George Costanza…..Darrell Hammond Jerry Seinfeld…..Will Ferrell Cosmo Kramer…..Jim Breuer Buffy…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
[Open on Seinfeld logo]
Announcer: “Seinfeld” is going off the air. [The logo disappears as a TV turning off. A question mark comes into view] Wondering what to watch on Thursday Nights? [The WB logo comes into view] This fall, it’s The WB that’s must see! [The WB logo becomes a watermark on the bottom right of the screen, revealing the Buffy logo] You’ll forget all about “Seinfeld”, because “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is moving to Thursday Nights at 9 PM! And it’s got a whole new look! [Fade to shots of New York at night] Buffy’s in New York City now, and she’s facing a whole new vampire threat!
[Fade to Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment. The familiar bass lick plays. George is sitting on the couch. Jerry emerges from the kitchen.]
George: Jerry, how was your date with Cindy the other night?
Jerry: It was great, except for one thing…
George: What?
Jerry: One of her fangs is longer than the other one!
George: She has a freak fang?
Jerry: She has a freak fang!
George: Oh!
Jerry: She has an asymetrical fang situation!
George: Yeah?
Jerry: I was watching her eat, and it almost made me sick!
[Fade to shots of vampires in the city at night]
Announcer: Hell spawned creatures of evil, feasting on innocent human souls!
[Fade back to the apartment]
Jerry: Anyway, I got a date. I’ll…I gotta jump in the shower.
George: Hey, you know what you should try? Before you take a shower, turn into a bat. Shower as a bat.
Jerry: Why would I shower as a bat?
George: So you can save water! You’re a bat, you’re smaller, you save water in the shower, it’s genius!
Jerry: Who showers as a bat? How do you lather, rinse, repeat, when you’re a bat?
[Kramer enters the apartment and is greeted with audience applause]
Kramer: Hey, Jerry! I, uh…need to borrow your tape measure!
[Kramer goes into the kitchen, moving around spastically. He inadvertently knocks all the cereal off the shelf]
Jerry: What do you need a tape measure for?
Kramer: Listen to this, Jerry! I’m, uh…turning my whole apartment into one big coffin! That way I can sleep anywhere I want!
[Fade to shots of the city]
Announcer: When you’re a vampire slayer on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, terror lurks around every corner!
[Fade back to the apartment. The intercom buzzer rings. Jerry pushes the button]
Jerry: Who is it?
Buffy (V/O): It’s Buffy!
Jerry: Come on up!
[Jerry unlocks the door. Buffy enters, dressed–and whining–exactly like Elaine Benes. She shoves Jerry a few times.]
Buffy: Ugh! I had the worst day today! Hellooooo!
Jerry: What happened? Did you only slay five of my friends?
Buffy: [sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha, ha, no! Ugh, there’s this new vampire temp at work, and he is so annoying! [Buffy takes a water bottle out of the fridge] He makes this slurping noise when he sucks blood…all day long, it’s [slurp, slurp]
George: Wait, you’re working with a blood slurper?
Jerry: Maybe Blood Slurper should go out with Freak Fang. They’d make a perfect pair!
[Buffy shrugs her shoulders. Fade to a Seinfeld-style Buffy logo, as a bass lick plays again.]
Announcer: Thursdays at 9, catch the all-new “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”! It’s a show about nothing! And vampires!
[ open on suburban family sitting at the dinner table ]
[ family makes a lot of noise with their forks and knives as the eat in disturbing silence ]
Dad: [ breaking silence ] How was school today, dear?
Daughter: Fine.
Mom: Did you have band practice today, or was Mr. Larson still sick?
Daughter: No, he’s still sick.
[ they continue to eat in silence, banging their knives and forks together as they eat ]
Dad: [ craving attention ] I had a.. funny thing happen today at work. When I left the office, I had trouble unlocking my car. Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.
Mom: Did somebody take your keys?
Dad: [ annoyed ] Can I finish the story? [ pauses in stern silence ] It turns out that I had accidentally taken Jeff Peabody’s keys, and.. he had taken mine. We.. really had a long laugh.
Mom: Mmm, I thought that’s who took them..
Dad: Will you ever let me finish a damn story?!
Mom: I-I just assumed that Jeff Peabody –
Dad: I would love to finish one damn story!
Daughter: Your stories are lame, Dad!
Dad: [ angry ] You do not talk to me like that!
Mom: Do not raise your voice!
Shut up!!
Dad: You do not talk to me like that!
Daughter: I cannot believe –
Dad: I am a Division Manager!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don’t talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!
Daughter: Why would anybody be scared of you! I hate you, you big fat terd!
[ stunned, they continue to eat in awkward, confned silence ]
Mom: I spoke with Paula’s mother this afternoon.
Daughter: So?
Mom: I guess Paula’s really excited about the sleepover tomorrow night.
Daughter: Oh, shut up, you drunken witch!
[ they return to silence ]
Dad: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?
Mom: Hmm, it’s not ready until Thursday.
Dad: I thought you said it’d be ready today?
Mom: No, it’s going to be ready Thursday.
Dad: You know, I have that big meeting tomorrow.
Mom: Well, I’m sorry.
Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!
Mom: I didn’t lie, Ted.
Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!
Mom: I wish you wouldn’t call me a liar!
Dad: Don’t raise your voice at me!
Mom: I am not raising my voice!
Dad: You do not talk to me like that!! I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I’m a Division Manager in charge of 49 people!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!
[ their screaming comes to an end, as the agonizing silence returns ]
Mom: Honey, do you want to go to Pottery class with me this weekend?
Daughter: I wish you were dead!
[ awkward silence, a struggle for a normal conversion ]
Dad: I’m gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow.
Daughter: You mean your lame Dodge Stratus?
Dad: You don’t talk about my car that way!!
Mom: Dear Lord..
Dad: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! You don’t talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!!
Daughter: Shut up!
Dad: You do not talk to your father that way!! I am a Division Manager!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!
Daughter: I’m going to Rob’s house! I hate you – both!
[ Daughter storms out of the house ]
[ Dad grabs daughter’s plate, and seperates her food between him and Mom ]
Circe Nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk, I’m Circy Nightshade!
Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azriel Abyss, the Prince of Sorrow.
Circe Nightshade: Prepare yourself children of the night, tonight we are going to take you spiraling DOWN DOWN DOWN into the ecstasy of the unearthly!
Azrael Abyss: The ecstasy of the unearthly! Weeeeee!
Circe Nightshade: But we have to be quiet because Azriel’s brother Glenn came home wasted from a beach party, and he’s hiding out behind the couch until The Prince of Sorrow’s parents go to sleep.
Glen: [ singing ] She’s got legs! And she knows how to use them…
Azrael Abyss: Glenn, you’re ruining our dark spell!
Glen: Shhh-za Yo! I was doin’ it that loud?? I’m sorry, listen, listen. I’ll be hiding under here, okay? Be cool.
Azrael Abyss: Agghhhh! Anyway…
Circe Nightshade: Let’s begin our decent into madness with a Goth Talk concert review! Azriel.
Azrael Abyss: Last Saturday, I saw a new Goth band called “The Grim Reaper” And theirs is a morbid elegy to the horrible squallow of life… I think. Actually I missed most of the show when I accidentally dropped my retainer. I spent most of the time looking for it on the floor.
Circe Nightshade: So, if you were at the show Saturday, and have found a most demonic retainer, please return it to the address below. *Address Flashes*
Azrael Abyss: I had it wrapped in a napkin, if I don’t find it my dad’s going to kill me! Rrrraarrr! Our guest tonight is the goddess of the Goth seen in nearby Orlando. She hosts her own show, a cable access show, it’s called, “Black Magic Kingdom.”
Circe Nightshade: She’s a dark destroyer of men and empires… and we used to go to tennis camp together.
Azrael Abyss: But her family moved away last summer. Rrrrrraaryyeee! Please welcome-
Circe and Azrael: Countess Cabuella!
Azrael Abyss: Come on in… Come on in… Come on in… Come on in… Come on in…
Circe Nightshade: It’s a dark, dark delight to see you again Cabuella! There’s been a void in my soul ever since your dad got transferred to that marketing job in the Hardrock Cafe.
Countess Cabuella: Yes, Circy, parting is such a fiendish little slice of death! But Countess Cabuella was actually pretty phyched to get out of Tampa. Orlando is much more sinister.
Circe Nightshade: Well, Tampa’s pretty sinister too! It’s at least as sinister as Clearwater, or Tarpon Springs!
Azrael Abyss: Ooooohhhh! Yes! It’s very sinister! They just opened a water-slide park downtown, a very macabre water-slide park!
Countess Cabuella: Don’t make me laugh! Ha. Orlando is much more sinister. Tampa’s Goth scene is lame. It’s pretty much just you two and that weird guy Azriel works with a Cinnabuns!
Azrael Abyss: Gordy’s a creature of the night!
Countess Cabuella: No, Gordy is a 32-year-old Eagle Scout that rides a Huffy!
Azrael Abyss: Eeeeeeeyaaaaa!
Circe Nightshade: Well, Cabuella, we can’t all live in Orlando and do dark things like work part-time at the Epcot Center!
Countess Cabuella: I only do that to pay for the clothes, Stephanie!
Azrael Abyss: Ooooo-Eeeee-Ooooo-Yeeeeaaa.
Circe Nightshade: My name is not Stephanie! It’s Circy Nightshade, Denise! And anyway you can shove Orlando! I’m a hundred times more Goth than you are and I always have been!
Countess Cabuella: Yeah, you were real Goth when you modeled pajamas for Pic-and-Save.
Circe Nightshade: Oh, yeah, well you sure were the Dark Mistress of the Night when you… lip-synched to Ace of Base in our 8th grade talent show!
Azrael Abyss: So, Countess Cabuella, you’ve brought a clip of your show with you. Does it need a setup?
Countess Cabuella: Sure, this is a clip of my show: “Black Magic Kingdom,” a show about real Goth. Something Circe wouldn’t know anything about.
Circe Nightshade: Well, let’s see then.. [ inserts tape ] Behold: The voluptuous horror of Cabuella.
[ tape shows Countess Cabuella singing Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” ]
Circe Nightshade: Uhhhh, huh! Yeah, you were really Goth, Cabuella!
Countess Cabuella: You #*$%&!! Where’d you get that?
Circe Nightshade: You’re the #*$%&!!
Countess Cabuella: You’re a #*$%&!!
Circe Nightshade: You’re a #*$%&!!
Azrael Abyss: All right, the evening has come to a close-
Glen: Oh man! My car! I left my car…
Azrael Abyss: Until next time…Stay out of the daylight!
Dr. John Gray…..Norm MacDonald Woman…..Sarah Michelle Geller Man…..Will Ferrell
Dr. John Gray: Women talk to discover how they’re feeling.. through the process. And men, we talk to convey information. We’re like, “I want that football!”
[ cut to a man and a woman ]
Woman: John Gray helped us in our relationship. Now I know that Craig needs time to do his man things.
[ cut to Dr. John Gray ]
Dr. John Gray: We men will be working under the bonnet of our cars, and we’ll be like, “I have to change a tire! And.. and.. test the oil!”That’s what we men like to do. We like to go to our woodshops.. and saw a big.. two-by-fours.. and make ourselves a nice.. moosehead. That’s what we men do.
[ cut to the man and woman ]
Man: I need to be alone sometimes, and she didn’t understand that.
Woman: Then I heard the tape. And now I know he needs his football. And his wood.
[ cut to Dr. John Gray ]
Dr. John Gray: Women like to have things look pretty. They’ll have some irises and Queen-Annes lace, to create a spectacular floral arrangement. But we men, we will come home from work, and we’re like, “I want a steak! And a nice charming bottle of Merlaeux, and.. I’m a man! I need to watch my Monday evening football! Notre Dame is playing tonight! Give me my cup of beer!” Because football, is like a war. Think about it: we march down the field, we men, and we.. throw our long bomb. And marching, and bombs, are used in war. And.. pinks, and what-nots..
[ cut to the man and woman ]
Woman:Now I know that Craig needs to pretend he’s an Army man, and shoot grenades at the football guys. Which is why I give him time to do that.
Man: And she gives me that time, even though I’d rather spend it with her.
[ cut to Dr. John Gray ]
Dr. John Gray: One thing we men love.. is women. Am I right? That’s one thing all men love – big, curvy women, with their wonderful fannies. Big, wonderful fannies, don’t we love that, Men? Fannies and chests, that’s what we men love!
[ cut to the man and woman ]
Woman: John Gray taught me that there’s two kinds of men – Chest Men, and Fanny Men. [ whispering ] And Craig’s a Fanny Man!
Man: Yeah, I’m a.. huge Fanny Man.
Woman: I also learned that, besides the football, they love watching the punching guys.
Man: You mean Boxing.
Announcer: Finally, John Gray puts relationships in perspective, with his famous section on Hunting.
[ cut to Dr. John Gray ] Dr. John Gray: Men are hunters. We go to the woods, bestooned in the expressive flannels and sporty trousers. And we go there, we want to hunt our bears, and leopards, and elephants, and what-not.. with our big.. guns. We also like to chop wood, with an ax! And, of course, we like to wear a mesh t-shirt, because it gets hot out there, you know.. Then we’ll drink a, you know, a nice glass of lemonade, or soda.. because we have to be men!
Verne Lundquist: Not since Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding have weseen such firece rivalry between two Olympic hopefuls. Today, MichelleKwan and Tara Lipinsky go head-to-head on the Road to Nagano! Hi, I’mVerne Lundquist, and joining me this afternoon is a man who knows a little something about figure skating – 1988 Olympic gold medalist, Brian Boitano.
Brian Boitano: Vern, I’m practically pulling my hair out withexcitement! These two champions – Kawn and Lipinsky – are like two blossoming flowers waiting to be picked. [ casually puts his arm around Verne ] Come Olympics time, there will only be one flower in that golden vase!
Verne Lundquist: Rarely have I seen two skaters more evenly matched technically and artistically.
Brian Boitano: Verne, their talent scares me to death. Itfrightens me to death!
Verne Lundquist: Let’s go to Michelle Kwan, as she’s about to start her short program!
[ cut to video footage of Michelle Kwan ice-skating ]
Brian Boitano: There she is, she’s just electrifying! Look at her, she’s having a lot of fun out there. I can’t believe her triple-toe lift! You know, Verne, usually execution is everything, but tonight it’s all about skating from the heart.
[ cut back to Brian and Verne ]
Verne Lundquist: Kwan’s seven perfect scores last week proved that her U.S. title was no fluke.
Brian Boitano: Michelle Kwan is flawless today, Verne, and her perfection makes me question my own inadequacies.
[ Kerri Strug walks past ]
Kerri Strug: Hi, Verne! Surprised to see me?
Brian Boitano: Why, hello, Kerri. Folks, joining us, Kerri Strug.
Kerri Strug: I thought you might need an Olympic specialist. Well, the doctor is in!
Brian Boitano: Kerri, you’ve experiecned the joy they call Olympics. What can Michelle Kwan expect to encounter?
Kerri Strug: Take it from me, Brian – Olympic competitioncan be pretty.. [ winces ] ..stressful. But it’s not quite asstressful as trying to find a way to make a living now.
Verne Lundquist: Well, I’m sure you’ll do fine, Kerri. Once achampion, always a champion!
Kerri Strug: Thanks. Verne, if Michelle Kwan and Tara Lipinsky can stay focused, 1998 will be the best Winter Olympics of all! Go U.S.A.! [ jumps and injures her knee ] Ow!
Verne Lundquist: Wow.. Michelle Kwan’s main competition, Tara Lipinsky, took an unexpected and disappointing fall in the U.S. Championship last week. The question is, can Tara Lipinsky mentally recover in time for Nagano?
Brian Boitano: Well, we’re about to find out, Verne, because joining us right now is Tara Lipinsky. [ Tara saunters forward, puffing on a cigarette ] Girlfriend, now you know that I think you’re Katarina Witt, Aksana Viule, and Elvis Stojko all rolled into one. But I also know from experiecne that the fall like the one you took can be devestating. How are you?
Tara Lipinsky: How am I?! How do you think I am?! I fell on national television! I worked my as off to become world champion, and now I’m this close to blowing my whole skating career! I only fell! It’s not like I choked my coach!
Brian Boitano: Tara, your fourth element – the Triple Flip – every time I see it, I think the same: That girl can skate!
Tara Lipinsky: Is that all you can come up with, Brian? I guess you don’t have to be that smart to be a commentator.
Brian Boitano: Ouch! Bring out the cat-scratching post.
Verne Lundquist: Or perhaps a dish of milk! Tara, I understand that one of your idols is Nancy Kerrigan.
Tara Lipinsky: Sure. She was my idol.. until I fell. But now Iknow how it is to be the underdog, which is why my new idol is Tonya Harding. I hung out with Jeff Gillooly, and, take it from me, he’s good people.
Verne Lundquist: Good people.
Brian Boitano: Tara, seeing you like this, two words come to mind: True Champion.
Loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen – Tara Lipinsky.
Tara Lipinsky: [ stomps out her cigarette ] Damn! I gotta go skate! [ glides away ]
Verne Lundquist: Tara Lipinsky. Clearly not herself today.
Brian Boitano: But looking fabulous as ever. And here she goes.
[ cut to Tara preparing to skate on the ice, as her theme song, “Bad to the Bone” starts to play. On the ice, Tara flashes her ass to the judges and drinks a beer ]
Tara Lipinsky: What the hell are you looking at?! [ sticks up her middle finger toward the judges ]
Brian Boitano: Tara Lipinsky. Making our team proud.
Verne Lundquist: She certainly does. See you in Nagano!
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]
Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]
Colin Quinn: Good evening, I’m Colin Quinn. Idon’t see why there should be any problem.
It was announced this week that NBC will spendthirteen million dollars an episode for the hospitaldrama “ER.” Meanwhile, on the set of “Chicago Hope,”the cast is anxiously awaiting the arrival of theirnew soda machine. …
[Photo of presidential accuser Paula Jones] Clintonsat across from Paula Jones today, as he gave hisdeposition in her sexual harassment suit. He said, “Inever exposed myself to this woman. The woman Iexposed myself to was kind of skanky, with a badperm.” [Photo of a younger, frizzier Paula Jones] …[applause] Ah!
[Photo of elderly John Glenn] NASA announced that,next fall, former astronaut John Glenn will once againorbit the earth. The senator, now 77, says he’s readyfor another venture into the unknown. I would say he’spretty close to that anyway. … He’ll be the firstman to break his hip in space. …
FOX got the rights to the NFC, CBS got the rights tothe AFC, and NBC retains the rights to all of EdMarinaro’s TV movies. [Photo of former NFL runningback turned actor Ed Marinaro] …
After twenty-seven years of broadcasting “Monday NightFootball,” Frank Gifford was replaced by BoomerEsiason. Let me tell you something. If you lose yourjob to a guy named Boomer, you are a Jeff Foxworthyjoke waiting to happen. …
Christian Slater, currently serving a ninety day jailsentence, was released for one night to attend thepremiere of his new film, “Hard Rain.” Twenty minutesinto the movie, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted backto his cell. … [applause]
[Photos of two crooks] In New York this week, threegunmen stole 1.6 million from the World Trade Centerin broad daylight. On their way out, they took theirmasks off in front of thirty security cameras and thenwent home and hung out in their neighborhood wherethey were later arrested. Authorities say they wereeasy to spot because of their distinctive walk –caused by their huge balls. … [applause] On atrue personal note, these guys grew up in myneighborhood. I knew these guys. I went to school withone of these guys — the one that went to school. But,you know … The years go by, you lose touch, you goyour separate ways, but it all works out — here weare all these years later working together on TV. …I knew them, I swear.
South Korea elected a Roman Catholic President lastweek. You know what that means: no dog on Friday. …[groans] Ah, I guess I won’t be going to my local delitonight for anything.
Saw the Spice Girls on “Letterman” — they had backupsingers. Hey, I don’t want to judge anybody but ifthere are five of you and you just sing and don’t playinstruments and you need backup singers — there’ssomething wrong. … [applause]
[Headline: “Walter E. Diemer; Inventor of Bubble Gum”]The inventor of bubble gum died this week. His bodywas found stuck under a movie seat. … [Colin ismomentarily confused by a switch of cameras]Oh!
Karla Faye Tucker is scheduled to be the first womanin this century to be executed. This woman committedmurders with a pickax and said she had an orgasm everytime she struck. First of all, I’m sure she was fakingsome of those. … Second of all, you have to feel badfor this woman ‘cuz I read in the L.A. Times she was arunaway, she had a drug habit when she was ten, andshe toured with the Allman Brothers when she wasthirteen. I mean, think about that, all right? You’rethirteen years old, you still smell like baby powder,you’re suppose to be playin’ “Spin the Bottle.”Instead, you’re in a tour bus, Greg Allman steals yourdiary, reads it out loud, everybody’s laughin’ at you.You have your first period, there’s no one to tellexcept Dickey Betts. He’s like, [Dickey Bettsimpression:] “Miss, this is a beautiful moment in ayoung girl’s life, you know.” [zero response fromcrowd, Colin is momentarily flustered] Well, mm …[gestures to the crowd not to attempt pity applause]Nope. …
Roseanne and her third husband, Ben Thomas, aregetting a divorce. You know, if that couple ofwide-eyed, innocent kids couldn’t make it, what hopeis there for the rest of us? …
[Photo of Kevin Costner standing in front of a posterfor his horrible movie “The Postman.”] Actee! No moredirectee, no more writee, no more producee. Actee. …[cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank ah!
Recently released secret documents show that R. J.Reynolds used marketing techniques to attract littlekids to smoking. The most insidious plan they had wasto develop cigarettes that tasted like boogers. …But let’s face this, this has been going on for years.Remember gum cigarettes? Deviant behavior was muchmore acceptable when we were little. You know, you hadtoy cigarettes, toy guns, toy money. You’d takeBarbie’s top off, you play with her. Afterwards you’dsit around with a gum cigarette in your mouth. Youthrow her a Monopoly $20. “Here’s your money, baby,get out.” You know? …
Colin Quinn: Well, the Unabomber is undergoingpsychiatric examinations this week to determine if heis mentally competent to stand trial. Here, with acommentary on that, is Weekend Update’s newestcontributing editor, former Football Hall of Famer, O.J. Simpson.
[Cheers and applause for smartly-attired and extremelycheerful O. J. Simpson.]
O. J. Simpson: [very friendly, to Colin] Hey,man, how’s it goin’?
Colin Quinn: Uh, okay.
O. J. Simpson: [big smile] Yeah, you’re allright, man. … [to the camera] Now, is Ted Kaczynskimentally competent to stand trial for murder? Well,when making that determination, you have to look atthe motives for the alleged crimes. Now, let’s for amoment, say that the Unabomber DID kill numerousunsuspecting strangers by mailing them letter bombs.If that’s true, it would mean that he only did itbecause he loved them very, very much. … You see?Now, there are other examples of this in the news. Forinstance, Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh. Now, thisis not a case about a bomb blowin’ up a building. Thisis a case about two guys who just loved the buildingso much, they had to blow it up! You know?
Now, if we look back in history, there are otherexamples of this. Now, take for instance, Hiroshimaand Nagasaki. Yeah. Now, the United States didn’t dropthe bomb on those cities to end the war. They did itbecause they loved the Japanese people too much. Now,if in fact the United States DID drop the bomb onHiroshima and Nagasaki, which no one has proven — …In fact, I have two detectives workin’ full time tosolve that one. … And I promise you all, Iwill not rest until the real bombers are found.
Now, history has shown us on more than one occasionthat, uh, if you love something, it is okay to killit. … Like, for instance, the Titanic.
Colin Quinn: What do you mean?
O. J. Simpson: Well, you know, the iceberg –he loved the Titanic, you know? Now, if that icebergdid not love that ship, it could have never ripped theside of the ship and sink it. Now, how ’bout the Ebolavirus?
Colin Quinn: What are you talkin’ about?…
O. J. Simpson: Well, Colin, the Ebola virusloves flesh too much. That’s why it kills. You know?But I don’t see people suing the Ebola virus andtakin’ away its Heisman Trophy. … You know? Idon’t see people, you know, makin’ the Ebola virusmove to a smaller home in Brentwood. They don’t yell”Murderer!” at the Ebola virus whenever it goes andplays a round of golf. I mean, what kind of place dowe live in where a black man acquitted of murder can’tenjoy a nice, quiet dinner at a restaurant? Meanwhile,the Ebola virus is over at the other table, laughin’it up and eatin’ prime rib and enjoyin’ the company oftwo hot blondes, you know? … I don’t get it — but Iguess that’s America.
[turns to Colin, dead serious] You know what, Colin? Ilove you, man. …
Colin Quinn: [Colin doesn’t like the sound ofthat, after a pause] O. J. Simpson, everyone.
O. J. Simpson: [over the cheers and applause]Come on, baby.
Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, and that’s thestory I’m going with. Good night.
Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri Glenn Close…..Ana Gasteyer Meredith Viera…..Molly Shannon Star Jones…..Tracy Morgan Debbie Matenopoulus…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
[ background music starts ]
[ The View logo ]
[ hosts enter and sit at the table ]
Meredith Viera: Good morning, Im Meredith Viera and welcome to The View. We got a fabulous show today, right ladies?
Barbara Walters: Sure, we do Meredith. We surely do.
Meredith Viera: Okay, lets take a look at the news. Paula Jones went face to face with president Clinton today. He gave his disposition regarding her sexual harassment suit. Now Star, youre a lawyer…
Star Jones: Yes I am. Now President Clinton allegedly exposed himself to Ms. Jones and allegedly asked for sex and allegedly Ms. Jones said no, was disappointed the president, allegedly.
Barbara Walters: You know I was paired with Paula Jones in a three legged race in Larry Kings fourth of July barbecue bash and she assured me that President Clintons member had more twist and turns than a curly fries at Arbys.
[ audience laughs ]
Barbara Walters: It’s true.
Debbie Matenopoulus: Well, I just dont understand what the big deal is. I mean if a guy whips it out, you just have to be assertive and say like hey dont whip it out, you know?
Barbara Walters: You are very young Debbie… very very young.
Meredith Viera: [ clears throat ] Alright, this next story is amazing. A Chicago physicist, Richard Seed wants to open a clinic that would clone human babies. Amazing, right?
Star Jones: Now allegedly, hes going to clone a baby by the year 2000 and what this means is that hes gonna take a baby and using science hell make an identical baby to that baby really really soon
Barbara Walters: You know there are three people that I would clone. Albert Einstein, Diana princess of Whiz and Hugh Downs, my co-host this week on 20/20.
Debbie Matenopoulus: Well, if I had a clone Id make out with myself. I’m just kidding.
Barbara Walters: Do not speak again.
Meredith Viera: Our guest today is a big star. She is one of the big actresses in the world allegedly. Please welcome my girl, Glenn Close.
[ Glenn enters and sits down ]
[ everyone speaking at the same time ]
Star Jones: You are one of the whitest woman I’ve ever seen.
Glenn Close: I’m delighted to be here!
Barbara Walters: Glenn you have done so much, acted in award winning films, performed on Broadway only. One question remains… what do you think of me?
Glenn Close: Well Barbara, I admire you tremendously I’ve always
Star Jones: Oh oh! You know what I have to ask you about… I wanna ask you about that scene in the big chair, where you let your husband get that other lady pregnant. I could not do that, cause I am a do right woman and I’d have to have me a do right man.
[ everyone agrees ]
Meredith Viera: Oh, I have a question about John Malkovich.
Glenn Close: Whats that?
Meredith Viera: He is so sexy, uhh…
Glenn Close: Whats the question?
Meredith Viera: Oh, speaking of questions, it’s time for the question of the day. Okay, todays question comes from Marilyn Kimble of Tulsa, Oklahoma and, Glenn, this question should be really good for you. If you could change one thing about your face, what would it be?
Glenn Close: Well, uh… nothing. This face has served me very well… I think woman need to embrace the uniqueness of their flaws, wouldnt you all agree?
[ everyone is silent ]
[ everyone speaking at the same time ]
Star Jones: I would tell those doctors to suck some of these fats out of my neck.
Meredith Viera: Well thank you Glenn for coming by…
Glenn Close: Thats it?
Debbie Matenopoulus: Oh my GOD. You know what I just realized? You’re the mean lady from the 101 Dalmatians.
Glenn Close: Cruela Devile. Yes, Cruela Devile.
Debbie Matenopoulus: Now I know who you are! [ short pause ] You’re evil!
Barbara Walters: Stand over there. Go, stand over there
[ Debbie stands up ]
Barbara Walters: Quicker.
[ Debbie stands at the corner ]
Meredith Viera: Stick around. In our next segment, well be talking about female circumcision with Naomi Judd.
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: February 7th, 1998 John Goodman Paula Cole Dan Aykroyd
Paula Cole, “I Don’t Want To Wait”
Lewinsky/Tripp Luncheon Linda Tripp (John Goodman) conceals wiretap from Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon). Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp, Bob Dole.
Blues Brothers Monologue Mighty Mack (John Goodman) & Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd) sing “Looking for A Fox”. Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Mighty Mack.
Morning Latte Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.
Clinton/Moses In Biblical times, Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) questions adultery commandment. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.
Eye On Nagano Michelle Kwan (Molly Shannon) dislikes being mistaken as Japanese.
Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell Gary the Bass Player…..John Goodman Kenny the Keyboard Player…..Tim Meadows
Neil: Hello, everyone. They told me before I came on this show, that I was supposed to tell the stories behind my most popular songs, and then play them. I said, “Cool let’s do it!” But, Gary over here was a little shy..
Gary the Bass Player: Now, come on, Neil, give me a break, man.
Neil: Ah, ha ha ha ha! This first song.. [ Kenny the Keyboard Player intros “Sweet Caroline”, crowd applauds ] Thank you. That, of course, “Sweet Caroline”. I wrote that song after a big show at the Forum. Gary and I had been drinking pretty heavily, and we were driving..
Gary: [ worried ] Oh, I can’t believe you’re gonna tell this story..
Neil: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. [ the crowd is stunned ] So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And, two hours later, I wrote “Sweet Caroline”. Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you.
[ crowd struggles to applaud, still stunned by the story ]
Neil: It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That’s why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely-legal pornography. Gary knows what I’m talking about.
Gary: Yeaaahhh, he likes that really weird porno you can’t send through the mail. I’ll be honest. It ain’t cool, it creeps out the whole band.
Neil: Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. [ Kenny intros “Cracklin’ Rosie” ] Oh, Cracklin’ Rose, get on board. We’re gonna ride ’til there ain’t no more to go. We’re takin’ it slow. Let’s all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard! [ crowd barely applauds ] Uh, I can’t quite remember how that one goes. I-I gotta admit, I’m a little high. Kenny over here gave me some dynamite pills.
Kenny the Keyboard Player: Hey, come on, man..
Neil: Hey! Cool out! Just everyone cool out. COOL OUT!! [ pause ] This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [ Kenny intros “America” ] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreignors. Right, Gary?
Gary: Leave me out of this, man.
Neil: NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! [ back to story ] Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin, led me to write this. On the boats and on the trains. They’re coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can! You hate your keyboard player because he’s black! Never had the courage to tell him sooo—AAUUGGHH!! AAUUGGH!! OW!!
Kenny: Hey, man, you’re a wreck!
Neil: Ow! Come on.. I think I tore some stitches. Come on, Gary, help me out..
Gary: No, that’s enough, Neil, man, you gotta chill out.
Neil: I’ll smack you in the mouth, I’m Neil Diamond!
Kenny: Okay, that’s it, I’m gone. That’s it. [ Kenny and members of the crowd exit ]
Neil: Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection. [ more members of the crowd exit ] Forever in blue jeans.. Where you goin’? Do the best you can. Reach for the stars like a champion. John Elway finally won—AAUUGGHH!!I put clown make-up on my penis, blue jeans.AAUUGGHH, AAUUGHH!!
Gary: Neil, Neil.. Come on, it’s over. Let’s go, buddy.
Neil: Ow! My heart! My, my ass! My heart and ass hurt. [ Gary pulls Neil off the stage, fade to title ]
Announcer: [ Music Outro: “I Am..I Said” ] This has been VH-1 Storytellers, with Neil Diamond.
Air Date:
Portishead, “Only You”
Paula Cole, “I Don’t Want To Wait”
