frontof President Clinton was “extremely disrespectful.” On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded,”Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!”[applause]
Playing in a music store in New York this week, KennyG set a world record by holding a saxophone note forforty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators thatit would be quite boring, it should be noted, that itis every bit as boring to hear Kenny G playdifferent saxophone notes – for forty-fiveminutes.
Norm MacDonald: Well, earlier this week, folks,police made a gruesome discovery in the closet of aBronx apartment — the body of an elderly woman. Thewoman had been dead for some time, and her corpse had,in fact, been mummified. Here with more on this case,is the policeman who discovered the body, Officer LouCostello. [ applause for a nervous, chubby uniformedpoliceman with his cap askew ] Now, Officer Costello,why don’t you tell the folks here whathappened?
Officer Lou Costello: Well… [ starts to pant,wheeze and gasp ]
Norm MacDonald: Okay, now listen! Now listen!Pull – pull – pull yourself together! These – thesepeople don’t want to hear that nonsense! They– [cheers and applause ] This is ridiculous. Completelyridiculous! These people have no reason to hear this. They want to hear about the mummified corpse.
Officer Lou Costello: [ pants and gasps further]
Norm MacDonald: Now, don’t be ridiculous! Now,listen, listen, let me put it this way.. you’re anofficer of the law, aren’t you?
Officer Lou Costello: Of course.
Norm MacDonald: And, you must have written areport, a police report.
Officer Lou Costello: Why, certainly..
Norm MacDonald: Well, then why don’t you tellthe people what you wrote in the policereport?
Officer Lou Costello: Well, my partner Chickand I went into the apartment, and I smelledsomething. I – I smelled it and it was comin’ from thebedroom. So, I went in there, and I opened thecloset, and inside there was a.. [ pants, wheezes,gasps ] ..a muh-muh-muh.. a mummy! Norm MacDonald: What are you talking about? Your mother was in the closet? What was she doingthere?
Officer Lou Costello: Not my mummy. Amuh-muh-muh… [ pants and wheezes ]
Norm MacDonald: All right, come on now! [ slapshim hard in the face ] Pull yourself together! You’rean officer of the law, for God’s sake! What are yougetting so excited for?
Officer Lou Costello: I’m a-scared!
Norm MacDonald: Ahhh… well, this isridiculous! All right, forget this! We’re gettingnowhere.
Norm MacDonald: Let me ask you this. [ someapplause for the ad-lib; Norm, highly amused, mustpause to gather himself ]
Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You know -you know, that’s why Bud and I broke up, he hit himtoo hard.
Norm MacDonald: [ laughs ] Now, let me ask youthis, now, finally, Officer Costello.
Officer Lou Costello: Yes?
Norm MacDonald: Now, the 70th Precinct, that’syour precinct, the precinct you work in – it hasrecently been accused of brutalizing suspects, andthen maintaining a police code of silence. Now, now,let me ask you this, Officer Costello: were youinvolved in this?
Officer Lou Costello: I’m a badboy!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, Lord. Officer LouCostello, everyone. That’s ridiculous! [ to Lou ]That’s ridiculous! [ Officer Lou starts beating Normwith his police cap as Norm breaks character] Andthat’s the news, folks! [ Norm cracks up and recoilsas Lou beats him ] What are you doing?!? [ Applause. Music. Title card. Fade. ]
Brian Williams…..Will Ferrell Diane Carbonal…..Ana Gasteyer Bobbie McCaughey…..Molly Shannon Kenny McCaughey…..Jim Breuer President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Baby Jessica…..Cheri Oteri Geraldo Rivera…..Chris Kattan
[ Brian Williams and NBC News interrupt a broadcast of “Jenny” for an important news announcement: ]
Brian Williams: An amazing development, just a few hours ago, in the miraculous story of the McCaughey Septuplets, the first septuplets on record. It appears that the Septuplets have now incredibly become trapped in a well. I repeat, all seven McCaughey babies are now trapped in a well.
[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]
Brian Williams: For more information on what may be the biggest – and coolest – news story ever, we go now to Diane Carbonal with our local NBC affiliate in Des Moines.
Diane: Thank you, Brian. The news that the seven McCaughey babies have fallen into a well came as a shock to all of us. I, myself, exclaimed, “What? You mean those seven babies are stuck in a well? Jackpot!” Now, here to comment, are Kenny and Bobbie McCaughey themselves. [ Kenny and Bobbie step forward ] Mrs. McCaughey, what happened this evening?
Bobbie McCaughey: Well, Kenny and I decided that the babies had been cooped up long enough, so we decided to take a walk. And then, as any mother does, I set my babies on the edge of a well for safe keeping.
Kenny McCaughey: Then, I heard seven splashes. And I said, “No! No! No! No! No! No! No!”
Diane: Any words for the billions of people watching and praying with you?
Kenny McCaughey: Well, we’d like to thank Preston Ropes for their donation of rope.
Diane: A showering of support in this tragic, highly newsworthy, hour. Back to you, Brian.
Brian Williams: I’m Brian Williams, and I’m giving you all the news on the Well Babies Tragedy.
[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]
Brian Williams: God, I love that graphic! Wait.. uh.. I’ve just been told that President Clinton is about to make a statement on the situation. Let’s go now, live, to Washington.
President Bill Clinton: [ Before podium in Washington ] Uh.. I am in favor of, uh, rescuing the babies. Thank you. [ He leaves podium ]
Brian Williams: There you have it – a strong endorsement from President Clinton in this time of crisis. Now back to you, Diane Carbonal, in Des Moines.
Diane: Brian, I’ve just been told that the Hostess company has donated a pack of Twinkies that they’ve thrown into the well for the babies to eat. I’ve also been told that Midas Muffler has begun lowering dozens of mufflers into the well for no apparent reason. Joining me now is an expert on being trapped in a well. You may remember her 1987 ordeal. Baby Jessica.
Baby Jessica: [ Smoking hard on cigarette ] Call me “Pre-Teen” Jessica.
Diane: Jessica, it was ten years ago that you yourself were trapped in a well. Can you offer any advice to the septuplets?
Baby Jessica: First off, don’t lose your cool. You’re in a well, so deal with it. Okay, secondly, when you get out, finish school! You can only ride the well thing for so long.
Diane: Thank you, Jessica. [ Jessica runs off, the sound of helicopters can be heard ] Brian, there appears to be a helicopter landing, of some kind. It might be more rescue workers.
Geraldo Rivera: [ Enters scene ] Geraldo Rivera here, the newest member of NBC News, reporting on the Well Babies. We can only hope, and pray..
Brian Williams: Keep Rivera away, Diane. That bastard doesn’t deserve to hold an NBC microphone. The Well Babies are mine!
Diane: Don’t worry, Brian, I’ll handle this. [ Distracting Geraldo ] Look, Geraldo, there’s O.J.! Go get him! Go get him! Go, Boy! Good boy! [ Geraldo quickly runs off in search of nothing ] Back to you, Brian.
Brian Williams: Well done, kitten. I, I mean, Diane. Once again, if you’re just joining us, the Septuplets are trapped in a well.
[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]
Brian Williams: Damn, that’s a kick-ass graphic! You know what else kicks ass? The fact that my career is taking off as we speak. Tom Brokaw, if you’re watching out there, don’t even think about trying to get me out from behind this desk, old man! I’ve got the Well Babies, and I’m here for the long haul. I’ve got a bag of Snickers and a Piss Jar under this desk, so.. Oh, no, I-I’ve just been told that the Septuplets are close to being freed. This can’t happen! This story is all I have! I-I-I’m not going to be another Arthur Kent! Diane, is there anything you can do to stop them?
Diane: I’m afraid not, Brian. Apparently, the well was only four feet deep. This story appears to be coming to a close, as rescue workers have just retrieved all seven babies unharmed. Mrs. McCaughey, any words in this great, great moment of joy?
Bobbie McCaughey: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 13th, 1997 Helen Hunt Hanson None Jack Nicholson Todd Hundley Scott Rolen Mark Wohlers Marty Cordova Jeff Fassero Gregg Jefferies Mark Grudzielanek Rondell White Todd Zeile Russ Davis Cliff Floyd David Howard Mike Sweeney Gerald Williams Christmas Caroling with The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) go Christmas caroling with Senor Franklin (Tim Meadows) and Connie Davenport (Helen Hunt). Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp, Senor Franklin. Transcript
Montage
Helen Hunt’s MonologueSummary: The cast inundates Helen Hunt with their poor Jack Nicholson impressions, until Nicholson himself appears to tell them “the truth” about their impressions. First Hosted: 93p. Transcript
Cookie Dough SportSummary: Cookie dough right when you need it most. Note: Repeat from 97b.
Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) mistakenly think themselves drunk while drinking egg nog, then welcome gingerbread expert Gertrude Mintz (Helen Hunt) to the show. Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio”, Jesus struggles to find a modern-day example of good will during Christmas.
The Ladies ManSummary: Ladies Man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) prepares to enjoy the holidays with Charlene (Helen Hunt). Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
Baseball DreamsSummary: Debauchorous baseball players Todd Hundley, Scott Rolen, Mark Wohlers, Marty Cordova, Jeff Fassero, Gregg Jefferies, Mark Grudzielanek, Rondell White, Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, Cliff Floyd, David Howard, Mike Sweeney, and Gerald Williams pop out of a young boy’s (Chris Kattan) bedroom closet to inspire him to pursue his dream of becoming a ballplayer. Recurring Characters: Ted Brogan. Transcript
Hanson performs “MMMBop”Bio: Oklahoma pop-rock band; members: Clarke Isaac Hanson, Jordan Taylor Hanson, Zachary Walker Hanson.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Drunken Colin Quinn gets sidetracked and angered by Norm MacDonald during his commentary on the International Monetary Fund. Note: This is Norm MacDonald’s final appearance as a Weekend Update anchor. Transcript
The Roxbury GuysSummary: Roxbury Guys, Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) visit a counselor (Helen Hunt) after striking out at their favorite nightclub. Recurring Characters: Steve Butabi, Doug Butabi. Transcript
Joan Rivers’ 1997 Fashion Wrap-UpSummary: Skeletal Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers (Cheri Oteri), Issac Mizrahi (Darrell Hammond) and Jodie Foster (Helen Hunt) rate the year’s worst celebrity fashions. Recurring Characters: Melissa Rivers, Issac Mizrahi, Jodie Foster. Transcript
A Burt Reynolds ChristmasSummary: Burt Reynolds’ (Norm MacDonald) Christmas special features Jerry Reed (Will Ferrell) and lots of loose hijinks. Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds, Jerry Reed. Transcript
A Message From Bill GatesSummary: Lonely computer mogul Bill Gates (Chris Kattan) announces the recent merger between Microsoft and Christmas. Recurring Characters: Bill Gates, Bill Clinton.
Torturing HansonSummary: Seeking revenge on the Hanson Brothers, a pair of torturers (Helen Hunt, Will Ferrell) trap them in an elevator and force them to listen to their own music. Transcript
Hanson performs “Merry Christmas, Baby”
GoodnightsNote: Helen Hunt and the cast and crew wave good night from the Rockefeller Center skating rink. Transcript
[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thanks, I’m Norm Macdonald. Nowthe fake news. Our top story tonight:
This week, the Clinton White House angrily deniedcharges that burial plots in Arlington NationalCemetery were being handed out as political favors. Although, Presidential Spokesman Mike McCurry didacknowledge that it is not easy to explain the Tomb ofthe Unknown Asian Contributor. …
This week, an angry President Clinton demanded thatCongress stop dragging its feet on something he haslong championed — a Medical Bill of Rights for U.S.citizens. In all, there are ten items in thePresident’s Bill of Rights, running from Number One: Arich satisfying sex life is the foundation of goodhealth” … to Number Ten: “A straight penis is not aprivilege — it is a right!” …
Toymaker Mattel has decided to give its Barbie doll anew and less curvaceous body. This in response tocriticism that Barbie’s current measurements, if shewere six feet tall, would read an unrealistic38-18-34. Feminists are applauding the move but,personally, I think that instead of all this pettytinkering with measurements, they should just make hersix feet tall. … [ applause ]
Speaking of toys, this year’s survey of the ten mostdangerous toys has been released. Topping the listthis year: Tyco’s new Throat Clogger Upper.…
The FDA is considering approval of a new highlyeffective treatment for baldness. The drug, Propecia,has been shown in trials to grow thick, luxurianthair. Although, there is a downside. It only workson ears, noses and backs. …
In next week’s Life magazine, pop star MichaelJackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son. The photos show Jackson changing, feeding and cradlingthe baby boy, in what Jackson himself promises will beLife magazine’s sexiest issue ever….
First Lady Hillary Clinton has been out of the countrythis week, visiting the remote region of Siberia. Said the President, quote, “When the cat’s away, themice– Ah, who am I kiddin’? The mouse screws plentyof women even when the cat’s right here.” … [applause ]
Has the lure of the almighty dollar finally made usforget the true meaning of Christmas? Well, in myopinion, the answer is yes — when you considerthat it’s not even Thanksgiving but the Christmasissue of Black Tail magazine is alreadyon newsstands. [ Cover of magazine with half-nakedwomen wearing Santa Claus hats ] … Shame on you,people at Black Tail magazine….
Wednesday on CBS’ “This Morning” program,correspondent Eleanor Mondale went toy shopping withKato Kaelin. According to producers, it was part of anew segment on the show called “Let’s Punish theAudience.” …
Well, now there is finally a matchmaking service fordogs. At “Happy Animals,” matchmakers guarantee tofind your dog a perfect mate based on height, weight,age and breed. So far, the dog dating service has hada one hundred percent success rate because, accordingto its founders, any dog will have sex withany other dog. …
An extremely rare albino lobster found recently inMaine will not end up on a dinner table but willinstead live out its days in a private aquarium. Thelobster’s already been flown from Casco Bay to Texas– where it will be lovingly cared for by rock legendJohnny Winter. [ Photo of the long-haired albinoguitarist ] …
I’d like now to make a correction to a story that wereported earlier tonight. It seems that the Christmasissue of Black Tail is not yet availableon newsstands. I’m sorry. So far, it’s only gone outto those of us who subscribe. … Our apologiesto the editors of Black Tail and — keepup the good work, boys! …
On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbiaon its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttlewill feature the first space walk ever by a Japaneseastronaut who will get to take in the uniqueperspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder ifthere’s any chance he’ll, uh, take a picture.…
Norm Macdonald: Well, tonight’s musical guest,Sarah McLachlan, organized last week’s– lastsummer’s, rather, Lilith Festival, the largestcollection of female singers ever to tour together.Their opening act was stand-up comic Cinder Calhoun.Please welcome groundbreaking female artists SarahMcLachlan and Cinder Calhoun. [ cheers and applause ]
Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Norm. Um, as Sarahknows, I’m still not really comfortable with the termstand-up comic. I, um, I really consider myself moreof a weaver of satiric truths in the, uh, tradition ofthe great Appalachian humorists, so, uh…yeah.
Norm Macdonald: Well, Sarah, how did youdiscover, uh, Cinder, here?
Sarah McLachlan: Actually, it’s a pretty funnystory.
Cinder Calhoun: Yeah, we were, um, we werehanging out one night backstage with Alanis Morissetteat the, uh, Follow Your Bliss Tibetan freedom concertsand everyone was in kind of a real like giddyslaphappy mood ’cause I was on a roll telling somepretty righteously funny [ exaggerated Spanish accent] Guatemalan animal riddles … um, that I, uh,I had heard from a [ exaggerated accent ]Latina friend. … And, uh, Alanis was liketotally stumped by the one about the trickster owl andthe hungry bird and she goes “I don’t get it” and Ilooked at Sarah and I just go “Alanis, [ singing ]you you you oughta know.”
Sarah McLachlan: And I laughed so hard the babaganoush I was eating came out of my nose.
Cinder Calhoun: It was unbelievable. It wasunreal.
Norm Macdonald: So I guess that’s the point yourealized you were hittin’ somethin’ big here?
Sarah McLachlan: Oh, yeah. I got her for thetour right away.
Norm Macdonald: So you guys gonna do some ofyour comedy for us tonight?
Cinder Calhoun: Um, actually, Norm, Sarah and Ifeel that we’d be really remiss if we didn’t use thisplatform to address an issue tonight. Um, we were at aMaya Angelou poetry reading, um, last night with FionaApple. … She is so wise. Um. …Yeah.
Sarah McLachlan: Well, we were discussing theritual torture and senseless slaughters of turkeys inthe name of the gluttonous, nationalistic,patriarchal holiday that we call Thanksgiving.
Cinder Calhoun: [ increasingly emotional ]Right, and the sickest thing that Fiona told us is,apparently, that one company has a 1-800 number thatgives out cooking tips and recipes encouraging themutilation and consumption of these beautifulbirds! [ gasps ]
Sarah McLachlan: [ comforting Cinder ] Willyou be okay?
Cinder Calhoun: Yeah. So um, we wrote a songabout it, um, for all the turkeys out there whocelebrate Thanksgiving. [ Sarah and Cinder are handedacoustic guitars ] It’s called “Basted in Blood.” …
Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ] “We gather together for yams, beans, and cranberrysauce. But have you given much thought lately to the TurkeyHolocaust? Twenty million noble birds slaughtered every fall. Ain’t no difference between Hitler, Stalin — and thefolks at Butterball! Butterba-a-a-a-ll!!
[ Briefly cut wide to reveal Norm glancing aroundskeptically. ]
Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ] So set your tables, America, from Birmingham toBranson. But when you carve that turkey you’re a finger-lickingCharlie Manson. Enjoy your pumpkin pie, your buttery Idaho spud. Grandma’s chestnut stuffing, and a turkey basted inblood…
Basted in blood! Basted in blood! Basted in blood! Basted in blood! Basted in blood! Basted in blood! Basted in blood! Basted in blood!”
[ Huge cheers and applause. ]
Norm MacDonald: [ about to chew on a turkeyleg ] Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan — [ putsaway the turkey leg ] — everybody! Thanks. Thanks,Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan. … [ to thecrowd ] I wonder if Cinder is related to HaystackCalhoun? … Okay, folks. That’s it! Goodnight![ Pull back and dissolve to WU graphic. Music. Cheersand applause. Fade. ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: December 6th, 1997 Nathan Lane Metallica Ernie Sabella The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Marianne Faithfull NBC News Special Report: Well Babies TragedySummary: An episode of “Jenny” is interrupted by an important — not to mention, cool — news report: Brian Williams is psyched to announced that the McCaughey Septuplets have all fallen down a well, and he’s ready to sit on this story all through the night. Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Gerald Rivera, President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Nathan Lane’s MonologueSummary: Nathan Lane casually enters the stage in a bathrobe while reading the newspaper, free of worries and oblivious to his hosting duties for the night. Ana Gasteyer and Nathan’s “Lion King” co-star, Ernie Sabella, confront him. Nathan promptly bursts into a chorus of “Hakuna Matata”, and dances through the studio with everyone in tow. Bio: Nathan Lane (1956-). Actor; Broadway credits include: “Guys and Dolls” (1992); film credits include: “The Birdcage” (1996), “Mouse Hunt” (1997), “The Producers” (2005).
Chess For GirlsSummary: Because Chess is traditionally a boring boys’ game, Mattel has femmed it up for the opposite sex with dolls, dresses, and bubbles. Transcript
The SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) chat on the phone before bedtime to make their Christmas wishes. They both fall asleep and share the same dream, of being real Spartan Cheerleaders and dancing with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.
The Quiet StormSummary: While playing his groove music, Chris “Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) is visited by easy listening morning host Larry Unhower (Nathan Lane), and the two begin an on-air turf war of competing hits. Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett. Transcript
Sister Wendy Beckett’s Art OdysseySummary: During a visit to a New York art museum, naughty Sister Wendy (Nathan Lane) tries to hide her love for erotic artwork.
Marianne Faithfull performs “The Ballad of Lucy Jordan”Note: Shown briefly on the air before the show cuts to a commercial break. The song wraps up as the show returns from the commercial break. First Performed: 79j. Lyrics
History of VaudevilleSummary: The vaudeville act of Weber (Nathan Lane) & Rose (Chris Kattan) was one of the earliest to perform ethnic stereotyping.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald adopts the persona of Bud Abbott when he interviews Officer Lou Costello (Nathan Lane), who is frightened by a mummified corpse he discovered on a recent murder investigation. Transcript
Metallica performs “Fuel”Bio: Heavy metal band; members: Kirk Hammett, James Hetfield, Jason Newsted, Lars Ulrich. Lyrics
Songs That Ruined EverythingSummary: Styx frontrunner Dennis DeYoung (Will Ferrell) promotes the songs that signaled artistic doom for various rock performers. Recurring Characters: Dennis DeYoung. Transcript
The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: On the hypnotic effect of looking back between an old man and his younger photograph. Transcript
Miss MiloSummary: Broadway veteran Miss Milo (Nathan Lane) acts eccentric in front of her new dresser, theater major Vance Harris (Will Ferrell), as he gets her ready for her performance as Mrs. Christmas Tree.
Metallica, featuring Marianne Faithfull, performs “The Memory Remains”Lyrics
Ex-Con GeneSummary: Gene the ex-con (Colin Quinn) takes work as a cranky, kid-scaring Santa Claus. Recurring Characters: Gene. Transcript
The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: On a little boy’s desire to be an acrobat when he grows up. Transcript
[Mellow music, piano and synth. Hummingbird hoversnear a flower.]
Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.
Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text] It’s funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look back at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you’ll do whatever anybody tells you to.
[Mellow music, piano and synth. Waterfalls in the background.]
Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.
Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text] When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people’s shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out he hadn’t been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.
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