SNL Tonight

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

O.J.’s pal Al Cowlings now has a 1-900 numbner. For $2.99 a minute, Cowlings will tell callers O.J. is innocent. And for $3.99 a minute, he’ll try to do it without laughing.

This week, President Clinton played golf with ex-presidents Gerald Ford and George Bush. Bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf ball, giving her a broken nose and ten stitches. But, don’t be impressed, it took him five strokes to do it, so..

A study says that pot use in high school is up sharply. [ holds up money ] Don’t I know it! Oh, yeah.. I’m joking!

According to a survey, 58% of men would have sex with a woman they disliked. Although, while having sex, they would really, really like them, and then afterwards not like them again.

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with his own look at the news, ia Operaman!

Operaman: Gracia, Norm, gracia!

[ pictured: Colin Ferguson ]
Colin Ferguson self-represento
Speaks-a well-a, intelligento
Says no guilty por train attack-oh
But jury say
Es still a wacko!

[ pictured: Demi Moore ]
Demi Moore-a salaria
12 million por next movie!
4 million for her acting
4 million for each-a booby!

[ pictured: Brad Pitt ]
Brad Pitt sexiest
“People” wrote-o
Operaman say
Recount the vote-o!

[ pictured: baseball strike article ]
Baseball scabs on opening day-a?
Just as good as reglar player
Mange your hot dog, drink-a your soda
Look at shortstop
Abe Vigoda!

[ pictured: Tom Hanks ]
Tom Hanks-o
Nominato
Second time-o
You’re a great-o
Next year vacation
Go to France-o
Give someone else
A freakin’ chance-o!

Have a bueno Presidentes Day
Big-a sales, so shop away!
Operaman bye, bye

[ roses are tossed to Operaman across the Update desk ]

Norm MacDonald: There he is! Adam Sandler. Operaman, Adam Sandler, Operaman.

In a touching Valentine’s Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming.

Roseanne was married on Valentine’s Day, and, gee, you know, as romantic as that sounds, I find myself far more interested in almost anything else that is going on on the face of the planet.

And finally, the Oscar nominations were announced this week, and Tom Hanks and Jodie Foster are in a heated competition in the Academy’s controversial new category: Best Retard.

Norm MacDonald: Well, that’s it! Thanks, folks, see you next week!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 18th, 1995

Deion Sanders

Bon Jovi

Manute Bol

Bon Jovi, “Always”

O.J. Simpson Field Trip

Recurring Characters: Judge Ito, Kato Kaelin, O.J. Simpson, Robert Shapiro, Marcia Clark.

Deion Sanders’ Monologue

Baseball Strike Solidarity

1995 Espy Awards

Bon Jovi performs “Always”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Recurring Characters: Operaman.

UFO Mission

Rappers with Simple Lyrics

Bon Jovi performs “Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night”

Perspectives

Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.

Deion Meets Sick Boy

Deion Sanders “Must Be The Money” & “It’s On”

SNL Transcripts

The Evaluation

Employee Relations Officer…..Bob Newhart

[ open on exterior, United States Postal Service ]

[ dissolve to interior, Employee Relations office ]

[ the camera’s point-of-view acts as the role of the employee who enters the office. The Employee Relations Officer looks up as the off-screen employee enters. ]

Employee Relations Officer: Oh. Uh.. uh.. Davidson. Come-come in – come in and.. sit down.

[ the off-screen employee maneuvers through the room and takes his seat in front of the Employee Relations Officer’s desk ]

Employee Relations Officer: Uh.. first-first of all, let me, uh.. let me tell you that we appreciate your filling out the questionnaire. As you know, we’ve had some problems the last.. few years at the Post Office, with, uh.. well, with disgruntled employees, and.. and we’ve found that if an employee gets disgruntled enough, uh.. it-it can really get out of hand. I’m sure you remember last March when, uh.. Andy Baumgardner had that-that-that day. Uh.. anyway.. the boys upstairs came up with the idea of getting all the employees to.. to fill out these questionnaires in order to, uh.. to avoid any-any future, uh.. Andy-Andy-Andy Baumgardners. Let me jsut go over this with you.

[ Employee Relations Officer puts on a pair of glasses and glances through the questionnaire ]

Uh.. let’s see. I see you’re 46 years old, and, uh.. and divorced. Now, uh.. was that, uh.. was that.. amicable? [ camera shakes head “No” ] A real-real ugly one. Uh-huh. And you-you live alone. You-you-you enjoy living alone, do you, Davidson? [ camera shakes head “Yes” ] Wouldn’t.. wouldn’t have it any other way. [ coughs ]

I-I notice under Social Security Number, you’ve written, uh: “What’s it to you?” [ smiles ] Th-that was a.. that was a little joke, right? [ camera shakes head “No” ] It-it wasn’t. Okay.. okay, well, let’s move on. [ flips page ] Under the question “What’s your least favorite part of the job?” you wrote, uh: “Sorting mail.” Which.. seems like a kind of odd response, considering.. that you are a mail.. mail sorter.

Now, the next question, uh, “How would you describe your feelings towards the U.S. postal Service?” and you wrote, uh: “Disgruntled.” See, that’s uh.. that’s a kind of a red flag, here at the Post Office. We haven’t really had that much luck with disgruntled employees in the past. Frankly, it’s a word that we least-least like to see on our questionnaires. So, I.. won’t waste much more of your time, Davidson.

I just want to go over one more area that caused me a little concern.. It’s under the question: “What-what is the biggest complaint in your workplace?” And you wrote: “Working next to the devil.” Now, I checked the, uh.. I checked the records, Davidson, and you work beside, uh.. Sam Henshaw, who has been with the Post Office 45 years. He’s a very nice old man. Uh.. I-I guess.. I guess, I just find it hard to believe that that.. the devil has spent the last.. 45 years sorting mail. [ coughs ] Nooo.. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not calling your dog a liar, by any stretch of the imagination. The last thing that I’d like to do, uh.. uh.. you’re pretty sure that he-he is the devil? [ camera shakes head “Yes” ] Well.. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on-on that one.

Uh, anyway.. th-that’s basically it, so I’ll-I’ll let you, uh.. let you get back to work, uh, Davidson. Uh.. [ clears throat, stands ] I just want to add that you are doing a bang-up here. Uh.. there is, there is one more, uh.. one more thing. All the postal employees are required to, you know, wear the regulation, uh.. postal uniforms. [ clears throat as the camera angle rises over him ] No. No, I think, I think you look great in the combat fatigues. It’s just that, uh.. r-rules.. are rules. Again.. just the boys upstairs. A-and, remember, this questionnaire wasn’t-wasn’t my-my idea. Again, it was.. it was the boys.. the boys upstairs. [ points to the ceiling ]

[ Employee Relations Officer makes his way to his office door ]

Yeah, right. Right. Upstairs. You just — yeah. You-you take the elevator, and.. go up one floor, and it’s the first door on the right. You can’t.. you-you can’t miss it. [ smiles ]

[ alternate camera pulls back, as we see the full set standing in front of Home Base, Bob Newhart standing at the door of the set as the cameraman who portrayed the employee’s point-of-view lowers his camera and exits the set to the calls of director Dave Wilson ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

“Hi, Bob!”

…..Bob Newhart
…..Dave Wilson
…..Michael McKean
…..Chris Elliot
…..Chris Farley
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Tim Meadows
…..Al Franken
…..Laura Kightlinger
…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler
…..Jay Mohr
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Janene Garafalo

[ open in the back halls of Studio 8H, where Bob Newhart looks over the script for the next sketch. Stage Manager Joe Disco stands next to Bob. ]

Bob Newhart: Uh, Joe, how much time before the next sketch?

Joe Dicso: Uh.. you’ve got a couple of minutes, uh.. I’ll come and get you. [ exits down the hall ]

Bob Newhart: Great.

[ Michael McKean walks past Bob ]

Michael McKean: Show’s cookin’, Bob!

Bob Newhart: Thank you, Michael.

[ cut to Chris Farley and Chris Elliot a few feet down the hall, watching Bob with intense anticipation ]

Chris Elliot: Come on! Come on!

Chris Farley: Say it! Say it!

[ cut back to Bob, as Ellen Cleghorne walks past ]

Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, good show, Bob.

Bob Newhart: Thank you!

[ cut to Chris Farley and Chris Elliot looking agitatedly towards Bob and the people walking past him ]

Chris Farley: Come on, what’s wrong with these people?!

Chris Elliot: Come on!

[ cut back to Bob, as Norm MacDonald walks past ]

Bob Newhart: Hi, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: Hi, Bob!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who seem pleased by the exchange they’ve heard and quickly down a shot from a table filled with shots ]

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: Yes!!

[ cut back to Bob, as Tim Meadows walks past ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Bob. Have a good show, man.

Bob Newhart: Thank you.

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who quickly down another shot each ]

[ cut back to Bob, as ??, Al Franken, and Laura Kightlinger walk past one at a time ]

Hey, Bob.

Al Franken: Hi, Bob!

Laura Kightlinger: Hi, Bob.

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who quickly down three shots in unison. An NBC page steps forward with a full tray of shots. ]

Chris Elliot: Uh.. we’re gonna need more.. more of those. Keep ’em coming..

[ cut back to Bob, as David Spade walks past ]

David Spade: Bob! Hi!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who glance at one another for a ruling, then decide to down the shot after all ]

[ cut back to Bob, as, first Adam Sandler walks past from one direction, then Jay Mohr walks past from another direction ]

Adam Sandler: Hiii..

Jay Mohr: Bob!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who aren’t sure what to make of that exchange. Elliot puts down his shot glass and removes his copy of the “Hi Bob” Rule Book from his pocket. He and Farley glance quickly at a page Elliot opens at random, then they nod their heads and down their shot. ]

[ cut back to Bob ]

Kevin Nealon: [ off-screen ] Bob!

Bob Newhart: Oh.. hi!

[ Bob walks over to Kevin, now standing just a few feet in front of Farley and Elliot ]

Kevin Nealon: I’ve just got to say – it’s a real honor to have you here.

Bob Newhart: Well, thank you very much.

Kevin Nealon: Yeah, it’s great.

Woman: [ walks past ] Hi, Bob! Nice show!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot, making their antics noticeable to Bob ]

Bob Newhart: Thank you, Merle. (?) [ looks over at Farley and Elliot ] Ke-Kevin.. what are, what are Farley and.. and Elliot.. doing back there?

Kevin Nealon: Well, I think they might be playing that game – you know, “Hi Bob!”?

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Oh.. really? “Hi, Bob!”?

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. But you must get that a lot, huh?

[ Man in a cow costume walks past ]

Man in Cow Costume: Hi, Bob! Good show!

Bob Newhart: Uh.. I guess I’d better go talk to them. [ he walks over to Farley and Elliot ] Hi, fellas.

Chris Farley: Hi..

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: Hi, Bob!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Are you, are you by any chance playing.. “Hi, Bob!”?

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: ..Nooooo!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Look, guys, I know you’re playing “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: I mean.. I’m very flattered that you enjoy the old show, but I.. I want you to know I don’t approve of the game. I hate the idea of people driving around drunk because of “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: But, at least, if you’re gonna play, you have to know the rules! You only drink when someone else says, “Hi, Bob!”

[ Janene Garafalo steps up ]

Janene Garafalo: Hi, Bob.

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Janene Garafalo: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?

Bob Newhart: Yeah, sure.

[ Janene and Bob step off to the side a little ]

Janene Garafalo: Look, uh, you know I’m a really big fan of yours, but I just can’t believe that you’re encouraging these guys to play “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Janene, excuse me – I didn’t invent “Hi, Bob!” —

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: — and I.. I didn’t ask anyone to play “Hi, Bob!” tonight!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot; Elliot suddenly spews and begins to lean in on Farley and teeter to the floor ]

Bob Newhart: [ notices the display behind him ] I man, i-if it were up to me, I’d have it banned!

Janene Garafalo: Listen – forgive me, Bob, but I have a hard time believing you don’t have something to do with the game “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Janene Garafalo: Are you proud of yourself? Take a look, here’s your handiwork! you know, people at home who are playing this would have done 24 shots by now!

[ Chris Elliot begind to crawl toward Bob ]

Bob Newhart: Oh.. oh, my God.. [ faces the camera ] Uh.. look, for those of you watching at home, especially in the fraternity houses – don’t leave the dorm room, just STAY where you are!

Chris Elliot: [ stands and wraps his arms around Bob ] I love you! I love you! [ kisses Bob on the cheek ]

Bob Newhart: [ mortified ] I’m so sorry..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

Himself/Bob Hartley…..Bob Newhart
Emily Hartley…..Suzanne Pleschette

[ Bob Newhart stands at Home Base with cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live” ]

Bob Newhart: I had a great time, did you have a great time tonight? [ audience cheers ] Des’ree!

[ Newhart and the cast wave goodnight as the credits roll. Norm MacDonald presents Newhart with one of his comedy albums, which Newhart happily autographs and displays for the audience to see. ]

[ cut to the individual Broadway Video and NBC Productions logos ]

[ dissolve to black, then dissolve up on the bedroom of Bob and Emily Hartley. Bob rises frantically and turns on the light. ]

Bob Hartley: Oh, my God! Honey, honey, wake up!

[ Emily Hartley rises from her side of the bed ]

Emily Hartley: What is it, Bob? Did you have another dream?

Bob Hartley: Yeah! It was.. it was horrible! I dreamed I was hosting “Saturday Night Live”.

Emily Hartley: “Saturday Night Live”? Is that show still on?

Bob Hartley: I don’t know! [ pause ] But thank God it was a dream. Good.. good night, honey.

Emily Hartley: Good night, Bob.

[ they kiss goodnight, turn off the light and go back to sleep, as “The Bob Newhart Show” theme music pots up and the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather,
just because he worked hard and saved his money.
True, working at the hardware store didn’t pay much,
but he felt it was better than what everybody else did,
which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.
It turned out he was right.
After forty years, the volcano petered out.
Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke.
Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren’t many left by then.
Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor’s bills were real high.

SNL Transcripts

Colin Ferguson Trial

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Prosecutor…..Mark McKinney
Judge…..Michael McKean
Colin Ferguson…..Tim Meadows
Bailiff…..Jay Mohr
Mr. Schmidt…..David Spade
Mr. McConnell…..Bob Newhart

[ open on Court TV logo ]

[ logo breaks apart to reveal Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Welcome back to Court TV, in our continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. I’m Terry Moran. Well, Judge Ito has just called a recess, and while we’re waiting we’re going to take you to a very different trial that’s unfolding all the way across the country in Miniola, New York. There, Colin Ferguson, accused railroad gunman, has been allowed to conduct his own defense.

[ dissolve to Prosecutor addressing the court, with SUPER: “Colin Ferguson Murder Trial – Opening Statement By Prosecution” ]

Prosecutor: The prosecution will prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Colin Ferguson, on the evening of December 7th, 1993, fired a 9mm handgun indiscriminately at twenty-five passengers on the Long Island Railroad. You will see that the evidence of his guilt is overwhelimng, as is the enormity of the crime.

Judge: Mr. Ferguson, your opening statement, please.

Colin Ferguson: [ steps before the court ] Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, and all beings visible and invisible. The prosecution would have you believe I, Colin Ferguson, am guilty of these crimes, and so would the witnesses. But if you listen with an open mind, you will realize that, A: I did not shoot them, they shot me; B. I wasn’t on the train; and, C: There is no such thing as a “railroad” or a “Long Island.” Colin Ferguson is a victim of a conspiracy. Thank you.

Judge: Alright, uh.. let’s begin. Mr. Ferguson, you may call your first witness.

Colin Ferguson: Uh, yes. Mr. Ferguson would like to call to the stand, uh, Mr. Mark Schmidt.

[ Mr. Schmidt takes the stand, as the Bailiff steps up to him ]

Bailiff: [ holds out Bible ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Mr. Schmidt: I do.

Colin Ferguson: Now, Mr. Schmidt, you were on the train that day in December. Tell the court what happened that day when you shot me.

Mr. Schmidt: No, you shot me, and then you shot, like, twenty other people?

Colin Ferguson: We’ll let the jury decide who shot who. Now, would you describe the man who shot you?

Mr. Schmidt: You shot me.

Colin Ferguson: Please, answer the question, sir, unless you have somethig to hinde. Now, describe the man, please.

Mr. Schmidt: Uh.. African-American male.. 5’10”.. 180 pounds, and right now he’s wearing a brown suit?

Colin Ferguson: Is that man in the courtroom?

Mr. Schmidt: Yes. Yes, he is.

Colin Ferguson: Would you point him out, please?

[ Mr. Schmidt points directly at Colin Ferguson, who immediately ducks behind the podium to avoid falling in the line of fire ]

Colin Ferguson: Let the record show that Mr. Achmidt pointed to the man in the second row, sear number 3.

Prosecution: Objection!

Judge: Sustained.

Colin Ferguson: Your honor, may I have a second to, uh, confirm with my client?

Judge: Surely.

[ Colin Ferguson talks amongst himself, turning from one side of the courtroom to the other to differentiate the aggressive lawyer and the passive client ]

Colin Ferguson: I’ll handle this! [ to Mr. Schmidt ] Okay – let’s say I shot you. [ turns to the jurors, spins one hand and points to Mr. Schmidt with the other hand ] Cuckoo-oo! [ recomposes himself ] You must have done something to provoke me.

Mr. Schmidt: I didn’t do anything, I was just riding home on the train.

Colin Ferguson: Well, I’ll have you know that I was on that same train, and nobody shot me. Why is that?

Mr. Schmidt: I don’t know.

Colin Ferguson: “I.. don’t.. know.” “I don’t know.” Hmm. Well, when you know more, why don’t you give us a call? No more questions, Your Honor.

Judge: Thank you. Counsel?

Prosecutor: Mr. Schmidt, who shot you that day on the Long Island Railroad?

Mr. Schmidt: Colin Ferguson.

Prosecutor: No further questions, Your Honor.

[ Colin Ferguson gives a worried face to the camera, as Mr. Schmidt and the Prosecutor step down ]

[ dissolve to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Later in the day, Colin Ferguson questioned Paul McConnell, one of the men who tackled him as he ran from the scene ]

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Colin Ferguson: Now, Mr. McConnell, tell us about the day on the train before the shooting.

Mr. McConnell: Well, it was.. it was a normal day, until you started shooting people.

Colin Ferguson: A “normal” day. So, you didn’t hear any radio waves being broadcast to my head?

Mr. McConnell: Uh.. no.

Colin Ferguson: You sat next to me, and yet you heard no voices telling me to kill?

Mr. McConnell: [ shakes his head ] No.

Colin Ferguson: What about the day before?

Mr. McConnell: No.

Colin Ferguson: Interesting. You know, that was a trick question, Mr. McConnell. Because everyone knows that voices to our brains are only broadcast on Monday, Wednesday and Sunday. [ laughs uproariously to himself ] Monday.. Wednesday.. and Sunday!

Mr. McConnell: Your, uh.. Your Honor, can I step down now?

Judge: Just a moment, Mr. McConnell. Mr. Ferguson, do you have any further questions for this witness?

Colin Ferguson: Yes, Your Honor, I have another question for Mr. McConnell. [ steps closer to the bench, practically right in front of Mr. McConnell’s face ] Why did you shoot those people?

Mr. McConnell: I.. I didn’t shoot any one.. you did.

Colin Ferguson: [ leans in closer to Mr. McConnell ] You shot those people, didn’t you?

Mr. McConnell: No.

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No.

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No!

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: ..No.

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No?

Colin Ferguson: Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?

[ the Judge nods yes, so Colin Ferguson leans to whisper his plea silently ]

Judge: Alright, alright, fine..

Colin Ferguson: [ again, to Mr. McConnell ] Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No.

Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!

Mr. McConnell: No!

Colin Ferguson: [ slaps the desk ] No more questions!

Judge: Counsel?

[ Prosecutor steps forward again ]

Prosecutor: [ sighs ] Mr. McConnell, who is the man that shot those people that day, on the train?

Mr. McConnell: Colin Ferguson.

Prosecutor: No more questions, Your Honor.

Judge: Thank you, Mr. McConnell. Uh.. call your next witness, Mr. Ferguson.

[ Colin Ferguson steps forward again ]

Colin Ferguson: Colin Ferguson calls to the stand, Denver quarterback, uh.. John Elway.

Prosecutor: Your Honor!

Yeah, Counsel, approach the bench, please.

Prosecutor: What is the relevance of this witness, what’s the point?

Colin Ferguson: Once I question Mr. Elway, President Clinton, and that dog — [ points to dog sitting in the courtroom ] — then, you will see the point!

Judge: [ relunctantly ] Sustained.

Colin Ferguson: Alright! [ laughs, jumps onto the defense table triumphantly ] I win, I win!

Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Order in the court! Order in the court, Mr. Feguson! Get off the table! You didn’t win, you were overruled! Guards! Grab him!

Colin Ferguson: I win, I win!

Judge: You lost!

Colin Ferguson: I’m a winner! I’m a winner!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

When we ome back, we’ll watch as Colin Ferguson fires his lawyer, Colin Ferguson; and hires a new lawyer, Colin Ferguson. But, for now – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 11th, 1995

Bob Newhart

Des’ree

Suzanne Pleshette

Colin Ferguson Trial

Colin Ferguson (Tim Meadows) makes a mockery defending himself in court.

Bob Newhart’s Monologue

Newhart jokes about security guard’s first night on the job when King Kong visits.

Ricki Lake

Dr. Bob Hartley (Newhart) counsels bizarre family sex problem.

Recurring Characters: Ricki Lake.

Book Buzz

Author of world record book (Chris Farley) prints personally-verified information.

Des’ree performs “You Gotta Be”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

In clip, O.J. Simpson witness (Chris Elliot) makes faces at the camera.

David Spade ponders likely suitors for newly-single Cindy Crawford.

Adam Sandler sings about the “Sex Phone Lady.”

Baywatch

Civilian (Newhart) saves drowning man (Chris Farley) when Baywatch team don’t react.

The Evaluation

Postal Employee Relations Officer (Newhart) evaluates a disgruntled employee.

“Hi Bob”

Newhart stops Chris Farley and Chris Elliot from playing drinking game.

Des’ree performs “Feels So High”

Sports Beat

Manic-depressive announcer (Newhart) is interviewed.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Gold nuggets vs. the hardware store.

Goodnights

Bob Hartley (Newhart) wakes up following bad dream that he hosted “SNL”.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Tim Meadows
… Jay Mohr

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks,I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news.

Singer Billy Joel survived a massive earthquake whichrocked Japan this week. The quake, which hit the portcity of Kobe, killed nearly five thousand people anddemolished hundreds of buildings. To repeat: do notpanic! Billy Joel has survived the earthquake!…

[Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton – Bill’s arms areoutstretched before him] Here we see PresidentClinton, looking for something — anything — to hugbesides his wife. … [cheers and applause]

In an effort to feel smarter than somebody, Dan Quaylethis week spoke to four thousand Amway employees. …[cheers and applause]

Jimmy Carter has written a collection of poetry. Itincludes his latest poem, entitled “Ode to a CountryFull of Stupid, Ungrateful Bastards.” …

Here’s an amazing story: twins born ninety-five daysapart. Even more amazing, they were born to differentmothers and they don’t even look alike. … Hard tobelieve.

Well, the NHL strike officially ended Thursday. Aftersome adjustments to the schedule, the regular seasonstarted last night, and the playoffs will starttomorrow. …

And now, with a commentary on the resolution of thathockey strike, is Tim Meadows. Tim?

Tim Meadows: [cheers and applause as we panover to Tim in a suit and tie] Thank you. Well, thehockey strike is over and no one is more relieved thanme, Tim Meadows. For a while there, I didn’t think Iwas gonna make it and I’m sure I speak for allAfrican-Americans when I say, “Game on at last! Gameon at last! … Thank God Almighty, game on at last!”… You see, white America had taken everything itcould from black people. Our culture, our heritage,our freedom and, finally, with the NHL strike, our icehockey. …

I tell ya, it was weird to walk through theAfrican-American community at night and not hear thesound of “Hockey Night in Canada” coming from everyhome. … Or kids saying, “Yo! Yo! He shoots! Hescores!” … And I couldn’t call my brother and say,”Yo, Tyrone, did you see the Whalers last night?” …And, echoing the sentiments of the entireAfrican-American community, he would say, “Yo, littlebrother, the Whalers were fly. The Whalers were fly.”… So, play on, Pavel Bure. And, skate faster, JeffBeukeboom. And, cover that net, John Vanbiesbrouck.The African-American community and Tim Meadows arewatching. Back to you, Norm. [cheers andapplause]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Tim Meadows! Thanks,Tim.

A blind man felt Princess Diana’s face last week andsaid, “She is the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen.” Hethen picked up a toilet plunger and said, “Thank youfor this royal scepter, I shall treasure it always.”…

According to the National Transportation Safety Board,sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousanddeaths a year. In second place? O. J. Simpson at twodeaths a year. …

Well, O. J. Simpson’s lawyers stopped feuding thisweek, finally. The dream team, F. Lee Bailey andRobert Shapiro, were able to put aside theirdifferences and express their admiration for eachother after O. J. threatened to cut their heads off…. [cheers and applause]

The United Paramount Network’s new show, “Star Trek:Voyager,” finished in first place Monday night with a14.7 rating. For those of you who don’t know, onerating point is equal to 950,000 nerds. … [someboos]

Officials in Disney World have ordered their ride “TheExtraTERRORestrial” to be shut down until it can bemade scarier. When the attraction reopens in twoweeks, it will be exactly the same — but missing sixbolts. …

This week, a court banned gays from marching inBoston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, but they will stillallow them to be beaten up by drunken Irish guys. …[scattered applause] I’m afraid to know what you’reapplauding at there. Okay. …

Norm MacDonald: And now, turning again tosports, it’s time for Jay Mohr’s Wacky SportsBloopers. Jay?

Jay Mohr: [cheers and applause as we pan toJay] Thanks, Norm. Hello. Thanks, Norm, you know,there’s been a lot of nutty stuff goin’ on in thesports world lately so let’s just get right to thevideotape. First, in football, it’s the AFCchampionship game between the Steelers and theChargers. Here’s a kickoff like you’ve never seenbefore. [dissolve to video, goofy music accompaniesthe video which runs backward] The Steelers’ CharlieJohnson takes the ball — and he throws it seventyyards back to the kicker’s foot! That is crazy!… [dissolve back to Jay who laughs and pounds on theWU desk]

Alrighty! Whooo! … Now to hockey. The season’s onlyone night old but already we have an incredibleblooper for you. Opening night at the Garden, Rangersversus Sabers. Check out this action. [dissolve toupside down video of hockey game] Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaahaha! They’re skating upside down, everybody! Somebodyteach these guys about gravity! Hee hee hee![dissolve back to Norm and Jay at the WU desk]

Norm MacDonald: Uh, Jay, about these bloopers,they’re–

Jay Mohr: Now, hold on a minute, Norm! Youain’t seen nothin’ yet, okay? Quickly now tobasketball. [dissolve to Chicago Bulls basketballgame] Scotty Pippen tries to shoot and, wouldn’t youknow it, the ball freezes to the backboard![freeze frame of video] … [dissolve to Jay] Hey,Scotty, what’d you do, cover the ball with glue?[laughs]

Norm MacDonald: Okay, Jay, that’senough.

Jay Mohr: Enough?! Come on Norm, you can neverget enough of those wacky sports bloopers! They’repriceless!

Norm MacDonald: Now, now, Jay, these – thesearen’t bloopers, you just manipulated thevideotape.

Jay Mohr: Aw, you’re talkin’ crazy. … Comeon, check this one out.It’s from the U.S. Clay Court Championships. [dissolveto speeded up video of men’s tennis game] And JimCourier and Goran Pripic have quite a rally going!Yowww! … Look at those guys, they’re flying, where’sthe fire?! Somebody gave those guys super energy pillsor somethin’, right?! [dissolve back to Norm andJay]

Norm MacDonald: Hey, Jay, uh, look I’m sorry,I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Bloopers arereal events that happen on the field. You’re giving,uh, sports bloopers a bad name.

Jay Mohr: Aw, all right, fine, Norm, if that’sthe way you want it. I think I’ve got a blooper that’smore, y’know, real. Uh, we go to basketball.[dissolve to NBA basketball game] Seattle’s KendallGill goes up for a dunk and misses! [dissolveback to Norm and Jay]

Norm MacDonald: [laughs long and loud] Ahh,hahahahaha! … Ah, that’s funny!

Jay Mohr: No, that’s not the blooper. Keepwatching, Norm. Here it goes. [dissolve back to videoof NBA basketball game] Seattle gets the ball back,here they are and, wouldn’t you know it! [cut to oldfilm of Godzilla looming over a sports complex]Godzilla attacks the arena! … [Godzilla’stail smashes a structure, he emits radioactive breath,setting fire to some buildings] Wow! Put a tent onthat circus! I’ve never seen anything like that![dissolve back to Norm and Jay] That’s it, Norm, fromthe wacky world of sports!

Norm MacDonald: [nods, rolls his eyes] Okay,thanks, Jay. [cheers and applause for Jay, Norm shakeshis head at him]

Los Angeles Rams owner Georgia Frontiere announcedthis week that her football team is moving to St.Louis. The good news for the Rams is that, changingcities, the ticket sales will increase and more peoplewill pack the stadium. The bad news for the Rams is:they will still suck. …

Well, the Super Bowl is still a week away, but alreadythe 49ers are leading 31 to nothing. …

Finally, Amy Fisher charged this week that, while inprison, she was raped by a guard. The guard, oneJoseph Buttafuoco, has been reassigned to the prisonauto body shop. …

So, apparently, that’s the one we’re ending on. Okay,that’s it for now. See ya next week,folks!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly

Andy Gray…..Mike Myers
Ian Daglers…..Mark McKinney
Ted Engler…..David Hyde Pierce

[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN2 – The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Women’s Seniors Indoor Beach Volleyball, qualifying tournament, from Lincoln, Nebraska. But, right now on The Deuce, we have Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.

[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]

Voiceover Jingle: “Scottish! Soccer! Hooligan! Weekly!”

[ product graphics appear as they are mentioned ]

Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; they’re great for kicking in heads, and I’m not kidding! Also brought to you by.. Truflite Darts; remember: those are for dart boards, not for throwing at rival fans! Also, brought to you by.. Milk; it does a body good.

[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]

Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly”! I’m your host, Andy Gray!

Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I’m your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!

Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight’s topics are: “Scotland’s soccer team – great on paper, crap on grass!”

Ian Daglers: Also, on tonight’s show – new techniques in dart throwing! Hey! Head’s up on ye! [ throws dart offscreen, hooligans scream ]

Andy Gray: Alright! [ they clink steins ] And, finally, firebombs: pro and con.

Together: Prooooo!!

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get down to business, because I’m steamin’ piss drunk, and I’m gonna be sick!

Ian Daglers: Hey!

Andy Gray: Ohhh, I’m hummin’! [ lowers heads, spits a chunk onto the table ] And, besides, I’ve got a court appearance in, ohhhhh… [ looks at his watch ] 43 minutes.

Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do this time?

Andy Gray: It was during the Scotland-Denmark game. Evidently, I threw a live jaguar onto the field, ’cause of a disupted penalty kick.

Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do that for?

Andy Gray: Why not?

Ian Daglers: What do you mean, why not?

Andy Gray: What do you mean, what do you mean, why not?!

Ian Daglers: I asked ya’ a question, you wee girl!

Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright.. give us a kiss here.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian’s nose ]

Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Bloody hell! Oh, you broke my nose again, you bastard!

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get this show on the road, ’cause I’ve quite a face on and I’m gonna start chundering like a snowblower!

Ian Daglers: Okie-dokie! Alright now, as you know, hotels on the continent don’t rent rooms to soccer hooligans like ourselves. Hey!

Andy Gray: Okay. So let’s start with a topic: where’s the worst place you’ve ever had to spend the night?

Ian Daglers: [ thinking ] Oh, uh…. that would be the, uh.. rancid manure and rotten vegetable compost heap in Baden-Baden, Scotland vs. Germany, 1991. And you, hey!

Andy Gray: Scotland vs. The Netherlands, 1987, the Hague. I feel asleep inside a policeman’s horse!

Ian Daglers: [ bewildered ] How’d you do that, then?!

Andy Gray: Oh, it was three o’clock in the morning, as cold as a witch’s teat! No room in the inn for this Scottish soccer hooligan! Necessity being the mother of invention, I managed to hack my way inside the horse using some crude farming implements! You know, I say it was the worst night I ever had, but, actually, I slept like the Baby Jesus inside my equine cocoon.

Ian Daglers: I might try that, I might try that!

Andy Gray: You might, eh, you might? You know, I remember one particularly unpleasant innkeeper in Antwerp, Belgium. I inquired about a room, to which I received the reply, “Oh, we have plenty of rooms, Sonny Jim, but not for you, you scummy soccoer hooligan!”

Ian Daglers: Well, that’s not very nice.

Andy Gray: Oh, aye. I was — at first, I was quite taken about.

Ian Daglers: Oh, I can imagine..

Andy Gray: But then, I stuck a Coke bottle up his stinkin’ Flemish bum!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Good idea!

Andy Gray: You could see why I was thrown into some sort of Fatty Arbucklian dementia. Now, in the end I was forced to take a toffee hammer to his rectal vault and smash the Coke bottle into a thousand wee shards.

Ian Daglers: Hey! Why does it always have to end that way? Hey!

Andy Gray: I don’t know, I just don’t know! I’m steamin’!

Ian Daglers: Oh, that reminds me. Once, I chewed a Belgium’s ear off!

Andy Gray: How was it?

Ian Daglers: Oh, you’d be surprised.

Andy Gray: Oh, really?

Ian Daglers: Yes! Now, let’s bring out our guest, then. He’s from America. Now, interestingly enough, he’s not a soccer hooligan!

Andy Gray: Ohhhh, what’s he doing on the show, then?!

Ian Daglers: Because he’s a tennis hooligan! Now, please welcome, from the Chicago, U.S.A., Ted Engler!

[ Ted Engler enters studio to welcomed enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]

Andy Gray: Alright! There we are! Ted Engler! Welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan”!

Ted Engler: Hello, Ian; hello, Andy. It’s great to be here!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Are you drinking? Do you need a plastic can?

Ted Engler: No, thanks, I don’t drink.

Andy Gray: What do you mean, you don’t drink? You’re a hooligan, aren’t you?

Ted Engler: That’s right! I’m a tennis hooligan!

Ian Daglers: What exactly do you do, then?

Ted Engler: Well, what I like to do is, go to a match and pick out the player that I hate, and right before he serves I like to do something distracting, like shift in my seat or yawn!

Andy Gray: Hey?

Ian Daglers: Hey?

Ted Engler: Hey.. hey, one time I coughed. Really loudly. That was great.

Ian Daglers: Hey! Do you ever throw darts at the opposing player’s fans?

Ted Engler: Oh, good Lord, no, that would be dangerous.

Andy Gray: [ lowers stein ] You know, I rather like what that retarded chap in Germany did to Monica Seles. Now, that was first-rate hooliganing!

Ian Daglers: That was bloody magic!

Andy Gray: Magic!!

Ian Daglers: Magic! Teddy, hey – you ever stabbed anyone?

Ted Engler: Uh.. no. Nope.

Andy Gray: Uh, you ever thrown anyone under a bus?

Ted Engler: Mmmm.. never.

Ian Daglers: Let me ask you, Teddy – how fast can you run?

Ted Engler: Oh, very fast.

Ian Daglers: [ stands over Ted ] Oh, well, you better get started, ’cause I’m about to kick your ass!

Ted Engler: [ offended ] Oh! That’s not very nice!

Ian Daglers: [ mocking ] Oh, that’s not very nice, is it?

Andy Gray: [ puts hands on Ted’ shoulders ] Oh, you’re alright. Come here, give us a kiss. [ butts his head against TEd’s head, bloodying him up ] Boom! There you go!

[ Ian smashes Ted’s head against the table, as Andy looks at his watch ]

Andy Gray: Oh, Christ! Look at the time! [ knees Ted in the groin and punches him in the face; Ted falls under the table ] Alright, well that’s all the time we have for the show! I’m Andy Gray!

[ Ted’s bloodied hand rises above the table, so Ian smashes it with his elbow ]

Ian Daglers: And I’m Ian Daglers!

Andy Gray: Piss off!

Ian Daglers: Piss off!

[ Andy and Ian continue to kick at Ted under the table, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts