Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for “Butterfingers”.
Maya Angelou: The wind. The rain. The fire.
The Butterfinger.
Did the Caveman know your delicious goodness? Did the Mayan Priest exhalt in your buttery crunchiness? Did the slothful Mastodon, upon his extinction, declare, “Don’t lay a finger on my Butterfinger?”
Oh, you finger of butter! You proud confection! Sugar brown roasted peanuts, fructose, glucose, sucrose, lactose, partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil. Crispity, crunchity, peanut buttery–
I… give… myself… to… you.
Butterfinger.
Glad mantle of golden chocolaty hope upon my breast.
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: January 18th, 1997 David Alan Grier Snoop Doggy Dogg None
Genitalia Line-Up Paula Jones (Cheri Oteri) picks out President Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) genitalia. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ted Kennedy.
Ex-Porn Stars Don Wong & Reggie Owens Wong (Jim Breuer) & Owens (Tracy Morgan) try to adapt as fast food workers. Recurring Characters: Don Wong, Reggie Owens.
Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey
Voice of Director: Burt Reynolds, Darth Vader screen test. Alright, we’re rolling.
Burt Reynolds: Fire away!
Voice of Director: Uh, Burt? We need the helmet. [ Burt puts on helmet ] “Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes. Or given you clairvoyance enough To find the rebels’ hidden fortress.” [ Burt stands motionless ] Uh, Burt? You’re supposed to strangle the guy now.
Burt Reynolds: Oh, what, like.. go over there and choke him?
Voice of Director: No. No, you kind of twist your fingers at him.
Burt Reynolds: Ah. I don’t get it.
Voice of Director: You see.. you have this mystical power.
Burt Reynolds: Let me ask you a question. [ clears throat ] What kind of car does this guy drive?
Barbra Streisand: [ manic ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”
Voice of Director: Barbra? you’re gonna want to take that wa-a-ay down.
Barbra Streisand: More?
Voice of Director: Yeah.
Barbra Streisand: I can do that.
Voice of Director: Okay. Whenever you’re ready.
Barbra Streisand: [ more manic than before ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”
Voice of Director: Okay, thanks.
Barbra Streisand: I didn’t get the part, did I?
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.
Jack Lemmon: [ holding up his mask ] Okay, excuse me. Before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the hell one of these Chewbacca things is?
Voice of Director: Well, uh.. he’s a Wookie, Jack.
Jack Lemmon: A what? A what the hell is a Wookie?
Voice of Director: Uh.. it’s like a space ape.
Jack Lemmon: [ pissed ] Oh, that’s terrific! You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a fu–kin’ space ape?!
Voice of Director: Uh.. just put the mask on..
Jack Lemmon: I’m gonna take a dump in this fu–in’ damn mask, that’s what I’m gonna do!
Voice of Director: Jack, would you please put it on..
Jack Lemmon: Why can’t I audition for Obi-Wan? You got Matthau screen testing! I’d be a terrific Obi-Wan!
Voice of Director: Would you please put the mask on?
Jack Lemmon: Aw, f–k yourself!
Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.
Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell Christopher Walken…..Kevin Spacey Richard Dreyfus…..Darrell Hammond Walter Matthau…..Kevin Spacey Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Two decades ago George Lucas’ science fiction epic STAR WARS captured the imagination of the world.” Now, the 20th Anniversary re-release is available on home video, with spectacular new footage like these never-before-seen screen tests.
Voice of Director: Christopher Walken, Han Solo screen test. Okay, Chris, whenever you’re ready. Christopher Walken: “I’m Captain of.. the Millenium.. Falcon. Chewie here.. tells me.. you’re looking for passage.. to the.. alderaan system.”
Voice of Director: “Yes, indeed, It’s a fast ship.”
Christopher Walken: “Fast.. ship? You’ve never heard.. of the.. millenium falcon? It’s the ship.. that made the kessel run.. in less than.. 12 parsecs. She’s.. fast enough.. for you.. old man..” That sucked! I’m sorry.. [ turns and walks away ] You know.. I had it..
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: C-3PO screen test. Okay, C-3PO.. I’m sorry. Who’s in there?
Richard Dreyfus: It’s Richard Dreyfus! [ removes mask ] Damn you! I told you I didn’t want to wear the damn mask!
Voice of Director: Okay. Just do the scene. “What I really need is a droid who understands The binary language of moisture vaporators.”
Richard Dreyfus: “Vaporators? Sir, my first job was programming binary load lifters. Very similar to your vaporators in most respects.”
Voice of Director: Thank you very much.
Richard Dreyfus: [ upset ] Listen, I can do that better, okay?
Voice of Director: Thanks, but we’ve got all we need..
Richard Dreyfus: Look! I don’t need this! I was in “Jaws”, okay?!
Voice of Director: Okay. Thanks.
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: Walter Matthau, Obi Wan Kenobi screen test. Alright, Walter, here we go. “I’ve never heard of them Hitting anything this big before.”
Walter Matthau: “They didn’t. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side-by-side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Voice of Director: “These are the same Jawas that sold us R2 and 3PO.”
Walter Matthau: [ confused ] Jawas? What the hell is this picture about, anyway?
Voice of Director: Well, Walter, it’s a space adventure about a magical force, and all the people and creatures that..
Walter Matthau: Oh, Christ! [ walks off ]
Voice of Director: Walter? Walter?
Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.
Mr. Peepers…..Chris Kattan Dr. Dowden…..Kevin Spacey Assistant…..Will Ferrell
(open on lab with SUPER : BORMAN LABORATORIES, E. Brunswick, New Jersey)
Dr. Dowden: Well, almost finished. Hurry up. We’ve got a lot of monkeys to examine. We’re done with him, put him back in the cage.
Assistant: But he hasn’t been fed yet.
Dr. Dowden: I don’t care. You should know that you’re the third assistant I’ve had this month. I fired the other two because they were stupid incompetents. So you will do exactly as I say and only exactly as I say, or you, too, will be fired. (slowly, in a handicapped voice) Do you understand me?
Assistant: Yes, Dr. Dowden
Dr. Dowden: And put Roscoe back in his cage. (Assistant has a tough time closing the cage) Oh, and I see closing cages is beyond your mental capacity, idiot. Get me the monkey in cage number 5.
(Assistant goes to cage number 5 to reveal Mr. Peepers, a man/monkey boy dressed in red overalls, he picks up Mr. Peepers and brings him to the doctor)
Dr. Dowden: All Right, Mr. Peepers. Never seen this one before. (Reading off chart) “Possible missing link. Discovered in the Brazilian Rainforest.” (Peepers hangs upside down while dangling on the assistant) What are you doing?
Assistant: I’m sorry, doctor. What am I supposed to do?
Dr. Dowden: (slowly, mocking him) I don’t know what am I supposed to do. (his voice) Put him on the stool, you idiot! (he places Peepers on the stool, as Peeper’s begins to babble “Bah” over and over) And shut that monkey up!
Assistant: Doctor, I’m not sure what —
Dr. Dowden: Oh, you are just useless. I’ll do it. No Peepers, no! No! No! Give him an apple! (Peepers grabs the apple and starts chewing rapidly and spitting out the pieces. Meanwhile Dr. Dowden begins examining him.) Let’s look at the ears. (check ears) Ears look all right Let’s look at the teeth! Let me look at your teeth! Let me look at your teeth! (checks teeth) God, this Peepers beast reeks. You check his eyes.
Assistant: (goes to check Peeper’s eyes, only to have Peeper’s acting difficult) I – I can’t, he won’t let me.
Dr. Dowden: Oh, you are so useless! I’ll do it! Peepers watch! (He begins snapping his fingers back and forth, testing Peepers’ eye movement) There, that’s how you do it.
Assistant: Doctor, do you think we should —
Dr. Dowden: I’m not paying you to think —
Mr. Peepers: (in the doctor’s face) BAH!
Dr. Dowden: You shut your little monkey mouth! You want a piece of me? Shut up! Shut it! Bah! (they exchange “bah”‘s back and forth as Peepers pushes the doctor) Oh, you little bastard!
(Peepers jumps off the stool and begins to jump off the walls)
Dr. Dowden: Get that monkey, would you?
Assistant: Okay.
(Peepers dances around, the assistant is unable to grab hold of him)
Dr. Dowden: Well, don’t just stand there! Get him!
Assistant: I’m trying!
Dr. Dowden: You are so fired if you don’t get that little critter!
(Peepers runs towards the other way and jumps onto an examining table. After a few seconds of struggle, he latches his mouth onto the assistant)
Dr. Dowden: Oh, my God! Don’t move! (Peepers begins a series of blowing on the assistant’s face, an attack mechanism)
Assistant: What should I do?
Dr. Dowden: Well for starters, shut up. You have violated this monkey’s sense of space. Mr. Peeper’s is now in attack mode. Any sudden movement and he will bite your head off! So, very very slowly — very slowly turn your head away. Turn your head away very slowly. (The assistant begins to turn his head away from an attacking Mr. Peepers) Turn your – easy, easy, very slow — ah, oh oh! (Peepers releases himself off the assistant and begins to jump on the doctor, humping him)
Assistant: Oh, my God! (he rushes for the phone, picks up and yells) Code blue, code blue! Mr. Peepers is humping Dr. Dowden! Send help now! this is horrible!
Dr. Dowden: You get him off of me right now or you are SO fired!
(Peepers continues to hump Dr. Dowden while the assistant continues to get help on the phone. Audience applause we fade out)
Kevin Spacey: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a great opportunity to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I think it’s really a perfect fit for me because when you hear the name Kevin Spacey, you think one word: comedy. And now that I have the laugh market cornered, I thought I’d take a few minutes and show you Kevin Spacey’s sentimental side. This is an old favorite of mine. [ he picks up microphone, sits on stool, and sings “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning”, as the following SUPERS roll by: ]
[ SUPER: “We know what you’re thinking. This is stupid.” ]
[ SUPER: “The only reason we allowed Kevin Spacey to sing this song is because he threatened us. Seriously.” ]
[ SUPER: “He is a very sick individual with severe emotional problems. For example, he demanded a seperate dressing room for “The bad Kevin.” Kevin Spacey also has a history of violent behavior.” ]
[ SUPER: “Dennis Hopper has refused to work with him.” ]
[ SUPER: “During Thursday’s rehearsal, Kevin stuck a gun in Norm MacDonald’s mouth. Needless to say, Norm didn’t like it. According to his court-appointed psychiatrist, you “should avoid making any sudden movements around Kevin Spacey.” Last night a crew member accidentally dropped a cue card. Kevin responded by shoving Don Pardo down a flight of stairs. And then he stuck a gun in Norm MacDonald’s mouth. The next time you see one of his movies, just remember that Kevin Spacey plays psychos… Because he really is a psycho.” ]
[ song ends ]
Call me crazy, but I like that song. We got a great show tonight. Beck is here, so stick around. We’ll be right back.
David Letterman…..Norm MacDonald Paul Shaffer…..Mark McKinney William Hurt…..Kevin Spacey
[ Music Intro: “Start Me Up” ]
David Letterman: Alright.. okay, kids,welcome back to the big show, folks! So, Paul, I’m on the subway today, uh.. you, you, you ever been on the subway, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Uh.. subway. Subway, right. Yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah! Yeah! So, this guy walks up to me, he looks me right in the eye, he gives me one of these: [ mimicking ] “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” Hahaha-haaa!! [ mimicking ] “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” Hahaha-haaa!
Paul Shaffer: Ah ha-haha-haha! Yeah, so, uh, he asked you for some gum.
David Letterman: Ah, that’s right! [ makes face for the audience ] Alright, in a couple of seconds, William Hurt will be out here, kids, and Blues Traveler. Later on, actor Robert Wuhl will be joining us. Hey, you hear that, Paul? Robert Wuhl will be out here! Do you enjoy his work, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah! Bob Wuhl! Good. Yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah. Well, you know, he’s on a new program over there on the HBO. Do you, do you enjoy the HBO, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah. HBO. Cable. Great. Yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, well, he’s got a show over there called “Arli$$”.. and he plays, uh.. he plays Arli$$. Do you, do you enjoy the “Arli$$” show, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, well.. he’s Arli$$.
Paul Shaffer: Oh, yeah! Yeah, he’s Arli$$. He plays Arli$$ on the show.
David Letterman: [ suddenly ] Hahaha-haaaa!! Well, anyway, he’s gonna be out in a little while! [ tugs his collar and wipes sweat off his brow with index card ] Arli$$! Ha ha haaa!! Can you imagine such a thing, Paul? Ah ha ha ha!! Haa haa! [ laughter segues into fake head-down coughing ] Arli$$! Ha ha! Okay, kids, our first guest, you’ve seen in such films as “The Big Chill” and “Broadcast News”. Now he’s a star in the runaway box office smash, “Michael”. Please welcome back to the program, William Hurt. William! [ William Hurt enters, played in with “Hurt So Good” ] Ahhh.. let me just say, William, before we begin, I saw your new picture, “Michael”, and by gosh I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed it. Just a fine piece of work, and it must have been very satisfying for you.
William Hurt: Well, thank you. I’m very proud of this film. When I first read it, I just fell in love with the script, you know? It is a life-affirming story about an angel, who is a sort of cellestial rescuer of lives, you know? I guess we have all gone adrift in some way, you know? He has us just embrace the small miracles in some way..
David Letterman: [ bored, interrupts ] “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?”
William Hurt: What?
David Letterman: “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” Ha haaa!!
Paul Shaffer: Ah ha ha ha!
David Letterman: Ah ha ha! Let me ask you this: you’re a bigshot actor, you do like 90 films a year. Now, that seems to me like just a Herculian task.
William Hurt: Well, it’s not so hard, when you are working with fine performers who are generous, you know?
David Letterman: Yeah, yeah, I imagine, sure.
William Hurt: Andie MacDowell’s performance in this movie really drove the story..
David Letterman: Oh-ho, Andie MacDowell! Did Andie MacDowell ever give you one of these? [ starts mimicking boxer moves ] Ha haa!! Huh? Hee hee! Can you imagine such a thing? Just, boom! Boom! Ha ha ha haaa!!
Paul Shaffer: Ah ha, ha ha ha ha!
William Hurt: What is your trip?
David Letterman: Hee hee-ee-ee!! Okay, now, when you play a character that experiences such an epithany in a film like this, as an actor, now that transformation has to be quite taxing on you.
William Hurt: Yes, well, you can’t underestimate the value of what it means to get inside of a character..
David Letterman: Oh, oh, hey! Let me ask you this: Do you enjoy the “Arli$$” show?
William Hurt: What?
David Letterman: “Arli$$”! Ha ha ha ha!! [ tugs collar, smiles ] “Uh.. uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” Ha ha ha ha!
William Hurt: Why do you keep asking me if I have gum?
David Letterman: Now, I understand that you have a clip. Would youl ike to set up your clip?
William Hurt: Well, yes. This is a scene from the movie, “Michael”, in which I play..
[ music starts playing ]
David Letterman: Oh, oh, oh! You know what that sound means, folks! Every once in a while we like to go into the street and do something we call, “Can You Sell Me A Hot Dog?” Paul?
Paul Shaffer: [ sings game theme song ] Hey, man, don’t wanna buy a frank! Don’t wanna buy a weiner! Don’t wanna buy a brat, But, hey, Mister, Can you sell me a hot, hot, hot, hot dog? Yeah!”
[ cut to clip of Letterman on the street by a vendor cart ]
David Letterman: Can you sell me a hot dog? [ vendor hands him a hot dog, Letterman smiles to the camera ]
[ cut back to the studio ]
Paul Shaffer: Hey, Mister, Can you sell me a hot dog? Yeah!”
David Letterman: Alright, there you go! Now, sorry about that, William, you were setting up a clip.
William Hurt: Yes. Well, this is a scene in the film where I finally accept the angel, and all his power. And I experience a catharsis!
David Letterman: Oh, well, that sounds great, let’s roll a clip. This is from the motion picture, “Michael”.
[ clip shows Paul sitting, Letterman standing with fake wings on his back ]
David Letterman: “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” [ Paul shakes head ]
[ cut back to the studio ]
David Letterman: Ha ha haaa!! Looks like a great film! Hey! That’s all the time we have, folks! My apologies to Blues Traveler and Robert Wuhl! Good night, everybody! [ stands up, removes jacket, and exits studio, as William Hurt remains stunned ]
Kevin Spacey: My thanks to Beck, Michael Palin and John Cleese! The entire cast of “Saturday Night Live”, and all the writers! I had a wonderful week! Go watch “Albino Alligator” this Friday, opening in a theater near you! Thank you all for coming! Happy New Year!
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Donna Shalaya…..Kevin Spacey
[ open on teenagers dancing with Janet Reno in her basement ]
[ Music Open: “My Sharona”, The Knack ]
Janet Reno: [ music stops ] Hi, I’m Janet Reno, coming to you live from in my basement. Welcome to “Janet Reno’s Dance Party”. I really like dancing to that one. I wanna dance to that one again! [ music plays, Janet dances some more ] Oh, I’m on fire! I’m on fire! Bucky, WHERE’S my towel?!! [ stagehand Bobby hands Janet a towel ] Thank you! Bobby’s a really good friend, and a wonderful gourmet cook. He’s been with me for thirteen years. I’ve spent many nights crying on his shoulder, he’s fantastic! Thank you, Bucky. Hey! I wanna dance some more! Play that song again! [ music plays, Janet dances ]
President Bill Clinton: [ opens basement door ] Janet, it’s your Preisdent! President Clinton here! Janet, we want you to come on home, we’re worried about you in Washington! You know we love you! You just stop this Dance Party madness, and come on with us!
Janet Reno: [ notices Bill at the top of the stairs ] Who are you?!!
President Bill Clinton: Who am I? I’m your President! Yeah! Janet, I’m not sure what’s driving you, but I want you to know that no one holds you responsible for the events that transpired at Waco!
Janet Reno: Waco?! Dance Party takes AWAY Waco!! Now, GET OUT!! [ Clinton exits, music ends ] Okay, now it’s time for a Spotlight Dance with my very special guest. Would you please welcome Secretary of Health and Human Services, Donna Shalaya. [ Sonna enters basement ] Donna? Donna, thanks for coming to the Dance Party.
Donna Shalaya: My pleasure, Janet!
Janet Reno: Now, before we beign, you look lovely tonight. Why don’t you tell the viewers what you’re wearing?
Donna Shalaya: Well, Janet, I’m wearing a dark blue blazer with matching skirt, pearls, and brown shoes.
Janet Reno: You look like a pretty little China doll. I just want to put you up on my shelf, and dust you and look at you. But promise me one thing. Promise me you won’t let them break you.
Donna Shalaya: I promise, Janet.
Janet Reno: Okay, great, Donna. Tell me what song you’ve selected for our Spotlight Dance.
Donna Shalaya: I selected “Songbird” by Kenny G.
Janet Reno: That’s wonderful, Donna. But there’s no chance in Hell we’re gonna hear it! Play my song! [ “My Sharona” kicks up again, as the lights go dim and Janet and Donna hold each other tight for their Spotlight Dance – music stops ] That was really special. Thank you, Bucky, for holding the light, and thank you, Donna, for the wonderful dance.
Donna Shalaya: Well, thank you, Janet, I had a wonderful time! [ exits ]
Janet Reno: Donna Shalaya, everyone. [ teens clap ] Boy, if I could bottle that, I’d make a million bucks – easy! Now, dancing with us all today has been the Senior Class from Ridgeway High. [ teens cheer loudly ] Shut up! Shut up! Do you kids like to dance? [ kids cheer ] Shut it! Shut it now! Now, let’s get one thing straight. You’re all my guests here in my home! If I catch any of you forming a mosh pit, I swear to God I’ll be laughing my ass off when you kids eat it Reno-style! Now, dance! [ music starts up again, the teens start to mosh ] No mosh pit! I said.. NO MOSH PIT!! [ to camera ] Join us next week when the “Dance Party” takes place on the deck of a battleship! Good night!
Mrs. Attebury…..Ana Gasteyer Technician…..Kevin Spacey Mr. Attebury…..Mark McKinney
[ open on interior, Attebury sunroom as ramble-mouthed Mrs. Attebury enters with Technician ]
Mrs. Attebury: [ holding a glass of Seagram’s ] And this is the sunroom, where I plan on parking myself all Winter with a Hot Toddy, isn’t it fabulous, don’t you love it? This is one of the best neighborhoods in Bethesda, I mean, nowhere is safe anymore.
Technician: Well, that’s why I’m here, Mrs. Attebury, we’ll get you all set with some automatic floodlights. You know, get some motion sensors on the windows, the whole standard package.
Mrs. Attebury: [ holds her hand up to indicate her bored husband sitting sitting on a Barco-lounger, reading a book and enjoying a Scotch ] Oh, this is my huband Lesley, by the way.
Technician: Oh, how are you doing there, Mr. Attebury?
Mr. Attebury: Uh, who’s there now?
Mrs. Attebury: Lesley, this is Jim from the home security place. Jim knows so much about our house by now, if he decides to go into burglery he’ll be our first hi! [ laughs ]
Technician: Well, I should probably measure these windows for the sensors.
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, my goodness.. Libby Wadsworth said we absolutely had to have those, and she should know, I mean you know what happened to Wadsworth, don’t you, Les?
Mr. Attebury: Uh.. I don’t know who that is, dear..
Mrs. Attebury: Yes, you do, don’t you remember it was that silent auction for the symphony, or what have you, and – he doesn’t know! Anyway, apparently, Doug Wadsworth came downstairs to go to work, goes to his car, and there are four tickets to Sunday’s Redskins game tied to the windshield, he had absolutely no idea how they got there, I mean can you believe it, isn’t that bizarre?
Technician: [ tolerating her so far ] Wow, that’s really strange!
Mrs. Attebury: Isn’t that the most wonderful, I thought it was so strange, he couldn’t decide whether or not this was some sort of manna from heaven, you know, maybe some kind of promotion or something! At any rate, apparently, come Sunday, they all trundle off to the game, have a wonderful time, come home, and sure enough these supposed generous ticket givers have cleaned out the place, I mean isn’t that just the most awful, awful, wonderful, wonderful story you ever heard, I just love that, absolutely fabulous, you can’t make this kind of stuff up, you just absolutely can’t, I love it!
Technician: [ desperately trying to get out of the conversation ] Well, if you want me to get this done today, I’m gonna have to get going..
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, absolutely, God, I’m so paranoid!
Mr. Attebury: Yeah, the woman sleeps with a hammer under the bed there..
Mrs. Attebury: It’s a C-Clamp.
Mr. Attebury: Yeah, well, whatever..
Technician: Okay, well, I’m just gonna go out to my truck, and get, uh..
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, speaking of trucks, Winky Styles told me the most wonderful, wonderful story I ever..
Technician: Yeah, well, you know, I’d love to hear it, but I don’t have much time to..
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, I think you might want to hear this, it might be very, very interesting to you – listen, I’m gonna have another splash of Seagram, you want to wet your whistle?
Technician: No thanks.
Mrs. Attebury: Alright. Les, do you want a little splash?
Mr. Attebury: Uh, don’t touch my Scotch..
Mrs. Attebury: Alright, well, anyway, just listen to this story, I think you’ll just absolutely love it, I think it might be very helpful for you in your security business, or whatever you do.. apparently, Doug and Winky Styles’ youngest daughter Jane, the one with anorexia
Mr. Attebury: Anorexia? She’s as big as a house..
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, I know, I know, poor thing, it’s not her fault.. but anyway, apparently, she comes home from one of these semesters at sea, or whatever the thing is, with this sort of hippy carpenter fellow in tow, you know the sort of fellow, he went to a state university, that kind of a person..
Technician: Right, right, I went to a state university..
Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway, appearently, this fellow just sort of makes himself at home in their living room for three or four months..
Technician: Look, Mrs. Attebury, I really have ot get going on this, because, you know..
Mrs. Attebury: Ah ah ah, I think you’re really gonna enjoy it, it gets so absolutely bizarre.. apparently, one day, when Doug was off at the Cape or Nantucket, or something like that, I don’t know where he was, Winky comes home and finds this creature standing in her living room stark-naked, wrapping all of your wedgewood in bubble wrap and cramming it into a duffle bag, I mean can you stand it! I just love it, can you stand it!
Technician: Not much longer.
Mrs. Attebury: Oh, well, anyway, apparently, this fellow just sort of looked Winky in the eye, asked her for a Diet-Rite cola, and then relieved himself on the carpet! Isn’t that the most bizarre, wonderful, awful thing that ever happened, I just loved it, I couldn’t stand it..
Technician: [ interrupting ] LIsten! Listen! I can’t stand here and talk all day, because..
Mrs. Attebury: When the whole thing was over, Winky just kind of rolled up the carpet and put it in the barn, I said, “Give the carpet to me, it’s a $4,000..”
Technician: [ pulls out his screwdriver and points it at her face as he jumps around the room frantically ] Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UUUUPPP!! It’s MY turn to talk now! ALRIGHT?!! I don’t WORK for the alarm company, and I’m about to FILL this house with your SCREAMS!!
Mr. Attebury: [ taking charge ] Yes, silverware’s under the stairs, there.
Technician: I’m NOT screwing around!! I’m gonna BIND your hands with phone cords, shoot crystal meth into my thigh and go CAVEMAN on you!!
Mrs. Attebury: [ frightened, struggles for a word to say ]
Technician: [ lowers his screwdriver and smiles ] Oh, I’m just kidding there, I just wanted to get your attention, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise there!
Mr. Attebury: Bravo!
Technician: Sorry about that, Mrs. Attebury! I’m gonna head out to my truck there and get my stuff. You know, with all those stories about crimes, I thought you’d get a kick out of that! [ exits sunroom ]
Mrs. Attebury: That was hidious, I feel so violated! [ pauses ] Wasn’t that the most wonderful, wonderful, awful thing, you can’t make that kind of thing up, that’s an absolutely wonderful reason to have a story..!
Mr. Attebury: [ shakes his glass ] Ice, I need ice..
Air Date:
