Category: 1998

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

VH-1 Behind the Music: Captain & Tennille

The Captain…..Ed Norton
Toni Tennille…..Drew Barrymore

Toni Tenille: We first met in 1967.

The Captain: Yeah, and we thought we were making perfectly good music back then. We were very happy with our career, and then we heard Seargeant Pepper’s.

Toni Tenille: It just blew our mind.

The Captain: I just remember listening to that record over and over again, thinking, “How am I ever gonna make something as good as Seargeant Pepper’s?” And then it hit me: I’ll get a captain’s hat and put on this yachting jacket and start making everyone call me “The Captain”.

Toni Tenille: It was a brilliant ploy – a captain is just like a seargeant. They’re both in the Armed Forces – of music.

The Captain: Yeah! Anyway, we still didn’t know if we were going to make anything as terrific as Seargeant Pepper’s, but, as it turned out, we did.

Toni Tenille: Yeah, we did.

The Captain: It’s over now, but we’ll always have that. [ hears snickering ] Why are they laughing?

Toni Tenille: They’re not laughing.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
…..Chris Kattan

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn! Thanks, folks. Thank you.

This week, Paula Jones announced that she and her husband are separating. One of the disagreements has been over the– how to spend the money Jones received in her settlement from Pl – President Clinton. She wants to spend it on clothing and jewelry, and he wants a new set of tires for the house. [some applause]

Boris Yeltsin’s prosecutor-general is at the center of a sex scandal. A Russian TV station showed a videotape of Yuri Skuratov naked in bed with two prostitutes. We here at “Weekend Update” have an exclusive photo of Skuratov. [doctored photo of Bill Clinton with a mustache and furry Russian hat; cheers and applause]

In an interview published this week in the British newspaper Express, Monica Lewinsky said she was upset that people seem to believe her relationship with President Clinton was a one-way affair. Monica, you performed oral sex on him, and then he ate a pizza. That’s a one-way affair.

The Energy Department is asking the Senate this week for an eight-million-dollar budget increase to beef up security at U.S. nuclear laboratories. Security at one of the labs was so lax, a group of hip-looking teenagers was able to slip past the guards by flashing a pack of Mentos.

At court-martial proceedings this week, Major General David Hale was ordered to pay 22,000 dollars for committing adultery with the wives of four of his subordinates. That’s only 5,000 apiece. If Paula Jones is worth 850,000, what do they look like?…I know, that’s…Hale, you’re all right.

White House drug czar Barry McCaffrey [one audience member cheers] said Wednesday [stops and looks at the cheering audience member]…that despite new reports about the benefits of marijuana smoking, it is still an illegal drug and would remain so. After the announcement, McCaffrey drove off in his limited edition Marlboro truck. [scattered applause]

A group of travel journalists have voted Niagara Falls as the best location to celebrate the millennium. The worst location? Sitting between David Arquette and Robin Williams at Howie Mandel’s New Year’s party.

All right, let me tell you how crooked boxing is. Last night, HBO replayed the Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis fight–Holyfield knocked him out in the fourth. [cheers and applause]

During an international tournament in Manhattan this week, Maurice Ashley has become the first African-American chess grandmaster [one audience member applauds] in history. [one audience member cheers] Proving once again that blacks are just better athletes.

Before their game on Tuesday, the New Jersey Nets got a pep talk from motivational speaker Tony Robbins. The Nets lost anyway, and Robbins was immediately traded to Milwaukee for Deepak Chopra.

Over the last month, Hillary Clinton has been questioning prominent New York Democrats in an effort to size up her chance for a possible run at the U.S. Senate. Here to lend his support to the idea, President Bill Clinton.

[pan over to Bill]

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Colin. I make no secret of the fact that I think my wife would make one fine United States senator. I only wish I could kinda get back on the campaign trail and help her, but I know, even though we love each other dearly, she would like me to sit this one out….And I understand. I don’t want to get in the way of her important work, which, if she’s elected, will begin January 1st, 2001. Mark it on your calendar. I know I will. [laughs briefly, then turns serious]…Oh sure, it’ll be hard, knowin’ my wife is a thousand miles away in New York City, me, all alone in my state. Just some dogs and a maid or two to keep me company….I was thinking maybe I’d build a mini-bar and a waterbed for when she c-came to visit. Of course, I’ll be visiting her a lot in New York. The only sad part is, while Hillary’s down in Washington, I’ll just have to find some way to occupy my time. Heck, I bet there’s lots of stuff for a guy like me to do in New York City. Waitin’ around, for the love of my life. You see, Colin? Even though it’ll be hard for me not to be a big part of Hillary’s new life, I’ll make do. I’ve always found things to do when she’s not around!…[shakes tie] And once again…[cheers and applause, then makes hand signals, nods, then gives a thumbs up]

Once again, if she gets elected, she won’t be around starting January the 1st, 2001. For those of you who want to know, I’ll be alone, and very [shakes tie] sad in my…Arkansas house startin’ then. The mongoose has freed the snake. Please! New York! I’m begging you! [makes hand signals] Vote Hillary in 2000. [laughs, then gives a thumbs up; cheers and applause] I love you all.

Colin: President Clinton, everybody! President Clinton!

Well, the big controversy at tomorrow night’s Academy Awards will be the awarding of a lifetime achievement award to director Elia Kazan, who informed on friends during the Communist scare of the 1950s. Kazan stands by his actions, and says he has the support of his colleagues, as well as his new girlfriend. [photo of Linda Tripp]

The former president of Ecuador was jailed this week on corruption charges that claim he invaded the Ecuadorian payroll with over a thousand phantom employees. He will be extradited to New York, where he will immediately be made chop stew at the JABIT Center.

This week, Britain granted citizenship to residents of its overseas territories, including Bermuda and the British Virgin Islands. The happy new citizens then went back to their life of standing outside a barbed wire fence watching people at Club Med do Jell-O shots.

Floyd Hooker, an Oswego hotel janitor, won 45 million dollars in the New York State Lottery this week, and said that it’s probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to him. Probably the greatest thing. Really, you sure you want to step out on a limb like that, Floyd?…I thought the greatest thing that happened was the time you got that drumstick at the Salvation Army Thanksgiving dinner. Now listen to me, old man: I want you to take that money and go to South Beach, and find the purest bag of coke and the most violent Brazilian transvestite you can, and I want you to bleed and cry and urinate, and then cry some more over your lawsuit– my lawsuit, and then I want you to come home and kill all your hunting buddies. [some applause]

Sony Records…Sony Records and the Vatican have joined forces and are releasing Alma Pater, a CD-ROM and music video featuring Pope John Paul reciting p-psalms and singing. The high point of the video is when the Pope tears up a picture of Sinead O’Connor. [applause]…Payback?

Four Amish teens were arrested this week for smashing 44 windows and overturning buggies during a rampage at the home of an Amish farmer. The boys were easily captured by police because they move like molasses….Let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than a drunken Amish kid, they’re in your face all night rambling on and on about apple butter.

Marilyn Manson cancelled some shows this week after twisting an ankle. Huh. Apparently the Antichrist doesn’t have as high a threshhold of pain as you might think!

A judge this week threw out a Louisiana law that had made consensual oral and anal sex a felony in the state. In other words, my trip to New Orleans is back on! [cheers and applause]

Jm J. Bullock was arrested in West Hollywood…for possession of the illegal drug crystal meth. He was released on 10,000 dollars bail and now faces up to two years in prison. Although there’s talk his lawyer might plea bargain it up to four years.

Olivia D’Abo, the big sister on “The Wonder Years,” will play Neve Campbell’s love interest on three episodes of “Party of Five” when Campbell’s character, Julia, enters into a lesbian affair. Looks like that night I’m gonna be having my own little [holds up right hand and wiggles fingers] party of five! [cheers and applause]…Oh!…Yes.

Now here with a commentary on contemporary music, is Weekend Update’s own musicologist, Chris Kattan!

[pan over to Chris]

Chris Kattan: Thank you, Colin. Uh, now, as we all know, music is a huge part of our lives. It’s an essential component in the woven fabric of society. Now every so often, a song comes along that changes the way we think about the world we live in. And I’m here to talk about one of those songs. It’s simply an incredible work. It’s called “Believe.” And the composer is Cher. Now, for those who haven’t heard it, I’d like to explain what it means to me….[motions off-camera] Music.

[the song “Believe” by Cher begins playing; Chris gets increasingly caught up in the song as it plays]

Listen. [lights dim to blue]…You hear that? It’s like you’re floating. Don’t be afraid! Sometimes joy is scary! It feels like you’re flying, doesn’t it? Wait, listen!…Ooh, what was that? Did you hear that? Wait, wait…it’s like a – it’s like a – an electronic angel or something! It’s telling you…it’s telling you it’s gonna be all right. Wait, wait, wait! Uh-oh! What’s that? I feel like I’m flying in a cloud or something. Doesn’t it feel like that? Don’t try so hard! Don’t push! You can’t break through, ’cause you can’t force anything! You just feel it! Let the music touch you! [to Colin] You can smile if you want to! [Colin smiles] You can smile, [back to audience] don’t fight it! Say “yes” to your new friend! This ain’t “Call and Answer”! Go– okay, get ready, get ready! Something’s happening! What’s happening?

[at this point, the song is at its chorus; Chris leans back with his arms spread out]

…BELIEVE! [gasps] It’s not strong enough! It’s okay! You know why? Because you need to… [spreads arms out again] BELIEVE!

Colin: All right! Stop the music! [music stops, lights return to normal]

Chris: Well, Colin? How did it feel? Huh?

Colin: It felt like I was listening to Cher. What’s the big deal?

Chris: Oh, I get it, okay. You don’t – you don’t believe. Well you know what, Colin? You’re a fool!

Colin: What?!

Chris: You’re an ignorant, stupid fool! You hide behind jokes, and o – uh, like a wall of quips, and your cute little “Hi! I’m funny, I’m the news guy!” your little take on the news! Th – o – th – th – th – th- tha! That’s safe! That’s okay! But you know what? Sometimes it’s not always about feeling safe. Sometimes you just have to…

[the song starts up again on the word “believe”; lights dim back to blue]

Col, listen! Let it touch you! It’s not hard! Smile! Stand up! [stands up on the desk] Stand up…

Colin: No!

Chris: …and fly with me! STOP HIDING! [slams hand on the desk twice] STOP HIDING! IF IT HELPS YOU, YOU CAN MOISTEN YOUR FINGER AND [rubs his nipple with his finger] RUB YOUR NIPPLE IF YOU WANT TO! GET UP HERE AND FLY WITH ME! [extends his hand to Colin] TAKE MY HAND!

Colin: No!

Chris: TAKE IT, YOU STUPID ASS! [stomps on the desk three times] TAKE MY HAND! [rubs his nipple] RUB YOUR NIPPLE! [spreads his arms] FLY WITH ME! FLY AND JOIN ME! [cheers] JOIN ME NOW!

[louder cheers and applause as Chris dances and sways to the music]

Colin: [giving up] All right! [Chris stops moving] I’m not getting on the desk, but I believe.

Chris: YOU BELIEVE? HE BELIEVES! [cheers and applause] HE BELIEVES! [jumps into Colin’s lap and embraces him]

Colin: Chris Kattan, everybody! Chris Kattan!

Chris: HE BELIEVES!

Colin: I’m Colin Quinn! That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

Chris: HE BELIEVES! [leans back and lies his head on the desk]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 10th, 1999

John Goodman

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

Tina Fey

Paula Pell

Lorne Michaels
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: After getting in trouble for saying something truthful for once, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) announces he’ll go back to lying in the future.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman tries to convince the audience that, despite the name recognition, tonight’s show is not a rerun.

Transcript

Adult Literacy ProgramSummary: 50-year old Arthur Dugan (John Goodman) may be illiterate, but he still “rules the school.”

Transcript

Shaun Mondavi VineyardsTranscript

CNN

Wrap It Up

Hello DollyRecurring Characters: Deana Nolan-Gray.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Tracy Morgan comment on the FUBU clothing line for black people. Collette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) comments on prescription drug use.

Recurring Characters: Collette Reardon.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Swingin'”

Springtime SantaRecurring Characters: Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus.

Happy Smile PatrolSummary: Pre-recorded children’s program is continuously interrupted by breaking news of a crime spree performed by its stars (Cheri Oteri, John Goodman, Will Ferrell) the night before.

Transcript

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Bun E. Carlos (Horatio Sanz).

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Room At The Top”

Cathouse Computer SystemSummary: A john (John Goodman) at a whorehouse is embarrassed by the installation of their new computer system.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Cathouse

Crystal…..Molly Shannon
“John”…..John Goodman
Candy…..Ana Gasteyer
Carletta…..Cheri Oteri
Randall…..Will Ferrell
“Nippleclips Seminary Student”…..Chris Parnell

[ open on interior, Southern cathouse ]

Crystal: Candy? This gentleman is ready to pay.

John: [ approaching main counter ] Okay, I’ll just give you the cash.. [ takes out his wallet ]

Candy: [ standing behind computer ] Oh, no.. we just got a new computer system, so it’ll just take a minute, okay? [ punches keyboard ] Hope I’m doing this right.. First, I enter my access code.. then, Crystal’s I.D. code..

Crystal: Uh.. 2-5-5-4.

Candy: [ types it in ] Got it. Okay, here we go: What services did you receive?

John: Uh.. I.. I’m not telling you what I got.

Candy: Well, it’s asking me to list services, and it won’t let me go to the next screen without it. Um.. I’ll just read the options, and you can tell me to stop when one sounds familiar, okay? They’re alphabetical – Accent.. Acrobat.. Ape Suit.. Ass-Play..

John: I.. uh.. I really don’t feel comfortable with this..

Crystal: Oh, and when did you get so shy, huh? [ to Candy ] I’ll tell you what we did. [ looks on computer ] Okay, scroll it down. Yes. Yes. No. Almost. Yes. Yes!

Candy: Okay. Now, can I have your zip code?

John: Uh.. listen, I’m at a cat-house, and I really don’t want to advertise it..

Candy: Okay, I don’t know what to do here, then. Hold on. Carletta!

Carletta: [ appearing in the doorway with her personal John ] Wot?

Candy: Okay, if this guy doesn’t want to give us his zip code, what do we do?

Carletta: Well, why doesn’t he have a zip code? Is he homeless? [ laughs ]

Crystal: No, he doesn’t want us to know where he lives.

Carletta: Well, did yew itemize the services?

John: Yes! Listen, I’m just gonna leave my $200 on the desk here.. [ places money down ]

Carletta: Wait! Let me see if Ah can figure this out hea-uh. [ to her personal John ] Humphrey, you go upstairs and heat up the wax. [ Humphrey exits upstairs, as she fixates on the computer ] Alright, did you get all the services listed hea-uh?

John: Yes.

Carletta: You did? Alright, now.. what’s annual sex?

Candy: Sorry, I spelled it wrong. I’m a prostitute, okay?

Carletta: Did I say anything? Okay, I think we can just use any zip code, now.. [ starts typing ] Just.. oh, crap! I done froze it up!

John: [ frustrated ] Oh, this is ridiculous!

Carletta: Okay, everyone, just simmer down now! I think the computer guy is still hea-uh. He’s in the back room with Bebe. Randall? Randall?

[ Randall, dressed in leather suit and mask, steps out ]

Candy: Randall, this guy doesn’t want to give us his zip code.

Randall: Well, this “guy” obviously doesn’t know how important accumalating data can be to a business.

John: Let me explain something to you: I’m feeling a lot of shame right now. I got drunk at a business lunch, I’m starting to sober up. I’m 800 miles from my beautiful wife and my three darling children. And I just spent our Six Flags money on awkward sex with a stranger.

Crystal: Yeah, it was pretty awkward.

John: I just want to pay someone for the horrible thing I’ve just done, and get out of here. So, could you please hurry the hell up?

Randall: Did the lovely Crystal, here, tell you to “hurry the hell up” while you were, uh.. [ looks at computer screen, clicks mouse ] ..acting out a paramedic fantasy?

John: No.

Randall: Okay. Then I think you can wait for two more minutes while we get you processed in our new system, okey-dokey?

John: Alright.

Randall: Alright, I may as well go through this again with everyone at once. Hey, everybody, could we just gather around, just run through this one more time? [ group gathers around ] Remember, try to think of what different Johns have in common – it’ll be much easier to organize your desktop. Uh.. now, we have a profile for Grumpy, here. He’s married, and it looks like he prefers ass-play, so we can go to create a new file, and let’s just call him “Back-Door Married”, okay? So, what’s his password?

Group: “Back-Door Married”.

Randall: Perfect. [ to John ] So, the next time that you come, you can use that as your password.

John: [ angry ] I’m never coming back! [ exits whorehouse ]

Nippleclips Seminary Student: [ enters, approaches desk ] Hi. Um.. “Nippleclips Seminary Student”.

Randall: Welcome back.

Nippleclips Seminary Student: Thank you.

Candy: [ on computer ] How do you spell “seminary”?

Randall: This would be a good time to show you SpellCheck..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. For the past two weeks, our nation, along with our NATO allies, have been involved in an effort to halt Serbian aggression in the former Yugoslav providence of Kosovo.Very early on, I was honest and forthright in saying we would not use ground troops under any circumstances. I was telling the truth. What a stupid idea! By taking away the ground troop option, I gave Serbian President Milosovich a golden opportunity to continue his reign of terror. There you go. First time I tell the truth during my six years in office, it screws everything up! [ bites his lip ]

You know, in my gut, I knew I should have kept lying. But my advisors told me to disregard my deepest personal convictions, and tell the truth. Frankly, the idea of telling the truth repulsed me. But they convinced me it would work this way. Everyone knows I’m a liar. So, when I said no ground troops, Milosovich eould then think, “Okay, Clinton’s a lair, so they are sending ground troops, I’m screwed, I’m gonna give up.” But no! He chose to believe me – why? Don’t you guys have CNN over there? You can’t believe what I say, I’m Bill Clinton!

Anyway, after reviewing the facts and consulting my spiritual advisor, I have determined that honesty is a bad policy. And I’m going back to my old style. So, everybody listen up – I will not send ground troops into that country, Kosovo. I will not! Serbia, listen up – I did not give orders to have Milosovich assassinated. I do not want his head on a stick. After he is gone, I have no intention of throwing a kick-ass all-night keg party in the Lincoln bedroom. And, later at that party, I will not go up to Kate, the new girl we hired, and I will not be wearing a fake moustache. And I will not say, “The President’s gone, my name is Matt, wanna fool around?” [ laughs ]

Whoa, the ol’ Willie is back! It feels so good!

Here’s some more honesty for you – people ask me, if Russia gets involved, will you bomb them? Let me say, that depends on what your definition of “bomb” is.

Finally, I will defy protocol and not start this show by saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” I will not!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Happy Smile Patrol

Harry Hugs…..Will Ferrell
Teddy Tickles…..John Goodman
Glenda Giggles…..Cheri Oteri
Cuddly Kevy…..Chris Kattan
Anchor…..Chris Parnell

[ open on montage footage of children’s program — balloons flying, dogs playing, etc. ]

Jingle:
“I like to be happy!
Do you like to be happy?
We like to be happy!
Happy Smile Patrol!”

[ each member of the group introduces themselves separately ]

Harry Hugs: Harry Hugs!

Teddy Tickles: Teddy Tickles!

Glenda Giggles: Glenda Giggles! [ she giggles ]

Cuddly Kevy: Cuddly Kevy!

Announcer: Today on “Happy Smile Patrol”: Making Friends With Smiles!

[ dissolve to the group sitting in the park ]

Cuddly Kevy: Hi, boys and girls!

Glenda Giggles: [ running up behind the group ] Welcome to the “Happy Smile Patrol”!

Teddy Tickles: Say, what’s the BESTEST way to make friends!

Harry Hugs: [ smiling ] That’s easy, silly! SMILES!! ‘Cause… [ starts singing ] “Other happy smiles are good / Like ice cream and puppies and tickles and fun!”

Together: SMILE POWER!!!

[ cut to “Special Report” graphic ]

Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast for a News 4 special report.

[ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]

Anchor: Good afternoon. Shocking and tragic news out of San Bernadino today. A beloved entertainer… is dead. [ graphic reveals actor Walter Kemp, AKA “Cuddly Kevy” ] Known to millions as “Cuddly Kevy” from the “Happy Smile Patrol”, Walter Kemp was found dead in the lauundry room of his apartment building, with a plastic dry cleaning bag over his head, surrounded by numerous crude drawings of naked men. Once again, TV’S “Cuddly Kevy”, a Vietname veteran, dead today. We return now to our regularly scheduled programming.

[ dissolve to black, then back up on “Happy Smile Patrol” as a yellow balloon fills the screen and Cuddly Kevy’s face appears from behind ]

Cuddly Kevy: Happy smiles!!

Teddy Tickles: Let’s have a smile contest!

Everyone: Yaayyyyy!!

Teddy Tickles: Ready? GO!!
br>[ everyone holds their tense smiles tightly in place for a few seconds ]

Cuddly Kevy: Wow! That was a great smile contest! Who won?

Glenda Giggles: Silly! EVERYONE wins when you have a smile contest!

[ they all laugh ]

[ cut to “Special Report” graphic ]

Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast for a News 4 special report.

[ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]

Anchor: An alert is in in effect in the tri-county area, as authorities are now searching for this woman: [ reveal mug shot of “Glenda Giggles” ] Brenda Panhauser, AKA Michelle Trent, AKA TV personality “Glenda Giggles.” Panhauser was arrested late last night at John Wayne Airport, when a cavity search revealed she was in possession of dozens of heroin-filled condoms. After being detained… [ show file fotage of “Glenda Giggles” dancing ] Panhauser, shown here as “Glenda Giggles”, lured a customs official into an airport bathroom, offering sex acts in exchange for her release. Then, at the moment of male orgasm, she apparently produced a razor blade from her mouth and cut his throat to the spine. Panhauser escaped, and is considered extremely dangerous. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming — the “Happy Smile Patrol” — currently in progress.

[ dissolve to black, then back up on “Happy Smile Patrol” as Glenda Giggles licks an oversized lollipop ]

Glenda Giggles: I like puppies just as much as I like rainbows!

[ cut over to Harry, Kevy, and Teddy sitting together ]

Teddy Tickles: [ tugging his wrists ] Gee! I wish I had bigger arms!

Harry Hugs: How come, Teddy Tickles?

Teddy Tickles: So I could hug the WHOLE WORLD!!

[ everyone “Awwws” ]

[ cut to “Special Report” graphic ]

[ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]

Anchor: Hello again. an apparent twist in the auto-erotic suicide of Walter Kemp. Police now believe that “Cuddly Kevy” was, in fact, murdered… by these men. [ reveal photo of “Teddy Tickles” and “Harry Hugs” in militia garb ] William Sorris and Allen Geyton, known to children everywhere as “Teddy Tickles” and “Harry Hugs” from the “Happy Smile Patrol”. Sorris is also known for murdering a federal judge, and for going to the top of Candy Cane Mountain in a balloon powered by happiness. Sorris and Geyton are the leaders of the group called The Eagle of Christ, which has been inked to a recent spate of hospital bombings. The two are currently hiding in the Black Hills, using bear traps and brush fires to hold off police and the National Guard. More as events unfold. We return now, unfortunately, to the “Happy Smile Patrol”.

[ dissolve to black, then back up on “Happy Smile Patrol” as the group dances and sings in a circle ]

[ cut to “Special Report” graphic ]

[ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]

Anchor: More developments, in what is now being referred to as “The Horror in the Hills.” Federalagents now believe that Brenda Panhauser, TV’s “Glenda Giggles”, has joined The Eagle of Christ at its secret Black Hills compound. Apparently, they’ve now taken a local church group hostage, and, without making any demands, have begun sending fingers and ears to authorities. Stay tuned for mroe developments, as we return to our regular programming — “Happy Smile Patrol.”

[ dissolve to black, then back up on “Happy Smile Patrol” as Teddy Tickles bounces up and down ]

Teddy Tickles: Who’s got a silly belly!

Everyone: You do!! You do!!

Teddy Tickles: I’ve got a silly belly!

Everyone: You do!! You do!!

[ cut to “Special Report” graphic ]

[ dissolve to Anchor in news studio ]

Anchor: A final, tragic note, in the terrifying deadly saga of the “Happy Smile Patrol.” William Sorris, Brenda Panhauser, and Allen Geyton — after shooting down an Army helicopter — have now taken their own lives. A SWAT team found them just moments ago, victims of self-mutilation and shotgun blasts to the face. Once again: “Teddy Tickles”, “Glenda Giggles”, and “Harry Hugs” have now taken their own lives, after a killing spree that claimed, among others, “Cuddly Kevy”. A tragic, tragic day. [ perks up ] We now return to the “Happy Smile Patrol”.

[ dissolve to black, then back up on “Happy Smile Patrol” as Teddy Tickles bounces up and down ]

Everyone: [ singing ] “And… that’s… why… we… love… smiiiiiiiiiiles!!!”

Harry Hugs: Bye, everybody!!

Teddy Tickles: Remember to keep smiling!! We’ll see you tomorrow!!

Everyone: BYE!!!!

[ title graphic appears over them ]

Announcer: The “Happy Smile Patrol” will not be seen tomorrow.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Adult Literacy Program

Teacher…..Tim Meadows
Arthur Dugan…..John Goodman
Adult Male #1…..Horatio Sanz
Adult Male #2…..Darrell Hammond
Adult Make #3…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior, Wilson High School ]

[ dissolve to interior hall sign: “Adult Literacy Program, Monday Nights 8pm” ]

[ dissolve to interior, adult literacy classroom ]

Teacher: Good evening, everyone. Uh — you should all be proud of yourselves for coming out here tonight. Adult illiteracy, uh — it isn’t an easy thing to admit. Huh?

[ murmurs of agreement from the adult students ]

Teacher: Yeah. But — with some hard work, determination, and the support of each other — at the end of the semester, you’ll be able to leave this classroom and say: “I can read.” [ he nods ] Yeah. Now, the first thing we’ll cover is — [ he is interrupted by a makeshift farting sound effect from the back of the classroom ] Uh — I’m sorry. What’s going on back there?

[ cut to Arthur Dugan, dressed in the style of a high school slacker with his hands pressed between his lips as he blows into them ]

Arthur Dugan: Come on, Teech! Ain’t you never heard nobody cut the cheeeeeeese?

Teacher: Uh — [ consults the class roster ] Who are you?

Arthur Dugan: My name’s Arthhur Dugan, and I’m your worst nightmare, Teacher-man! ‘Cause I ruuuuule… this schooooooll!

Teacher: Right. Uh, how old are you?

Arthur Dugan: Fifty!! [ flashes both hands five times ]

Teacher: Yeah. And you “rule” the, uh, adult literacy program?

Arthur Dugan: [ lowers his shades a tad ] Oh… yeeeeeeeaaahhhhh!!

Teacher: Meaning: you can’t read or write?

Arthur Dugan: [ lowers his shades a tad ] Oh… nooooooo!! Let’s just say the only word I know how to spell is PAR-TAAAAYYY!!

Teacher: Okay, uh — well, why don’t you spell “party” for us?

Arthur Dugan: [ tapping his pencil ] T! K! L! [ pause ] L! O! B! O! [ pinches his lower lip ] Yeeeeeaaaahh! [ raises both lips ] Caw!! [ plays air guitar ]

Teacher: Okay, well… it’s clear, Mr. Dugan, that you’ve got a lot of work to do, uh — which is what we’re all here for. So, why don’t we start out by sounding out osme alphabets, uh — starting with “A”.

Arthur Dugan: Yo, Teach!!

Teacher: Yeah?

Arthur Dugan: Do we, uh, have to know this for the test?

Teacher: Uh, no — you have to know this to learn how to read.

Arthur Dugan: [ fake-snores ] Well, wake me up when it’s over! I’m kickin’back and puttin’ on some tunes! [ flops his headphones over his ears ]

Teacher: Look, uh — this is a volunteer class, you don’t have to be here if you don’t want to.

Arthur Dugan: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no! [ his backwards cap falls off ] You ain’t gettin’ rid of this bad boy that easy. I got a REP to maintain, dude! [ he picks his cap off the floor ]

Teacher: Uh — and what is your rep?

Arthur Dugan: I’m a fifty-year-old father of three who can’t read! [ puts his cap back on his head ] And I rule… this… school!

Teacher: Alright, well, look — just try to be more respectful for the people around you, okay?

Arthur Dugan: What? What’s that? Uh — Geek Patrol, here?

Adult Male #1: [ insulted ] Geek Patrol? I drive a bus.

Adult Male #2: [ insulted ] I’m a veteran!

Adult Male #3: [ insulted ] I’m here because I want to better myself!

Arthur Dugan: [ makes foghorn sound effects ] NERD ALERT!! NERD ALERT!!

Teacher: Look, uh — Mr. Dugan, look, you’re being extremely insensitive. These people, they face hardships every day because they can’t read.

Arthur Dugan: Well, you know what they say: “If you can’t read, you better do… some serious… PAR-TEE-IN’!! [ mimes raising bottles back and forth from his lips ]

Teacher: [ deadpan ] No one’s ever said that.

Arthur Dugan: Well! Come on, now, let’s get goin’! [ lifts a small boombox onto his desk and hits Play ] Illiteracy Class of ’99 is lookin’ fine!! [ stands and dances to “Low Rider” by War ]

Teacher: You’re very sad, sir.

Arthur Dugan: That’s right! I’m sad because I can’t read! [ mimes rubbing tears from his eyes ] I can’t even read medicine labels! I once took Altoids for my high blood pressure! [ plays air guitar ]

Teacher: Look — I’m here to HELP YOU!

Arthur Dugan: Okay, let’s hear all the illiterate homies in the class say: “Yeeeaaa-eahhhh!!” [ performs a wave ] “Yeeeaaa-eahhhh!!” I was misdiagnosed as retarded when I was young, so no one bothered to teach me how to read! [ mimes rubbing tears from his eyes ]

Teacher: Look — I am going to teach you how to read!! I am going to do it!!

Arthur Dugan: Oh, yeah? You and what army? [ raises both lips ]

[ dissolve to still image of “Fundamentals of Reading” textbook, as text scrools ]

Narrator: “Arthur Dugan’s teacher worked with him for three long years, teaching him how to read. They started slow at first, with words like “dude”, “kegger”, and “booty”. Eventually they moved up to advanced phrases, like “Is it cool if I puke in this?” and “He who smelt it dealt it.” But finally, after three years of work, Arthur Dugan left that school as a proud, LITERATE jackass.”

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Shaun Mondavi Vineyards

Shaun Mondavi…..Will Ferrell
Robert Mondavi…..John Goodman
Mrs. Mondavi…..Molly Shannon

(Scenic views over a wine vineyard and a slow motion pour of red wine from a wine glass can be seen while Shaun Mondavi’s voice is heard.)

Shaun Mondavi V/O: Wine. There’s nothing like it. As Sir Edwin Malebar once wrote: It can elevate the soul.

Shaun Mondavi: Hi. I’m Shaun Mondavi. For years, my stepfather, Robert Mondavi, has made some of the finest wines in the world. And the Mondavi heritage of fine wine making is alive and well, here, at Shaun Mondavi Vineyards.

(He takes a sip from wine glass and visibly grimaces at the taste.)

Shaun Mondavi: That’s right. For nearly a tenth of a half of a century, Shaun Mondavi wine has been associated with quality.

Four years ago, when I told my Dad I wanted to own my own vineyard, he said, “First of all, don’t call me Dad. You’re 27 and this is the second time I’ve ever met you. Second, no you can’t own a vineyard. You’re a convicted felon and your Mother told me you have a learning disability.”

Well guess what Dad? You were wrong…about some of that stuff.

(He takes another drink from the wine glass and grimaces again at the taste.)

Shaun Mondavi: And today, at Shaun Mondavi wine place, we are committed to the best wine-ing techniques around. Like the time-honored aging process. And nothing ages wine like a hot 3 hour van ride from our wine factory in San Jose, straight to your mouth. That’s right. When a van with a cactus airbrushed on the side pulls up outside your house, and a guy with a “fu-manchu” mustache hands you a case of Coke bottles filled with wine, you know you’re in Shaun Mondavi country: the San Jose metropolitan area.

(He takes another sip and moans aloud at the terrible taste.)

Shaun Mondavi: The classic balance between wine and food is an integral part of the Shaun Mondavi experience. Whether you’re having Steak-Ums or tacos or you can’t afford food, you’ll want a 2 liter Mountain Dew bottle filled with Shaun Mondavi’s reddish-style wine drink. You won’t be disappointed.

(He takes another drink and starts getting dry heaves from the bad taste. His Step dad walks into the scene.)

Robert Mondavi: What the hell are you doing out here, Shaun?

Shaun Mondavi: I’m shooting a commercial for my wine. Are you jealous Dad?

Robert Mondavi: That’s Mr. Mondavi, punk, and your not welcome on my property. I won’t have you stealing from your mother again.

(Robert picks Shaun up by the back of the neck.)

Shaun Mondavi: (yells) MOM! MOM!

(Mother rushes in.)

Mrs. Mondavi: Shaun, please leave. I can’t trust you anymore. Just go. Get out of here. Go!

Shaun Mondavi: (whining) Can’t I just have a hundred grand for my own wine vineyard?

(Robert takes a drink from the wine glass and immediately spits it out.)

Robert Mondavi: This isn’t wine! (sniffing the drink) It’s tequila and 5-Alive and those little marshmallows you put in cocoa.

Shaun Mondavi: …And fish and seawater. (playing toward the camera) It’s Shaun Mondavi’s finest vintage.

Robert Mondavi: How dare you use that name, you son-of-a-bitch. Your last name is Holdger.

Shaun Mondavi: My Dad was a hero! He died in the Navy!

Robert Mondavi: HA! The hell he did. I’ll tell you who your Father was.

Mrs. Mondavi: No! Robert, don’t!

Robert Mondavi: Your father was a hobo…

Shaun Mondavi: No…

Robert Mondavi: with a bottle of chloroform…

Shaun Mondavi: No! I’m going to kill you!!

(Shaun takes a lunge at Robert, but gets a punch in the gut, instead.)

Robert Mondavi: I want you out of here now!

Shaun Mondavi: (crying, and trying to hug Robert) I love you, Daddy, I love you!

Robert Mondavi: (fighting him off) I’m not your father.

Shaun Mondavi: I wanna make you you proud with my wine.

Robert Mondavi: I’m not your father!

(The camera pans down to a close up of the Mountain Dew bottle with a cheap handwritten Mondavi Vineyard logo taped to the side.)

Narrator V/O: Shaun Mondavi Vineyards. For when excellence and burnished fineries need to gently visit the warmth of your tablery.What the hell does that mean?

Thanks to Planet Will for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

John Goodman’s Monologue

…..John Goodman
Female Audience Member #1…..Paula Pell
Female Audience Member #2…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Lorne Michaels

John Goodman: Thanks very much, thanks a lot! It is great to be back here in New York City hosing “Saturday Night Live”! I’m really excited to be back here, I have had a great year..

Female Audience Member #1: Excuse me? Mr. Goodman? Can I ask a question?

John Goodman: Sure.

Female Audience Member #1: Is this is a rerun?

John Goodman: Pardon?

Female Audience Member #1: I think I’ve seen this show before. This is a repeat, right.

John Goodman: Look, you might be confused because I’ve hosted the show ten times, but I promise you it’s a new show.

Female Audience Member #1: Who’s the musical guest?

John Goodman: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers.

Female Audience Member #1: I knew it! I’ve seen that one before. Come on, we’re out of here..

John Goodman: Listen! The fact that you’re stopping the monologue to ask this question proves that it’s a new show!

Female Audience Member #1: But I asked this question back in 1991. You and Tom Petty, I’ve seen it.

John Goodman: Wait, wait, wait.. Although we are both.. established performers, this is a not a rerun. You’re mistaken.

Female Audience Member #2: I don’t think she is. I’ve seen this one, too. It’s a good one. You were funny, and Tom Petty played “Freefallin'”, I really liked it.

John Goodman: I promise you this is a new episode. Wait a minute.. [ grabs a newspaper ] ..here’s a newspaper, look.. April 10th, 1999.. April 10th, 1999..

Female Audience Member #1: That’s just one of those fake papers you get in Times Square. I’ve got one, too. Look. [ holds up paper reading “This is a Rerun From 1991” ]

John Goodman: This is not a rerun! [ looks offstage ] Jimmy! Here’s Jimmy Fallon, he’s a new castmember. Jimmy, tell the folks about tonight’s show.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, it’s a great show. John Goodman and Tom Petty. Yeah, I remember I was in the 8th grade when it first ran. I said, “One day, I’m gonna be on that show!”

John Goodman: Jimmy, it’s a new show.

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughs ] Good one! I think my favorite part was when Lorne came out and told you to wrap up the monologue and get on with the show!

Lorne Michaels: John, will you wrap up the monologue and get to the show?

Jimmy Fallon: See?

John Goodman: I don’t care what anyone says, this is a new show. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here. So stick around, because this is not a rerun from 1991!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Tracy Morgan
Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Oh, ho! Thank you folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you! Na…ah ha!

According to recent polls, a growing number of Americans are in favor of sending ground troops to Kosovo. And it should be noted that a hundred percent of those polled are not in the armed forces.

U.S. and NATO officials announced this week that the U.S. has taken 20,000 ethnic Albanian refugees to help ease Europe’s worst humanitarian catastrophe since World War II. However, U.S. immigration officials stressed that there is a limit to what America can handle. [photo of Roberto Benigni]

Today, President Clinton took a day off from dealing with NATO’s bombing of Kosovo and spent it playing golf at Camp David. After his round, a refreshed President told reporters, “You know, O.J.’s right. This game does take your mind off killing people.”

When President Clinton met with Chinese premier Zhu Rongji, he had planned to criticize the Chinese leader for his country’s human rights violations. Until Al Gore told him, “Hey, be cool. I need illegal contributions for my campaign too, you know.”

This week, the president of Taiwan reaffirmed the island nation’s demand to be recognized as an equal to its giant rival, China. The collective response from the United Nations was, “Come on.”

Liddy Dole declared this week that she opposed abortion, except in the case of rape, incest, and when the woman’s life is threatened. It should be noted these are also her views on sex.

A possible mistrial in the Whitewater case against Susan McDougal occurred Friday when a juror brought a law book into the jury room. The judge was upset, saying he didn’t “want any of that law stuff influencing the jurors.”

Presidential hopeful Dan Quayle has been critical of NATO, and demanded to know when they dropped the “E.” [cheers and applause]

Now, here to talk…about the latest in hip-hop fashion, is “Weekend Update” correspondent Tracy Morgan.

[pan over to Tracy, who is wearing a red FUBU sweatshirt]

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Colin! Thanks, man. Check out this cool shirt I’m wearin’ — it’s by a company called FUBU. [fade up caption “FUBU/For Us, By Us] FUBU means “For Us, By Us.” And that’s [fade out caption] because these clothes are designed by black people for black people. And I think it’s about time, because we’ve been the puppets of the fashion industry for too long.

Because before FUBU, all Nike gave us was FUBAK: [fade up caption “FUBAK/For Us By Asian Kids”] For Us By Asian Kids.

And for [fade out caption] all y’all runnin’ around buying up Tommy Hilfiger gear, remember that stuff FU – is FUBRAWD: [fade up caption “FUBRAWD/For Us Blacks By A Rich-Ass White Dude”] For Us Blacks By A Rich-Ass White Dude….Believe me, [fade out caption] before we started buying all his clothes, the only – only time Tommy Hilfiger ever saw a black dude was on a Lionel Richie album cover.

And now my kids all want Timberland boots. Here we go. Timberland boots are D’FRYCKBWEBEN: [fade up caption “D’FRYCKBWEBEN: Designed For Yuppie Rock Climbers, But Worn Exclusively By Negroes”] Designed for Yuppie Rock Climbers, But Worn Exclusively By Negroes. [shakes head; some applause, fade out caption]

Then yesterday my wife told me she wanted a Prada bag. I told her Prada bags were FUJU – [fade up caption “FUHABJAP: For Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett] FUHABJAP: For Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett only. So don’t axe me for one again until you start looking like them.

Anyway, I’m not saying that the races have to stay totally separate, I’m just saying…that I don’t think there’s been a fair exchange so far. Look at the stuff the black community has created that’s for you, by us. [fade up caption “FYBU/Jazz, The NBA, Will Smith] We gave you jazz, the NBA, a – and Will Smith. [fade out caption] And what have you come up with especially for us? Malt liquor, [fade up caption “FUBY/Malt Liquor, Kool Cigarettes, The McRib Sandwich] Kool cigarettes and the – and the McRib Sandwich. [looks off to the side in disgust; some applause, fade out caption]

I mean, we desire reparation, so I – I guess, uh, what I’m trying to say is, uh, [to Colin] give me a hundred dollars.

Colin: Get outta here! [Tracy gives him a surprised and disappointed look] Tracy Morgan, everybody!

Tracy: FUBU. Buy some FUBU.

The Ringling Brothers-Barnum and Bailey Circus, which is now at Madison Square Garden, has the first black ringmaster in its history: Johnathan Lee Iverson. Iverson says he loves life in the circus; the thrills, the excitement, the fat lady’s ass….Ooo!

In Moscow this week, Lenin’s embalmed body is back on display in Red Square after a month of being cleaned and refurbished. The method employed to cleanse Lenin’s corpse is the same system used to prepare Cher for the “Believe” video. [some applause]

At the Pope’s Easter mass last Sunday, there was an estimated 40-minute wait on line for communion. Except for those Catholics who had E-ZPass.

It was announced this week that Paul Simon and Bob Dylan will tour together this summer. Simon and Dylan are expected to outdraw the hastily thrown together rival tour, Garfunkelpalooza.

Julie Krone, thoroughbred racing’s most successful female jockey, announced her retirement this week at the age of 35. Friends say Krone now wants to focus on her lifelong dream of getting her period.

According to a BBC Radio poll, the top – top song of the century is the Beatles’ “Yesterday”…followed by “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” and “White Christmas.” Last on the list: any song with the words “achy” or “breaky” in it.

Because of the risque photos of teen pop singer Britney Spears in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Nestle may back out of sponsoring her summer concert tour. But the tour will go on after lining up [photo of Bill Clinton] a new sponsor.

Charlize Theron is upset about appearing nude in this month’s issue of Playboy, saying she intended the photos for her private use. I guess that makes two of us.

And last week, Al Gore celebrated his 51st birthday at a private White House ceremony. Gore was given a cake, blew out the candles, and made a wish. [photo of New York Times headline that reads “Republicans Nominate Quayle”]

Allergy season is here, and advertisers are inundating us with ads for new prescription drug remedies. Here to clear things up is our resident prescription drug expert, Collette Reardon.

[pan over to Collette, a middle-aged, heavily drug-induced woman with several bottles of prescription drugs in front of her]

Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! Col, can you believe all the choices out there for allergy relief, huh? It’s a good time to be medicated! Good time! Good time! You got Allegra, Tavist-D, Zyrtec, little Joanie London’s got my head spinnin’ about Claritin-D — it’s all good!

Colin: [nodding] So I see.

Collette: But, heck! Allergy season! Allergies can be brutal, especially around the holidays, Col. And this last one — what a doozy!

Colin: You mean Easter?

Collette: That’s her!…I get to the Easter parade, right? I’m sportin’ my best bonnet. But I’m worried about my itchy eyes acting up, Col! So I take a fistful of Allegra, along with 2,000 millies of Percodan, [shows her bandaged right index finger] for my finger!

Colin: [a little confused] Of course.

Collette:: Right. Well, I must’ve been about as high as a hot air balloon in the clearing nest, ’cause the next thing, I’m riding piggy-back on a tuba player from the Loyola marching band, Col! [laughs, then waves to an audience member] Hi, Kev!…Well…Col, apparently peach schnapps doesn’t mix well with the Darvon drip I take for my runny nose.

Colin: A Darvon drip for a runny nose? Ever try Kleenex?

Collette: Ha HAH!

Colin: I’m serious!

Collette: So later on…later on that day, they tell me that in mah stupor I cut up about four police officers and tried to restrain them. Next morning, I’m waking up at the NYPD hotel and casino, feeling a little like MacKenzie Phillips circa 1983, Col! [laughs]…Luckily, I had a – I – I had a pocketful of Benzadrene, chased that with some codeine eye drops, and guess who was on time for her Monday morning Pap smear?

Colin: I – I’m guessing you.

Collette: You’re guessing right! [laughs] And…I’m happy to say that I passed the smear with [swings her arms like a champion] flying colors.…Thanks to my OB/GYN, friend, and lover, Dr. van Cleef Arpill! Good hands, good hands!

Colin: Well, uh…congratulations, Mrs. Reardon.

Collette: [eyeing Colin] That’s Ms. Reardon, sausage smuggler. [applies lipstick harriedly]…Say, Col…the Puerto [Spanish accent] Rican Day parade is just around the corner. How ’bout you meet me for some fried dough at the porta-potty on 83rd and 5th?

Colin: [playing along] Yeah, sure. I’ll be there. Collette Reardon, everybody. [Collette laughs, then grabs her drugs and goes over to Colin] I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

Collette: You stick to it! [Colin laughs] You stick to it! [leaves]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts